If You Cry, I'll Cry Pramface

-I wondered if you'd come to my 18th.

-You're not my boyfriend.

We're just two people who had a kid.

Well, if you fancy going for a drink sometime, just give me a call.

-I was kind of surprised you called me.

-Me too!

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

It's fine.

PHONE BUZZES Oh, one second. Hello?

-PANTING:

-So, how's it going?

Fine. I can't really talk.

We're going to keep this to essentials. Is she fit?

-What are you doing?

-Kettlebells.

20 minutes a day and I'll be shaped like a Soviet superhero.

Got them on this deal with this muscle supplement.

'That doesn't sound safe.'

Of course it's safe, they're Russian.

OK, you probably shouldn't be doing that, but let's talk later.

OK. But tell her you're on the rebound so it's casual sex only.

I'm not doing that.

Just let me know if she's more than a four.

If she's more than a four, just hang up.

Bye. Sorry.

-So was that your parachute call?

-My what?

You know, in case it's going badly,

-your mate calls with a sudden emergency and then you can bail.

-Do people do that?

Oh, yeah, me and my mate Julie have a whole system.

If we're out together, we do the straws code.

What's the straws code?

Left means, "Not keen." Right means, "I really like this guy."

Ahh, it's very clever.

Then there's this one. That's, "Get me the hell out of here."

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh. Oh, look, it's Julie.

So you going to bail?

Hi. He's all right, I suppose.

Bit nervous, and he threw his drink at me.

But he's cute, so I'm going to give him a chance.

He's definitely paying, though.

Keith, are you watching her? Keith?

Yep, she's fine.

Are you sure now? She hasn't been kidnapped?

When did you take her?

About five minutes ago. Come on, get up.

She needs to go for a stroll.

Ah, now, come on, I'm about to watch the match.

Where's Jamie anyway?

He's out having a bit of fun, for once.

Why does he get to have all the fun? I don't get to have any fun.

You could have a bit of fun helping me

-clean the grout out in the shower, if you like?

-I'll get the buggy.

So I... I had fun.

Yeah, me too.

Well, there's this gig coming up at my local.

A few of us are going. Me, Julie.

Right.

You could come along too?

Oh, right, yeah. I guess I could do that.

Have you seen me, Jamie? I'm quite a good-looking girl.

And I'm funny, and smart.

Seriously, would you make me work this hard to get a second date?

I absolutely would not.

There you go.

-And I'm taller than him.

-I'm right here. Just...

Yeah, I'd love to go, thanks.

Sorry, I'm just not good at the whole dating thing.

Well, if it goes badly, I'll just ditch you

and get off with one of the band.

I'm kidding.

OK!

-Would you like to add a tip?

-I absolutely would not.

Do you do cashback?

Yeah, go on, go on, that's... Go on, shoot, shoot!

Oh, she is beautiful. What's her name?

Knobhead! Oh, sorry.

Your daughter, she's very cute.

Thank you. I'm actually the grandfather.

Oh, right. Have you ever considered modelling?

No. Well, I suppose... When I was younger, I suppose...

For her.

Zara Lang. I'm a model agent.

-Oh!

-And she's gorgeous. Yes!

So, she could make some cash then?

Oh, yeah. Photoshoots are usually a couple of hundred, plus the chaperone fee.

-I'd get a fee?

-If you're the chaperone.

-I would be the chaperone.

-Then you'd get the fee.

Why not discuss it with your family and get back to me?

OK, right, cheers.

I'm available too if they needed like a family group thing?

That's, er, good to know.

You and me, kid.

14...

15.

There's a lot of weird ingredients in here.

I know, it's fantastic. I've only been on them for a week

and I can feel something's definitely happening.

I've just got so much more stamina.

Aren't there usually side effects with these things?

Yeah, men are intimidated, women find you irresistible.

Plus water retention, mood swings and liver failure.

Nah, these are high-end supplements. The ones that Vladimir Putin uses.

Argh, argh, here comes the lactic build-up.

So, how did it go with Hannah?

Yeah, did you let her know you were on the rebound

and only up for a bit of casual sex?

It wasn't like that. She's a nice girl.

Oh, she's just not that into you.

Probably prefers a man with a little bit of bulk.

No. We got on really well.

Hmm, probably just being polite.

It's best not to embarrass yourself by chasing her. It's undignified.

Actually, she's asked me out again.

To a gig, with her mates.

-Oh, female mates?

-Yes.

-We should probably go to that.

-We?

Oh, not if he's not ready, we shouldn't.

-We? You're coming too?

-OK, if you want me there, I'll come.

Jamie, it's fine, we're coming.

It'll be a great opportunity for me to test-drive my new body as well.

What's this, Keith?

Oh, some woman collared us in the street today.

Said we should consider Emily for modelling work.

And what did you say?

I told her where she could stick it, of course.

Why the hell did you do that?

Um, because, you know, it's wrong, isn't it?

People exploiting their kids.

And I thought you'd be against it.

What?

Against getting a load of money for Emily's future,

and having some lovely photographs taken?

Of course I'm not against it, you eejit.

Oh, well, good news!

I signed her up, she's already got a casting.

-You signed her up without consulting me?

-But you said...

And then you lied to me too! God Almighty, Keith.

-Hey, how are you?

-All right, sweetheart.

-I'll just go and get the big bag.

-OK.

We should tell her. It is her baby.

Let's see if Emily actually gets it first

and then it'll be a nice surprise.

But I feel bad about not telling her.

You had no problem not telling me, so keep your mouth shut.

There we are.

Are you sure you're OK looking after her today?

We love spending time with her.

Yeah, we might take her for a walk, actually.

It's nice to see someone putting the effort in.

You do know that you're looking after her on Friday?

I can't Friday, I'm going out.

Well, where are you going that's

so important that you can't look after Emily?

Just to a gig with some new friends.

New friends? What new friends?

Actually, a friend. Hannah. I met her at my 18th.

You'd have met her too if you'd stuck around.

Well, you can't, it's your turn.

Well, I've already told Hannah I'm going. It's a date.

Oh!

So you think that's OK, do you?

To just go out on dates whilst I'm stuck at home with our daughter?

Well, yeah, actually, I do.

Well, I'm not sure that I do.

-Right, so I can't even go on dates now?

-Nope.

Can't be in a relationship? Have sex with anyone ever again?

One go on the merry-go-round and that's it for the rest of my life, is it?

No, nope, you're absolutely right, sorry. I am being hypocritical.

The reason I want you to baby-sit is because I have a date.

-Really?

-Mm. With a man.

Well, good.

Yes. It is good.

I'm very happy for you.

So, er, we might take her for that walk now. Say bye.

Bye.

Hi. All right?

-Oh, she's a cutie, what's her name?

-Tilly.

Hello, Tilly. Hello, Tilly.

JABBERS

TILLY CRIES

What the hell did you do?

-Nothing, I...

-Don't look at her.

-Sorry.

-She doesn't like direct eye contact.

-I was just...

-Can't you see she's trying to focus?

Sorry, I didn't... I... I'm sorry.

Keith.

Ignore her, we're not all monsters. This is Kyle.

Oh, he's lovely.

And he's a wonderful performer. Smiles on cue.

-Really?

-Hmm, yes,

we just bring out Mr Happy Bear

and the sun comes out.

Right, trick of the trade.

We've never really done this kind of thing before.

It's just nice to see people coming down just to have a go

for the fun of it without any expectation of getting an actual gig.

Good for you.

Jamie, it seems, is seeing someone.

Sneaky little bastard.

Exactly. How dare he whilst I'm single and stuck at home.

So unreasonable.

So I'm taking action in the form of this guy.

-Ooh, nice.

-He is a non-smoker,

homeowner, graduate professional, which is great because...

Because he can buy you stuff.

Because I can have adult conversation.

Oh, my God, he is ancient.

-He's 30.

-I know, you've really gone for the other end of the scale.

He is a man, not a boy.

And does this "man" know about Emily?

Not yet, shall I tell him?

-I wouldn't.

-I haven't.

-Good call.

She's seeing someone? Oh, Jamie, man, I am so sorry.

How does that make you feel?

Feel? I don't know. You know...

Well, not exactly great, actually.

That's good, that's good. Open up, come on, share.

I don't even know why I'm worrying about her.

Nothing's ever going to happen between us, she's moved on.

Selfish, selfish girl.

And then there's Hannah, who's actually very attractive

and who I have a lot in common with and seems to really like me.

I mean, what's wrong with me?

Hey, hey, there is nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all.

It's Laura. She's the one with the problem, not...

not you.

How many of those things have you had today?

-I'm fine. It's just... She makes me so frustrated.

-Who?

Laura. God! Concentrate.

Sorry.

Hey, it's OK, it's OK. It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

-Agh.

-What?

It's my nipples, they've become really sensitive.

Well, I'm glad she didn't get it.

Those kids looked really unhappy.

You should never have signed her up for it in the first place.

It's just wrong making them work at that age.

Sorry. What happened to securing some money for her future

and getting some nice photos?

Well, we haven't got either of those, have we?

That's why I was against this from the very start.

PHONE RINGS

Wait.

Hello?

Yeah.

Oh, right.

What, this Friday?

OK, so, can you just wait a second, Zara?

Um, they want to see her for another casting.

Photographer thinks she'd be perfect for this poster campaign.

No.

Yeah.

Ah, well, if it's just for a couple of photos.

I don't see why she should miss out on that money.

Yeah, I mean, really, we owe it to her to give it another chance.

Who are we to stand in her way?

Well, don't keep the woman waiting.

Oh, yeah, sorry. Hi, Zara, yeah, that sounds great.

I was just relieved that you actually looked like your photo.

Ah, don't be fooled. I got here two hours early

and set up the lighting to make me look better.

Well, it's working.

Thank you.

So you were saying you're on a gap year?

Yeah, I didn't want to rush into uni.

Very wise. A couple of wrong choices and suddenly, five years later,

you're trying to fight your way out.

And I mean, you can't live your life for other people, can you?

It sounds like there's a nightmare ex in the background.

Oh, yeah, it's a bit complex.

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, sorry, it's just a friend checking up on me.

Tell her the food's awful.

Yours too? This is mainly bay leaves.

I don't think it's a steak, it's someone's wallet.

OK, well, in the spirit of not doing things

for other people's sakes, let's not eat any more.

Yes, but let me make it up to you.

I will cook you dinner tomorrow.

It will not contain bay leaves and furthermore,

we'll put a ban on discussing old relationships.

Ahh, that sounds good, I mean, after all,

-exes are exes for a reason, right?

-Exactly. And it was all their fault.

Bastards. So, what should we do now?

Finish the wine, refuse to pay and then go and get some chips.

Oh! Done!

Gluttons for punishment, I see?

Well, we thought we'd give it another go. You never know.

When you've done a few of these, you realise, you sort of do.

WOMAN: Kyle, please.

Oh, that's us. Right, come on, superstar.

Here, let me give you a hand there.

Thank you.

All right there, now. Good luck.

Oh, thanks. Not like we'll need it, though.

Oh, my God! So he turned up?

-Yeah.

-And he brought all of his hair with him.

-Yeah.

-And he wasn't, like, five foot?

No, no, he's cute.

-So what's wrong with him?

-Nothing. As far as I can tell.

He's invited me to his place for dinner.

-And it's definitely his place, not his parents'?

-Yeah.

Hmmm, I wonder what it is, then.

What what is?

The thing that's wrong with him.

Nothing, he's just a nice guy. I think he's got potential.

I should definitely tell him about Emily this time.

Oh, my God, what if he's one of those guys that seems nice,

but then locks you in a basement?

He's not one of those guys. Plus he lives in a flat.

Hmm, he may have a special cupboard.

He's not going to have a special cupboard.

Even so, I think you should send me a text.

BABY KYLE CRYING

Bloody hell, someone's having an off day.

He's usually very professional.

Oh, shame.

WOMAN: OK, er, Tilly, please.

Come on, Tilly, darling. Let's go get this, sweetie pie.

TILLY CRIES

We're just going to need five minutes, OK?

We're ready if you want.

WOMAN: Come through.

This was under the chair.

-Did you?

-Come on, let's go.

I'm pretty sure they're working, I'm bulking up.

Yeah, but, it's like it's all around your waist.

That's just a bit of water retention. That'll soon go.

And my pecs are definitely growing.

-Except...

-What?

Don't you think they're a little bit, you know...

Pointy?

Exactly.

Hi, Hannah. This is Mike and Beth.

-Hi.

-No.

All right.

Oh. Hi. This is my friend Julie.

Hi, I'm Mike.

Come on, let's get a seat.

-I think I'm in there.

-I wouldn't be too sure.

BAND PLAYS "WHAT MAKES YOU BEAUTIFUL" BY ONE DIRECTION

These lyrics are amazing. So powerful.

So, yeah, we were going to form a band.

Seriously? Just the two of you?

Yeah, Mike was supposed to be on keyboards and me on drums.

Oh, come on, you're front man material.

So, Jamie, who's baby-sitting tonight?

Mum and Dad are covering.

Ah, is Laura not available?

Yeah, apparently she's seeing someone.

Are you OK with that?

Yes. She's moved on, I'm moving on.

I'm having a good time.

So what's her name?

Laura? Her name's Laura.

You mean the baby, not my girl... Not my ex.

Not Laura.

Emily.

Her name's Emily.

I thought you meant what's Laura's name and I...

No, I know who Laura is.

Yeah. Yeah, we're not talking about her, so...

Easy mistake to make, she's obviously still on your mind.

I'm going to the bar, do you want anything?

Beth?

Can I just ask, is Laura your mate?

No.

Oh, right, I get it, so you fancy him yourself.

No, no, I mean, what...

Why would anyone want to get in the middle of that mess?

He's got a kid for starters, and he's not even over Laura.

And we're just mates. I'd be mad to get involved.

But, hey, that's just me.

You have fun. In fact, I'm going to go.

OK, bye, then.

Thank you so much for dinner. The food was amazing.

I'm a man of hidden depths.

DOOR BUZZER

Here you go. I'll just, um...

No. No way, they're supposed to be at Grandma and Grandpa's.

Yes, well, Grandma and Grandpa are stuck on the M1.

Can't you just have them for a couple more hours?

Look, it's once a fortnight, Marcus, they are your children too.

-Daddy, who's that lady?

-Um, she's Daddy's friend.

Hello.

Daddy's got a lot of friends, hasn't he?

Look, I am sort of busy here.

Yes, so am I, just take your damn kids.

Right, OK, good night, Mummy will see you in two sleeps, OK?

Bye-bye.

Right, straight to bed.

I'm so... My ex is a bitch.

It's cool.

Argh, she does this deliberately.

I'll understand if you want to leave.

Daddy, can you read Hungry Moose?

No.

It's fine, go, I'll wait.

Well, I'll be two minutes.

And we're going to be together for the rest of our lives, in a way.

I wish I could find a way to get through to her.

Hey, hey, it is not your fault.

This man, this man is the most loving, caring man that I know.

And, yeah, on paper, he might not be the brightest guy in the world,

but this heart, this heart is a good heart.

Yeah, thank you. Thank you, Mike.

And Laura doesn't know what she's missing.

-They are lucky to have you in their lives.

-Yep.

Even though it's never going to happen for you as a couple.

Oh, God, it is never going to happen, is it?

No, no! And I am so angry at her for that.

We're just nipping to the loos.

OK, so, let me explain.

-It's fine.

-No, it's not.

-They're cute.

-No, they're not, they're a bloody nightmare.

Daddy, I want the light on.

-Not the big light.

-Go to sleep.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you,

it's just some people find it a real turn-off.

No, I think it's cool.

That's very evolved of you. Frankly, I'd have done a runner.

No, I'm actually kind of relieved.

I have a tiny, small confession to make myself.

I have a daughter.

You have a kid?

Mmm-hmm. Emily. She...

No, no, I don't want to see your photos,

your profile said no children.

-So did yours.

-That's different.

How is that different?

They're her kids, I'm just the father.

-But...

-The last thing I need is another bloody child in my life.

-But you're not...

-I'll call you a cab.

No, that's fine, I will get myself a cab.

God, you are such a dick.

Oh, and I lied, the chicken was dry.

I think the thing is, deep down...

..I've actually just wanted to be with Laura and Emily and,

you know, just be one big family.

Well, family's important.

And all this time, I've been looking at it like it was a massive mistake.

But really, it was the best mistake I ever made.

That's so beautiful.

Yeah, but now Laura's moved on and I've totally blown it with her.

-Oh, God.

-No, don't you cry, Mike.

I think I'm going to.

If you cry, I'll cry.

OK, OK, I'll be strong.

No, here it comes.

SOBS LOUDLY

So, I think we're heading off.

Yep, OK.

-Thanks for a lovely evening.

-Thank you.

-Sorry about this.

-Sorry.

I'm just... I don't think I'm ready to move on.

Yeah, I think I'm getting that.

I'm ready to move on.

Oh! Don't be ashamed to cry.

What have I done, Mike?

I think I'm developing breasts.

THEY GASP

DOORBELL CHIMES

Hi.

Hello.

-Shall I...?

-Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

So, did you have a good weekend?

Yeah, yeah, you?

Yeah, yeah, it was good. Good.

Good.

So, you be good, Emily. Bye-bye, bye-bye.

Hello, beautiful.

So how was your date?

Um, yeah, not really what I expected.

Not good then?

-No, no, it was good, yeah, it's good.

-Oh.

-It was great.

-Oh, right.

How was yours?

Yeah, yeah, it was good.

It was... We had a really good time.

SHE SIGHS

OK, well, we'll see you next time.

-Yeah. See you later.

-OK.

Bye.

HE SIGHS

DOORBELL RINGS

KNOCKING

Thank God you're in.

MIKE PANTS

I think I need professional help.

I don't think these are the ones that Putin uses.

Let's get you to a doctor.

OK. Can we stop off at a newsagent's?

-I'd really like some chocolate.

-Yeah.

LAPTOP BEEPS

Zara's just emailed, the photos are here.

Oh, magic. Bet Emily looks amazing.

Oh, God.

Nice one, Keith!

Laura's an idiot to let you go, do you know that?

Yeah.

Everything sucks.

Bloody hell, you sound like Beth. It's not that bad.

Laura's got a boyfriend, I'm about to fail my exams.

I'm going to end up with a crap job, no girlfriend and a crap life.

It's a masked ball, you can be whoever you want to be.

Laura, you are bloody coming!

-I'm going to head home.

-It's all got to be about you, hasn't it?

I don't even know why I try to be friends with you any more.

# Another Saturday, another careless move

# Tells the world that you're thinking of what to do

# A window opens up

# And someone calls your name

# But I can tell you don't know how to play this game

# I know this isn't it

# Oo-ooh-ooh-ooh

# You'll hit your targets someday...#