Episode 6 Peter Kay's Car Share

# We can write what we want to write

# We gotta make ends meet Before we get much older

# We're all someone's daughters

# We're all someone's sons

# How long can we look at each other

# Down the barrel of a gun?

# You're the voice, try and understand it

# Make a noise and make it clear

# Oh-wo-wo-wo

# Oh-wo-wo-wo

# We're not going to sit in silence

# We're not going to live with fear, oh-wo-wo-wo, oh-wo-wo-wo... #

SNIPPETS FROM RADIO

-Hi, you all right?

-Not really.

What's that?

Oh. Would you put it in the car for us?

What is it?

I slept through me alarm. I would still be spark out now

if Ken next door didn't have Lorraine on full blast this morning.

-And what is this?

-It's me costume.

Promotion in work.

National effing Jam Week - you've got us dressed as different jams.

Oh, yeah, I remember that meeting. I seconded that idea.

Oh, thank you. I'd like to see you parading round in a pair of leggings

when you've mislaid your Spanx.

-RADIO:

-Timeless hits, now and for ever.

How's the packing gone?

I've been at it all night. Still not even finished. Post-its everywhere.

You wouldn't believe one house could hold so much SHIT.

Kitchen drawers filled up with nothing but bullcrap.

Batteries, biros,

old wedding invites for people who have now split up.

I've just found a C&A bag full of Kinder Egg toys

shoved in a glory hole.

I might as well cancel Pickfords cos I've slung half of everything.

I've been ruthless. Well, I've got to be -

I'm sharing a box bedroom with a cross trainer.

15 bin bags for the Spastics Society.

Lord knows what they're going to do with my roller boots.

What time are they coming?

Eight o'clock. There goes my lie-in.

I swear they've no need. I could get everything I own in the back

of our Mandy's Citroen.

Not much to show for my time on this earth, John.

36 pairs of shoes and a set of Babyliss crimpers.

I'd give you a lift, but I'm taking our Ben and Sophie to the

arena tomorrow, to a big monster truck rally. Our Paul's got to work.

It's all right. We'll manage - don't worry.

Our Mandy's going to come round.

She's going to give me a hand.

You know, they say moving house can be one of the most stressful

things you ever do.

They're not wrong. I really don't need this in my life right now.

I should be settled down.

Not moving in with me little sister and her family.

I'm going to miss our house so much. It's all I've ever known.

I've been there my whole life.

Born in it. Well, not in it, but...

..been there since I was a baby.

-It's traumatic.

-Are you being sarcastic?

No, I'm not, no. It is.

I mean, it's like you said, you've lived there all your life.

Everything you've ever known is in that house, your family,

childhood, every memory,

-every Christmas.

-All right, John!

Sorry...

-RADIO:

-Brought to you by Brighter Day Careers.

Stuck in a dead-end job?

Going nowhere fast? Log on to brighterdaycareers.co.uk

and get your career back on track.

On the roads, it's busy in all the usual places. The M6...

Hey, you'll never guess what else I found down the back of the Welsh dresser?

Shergar's saddle.

Bobby Ball's braces.

What, his actual braces that he wore? How'd you get them?

Happen they're worth a bob or two.

No, not his real ones. You could buy these ones after their show.

I remember crying me eyes out till my dad bought me a pair,

then I wore them all the time. I was OBSESSED with him. Rock on, Tommy!

Did you have a 'tache an' all?

No, but I did have a very aggressive perm.

I used to love Cannon and Ball, I did. They were massive. Hysterical.

I saw them three times in Blackpool.

I never bought any braces, though.

So did we! At the North Pier?

Yeah, that's where we saw them, North Pier. Lenny Henry were on with them.

Was he? I don't remember him being there.

How mad we were both in the same place at the same time

and we didn't even know.

Well, how would we? We didn't know each other.

That's fate, Jonathan. I'm telling you.

Coincidence at bloody best.

Well, I don't even know anyone else who went.

# Laugh me a laugh, grin me a grin

# And then we'll know that we can win... #

Call yourself a fan?

Do you not think we're a bit like Cannon and Ball, me and you?

I'm the little bubbly funny one and you're the other...

Tommy Cannon? Cheeky bitch.

Rock on, Johnny!

Shocking.

I know we're a bit late, but can we stop for something to eat?

I haven't had me brekkie yet.

We'll be cutting it fine.

Oh, come on, it's our last day together.

I'll treat you.

Go on, you can blame me.

At least I'll be early again next week.

You'll not go hungry in here.

I hope not. I've been saving me sins.

They're taking their time, aren't they? I'm starving.

So how do you know about this place?

Erm...I come in now and again.

A bit more civilised than McDonalds.

Come on... Two Fat Boys - fill your boots.

-I'll never eat all that.

-You get a balloon if you do.

-I'll look like one an' all.

-If you scrape through those beans,

-there's a phone number for the British Heart Foundation.

-Really?

-I'm joking.

-To be fair, you'd need one.

How many calories are in this? Off the scale.

Come on, a special occasion. It's Friday. It's our last supper, this.

I'll still be eating this for supper.

They've been a bit skinny, actually. You should get two fried bread.

It's gone downhill a bit, truth be told.

I'll never get through all of this. It's too much for me, this.

You can't whack a Fat Boy.

Can I have two more white toast, please?

That's me done. I'm out!

Do you mind? It's the best bit, the rind.

Be my guest. I'm full now.

I'll have to undo my pants.

Thank God for leggings.

I hear you. Trackie bottoms.

Mind you, I can't imagine working in a pair of those bastards.

Excuse my French.

Elasticated waists, that's the future.

-Trackie bottoms are elasticated.

-I mean elasticated trousers. Marks's sell them.

Lethal, slippery slope.

You sound like me grandad.

Do I? He knows comfort, does he?

Look, you didn't do bad, did you? Considering you thought

you wouldn't eat it. You took the pattern of that plate.

I was starving. Not eaten all week!

Why?

Just with the move and everything - just been a bit upset by it.

I always go off me food when I'm like that.

I go the other way, though. I eat when I'm upset.

-Do you?

-I'm a bugger for it.

Oh, God, I would be a size 20 if I was like that.

I blame the advertising.

Like on Cadbury's fingers, they say one's not enough.

It's not, though.

-I know, but they're telling you that.

-My downfall is wine.

I don't drink, you see.

Do you know how many calories are in a glass of wine?

-Not a clue.

-Five of them. Five Fat Boys in a glass of wine.

Really?

I can drink a bottle and a half a night.

How many Fat Boys is that?

18.

What time is it?

Oh, ten to. Come on, we best make tracks.

-Is it? It's gone quick, that.

-I'll settle up.

-I'll pay.

-No, I'll pay.

-I'll get it, I said in the car I'll get it.

-I'll get it,

put your purse away. I've got a loyalty card.

Three more Fat Boys and I get a baseball cap.

Oh, woopy doo! I'll go and put my face on, then.

Right, I'll settle up.

-Thanks, Janet, I'll see you next week, love.

-OK.

-All right, John.

-Hiya, Tony. Bloody hell! How's it going?

-Nice to see you, lad.

-And you.

Keeping busy?

You know me, I never stop.

Sorry to hear about your dad, that was awful.

I didn't find out, you know, till after the funeral.

I would have been there - you know that, don't you?

-I know. I know.

-He was a good pal of mine, your dad.

You know, we went back years.

We used to go out driving in the summer months. In the days before the breathalyser...

It's a shame he's gone -

I wanted to pick his brains about something.

How's Joan?

Still breathing, last time I checked. She's murder.

She's running to the toilet every two minutes. We can't plan nothing.

-How's Craig?

-He's a waste of space, still at home.

-You're joking?!

-He won't leave as long as she's still doing his washing.

And how are you?

I'm up and down. I've been ill meself.

-Have you?

-Not as ill as your dad. Obviously.

-Obviously.

-But not far off. A rectal abscess.

They sent me to London to see a specialist.

I had to stand all the way.

We've only got a Micra.

-I'm joking, we went on the train.

-Ah-ha! Yeah.

-This place has gone downhill a bit, hasn't it?

-Yeah, it has, hasn't it?

I thought that. You used to get two fried bread.

And the mugs are smaller.

-Aren't they just? Aren't they?

-Still...

-Yeah...

Mm. Still.

-I only come in for the free Wi-Fi.

-Oh, right.

I get everything online now. I don't even have to leave the house.

Piece of piss.

-I'll have an hour now, Skyping my little lady friend in Phuket.

-Yeah?

-She's 21 today.

-Like that, is it?

Got her on me screensaver.

Now you look at that and tell me you wouldn't.

I'm flesh and blood. A man's got needs.

I haven't had a sniff since we got Sky+.

Joan's in bed for Emmerdale and I'm downstairs sexting Thailand.

This one's just getting up for college.

-Still...

-If it was up to me, I would move out there like a shot.

But Joan doesn't like the sun, miserable cow.

If they take her back in to get her bladder sorted,

I'm off on the first plane out of this shithole.

It's not that bad.

What? It's getting worse. It's like a ghost town.

All the shops are closed down.

The window cleaner's got a sander and the precinct,

that's full of weirdos. And you get a few oddballs in here an' all.

There's one.

All right?

Erm. Kayleigh, Tony, Tony, Kayleigh.

We work together.

Where? Down the pit?

I can't believe you did that in there.

What? You said we were late. I was trying to save time.

-I won't be rushing back there in a hurry, will I?

-I liked it.

I mean you and your bloody black face.

What? I'm a blackcurrant.

They don't know that, do they?

Oh. Nobody's bothered. You're too sensitive, John.

I don't think you're going to get away being blacked up at work. Someone's going to complain.

-Why?

-Cos it's racist.

-Well, you came up with the idea.

-I didn't think you'd be blacking up.

What? I'm a blackcurrant. I dressed as a yellow pepper last week.

-No Chinese kicked off.

-Jesus!

Hurry up and get in before we get carjacked.

Now who's being racist?

MUSIC: Love Plus One by Haircut 100

-RADIO:

-This is For Ever FM - timeless hits, now and for ever.

'And you're listening to Golden Hour,

'but what is the year this morning?'

1982.

'Well, Gill in Nelson's got it absolutely bang on this morning.'

-Phone 'em.

-Wouldn't risk me bloody money.

'And the For Ever FM Golden Hour continues with this.'

SONG BEGINS

-What are you laughing at?

-Listen!

# Ebony and ivory... #

What?!

Ebony and bloody Ivory!

Oh, me and you?! Oh, I love that.

That's piss funny.

# Oh, Lord, why don't we? #

Here's Super Ted.

What's he doing now? Look at him, he's wet through.

Ditto.

Why don't you just say hello and put us all out of our misery?

Looking like this?

# And I could tell it wouldn't be long till he was

# With me, yeah, me

# Singing I love rock and roll

# So put another dime in the jukebox, baby

# I love rock and roll

# So come and take your time and dance with me! #

-Hello.

-Hiya, Kayleigh. You all right?

-Yeah.

Are you OK? You look at bit pasty.

It's this make-up, Rachel.

I can't get it off. I've been scrubbing it for half an hour.

-You're looking well.

-Isn't she?

You off anywhere nice this weekend?

I've got a Hindu in Newcastle for my mate Zahida.

A Hindu?

Well, it's a hen do for Hindus.

Fair enough.

Oh, I bet that'll be a laugh. I love a good hen do.

Hindu, tomay-to, tomah-to.

Eh, you might meet yourself a nice Geordie fella, pet.

Jesus.

That's me Geordie accent. It's not an Indian.

Don't do that at your Hindu.

Anyway I'll text you over the weekend, John.

-OK. Yeah. See you, Rachel, love.

-Yeah, bye.

-See you.

She's got your number?

Yeah, why?

Let's not fall out, it's our last car share home together.

I'm not falling out with you, John, I'm just saying

Rachel said she'd text you.

I wasn't even aware you'd swapped numbers.

I didn't think it was that serious.

It isn't serious at all. You've got my number.

-Well, that's different.

-Why's it different?

Because I need your number.

For...emergencies.

What emergencies? You're just being weird again.

Did you hear her? "I'm off to a Hindu hen do." She's cock-mad.

-What?!

-"Are you all right?

"You look pasty." I'll paste her.

I'll paste her to Newcastle and back.

