Episode 2 Peter Kay's Car Share


Episode 2

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This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.

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MUSIC: I Touch Myself by Divinyls

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# I don't want anybody else

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# When I think about you I touch myself

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# Ooh, ohh, I don't want anybody else

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# Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no

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# I want you

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# I don't want anybody else

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# And when I think about ya

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# I touch meself

0:00:320:00:34

# Ooh. #

0:00:340:00:36

HE LAUGHS

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Harry Potter! What do you reckon?

0:00:460:00:49

Magic!

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Whoa, yeah. Yeah, it is tight, that, you're right.

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-As a nun's chuff.

-Ooh.

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No WD knocking about?

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Have you not brought your wand?

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THEY CHUCKLE

0:01:060:01:08

Jesus!

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HE LAUGHS

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No, it's Hagrid.

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-She wonders why she's single.

-Shut up, you.

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-I can't believe you've talked me into this.

-You look fantastic.

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I look ridiculous. I said I wanted to go as Madonna.

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-That's funnier than Madonna.

-Oh, yeah, funny for who?

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-It certainly made me laugh.

-You can eff off.

0:01:290:01:31

We gotta get a photo of this. Come here.

0:01:310:01:33

-Must we? Oh, let me pull me beard down a bit.

-No, keep it up.

0:01:330:01:37

Come on, I'll do a selfie.

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-Say "Quidditch!"

-Quidditch.

0:01:390:01:43

-RADIO:

-'Forever FM in the evenings with Paul Banter.

0:01:430:01:46

'Loving the banter, Forever FM.'

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Stop fiddling, you look fine.

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I'm burning up, here.

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-Is the air con on?

-It's on full.

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I can't wear this all night.

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-You can't take it off, can you?

-Why not?

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Cos...you'll lose the full effect. Stop playing with it.

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Just put it on.

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How am I going to eat with this on?

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I've got a full Chinese banquet to wade through yet.

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Oh, aye, I forgot about that.

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Six courses. I'm ready for that tonight.

0:02:150:02:18

I'm going to have hair in me kung po.

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I'll tell you something - they know how to put a good spread on,

0:02:220:02:25

t'Chinese, don't they?

0:02:250:02:26

-What were it last year?

-Er, Indian tapas.

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Oh, yeah. Weren't so clever, that.

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-I went as Pocahontas.

-What did we have the year before that?

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She didn't have a beard.

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-It's itching me face!

-Just leave it alone.

0:02:380:02:41

Gastro pub. Stavros Flatley. Cracked me up, that.

0:02:410:02:46

Father and son, those two.

0:02:460:02:48

-Father and son.

-Will anyone actually know who I'm supposed to be?

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Well, they will if you stick with Harry Potter.

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I haven't even seen Harry Potter, John.

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I might win the fancy dress, then you'll be laughing, won't you?

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Don't like it when you go for something obvious.

0:02:590:03:01

Look at Joyce last year, she went as a chest of drawers.

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Stapled some knickers to her busters.

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Her busters?

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Whatever the kids call them.

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What do you call yours?

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Cagney and Lacey.

0:03:130:03:15

-You call your breasts Cagney and Lacey?

-Yeah.

-Why?

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I don't know, just always have.

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Although I always preferred Cagney to Lacey.

0:03:230:03:26

Haven't I, Mary Beth?

0:03:260:03:28

# I'm a dreamer... #

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It seems funny hearing the radio this time of night, don't it?

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Never normally listen to it now. Much more dancey.

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I like it.

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I love this song, it reminds me of Brunel's in Rhyl.

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Did you ever go raving?

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-What do you reckon?

-No.

-SHE LAUGHS

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MUSIC: Crazy Frog by Axel F

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-Oh, this is shite!

-What?

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Crazy Frog.

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-Had a little willy.

-He did have a little willy, remember that.

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-How rude!

-Yeah.

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Crash helmet and cock out.

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And his bike.

