Episode 1 Peter Kay's Car Share

This programme contains some strong language.

-# Whatever it takes

-I'm gonna be there

-# I swear it's true

-You know I'm gonna be there

-# It's pure and simple

-Uh-huh-huh

# I'll be there for you

# Pure and simple Gonna be there

# Wherever you go

# I'm gonna be there

# Whatever you do

# You know I'm gonna be there

# It's pure and simple

# Yeah, yeah, I'll be there for you

# Pure and simple Gonna be there

-# Whatever it takes

-I'm gonna be there

-# I swear it's true

-You know I'm gonna be there... #

PHONE RINGS

-Morning, hiya.

-Hi! Morning.

-What you up to?

-What YOU up to?

-I'm just driving in.

You're missed.

-Oh, yeah? Are you missing me?

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Oh! I'm walking.

All the way?

No, to the bus stop.

Oh, right. Is it far?

No, nearly there now.

I need the exercise anyway.

Keep doing this every morning and I'll soon get all my weight off.

What weight? There's nothing to you.

Hmm. I wish. You've not seen my muffin top.

-Seen your what?

-I ate a full pack of Maryland cookies last night.

It's easily done.

And too many Babybels.

I don't know what's the matter with me, John.

It's not even me lady time.

Yeah. I can't eat anything after sunset any more.

Lies too heavy on me.

I felt like I'd swallowed a brick. Then I couldn't sleep.

Indigestion?

No, Mandy's got thin curtains.

-She's got what?

-Thin curtains.

It lets all the light in. Does my head in.

-Do you not just shut your eyes?

-Well, I do.

But I secretly know it's still light.

I need to have it pitch-black, me, I'm like a mole.

Then I was awake for ages, sat up watching YouTube.

Oh, aye? What were you watching?

Kittens dancing and Carpool Karaoke.

Oh, that'll do it.

So much addictive shit.

Tell me about it! There is nothing but shit on YouTube and you sit up

for hours watching it.

Then I was watching your Chameleon.

Who?

You, your band.

Compendium.

Compendium, you and your mate.

# In the city

# Feel so fine here tonight. #

Yeah, then our Mandy's Steve was up at half-six,

revving his effing bikes. Woke up half the street.

Half-six?

Bit early for that carry-on.

I know. He's a right freakoid.

Then the kids were up, Misty was barking.

Then I had to queue for the bathroom, which has no lock.

I have to shower with my foot on the door handle.

My left leg's going to stink.

-SHE SIGHS

-I can't carry on like this, John.

It's driving me mental.

You've only been there two days.

I know, and I already feel like this.

No wonder I'm comfort eating.

Carry on like this, I'm going to be a right bag of doughnuts.

I'm so out of condition.

-Are you not there yet?

-Hang fire!

I'm in court shoes here, I'm not Zola Budd.

So...

So...

-Did you play it, then?

-Did I play what?

The CD I got you. Did you listen to track two?

Did you listen to the words?

Erm...the CD?

No, I've not had a chance yet.

Oh, right.

But I will do.

-Track two.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Track two. Yeah.

-Listen to the words.

Yeah, I will, all right.

Anyway...

how was your Monster Trucks at the weekend?

Noisy.

Ben and Sophie were terrified.

Frig-a-dig, how loud were the monsters?

"Monsters"?

The creatures, the puppets?

What you on about? What monsters?

-It's Monster Trucks.

-Oh.

I thought it was monsters IN trucks,

-like it was some telly programme they liked or something.

-No!

Have you never seen them big American four-by-fours,

with massive wheels?

So, what do they do?

Just drive round and bash into things.

And that's the show?

Well, you know, it's for kids, isn't it?

They'd all the favourites there.

They were all there - Afterburner, Grizzly, Nitro and Glycerine.

It was packed out. Timberwolf ended up on its side.

Got bloody disqualified.

It sounds like it's more for BIG kids.

Anyway, me bus is here now.

I'll speak to you later.

-OK, bye-bye, bye, bye, bye.

-Bye, bye, bye.

# ..and simple Yeah, yeah

# I'll be there for you

-# Pure and simple

-Gonna be there. #

HE EXHALES

MUSIC: Never Had A Dream Come True by S Club 7

What's this junk?

# Ooh... #

S Club 7, Never Had A Dream Come True.

Crap.

