Episode 3 Peter Kay's Comedy Shuffle

This programme contains some strong language.

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# La-la

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. #

RADIO FREQUENCY SHUFFLES

..RADIO: And we've got television's Bob Carolgees...

MUSIC: Let's Hear It For The Boy by Deniece Williams

-Right!

-Hey! I'm reading that!

-Get up.

-What?

-Get up!

-I'm not a rag doll! I'm not a rag doll, you know.

I'm just going to show you a few simple dance moves, that's all.

-You're going to show ME how to dance?

-Yes.

-This I've got to see.

One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two!

-That's just line dancing. Anybody can do that.

-Is it?

# Let's hear it for the boy... #

-Where'd you learn that?

-On the streets.

Look and learn, flower, look and learn. Here we go.

Right, come on. One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two.

# Maybe he's no Romeo, but he's my loving one-man show

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh!

# Let's hear it for the boy

# My baby may not be rich, he's watching every dime

# But he loves me, loves me, loves me

# We always have a real good time

# And maybe he sings off-key,

# but that's all right by me, yeah... #

MAX GIGGLES

# But what he does, he does so well, makes me wanna yell... #

-Is this really necessary?

-Yes, it is.

Women love a bit of bump and grind,

trust me. You're a man, I'm a woman, and you want me!

Yeah! That's right, you want me, I'm a woman!

I'm a woman and you want me!

DUCKS QUACK IN ALARM

# Maybe he's no Romeo, but he's my lovin' one-man show

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh... #

-Now, the most important thing to remember is balance.

-Balance!

-Yes.

-Balance.

-Give me a spin.

-Yeah.

-That's it, that's right, you've got it.

-Is that it?

-You're a natural.

I like it, Max, I like it.

MAX YELLS

-IN HELIUM VOICE:

-Oh, God, go and get help!

My balls have gone up into my stomach!

# I just want to cheer, let's hear it for the boy

# Oh, let's give the boy a hand

# Let's hear it for my baby, you know you've got to understand

# Oh, maybe he's no Romeo, but he's my lovin' one-man show

# Oh-whoa-whoa-whoa!

# Let's hear it for the boy... #

Just been away. Just been t'Egypt.

LAUGHTER

That's how they pronounce it in Bolton.

T'Egypt.

My nan said, "When you going t'Egypt?

"When you going t'Egypt?"

She said, "Are you not on that t'internet yet?"

On that t'internet?

T'internet!

"You want to get that t'internet, that's what you want to do!

"Get on that t'internet!"

Showing you.

People talk with their hands, don't they? Computer.

"You know, the computer?"

"You know? Phone!" You know when they do that? "Phone for you! Phone!

"Phone for you!

"Janet, phone for you! For you! Phone!

"Phone! Phone for you! Phone!"

"Want a drink?

"Want a drink? Want a brew?

"Cup of tea? Brew?

"Want a drink?

"Drink?"

"Drink? Yeah, I'll have a drink.

"Thanks!"

You won't know if I didn't do that.

"When are you going on your holidays?" This is the best one.

"When are you going on your holidays?" "Not til end of June."

End of June!

"When are you going?" "End of June."

"That's a fancy watch, Where'd you get that from? End of June!"

Buy one of them, end of June.

"Where you going?" "Tenerife."

"Where?" "Tenerife." "Over there, is it? Tenerife?"

"Then we're going to Scotland. Tenerife, Scotland.

"Not next week, week after.

"Not next week, week after. Not next week, week after.

"Not tomorrow, day after."

Flipping calendar.

MUSIC: Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want by The Smiths

-Sorry, I opened my eyes then.

-HE LAUGHS

I just opened my eyes. Is that when you're doing the...?

-We're filming now. This is the bit!

-I know, sorry.

-I thought we were...

-Bloody hell fire!

-I thought we'd stopped!

Right, let's do it again.

Well, you didn't have to call him an effing arsehole!

Well, he is an arsehole, John!

He is an arsehole, I hate him! Did you hear him?

-IN BIZARRE ACCENT:

-"Oh, that's got to shut down. Going to kick her...arse..." Sorry...

-What?!

What the bloody hell's going on?!

Well, you did, did you hear him?

-IN MASCULINE VOICE:

-"Oh, I'm going to, to..."

-What?!

-"Oh, but..."

-What?!

-I forgot my accent.

Well, you didn't have to call him an effing arsehole, did you?!

-Well, he is an effing arsehole!

-You didn't have to say that!

-Well, I did, John. Did you hear him?

-IN BAD ASIAN ACCENT:

-"Someone's got to shut down."

-What are you doing?! LAUGHING:

-I don't know!

-HE IMITATES HER

Well, what happened? Did you set a date and everything?

-No, we never got that far.

-Then what happened to her ring?

THE ring.

Well, what happened to the ring?

Oh, there's no need for that, is there?

No-one would think that from that sentence.

Let's hear it for Albert! Albert's a registered diabetic.

Come on, the louder you scream, the faster the ride!

You know the rules, folks, come on!

What else are you going to do with your afternoons?

Come on, son! You nearly hit the pensioners' record! Here we go!

-Come on!

-There he is!

-Who?

-Ray Von.

-But Perry thinks he's back on the waltzers.

-Ay.

Look at this lot, though! I've not seen them this excited since

-they printed that paedophile's address in t'paper.

-I know.

YELLING

Oh, shit. Not another one.

Hey-hey!

CHEERING

Let's get another victim up! Just a little joke there from Ray! Come on!

I tell you, you know what we should have, don't you?

-St John's Ambulance?

-Wild West night.

-You reckon?

-I do, indeed.

What with that thing there, get some of them cowboys in,

-do a bit about gunslinging, get some line dancing going.

-Line dancing?

-Yeah.

-It's a bit "all that."

No, Den Perry had it every week and it was sold out. Made a fortune.

-Did he?

-He did.

I draw the line at lynching.

-You speak the Japanese?

-Yeah, 'tis my mother tongue.

HE SPEAKS IN JAPANESE

Ooh.

Sorry.

-Er, 'tis my mother tongue.

-HE TRIES SPEAKING IN JAPANESE

-SHE LAUGHS Sorry! Sorry.

-Sorry?

Here we go.

-Um...

-Shall I say...?

-No, no.

I just want to be able to come straight out with it.

-Um, 'tis my mother tongue.

-Oh?

-HE ATTEMPTS HIS LINES IN JAPANESE

-Oh.

-Um, 'tis my mother tongue...

-HE TRIES TO SPEAK JAPANESE

'tis my mother...

-'tis my mother tongue.

-Oh?

HE SPEAKS IN JAPANESE

-Oh, no.

-I'll do it again.

He loved the sun, my dad, which always made me wonder why

we always went to Butlin's for two weeks every year and it always rained.

Only time I ever saw my dad cry were at Butlin's, Filey.

And when he trapped his balls in a sun lounger!

Oh, oh, yes! We went to Lloret De Mar, it's over there.

Lloret De Mar.

And he got one of them white plastic sunloungers

at t'side of t'pool,

but it had a crack right up t'middle of it, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Gets to t'pool, sits on it, and when he puts his weight to the back...

of the lounger...

thus opening the crack.

More like a man-trap opening.

He didn't see a thing.

Everything fell through, just fell through. Plop, that were it.

You got the family jewels swinging in the wind now.

You know you've been in water and they hang lower, as well?

They were that far from the concrete now, swinging down there.

I went past on my lilo, pissed my sides, didn't say a thing.

"This is the life!

"Bit of San Miguel.

"Deirdre, where's my sun hat, that sun's roasting, where's my sun hat?

"Pass my hat, there, will you, love? Pass my hat there.

"I can't reach it, just pass my... H-A-AAAAAAT!

HIGH-PITCHED: "Suffering Jesus!"

It took five of us to get him in t'back of t'ambulance,

towel wrapped around him, still sat on t'sunlounger.

"Deirdre, Deirdre, Deirdre!

"Go and pick my dick up, go get my dick, love!

"Pick it. Get it. Quick. If it rolls in the pool,

"they can sew it back on. Put it in ice."

He spent the next two weeks kicking his balls down the beach like that.

Yeah. I trained there '86 to '95, boom time.

'86 to '95, boom time!

Yeah.

-Huh.

-Huh.

OK.

Yeah.

Yeah, I trained there '86 to '95, boom time!

We'll start again now.

Oh...

This is it, now, stupid.

Yeah. No, here we go.

Yeah.

No, here we go. This is it.

Yeah, I trained there.

'86 to '95, boom time!

I went...

-I don't even care.

-You're doing it deliberately, mate.

-No, I'm not!

Have it.

Oh, yes.

HE EXHALES

So, cowboys and cowgirls, we've got a very special treat for you now,

so will you give a mighty Phoenix welcome to a fabulous act!

It's Wild Bill and Trigger.

CHEERING

I'm Wild Bill.

Say hello to Trigger.

MUSIC: Theme from The Big Country by Jerome Moross

There is a horse in my cabaret suite.

Are you? Because we've had this conversation.

-Hey.

-Ah!

-What are you doing?

-Get this pumped up!

I was a very naughty boy to this song many moons a ba...ba-ba.

MUSIC: Here Comes The Hotstepper by Ini Kamoze

Pump this up!

-I was a very... Oh.

-# Na na na na na na na... #

Pump this up.

I was a very naughty boy back...

Oh, this is it.

Pump this up.

I was a very naughty boy to this song.

Here we go. Oh-ho-ho!

Pump this up.

I was a very naughty boy back... Oh.

Pump this up!

I was a very naughty boy to this song many moons ago...

back in Okinawa.

What's he doing now?

MUSIC: Theme from The Big Country by Jerome Moross

He's digging for gold.

-Beautiful!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a clever boy.

Well, what do you think?

There is a horse in my cabaret suite.

I know, he's brilliant, isn't he?

Is it real?

Down.

That's a good boy.

Oh, it's real, my friend.

It's real. You'd better believe it.

I'll clean it up.

30 grand, that cork floor.

# Na na na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na... #

-Oi, what are you doing?

-Ah!

Get it pumped up.

# Na na na na

# Na na-na-na-na

# Na-na-na-na Na na na na

# Na-na-na-na... #

This is it. Here we go now.

HE SCATS INCOMPREHENSIBLY

What?

# Still love you like that, murderer... #

Here we go now.

# Here comes the hotstepper

# A little, little dance floor... #

What?

# Ch-ch-chang-chang

# Here comes the hot stepper

# I'm a lyrical dance-flap... #

It's not "dance-flap"!

# Still love you like that Murderer... #

"I'm a lyrical dance-flap".

Here we go, now Here we go, now.

# Here come the hotstepper

# The lyrical dance floor... #

I can't fucking cope.

HE BABBLES INCOHERENTLY

# You don't know my dung

HE BABBLES INCOHERENTLY

# For you do not know Doh-doh

# Refrigerate my ass. #

# Understand I'm the daddy of the mack daddy... #

-# Here come the hotstepper

-# Murderer

-# I'm the lyrical gangster

-# Dance flower... #

# Like that

# Stepper

# On the little, little dance floor

# Pick up the crew in the area

# When you love me like that... #

-Cut!

-What?

Let's have a sing-along.

# There she was just walking down the street, singing

# Doo-wah-diddy Diddy-dum-diddy-doo

# Popping her fingers and shuffling her feet, singing

# Doo-wah-diddy Diddy-dum-diddy-doo

# She looked good

# Looked good... #

How? How does she look good? LAUGHTER

She's shuffling her feet and clicking her fingers.

She's like that.

APPLAUSE

How does that look good? What a load of bollocks.

# Where did you come from? Where did you go?

# Where did you come from, Cotton Eye Joe...? #

-Brian Potter.

-Colin, baby, I thought it were you. How are you?

I've not seen you for donkey's years.

I hope your money's not gone up.

How are you keeping? Last time I saw you in Barracuda Club.

-There you were in a double act with, what's her name?

-Minnie Haha.

Minnie Haha, yeah.

Not laughing now, is she? Lost her leg to diabetes, poor cow.

-Anyway, I've got Trigger now.

-Yeah, you have. She's a beauty. Yeah.

Sorry, he. Christ, nearly had my eye out. Blooming hell.

Would you mind if I put him in that other room over there?

-It's pissing down outside.

-It's pissing down in here,

and shitting on 40 grand's worth of cork floor.

And you both... No, you can forget it.

Get out, then. Get away from me.

He doesn't change, does he?

-No. Stick him in the Pennine Suite. He'll never know.

-Right.

Let's see what happened a few days ago,

when Geraldine made an emotional journey back home.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Fix You by Coldplay

CHEERING Look at this.

All the children are out. All the children are out!

They've all got my face.

They've all got my face. Look at this.

CHEERING

Now, I don't know if you know, but I used to go to this school.

I used to sit down there when I was a little boy.

Would anybody like to ask me anything?

You, son.

Have you got a dick?

# Tell my ma when I go home

# The boys won't leave the girls alone

# Pulled my hair They stole my comb

# And that's all right till I go home

# She is handsome She is pretty

# She's the belle of Belfast City

# She is courting One, two, three

# Please won't you tell me who is she? #

Look what they've done.

What are they like?

Oh, sure, we're just so proud of her.

We don't care if it's a man or a woman, I'm telling you.

All the best, Geraldine. You go in and you do us proud.

-You win it, girl.

-CAR HORN HONKS

'Everybody has been so supportive,

'which I've found funny because, before I was in the competition,'

people wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire...

That's me.

..and now I believe they would.

MUSIC: Mama by Spice Girls

I called to see my mummy while I was home, which wasn't easy,

as we've not really seen eye-to-eye for a long time now.

'I don't want to know a thing about it. Not one thing.

'I finished with that boy when I found him in his daddy's shed'

wearing a "Cross your heart, lift and separate."

Now, that sent my Joe to an early grave, that did.

Well, that and the...the HIV.

< I don't want to see her!

No. She is no son of mine.

# I didn't mean to be so bad...

The last 12 months have been so tough for me,

and I've lost so much in finding myself,

my friends, my family,

and my penis.

That's why I can't lose this competition.

# Every day is so wonderful

# Then suddenly it's hard to breathe

# I am beautiful no matter what they say

# Yes, words can't bring me down

# I am beautiful in every single way... #

And, if I win, I'll be doing it for one person,

and that'll be me, Geraldine,

cos she's all I've got left.

# Oh

# So don't you bring me down today. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HORSE SNORTS

Are you a pet man? Do you have pets at home?

No, we had a dog once called Oscar...

but nothing since.

-Nothing since?

-Nothing since, no.

-I'm scared to ask what happened.

Oh, he got attacked by some other dogs.

-That happens all the time.

-Yeah.

There was a horrendous one this morning on the news -

a guide dog being attacked.

It were a bit of a thing, Oscar, he used to get his lipstick out

and walk around t'front room - I think you know what I'm saying.

You know when they get fruity, and they can't help it?

-LAUGHS:

-He doesn't understand that.

-Pardon? Dogs' lipstick.

-Eamonn?

-Cosmetics? I don't...

There's doggy coats, doggy cosmetics?

Yeah, lipsticks.

You know when they get their lipsticks out? Eamonn?

-Dogs' lipsticks?

-What, are they gay dogs?

Whoa, hang on a minute. Come on.

-Some of my best friends are KAY.

-Yes?

Me Uncle Tony, me Auntie Jean.

No, it's... I'll tell you later.

Well, now, I know...

I know, with her, it's something dirty.

-I know that's...

-Have you got a pen? I'll draw it.

Have you got a lipstick? I'll show it.

I'll get on me hind legs, and walk round...

-Have you got a lipstick?

-You see, the thing about her is...

-Don't let him do that.

-Come on.

-It's like this.

-I've no idea what he's talking about.

You got a...? Anyone got a lipstick?

-No idea.

-Go on.

-What is he doing?

-That's what they used t'do. Used to do that

at t'middle of Quantum Leap. Every Tuesday night.

-Can we have make-up on the floor, please?

-I need lipstick.

Make-up on the floor. Make up, chop!

Have we got a make-up artist? She's crying here, she's running.

-Come on.

-If this is anything you're embarrassing me with,

or going to let me down in public.

-What?

-What?!

-I can't explain it...

You must have had a dog. Have you ever had a dog?

-I've never had a dog.

-You must...

You know about dogs, don't you?

-Come here, let me tell you.

-I don't really do animals.

-Come here.

-What? I have a microphone, be careful.

-You might get flu.

-It's a dog's lipstick...

It's... You know what I mean?

-Come on, it's his...

-Right, anyway...

-Anyway.

-..what's the next story?

You've got children, man. You've got children.

How did that happen?

Way! Got it. Go on.

Oh, God.

-Before we go any further...

-What camera are we on?

..we don't want any old, mucky talk.

Zoom in, zoom in.

-Oh, don't look at this.

-Zoom in on that.

Hang on, wrong way.

THEY LAUGH

That...

is a lipstick, ladies and gentlemen.

We had a little discussion last time I was on, last year,

about a dog's lipstick.

Eamonn didn't know what I was on about.

I don't know if that might enlighten you somehow.

I'm not a vet...

..just saying.

-Don't...

-She's crying again now.

She's crying again.

HORSE GULPS

-You can't go to work like that.

-What?

What are you going to do to do? Look at the state of you.

I'll just have a quick shower in the disabled bogs, it'll be fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're laughing, missy,

but when I go, that'll be it - finito-binito.

We're a dying breed.

There'll always be fish,

-but there won't always be fish-fongers.

-Who?

There'll always be fish... Uh-huh.

There's an horse in the Jocky Wilson Suite.

-Yeah, right. FROM OTHER ROOM:

-Look at the size of it.

-Come on, quick.

-Typical Yorkshire.

-Get me in.

HORSE GRUNTS ANGRILY

There you are. Told you.

HORSE WHINNIES ANGRILY

-What's up with it?

-What's up with it?

It's... It's pissed, that's what's up with it.

Get Colin Bibby. Let go of me.

-How do you know?

-I don't know - I know a pissed horse when I see one.

Get it a kebab.

I tell you what, I would not want to be a woman.

They're only good for two things - cooking and pffff...

can't shift... That moved.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God.

What's he doing?

-Kenny, pull it off.

-You what?

I'm not pulling off a horse.

We've not got a licence for this.

Kenny, get the mop.

You better get in there,

all hell's breaking loose.

Who's taught him that?

HE YELPS

MUFFLED THREATS

-KAYLEIGH:

-Don't look. No eye contact.

Hurry up. Hurry up, love, move forward.

KAYLEIGH HUMS, THREATS CONTINUE

MUFFLED THREATS BLEEP off, will you,

for BLEEP's sake, you psychopath.

MUSIC: Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen

CHEERING

# When you let me in I want to be your friend

# I want to guard your dreams and visions

# Just wrap your legs round these velvet rims

# And strap your hands 'cross my engines

# Together we could break this trap

# We'll run til we drop and, baby, we'll never go back

# Whoa Someday, girl, I don't know when

# We're going to get to that place

# Where we really want to go

# And we'll walk in the sun

# But tramps like us

# Baby, we were born to ruuuun

# Baby, we were born to ruuuun

# Baby, we were born...

# Baby, we were born... #

# Born free

# And life is worth living

# But only worth living

# Cos you're born free... #

# Nelson Mandela

# Free, free, free

# Nelson Mandela

# 21 years in captivity

# Shoes too small to fit his feet

# His body abused but his mind is free

# Are you so blind that you cannot see?

# Free Nelson Mandela

# Free Nelson Mandela... #

# Ella, ella, ella eh, eh, eh

# Under my umbrella ella, ella, eh, eh, eh

# Under my umbrella ella, ella, eh, eh, eh

# Under my umbrella ella, ella, eh, eh, eh, eh... #

# Hey, boy sittin' in your tree

# Mummy always wants you to come for tea

# Don't be shy, straighten up your tie

# Get down from your treehouse sittin' in the sky

# Got to let me in Hey, hey, hey

# Let the fun begin

# Hey

# I'm the wolf today Hey, hey, hey

# I'll huff, I'll puff

# I'll huff, I'll puff I'll blow you away

# Say you won't Say you'll do what I don't

# You you're true Say to me

# C'est la vie

# Say you will, say you won't

# Say you'll do what I don't

# Say you're true, say to me

# C'est la vie... #

Whoo! Here we go.

FIDDLES PLAY

# Say you will, say you won't

# Say you'll do what I don't

# Say you're true, say to me

# Want to say c'est la vie

# Say you will, say you won't

# Say you'll do what I don't

# Say you're true, say to me

# C'est la vie... #

# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard... #

SHE BLOWS WHISTLE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE