The Edge of Hell Pramface

-The girl from last night. We did it!

-You are pregnant.

-He was 16!

-Little bastard!

Go on a date. Allow yourself to be romantic.

Have you got something you need to say to me, Keith?

-I quit.

-Quit what?

-My job.

SHE SCREAMS

Yeah, I thought you might react that way.

You said you wanted to be involved. So, you're involved.

SHE SCREAMS

It's a baby!

This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.

BABY CRIES

Oh.

She's either hungry or she's had too much sleep.

Huh, no. No-one's been sleeping.

OK, er, maybe she needs winding?

SQUELCH

Or changing.

Oh, how could she need changing again?

God, so much can go wrong with a baby.

Whatever you do, don't press her head.

I'm not going to press her head.

Good, cos according to this, it's basically a meringue.

Oh well, thank you, Gina Ford!

OK, Laura, the baby picks up on a negative tone of voice

and at the moment you're being very negative.

Oh, I'm sorry, am I not sounding happy enough for you?

Maybe it's because I've had someone throwing up on me all night.

All right, stop shouting. You're upsetting her.

-Let me do it.

-Fine. Just...

BABY CRIES

It's all right, there's a good little...baby...

We have to agree on a name, we can't keep calling her "the baby."

I know, but I'm too tired to talk about it again.

We have to pick one before the christening.

How about Michelle?

We're not naming her after Mike.

I promised I'd ask.

Look, I have to go. I can't be late for college again.

Oh, I'm sorry. Is raising your child getting in the way of you

achieving your mediocre A-level results?

Aargh!

Who left all the water here?

It's pee.

Urgh.

Oh, here, take one of my tops.

Oh, magic.

You're welcome.

Oh, seriously, Keith, you have to start getting dressed.

You'll never find work looking like that.

I've got no interviews today. I may as well be comfy.

That's not the point, it's the attitude.

That's not how successful people dress.

Cary Grant wore one. Frank Sinatra.

They were successful before their dressing gowns.

And they did not spend all day watching CBeebies.

Sherlock Holmes. He wore one.

Fiction.

Hugh Hefner.

Do I look like a Bunny Girl to you, Keith?

All right, I'll stick on some trackie b's.

Oh, trackie b's. Shoot for the moon, why don't you?

Oh, God. I'm doing my best, all right?

It'll happen when it happens.

Well, it had better bloody happen soon.

This christening's costing a fortune.

Between the gifts and the reception and having my sister to stay,

it's cleaning me out.

Why do we have to have such a big do, anyway?

Laura's lot won't want a fuss.

Why should they get to dictate? I bet they don't even go to church.

When was the last time we went?

The point is, these Anglicans, they do it all wrong.

The odd Homes and Gardens Midnight Mass doesn't count.

What is wrong with having a small, quiet, inexpensive do?

Then everyone's happy.

Going to church is not about being happy.

Clearly not.

-Hey.

-All right, guys.

-All right.

Wow, that's awesome, where did you get that?

It's Laura's.

Oooh, sharing each others clothes now, are ya?

So, are you and Laura, you know...

-No!

-Why not? Now the horse has bolted,

might as well fool around in the stable.

-It's not like that. We're not...

-Say no more. I get it.

A lot of women lose their sex drive after having a baby cos of...

It's frustrating.

They're not together.

Well, we're...

Oh, so you are...

What is that? Are you pulling on a glove?

BABY CRIES

Yes, Daddy, I can't wait to see you.

Yes, well, once we've got this bloody christening out of the way.

Mum!

BABY CRIES

All right, all right, all right. Yes, see you tomorrow! Bye!

Mum, are you going to be out long?

It's just that I could really do with your help today.

I can't, it's your father's neurologist appointment.

She won't stop crying, Mum, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.

Don't worry, darling, you used to cry all the time.

Just put her down and ignore it.

It's just, I read somewhere if you leave them,

their brains don't develop properly and they grow up to be over-anxious.

Nonsense! I left you all the time.

It never did you any harm. Do you feel anxious?

Well, I do feel a little bit anxious.

I'm not surprised with that baby crying all the time.

Alan!

Alan, are you ready?

I swear, his concentration is getting so much worse.

THUDDING UPSTAIRS ALAN: Bloody thing!

And the clumsiness! Don't let him hold her.

You know, maybe with him like this we should cancel the christening?

No, I can't. I said we'll do it, and it's important to Jamie.

Why does he get to decide?

Because he's the father.

Only biologically.

He's part of my life now. I have to consider what he wants.

What about your father?

Do you want to put him through the stress of a big, public event?

There's nothing wrong with me.

Stop using me as an excuse, I'm fine.

Really?

Yes. Really.

Let me know when you've worked it out.

Ah!

Wallet!

Anyway, I've been thinking about my outfit for the christening.

Oh, yeah? There's no way I'm doing that.

-Why not?

-I don't know, perhaps because

the Catholic church systematically abuses children

and has a genocidal attitude to condom use in sub-Saharan Africa.

OK, Beth, we're not going to abuse or genocide anyone.

It's just religion. It doesn't mean anything.

Do you know what being a godparent entails?

Uh, yeah, I do, actually.

You buy 'em ice creams and then once a year,

-you just take 'em Alton Towers.

-No, Nothing that intelligent.

It's a load of nonsense about walking with Christ,

repenting your sins and renouncing the devil.

Oh, Beth, I think you're getting a little bit confused!

Well, in theory, you are supposed to do that, yeah.

What? What? Why didn't you tell me that?

Jamie, if I'm going to do this, I want to do it properly.

OK, well, technically, yes,

you do have to renounce the devil and all his works.

OK, OK. Cool, I'm on it.

Consider him renounced.

Thy will be done.

Why is she looking at me like that?

She looks at everyone like that.

What is that smell?

Oh, it's just dried milk.

Urgh, your milk?

No, the big Friesian that I keep in the spare room.

Urgh! OK, no.

It's just really weird to think about you, like, you know....

SHE MIMICS BREAST PUMP

I don't do them both at once.

Oh, come on, take her.

She needs to bond with her godmother.

Yeah, about that. Do you really think I'm the girl for the job?

Because I think of myself more like, "Yay, fun auntie!"

rather than, "Yawn, dull godmother."

And plus there's a gig on Saturday night.

-Oh, no, the Christening's on Sunday.

-Yeah, I know,

but I was planning on getting really wasted

-and then I'll be hungover and....

-Could you just not drink?

No. Cos I'm, you know, "Yay, fun auntie!"

All his family are going to be there.

All my family are going to be there.

I really need the moral support. Please.

All right, I won't go.

I think you're going to be a really good godmother.

Who better to offer her wisdom when she hits all those big life crises?

Ooh, like when she sleeps with inappropriate men

and can't talk to you about it.

Not those crises, no.

Or she gets busted for possession and needs picking up from the police station!

She's not going to be doing that.

Or takes her first emergency pregnancy test, just like Mummy!

OK, you are not telling her about any of that!

Oh, Mummy's a bit of a hypocrite, isn't she?

Yes, she is! Look at the big hypocrite!

Mike?

-You do realise this is a library?

-Yes.

-What the hell are you doing here?

-I'm researching the enemy.

-The enemy?

-Yeah, you know...

(Satan.)

There's no such thing as Satan.

That's what he wants you to believe, Beth. He's everywhere.

Right.

Let's be crystal clear about this.

There's no God, there's no devil,

there's no Santa.

You can't prove that.

I can't prove there's not an invisible unicorn

welding a turd to the roof of this building.

It doesn't mean it's likely.

All I knows is, you can't be too careful.

-SHE SIGHS

-You have the mind of a child!

I'm serious, Beth.

Looking at all this stuff,

renouncing the devil's going to be pretty tough.

I'm really susceptible to his works.

Just look at this list!

Greed, tick. Envy, tick.

Lust, well, I get that literally all the time.

-Even now I'm thinking about...

-Don't tell me!

OK. But it is a big tick.

Rr...rath?

Wrath.

-It says, "rath"

-Illiteracy, tick.

Sloth, or is it, "slath?"

-Sloth.

-Whatever.

I'm on my way to a full set here.

I'm going to need some help.

No, no, no. There are much more intelligent sources out there.

Are you talking about...aliens?

No! I'm talking secular rationalists.

People who value science and reason.

That's all you've got to offer, is it?

We are all going to die.

And eventually, the entire universe will fall silent and cold.

You make it sound so appealing(!)

SHE SQUEALS

There you are!

Ah, hello!

SHE SCREAMS

-Hiya.

-And...Keith!

Hi.

Shouldn't you be out at work?

I'm just having fun with you!

-Fun (!)

-Get Mammy's bags, would you?

I know you're not busy.

-All right, Conall.

-Hi.

It must be so handy for you

having him at home all the time helping you out.

Come on, Gran. DOORBELL RINGS

Hello. Hi, Louise. Hi, Gabby.

Come on in.

Tim's just getting something from the car.

-Hi.

-Hello.

Well...

are you...all right, Alan?

Yes, I'm fine. Why are you talking to me like that?

Head injury. I want to make sure that you can understand me.

Of course I can. I've had concussion, I'm not French.

Gosh, places always seem so much smaller

than you remember, don't they?

Daddy! Darling Daddy!

Darling, hello!

Come through, come through.

So are you going to get on with marrying this girl, Jamie?

Don't think she'd want to marry me!

What's wrong with her? A nice-looking lad like you.

God knows where you got it from.

Doesn't it make you glad you've been accepted into the seminary, Conall?

And won't have to bother with this sexual intrigue?

Yes, I suppose.

We always knew he'd end up there.

-SHE SHOUTS

-Didn't we, Mammy?

-MAMMY GRUNTS

-It was that or the building trade.

I always had an interest in that as well.

Oh, nonsense! This boy is a moral and spiritual rock.

He's going to be a wonderful godfather.

Oh, but I've already asked Mike.

Mike? Is that the fella with the ram's hair?

Oh, no, he's not appropriate at all.

I'm not worried, Ma. If Jamie's got someone lined up...

Ignore him, that's just his Christian charity talking.

This MIKE...is he even Catholic?

No, but he's really exploring his faith at the moment.

I don't care if he's exploring Mars!

If he's not Catholic, he can't be godfather!

We're just not used to it in this family,

but it's not as if you're the only one out there.

I suppose there are lots of single mothers these days.

Women who've been abandoned by their partners.

I've not been abandoned.

-No, it's completely different.

-Thank you, Gabby.

Because you were never in a relationship in the first place.

I mean, you didn't even know him...like, at all.

Well, I think you're very brave.

-Thanks.

-Isn't she, Dad?

Hmmm? Yes, and you should just ignore

what everyone's saying about you.

What is everyone saying about me?

I don't know, but they're bound to be saying something.

There's a lot of sluts out there.

These girls, they don't think about the babies.

Well, I think she does...

They don't think about the other person.

Well, she...

All they ever think about is the sex.

-Probably not all...

-Oh, no, trust me!

Sex, sex, sex!

You definitely shouldn't feel ashamed of her.

I'm not ashamed of her.

No, because there's a lot less stigma nowadays about,

you know, being a little B.

What do you mean, little B?

Bastard!

It's not a nice word, is it?

Well, I'm not saying it, but people will.

Well, I'd rather she were a little B than a little C.

Oh, no, you can't leave me with them!

Yeah? Watch me!

What am I meant to say to them?

Say I've gone to a darts match,

an AGM...ooh, both. See ya!

-EVELYN:

-Ah, Sandra, it's never going to work.

Now she's got the baby,

she'll probably find some rich fella to latch onto,

and poor old Jamie won't get a look in.

Right, well, I thought we should all go

for some sort of celebratory meal,

so I booked a table at a little French place up the road.

Oh, how nice! Thank you, Daddy.

That's very thoughtful of you, Arnold.

Yes, only thing is, they're not really very child friendly there.

Well, who can blame them?

I mean who wants to have a screaming toddler ruining their evening?

Quite. So I suppose someone should stay here with the little one.

MICROWAVE BEEPS

DOORBELL RINGS

What are you doing here?

I realise I've not been much use recently,

but I really want to help out more.

By turning up now, unannounced.

Yes, because I bring with me

the greatest gift of all.

A sleeping bag?

No. Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Go on.

Well, I thought I could kip on your sofa,

watch her through the night,

while you get some proper rest.

-You know, Mum wants to call the whole thing off.

-We can't!

My lot would take that very badly.

-How badly?

-Irish Catholic badly.

Well, I'm going to go to bed. You know what to do?

-Yeah. I got it.

-OK.

-Good night.

-BABY GURGLES

Jay...what?

Nothing.

Just...nothing.

What about Charlotte?

No! God, no! My mum HATES Charlotte. She fell out with a Charlotte.

Ah, well, if we're ruling out people your mother's fallen out with

we're going to be down to Xerxes or Rumpel-fucking-stilskin.

-Don't swear in front of the baby!

-Sorry.

I don't care any more.

OK, call her Mary or St Theresa or Shamrock.

Whatever will keep your family quiet. I need to get some sleep.

-OK.

-And try not to drop her.

SCREAMING ON TV

I'm sorry, but I don't see the connection between this

and becoming a better godparent.

It's religious studies, isn't it?

You gave up reading the bible, then?

Ah, yeah, the film's always better than the book.

I don't think Bride of Satan 4 has much to do with the bible.

'Course it does. It's got Satan in it,

and he's, like, one of the main characters.

I mean, these are basically his bible spin-off series.

-TV:

-'Look not upon him, for he...'

...takes on pleasing forms...

'..to seduce men to their destruction.

'The power of Christ compels you!'

-SCARY NOISE ON TV

-'The power of Christ compels you!'

-Right, I'm off.

-No, Beth, wait!

'The power of Christ compels you!

'The power of Christ compels you!

'The power of Christ compels you!

'The power of Christ compels you!

'I will consume your very soul!'

What are you doing here?

I thought you might like some company.

-It's not good to be alone.

-I'm not alone.

Well, you're not now. I've bought the Xbox.

No, Laura's asleep...

It's OK, I brought headphones.

Problem solved.

HE GRUNTS

Yes, have some of that, you big metal bell-end!

Mike! Can you not swear in front of the baby, please?

Well, she won't be offended. She's, like, three minutes old.

It still goes in, and I don't want her first words to be,

"big metal bell-end."

All right, sorry.

I need to talk to you about this godfather thing too.

Yeah, it's pretty full on.

Yeah, well, if you feel you can't do it...

Oh, no, no, no. I can definitely do it.

OK.

But if you did want to drop out,

my cousin Conall's offering to do it.

What? No way!

My lot sort of want Conall.

Are you saying that I can't do it?

No, you can still definitely be there.

Just as a witness instead of a godfather.

A witness? Like a bystander?

Witnesses are important.

Then why do they never make the headlines?

If I'm going to your christening,

I want to be the murderer, or at the very least, the victim.

-You know what I mean.

-Look, my family are set on it,

and Conall's a trainee priest.

So, what? Are you saying he's a better man than me?

-No, no, no!

-Good.

But you're not Catholic....

BABY CRIES Oh, God.

Don't panic, I'm on it.

The godfather is here.

HE SLIPS

BABY CRIES

OK, so skin-on-skin contact is important.

-Yep.

-Hold her cross your body.

-Yeah.

-You are.

Well-supported, gently raised, able to make eye contact.

Angle her this way, little bit more.

Look, eye contact with me, not with you!

Ah, yes, no, that makes more sense.

Hey, what's this actually taste like?

-I have no idea.

-We could just try a little bit.

No, no! Just tell me what to do!

OK, um, tilt the bottle and she should start to...

Oh.

There we go, there we go.

# Why are there so many songs about rainbows

# And what's on the other side?

# Rainbows are visions

# But only illusions and rainbows have nothing to hide. #

-Mike.

-Yeah.

Please don't sing, it's making it weird.

Is it weird, or magical?

Which do you think?

Magical.

SNORING

Mike? Mike, wake up. Oh, God, what's the time?

I dunno. Never slept so well in my life.

Oh, God, where the hell is she?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Mike, get up!

She's probably just gone for a walk.

Mike, help me look.

Laura, we're back. >

Mike.

Hello! We were just...

This is Mike.

We were babysitting. Umm...

DOOR OPENS

There she is! How did you sleep?

-Was it all right?

-No, not really. There's a baby crying.

Could you not hear it?

-I didn't.

-No. You didn't?

-Not much.

-I think it's time you went home.

-OK.

MIKE BELCHES REPEATEDLY

Ooh, windy pops, innit?

-Can you just give my back a little rub, mate?

-No.

Just...repeats.

-RADIO:

-'The delicate grace of the columns and arches

'with the richness of their decoration...'

Oh, God! Jamie, I thought it was my ma.

Don't tell her about these. She thinks modern buildings are stupid.

She's no appreciation for the materials.

Right. I won't mention it.

Great. Thanks.

So, it looks like we're top-to-toeing it tonight.

I warn you, I do get awful hot in bed.

OK. Good to know.

And...Ma says I'm a screamer, too.

What does that mean?

I don't know. I'm always asleep.

I'll just take the floor.

You seem a bit down there, Jamie?

I think I might have just screwed things up with Laura.

I can tell you like this girl.

I do.

I'm just terrified that she's going to move on

and there's nothing I can do.

You must remember, a child is a very strong bond between two people.

It'll take an awful lot of screwing up to undo that.

Yeah, I suppose.

Now, come on, it'll all look better after a decent night's sleep.

You're going to make a good priest, Conall.

Well, I've made my peace with it. Pretty sure.

Good for you.

-All right, good night.

-Yeah, night.

WHIMPER

HIGH-PITCHED MOANING

Darts AGM, my backside. You were out drinking.

I went for A drink.

So you're out pissing money away on booze

and I have to cover this whole christening on my own.

Well, maybe Jamie can pay more towards it. It's his fault.

Uh, what did I do?

Sorry, do you not remember? About nine months ago...

Oh, yeah, that.

Well, I haven't got any spare money

and I'm doing all the shifts that I can.

Ah, look at him, he's exhausted, the poor love.

Did you see that, Keith?

That's what a working man looks like.

Ooh, maybe you could get a job for your dad, Jamie?

Uh, no, I couldn't.

Yeah, I think that might be a bit of a step back career-wise.

A step back from what? Lying in bed all day long?

No, I'm having fun with you.

But you're always saying that they're looking for people, Jamie.

Yeah, people. Not Dad.

I think that's a great idea. Thanks, Evelyn.

Yeah, thanks, Evelyn(!)

I'm here to help.

Yeah. Cheers(!)

Mum? Could you put these on to wash?

Mmm, go ahead, darling, help yourself.

Oh, no, Mum, please, I really need your help.

I'm having such a nightmare with this baptism

and the baptism class and Jamie's booked some god-awful meal.

You can always just back out.

People will understand if you can't face it.

No, I can face it, Mum, it's you that can't face it.

You're ashamed of her.

I'm not ashamed of her. I'm a bit ashamed of you.

Oh! Nice(!)

What would you expect your mother to say?

She's proud you got drunk and had sex with the paper boy?

Yes. The main thing is that I'm considerably less ashamed of you now

than I was, so that's progress.

Mum. You never spend any time with her.

That's because she's always poohing and screaming.

I've been through it all with you, it doesn't mean I don't love her.

All right, Janet, I can't not say something.

What the hell is that?

Well it's a...little cardigan.

-No, it's a bloody disaster.

-Daddy!

What is happening with this family?

Your husband's a cripple,

your daughter's hitched up with some no-hoper

and as for that pervert friend of his, well...

It's not like I want any of this.

Take back some control.

It's difficult when you're running a family home.

Well, this isn't a family home, it's a failed state.

Get a grip.

PHONE RINGS

Yes, hello.

Janet, hi, it's Steven.

Just thought I'd check to see how things are with Alan.

Well, he's not 100% but we're getting there.

-Who is it?

-'Good, great to hear.'

-Steven Pickering.

'Look, I've emailed some files and wonder if'

Alan could just cast an eye over them.

I'm not sure he's quite up for that yet. Alan!

Hi, Steven, hi, it's Alan here.

-Ah, Alan, how are you?

-Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I mean, the doctors are saying six to eight weeks

for this kind of thing

but I'm feeling fine. Completely unaffected.

Great, because I'd love your input on the Bleasdale contracts.

Oh, absolutely.

Well, I've sent the files across.

Let me just get my laptop. Hang on.

Why are you even at home?

You were always the superior lawyer. It's such a waste.

I've just been out of practice for so long.

That doesn't matter.

This family needs someone to put it back on track.

And it won't be him.

Alan's a capable lawyer.

He's just...

-Hello?

-Hi.

-Who's this?

-It's Steven.

-Steven?

-Steven Pickering.

Oh, hi, Steven, how are you?

'Er, I'm fine.'

Are you OK?

Yes, yes, I'm fine.

The doctors are saying six to eight weeks for this kind of thing

but, honestly, I feel fine. Completely unaffected.

'Right.'

Good.

What can I do for you?

# Our God is an awesome God He reigns

# From heaven above with wisdom Power and love

# Our God is an awesome God. #

# Reach out and touch faith

# Your own...personal...Jesus... #

Hi. Are you new here too?

Yeah, I'm Jessica. Um, J-Jess.

I'm Mike, M-Mike.

So what are you here for?

Um... I suppose I'm just trying to be a better person.

You?

No, God, me too.

What, you're not a good person?

No, I'm bad.

-NERVOUSLY:

-You don't look bad.

I am. I mean, I'm always out drinking.

Well, everyone likes a drink.

-And I smoke a lot.

-You can get patches for that.

I have sex with people I've only just met.

Right. That's...terrible?

Yeah, I sleep with pretty much anyone. And I mean anyone.

Really?

Yeah, although all the men here are quite unattractive so,

that's got to help, right?

Yeah. Yeah, no, that's definitely a good thing.

OK, let's kick off, shall we?

They're getting started.

We should probably sit together.

You haven't seen my laptop?

Um, no.

I'm sure I left it down here.

So, Alan, I'm just going out to buy some wine.

-Wondered if you'd like to come.

-No, thanks.

But...I'd really appreciate your help.

It'd be like a boys' trip out.

It'll be...fun.

OK.

Do you want me to push?

No! I've had just about enough of this christening stuff.

With my family and the naff christening meals

and all this church crap.

I've actually booked us somewhere really nice for the meal.

And this'll be fun, it'll be like a little Baptism 101.

Oh, sounds like a bloody riot.

It'll be cool. Father Thomas is very relaxed.

But try not to swear too much.

I'll do my fucking best.

OK, so I've had some more name ideas.

I'm just going to run these through - Amber, Jody, Ruby?

No, no and no.

Those are the names you give to strippers, Jamie, not children.

Oh, she's been sick again.

Well, maybe Father Thomas can exorcise her whilst we're in there.

Hello, Father Thomas.

Nice to see you again, Jamie. And you must be Laura.

Hi, yes, I'm sorry we're late.

Oh, that's fine, that's fine.

I was just chatting with our other new parents, Amy and Richard

and baby Luke.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Aren't you a little cutie?

-Oh, he's perfect, well almost.

We just want to get him baptised

as soon as possible to wash away the sin.

THEY LAUGH

-Sorry, God, sorry.

-BABY CRIES

Well, I think it's the symbolism that's important.

It's a rebirth, being born afresh into the world.

Can I help?

And into the broader church community to which

she can turn for support and companionship.

That's actually a really nice way of looking at it.

It's how Amy and I met.

How did you two get together, then?

-We're not together.

-Oh.

-Right.

Do you want to go back to Mummy? Yes, I think you do.

So, as I say, it's really more about becoming part of that community.

And to make sure they don't go to hell if they die.

She's not going to die.

Oh, goodness, no, but if she did and she wasn't baptised,

she will go to hell.

Well, lets not get ahead of ourselves here, Amy.

I thought it was limbo, anyway.

Limbo is hell, it's a part of hell. Isn't it?

Well, it's the edge of hell.

I think there's a theological debate to be had here

but now's maybe not the time or the place.

She'll probably still be able to

hear the screams of the wicked from there, wouldn't you say?

Let's not get too hung up on the screaming.

She's not going to hell.

I'm just saying, logically, they'd be making a lot of noise.

What with the burning and the suffering.

OK, the nature of the afterlife is a great mystery

but I believe God is merciful.

Yes. Yeah. Nobody's going to hell.

As long as they're baptised.

So it goes Maternity, Toddlers, Four to Eights, Nine to Twelves,

Scooters and Bikes, Tills, Bogs, Exits.

Got it? Good.

Now get to work.

What a shower of shit. Look at that cretin.

What, Keith? I don't know. He's full of energy.

I could show him the ropes, make sure he settles in.

If you want to take him on, on your head be it.

TANNOY: Can the Store Manager come to the first aid station?

God, that sounds expensive.

Hey, Dad, how you getting on?

Don't call me that in front of everyone.

-It's humiliating enough being here.

-Blame Mum, not me.

And I shouldn't be on the bottom rung with you and bloody Dean.

Right, Jamie, Einstein here has dislocated his finger

in a defective Peppa Pig. Don't ask.

So, battlefield promotion - you're in charge until I get back from A&E.

I'm not sure I can.

-I'll up you to £7 an hour, effective immediately.

-Done.

Here you go, boss.

I'm the boss!

BEEPING

Can we have some coffees, Serena? No sugar.

Well, this is a very pleasant surprise, Janet,

what can I do for you?

Well, it's more what can I do for you?

I know that Alan feels terrible about letting you down,

particularly when you're mid-crisis with this contract.

No, no, Alan's recovery must come first.

It is rather a sensitive situation.

One doesn't like to bandy around terms like mental incompetence.

No, no, course not.

I hope you don't mind but sometimes I just can't help myself

casting an eye over Alan's inbox,

just to keep my hand in and I did think there might be something here.

Just there, on page eight, I've highlighted. There.

Right.

And so this means that...

The structure of their company meant they were in de facto breach

of contract prior to signature. Their claim is unenforceable.

This is extraordinarily helpful.

You know, until Alan's back to himself

there is something of a void here that needs filling.

You don't mean...?

Of course, it's a very sensitive situation.

Of course. Alan's wellbeing is my main concern.

Daddy, I got the job.

Oh, well done, darling!

Just in the nick of time, by the look of things.

Hey. Here you go, I'm taking a break.

No, no, no, you can't take one yet,

there's another pallet of those that needs sorting.

-Well, that's not acceptable.

-What do you mean?

You can't refuse me my break.

I'm not refusing it, I'm just saying take it later.

-I don't want to take it later.

-It's not my problem.

Well, actually it is because you're the boss,

so I expect you to address my grievances.

Grievances?

Yes, being prevented from taking breaks, poor pay levels,

insanitary working conditions - the toilets are filthy.

You're on the cleaning rota for those.

Well, being given inappropriate tasks outside my skill base,

there's another thing.

Eh, I tell you what, son, right, it's not just me,

it's the whole workforce that's not happy.

Isn't that right, Dean?

He can't even speak, he's that angry.

Oh, come on, it's hardly a salt mine.

You should count yourself lucky you've got a job at all

in this economic climate.

Economic climate? My God, it didn't take you long, did it?

-What didn't?

-You get a little bit of power,

right, and then you become an oppressor of the working man.

What working man? All I can see is a complaining man.

Right.

Mike.

Excuse me.

Are you all right?

Mike, I'm not sure I'm cut out for this. I'm feeling weak.

Oh.

-Mike, there's something about you.

-I know, but we can't just...

Technically, we could because the door is locked.

Yeah.

Hey, Jess, slow down.

OK, I tried, I guess this is happening.

Oh, that's happening too.

Phwoar. That is good.

What?

What do you want me to do?

-All right, fine.

-Sorry?

-Stop, please, you have to stop?

-Why?

Because the power of Christ compels you.

The what?

I'm just saying we need to think about our actions here.

-What's there to think about?

-Is this really what you want?

-Absolutely.

-Stop!

God! How are you so strong?

I have absolutely no idea.

-You're right, you're amazing, Mike.

-I know.

-Because I was just about to do everything to you.

-Everything?

-Yeah. The whole repertoire.

-Fuck, you have a repertoire?

Yeah, and I have to walk out of this room right now.

Happy now?

Jamie, follow me, we've got a problem.

Keith is leading a sit-in in the medium Wendy house.

He and Dean say they aren't coming out till

they get equal pay with you.

Bloody hell!

This is on you, Jamie, I knew he was trouble.

-OK, I'll talk to him.

-Sod that, just get in there and sack him.

I can't just sack him.

Surely there's some sort of disciplinary procedures.

What about his union?

What union? The National Union Of Lazy Bastards?

-Just get rid of him.

-He's got a wife...and a kid.

-I think they really need the money.

-They're not your problem.

Now, are you telling me you're not man enough to do that?

No, I am.

Then get in that Wendy house and prove it.

Can we have the room, Dean?

If you've come in here to try and soften me up, don't bother.

I'm sacking you.

Oh, bloody hell! What happened to the yellow card?

I tried but Leanne said it's either you or me.

Lea...? That's outrageous!

Well, don't take it out on the Hello Kitty. It's your fault, not hers.

My God, how dare you come in here and... Ouch!

Shit on a brick!

Well, you can tell your mother.

What?! Why?! You're the one that blew it.

I'm going to get all the crap for this anyway.

Well, isn't that why they pay you the big bucks, Mr Manager?

OK then, KEITH.

I'm sorry it's had to come to this

but I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Oh, well, I shall not beg. I have my dignity.

HE BANGS HIS HEAD

If you will excuse me.

I can't get... You're on my foo... Argh!

Well, that's cos you're in the way.

-Jamie, are you all right?

-Yeah.

Good, cos I'm relieving you of your managerial duties.

She was literally cupping my balls.

So, you see, I've proved myself worthy. I resisted temptation.

-What temptation?

-I went to the mountain.

What mountain?

You know, the mountain, or the desert or the woods.

Wherever it was.

I went there and I managed not to cop off with Jessica.

-Jessica?

-Don't ask.

Is this our table?

We double booked so we've upgraded you.

This is actually our premium table.

Why's there seats only on one side?

So you can watch the mediaeval entertainment extravaganza.

Although, obviously, that won't be included in your deal.

-What is included?

-Hats.

Yes!

So, who wants to be King and who wants to be Queen?

King, Queen, King.

This is, like, the Jesus seat, isn't it?

God, is there anything on here that isn't roasted on a spit?

So, when you become a priest, can you really never...?

-No.

-Not ever?

It's why they call it celibacy.

So tragic.

What can you do?

You poor man.

Well, you know how it goes.

So, Conall, speaking as Jamie's best friend,

I was thinking that maybe I should be the rightful godfather.

I'm sure you're right.

I've got all of the virtues, kindness, patience,

recycling...and all the others.

-Chastity.

-Yes, yes, actually.

Basically, what I'm saying is, do us a favour and get thee behind me.

Obviously, it's Jamie's call

but I'm sure you'd make an excellent godfather.

Yes, yes, I would, thank you, thank you.

May the force be with me, amen.

So, Jamie, what name did you go with in the end?

-Actually, I've decided on Olivia.

-Awww.

We never agreed on Olivia.

We never agreed on anything.

I hate the name Olivia.

She's my baby, I can call her what I like.

I don't need permission from you or your family or your bloody church.

Fine. Then I'm calling her...Angela.

-That is a horrible name!

-That's what I want.

Rubbish! You just saw it just then on the waitress' nametag.

No, I didn't, I've always loved the name Angela.

-And I'm going to shorten it to Angie.

-Don't you dare!

-Not a very happy kingdom, is it?

-Her name is Olivia.

-Angela.

-Olivia.

Angela. Ang. Angela.

-Did you need something?

-No thanks, Angela.

Right, OK, that's it, I'm leaving. Danielle, are you?

We're going.

See you tomorrow.

DOORBELL RINGS

You were right, I should have cancelled.

Ah, well, let's just get through it.

A little christening present from me.

Oh, Mum.

-Oh, it's beautiful.

-It's handmade.

Oh, Mum, you know, sometimes I feel that you're not

that interested in her and then you do something like this.

It must have taken so much care and effort.

Yes, I imagine it did.

Oh! Oh, no, I didn't make it.

No, no, no, it was made by some Peruvian mountain peasant.

I just bought it.

That doesn't mean I love my grandchild any less than

Manuela Ruiz Fernando but, unlike Manuela,

I now have a job in a law firm allowing me to subcontract

low skill manual nonsense to an appropriate member

-of the third world.

-You have a job?

Exciting, isn't it? Steven sent over the contract this morning.

What contract?

Er, Steven's offered me a job.

-What job?

-Your job, actually.

He bloody what?!

Daddy, you're with me, come on.

Right, oh, Alan, you're with the girls and Tim. They're in the car.

Wait a minute, Janet. Janet!

All right?

Bloody hell, what are you wearing?!

This outfit symbolises my newfound purity of spirit.

And what does that symbolise?

Oh, they're my dad's cricket whites.

That's just where you rub the ball to get a nice shiny side.

-Oh, yeah, just like Jesus(!)

-I am just like Jesus.

Oh, Jamie, Jamie...

I-I know you think Conall's the man

but look at me, I'm ready.

Mike, you can't. You're not Catholic.

Oh, so what? What's more important?

The maker of the universe or your best friend?

Today's not about you! OK?

For God's sake, Keith, doesn't even one of your lot own a bloody tie?

Hi. Can I sit with you?

Oh, yeah, go for it. I'm just having a quick pray.

Oh, don't let me interrupt you.

Oh, it's fine, I'll catch up with him later.

-This is a lovely church.

-Yeah, amazing.

You see those gothic arches?

-They're one of the strongest structures in building.

-Oh.

That's under static load, obviously.

If you put vibration in there, it'd be a different story.

That is so fascinating.

God, you're a beautiful girl.

How they hell did you lose a bloody shelf-stacking job?!

Don't blame me, Jamie's the one that sacked me.

Jamie! Get over here.

Did you sack your father?

Technically, yes. But can we talk about this later?

Oh, we'll definitely talk about it later, don't you worry.

HE MOUTHS

JANET: Come on, darling, time to put the happy face on.

Let me get you a programme.

I'm sure that Janet is just trying to support you, Alan.

By stealing my job and then concealing it from me?

How's that supporting me?

I didn't want to upset you, you're just not yourself at the moment.

Oh, I dunno, I've got a patronising father-in-law,

a harpy of a wife, a familiar sense of being both frustrated

and unhappy - it all feels like business as usual to me.

That's them, isn't it? It is. It is them.

Yep, it is them? Yep, it's them.

It's them.

Ah, you're here. Where's Laura?

I thought she was with you.

You were the last one out,

didn't you notice your daughter just standing there?

Are all his family gypsies, then?

No. I suspect they holiday in caravans, though.

Where the hell is Laura? Where's Laura?

Conall! What in God's name are you doing?!

Just...explaining...how all of this vaulted stonework is

self-supporting.

Yes!

What's happening?

Conall's muffed it. I'm back in pole position for godfather.

-How come?

-Because it says in the Bible,

thou shalt not feel up a godmother in the house of the Lord.

How do I look?

-Like a lunatic.

-Thank you.

I'm not going. I don't want to see them.

I don't want to see you.

Everyone's there. They're expecting us.

They don't give a toss about us.

Why should I care about them?

Because...everyone who thought we were nuts for having her,

they are going to think they were right.

They're going to think we're ashamed of her.

-I'm not ashamed of her!

-Neither am I.

All I want to do is stand in front of our families with you

and say here's our little...thingy.

And that we're proud of her.

Don't you want to say that?

Not those exact words, no, but I do agree with the general sentiment.

We owe it to her.

We owe it to.... God, we need a name!

Why is it so hard?!

OK, I had a thought.

Emily.

That's...

I don't hate that.

I-I actually quite like Emily.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, do you like it?

-If you like it, I like it.

OK, so, we've picked a name. That wasn't so hard.

-See? We can do this.

-Yeah.

All we have to do now is sit through hours of abuse from our families.

Come on! However they feel about you or me,

they can't help but fall in love with her.

Look how happy she makes us. How can they not feel the same way?

It's going to be fine.

EVERYONE SHOUTING AT ONCE

OK, people, people, these are very emotional times.

Take a deep breath and, er...

COMMOTION CONTINUES

Thank God. They're here.

ORGANIST PLAYS THE WEDDING MARCH

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! That's not...

-Stop that.

-Phyllis? Phyllis?

Phyllis, not for them!

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

EVERYONE STARTS SHOUTING AGAIN

All right, that's enough. Shut up!

Everybody just shut up!

It's fine.

Um...please be seated.

Now, you all know Laura had reservations about this christening

but I told her not to worry,

that it was going to be a lovely, happy occasion.

And as I look around and see the many friends and family

gathered here today, I can't help thinking that...

..you're all a bunch of dicks.

And I'm sorry for saying dicks in your church, Father Thomas,

but then you did say that my daughter was going to hell

so it's all relative.

Now, I've come to expect it from Laura's family.

Of course they hate me, I get it.

But, Mum, Dad, I expected more of you.

You know how difficult this has been for me and Laura and Emily.

Oh, that's her name, by the way, so I'd appreciate it if people

could start using it instead of calling her a bastard and I am sick

and tired of apologising and trying to please everyone all the time.

So you know what? I'm done.

From now on, all I care about is my kid and my...Laura.

This baptism is off.

Oh, and so is the reception.

And so am I.

Are you coming?

Well, I...

Would you rather stay?

Yeah, fair enough.

-Laura, can you help me?

-This side, you just need to pull this...

Let's just carry her. Just walk.

I do sort of think we should be running.

Yep. Shall we?

She's stopped crying.

Yeah...it's probably the shock.

Yeah.

Come on.

Life is going on out there and I am going to grab it.

-Are you following us?

-I don't know any other mums.

I've got transport problems.

-Keith, grab a bumper.

-Mum, don't kick the bailiffs.

I can't stand him.

This is a girls' chat. We're having a girls' chat with Beth.

So you pay off the loan?

Yeah, and you work as my driver to pay back the debt.

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