# Everybody's got something they had to leave behind

# One regret from yesterday

# That just seems to grow with time

# There's no use looking back or wondering

# Or wondering

# How it could be now or might have been

# Or might have been

# All this I know, but still I can't find ways to let you go

# I never had a dream come true

# Till the day that I found you

# Even though I pretend that I've moved on

# You'll always be my baby

# I never found the words to say

# You're the one I think about each day

# And I know no matter where life takes me to

# A part of me will always be with you

# Yeah. #

PHONE RINGS

Did you miss your bus?

..yeah, sometimes they move us around.

I've been at three different stores. I like where I am now.

-WOMAN:

-She's been over in Preston.

She's been there since...

-KAYLEIGH!

-Oh, is she?

Kayleigh, you've dialled me by accident!

She can't hear me.

Kayleigh!

-What do you work in?

-Promotions.

Head of promotions.

Yeah. Busy, busy.

I'm just getting me head round Christmas at the moment.

Christmas already? Oh!

-I know. I've got to get a Christmas team together.

-Right.

Oh-ho!

There's a whole new range coming out this year

that I've got to oversee.

-It's not just about hanging balls these days.

-Oh, no.

-Yeah, they picked me because I've got big vision.

-Yeah.

I don't normally get the bus in, I usually have a driver.

-Really?

-Cheeky bitch!

Oh, my God. What have I done?

Such a bullshitter.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello!

-Did I just call you?

-Yes, you did.

-Sorry, it must have rung in me bag.

Yeah.

Can you tell me, am I speaking to the lady in charge of

the Christmas promotions, by any chance?

You what?

Oh, yeah.

-Yeah, yes.

-Yes, you are.

How can I help you, Mr Redmond?

I'm just surprised you've got time to talk to me

with all that extra responsibility you've taken on.

Mm-hm. Yeah, well, you know how it is.

-Time's money and all that.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're such a balloon, you!

Speaking of balloons, I'll need 500 red and green

by Tuesday week, pronto.

"Tuesday week, pronto" - how does that work?

-Well, let's just make it work, shall we?

-Oh-ho!

-Can't get the staff.

-Ha! "Can't get the staff"?!

-Tell me about it.

-I

-can't get the bloody staff!

I'll also need 200 and odd tins of Quality Street.

-Do you think you can manage that?

-I'll do my best.

It's John. One of my minions.

I'll minion you.

I'll kick your bloody arse up and down Quality Street

-when I get hold of you, lady.

-Will you now?

You and whose army?

You're so going to get it, you.

Just remember who you're talking to.

Just remember who YOU'RE talking to!

I will do when it comes to t'staff appraisal, don't you worry.

Just pull your finger out your arse and crack on!

What?!

He's for the high jump.

'Forever FM, playing timeless hits now and forever.'

MUSIC: We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off by Jermaine Stewart

PHONE RINGS

-Hiya.

-Oh, hi.

What you up to?

Well, I've just been busy getting my finger out of my arse

-and cracking on. I nearly crashed twice.

-Oh, yeah, sorry about that.

I got a bit carried away.

Yeah, I know. I heard.

So, how have you been?

Yeah, I'm all right.

What was that?

I don't know. Hang on.

Can I help you, buddy?

Just having a breather.

Yeah, did you just bang on my roof?

I put my drink down.

Are you all right? Are you having some kind

-of a funny turn? What's up?

-No, I'm just having a drink.

-What's YOUR problem?

-Who is it, John?

-What's my problem?

It's a car, not a coaster. So, get it off!

All right! Someone got out of bed the wrong side this morning!

-John, who is it?

-Someone should have stayed in bed,

-by the looks of things. You're clearly knackered!

-You what?

Get it off my roof! You want to have a ride down Halfords,

-get yourself some stabilisers.

-Eh?

-Get your bottle off my roof!

-John?

John, who is it?

Just some chancer.

Chancer? Piss off.

-Come again?

-You heard!

Hey, watch the paintwork, all right!

I told you, I'm just having a minute.

-Oh, my God. What's happening?

-"A minute"?

-Well, on your bike.

-I AM on my bike.

Are you winding me up?

-I've told you, I'm just having a breather.

-"A breather"?

You won't be able to breathe when I open his door

-and knock you on your head.

-Are you threatening me?

-What do you reckon?

-Why are you being so aggressive?

Wh...wh...why am I being aggressive?

Are you deliberately thick?

What's all this about, eh?

Aggressive? I'll show you aggressive when I undo this belt.

-Oh, will you now?

-Yeah, I will. Yeah, yeah.

-You started it.

-Yeah, and I'll ...cking finish it.

-Yeah?

-I will.

-Get your bottle off my roof.

-Yeah?

-Just go, go.

-Yeah?

-Go!

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Just go and take a running jump.

CAR HORNS BEEP

That's it, drive off, arsehole!

-You're the arsehole, dickhead!

-You're the dickhead, you dickhead!

Did you hear that, eh?!

-Jesus wept!

-Oh, my God.

-What was all that about?

-I know!

Put his bloody bottle on my roof! World's gone mental.

-RADIO JINGLE:

-'We'll pick it up.

'Call Keith on 08081 570 075.

'Well, good news is, it's all pretty quiet out there the moment.

-'Not...'

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-Are you all right?

Have you calmed down now?

Just about. What an arsehole he was.

Oh, I hate road rage.

-Did you hear him?

-Yeah, anyway, forget it now.

-Are you all right?

-Mm.

I've got a bloody bad head.

-Where are you now?

-I'm on t'Metro now.

Bloody hell, you get about a bit. What's next, rickshaw?

-Who?

-Rickshaw?

Rick who?

It's not a man, it's a bike with a seat.

What? You broke up there, what did you say?

Not here, not me.

Four bars here, love.

-Hello?

-I said, I've got four bars here, I've got a full house.

It's you who's breaking up.

You what?

-BREAKING UP:

-Hello?

Are you there?

Hello?

Call failed.

SHE SIGHS

User busy.

'The person you're calling is unable to take...'

SHE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

Hello, finally!

-Finally!

-Christ, I've got a bad head NOW!

-You what?

-Hello?

CALL BREAKING UP

It's gone. And again.

SHE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS Bloody phones, do your head in.

I know. Tell me about it.

-SHE YAWNS

-I'm knackered.

It must be taking it out of me, all this travelling.

You've only been at it an hour.

-Is it a dear do?

-Is it a dear what?

Is it expensive, travelling?

It's not bad, actually. £14 for a weekly Ranger.

That's more than what you were giving me.

-I wasn't giving you anything.

-Exactly.

Hey, cheeky. I did always offer.

You said work paid for your petrol.

-Diesel.

-Diesel.

They do, I'm just winding you up, that's all.

Anyway, I got you those vouchers for the garden centre as a thank-you.

You did. I just need a garden now.

I've only got a window box.

-Have you used them yet?

-I have, as it happens.

I got myself a crinkle chip cutter and a couple of hanging baskets.

You're such an old woman.

So, why did you get yourself a chip cutter?

-Take a wild guess.

-You shouldn't be eating chips, John.

Why not?

I'm just thinking of your health, your cholesterol and that.

Jesus, I only have them once a month as a treat.

Look, I like chips. So, shoot me.

And proper old school chips and all, with the chip pan.

I know it's controversial in this day and age,

but get yourself a good five pound bag of Maris Pipers

and forget oven chips, stick them, get these lads parboiled.

The secret's in the double dunk. That's it.

And I use rapeseed oil as well, I'm not a lunatic.

Get them just right, nice and crispy.

I bet your mouth's watering already, eh?

It's only ten to nine.

Eh?

Kayleigh?

'king call failed. Honest to God.

RINGING TONE

-Yes?

-Hiya, have you missed me?

Haven't had the chance, you've rung me eight times.

You're funny. I'm shattered.

I don't how people do this every day. What a ball ache.

Is it busy?

Packed!

Oh, hold on. I don't know where I'm going now.

-Is it the one near the precinct?

-Yeah.

Right, well, come out, turn sharp right.

-My right or your right?

-Just right.

Right, OK. Right.

OK, just walk down the road.

Can you see The Bar on your left?

-Where?

-It says, "The Bar".

It's called The Bar.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Right, keep going past that, walk towards the junction.

Oh, it's like Treasure Hunt, this.

Stop the clock, Kenneth. I've found the clue.

-Yeah, keep walking.

-Yeah.

Right, you'll see a chemist.

-Is there a payphone?

-Yeah, seen it, got it.

Right, go right round the bend.

Can you see a white car parked up?

OMG, yes!

See a bloke waving?

Oh, it's you!

Jackpot. Fancy a lift?

Aw!

Come on. Your chariot awaits.

'..precious scrap metal. For all your scrap needs,

'whatever the weather.

'Forever FM weather.

'Well, it doesn't know what to do today, does it?'

Aw! What a lovely surprise!

You had me then. I thought, "How does he know all this?"

-I thought you'd gone all Darren Brown.

-Derren.

Come on. Clunk-click, every trip.

'..highs around 19 degrees.

'Forever FM weather.'

Well, I don't think I can get used to that.

'It might be dull metal to you, but it's shiny scrap to us.'

This is nice.

-Just like old times.

-'..570 075.'

Right, we're here.

'It's the Forever FM Golden Hour.

'All the hits from one year.

'But what year is it?

'Well, this is the year that Terminator 2: Judgment Day

'was packing people into cinemas across the UK and it was also

'Judgment Day for the Birmingham Six, as they were finally released

'from prison, just in time to see this group topping the charts.

'But who are they? And what was the year?'

1991, Enigma.

Remember those monks?

Speaking of enigmas, what's this lad up to?

MUSIC: Sadeness Part 1 by Enigma

Gardening now. What can't he do?

He can strim my bush any time he likes.

Where's his hard hat?

I can see it.

It's not on his head, that's for sure.

-So, busy day?

-Not bad.

I've got that big meeting with Alan Campbell about the Christmas team.

Well, if he's making the final decision,

I can kiss goodbye to Christmas.

He's not, I am.

I've just got to run it past him, is all.

Well, how's it your decision, then?

It's protocol, all right? Just leave it to Beaver.

-Well, don't forget about me.

-I...

Kayleigh Kitson, I'll remember you until the day I die.

Yeah, and that'll be this afternoon

if I don't get on your Christmas team.

Anyway, I thought you'd already be on it.

Seeing as you're now head of promotions.

-Oh, funny.

-How many tins of Quality Street

-did you want me to order for you?

-All right, leave it!

What were it, 2,000 tinsel?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Charlatan.

Quick, get in! You're going to get soaked! I'll drop you off.

No, no, no. I just meant Kayleigh.

Sorry.

Oh!

I nearly dropped a right bollock then.

-That's a bit tight, wasn't it?

-What are you talking about?

I meant you!

Christ, it's coming down now, isn't it?

God, it's filthy. Urgh!

Did you hear it before? I thought the roof was going to come in.

It has in Leigh. Oh, aye, they've closed the store.

Four grand's worth of fish underwater.

Do you think the Metro will still be running in this?

Oh, you don't want to be going on t'Metro.

-I'll drop you to your Mandy's.

-Oh, don't be daft.

It's chucking it down, no bother.

Oh, are you sure you don't mind?

I'm sure.

Oh, thanks.

It's supposed to be clearing up later.

No way. This is in for the night, this.

MUSIC: One Step Further by Bardo

# One step further and I would have been there... #

I love this!

# Can't seem to get your attention no matter how hard I try

# I just want you to prefer me to the other guys... #

I didn't know you knew it!

# So when you looked at me, you only turned away

# So I walked up beside you

# But I forgot all the things I had to say

# I don't know if I tried to

# I could have taken one step further and I would've been there

# You could've turned around and hit me and I wouldn't have cared

# All this time I didn't get anywhere

# I could've taken one step further and I would've been there. #

-IN JAMAICAN ACCENT:

-Beer can. That's really good.

-Beer can.

-Yeah, beer can.

-Jamaican.

-That's really good.

Have you got any others?

Try this one...

Kipper tie.

-Kipper tie.

-Kipper tie.

It sounds like "cup of tea" in a Birmingham accent.

Kipper tie. I'd like a nice kipper tie, please.

I'd like a nice kipper tie.

PHONE BEEPS

-Oh, did you go off as well, then?

-Yeah.

Oh, it's Cath Hilton.

-She's text you?

-Yeah, has she text you?

-It's a link on YouTube. What's this?

-Oh, let me see.

-I can't do it on mine.

-Hey-up.

Oh, it's you.

-'Well, on your bike.

-I am on my bike.'

What the...? 'Are you winding me up?'

'I've told you, I'm just having a breather.

'A breather? You won't be able to breathe

'when I open this door and knock you on your head.'

That's this morning! That's that cyclist!

-He must've been filming it.

-Oh, that's not fair.

'Being aggressive? Are you deliberately thick?

'Eh, what's all this about, eh?

'Aggressive? I'll show you aggressive when I undo this belt!

-'Oh, will you now?

-Yeah, I will, yeah.'

When was he...? 'And I'll ...cking finish it!

-'Yeah?

-I will.'

I can't believe this.

'Just go. Go, go!

-'Yeah?

-Yeah.

-'Yeah?

-Yeah, yeah. Just go and take a running jump! Yeah?

'Hey! Drive off, arsehole!

'You're the arsehole, dickhead!'

I can't believe that, that's out of order.

It's all right. No-one's seen it. Look, it's only had 300 views.

300 views?!

-That's more than Compendium's ever had.

-Who?

My band!

-Let me watch it again.

-Don't be watching it again.

301 views!

'Brillington College, where "brilliance" is almost our name.

-'Scalpel?

-Scalpel.

-'Clamp?

-Clamp.

'Catalogue?

'Catalogue.

'Hmm. This is more complicated than I thought.

'What is it, Doctor?

'Well, do I go for the wooden double door shed

'or the plastic single door shed?

'Both are a snip a £499.99 plus fitting from the Shed Surgery.

'At those kind of prices, you can't go wrong.'

-HEART MONITOR FLATLINES

-'Try telling that to him.'

Jesus wept.

'Don't get stitched up. Get a shed from the Shed Surgery.

'Visit theshedsurgery.co.uk today.'

# Whoo-hoo

# Yee-hoo

# Whoo-hoo

-# If I could escape

-Escape

# And recreate a place that's my own world

# My own world

# Then I could be your favourite girl

-# Forever, perfectly together. #

-I can't get over that.

He's made me look like a right bell end.

And he was the one who caused it.

'The big, big drive home, this is Forever FM.'

-PHONE MESSAGE BEEPS

-Oh.

Christ, now what? Who else has seen it?

Oh, it's Pamela from Non-Foods. It's another link.

-Where's your phone? Quick.

-Jesus Christ.

Look on yours.

TO THE TUNE OF Jump (For My Love) by Sister Sledge

What's all that?

'I'll knock you on your head.'

How's he done that?

Oh, no.

It is very clever.

"Clever"? That's outrageous.

Look at that. 8,000 views now.

I've gone bloody viral.

'..so, you'll just have to see what it spits out.'

'Forever FM, playing timeless hits now and forever.'

MUSIC: Sweet Little Mystery by Wet Wet Wet

Hey, how'd you get on with your Christmas team?

The meeting was cancelled.

Alan Campbell's wife went into labour three weeks early.

Huh. Any excuse.

-Straight on?

-Yeah, keep going.

It's up here on the right with the green gazebo.

Green gazebo?

Don't ask.

Oh, glory be, still out tinkering.

-Is that Steve?

-Mm.

Oh, God. Don't give him eye contact.

If you get him talking, you'll be here all night.

-I love an old bike.

-Oh, yeah?

Anyone I know?

-I'm in here.

-Oh, God's sake.

Hiya. Nice to meet you. I'm John. I work with Kayleigh.

How do? Steve, Mandy's fella.

Oh, aye? Hey, you've got your work cut out here, bud.

Oh, my work's never done, pal.

Yeah, my dad did up a few bikes. A Triumph and a Land Devil.

Oh, classic, the Land Devil.

Yeah, took him nigh on six years.

-Aye, mind you, thirsty girl.

-Oh, yeah.

Drink you under t'table, that bitch.

John!

What?

ENGINE REVS

-Do you see what I mean?

-Yeah.

-Still sings, though, doesn't she?

-Like a bird.

Yeah, I'll have a look in t'garage for my dad's old kit,

-see if he's got any bits bobbing about for you.

-Thanks, mate.

-No bother.

-Come on, I'm missing Corrie here.

Lovebirds.

Nice fella.

Oh, look, there's your Now CD. It's in your door.

Oh, yeah. So it is.

Did you read my note?

I might have done.

And did you play track two?

I might have done.

And?

And, uh...

-I'll pick you up for work in the morning.

-What?

You don't have to do that. It's miles out your way.

I know it is, but maybe some things are worth going out your way for.

Besides, I said I'd drop off some bike parts for Steve

from my dad's old kit.

Yeah, you're funny.

Yeah, I know.

Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

Yeah, me too. If not I'll just...

# Jump! On my bike. #

Funny, aren't you?

# And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might

# And I can't fight this feeling any more

# I've forgotten what I started fighting for

# And if I have to crawl upon the floor

# Come crashing through your door

# Baby, I can't fight this feeling any more

# Ooh. #