Episode 4 Peter Kay's Comedy Shuffle

This programme contains some strong language

An ice cream van trundles its tuneful way along a British street.

ICE CREAM VAN MUSIC PLAYS

Is this once familiar sight in danger of extinction?

Has the ice age had its day?

Are ice cream men now dinosaurs

roaming desolate streets in search of man?

Out the way, move out the way!

BANG, SMASH

That weren't my fault, you should have moved!

I bet you think those girls are gorgeous.

Oh, there is only one lady in my life.

-But what if you could go out with any girl in the world?

-I love you.

I'm offering you Kelly Brook on a plate here!

-Not interested.

-Tess Daly.

-No.

I won't get upset, it's only a game.

Claire from work.

BACKGROUND MUSIC STOPS

HE MUTTERS CONTENTEDLY

HE SIGHS

Oh, aye.

APPLAUSE

My Big Fat Gypsy Weddings, what's all that about?

LAUGHTER

I cant watch it for people texting me.

"Get this on, Jesus Christ, oh, my God,

"are you watching this? Turn it on."

POSH NARRATOR'S VOICE: "The boys go to the Appleby Fair

"to try and find love."

TRAVELLER ACCENT: "Well, we go up to the Appleby Fair, like,

"and we see a girl and we grab them, we grab them."

"You grab them? What do you mean, you grab them?"

-"Well, you know, we

-BLEEP

-chin them, like, and that's love."

Oh, yeah, that's romance, that(!)

"There's one over there..." Face pixelled out.

"I think I'll have that one there."

"Come on, I'll grab you, come on, come on!

"Grab them, come on! Come on, you're mine! Grab them!"

Bang! Like that. "She loves me."

LAUGHTER

"How did you get on?" "I grabbed three, winded one, punched two."

"Do you respect women?" "Well, you know.... You know."

That's Bess with t'dresses.

"I've been making dresses for the travelling community 20 years

"and I don't reveal my prices.

"Look at little Roisin, she has drawn her dress

"for her Holy Communion in pink crayon."

She looks like a pink meringue!

"The dress weighs more than Roisin, she's five."

HE BREATHES RASPINGLY

"I'm a princess, I'm a princess."

AS NARRATOR: "They get back to the caravan and take the dress off."

"Oh, my God. All your skin's come off your back, Roisin.

"All your skin's come off your back!

"Get the Vaseline, get the Vaseline."

Robert Edge is Mr Softy Top.

On the streets of Bolton, where he has been dispensing

ice cream for most of his life, he is known as Softy.

The arse has fallen out of this business.

Nobody wants ice creaming any more.

Today it's all bloody Ben & Jerry and Haagen-Dazs.

Who in their right mind would want to queue for a cornet

in the piss rain when they can get one out the Spar any time they like?

You're joking, he is power-mad, wants to destroy us.

I used to have a boss, supervisor, just like Lard,

when I worked at Walkers. Right piece of work.

We had all booked to go on a Christmas meal,

me and a few of the lads.

We got a coach to pick as up from the Albion, three-course meal,

all-in, coffee, mints, cheeseboard, disco after, dancing.

PETER BEGINS TO LAUGH

-Anyway...

-OTHERS BURST OUT LAUGHING

Cut. Cut!

-ON TV:

-'..reserve, and dignity, and modesty, as she is...'

Here he is, right on time.

Oh, I wouldn't have worn that white bowtie.

-Does he know it clashes?

-And that stick. What's that stick for?

Look at Harry. Stand up straight, boy!

-Walk straight.

-Walk straight, Harry.

Stooped when he walks, he's got to be moon-shouldered.

He's shitting or what, that lad.

-Here she is.

-Oh, look at Kate.

-Oh, that's lovely, that.

You know what it's like? A fairytale.

It is. They will love this in America.

What do you reckon - nine, ten grand, this cost?

HE LAUGHS

-Oh...

-Look at that.

It's nice, that.

-You getting emotional?

-I am. I'm getting emotional.

-I never knew you were a royalist.

-I'm not, it's just nice!

TRIUMPHANT FANFARE

"Please welcome Diversity!"

THEY LAUGH

She signs the registrar and then Seal is doing a song.

You're lying. Seal!

Kiss from a Rose. Kiss from a Rose, from Batman, he is singing.

OTHER MAN LAUGHS

Look at 'em. YAWNING: Love's young dream.

-Oh, what?

-His father's Errol Brown, from Hot Chocolate, that fella.

# Strong deliverer, strong deliverer... #

I don't mind Camilla. I feel sorry for her.

# Be thou still, my strength and shield... #

-Coming out now.

-Here we go.

-Oh.

Leave it there, that's all right. That's fine, mate.

Here, quick, grab Philip.

APPLAUSE

CROWD ROARS

LAUGHTER

Did you watch the wedding?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Wasn't it absolutely beautiful?

Lovely bridesmaids, lovely dress.

Lovely cake shaped like a horse and carriage.

LAUGHTER

I'm not talking about the royal wedding,

I'm talking about My Big Fat Gypsy Royal Wedding,

that's what I'm talking about!

Hey, I bet Kate Middleton were kicking herself that she

didn't have her wedding reception in a dog shelter.

I tell you that now. Oh-ho-ho.

Did you see that? Them girls.

TRAVELLER ACCENT: "I want those, take the cats and dogs off the windows.

"Take the cats and dogs off the windows, they're tacky.

"It's tacky. I want a 20ft love heart...

"with our initials in the middle."

No, that's not tacky, is it, love(?)

And that dress! She couldn't get down

-the

-BLEEP

-aisle in it, honest to God!

" # Make me a channel of your peace...# "

Boom-boom-boom.

" # It is in pardoning... # "

Boom-boom-boom. "Sorry, sorry."

Dragging all t'benches with her!

" # All that I am... # "

Boom-boom-boom.

"It's disco time and the younger generation

"of the travelling community hit the dance floor."

LAUGHTER

13-year-old girl in G-string and bra, like that.

"There's one there, grab her, grab her!

"Come on, grab her. There she is, grab her, get her.

"Grab her, come here!

"Come here!

"Love you."

Who said romance were dead?

Times are hard for Softy Top and, these days,

he will stop at nothing to make ends meet.

I can't believe you're doing this again.

Simmer. Where there's tragedy, there's trade.

I've got some respect, I've not got me chimes on, have I?

Eh? Life, young Darren, is risk.

Come on, we might shift some of these flakes.

Get your hand off there. What do you want?

-Can I have two Wispas...?

-Can't park here, mate.

-What? Two Wispas, Darren.

-You can't park here, mate.

-Why?

Why? You're at the scene of an accident.

-That's me house, I live there.

-Aye, and I'm Bob Carolgees.

Now, come on, get it shifted.

Thanks very much(!) Right, what do you want?

-Can I have a funny face?

-Oi!

-What?

-What have I told you?

-If I don't sell ice creams, I don't pay taxes.

If I don't pay taxes, you don't get a wage.

You're out of a job - it's simple.

This is a police state, this.

I'm glad you're here, you have another Rodney King on your hands.

Zip it, mouth!

Zip it.

Little bit of mist is going to roll in from the Irish Sea, as

we head towards the early hours of the morning, and I am smiling

-because you know what's going to happen.

-LAUGHTER

Overnight temperatures...

Roasting, it's absolutely....

It's muggy, it's very close, very clammy tonight.

Say what you see for tomorrow.

Manchester, 3 in Ramsbottom and 1 in Liverpool.

Well, that's the wind.

-Oh, that's the wind.

-Sunshine.

-Sunshine is 6.

No, no, that's the wind again.

-Oh.

-But this is the sunshine.

-There you go.

-That is the story.

-That's where we live.

-Yep.

It's going to be dry and fine all the way through.

Top temperature tomorrow afternoon, wait for it -

-27, which is what?

-Woo!

Which is what?

It's three times that, innit? And something else.

80. Well done.

80! Oh, there'll be no Arctic roll left in Asda.

-LAUGHING:

-Back to you.

-Well done.

Anyway, he said we couldn't go, just like that.

Said we had to clock off at our normal time.

He knew we'd had it booked for months an' all.

Made us clock off at our normal time.

ALL LAUGH

If you don't like those charts,

this might be the one that you like...

SHE SNIGGERS

You can see that the warm air is moving out of the way,

and the cool air is coming back in, so that makes more sense too.

Hi! It's roasting, Diane!

-Well, you just do it then.

-It's roasting outside!

-You know...

-Everybody is so happy.

..I am going to come to one of your concerts and...

Climb on your knees. God love Dianne Oxberry, God love her.

-Mmm. You've made it sunshine for everybody.

-I have, for once.

He wouldn't let us clock off early.

He knew we'd had it booked, for months,

and he made us clock off at our normal time.

I used to have a supervisor just like Lard

when I worked at sup... When I worked at Walkers, supervisor.

-Sorry.

-LAUGHTER

I used to have a supervisor just like Lar...

HE LAUGHS

I'm really sorry, I can't help it, they were laughing.

This is funny, this.

In the dressing room.

An act come in, I was sharing a dressing room with this act.

And he come in and put his bag in front of t'heater,

little heater on t'wall.

And this is where I got the idea for Brian from, this.

And it blew back, this heater.

There was a guy singing, welder by day, Neil Diamond by night,

you know? And he's singing...

# Don't go changing to try... #

I'll stand up for this, can I?

-Do you mind?

-No, no.

I'll go here cos you won't see.

LAUGHTER

# Don't go changing to try and please me

# You never... #

I'm in t'dressing room.

He puts his bag down and heat blows back - bang - all the lights go.

You could hear the compere, he runs down - "What have you done?!"

He said, "You've put your bag in front of the heater.

"You've blown the lights, you've blown the lights!"

And he ran on stage, grabbed the microphone off the singer

and went, "Marion? Marion? Are them cash tills still on, there?

"Are they still on?" She went, "Yeah!" He went, "Right."

That's all he were bothered about - money.

LAUGHTER

Threw it back to this guy, he went...

# I need to know that you will always... #

-He didn't miss a beat!

-Brilliant.

God love him.

Me father was a great ice cream man.

I'm good, but he were great, you know?

He knew all about tradition. He'd be out all weathers -

rain, hail, snow -

it never bothered him. Everybody loved him. Very sad when he died.

What do you think made him so special?

Well, for a kickoff, he actually liked kids.

-And you don't?

-No. No.

They make this job a misery, kids, bane of my life.

Know what they used to do to me dad?

They used to slap the back of his ice cream van, right,

and then lay down in the road.

He'd brake, thinking he'd hit them,

they'd be lying there pretending to be in agony,

he'd be handing them free Mini Milks through the serving hatch.

They did that to him for years.

He fell for it every time.

That were his problem - lovely man, soft as shite.

They won't do that to me though.

I hear a bang on the back of the van and I see 'em

lying in the street, I tell you something, they better get the power

back in their legs before I reverse

or it'll be bye-bye Sunday football. Bastards.

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you another one.

I used to be an usher, £2.40 an hour and all the sweets I could eat.

I used to tell people endings of films as they were coming in.

I'd say, "There you go."

I used to rip tickets and thread them through a needle.

Had to go on a course.

And I'd tell them endings of films, I'd say,

"There you go, two for six cence.

"Didn't think Bruce Willis would be a ghost. Enjoy the film."

But once we had a guy come in, one Saturday afternoon, he had a...

God love him, he came in and said,

"I don't feel very well. I think I'm going to have a fit."

And I went, "Oh, God, oh, God."

And he came in, we put him in t'corner and he lay down,

they went and got the manager, and the projectionist Alan -

he were in the job club.

He were the only partially-sighted dwarf projectionist

I ever met in me life - he had a pair of binoculars and a stool.

Oh, he were a diamond.

They went and got him, they came down and saw to this man,

put him in the recovery position.

What are you doing to this poor man?

No, I'm telling him, now, listen...

And then, we had 200 kids in Toy Story.

So I said, "What are we going to do?

"Cos if they pile out and see him here, there will be pandomonium."

They had rang for t'ambulance. So the manager said, "Get that!"

And it were a 6ft cardboard cutout of Flipper.

And they carried it over and sat it in front of him.

All the kids come out, you know, and I said,

"Oh, God, you can't do that. That's awful."

And t'paramedics came and said, "Where is he?" I said, "Over there.

"Behind Flipper." You could just see his head.

-So... Oh, no.

-We shouldn't...

No, you shouldn't laugh at it.

-We're not laughing at him.

-We're not.

-We're laughing at Flipper.

Flipper.

Don't look at anybody else.

JUSTIN SNIGGERS

Shut up, for fu...

-Action.

-Three-course meal, all-in.

Cheese...board, coffee...

OTHERS LAUGH

All right, come on. Come on now, this is it.

Action.

-Well, what are we going to do?

-I don't know.

HIS VOICE WAVERS

HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH

I'm all right.

-You know Joyce Chung on checkouts?

-Husband's a wrestler.

-Well, she says he is. Have you seen him?

-Yeah.

-He's massive.

-Huge, sumo.

Is he a sumo wrestler?

Yeah, of course. Have you seen the size of him?

I've never seen in his costume.

I've not seen in his costume but I know he's a sumo wrestler.

-Built like a brick shithouse.

-Anyway, I've got a bit of a problem.

I really need to book the second week of September off...

-Yeah?

-..Joyce Chung's already got it off.

-Yeah?

-It's really, really vital that I have that week off.

-Why?

Well, I've told her I'm having an ingrown toenail taken out,

but I'm actually going to Corfu.

-You've told who this?

-Joyce Chung, she won't swap with me.

Is there anything you can do?

I have nothing to do with holidays and admin and all that.

-What are you asking me for?

-Well, you're pally-pally with HR.

What do you mean, I'm pally-pally? I'm, I don't...

deal with holidays and all that.

Speak to Cath Hilton, she'll sort you out.

-Well, I've asked Cath Hilton.

-And what'd she say?

Well, she quizzed me a bit because I used that excuse last year.

Ho-ho! There you go. This is your lies tripping you up.

-I've told you about this before.

-I know.

Well, at first I said thrush and she just gave me some yoghurt.

Why would you do that?!

She caught me on the hop!

-What are you hopping around with thrush for?

-Oh, please.

-Please what?!

-I've booked it, I can't get out of it now.

-Who's ever had a week off for thrush?

-What would you say?

-I wouldn't say thrush.

-What would you say?

-I wouldn't lie, for a kickoff.

-Well, I had to lie

cos I'd already booked the holiday before checking the rota.

What does Joyce want it off for?

SHE SIGHS

She's going back to Japan - her mum's just died.

-Oh, well, something and nothing, innit?

-Exactly.

-I'll lose £175 deposit.

-She's lost her mam.

Well, she's still going to be dead the third week of September.

You can't say that, for the love of Jesus!

-She will be, won't she?

-You've no comparison there.

You've got a family funeral...

Well, if I don't have this holiday this year, I can't go again.

Why not, why can't you go? Sunny weather in November, December.

Because it's the only week I can get to go with our Mandy.

Don't you think I deserve it?

I think I deserve a bloody holiday after driving you in every day.

If you get me the week off, you can come with me.

-I don't want to go to Corfu.

-Why?!

They don't have toilets, just have holes in t'floor.

-It's not 1956, John.

-That's what they have.

-Have you been to Greece?

-I know what goes on in Corfu.

-That doesn't happen any more.

They don't have a proper drainage system.

I know, but it doesn't matter...

Who wants to squat over a hole?

You don't squat over a hole,

-you just have to put your tissue in the bin.

-Eugh.

Which I don't do. I break the rules, put it down the toilet.

I don't care if it blocks.

What kind of an all-inclusive holiday you've got to

put your bloody shit rags in a bin?

I love the Greek people.

-Yamas.

-Same to you.

I don't believe it. I've made a tenner today.

I've paid out more than I've made. It's on its arse, this business.

I tell you, if it weren't for videos, I wouldn't make any money.

-Videos?

-Videos. I rent out videos.

You mean like a mobile video library?

-Yeah, kind of. Only they're not...

-Pornos.

They're not pornos, they're...adult art.

Adult art of a variety. I get them from a bloke

in the Smoked Cherry. It's all good...

Good stuff, you know, quality gear, hot stuff.

-That's why he keeps it in the fridge, you know.

-Very funny.

-What do you think about it, Darren?

-Me?

Whatever floats your boat, innit?

It took me a while to get me head round it at first,

when I had customers coming up and asking for, like, big feasts

and strawberry splits and screwballs.

I didn't know if they wanted porn films

-or something to suck on.

-Or both.

Eh? They're all good though, they're always out.

Beverly Hills Cock.

Eh, Shaving Private Ryan.

Forrest Dump, everyone's a winner, you know?

Very popular with the gents.

Stops them attacking women and keeps me in wafers.

CHEERING

-What would you like to drink?

-What's that blue stuff?

-It is...

Al's... Al-eyes... What's that?

-Alize.

-Alize?

-Yeah.

-Can I have a bit of that, please?

-Course you can, sir.

Bloody hell, this chair's a bit dicky. Like Barbarella, here.

Hang on.

-There you go.

-Oh, thank you.

So, I believe you've got a new DVD out.

-That's right.

-You did your own...

Shite. You did your own...

LAUGHTER

-You did your own tour yourself, didn't you?

-Mmm.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, that's right. Watch out!

AUDIENCE SCREAMS

ALAN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

APPLAUSE

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

ALAN SHOUTS IN HIGH PITCH

It's that chair!

-What did you do?

-What can you do?

We didn't go, we lost...

LAUGHING: Come on.

God.

Action.

PETER GIGGLES

Look at the floor, don't look at me.

JUSTIN LAUGHS UNDER HIS BREATH

-OK, and...

-PETER GIGGLES

All right, OK.

And action.

Well, one of those...

Softy decides that now is the time to unleash his secret weapon.

Double cones. Eh?

"Look, kids, double cones. Twice the ice for half the price."

MUSIC: I'm Your Man by Wham!

The popularity of Softy's double scoop cone has created a problem.

-Ice cream.

-Fridge, where do you think?

We've hardly any left.

-Plenty left, there.

-He's running out of ice cream twice as fast.

-Got raspberry.

-Boxes full of videos.

Serve these, will you? Serve these.

Hurry up.

No ice cream. We've only got one tub left. Jesus wept.

Well, I just told you that.

You'll have to go to the shop.

Quiet, act your age.

-Go to t'shop.

-What do you want?

-Take a 20.

-Six vanilla and get some flakes and all, please.

-How many?

-15.

No, 20, get 20.

Get a receipt and all. Hurry up, hurry up!

437, take 12.

And action.

-What did you do?

-What can you do? Couldn't go, didn't go.

We lost our deposit.

Mr Softy Top has been reduced to rationing the ice cream

-and there's still no sign of Darren.

-Put some ice cream in!

Hey, don't start getting like that with me, love, you've got the same

-as everybody else!

-Well, I'd like some ice cream with me cornet.

There's enough there, why'd you want more?

No-one else has complained.

Hey, you're dripping raspberry all over me counter.

-State of this.

-Don't touch that.

-He's only looking.

You look with your eyes, not your hands. That's why it's on a chain.

There's more raspberry than ice cream! I want me money back!

-Where've you been?

-Coming.

-Yeah, right. Hang on a minute, love.

-What's this - milk?!

-I came as quick as I could.

Looks like it and all. Look at these, eh?

-Mind your language, please.

-They didn't have any flakes.

-I wanted...

I want flakes. I can't make 99s with fucking Crunchies, can I?

-I told you to watch your language.

-Here, have some ice cream!

Have some, eh? You stupid bitch! Oh...fuck off!

Eh? All of you, get out of here!

Fucking don't need this, do I?!

ANGRY SHOUTS

The day has been a disaster for Mr Softy Top.

CHEERING

-# When I wake up

-When I wake up

# Well, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you... #

Yeah, I know.

-# When I go out

-When I go out

# Well, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm going to be the man who goes along with you... #

Who?

-# If I get drunk

-If I get drunk

# Well, I know I'm going to be

# I'm going to be the man who gets drunk next to you... #

Yes, sir!

-# And when I haver

-When I... #

What's haver mean?

# Well, I know I'm going to be

# I'm going to be the man who's havering to you... #

It's on here.

-BOTH:

-# And I would roll 500 miles and I would roll 500 more

# Just to be the man who rolled 1,000 miles

# To fall down at your door

-# When I'm working

-When I'm working

# Well, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm going to be the man who's working hard for you... #

Chaka Khan!

-# And when the money

-When the money

# Comes in for the work I do, I'll pass almost every penny on to you

-# When I come home

-When I come home

# Well, I know I'm going to be

# I'm going to be the man who's coming home to you

-# And when I grow old

-When I grow old

# Well, I know I'm going to be

# I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you

# And I would roll 500 miles and I would roll 500 more

-# Just to be the...

-..man...

-..who...

-..rolls...

-# A...

-..thou...

-..sand...

# ..miles to fall down at your door

-# Da-da-da-da!

-Haba-dab-da

-# Da-da-da-da!

-Haba-dab-da

# Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da

-# Da-da-da-da!

-Haba-dab-da

-# Da-da-da-da!

-Haba-daba-dab-da

# Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da... #

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

Ladies and gentlemen - The Proclaimers!

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

# When I'm lonely

# Well, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you

# And when I'm dreaming

# Well, I know I'm gonna dream

# I'm gonna dream about the time when I'm with you

-# When I go out

-When I go out!

# Well, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you

-# And when I come home

-When I come home!

# Yes, I know I'm gonna be

# I'm gonna be the man who comes back home with you

# I'm gonna be the man who's coming home...

# With you

# But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more

# Just to be the man who walks 1,000 miles to fall down at your door

-# Da-da-da-da!

-Da-da-da-da!

-# Da-da-da-da!

-Da-da-da-da!

# Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da

-# Da-da-da-da!

-Da-da-da-da!

-# Da-da-da-da!

-Da-da-da-da!

# Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da

-# Da-da-da-da!

-Da-da-da-da!

-# Da-da-da-da!

-Da-da-da-da!

# Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da

-# Da-da-da-da!

-Da-da-da-da!

-# Da-da-da-da!

-Da-da-da-da!

# Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da

-# Da-da-da-da!

-Da-da-da-da!

-# Da-da-da-da!

-Da-da-da-da!

# Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da

# Da-da-da-da!

# Bobby Davro!

# Da-da-da-da!

# Bobby Davro!

# Da-da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da

# And I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more

# Just to be the man who walks 1,000 miles to fall down at your door. #

AUDIENCE: Woo!

-Eh?

-I don't like it.

Oh, I love the Welsh.

CHEERING