I can't work you out. One minute you're acting all pally with her

and the next you're slagging her off. She took my number

because I'm thinking of having her work on my Christmas team, all right?

Oh! It gets worse.

How many weeks - months - have I been dropping hints to you

about your Christmas team? You know for a fact there's nobody loves

Christmas more than me.

And she's far too tall to be an elf.

Who mentioned anything about bloody elves?

I just assumed you'd have elves...

That's your problem - you assume everything and most of the time you assume wrong.

Just because she's got me number doesn't mean

she's got me bloody number.

I like Rachel, she's OK. But she's not my type.

-So what is your type?

-I don't have a type!

Do you not listen to anything I say?

I've told you I'm happy with my life, on my own. Unlike you,

I'm not searching for love or looking for somebody to spend

the rest of my life with. I like my life just the way it is, all right?

All right, OK.

And I never fraternise with the staff. Ever!

So I won't be having drinks with Rachel or anyone else,

if that puts your mind at rest.

-That's a relief.

-I'm not as stupid as you think, you know.

-I never said you were!

-You might think I'm a bit square,

but I've been round the block a few times, you know, and anybody

with a brain knows Rachel's trying to shag her way up the ladder.

Hey, that's my mate you're talking about.

Get out of town. Psycho.

Honestly, you drive me mad.

So has my mate, Rachel, made it onto your Christmas team?

All will be revealed next week.

-Have I?

-All will be revealed.

Come on, don't keep me in suspenders. Have I?

I've got a big meeting on Monday with Dave Thomson and Alan Campbell.

-Who's Alan Campbell?

-Area manager.

Oh, yeah, he was at the staff pancake race. Shouts a lot?

He's partially deaf.

Yeah, he kept insisting on winning. Bit of an arse clown.

I hope you don't end up like that.

-Like what?

-Like Alan Campbell and Dave Thompson.

-What do you mean?

-Idiot managers.

Well, I hope not.

I like to think because I'm aware of them being like that

I won't end up like that,

but things don't always work out like that, do they?

Anyway. I hope I've moved on by then.

-Store manager?

-No, different job.

I thought you really loved your job.

It's all right, but if I'm honest, I wouldn't want to stay on this

treadmill for the rest of me life.

I kind of fell into retail, really.

I wanted to go to music college but I couldn't afford it,

so I took a job at the store to save some money and I'm still here.

22 years later...

God, I can't believe it's that long.

-I didn't know you were a musician.

-Yeah.

What do you play?

Keyboard, guitar, bit of drums.

Oh, you're a right little Roy Castle.

-That was always my big dream, music.

-So why did you give it up?

-I haven't, I still play.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

-Where?

Pubs, clubs. I've been gigging for years, on and off.

How come you've never said about it before?

Well, I don't like to brag.

Have you ever had any hits?

No. We just do covers mainly. Ah, I've written a few songs.

-Really? Go on, sing me a song.

-No.

-Go on. Please sing me a song.

-No. No. Not a chance.

-Not a chance.

-Do you sing?

Yeah, a bit, yeah.

-Exciting! So how many of them are you?

-Eh?

So how many of them are there in the band?

Oh, we're just a duo now, myself and Jim.

So what are you called?

Compendium. You might have heard of us.

-Compendium?

-Yeah, because there were different sides to us. You know,

like rock, soul, jazz, country.

We were called John and Jim'll Fix It for years,

but then we had to change that, for obvious reasons.

It's very exciting! I'm sharing a car with a pop star.

No, I don't think so.

I'm dead jealous. I wish I could do something like that.

Where's my phone?

Here, click on there.

Go on front screen, go on YouTube and type us in - Compendium.

C-O-M...

pendium...

It's the best way to get your music out there.

Go on YouTube. Get people listening to it.

I can't use these iPhones with me nails.

It's a bit rough and ready. Jim's sister filmed it last year.

Oh, there you are.

Play it.

It's waiting, hold on.

# Walk out alone and I'll follow you

# The noise of the city, you know that I know

# And I think that you know that I'll only love you

# Tonight... #

Is that your front room?

It's Jim's.

# In the city You're so pretty there tonight

# Eyes are staring

# You're hardly wearing a thing tonight... #

Catchy.

