Grumpy and Target Boy Pramface

-I have a date.

-Really?

-Mmm. With a man.

Thanks for a lovely evening. I just...

don't think I'm ready to move on.

And Laura doesn't know what she's missing.

It is never going to happen, is it?!

-Come back to bed, San.

-I have to get on.

I'll make it worth your while.

Oh! I doubt that!

Jamie, are you up?

Jamie, you'll be late for work.

-I don't care!

-And Laura's dropping Emily off.

-I don't care!

-Neither do I! Get up!

What's the point?

Everything sucks.

He's been like this for days. Will you talk to him, Keith?

Jamie, get up! Don't be a lazy sod!

No, I mean actually get up and go in and talk to him, Keith.

He's saying everything sucks!

He's right.

-Do you think it's all right?

-'Yeah, last time you looked this good,

'you got pregnant. Sorry!

'Just a couple of hours work at the bar,

'then the rest of the ball is free.'

I'm not going to know anyone.

-'You'll meet people.'

-I'll have nothing to talk about, though.

All I know about is nappy rash and baby puke!

'Laura - you are bloody coming!

'Do you know how much these tickets cost me?'

Er, nothing? You're on the ball committee.

'I earned them with hard labour!

'Bouncy castles don't just book themselves, you know!'

Ugh! Fine, I'm coming!

'Well, good! God, you're welcome!'

Uh-hu-hu, ha-ha!

Ah...!

Yeah. Oh... Yeah, I'd better go. I'd better go. OK, bye.

Bye! Bye-bye.

-Who's that?

-Ah, just work!

-Ian wants me to come in today.

-On a Saturday?

Yeah. Why?

You've been working the last five Saturdays.

You've been sitting on the couch picking your nose

-for the last five Tuesdays - what's your point?

-Nothing!

It's just Granny spends a lot of time at work, doesn't she?

Oh! That's because Grandad can't seem to find a job, can he?!

Yey!

Hee-hee!

I really don't want to do it.

I don't care!

They're on promotion this month. Besides, it's fun!

-Hit target boy, get 10% off!

-Can't you get someone else?

I really don't feel like being shot at today.

They're perfectly safe. Look...

Ugh!

Can I at least have a gun?

I think shooting customers would send the wrong message.

Come on. Let's see what Grandma's up to.

Basically three pieces...

Don't look at me like that.

..and the coffee table.

You lie in there...

Yeah, you're right. I should trust her.

Been together 20 years. What am I thinking?

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Although...

20 years is a long time.

Look at that. A recliner sofa.

-..music in the background.

-Really?

And that's a life I could never give her.

Mmm. >

And if I'm honest, I have got a bit lazy

on the physical side of the relationship with your grandma. I...

You don't need to know that.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, no!

That's her flirtatious laugh!

I'm not having that!

Oh, that's good! But then you're lying there...

-PHONE RINGS

-Excuse me a second.

-Oh, I'll ring him back.

-Oh!

Whoops-a-daisy! There you go. Look at that bad boy!

SANDRA CONTINUES TALKING

Come on, Emily, let's go home.

You don't need to see this.

-SHOT FIRES

-Ha-ha!

-SHOTS FIRE Ah!

-Ah! Got ya!

-You won't get me, you loser!

-Agh! Oh! Just...!

Have some of that!

MUSIC: "Barber's Adagio for Strings" (THEME FROM PLATOON)

SLOWED-DOWN SOUNDS OF ARTILLERY FIRING AND SHELLS WHISTLING

HEART BEATS FAST

LARGE EXPLOSION

SOUND OF INCOMING SHELL

-Just at the end of the aisle, mate.

-Thank you.

TOY GUN FIRES REPEATEDLY

Go...! Aagh!

Ha!

That's it. I'm done.

Jamie, where are you going?

Somewhere else.

Anywhere else.

You walk out of that door, young man,

and you needn't think about coming back.

TOY GUN FIRES

POP MUSIC PLAYS IN SHOP

-Hiya!

-Oh, hi!

-Hello!

Have you got any signal? I've been trying to call Jamie

to see how Emily's doing, but there must be like

-one phone mast in Scotland.

-Can't you just have one day off?

I just want to see what she's up to.

Presumably, just lying there occasionally crapping herself,

as usual - you're not missing anything!

-OK!

-Come on, your carriage awaits.

-Ooh, did you get us a taxi?

