Episode 5 Peter Kay's Car Share

-NANA:

-'Ooh, did you hear that wind last night? It were awful.

'You should have seen Betty's trees bending.'

-JOHN:

-Bending, were they?

'I thought they were going to snap.'

Yeah, it were bad, weren't it, last night? It's lovely now, though.

'I've never known weather like it. We've had the lot.

'Wind, rain, wind. I've never known weather like it.

'It can't make its mind up.

'And I'm worried about our Paul and all.'

Why? What's up with him?

'He borrowed my leaf blower and he never took the charger.'

It'll be all right. Have you told him?

He can bob round and get it, can't he?

'But he'll be busy. He'll be off gallivanting.'

Well, if he wants it, he can come and get it.

He can get it at the weekend.

You're coming to my mum's for dinner on Sunday, aren't you?

'Am I? She never said.'

Yeah, we're all going round for birthday tea.

I've got you a Dairy Box.

'But what if he needs it before then?'

Who?

'Paul. What if he needs the charger before then?'

Well, I'm sure he can come and get it if he needs it.

'I know, but he's busy with his job.

'Can you not drop it round to him?'

I'm busy with my job! Anyway, I'll have to go. I'm at work now.

'So soon?'

Well, I mean I'm nearly at work.

Are you doing owt today?

'No, I'm not stirring out in this weather.'

But it's a gorgeous day, and it's your birthday.

'Oh, it makes no odds when you get to my age, John.

-'I'm just going to play my Michael Buble.'

-What did you say?

-Playing your what?

-'I'm going to sit and play my Michael Buble CD.'

-Oh, right. Very good.

-'But I think he's gone off.'

-Do you?

'He was on TV AM, and I think he looked tired.'

-UNINTERESTED:

-Yeah? Did he?

Well, have a good day, and I'll see you at the weekend.

-I've got your Dairy Box.

-'OK, then.'

-All right.

-(Seatbelts.)

-Yeah.

-'I'll see you. Ta-ra.'

All right, bye-bye. See ya, Nana. Take care. See ya.

'Oh, did you hear...'

Sorry about that. Hello. Hello.

Sorry, I was getting these dressed.

Yeah... Who are they?

-You did get my text about the kids, didn't you?

-No.

Oh, that's funny. I text you last night to see if it was all right to drop them off on the way in.

No, but it doesn't matter. It's OK.

-They stayed at mine last night. Our Mandy's having her legs done, private.

-Is she?

Hello. Nice to meet you.

This is Alfie. This is Chloe.

Say hello to Uncle John.

I'm hanging for an high five here, kids. Eh?

Nah.

Where's the school?

Keep going. It's just on the way in as normal.

It's just off Hibbert Road, near the old Bla-busters...

Blackbusters?

Ooh, sorry. I just burped.

-RADIO DJ:

-Morning all. This is Forever FM.

A classic Madonna and Cherish...

So, who's Rose? Finally got yourself a girlfriend?

No, it's my nana, if you must know. It's her birthday. I should have sent that yesterday.

-ALFIE:

-It's her birthday. I should have sent that yesterday.

-You call your nana Rose?

-Yeah, why?

-Yeah, why?

Why don't you just call her Nana?

No, I... I call her Rose. I've always called her Rose.

No, I call her Rose. I've always called her Rose.

-Weird.

-No, it ain't.

-No, it ain't.

-Is he trying to wind me up?

-Is he trying to wind me up?

It's just his thing at the moment.

-How come he's not copying you?

-How come he's not copying you?

Aw, he must have taken a shine to you.

Oh. All right, son, what are you into?

-Right, son, what are you into?

-Angry Birds.

Oh, aye, are you? I've had a few of them in my time.

-I've had a few of them in my time.

-John!

-What?

What?

-I'm just looking for the party, buddy.

-Tool.

-You're the tool.

-You're the tool.

-No, you're the tool.

-No, you're the tool.

-You're the tool.

Quit it, the pair of you!

-It's him.

-It's him.

-It's him.

-It's him.

-It's him.

-It's him.

-You want to act your age, son.

-I'm eight.

-You want to act your age, John.

Arguing with a child.

-I'll keep my mouth shut.

-I'll keep my mouth shut.

Enough!

MUSIC: When Smokey Sings by ABC

Do you know what? I'm going to post this.

Don't be daft. You'll never make it there and back in time.

Who won't?

Watch this.

Oh, my God. What is he doing? KIDS LAUGH

Wait there.

HE GROANS John!

Suffering Jesus. Oh, God...

-Are you all right?

-THEY LAUGH

-Thank you.

-It's all right.

-Thanks. You're all right.

-Oh, God, me arm.

-Did you see his hair?

-CAR HORNS BLARE

-And you!

There's a man down, here. All right?

Just get in the car.

I've broken my arm.

Aaargh! What are you doing to it?!

-If you can bend it, it's not broken.

-Don't do that again!

Just get me to... It's not funny, you!

-Stop laughing!

-Leave it. Alfie, shut up.

Get in the car.

-What are you doing?

-Well, you can't drive, can you? Get in!

Well, you can't drive this. You're not insured.

-It doesn't matter. Just get in.

-You two, stop laughing.

Shut the door, shut the door. I can't shut it.

Aaaaargh! Me arm!

-RADIO DJ:

-We stick a celebrity in that toaster, you tell us who it is.

So, Katie, can you put today's celeb in the toaster?

HE WHIMPERS

Brave soldier.

KIDS GIGGLE

Jesus!

I've been in the wars, here!

You've got to laugh, John.

I'm not laughing.

-It was so funny!

-Went right round. It's gone right round.

Your hand goes like...

SHE WHIMPERS MOCKINGLY

KIDS CONTINUE TO LAUGH

It's proper throbbing.

Ooh...

Come on, Miss Daisy!

Get your foot down. We've got a stock take at half nine.

Agh!

Do you not think you should go to A & E and get it checked out?

Oh, I-I've no time for A & E.

I'll be reet. I'll power through.

BLEEP Oh!

What... What was that noise, John?

It's the petrol thing. It needs filling up.

It's the petrol thing. It needs filling up.

Oh, quit it, son! I've been through the mill, here.

Alfie, stop it. Shh.

Are you all right? You've gone white.

-WEAKLY:

-I'm not surprised.

-Have you hurt your arm?

-Take a wild guess, love.

Take a wild guess, love.

-(Shut up, you.)

-All right, John, don't snap at her.

She's only trying to be nice to you.

It's your own fault for playing the daredevil. I told you you wouldn't make it.

I would've made it, easy, if it hadn't been for that bloody pavement sticking up.

-They're going to get a strong letter off me tonight.

-Who is?

'Kin council. Shithouses.

-Shithouses.

-Right!

Alfie Price, any more filth like that out of your mouth

-and you're grounded for a month.

-You can't ground me!

Ah! Keep going. Soon see who can't.

HE WHIMPERS

MUSIC: Put Yourself In My Place by Kylie Minogue

Jesus, my arm!

Right, come on, quick, you two.

Say goodbye to Uncle John the cripple. We're late.

-He's made us late now, the idiot.

-Hey!

-Hey!

What have I told you? Come on.

Outrageous, that, son.

If I'd said that to my dad, he'd have put me over his knee.

Cheeky, aren't they?

Alfie, you've left your orange on the seat.

Yeah, I'll orange you.

-Come on, in, in.

-Look at that!

Did you see the look he gave me?

-Ugh. Are you going to be all right? I'll just be in and out.

-Yeah, yeah.

See, this is why this country's gone wrong.

They need a good crack, these kids today.

Kids like that will be wiping my arse when I'm an old man.

Here, I got you this.

-What is it?

-It's a sling.

You're joking. Peppa Pig?

It's all they had.

Aaaaargh!

You stupid bi...

Did they not have a Bob the Builder or a...Power Rangers or something?

SHE SNIGGERS

Peppa pissing Pig.

You're making it worse!

-It's so funny...

-It's not funny.

Ah, keep me going all day, that.

SHE LAUGHS

All right, all right!

Have you any Nurofen in your bag?

-No, I don't believe in it.

-Oh...

Anadin?

I don't have any chemical toxins in my body.

Yeah, well...

I didn't hear you moaning yesterday, when you had me Fruit Pastilles.

-RADIO DJ:

-This is Forever FM.

MUSIC: New Sensation by INXS

BOTH: (Forever FM.)

Oh, this is a song.

I used to have this cassette.

Kick, this is off.

Belter.

I had it.

He were another Jim Morrison, this fella.

You know what he did, don't you?

-Who?

-This fella.

Hutchence?

Put his pants on t'bed and hung himself on t'door.

Yeah, you've told me.

SONG PAUSES

SONG RESUMES

Shocking, though, when he died.

I know!

Didn't expect that.

It's like when the People's Princess died.

-Ugh.

-Awful.

-Awful. Where were you when Diana died?

I'm not telling you.

-Why?

-I'm not telling you.

-Why?

-Cos I'm not.

-Where were you when...?

-I was in a hot tub.

Who were you in a hot tub with?

Four boys and our Mandy.

Huh...

I were at me mam's.

I was, too. Me mum was away.

Cat's away, eh?

I had a party.

Did you?

Me mum were in Lytham with me Auntie Joan.

She went, and I come back in at night

from working night shift at the supermarket,

and she left a Post-it Note...

"There's a lasagne in the fridge, and Diana's died."

SHE GASPS What a way to tell you!

Awful.

SONG CONTINUES

THEY SING ALONG WITH RADIO JINGLE:

# Miles of tiles that'll make you smile

# Make dreams come true at Corton Tiles. #

Did you try and harmonise, then?

-RADIO DJ:

-This is the station with the timeless hits.

-(Timeless hits.)

-How's your arm?

-Sore.

MUSIC: Have A Nice Day by Stereophonics

This is a nice, happy song.

You think it is, but if you listen to the words, it's actually...

quite a bitter song about a man who's not happy.

-He's being sarcastic.

-Oh, is he?

-Yeah.

He's saying, "Have a nice day."

-One of them.

-Aw...

My friend had this at her wedding.

More fool her.

I knew a couple who had I'm Not In Love as their first slow song.

-SHE LAUGHS

-10cc.

Even I know that's not a good one to have.

Split up six months after.

Talk about cursing.

-What would you have?

-What?

What would be your first dance?

I don't know...

I don't know. It's not going to happen, so...

I don't need to think about that one.

I'll never get wed.

I'm going to have Runaway by The Corrs.

You can't have Runaway. It's about running away.

I know, running away together.

Oh, no. You can't have Runaway as a slow dance.

Why not?

-It's about running off.

-Yeah, with the man of your dreams.

-Nah.

-I've got my whole wedding day planned.

You've got to meet someone first. Talk about jumping the gun.

It's not in it.

How are things going with, erm...

Heartsearches.com?

I've not had any winks for a while.

I won't be having any winks with this arm.

RADIO JINGLE

-RADIO:

-Pick a number between one and ten.

Seven.

Take that number and double it.

-14.

-Then add your age...

I'm lost.

-..and take away 15.

-Fif... Ff... 31.

-Are you left with the number 76?

-No.

No. It doesn't add up, does it?

-No.

-But one thing that does add up...

-Ugh, bollocks.

..is the new current account from...

Suck you in, don't they?

BLEEP It's still beeping, John.

-HE SIGHS

-We need petrol.

Just...get to a garage, fill her up.

..current account is the one that really adds up.

Call into your local branch today, and let us do the maths.

-RADIO:

-15 degrees.

-Forever FM weather with Lancashire Scrap Metal.

If the wind's blown it down, we'll pick it up.

Call Keith on 08081-570-075.

So here we go, the Forever FM Golden Hour,

with hits and headlines from a chosen year.

What year is it?

It was the unforgettable year of 9/11,

when two planes hit the World Trade Center in New York,

whilst Harry Potter started his first year at Hogwarts

on the big screen. But what was the year?

2001.

MUSIC: Hero by Enrique Iglesias

Got something for your arm.

Painkillers?

A Creme Egg!

Argh!

SONG CONTINUES

Aw, how's your poorly arm now?

Still smarting.

There he is.

Ted number two, having a Diet Coke break.

# I can be your hero, baby... #

He could lift me up like that any time he likes.

# I can kiss away the pain... #

I bet he's not been CRB checked.

# I will stand by you forever... #

I don't know why you just don't speak to him.

What?! As if I'd just...

Pfft, no! As if...

Joking.

Mind you, he'll probably have bloody clocked off

by the time you've parked up.

Ow!

-Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital and get it checked out?

-No time.

Just get a few painkillers down me, I'll be right as rain.

Well, don't you go overdosing.

I don't want to get the bus home on my own.

There's no chance. It's too much money.

I said I'm happy for you.

Well, you've got to, haven't you? It's work. What can you do?

I don't know. I'll have to sort something.

I'm not phoning her tonight.

She's had a sedation, she'll be off her face.

Yeah, as far I know. Steve rang earlier.

Anyway, I'm going to have to go.

OK. I know it's not your fault.

Well, just speak to your boss, sergeant fella,

and let us know what's happening.

All right. Bye.

-How's your arm?

-Ugh, agony.

I felt a right arsehole, sat in stocktake with this in a sling.

-Give us your keys.

-Why?

You can't drive with your arm like that, can you?

-All right. A bit of sympathy wouldn't go a miss.

-Get in.

MUSIC: Picture Of You by Boyzone

# You'll be there - the only one who can help me

# I had a picture of you in my mind

# Never knew it would be so wrong

# Why'd it take you so long just to find

# The friend that was there all along. #

I see you were chatting to your friend Rachel.

-Yep.

-What did she want?

Nowt. I was just telling her about my accident,

what happened this morning.

Did she offer to kiss it better?

No, but she did ask me if I fancied a drink sometime.

What?!

She asked me if I fancied going for a drink.

Well, I hope you told her where to go.

What's rattled your cage?

(Nothing.)

-Just didn't think you went for that type.

-And what type's that?

Slutty.

Christ! I don't know what's got into you lately.

I can't do right for doing wrong.

You're always on at me, "John, you need to meet somebody,

"you can't spend the rest of your life on your own," and then

when I do finally get a sniff, you go berserk.

Well, she's just not right for you, that's all I'm saying.

-How do you know what's right for me?

-Well, I know it's not that slapper.

-I thought you were friends?

-We are!

I know what she's like.

She'd go with anything with a pulse.

Thanks(!)

-Well, she's already been out with three different blokes from our place since Christmas.

-Who?

Steve...off freezers,

Ian Hardy, who left, and I'm sure he moved to Burnley just to get away from her because he still lives

-round here and it takes him two hours to get to work every morning.

-Ian Hardy left

cos he got store manager. It had nothing to do with Rachel.

And who's the third?

-You, now!

-Ha-ha! Me?

-Yes!

-She's only asked me out for a bloody drink. Good God.

And as for fancying people from work, that's rich.

You've been drooling over Ted 2 since old Ted's funeral.

-Completely different.

-No, it's not.

Yes, it is, that's from afar. She's gone and asked you out for a drink.

Aye, for a drink. Nothing else.

Yeah, a drink, and the next thing you know, her knickers will be hanging off your lampshade.

Sounds to me like you're jealous.

Of her?!

You've got to be kidding.

She's a wrong 'un, John. Don't say I didn't warn you.

MUSIC: Devil Woman by Cliff Richard

# I've had nothing but bad luck

# Since the day I saw the cat at my door

# So I came into you, sweet lady

# Answering your mystical call

# Crystal ball on the table

# Showing the future, the past

# Same cat with them evil eyes

# And I knew it was a spell she cast

# She's just a devil woman with evil on her mind

# Beware the devil woman she's going to get you

# She's just a devil woman with evil on her mind

-# Beware the de... #

-PHONE RINGS

"Our Keiron."

-Leave it. I'll speak to him later.

-Sure?

# Give me the ring on your finger

# Let me see the lines on your hand

# I can see me a tall, dark stranger

# Giving you what you hadn't planned... #

PHONE RINGS

"Our Keiron" again.

Ugh, just leave it.

Are you sure? He wants to get hold,

-he's obviously trying to get hold of you.

-John, I said leave it.

-I can't answer it when I'm driving, can I?

-What's got into you?

-Nothing.

-Has something happened at work?

-Nothing. No.

Is it Rachel asking me out for a drink?

-No!

-Well, summat's up.

Our Keiron's been offered a job and he's got to move away.

Can he not commute?

It's in Cyprus.

Clearly not, then.

He's in the army, though. You're used to him being away.

I know but it's different this time.

He's going to be stationed out there permanently.

Ah, I see.

What am I going to do?

I can't afford to keep paying for the house on my own.

But don't you do that now?

Well, not on my own. He still chucks in for the mortgage.

He won't be able to do that any more.

I'll have to move out, won't I?

Where will you go?

I don't know.

Probably to our Mandy's.

I can't afford to rent on my own.

Do none of your friends need someone to rent with?

They're all married with kids. It's only me who's still left

on their effing own.

This wouldn't have happened if I'd met someone.

Don't be ridiculous. They're two separate things.

You can't force meeting somebody,

and your Keiron would have got that job, whatever the weather.

What about your mum's?

Fair enough.

SHE SIGHS I'll have to ask our Mandy.

-She's got her own family, hasn't she?

-I know, I know.

There's hardly enough room as it is,

and Steve's got his bikes in the garden.

MUSIC: Drive by The Cars

I could actually cry.

36, and what have I got to show for my life? I've got nothing.

Don't be silly.

It'll be all right. You've got...

You'll only be at Mandy's for a little while,

and I can still pick you up in the mornings.

She lives in Bury.

Shit. Bury?

Bloody miles away.

How are you going to get in?

I'll have to get the tram.

Oh, right.

Well, you can't pick me up.

It's on the other side of town.

Yeah, I suppose.

I'll be all right. I've got to get the tram. I'll be fine.

At least you've got a bit of time to sort things out.

He leaves next week!

Bloody hell! Are you joking?

-What you slowing down for?

-I'm not. I've got me foot right down.

-It's not me.

-Put your foot down.

It's not me, it's just slowing down, John.

-What's up with her?

-John, it's...

-Pull over.

-Oh, shit.

-Pull over.

-I'm pulling over!

Here, pull over here.

Park here.

Well, what do you reckon?

Not a clue. Flip the bonnet.

What do you reckon?

Bloody catches, eh? Why do they hide 'em?

It's snapped off. It's snapped off!

What do you reckon?

Will you stop saying that, "What do you reckon?" I know nothing about cars!

SHE SIGHS

Looks all right... No steam.

It just slowed down?

Yeah. You were with me!

Bollocks! What a day!

I don't need this.

What are we going to do?

We're going to have to ring roadside recovery, aren't we?

SHE SIGHS We're going to be stuck here for hours.

Here, you speak to them. They come quicker for a woman.

Come on.

Well, I do need some new knickers.

Hurry up!

ADVERT ON RADIO

Bloody hell, are you trying to cop off?

I've just spoke to a lovely man called Jermaine.

-Oh, Christ.

-He's sorting it.

They'll either be an hour or we get 45 quid's worth of M&S vouchers.

I get 'em. It's my car.

I made the call.

-An hour?

-Mm-hm.

-What are we going to do for an hour?

Do I have my own chat show?

No.

Am I a human being?

Yes, course you are.

Am I alive or dead?

I honestly don't know.

-Yeah, I think you might be. I think you might be.

-Well, that's no good.

Either I'm dead or I'm alive. Am I a famous boxer?

-You've had your turn.

-I know, but you didn't know if I was alive or dead, so it doesn't count.

-When you know who you are, it won't matter if you're alive or dead anyway.

-Oh, how shite's that?

Am I a famous boxer?

It's still not your go. It's my go.

Am I a famous boxer?

No. Am I a famous boxer for the third time?

No...

but you like fighting.

Where's this fella?

Are you going to go for a drink with Rachel?

What's...that...? Just play the game.

Right, another question.

Am I a child?

Yes, constantly.

I'm a fighter, I like fighting...

Am I Rocky Balboa?

No.

Am I...

Oh, for God's sake. Oh, play fair.

-Do I have a...

-Can I speak?

Do I have an Afro?

Yes, you do.

-My go.

-Am I Snoopy?

My go! Snoopy doesn't have an Afro!

Am I made of Plasticine?

-Oh, finally, the cavalry's here.

-Whoo-hoo.

Oh, frig, I hope that's not Jermaine.

-Hi.

-All right, love?

Do you want to flip your bonnet, Little Orphan Annie?

I knew it was her.

HE TUTS I knew it!

Am I a famous boxer?

Definitely not.

Ooh.

What do you reckon?

When did you last fill her up?

This morning, why?

Well, it's never a good idea to fill a diesel engine up with unleaded.

What have you done now?!

I'll go and sort the truck out.

You said it was petrol!

Yeah, diesel!

You didn't say diesel, you definitely said petrol.

Petrol is diesel!

Petrol is petrol, diesel is diesel!

It says on the cap in bloody big, red letters, "Diesel!"

-Well, I didn't see it!

-Obviously not!

A perfect end to a bloody perfect day.

# It can lift you up Never let you down

# Take your world and turn it all around

# Ever since time, nothing's ever been found

# That's stronger than love

# Ever since time, nothing's ever been found

# That's stronger than love. #