Episode 2 Peter Kay's Car Share

This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.

MUSIC: I Touch Myself by Divinyls

# I don't want anybody else

# When I think about you I touch myself

# Ooh, ohh, I don't want anybody else

# Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no

# I want you

# I don't want anybody else

# And when I think about ya

# I touch meself

# Ooh. #

HE LAUGHS

Harry Potter! What do you reckon?

Magic!

Whoa, yeah. Yeah, it is tight, that, you're right.

-As a nun's chuff.

-Ooh.

No WD knocking about?

Have you not brought your wand?

THEY CHUCKLE

Jesus!

HE LAUGHS

No, it's Hagrid.

-She wonders why she's single.

-Shut up, you.

-I can't believe you've talked me into this.

-You look fantastic.

I look ridiculous. I said I wanted to go as Madonna.

-That's funnier than Madonna.

-Oh, yeah, funny for who?

-It certainly made me laugh.

-You can eff off.

We gotta get a photo of this. Come here.

-Must we? Oh, let me pull me beard down a bit.

-No, keep it up.

Come on, I'll do a selfie.

-Say "Quidditch!"

-Quidditch.

-RADIO:

-'Forever FM in the evenings with Paul Banter.

'Loving the banter, Forever FM.'

Stop fiddling, you look fine.

I'm burning up, here.

-Is the air con on?

-It's on full.

I can't wear this all night.

-You can't take it off, can you?

-Why not?

Cos...you'll lose the full effect. Stop playing with it.

Just put it on.

How am I going to eat with this on?

I've got a full Chinese banquet to wade through yet.

Oh, aye, I forgot about that.

Six courses. I'm ready for that tonight.

I'm going to have hair in me kung po.

I'll tell you something - they know how to put a good spread on,

t'Chinese, don't they?

-What were it last year?

-Er, Indian tapas.

Oh, yeah. Weren't so clever, that.

-I went as Pocahontas.

-What did we have the year before that?

She didn't have a beard.

-It's itching me face!

-Just leave it alone.

Gastro pub. Stavros Flatley. Cracked me up, that.

Father and son, those two.

-Father and son.

-Will anyone actually know who I'm supposed to be?

Well, they will if you stick with Harry Potter.

I haven't even seen Harry Potter, John.

I might win the fancy dress, then you'll be laughing, won't you?

Don't like it when you go for something obvious.

Look at Joyce last year, she went as a chest of drawers.

Stapled some knickers to her busters.

Her busters?

Whatever the kids call them.

What do you call yours?

Cagney and Lacey.

-You call your breasts Cagney and Lacey?

-Yeah.

-Why?

I don't know, just always have.

Although I always preferred Cagney to Lacey.

Haven't I, Mary Beth?

# I'm a dreamer... #

It seems funny hearing the radio this time of night, don't it?

Never normally listen to it now. Much more dancey.

I like it.

I love this song, it reminds me of Brunel's in Rhyl.

Did you ever go raving?

-What do you reckon?

-No.

-SHE LAUGHS

MUSIC: Crazy Frog by Axel F

-Oh, this is shite!

-What?

Crazy Frog.

-Had a little willy.

-He did have a little willy, remember that.

-How rude!

-Yeah.

Crash helmet and cock out.

And his bike.

He didn't even have a bike. He were just in mid-air, weren't he?

Flying around. Little green penis. With his helmet on.

SHE LAUGHS

-RADIO:

-'Any exciting plans tonight, Jenny from Bolton?'

'Yeah, meeting a friend for a glass of wine, or maybe two.'

'Good work. Don't have too many, Jenny.

'Hello, Forever FM, who's this?'

-'It's Mark from Preston.'

-'You up to anything tonight, Mark?'

'Yeah, going out on the piss for me mate's birthday.'

'Can't be saying things like that. This is Forever FM.'

MUSIC: The Key, The Secret by Urban Cookie Collective

# I got the key to

# Another way

# I've got the key... #

HE YAWNS

-Think it's past Harry Potter's bedtime.

-Mm?

You, yawning your head off.

-Oh, shattered. Woke up again last night.

-Same time?

-Yeah, 1:21. That's three nights on t'bounce, that, now.

