Supermum and Hardguy2000 Pramface

This programme contains adult humour

One doesn't like to bandy around terms like mental incompetence.

Oh! Wallet.

-Daddy, I got the job!

-What job?

-Your job, actually.

Maybe you could get a job for your dad, Jamie.

I'm sacking you.

-So are you and Laura all, you know?

-No.

-They're not together.

I have to go, I can't be late for college again.

-Sorry, is raising your child getting in the way of achieving your mediocre A-level results?

-Oh!

I may as well be on my own for all the help you are.

Do you realise how hard this is?

You've got it easy.

I'd love to spend all day with her,

but I have to go to college and work.

Oh, that must be tough.

All that not listening in lessons and hanging around in a toy shop.

It's a damn site harder than swanning around a massive house

with supportive parents and a cleaning lady.

Supportive?

Mum's about as supportive as your average evil stepmother

-and Dad's no use.

-What are you talking about? He's here all day.

Yes, he's here all day smashing things and hurting himself,

leaving the gas on.

-You've still got a cleaner.

-She only comes alternate Thursdays.

Oh, well, bloody hoody hoo!

Someone call the Social Services, Laura's running out of butlers.

-You have no idea, you wouldn't last a day.

-I absolutely would

and I wouldn't moan about it either.

Fine, OK. Let's see how you get on when you have a whole day of it.

-How about this Friday?

-OK, fine.

-Fine. Friday it is, then. Don't wriggle out of it.

-I won't!

Daddy's going to show Mummy up, isn't he?

Because, unlike Mummy, he can multitask.

Failing at two things isn't multitasking.

I won't fail, because I'm a super mum.

The packet says it's stuffed full of raisins,

but I can only find six in this whole bowl.

You think you're maybe stagnating at all, Keith?

How do you mean?

I'm worried your job search may have lost its momentum.

It's tough out there, San, there's hardly any jobs

and loads of qualified candidates.

Get creative with your abilities.

What? Lie?

Absolutely. Fake it till you make it.

And I'm going to support you a lot more.

Ah, cheers, San. Hey, if you just say front us like...a hundred quid.

No, not with money, Keith.

Think of me more as a life coach.

-So, basically, you're going to be on my case all the time?

-Yeah.

How is that different from what you usually do?

I believe in you, Keith, I believe in your ability to find a job.

-Do you?

-And more to the point,

I believe in my ability to make your life a living hell until you do.

Laura thinks looking after a baby's hard work,

but she's just not that organised.

I'll look after Emily, quick feed, a little playtime

and then, she'll have a nap whilst I do a bit of revision

for my re-sit on Monday.

You mean Friday.

No, I mean Monday.

Monday's an INSET Day.

Teacher training.

It's a day off.

-Yes!

-Arrh, shit!

-It's all on the notice board.

-I never look at the notice board.

Where is the notice board?

It's fine, I'll get my dad to look after her.

-No.

-Why not?

He has to focus on his job search.

I can do both.

You are a man who gets distracted by raisins, Keith, you're not doing it.

Look, I've got an exam. It's really important.

Could you take the day off?

No, of course I can't.

You're my parents, you're supposed to be helping.

We are helping. I'm giving you a valuable lesson in self-reliance.

HE SIGHS

And what's Dad doing?

He's demonstrating what happens when you don't get a good education.

See? There's a message in there somewhere.

Just... Just talk to Laura, she'll understand.

HE SIGHS

I doubt that.

You look smart.

Mum's set me up with a work placement at a law firm.

I thought since you're going to blow me out the water as a mother,

that I might have a go at being the breadwinner.

So, you'll be gone all day, then?

-That's not a problem, is it, Supermum?

-No.

Got it all covered. All about planning.

Mm. Good, although I assume you've not mastered lactating yet.

I've expressed enough to last the day,

although you will need to pick some nappies.

Do you think you can manage that?

No problem.

BABY CRIES

We've got no problems at all.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Yes.

'So, Keith, do you have a job yet?'

No, look it's early days, Sandra. I'm...

'Are you watching telly?'

No, I'm literally just about to call another agency.

'I seriously doubt that.'

No, I am, I am.

'Bollocks you are.'

It's just you being on the line

-that's stopping me from calling them.

-'Fine.'

DEAD LINE

Hello?

HE SIGHS

DIALLING TONE

'Hello, Members Village. Bobby speaking, shoot.'

Hello, I'm just calling about the job in the paper.

'Right, what's your name?'

Uh, Keith, Keith Prince.

'Right, Keith, you got experience at this sort of work?'

Uh, yeah, yeah, I've had loads.

Right, so you've seen the website?

You know what we're about here, at Members Village?

Ahh, absolutely, yeah.

No, I'm not the kind of man to go for a job without any preparation.

You've certainly got the voice for it.

It's like honey over river gravel.

-Right.

-'You'd be amazed how many people think'

they can just jump in and do sex chat off the bat.

Right.

Well, as I say, I am very experienced at...sex...

-and chat. Yeah, I've definitely done both of those.

-'Right.'

OK. So, what do you call yourself?

Keith.

What? That's your character name? Keith?

Yeah, keep it simple, you know.

OK, my top northerner's just quit.

He's gone off to tour with the Jersey Boys -

ungrateful little bastard.

Ah, right, yeah, yeah. What a tit.

So you fancy a crack at it?

I'm your man!

Sorry to dump her on you like this, but I don't have any other choice.

-That's very flattering.

-Are you saying you don't trust us?

No, I trust you both, especially Beth.

Don't worry, I will treasure her.

It will be like looking after a tiny, female, little Jamie, won't it?

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

OK, OK, keep her warm, feed her,

never let her out of your sight.

Oh, and you'll need some size-two nappies.

Uh, you can keep your whale-choking disposables,

I've bought washable nappies with me.

Oop, saving the planet, one turd at a time.

Ooh, I call shotgun.

-Shotgun?

-Yeah, I get to push the pram.

-No, I'll push the pram.

-Why do you get to push the pram?

-Because I know it doesn't involve a shotgun.

Just take it in turns.

Now, if there's any problems, give me a call

and I mean any problems at all.

Jamie, don't worry, we're not idiots.

Well, I'm not an idiot.

Laura, how nice to meet you at last, we're very pleased to have you.

Yes, so pleased.

Thank you very much for the opportunity, Olivia.

I'm glad to hear Janet's back in practice.

She's a hell of a litigator.

Oh, yes, Mum is...

something else.

Oh, I didn't realise there was a connection. No CV required from you.

Fiona will be babysitting you today.

Actually, I've still got some prep to do

for your 1pm with Richard Dunbar.

-Well, now you can have some help.

-How wonderful.

-In fact, Fiona...

-Mm?

..have Laura sit in on the meeting. A pretty girl in the room

never hurts with that lecherous little sod.

DOOR CLOSES

I see you're taking a year off.

Yes. I thought I'd pick up some real-world skills before university.

So you have no skills in the real world.

No, I have lots, but...

So you're doing a year of what exactly?

Well, um...

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Child development is an area that I have been involved in.

And how is that relevant?

I thought it might help with family law.

-Will it?

-No.

Coffee.

Oh, yes, thank you, I'd love one.

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, you want me to make the coffees?

Look on it as a real-world skill.

DIALLING TONE

'You are logged in.'

HE SIGHS

OK, come on, Keith, sexy chat.

Come on, you can do this, sexy chat, sexy chat.

It's just, "Hey, what's your name..."

TELEPHONE RINGS

Oh! OK...

Hello there.

-MAN'S VOICE:

-'Well, hello to you too.'

That's a bit of a nasty cold you got there.

'I don't have a cold.'

All right, well, you've got a naturally husky voice then,

that's...that's very sexy.

'Thank you.'

It's quite deep too. Don't suppose you're a heavy smoker.

'Can we just get on with this?'

You're a man, aren't ya?

'Look, I'm paying three quid a minute for this.

'Now, what's your body like?'

Oh, wow, sorry, mate. I think there's been a misunderstanding.

HE PANTS

-Are you standing by a washing machine?

-'No!'

RATTLING NOISE

Oh, no, sorry. Look, mate, I am just like a normal...

I'm like a straight bloke. I didn't realise it was this kind of...

-I'm a married man, just hang up.

-'No, no, wait, we're in the street,

'behind the bar where we've just met.'

-Nope. I'm just walking past, I'm not getting involved.

-'Yes, you are, you are

-'and you want it. Ooh.'

-I don't, I don't, I'm just at home

and I'm just going to watch some telly, probably going to get an early night.

Do you know what I mean, get me head down?

-'Oooh, that's good!'

-What?

-'Take it. Take it!'

-Take what?

-'Oh, yes!'

-No. Don't...

-'Oh! Oh!'

-God...

-'Oh, yeah! Oh! Yeah!'

HE PANTS

DEAD LINE

'Call duration, one minute and 14 seconds.'

Aargh!

No!

HE SIGHS

Here we go.

-No.

-No?

I've obviously started you on too high a level.

Beth, get off, it's my turn.

All right, just be careful.

What makes you feel I'm not going to be careful?

The fact you were making engine noises as you ran down the last hill.

I was doing it for the baby.

Which one?

What's the matter, out of gas?

She's too quiet.

That's what a sleeping baby sounds like. Don't disturb her!

Yes, that's also what a dead baby sounds like. I just, I want to check.

-No, don't wake her, Mike!

-Beth, I'm pushing the pram,

I'm in charge of her.

Yes, but I'm in charge of you. Now, stop...

BABY CRIES

-You've upset her now.

-You've upset her.

-You did.

-You did!

Look, this isn't going to work out.

No, I completely agree, I think we should split up.

Yeah, for the sake of the child if nothing else, so...

Why do you get custody?

Cos I'm her closest relative.

What the hell are you talking about?

Me and Jamie are like brothers,

you're like a weird cousin or family pet.

OK, OK, let's be civil about this.

We'll share custody.

15 minutes each.

Fine.

I'm glad you decided to be mature about all this.

I get first go, I called it!

SHE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

BREAST PUMP IS ON

DOOR OPENS

Laura?

Are you in here?

BANGING NOISE

SHE MOANS

What are you doing in there?

Nothing. I just, um...

Nothing.

TOILET FLUSHES

Sorry. I just...

I need you to cover reception for an hour.

OK, well, it will make a nice change from highlighting.

Oh, that still has to be done, bring it with you.

Oh, but I...

What?

You never heard of multi-tasking?

Yes. No, I am familiar with the term.

-Ahh, she's beautiful.

-Thank you.

You and your partner must be very proud.

Oh, actually, no, we're not together.

She died.

-Oh, God.

-Yeah, awful.

It's been really difficult for me.

-And the mother, of course.

-Of course.

Oh, that's... Oh...

You know, talking to you about my feelings is really healing.

Maybe we could go for a coffee sometime?

-Ummm.

-There you are.

I was so worried.

Oh, no, Mike,

you're not using our child to pick up women again, are you?

I'm sorry, I really don't know who this is.

Um, she seems to know your name.

-You can't turn up and run off with her, the courts were very clear about it, yeah?

-The courts?

-He sells her clothes for heroin, innit?

-I should be going.

-Can I get your number...

-Things haven't been right between us,

but I thought we were going to give it another go.

I mean, yes, you gave me all those sexually transmitted diseases,

but I forgive you!

You're my baby father, yeah.

LIFT BELL DINGS

SHE SIGHS

TELEPHONE VIBRATES

(Hello?)

(Jamie, you need to bring Emily here now.)

(Oooh, I don't think we can.

(We're having ice cream.)

(Don't! Don't give her ice cream.)

(Why do you need her anyway?

(We're fine, we're having fun.)

(My breast pump is buggered,

(and if I don't feed her soon, I'm going to go off like a fire hydrant.)

(Can't you just wait?)

(No! Jamie, why are you whispering?)

(Because Emily's asleep.

(Why are you whispering?)

(Look, I'm going to text you the address,

(just bring her here in 20 minutes, OK?)

(Yeah, I don't think I can come.)

TELEPHONE RINGS

TELEPHONE RINGS

TELEPHONE RINGS

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello.

'Keith, it's Bobby, from Members Village. Good news.'

You got a five-star review for your whole Northern family man thing.

Er, yeah, Bobby, I don't think it's going to work out.

Are you kidding? You could be the next Hardguy2000.

Don't think I want to be the next Hardguy2000.

'Look, I tell you what, I'm going to double your rate.'

I guarantee you £50 an hour.

50 quid an hour? Don't talk daft.

Don't talk daft! I mean, it's fantastic material.

'That's why you get the big bucks.

'Now, you get logged in and start earning.'

Mm...

Yes, I know, I know,

but nasty disposable nappies take a thousand years to degrade.

That's a long time.

Mike, come here.

Oh, no, I wouldn't want to intrude.

She's all yours for another seven minutes.

Seriously, something is wrong, she looks weird, just get over here.

Why's her face like that? That's not right, is it?

Maybe she's sick. What do we do?

I don't know, you're the in charge.

-We are both in charge!

-Oh, right, so now she's sick, we're both in charge.

She's stopped. Why has she stopped?

I don't know. Oh, my God, what if she's cried herself to death?

-They can't do that, can they do that?

-I don't know.

You should pick her up.

You pick her up, you're the one who killed her.

You were right here!

Yes, but it was on your shift.

Just pick her up and check she's not dead.

Come on, Emily, please, please be alive for your Uncle Mike.

BABY BREAKS WIND

Oh, yeah, good girl.

-I think it was just wind.

-That's what I said, it was just wind.

You never said it was wind.

Look, it was a fast moving situation,

let's not get hung up on who said what.

The main thing is she's OK.

That was horrible. I thought she was...

I know, I know, don't even say it.

I'm so not ready for kids.

We got through it though, didn't we?

We're taking her home.

Yep.

Oh, oh, no, right, yeah.

-That's interesting. I never though about it from that angle.

-'Aaah!'

HE PANTS

Oh, and you're done. That's...

DEAD LINE

Hello?

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello, caller, how are you?

-Keith?

-Oh, hiya, San, how are you doing?

Never mind how I'm doing, have you got a job yet?

Uh, actually, I do, I am now working in phone...sales.

'Ooh, right.'

Bloody hell!

-I mean, not that I didn't think you could.

-'You know, actually,'

you're going to need to clear the line, cos I've got work to do.

Oh, well, well done again.

Yep, yep. OK, I've got to go now. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Come on, Keith, you bloody stallion.

HE SIGHS

Um, sorry to bother you,

um, but could you take Emily for a couple of hours?

Oh, um...I'd be delighted to.

Yes, shall I?

It's just we thought...

Yes, no, fine. Bye.

Well, then, somebody needs Granddad, don't they?

And a new nappy too.

OK, there are no nappies left.

Umm, I don't mean to panic you with this.

My problem, not yours.

And it's well within my capabilities.

What?

It is.

TELEPHONE VIBRATES

I'm done.

-You're done?

-Yeah.

On a paper you failed three weeks ago,

you're finishing it with 40 minutes still to go.

Been revising pretty hard.

-VOICE MAILS:

-'Jamie if you don't call me in the next five minutes...'

'Jamie, what the hell are you doing? Call me...'

'Argh, that's it! I'm going to kill you!'

That is waterproof.

That is absorbent, yes.

And that...is parcel tape.

Who needs nappies?

Yes, and you shall go to the ball.

I can't imagine why you ever doubted me, to be honest.

Right, time we made some changes round here.

Jamie, where have you been?

Why the hell haven't you been picking up?

We've been busy getting ready to come out and...

HE PANTS

..singing, haven't we, Emily?

Yeah, she's smiling.

Where are you?

We're five minutes away. We'll be there.

You'd better bloody be there.

I, I was just...

No.

Beth, where the hell are you?

Nothing happened.

I need you to bring Emily to my house.

I don't actually have her.

Where the hell is she?

Please don't tell me you left her with Mike.

Of course not, she's with Alan.

Alan? Alan's not safe!

Oooh.

There, no more banged heads for you.

Because believe me, Emily, you do not want a banged head.

Ooh!

Too pointy. That's got to go.

Where's my salesman of the month?

Aha, yeah.

Oh, well that's a very interesting question, very good question.

I'll probably give them a little, um...

Yes.

PANTING

'Shake it all about, slap it on your left buttock

'and then, what I'm going to do

'is I'm going to put it right back in there.'

You get that out of there right now.

Oh, God, Sandra?

'Who's Sandra?'

-That's my wife.

-'Oh, God, that's hot.'

Keith, what are you doing? It is disgusting.

'Yes, Keith, ooohh!'

DEAD LINE

Oh!

-I can explain.

-You can explain?

You can explain why you're having phone sex with a strange man.

Yeah, it's my job.

No, you work in sales.

I do sex chat. I'm...

HE SIGHS

I'm a sexy chatter.

Oh, God. Oh, God, that's...

Yeah, I know.

And I'm going to stop. God, I want to stop, like it's not worth it,

not even for 300 quid a day.

Damn right you'll stop. God almighty, that's like...

How much?

It's 300, I mean it's four if I do evenings.

But, no, you're right,

there's no amount of money worth degrading myself like this.

No, no.

I'm going to call them now, have my name taken off the database.

No, let's just think this through.

I mean, it's not like you're having actual sex with them.

No, but I mean, emotionally, it's the same.

It's not exactly the same though, is it? I mean, it's more like you're acting, like you're playing a part.

No, I know, but the things they make me say.

But work is work,

and sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and take it.

Sorry.

Look, these are lonely, unhappy people and they need an outlet.

Well, I suppose.

And, in a way, you are providing a valuable social service.

Are you saying I should carry on?

I don't see how you have a choice, Keith.

HE SIGHS

WATER RUNNING

'You are logged in.'

OK, are you ready?

Go for it.

TELEPHONE RINGS

HE SIGHS

Hello, you're through to Keith.

Me? I'm just a normal married man.

Yep.

An average bloke with a family that I'm proud to support.

Yeah.

Right.

Do you want me to rub it?

(No.)

Ooh, you like that, don't ya?

(No!)

Yep, do you want me to do it faster?

Yeah, that's good.

Mm-hm, yeah. Go on, yeah.

Yeah, ram it in.

Oh!

Yeah. Mm, yeah.

Like it. Oh!

Oooh! You violate me with your monster cock.

Shame on you.

First thing tomorrow, you're getting a proper job.

Ow!

Oh, God. Er, Laura.

What?

Oh, God! Oh!

Argh!

Laura, I'm so sorry.

Bloody hell, Fiona, what happened?

I slipped. So sorry. Come on, let's go and get you dried off.

-Yes.

-So sorry.

Thank you, I'm sorry, I didn't realise I was...

It's OK, I've got a kid myself.

So this is the gap year on your CV, then?

Yeah.

But you're still breast-feeding? What are you doing here?

Well, I just didn't want to fall behind

and...there are so many good candidates.

You've got something far better than any of them.

What's that?

Nepotism.

Thanks, Fiona.

-Ah, ah, mind the tits. I'll call you a cab.

-OK.

SHE SIGHS

Jamie, hi. Change of plan, can you just bring Emily home now, OK?

We're nearly at your office.

Yeah, well, I'm heading home now.

Why are you heading home? Don't go home, stay at work.

-'Well, I'm in a taxi, Jamie. I'll see you in a bit.'

-Oh!

Taxi? That's cheating!

No, no, no...

Hiya, just checking where you're up to?

'Oh, I'm stuck in traffic, where are you?'

Ooh, poor you, I'm just pushing Emily up to the front door.

-We've had a lovely time together.

-'Uh-huh. What have you been doing?'

Oh, just went to the park, went for a walk around. Saw some ducks.

'Oh, right...'

-Alan, I need Emily.

-She's in the kitchen.

She was laughing, I think she misses her mummy, though.

Oh, bollocks.

There's actually another party. It's Jamie's 18th.

Oh, for God's sake, Laura, it's time to move on.

A party tomorrow night? I'll be there. There'll be drugs.

MUSIC PLAYS

I'm 18 and it's my birthday.

-Well, congratulations.

-You're not the only adult in this relationship.

You're not my boyfriend, Jamie,

we're just two people who had a kid.

# If I see a light flashing

# Could this mean that I'm coming home?

# If I see a man waving

# Does this mean that I'm not alone?

# If I see a light flashing

# Could this mean that I'm coming home? #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd