Keeps QI XL


Keeps

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Goooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening

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and welcome to QI, where tonight we are playing for Keeps.

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Keeping his eye on the ball, Jason Manford.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Keeping her ear to the ground, Sarah Millican.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Keeping his nose to the grindstone, Bill Bailey.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And keeping his pecker up, in spite of everything, Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And I'll be keeping the peace, everything on track and the score.

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So, jeepers creepers, let's hear your peepers.

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Jason goes...

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# Keep on movin'... #

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Sarah goes...

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# Keep on runnin'

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# Keep on hidin'... #

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Bill goes...

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# Keep on rockin'

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# Keep on rockin'... #

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-Nice. Nice.

-And Alan goes...

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# We'll keep a welcome in the hillsides... #

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Nice.

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The voice of your forefathers there, the ancestors, isn't it,

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"keeping a welcome in the hillside," isn't it?

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So, before we start...

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-Were they Pakistanis?

-Stop it, stop it. Stop it right now.

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I'm going to lay down the law.

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Like Teacher's first day at school -

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he's strict, just so that people are afraid of him.

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Yes.

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Authority has got to be laid down. I'm not going to have... Right.

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Yes. How's that going?

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Oh, Sir's trying to get all 'umpty...

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-Yes.

-..before we start.

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-WELSH ACCENT:

-Mocking my Welsh accent.

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That wasn't even Northern Europe.

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SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: It was from Cape Town.

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A welcome to the valleys in Cardiff.

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It was my acc-ccent. You stop halfway through, isn't it?

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"Isn't it?" Yes.

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You've gone all street now.

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"I stop halfway through, innit? Yeah, it's like that."

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-Right, OK. All right.

-"Stephen Fry, yeah. QI, that's it."

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Anyway, an easy K series question to start us going.

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I still think in pounds and ounces,

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but what unit does modern science use to measure weight?

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Kilograms?

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ALARM BLARES

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-GROANING

-Oh, come on!

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-There you go.

-First word!

-First word!

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Kilograms, no. What does "kilogram" weigh?

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2.2 pounds.

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What does it measure, I meant to say?

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-What does the kilogram measure?

-Weight.

-Weight.

-No.

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-Water.

-Kilograms.

-It measures water.

-Water.

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-No.

-Grams.

-Rucksacks.

-No?

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There are a thousand grams in a kilogram,

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but what is it actually measuring?

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-What...?

-In my case, a crying lady.

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LAUGHTER

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What quantity - what aspect of a thing or an object does it measure?

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Hatred. Hatred and vileness.

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Bile. Bile.

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Sarcasm. I don't know.

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-No.

-Perversion.

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No.

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-Mass.

-Valium.

-Mass! It's mass.

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-How many points does he get for that?

-A few.

-Oh, right.

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Yeah. You, I'm afraid, get taken away a few.

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-I don't mind.

-You're in minus already.

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But you can get your points back if you can tell me what weight is measured in.

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So this is the time I shouldn't say kilograms again?

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-Yeah, it doesn't begin with K.

-OK.

-No.

-No.

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-Anyone in the audience?

-What?

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-AUDIENCE MEMBERS:

-Newtons.

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They're good. Our audience is better than the average, let's be honest.

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-Newtons is the answer.

-Newtons.

-I was going to say that!

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-You were going to say it?

-Say it now, edit. Say it now.

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# Keep on rockin'. #

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Newtons.

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-CHEERING

-By the time you said it, they're "old-tons", I'm afraid.

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Oh, yeah, I see what you did there.

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No, the weight is the force resulting from gravity of mass,

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and that is how it acts on the earth, is as weight.

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-And, of course, it varies according to the amount of gravity.

-That's right.

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-Which is why it's not a constant. Which is why...

-It varies.

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If you're in a lift, even, you weigh slightly less.

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It sounds weird, but it's slightly less when you're dropping,

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and slightly more when you're going up.

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If you stood on scales, if you were using them for weight...

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On the scales in my bathroom, they...

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God bless 'em, workhorses that they are,

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they, um...

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when the batteries start going,

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because it's only got three digits,

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it says...it starts the word "error", so it says "E-R-R".

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But then when you get on it, it just goes, "err".

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"Eeerrrrr!"

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It's like them not really wanting to tell you.

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How much do I weigh? "Err, well...

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"Do you really want to hear this?"

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Then they say, "How much do you usually weigh?"

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I don't have bathroom scales, I've just got kitchen scales.

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Well, you could try the...

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But I have measured bits of me on them.

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Let me guess which bits. Really?

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-The left one's heavier.

-Is it?

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-By how much?

-Some Newtons.

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Very good. Very good.

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What is the bear... The bear's not happy about this, really, is he?

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Being weighed in a sack.

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It's like some sort of Arctic WeightWatchers.

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-That's why he's not happy.

-The fattest bear.

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"I can't believe I've used three points this week already!"

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The bear's going, "It's just me glands, me glands!"

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"I'm big boned!"

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"I'm a bear, come on!"

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-SARAH:

-"Let me take my earrings out."

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The kilogram is the only metric measure

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that still relies on a physical object,

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which is called the international prototype kilogram.

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And where do you think it's kept?

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Is it kept in the National Physics Laboratory?

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The National Physical Laboratory. No, it isn't.

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-The Queen. The Queen has it?

-There is a replica of it in the National Physical Laboratory.

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-Here is...

-Geneva. Everything's in Geneva.

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There you go.

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Do we have Ian Robinson from the National Physical Laboratory?

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He's raising his hand. Hello. This belongs to you, yes?

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IAN: It belongs to NPL, yes.

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And this is a replica of the original IPK, yeah?

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It's the same size,

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but it weighs 400g, rather than a kilogram.

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-Weighs or has mass of...?

-Its mass is 400g.

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Don't make me a liar.

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And this is what's inside the case.

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It's so incredibly susceptible

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to either adding weight to it or taking weight away -

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the acidity of the fingers, the addition of dust -

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the original is...

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Well, where did the metric system originate?

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POSH ACCENT: Builth Wells.

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-I don't know, France.

-France. You do know, you see?

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-Of course, of course, yes.

-Of course you know.

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-It's actually outside Paris - near Sevres, where porcelain comes from.

-Yes.

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It's made out of platinum iridium.

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And they're worried that

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it's put on the weight of a small grain of sand

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over the period since it was first made, in 1879.

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So they're going to change... they're going to change -

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next year, possibly, or 2014 -

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to using Planck's universal quantum constant

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instead of the physical one.

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Thank God for that. Phew!

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Then they won't have to worry about bits of dust.

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-What a worry as well, yeah.

-Yeah, what a worry.

-What a worry.

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Thank you, Ian Robinson and the National Physical Laboratory.

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-Yeah, thank you very much.

-Thank you for your time.

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Is there different parts of the world, though, you could go and weigh more or less?

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-If you went to areas of great...

-Yes, on the equator, you...

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America. We'd all weigh less there, wouldn't we?

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That's a comparative scale.

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Yeah. And light - how much does light weigh?

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And does sound weigh more than light?

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You've got a bit of sound there and a bit of light,

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you wouldn't...do that?

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No.

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That's a bit suggestive, really, isn't it?

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Can you get in the bed before you put the light out?

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-Ah, that's true, isn't it? Yeah.

-Yes.

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Turn the light switch off and then get into bed before it went dark.

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-Difficult, but it can be done.

-It can, yeah.

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Didn't Muhammad Ali say that? Didn't he?

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He said he was so fast, he could get into bed before the light went off.

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Yeah, and someone said, "Just get a bedside light."

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-Yeah, exactly.

-Or just one of those ones.

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-Do it at the same time.

-Oh, one of those.

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Then you can clap when you're in bed, and who doesn't like that?

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Ah, yes, but that's very interesting, then, because then the sound...

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-You've just turned the camera off.

-What's that?

-You've just turned the camera off.

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Could you do two? Could you do two now?

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-Thank you.

-Oh, sorry.

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We use the same system. We didn't expect anybody to clap.

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What just happened?

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You turned the camera off by clapping.

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-Just the whole universe, just..."nyoooom".

-Yeah.

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-Nyooom!

-Yeah, you're back again now.

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That's it. Don't clap, though.

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Wwwwwhat would happen...?

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If?

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No, I was just saying... It was rhetorical.

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-Oh, I see.

-I was just saying...

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-What would happen...?

-There's a question.

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"What would happen, Stephen? Discuss."

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-Yes. "Let's see whose house it is."

-"..it is."

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Now, we were talking about bits and bytes.

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What is a kilobyte, in fact? How many bytes in a kilobyte?

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-1,000.

-100,000.

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-10,000.

-100,000. 1,000,000.

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No, no, that's a gig...

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-9.

-9!

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-I just like to be different.

-42.

-Anyone in the audience?

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-MAN IN AUDIENCE:

-1,024.

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-ALARM BLARES

-Oh, the audience gets a big penalty.

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GUFFAWS

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Unfortunately... Unfortunately, our team...

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In your face!

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..our team isn't intelligent enough to know the wrong answer.

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You thought it was 2 to the 10, which is 1,024.

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But actually, according to the International Electrotechnical Commission,

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it is now 1,000, as you said, is the right answer.

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It's 1,000 bytes, and the...

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-So I beat all those people, then?

-You did, by sheer fluke.

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But didn't you say "10, 100, 1,000"? You just...

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Yeah, yeah, but I started with a 1,000.

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-You did cover quite a lot of bases. You did start with 1,000.

-Yeah.

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There is a new word for 1,024, which is a "kibibyte", which is rather pathetic.

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-Oh, come on.

-I know.

-They're just being silly now, aren't they?

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But it's IEC standard 6027-2. There you go.

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I'm sorry about that. It's not my fault.

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-No, I'm not blaming you, Stephen, it's just...

-I know.

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Now then - finders keepers, losers weepers, right?

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-That's the rules.

-Yes, it is.

-Yes?

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ALARM BLARES

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Oh, what?! What? Hey, you tricked me!

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You could have said no.

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You... That's...that's a dirty trick, Fry!

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You've done this programme long enough to know that dirty tricks are us.

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Stephen, I didn't think that even you would stoop...

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-Stoop.

-..so low.

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-Well, I did.

-How dare you?

-It doesn't work in law.

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If you find lost property

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and don't make reasonable steps

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to discover the person to whom it belongs,

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then that's the crime of theft by finding.

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So just...how does this apply to...?

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If you're in the supermarket, right, and you put some fresh herbs in,

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and you're walking round, "da da-da,"

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all oblivious, thinking no-one's going to mess with your head.

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And then before you get to the checkout,

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someone's nicked the herbs out of your trolley

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and you go back and then there's none left.

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-That's a dirty trick, isn't it?

-It is a dirty trick.

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-Did this happen today?

-That's just immoral bad citizenship.

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But it's not technically theft, though.

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No, that's not theft. It's bad citizenship.

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-They weren't yours until you'd paid for them.

-No. They were morally mine.

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If they took them after you'd paid... They were morally yours.

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-I'd agree with you.

-How urgent were the herbs?

-Well, they're...

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Look, there was a chilli con carne that was ruined because of that.

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Garnish at least.

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If you decked that lady, I don't blame you.

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-Yes, I imagine, yeah...

-If you smashed her round the gizzard.

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Yeah, smacked her round the head with a tin of tomatoes.

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"Don't do it again!"

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-She's learnt her lesson.

-Yeah, that's right.

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So, I mean, if you... Technically, with that rule,

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is if someone's done their full shop

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and then right at the end, they've just wandered off for a tin of something,

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you could go, "Right, I'll have that lot, then."

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-That's brilliant.

-That would be so immoral.

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You've sort of stolen their time there.

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So you just follow somebody round the shop

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who looks like they might like what you like, and then...

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This is a wholly different question. I never asked this.

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Bill raised it. It's got nothing to do with the question.

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-It's a very important point.

-It's an interesting ethical issue.

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I'm applying the ancient law to the modern-day context.

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If you find something on the bus, or on the street...

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Yeah, or if, for example, you're a dry cleaner

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and you find a £20 note in a pair of trousers

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that's taken in, you don't think, "Oh, I can keep that."

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That definitely is theft because you know whose trousers they are.

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-Exactly.

-But, like, on the bus or something...

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Also, if you found a lottery ticket on the floor

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and it was a winning number and you cashed it in

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and it wasn't yours, you would be committing a crime.

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-You wouldn't care, though.

-Yes, you would - it'd be taken away from you.

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-Because you'd be a millionaire.

-You wouldn't be paid.

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-You wouldn't get the money. You'd go to court.

-How, though? How would they know?

0:12:270:12:31

Because of the number and the time it was bought and the shop it was bought from.

0:12:310:12:34

-CCTV.

-Oh, shit!

-So, yeah.

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In 2009, a Wilshire couple got an 11-month suspended sentence

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for doing exactly that - they cashed a winning lottery ticket.

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Even more, in 2003, a Coventry family

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made repeated visits to a faulty cash machine

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and withdrew £134,410.

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-Wow!

-Three of them were imprisoned.

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I used to work in a cinema

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and anything that was found on the floor in the screens,

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sort of depending on what it was...

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So if it was an umbrella, it would go in lost property.

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If it was a pound coin,

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it would just... the guy, whoever would just...

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-Conveniently disappear.

-Exactly, yeah.

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But there was one time that a pair of used pants were found.

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And they didn't really...

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They sort of took them out on a stick

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and they didn't really know what to do with them.

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And then two weeks later, they got a letter from a man saying,

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"I was in the 11:20 showing of Titanic

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"in Screen 6 on the 23rd of February

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"and I appear to have left my pants.

0:13:290:13:32

"Could you return them to me in the Jiffy bag provided?"

0:13:330:13:37

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, I don't know.

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I don't think I'd have put them in a Jiffy.

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If they were used pants,

0:13:420:13:43

they would have gone in one of those things they put nuclear waste in, you know?

0:13:430:13:47

-I think you're right.

-A lead-lined casket.

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Ugh.

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Well, it is true that

0:13:500:13:52

if you haven't made reasonable attempts to find something,

0:13:520:13:54

well, we know that it's morally wrong...

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-It behoves you to do the right thing.

-Yeah. We hope you will.

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But if property is deliberately abandoned, you can keep it.

0:13:590:14:02

Archaeological finds,

0:14:020:14:03

90% of them are from amateurs with metal detectors.

0:14:030:14:06

And famous metal detectors include Bill Wyman,

0:14:060:14:09

who I think has his own brand of metal detector, called Bill Wyman.

0:14:090:14:12

Which you can use for your metal detecting!

0:14:120:14:15

Things really picked up for him after he left the Stones!

0:14:150:14:17

But in 2009, a man called David Booth discovered four Iron Age

0:14:190:14:24

-gold neck bands worth £1 million.

-Good God!

0:14:240:14:27

What's extraordinary about it is it was the first time

0:14:270:14:29

-he'd ever used a metal detector.

-SARAH GASPS

0:14:290:14:31

He found it seven paces from where he'd parked his car.

0:14:310:14:34

-Like, all the other detectors are really annoyed!

-Yeah.

0:14:360:14:40

-He's been shunned from the fan club.

-Oh, absolutely.

0:14:400:14:43

If you do it without permission and/or at night,

0:14:430:14:45

-you're known as a nighthawk and you're looked down on.

-Yeah.

0:14:450:14:49

Because during the day, it's fine, but at night, you look a bit weird.

0:14:490:14:52

I mean, that guy's on...you know, on holiday as well.

0:14:540:14:57

Look at the background.

0:14:570:14:59

His wife's on a towel over there, just going, "You dick."

0:14:590:15:03

"Leave it alone, Frank, leave it, Frank!"

0:15:030:15:06

So legally speaking, finders isn't necessarily keepers.

0:15:060:15:10

Now, let's have a round of Keep Still Or Scarper?

0:15:100:15:13

I'm going to show you some dangerous animals

0:15:130:15:15

and I want you to tell me what you should do -

0:15:150:15:17

stand your ground or skedaddle for the hills?

0:15:170:15:19

-All right?

-OK.

0:15:190:15:21

So, let's start with the first animal.

0:15:210:15:24

Here it is. It's a snake.

0:15:240:15:26

With a snake, should you keep still or scarper?

0:15:260:15:29

-# Keep on rockin'. #

-Bill?

0:15:290:15:31

-Keep still.

-Why?

0:15:310:15:33

Because...you're so terrified of the snake.

0:15:330:15:39

The snake will not attack a moving object.

0:15:390:15:43

-In which case, so you should move.

-What?

0:15:430:15:46

You said, "It will not attack a moving object".

0:15:460:15:49

-I mean it will attack.

-Right.

0:15:490:15:50

It will attack a moving object.

0:15:500:15:52

It actually forgets you're there if you stand still.

0:15:520:15:54

-Yeah.

-It will just ignore you.

-I get that a lot.

0:15:540:15:57

It's like being married.

0:15:590:16:00

Does it depend on how fast you run?

0:16:000:16:02

Because if you can run - outrun it...

0:16:020:16:04

They can strike very quickly, and if you're close to it,

0:16:040:16:06

just the act of turning to run would... Like that.

0:16:060:16:09

-Oh, right, OK.

-If it felt threatened.

0:16:090:16:10

The best thing to do is stand stock-still and then nothing will happen.

0:16:100:16:13

You'd feel a fool if you stood still and it bit you anyway, wouldn't you?

0:16:130:16:16

-You would.

-Your mobile went off or something.

0:16:160:16:20

That's true.

0:16:200:16:21

Don't have your mobile on vibrate. That would be the worst...

0:16:210:16:23

They have a marvellous sense of vibration.

0:16:230:16:25

OK, our next ones.

0:16:250:16:27

Let's have a look at this little trio harmonising.

0:16:270:16:29

Aww.

0:16:290:16:30

"Aww," you say. "Aww"?! They can tear you to pieces!

0:16:300:16:33

Three of a wolf pack, a wild wolf.

0:16:330:16:35

-When they've finished their song.

-So should you keep still?

0:16:350:16:37

Should you keep still or scarper?

0:16:380:16:41

-# Keep on movin'. #

-Yes, Jason?

0:16:410:16:44

I'm going to say scarper.

0:16:440:16:47

I'm afraid not, no. No, they are "coursing predators".

0:16:470:16:50

They actually tear and eat things on the run.

0:16:500:16:54

So that's how they like to eat.

0:16:540:16:56

They've not seen me run though.

0:16:560:16:58

My running is the same as me keeping still.

0:16:580:17:01

You should just shout, throw stones, pebbles, whatever,

0:17:010:17:04

and then back slowly away and you'll be fine.

0:17:040:17:06

Shout at... What...?

0:17:060:17:08

-YELLS GIBBERISH

-Like that.

0:17:080:17:10

Throw things at them.

0:17:100:17:11

-They're not used...

-I'm terrified.

0:17:110:17:13

-They're not used to that behaviour.

-I'm glad I asked.

0:17:130:17:16

And they're wolves - they just back away going, "He's mental!"

0:17:160:17:20

It works. If you run away...

0:17:210:17:24

There's a guy, down in Devon, there's this bloke

0:17:240:17:27

who lived with wolves in Combe Martin Wildlife Park. Shaun Ellis.

0:17:270:17:31

He's an extraordinary bloke,

0:17:310:17:32

and he wanted to know what it was like to be accepted

0:17:320:17:35

as part of a wolf pack. And so he lived with the wolves for a year,

0:17:350:17:38

and ate raw meat and growled and snarled at them.

0:17:380:17:41

-Learnt the body language.

-Learnt the whole body language, it was amazing.

0:17:410:17:44

And his girlfriend wrote,

0:17:440:17:45

"It has put a little bit of a strain on our relationship."

0:17:450:17:48

-Oh, really?

-Oh, really?

0:17:500:17:52

"Yeah, every time we go out hunting of a night, I feel left out."

0:17:520:17:57

He will tear the waiter apart at the end of a meal.

0:17:570:18:00

If she doesn't keep still, he chases it.

0:18:000:18:03

I shouted at a moth once and it died.

0:18:030:18:05

It was too high up the curtain, so I couldn't reach it

0:18:070:18:10

so I got really mad at it and it just dropped.

0:18:100:18:12

Some would say it was dead already,

0:18:120:18:14

-but I like to think it was because of me.

-Those words!

0:18:140:18:17

BILL: Maybe it was playing dead.

0:18:170:18:20

Well, it was definitely dead once it was under my shoe.

0:18:200:18:23

Fair enough. What about a shark?

0:18:230:18:26

-# Keep on hiding... #

-I would say...

0:18:260:18:29

-Oh, it's not, I was going to say fight.

-Fight?!

0:18:300:18:34

Yeah, because you put your thumbs in its eyes, you punch it on the nose.

0:18:340:18:38

-YELLS:

-Get out of there! Run!

0:18:380:18:41

Well, no. Swim!

0:18:410:18:43

-Don't stand still. Scarper is the answer.

-Scarper?

0:18:430:18:46

-Can I do an eye-gouge first?

-I wouldn't bother with any of that.

0:18:460:18:49

-Just get out of the way.

-There was that Welsh bloke,

0:18:490:18:51

he was on holiday,

0:18:510:18:52

and a shark started attacking a load of kids,

0:18:520:18:55

and he went in and just... he grabbed it by its tail and,

0:18:550:18:58

"Get out of it!" Threw it back in.

0:18:580:18:59

And then got home and they sacked him cos they saw him

0:18:590:19:02

on the news, saying, "You were on sick leave."

0:19:020:19:04

-No!

-That's harsh. ALAN:

-He's a hero!

0:19:040:19:06

He said, "I was on holiday for stress."

0:19:060:19:09

Blow bubbles, apparently, but if you're near its mouth,

0:19:090:19:12

don't play dead. That's a bad thing. Struggle in the mouth.

0:19:120:19:16

-In a moment, you won't have to play dead.

-Exactly!

0:19:160:19:19

While you're still conscious.

0:19:190:19:20

Now, what about Africanised honey bees, also know as killer bees?

0:19:200:19:23

-Stay still or scarper?

-Um...

0:19:230:19:26

# Keep on rocking. #

0:19:260:19:27

-Stay still.

-No!

0:19:270:19:29

-# Keep on moving. #

-Run away, the other one.

0:19:290:19:32

It's a binary question. One for cheek.

0:19:320:19:36

Yeah, no...

0:19:360:19:38

Run away as fast as you can, don't stop to help friends or anything,

0:19:380:19:41

just get the hell out of there and keep on running at least 400 metres.

0:19:410:19:44

And don't think you can hide in water,

0:19:440:19:46

they will wait above your head,

0:19:460:19:48

and when you come up for air, they will absolutely attack you.

0:19:480:19:51

-What shits!

-They are really, really...

0:19:510:19:53

Nicely put. They're not nice.

0:19:530:19:56

-How far is 400 metres?

-It's about 400 metres, I think.

0:19:560:20:00

-How many Newtons is it?

-It's slightly less than half a kilometre.

0:20:010:20:05

-Oh, I could probably manage that.

-Yes, you could do 500 metres.

0:20:050:20:08

-OK. I'm just checking.

-Put your shirt over your face as well, if you can.

0:20:080:20:13

-OK.

-To protect you from stinging.

0:20:130:20:14

Could you not quickly open a can of Fanta and put it down on the ground?

0:20:140:20:18

-"There, there, look, look! You love that!"

-Don't risk it.

0:20:180:20:22

Put your top over your face? Are they distracted by boobs, is that it?

0:20:220:20:26

So what do you do with a monkey? Keep still or scarper?

0:20:280:20:31

-Ah, that's nice, isn't it?

-Well, just reason with it.

0:20:310:20:34

How many heads has it got?

0:20:340:20:36

Sign language.

0:20:360:20:37

-Keep still.

-Yes, but not dead-still.

0:20:380:20:40

There's a particular open-mouthed, open-lipped...

0:20:400:20:42

-Like dancing? No.

-..thing that you do.

0:20:420:20:45

You bare your teeth.

0:20:450:20:46

A round mouth, bare your teeth. Round.

0:20:460:20:49

-Keep shaking around like that.

-That's it, that's it. Raise your eyebrows.

0:20:490:20:52

By the time I've done it, he's killed me.

0:20:520:20:54

And raise your eyebrows.

0:20:540:20:55

That's it. Show your teeth. Raise your eyebrows.

0:20:550:20:58

-What does that mean?

-IMITATES MONKEY CHATTER

0:20:580:21:01

-Back off!

-That's good.

-Back off!

0:21:010:21:04

You have monkeys, don't you?

0:21:050:21:07

-Yes, we have golden-handed tamarinds.

-Oh, lovely.

0:21:070:21:09

-You just have them round your house?

-Do they live in the house easily?

0:21:090:21:12

They live in the house, yeah. We don't let them out.

0:21:120:21:15

-Are they house-trained?

-Yes, of course.

0:21:150:21:16

-That's amazing.

-Yeah.

0:21:160:21:18

I think Jane Goodall discovered when you try and house-train a chimpanzee,

0:21:180:21:21

their intelligence is of a different order, and it's kind of smart but stupid.

0:21:210:21:25

And she had these chimpanzees

0:21:250:21:27

and when one pooed on the floor

0:21:270:21:29

of this little wooden bungalow that she had in Africa,

0:21:290:21:31

what she'd do is, she would make it confront its own poo,

0:21:310:21:34

spank it on the bottom and throw it out of the window.

0:21:340:21:36

-And...

-This is ground floor, yeah?

0:21:360:21:38

It's ground... I said "bungalow", yes.

0:21:380:21:41

So she did that twice and then the third time she saw one poo,

0:21:410:21:44

slap its own bottom and jump out of the window.

0:21:440:21:47

-Which is completely logical.

-That's amazing.

0:21:470:21:50

That's brilliant.

0:21:510:21:52

Thinking it had been really good, and you kind of go...

0:21:520:21:54

That's not dissimilar to...

0:21:540:21:56

My daughter's nearly four, right, and...

0:21:560:21:58

Save her embarrassment for future shows.

0:21:580:22:00

She'll be fine. I won't tell you which one. I've got twins.

0:22:000:22:03

-Oh, fine.

-And she's...

0:22:030:22:04

There's a point where they're slapping each other and fighting

0:22:040:22:07

and you go, "Right, get on the naughty step."

0:22:070:22:09

And there's a point where she's so annoyed,

0:22:090:22:10

that she will just slap her sister, you know, in the face or whatever,

0:22:100:22:13

and then go and get on the naughty step herself

0:22:130:22:15

and sit there with a face saying, "It was worth it."

0:22:150:22:18

Yeah.

0:22:180:22:19

That's very good. Very good.

0:22:230:22:25

Excellent. Cows?

0:22:250:22:27

Why would you need to?

0:22:270:22:28

Well, you say that, but more than 50 a year,

0:22:280:22:31

injuries caused by cows.

0:22:310:22:33

-Really? 50 idiots.

-Particularly calving mothers.

0:22:330:22:36

-They can get more aggressive than bulls.

-Fair enough, because they've...

0:22:360:22:39

We're afraid of bulls, but actually cows are...yeah.

0:22:390:22:42

But, presumably, if you're putting your arms up a cow's nunny

0:22:420:22:45

to pull a calf out, she's allowed to kick you in the face.

0:22:450:22:48

Oh, there'll be a bit of that. I don't think we're talking about that.

0:22:480:22:51

-No, we're talking about...

-Ramblers.

0:22:510:22:52

Yeah, ramblers, and what happens is, particularly dogs tease them,

0:22:520:22:55

the cow then gets aggressive with the dog and chases the dog

0:22:550:22:58

and the dog, of course, yelps back to its owner.

0:22:580:23:00

And then the cow will hurt the owner.

0:23:000:23:02

They crowd you, don't they?

0:23:020:23:03

And then if you fall down, you get trampled.

0:23:030:23:05

-Yeah.

-So get the hell out.

-So you need to scarper.

0:23:050:23:07

You do need to scarper, is the answer, yeah.

0:23:070:23:09

So, how do you get an ant to keep still?

0:23:090:23:12

-# Keep on hidin'. #

-Sarah?

0:23:120:23:14

Stop the music.

0:23:140:23:15

And then... Like that. That's very good.

0:23:170:23:20

Do you know, by any chance,

0:23:200:23:21

who was the first person accurately to portray small insects?

0:23:210:23:26

Most famously the flea, which is a very recognisable image,

0:23:260:23:29

which is the cover of his book Micrographia.

0:23:290:23:31

He was a remarkable scientist, town planner,

0:23:310:23:34

he has a law named after him of tension and springs.

0:23:340:23:38

He was a contemporary of Newton and Christopher Wren.

0:23:380:23:40

He was responsible for much of the town planning

0:23:400:23:43

after the Fire of London.

0:23:430:23:44

And he used a microscope to see animals,

0:23:440:23:48

including this little flea.

0:23:480:23:50

And an ant! And there it is.

0:23:500:23:51

He was an amazing artist, as you can see.

0:23:510:23:54

And he describes precisely how he got the ant to keep still.

0:23:540:23:58

He said, "I gave it a gill of brandy,

0:23:580:24:01

"which after a while knocked him down dead-drunk.

0:24:010:24:04

"He struggled..." Wonderful phrase this.

0:24:040:24:06

"..for a pretty while very much."

0:24:060:24:09

Sounds like he was drinking it himself there.

0:24:090:24:11

"For a pretty while very much till at last..."

0:24:110:24:13

-SLURRED:

-One for you, one for me.

-Yeah.

0:24:130:24:15

"Till at last, certain bubbles issuing out of its mouth,

0:24:150:24:18

"it ceased to move and remained moveless for a good while."

0:24:180:24:21

-"Remained moveless"?

-"Moveless", yeah.

0:24:210:24:22

Well, it was in 1665, the book came out, Micrographia.

0:24:220:24:25

-Well done.

-A gill, by the way, is a quarter of a pint.

0:24:250:24:28

Wow.

0:24:280:24:29

They can hold their booze, can't they, ants?

0:24:290:24:31

-Yeah, they can.

-Cooee!

0:24:310:24:33

-Eight times their body weight.

-What was this man's name?

0:24:330:24:35

Do you remember?

0:24:350:24:37

-Audience?

-"Do you remember?"! IAN:

-Robert Hooke.

0:24:370:24:39

Well, yeah, Ian Robinson shouted out.

0:24:390:24:41

Ian Robinson is a physicist. That's cheating.

0:24:410:24:43

But, yes, Robert Hooke.

0:24:430:24:44

And he suffered, as many did,

0:24:440:24:46

although he was one of the greatest geniuses who ever lived...

0:24:460:24:49

Isaac Newton was a really thoroughly ghastly man,

0:24:490:24:52

and he particularly hated Hooke and had him erased from history,

0:24:520:24:55

because anybody who wasn't Newton was just not good enough.

0:24:550:24:58

And all the portraits of him, he got rid of,

0:24:580:25:00

because he was so powerful, Newton,

0:25:000:25:02

because he was such a genius and so recognised around the world.

0:25:020:25:05

And an artist named Rita Greer has set herself the task

0:25:050:25:07

of creating more portraits of Hooke than there are of Newton, to redress the balance.

0:25:070:25:11

-Really?

-And here's one.

0:25:110:25:12

It's based on meticulously researched likenesses of him.

0:25:120:25:14

There are now 20 in the world, as opposed to 16 of Newton.

0:25:140:25:17

So Hooke has won, though, obviously, Newton was a truly great man.

0:25:170:25:21

So Newton did this, did he? He was a bit of a wrong'un?

0:25:210:25:23

-I'm afraid he was.

-A terrible egomaniac.

0:25:230:25:25

-Total egomaniac.

-Gravity, see, it goes to your head.

0:25:250:25:28

Yeah. Gravity goes to your head!

0:25:280:25:31

He looks like he's had a few gills of whisky there, doesn't he?

0:25:310:25:34

He does a bit, doesn't he? He's a little...bleugh.

0:25:340:25:36

He doesn't look as if he's had much sun.

0:25:360:25:38

SLURRED: "Look, there's two little ants meeting in a pub."

0:25:380:25:42

"Hello!" "Would you like a brandy?"

0:25:420:25:45

"Arghhhh."

0:25:450:25:47

"I love you." "No, I love YOU."

0:25:500:25:55

Well, there you go.

0:25:550:25:57

On the subject of keeping still, how hard is it to be a nude model?

0:25:570:26:01

LAUGHTER

0:26:020:26:05

Don't you remember that, Alan?

0:26:080:26:10

-I do not remember that.

-Oh, that was a good night.

0:26:120:26:14

It's the woman second from the left

0:26:140:26:16

who seems to be, uh, most enjoying the view.

0:26:160:26:20

-The one with the orange scarf.

-Was it cold? Were you being...?

0:26:200:26:23

She's going to need a bigger pad than that, I tell you.

0:26:230:26:26

They're all just drawing sections of you, aren't they?

0:26:280:26:32

"I'll do the helmet."

0:26:320:26:34

"Yeah. Oh, you're all right there, yeah."

0:26:340:26:36

Were you being funny there, or...?

0:26:360:26:38

-That's not really him.

-Oh, it's not real? Oh!

0:26:380:26:40

No, we cleverly made it up.

0:26:400:26:42

-I assumed...

-Bless you.

0:26:420:26:44

..that you would be funny naked. I'm sorry, Alan.

0:26:440:26:47

You assumed he'd be funny naked?

0:26:470:26:48

Well, that's what I can see. I'm sorry.

0:26:480:26:50

-Yes. You say what you see.

-Yeah.

0:26:500:26:53

But there is actually a Register of Artists' Models -

0:26:530:26:56

"RAM" - that looks after the interests of models,

0:26:560:26:59

and it thinks the idea that life modelling is a breeze is completely wrong.

0:26:590:27:02

To keep still for a long while is very, very hard.

0:27:020:27:05

-You get pins and needles and cramp.

-Yeah.

-Pins and needles, cramp.

0:27:050:27:08

You have to do one thing at a time.

0:27:080:27:09

You start with short poses called "gestures" -

0:27:090:27:11

bold action-oriented poses - which are used as a warm-up.

0:27:110:27:14

You go two minutes, then five minutes

0:27:140:27:15

and then eventually 30-plus.

0:27:150:27:16

There's more work for women than men.

0:27:160:27:18

The classes prefer them

0:27:180:27:20

and there are more of them in the market, it appears.

0:27:200:27:22

And in 1998, a man called George Bond

0:27:220:27:25

took Northampton College to an industrial tribunal,

0:27:250:27:29

claiming that he was not being employed on the basis of his gender

0:27:290:27:31

and that it was sexual discrimination.

0:27:310:27:33

In fact, they were able to demonstrate that it was personal,

0:27:330:27:36

and the reason was he couldn't hold a pose, he fidgeted,

0:27:360:27:39

went to the loo too often, had a background in erotic films,

0:27:390:27:42

which troubled the A-level students,

0:27:420:27:44

particularly one 16-year-old at whom he winked when she was drawing.

0:27:440:27:47

-What with? What did he wink with?

-They claimed he was...

0:27:470:27:50

Oh, don't say that!

0:27:500:27:51

-"What did he wink with?!"

-GROANING AND LAUGHTER

0:27:510:27:54

My little eye.

0:27:580:27:59

Having said that, he explained to them

0:27:590:28:01

that he didn't have glasses so he was squinting,

0:28:010:28:03

but he did also improvise a pose which involved sticking his bottom into the air,

0:28:030:28:06

which was described by some students as giving "an unfortunate view".

0:28:060:28:10

-So...

-They didn't want him. They didn't want him there.

0:28:100:28:12

-They didn't want to draw him.

-They just didn't want George there.

0:28:120:28:15

-Get out, George.

-So he lost the case.

0:28:150:28:17

But there are contentious issues

0:28:170:28:18

described by the Register of Artists' Models,

0:28:180:28:21

and the contentious issues include

0:28:210:28:24

raids on studios by amusing non-art students

0:28:240:28:27

who just want to see a nudey person.

0:28:270:28:29

-Ah, yes.

-Which is very silly.

0:28:290:28:30

A warning against passing window cleaners.

0:28:300:28:34

And their policy is to suspend any member -

0:28:340:28:36

that's an odd way of phrasing it -

0:28:360:28:38

who gets an erection during a sitting.

0:28:380:28:41

-When I say "Suspend any member"...

-"Suspend a member".

0:28:410:28:43

-I mean...

-Right, OK, yeah.

-From a great height.

0:28:430:28:45

You'd suspend yourself, wouldn't you?

0:28:450:28:47

..are forced out of the Register.

0:28:470:28:48

You'd have to say, "All right, I'll get my coat."

0:28:480:28:50

-Right, yeah.

-And then just hang it over the...

0:28:500:28:53

Is that like being struck off, then, is it?

0:28:530:28:56

Yes. Basically, it is, yeah.

0:28:560:28:57

You can't ever be a nude model if you can't control yourself.

0:28:570:29:00

-# Keep on moving... #

-How did you do that?!

0:29:000:29:03

BILL: How are you doing that?!

0:29:030:29:05

-ALAN:

-You're suspended! Out!

0:29:050:29:08

That's why I'm banned from RAM.

0:29:120:29:13

-Yeah.

-That was very impressive.

0:29:130:29:16

That's with his clothes on as well.

0:29:160:29:18

# Keep on moving... #

0:29:180:29:21

Let's give him a gill of brandy and see...

0:29:220:29:25

An AA Gill of brandy! Absolutely.

0:29:250:29:29

Well, there you are, that's RAM.

0:29:290:29:32

Now, Little Bo Peep keeps lesbian sheep,

0:29:320:29:33

but doesn't know how to find them. Can you help? Oh, look at that.

0:29:330:29:37

-Lesbian sheep.

-Right.

-How can you tell if sheep are lesbian?

0:29:370:29:41

Well...

0:29:410:29:42

-By their conduct.

-Yes.

0:29:420:29:44

Trouble is, you can't. You can with so many species.

0:29:460:29:49

Can't you...just with the wafts of k.d. lang coming from the field?

0:29:490:29:52

-k.d. lamb!

-Is it something to do with sex?

0:29:520:29:56

-Well, no, the funny thing is, ewes just stand still.

-If they want sex?

0:29:560:30:01

So you can't tell if sheep are lesbians,

0:30:010:30:03

and yet, this is also true.

0:30:030:30:04

We have had a huge problem with lesbian sheep.

0:30:040:30:07

What? It's not my fault.

0:30:080:30:09

-We have. How did this happen?

-Well, they're not producing any lambs?

0:30:090:30:15

No, they were.

0:30:150:30:16

But you can't tell whether a sheep's lesbian or not.

0:30:160:30:19

-So the rams don't know?

-Think of the word.

-Lesbian, sheep.

0:30:190:30:23

-It has two meanings.

-Problem.

0:30:230:30:25

-One is sapphic, preferring their own kind, female, gay, homosexual.

-Yeah.

0:30:250:30:29

-The other is from the island of...

-Lesbos.

-Yes.

0:30:290:30:33

Sheep from the island of Lesbos were transported around Europe and

0:30:330:30:36

they had foot and mouth disease,

0:30:360:30:38

and they communicated it all around Europe.

0:30:380:30:40

So Lesbian sheep were responsible for an outbreak in 1994.

0:30:400:30:44

Well, you needed Jonathan Creek to get that one, I'm afraid.

0:30:460:30:49

There you are. So that's pretty exciting, isn't it?

0:30:520:30:55

No, it's not, really.

0:30:550:30:56

You know how you said the lady ones just stand still if they want sex?

0:30:580:31:02

-Yeah.

-Do the lesbian ones stand still close together

0:31:020:31:06

so that they can do stuff?

0:31:060:31:08

-No!

-Or are they all just sparsely standing apart?

0:31:080:31:11

They're all waiting for someone else to make the first move.

0:31:110:31:14

The ram will do it, the ram will tup her, as the word is used.

0:31:140:31:17

Bloody rams!

0:31:170:31:19

Good word, tup. We don't use it as often as we should. Tup.

0:31:190:31:23

-JASON:

-I've never heard it before.

0:31:230:31:25

No. I know what my tuppence is.

0:31:250:31:27

Now, on to keeping time.

0:31:280:31:32

When is the present?

0:31:320:31:33

Wow. Uh...now?

0:31:330:31:36

-ALARM BLARES

-No!

0:31:360:31:38

I knew it!

0:31:380:31:40

No, unfortunately, it was about 70 milliseconds ago.

0:31:400:31:42

We're always 70 milliseconds behind.

0:31:420:31:44

They were good times, man.

0:31:440:31:46

The time taken between light hitting the eye and being processed

0:31:460:31:50

is about 70 milliseconds.

0:31:500:31:52

-Which you may say isn't much.

-So is it then, then?

0:31:520:31:54

It's then, exactly.

0:31:540:31:56

But if, at a reasonably mild 85 miles per hour,

0:31:560:32:00

a cricket ball or tennis ball, that would be 10 feet.

0:32:000:32:04

So you really have to anticipate where the ball...

0:32:040:32:08

-So you're seeing the ball in the future?

-Yeah.

0:32:080:32:10

And you have to predict the future.

0:32:100:32:12

Yeah, you have to predict where it will be.

0:32:120:32:14

Because your brain won't see it until it's already passed.

0:32:140:32:17

-So you have to just...

-You guess it'll be there.

0:32:170:32:19

You're used to the course it's taken,

0:32:190:32:21

you can see it from the racket or the bowler's arm,

0:32:210:32:23

but you don't have time physically to see the ball with your eye.

0:32:230:32:26

It's passed you. Bowlers bowl up to 100 miles an hour.

0:32:260:32:29

-Tennis serves are way faster.

-Yes.

0:32:290:32:31

Researchers at the University of Tokyo

0:32:310:32:34

have proved how we are indeed incapable of this kind of speed

0:32:340:32:37

by building a robotic hand that can play Paper Scissors Stone

0:32:370:32:41

and always beat a human being.

0:32:410:32:43

Because it can read our gestures quicker than we can read them.

0:32:430:32:47

Its processing is so much faster than ours.

0:32:470:32:50

We've got a bit of VT of this. Here we go.

0:32:500:32:53

You've hardly got time to see it yourself, it's so quick.

0:32:540:32:57

It wins 100% of the time.

0:32:570:33:00

-It won't beat me.

-That's the scissors...

0:33:000:33:03

We didn't have a telly for ten years growing up. I'm brilliant at that game.

0:33:030:33:06

But you have to... It just reads your hand movement before...

0:33:060:33:09

Even so, Stephen. I think I could take it.

0:33:090:33:12

What if your hand was underneath the table

0:33:130:33:15

and then you brought it out?

0:33:150:33:17

Cos it hasn't seen you do it then. So you could beat it.

0:33:170:33:19

So if you cheated, it would... Yeah.

0:33:190:33:21

-It's not cheating, if you're shy or something.

-That's not how the game is played.

0:33:210:33:25

Somebody's playing Rock Paper Scissors with a robot.

0:33:250:33:28

That's the future, isn't it, really?

0:33:280:33:31

It's how it all begins, it's how Skynet first adapted the cyborg.

0:33:310:33:34

-Really?

-Yeah! It starts with chess, games.

0:33:340:33:37

A robot, we've sent him back from the future to play Rock Paper Scissors!

0:33:370:33:41

It's absolutely astonishing, it is beating our own brain,

0:33:420:33:45

which is the most extraordinary thing we know in the universe,

0:33:450:33:47

at perception and time and reflex, in a small way.

0:33:470:33:51

I played chess against a computer on a flight.

0:33:510:33:54

Oh, yeah?

0:33:540:33:56

And it turns out I'm rubbish at chess.

0:33:560:33:58

After a few games, I'd lost every one,

0:33:580:34:00

the computer started taking its king out

0:34:000:34:04

and putting it right in the middle of the board...

0:34:040:34:06

..completely on its own,

0:34:070:34:09

and then I would really struggle to pin it down.

0:34:090:34:11

Oh, no!

0:34:110:34:13

I did, I did win a couple of games, it was immensely satisfying.

0:34:130:34:16

They're so good, chess programmes now, it's frightening.

0:34:160:34:19

But I mean, you know, in terms of human achievements,

0:34:190:34:21

poetry, music, suchlike...

0:34:210:34:23

-Oh, yes.

-They're way behind.

0:34:230:34:25

-Yes, of course.

-And they haven't passed what's called

0:34:250:34:28

the Turing test, which is the most important thing for a machine.

0:34:280:34:31

Alan Turing posited a test which was whether or not you could conduct a conversation

0:34:310:34:35

with an artificial machine in such a way

0:34:350:34:37

that you wouldn't know it was an artificial machine.

0:34:370:34:40

And if it passes that stage,

0:34:400:34:42

that really is a moment in computer development.

0:34:420:34:45

It's quite scary then. Then you've got a consciousness...

0:34:450:34:48

What sort of questions would you ask?

0:34:480:34:50

-To check it?

-Are you a machine?

0:34:500:34:52

Yeah, that's going to help!

0:34:540:34:56

-That's right.

-And when it goes...

0:34:580:34:59

-ROBOTICALLY:

-"No!" Ohhh...

0:34:590:35:02

Let's just assume that it won't be that easy!

0:35:030:35:06

If it lies to win, that really would be the next step of evolution.

0:35:060:35:10

What's your happiest memory? Things like that.

0:35:100:35:13

ROBOTIC VOICE: Just now.

0:35:130:35:14

That would give it away!

0:35:150:35:17

Switching on this morning.

0:35:170:35:20

Oh, it's a beautiful moment. No, I live in the moment.

0:35:210:35:24

"Well, 17 milliseconds before the moment."

0:35:240:35:27

Anyway, here's a test to show you how easy it is to keep

0:35:290:35:32

an image in your head.

0:35:320:35:34

This is the departure board at Grand Central Station in New York,

0:35:340:35:38

try and memorise it. All right?

0:35:380:35:40

Now, the question is, when does the next train to White Plains leave?

0:35:400:35:44

12.25.

0:35:440:35:45

SIREN

0:35:450:35:48

-12.48?

-No, it's really mean of me.

0:35:480:35:51

-Oh...

-In Grand Central Station,

0:35:510:35:53

all trains depart a minute after the time given.

0:35:530:35:56

Well, that's... I was right!

0:35:560:35:59

But you had to know that in Grand Central Station they have a minute's

0:36:000:36:04

gate time to allow you, without accidents, not to have to run...

0:36:040:36:07

I know, it's so unfair on you. I'm really sorry!

0:36:070:36:10

You memorised it so well. I feel like such a pig.

0:36:100:36:13

Did you secretly flick a V?

0:36:140:36:16

-Yes, I totally did.

-You totally did!

0:36:170:36:20

-Anyway, sorry, yes, they have this gate time.

-They don't do that here.

0:36:220:36:25

-Quite the reverse, exactly.

-It's impossible.

-Yeah.

0:36:250:36:29

The service is now leaving.

0:36:290:36:30

My wife was pregnant, coming down the steps, and they shut the door.

0:36:300:36:33

I said, "There's my wife there. She's pregnant.

0:36:330:36:36

"Can you wait just 19 seconds?"

0:36:360:36:38

Because it was before the time the train was supposed to go. "No."

0:36:380:36:41

-Seriously? You missed the train?

-They shut the doors.

0:36:410:36:44

-They shut the doors.

-You could have just left her.

0:36:440:36:46

-She can get the next one.

-"Darling, you take the next one."

-Oh, fine.

0:36:480:36:52

-Here's an interesting thing. Have you been to India?

-Yes.

0:36:540:36:57

Do you remember India's time difference from us?

0:36:570:37:00

Five or six hours.

0:37:000:37:01

It's actually five-and-a-half hours.

0:37:010:37:05

But there is a very interesting thing

0:37:050:37:07

about a five-and-a-half hour difference.

0:37:070:37:09

You'd think, "Oh, God, how am I going to work out the difference?"

0:37:090:37:12

Old Aggers put me onto this, the cricket commentator,

0:37:120:37:14

because he's often in India.

0:37:140:37:16

He said, "This is what you want to do, old boy, take your watch."

0:37:160:37:19

So here we are, let's say it's 9:05 in England.

0:37:190:37:23

Right?

0:37:230:37:25

-If you turn the watch upside down, you get...

-2:35.

0:37:250:37:29

Yeah. And that's the time it is five-and-a-half hours ahead.

0:37:290:37:33

-So it's just the watch upside down.

-Mine's digital.

0:37:330:37:36

There you are, you see?

0:37:360:37:38

-Well, that's useless!

-It's 8:15.

-Oh, that's hopeless, I'm afraid.

0:37:380:37:42

But with an analogue watch, as you can see, it works.

0:37:420:37:45

-That's brilliant.

-It's really neat, isn't it?

-Clever.

-Well neat.

0:37:450:37:49

Neaty, neat, neat. Why do clocks go clockwise?

0:37:490:37:52

Why do they go that way round?

0:37:520:37:54

-Because that's the way we see things, isn't it?

-Not necessarily.

0:37:540:37:58

-Because it's forward.

-There's a particular reason.

0:37:580:38:01

And it's in the Northern Hemisphere, that's how sundials,

0:38:010:38:05

sun moves that way round.

0:38:050:38:06

So we're just used to the shadow from the gnomon of the sundial.

0:38:060:38:10

Now a question about keeping quiet.

0:38:100:38:13

-SOFTLY:

-How quiet is the quietest place in the world?

0:38:130:38:17

-Well quiet.

-Well quiet.

0:38:180:38:20

Is it...? There's an anechoic chamber somewhere in America.

0:38:200:38:25

There is. There's one in Britain too.

0:38:250:38:27

-And there's one here?

-Yeah.

0:38:270:38:29

Which is... It's completely devoid of all sound.

0:38:290:38:31

-And it sort of absorbs sound when you go in it.

-That's right.

0:38:310:38:35

It's at the University of Salford,

0:38:350:38:37

and it is minus 12.4 decibels.

0:38:370:38:40

As you can see there,

0:38:400:38:42

it's got all these sort of wedges and things to stop any kind of echoing.

0:38:420:38:45

Actually there's a hemi-anechoic chamber,

0:38:450:38:48

with a reverberation chamber as well,

0:38:480:38:50

in the National Physical Laboratory,

0:38:500:38:52

and I went there and I recorded myself popping a balloon,

0:38:520:38:55

first in the reverberation chamber

0:38:550:38:57

and then in the hemi-anechoic chamber,

0:38:570:38:59

which is slightly less than a full anechoic,

0:38:590:39:01

but it's still pretty bloody amaze-oid.

0:39:010:39:03

Did I just say "amaze-oid"? How tragic.

0:39:030:39:05

You really did.

0:39:050:39:06

Oh, God, I'm sad. Hang on.

0:39:060:39:09

-ECHOING RECORDING OF STEPHEN:

-'I am in the reverberation chamber.

0:39:090:39:14

'It's extraordinary.

0:39:150:39:18

'Wow!

0:39:180:39:20

'Arrgh! I'm going to burst the balloon now.'

0:39:200:39:24

EXTENDED ECHOING POP

0:39:260:39:28

-So remember that.

-Right. That's the balloon.

0:39:280:39:31

That's the reverberation chamber. OK, it's still going.

0:39:310:39:34

-'Gee, that was fantastic!'

-LAUGHTER

0:39:340:39:39

'Just an ordinary ickle balloon!'

0:39:390:39:41

You were off your face in there, weren't you?

0:39:410:39:44

-ECHOLESS RECORDING:

-'And now I am in a hemi-anechoic chamber.

0:39:440:39:49

-'Here we go. Three, two, one.'

-SHARP POP

0:39:490:39:52

Isn't that incredible?

0:39:530:39:55

'It's a dead flat sound. How exciting is that?'

0:39:550:39:58

-There we are. That's it.

-That is amazing.

0:39:580:40:01

Thank you. Thank you to the National Physical Laboratory.

0:40:040:40:08

So, who has the world's biggest mouth?

0:40:080:40:10

-Blue whale.

-Oh!

0:40:100:40:11

SIREN BLARES

0:40:110:40:13

It wouldn't be QI, would it, Alan?

0:40:130:40:15

Oh, the strange thing is, you're so close.

0:40:150:40:18

The blue whale's the biggest animal on earth that's ever been.

0:40:180:40:21

The second-biggest has the biggest mouth, oddly enough.

0:40:210:40:24

Another whale? A different sort of whale?

0:40:240:40:26

It's another whale, yes. It's usually found in the Arctic.

0:40:260:40:28

-Oh, right.

-Under the ice pack.

0:40:280:40:29

It's a hugely slow animal, beautiful.

0:40:290:40:31

One was found recently that had an 1870s harpoon in it.

0:40:310:40:35

It was still alive. They live a very long time.

0:40:350:40:37

-Good gosh.

-Huge things.

0:40:370:40:39

They've got a lovely smile on their face that is curved, bit like a bow.

0:40:390:40:42

So they're known as...?

0:40:420:40:44

Bowhead whales.

0:40:440:40:46

Aren't they marvellous?

0:40:460:40:47

Beautiful. The idea of killing them is just...

0:40:470:40:49

But they have the most blubber of any whale.

0:40:490:40:51

-That's probably why he's not so happy.

-Yeah.

0:40:510:40:55

The bowhead has a unique organ in its mouth.

0:40:550:40:57

There's really nothing quite like it.

0:40:570:40:59

The only thing you could say is like it, frankly...

0:40:590:41:02

Those are its baleen plates -

0:41:020:41:03

the sort of hairy feathery bits that it sieves food with.

0:41:030:41:06

-Wow.

-But the bit underneath it isn't a tongue, it's actually more like a penis.

0:41:060:41:10

-I know that sounds silly, but it's...

-Sounds great.

0:41:100:41:13

Well, yes...

0:41:130:41:15

I was supposed to just think that, sorry.

0:41:180:41:21

It's fine.

0:41:210:41:23

It is a sort of material.

0:41:230:41:25

I mean, a fleshy material that engorges...

0:41:250:41:27

..it engorges with blood and becomes absolutely huge with blood.

0:41:290:41:33

-Erect.

-And erect, in its mouth.

-Yes.

0:41:330:41:36

And it cools it, because it takes all the blood right up

0:41:360:41:39

and it pushes it out and gets the water over it.

0:41:390:41:41

So when it overheats, all this water goes...

0:41:410:41:43

and all its blood is in its sort of mouth cock,

0:41:430:41:46

if you can call it that.

0:41:460:41:48

-We SHALL call it that.

-The way of cooling the mouth.

0:41:480:41:51

SARAH CACKLES

0:41:510:41:53

The way of cooling its brain.

0:41:530:41:54

It's the corpus cavernosum maxillaris, is its proper name.

0:41:540:41:58

-"Mouth cock".

-But it's a tissue...

-"Mouth cock."

0:41:580:42:01

It opens the mouth, the Arctic water flows in.

0:42:010:42:03

-Mouth organ.

-Cools the organ.

-Yeah.

0:42:030:42:06

-"Mouth organ"! That's much better.

-There you go.

0:42:060:42:09

And that cools its brain.

0:42:090:42:10

So it's a kind of 12-foot-long penis in its mouth.

0:42:100:42:12

12-foot-long, I mean, it's like a lamp post in length.

0:42:120:42:16

I don't think he's a member of the RAM society.

0:42:160:42:19

No, I don't think he is.

0:42:190:42:20

-So it's like its own thermostat, then, really. So it's...

-Yes.

0:42:200:42:24

-Yeah.

-Absolutely, a cooling system.

-Oh, OK.

0:42:240:42:26

So, anyway, there's your bowhead whale.

0:42:260:42:29

Now, that brings us to the business of the scores.

0:42:290:42:32

Oh, I say, damn, it's close.

0:42:320:42:35

In first place, with minus 7, it's Bill Bailey!

0:42:350:42:38

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:380:42:40

-And second-equal, with minus 9, it's Jason and Sarah.

-Oh, wow!

0:42:430:42:47

Fourth place, with minus 10, is the audience!

0:42:510:42:55

Yes!

0:42:560:42:58

But our runaway loser, with minus 27, is Alan Davies.

0:42:590:43:03

Very good. Good work.

0:43:050:43:07

So, it's thanks from Sarah, Jason, Bill, Alan and me.

0:43:110:43:14

You all keep in touch now, you hear? Goodbye.

0:43:140:43:17

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