-Weird.

-I know. It's freaking me out.

-Why's that, then?

HE BURPS Lord knows. It's doing me head in.

Ended up watching telly for four hours.

Documentary about Lance Armstrong.

Him who went to the moon?

Jesus Christ, no.

I wonder what it is.

-What?

-Why you keep waking up at 1:21.

-I don't know.

It's doing me bloody head in.

Maybe it's the other side.

Ian and Margaret? No, they're in Buxton, they're on a retreat.

-I'm drawing the curtains for them.

-No, the spirit world.

Maybe they're trying to tell you something.

They pick their moments. I daren't ring anyone after nine.

Anyway, you don't believe in all that hocus pocus, do you?

He says, dressed as a wizard.

MUSIC: Milkshake by Kelis

Here we are.

Oh, look at George!

Don't he look better with ringlets?

Really suits him.

Oh, look at this cowboy.

He can ride me any time he likes.

Look at him, he can't help helping.

Least he's dressed for once.

# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard... #

You were saying?

That's bang out of order, that.

# I can teach you but I have to charge

# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard... #

-I'm ready for this free bar.

-What free bar?

We had a free bar last year.

-No, we didn't.

-Well, nobody stopped me.

You're off your arse.

I've not brought me purse.

Go on!

Hey, me crown's slipping!

You're damn right!

Oi! D'you mind? I've just had her waxed.

Give me a minute, I'm nearly done.

Ooh, look! It's Harry Potter.

Let the boy watch.

Hey, young Gareth, on your way.

-We'll be having bloody words in t'morning.

-Sorry, Mr Redmond.

Hey, hang on, where you going?

I'm half-cocked here!

Rabbits.

-John!

-What?

-Mr Redmond!

-John!

-What?

Can we give Elsie a lift home? Please?

See, what it is, Mr Redmond, there's no taxis, that's the Ramadan.

-She can't get home.

-Can't get home.

-What?

-It's on our way. Fine.

Where's your beard?

Tell him.

Had a little bit of an accident, truth be told.

I was a bit sick...

if truth be told, but I'm fine.

She threw up over it, she couldn't wear it.

Was better out than in, love.

-It went right down...

-Couldn't get her wee hand round the U.

..in the toilet.

Well, that's that, innit?

It's free.

-Free now, John.

-It's not free, it's my deposit up the river!

Hey, hey, hey!

It's only money!

You can't take it with you.

-There's no pockets in shrouds.

-All right.

There's no cash machines in heaven.

Is that the motor?

-Just love her.

-Where's she live?

# In a midnight sky

# Oh, oh

-BOTH:

-# Zoom

# You chased the day away

# High noon

-# The moon and stars... #

-RADIO OFF

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Party pooper!

-I was enjoying that!

Killjoy.

You've upset her.

Mm!

You've upset me.

We work our bollocks off all during the week.

The one night of the year when we party...

and you're pissing on our bonfire.

Come on, John, it's a party.

There, happy?

# Loving you... #

-Aww!

-Oh, I love this.

-Turn it up...

-# Because you're beautiful... #

Don't put you off your driving, sorry.

# Making love with you

# Is all I wanna do

# La-la-la-la-la

# La-la-la-la-la

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-ah-ah

# Doot-n-doo-doo-doo

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-# Ah-ah-ah-ah! #

-RADIO:

-'Ah, what a lovely message.

'We'll dedicate the next song to you guys.

'This is Forever FM with Phyllis Nelson.'

# Hey, baby

# You go your way... #

Here, Mr Redmond, can you turn that heat down?

I'm sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish shop.

Please.

Don't feel me up, you dirty pig!

LAUGHTER

# And our bodies... #

Here, Mr Redmond, can I spark up?

-No.

-No.

-Oh, come on, please, I'm gasping.

-Well, you'll have to get out.

-Why, we stopping?

-No.

-He's anti-smoking, Elsie.

Is she? Do I know her?

-Eh?

-What do you call your auntie? Does she work at our place?

-What you pappin' on about?

-She said your auntie was a smoker.

Oh, I could murder a cup of tea. Could you?

No tea for me, love, not at this hour of the night.