-No, Francesca drove.

-Who's Francesca?

-My mate from the ball committee.

-She's a laugh, you're going to love her.

-OK.

Oh, my god! These coaches only stop

at like mental institutions and skin disease centres!

-Laura, this is Francesca.

-Hello!

-Hi. Pleased to meet you!

THEY GIGGLE

-I love your shoes!

-Oh!

-Thank you!

-I almost bought those last year!

FRANCESCA LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

-Shall we go?

-God, yeah,

before we catch anything from the coach people!

-THEY GIGGLE

-Not you, Laura, obviously.

Yeah, went to the dry-cleaner's and...

MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

So, I was thinking, cinema tonight, and then try and get into a club?

-I can't, I've got to work.

-On what?

Economics project.

-Hey, can I borrow this?

-Yeah, whatever.

That should have been in two weeks ago. You haven't finished?

I haven't started it! I'm...trying to do it tonight.

There's no way you can do it in one night!

Then I guess I'm going to fail, then, aren't I?

There's no point.

-There's no point in anything.

-Bloody 'ell!

-You sound like Beth! It's not that bad!

-It IS that bad!

Laura's got a boyfriend. I'm about to fail my exams...

I'm going to end up with a crap job,

no girlfriend and a crap life!

-Well, maybe we can...

-No! There's no cunning little plan for this, OK?!

-Right.

-Maybe you can get an extension.

-You can always do something.

-I AM doing something!

I'm giving up pretending everything's going to be all right.

Just leave me alone, OK?

Well done, Beth(!)

Now, just help me out of this. I'm a little bit stuck.

Can you look after Emily? I'm going out.

Not really.

-Got a bit of a crisis.

-And that lid's not on properly.

Well, I can't do anything right, can I?

-Why, what have you done now?

-Oh, I'm not the one that's done anything.

I think your mother might be seeing someone.

-I doubt that.

-You'd think after 18 years of marriage...

I thought it was 19!

All right, 19 - whatever!

You'd think that would count for something!

Whatever happens between your mother and me,

it is not your fault.

OK.

It's your mother's.

I'm going out.

OK, son.

-NORTH AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Where do you want these, Francesca?

Er, main bar, please, Guy.

Do you want some help?

No, I'm a big, strong boy.

-Do you think he might be your Prince Charming?

-Shut up!

Wow!

Oh, what a dump! Was Balmoral not available?

See? I told you! We're going to have fun!

-Hey, show Francesca your dress.

-OK...!

Ta-da!

-It's lovely, isn't it?

-Yeah! It's like a Disney princess!

-THEY GIGGLE

-Or one of the dwarves!

There you go! You're Grumpy!

I'm only kidding, Laura. I would love to be so small and cute.

Me and Danielle are stuck up here at catwalk height

while you're having fun down there in Lilliput!

Anyhow, my wonderful helpers,

time to earn your entertainment.

OK, so, Laura, I need your help with the decorations.

-I told her you were artistic.

-That's why I know you're going to be great

at fire-proofing the flames.

Fireproofing the flames?

Yeah. I need you to go round all the fireplaces

and paint the cardboard flames with fireproofing gel.

We can't have real flames - fire hazard.

-In a...fireplace.

-Exactly.

So, I'll hang this up for you and we'll see you in about 40 minutes!

Well...where are you going?

-Yeah, where ARE we going?

-Oh, I've hired a hairdresser

-for the whole ball committee to have their hair done.

-Oh, brilliant!

Oh, it's committee members only, I'm afraid.

And besides, what's there to do? It's basically up...

-or down, so.

-Don't touch my hair.

Oh, no, it's great, I mean, it's so...

-manageable, isn't it?

-I don't like people touching my hair.

-God, Laura, relax!

-It's fine, I understand.

My mum had a spaniel once who was exactly the same.

Oh, and Laura - be careful not to inhale too much of that stuff.

It's lethal. Ha-ha!

-And he just left her with you?

-Yep.

-When will he be back?

-Didn't say.

-God, he's actually becoming a teenager.

-No.

It's because he knows there's something wrong between us.

-What's wrong between us?

-I saw you at work flirting with Ian.

-Of course I'm flirting with Ian.

-Don't try and deny it.

-I'm not!

Ian decides who gets the extra shifts!

I need the extra shifts because my husband is out of work,

therefore I flirt!

-So, you deny you're having an affair with him?

-Like, when

would I have the time or the energy for an affair?

I just thought, what with me being out of work, and us being broke...

Ha-ha-ha!

-What?

-We've always been broke!

-You've never had money!

-BABY SQUEAKS

-If it was about that I would have left you on the honeymoon.

-Oh, cheers!

Do you think that I am that bloody shallow?

I just thought maybe I was becoming a little less attractive to you.

You are. You're sitting there in a tracksuit, covered in Coco Pops,

but I'm not going to leave you. God Almighty!

Shame on you for thinking that, I think you should apologise.

How has this turned into me getting a bollocking?

Oh, well it started when you accused me of being a money-grabbing whore.

Look, I want you to stop flirting with him.

It reflects badly on me. I have my pride.

When you get a job, you can have pride. Until then, I'm flirting.

Right.

-Hi.

-Hey, thanks for this.

Oh, it's fine, you deserve it.

-Oh I hope Laura wasn't too upset about not...

-She'll be all right.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-She seems a bit moody. Was she always like that?

Well she never used to be, but then recently she's become a bit of a nightmare, to be honest.

What, like a bit of a drama queen?

Yeah. Well, she's always either sulking or kicking off.

Yeah, I knew a girl like that once.

God, always wanting to be the centre of attention,

either having an accident or getting upset, or stealing people's boyfriends

to try and validate themselves, that kind of thing.

There was one guy during Freshers' Week that she sort of nicked.

See, classic jealous sabotage tactic. It's about getting noticed.

I mean, the baby's just part of it. Anything for the attention.

SCREAM

-Oh, my God, what happened?

-I just found it like this.

Oh no, must be some sort of freak accident.

-I can't wear this!

-It's OK, no big deal, there's a laundry here,

-I'll give it a quick wash.

-No, it's dry clean only.

-Yeah, they always say that.

-No, I really don't think that you should wash it!

Look, trust me, OK? I know about fabrics. It'll be fine.

Laura! She's trying to help you, so just let her help.

God! There's no need to make a big drama out of it.

DOORBELL RINGS

All right, er, Keith? What are you doing here?

Right, there's no point beating around the bush.

-I know Sandra's been flirting with you.

-Ah, right. What?

Right, the thing is, I don't want there to be any misunderstanding,

but I need to know if there's something going on.

No, not as far as I'm concerned.

Look, hard as it may be, I'd rather you didn't respond to it.

Yeah, well I won't, so...

I really don't find her attractive, at all. Look, I'm sorry

if you're having problems, but I have no interest in Sandra.

Come on, I know about the extra shifts.

Because she needed the work.

Yeah, right! We both know that Sandra is a very attractive woman.

And obviously I can see that you'd be tempted.

-Is everything OK?

-Yeah, it's, em, just a work thing.

Mm. Well, don't be too long, darling.

Yeah. Just... So...

You know?

Yeah. Keith, I'm kinda busy here.

But just to be clear, I really have no interest in your wife.

-Not even a little bit?

-No.

Well, why the hell not? What's wrong with her?

I don't know, she's just not my type.

And plus, that voice is so...

-I just don't.

-Yeah. Well, she's an amazing woman.

And you would be lucky to have her fancy you.

OK, that's fine, I've really got to go.

-Just so that we're...

-Yeah.

-Now come here!

-GIGGLING BEHIND DOOR ..clear.

Oh, my God!

-Aaah! Oh, my God, you look amazing!

-You too.

Oh, and I got us these.

We're like fairytale sisters!

THEY LAUGH

Eh, you look nice too, Laura.

No, I don't. I look like the hooker version of Tinkerbell.

Well, Tinkerbell's cute and men like hookers.

-You're not helping, Danielle.

-Look, OK, we need to get on.

Dan, I want you here greeting people as they come in with champagne.

-And what about me?

-Um, no.

I think maybe less of a frontline position for you.

OK, so...

Here we are!

You're putting me in a dungeon? This is an actual dungeon.

Historically, yes.

But for tonight it's an enchanted secret grotto...

and coat check area.

OK. Francesca, have you got a problem with me?

Uh-oh, I think I know what this is.

Mm, you feel threatened because you're stuck being a single mum

while Danielle's moving on with her life.

-I am not stuck!

-Yeah, if you say so.

There's no need to be touchy.

Oh, Jesus, I never should have come.

Yeah, maybe you shouldn't have.

Jamie? Jamie? Where is he?

-He's gone out.

-Oh, no. I think he's going to do something crazy - look.

"No point carrying on." That's, that's not good.

-God, he has been a bit down.

-Yeah, and he's miserable about Laura.

-It's all her fault.

-Yeah, and he's having trouble at school.

We've been having problems at home. I told him our marriage was in trouble.

-Well, it is, isn't it?

-It is now.

Come on people, can we focus here? This is clearly a cry for help.

You know what? I might just nip down and see how Laura's doing.

Don't worry. She was fine when I left her.

-Even so.

-Look, I need you here, OK?

Give it ten minutes and we'll both go and relieve her.

I feel bad for abandoning her. OK, look, I'll be back in a second.

-Hi.

-Hi.

So this is where they have you hiding?

Yes. Er... I'm doing the coats.

You look very beautiful tonight.

Eh - oh, OK! Yeah, sorry, if you could not do that.

-It's a bit weird.

-Look, sorry, I...

I thought that you... said that you...

I... Sorry, I have to go and, em, call my, em... boyfriend.

Boyfriend?

But I thought that you said that you liked me?

I don't even know who you are.

I should have seen this coming.

RINGING TONE

-It's ringing.

-Right, give it here.

Yours can't be the first voice he hears. It'll put him over the edge.

RINGING TONE

-'Hello?'

-Jamie!

-THEY ALL SIGH WITH RELIEF

-How's it going?

-'Yeah, I'm fine.'

I just needed some time to think.

-No, don't do that, don't think!

-(Find out where he is!)

-Whereabouts are you, mate?

-'Just sitting on a bridge.'

-On a bridge?

-Oh! Keith, get the car!

-Which bridge?

-(Talk.) 'I don't know.

-'A bridge in the park.'

-Erm, right, we...

How are you feeling..?! Forget that, let's focus on the positives.

-Come on!

-Let's go!

-What's the weather like out there...?

Ha! I have a signal!

Yes!

RINGING TONE

'You remember that... Remember when I was...'

Hold on, I'm going to call you back, it's Laura on the other line.

MIKE KEEPS TALKING

JAMIE: 'Hello?'

Hey! Hi! Jamie! Can you hear me?

-'Yeah, hello?'

-Hello?

Hey! How's it going? I was just ringing to see how you were doing...

Er, with Emily, how...how she's doing.

'She's fine. We're fine.'

I thought you were supposed to be at the ball - is everything OK?

'Erm...no.'

No, it's not, actually.

I'm just, erm...

..just feeling a bit alone.

Aren't you there with your new boyfriend?

No!

No, that didn't really work out.

Really? 'No, I...I...'

-I just...

-'Mine didn't, either.'

Really?

Yeah, mine was terrible.

Couldn't have been worse than mine.

Er, well, mine called me a cab and through me out?

I cried on mine.

-'God!'

-'And Mike cried, too.'

Ah-ha!

Oh, OK! 'That IS actually worse!'

So, we're...we're both...

Yeah. I guess so.

'Hey, maybe, erm,'

when I'm back...

Maybe we should...try and...

'Try...'

-what?

-'Hello?'

He-hello?

'Are you there? Jamie?'

-Laura?

-'Jamie?'

-Lau...

-'Jamie...'

-What were you going to say?

Oh.

Oh, for God's sake!

< Jamie!

< Don't jump! He's here!

-Jump where?

-Jamie, don't jump!

What the hell are you all doing here?

Stopping you from killing yourself!

Why the hell would I want to kill myself?

-Because you're so depressed!

-Because your parents are arguing.

Because you're never going to find love!

And you ruined your education - and you're in a dead-end job.

Not any more. I quit my job!

Have you any idea how difficult it is to get a job these days?

-Oh, San, leave it, shut up.

-Oh, sorry.

But I'm not going to kill myself!

I just wanted some time alone to think

and have my cheeseburger!

That is quite a low bridge.

It's not as if I...

Gagh! I got him! I got him!

I got him! Everyone swarm, hold him down!

Mike, get off!

It's OK. It's going to be all right.

You're going to get ketchup on me!

-Ah!

-Agh!

Hey, Danielle.

I know this sounds awful, but, erm,

-I think I'm going to head home.

-Fine, go.

-What? What is it?

-Francesca was right.

It IS all about you.

What? What are you talking about?

Guy!

The moment I express an interest in anyone, you just have to wade on in.

I don't know why I'm still friends with you.

Yes, no.

You're completely right. I...I totally understand.

I've been...a nightmare.

I've been shallow and insecure

and competitive, and worried about what people think about me,

and I've been, well, let me see - I have been a bit like...

you, Francesca!

And I can see that being like that,

-it's actually kind of pathetic.

-Oh, yeah!

Says the teenage dropout single mum!

Yes, I am all of those things.

But that is fine -

because I have a beautiful child,

who I love - and somebody in my life who actually cares about me,

which, by the way, is why I would

never be interested in some guy like...

-Guy.

-Guy, thank you. I'm assuming it is Francesca

-who said that I fancied you.

-Erm...

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Francesca, what is wrong with you?

-No, this is all a misunderstanding.

I didn't. It was her! She's threatened our friendship.

-She's jealous.

-No! No, I'm not jealous of you, actually.

You see, I used to be on your track,

so I know where this train is headed.

YOU will graduate with a 2:2,

and some generic student experiences.

Maybe you'll fit in a trip to Thailand and think that buying a...

an ethnic printed sarong equals broadening your horizons.

PARTY GUESTS WHISPER AMONGST THEMSELVES

You'll get out there on the milk round with your...your padded bra

and your padded CV.

Except no-one will be interested, because out there,

in the real world, you have no real talents, so eventually,

you'll have to marry some... dipstick like Guy

to pay off your student loan. You might in the future

scrape together a small job in PR,

or maybe in an expensive shop selling complete tat to slightly

more successful versions of yourself.

Then you will pop out a couple of dull kids,

who will secretly hate you, the way that you hate your mother,

and then the whole cycle will start all over again.

So, enjoy it while you can, Francesca,

because this... is as good as it gets.

GASPS FROM PARTY GUESTS

Oh, my God!

If you'll excuse me, I think I have to go home.

-Sorry.

-God...!

Laura! That was awesome!

Yeah. I think I really needed that.

Wait, I'm coming with you!

What? No, you don't have to, I'm fine.

And maybe we'll bump into somebody else we don't like

and I'll watch you bitch-slap them, too!

HE WHISTLES

-# Dee-dee-dee... # Morning!

-All right, son.

# Da-da, da-da! #

Morning!

God - puts it all into perspective, doesn't it?

I'm sorry I acted so paranoid.

Oh...!

-That was Ian on the phone.

-Oh, right!

-What does he want?

-He was just telling me how I couldn't work

Saturdays any more because of how it might be perceived.

Ah.

What the hell were you thinking going round there?

Sorry!

It's just been hard, Sandra.

I've just felt really low at the moment.

How do you think I feel?

I've just literally had a half-hour lecture on why

I am not attractive.

Yeah?

-Well, that's not what he told me.

-Yeah, right(!)

No!

He told me that he was crazy about you.

Really?

We had a big fall-out

and he begged me not to tell you how he felt.

Oh?

What did he say, exactly?

Oh, he said loads of stuff.

He said, like, how you're nothing like his wife,

and how your voice drove him crazy!

What, do his big speech was just like a smokescreen

for his real feelings?

Yeah - that must be it.

Oh, God!

I thought it was just a bit of innocent flirting, but I mean...

God, I'd no idea I was... having that sort of impact.

-Yeah, well, he's only human, Sandra.

-Yeah!

I mean, I know I've still got it, like, but... God!

-Maybe I should say something.

-Nah! Whoa!

No. Sh... Probably best not to acknowledge it -

at all.

-You know, for his sake.

-Yeah.

-Kind.

-Mmm.

Oh, my God. Laura, you look...

I know, I know, I've been on the coach for like five hours.

..beautiful.

Oh!

Er, OK.

CORK POPS Just thought it would be nice

to have a romantic evening.

Are you trying to have sex with me?

Not immediately!

I'm doing a word-of-mouth viral thing.

This pie will exist as an entity

and all the cool people will be drawn to it.

Mike's having a party this Saturday.

Thought maybe we could go...together?

I didn't bring anyone because I have no friends.

In fact, I'm just going to go.

Beth, you have to come in.

# It's come

# To nothing

# These days are up before they start

# I get

# No better

# You turn away

# I fall apart tonight

# The danger

# Won't leave the air

# Until the likes of this love

# For this lover

# For this love... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd