Stay at Home Losers Pramface

Maybe she needs winding.

SQUELCHING Or changing.

One doesn't like to bandy around terms like mentally incompetent.

Wallet!

-Daddy, I got the job.

-What job?

-Your job, actually.

-Maybe you could get a job for your dad, Jamie?

-No, I couldn't.

-I'm sacking you.

-So you and Laura?

-No!

-They're not together.

-What?!

-Nothing.

This programme contains some strong language

SHE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS PHONE RINGS

-'Hi.'

-Jamie, hi. Are you busy?

-'Kind of.'

-Right. I was just thinking about taking Emily to the park.

Oh, right. Can you manage on your own?

Yeah, of course, I can manage,

I just thought it might be nice to have the company. For Emily.

Look, I can't. I've got... transport problems at the moment.

You're bloody parasites! It's not fair! There's only three payments left!

OK, look, love, you'll have to let go.

They can't take it if you're lying on it.

-I'll call you later.

-Don't just stand there!

Keith, grab a bumper.

Whoa! Whoa! Eh!

OK, Mum, don't kick the bailiffs. It's not going to help.

I'm going to take your tow truck, see how you like it, you bastards!

-Oh.

-Everything all right?

Er...that was Jamie. I think their car's being repossessed.

I'm just going to go on my own. I can do that.

-Do you want to come?

-I can't.

I mean, look.

-Can't you see the tremor?

-Not really.

-Well, neurological symptoms are...subtle.

-You'll be fine.

Just come for a walk.

-HE SIGHS

-The park's very rough, Laura.

A lot of...daytime people.

Well, the unemployed, the feckless, the potentially violent.

They're not all like that.

No, no, I'm sure there are lots of talented, dedicated people there too.

Perhaps an artist studying the light on the dog dirt bins

or a botanist in search of a rare orchid

that flourishes on used condoms.

Or maybe just some mothers out with their children

because they're not recluses.

-I'm not a recluse.

-Fine.

Well, you stay here if you want, but life is going on out there and I am going to grab it.

-I didn't think bailiffs carried Tasers.

-The poor guy said he feared for his life.

Africa, Asia, South America, we should cut all foreign aid

and just let them sort it out for themselves.

-Are you hearing this guy?

-Beth, leave it.

It's all just a geo-political exercise in countering Chinese influence anyway.

It's such a waste of capital.

Excuse me, but I think you are massively out of touch

with what's actually happening in those countries.

-Strap yourself in, this is about to get dull.

-No, I know what you think.

You think sending millions of dollars to corrupt kleptocratic governments is a price worth paying

so long as 30 quid gets through to dig a well.

-Oh, my God! It's a male Beth.

-Beth, we're going to go.

That is a hopelessly superficial analysis of development funding

and how dare you assume you know what I think.

All right then, Kofi Annan, let's hear your insights.

DOG BARKS

-All right?

-Hi.

-Look at her, she's dead sweet.

-Thanks.

-What's her name?

-Emily.

-Aww!

Hey, gives us a look at your phone.

-Is this the new one?

-Yeah.

Oh, look at the photos.

-Oh, is that the dad?!

-Yeah.

-He's well fit.

-He's not as fit as Ryan.

-Who's Ryan?

-He's Jayden's dad.

-You wish.

-Fat Pete Hindle's Jayden's dad.

-I never shagged Fat Pete.

-Kerry, I'll take that lighter off you!

-Do one, Mum.

Uh,... yeah, I should... I need to get going.

So if I could just get my phone back?

-No can do, mate.

-DOG WHINES

Leave the dog alone!

Sorry, can I...

Ah-ah! Where's the sim go on these?

-It's my phone.

-It's a mini-sim, innit.

-You can get an adapter.

-I don't want the sim, I want the phone.

-Are you mugging me?

-Yeah. Piss off, Kate Middleton.

But I...

DOG BARKS

Oi!

Wait! We was just messing with ya.

Oh, thanks!

-Obviously, I'm going to need a tenner for it.

-But it's my phone!

-I can't go back with nuffin.

-Oh, well, I've only got a 20. Yeah.

Cheers. Well, I'd get off it I were you,

Keeley had her eye on your buggy.

-Thank you.

-BIKE BELL RINGS

All right, Alan, just thought I'd get some exercise.

It's all right, Laura told me about the car.

In fact, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Shall we?

Yeah, I'll just...

It's the pedal...

HE GROANS

HE MUTTERS

Come in.

-Here you are, Jenny.

-Thank you.

BELL RINGS

This would look nice on you, Kelly. It's your colour.

I don't know.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-Hi, I'm free now. Just wondered if you wanted to meet up?

-No, I'm busy, actually. Just with some friends.

-What friends?

-Hmm, just some new friends. OK, I have to go, bye.

-BELL RINGS

See?

That's why I can't drive.

Right. OK, so you pay off the loan.

Yeah, and you get your car back, then work as my driver to pay back the debt.

I need the transport, you need the money. And I can't drive like this.

Erm...no. Course not. Hey, I've always fancied driving a Jag.

You're not driving my car.

I mean, insurance-wise it's probably simplest if we use yours?

Yeah, all right.

Ooh, one thing though.

We shouldn't let Sandra know about our arrangement.

-She might think I was exploiting you.

-Exactly.

-Yes.

-And Janet wouldn't...

-Want me to be seen dead in a battered up old Astra, no.

I was going to say, wouldn't want things to get awkward between us all.

That too. But I have a plan. We don't tell them.

Hmm.

THEY CHATTER

Excuse me, are you following us?

No! I... Yes, I am, yeah.

Can I ask why?

It's just you seem really nice.

I don't really know any other mums.

-You just seemed really nice and...friendly and so I...

-OK.

-I don't really know, sorry.

-OK. It's all right.

-Oh, she's very young, isn't she?

-It's only been a few weeks, hasn't it?

-Yes. I just... I feel very...

-Tired.

-And alone.

-Sometimes!

-I'm just very...

-Overwhelmed.

-That's exactly how I feel, Jenny!

-Oh! How do you know my name?

-Kelly said it when you were in the shop.

-And that green top would suit you.

-Thank you, that's what I was saying.

-See! We're just...

-ALL LAUGH

We all have quite similar colouring, we could share clothes.

-Eventually, you know.

-OK.

There's a nice cafe on the corner that a lot of the mums use.

Yes, I saw you there.

I know the one.

So, you could join us tomorrow, if you're free.

I would really love that.

Keith, the car's in the drive.

-I know, I paid the release fee.

-How?

-With money...from my job.

-What job?!

-Got a delivery job.

-And they gave you money up front?!

Yeah...erm, petrol money.

Do they not want people with vans?

Can't you just be happy that I am working?

-Course I am!

-Right.

-Oh, God!

I was just worried that you were becoming one of those stay-at-home losers.

-PHONE RINGS

-Sorry, let me get that.

Hello? Oh, sorry, it's work.

Yeah, sorry,... where was that parcel going to?

-What the hell are you talking about?

-The parcel that I'll be delivering in my car.

-Oh, is Sandra there?

-That's correct.

-Right.

And what time do you want me at the...parcel place?

-It's called a depot.

-Yep, the depot, as we all call it.

Very smooth, Keith. I'm lucky MI5 didn't recruit you first.

-Yeah. Just give me a time!

-Round here in about 15 minutes?

All right. OK. I'll see you then Al-vin.

Al-vin, yes, brilliant recovery(!)

Yeah.

It's Alvin...at the depot.

He's so arrogant.

There's no way I can meet up with him. No way.

-Oh, my God! Beth fancies him.

-I do not fancy him!

-Yeah, come on, he was a dick.

-He's not a dick, he's quite clever.

-He just needs setting straight on some things.

-Oh, my God! You do fancy him!

This is a girls chat. We're having a girls chat with Beth!

We should do each other's make up and have pillow fights in our underwear and that.

Yeah, cos that's what girls do.

-Why can't you pick a nice normal guy?

-They're overrated.

-So you are interested in him.

-I'm not interested in him.

-Then don't go.

-Then he'll think he's won!

I'll just go and tell him that I'm not going.

So you're going to meet him to tell him that you're not going to meet him.

Exactly.

Boys are so confusing, aren't they?

-Are you going to get the door?

-Eh?

Hmm.

HE TUTS

PHONE RINGS

-Hiya.

-'Where are you?'

-Just out.

-'I've got the shopping to do. How long before you're back?'

-Half an hour?

-Maybe longer, I've got an awkward package.

-'OK, just get on with it.'

OK, bye. Love you.

-Hello?

-She's a bit intense, isn't she?

Oh, she's never off my case since I stopped working.

At least she's still interested in you.

Janet's so tied up with her job these days...she barely notices me.

Maybe you should do something to catch her attention? Surprise her.

-Like what?

-You could do a fake special meal.

-What's that?

-It's a special meal...but fake.

Yes, I understood the words individually, I'm still not clear on the concept.

Right, you buy an expensive ready meal

and then all the ingredients that go into that ready meal.

-Right.

-You bung the ready meal in the oven

and whilst it's cooking you chop up the ingredients.

You bin half, you mess up the kitchen with the rest. Bingo!

It looks like you've made it

and it doesn't even matter what it tastes like because you have made the effort.

-I might try that. Oh, and I'm buying you this.

-Ah, that's very generous.

I need my driver to look smart.

-Fancy some lunch?

-I know a pub.

-You've played before then.

-Snooker mainly, but it's a...transferable skill.

I...see that tremor's settled down too.

-Oh, yes!

-Hmm.

-Another game?

-We're on next.

-We've got another quid down, mate.

-I don't see it.

-Hey...hang on.

Wait, perhaps these gentlemen will give me the chance to win my pound back off them. Hmm?

How do these go again? Hmm?

I miss the Land Rover, the Audi's so low.

-God knows how we're going to do picnics.

-Yeah, that must be hard.

I told Dan we need a 4x4.

Not that he's ever around for picnics. It's work, work, work.

-He's either with patients or sleeping.

-Or sleeping with patients!

So tell us about Emily's daddy, what does he do? Oh, let me guess, go-getting lawyer?

-SHE LAUGHS

-No.

I bet it's something mad like architect.

-No, he's studying.

-Where's he studying?

-College.

-Which college?

Er...sixth-form college.

-He's doing his A-levels.

-Oh...well.

-I'm going to get some more coffee. Laura, will you give me a hand?

-Thank you! Yes! I mean, yes.

I will. OK.

Ignore the Yummies, they don't even live in the real world.

-I'm sure they're really nice.

-Well, they could be a lot nicer,

considering they're sponsored to piss around all day and shop.

Some of us have got real jobs. You work, right?

No, not yet, but I am thinking about it.

You should, because then you'd be a lot more like me,

exhausted and constantly on the edge of a nervous breakdown!

Actually, I've got half a day off on Tuesday, you should come to mine.

-Oh, that would be lovely.

-Great, about two?

-OK.

Yes!

Let's go again. Double or quits?

We're £400 down, Alan, I think we should just call it a day.

-What are you talking about? We're hustling them.

-Are we?

Of course! Why else would you be deliberately losing?

I've been trying to win.

Oh. Well, we can't stop now.

Erm...

Erm...double or quits...again?

-Show us the money then.

-Well, how about my car as collat...

Whoa! No! Wouldn't your wife, Sandra...

She's going to kill you if you lose that.

The way I see it, it's my Jaguar in that car park,

I can bet it if I want to.

Yes, you may as well put those away, gents. You won't be needing them.

Oh, I see.

God! Argh!

Argh! Grab the money, Alan!

-You dropped your keys.

-Give us the money now!

-Lads, lads, lads, calm down.

-Give us the fucking money!

-We did actually win the game.

-Not the time, Alan.

-Tell you what, £100 a headlight.

-Don't touch the headlights.

-Ah! Look at that.

-My Jag! It cost me a lot of money.

-Oh, no, Sandra's going to go mental.

-No, please, guys.

-SIREN

What the fuck you doing to my car? CLATTERING

SIREN

In the front, Alan! In the front!

TYRES SCREECH

-OK, I'm going to go now.

-You've been saying that for two hours.

-Just relax. We both know this is a date now.

-It's not a date!

Come on, we clearly like each other.

I think you're very pretty and we both know I'm good looking.

In a posh, overbite sort of way.

Any self-possessed girl would have kissed me by now.

You haven't because you've got princess syndrome.

-Princess syndrome?

-You think the man should make the first move so you don't have to take responsibility.

-I do not!

-Then why haven't you made the first move?

Who says there's going to be any move?

There aren't cos you've got these regressive views about women which is why I'm not going to kiss you.

Although...for the record, I would really like to.

Yeah...well...

I can't stand him! He's just so... Urgh!

-But we have this...sick connection.

-Girls' chat.

Look, Beth, don't let politics get in the way of happiness.

-Maybe you're right.

-It's like when I tried to get off with that really fit racist girl.

I saw beyond her beliefs to an incredibly well-toned body.

-You're spoiling it now.

-Just forget about him, he's not right for you.

He thinks he is! He's invited me to stay over at his house.

Look, he's rich, he is handsome.

I say go ride that muscular posh boy like you're in some cheap airport novel.

-He's not asked me there for that.

-Don't go.

You disagree with him on everything, why would you want to sleep with him?

I'm not going to sleep with him! And we agree on lots of things, he just hasn't realised that...yet.

-Are you saying you can change him?

-No!

Well, yeah.

-What? Like you're a relationship expert all of a sudden.

-OK, fine!

-Do what you want.

-I will! And I don't need your permission!

-She really needs some female friends.

-God, yes!

OK, so we have got the saucepans in the sink,

we've got the mixed herbs on the chopping board and on the floor

and the food packaging is in the outside bin.

-I think I'm all set.

-Oh, no.

There! Yes. Now you are.

Thanks for this, Keith, really.

Oh, before I forget... your half of yesterday's winnings.

I tell you what, there's the car loan, done.

-OK, thanks.

-Hey. If you ever need a lift though.

Yeah, I think I might try and walk more. Do me good.

-I'll get off then.

-Yeah.

-PHONE RINGS

-Yeah. Oh.

One minute. Hello.

Oh, hi. How late?

But I've cooked supper.

Of course it won't keep, it's all been freshly prepared.

No, that's fine. I'll just bin it!

-She's blown you out?!

-Unbelievable.

A big presentation. That's what I used to say, for God's sake.

And you've spent all day slaving over a stove, for all she knows.

All that effort... I might have made.

-ALAN SIGHS

-It's such a shame!

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

-Shall we keep the candles?

-Er...yeah.

-Probably lose the roses, though.

-Yeah.

-PHONE RINGS

-Ah. It's Sandra. Hiya, San.

-'Are you nearly back yet?'

No, I've got a special delivery.

'God's sake! I've got dinner going cold here.'

Oh, right, I didn't realise you were cooking.

-Will it keep in the oven?

-'No, it won't keep in the bloody oven.'

No, all right then, well, I'll pick something up whilst I'm out.

-'You do that!'

-OK.

-'Hope you choke on it!'

-Bye-bye.

Beth, I must admit, I did have an ulterior motive for inviting you here.

Right. I wondered if this was about...that.

-Well, it is. So...

-Just a second.

# And if one green bottle should accidentally fall

# There'll be... PHONE RINGS

Oh, it's work. Don't worry. Thanks.

-Where were we?

-Seven.

Oh, OK. Shall we just skip to one as I'm not really sure what they're getting out of it anyway.

-Yeah.

-# One green...bottle

-PHONE RINGS

-Sorry.

-No, it's fine.

Yes. Yes, no.

SHE MOUTHS

-Oh, I made us some muffins.

-You bloody what?!

Erm...I made us some muffins.

-Are you an idiot?!

-I...

Well, you'd better bloody reschedule then.

Well, find out when he is sodding available! Jesus!

-More coffee?

-Oh, yeah, thanks.

Right.

-Is instant OK?

-Fine.

-Well, sort it out, Melanie!

Melanie, do not put me on hold or I will set fire to your fucking house.

OK?

-SHE SIGHS

-Yummy! Mmm!

I'm just going to... get some condoms.

OK.

Everything OK?

Yep.

Just a moment.

OK, no. No, no, no!

SHE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

Sorry. Erm...

Gisele. Gisele, slow down.

What's wrong with your father?

Well, if he's unconscious, what's the point in going to talk to him?

Oh, OK, fine.

Honestly, Brazilians! It's all family, family, family!

-SHE SIGHS

-Laura, I feel awful asking you this,

but could you watch William for a couple of hours?

-Oh. Well...I suppose I could.

-Brilliant! Great! OK.

So, he'll be no trouble at all. I've just got to find his inhalers.

-Oh.

-There you go. So... OK. Hello! William, oh, you lucky boy!

You are going to get to spend the whole day with lovely Laura!

-Whole day?

-There you go.

-I thought it was just for a couple of hours.

Gisele will probably be here soon and my husband gets home at nine, so anyway...

Listen, we must do this properly, soon.

-I should call you, though?

-Absolutely. Yep. Bye.

-CHILD SOBS

-Oh, I know. I know.

-What the hell is this?

-It's a horse.

You really haven't been to the country before, have you?

-You hunt foxes?

-Seriously, you want to talk about fox hunting now?

It's over, Jolyon. I'll see myself out.

PHONE RINGS

Keith, are you around at the minute? I could really use a lift.

No, sorry, love, I'm on another job for at least an hour.

Oh, OK, so I'll see you later.

-Oh, bit messy.

-Ooh! Smashing!

-That's good.

-PHONE RINGS

Hang on.

-San, I've got my hands full here.

-'So I see!

'You lying, ice-cream-faced bastard!'

-'Hi.'

-Hi, Jamie. Emily and I have made a lovely new friend

and I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to come over?

Sorry, I can't, I'm out with my mates.

-Oh. OK.

-BABIES GURGLE

You definitely should have boffed him, Beth. That house is massive!

-Why did you have to bring Mike?

-Hey, I'm glad you didn't boff him.

Stop saying boff! I wanted a lift, not post-match analysis.

Ohhh! Don't worry, it's just us girls.

-SHE SIGHS

-Daddy's out with his mates!

Hmm. That's good, isn't it?

-Mummy doesn't need mates.

-THUMPING

Mummy's got all of this(!)

SHE SIGHS HE LAUGHS

You'll be gone all day then?!

-That's not a problem is it, Supermum?

-No. I've got it all covered.

It's all about planning.

Now if there's any problems, give me a call.

-Jamie, don't worry, we're not idiots.

-Well, I'm not an idiot.

-Where the hell is she?

-She's with Alan? Alan?!

-Alan's not safe!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd