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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:28 | 0:00:30 | |
Hello! | 0:00:30 | 0:00:35 | |
Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, | 0:00:35 | 0:00:38 | |
and welcome to QI, where tonight our topic is Journeys. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:45 | |
And let's see who's in the arrivals hall today. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
All the way up from Down Under, it's Cal Wilson. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:51 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:51 | 0:00:54 | |
Hello! | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
The only way here is from Essex - Phill Jupitus. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:58 | 0:01:01 | |
And...from Port Talbot Parkway, stopping at Pyle, Bridgend, Pencoed, | 0:01:04 | 0:01:09 | |
Llanharan, Pontyclun, Ninian Park and Cardiff Central - | 0:01:09 | 0:01:14 | |
Rob Brydon. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:15 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
And bearing the label, "Not Wanted On Voyage," Alan Davies. | 0:01:21 | 0:01:25 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
And they all have little buzzer noises and Cal goes... | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT CHIMES | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
And Rob goes... | 0:01:37 | 0:01:38 | |
STEAM TRAIN WHISTLES | 0:01:38 | 0:01:41 | |
Phill goes... | 0:01:41 | 0:01:42 | |
FOGHORN BLARES | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
-Which you do, in fact, don't you? -I do. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
-LAUGHTER -And Alan goes... | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
HORN HONKS | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
That's your chosen mode of transport. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
We've travelled a lot, Alan, | 0:01:53 | 0:01:54 | |
and one of the places we travelled to a few months ago was Australia, | 0:01:54 | 0:01:57 | |
and that's where we found Cal, | 0:01:57 | 0:01:58 | |
who is New Zealand's perhaps greatest stand-up comedian | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
-and works mostly in Melbourne now, don't you? -Yes, I do, I do. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
-I've got the Antipodes covered! -Yeah! | 0:02:04 | 0:02:06 | |
But we liked you so much we smuggled you in our luggage | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
-and we brought you back here, so, welcome. -Thank you. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
I make a better souvenir than an interesting key ring, I suppose. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
Exactly, exactly! | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
-I did want a koala but... -A stuffed koala? | 0:02:16 | 0:02:18 | |
-Not on, apparently. -No. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single question - | 0:02:20 | 0:02:24 | |
where the hell did I leave my passport? | 0:02:24 | 0:02:27 | |
I lost mine on a plane once and it had gone down, | 0:02:27 | 0:02:29 | |
-under the cushion of my seat. -Oh! | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
-Oh, yeah. -The actual plane seat. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:33 | |
-Yeah. -I was on the plane for a... I refused to get off the plane. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:37 | |
-Yeah, you have to get your seat disassembled. I've had that. -Eventually, I found it. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:42 | |
That's the end of the story. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:44 | 0:02:45 | |
Oh, that's a beautiful story! That is... | 0:02:45 | 0:02:48 | |
That is a lovely, lovely story. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
Stephen, is that Alan Davies or is it...? | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
Hang on, is it Peter Ustinov?! LAUGHTER | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
That was a hell of an anecdote! | 0:02:56 | 0:02:59 | |
If that is the level of the bar this evening, I may go home. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:02 | 0:03:03 | |
Is it you? Specifically you? Where did YOU leave YOUR passport? | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
No, it's technique. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:07 | |
The University of Wisconsin, when you lose something, | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
it actually helps to say the name of the thing that you've lost, | 0:03:10 | 0:03:14 | |
or you are looking for. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:15 | |
-Dignity. -Yes! | 0:03:15 | 0:03:16 | |
-LAUGHTER -Very good. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:03:19 | 0:03:21 | |
-Brilliant! -You see? | 0:03:21 | 0:03:22 | |
-Exactly. -For me, that would make it worse. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:25 | |
-That would just draw attention to it. -Your wallet has a name?! | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
Well, no... | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
"Peregrine!" | 0:03:30 | 0:03:31 | |
-LAUGHTER -"PEREGRINE! Baaa!" | 0:03:31 | 0:03:35 | |
"Peregrine!" | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
-LAUGHTER -That's how... | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
-It might work! -It has now! | 0:03:43 | 0:03:47 | |
From now on it will be called Peregrine. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
But anyway, that's not the point, the point is, for example, | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
you open a cutlery drawer and where the hell's the garlic peeler, or whatever? | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
-If you just say garlic peeler. -Yes, the garlic peeler. Again... | 0:03:55 | 0:03:59 | |
-"Andrew! "Andrew!" -LAUGHTER | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
You're missing my point about names, here. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
I just mean the word we give the thing. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
Its normal description, as found in a dictionary. | 0:04:12 | 0:04:15 | |
Not from the list of given names. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
It isn't Julian the cheese grater. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
It isn't Barbara the corkscrew. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:24 | |
It'd put a different complexion on Marlon Brando yelling "Stella!" | 0:04:24 | 0:04:27 | |
when it was just a pair of glasses he was after. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
-He lost his wallet! -His sunglasses are called Stella. Exactly. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
So, what did you do? You have to say, | 0:04:33 | 0:04:35 | |
-"Wallet, wallet, wallet"? -"Keys, keys, keys, keys, | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
-"keys, keys." -Yeah, exactly. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
So, you say, sort of, you know, "bottle opener, bottle opener." | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
You've got more chance of seeing it, you're look... | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
-"Money, money, money..." -LAUGHTER | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
-You know that phrase... -"GOLD, GOLD!" | 0:04:47 | 0:04:49 | |
-LAUGHTER -You know that phrase, "It was just staring me in the face," | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
and you somehow couldn't see it? | 0:04:52 | 0:04:53 | |
The act of speaking does something in your brain | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
that actually allows your eyes to see it more clearly. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
-That's been demonstrated. -Reminds me of that phrase, | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
"Couldn't see the wood for the trees," | 0:05:00 | 0:05:03 | |
-have you ever come across that phrase before? -I have, I have. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
-I never used to understand it. -What it basically means is | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
you're looking at... Wait. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:11 | |
-LAUGHTER You're looking for wood. -Yes, yes. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:16 | |
-Not in the way you might! -No, not in that sense! -LAUGHTER | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
-You're looking, you're looking for wood... -Yeah. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
-..and you're looking at trees. -Yes. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:25 | |
So, you are, in essence, looking at wood. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
-They are wood, aren't they? -But you're s... I've got it, Alan. LAUGHTER | 0:05:27 | 0:05:31 | |
But you're seeing trees so you can't see the wood for the trees | 0:05:31 | 0:05:36 | |
and, I think, in a funny old way, it's a little bit like what you're talking about. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
-LAUGHTER -Almost exactly not. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:42 | |
-Yeah. -Yeah. -LAUGHTER | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
It's nice you brought that up. It's a good... | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
Now, the other thing, before I finish, | 0:05:46 | 0:05:47 | |
the other thing I'd like to bring up is this business now with passports. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:51 | |
-They don't like you to smile in the photograph. -Oh, no. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
-When I grew up, a smile was always mandatory. -A big grin, yes. | 0:05:53 | 0:05:56 | |
Like, if you're... | 0:05:56 | 0:05:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:57 | 0:05:59 | |
But now, you have to look like you're suspected of having done something. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:03 | |
I look like a Russian prison guard in my passport photo. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:05 | |
I can see that! I can see that! Absolutely. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:08 | 0:06:09 | |
A hatchet-faced Silesian fish wife. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
Every single photo booth I get into appears to be set on "paedophile". | 0:06:13 | 0:06:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:17 | 0:06:21 | |
Try and recreate that look for us now, could you? | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
Right, for a kick-off, what you have to do in a photo-Me booth | 0:06:23 | 0:06:27 | |
is, they don't let you wear glasses either, | 0:06:27 | 0:06:28 | |
and, also, because the camera lens is behind the mirror | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
and you don't know where it is you're always looking slightly off... | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
-That's true. -Is it down...? OK, this is the look. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:38 | 0:06:41 | |
Stay away from my children! | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
It gets you... It gets you out of a lot of baby-sitting duties, though. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:51 | |
I bet our passports would look quite good together | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
cos you're the paedophile and I'm the prison guard. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
Yeah, we should travel together. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
-LAUGHTER -I'm with my Kiwi handler. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:02 | |
-Do kiwis have handlers? -LAUGHTER | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
-There's not, they're not very good... -Are they edible? | 0:07:05 | 0:07:07 | |
-We're not allowed to eat them. -Like swans? | 0:07:07 | 0:07:10 | |
I mean, the Queen's allowed them. Is the Queen allowed kiwis? | 0:07:10 | 0:07:14 | |
-I don't think she is. -Could she eat anything cos she's the Queen? | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
-I wouldn't be the one to tell her not to but... -I imagine not! -No, no. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:21 | |
"Stop eating that kiwi, you dreadful old woman!" | 0:07:21 | 0:07:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:23 | 0:07:24 | |
I imagine that you'd be a bit more polite. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
You are Stephen Fry off the telly. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:28 | |
-You don't have to do the "dreadful old woman." -No... | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
But it would be a dreadful thing to do. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:32 | |
-You could say, "Stop eating that kiwi, ma'am, have some jam." -Exactly, exactly. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:37 | |
-"Your Majesty, put the puffin down!" -LAUGHTER | 0:07:37 | 0:07:40 | |
Let's just have situations where we tell the Queen to stop eating... | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
That sounds like a children's game. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:44 | |
"And now have a round of Your Majesty Put The Puffin Down!" | 0:07:44 | 0:07:47 | |
-LAUGHTER -"You're the Queen, so, one...two...three... -Trousers off! | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
"..Your Majesty, put the puffin down!" Yes, very good. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:53 | |
I don't know why or how we got there, | 0:07:53 | 0:07:55 | |
but that's what journeys do to you. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
Anyway, describe the travel arrangements | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
of the Japanese flying snail. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
-FOGHORN BLARES -Where is it going? | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:04 | 0:08:05 | |
Er, it probably won't travel more than 11 miles, but very fast. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:11 | |
Does it drop? | 0:08:11 | 0:08:12 | |
-Yes. -Is it a fall? | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
Yes, but how would it get up? | 0:08:14 | 0:08:16 | |
-They haven't got wings, have they, you see? -They haven't. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
They haven't, but we haven't got wings and we fly, how do we do it? | 0:08:18 | 0:08:21 | |
-In an aeroplane. -In an aeroplane. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:22 | |
-We get in... -I've got the answer. -..a conveyance of flight. -STEAM TRAIN WHISTLES | 0:08:22 | 0:08:26 | |
-They hop on a bird or a creature with wings - a bird. -Yes. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:30 | |
Erm, they hop on... | 0:08:30 | 0:08:31 | |
Could have been a bat? | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
Could've been a bat. Could have been a bat or a bird. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:36 | |
Or a strange hybrid of bird bat. LAUGHTER | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
They hop onto a creature with the ability to fly. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
But 11 miles, that's very, very high. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:44 | |
-It's not the height, it's not the altitude, they travel... -LAUGHTER | 0:08:44 | 0:08:47 | |
They are not going up into space! | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
I've got it in my head that they're dropping 11 miles. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
It's not a voluntary act, they get eaten by birds. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:54 | |
-Oh. -There are two types of bird on the little island of Haha-jima. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:57 | |
Haha-jima, it's one of the Ogasawara Islands, south of Japan, | 0:08:57 | 0:09:00 | |
as you can see, and there is the Japanese White-eye and the Brown-eyed bulbul, | 0:09:00 | 0:09:05 | |
which are two types of bird. There they are. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
And they eat this particular snail... | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
and about 15% of them survive the process | 0:09:10 | 0:09:13 | |
and are excreted out alive and so they are, kind of, spreading their, | 0:09:13 | 0:09:17 | |
-spreading the genes further around. -Is this to scale? -Yeah. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:21 | |
-Because that seems unlikely. -No, it's not! | 0:09:21 | 0:09:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:23 | 0:09:24 | |
That'd be a seriously weighed down bulbul. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:26 | |
That snail would eat that bird! I'd back the snail! | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
Is the, is the bird on the left, is that a white ring around its eye | 0:09:29 | 0:09:34 | |
-or has it just excreted a full size snail? -Yeah! Oh! | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
"Whoa!" | 0:09:37 | 0:09:38 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
It can be up to between 30 minutes or two hours later | 0:09:40 | 0:09:42 | |
that it passes through the bird's system, as it were, | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
and the bird can fly at about 11mph. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
Is the snail doing some of the work, to pass through that quickly? | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
Is it trundling towards the exit of the bird as well? | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
It's the normal peristaltic action of the digestive system of the bird | 0:09:52 | 0:09:56 | |
pushing it through its crop, down into its tummy | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
-and then out of its little botty. -Does the snail go into his own shell, | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
by which I don't mean get a little self-conscious? | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
Does he retreat into his shell to take shelter? | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
I should imagine he would. I should imagine he would. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:10 | |
Don't they pick them from the shell? Don't they...? | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
Like you do in a restaurant with a little special fork? | 0:10:12 | 0:10:15 | |
-They've got a special fork! -Which is called Arnold, by the way. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:19 | |
-I'm writing it down. Ice cream scoop called Vanessa. -Yes! | 0:10:19 | 0:10:23 | |
-So, anyway... -What would you call one of those pizza cutters? | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
The rolly pizza cutter? | 0:10:26 | 0:10:27 | |
-Clement. -Clement. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:30 | |
-Can we call it Dave? -LAUGHTER | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
Well, there you are. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:34 | |
Yes, good. So, the cry goes up, "Abandon ship," now. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
That's our next question, "Abandon ship." | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
Now, we are proud Britons and one proud Kiwi, | 0:10:39 | 0:10:42 | |
what do we say next? What do we chaps say? | 0:10:42 | 0:10:44 | |
Women and children first! | 0:10:44 | 0:10:46 | |
Oh! | 0:10:46 | 0:10:47 | |
KLAXON BLARES | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
As far as we know, that's only ever been cried twice. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:53 | |
It's called the Birkenhead Drill | 0:10:53 | 0:10:55 | |
and it happened on board a ship called the Birkenhead | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
but that was cos the captain pointed a gun at his crew | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
and said, "Women and children first." | 0:10:59 | 0:11:01 | |
This had not been an idea that especially existed before | 0:11:01 | 0:11:05 | |
and, in fact, it's very un-British. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:07 | |
Women have a lesser chance of surviving | 0:11:07 | 0:11:10 | |
if a British ship sinks than a Continental one. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
-That's good to know! -Yup, so there you go. -LAUGHTER | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
So, we aren't the gallant creatures that we thought we were, at all. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
The Titanic was the other one in which men were told to stand back | 0:11:18 | 0:11:22 | |
and there was, we've had this on QI before, | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
there was one crew member who survived, | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
went all the way home to Liverpool | 0:11:26 | 0:11:27 | |
and he had the door slammed in his face by his mother | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
who was ashamed of him for having survived. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:32 | |
-But, in fact, more... -She sounds nice. -Yeah, charming! | 0:11:32 | 0:11:36 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:36 | 0:11:37 | |
Extraordinary. I mean, unbelievable! | 0:11:37 | 0:11:39 | |
But, obviously, you want a fair number of fit, strong people | 0:11:39 | 0:11:44 | |
who know their way around the waters, as it were, | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
once you're in the lifeboat cos if it's women and children | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
there's not really going to be that much, necessarily, use in being in the lifeboat. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
That's a bit sexist, Stephen! | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
You need at least one crew member who can navigate by the stars or who can operate the oars efficiently. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:59 | |
Or isn't going, "Oh, look, | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
"there's a fish over there! Let's go over there!" | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
I wasn't going to be the one to say that, I'm glad you did. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
Known as the Birkenhead Drill, it's not common. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:09 | |
Has anybody here ever had to muster? Have you ever mustered, Stephen? | 0:12:09 | 0:12:13 | |
Not on a ship. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:14 | |
Well, I was filming something on a cruise ship, and it hit a rock. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:18 | |
Good gracious. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:19 | |
And we had to genuinely muster. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
And the important thing in that situation | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
is to stay calm. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
I absolutely cacked myself. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
-I was terrified. -Really? -Yes! | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
Yeah, hard to believe(!) I was. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
It was very frightening. We were filming a scene with James Corden. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:39 | |
It was a thing called Cruise Of The Gods. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
We'd blacked out the windows of this cabin to simulate night. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:45 | |
All of a sudden, the boat tipped at an incredible angle one way. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:50 | |
-James Corden gone over to the...? -LAUGHTER | 0:12:50 | 0:12:54 | |
-Naughty! -That's very naughty, Alan. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
That's very naughty. | 0:12:57 | 0:12:58 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:12:58 | 0:13:00 | |
You know, a lot of people in Britain struggle with their weight, Alan. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:06 | |
-Yes, I do. Yeah. -I wasn't thinking of you! | 0:13:06 | 0:13:09 | |
-< Were you with him? -LAUGHTER | 0:13:09 | 0:13:13 | |
And we ended up having to abandon ship that night, | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
-just like...similar to Titanic. -Wowser! | 0:13:16 | 0:13:19 | |
LAUGHTER Yeah, I don't want to say just like... | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
-Yeah. -It wasn't that bad. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:23 | |
It's a good enough story without embellishing that much. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
All right, yeah. But we get off, | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
and we're watching the ship lit up in the background... | 0:13:27 | 0:13:31 | |
And where was the nearest land? | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
We were close to land because we were coming out of a port. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:36 | |
The captain was coming out of port too fast, | 0:13:36 | 0:13:38 | |
and sure enough, we went... CRUNCHING SOUND | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
So we were quite close. But a very frightening experience. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
I mean, with all due deference to the captain of this vessel | 0:13:44 | 0:13:48 | |
going too fast out of port, | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
I mean, if he doesn't do that, his kids can't water-ski. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
-LAUGHTER -Fair point. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
-He's got to give them a treat, hasn't he? -Yeah. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
What's the point of being a captain if you can't have a laugh? | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
Anyway, there you are, yes. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
Who used to hang out with Richard Burton | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
and drive cabbies round the bend? | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
-PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT CHIMES -Yeah. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
Elizabeth Hailer? | 0:14:10 | 0:14:11 | |
Oh, very good! | 0:14:11 | 0:14:13 | |
That is...no. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
-Who is that? Go on. -It's not OJ Simpson? | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
It is OJ Simpson! Very good. With Burton, | 0:14:17 | 0:14:19 | |
of course, so, now we're confusing you, | 0:14:19 | 0:14:22 | |
because this is a bit naughty of us. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
This enemy of cabs was a real enemy of cabs. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
And oddly enough, by mentioning Elizabeth Hailer, | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
for which, chapeau, as they say, you've got the right gender, | 0:14:30 | 0:14:33 | |
because the person who annoyed this cabbie was in fact a woman. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:36 | |
-That's the Richard Burton we're talking about. Who was he? -Was he an English explorer? | 0:14:36 | 0:14:40 | |
He was an amazing man. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:42 | |
He went off for years at a time and occasionally wrote letters to his wife? | 0:14:42 | 0:14:46 | |
As seems to be... no tweeting or Skypeing. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
There was no tweeting. Absolutely. He spoke 29 languages. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:52 | |
He was a quite remarkable man. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:53 | |
And he gave the English-speaking world | 0:14:53 | 0:14:56 | |
the unexpurgated translation of the 1,001 Nights, | 0:14:56 | 0:14:59 | |
and indeed, the Kama Sutra. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
So he was considered by Victorians as absolutely outrageous and scandalous. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:04 | |
But he was an extraordinary scholar and adventurer, a remarkable man. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:08 | |
But he had a friend called Mrs Prodgers, | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
who I assume must have been... | 0:15:11 | 0:15:13 | |
that sounds like a Welsh surname, presumably, is it? | 0:15:13 | 0:15:16 | |
Is Prodgers a name you've come across before? | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
-No. -It's a new one on me. -I've never heard Prodgers. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:21 | |
-Quite a nice name. Mrs Prodgers. -"Mrs Prodgers came in yesterday." | 0:15:21 | 0:15:24 | |
"What did she want?" | 0:15:24 | 0:15:25 | |
"Well, she wouldn't say. She was looking for you." | 0:15:25 | 0:15:28 | |
You've built up a whole little scenario in your head! | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
"She looked upset, though. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
"I hear her Bronwyn is taking her exams this week." | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
"Yes, she is. Mind you, that glandular fever has played hell with her revision." | 0:15:36 | 0:15:40 | |
And we'll look in next week for Episode 2 of Life With The Prodgers! | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
But this woman, whose name was Prodgers, | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
had conducted a lifelong, insane, | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
very typically Victorian-ly eccentric battle against cabbies, | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
for whom, for some reason, she really had it in for them. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:54 | |
Seems they ply a harmless trade, in those days, of course, | 0:15:54 | 0:15:57 | |
using horses rather than engines, and she knew to within feet | 0:15:57 | 0:16:01 | |
the exact limits of the journeys they could make for one shilling, | 0:16:01 | 0:16:05 | |
and she would make them make the journey | 0:16:05 | 0:16:07 | |
within a few yards of the boundary which would then allow them to charge more, | 0:16:07 | 0:16:10 | |
and then she would wait precisely the amount of time she was allowed to wait | 0:16:10 | 0:16:14 | |
without them charging extra waiting time. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:16 | |
And then she gloried more than anything else in them trying to get more money off her, | 0:16:16 | 0:16:20 | |
and then she would take them to court, and she would usually win. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
It was a bizarre practice. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
But it got to the stage... she also travelled in some style, | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
so when she arrived at King's Cross station, she'd have five porters - | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
three for her luggage, and two to carry her children. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:35 | |
And there'd be the line of cabs outside just as there is today | 0:16:35 | 0:16:37 | |
in any station, and there would be a shout of, | 0:16:37 | 0:16:40 | |
"Mrs Prodgers! Mrs Prodgers!" and they'd all bugger off. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:43 | |
-LAUGHTER -They'd all disappear. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
And in 1876, on Bonfire Night, | 0:16:45 | 0:16:48 | |
they made an effigy of her, the cabbies, and burned her in a huge bonfire, | 0:16:48 | 0:16:52 | |
and there were music hall songs about it. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
It was a very famous bizarre thing, | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
that this woman had it in for cabbies. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
Who knows, one of them may have tried to molest her | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
-or failed to molest her or whatever. -What an awful moment, when you realise she's in your cab. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:05 | |
I know. "Oh, it's bloody Prodgers." | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
"Taxi!" And she jumps in... "Oh, shit! Mrs Prodgers!" | 0:17:07 | 0:17:11 | |
Yeah. "I've got Mrs Prodgers." Very extraordinary. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:13 | |
But for some reason, she was very friendly with Richard Burton, | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
and he helped her and gave her advice, and considering he was, | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
as you rightly say, | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
not considered a particularly gallant man - as far as his wife was concerned, he was away a lot - | 0:17:21 | 0:17:25 | |
he was helpful and kind to her. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:26 | |
The rest of the family never understood, | 0:17:26 | 0:17:28 | |
because he was usually short-tempered with them. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
It was a standing joke, his regard for Mrs Prodgers. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:35 | |
She wasn't his alter ego? Like his... | 0:17:35 | 0:17:37 | |
No, I don't think he... | 0:17:37 | 0:17:38 | |
He'd dress up as Mrs Prodgers. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:40 | |
Were they ever seen in the same room? | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
Because he goes off exploring, thousands and thousands of miles, | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
-but as Mrs Prodgers, he only goes about 20 centimetres a time! -Interesting thought. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:49 | |
I got into a taxi once in London, | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
and the taxi driver saw me in the mirror and went, | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
"Hello, mate. Can I say, we do enjoy, the wife and I, watching you," | 0:17:54 | 0:17:58 | |
and I thought, "Oh, this is going to be lovely." | 0:17:58 | 0:18:01 | |
And he started telling me what he liked. | 0:18:01 | 0:18:03 | |
But he was mistaking me for Ben Miller. | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
A lot of them do that. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:06 | |
And he started listing lots of Ben's projects. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:10 | |
"I like that Primeval!" | 0:18:10 | 0:18:11 | |
Yeah, and he said The Worst Week Of My Life, | 0:18:11 | 0:18:14 | |
so I just played along. I said, "Thanks very much," | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
and then he actually said, | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
"I'll tell you who you must get confused for..." | 0:18:18 | 0:18:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:20 | 0:18:22 | |
"It's that Welsh one. It's that..." | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
And I said, "Oh, Rob Brydon?" He said, "Yeah!" | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
I said, "Oh, he's good," I said. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
I said, "I think he's fantastic." | 0:18:28 | 0:18:31 | |
And he said, "What, him? The Welsh one? I think he's a twat." | 0:18:31 | 0:18:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:34 | 0:18:35 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
So, there we are. That was Richard Burton. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:44 | |
How long would it take you to bicycle from Land's End | 0:18:44 | 0:18:48 | |
-to the northernmost part of Britain? -What, John O'Groats? | 0:18:48 | 0:18:50 | |
-Oh! -KLAXON BLARES | 0:18:50 | 0:18:54 | |
-Mean of me, wasn't it? -No, no, ask clear, well-defined questions! | 0:18:54 | 0:19:00 | |
-We just like to make you say things! -You can't buzz buzz me on chitchat! | 0:19:00 | 0:19:03 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
-No, it's not the northernmost part of Britain. -Is it not? | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
No, surprisingly. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:09 | |
It, sort of, advertises itself as such and it has a little hut. | 0:19:09 | 0:19:13 | |
There's the last house in Scotland, in John O'Groats. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:15 | |
There's one of those boys in callipers. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
I haven't seen one for years. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:19 | |
-A long time ago, I know. -There was one on the high street when I was a kid. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:23 | |
It used to be called the Spastic Society, it's now Scope, isn't it? | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
-You put a penny in and he was still there the next week. -LAUGHTER | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
Did you put the penny in to make him go away?! | 0:19:29 | 0:19:32 | |
-I thought it would get him better, poor lad. -Oh, bless! | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
Look at him, there, he's obviously on his holidays, isn't he? | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
I used to like those ones where you put the penny in | 0:19:38 | 0:19:40 | |
and it just rolled round and round, and round... | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
We had a guide dog, you put the penny in its head. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:45 | |
-We had a lifeboat one where you put the penny in and the lifeboat came out. -That's right! I like that. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:50 | |
There's a brilliant model of Queen Victoria's dog in Sydney, | 0:19:50 | 0:19:54 | |
outside the Queen Victoria building, | 0:19:54 | 0:19:55 | |
and it's like a, you know, you put in your donation, but it talks. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
So, it's a little, like, Highland terrier | 0:19:58 | 0:20:00 | |
and it says, in very beautiful newsreader tones, | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
"During my lifetime because of my good deeds, | 0:20:03 | 0:20:05 | |
"after my death I was granted the power of speech." LAUGHTER | 0:20:05 | 0:20:09 | |
Like this. And then it goes, | 0:20:09 | 0:20:11 | |
"If you put a coin in the box I will say thank you." | 0:20:11 | 0:20:15 | |
And then it pauses and then goes, "Thank you." LAUGHTER | 0:20:15 | 0:20:18 | |
"Woof." | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
That lad said nothing to me. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:24 | |
-Not a word! -Every week, I put something in his box. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
Which...? Do you put it in the box or is it his head? | 0:20:27 | 0:20:29 | |
It's got a slot in his box. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:31 | |
He might have two slots. Some of them would have two slots. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
-Two slots in the box, yeah. Women... No, stop it! -LAUGHTER | 0:20:33 | 0:20:37 | |
PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT CHIMES | 0:20:37 | 0:20:38 | |
-I never said that! -I resign! -Yes, quite right. Absolutely shameful. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:41 | |
-We've established this is not your area. -Yeah, exactly. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:44 | |
He looks, he looked a little bit like... | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
-It's like you're talking about Narnia or somewhere. -LAUGHTER | 0:20:46 | 0:20:49 | |
-It's a fantastical land you've only heard about. -Exactly. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:53 | |
"You make your way through the fur coats and suddenly...!" | 0:20:53 | 0:20:56 | |
-Whoa! -LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:20:56 | 0:20:59 | |
Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Dear, oh, dear! | 0:21:00 | 0:21:02 | |
Wielding a coin. A single coin. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:07 | |
For a while you have a magical time but then you meet an ice maiden. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
-Yes. It's all... Oh, dear God! -LAUGHTER | 0:21:10 | 0:21:13 | |
-Anyway, yes... -You're telling me there's somewhere further than John O'Groats? | 0:21:13 | 0:21:17 | |
There is indeed - Dunnet Head. That's the actual northernmost spot. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:20 | |
If you've got to John O'Groats and you haven't gone there... | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
You wouldn't cycle on there, would you? It's a bit bumpy! | 0:21:23 | 0:21:26 | |
It's rather beautiful, isn't it? | 0:21:26 | 0:21:29 | |
It's about 603 miles, as the crow flies, | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
but by road it's about 800 miles. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:34 | |
Cyclists could take 10 to 14 days doing it. | 0:21:34 | 0:21:37 | |
The record for running the route, what would you say, is...? | 0:21:37 | 0:21:41 | |
-Have a guess. -You couldn't do it in less than a week, could you? | 0:21:41 | 0:21:45 | |
No, no. It's nine days and two hours, which is pretty damn good going. | 0:21:45 | 0:21:49 | |
-I'll say! -In 2005, a golfer named David Sullivan | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
hit a golf ball all the way. Took him seven weeks. | 0:21:51 | 0:21:54 | |
I don't know what his score was. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
Be awful if he didn't fill his card correctly at the end. Disqualified. | 0:21:56 | 0:22:00 | |
-Was it a putter? -LAUGHTER | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
Did he mean to do it? Did he mean to do it? | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
Was he just trying to get it in... "Wait a minute!" | 0:22:06 | 0:22:08 | |
-Just playing it where it lies... -"Oh, I've lost it again!" | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
It would land in the back of a lorry going the other direction - | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
"Oh, Christ!" | 0:22:14 | 0:22:16 | |
I feel sorry for the bloke that was standing waiting for him | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
-holding the flag. -LAUGHTER | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
So, people have done it in all kinds of different ways. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
In 1911 there was a motorcycle record of 29 hours and 12 minutes, | 0:22:25 | 0:22:29 | |
which led to a ban on further attempts | 0:22:29 | 0:22:31 | |
because the time necessarily proved that they had been breaking the speed limit, which was 20mph. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:36 | |
Now, here's a bird you might see near John O'Groats. What is it? | 0:22:36 | 0:22:41 | |
-Well... -Gannet! | 0:22:41 | 0:22:42 | |
-Fulmar. -Not a gannet, it's not a falcon. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:45 | |
Is it the one puffin the Queen hasn't eaten? | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
It is a puffin, well done! | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
-It's a puffin? -It is a puffin. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:51 | |
Yes, we usually think of puffins as looking more like this, don't we? | 0:22:51 | 0:22:54 | |
-There, that's, exactly. Well... -Photoshop. Photoshop. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
-..when they've had sex... -It's a ninja puffin. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:00 | |
..and it's winter they don't need to look all bright like that, and so they go all dull. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:03 | |
But its beak is...? | 0:23:03 | 0:23:04 | |
-Well, I suppose its beak has shrunk enough... -It falls off. | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
-It falls off?! -Yes. -What?! | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
Yeah. I know. It's just there to attract a mate and then once... | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
-The dirty, dirty puffins! -LAUGHTER | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
Is it the equivalent of a woman losing her figure | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
after she's got married? LAUGHTER AND GROANING | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
-The minute the ring goes on, they just go to pieces. -Oh, now, behave! | 0:23:20 | 0:23:24 | |
To me, it looks more like a woman taking her padded bra off. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
-That's what it looks like. -Yes, I'm afraid there is... | 0:23:27 | 0:23:29 | |
She's just not making an effort any more, is she? | 0:23:29 | 0:23:32 | |
The eye, there, has just been stuck on? Is that...? | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
Yeah, again, it's a colour, there. It's all to, kind of... | 0:23:34 | 0:23:37 | |
-Just blind. I look great. -Brighter, sexy... | 0:23:37 | 0:23:40 | |
-"Oh, hello, it's worked!" -LAUGHTER | 0:23:40 | 0:23:43 | |
They rather sweetly pair for life, male and female puffins, | 0:23:43 | 0:23:45 | |
and they make one egg a year. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:47 | |
So once they've mated, they don't need to attract each other any more. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:49 | |
So, you know, for the winter season, when they're busy feeding | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
and then they just, sort of, put on their spring make-up... | 0:23:52 | 0:23:55 | |
"I remember when you cared about me!" | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
-Exactly. -"You used to have a pink beak!" -LAUGHTER | 0:23:57 | 0:24:00 | |
-But then it comes back? -Yes. -"You should put the eye make-up on!" -It comes back again. -It comes back?! | 0:24:00 | 0:24:05 | |
Yes, but they are lovely little creatures, aren't they? | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
Do you know what a baby puffin is called? | 0:24:08 | 0:24:09 | |
A puff. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:11 | |
STEPHEN CHUCKLES | 0:24:11 | 0:24:12 | |
-It's a puffling. Isn't that lovely? -ALL: -Ah! | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
-Exactly, ah! -That's like something out of Harry Potter. -They loved that! | 0:24:14 | 0:24:18 | |
Say it again, they loved it! | 0:24:18 | 0:24:21 | |
Puffling. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:22 | |
-ALL: -Ah! | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
How many people now have a new nickname for their partner? LAUGHTER | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
-Exactly. Puffling. -"For their partner," did you say? | 0:24:27 | 0:24:30 | |
-For a moment I thought you were going to say their penis. -LAUGHTER | 0:24:30 | 0:24:34 | |
-For some people, that is their partner. -Puffling. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:38 | |
Aren't they like those party hats you can get with a bit of elastic? | 0:24:38 | 0:24:43 | |
-Handy. -The one on the left, he looks like "whoa"! He could easily... | 0:24:43 | 0:24:46 | |
Honestly, a toucan could do great on that puffin island. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:50 | |
-Can you imagine? -He'd score big-time. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
-Oh, Nelly! -Oh-ho-ho-ho, yeah! | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
-"Hey, ladies, yeah." -Well, they spend the time... | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
-"From the tropics." -LAUGHTER | 0:24:57 | 0:25:00 | |
-"This doesn't fall off after." -LAUGHTER | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
"No, I'm keeping this. Yeah, I've still got the Guinness money." | 0:25:04 | 0:25:09 | |
-They are... -He'd be freezing cold, though, wouldn't he, after a while? | 0:25:09 | 0:25:12 | |
"Ahhh! How'd you do this up here?" | 0:25:12 | 0:25:15 | |
Would his beak gets smaller in the winter? | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
Are these just Arctic toucans? | 0:25:18 | 0:25:21 | |
Right, no, they're not, actually, they're a kind of auk, in fact. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:25 | |
Most of those, you'll find in the north Atlantic. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
These, indeed, John O'Groats would be a very good place to see them. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:30 | |
-Not Auckland? -Not Auckland, oddly enough. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:32 | |
That's spelt with a C, a little redundant C, A-U-C-K. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:34 | |
-Oh, of course it is. -Yeah. But out to sea, | 0:25:34 | 0:25:36 | |
they are pelagic and they have little backward, | 0:25:36 | 0:25:39 | |
sort of like barbed rows of things, | 0:25:39 | 0:25:41 | |
to, basically, to store fish in their mouth | 0:25:41 | 0:25:43 | |
but they are lovely, lovely creatures. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
Of course, the Catholic Church counted them as fish, so you could eat them on Fridays. Good. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:49 | |
So, for evolutionary reasons, puffins' beaks fall off after sex, | 0:25:49 | 0:25:52 | |
assuming you believe in evolution, that is. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:54 | |
Like that, what was the name of the naturalist on board the Beagle? | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
-Charles Darwin, you mean? -Oh! -Oh, drat! -KLAXON BLARES | 0:25:57 | 0:26:01 | |
This is a whole new tactic he's doing! | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
He wasn't the naturalist on board the Beagle. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:06 | |
There was an official naturalist on board the Beagle | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
and it wasn't Charles Darwin. He was the...? | 0:26:09 | 0:26:11 | |
-I don't care any more! -Oh, you're angry, I'm sorry. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:14 | |
-Phillip, I wish it hadn't happened to you. -He was the cook. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:17 | |
-He wasn't the cook, no. -He was the figurehead on the prow. STEPHEN LAUGHS | 0:26:17 | 0:26:20 | |
He wasn't that either! He was, in fact, the geologist. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:23 | |
-The geologist. -He took four times as many notes on geology | 0:26:23 | 0:26:26 | |
as he did on zoology, oddly enough. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:27 | |
It was the doctor, whose name was McCormick, | 0:26:27 | 0:26:30 | |
who was the official naturalist, | 0:26:30 | 0:26:31 | |
and he really resented Darwin being there. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:34 | |
It was for rather snobbish British 19th century reasons | 0:26:34 | 0:26:37 | |
that FitzRoy, whose voyage it was, wanted a gentleman companion | 0:26:37 | 0:26:39 | |
and Charles Darwin fitted the bill rather more than the doctor. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:43 | |
Was there an advert in The Telegraph? | 0:26:43 | 0:26:45 | |
"Wanted - puffling"? | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
-LAUGHTER -Yes, "to accompany on long voyage." | 0:26:47 | 0:26:50 | |
The doctor resented Darwin because he took his place at the captain's table, | 0:26:50 | 0:26:53 | |
and was treated as an equal. Fitzroy was an independently rich gentleman, | 0:26:53 | 0:26:57 | |
as they called him then. | 0:26:57 | 0:26:58 | |
Darwin writes in his diary, in fact, | 0:26:58 | 0:27:00 | |
"My friend the doctor is an ass, but we jog along very amicably. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:04 | |
"At present, he is in great tribulation | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
"whether his cabin should be painted French grey or dead white. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:09 | |
"I hear little, excepting this subject, from him." | 0:27:09 | 0:27:11 | |
So he was obviously a man to go, | 0:27:11 | 0:27:12 | |
"How shall I paint my cabin?" | 0:27:12 | 0:27:14 | |
That's all he ever talked about! | 0:27:14 | 0:27:16 | |
But Christmas Day in 1835, | 0:27:16 | 0:27:18 | |
there's the young Darwin before he grew that massive beard, | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
they went to Tierra del Fuego, the land of the fire, right down below South America, | 0:27:21 | 0:27:25 | |
and there, Darwin was very astonished to note what happened | 0:27:25 | 0:27:28 | |
when the local people had a famine. What they turned to eat. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:32 | |
Can you imagine what it is that they ate when times were difficult? | 0:27:32 | 0:27:36 | |
-Guinea pigs? -Penguins? | 0:27:36 | 0:27:37 | |
-Guinea pigs are eaten in South America commonly. -Just a snack! -That's... | 0:27:37 | 0:27:40 | |
-One another? -One another is right, | 0:27:40 | 0:27:42 | |
-but a particular type of person was chosen. -Elderly people. | 0:27:42 | 0:27:46 | |
And the particular type of...? | 0:27:46 | 0:27:47 | |
-Elderly women? -Elderly women is the answer. | 0:27:47 | 0:27:49 | |
The elderly women ran for the hills when there was any kind of famine | 0:27:49 | 0:27:52 | |
-because they were the ones... -"Mmm-mm! That's some good old lady!" -LAUGHTER | 0:27:52 | 0:27:58 | |
-"I've got the GILF cookbook!" -LAUGHTER AND GROANING | 0:27:58 | 0:28:02 | |
That's terrible! | 0:28:02 | 0:28:04 | |
That's just awful, Phillip Jupitus. | 0:28:04 | 0:28:06 | |
-Erm, but the reason being that... -"Their arms are so tender!" | 0:28:06 | 0:28:10 | |
Well, they explained to the crew of the Beagle that the reason was, | 0:28:10 | 0:28:13 | |
I'm afraid to say, that the old women were the least useful members of the tribe | 0:28:13 | 0:28:17 | |
because old men and children, and others could otter hunt | 0:28:17 | 0:28:20 | |
-but the old women couldn't hunt for otters. -What about the knitting?! | 0:28:20 | 0:28:23 | |
-I'm sorry? -What about the knitting and crochet? -Well, exactly. | 0:28:23 | 0:28:26 | |
-I know, exactly. -And who is going to teach you rummy? | 0:28:26 | 0:28:28 | |
-That's a very good point. Yes. -LAUGHTER | 0:28:28 | 0:28:31 | |
They can make dumplings. All these things, only old ladies can do. | 0:28:31 | 0:28:34 | |
How does their society evolve with nobody to say, "Oh, I know!" | 0:28:34 | 0:28:38 | |
-LAUGHTER -"Oh, I know!" | 0:28:38 | 0:28:42 | |
-The thing is, they'd still be able to make dumplings. -"Hello!" | 0:28:42 | 0:28:45 | |
-Completely devoid of that. -They could make dumplings out of them. | 0:28:45 | 0:28:48 | |
-Yes, exactly. -That's true. | 0:28:48 | 0:28:49 | |
Very, very good point. | 0:28:49 | 0:28:51 | |
There we are. That's one of the exciting things | 0:28:51 | 0:28:54 | |
that Charles Darwin, who was not the naturalist on the Beagle, discovered. | 0:28:54 | 0:28:57 | |
So we travel to a more exotic place where they had jackal-headed gods. | 0:28:57 | 0:29:02 | |
-Where would I be? -Egypt. -Ah! | 0:29:02 | 0:29:05 | |
KLAXON BLARES | 0:29:05 | 0:29:08 | |
"What, Egypt, you mean?" | 0:29:08 | 0:29:09 | |
-You didn't quite say that, did you? -Sorry, I didn't quite say... | 0:29:09 | 0:29:13 | |
"What, Egypt, you mean?" | 0:29:13 | 0:29:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:29:15 | 0:29:17 | |
Not Egypt, in fact. | 0:29:17 | 0:29:18 | |
Those have been known as jackal-headed gods. | 0:29:18 | 0:29:21 | |
-That particular God, extra points if you know that. -Anubis. -Well done! | 0:29:21 | 0:29:25 | |
Anubis is the right answer. | 0:29:25 | 0:29:26 | |
Anubis who was, do you know what the duty of Anubis was? | 0:29:26 | 0:29:29 | |
Something to do with death. | 0:29:29 | 0:29:31 | |
Didn't he guide you into the spirit world? | 0:29:31 | 0:29:33 | |
Another five points, I think, there. | 0:29:33 | 0:29:34 | |
There's a name for a god that guides you into the underworld, | 0:29:34 | 0:29:37 | |
like Mercury, who guided you as far as the River Styx, | 0:29:37 | 0:29:40 | |
and that's a psychopomp. | 0:29:40 | 0:29:42 | |
-That's a good word! -A psychopomp? -A psychopomp. | 0:29:42 | 0:29:45 | |
Sounds like something you'd find in a medical examination. | 0:29:45 | 0:29:48 | |
"I'm sorry, you've got psychopomps." | 0:29:48 | 0:29:50 | |
-"It may be benign, it may be malignant." -Yes, "We're going to have to operate." | 0:29:50 | 0:29:54 | |
A malignant psychopomp, you wouldn't want. | 0:29:54 | 0:29:56 | |
Erm, but, in fact, what has been discovered, | 0:29:56 | 0:29:58 | |
and this is, you won't find this on Egyptological websites | 0:29:58 | 0:30:01 | |
where they will continue to call Anubis and other Egyptian deities jackal-headed, | 0:30:01 | 0:30:05 | |
but the animals that existed at the time of ancient Egypt | 0:30:05 | 0:30:10 | |
were, we now know from DNA, wolves, not jackals. | 0:30:10 | 0:30:13 | |
So, from a zoological point of view, | 0:30:13 | 0:30:15 | |
if not from an Egyptological point of view, | 0:30:15 | 0:30:17 | |
they are in fact the wolf-headed, not jackal-headed. | 0:30:17 | 0:30:20 | |
You heard it here first. A very recent discovery. | 0:30:20 | 0:30:23 | |
So, that's exciting, isn't it? | 0:30:23 | 0:30:25 | |
But now we come to a very special part of the programme here. | 0:30:25 | 0:30:28 | |
In this series, we're occasionally featuring | 0:30:28 | 0:30:30 | |
theories which are interesting, | 0:30:30 | 0:30:31 | |
but which we don't necessarily believe, 100%, at least. | 0:30:31 | 0:30:34 | |
We call them Dubious Theories. | 0:30:34 | 0:30:37 | |
'A Dubious Theory from Stephen Fry.' | 0:30:37 | 0:30:40 | |
Yeah, thank you. Yes. | 0:30:40 | 0:30:43 | |
The years between 614 and 911 AD didn't exist. | 0:30:43 | 0:30:49 | |
The Holy Roman Emperor Otto III got his chroniclers to fake | 0:30:49 | 0:30:53 | |
nearly 300 years of history, | 0:30:53 | 0:30:55 | |
so there was no such person as Charlemagne, | 0:30:55 | 0:30:58 | |
and we're currently actually living in the year 1715 AD. | 0:30:58 | 0:31:03 | |
This is called the Phantom Time Hypothesis. | 0:31:03 | 0:31:06 | |
Is it dubious? Look it up on phantomschmantom.com | 0:31:06 | 0:31:09 | |
and decide for yourself. | 0:31:09 | 0:31:11 | |
That's like the earliest version of Wikipedia, then, isn't it? | 0:31:11 | 0:31:14 | |
Like someone's just gone in and changed the pages to make it... | 0:31:14 | 0:31:17 | |
Yeah. The theory is that this emperor wanted to be on the throne | 0:31:17 | 0:31:20 | |
in the year 1000 AD, but in fact it was only 700 AD, | 0:31:20 | 0:31:24 | |
so he basically got the chroniclers to pretend these 300 years existed. | 0:31:24 | 0:31:28 | |
It was one Heribert Illig who started this argument in 1990, | 0:31:28 | 0:31:31 | |
and his evidence is the apparent stagnation | 0:31:31 | 0:31:33 | |
in the development of architecture, ceramics and thought at this time. | 0:31:33 | 0:31:36 | |
It is, after all, the beginning of the age known as the Dark Ages. | 0:31:36 | 0:31:40 | |
And there's very little archaeological evidence | 0:31:40 | 0:31:42 | |
which can be reliably dated to this period. | 0:31:42 | 0:31:45 | |
There's a very limited number of written sources, which could be faked or just wrong. | 0:31:45 | 0:31:49 | |
I know it's just mad, but anyway, | 0:31:49 | 0:31:51 | |
there are a range of achievements that are given to Charlemagne | 0:31:51 | 0:31:54 | |
that make you think he must have been mythical rather than real. | 0:31:54 | 0:31:58 | |
His size, his warrior, his scholarship, | 0:31:58 | 0:32:00 | |
his inventions, his brilliance, and so on. | 0:32:00 | 0:32:02 | |
Anyway, it's worth looking up, and you can decide for yourself | 0:32:02 | 0:32:05 | |
whether or not it is true. | 0:32:05 | 0:32:07 | |
It's an amazing thought that this could be the year 1715. | 0:32:07 | 0:32:10 | |
-I'm all for it. -In which case, we'll have a Jacobite rebellion any minute. | 0:32:10 | 0:32:13 | |
-LAUGHTER -There you go. | 0:32:13 | 0:32:15 | |
There we are. So, as I say, look it up in phantomschmantom.com. | 0:32:15 | 0:32:20 | |
Now, name two interesting things you can do with a coconut in Hawaii. | 0:32:20 | 0:32:25 | |
Do you get different coconuts in Hawaii from other places? | 0:32:26 | 0:32:29 | |
It's a very touristy thing which is frowned upon | 0:32:29 | 0:32:32 | |
by the officials who do, nonetheless, do it. | 0:32:32 | 0:32:34 | |
Thousands and thousands of these are done every year. | 0:32:34 | 0:32:37 | |
Some kind of...you throw them from a moving vehicle? | 0:32:37 | 0:32:40 | |
You use it as a postcard. | 0:32:40 | 0:32:42 | |
Postcard. | 0:32:42 | 0:32:43 | |
Yeah, and you can see, there they are. | 0:32:43 | 0:32:45 | |
You buy them like that, and they will help you decorate it. | 0:32:45 | 0:32:48 | |
You can see the writing on one of them there. | 0:32:48 | 0:32:51 | |
"Just nuts about...", "See you some time..." | 0:32:51 | 0:32:53 | |
You put a stamp on. 10 dollars it costs, something like that, | 0:32:53 | 0:32:56 | |
to send it to the mainland of America. | 0:32:56 | 0:32:57 | |
It'd be annoying to get one of those. | 0:32:57 | 0:32:59 | |
-It really would, wouldn't it? -"Where's the coconut I sent you?" | 0:32:59 | 0:33:03 | |
-Where is it, then? -"Oh, well, there was a fire." | 0:33:03 | 0:33:05 | |
A fire that I threw it into! | 0:33:05 | 0:33:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:33:08 | 0:33:09 | |
A bit of rationality, and I threw it in a bin. | 0:33:09 | 0:33:12 | |
I had a friend who was nearly killed by a coconut. I've known him for 20 years, | 0:33:12 | 0:33:15 | |
and I was furious with him, | 0:33:15 | 0:33:16 | |
because he only told me a couple of months ago, | 0:33:16 | 0:33:19 | |
and if I had nearly been killed by a coconut, | 0:33:19 | 0:33:21 | |
-I would be... -Everyone would know about it. | 0:33:21 | 0:33:23 | |
Every conversation. "Hello, I'm Cal. I survived a coconut." | 0:33:23 | 0:33:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:33:25 | 0:33:27 | |
But he said he was just standing on a beach, | 0:33:27 | 0:33:29 | |
and a coconut fell from a tree, and he said it was such a good shot - | 0:33:29 | 0:33:31 | |
it hit him directly on the head - | 0:33:31 | 0:33:33 | |
such a good shot, he could hear other coconuts high-fiving each other. | 0:33:33 | 0:33:36 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:33:36 | 0:33:38 | |
Other things you can do with a coconut, | 0:33:38 | 0:33:41 | |
not necessarily in Hawaii... | 0:33:41 | 0:33:42 | |
-Get the coconut milk out. -Well, yes, the water, the milk. | 0:33:42 | 0:33:45 | |
You can use it as a rehydration drip, which they did | 0:33:45 | 0:33:48 | |
during World War II, both the Japanese and Americans, | 0:33:48 | 0:33:50 | |
cos it's sterile, but it's perfectly serviceable | 0:33:50 | 0:33:53 | |
for rehydration to use it as a drip. | 0:33:53 | 0:33:55 | |
Have a little coconut into you, dripping into you. | 0:33:55 | 0:33:58 | |
The other thing to do, | 0:33:58 | 0:33:59 | |
if you have a tooth knocked out, immersion in coconut water will keep it viable | 0:33:59 | 0:34:03 | |
for reinsertion better than milk. | 0:34:03 | 0:34:05 | |
So there you are. | 0:34:05 | 0:34:06 | |
Little things you can do with coconuts. | 0:34:06 | 0:34:08 | |
Now, why did JFK keep a coconut on his desk? | 0:34:08 | 0:34:11 | |
And there he did, you can see. | 0:34:11 | 0:34:12 | |
-No question about it. -Was he missing a tooth? | 0:34:12 | 0:34:15 | |
No, that wasn't it. | 0:34:15 | 0:34:18 | |
-Was it a recording device of some sort? A CIA nut? -No, it isn't. | 0:34:18 | 0:34:21 | |
-No, it isn't. -Postcard from a friend? | 0:34:21 | 0:34:24 | |
It's not a postcard from a friend. It's a rather important memento. | 0:34:24 | 0:34:27 | |
Amongst JFK's achievements, obviously he was a youngish and... | 0:34:27 | 0:34:30 | |
-He was on a torpedo boat in the war. -A torpedo boat, PT109, yeah. | 0:34:30 | 0:34:34 | |
-Famously, he was heroic. -Is it from then? -Yes. | 0:34:34 | 0:34:36 | |
His torpedo boat was sunk by the enemy, | 0:34:36 | 0:34:39 | |
and he found himself stranded on the Solomon Islands, | 0:34:39 | 0:34:41 | |
completely isolated, and there were local islanders. | 0:34:41 | 0:34:44 | |
He had no pen or paper, so he carved onto a coconut, | 0:34:44 | 0:34:48 | |
which he gave to some of the local native islanders, | 0:34:48 | 0:34:52 | |
and asked them to take it to the capital, Rendova, and he carved on it, | 0:34:52 | 0:34:56 | |
"Nauro Island. Commander. Native knows position. | 0:34:56 | 0:34:59 | |
"He can pilot. 11 alive. Need small boat. Kennedy." | 0:34:59 | 0:35:02 | |
The natives took it, and eventually he was rescued. | 0:35:02 | 0:35:04 | |
"Hurry up and pick us up. We are eating the old women here." | 0:35:04 | 0:35:08 | |
LAUGHTER So it was a postcard? | 0:35:08 | 0:35:10 | |
It was indeed! You're kind of right. | 0:35:10 | 0:35:13 | |
He started the whole fashion, and of course, they gave it back to him | 0:35:13 | 0:35:16 | |
as a memento and he kept it on his desk. | 0:35:16 | 0:35:18 | |
Didn't bring him much luck, but... | 0:35:18 | 0:35:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:35:20 | 0:35:24 | |
-Bit dark! -Sorry. | 0:35:24 | 0:35:25 | |
Sorry! That's awful. | 0:35:25 | 0:35:27 | |
I can remember it. You're too old. I mean...hang on. | 0:35:27 | 0:35:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:35:30 | 0:35:32 | |
I think I may actually be getting dementia. | 0:35:32 | 0:35:35 | |
Can you really remember it? | 0:35:35 | 0:35:37 | |
-Yes, I can. -"I was standing on a grassy knoll with a rifle..." | 0:35:37 | 0:35:41 | |
And a voice told me... | 0:35:41 | 0:35:43 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:35:43 | 0:35:46 | |
Yeah. I was six years old, I think. | 0:35:46 | 0:35:49 | |
-Something like that. -I can remember Ronald Reagan being shot, | 0:35:49 | 0:35:52 | |
and my dad was in the kitchen, | 0:35:52 | 0:35:53 | |
and I said "Reagan's been shot." | 0:35:53 | 0:35:55 | |
-And he went, "Oh." -LAUGHTER | 0:35:55 | 0:35:58 | |
That's a bit blase! | 0:35:58 | 0:36:00 | |
And he thought I meant Regan in The Sweeney. | 0:36:00 | 0:36:04 | |
-Oh! -LAUGHTER | 0:36:04 | 0:36:07 | |
In 1981, they had this premiere of a British movie, Chariots Of Fire. | 0:36:07 | 0:36:11 | |
And they asked our comedy troupe, me and Hugh and Emma and Tony Slattery, | 0:36:11 | 0:36:14 | |
if we would perform a little cabaret | 0:36:14 | 0:36:16 | |
at the Dorchester Hotel after the premiere. | 0:36:16 | 0:36:19 | |
And I'd spoken to my mother. I'd said to her, | 0:36:19 | 0:36:21 | |
"I'm very excited. We're going to the Dorchester." She said, | 0:36:21 | 0:36:24 | |
"Do you know, the last time I went to the Dorchester, | 0:36:24 | 0:36:26 | |
"it all broke up very early because it was the night Kennedy got shot." | 0:36:26 | 0:36:29 | |
In 1962. I said, "Oh, gosh, blimey." | 0:36:29 | 0:36:31 | |
Anyway, so I'm doing the sketch with Emma, and suddenly | 0:36:31 | 0:36:34 | |
-we notice the audience going, -HE MUTTERS | 0:36:34 | 0:36:36 | |
and everyone's disappeared, all these executives from Fox | 0:36:36 | 0:36:39 | |
and everything. And Reagan had been shot. | 0:36:39 | 0:36:41 | |
So I rang my mother up and said, | 0:36:41 | 0:36:44 | |
"What happened?" She said, | 0:36:44 | 0:36:45 | |
"No member of this family is ever allowed to go to the Dorchester again. | 0:36:45 | 0:36:49 | |
"It's not safe for Western democracy." | 0:36:49 | 0:36:51 | |
Which is why, during W Bush's administration, | 0:36:51 | 0:36:54 | |
Stephen dined there on a daily basis! | 0:36:54 | 0:36:56 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:36:56 | 0:37:00 | |
-Anyway... -"Waiter, any news?" | 0:37:02 | 0:37:06 | |
-LAUGHTER -Dear me. Still. | 0:37:06 | 0:37:08 | |
Which travel organisation includes a mandatory fee | 0:37:08 | 0:37:12 | |
for the repatriation of your corpse? | 0:37:12 | 0:37:14 | |
Er, the AA? Thomas Cook? | 0:37:14 | 0:37:16 | |
No, this is a very particular event that you can subscribe to, | 0:37:16 | 0:37:20 | |
which, er, they sort out your travel | 0:37:20 | 0:37:23 | |
and your participation in this event, | 0:37:23 | 0:37:26 | |
but included in it is a fee for the repatriation of your corpse. | 0:37:26 | 0:37:29 | |
It's not expected you'll die, but there is a chance. | 0:37:29 | 0:37:31 | |
It's not running the bulls at Pamplona, is it? | 0:37:31 | 0:37:34 | |
No, not the bulls at Pamplona. | 0:37:34 | 0:37:35 | |
-I was going to say dining with you at the Dorchester! -That might do it. | 0:37:35 | 0:37:39 | |
-It's not one of these Ironman races, is it? -It's that sort of thing. | 0:37:39 | 0:37:42 | |
It's an incredibly difficult marathon. | 0:37:42 | 0:37:44 | |
It's called the Marathon des Sables, | 0:37:44 | 0:37:47 | |
-which your French will tell you means...? -Marathon of the sable. | 0:37:47 | 0:37:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:37:50 | 0:37:52 | |
These little black furry creatures... Yes. | 0:37:52 | 0:37:54 | |
-Sand is sable in French. -Oh, sable. Sorry, sorry. | 0:37:54 | 0:37:59 | |
It's the Marathon of the Sands, | 0:37:59 | 0:38:01 | |
and it's an extraordinarily enduring and gruelling event | 0:38:01 | 0:38:04 | |
in which you have to carry your own food, although there are water stops, | 0:38:04 | 0:38:07 | |
and it's a six-day... Each day you run a marathon in the Sahara Desert. | 0:38:07 | 0:38:11 | |
People are very weird, aren't they? | 0:38:11 | 0:38:12 | |
I have a friend who does it and she's done it twice, which is extraordinary. | 0:38:12 | 0:38:16 | |
Did she have to go back because she had forgotten something? | 0:38:16 | 0:38:19 | |
-On two separate years! -They'd better not tell Izzard about it. | 0:38:19 | 0:38:22 | |
-AS EDDIE IZZARD: -"Really? Er... OK!" | 0:38:22 | 0:38:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:38:25 | 0:38:27 | |
"How many? How many do they do? OK." | 0:38:27 | 0:38:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:38:30 | 0:38:31 | |
"Er, I'm going to do 120 Desert marathons a week, for a year." | 0:38:31 | 0:38:37 | |
-LAUGHTER -"Yes, true story." | 0:38:37 | 0:38:39 | |
Very good Eddie, I have to say! | 0:38:39 | 0:38:42 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:38:42 | 0:38:44 | |
I'm going to the pub every night for 27 years. | 0:38:45 | 0:38:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:38:50 | 0:38:52 | |
In tribute to Nelson Mandela. | 0:38:52 | 0:38:55 | |
Consider the case of Mauro Prosperi, | 0:38:55 | 0:38:58 | |
who was a very experienced runner, an Italian policeman, in fact, | 0:38:58 | 0:39:01 | |
who, in 1994, was doing the Marathon des Sables and there was a sandstorm, | 0:39:01 | 0:39:04 | |
and he disobeyed the official instructions | 0:39:04 | 0:39:06 | |
that if you are in a sandstorm, you hunker down | 0:39:06 | 0:39:09 | |
and wait till it passes. | 0:39:09 | 0:39:10 | |
I guess he wanted to win, so he carried on running and got lost. | 0:39:10 | 0:39:13 | |
And this is a bad thing in the Sahara, as I'm sure you can imagine. | 0:39:13 | 0:39:16 | |
By the second day he was drinking his urine, naturally. | 0:39:16 | 0:39:19 | |
On the third he found an abandoned shrine, | 0:39:19 | 0:39:20 | |
managed to kill a couple of bats, whose blood he drank. | 0:39:20 | 0:39:24 | |
He then decided to kill himself with the penknife, but he was so dehydrated, the blood didn't flow. | 0:39:24 | 0:39:28 | |
He was rather encouraged to wake up the next morning, | 0:39:28 | 0:39:30 | |
and so he ran for the next five days, drinking urine and dew, | 0:39:30 | 0:39:35 | |
and eating the occasional lizard that he found and managed to kill on the way. | 0:39:35 | 0:39:38 | |
After nine days, he encountered some nomads who got him back to safety. | 0:39:38 | 0:39:42 | |
He'd lost three stone and was 130 miles off course in Algeria. | 0:39:42 | 0:39:47 | |
-LAUGHTER -So, and then he did it again for six years. | 0:39:47 | 0:39:51 | |
He went back and did it again. Amazing. | 0:39:51 | 0:39:54 | |
I mean, bizarre, but there you go. Sheesh! | 0:39:54 | 0:39:57 | |
-No-one gives the nomads much credit in that story, do they? -No, quite! | 0:39:57 | 0:40:02 | |
"He was out there for nine days". "Oh, my whole life!" | 0:40:02 | 0:40:05 | |
Yeah, exactly. | 0:40:05 | 0:40:07 | |
-PHILL LAUGHS -"He walked for six days." | 0:40:07 | 0:40:09 | |
"Oh, get over yourself!" | 0:40:09 | 0:40:12 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:40:12 | 0:40:13 | |
I was doing that when I was three. | 0:40:13 | 0:40:15 | |
-"Drinking your own piss? Luxury." -LAUGHTER | 0:40:15 | 0:40:20 | |
But his description of it is really a very good ode to life, isn't it? | 0:40:22 | 0:40:25 | |
He said, "I didn't panic, I just despaired." | 0:40:25 | 0:40:28 | |
There you are. | 0:40:28 | 0:40:29 | |
Anyway, what did Napoleon say to Josephine | 0:40:29 | 0:40:32 | |
-on his way back from a journey? -Ah, I sense a trap! | 0:40:32 | 0:40:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:40:35 | 0:40:37 | |
The only thing I know about Napoleon to Josephine was he said, | 0:40:37 | 0:40:41 | |
-what was it? Rob, what was it? -LAUGHTER | 0:40:41 | 0:40:45 | |
Phill? | 0:40:47 | 0:40:48 | |
-LAUGHTER -Cal? | 0:40:48 | 0:40:50 | |
I'm, I'm going to do it! "I'm coming back, don't wash!" | 0:40:50 | 0:40:54 | |
-Oh! -KLAXON BLARES | 0:40:54 | 0:40:57 | |
No, that is one of the two things that people know that Napoleon said. | 0:40:57 | 0:41:01 | |
"Yeah, I shall be home soon, don't wash." Cos he liked them dirty! | 0:41:01 | 0:41:04 | |
There is no evidence of that whatsoever. | 0:41:04 | 0:41:06 | |
The earliest place this quotation can be sourced is 1981. | 0:41:06 | 0:41:09 | |
I only know the other one. | 0:41:09 | 0:41:11 | |
The other one, which might be...? What? | 0:41:11 | 0:41:14 | |
It's the one... Rob? | 0:41:14 | 0:41:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:41:15 | 0:41:16 | |
Phill, you know it. | 0:41:16 | 0:41:18 | |
-Cal, it's... Really? -I'm still stuck on the no washing. | 0:41:18 | 0:41:21 | |
-"Pas ce soir, Josephine." -Oh! -Ah, got away with it! | 0:41:21 | 0:41:24 | |
Josephine, on the right, there, she's got the same black eyes | 0:41:24 | 0:41:28 | |
that all the people in my pictures have got on my computer | 0:41:28 | 0:41:31 | |
when I try and get rid of the red eye. | 0:41:31 | 0:41:33 | |
They end up with massive black dots | 0:41:33 | 0:41:36 | |
and they look like something from a zombie film. | 0:41:36 | 0:41:40 | |
I'm sorry you fell into our trap, | 0:41:40 | 0:41:41 | |
but you managed to avoid the trap of, "Not tonight, Josephine," | 0:41:41 | 0:41:44 | |
which is the other thing he was supposed to have said. | 0:41:44 | 0:41:47 | |
That appears in a play, WG Wills play called The Royal Divorce, which didn't come out until 1891, | 0:41:47 | 0:41:51 | |
some 70 years after the death of the Emperor. | 0:41:51 | 0:41:55 | |
-"An army marches on its stomach." -Yes, well, indeed, yes. | 0:41:55 | 0:41:59 | |
-Did he say that? -Unlikely to have said that to Josephine, | 0:41:59 | 0:42:03 | |
-but he might have done. -LAUGHTER | 0:42:03 | 0:42:05 | |
I think he meant it more as a, sort of, you know, point about logistics. | 0:42:05 | 0:42:08 | |
Maybe he discussed all sorts of battle stuff? | 0:42:08 | 0:42:11 | |
He might have done. | 0:42:11 | 0:42:12 | |
He said, "I prefer a lucky general to a skilled one," as well. | 0:42:12 | 0:42:15 | |
We don't know anything particular that Josephine and Napoleon might have said to each other | 0:42:15 | 0:42:19 | |
but we do know one thing - "Journeys end in lovers meeting," | 0:42:19 | 0:42:24 | |
-that's Shakespeare... -LAUGHTER | 0:42:24 | 0:42:27 | |
..and in fourth place. | 0:42:27 | 0:42:28 | |
PHILL LAUGHS | 0:42:28 | 0:42:31 | |
In fourth place, we have, I'm sorry to say | 0:42:31 | 0:42:33 | |
but he did fall into some of our honeytraps rather cumbrously, | 0:42:33 | 0:42:38 | |
Phill Jupitus with minus 16! | 0:42:38 | 0:42:40 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:42:40 | 0:42:41 | |
And... | 0:42:44 | 0:42:46 | |
our little kiwi fruit is third with minus eight! | 0:42:46 | 0:42:49 | |
Cal Wilson! | 0:42:49 | 0:42:51 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:42:51 | 0:42:53 | |
But hold the front page... | 0:42:55 | 0:42:58 | |
second, with minus three, Rob Brydon! | 0:42:58 | 0:43:00 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:43:00 | 0:43:02 | |
With an astonishing plus four, Alan Davies is the winner! | 0:43:06 | 0:43:11 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:43:11 | 0:43:12 | |
So, that's all from Rob, Phill, Cal, Alan and me. | 0:43:19 | 0:43:23 | |
The last word on journeys comes from Erma Bombeck, who said, | 0:43:23 | 0:43:26 | |
"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic | 0:43:26 | 0:43:30 | |
"who waved away the dessert cart." | 0:43:30 | 0:43:32 | |
Have a safe trip. Good night. | 0:43:32 | 0:43:34 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:43:34 | 0:43:37 |