The Witness Porridge

Nigel Norman Fletcher,

you have been found guilty of the charges brought against you

and it is now my duty

to pass sentence.

DOORS SLAM, BUZZER

Cybercrime is a modern menace.

A man of your obvious ingenuity

and intelligence

might have used his gifts on BEHALF of society.

CLICKING AND BUZZING

Instead...you chose to employ them in a pursuit of self-indulgence,

greed and gain.

CLANGING AND BUZZING

You will now face the consequences and go to prison for five years.

LOUD CLANG

Are you alive or dead?

Dead.

Are you male or female?

-Male!

-That's narrowed it down a bit.

Are you a celebrity chef?

No.

Well, that was a waste of a question.

He's already said he's dead!

Uh, chefs die like the rest of us.

A lot earlier than most with all that rich food.

Are you a film star?

No.

Playing "Who Am I?" are we? I used to be quite a dab hand at this game.

My wife and I whiled away many an hour when we had nothing else to do.

When was this - on your honeymoon?

I'll give you lot a tip.

There might be some cell searches this week,

so just make sure you have nothing in your cell

that shouldn't be there.

Why's that?

The BOV are paying us a surprise visit.

Well, it's not a surprise now you've told us, is it?

I'm just trying to be helpful, Fletcher.

-SHELBY:

-Wait a minute, what's a B-O-V?

-BRAITHWAITE:

-Board Of Visitors, Shelby.

Every so often they do an inspection.

It's a way of guaranteeing your prisoners' rights.

Rights? I weren't aware we had any rights. Were you, lads?

Well, of course you've got rights. And if you have a gripe about them,

it's the sort of thing you take up with the BOV.

-SHELBY:

-Oh, so we'll be able to talk to them?

-BRAITHWAITE:

-I very much doubt it.

Basically, they're a bunch of do-gooders

who poke their noses where they're not wanted.

Professional people, mostly, plus some MP looking for a gong

and a vicar or two.

Yeah. Upside is it winds the screws up

and we get better grub that day.

That's a very cynical point of view, Lotterby.

Well, 30 years inside can do that to you, Mr Braithwaite.

-PARFITT:

-Got a minute, Fletch?

-I've got three years of 'em, Dougie.

I need a word.

Right.

Take over, please, Mr Braithwaite, seeing as you're such a dab hand.

Right! So what do we know so far?

He's dead, he's male and he's not a film star or a cook.

Are you an historical figure?

Yes.

Are you Napoleon?

Oh, bloody heck! How did you work that out?!

I've been thinking. You know I've always liked you, Fletch.

You wanted to kill me a while back.

Yeah, but apart from that, you have my respect.

You're sharp, you've got school smarts, street smarts.

I want you on my team. Official.

Team? Five-a-side?

No, you plum, Team Parfitt.

Look, lads, I'm honoured, obviously.

But you boys are into really naughty stuff.

Smartphones, dope, contraband.

That's not my bag, you know what I'm saying?

That's not what I meant. I've always been hot-headed, Fletch.

I always leap before I look. Wiser heads would prevail.

-I want you to be my wiser head.

-But you've got Scudds.

Don't be daft.

Scudds would hardly be the first fly on a dog turd, if you know what I mean?

-There's nothing up there!

-Only feelings!

I need a restraining hand. A counsel, a... What's the word?

Robert Duvall, Al Pacino.

Consigliere.

Consylairy - I love that word.

Well, look... If you're planning to leave a horse's head on

Mr Meekie's pillow, my advice is DON'T.

Oh, I love that scene. Though it does beg a few questions.

I mean, how comes the geezer never woke up

when someone turned back his bedclothes

and put half a horse in there?

Maybe he's a heavy sleeper.

Or, uh, he had a bad cold and he drank a bottle of Night Nurse and...

Look, I'm trying to make Fletch a serious offer here, you bonehead!

Look, the thing is, I'm not really a team player.

I've always been a, y'know, loner. Ever since I was a kid.

I'm not getting the answer I want here, Fletch.

Remember, you owe me a favour.

All right, Dougie. Look, word of serious advice.

You've got parole coming up, don't blow it.

All the dodgy deals, all the naughty stuff,

cut it all out and lead an unblemished life.

I can't do that.

I'm bad, Fletch. I'm a bad person.

It's in my DNA.

I vouch for that.

He's a borderline sociopath, ain't you, boss?

What, are you suddenly a shrink?!

You're proud of it, you said so.

I don't like people, that's for sure.

Apart from me family, but I hate my brother.

I don't like kids, apart from my sister's.

I'm not too keen on that snotty-nosed pair either.

Quite like dogs. I hate cats.

Whiskers creep me out.

Tried a cage bird?

Budgie. Cat ate it.

That explains a lot.

I never got over losing my pet snake.

You had a snake?

Yeah, it escaped and bit a lollipop lady down the Mile End Road.

Well, did she sue?

No, she died.

DOOR SLAMS, BUZZER

You look stressed, Fletch. You didn't even finish your haddock.

That was haddock?

What's up?

-Dougie Parfitt.

-You got on the wrong side of him?

No, just the opposite.

He wants me in his crew to be his consigliere.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. To get him theatre tickets.

That's CONCIERGE, Shel.

I've got to find a way out of it without mugging him off.

You need to chin someone. You can hit me if you want.

How's that going to help?

Meekie'll have you straight up to the Guv, two weeks down the block.

Solitary's not too bad if you can sneak in a book or two.

The last time I did it, I read two Harry Potters.

Yeah, but when I get out, Dougie'll still be here.

Uh! Maybe the BOV could help.

I mean, it's totally random,

but if they do speak to one of us, well...

-Well, what?

-Well, we'll say Parfitt's a menace,

better for the whole bin if he's in solitary indefinitely.

Good idea, no?

I'm not kicking your idea, Aziz,

but all complaints are passed on to the kangas,

and you can bet your life that one bent one's going to pass it on to Dougie Parfitt.

-Bad idea, then.

-Yeah, but nice try.

Don't worry, guys, I've got to sort this out myself.

How was your lunch?

You never normally ask us that, Mr Meekie.

I'm asking you now.

I think the fish would have been better char-grilled than sauteed

but the Grand Marnier souffle was a triumph.

Are you asking cos of the visit coming up?

Keeping us happy so we won't slag you off to the suits?

There will be no slagging off, Culhane.

You'd be advised to be on your best behaviour

and keep your mouths shut,

and your cells had better be spotless.

That means removing all inappropriate pictures

of an explicit nature.

-SHELBY:

-I resent that, Mr Meekie.

Any inappropriate pictures of an explicit nature in my cell

happen to be of my wife.

From an admirer, Dougie?

Yeah. Bloke on the outside I did a favour for.

He let him live.

That was nice of him.

If you're with me, Fletch, you get treats like this.

Fruit, steaks, Scotch.

Have a kiwi. See, I don't like kiwis.

Have two.

Thanks.

You mulled over my idea about keeping your nose clean yet?

I did, yeah. Only thing is, I'd lose face with my rivals.

There's no serious ones. Nagid, maybe.

He's scum.

It's not who you are in the bin that counts, Dougie,

it's how soon you can get out.

All right. Goes against the grain, though.

What you thinking?

You and Nagid make your peace, come to a deal, whatever.

You might take a slice of the action,

but to all intents and purposes, you're out the game.

I'll broker a meet. Like in the Middle East.

Hopefully without the rockets.

Where?

I was hoping a five-star hotel in Geneva.

Um, how about the chapel? It'd be nice and quiet.

Chapel's full of Holy Joes these days - priests, rabbis, imams.

Bang out of order.

Yeah, people praying in the chapel... Whatever next, eh?

Look, the BOVs are here on Wednesday.

Half the kangas will be showing them round the nick,

so we'll have the recreation area to ourselves.

You see, that's the kind of idea a consigliere comes up with.

-I'm thinking of converting to Islam.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah, you get better grub.

-No, you haven't thought that through, Scuddsy.

As a Muslim you can't eat pork. That means no more bacon in your sarnies.

Not even streaky?

I'm not a threat, I just want a word.

I have a message from Parfitt.

He's scum.

Funnily enough, that's what he called you.

His words, not mine.

Anyway, I believe he wants out.

Doing the business, the deals, the naughty stuff.

He wants to meet so you two can carve it up and shake hands.

OK, make happen. What's your name?

Fletch. And you are...

Nagid. From Doncaster.

Before that, the "old country".

Right. Always wanted to go there.

-Why?

-Well, don't they have beautiful women there?

Only in the mountains.

But if you touch one, her brothers will cut off your testicles.

Oh... Bit like Newcastle.

Hardly worth it, then. But don't you have nice wine there?

Wine tastes like urine of donkey.

Beer tastes like urine of donkey.

Soup is made from...

Urine of donkey?

And the testicles of tourists who touch our women.

Oh. I can see why Doncaster appeals!

The delegation will arrive at 9:30.

After coffee in my office, you can take them on a walkabout.

Try to steer them towards classrooms and workshops.

The art class is a good idea - they're always well behaved.

Very well, but not life drawing.

No-one wants to see some tattooed hoodlum posing with his kit off.

-Will they be staying for lunch, ma'am?

-Probably not.

These people tend to prefer to eat somewhere with a wine list,

but they will INSIST on seeing the kitchens.

We'll have an overnight cleaning crew in, ma'am.

Good. But does anyone know what's on the menu?

-Oh, I'm told it's moussaka.

-SIGHING:

-Isn't that a bit ambitious?

Well, it's only Greek for shepherd's pie, ma'am.

There'll be a vegetarian option, plus a pudding.

-Uh, fire buckets?

-Will be filled.

-Graffiti?

-Will be obliterated,

especially the more obscene requests in the showers.

And the ping-pong table?

Ah, now, it's arrived, but without bats and balls.

-Not necessary, as it will be going back on Thursday.

-Oh.

DOORS SLAM

Is it "going down" tomorrow, as they used to say on Miami Vice?

-That's going back a bit.

-Well, I do go back a bit.

It had the best-looking women on the box.

Except maybe Charlie's Angels.

MIMICS JOE: Well, it's going down tomorrow after lunch.

Don't sweat it, dude. I've got your back.

That... That's what Starsky used to say to Hutch.

-How can you have my back when you're laying down on your bunk?

-I'm with you in spirit.

Well, I've done all the spadework.

Talked to Parfitt, talked to Nagid.

Now all they've got to do is make a deal, have a knuckle bump

and that will be the end of it, done and dusted.

What, you mean two hard-core cons are supposed to kiss and make up

with all this hate and egos,

and you're in the middle of it, Fletch?

You're a prime candidate for a get-well card!

Who said that, Starsky or Hutch?

No, Kojak. Uh, series three.

Incoming prisoners are processed and documented here.

They hand in their clothes and personal possessions and, uh...

then they're taken for a shower through there.

Quite traumatic for them, I imagine.

They should have thought about that before they did what they did.

-So, you work here?

-I'm a trusty.

The position is one of privilege. He's not considered a risk, you see.

Not with my knees.

Mind you, all me other senses still function.

Very nice perfume.

Thank you. And when will you be released?

Why, do you want to fix a date?

-MEEKIE CHORTLES

-That'll do, Lotterby.

This way, please.

-MEEKIE:

-Here we are.

The BOVs are in the room, lads.

They've upgraded the cleric... A bishop!

It was a deacon last time.

What d'you reckon the others are?

Well, I reckon the little one's a Labour MP.

Yeah, hasn't worked out how to fiddle her expenses

and buy herself a decent suit yet.

The bloke in the smart suit looks like something out of the city.

Venture capitalist, maybe. Hedge fund manager.

A rich dick in a Range Rover.

Well, what about the other woman?

Tweed jacket. Smart shoes. Country magistrate, I reckon.

Lives in a house half this nick would kill to burgle.

Ooh! She's clocked us.

Always meat and two veg, is it?

No. Sometimes it's fish and two veg.

-Is that dessert?

-Yes, your grace. Fruit pie.

What kind of fruit?

Oh, I'm not sure, it's, uh...

It comes out of a tin marked "Fruit Pie Filling".

When you've finished your meal, Fletcher,

one of the visitors has requested to see you.

-Me?

-Yes.

One on one?

-Yes.

-To go through a check list, is it? "How is your cell?"

"Pretty basic," tick.

"How is the food?"

"Pretty awful," tick.

"How d'you find the prison officers?"

"Surly and sadistic," tick.

That sort of thing?

It will get back to me, Fletcher.

So you'd be well advised to give a good report.

The do-gooders are only here for three hours,

you are here for three years.

Comprende?

I didn't know you spoke Spanish, Mr Meekie.

I speak for all the prison staff.

Think on, Fletcher, think on.

Si, senor. Vaya con Dios.

DOOR BLEEPS

Here is the prisoner, ma'am. Do you wish me to stay?

No, that won't be necessary.

Very well. I shall leave the door ajar.

Thank you.

-You're Nigel Fletcher.

-Yes, ma'am.

I wanted to have a private word. I'm Caroline Hawley.

Hawley? Are you related to...?

Davina, yes. I'm her mother.

Oh, shhh...

Oh, what are the chances, eh? Small world.

I visit several prisons,

but when I was allocated this one it struck me that you were, um...

-Guest here?

-Yes.

And I was, um...curious to meet the man

who destroyed my daughter's life.

I think that's a bit strong.

Last I heard, she was living in a six-bedroom mansion and driving a Ferrari.

-You led her astray.

-I think we led each other astray, Ms Hawley.

Like the Bonnie and Clyde of the digital era.

-YOU stole the money!

-Well, she helped me spend it!

Nonsense! Davina was an exemplary daughter.

We didn't send her to private school

so she would end up spending her life with the...likes of you!

-Hm. They don't teach loyalty at posh school, do they?

-Oh!

The minute I got collared, she took off with some Argentinian geezer who plays for Man City.

Is she still with him?

No, they've... just split up, actually.

He's been transferred to Middlesbrough.

Middlesbrough? CHORTLES: I'd rather be in here.

I don't detect any regret in your attitude.

Regret?

I never broke the law until I met Davina.

Never so much as nicked a packet of chewing gum.

I'd a lovely life and I chucked it all away.

So, yes, I have a lot of regrets.

Like getting in the middle of things with bad guys I'd rather avoid.

Wasting the best years of my life in a ten-foot cell,

with no soft toilet roll.

You've only yourself to blame.

Yeah. I keep telling meself that.

Anyway, thanks for dropping by.

-And give my regards to Davina.

-I won't.

DOORS SLAM

OK, gentlemen, we all know why we're here.

I think it's in all of our interests

to negotiate a fair and equitable deal.

I want out. You can have my action.

You can have my runners and my lookouts if you like.

What do you want?

30%.

Not unreasonable.

How about I give you zip?

Come again?

Nada. Zilch. Nic.

Well, obviously, there's going to be a bit of ping-pong on the deal.

But we have to start somewhere north of zilch.

Why?

Because that's the way you do things.

Besides, I think Dougie's being more than generous.

Generous to a fault.

You are yesterday's man. I am big face on block now.

I am Nagid.

I bleed the blood of my five fathers.

I think you mean forefathers.

I had five.

You're going to bleed it on that table if you give me that kind of lip.

Let's dial it back from blood on the table.

You are through. You and your hairy-arsed friend.

How d'you know I've got a hairy arse?

What, you've been eyeing me up in the showers?

-No. Scuddsy... Scuddsy, stop.

-Ooh!

Oh, sorry about that.

ALARM RINGS

Ooh!

-DRISCOLL:

-Break it up!

DRISCOLL GRUNTS

So this is our recreation area...

BISHOP: Is this some kind of drill, Governor?

All right. All right, all right!

Break it up! Break it up!

Oh!

-DRISCOLL:

-I'm on it, Mr Meekie!

ALARM CONTINUES

HE GIGGLES

Get your hands off me!

What on earth do you think you're doing?!

I'm trying to save you from a prison riot.

Let me out right now!

No, trust me, Ms Hawley,

you're better in here with me than you are out there with them.

Why would I trust you? You're a common criminal.

No, I'm not. I'm an UNCOMMON criminal.

I'm trying to help you out.

That lot out there would take you hostage and nick your jewellery.

Right. Well, how long d'you think we'll be here?

Dunno. Could be ten minutes. Could be ten hours.

The last riot went on for three days and ended up on the roof.

-What are you like with heights?

-Terrible.

I have vertigo.

All right. Well, just breathe through it.

That's it. Good. Yeah. Go to your happy place.

Going anywhere nice on your holidays?

Yes, St Barts. Leaving on Monday, actually.

Oh, fish hooks, got so much to do.

HE CHUCKLES

What's so funny?

Oh, just then, when you went, "Oh, fish hooks, so much to do!"

Sort of thing Davina used to say. CLATTERING FROM OUTSIDE

-Well, I suppose we do have SOME similarities.

-Mm.

Look, I know it doesn't matter, what's done is done.

But I just want you to know -

this is the worst experience of my life.

Being locked in a cupboard with me?

No, prison.

INMATE GROANS

Anyone else want a piece of me?

This was an extremely regrettable incident.

Especially in front of the bishop and the other visitors.

Well, it was subdued fairly promptly, ma'am

and, uh, without resort to fire hose.

So no-one got wet...

Well, that'll be a great consolation

when I submit my report to the Ministry of Justice.

And what part did you play in all of this, Mr Braithwaite?

-I-I-I was very much in the thick of it, ma'am.

-Mm?

I can vouch for that.

He was with me under the pool table.

Yeah, according to Mr Meekie, you arranged this meeting, Fletcher.

Sort of.

What do you mean, "sort of"? You either did or you didn't.

I was coerced.

But I figured I was doing the prison a favour.

Oh, you'll have to explain that to me.

Well, we all know that Nagid and Parfitt are bad boys.

If they made their peace, less aggro for everyone, cons and kangas alike.

I see myself as one of those peacekeepers for the UN.

You know, the ones with the pretty blue berets.

But you did see exactly what happened?

It was all a bit of a blur, ma'am.

But I do remember Mr Meekie wading in

without a thought for his own safety.

-How's the broken nose, sir?

-Don't be facetious.

It does look very nasty.

Perhaps I should get Senior Officer Sawbrick to take over your duties.

He has a ruptured spleen, ma'am.

It was an accident. He walked right into it.

Oh, what's the word?

The Governor's holding an official inquiry.

She knows I brokered the meet

and she knows I know who did what to who and who did it first.

So you're witness for the prosecution?

Exactly.

If I point out Dougie, he might do serious solitary,

but when he gets out, dire retribution will follow.

Same with Nagid.

If I keep shtoom, the Governor will put time on my stretch.

I'm completely snookered.

I mean, what have I done to deserve this, Joe?

Well... You hacked into computers to fraudulently access credit cards

so that you could go on a spending binge

with a posh bird called Davina.

It's not rocket science.

What if she refers it to an outside court?

Well, then you get a day out.

And you can wear that fancy suit you came here in.

I thought you had my back.

That doesn't sound very Starsky to my Hutch!

I know I can rely on you, Fletch.

Now... Drawing on the vast reservoir of my experience,

I'd say this to you, Fletch...

Faced with a moral dilemma - which you are -

I would always tell the truth.

-You would?

-I would, yes.

Well, unless, of course, you can save your arse

by lying through your teeth.

These proceedings are now in session. Call the first witness.

I call Nigel Norman Fletcher.

State your name!

You just said it.

State your name.

Nigel Norman Fletcher.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

I do.

As we understand it, you set up a meeting between Nagid Dragoti

and Douglas Parfitt.

-I did.

-To what end?

They were rivals.

I sought to broker a reconciliation

in the interests of harmony and stability for us all.

So, you were there when the violence erupted?

No, sir.

MEN ALL TALK AT ONCE

Then where were you?

It's on the record. I was under the pool table.

But presumably you ducked under there

after the first blow was struck,

which you therefore must have witnessed.

Well, I was standing there, but, um, I was feeling faint.

Yeah. It always happens to me in times of violence,

I come over all dizzy.

But the violence hadn't started.

No, but I could sense it in the air. Prison does that to you.

But I don't know who hit who first.

I should remind you that there are serious consequences

if you lie under oath.

Who struck the first blow?

FLETCHER SIGHS Hmm...

I did.

YOU did?

I jabbed Nagid in the belly with a pool cue.

So, we have an admission, your honour. Governor!

Are you sure this is how it happened, Fletcher?

Yes, Governor. Bang to rights.

That's not how it was. He never hurt Nagid.

He's lying to protect me, cos that's the kind of bloke Fletch is!

So, it was you who threw the first punch?

Yeah. It was me. I did it.

I smashed Nagid round the head and I perforated his eardrum.

What? What did he say?

INMATES ALL SQUABBLE

Quiet, all of you!

All right, all right. Look, everyone, please, calm down,

this is getting completely out of control.

Listen, Scuddsy, sit down, you know you can't do solitary -

you're frightened of the dark.

Governor... The facts of the case are simple.

I struck the first blow and caused this whole affray.

Now, sling me down the hole and throw away the key.

Can anyone lend me Harry Potter?

DOOR SLAMS

BUZZER

Move yourself, Fletcher.

Already?

The Governor's had a change of heart. Don't ask me why.

But I'm halfway through Goblet Of Fire.

Are you alive or dead?

Alive.

Male or female?

-Male.

-Have you got big ears?

What a waste of a question.

Why does it matter what size his ears are?

Well, it matters to me.

I have, actually.

Are you Big Ears?

No.

Oh! Uh, Dumbo!

No.

-BRAITHWAITE:

-Gary Lineker.

-He's done it again.

-Oh!

-Ooh!

-SCUDDS:

-Ladies...

This is for you, Fletch. Fortnum and Mason.

I ate the strawberries, I couldn't help myself.

No worries, Dougs.

Was I right or was I right to make this man my consigliere?

You were right. Double right.

That was a lovely piece of consigliglierying you did

at the hearing.

Yeah, created chaos, confusion and, uh...

There's another word out there, what is it?

Obfuscation.

That'll do.

They was all obfusced, that's for sure.

Yeah, well. They won't be happy they didn't smoke us, Dougie.

They'll want payback.

That's why I think it's probably best I step aside

from my consigliere duties for the time being, know what I'm saying?

Maybe you're right. You lie low for a bit.

Well done.

You were great, Fletch. You're a ledge.

HE GROANS

It weren't tactical genius, Scuddsy, I wanted to go down.

I thought a month in the hole was the only way I could get out of this mess.

-I've still no idea why they let me out.

-Fletcher...

-Hello, Mr Meekie.

-Another situation you've wriggled out of.

You seem to be very adept at wriggling.

I'm just trying to survive, Mr Meekie.

And I'm not out of the woods yet, with Nagid still on the block.

Bad news for me and bad news for you.

Oh, he's going.

You what?

He has been transferred at the recommendation of Mrs Hawley.

Ah! The woman whose aid I heroically ran to during the fracas.

Well, she seems quite taken with you.

I can't think why.

Well, we used to run in the same circles.

You know, country house weekends,

-grouse shoots, polo matches, that sort of thing.

-Mm.

That'll explain why you're out the hole early

and there's a present from her in your cell.

-There is?

-Yeah, see for yourself.

But Fletcher...

Even though you have friends in high places, just you remember -

I'll still be breathing down your neck

because I know, deep, deep down in my gut, that you're at it.

That sounds painful. You want to get that looked at.

What on earth's this?!

I've no idea. Screw shoved it in a while ago.

Maybe it's that 60ft ladder you ordered from Amazon.

Sort of the wrong shape.

-My!

-What is it?

Looks like a lifetime supply of soft toilet roll!

Wa-hey!