Episode 3 Peter Kay's Car Share

This programme contains some strong language.

-'That's what I was thinking.'

-We're on just before the raffle?

-'Yeah, unless it rains.'

-Why?

-Are we outside? 'It's a gymkhana, man. Everything's outside.'

Bloody hell! They won't want anything too rocky, then, will they?

'We'll dust off the old wedding sets.

-'Swap Sweet Child O' Mine for Cotton Eye Joe - sorted.'

-Good call.

I'll pack my Stetson. They'll lap all that up in a field, won't they?

-'Too right.'

-What time you coming over for me?

'Hmm... Half one?

'Go over the tops, unpack, sound check.'

Half one? You're cutting it fine for a gymkhana.

-'We're not on until after dog agility.'

-Who are they? A band?

'No, it's dogs walking on beams and shit, jumping through hoops.'

Oh, Christ almighty, Jim! What are we doing?

'Hey, you never know who'll be there!'

You say that every time. I know exactly who'll be there -

a load of screaming kids and whingeing pensioners.

'Pays the bills. Anyway, you not bringing your bird?'

-Get lost.

-'What? I'll stick her on guest list.'

-She's not my bird, all right?

-'Not your bird?'

'You drive 45 minutes out of your way to pick her up every morning!'

-And?

-'And? So she's clearly your bird, then.

-'Unless you're running a minicab on the sly. Hey, is she fit?'

-Thin ice!

'Cos if she is, she can help us unload van.'

-I'll see you Saturday.

-'Hey, does your phone do this?'

DISCONNECTION TONE Dickhead!

-RADIO:

-'That's due to power problems on the Bury line,

'so best thing to do - just check with your train company before heading there.

'Forever FM traffic and travel with Brighter Day Careers,

'moving your career in the right direction. Forwards.

'When you look down, do you see the perfect breasts

'or do you see pure disappointment?'

-ENGINE REVS You can hear it, can't you?

-Yeah.

-It's shagged.

-Yeah.

-Feel that.

Christ! That's hot, in't it?

Hotter than July. She shouldn't be firing up like that.

-No, not at that age. No way!

-It'll be the pistons, I tell thee.

-Do you reckon?

-Aye.

-Strip that compressor down.

-Here she is - Bridget Jones.

-Don't!

-Morning.

-Hiya.

-You ready?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Come on, then.

-Yeah, try stripping compressor down.

-I'll give it a go.

-Yeah.

Open her up, see if she bites.

-See you, Steve.

-All right, pal. See you.

-See you.

-See you, love.

Ooh!

-These yours?

-No, they're our Sophie's.

She had them on last night for Beavers' Got Talent.

-Went as Little Lady Gaga.

-Aw, that's cute!

-Did she win?

-No, she came second to a couple of pole dancers.

-At Beavers?

-I don't know what they were wearing.

MUSIC: Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover by Sophie B Hawkins

SHE SIGHS

So not in the mood for this today.

Don't know about you - I could just do with a day off.

-You say that every day.

-But I mean it today.

-You say that every day as well.

-But I really do.

-You've got an easy day today, haven't you?

-Yeah, so-so.

What is it you're doing?

I've just got to drop some paperwork over to Wigan.

Why don't you just stick it in the post and have the day off?

-Cos I want to catch up with Ian Litchfield.

-Who?

-Do you not read the newsletter?

-Oh, God, no.

-He's an old mate of mine.

He's got store manager over there.

Wants me to give him some pointers on his world food aisle. Wink-wink!

Probably sink a full English while we're at it.

Got a cracking Granary over there, apparently.

Just reading about it last night on TripAdvisor. Highly recommended.

It's all right for some.

I'm still doing two for one on Dairylea Dunkers.

Oh, God, I can't cope with that again.

I think I'll phone up and throw a sickie.

I've told you, don't be saying that to me.

SHE SCOFFS What? I'm serious. I'm management.

Yeah, and you're bunking off to Wigan for a full English.

-That's different - that's work.

-Oh, work schmurk!

-You're just having a jolly. Why don't you just sack it off?

-What?

-Sack it off and have the day off with me.

-Are you on glue?

-How suss would that look?

-What?!

-Us both being off, same time.

Well, you're practically off anyway.

-I could throw a sickie and come with you.

-To Wigan?

-Yeah.

And then we could go somewhere. Look at this weather!

-Oh, come on. We'll have a laugh.

-I just...

I just can't take day off. I'm management.

Yeah, you keep telling me,

but that's all the more reason for you to.

-No-one'll be checking up on you and I don't give a shit.

-Clearly.

-Come on.

-What about Litchy?

-Who?

Ian Litchfield in Wigan.

-Why? Does he want to come with us?

-Don't be smart!

No, I can't.

I've got to drop this paperwork off.

Well, you can still see him and I'll just wait in the car.

-You've got it all sussed out, haven't you? Eh?

-Come on, John.

What's a few hours?

Nobody'll miss you. You're on half a day anyway.

Come on, let's go! Look at this. We don't want to be queueing for work.

Let's go. Let's have the day off.

Give yourself a break - you deserve it.

You never do anything for yourself.

Ah, true. Listening to this shit every day.

-Exactly.

-I am my own worst enemy.

-You are.

I've told you. I tell you that all the time.

When was the last time you did something for yourself?

-I've just ordered a NutriBullet.

-Oh, whoopy-doo(!)

Do a bit of juicing.

-I'll tell you what needs juicing, John - life.

-Eh?

You need to squeeze every last drop out of it.

Come on, have the day off! Let's live a little.

It's not going to hurt. What's the worst that could happen?

-RADIO:

-'I like it for lunch, I like it for tea, I like it for supper - whenever.

'I love those chocolaty ones and once you've finished eating them,

'you can drink the milk.

'It's like having a chocolate milkshake - lovely.

'This is Forever FM playing timeless hits, with INXS - Disappear.'

-Do you have to do this now?

-Don't worry. I do this all the time.

Just have to phone before half-past so they can get cover.

-Christ, you've got this off to a fine art, this.

-Thank you.

-Years of practice.

-I'm not party to this. I'm not listening.

-It's ringing.

-No. SHE CLEARS THROAT

-No.

-I hope Simon's on. I'll just tell him I've got lady problems.

He usually can't get off the phone quick enough.

-WEAKLY:

-Oh, hello, Debbie.

Plan B.

You all right?

Oh, sorry for phoning, but I thought I'd better.

Oh, do I sound terrible?

SHE MOUTHS

I feel absolutely dreadful, Debs.

Yeah, I don't know if I've eaten something dodgy or what,

but it's coming out of both ends now. Yeah.

Oh! Sandra's off with a bug?

That must be it, then, yeah.

I had a swig of her juice yesterday, now you mention it.

Yeah, I have, all night, Debs. It's ruined me.

-I feel very weak now, Debs.

-HE MOUTHS

I think I'm just going to get my head down for a bit,

sleep it off, yeah.

OK, yeah. I'm sure I'll be back in tomorrow. Thanks, Debs. OK, bye.

SHE RETCHES

-Bye. Bye.

-SHE RETCHES

-Sorted!

-Oh, you...

-You're unbelievable, you.

-What can I say? I'm wasted in promotions.

How do you sleep at night? Oh, sorry, you don't.

-I forgot, it's coming out of both ends.

-Oh, grow a pair.

Come on. I've done my bit, I've rung in sick.

Come on - have the day off.

-HE SIGHS

-Go on. John!

I... I don't...

What if someone from work sees us?

Well, then, we'll see them, and why aren't they at work?

Go on.

I'll need some air in me tyres.

SHE SQUEALS

-Sorted?

-You've got changed. Where'd you get your clothes from?

Er, top's from New Look. Jeans are from Dorothy Perkins.

-Smart arse! Where did you get changed?

-In the toilets.

Oh, they're minging, John.

-And what's in your bag?

-I've got us some little treats for the road.

I've got Revels, Werther's...

-You've played me like a bloody banjo, haven't you?

-What?!

So, what do you reckon - Seaview Safari or Puzzle Palace?

-I don't fancy Flamingo Land in heels, do you?

-What are those?

Two-for-one vouchers, thanks to Dairylea Dunkers.

-You're unbelievable, you.

-Oh, ssh, John!

If we're going to have a day out, we might as well get some money off.

I told you, life's for squeezing.

Here, suck a Werther's.

No, thank you. Horrible things.

MUSIC: Lost Weekend by Lloyd Cole and the Commotions

'Lloyd Cole and the Commotions and a Lost Weekend on Forever FM.

'So, here we go with the Forever FM Golden Hour. But what year is it?

'It was the year that IKEA opened their first store in Britain

'and I've still got a screw loose.

'In Beirut, special envoy Terry Waite was kidnapped

'and tied to a radiator for four years,

'so he would have missed out on these two pop condiments...'

I've never been to the Wigan store before.

-'..but what was the year?'

-1988.

Look at this!

MUSIC: Push It by Salt 'n' Pepa

-Every store must have to have one.

-John! Don't say that!

-What?

I'm not being racist.

I'm talking about Chippendale trolley collectors.

Have a bloody calendar out next.

I'd take 12 months of that any day of the week.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

-Oh, Christ, it's Litchy. Quick, get your head down.

-Why?

-Just get your head down. What's he going to think?

-About what?

About you - you're supposed to be off sick. Get down there.

-He doesn't even know who I am, John.

-It's not the point. Get down there.

This is ridiculous!

-All right, Litchy?

-Hey, you all right, John?

-How's it going?

-Not bad. Good to see you. You're looking well.

-Yeah, not so bad.

-It must be agreeing with you.

-What's that?

-Being in lurve!

-Come again?

-I've heard all about you and your car-share buddy.

-Oh, aye?

-What have you heard?

-Car sharing? Bloody bed sharing, more like? Eh?

-Come on, spill the beans.

-I'd sooner eat some.

-This Granary open or what?

-You're a sly old bugger, you, John Redmond.

-Tell me about it.

-Exactly, you tell me about it. Tell me all about it.

-There's nowt to tell.

-Hey, you're a dark horse.

I'd sooner eat one. Time for a full English or what?

I'm sure I could pull a few strings.

I bet you've been doing a bit of pulling yourself recently, eh?

-Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

-I'll pull your fucking head off, son,

-if you don't change the subject. Caprice?

-All right, touched a nerve.

Only having a laugh. Come on. Follow me.

Just hang on, let me get this paperwork.

(Knobhead.)

Here, pass me that paperwork, will you? Keep your head down.

-I won't be long.

-Hurry up. It's roasting in here.

-Well, open the window. Dogs die in hot cars.

-Cheeky bas...

Right. Let's get a sausage in me.

-Hmm, is that what she said?

-Just get in the door!

Sorry I was so...

Where's she...?

-Hiya.

-Where are you?

-I'm coming now.

-I told you to stay in the car.

-All right, Isis. I needed a wee. You were ages!

-No, I weren't ages.

I'm having a Magnum. Chill! I just saw you stuff your face.

You'll get me shot. You're supposed to be sick. What if somebody sees you?

No-one knows me here.

-If I go down for this, I'm taking you with me.

-Oh, get a grip.

We're hardly Thelma and Louise, are we?

-What's worst could happen?

-Instant dismissal without statutory pay.

'Very big competition starting next week.

'Tell you all about it after this, Climie Fisher and Love Changes.

'Forever FM.'

MUSIC: Love Changes (Everything) by Climie Fisher

I'm so excited! Come here! Mwah!

Give over, will you? Driving down a road.

Having the day off in A&E with those kind of stunts.

How are you feeling?

-Like dancing on the ceiling.

-I'm excited!

-It does you good to let your hair down.

-I do let my hair down.

Christ, you make me out to be a right misery.

Come on, what was the last reckless thing you did?

-Picked you up this morning.

-No, come on, seriously.

-I'm always reckless.

-I'm reckless all the time. Reckless Redmond, they call me.

-Who does?

Every bugger! I'm in a band, for Christ's sake.

Can't get more reckless than that. Sex, drugs and rock'n'roll!

-Have you got any gigs coming up?

-Gymkhana in Clitheroe on Saturday.

-Rock'n'roll(!)

-I know, tell me about it.

-We're on after dog agility.

-Oh, wow, the dancers?

No, that's Diversity, that.

Gone straight down the shit pan.

Face painting and fruit scones and multi-neurons. How the mighty fall!

I've shared a stage with Mark King, I have.

Who?

Mark King.

Kingy, the King. Level 42, Lessons In Love. Kingy.

-Does he play tambourine?

-No, he plays the bloody bass.

Can't do that - I'm driving, aren't I?

I've never heard of him.

HE SCOFFS Sacrilege!

Shall we play a game?

-We're already playing a dangerous game, bunking off work.

-A car game.

Did you never play car games on long journeys as a kid?

-We never had a car.

-Did you not?

Mum could drive but we never got one.

Did your dad not drive?

He had his forklift licence.

-Couldn't go too far in one of them.

-We always had a car.

We used to play I Spy, see how many red cars we could spot,

used to try and get people to wave.

I bet the hours flew by(!)

Shall we play the yes-no game?

-No.

-I win.

'..paper plant in St Helens today. At least ten fire engines...'

Ooh, I've not been here for years.

Last time was in fourth year, I think,

with my neighbour Kath and her son Pat.

Was he named after the peanut butter?

Don't get it.

Never mind.

Right. I'll go and pay. My treat.

'And a report out today suggests that drivers

'across the north-west of England...'

Cheese!

Thank you.

-I've just had a selfie with a giraffe!

-Huh?

-What are you doing?

What am I doing? Keeping my head down - that's what I'm doing.

You look even more suspicious in that.

As long as no-one sees me, I'm not bothered.

-Oh, balls!

-What?

Cut the giraffe's head off!

When's that happened?

Do you want summat to eat? I've got sandwiches, snacks...

-Where did you get all that from?

-Packed 'em this morning.

-Flipping heck!

-What?

-You know what!

What have you got?

I've got, er, tuna sandwiches and Babybels, cheese strings,

some yogurts, Petits Filous, Munch Bunch.

I forgot a spoon, though, so you'll have to suck it up.

Christ, how much have you got in that bag? You're like Mary bastard Poppins.

I've also got Pom-Bears...

Pom-Bears? How old are you?

Our Mandy gets them in for Alfie and Chloe's packed lunch.

I'll have some Pom-Bears.

'This is Forever FM.'

MUSIC: Don't Get Me Wrong by The Pretenders

-Look at rhinos here. I bet these lads don't need any Viagra.

-Why?

They've got the horn.

-What are they?

-I don't know. I can't see their markings.

Hark at you, David Attenborough!

What? I'm just saying!

-Aw!

-Aw! What's black and white and eats like a horse?

That fella!

Hello! HORN BEEPS

Hello! Would you like a Revel, too? Would you?

Don't give him a coffee one.

Oh, see? He heard me. He's off.

And these idiots here.

Move up. Oh, bugger this!

Christ, get out of the way!

-Get round 'em!

-Only you could get road rage in a safari park!

-They've been sat there for half an hour.

-So?

All right.

Got to have some balls to work here, haven't you, with these animals?

Looks like your man - what were he called? What were his name?

-He was with animals.

-Dr Dolittle?

-No, Australian fella.

-Rolf Harris?

-No. Don't know.

Bugging me now. Australian fella. Right nutter.

-Steve... Steve Irwin!

-Ooh, I used to like him.

-Yeah, I did.

Saturday dinnertimes. Frightened of nothing, that man.

Didn't one of his animals kill him?

-Yeah, stingray, stabbed him through heart. Ooh!

-That's awful!

Mind you, I suppose that's how he would have wanted to die.

Eh?

Stabbed through heart by a stingray? You reckon?

I'm sure he'd have rather gone in his sleep.

Look at this - lion preserve.

Now you're talking!

-Aren't they gorgeous?

-Aren't they? Bloody hell, eh?

Look at that!

Nature's television. King of the jungle, them.

Who made 'em king?

They did themselves - they ate every bugger else.

Look what he's eating here - like a rack of ribs!

Makes you want to go veggie, doesn't it?

-It's them or us.

-John!

-It is.

-You're eating tuna - you can talk!

-Tuna isn't meat.

Tell that to a dolphin.

MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEECH

Bloody hell! Look at all these!

Aw! Come on! Come to your auntie Kayleigh.

THEY YELL

It's on the car! HORN BEEPS

SHE YELLS

-..mighty! Wipers on!

-Don't! You'll scare it.

-Hip-yay! Uh!

There should be signs up. This place has gone downhill.

-I'd love to have a little monkey. Wouldn't you?

-No, I w...

Ah! Ah!

Oh, oh, they're fighting! They're fighting! Ooh!

Oh, they're on the back!

-..the frig?

-Trying to get in!

-Uh! Uh!

-They're everywhere!

-Hello. Hello.

-This is not a good day out!

Look at these! He's on your...

-He's on your mirror!

-Aw, look at him, John!

-Get off!

-John!

-Bollocks to 'em! Look at this one on me wing mirror!

-Aw, hello!

-Off there now.

-It's making me broody.

-How's that making you broody?

-Is it not you?

Look at this one here with his dick out. Bold as brass! Oh, look at it!

This is wrong, this! We should be at work!

You'd rather be at work than see that?

-What are you doing? Don't take a picture!

-Our Mandy'll love that!

She'll have that as her screensaver.

Nice here, innit?

Used to come here all time when I were a kid, with my dad.

Used to get train over.

So, er, now I've got you,

and, er, since we're having a moment,

-there's been something I've been meaning to talk to you about.

-Hmm.

-Sounds ominous.

-I've been... I've been thinking about this a lot.

No pressure, like.

If you... If you're up for it...

-Yeah!

-..do you fancy being on my Christmas team?

-Oh, yeah.

-What?

-Yeah, I do.

-I thought you'd be chuffed.

-I am chuffed. I'm dead chuffed.

-Well, tell your face!

Flipping heck, it's all you've gone on about. You've not...

What's that?

What the hell's that?!

What the fu...? Oh! MONKEY SNARLS

-Get out quick! What?

-There's a monkey on the roof!

-Go on! Get off! Hip-yay!

-Oh, it's a little baby one.

-A little baby?

-The bastard'll rip your face off. Get back!

-Don't be daft.

-Want some Curly Wurly? Yes, you do.

-Don't give it a Curly Wurly!

MONKEY GROWLS

Christ, that were a struggle! Little swine!

-You all right?

-All right?

I'm cut to bloody ribbons! Look at my clothes!

This is every shade of wrong, this. We're going to get screwed for this.

-Kidnapping a monkey's a serious crime.

-It wasn't our fault!

I can't believe we drove all the way with him on the roof

-and nobody stopped us!

-I wondered why all those cars were flashing us.

How are we going to get him back?

You'd think they'd notice a missing monkey.

-Do they not do an 'eadcount?

-Maybe he's not from there.

Oh, no, it's closed!

Closed? You're having a laugh.

I've got a monkey on board - how can it be closed?

There must be a number or something, anything.

No, there's a website. Give us your phone.

-No internet, nothing.

-Ah!

-Is there a number?

Have you got a receipt, anything?

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Here we go.

-There's a number on the receipt, there.

-That'll do. Hang on a minute.

-What's it doing?

-He's eating a Werther's!

Jesus, get it off it! It'll choke. We can't bring it back if it's dead!

Oh, it just spat it out. He doesn't like them either.

No bugger does.

Bluetooth.

'Welcome to Seaview Safari Park.

'Sorry, but we've all gone home for the day

'and all our animals are tucked up in bed.'

This one's not!

'We're open every day except Christmas.

'For more information, you can visit...'

What about when you're shut? Nah! That can't be it.

What kind of show are they running? I said this place had gone downhill.

-Well, what are we going to do now?

-Er...

RSPCA? They do animals.

-Can we not just call the police, let them deal with it?

-The police?

-We're supposed to be keeping a low profile!

-Oh!

-I'll just call 999. Is it an emergency?

-Yeah, I'll say.

I just nearly lost a nose. Little bastard.

'Oh, this is a lovely raspberry compote tune.'

OK, thanks. Bye.

They'll be here as soon as they can.

-That's all we need.

-What are we doing?

-I'm trying to get it to sleep. Is it working?

-OMG!

-You've got to get a picture of this, John.

-Why? What's it doing?

-He's got Sophie's sunglasses on. So cute!

-Get them off his head!

-Like a little Elton John. Clever!

-I can't believe this is happening.

It's like some shit comedy.

MUSIC: Hips Don't Lie by Shakira featuring Wyclef Jean

Turn music up. Put it to sleep. Hips Don't Lie.

What? The dirty little bastard!

-Hey, hey, hey!

-What just happened?

It just took a piss. That's what happened.

John, is this dangerous? Have we got a monkey virus?

Can you smell that? That's potent. That is strong piss.

It's leaving its scent!

Right, cheers, bud. Thanks.

That's that.

Oh! Did you hear it crying?

Bollocks to it.

Have you seen state of my back seat?

It still stinks of piss in here. Smells like Sugar Puffs.

I've a good mind to send 'em cleaning bill.

-That bobby said it's happening twice a week.

-What a shame!

Back in its cage now.

Do you think it'll miss us?

No, I do not.

MUSIC: Monkey by George Michael

# Why can't you do it?

# Why can't you set your monkey free?

# Always giving in to it

# Do you love your monkey or do you love me?

# Why can't you do it?

# Why do I have to share my baby with a monkey?

# Monkey, monkey. #