See, what it is, I'm a slave to the heartburn.

-Elsie?

-Mm?

-Me too. Me too.

-Brown toast with me.

-Oooh!

-And sour cream Pringles.

-I knew you were going to say that.

-I love 'em!

Very moreish, Elsie.

Like crack.

Oh, don't talk to me about sour cream Pringles, they're lethal.

Four hours I spent in the A&E on Boxing Day night

with my arm wedged into the tube.

Apparently I have very wide wrists.

Have you tried the Gaviscon?

What, for my wrists?

-For your heartburn.

-Oh, Gaviscon? Oh, no, thank you.

Last thing I want's a little fireman in my mouth.

-Then again...

-GIGGLING

Did you see Dave Thompson?

-Billy big bollocks.

-What was he thinking?

-Dressed as Mr T again.

-See he likes to limbo.

-Who?

-Dave Thompson, blurgh!

Wants to take it easy after what he's been through.

Triple bypass. He's had two stents put in since Jubilee.

-He's only 51. That's no age...

-No.

Have you heard about Trevor on the back door?

Kayleigh, sure I told you.

What's up with him?

They've given him till Christmas.

Loan sharks?

No. He's riddled. Absolutely riddled.

He didn't have a clue till he shaved his beard off.

That's awful.

Well, I hear you, but we all have our crosses to bear.

And I'm a slave to jogger's nipple.

Christ, how much jogging do you do?

I have never jogged a day in my life.

LAUGHTER

She's so funny!

-COUGHING:

-Where's me inhaler?

What about Rick and Donna?

That were a bit of a shock, weren't it?

-Getting engaged!

-I've known about that for months.

Big Dianne off non-foods told me but I never said nothing.

Very romantic.

-So lovely.

-I must admit, I was filling up, blubbing...

I'm such a big softie, aren't I?

-Tacky, though, weren't it?

-Ooh, rough as arseholes.

Imagine her proposing. That's a man's job.

You'd be mortified in front of all those people, wouldn't you?

And Rick looked like a right dick dressed as Mrs Brown. Anyway...

never mind them - what about yous two, huh?

-What's going on with you two?

-What do you mean?

-What?

-You know.

-No, I don't. What you on about?

You'll be next, the two of you.

You're not fooling me, you're not fooling no-one.

You can't kid a kidder. You're the talk of the store, the two of yous.

-What you on about?

-Why?

-Wouldn't you like to know?

-Yeah, I would.

I am saying nothing.

I might be many things but I am not a gossip.

Go on, what have you heard?

Well, we all know who you'll be picking for your Christmas team

this year, I'll put it that way.

-What do you mean by that?

-You can drop the act, the pair of yous.

Cos you're not fooling no-one.

I told you, you can't con a conner and you can't kid a kidder.

-She's talking shit.

-Why, what they been saying?

Well, you tell me, Kayleigh.

I've said too much already. Loose lips sinks ships.

So I am saying nothing. My lips is firmly sealed.

I wish.

Anyhoo, it's none of my business what you get up to with this...

this...um...

Well, he's no longer a boy but he's not yet a man, know what I mean?

He's a man...boy.

Uh-huh, a man boy.

A man-bo.

A mambo!

Mambo...

It's the quiet ones you have to watch, isn't it, Kayleigh?

-It is, it is.

-Know what I'm saying? Look at his wee face.

Look, he's morto! He's beaming away.

She's a scream.

She's a scream, isn't she, John?

She's a scream.

Well, as I say, I'm mental. I do not care!

She doesn't. She doesn't!

-Happen that's why you're on your third written warning.

-Oh...

-Are we nearly there yet, anyway?

-I'm saying nothing.

Yeah, well, you'd best say something when I run out of diesel.

SIREN WAILS

And I hear Joyce Chung

has an S-shaped vagina...

but that's her business.

I'm saying nothing. I'm not a gossip.

Are you done?

MUSIC: Perfect Moment by Martine McCutcheon

I'm just drip-drying.

# This is my moment... #

Give me a minute.

# This is my perfect moment... #

Oh, I need to go myself, now.

Oh, my dear God.

THUNDER RUMBLES

-RADIO:

-'Timeless songs, timeless love,

'late-night love songs - Forever FM.'

Which way now?

Straight on.

-What?

-Straight on!

Do you know where she lives?

I think she lives round...

MUSIC: Crazy For You by Madonna

HE CRUNCHES

-SHE SINGS ALONG:

-# Swaying room as the music starts

# Strangers making the most of the dark

# Two by two their bodies become one... #

# I see you through the smoky air

# Can't you feel the weight of my stare?

# You're so close but still a world away

# What I'm dying to say is that

# I'm crazy for you

# Touch me once and you'll know it's true

# I never wanted anyone like this

# It's all brand-new

# You'll feel it in my kiss

# You'll feel it in my kiss

# Because I'm crazy for you

# Touch me once and you'll know it's true

# I never wanted anyone like this

# It's all brand-new

# You'll feel it in my kiss

# I'm crazy for you

# Crazy for you

# Crazy for you

# It's all brand-new

# I'm crazy for you

# You know it's true

# I'm crazy... #

# Make dreams come true with Garden Tiles! #

Elsie, which way now? Left or right?

Straight on!

What, through the pub?

Oh, no. No, no, no, you've passed it.

Go back on yourself.

Make a U and then straight on.

I might as well drive straight to work, at this rate.

MUSIC: How 'Bout Us by Champaign

# No sense in draggin' on past our needs

# Let's don't keep it hangin' on... #

You should put me on your Christmas team this year, Mr Redmond.

I could be your Mrs Santa Claus.

SHE GIGGLES

(Mr Redmond, Kayleigh's asleep.)

# Some people can love one another for life

# How 'bout us? #

SHE LAUGHS

# Some people can hold it together... #

# I think we're alone now... #

SHE GIGGLES

# Can we? #

Aye, Mrs Santa Claus, sat down all day, that'd be the ticket.

You could come in my grotto...

25/7.

Think about it.

Think...about...it.

I'll... I'll think about it, all right?

Oh, anything to get me away from

standing in that fucking deli all day long.

My oul' knees are shot.

Here, when we get to the house,

you're going to have to walk me to my door.

Walk you to your door?

I just said to you, my knees are shot!

There's nobody else to help me since my Eddie left me in the shit.

He shacked up with his physio.

Massaging his stump, my brown eye...

And under my nose, too!

She's supposed to be helping him to walk, not walk out on me.

She's just after his benefits and his raspberry ripple badge,

the dirty Welsh whore!

You live and you learn.

You do that.

# How 'bout us? How about us, baby?

# How 'bout us?

# How 'bout us, baby? #

You live on your own, don't you?

What?

You live on your own.

Yeah, yeah, I do, yeah.

It's hard, isn't it?

Here, listen to me,

seriously,

if ever you want to go halfsies on a Pot Noodle,

you just let me know.

# How 'bout us, baby?

# Some people can hold it together... #

ENGINE RUMBLES

Right, we're here.

'Forever FM news...'

Finally.

I tell you, I'd have been quicker walking.

You're welcome.

Oh, bloody hell, there's my whole life all over the floor.

Here, is that my Nutri-Grain?

Just take it. Take the Nutri-Grain.

Right, Kayleigh, love, I will see you soon.

-Mm-hmm.

-We'll have to have a girls' night out, eh?

Def. That will be a right laugh.

Oh, they can do a lot of things, our kid,

but they cannot stop us laughing.

They can't.

They broke the mould when they made you, Elsie.

Didn't they, John?

They shut the factory.

Oh...

You hang onto this one.

He is a keeper.

I would ride him like I had stole him if I was you.

I am here. I can hear you.

Well, are you going to walk me up my path, Mr Lover-Lover?

GIGGLING

What do you...?

Laters.

-Elsie, your trophy.

-For God's sake...

Bless. Nighty-night.

Lock your doors. It's like the bloody Bronx round here.

I've just seen a pram on fire back there.

MUSIC: Baby I Love Your Way/Freebird by Will To Power

# Wanna tell you I love your... #

Here, hold that.

Where have you been?

Where have I been?

The bloody headcase is running a bath for me now.

I just walked out.

-WITH MOUTH FULL:

-She's a nightmare.

Nightmare? You said they broke the mould.

You wanted to give her a lift home.

I thought she'd never stop talking, John.

I know. "I'm saying nothing,"

and then she never shut her bloody mouth.

Well, she's a right nosy cow -

just wants to know everyone's business.

Eh? What about Joyce Chung's vagina?

I'm saying nothing.

MUSIC: A Groovy Kind Of Love by Phil Collins

# When I'm feeling blue

# All I have to do

# Is take a look at you

# Then I'm not so blue

# When I'm in your arms

# Nothing seems to matter... #

Here you are - home, sweet home.

-Oh, quick, put your foot down. Keep going.

-Why?

Cos he's still up and about with his bike.

Does the man not sleep?

He'd sleep out here if he could.

Just, quick, drive past. Quick, go down there.

Let's have a minute.

Have a minute?

We've had five hours.

# We've got a groovy kind of love... #

Are you all right?

I'm fine. I'm fine. Fine.

I was just checking the...

So...

Mm-hmm.

Apparently, we're the talk of the shop.

Aye.

According to Elsie, the woman who says nothing...

Mmm.

I'll believe that when I see it.

'Late-night love songs...'

-We've got tongues wagging, John.

-'..Forever FM. (Forever FM.)'

# Feels like... #

Don't you love this song?

-Donna Lewis, '95...

-Listen to the words.

MUSIC: I Love You Always Forever by Donna Lewis

-# Of light mists

-And rain is

-# Of pale amber rose

-Pale afternoons

# Feels like

# I'm lost in a deep cloud...

# Of heavenly smell

# Touching, discovering you... #

Are you laughing?

You're drunk.

-I'm not drunk.

-You're so drunk.

I'm not drunk!

You're not drunk? You're leathered.

-I am a bit.

-You are.

A little bit drunk.

-You're leathered.

-A little bit tiddly.

-Steaming!

-KAYLEIGH LAUGHS

-Nice-drunk.

-Mm-hmm.

-Fluffy.

I'm fluffy-drunk.

Funny. I don't know about fluffy, but you're funny-drunk.

-Am I?

-Yeah.

Do I make you laugh?

Yeah, you do, very much.

Do I make you happy?

Yeah.

Yeah, you do, very much.

-# I don't want a lot for Christmas... #

-Oh!

Who's that? What? Mariah Carey?

No. It's Elsie.

Oh, no. Oh, no, don't answer it. Bloody hell, don't answer it.

-Ignore it. Ignore her.

-Should I?

Yes, ignore her. Trust me, ignore her.

-No, no, no, no, no.

-Oh, no.

-John, John, John, John...

Hiya. Are you all right?

What's the matter?

Are you all right, Elsie? You sound...

She left her inhaler.

Has she left her inhaler?

I don't know. I don't know!

-Oh, no...

-Hold on a minute.

Oh, yeah, you have, Elsie. It's here on the floor.

-I've got it.

-Bloody hell.

Wh-what? Don't worry, John will give it you.

Tell her I'll bring it in to work in four hours.

Bring it in to work in four...

She says she wants it now.

Christ. We'll be in work in three hours, can she not wait?

She sounds in a bad way. She can't breathe.

Good.

I'm...

I'm on my way, tell her.

He's on his way, Elsie. Sit tight, love. Yeah.

Yeah, he'll be with you in a bit. OK. I'll tell him.

She said ta very much, and you've still got her fork.

MUSIC: Oh Patti by Scritti Politti

All right?

-You'd best go.

-Mmm.

John to the rescue.

My hero.

John the bloody mug, more like.

Well, I'll see you in the morning.

The morning?

I'll pick you up in two hours.

ENGINE RUMBLES

# Don't lead the life that I left you with

# Listen to the cars call in the rain

# I got so tired of concluding

# That there's nothing for us to conclude

# Oh, Patti, don't look for certainty in your life

# I've gone where a lost cause can be found

# And don't feel sorry for lover boy

# You know, he wants the world to love him

# Then he goes and spoils it all

# Don't feel sorry for lover boy

# He wants the world to love him

# Then he goes and spoils it all for love. #