Episode 4 Peter Kay's Car Share

-RADIO:

-# Ahhh

-Ahhh

# Ahhh

# Ahhh... #

-HE MOUTHS

-# Bass

# Ooh, white

# White

# Ooh, white lines

# Vision dreams of passion

# Blowing through my mind

# And all the while I think of you

# High price

# A very strange reaction

# For us to unwind

# The more I see, the more I do

-# Something like a phenomenon

-Baby

# Telling your body to come along

# But white lines blow away

# Blow!

# Rock it!

# Blow! #

-RADIO:

-'Who Was In The Toaster is back tomorrow.

'You know, spending time in my garden reminds me

'of the cycle of life - birds, bees, butterflies, foxes.

'Nothing lasts for ever.

'And that's why I called Arthur Wheelan and Co.

'It's not always easy, thinking about what will happen

'after you're gone, but by paying just a small amount each month,

'you can be assured of a lump sum to be enjoyed by your family

'when you're just a photograph in a frame.

'Call 08081 570 570 for a free no-obligation quote.

'Arthur Wheelan - for when tomorrow DOESN'T come.

'This is Forever FM.'

So, what do I do with this?

That's the card, Nan. You give that to them when they come.

They'll ring the bell between now and six o'clock tonight,

they'll give you a parcel, OK?

There's quiche in the fridge, Sky's on,

help yourself to whatever.

Give me a call if you need me.

-Love you. Listen for the bell.

-I will.

Ta-ra. See you.

-Go in, you'll get starved.

-OK.

You get in.

Ta-ra.

Bye-bye. Bye.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

-'John? They've been.'

-Who's been?

'The postman who's brought your parcel.'

-Already?

-'Yes.'

-When?

'Just after you left.'

You're joking? So soon?

-'Yes.'

-Oh, my God.

It's either famine or feast with these lads.

-'What do you want me to do now?'

-Well, he's been, he's done.

-I don't know. I'm on my way to work now. I can't come back.

-'Aw.'

Eh... I won't be home till I've finished.

'Oh, no...'

But Sky's on.

There's quiche in the fridge.

There's a stack of ironing.

'Oh, honestly.'

You can run round with t'Ewbank if you're bored.

-'Oh.'

-I don't...

I'll ring you later. There's quiche in the fridge. OK?

-'All right.'

-See you, Nan.

-'Bye.'

-Bye.

Bloody hell!

-RADIO:

-'If you think that we sound a bit out of sorts this morning,

'well, we are - we're in a different studio, aren't we, Katie?

-'Yes, we are.

-Yes, we're in Studio B this morning.

'The Forever FM engineers are giving Studio A, where we usually are,

'a well-needed revamp, and they're there through the window.

-'Morning, guys!

-They can't hear you!

-'Which is the talkback button? Morning, guys.

-Not that one!

'We don't really know what does what in here, do we?'

PHONE RINGS

You coming, or what?

'I can't, I'm locked in.'

-Come again? What?

-'I'm locked in.'

You're joking?

'Look, behind the blinds.'

What are you doing?

Everyone's gone out and I'm locked in.

-Where's your key?

-I don't know. I can't find it.

One of them must have had it.

Have you looked for it properly?

I've turned the place upside down, John.

-I'm in a right flap, here.

-Where did you leave it?

I don't know!

Oh, bollocks. Hang on.

SHE SIGHS

Are you sure you've looked everywhere?

Yes, course I have. I even emptied the bins.

And have you not got a spare?

-Mine is the spare.

-What?!

Mine is the spare!

Bloody hell.

And have you phoned your Mandy?

Yes, course I have.

What about Steve?

-He hasn't got a phone.

-What?!

He hasn't got a phone.

He hasn't got a phone? Why?

I don't know! He doesn't believe in them!

He don't believe in them?!

How do you get hold of him if there's an emergency?

Well, he's always outside doing his bike.

Except now.

When there is an emergency.

What time is it now?

-Twenty-five to.

-Shit, I've got to get in.

I'm on a conference call with Chester at half-nine.

-Chester who?

-What?

Who's Chester?

-The city, you clown!

-All right!

It's not my fault. You go, I'll be fine.

-Shut up.

-I'm not going to leave you, am I?

Have the neighbours not got a key?

That side's deaf...or dead,

cos I've been banging on the wall for 20 minutes,

and that side's gone glamping in Cockermouth.

-Back door? Have you tried the back door?

-No key.

It's got a cat-flap.

Well, can you not fit through it?

I'm not a Borrower, John.

What am I going to do?

Hairpin! Have you got an hairpin?

Do I look rough?

To try and pick the lock, smartarse!

Come on, you frigger.

Any joy?

Hang on! I'm doing me bloody best!

Have you straightened it out?

I've got to dabby it.

Any joy?

All right! All right! I'm not the pissing Dynamo!

I've never done this sort of shit.

No, it's no good. You're going to have to ring a locksmith.

A locksmith?! To do what?

Clean out your guttering(!) What do you reckon?

Change your lock, so you can get out.

Oh, no. They cost a fortune.

-Our Mandy'll go mad.

-How are you going to get out, then?

I don't know. There's got to be a way.

-Come on, shuffle forward.

-I AM shuffling forward!

-I can't move.

-You can move.

-I've dropped me shoe.

Bugger your shoe. Shuffle forward!

-I'm stuck!

-Are you balls stuck!

Come on! Come on...

Ow! You're giving me a wedgie!

How do, love? Morning.

We're going to be on bloody Crimewatch at this rate. Come on.

-On three...

-I can't, John, I can't.

-Three...

-John, no!

-..two...

-No!

SHE SHRIEKS

HOARSELY: Fuck a duck.

Yeah. No bother, yeah. OK. Thanks.

OK. See you in a bit. Ta-ra. Bye.

Locksmith said he'll be here soon as he can.

And did he say how much?

-140.

-What?! You're joking?!

Standard call-out charge.

I can't afford that.

What am I going to do?

It's all right. I'll stick it on my card.

Aw... Thank you.

-I'll pay you back at the end of the month.

-I know you will.

Did you hurt yourself?

Just me pride.

And me back.

And the top of me thigh.

Hey, what time is it? What about your conference call?

It's all right. I texted Kath Hilton before.

-Told her I was dropping me nan off.

-Oh, good.

And you did drop your nan off so it's only a white lie.

So you're not really lying.

How is your nana?

She's all right.

-Bloody parcel came five minutes after I left her.

-You're joking?!

No! She's got to sit in all day now.

Sky's on, and there's some quiche in the fridge.

Christ Almighty! How much sugar have you put in this?

-I put loads in.

-Why?

-For shock.

Sho... Shock? I'll be in a diabetic coma in a minute.

Apparently, food's good for shock.

-Ah?

-Yeah.

HE SNIFFS Can I smell bacon?

SHE LAUGHS

Cheeky!

-There you go.

-Thank you!

-Are you not having one?

-Oh, no.

I can't eat when I'm stressed up. I get acid reflux.

-You must have mice, then(!)

-Sorry.

-I was just checking it was cooked.

-You've got sauce on your face.

-Oh.

Got it.

-So...

-So...

Only you could get locked in.

VEHICLE APPROACHES

Hey up!

I've stuck a Fortress deadlock on there.

That bastard'll last longer than the door.

Fair enough.

Here, take me card.

You should have rung me direct.

Much cheaper if you call me in person.

Well, I...I will do next time.

-Do you take credit cards?

-All major.

-I'll just get my swiper.

-All right.

-Fortress deadlock.

-Hmm.

-There you go.

£140.

Only got one key.

How's anyone else supposed to get in?

I didn't think of that.

I'll have to get another one cut at work.

Yeah. But how are they going to get in if they get home before you?

I don't know.

I could leave a message with our Mandy

and then hide the key here.

You're brave, in this day and age.

It'll be all right. At least they'll have a key.

Oh, John.

What?

Spare key.

-RADIO:

-'I hope you're well. Justin in with you...'

You're on your arse! Under the plant pot?!

-How obvious!

-Well, you didn't think of looking there!

140 quid!

Up the swanny!

Don't, John, I could cry.

HE SIGHS

OK...

RADIO PLAYS: I Won't Let You Down by Ph.D.

# I won't let you down

# Won't let you down... #

-RADIO:

-'Forever FM playing timeless hits...'

Oh, I've seen it all now.

You can only see her eyes.

RADIO PLAYS: Buffalo Stance by Neneh Cherry

Oh, I love this. Do you?

-SHE SINGS ALONG

-# Who's that gigolo on the street

# With his hands in his pockets and his crocodile feet?

# Hanging off the kerb Looking all disturbed

# And the boys from home They all came running

# They were making noise Manhandling toys

# That's the girls on the block with the nasty curls

# Wearing padded bras Sucking beers through straws

# Dropping down their drawers Where did you get yours?

-# Gigolo

-Huh, sucker

# Gigolo

-# Gigolo

-Huh, sucker

# Gigolo

# Who's looking good today?

# Who's looking good in every way?

# No style rookie

# You better watch Don't mess with me

# No money man can win my love

# It's sweetness that I'm thinking of

# We always hang in a buffalo stance

# We do the dive every time we dance

# I'll give you love, baby Not romance

# I'll make a move Nothing left to chance

# So don't you get fresh with me... #

Neneh Cherry, '89.

She was so cool, wasn't she?

I used to love her and Michael Jackson.

-I still can't believe he's gone.

-Aw...

One of the best.

Never mind one of the best, THE best.

Everybody had Bad when I was at school.

Yeah. It was Thriller for me.

I'm just that little bit older.

I crapped my pants when I first saw that.

-Come again?

-It's too scary.

Oh, it still is.

That bit at the beginning when he's got them yellow eyes, he looks up,

"Go away!" There's no need for that, is there?

And when it came out on video and everyone wanted to see it,

there was about a two-month waiting list for it at our video shop.

Oh, God, yeah. Video shops.

You forget about them now, don't you?

It's mad when you think about hiring videos.

-You can download them to your bloody phone now.

-Hmm.

Remember when you used to have them back before seven o'clock

or you got fined?

If they weren't rewound, they used to fine you

at Bolton Video Centre.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

I was banned from our video shop. It wasn't even a video shop.

-It was just a wall at the back of an offie.

-We had one of them!

Just 30 videos on a spinning carousel at the newsagent's.

What were you banned for?

We hired Dirty Dancing and never took it back.

-Little thief!

-We'd practically paid for it anyway,

we'd hired it out that many times.

Why did you hire it out at all?

Uh, cos I love it. It's me favourite film.

It's such a cliche.

What? I love that film.

-It's a chick flick.

-Exactly! I'm a chick.

Aye.

Well, I never got it.

They were showing it on Channel 5.

That bit at the end, where they're in the ballroom.

Yeah, Kellerman's end-of-season talent show, grand hall.

Yeah, whatever.

-I know every single bit of that film, John.

-Yeah.

-And he says something to her. What does he say?

-What?

He called her a baby, or something.

-What's all that about?

-You are joking me.

Everybody knows that. "Nobody puts Baby in the corner."

-Yeah. What does that mean?!

-It means he loves her!

He's telling her he loves her. That is THE moment of the film.

Why doesn't he just tell her instead of talking in bloody riddles?

Best bit after that is when he goes up on stage,

holds up a record like he's going to put it on.

Time Of Your Life, Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes, belting song,

clearly got synthesisers in it, right,

and it's 1950s.

That's 1980s.

It's supposed to be set in the '50s, so what's all that about?

I have seen that film about 174 times,

and I have never, ever thought that, ever.

Well, it completely ruined it for me, that.

Well, I've never noticed,

cos I'm too busy watching the Swayze.

He's gone, and all.

-Oh, my God, yeah. It makes it even more sad.

-Hmm.

Then he gets up on stage and says, "This is for Frances Houseman."

It's when he uses her name in full.

Oh, my God! And then he does that dance down the aisle.

They do the lift. That one everyone used to do in the swimming baths.

Except you.

What do you mean "except me"?

You're aquaphobic, aren't you?

Aww, you remembered.

How could I forget?

I've still got to get half the car washed.

I love that you know all those things about me.

I tell you more than I tell anyone else.

Well, that's car sharing for you.

-I don't know whether that's good or bad.

-Sure.

# We'll always be together

# Together in electric dreams... #

MUSIC: Body Talk by Imagination

We've missed the golden hour anyway.

Oh, no, we haven't.

# Body talk

# Body talk... #

He's a good licker.

Ooft, I'll give him that.

# As it overflows, pleasure grows... #

Should try doing a lick of work.

# Ooh, your lips in my eyes and gentle sighs... #

Oh, fucky lake.

What?

Lucky flake.

# Body talk... #

HE GRUMBLES

John, John, you've got mud all over your pants. Come here.

Christ, it'll be all right, leave it.

-Got spit on them now, haven't I?!

-Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Barry.

Leave it, I'll get if off in the bogs. Animal.

CAR DOOR OPENS All right?

I thought you said you'd only be five minutes.

I came as quick as I could.

Late in, late out.

Whose fault were that?

Buggering about with your lock.

Did you speak to your Mandy? Was she happy?

-She was all right, Steve's not happy.

-Why?

Came home from work early and thought she'd chucked him out.

Met her at work with flowers.

Well, if he had a phone, he could've rung her. Mm.

-RADIO:

-'But then I heard about Weightstoppers.

'The menus are great, I can have all my favourite food,

'as long as I cut out anything that makes me fat.

'Visit weightstoppers.co.uk today.'

'Forever FM.'

RADIO: Red Light by Billy Ocean

-Oh, this is a song, this.

-Oh! I love this.

-Yeah, classic.

This is what you want when you're driving home.

# Red light spells danger

-# Can't hold out... #

-What a voice!

# Much longer... #

-Who, me?

-No, Billy Ocean.

-# You took my heart and turned me on

-Spells danger

-# And now the danger sign is on

-Can't hold out

-# You got me on a ball and chain

-I'm burning

# Doin' things that I don't want to

-# I can't stop running to you

-Ahhh

-# I feel love coming through you

-Ahhh

-# Girl, with you beside me

-Ahhh

# Hold on, heaven guide me

-# Red light

-Feel the red light

-# Spells danger

-Oh, it's a danger warning

-# Can't hold out

-Can't hold out

# Much longer... #

-'This is Forever FM playing...'

-No, no, no.

-You can't cut that off!

-No!

Oh, that's bang out of order. What's all that about?

-Why have they done that?

-You can't cut a song like that off mid-song,

that's just bad programming, Forever FM, shower of shit!

-I was enjoying that.

-Oh, me too.

Oh, I love this. I love it!

-What?

-This, us driving, singing.

I love it too.

It's going to be great working on Christmas team together.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah, it is. It will be.

-You don't seem arsed about it, though.

-I am.

I can't work you out, I thought you loved Christmas.

I do love Christmas.

And I'm glad to be working on the Christmas team, it's just that...

What?

There's other things I want as well.

-Like what?

-Well, you just said it.

You said that you loved this, that you loved us but...

What is this? Is there an us?

I don't know. I just...

I just take each day as it comes.

It's you - why do you have to always know everything,

give everything a label?

Cos I do.

But why do you have to define it?

Cos I do.

-Are you not happy the way things are?

-Yes.

I don't know. Yeah.

Yeah, kind of.

This is... You know, we've got a good thing here. Why ruin it?

Ruin it? Ruin it how?

By poking bloody holes in it, overanalysing it all the time.

-I'm not.

-You are!

-How am I?

By asking what is it all about, that's why!

Just let it be.

There now, bloody Beatles.

-RADIO:

-'The car fire between junction 20 and 21

'is causing problems so traffic is very slow

'and building up all around there.'

BEEPING

But what are we?

What?

Well, what are we?

Here you go again.

We're friends, aren't we?

We're...car share buddies.

I just thought we were more than that.

See, you're not even bothered.

I'm not bothered?

I drive an extra 90 minutes out of my way every day.

Think I'd do that if I weren't bothered?

Well, why don't you tell me you're bothered?

Look, I'm not good at these sort of things, all right?

The traffic's bad on here tonight, isn't it?

I mean, do you think it would be nice if we saw more of each other?

What, other than every day?

I mean, not in a work way.

I don't know. What's this prick doing up here?

I just...

I think that... Don't you think that...?

Forgot what I was going to say now, I've lost my thread,

you're sat there texting.

I'm not, I'm not texting.

You're not even listening to what I'm saying!

I am.

Well, why are you texting?

I'm just trying to sort something, OK?

Look, you've got my full attention, I'm listening.

-God, my life's not my own.

-Oh, forget it.

What? I can't bloody win with you!

-Forget it.

-Oh, my God.

He's another one that's gone.

RADIO: Praying For Time by George Michael

Belting song, this.

So...

Gave you a CD, you never said anything.

I did. I said thanks.

You never said you played the song.

Well, maybe I didn't feel the need to say anything.

TURNS RADIO UP

TURNS RADIO DOWN

I thought we shared things.

We do - a car.

Is that it, is it?

Is that all I am?

Look, I don't know what you want me to say!

I want you to tell me how you feel for once.

What is it you want me to say?

That I was completely overwhelmed by the CD?

That I'd never been given anything like that before in my life?

That it scared the shit out of me?

Well, why did it?

Because it did. Because I didn't...

I didn't know how to react.

It made me feel things I haven't felt for ages now and it...

TURNS RADIO UP

TURNS RADIO DOWN

Go on, tell me.

Because I've been hurt before, haven't I?

I've been hurt before with Charlotte.

But you wanted Charlotte to leave.

I know I...

I did, but it still bloody hurt me.

I've told you, I just...

I just think it's easier to stay away from it all.

From all what?

You know what.

I've told you, you can't live your life in fear, John, on your own.

What, and because you say those things they're true?

I'm not like you, you know. I don't live my life in a bloody fairy tale.

I don't live in a fairy tale, John. I just want to be happy.

And we are happy, aren't we?

-RADIO:

-'..between junction 20 and 21 is still causing problems.'

-Ugh! How infuriating.

-TURNS RADIO DOWN

-I just can't...

-SEAT BELT UNCLICKS

-I can't do this any more.

-What are you doing?

Where you going? What...? You can't do what?

I can't waste any more time, John. I've told you.

I haven't got time to waste.

-What are you doing?

-I'm going. I'm getting out.

-Getting out where?

-Of your car.

Of your life.

Why?

Because I love you, that's why.

And it's killing me that you don't feel the same.

What are you doing?

Fucking hell.

Get back in!

-RADIO:

-'Got a text here from John, who's stuck in gridlock on the A...'

You're missing this! You listen, you're missing it!

'And he's also cryptically added

' "Nobody puts Kayleigh in the corner." '

-You're being stupid.

-'Does that mean anything to anybody out there?

'That's almost a classic line from Dirty Dancing

-'which, of course, you'd expect to play a song from.'

-Jesus.

'But here's a classic from Marillion instead.

'Here's Kayleigh on the big, big drive home. Forever FM.'

BEEPING Yeah, yeah, yeah.

BEEPING

RADIO: Kayleigh by Marillion

# Do you remember

# Chalk hearts melting on a playground wall?

# Do you remember dawn escapes from moon-washed college halls...? #

Hey!

# Do you remember the cherry blossom in the market square?

# Do you remember I thought it was confetti in our hair?

# By the way, didn't I break my heart...? #

Oh!

# I never meant to break your heart

# So sorry, I never meant to break your heart... #

Oi!

# But you broke mine

# Kayleigh

# Oh, I never thought I'd miss you

# And, Kayleigh, I thought that we'd always be friends

# We said our love would last forever... #

I love you too.

# How did it come to this bitter end? #

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

'John, it's me.

'Where did you say that quiche was?'

Erm...it's in the fridge.

'Are you done?'

Yeah, I'm done.

# Kayleigh

# I just wanna say I'm sorry

# But, Kayleigh, I'm too scared to pick up the phone

# To hear you've found another lover

# To patch up our broken home

# Kayleigh

# I'm still trying to write that love song

# Kayleigh, it's more important to me now you're gone

# Maybe it will prove that we were right

# Or it'll prove that I was wrong. #