The Witness Porridge


The Witness

Sitcom. Dougie Parfitt wants Fletch to join his crew. But when Fletch tries to broker a peace with Dougie's arch-rival, things don't quite go to plan.


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Transcript


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Nigel Norman Fletcher,

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you have been found guilty of the charges brought against you

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and it is now my duty

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to pass sentence.

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DOORS SLAM, BUZZER

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Cybercrime is a modern menace.

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A man of your obvious ingenuity

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and intelligence

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might have used his gifts on BEHALF of society.

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CLICKING AND BUZZING

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Instead...you chose to employ them in a pursuit of self-indulgence,

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greed and gain.

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CLANGING AND BUZZING

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You will now face the consequences and go to prison for five years.

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LOUD CLANG

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Are you alive or dead?

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Dead.

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Are you male or female?

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-Male!

-That's narrowed it down a bit.

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Are you a celebrity chef?

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No.

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Well, that was a waste of a question.

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He's already said he's dead!

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Uh, chefs die like the rest of us.

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A lot earlier than most with all that rich food.

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Are you a film star?

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No.

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Playing "Who Am I?" are we? I used to be quite a dab hand at this game.

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My wife and I whiled away many an hour when we had nothing else to do.

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When was this - on your honeymoon?

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I'll give you lot a tip.

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There might be some cell searches this week,

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so just make sure you have nothing in your cell

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that shouldn't be there.

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Why's that?

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The BOV are paying us a surprise visit.

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Well, it's not a surprise now you've told us, is it?

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I'm just trying to be helpful, Fletcher.

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-SHELBY:

-Wait a minute, what's a B-O-V?

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-BRAITHWAITE:

-Board Of Visitors, Shelby.

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Every so often they do an inspection.

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It's a way of guaranteeing your prisoners' rights.

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Rights? I weren't aware we had any rights. Were you, lads?

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Well, of course you've got rights. And if you have a gripe about them,

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it's the sort of thing you take up with the BOV.

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-SHELBY:

-Oh, so we'll be able to talk to them?

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-BRAITHWAITE:

-I very much doubt it.

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Basically, they're a bunch of do-gooders

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who poke their noses where they're not wanted.

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Professional people, mostly, plus some MP looking for a gong

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and a vicar or two.

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Yeah. Upside is it winds the screws up

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and we get better grub that day.

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That's a very cynical point of view, Lotterby.

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Well, 30 years inside can do that to you, Mr Braithwaite.

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-PARFITT:

-Got a minute, Fletch?

-I've got three years of 'em, Dougie.

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I need a word.

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Right.

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Take over, please, Mr Braithwaite, seeing as you're such a dab hand.

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Right! So what do we know so far?

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He's dead, he's male and he's not a film star or a cook.

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Are you an historical figure?

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Yes.

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Are you Napoleon?

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Oh, bloody heck! How did you work that out?!

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I've been thinking. You know I've always liked you, Fletch.

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You wanted to kill me a while back.

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Yeah, but apart from that, you have my respect.

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You're sharp, you've got school smarts, street smarts.

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I want you on my team. Official.

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Team? Five-a-side?

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No, you plum, Team Parfitt.

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Look, lads, I'm honoured, obviously.

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But you boys are into really naughty stuff.

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Smartphones, dope, contraband.

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That's not my bag, you know what I'm saying?

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That's not what I meant. I've always been hot-headed, Fletch.

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I always leap before I look. Wiser heads would prevail.

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-I want you to be my wiser head.

-But you've got Scudds.

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Don't be daft.

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Scudds would hardly be the first fly on a dog turd, if you know what I mean?

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-There's nothing up there!

-Only feelings!

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I need a restraining hand. A counsel, a... What's the word?

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Robert Duvall, Al Pacino.

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Consigliere.

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Consylairy - I love that word.

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Well, look... If you're planning to leave a horse's head on

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Mr Meekie's pillow, my advice is DON'T.

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Oh, I love that scene. Though it does beg a few questions.

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I mean, how comes the geezer never woke up

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when someone turned back his bedclothes

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and put half a horse in there?

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Maybe he's a heavy sleeper.

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Or, uh, he had a bad cold and he drank a bottle of Night Nurse and...

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Look, I'm trying to make Fletch a serious offer here, you bonehead!

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Look, the thing is, I'm not really a team player.

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I've always been a, y'know, loner. Ever since I was a kid.

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I'm not getting the answer I want here, Fletch.

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Remember, you owe me a favour.

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All right, Dougie. Look, word of serious advice.

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You've got parole coming up, don't blow it.

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All the dodgy deals, all the naughty stuff,

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cut it all out and lead an unblemished life.

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I can't do that.

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I'm bad, Fletch. I'm a bad person.

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It's in my DNA.

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I vouch for that.

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He's a borderline sociopath, ain't you, boss?

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What, are you suddenly a shrink?!

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You're proud of it, you said so.

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I don't like people, that's for sure.

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Apart from me family, but I hate my brother.

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I don't like kids, apart from my sister's.

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I'm not too keen on that snotty-nosed pair either.

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Quite like dogs. I hate cats.

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Whiskers creep me out.

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Tried a cage bird?

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Budgie. Cat ate it.

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That explains a lot.

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I never got over losing my pet snake.

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You had a snake?

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Yeah, it escaped and bit a lollipop lady down the Mile End Road.

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Well, did she sue?

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No, she died.

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DOOR SLAMS, BUZZER

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You look stressed, Fletch. You didn't even finish your haddock.

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That was haddock?

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What's up?

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-Dougie Parfitt.

-You got on the wrong side of him?

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No, just the opposite.

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He wants me in his crew to be his consigliere.

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Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. To get him theatre tickets.

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That's CONCIERGE, Shel.

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I've got to find a way out of it without mugging him off.

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You need to chin someone. You can hit me if you want.

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How's that going to help?

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Meekie'll have you straight up to the Guv, two weeks down the block.

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Solitary's not too bad if you can sneak in a book or two.

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The last time I did it, I read two Harry Potters.

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Yeah, but when I get out, Dougie'll still be here.

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Uh! Maybe the BOV could help.

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I mean, it's totally random,

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but if they do speak to one of us, well...

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-Well, what?

-Well, we'll say Parfitt's a menace,

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better for the whole bin if he's in solitary indefinitely.

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Good idea, no?

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I'm not kicking your idea, Aziz,

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but all complaints are passed on to the kangas,

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and you can bet your life that one bent one's going to pass it on to Dougie Parfitt.

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-Bad idea, then.

-Yeah, but nice try.

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Don't worry, guys, I've got to sort this out myself.

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How was your lunch?

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You never normally ask us that, Mr Meekie.

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I'm asking you now.

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I think the fish would have been better char-grilled than sauteed

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but the Grand Marnier souffle was a triumph.

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Are you asking cos of the visit coming up?

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Keeping us happy so we won't slag you off to the suits?

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There will be no slagging off, Culhane.

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You'd be advised to be on your best behaviour

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and keep your mouths shut,

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and your cells had better be spotless.

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That means removing all inappropriate pictures

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of an explicit nature.

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-SHELBY:

-I resent that, Mr Meekie.

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Any inappropriate pictures of an explicit nature in my cell

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happen to be of my wife.

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From an admirer, Dougie?

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Yeah. Bloke on the outside I did a favour for.

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He let him live.

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That was nice of him.

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If you're with me, Fletch, you get treats like this.

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Fruit, steaks, Scotch.

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Have a kiwi. See, I don't like kiwis.

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Have two.

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Thanks.

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You mulled over my idea about keeping your nose clean yet?

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I did, yeah. Only thing is, I'd lose face with my rivals.

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There's no serious ones. Nagid, maybe.

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He's scum.

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It's not who you are in the bin that counts, Dougie,

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it's how soon you can get out.

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All right. Goes against the grain, though.

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What you thinking?

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You and Nagid make your peace, come to a deal, whatever.

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You might take a slice of the action,

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but to all intents and purposes, you're out the game.

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I'll broker a meet. Like in the Middle East.

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Hopefully without the rockets.

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Where?

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I was hoping a five-star hotel in Geneva.

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Um, how about the chapel? It'd be nice and quiet.

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Chapel's full of Holy Joes these days - priests, rabbis, imams.

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Bang out of order.

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Yeah, people praying in the chapel... Whatever next, eh?

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Look, the BOVs are here on Wednesday.

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Half the kangas will be showing them round the nick,

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so we'll have the recreation area to ourselves.

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You see, that's the kind of idea a consigliere comes up with.

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-I'm thinking of converting to Islam.

-Oh, yeah?

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-Yeah, you get better grub.

-No, you haven't thought that through, Scuddsy.

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As a Muslim you can't eat pork. That means no more bacon in your sarnies.

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Not even streaky?

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I'm not a threat, I just want a word.

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I have a message from Parfitt.

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He's scum.

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Funnily enough, that's what he called you.

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His words, not mine.

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Anyway, I believe he wants out.

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Doing the business, the deals, the naughty stuff.

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He wants to meet so you two can carve it up and shake hands.

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OK, make happen. What's your name?

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Fletch. And you are...

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Nagid. From Doncaster.

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Before that, the "old country".

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Right. Always wanted to go there.

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-Why?

-Well, don't they have beautiful women there?

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Only in the mountains.

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But if you touch one, her brothers will cut off your testicles.

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Oh... Bit like Newcastle.

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Hardly worth it, then. But don't you have nice wine there?

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Wine tastes like urine of donkey.

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Beer tastes like urine of donkey.

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Soup is made from...

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Urine of donkey?

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And the testicles of tourists who touch our women.

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Oh. I can see why Doncaster appeals!

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The delegation will arrive at 9:30.

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After coffee in my office, you can take them on a walkabout.

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Try to steer them towards classrooms and workshops.

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The art class is a good idea - they're always well behaved.

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Very well, but not life drawing.

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No-one wants to see some tattooed hoodlum posing with his kit off.

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-Will they be staying for lunch, ma'am?

-Probably not.

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These people tend to prefer to eat somewhere with a wine list,

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but they will INSIST on seeing the kitchens.

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We'll have an overnight cleaning crew in, ma'am.

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Good. But does anyone know what's on the menu?

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-Oh, I'm told it's moussaka.

-SIGHING:

-Isn't that a bit ambitious?

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Well, it's only Greek for shepherd's pie, ma'am.

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There'll be a vegetarian option, plus a pudding.

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-Uh, fire buckets?

-Will be filled.

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-Graffiti?

-Will be obliterated,

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especially the more obscene requests in the showers.

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And the ping-pong table?

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Ah, now, it's arrived, but without bats and balls.

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-Not necessary, as it will be going back on Thursday.

-Oh.

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DOORS SLAM

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Is it "going down" tomorrow, as they used to say on Miami Vice?

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-That's going back a bit.

-Well, I do go back a bit.

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It had the best-looking women on the box.

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Except maybe Charlie's Angels.

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MIMICS JOE: Well, it's going down tomorrow after lunch.

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Don't sweat it, dude. I've got your back.

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That... That's what Starsky used to say to Hutch.

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-How can you have my back when you're laying down on your bunk?

-I'm with you in spirit.

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Well, I've done all the spadework.

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Talked to Parfitt, talked to Nagid.

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Now all they've got to do is make a deal, have a knuckle bump

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and that will be the end of it, done and dusted.

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What, you mean two hard-core cons are supposed to kiss and make up

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with all this hate and egos,

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and you're in the middle of it, Fletch?

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You're a prime candidate for a get-well card!

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Who said that, Starsky or Hutch?

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No, Kojak. Uh, series three.

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Incoming prisoners are processed and documented here.

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They hand in their clothes and personal possessions and, uh...

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then they're taken for a shower through there.

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Quite traumatic for them, I imagine.

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They should have thought about that before they did what they did.

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-So, you work here?

-I'm a trusty.

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The position is one of privilege. He's not considered a risk, you see.

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Not with my knees.

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Mind you, all me other senses still function.

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Very nice perfume.

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Thank you. And when will you be released?

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Why, do you want to fix a date?

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-MEEKIE CHORTLES

-That'll do, Lotterby.

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This way, please.

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-MEEKIE:

-Here we are.

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The BOVs are in the room, lads.

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They've upgraded the cleric... A bishop!

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It was a deacon last time.

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What d'you reckon the others are?

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Well, I reckon the little one's a Labour MP.

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Yeah, hasn't worked out how to fiddle her expenses

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and buy herself a decent suit yet.

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The bloke in the smart suit looks like something out of the city.

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Venture capitalist, maybe. Hedge fund manager.

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A rich dick in a Range Rover.

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Well, what about the other woman?

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Tweed jacket. Smart shoes. Country magistrate, I reckon.

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Lives in a house half this nick would kill to burgle.

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Ooh! She's clocked us.

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Always meat and two veg, is it?

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No. Sometimes it's fish and two veg.

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-Is that dessert?

-Yes, your grace. Fruit pie.

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What kind of fruit?

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Oh, I'm not sure, it's, uh...

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It comes out of a tin marked "Fruit Pie Filling".

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When you've finished your meal, Fletcher,

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one of the visitors has requested to see you.

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-Me?

-Yes.

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One on one?

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-Yes.

-To go through a check list, is it? "How is your cell?"

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"Pretty basic," tick.

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"How is the food?"

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"Pretty awful," tick.

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"How d'you find the prison officers?"

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"Surly and sadistic," tick.

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That sort of thing?

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It will get back to me, Fletcher.

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So you'd be well advised to give a good report.

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The do-gooders are only here for three hours,

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you are here for three years.

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Comprende?

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I didn't know you spoke Spanish, Mr Meekie.

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I speak for all the prison staff.

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Think on, Fletcher, think on.

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Si, senor. Vaya con Dios.

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DOOR BLEEPS

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Here is the prisoner, ma'am. Do you wish me to stay?

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No, that won't be necessary.

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Very well. I shall leave the door ajar.

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Thank you.

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-You're Nigel Fletcher.

-Yes, ma'am.

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I wanted to have a private word. I'm Caroline Hawley.

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Hawley? Are you related to...?

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Davina, yes. I'm her mother.

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Oh, shhh...

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Oh, what are the chances, eh? Small world.

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I visit several prisons,

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but when I was allocated this one it struck me that you were, um...

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-Guest here?

-Yes.

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And I was, um...curious to meet the man

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who destroyed my daughter's life.

0:14:370:14:39

I think that's a bit strong.

0:14:390:14:41

Last I heard, she was living in a six-bedroom mansion and driving a Ferrari.

0:14:410:14:44

-You led her astray.

-I think we led each other astray, Ms Hawley.

0:14:440:14:48

Like the Bonnie and Clyde of the digital era.

0:14:480:14:50

-YOU stole the money!

-Well, she helped me spend it!

0:14:500:14:52

Nonsense! Davina was an exemplary daughter.

0:14:520:14:55

We didn't send her to private school

0:14:550:14:57

so she would end up spending her life with the...likes of you!

0:14:570:15:00

-Hm. They don't teach loyalty at posh school, do they?

-Oh!

0:15:000:15:03

The minute I got collared, she took off with some Argentinian geezer who plays for Man City.

0:15:030:15:07

Is she still with him?

0:15:070:15:08

No, they've... just split up, actually.

0:15:080:15:11

He's been transferred to Middlesbrough.

0:15:110:15:13

Middlesbrough? CHORTLES: I'd rather be in here.

0:15:130:15:16

I don't detect any regret in your attitude.

0:15:160:15:19

Regret?

0:15:190:15:20

I never broke the law until I met Davina.

0:15:220:15:24

Never so much as nicked a packet of chewing gum.

0:15:240:15:26

I'd a lovely life and I chucked it all away.

0:15:260:15:29

So, yes, I have a lot of regrets.

0:15:290:15:32

Like getting in the middle of things with bad guys I'd rather avoid.

0:15:320:15:35

Wasting the best years of my life in a ten-foot cell,

0:15:350:15:37

with no soft toilet roll.

0:15:370:15:39

You've only yourself to blame.

0:15:390:15:41

Yeah. I keep telling meself that.

0:15:410:15:44

Anyway, thanks for dropping by.

0:15:450:15:47

-And give my regards to Davina.

-I won't.

0:15:500:15:53

DOORS SLAM

0:15:560:15:59

OK, gentlemen, we all know why we're here.

0:16:040:16:07

I think it's in all of our interests

0:16:070:16:08

to negotiate a fair and equitable deal.

0:16:080:16:10

I want out. You can have my action.

0:16:100:16:12

You can have my runners and my lookouts if you like.

0:16:120:16:15

What do you want?

0:16:150:16:17

30%.

0:16:170:16:18

Not unreasonable.

0:16:180:16:19

How about I give you zip?

0:16:190:16:24

Come again?

0:16:250:16:26

Nada. Zilch. Nic.

0:16:260:16:30

Well, obviously, there's going to be a bit of ping-pong on the deal.

0:16:300:16:32

But we have to start somewhere north of zilch.

0:16:320:16:35

Why?

0:16:350:16:36

Because that's the way you do things.

0:16:360:16:37

Besides, I think Dougie's being more than generous.

0:16:370:16:39

Generous to a fault.

0:16:390:16:41

You are yesterday's man. I am big face on block now.

0:16:410:16:46

I am Nagid.

0:16:460:16:48

I bleed the blood of my five fathers.

0:16:480:16:51

I think you mean forefathers.

0:16:510:16:52

I had five.

0:16:520:16:53

You're going to bleed it on that table if you give me that kind of lip.

0:16:540:16:57

Let's dial it back from blood on the table.

0:16:570:16:59

You are through. You and your hairy-arsed friend.

0:16:590:17:04

How d'you know I've got a hairy arse?

0:17:040:17:06

What, you've been eyeing me up in the showers?

0:17:070:17:09

-No. Scuddsy... Scuddsy, stop.

-Ooh!

0:17:100:17:13

Oh, sorry about that.

0:17:130:17:14

ALARM RINGS

0:17:220:17:25

Ooh!

0:17:290:17:30

-DRISCOLL:

-Break it up!

0:17:300:17:31

DRISCOLL GRUNTS

0:17:340:17:36

So this is our recreation area...

0:17:390:17:42

BISHOP: Is this some kind of drill, Governor?

0:17:420:17:45

All right. All right, all right!

0:17:450:17:47

Break it up! Break it up!

0:17:470:17:48

Oh!

0:17:480:17:50

-DRISCOLL:

-I'm on it, Mr Meekie!

0:17:500:17:52

ALARM CONTINUES

0:17:520:17:54

HE GIGGLES

0:18:040:18:06

Get your hands off me!

0:18:060:18:07

What on earth do you think you're doing?!

0:18:070:18:09

I'm trying to save you from a prison riot.

0:18:090:18:12

Let me out right now!

0:18:120:18:13

No, trust me, Ms Hawley,

0:18:130:18:15

you're better in here with me than you are out there with them.

0:18:150:18:17

Why would I trust you? You're a common criminal.

0:18:170:18:20

No, I'm not. I'm an UNCOMMON criminal.

0:18:200:18:23

I'm trying to help you out.

0:18:230:18:24

That lot out there would take you hostage and nick your jewellery.

0:18:240:18:27

Right. Well, how long d'you think we'll be here?

0:18:270:18:30

Dunno. Could be ten minutes. Could be ten hours.

0:18:300:18:34

The last riot went on for three days and ended up on the roof.

0:18:340:18:36

-What are you like with heights?

-Terrible.

0:18:360:18:39

I have vertigo.

0:18:390:18:40

All right. Well, just breathe through it.

0:18:400:18:43

That's it. Good. Yeah. Go to your happy place.

0:18:430:18:47

Going anywhere nice on your holidays?

0:18:470:18:49

Yes, St Barts. Leaving on Monday, actually.

0:18:490:18:52

Oh, fish hooks, got so much to do.

0:18:520:18:54

HE CHUCKLES

0:18:540:18:55

What's so funny?

0:18:550:18:57

Oh, just then, when you went, "Oh, fish hooks, so much to do!"

0:18:570:19:01

Sort of thing Davina used to say. CLATTERING FROM OUTSIDE

0:19:010:19:03

-Well, I suppose we do have SOME similarities.

-Mm.

0:19:030:19:07

Look, I know it doesn't matter, what's done is done.

0:19:080:19:11

But I just want you to know -

0:19:110:19:12

this is the worst experience of my life.

0:19:120:19:14

Being locked in a cupboard with me?

0:19:140:19:16

No, prison.

0:19:160:19:19

INMATE GROANS

0:19:190:19:20

Anyone else want a piece of me?

0:19:200:19:22

This was an extremely regrettable incident.

0:19:250:19:28

Especially in front of the bishop and the other visitors.

0:19:280:19:30

Well, it was subdued fairly promptly, ma'am

0:19:300:19:34

and, uh, without resort to fire hose.

0:19:340:19:37

So no-one got wet...

0:19:370:19:39

Well, that'll be a great consolation

0:19:390:19:40

when I submit my report to the Ministry of Justice.

0:19:400:19:43

And what part did you play in all of this, Mr Braithwaite?

0:19:430:19:45

-I-I-I was very much in the thick of it, ma'am.

-Mm?

0:19:450:19:49

I can vouch for that.

0:19:490:19:50

He was with me under the pool table.

0:19:500:19:52

Yeah, according to Mr Meekie, you arranged this meeting, Fletcher.

0:19:520:19:56

Sort of.

0:19:560:19:57

What do you mean, "sort of"? You either did or you didn't.

0:19:570:19:59

I was coerced.

0:19:590:20:01

But I figured I was doing the prison a favour.

0:20:010:20:03

Oh, you'll have to explain that to me.

0:20:030:20:04

Well, we all know that Nagid and Parfitt are bad boys.

0:20:040:20:07

If they made their peace, less aggro for everyone, cons and kangas alike.

0:20:070:20:11

I see myself as one of those peacekeepers for the UN.

0:20:110:20:13

You know, the ones with the pretty blue berets.

0:20:130:20:15

But you did see exactly what happened?

0:20:150:20:17

It was all a bit of a blur, ma'am.

0:20:170:20:18

But I do remember Mr Meekie wading in

0:20:180:20:20

without a thought for his own safety.

0:20:200:20:22

-How's the broken nose, sir?

-Don't be facetious.

0:20:220:20:24

It does look very nasty.

0:20:240:20:26

Perhaps I should get Senior Officer Sawbrick to take over your duties.

0:20:260:20:29

He has a ruptured spleen, ma'am.

0:20:290:20:32

It was an accident. He walked right into it.

0:20:330:20:36

Oh, what's the word?

0:20:380:20:40

The Governor's holding an official inquiry.

0:20:400:20:42

She knows I brokered the meet

0:20:420:20:43

and she knows I know who did what to who and who did it first.

0:20:430:20:46

So you're witness for the prosecution?

0:20:460:20:48

Exactly.

0:20:480:20:50

If I point out Dougie, he might do serious solitary,

0:20:500:20:52

but when he gets out, dire retribution will follow.

0:20:520:20:55

Same with Nagid.

0:20:550:20:57

If I keep shtoom, the Governor will put time on my stretch.

0:20:570:21:00

I'm completely snookered.

0:21:000:21:01

I mean, what have I done to deserve this, Joe?

0:21:010:21:03

Well... You hacked into computers to fraudulently access credit cards

0:21:030:21:08

so that you could go on a spending binge

0:21:080:21:10

with a posh bird called Davina.

0:21:100:21:11

It's not rocket science.

0:21:110:21:13

What if she refers it to an outside court?

0:21:150:21:17

Well, then you get a day out.

0:21:170:21:18

And you can wear that fancy suit you came here in.

0:21:180:21:20

I thought you had my back.

0:21:200:21:21

That doesn't sound very Starsky to my Hutch!

0:21:210:21:24

I know I can rely on you, Fletch.

0:21:240:21:25

Now... Drawing on the vast reservoir of my experience,

0:21:270:21:32

I'd say this to you, Fletch...

0:21:320:21:35

Faced with a moral dilemma - which you are -

0:21:350:21:37

I would always tell the truth.

0:21:370:21:40

-You would?

-I would, yes.

0:21:400:21:42

Well, unless, of course, you can save your arse

0:21:430:21:45

by lying through your teeth.

0:21:450:21:47

These proceedings are now in session. Call the first witness.

0:21:510:21:54

I call Nigel Norman Fletcher.

0:21:560:21:58

State your name!

0:22:020:22:03

You just said it.

0:22:030:22:05

State your name.

0:22:070:22:09

Nigel Norman Fletcher.

0:22:100:22:11

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth

0:22:110:22:14

and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

0:22:140:22:16

I do.

0:22:160:22:18

As we understand it, you set up a meeting between Nagid Dragoti

0:22:180:22:23

and Douglas Parfitt.

0:22:230:22:24

-I did.

-To what end?

0:22:240:22:26

They were rivals.

0:22:260:22:28

I sought to broker a reconciliation

0:22:280:22:30

in the interests of harmony and stability for us all.

0:22:300:22:33

So, you were there when the violence erupted?

0:22:330:22:37

No, sir.

0:22:370:22:38

MEN ALL TALK AT ONCE

0:22:380:22:41

Then where were you?

0:22:410:22:42

It's on the record. I was under the pool table.

0:22:420:22:45

But presumably you ducked under there

0:22:450:22:47

after the first blow was struck,

0:22:470:22:49

which you therefore must have witnessed.

0:22:490:22:51

Well, I was standing there, but, um, I was feeling faint.

0:22:510:22:56

Yeah. It always happens to me in times of violence,

0:22:560:22:58

I come over all dizzy.

0:22:580:23:00

But the violence hadn't started.

0:23:000:23:01

No, but I could sense it in the air. Prison does that to you.

0:23:010:23:05

But I don't know who hit who first.

0:23:050:23:07

I should remind you that there are serious consequences

0:23:070:23:09

if you lie under oath.

0:23:090:23:10

Who struck the first blow?

0:23:100:23:14

FLETCHER SIGHS Hmm...

0:23:180:23:21

I did.

0:23:210:23:22

YOU did?

0:23:230:23:25

I jabbed Nagid in the belly with a pool cue.

0:23:250:23:28

So, we have an admission, your honour. Governor!

0:23:280:23:33

Are you sure this is how it happened, Fletcher?

0:23:340:23:37

Yes, Governor. Bang to rights.

0:23:370:23:40

That's not how it was. He never hurt Nagid.

0:23:400:23:43

He's lying to protect me, cos that's the kind of bloke Fletch is!

0:23:430:23:49

So, it was you who threw the first punch?

0:23:510:23:54

Yeah. It was me. I did it.

0:23:540:23:58

I smashed Nagid round the head and I perforated his eardrum.

0:23:580:24:02

What? What did he say?

0:24:020:24:03

INMATES ALL SQUABBLE

0:24:030:24:05

Quiet, all of you!

0:24:050:24:08

All right, all right. Look, everyone, please, calm down,

0:24:080:24:11

this is getting completely out of control.

0:24:110:24:12

Listen, Scuddsy, sit down, you know you can't do solitary -

0:24:120:24:15

you're frightened of the dark.

0:24:150:24:17

Governor... The facts of the case are simple.

0:24:190:24:22

I struck the first blow and caused this whole affray.

0:24:220:24:24

Now, sling me down the hole and throw away the key.

0:24:240:24:27

Can anyone lend me Harry Potter?

0:24:270:24:29

DOOR SLAMS

0:24:320:24:33

BUZZER

0:24:340:24:36

Move yourself, Fletcher.

0:24:360:24:37

Already?

0:24:370:24:39

The Governor's had a change of heart. Don't ask me why.

0:24:390:24:41

But I'm halfway through Goblet Of Fire.

0:24:410:24:44

Are you alive or dead?

0:24:460:24:50

Alive.

0:24:520:24:54

Male or female?

0:24:540:24:55

-Male.

-Have you got big ears?

0:24:550:24:58

What a waste of a question.

0:24:590:25:01

Why does it matter what size his ears are?

0:25:010:25:03

Well, it matters to me.

0:25:030:25:04

I have, actually.

0:25:040:25:05

Are you Big Ears?

0:25:050:25:06

No.

0:25:090:25:10

Oh! Uh, Dumbo!

0:25:100:25:11

No.

0:25:110:25:12

-BRAITHWAITE:

-Gary Lineker.

-He's done it again.

-Oh!

0:25:120:25:15

-Ooh!

-SCUDDS:

-Ladies...

0:25:170:25:19

This is for you, Fletch. Fortnum and Mason.

0:25:200:25:23

I ate the strawberries, I couldn't help myself.

0:25:230:25:25

No worries, Dougs.

0:25:250:25:26

Was I right or was I right to make this man my consigliere?

0:25:260:25:29

You were right. Double right.

0:25:290:25:32

That was a lovely piece of consigliglierying you did

0:25:320:25:35

at the hearing.

0:25:350:25:36

Yeah, created chaos, confusion and, uh...

0:25:370:25:40

There's another word out there, what is it?

0:25:400:25:42

Obfuscation.

0:25:420:25:44

That'll do.

0:25:440:25:45

They was all obfusced, that's for sure.

0:25:450:25:47

Yeah, well. They won't be happy they didn't smoke us, Dougie.

0:25:470:25:50

They'll want payback.

0:25:500:25:52

That's why I think it's probably best I step aside

0:25:520:25:54

from my consigliere duties for the time being, know what I'm saying?

0:25:540:25:57

Maybe you're right. You lie low for a bit.

0:25:570:25:59

Well done.

0:26:000:26:01

You were great, Fletch. You're a ledge.

0:26:010:26:05

HE GROANS

0:26:060:26:07

It weren't tactical genius, Scuddsy, I wanted to go down.

0:26:070:26:10

I thought a month in the hole was the only way I could get out of this mess.

0:26:100:26:13

-I've still no idea why they let me out.

-Fletcher...

0:26:130:26:15

-Hello, Mr Meekie.

-Another situation you've wriggled out of.

0:26:200:26:23

You seem to be very adept at wriggling.

0:26:230:26:25

I'm just trying to survive, Mr Meekie.

0:26:250:26:27

And I'm not out of the woods yet, with Nagid still on the block.

0:26:270:26:30

Bad news for me and bad news for you.

0:26:300:26:32

Oh, he's going.

0:26:320:26:33

You what?

0:26:330:26:34

He has been transferred at the recommendation of Mrs Hawley.

0:26:360:26:40

Ah! The woman whose aid I heroically ran to during the fracas.

0:26:400:26:44

Well, she seems quite taken with you.

0:26:440:26:45

I can't think why.

0:26:450:26:47

Well, we used to run in the same circles.

0:26:470:26:49

You know, country house weekends,

0:26:490:26:50

-grouse shoots, polo matches, that sort of thing.

-Mm.

0:26:500:26:53

That'll explain why you're out the hole early

0:26:530:26:55

and there's a present from her in your cell.

0:26:550:26:57

-There is?

-Yeah, see for yourself.

0:26:570:27:00

But Fletcher...

0:27:000:27:01

Even though you have friends in high places, just you remember -

0:27:010:27:05

I'll still be breathing down your neck

0:27:050:27:07

because I know, deep, deep down in my gut, that you're at it.

0:27:070:27:13

That sounds painful. You want to get that looked at.

0:27:130:27:16

What on earth's this?!

0:27:190:27:21

I've no idea. Screw shoved it in a while ago.

0:27:210:27:24

Maybe it's that 60ft ladder you ordered from Amazon.

0:27:240:27:27

Sort of the wrong shape.

0:27:280:27:30

-My!

-What is it?

0:27:340:27:36

Looks like a lifetime supply of soft toilet roll!

0:27:360:27:39

Wa-hey!

0:27:390:27:41

Dougie Parfitt wants Fletch to join his crew as his consigliere. But when Fletch tries to broker a peace with Dougie's arch-rival, things don't quite go according to plan.