Episode 4 Peter Kay's Car Share

-And do I sound all right or do I sound like a robot?

-'You sound like you normally do.'

-Do I?

Do I sound like I'm in a tin box?

My mum said I sound like I'm underwater.

'Are you underwater?'

No. I'm in the car. What are you on about?

'And where's your phone, on your knee?'

No, no. It's at the side of me. It's all Bluetooth now, it's hands free

'Wow.'

Are you there? Hello? I can't hear you now, you've gone.

Hello? Kayleigh?

'All right, all right, I heard you,

'I just didn't say anything, I'm doing my lippy.'

Lipstick? You best get a wriggle on, I'm nearly here.

-'What, already?'

-Yeah.

'Just hang on, I've not got my bra on yet.'

MUSIC: Labour of Love by Hue And Cry

This programme contains some strong language.

Just get in the car.

Just get in the car. Come on!

Get in the car. What were you doing?

I was doing me Beyonce.

-Come on, we're going to be late.

-All right.

I went to watch her last night at the arena.

She was shamazing!

Best night of my life, ever.

Good then, was she?

Oh, unbelievable, John, two and a half hours, nonstop.

You never said you were going. Did you have a date?

Joking, aren't you? My inbox has been barren for weeks.

No, our Mandy and her mate had a spare ticket,

it was all very last minute.

But OMG!

She was amazing.

And she's sexy but she's not slutty with it.

That's a hard balance, that.

I know, yeah. She makes me feel inadequate as a woman.

I was sat in my onesie, after,

picking crisps out of my teeth thinking,

"I bet Beyonce doesn't do this."

I bet she does. She's human, at the end of the day.

She isn't, John, she squats in heels, how does she do that?

Believe me, I've tried - I nearly broke my back.

And she's gorgeous.

She is.

I mean, I'm not a lesbian, John, but she would get it.

You can't say that.

Our Kelly'll be well jel when she finds out,

she's always wanted to see her, she loves her.

How is your Kelly getting on in Australia, has she settled in yet?

She's OK, yeah. Homesick.

It's a good job Skype's free. I speak to her every night,

I speak to her more now than I did when she was back here.

It is amazing, Skype. We were talking to me cousin the other week.

It were her birthday.

It's nice, yeah, brings people together.

I know, but she only lives three streets away - lazy bitch.

-RADIO:

-'This is Forever FM.

'The cruise ship Ireland Virgin has been hit by a norovirus outbreak

'and is currently languishing in port after reports that more

'than 150 people have suffered from the vomiting bug...'

-Awful.

-Oh.

I wish I'd thrown a sickie today.

-Don't be saying that to me.

-Why?

I'm management. I could sack you.

As if.

You know when you just fancy a day off?

Lying on the settee with a duvet,

catching up on my soaps. Been ages since I last did that.

I haven't had a sick day...

-I can't remember the last time.

-Well, you should try it,

my grandad's died four times in the last ten years.

Eh?

My grandad, he dies every time I get a new job,

-when I fancy a few days off.

-You can't do that.

I've never met him - he died before I was born so I don't feel bad.

-That's sacrilege!

-Nonsense.

-You'll burn in hell.

The only hell I know, John, is standing in the middle

of an aisle trying to get people to sample my Mini Cheddars.

-You don't believe in all that hoopty, do you?

-What?

Heaven and hell and the Bible and all that tosh.

-Come on.

-What?

-You shock me.

-Why?

-Really?

-Yeah, why?

You'll be telling me dinosaurs existed next.

Are you for real? Of course they existed.

Bullcrap.

Of course they existed, how do you explain the bones?

Bones shmones, you've been brainwashed.

It's all a conspiracy, you know.

Conspiracy? What are you on about?

They just look ridiculous, like...

Stupid.

They don't mention them in the Bible.

they weren't at the Nativity, they weren't on Noah's Ark.

The stories don't match!

What a load of utter shit.

I'm telling you.

I suppose you think the moon landings weren't real or

JFK wasn't assassinated.

-The strong man?

-Who?

-Geoff Capes?

-JFK, cloth ears! Geoff Capes...

-RADIO:

-'...foreverfm.co.uk.

'Katie, David in Rochdale's text in to ask about this hamster,

'the one you had in your kitchen cupboard.

'He wanted to know if it was wearing a top hat.'

Good morning, Mr Magpie, how's your wife?

What did you say?

Good morning, Mr Magpie, how's your wife today?

I just saw a Mr Magpie.

It's on its own, it's bad luck,

so I'll keep my fingers crossed now till I see another.

So you're telling me, you don't

believe in dinosaurs but you're superstitious?

-You're one on your own, you.

-Completely different.

Is it balls.

'Course it is.

Would you walk under a ladder?

-Yes.

-Open an umbrella indoors?

Why not?

Put new shoes on a kitchen table? Cross on the stairs?

Step on a crack?

Watch me, cos it's all utter bollocks, love.

No wonder you're single, John.

What's that got to do with anything?

Superstitious. You're as bad as me dad, he were like that.

If he ever saw a hearse he used to have to hold his collar

until he saw a four legged animal.

How annoying.

You're telling me, he was an undertaker. Got sod all done.

Was he really?

No.

RADIO: 'Playing timeless hits now and forever and ever and ever.

'This is Forever FM.'

So have you got anything exciting happening today?

I've got to arbitrate a disciplinary first up.

Whose?

-I can't say.

-Whose?

Janine Cosgrove and Elsie off deli.

Oh, yeah, what a carry on that was. Did you see it?

I arrived at the headlock.

She was dragging her round by her hair.

I know. Like a dog on a bitch.

Well, I'm surprised they've lasted this long car sharing.

Janine's a strict vegan, Elsie's meat mad. Her farts stink.

She's been doing red days on Slimming World for years now.

Slimming World? Have you seen the size of her?

Think she's got a problem with her glands.

She's a problem with her hands - they can't stop picking up quiche

and shoving it into her fat mouth! I've seen the security cameras,

we're losing a fortune on that deli.

She's on her third written already, so she'll be up the road.

-Oh, you can't do that to her, John.

-She broke Janine's nose!

Oh, I know, but she's had a really crap year, bless her.

She's been a victim to arson

and her mum's lost her leg to diabetes -

-she put the pictures on Facebook.

-Of her mum?

No, her husband's allotment.

Kids set fire to it, they lost a full crop of marrows.

Oh. Well, I'm filling up here(!)

# Never let go, gotta hold on and

# Nonstop till the break of dawn and

-# Keep moving, don't stop rocking

-Ah

# Get on up... #

So I've got that first up and then it's our team awayday today.

Oh, where are you off to? Anywhere nice?

Nowhere, Dave Thomson decided to make use of the big meeting room,

so we're stopping in.

Bit of a pisser.

Last year we all had a beano to Abersoch.

Oh, it's lovely there,

we had our Mandy's hen weekend there, all-inclusive.

I put on a stone in 48 hours and snogged a pikey with moobs.

-What?

-Moobs. You know, man boobs. They were bigger than mine.

You can't say that.

Well, they were, he could have breast-fed a creche!

No, you can't say pikey.

But he was a pikey, John.

He might have been but they don't like you saying that about them.

Anyway, I snogged a tinker with moobs.

He had really rough skin on his hands -

-must have been from spinning all them waltzers.

-Jesus.

# I know it's not much but it's OK

# We'll keep on movin' on anyway... #

Well, that's not much of an awayday, staying in work.

It's not all day either, it's only 11 till 3.

Just like a long lunch. What's on your agenda?

Erm, this one's about team building, trust strategies

and motivational role-play.

-What a load of hoopty.

-Why?

Well, it is.

Just a waste of money,

-I'm sure it could be put to better use.

-Like?

Well, the vending machine's been stuck on Scotch broth

since the Olympics

and the disabled toilet's got a crack in it.

I nipped my bum twice last week.

You shouldn't even be using it.

-Oh, come on, we've all done it.

-I've not.

Jobsworth.

All I'm saying is, what's the point of having

a management awayday like this?

Well, it's all about pushing the envelope, innit?

Like moving things forward and knowing we're all giving 110%.

Bullcrap. Do you go on a course to learn that jive?

What jive?

Business speak - 110%, pushing your envelope

and all that guff.

"Somebody's thrown me a curve ball."

I mean, what a load of old balls. Who speaks like that?

-I don't know.

-Why do you say it then?

You're in a good mood(!)

I think you should have thrown that sickie.

-RADIO:

-'Sit in a shed this weekend with shed surgery and Forever FM.'

'Forever FM traffic and travel

'brought to you by Brighter Day Careers.

'Stuck in a dead-end job going nowhere fast?

'Log on to brighterdaycareers.co.uk and get your career back on track.'

Aww, cute.

'Still looking slow on the M62 between junction 18 and 19...'

-Look at this. Where's he going?

-CAR HORN BEEPS

Oh, let it go. What are you doing?

It's an adult crossing.

It's for kids. It's for kids this, mate.

-What did you say?

-You've no kids with you. It's not for adults.

-Say that again.

-Lock your doors, lock your doors.

Say that again to my face.

Never you mind. Hurry up, love.

-Yeah? How's that, eh?

-Oh, you animal!

-Go on!

-Idiot.

-Yeah, you'd better drive off, you bald bastard.

-I can't see.

-What were you doing?

Well, it's a kids' crossing, isn't it?

-I'm up to bloody here with it.

-He was quite fit.

I can't see a pissing thing now. Look at that egg.

-I can't see nothing.

-You're making it worse.

'This is Forever FM.'

MUSIC: MMMBop by Hanson

Do we have to do this?

I can't see out the windscreen. Animal.

Should've opened me car door and winded him.

Do we really need to do this, John?

It's all right. I'm not having the full platinum.

-Here we go.

-Are your windows up? Are your windows up?

It's up, it's up.

Here she comes.

I can't do it. I can't do this, I can't do this, John.

Hey, get off me. What's up with you?

We shouldn't have done this. MUSIC BLARES

-Are you deaf?

-I can't stand the noise.

What, MMMBop - Hanson?

What's the matter with you?

It's the water, there's just water everywhere.

It's a carwash. What's up?

I'm aquaphobic. Got to get out.

Let me out, let me out!

We can't get out now, I only have half the car washed.

It cost me £6.50!

-I'm having a panic attack.

-Now? You pick your moments.

-I'm going all funny.

-Think happy thoughts.

Breathe. Just breathe. Think happy thoughts.

Just think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts.

# Said, oh, yeah

# In an mmmbop they're gone

# Yeah, yeah

# Plant a seed plant a flower, plant a rose

# You can plant any one of those

# Keep planting to find out which one grows

# It's a secret no-one knows

# It's a secret no-one knows

# Oh, no-one knows

# Mmmbop, ba duba dop

# Ba du bop, ba duba dop

# Ba du bop, ba duba dop

# Ba du, yeah

# Mmmbop, ba duba dop

# Ba du bop, ba du dop

# Ba du bop, ba du dop

# Ba du, yeah

# Can you tell me? Oh

# No, you can't cos you don't know

# Can you tell me? Oh, yeah

# You say you can but you don't know

-# Can you tell me? Oh

-Which flower's going to grow?

# No, you can't cos you don't know... #

It's all right, it's all gone now, deep breaths, that's it.

SHE CHOKES

Shit, what's up? What's up?

What's that?

Poppadom. Oh, I'm sorry, I had that last night.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

-RADIO:

-'...with Lancashire Scrap Metal.

'If the outlook is rubbish, call Keith on 08081-570-075.'

'So, here we go again, then.

'The Forever FM Golden Hour with hits

'and headlines from a chosen year. "It could be you."

'That's what the National Lottery started telling us

'in this year and I've only ever had one ball.

'The Lion King was stealing our hearts in the cinema,

'whilst Fred and Primrose West were arrested for the murders

'of 12 women in Gloucester but what was the year? Let me know.

You're listening to the Golden Hour on Forever FM.

'The Forever FM Golden Hour.'

MUSIC: Bump N'Grind by R. Kelly

'94. Wahey!

Feeling better?

You look a bit rough.

-Thanks.

-Well, you do.

John!

Oh, frig me. What time's the circus?

-You what?

-Yeah, look at your face, Coco.

Oh, shit, I thought it was me lip balm.

-Why've I done that?

-You look like Ivy Tilsley.

Thought you were dolling yourself up for Superted.

He gets where water can't, this lad.

# I don't see nothing wrong

# With a little bump and grind

Look at him, he's filthy

Fingers crossed.

Oh, so you're feeling better.

I'm not, actually, me head's banging now,

I told you I should have done a sickie.

Well, too late now. Up and at 'em. Come on.

Wait, I can't go into work looking like this.

Well, you lock her up, Baby Jane.

MUSIC IN CAR: How Bizarre by OMC

-You all right?

-Not really.

-What's up?

Dave Thomson is a N-O-B head.

He's just had a right go at me in front of everyone, I'm fuming!

Why? What for?

Because I priced up an iceberg lettuce as a cabbage.

What do I know about fruit and veg? I'm promotions.

What were you doing on fruit and veg?

I was covering for Gayle, she's gone for a smear.

I priced up a "couple" of iceberg lettuce as cabbage.

How come?

Because they look exactly the same, that's how come.

Yeah, but they don't cost the same, do they?

I only sold about eight.

Next minute he comes over booming,

IRISH ACCENT: "Stop right there,

"you've cost this company a fortune today, missy." Missy!

That's uncanny. I thought he was sat in the back, then.

Waving fruit and veg in me face.

"See this? This is a banana. This, this is a tomato."

Sarcastic pig.

A tomato's not a fruit.

Oh, don't you start.

# Every time I look around

# Every time I look around

# It's in my face. #

-RADIO:

-'It is the big, big drive home. It's Forever FM.

'Hello, this is Andy.

'Have you had a good day today? We hope you have.

'Here's a question for you - have you ever used Botox?

'Apparently, scientists are now looking at...'

-What happened earlier?

-When?

This morning in the carwash, like. What happened?

I'm so sorry, I haven't had an episode like that in ages.

You said aquaphobia.

Yeah, it just came over me before. I had it really bad years ago.

I had to go to counselling for it.

You're joking. I didn't think you could get it that bad.

Oh, yeah, awful.

I didn't even have a bath or shower in the second year.

I know. Really traumatic.

How did you cope?

Wet wipes, John. Saved me life.

Where did you get it, like? You're not born aquaphobic are you?

-I mean...

-No. Well, it started...

Me mum bought me a cheap swimming cossie off the market

and I got allergic to all the pink, glittery butterflies on it.

My skin went just all red and itchy and eugh!

Anyway, me mum lost her mind,

took it back to the woman who ran the stall.

Anaphylactic?

I don't know her name.

No, I mean, that's what it is, isn't it?

When you're allergic to something, it's anaphylactic.

You get symptoms, like, you get a rash and that.

Well, I did.

Swelled up like a beachball but just in the shape of me cossie.

Weird. Anyway, the woman wouldn't give us a refund.

Me mum lost her mind, sent the cossie to Esther Rantzen.

Never heard anything back.

It took me years to pluck up the courage to go back in the water

and when I finally did, I swallowed a plaster in Rhyl Sun Centre.

-RADIO:

-'And we're conduction clinical trials to help find a cure

'for asthma and other lung and heart-related conditions.

'You'll need to be available Monday to Friday, 10 till 4 for six weeks.

'And, if eligible,

-'we may reimburse up to half your travelling expenses.'

-"May"?

'To take part, text "heart attack" to...'

Text "heart attack"! What? Oh.

You'd proper have to be on the bones of your arse

to do that, wouldn't you?

Well... Don't knock it till you've tried it.

I would never try it.

I could do with a bit of extra income myself, actually.

Well, don't be doing that. Bloody hell, things can't be that bad.

Well, they're not THAT bad but I am constantly skint.

I shouldn't have gone to Beyonce last night, really,

but sometimes you've just got to live a little, John, haven't you?

-Very true.

-You know, I'm always trying to make ends meet.

It soon goes.

-If I could just get some extra cash, that'd help.

-Yeah.

Hey, is there any money in the Christmas team

you're putting together?

I don't know.

Am I on the list?

We're calculating aisle space and working out staff rotas

and all that carry-on.

Don't forget me.

How can I forget? You mention it every bloody day.

You must be on a good whack being management.

You think?

I'm an assistant manager of a supermarket, love.

I'm hardly Lord Sugar.

You live on your own.

So do you.

Suppose, I just don't know where it goes, John.

I've got the mortgage, utilities, petrol money...

Oh, and I'm paying 15 quid a month for heartsearchers.com.

Heart searchers?

You know, me online dating.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Well, that's a waste of money, right there.

I've got me animals to pay for every month.

What animals? I thought you only had a dog.

Well, I have but I've also fostered a panda, a tiger and a donkey.

You've fostered a panda, a tiger and a...

It's those appeals, John - they get me every time.

Them shitty appeals...

Oh, they break my heart. I can't say no.

You're forking out for a panda, a tiger and a donkey?

-No wonder you're on your arse.

-Leeki, Thor and Jackie-O.

I've never met them but we keep in touch on Facebook.

-How?

-They send me pictures.

-They have proper seen you coming.

-No, they haven't.

They're endangered species, John, once they're gone, that'll be it.

-That'll be what?

-Well, they'll be extinct, won't they?

Like dinosaurs? Exactly.

-Hardly.

-Well.

-RADIO:

-'Our station, your music - together, forever.

'This is Forever FM.'

SILENCE

No.

MUSIC STARTS BRIEFLY, THEN CUTS OUT

Oh, what a balls-up.

-Did that happen live on air?

-Yeah.

Someone is going to get sacked.

What a balls-up.

MUSIC: Everybody Wants To Rule The World by Tears For Fears

This song has never aged.

Never aged.

-BOTH SING:

-# Welcome to your life

-# There's no turning back... #

-It hasn't.

# Even while we sleep

# We will find you

# Acting on your best behaviour

# Turn your back on Mother Nature

# Everybody

# Wants to rule the world... #

Then, they had two black lads dancing

in the video thing.

And he was wearing high-waisted jeans.

I used to watch it all the time

in t'pub in town. They used to have a video jukebox.

-In the pub?

-Yeah.

-I must have only been about two.

A pound a video, it were. Used to be packed,

if I wanted to go on it.

And they had a mechanical bull for a few weeks.

What?

I lost my virginity on one of those.

SHE GIGGLES

You what?!

What did you say?!

Hang on a minute!

You lost your virginity on a mechanical bull?!

Frigging hell, what speed were it on?

Fast enough.

Why did you tell me that for?

-I didn't really.

-Yeah.

-It was a Buckaroo!

-A Buckaroo?

I'm just talking silly. I don't mean it.

I bloody hope it weren't a Buckaroo.

I hope you didn't give it to a jumble after that.

A couple of buckets missing.

-RADIO:

-'Forever FM, traffic and travel, brought to you by

'Brighter Day Career.'

PHONE RINGS

Hey up, your mate is ringing me.

Hello, Dave.

'John, it's Dave. Listen, FYI,

'I've just had Colin on from CJK

'and he's thrown us a bit of a curveball at the 11th hour.

'He said that the earliest he can get it to us will be close of play

-'Wednesday. Now, do you think you can run with that?'

-Wednesday?

Oh, it's going to be tight. It's going to be touch and go.

I don't think we'll have enough boots on the ground

to wrap our heads around it. We don't want to paint ourselves

-into a corner, Dave.

-'I hear you loud and clear, John,

'but we need to close the loop on this. If we hit the ground running

'on Wednesday, I think it'll be win-win.

'But we need to keep our powder dry. We can't afford to drop

'the ball at this late stage of the game.'

Yeah, agreed. We're going to have to go belt and braces on this.

I'll speak to the rest of the team, A-SAP.

-I'm sure they'll go that extra mile.

-'We need 110%, John, nothing less.'

You'll get it, Dave. I'll make sure they're all over it, first thing.

'Oh, and thanks for sitting in on that shite this afternoon.

'That Elsie, she doesn't deserve a second...

-'Look, are you on your own here?'

-DEEP VOICE: Yes.

-Ah...!

-Choo!

-'What was that?'

I sneezed, Dave. Sorry.

'Bless you! Look, that Elsie doesn't deserve a second chance.

'She's pissed on her chips too many times, as far as I'm concerned,

'but if you think her personal life is in the shitter,

-'I'll take your word for it.'

-She has had a rough year,

but she'll come to her senses after a bit of leave.

You know, reflect on her life and behaviour

-and see how things pan out.

-'I didn't realise you knew her that well.'

Well, I don't, Dave, but you hear things, don't you?

'Aye. Did you hear I had a run-in with your wee pal Kayleigh

'this afternoon?'

Erm...no. No. Why, what happened?

'Oh, the daft cow suddenly fancied herself as a greengrocer,

'wandered over to F&V and turned the place upside down.

'Talk about a shambles. 32 years in retail, John,

'and I've never seen anything like it.

'She had everything priced up wrong.

'She was practically giving the stuff away.'

Erm, I'm sure she was only trying to help.

'Ho! Help? Aye! Look, she almost single-handedly closed us down.

'Lucky I was on hand, to give her an arse kicking.

'She's not the sharpest tool in the shed, that one, John.'

I hear what you're saying, but trust me, her heart's in the right place.

You've just got to get to know her. She's actually got some good ideas.

-'Like?'

-Well, you know, about staff morale and all that -

you know, the vending machine in the staff canteen only serves

-Scotch broth. And the disabled toilets...

-'I like Scotch broth.'

Me, too. Who doesn't?

But are you aware the seat on the disabled toilet's got a crack in it?

'I'm well aware. It took a great chunk out of my arse this morning.

-'And?'

-And they all need addressing, is all I'm saying.

-If we can make the staff happy, I'm confident that we can...

-'Look,

'don't let Kayleigh soft soap you with all that

'hippy-happy workplace shite.

'She's playing you like a fucking fiddle, John.

'I've got her card marked. You've just got to realise that women

-like that are only good for...'

-You're breaking up, Dave.

I can't hear you. It's this new Bluetooth. Sorry.

'All I'm saying is, you can't put lipstick on a pig.

-'And if her grandad dies one more time this year...'

-What's that?!

-MIMICS TRANSMISSION BREAKING UP

-'I can hear you fine.'

-'John?'

-No, you're cutting out. I'll have to call you back.

-What an effin' arsehole!

-'What was that?!'

It was the radio, Dave. The Archers, Ta-ra!

What did you say that for?!

(Has he gone now?)

Course he's gone! And so will I be, down the bloody labour exchange.

What did you... What did you say that for?! "Effin' arsehole"!

When have they ever said that on The Archers?!

-He IS an effin' arsehole!

-But you didn't have to tell him that!

I did! I did have to tell him. I hate him. Did you hear him?

IMITATES DAVE: "Almost got us closed down. Going to give her an arse kicking."

-He's not Asian!

-I'm going to kick his arse.

-I'll kick his Irish arse back to Ballykissangel.

-He's not Irish!

-He's Scottish, you tool!

-Oh, let it go.

-I don't believe you.

I don't understand what goes on in your mind.

-Why didn't you stick up for me?!

-I did stick... I did stick up for you!

-No.

-I did stick up for you. I said Scotch broth, disabled toilets.

-No!

-I did say the toilets.

-He called me "a pig with lipstick".

-Well, he might have had a point.

I just used to come to work every day and nothing would ever happen.

Nothing! I would just sail in and sail out.

-Oh, don't say that, John.

-What?

-You know how much I hate water.

-Oh, for the love of God!

'John? Are you still there, John?'

# Love Shack

# Baby, Love Shack

# Love Shack

-# Baby, Love Shack

-That's where it's at, yeah

# Love Shack

-# Baby, Love Shack

-That's where it's at

# Love Shack

# Baby, Love Shack

# Dancin' and a-lovin' at The Love Shack. #