# But you're mine. Woo-oh

# And I'm not gonna let you... #

Oh... Buffering again.

'Kin 3G shite. Never mind.

-It's good, that.

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

-You like it?

Yeah! That was a snazzy shirt you were wearing.

Is that your stage one?

Yeah, I've a few of them. And a Stetson.

Yeah, it's all right, needs a live bass

and the front room acoustics don't complement us.

Well, well done, you, you little dark horse.

Like I said, we...we...we play all over.

You'll have to come and watch us sometime.

Yeah. Hey, I thought you didn't fraternise with your staff?

Well, seeing as it's you, I'll make an exception.

-I'm really going to miss this.

-Gridlock?

No. Car sharing.

I've really enjoyed it.

Yeah. So have I.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

I won't miss this prick in front. Come on, I could walk faster!

I'm going to miss it.

We'll still see each other at work.

# Something's coming over me

# I'm so dizzy I can't see

# Can't make out the forest for the trees

# My heart is beating faster now

# As the traffic's slowing down

# Suddenly, I'm alone with you

# It's so good

# I'm better when you're at the wheel

# I can't believe the way I feel

# It's such a rush, just being with you

# We're driving in the rush hour

# Ooh, you send me

# We're driving in the rush hour

# Ooh, you send me...

# You got me, you got me, you got me

# Ooh, you send me...

# We're driving in the rush hour

# Ooh, you send me... #

-RADIO:

-Always and for ever. This is the station with the timeless hits.'

Right, here we are, the old homestead, one last time.

Yeah, back to the packing.

I could do without this.

-Here, I got you something.

-What? You've not?

I have got you a little present. Here you are. It's not much.

Thank you! John!

You mentioned the other week you liked it. We had it on special

and then we sold out. I managed to track one down in Preston.

Thank you. It's a novelty heart lamp!

-Yeah, you said you l...

-Thank you.

-Is it the right colour?

It's a perfect colour. It's red.

I love it. It'll brighten up my box bedroom.

-Yeah. It's not much.

-John...

-It's not much.

Well, I've got you something too.

Really?

Now, forgive the festive wrap, it's all I could find.

-Is it a CD, by any chance?

-Just open it.

What is it?

Hey! Now That's What I Call Music 48.

But that's your favourite album.

I know, but I've got two copies.

Our Keiron used to fiddle Britannia.

Yeah, we all did. Look at that.

-Do you like it?

-Yeah. I'll treasure it.

-I'm sure you will.

-I will.

-Right.

-OK, then.

It feels like I'm leaving the country.

I'll see you at work on Monday.

OK. Well, thank you.

-You're OK.

-For the lift...

-Yeah.

-..s.

Oh, yeah, you're all right. It's been an experience.

OK.

See you, then.

See you.

-See you, bye.

-See you.

-See you.

Got me lamp.

Thanks.

See you. Hope everything goes well tomorrow

and you get everything sorted.

I'll be fine, thank you. Have fun at your monster trucks.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. See you, then.

-See you, enjoy your CD.

-OK, bye-bye.

-Bye.

-RADIO:

-'...heading into Bolton.

It's happened at the junction near Victoria Road.

'Emergency services still at the scene,

'so you are advised to take an alternative route if you can.'

'And in Warrington town centre, the A57, there's a problem with

-'the road surface and cars are being diverted off the main road...

-'

"Track two is from me to you. You're a star.

"Love always, Kayleigh."

'No reports of any problems on the trams, trains or buses.

'And planes are pretty much back to normal now at Manchester

'and Liverpool. If you do see something, we are talking about...'

Load of shite.

# You've been saying I'm driving you crazy...#

Yes.

# And I haven't been around for you lately

# But I had a few things on my mind

# When I'm with you I am filled with emotion

# Can't you see that I'm giving you devotion

# And a love like this is hard to fight?

# I know I've been walking around in a daze

-# Baby, baby

-Baby, baby

# You've gotta believe me when I say

# Ooh-ooh! Wherever you go I'm gonna be there

# Whatever you do, you know I'm gonna be there

# It's pure and simple, hey-hey, I'll be there for you

-# Pure and simple, gonna be there!

-Pure and simple, gonna be there! #