Optimum Conditions Pramface

-So, we're both...

-Yeah.

Daddy, I got the job.

-What job?

-Your job, actually.

-Steven sent over the contract this morning.

-He bloody what?

Laura, you look beautiful.

This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.

-JANET:

-Simon? Yeah, where are we with that?

Not yet, no, but I absolutely will. Timing is the key.

Jamie! Don't just lie there doing nothing!

You're supposed to be helping!

This would be easier if you actually told them we're seeing each other.

I know. I will. Eventually. But...

-Are you having second thoughts?

-No.

Ah. So you're ashamed of telling them about me.

No...

I'm not ashamed of you...

..but they'll be ashamed of me for picking you.

-Oh, well, thank you very much.

-Well, it's true.

It's not like anybody's going to be happy about this.

Actually, I've told mine and they're delighted.

Ah, this is a bloody disaster!

I think it's great. I hope it works out for them.

And then what? What if they want to get married?

-So what if they do?

-I'm not spending Christmas with her parents.

So that's your big worry, Christmas dinner?

We'll have to talk to him, tell him not to force the issue.

Don't you say anything, though. We have to present a united front.

So you just keep your mouth shut.

So, if I get good AS results, it'll be a celebration party

and, if I get bad results,

well, I'll just get hammered.

-So who are you inviting?

-Nobody.

I'm doing a word-of-mouth viral thingy.

This party will exist as an entity

and all the cool people will be drawn to it.

So, can I even tell anyone?

Yes. But don't ask them to come.

DON'T ask them to come?

No. But do mention there'll be a smoke machine.

Ooh, that should bring in the international party crowd.

What about Laura? Reckon you can get her to bring some of her mates?

I'm not even sure Laura will come.

She doesn't want anyone to know that we're together.

Oh, she's just probably not as into it as you are.

How can you say that?

She's totally into me.

I think it's significant

that Alan has instigated the sessions this time.

Yes, well, now Janet's working full time,

I feel as if she has started to neglect our relationship.

Good and, Janet, would you like to respond to that?

'I'm sorry,

'I'm just having trouble hearing you over this bloody thing.'

Alan's saying that he feels you're not always there emotionally.

'That's simply not true. I'm taking time out

'from a very complex, sensitive negotiation to take this call.'

I think we all appreciate your participation

and, in a way, you not being here is very useful.

When you only have the voice,

it really helps to focus on what's being said.

So, Alan, what do you really want to say?

I'm supporting her in her career,

but I want to feel as if I'm at least being listened to.

Could you respond to that?

Uh, Janet?

'Uh, hello, no, it's Lucinda, Janet's PA here, actually.

'Janet's had to step away from the phone for a moment,

'but I'm taking notes and I'll bring her up to speed.'

Right, well, I would like Janet to show me

-that she is giving our relationship the attention it deserves.

-Hmm.

Can she do that?

'Uh, I don't have the authority to give an answer,

'but I'll certainly pass on the message.'

OK, Lucinda, thank you.

Very helpful. Yeah.

TV PLAYS

TV SWITCHES OFF

Everything all right?

I'm just really confused about Laura.

-OK, I'm just going to...

-Sit down.

She says she wants a relationship,

then she backs off like she's not interested.

Ah, you just need to take things slowly.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

That's just women, mate. They're nuts.

I mean, they're emotionally complex.

I've been giving her a hard time for not telling her parents.

Maybe I should back off a bit.

-She's not told her parents?

-No.

I mean, I get it. I'm obviously not what they'd want.

Don't let her push you around.

If you get sidelined at the start of a relationship,

-there is no going back.

-She's right.

Shut up, Keith, I'm talking here.

This relationship is happening and everyone needs to know it.

-You're right.

-Yeah, damn right I am.

So you get in there and show her who's boss.

Yeah, I will.

Thanks, Mum.

Thanks, Dad.

So what happened to not forcing the issue?

That's before she started acting like she was ashamed of him.

What?

Nothing! It's just, you didn't tell your family about me for months.

But that was different, Keith. I was right to be worried about you.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello, Laura.

Hi, Alan.

Oh, hi, Jamie. Are you here for Emily?

No, no, no, I just thought I'd pop round, see this little lady.

Right, well, I should probably go and check on Emily, so...

Oh, Mike's having a party this Saturday.

I thought maybe we could go,

you know, together.

Maybe your mum and dad could babysit?

Oh, no, I can't. Tied up all weekend.

That's fine, that's fine,

I don't need to go to Mike's party anyway, so doesn't matter.

Jamie, come and help me with Emily.

-Now.

-OK.

Jamie, what are you doing?

I'm sick of sneaking around.

We've been together for, like, a year and a half, on and off.

Mainly off.

See, that's the problem.

I've been in it, you've not.

Fine. Let's go by your calendar.

We've been together four weeks. I think it's time I met your parents.

Wait! Jamie, Jamie, what if we want to be, you know...together?

As in...together?

Yeah.

As in...

As in sex, Jamie. It's not a bloody cryptic crossword.

Do you really want my parents thinking it could be happening

any time you pop around?

Might it be happening any time I pop round?

Possibly. Providing you don't ruin it by provoking my parents.

No. No, let's not do that.

I just want it to be right this time.

Not another drunken fumble.

I wasn't that drunk.

I was drunk, you were fumbling.

I just want everything to be...perfect.

Yeah.

Me too.

Do you really think having my parents downstairs wondering

what we might be up to sounds like...optimum conditions?

ALAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

We can't go on like this, Janet.

I don't see what the problem is.

You don't see a problem in not showing up to our counselling session?

I've got Lucinda's notes. She is very thorough.

Perhaps I should be talking to her, then?

She seems far more across our relationship than you do.

I'm heavily committed at work. You remember what that was like.

And you remember what it was like for you at home being ignored.

Well, there you go. Quid pro quo.

LAURA: 'No, don't come over here.

-'It'll be easier for me and Emily to come to yours.'

-OK, fine.

-You bring her over here, then.

-'OK, bye.'

All right, I'll see you later. Bye.

Women, eh?

When I first got with your mother, nothing I ever did was good enough.

I just drew a line in the sand.

I said, "This is me, you accept me for who I am."

And she accepted you?

No, she not exactly accepted,

more just realised there wasn't going to be any improvement.

I think all we need is some space.

We never get to just be together and have...

..a proper conversation.

Right...

so when did you last have a...

chat?

Not since the first time we...talked.

-Bloody hell.

-I know!

I tell you what, I'll take your mum out tonight, give you some privacy.

Oh, that'd be great.

I'll need about 40 quid.

Hey, it's a small price to pay...

for a good natter.

-'Did you get your results?'

-Yep, B and two Cs. How did you do?

Yeah, I aced them - two Cs and a D.

'So, pre-party party tonight?'

No. Mum and Dad are going out and I've got Laura coming over.

-Oh, my God! Is it go time?

-'No.'

I mean, it might be go time.

We'll see how it goes.

-'I'll be round in ten minutes.'

-No! Mike...

MIKE HANGS UP

Cushions.

BARRY WHITE: 'I never take anything for granted.

-'Only a fool, baby, takes things for granted.'

-Better, better.

Good.

'Just because it's here today, it can be gone tomorrow...'

Wine...

Candles...

Too many candles.

OK, I'm pretty sure I can take it from here now, Mike, if you want...

No, no, no, no, no, no, you are nowhere near ready.

She's not going to be blind drunk this time.

Expectations are going to be a lot higher,

which is why I got you this.

What is it?

It's a shark's tooth.

Why would I want to wear a shark's tooth?

So she thinks you kill sharks.

-I'm pretty sure she knows I don't kill sharks.

-Yeah, consciously,

but subconsciously, she'll register that you're dangerous.

-Dangerous to sharks?

-Exactly.

Look, how hot is that?

Not that hot?

OK, look, you're going to be playing catch-up sexually,

but luckily, sports science is here to help.

Right, here we go.

All we need to do is simply find

an elite athlete with a body type which is similar to yours

and then model your technique on theirs.

These are links to guys with similar body shapes to you.

GIRLS MOAN AND SIGH

Oh, Mike, turn that off.

What? Oh, come on, it took me hours to find these!

It's not like your body type's popular.

Oh, yeah, this is a good one, ready?

MOANING

Who am I even supposed to be looking at?

Not that. That guy, the one in the middle with the moustache.

Oh! I'm not doing that.

DOOR OPENS

Oh, that's her. Put it away, go, go.

You look great, you look brilliant.

All right, Beth.

Beth. Hiya. What are you...?

My life is over.

Yeah?

Why, what's happened?

My Biology AS?

I got a fucking B.

Oui, nous voudrions rester, uh...deux nuits.

Uh, quoi?

Ah, pour deux personnes.

Oui, deux personnes. Merci.

Uh...quoi?

So it's a B, what's the big deal?

I'm a straight A student.

I can't have a B.

It's just a couple of marks different.

Tell that to Cambridge University.

-I thought you said Cambridge was a relic filled with snobs.

-Yeah.

Yes, which I would have changed for the better, from within.

God, this means my year at Harvard is off too.

And I was going to meet a cute guy

who was like a marine biologist

who'd take me whale-watching.

Now that's not going to happen cos the exam board screwed up.

Give me your laptop, I'm going to e-mail them.

Oh, no! That's, er, it's broken.

So why don't you sleep on it?

Yeah? Just...sleep on it.

Yeah, we should get going, Beth.

Jamie's got Laura coming over.

They're having sex.

Oh, God, I do not need to see that again.

I am going to die alone,

with a mediocre degree

and I'll never see a blue whale!

OK, come on.

-Good luck.

-Go.

Yeah, go on!

Come on, Beth, I'll let you have a go on my smoke machine.

Janet.

I'd like to discuss our relationship in a non-judgemental way.

Why on earth are you talking like that?

Darling, have you banged your head again or something?

I'm just trying to find out what the hell is going on with you.

Nothing's going on with me.

Oh, come on.

I've seen you skulking around, heard you booking a hotel room.

Please just be honest with me.

Fine.

I've booked a hotel in Paris.

I thought it would be nice for us to get away,

spend some time with each other.

Well, that's a...lovely surprise.

Hmm, would have been, wouldn't it?

Sorry.

It's fine.

Just trust me, OK?

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, it's work.

Can I take this in the other room or do you want to listen in?

Steven? Where are we with that?

This way. Come in, come in,

just put Emily down there.

Jamie, are you wearing a necklace?

No! It's not... No.

Where's your mum and dad?

-Dad's taken Mum out.

-Really?

-Yeah,

so it's just the two of us. Wine?

OK, why?

I just thought it'd be nice to have a romantic evening.

Are you trying to have sex with me?

Not immediately, no.

I just, I thought...

you know, optimum conditions.

Right. It's not really optimum, though, is it, Jamie?

Emily's in the room and you've just put out a bowl of crisps.

Kettle chips.

Oh, well, take me now!

OK, you know what, forget it.

It's never going to be good enough, is it?

Oh, no, come on, it's just, we don't have to rush.

It just feels a bit like you're obsessed with sex.

Oh, OK, once in 18 years. You can't call that obsessed.

It's like saying I'm obsessed with kayaking

and I've actually done that twice.

Look, OK, don't get angry with me just because I'm not quite there yet.

Not quite there? You don't even want to be seen with me,

you're barely in this relationship.

I'm starting to wonder if I should be in it either.

DOOR OPENS

Ignore me! Ignore me.

Hiya, sorry, forgot to pick up that cash. Could I get it off you now?

Probably not.

Hi, Keith.

Ooh, posh crisps.

IN FRENCH:

I didn't realise you could be so assertive in a second language.

I think you might have frightened the Frenchman.

It was either that or have him follow you up here

and offer you his continental breakfast.

I thought I might let you in on a little surprise.

Hmm, sounds interesting.

We should do this more often, you know.

We can do this more often.

How do you fancy Manhattan?

I like Manhattan.

Great, well, you can come out and see me.

Sorry?

Steven's sending me out to New York on a two-month secondment.

But... What? When?

I leave on Monday.

LOUD DUBSTEP MUSIC

Oh, hi, Beth. Glad you could make it.

I got my remark.

Yeah?

B again.

I'm officially ordinary.

And I didn't bring anyone because I have no friends

or boyfriend, or future.

In fact, I'm just going to go. I'll just spoil the party.

No! Beth, you have to come in.

Somehow the cool-uncool ratio got out of whack.

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

Yes, well, I see what this is now.

It's not a romantic weekend at all, is it?

It's the walk in the woods before you put a bullet in my brain.

-Nonsense.

-So when were you planning on telling me exactly?

Well, now. I was just waiting for the right moment.

Oh, be reasonable. What about the 20 years I spent at home

while you had your career? That's got to be worth at least six months.

That's the...

I thought you said two months.

It's open-ended.

It's just a business trip. Don't be so melodramatic.

Well, in a calm, non-confrontational way,

let me tell you that, if you get on that plane,

our marriage is over.

And I left her there with the kettle chips.

So I think I basically blew it.

Oh, I wouldn't be too sure.

I'm with him.

Hi, Jamie.

All right?

Yeah. Can we...?

Come on, Beth, let's mingle.

I don't want to mingle.

-Shall we...?

-Yeah.

I'm surprised you made it.

I've been thinking about what you said

and I'm going to tell my parents.

You don't have to, I don't care anymore.

I know, I know, but I'm saying I will.

And I'm saying I don't care.

-Look, I'm sorry. I...

-No, look,

there comes a time when you just have to draw a line

and say, "This is who I am"

and this is that time.

Oh, my God, are you going to break up with me?

No! No.

You should feel like you have to respond to this

because I know you struggle with straightforward emotional statements

but...

I love you, Laura.

I...

Right.

Look, it's fine, like I said, you don't have to respond.

I can't just...

I know, and it's fine.

-Is it?

-Yeah, yeah.

I know that you'll come round, eventually.

Will I?

Yeah, in your own time.

So whether it's telling people that we're together

or holding hands in public,

sex, whatever,

it doesn't matter.

I'm saying, I'm there.

And when you're ready to join me, just let me know.

OK.

Yeah?

OK.

OK, I might be bad at straightforward

but I do know this.

We have babysitters all night and this party is awful

and my house is completely empty. MEN MAKE LIGHT SABRE NOISES

OK?

Well, doesn't that sound like...

optimum conditions to you?

Oh, keys. Keys in the door.

Yeah, probably just leave them.

Oh! I should really re-sterilise those.

Yeah, later. Come on.

Is this...?

Is this a new belt?

-Ow!

-OK, OK.

Jamie, can we move?

Why? Are we not OK?

I thought it was going OK.

I'm getting a bit distracted by all the dangling objects.

Oh, I see!

My God, this party's a disaster.

No, I'm the disaster.

I have no friends, no boyfriend

and I'm not even that smart, so...

Where did Jamie go?

I think he went to go and do Laura.

Good.

How nice of them to flaunt their happiness while I'm failing at life.

Beth!

You are a very bright,

intelligent...bright girl.

And if these universities can't see that,

then they're not worth going to university at.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Screw them.

-Yeah.

With their big libraries

and their faculties

-full of academic bastards.

-Bastards.

I say, reject rejection.

Reject rejection.

THEY LAUGH

That's brilliant.

Yeah. Yeah, it is. Cheers.

HE BELCHES

-Mike.

-Yeah?

I don't know if it's the jelly shots,

or the lighting...

..or the despair...

..but there's something about you.

Yeah, I know.

You can never tell anyone.

Who's going to believe me?

OK, OK, sorry, just to be sure,

-the condom is...

-Oh, God, yes.

-OK.

You're absolutely sure?

Way ahead of you, and yes, 100%.

Good.

Give me one second.

-Yeah, we're good.

-OK.

MUSIC: "Settle" by Two Door Cinema Club

# Everything I cannot imagine

# This dim-lit room has seen much before me

# And I don't want

# To ever know

# To know... #

Hey, sleepy head.

Oh, my God!

We didn't, did we?

Judging by the evidence, I'd say it probably got freaky.

Oh, my God.

I honestly can't remember.

Well, that's good enough for me.

I'm taking that one as a win.

No, no! No-one's a winner here.

Wow!

Finally!

Who'd have thought?

You and me.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd