Just Two People with a Kid Pramface

-You'll be gone all day, then?

-That's not a problem, is it, Supermum?

-No.

I've got it all covered. All about planning.

Now, if there's any problems, give me a call.

Jamie, don't worry, we're not idiots.

Well, I'M not an idiot.

-Where the hell is she?

-She's with Alan.

Alan? Alan's not safe.

Yeah, she's fine.

I think she misses her mummy, though.

Oh, bollocks.

This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature

So how many people have you actually invited?

Because my mum says we can probably only afford about 50.

It's fine, it's just a few people from college.

Kimberly Richards.

Ah! Lovely Kimberly.

Stephanie, brackets, fit Stephanie,

not Stephanie whatshername, close brackets.

-That Stephanie's nice.

-You can have her at your party, then.

-The girls' hockey team?

-There's only 11 of them.

The girls' hockey B team?

Oh, yeah, but I'm not inviting the goalies.

I don't know half of these girls.

Exactly. Play to our strengths.

I notice there are no boys on this list.

Yeah, there is, there's me, there's Jamie.

Fine, I'll invite the goalies.

Who have you asked?

Mum, Dad and Leanne from work.

Your parents and your boss? What are you doing?

This party is in crisis.

It's in 24 hours, we haven't even got any confirmed hot girls.

I'm waiting to hear back from Laura too.

Why on earth would you want her there?

Because she's the mother of my child.

Exactly. Why on earth would you want her there?

-I just thought it would be nice.

-Really?

Yeah. And she'll be bringing Emily.

Oh, great, a baby too(!)

If I didn't invite her, it'd look bad.

Fine.

Mum, Dad, Emily, Laura.

-Thank you.

-We're pushing it for numbers.

I'm going to have to drop some of the netball squad and maybe Beth.

PHONE RINGS

'Hi, Laura, how's it going?'

What do you want?

Look, I know you're probably really busy.

Yes, I am busy.

'I wondered if you'd thought about coming to my 18th.

'It'd be really nice if...'

HE MIMICS AN AEROPLANE

'Dad!'

-Sorry, Jamie, your 18th.

-'Yeah.'

It's tomorrow. It'd be really nice to see you.

Yeah, I don't know if I can make it, to be honest.

Danielle's back from uni this weekend.

She can come too and you can bring Emily.

'Really? No, I don't think so.'

It's for family too. You're family.

Hardly.

Well, I'd still like you to come anyway.

OK, well, yeah, I'll have a think about it.

'Oh, great, it's at the...'

DIAL TONE

Mission accomplished.

Thanks, Dad.

Yeah, that's right, "Happy birthday, Jamie"

in Roman candles and Catherine wheels with a rocket finale.

How much? And without the rockets is that...?

He'll call you back.

OK, so that's quotes for the fireworks, the bubble machine

and the weapons-grade confetti cannon.

Does that say stripper?

No. Oh.

Yes.

You are not booking a stripper.

No, it's paint stripper.

It's street slang! You know, as in cheap booze.

How much is all this costing?

Remember, Jamie's parents are paying.

Oh, it's fine, his dad loves a party.

And that is why the government have funded these workshops

for the long-term unemployed.

A positive mental attitude plays a big part in getting a job,

so we're looking at how to tap in to that positive energy

that's all around us.

We'll be looking at mindfulness exercises, meditation, basic yoga.

Now, let's take a look at why work is a four-letter word.

Willpower. Objectives.

Relaxation. Karma.

Here's some literature for you to read before next time.

Do we have to read this?

Keep it job positive. Read this and, trust me, a positive will result.

Yeah, right.

You won't get your benefits cut.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

'Hiya. We still on for tomorrow night?'

Hi. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm really looking forward to it.

Good. Cos Olly's having a party.

Oh. Oh, OK. I thought we were just going to chill.

'You need to get out, girl, before you turn into'

a class A baby bore.

'It's not actually the baby.'

It's just that there's another party. It's Jamie's 18th.

Oh, for God's sake, Laura, it's time to move on.

But what about Emily? I'm going to have to get a babysitter.

Duh, what are parents for? Come on, we are going to Olly's party.

OK. Sounds great.

Keith?

Keith.

Keith, are you OK?

I feel fantastic.

You look terrible.

I hate to say it - she was right.

If I want to get myself a job,

I've got to get myself into a positive mindset.

That comes from two key things -

physical fitness...

HE COUGHS

..and spiritual awareness.

Do you know, Buddha once sat in the same spot for 49 days in a row?

Like you during the World Cup.

You do not need enlightenment. What you need is a job.

It will come.

But first I need to align myself with the right energies.

Make me a tea, green, no sugar.

-Green?

-Yeah. Takes ten years off you.

Party tomorrow night.

Are you handing those to random women?

No. Random hot women.

This is it, Beth, this is my career sorted.

Party entrepr... Ent... Entrep...

Party organiser.

-So did you cancel the stripper?

-I didn't book a stripper.

Mike!

OK, I'll get on it.

Party tomorrow night? I'll be there.

There'll be drugs.

-Drugs? What do you mean drugs?

-Shhhh!

Course there'll be drugs - it's a party.

You are aware they're illegal.

Exactly. That's what makes them so cool.

Drugs keep farmers in Columbia in abject poverty.

No, Beth, I think you're getting a little bit confused.

Drugs are expensive.

Oh, for God's sake.

Look, don't worry, the drugs I'm getting, they're 100% organic,

ethically-sourced and, best of all, free.

What the hell are you talking about?

Don't worry, I've got it all planned.

Yeah. Those two phrases don't go together.

CUTLERY SQUEAKS ON PLATE

For the love of God, Keith, would you not have some meatballs?

I'm trying to back off consuming animal products. Meat is murder.

They're economy supermarket meatballs,

it can only be 50% murder, if that.

You can't just have fruit.

It's already playing havoc with your guts.

It's a necessary stage on the path to mental positivity. I'm detoxing.

Is that what it's called? You'll end up living in that toilet.

OK, I'm heading out.

Wait, wait. For your birthday cake, do you want your usual?

You know, the hungry moose?

Mum, it's my 18th.

I know, but they do a big one now so I can get all the candles on it.

No, I mean, I think I've probably outgrown it.

Oh, God. My little boy's too old for the hungry moose.

Quite right too, son. It's all just soulless

commercial exploitation of man's natural birth cycle.

Now, if you will excuse me...

Where are you going?

Detox.

Magic mushroom land.

Looks a bit tricky, Beth. I better go first.

Just think, somewhere in this field are some of

the most powerful, mind-altering substances in the world.

Hey, maybe that's why cows are always so spaced out.

-Let's try over here.

-Are you sure you know what you're looking for?

Yeah, mushrooms.

Do you know how many varieties there are?

There's those big ones, the ones that gnomes sit on.

Those are toadstools.

All right, what about these ones? Any good?

That's a death cap.

They cause nausea, heart palpitations,

low blood pressure, vomiting and then a coma.

How long would the coma be for, roughly?

Ah, look, I think I've found some.

These ones? They just look like ordinary mushrooms.

Maybe that's what's so magic about them.

Makes sense.

Woo-hoo, we're going to be off our tits.

-No offence.

-None taken.

Oh, look at that one. It's a beauty.

Laura?

Laura, we're shopping for YOU. So pick something.

Oh, OK. Um...

This.

God, no, that's like a neon sign screaming,

"Mum going out for the first time in a year."

Um... This?

See, now, that is a hot dress.

Olly's mates will be all over you.

Yeah, it's probably really expensive.

Yeah, it's really expensive.

Laura, I'm not going to let you turn into

one of those boring single mums who never goes out, OK?

This dress says you're back in the game.

Or back on the game.

Even better. We're getting it.

Hey! Nice one, Mum.

Well, you were banging on about it for about six months. And now...

Keith!

Ta-da!

SHE CHUCKLES Oh, Mum!

I couldn't resist it. Oh.

Keith!

Keith, where are you?

-In here.

-Ah, come on.

Give us five minutes.

Oh, for God's sake. Keith!

You know what, will you grab them plates?

We'll just have it in the living room.

Great.

Get that door there, love.

Ah, thanks.

Mother of Jesus, Keith!

Dad, what are you doing?

It's called the lotus. It's very calming.

I think I'd rather have my cake in the kitchen.

You know, Keith, for a man squatting on a Homebase rug

in his underwear, you actually look quite good.

Have you lost a bit of weight?

No. I've gained perspective.

Ah, well, whatever it is, I like it.

Now, come and have some cake.

After I've done the crouching ostrich.

I'm not sure what that is

but I'm guessing I should close the curtains.

Ohh.

Nice dress.

Thanks.

Sandra did invite us tonight, but I said we had to babysit for you.

Feeble excuse, I know, but...

No, you are babysitting for me.

Are we? Oh, good. The truth - perfect alibi.

Well, give Jamie the bumps from me.

Oh, no, I'm not going to Jamie's.

Oh, does that mean I'm lying again?

No, I'm going to another party with Danielle, so...

Oh, right. And Jamie's OK with that, is he?

I doubt he'll even notice that I'm not there.

Shouldn't you just pop in?

Why?

Well, it is a big event, isn't it?

-I think you should maybe make the effort.

-Dad!

I make all the effort. I'm at home with Emily every day.

The few times I ask him to do something, he lets me down.

He's a useless father.

No.

I was a useless father.

I missed your first words, your first steps,

missed most of the first five years, really.

I even volunteered to go on business trips.

I mean, I know it's not easy for you

but Jamie does try.

I think you should cut the boy some slack.

Hmm?

Anyway...

Hi!

OK, so nice dress but that it definitely not the right accessory.

-We are not going to Jamie's.

-I really think I ought to go.

-Well, I'm not going.

-Well, I can't face walking in on my own.

-Please, just for a bit?

-No way.

I'll buy all the drinks and then you can go on to Olly's.

I can go on to Olly's?

I'll pay for the cab. Please, please? We're still going out.

Yep. All three of us. Whoo(!)

MUSIC: "Flashback" by Calvin Harris

# If I could change my state of mind

# Then I would disappear

# The love I get from you is something I can't chance. #

Brilliant! Thanks, Beth.

Jamie, Jamie!

What's wrong with Mike?

Oh, nothing, it's just the hallucinogenic drugs.

-What?

-Don't worry, he thinks he's got magic mushrooms,

but they're not, they're the un-magic but delicious type.

He wants us all to take some.

Shall we?

Anything to shut him up.

Right, so I got the lager and I got the M&M's.

-You ready?

-Sure, why not?

OK, let's fly. Come on, Mike, you take some first.

OK.

Anything?

Yeah, I'm tripping. Definitely.

What's it like?

Magic.

Cool.

Come on, you sexy, bendy man.

Right, you, come on. Let's do this.

Whoo!

-Whoop!

-Hey!

Right up the crack of your arse.

Hi, son. Happy birthday.

Thanks, Mum. Thank you.

All right, hey, happy birthday, buddy.

-Thanks. Thanks for making the effort.

-That's all right.

Don't worry, I'm sure she'll turn up.

Do you want a drink?

Yeah, we are here to party.

-What do you want?

-Tap water.

And a large glass of white.

A large white wine and a tap water, please, mate.

Jamie, happy birthday.

This is my cousin, Hannah.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Happy birthday, Jamie.

Jamie's the one who reorganised all the under-fives merchandise.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, that's me. King of the soft toys.

Do you want a drink?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

All right, Leanne?

Keith.

Come on, you. Let's move.

Beth, your 'shrooms kicked in yet?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, the colours are really vivid, aren't they?

Really? I'm not getting anything.

Are you drinking as well, though?

Yeah, course.

Maybe you have a very high tolerance threshold.

Yeah, yeah, no, that sounds right.

Maybe you should take some more.

-Do you think?

-Yeah, go for it.

Whoo!

I am the mushroom man!

Hey, let's crank up the music, everybody. Wahey!

Sorry.

VOLUME DECREASES

Ah, the 'shrooms are really kicking in now.

Oh, the colours are, like, changing colour, man.

I think that's just the disco lights, Mike.

Amazing. Whoo!

MUSIC: "Feel So Close" by Calvin Harris

# I wear my heart upon my sleeve Like a big deal

# Your love pours down on me Surrounds me like a waterfall

# And there's no stopping us... #

Come on, toy boy. Come and dance with us.

Oh, OK.

# I feel so close to you right now

# It's a force field

# I wear my heart upon my sleeve Like a big deal

# Your love pours down on me Surrounds me like a waterfall... #

You made it.

Happy birthday, Jamie. And Emily says, "Happy birthday, Daddy."

Hello!

And I say, "Is there a free bar?"

Sure.

This is from Emily.

Ah, that's lovely, thanks, Em.

All her own work.

Ah, that's really nice, thanks, Laura.

I'm so glad you came.

She likes the music.

Do you want to dance?

Who?

All of us.

OK.

Dance with Daddy.

Come on.

MUSIC: "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People

# Robert's got a quick hand

# He'll look around the room He won't tell you his plan

# He's got a rolled cigarette

# But he's coming for you Yeah, he's coming for you... #

All right, Danielle? Do you remember me?

Yes.

MUSIC: "Belly Dancer" by Akon

# Girl, I must say you're the flyest thing in here

# So hot we gonna need some rain in here

# Type to make ex-gangsters bang in here

# Girl, you could do anything you want in here

# Clown if you want to Frown if you want to

# You ain't even got to drop down if you want to

# Cos I'd rather see you shake it standing

# Either way you do it, girl, you look outstanding... #

-Hey, so I was...

-Whatever the question is, the answer is no.

-I'm on drugs.

-What, for the acne?