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He didn't even have a bike. He were just in mid-air, weren't he?

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Flying around. Little green penis. With his helmet on.

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SHE LAUGHS

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-RADIO:

-'Any exciting plans tonight, Jenny from Bolton?'

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'Yeah, meeting a friend for a glass of wine, or maybe two.'

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'Good work. Don't have too many, Jenny.

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'Hello, Forever FM, who's this?'

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-'It's Mark from Preston.'

-'You up to anything tonight, Mark?'

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'Yeah, going out on the piss for me mate's birthday.'

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'Can't be saying things like that. This is Forever FM.'

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MUSIC: The Key, The Secret by Urban Cookie Collective

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# I got the key to

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# Another way

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# I've got the key... #

0:04:430:04:44

HE YAWNS

0:04:440:04:47

-Think it's past Harry Potter's bedtime.

-Mm?

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You, yawning your head off.

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-Oh, shattered. Woke up again last night.

-Same time?

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-Yeah, 1:21. That's three nights on t'bounce, that, now.

-Weird.

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-I know. It's freaking me out.

-Why's that, then?

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HE BURPS Lord knows. It's doing me head in.

0:05:020:05:05

Ended up watching telly for four hours.

0:05:050:05:08

Documentary about Lance Armstrong.

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Him who went to the moon?

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Jesus Christ, no.

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I wonder what it is.

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-What?

-Why you keep waking up at 1:21.

-I don't know.

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It's doing me bloody head in.

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Maybe it's the other side.

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Ian and Margaret? No, they're in Buxton, they're on a retreat.

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-I'm drawing the curtains for them.

-No, the spirit world.

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Maybe they're trying to tell you something.

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They pick their moments. I daren't ring anyone after nine.

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Anyway, you don't believe in all that hocus pocus, do you?

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He says, dressed as a wizard.

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MUSIC: Milkshake by Kelis

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Here we are.

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Oh, look at George!

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Don't he look better with ringlets?

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Really suits him.

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Oh, look at this cowboy.

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He can ride me any time he likes.

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Look at him, he can't help helping.

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Least he's dressed for once.

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# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard... #

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You were saying?

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That's bang out of order, that.

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# I can teach you but I have to charge

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# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard... #

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-I'm ready for this free bar.

-What free bar?

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We had a free bar last year.

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-No, we didn't.

-Well, nobody stopped me.

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You're off your arse.

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I've not brought me purse.

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Go on!

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Hey, me crown's slipping!

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You're damn right!

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Oi! D'you mind? I've just had her waxed.

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Give me a minute, I'm nearly done.

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Ooh, look! It's Harry Potter.

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Let the boy watch.

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Hey, young Gareth, on your way.

0:07:120:07:14

-We'll be having bloody words in t'morning.

-Sorry, Mr Redmond.

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Hey, hang on, where you going?

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I'm half-cocked here!

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Rabbits.

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-John!

-What?

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-Mr Redmond!

-John!

-What?

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Can we give Elsie a lift home? Please?

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See, what it is, Mr Redmond, there's no taxis, that's the Ramadan.

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-She can't get home.

-Can't get home.

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-What?

-It's on our way. Fine.

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Where's your beard?

0:07:430:07:45

Tell him.

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Had a little bit of an accident, truth be told.

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I was a bit sick...

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if truth be told, but I'm fine.

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She threw up over it, she couldn't wear it.

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Was better out than in, love.

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-It went right down...

-Couldn't get her wee hand round the U.

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..in the toilet.

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Well, that's that, innit?

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It's free.

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-Free now, John.

-It's not free, it's my deposit up the river!

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Hey, hey, hey!

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It's only money!

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You can't take it with you.

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-There's no pockets in shrouds.

-All right.

0:08:180:08:20

There's no cash machines in heaven.

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Is that the motor?

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-Just love her.

-Where's she live?

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# In a midnight sky

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# Oh, oh

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-BOTH:

-# Zoom

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# You chased the day away

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# High noon

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-# The moon and stars... #

-RADIO OFF

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-Oh!

-Oh!

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-Party pooper!

-I was enjoying that!

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Killjoy.

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You've upset her.

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Mm!

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You've upset me.

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We work our bollocks off all during the week.

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The one night of the year when we party...

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and you're pissing on our bonfire.

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Come on, John, it's a party.

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There, happy?

0:09:210:09:23

# Loving you... #

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-Aww!

-Oh, I love this.

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-Turn it up...

-# Because you're beautiful... #

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Don't put you off your driving, sorry.

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# Making love with you

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# Is all I wanna do

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# La-la-la-la-la

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# La-la-la-la-la

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# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-ah-ah

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# Doot-n-doo-doo-doo

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-HIGH-PITCHED:

-# Ah-ah-ah-ah! #

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-RADIO:

-'Ah, what a lovely message.

0:10:000:10:02

'We'll dedicate the next song to you guys.

0:10:020:10:04

'This is Forever FM with Phyllis Nelson.'

0:10:040:10:07

# Hey, baby

0:10:070:10:09

# You go your way... #

0:10:090:10:11

Here, Mr Redmond, can you turn that heat down?

0:10:110:10:14

I'm sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish shop.

0:10:140:10:17

Please.

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Don't feel me up, you dirty pig!

0:10:210:10:23

LAUGHTER

0:10:230:10:25

# And our bodies... #

0:10:320:10:36

Here, Mr Redmond, can I spark up?

0:10:360:10:39

-No.

-No.

-Oh, come on, please, I'm gasping.

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-Well, you'll have to get out.

-Why, we stopping?

0:10:420:10:45

-No.

-He's anti-smoking, Elsie.

0:10:450:10:48

Is she? Do I know her?

0:10:480:10:50

-Eh?

-What do you call your auntie? Does she work at our place?

0:10:500:10:55

-What you pappin' on about?

-She said your auntie was a smoker.

0:10:550:11:00

Oh, I could murder a cup of tea. Could you?

0:11:040:11:07

No tea for me, love, not at this hour of the night.

0:11:070:11:09

See, what it is, I'm a slave to the heartburn.

0:11:090:11:12

-Elsie?

-Mm?

-Me too. Me too.

0:11:120:11:15

-Brown toast with me.

-Oooh!

0:11:150:11:18

-And sour cream Pringles.

-I knew you were going to say that.

-I love 'em!

0:11:180:11:23

Very moreish, Elsie.

0:11:230:11:25

Like crack.

0:11:250:11:27

Oh, don't talk to me about sour cream Pringles, they're lethal.

0:11:270:11:31

Four hours I spent in the A&E on Boxing Day night

0:11:310:11:35

with my arm wedged into the tube.

0:11:350:11:38

Apparently I have very wide wrists.

0:11:380:11:40

Have you tried the Gaviscon?

0:11:400:11:42

What, for my wrists?

0:11:420:11:44

-For your heartburn.

-Oh, Gaviscon? Oh, no, thank you.

0:11:440:11:48

Last thing I want's a little fireman in my mouth.

0:11:480:11:51

-Then again...

-GIGGLING

0:11:510:11:54

Did you see Dave Thompson?

0:12:000:12:02

-Billy big bollocks.

-What was he thinking?

0:12:020:12:05

-Dressed as Mr T again.

-See he likes to limbo.

0:12:050:12:09

-Who?

-Dave Thompson, blurgh!

0:12:090:12:11

Wants to take it easy after what he's been through.

0:12:110:12:14

Triple bypass. He's had two stents put in since Jubilee.

0:12:140:12:18

-He's only 51. That's no age...

-No.

0:12:180:12:22

Have you heard about Trevor on the back door?

0:12:220:12:24

Kayleigh, sure I told you.

0:12:240:12:26

What's up with him?

0:12:260:12:28

They've given him till Christmas.

0:12:280:12:31

Loan sharks?

0:12:310:12:33

No. He's riddled. Absolutely riddled.

0:12:330:12:36

He didn't have a clue till he shaved his beard off.

0:12:360:12:39

That's awful.

0:12:390:12:41

Well, I hear you, but we all have our crosses to bear.

0:12:410:12:44

And I'm a slave to jogger's nipple.

0:12:440:12:47

Christ, how much jogging do you do?

0:12:470:12:50

I have never jogged a day in my life.

0:12:500:12:52

LAUGHTER

0:12:520:12:57

She's so funny!

0:12:570:12:58

-COUGHING:

-Where's me inhaler?

0:13:000:13:03

What about Rick and Donna?

0:13:100:13:13

That were a bit of a shock, weren't it?

0:13:130:13:15

-Getting engaged!

-I've known about that for months.

0:13:150:13:19

Big Dianne off non-foods told me but I never said nothing.

0:13:190:13:23

Very romantic.

0:13:230:13:25

-So lovely.

-I must admit, I was filling up, blubbing...

0:13:250:13:29

I'm such a big softie, aren't I?

0:13:290:13:31

-Tacky, though, weren't it?

-Ooh, rough as arseholes.

0:13:340:13:38

Imagine her proposing. That's a man's job.

0:13:380:13:41

You'd be mortified in front of all those people, wouldn't you?

0:13:410:13:45

And Rick looked like a right dick dressed as Mrs Brown. Anyway...

0:13:450:13:49

never mind them - what about yous two, huh?

0:13:490:13:52

-What's going on with you two?

-What do you mean?

-What?

0:13:520:13:55

-You know.

-No, I don't. What you on about?

0:13:550:13:58

You'll be next, the two of you.

0:13:580:14:00

You're not fooling me, you're not fooling no-one.

0:14:000:14:02

You can't kid a kidder. You're the talk of the store, the two of yous.

0:14:020:14:06

-What you on about?

-Why?

0:14:060:14:08

-Wouldn't you like to know?

-Yeah, I would.

0:14:080:14:11

I am saying nothing.

0:14:110:14:14

I might be many things but I am not a gossip.

0:14:140:14:17

Go on, what have you heard?

0:14:170:14:19

Well, we all know who you'll be picking for your Christmas team

0:14:190:14:21

this year, I'll put it that way.

0:14:210:14:23

-What do you mean by that?

-You can drop the act, the pair of yous.

0:14:230:14:26

Cos you're not fooling no-one.

0:14:260:14:28

I told you, you can't con a conner and you can't kid a kidder.

0:14:280:14:32

-She's talking shit.

-Why, what they been saying?

0:14:320:14:35

Well, you tell me, Kayleigh.

0:14:350:14:37

I've said too much already. Loose lips sinks ships.

0:14:370:14:42

So I am saying nothing. My lips is firmly sealed.

0:14:420:14:47

I wish.

0:14:470:14:48

Anyhoo, it's none of my business what you get up to with this...

0:14:480:14:53

this...um...

0:14:530:14:55

Well, he's no longer a boy but he's not yet a man, know what I mean?

0:14:550:14:59

He's a man...boy.

0:14:590:15:01

Uh-huh, a man boy.

0:15:010:15:03

A man-bo.

0:15:030:15:04

A mambo!

0:15:040:15:05

Mambo...

0:15:050:15:08

It's the quiet ones you have to watch, isn't it, Kayleigh?

0:15:080:15:10

-It is, it is.

-Know what I'm saying? Look at his wee face.

0:15:100:15:12

Look, he's morto! He's beaming away.

0:15:120:15:14

She's a scream.

0:15:160:15:18

She's a scream, isn't she, John?

0:15:180:15:20

She's a scream.

0:15:200:15:21

Well, as I say, I'm mental. I do not care!

0:15:210:15:24

She doesn't. She doesn't!

0:15:240:15:26

-Happen that's why you're on your third written warning.

-Oh...

0:15:260:15:30

-Are we nearly there yet, anyway?

-I'm saying nothing.

0:15:300:15:33

Yeah, well, you'd best say something when I run out of diesel.

0:15:330:15:36

SIREN WAILS

0:15:430:15:45

And I hear Joyce Chung

0:15:460:15:49

has an S-shaped vagina...

0:15:490:15:52

but that's her business.

0:15:520:15:54

I'm saying nothing. I'm not a gossip.

0:15:540:15:57

Are you done?

0:15:570:15:58

MUSIC: Perfect Moment by Martine McCutcheon

0:15:580:16:00

I'm just drip-drying.

0:16:000:16:02

# This is my moment... #

0:16:020:16:04

Give me a minute.

0:16:040:16:05

# This is my perfect moment... #

0:16:050:16:07

Oh, I need to go myself, now.

0:16:070:16:10

Oh, my dear God.

0:16:100:16:11

THUNDER RUMBLES

0:16:120:16:14

-RADIO:

-'Timeless songs, timeless love,

0:16:140:16:17

'late-night love songs - Forever FM.'

0:16:170:16:21

Which way now?

0:16:210:16:22

Straight on.

0:16:220:16:23

-What?

-Straight on!

0:16:230:16:25

Do you know where she lives?

0:16:250:16:27

I think she lives round...

0:16:270:16:29

MUSIC: Crazy For You by Madonna

0:16:290:16:32

HE CRUNCHES

0:16:320:16:34

-SHE SINGS ALONG:

-# Swaying room as the music starts

0:16:350:16:40

# Strangers making the most of the dark

0:16:400:16:45

# Two by two their bodies become one... #

0:16:450:16:52

# I see you through the smoky air

0:16:550:17:00

# Can't you feel the weight of my stare?

0:17:000:17:05

# You're so close but still a world away

0:17:050:17:11

# What I'm dying to say is that

0:17:110:17:14

# I'm crazy for you

0:17:140:17:18

# Touch me once and you'll know it's true

0:17:180:17:22

# I never wanted anyone like this

0:17:220:17:27

# It's all brand-new

0:17:270:17:29

# You'll feel it in my kiss

0:17:290:17:32

# You'll feel it in my kiss

0:17:320:17:34

# Because I'm crazy for you

0:17:340:17:38

# Touch me once and you'll know it's true

0:17:380:17:43

# I never wanted anyone like this

0:17:430:17:47

# It's all brand-new

0:17:470:17:49

# You'll feel it in my kiss

0:17:490:17:53

# I'm crazy for you

0:17:530:17:58

# Crazy for you

0:17:580:18:02

# Crazy for you

0:18:040:18:06

# It's all brand-new

0:18:110:18:14

# I'm crazy for you

0:18:140:18:16

# You know it's true

0:18:160:18:18

# I'm crazy... #

0:18:180:18:20

# Make dreams come true with Garden Tiles! #

0:18:200:18:24

Elsie, which way now? Left or right?

0:18:250:18:28

Straight on!

0:18:280:18:30

What, through the pub?

0:18:300:18:32

Oh, no. No, no, no, you've passed it.

0:18:320:18:35

Go back on yourself.

0:18:350:18:36

Make a U and then straight on.

0:18:360:18:40

I might as well drive straight to work, at this rate.

0:18:400:18:42

MUSIC: How 'Bout Us by Champaign

0:18:420:18:45

# No sense in draggin' on past our needs

0:18:450:18:51

# Let's don't keep it hangin' on... #

0:18:510:18:55

You should put me on your Christmas team this year, Mr Redmond.

0:18:550:18:59

I could be your Mrs Santa Claus.

0:18:590:19:02

SHE GIGGLES

0:19:020:19:04

(Mr Redmond, Kayleigh's asleep.)

0:19:070:19:11

# Some people can love one another for life

0:19:110:19:16

# How 'bout us? #

0:19:160:19:18

SHE LAUGHS

0:19:180:19:20

# Some people can hold it together... #

0:19:200:19:23

# I think we're alone now... #

0:19:230:19:25

SHE GIGGLES

0:19:270:19:29

# Can we? #

0:19:290:19:31

Aye, Mrs Santa Claus, sat down all day, that'd be the ticket.

0:19:310:19:38

You could come in my grotto...

0:19:380:19:41

25/7.

0:19:410:19:43

Think about it.

0:19:440:19:46

Think...about...it.

0:19:470:19:49

I'll... I'll think about it, all right?

0:19:490:19:52

Oh, anything to get me away from

0:19:520:19:54

standing in that fucking deli all day long.

0:19:540:19:57

My oul' knees are shot.

0:19:570:20:00

Here, when we get to the house,

0:20:000:20:01

you're going to have to walk me to my door.

0:20:010:20:04

Walk you to your door?

0:20:040:20:05

I just said to you, my knees are shot!

0:20:050:20:07

There's nobody else to help me since my Eddie left me in the shit.

0:20:070:20:13

He shacked up with his physio.

0:20:130:20:15

Massaging his stump, my brown eye...

0:20:150:20:18

And under my nose, too!

0:20:180:20:20

She's supposed to be helping him to walk, not walk out on me.

0:20:200:20:23

She's just after his benefits and his raspberry ripple badge,

0:20:250:20:28

the dirty Welsh whore!

0:20:280:20:30

You live and you learn.

0:20:330:20:35

You do that.

0:20:360:20:37

# How 'bout us? How about us, baby?

0:20:370:20:40

# How 'bout us?

0:20:400:20:41

# How 'bout us, baby? #

0:20:410:20:43

You live on your own, don't you?

0:20:430:20:46

What?

0:20:460:20:48

You live on your own.

0:20:480:20:49

Yeah, yeah, I do, yeah.

0:20:510:20:53

It's hard, isn't it?

0:20:530:20:55

Here, listen to me,

0:20:570:21:00

seriously,

0:21:000:21:03

if ever you want to go halfsies on a Pot Noodle,

0:21:030:21:07

you just let me know.

0:21:070:21:08

# How 'bout us, baby?

0:21:110:21:13

# Some people can hold it together... #

0:21:130:21:16

ENGINE RUMBLES

0:21:160:21:18

Right, we're here.

0:21:200:21:23

'Forever FM news...'

0:21:230:21:24

Finally.

0:21:240:21:26

I tell you, I'd have been quicker walking.

0:21:260:21:28

You're welcome.

0:21:280:21:30

Oh, bloody hell, there's my whole life all over the floor.

0:21:300:21:35

Here, is that my Nutri-Grain?

0:21:350:21:37

Just take it. Take the Nutri-Grain.

0:21:370:21:40

Right, Kayleigh, love, I will see you soon.

0:21:400:21:43

-Mm-hmm.

-We'll have to have a girls' night out, eh?

0:21:430:21:45

Def. That will be a right laugh.

0:21:450:21:46

Oh, they can do a lot of things, our kid,

0:21:460:21:49

but they cannot stop us laughing.

0:21:490:21:51

They can't.

0:21:510:21:52

They broke the mould when they made you, Elsie.

0:21:520:21:54

Didn't they, John?

0:21:540:21:55

They shut the factory.

0:21:550:21:57

Oh...

0:21:570:21:59

You hang onto this one.

0:21:590:22:01

He is a keeper.

0:22:010:22:03

I would ride him like I had stole him if I was you.

0:22:030:22:06

I am here. I can hear you.

0:22:060:22:08

Well, are you going to walk me up my path, Mr Lover-Lover?

0:22:080:22:11

GIGGLING

0:22:110:22:13

What do you...?

0:22:130:22:14

Laters.

0:22:140:22:17

-Elsie, your trophy.

-For God's sake...

0:22:170:22:19

Bless. Nighty-night.

0:22:190:22:23

Lock your doors. It's like the bloody Bronx round here.

0:22:230:22:25

I've just seen a pram on fire back there.

0:22:250:22:28

MUSIC: Baby I Love Your Way/Freebird by Will To Power

0:22:280:22:32

# Wanna tell you I love your... #

0:22:320:22:33

Here, hold that.

0:22:470:22:48

Where have you been?

0:22:480:22:50

Where have I been?

0:22:500:22:51

The bloody headcase is running a bath for me now.

0:22:510:22:54

I just walked out.

0:22:540:22:55

-WITH MOUTH FULL:

-She's a nightmare.

0:22:550:22:57

Nightmare? You said they broke the mould.

0:22:570:22:59

You wanted to give her a lift home.

0:22:590:23:01

I thought she'd never stop talking, John.

0:23:010:23:03

I know. "I'm saying nothing,"

0:23:030:23:05

and then she never shut her bloody mouth.

0:23:050:23:07

Well, she's a right nosy cow -

0:23:070:23:09

just wants to know everyone's business.

0:23:090:23:11

Eh? What about Joyce Chung's vagina?

0:23:140:23:17

I'm saying nothing.

0:23:170:23:19

MUSIC: A Groovy Kind Of Love by Phil Collins

0:23:190:23:22

# When I'm feeling blue

0:23:320:23:35

# All I have to do

0:23:350:23:38

# Is take a look at you

0:23:380:23:42

# Then I'm not so blue

0:23:420:23:45

# When I'm in your arms

0:23:450:23:49

# Nothing seems to matter... #

0:23:490:23:52

Here you are - home, sweet home.

0:23:530:23:55

-Oh, quick, put your foot down. Keep going.

-Why?

0:23:550:23:58

Cos he's still up and about with his bike.

0:23:580:24:01

Does the man not sleep?

0:24:010:24:03

He'd sleep out here if he could.

0:24:030:24:04

Just, quick, drive past. Quick, go down there.

0:24:040:24:08

Let's have a minute.

0:24:080:24:10

Have a minute?

0:24:100:24:11

We've had five hours.

0:24:110:24:12

# We've got a groovy kind of love... #

0:24:170:24:21

Are you all right?

0:24:240:24:26

I'm fine. I'm fine. Fine.

0:24:260:24:29

I was just checking the...

0:24:290:24:32

So...

0:24:340:24:36

Mm-hmm.

0:24:360:24:38

Apparently, we're the talk of the shop.

0:24:390:24:42

Aye.

0:24:420:24:43

According to Elsie, the woman who says nothing...

0:24:430:24:46

Mmm.

0:24:460:24:47

I'll believe that when I see it.

0:24:470:24:49

'Late-night love songs...'

0:24:490:24:50

-We've got tongues wagging, John.

-'..Forever FM. (Forever FM.)'

0:24:500:24:53

# Feels like... #

0:24:530:24:56

Don't you love this song?

0:24:560:24:58

-Donna Lewis, '95...

-Listen to the words.

0:24:580:25:00

MUSIC: I Love You Always Forever by Donna Lewis

0:25:000:25:03

-# Of light mists

-And rain is

0:25:030:25:06

-# Of pale amber rose

-Pale afternoons

0:25:060:25:09

# Feels like

0:25:110:25:14

# I'm lost in a deep cloud...

0:25:140:25:18

# Of heavenly smell

0:25:180:25:21

# Touching, discovering you... #

0:25:210:25:24

Are you laughing?

0:25:240:25:26

You're drunk.

0:25:260:25:28

-I'm not drunk.

-You're so drunk.

0:25:280:25:30

I'm not drunk!

0:25:300:25:31

You're not drunk? You're leathered.

0:25:310:25:34

-I am a bit.

-You are.

0:25:340:25:35

A little bit drunk.

0:25:350:25:36

-You're leathered.

-A little bit tiddly.

-Steaming!

0:25:360:25:39

-KAYLEIGH LAUGHS

-Nice-drunk.

0:25:390:25:41

-Mm-hmm.

-Fluffy.

0:25:410:25:42

I'm fluffy-drunk.

0:25:420:25:44

Funny. I don't know about fluffy, but you're funny-drunk.

0:25:440:25:47

-Am I?

-Yeah.

0:25:470:25:49

Do I make you laugh?

0:25:490:25:51

Yeah, you do, very much.

0:25:520:25:55

Do I make you happy?

0:25:570:26:00

Yeah.

0:26:000:26:02

Yeah, you do, very much.

0:26:020:26:04

-# I don't want a lot for Christmas... #

-Oh!

0:26:080:26:10

Who's that? What? Mariah Carey?

0:26:100:26:13

No. It's Elsie.

0:26:130:26:15

Oh, no. Oh, no, don't answer it. Bloody hell, don't answer it.

0:26:150:26:18

-Ignore it. Ignore her.

-Should I?

0:26:180:26:21

Yes, ignore her. Trust me, ignore her.

0:26:210:26:24

-No, no, no, no, no.

-Oh, no.

-John, John, John, John...

0:26:240:26:26

Hiya. Are you all right?

0:26:260:26:28

What's the matter?

0:26:300:26:32

Are you all right, Elsie? You sound...

0:26:320:26:34

She left her inhaler.

0:26:340:26:36

Has she left her inhaler?

0:26:360:26:38

I don't know. I don't know!

0:26:380:26:40

-Oh, no...

-Hold on a minute.

0:26:420:26:44

Oh, yeah, you have, Elsie. It's here on the floor.

0:26:440:26:47

-I've got it.

-Bloody hell.

0:26:470:26:49

Wh-what? Don't worry, John will give it you.

0:26:490:26:52

Tell her I'll bring it in to work in four hours.

0:26:520:26:55

Bring it in to work in four...

0:26:550:26:56

She says she wants it now.

0:26:560:26:58

Christ. We'll be in work in three hours, can she not wait?

0:26:580:27:01

She sounds in a bad way. She can't breathe.

0:27:010:27:04

Good.

0:27:040:27:05

I'm...

0:27:050:27:07

I'm on my way, tell her.

0:27:070:27:09

He's on his way, Elsie. Sit tight, love. Yeah.

0:27:090:27:13

Yeah, he'll be with you in a bit. OK. I'll tell him.

0:27:130:27:16

She said ta very much, and you've still got her fork.

0:27:160:27:20

MUSIC: Oh Patti by Scritti Politti

0:27:210:27:24

All right?

0:27:240:27:25

-You'd best go.

-Mmm.

0:27:250:27:27

John to the rescue.

0:27:270:27:30

My hero.

0:27:300:27:31

John the bloody mug, more like.

0:27:310:27:33

Well, I'll see you in the morning.

0:27:330:27:35

The morning?

0:27:350:27:36

I'll pick you up in two hours.

0:27:360:27:38

ENGINE RUMBLES

0:27:390:27:42

# Don't lead the life that I left you with

0:27:420:27:45

# Listen to the cars call in the rain

0:27:450:27:50

# I got so tired of concluding

0:27:530:27:57

# That there's nothing for us to conclude

0:27:570:28:01

# Oh, Patti, don't look for certainty in your life

0:28:020:28:07

# I've gone where a lost cause can be found

0:28:070:28:11

# And don't feel sorry for lover boy

0:28:130:28:17

# You know, he wants the world to love him

0:28:170:28:21

# Then he goes and spoils it all

0:28:210:28:24

# Don't feel sorry for lover boy

0:28:240:28:28

# He wants the world to love him

0:28:280:28:32

# Then he goes and spoils it all for love. #

0:28:320:28:35

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