No, no, no, no. Me, Mike, Jamie and Beth,

-we're all off our head on the old M&M's.

-M&M's?

Yeah, magic mushrooms.

Yeah, don't really affect me. Got quite a high mushroom tolerance.

Actually, do you have any spare drugs on you?

You know, a little something for the comedown.

Oh, yeah, I do, actually. Let me just go and get them.

Oh, Emily.

OK, I've had about as much "fun" here as I can stand.

Aww, look, he is so sweet with her.

He'd be happy to cuddle a Rottweiler if he's tripping like Mike is.

Tripping?

Yeah, him and Mike are on mushrooms

and now they're trying to score something else.

-Give her to me.

-What?

I cannot believe that you lot are on drugs in front of your own daughter.

I'm not on drugs.

Don't lie to me too, Jamie.

Oh, the mushrooms.

They're just normal mushrooms. We're just winding up Mike.

Yeah, right, look at him. He's completely off his face.

He's not. That's just Mike and a few pints.

Oh, really, is it? And how many pints have you had?

I'm 18 and it's my birthday,

I'm allowed a couple of drinks, for God's sake.

I'm not a kid. You can't keep treating me like one.

I'm officially a fully-grown man

and have been for the past...26 minutes.

Oh, well, congratulations(!)

You're not the only adult in this relationship now.

What relationship?

-Us.

-There is no us.

You're not my boyfriend, Jamie. We're barely even mates.

We're just two people who had a kid.

Jesus, this was such a mistake.

I never should have come here, I should have gone to Olly's.

-Who the hell is Olly?

-He is a friend of Danielle's.

Not that it's any of your business.

I could have gone to his party, but,

oh, no, I had to come here, to your party.

Oh, fine.

If you don't want to be here, don't let me get in your way.

Give me Emily and you can go and do what you'd rather be doing.

Hallelujah, he finally babysits!

Come on, let's go.

Don't drink too much, Laura.

We all know what happened last time you went to a party with Danielle.

Lock up your sons, everyone, Laura's coming.

MUSIC: "Where's Your Head At?" by Basement Jaxx

# Don't let the walls cave in on you

# We can't live on Live on without you

# Don't let the walls cave in on you... #

MUSIC STOPS

No, Mike, you didn't.

Which one's the birthday boy?

MUSIC: "Buttons" by The Pussycat Dolls

# I'm telling you to loosen up my buttons, baby

# But you keep fronting

# Saying what you going do to me

# But I ain't seen nothing

# I'm telling you to loosen up my buttons, baby... #

Does this feel a bit weird?

A little bit.

Do you want me to keep going or...?

Er... I don't know.

She's a cutie. How old's she?

Four months.

Aw, I've got two of my own.

Ella and Barney.

That's nice.

I was in labour 16 hours with Barney.

OK, stop now.

-Stop? I'm still getting paid, right?

-< Aw, come on!

GIGGLING AND MURMURING

TOY SQUEAKS

Oh, you're an animal.

Come on.

SQUEAKING

Hang on, whoa! I dropped... Hang on.

Wait, wait, wait.

CAR STEREO PLAYS

# The grand old Duke of York He had 10,000 men

# He marched them up to the top of the... #

-TRACK CHANGES

-Just keep going.

The song's going. It's sort of distracting.

That's... That's put me off.

It's all right. Ooh!

I don't mind. Just keep going.

-# Humpty Dumpty sat on a... #

-SQUEAK!

SONG: If You're Happy And You Know It

# Clap your hands... #

Sorry.

Oh, I'm clapping my hands.

Oh, don't stop, ooh.

Are you going?

Yeah.

Well, if you fancy going for a drink sometime, just give me a call.

See ya.

Jamie, come on, stay a bit longer, it's your party.

Have you seen that bowl Laura got me?

Ugh. No.

HE GAGS

HE GAGS

GRUNTING

# Half a pound of tuppenny rice

# Half a pound of treacle

# Mix it up and make it nice

# Pop goes the weasel

# Up and down the City Road... #

DANCE MUSIC BLARES

I think I'm finally getting it.

We don't need material goods or money.

I don't actually need a job.

Keith, shut up, I think I might be pregnant.

What?

Oh, shit.

Negative.

Oh, God! Oh, I need a drink.

Yeah.

I think I just put those ten years back on.

What happened to the detox?

OK, I'm off out, then.

There you go.

God, we really dodged a bullet there.

Oh, God, what a relief.

It must just be the menopause.

I'm really glad you called.

Yeah, yeah, so am I.

Jamie, it seems, is seeing someone.

Sneaky little bastard.

So I am taking action in the form of this guy.

Oh, nice.

I have a date.

Really?

With a man.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd