Keeps QI XL

Goooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening

and welcome to QI, where tonight we are playing for Keeps.

Keeping his eye on the ball, Jason Manford.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Keeping her ear to the ground, Sarah Millican.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Keeping his nose to the grindstone, Bill Bailey.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And keeping his pecker up, in spite of everything, Alan Davies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I'll be keeping the peace, everything on track and the score.

So, jeepers creepers, let's hear your peepers.

Jason goes...

# Keep on movin'... #

Sarah goes...

# Keep on runnin'

# Keep on hidin'... #

Bill goes...

# Keep on rockin'

# Keep on rockin'... #

-Nice. Nice.

-And Alan goes...

# We'll keep a welcome in the hillsides... #

Nice.

The voice of your forefathers there, the ancestors, isn't it,

"keeping a welcome in the hillside," isn't it?

So, before we start...

-Were they Pakistanis?

-Stop it, stop it. Stop it right now.

I'm going to lay down the law.

Like Teacher's first day at school -

he's strict, just so that people are afraid of him.

Yes.

Authority has got to be laid down. I'm not going to have... Right.

Yes. How's that going?

Oh, Sir's trying to get all 'umpty...

-Yes.

-..before we start.

-WELSH ACCENT:

-Mocking my Welsh accent.

That wasn't even Northern Europe.

SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: It was from Cape Town.

A welcome to the valleys in Cardiff.

It was my acc-ccent. You stop halfway through, isn't it?

"Isn't it?" Yes.

You've gone all street now.

"I stop halfway through, innit? Yeah, it's like that."

-Right, OK. All right.

-"Stephen Fry, yeah. QI, that's it."

Anyway, an easy K series question to start us going.

I still think in pounds and ounces,

but what unit does modern science use to measure weight?

Kilograms?

ALARM BLARES

-GROANING

-Oh, come on!

-There you go.

-First word!

-First word!

Kilograms, no. What does "kilogram" weigh?

2.2 pounds.

What does it measure, I meant to say?

-What does the kilogram measure?

-Weight.

-Weight.

-No.

-Water.

-Kilograms.

-It measures water.

-Water.

-No.

-Grams.

-Rucksacks.

-No?

There are a thousand grams in a kilogram,

but what is it actually measuring?

-What...?

-In my case, a crying lady.

LAUGHTER

What quantity - what aspect of a thing or an object does it measure?

Hatred. Hatred and vileness.

Bile. Bile.

Sarcasm. I don't know.

-No.

-Perversion.

No.

-Mass.

-Valium.

-Mass! It's mass.

-How many points does he get for that?

-A few.

-Oh, right.

Yeah. You, I'm afraid, get taken away a few.

-I don't mind.

-You're in minus already.

But you can get your points back if you can tell me what weight is measured in.

So this is the time I shouldn't say kilograms again?

-Yeah, it doesn't begin with K.

-OK.

-No.

-No.

-Anyone in the audience?

-What?

-AUDIENCE MEMBERS:

-Newtons.

They're good. Our audience is better than the average, let's be honest.

-Newtons is the answer.

-Newtons.

-I was going to say that!

-You were going to say it?

-Say it now, edit. Say it now.

# Keep on rockin'. #

Newtons.

-CHEERING

-By the time you said it, they're "old-tons", I'm afraid.

Oh, yeah, I see what you did there.

No, the weight is the force resulting from gravity of mass,

and that is how it acts on the earth, is as weight.

-And, of course, it varies according to the amount of gravity.

-That's right.

-Which is why it's not a constant. Which is why...

-It varies.

If you're in a lift, even, you weigh slightly less.

It sounds weird, but it's slightly less when you're dropping,

and slightly more when you're going up.

If you stood on scales, if you were using them for weight...

On the scales in my bathroom, they...

God bless 'em, workhorses that they are,

they, um...

when the batteries start going,

because it's only got three digits,

it says...it starts the word "error", so it says "E-R-R".

But then when you get on it, it just goes, "err".

"Eeerrrrr!"

It's like them not really wanting to tell you.

How much do I weigh? "Err, well...

"Do you really want to hear this?"

Then they say, "How much do you usually weigh?"

I don't have bathroom scales, I've just got kitchen scales.

Well, you could try the...

But I have measured bits of me on them.

Let me guess which bits. Really?

-The left one's heavier.

-Is it?

-By how much?

-Some Newtons.

Very good. Very good.

What is the bear... The bear's not happy about this, really, is he?

Being weighed in a sack.

It's like some sort of Arctic WeightWatchers.

-That's why he's not happy.

-The fattest bear.

"I can't believe I've used three points this week already!"

The bear's going, "It's just me glands, me glands!"

"I'm big boned!"

"I'm a bear, come on!"

-SARAH:

-"Let me take my earrings out."

The kilogram is the only metric measure

that still relies on a physical object,

which is called the international prototype kilogram.

And where do you think it's kept?

Is it kept in the National Physics Laboratory?

The National Physical Laboratory. No, it isn't.

-The Queen. The Queen has it?

-There is a replica of it in the National Physical Laboratory.

-Here is...

-Geneva. Everything's in Geneva.

There you go.

Do we have Ian Robinson from the National Physical Laboratory?

He's raising his hand. Hello. This belongs to you, yes?

IAN: It belongs to NPL, yes.

And this is a replica of the original IPK, yeah?

It's the same size,

but it weighs 400g, rather than a kilogram.

-Weighs or has mass of...?

-Its mass is 400g.

Don't make me a liar.

And this is what's inside the case.

It's so incredibly susceptible

to either adding weight to it or taking weight away -

the acidity of the fingers, the addition of dust -

the original is...

Well, where did the metric system originate?

POSH ACCENT: Builth Wells.

-I don't know, France.

-France. You do know, you see?

-Of course, of course, yes.

-Of course you know.

-It's actually outside Paris - near Sevres, where porcelain comes from.

-Yes.

It's made out of platinum iridium.

And they're worried that

it's put on the weight of a small grain of sand

over the period since it was first made, in 1879.

So they're going to change... they're going to change -

next year, possibly, or 2014 -

to using Planck's universal quantum constant

instead of the physical one.

Thank God for that. Phew!

Then they won't have to worry about bits of dust.

-What a worry as well, yeah.

-Yeah, what a worry.

-What a worry.

Thank you, Ian Robinson and the National Physical Laboratory.

-Yeah, thank you very much.

-Thank you for your time.

Is there different parts of the world, though, you could go and weigh more or less?

-If you went to areas of great...

-Yes, on the equator, you...

America. We'd all weigh less there, wouldn't we?

That's a comparative scale.

Yeah. And light - how much does light weigh?

And does sound weigh more than light?

You've got a bit of sound there and a bit of light,

you wouldn't...do that?

No.

That's a bit suggestive, really, isn't it?

Can you get in the bed before you put the light out?

-Ah, that's true, isn't it? Yeah.

-Yes.

Turn the light switch off and then get into bed before it went dark.

-Difficult, but it can be done.

-It can, yeah.

Didn't Muhammad Ali say that? Didn't he?

He said he was so fast, he could get into bed before the light went off.

Yeah, and someone said, "Just get a bedside light."

-Yeah, exactly.

-Or just one of those ones.

-Do it at the same time.

-Oh, one of those.

Then you can clap when you're in bed, and who doesn't like that?

Ah, yes, but that's very interesting, then, because then the sound...

-You've just turned the camera off.

-What's that?

-You've just turned the camera off.

Could you do two? Could you do two now?

-Thank you.

-Oh, sorry.

We use the same system. We didn't expect anybody to clap.

What just happened?

You turned the camera off by clapping.

-Just the whole universe, just..."nyoooom".

-Yeah.

-Nyooom!

-Yeah, you're back again now.

That's it. Don't clap, though.

Wwwwwhat would happen...?

If?

No, I was just saying... It was rhetorical.

-Oh, I see.

-I was just saying...

-What would happen...?

-There's a question.

"What would happen, Stephen? Discuss."

-Yes. "Let's see whose house it is."

-"..it is."

Now, we were talking about bits and bytes.

What is a kilobyte, in fact? How many bytes in a kilobyte?

-1,000.

-100,000.

-10,000.

-100,000. 1,000,000.

No, no, that's a gig...

-9.

-9!

-I just like to be different.

-42.

-Anyone in the audience?

-MAN IN AUDIENCE:

-1,024.

-ALARM BLARES

-Oh, the audience gets a big penalty.

GUFFAWS

Unfortunately... Unfortunately, our team...

In your face!

..our team isn't intelligent enough to know the wrong answer.

You thought it was 2 to the 10, which is 1,024.

But actually, according to the International Electrotechnical Commission,

it is now 1,000, as you said, is the right answer.

It's 1,000 bytes, and the...

-So I beat all those people, then?

-You did, by sheer fluke.

But didn't you say "10, 100, 1,000"? You just...

Yeah, yeah, but I started with a 1,000.

-You did cover quite a lot of bases. You did start with 1,000.

-Yeah.

There is a new word for 1,024, which is a "kibibyte", which is rather pathetic.

-Oh, come on.

-I know.

-They're just being silly now, aren't they?

But it's IEC standard 6027-2. There you go.

I'm sorry about that. It's not my fault.

-No, I'm not blaming you, Stephen, it's just...

-I know.

Now then - finders keepers, losers weepers, right?

-That's the rules.

-Yes, it is.

-Yes?

ALARM BLARES

Oh, what?! What? Hey, you tricked me!

You could have said no.

You... That's...that's a dirty trick, Fry!

You've done this programme long enough to know that dirty tricks are us.

Stephen, I didn't think that even you would stoop...

-Stoop.

-..so low.

-Well, I did.

-How dare you?

-It doesn't work in law.

If you find lost property

and don't make reasonable steps

to discover the person to whom it belongs,

then that's the crime of theft by finding.

So just...how does this apply to...?

If you're in the supermarket, right, and you put some fresh herbs in,

and you're walking round, "da da-da,"

all oblivious, thinking no-one's going to mess with your head.

And then before you get to the checkout,

someone's nicked the herbs out of your trolley

and you go back and then there's none left.

-That's a dirty trick, isn't it?

-It is a dirty trick.

-Did this happen today?

-That's just immoral bad citizenship.

But it's not technically theft, though.

No, that's not theft. It's bad citizenship.

-They weren't yours until you'd paid for them.

-No. They were morally mine.

If they took them after you'd paid... They were morally yours.

-I'd agree with you.

-How urgent were the herbs?

-Well, they're...

Look, there was a chilli con carne that was ruined because of that.

Garnish at least.

If you decked that lady, I don't blame you.

-Yes, I imagine, yeah...

-If you smashed her round the gizzard.

Yeah, smacked her round the head with a tin of tomatoes.

"Don't do it again!"

-She's learnt her lesson.

-Yeah, that's right.

So, I mean, if you... Technically, with that rule,

is if someone's done their full shop

and then right at the end, they've just wandered off for a tin of something,

you could go, "Right, I'll have that lot, then."

-That's brilliant.

-That would be so immoral.

You've sort of stolen their time there.

So you just follow somebody round the shop

who looks like they might like what you like, and then...

This is a wholly different question. I never asked this.

Bill raised it. It's got nothing to do with the question.

-It's a very important point.

-It's an interesting ethical issue.

I'm applying the ancient law to the modern-day context.

If you find something on the bus, or on the street...

Yeah, or if, for example, you're a dry cleaner

and you find a £20 note in a pair of trousers

that's taken in, you don't think, "Oh, I can keep that."

That definitely is theft because you know whose trousers they are.

-Exactly.

-But, like, on the bus or something...

Also, if you found a lottery ticket on the floor

and it was a winning number and you cashed it in

and it wasn't yours, you would be committing a crime.

-You wouldn't care, though.

-Yes, you would - it'd be taken away from you.

-Because you'd be a millionaire.

-You wouldn't be paid.

-You wouldn't get the money. You'd go to court.

-How, though? How would they know?

Because of the number and the time it was bought and the shop it was bought from.

-CCTV.

-Oh, shit!

-So, yeah.

In 2009, a Wilshire couple got an 11-month suspended sentence

for doing exactly that - they cashed a winning lottery ticket.

Even more, in 2003, a Coventry family

made repeated visits to a faulty cash machine

and withdrew £134,410.

-Wow!

-Three of them were imprisoned.

I used to work in a cinema

and anything that was found on the floor in the screens,

sort of depending on what it was...

So if it was an umbrella, it would go in lost property.

If it was a pound coin,

it would just... the guy, whoever would just...

-Conveniently disappear.

-Exactly, yeah.

But there was one time that a pair of used pants were found.

And they didn't really...

They sort of took them out on a stick

and they didn't really know what to do with them.

And then two weeks later, they got a letter from a man saying,

"I was in the 11:20 showing of Titanic

"in Screen 6 on the 23rd of February

"and I appear to have left my pants.

"Could you return them to me in the Jiffy bag provided?"

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, I don't know.

I don't think I'd have put them in a Jiffy.

If they were used pants,

they would have gone in one of those things they put nuclear waste in, you know?

-I think you're right.

-A lead-lined casket.

Ugh.

Well, it is true that

if you haven't made reasonable attempts to find something,

well, we know that it's morally wrong...

-It behoves you to do the right thing.

-Yeah. We hope you will.

But if property is deliberately abandoned, you can keep it.

Archaeological finds,

90% of them are from amateurs with metal detectors.

And famous metal detectors include Bill Wyman,

who I think has his own brand of metal detector, called Bill Wyman.

Which you can use for your metal detecting!

Things really picked up for him after he left the Stones!

But in 2009, a man called David Booth discovered four Iron Age

-gold neck bands worth £1 million.

-Good God!

What's extraordinary about it is it was the first time

-he'd ever used a metal detector.

-SARAH GASPS

He found it seven paces from where he'd parked his car.

-Like, all the other detectors are really annoyed!

-Yeah.

-He's been shunned from the fan club.

-Oh, absolutely.

If you do it without permission and/or at night,

-you're known as a nighthawk and you're looked down on.

-Yeah.

Because during the day, it's fine, but at night, you look a bit weird.

I mean, that guy's on...you know, on holiday as well.

Look at the background.

His wife's on a towel over there, just going, "You dick."

"Leave it alone, Frank, leave it, Frank!"

So legally speaking, finders isn't necessarily keepers.

Now, let's have a round of Keep Still Or Scarper?

I'm going to show you some dangerous animals

and I want you to tell me what you should do -

stand your ground or skedaddle for the hills?

-All right?

-OK.

So, let's start with the first animal.

Here it is. It's a snake.

With a snake, should you keep still or scarper?

-# Keep on rockin'. #

-Bill?

-Keep still.

-Why?

Because...you're so terrified of the snake.

The snake will not attack a moving object.

-In which case, so you should move.

-What?

You said, "It will not attack a moving object".

-I mean it will attack.

-Right.

It will attack a moving object.

It actually forgets you're there if you stand still.

-Yeah.

-It will just ignore you.

-I get that a lot.

It's like being married.

Does it depend on how fast you run?

Because if you can run - outrun it...

They can strike very quickly, and if you're close to it,

just the act of turning to run would... Like that.

-Oh, right, OK.

-If it felt threatened.

The best thing to do is stand stock-still and then nothing will happen.

You'd feel a fool if you stood still and it bit you anyway, wouldn't you?

-You would.

-Your mobile went off or something.

That's true.

Don't have your mobile on vibrate. That would be the worst...

They have a marvellous sense of vibration.

OK, our next ones.

Let's have a look at this little trio harmonising.

Aww.

"Aww," you say. "Aww"?! They can tear you to pieces!

Three of a wolf pack, a wild wolf.

-When they've finished their song.

-So should you keep still?

Should you keep still or scarper?

-# Keep on movin'. #

-Yes, Jason?

I'm going to say scarper.

I'm afraid not, no. No, they are "coursing predators".

They actually tear and eat things on the run.

So that's how they like to eat.

They've not seen me run though.

My running is the same as me keeping still.

You should just shout, throw stones, pebbles, whatever,

and then back slowly away and you'll be fine.

Shout at... What...?

-YELLS GIBBERISH

-Like that.

Throw things at them.

-They're not used...

-I'm terrified.

-They're not used to that behaviour.

-I'm glad I asked.

And they're wolves - they just back away going, "He's mental!"

It works. If you run away...

There's a guy, down in Devon, there's this bloke

who lived with wolves in Combe Martin Wildlife Park. Shaun Ellis.

He's an extraordinary bloke,

and he wanted to know what it was like to be accepted

as part of a wolf pack. And so he lived with the wolves for a year,

and ate raw meat and growled and snarled at them.

-Learnt the body language.

-Learnt the whole body language, it was amazing.

And his girlfriend wrote,

"It has put a little bit of a strain on our relationship."

-Oh, really?

-Oh, really?

"Yeah, every time we go out hunting of a night, I feel left out."

He will tear the waiter apart at the end of a meal.

If she doesn't keep still, he chases it.

I shouted at a moth once and it died.

It was too high up the curtain, so I couldn't reach it

so I got really mad at it and it just dropped.

Some would say it was dead already,

-but I like to think it was because of me.

-Those words!

BILL: Maybe it was playing dead.

Well, it was definitely dead once it was under my shoe.

Fair enough. What about a shark?

-# Keep on hiding... #

-I would say...

-Oh, it's not, I was going to say fight.

-Fight?!

Yeah, because you put your thumbs in its eyes, you punch it on the nose.

-YELLS:

-Get out of there! Run!

Well, no. Swim!

-Don't stand still. Scarper is the answer.

-Scarper?

-Can I do an eye-gouge first?

-I wouldn't bother with any of that.

-Just get out of the way.

-There was that Welsh bloke,

he was on holiday,

and a shark started attacking a load of kids,

and he went in and just... he grabbed it by its tail and,

"Get out of it!" Threw it back in.

And then got home and they sacked him cos they saw him

on the news, saying, "You were on sick leave."

-No!

-That's harsh. ALAN:

-He's a hero!

He said, "I was on holiday for stress."

Blow bubbles, apparently, but if you're near its mouth,

don't play dead. That's a bad thing. Struggle in the mouth.

-In a moment, you won't have to play dead.

-Exactly!

While you're still conscious.

Now, what about Africanised honey bees, also know as killer bees?

-Stay still or scarper?

-Um...

# Keep on rocking. #

-Stay still.

-No!

-# Keep on moving. #

-Run away, the other one.

It's a binary question. One for cheek.

Yeah, no...

Run away as fast as you can, don't stop to help friends or anything,

just get the hell out of there and keep on running at least 400 metres.

And don't think you can hide in water,

they will wait above your head,

and when you come up for air, they will absolutely attack you.

-What shits!

-They are really, really...

Nicely put. They're not nice.

-How far is 400 metres?

-It's about 400 metres, I think.

-How many Newtons is it?

-It's slightly less than half a kilometre.

-Oh, I could probably manage that.

-Yes, you could do 500 metres.

-OK. I'm just checking.

-Put your shirt over your face as well, if you can.

-OK.

-To protect you from stinging.

Could you not quickly open a can of Fanta and put it down on the ground?

-"There, there, look, look! You love that!"

-Don't risk it.

Put your top over your face? Are they distracted by boobs, is that it?

So what do you do with a monkey? Keep still or scarper?

-Ah, that's nice, isn't it?

-Well, just reason with it.

How many heads has it got?

Sign language.

-Keep still.

-Yes, but not dead-still.

There's a particular open-mouthed, open-lipped...

-Like dancing? No.

-..thing that you do.

You bare your teeth.

A round mouth, bare your teeth. Round.

-Keep shaking around like that.

-That's it, that's it. Raise your eyebrows.

By the time I've done it, he's killed me.

And raise your eyebrows.

That's it. Show your teeth. Raise your eyebrows.

-What does that mean?

-IMITATES MONKEY CHATTER

-Back off!

-That's good.

-Back off!

You have monkeys, don't you?

-Yes, we have golden-handed tamarinds.

-Oh, lovely.

-You just have them round your house?

-Do they live in the house easily?

They live in the house, yeah. We don't let them out.

-Are they house-trained?

-Yes, of course.

-That's amazing.

-Yeah.

I think Jane Goodall discovered when you try and house-train a chimpanzee,

their intelligence is of a different order, and it's kind of smart but stupid.

And she had these chimpanzees

and when one pooed on the floor

of this little wooden bungalow that she had in Africa,

what she'd do is, she would make it confront its own poo,

spank it on the bottom and throw it out of the window.

-And...

-This is ground floor, yeah?

It's ground... I said "bungalow", yes.

So she did that twice and then the third time she saw one poo,

slap its own bottom and jump out of the window.

-Which is completely logical.

-That's amazing.

That's brilliant.

Thinking it had been really good, and you kind of go...

That's not dissimilar to...

My daughter's nearly four, right, and...

Save her embarrassment for future shows.

She'll be fine. I won't tell you which one. I've got twins.

-Oh, fine.

-And she's...

There's a point where they're slapping each other and fighting

and you go, "Right, get on the naughty step."

And there's a point where she's so annoyed,

that she will just slap her sister, you know, in the face or whatever,

and then go and get on the naughty step herself

and sit there with a face saying, "It was worth it."

Yeah.

That's very good. Very good.

Excellent. Cows?

Why would you need to?

Well, you say that, but more than 50 a year,

injuries caused by cows.

-Really? 50 idiots.

-Particularly calving mothers.

-They can get more aggressive than bulls.

-Fair enough, because they've...

We're afraid of bulls, but actually cows are...yeah.

But, presumably, if you're putting your arms up a cow's nunny

to pull a calf out, she's allowed to kick you in the face.

Oh, there'll be a bit of that. I don't think we're talking about that.

-No, we're talking about...

-Ramblers.

Yeah, ramblers, and what happens is, particularly dogs tease them,

the cow then gets aggressive with the dog and chases the dog

and the dog, of course, yelps back to its owner.

And then the cow will hurt the owner.

They crowd you, don't they?

And then if you fall down, you get trampled.

-Yeah.

-So get the hell out.

-So you need to scarper.

You do need to scarper, is the answer, yeah.

So, how do you get an ant to keep still?

-# Keep on hidin'. #

-Sarah?

Stop the music.

And then... Like that. That's very good.

Do you know, by any chance,

who was the first person accurately to portray small insects?

Most famously the flea, which is a very recognisable image,

which is the cover of his book Micrographia.

He was a remarkable scientist, town planner,

he has a law named after him of tension and springs.

He was a contemporary of Newton and Christopher Wren.

He was responsible for much of the town planning

after the Fire of London.

And he used a microscope to see animals,

including this little flea.

And an ant! And there it is.

He was an amazing artist, as you can see.

And he describes precisely how he got the ant to keep still.

He said, "I gave it a gill of brandy,

"which after a while knocked him down dead-drunk.

"He struggled..." Wonderful phrase this.

"..for a pretty while very much."

Sounds like he was drinking it himself there.

"For a pretty while very much till at last..."

-SLURRED:

-One for you, one for me.

-Yeah.

"Till at last, certain bubbles issuing out of its mouth,

"it ceased to move and remained moveless for a good while."

-"Remained moveless"?

-"Moveless", yeah.

Well, it was in 1665, the book came out, Micrographia.

-Well done.

-A gill, by the way, is a quarter of a pint.

Wow.

They can hold their booze, can't they, ants?

-Yeah, they can.

-Cooee!

-Eight times their body weight.

-What was this man's name?

Do you remember?

-Audience?

-"Do you remember?"! IAN:

-Robert Hooke.

Well, yeah, Ian Robinson shouted out.

Ian Robinson is a physicist. That's cheating.

But, yes, Robert Hooke.

And he suffered, as many did,

although he was one of the greatest geniuses who ever lived...

Isaac Newton was a really thoroughly ghastly man,

and he particularly hated Hooke and had him erased from history,

because anybody who wasn't Newton was just not good enough.

And all the portraits of him, he got rid of,

because he was so powerful, Newton,

because he was such a genius and so recognised around the world.

And an artist named Rita Greer has set herself the task

of creating more portraits of Hooke than there are of Newton, to redress the balance.

-Really?

-And here's one.

It's based on meticulously researched likenesses of him.

There are now 20 in the world, as opposed to 16 of Newton.

So Hooke has won, though, obviously, Newton was a truly great man.

So Newton did this, did he? He was a bit of a wrong'un?

-I'm afraid he was.

-A terrible egomaniac.

-Total egomaniac.

-Gravity, see, it goes to your head.

Yeah. Gravity goes to your head!

He looks like he's had a few gills of whisky there, doesn't he?

He does a bit, doesn't he? He's a little...bleugh.

He doesn't look as if he's had much sun.

SLURRED: "Look, there's two little ants meeting in a pub."

"Hello!" "Would you like a brandy?"

"Arghhhh."

"I love you." "No, I love YOU."

Well, there you go.

On the subject of keeping still, how hard is it to be a nude model?

LAUGHTER

Don't you remember that, Alan?

-I do not remember that.

-Oh, that was a good night.

It's the woman second from the left

who seems to be, uh, most enjoying the view.

-The one with the orange scarf.

-Was it cold? Were you being...?

She's going to need a bigger pad than that, I tell you.

They're all just drawing sections of you, aren't they?

"I'll do the helmet."

"Yeah. Oh, you're all right there, yeah."

Were you being funny there, or...?

-That's not really him.

-Oh, it's not real? Oh!

No, we cleverly made it up.

-I assumed...

-Bless you.

..that you would be funny naked. I'm sorry, Alan.

You assumed he'd be funny naked?

Well, that's what I can see. I'm sorry.

-Yes. You say what you see.

-Yeah.

But there is actually a Register of Artists' Models -

"RAM" - that looks after the interests of models,

and it thinks the idea that life modelling is a breeze is completely wrong.

To keep still for a long while is very, very hard.

-You get pins and needles and cramp.

-Yeah.

-Pins and needles, cramp.

You have to do one thing at a time.

You start with short poses called "gestures" -

bold action-oriented poses - which are used as a warm-up.

You go two minutes, then five minutes

and then eventually 30-plus.

There's more work for women than men.

The classes prefer them

and there are more of them in the market, it appears.

And in 1998, a man called George Bond

took Northampton College to an industrial tribunal,

claiming that he was not being employed on the basis of his gender

and that it was sexual discrimination.

In fact, they were able to demonstrate that it was personal,

and the reason was he couldn't hold a pose, he fidgeted,

went to the loo too often, had a background in erotic films,

which troubled the A-level students,

particularly one 16-year-old at whom he winked when she was drawing.

-What with? What did he wink with?

-They claimed he was...

Oh, don't say that!

-"What did he wink with?!"

-GROANING AND LAUGHTER

My little eye.

Having said that, he explained to them

that he didn't have glasses so he was squinting,

but he did also improvise a pose which involved sticking his bottom into the air,

which was described by some students as giving "an unfortunate view".

-So...

-They didn't want him. They didn't want him there.

-They didn't want to draw him.

-They just didn't want George there.

-Get out, George.

-So he lost the case.

But there are contentious issues

described by the Register of Artists' Models,

and the contentious issues include

raids on studios by amusing non-art students

who just want to see a nudey person.

-Ah, yes.

-Which is very silly.

A warning against passing window cleaners.

And their policy is to suspend any member -

that's an odd way of phrasing it -

who gets an erection during a sitting.

-When I say "Suspend any member"...

-"Suspend a member".

-I mean...

-Right, OK, yeah.

-From a great height.

You'd suspend yourself, wouldn't you?

..are forced out of the Register.

You'd have to say, "All right, I'll get my coat."

-Right, yeah.

-And then just hang it over the...

Is that like being struck off, then, is it?

Yes. Basically, it is, yeah.

You can't ever be a nude model if you can't control yourself.

-# Keep on moving... #

-How did you do that?!

BILL: How are you doing that?!

-ALAN:

-You're suspended! Out!

That's why I'm banned from RAM.

-Yeah.

-That was very impressive.

That's with his clothes on as well.

# Keep on moving... #

Let's give him a gill of brandy and see...

An AA Gill of brandy! Absolutely.

Well, there you are, that's RAM.

Now, Little Bo Peep keeps lesbian sheep,

but doesn't know how to find them. Can you help? Oh, look at that.

-Lesbian sheep.

-Right.

-How can you tell if sheep are lesbian?

Well...

-By their conduct.

-Yes.

Trouble is, you can't. You can with so many species.

Can't you...just with the wafts of k.d. lang coming from the field?

-k.d. lamb!

-Is it something to do with sex?

-Well, no, the funny thing is, ewes just stand still.

-If they want sex?

So you can't tell if sheep are lesbians,

and yet, this is also true.

We have had a huge problem with lesbian sheep.

What? It's not my fault.

-We have. How did this happen?

-Well, they're not producing any lambs?

No, they were.

But you can't tell whether a sheep's lesbian or not.

-So the rams don't know?

-Think of the word.

-Lesbian, sheep.

-It has two meanings.

-Problem.

-One is sapphic, preferring their own kind, female, gay, homosexual.

-Yeah.

-The other is from the island of...

-Lesbos.

-Yes.

Sheep from the island of Lesbos were transported around Europe and

they had foot and mouth disease,

and they communicated it all around Europe.

So Lesbian sheep were responsible for an outbreak in 1994.

Well, you needed Jonathan Creek to get that one, I'm afraid.

There you are. So that's pretty exciting, isn't it?

No, it's not, really.

You know how you said the lady ones just stand still if they want sex?

-Yeah.

-Do the lesbian ones stand still close together

so that they can do stuff?

-No!

-Or are they all just sparsely standing apart?

They're all waiting for someone else to make the first move.

The ram will do it, the ram will tup her, as the word is used.

Bloody rams!

Good word, tup. We don't use it as often as we should. Tup.

-JASON:

-I've never heard it before.

No. I know what my tuppence is.

Now, on to keeping time.

When is the present?

Wow. Uh...now?

-ALARM BLARES

-No!

I knew it!

No, unfortunately, it was about 70 milliseconds ago.

We're always 70 milliseconds behind.

They were good times, man.

The time taken between light hitting the eye and being processed

is about 70 milliseconds.

-Which you may say isn't much.

-So is it then, then?

It's then, exactly.

But if, at a reasonably mild 85 miles per hour,

a cricket ball or tennis ball, that would be 10 feet.

So you really have to anticipate where the ball...

-So you're seeing the ball in the future?

-Yeah.

And you have to predict the future.

Yeah, you have to predict where it will be.

Because your brain won't see it until it's already passed.

-So you have to just...

-You guess it'll be there.

You're used to the course it's taken,

you can see it from the racket or the bowler's arm,

but you don't have time physically to see the ball with your eye.

It's passed you. Bowlers bowl up to 100 miles an hour.

-Tennis serves are way faster.

-Yes.

Researchers at the University of Tokyo

have proved how we are indeed incapable of this kind of speed

by building a robotic hand that can play Paper Scissors Stone

and always beat a human being.

Because it can read our gestures quicker than we can read them.

Its processing is so much faster than ours.

We've got a bit of VT of this. Here we go.

You've hardly got time to see it yourself, it's so quick.

It wins 100% of the time.

-It won't beat me.

-That's the scissors...

We didn't have a telly for ten years growing up. I'm brilliant at that game.

But you have to... It just reads your hand movement before...

Even so, Stephen. I think I could take it.

What if your hand was underneath the table

and then you brought it out?

Cos it hasn't seen you do it then. So you could beat it.

So if you cheated, it would... Yeah.

-It's not cheating, if you're shy or something.

-That's not how the game is played.

Somebody's playing Rock Paper Scissors with a robot.

That's the future, isn't it, really?

It's how it all begins, it's how Skynet first adapted the cyborg.

-Really?

-Yeah! It starts with chess, games.

A robot, we've sent him back from the future to play Rock Paper Scissors!

It's absolutely astonishing, it is beating our own brain,

which is the most extraordinary thing we know in the universe,

at perception and time and reflex, in a small way.

I played chess against a computer on a flight.

Oh, yeah?

And it turns out I'm rubbish at chess.

After a few games, I'd lost every one,

the computer started taking its king out

and putting it right in the middle of the board...

..completely on its own,

and then I would really struggle to pin it down.

Oh, no!

I did, I did win a couple of games, it was immensely satisfying.

They're so good, chess programmes now, it's frightening.

But I mean, you know, in terms of human achievements,

poetry, music, suchlike...

-Oh, yes.

-They're way behind.

-Yes, of course.

-And they haven't passed what's called

the Turing test, which is the most important thing for a machine.

Alan Turing posited a test which was whether or not you could conduct a conversation

with an artificial machine in such a way

that you wouldn't know it was an artificial machine.

And if it passes that stage,

that really is a moment in computer development.

It's quite scary then. Then you've got a consciousness...

What sort of questions would you ask?

-To check it?

-Are you a machine?

Yeah, that's going to help!

-That's right.

-And when it goes...

-ROBOTICALLY:

-"No!" Ohhh...

Let's just assume that it won't be that easy!

If it lies to win, that really would be the next step of evolution.

What's your happiest memory? Things like that.

ROBOTIC VOICE: Just now.

That would give it away!

Switching on this morning.

Oh, it's a beautiful moment. No, I live in the moment.

"Well, 17 milliseconds before the moment."

Anyway, here's a test to show you how easy it is to keep

an image in your head.

This is the departure board at Grand Central Station in New York,

try and memorise it. All right?

Now, the question is, when does the next train to White Plains leave?

12.25.

SIREN

-12.48?

-No, it's really mean of me.

-Oh...

-In Grand Central Station,

all trains depart a minute after the time given.

Well, that's... I was right!

But you had to know that in Grand Central Station they have a minute's

gate time to allow you, without accidents, not to have to run...

I know, it's so unfair on you. I'm really sorry!

You memorised it so well. I feel like such a pig.

Did you secretly flick a V?

-Yes, I totally did.

-You totally did!

-Anyway, sorry, yes, they have this gate time.

-They don't do that here.

-Quite the reverse, exactly.

-It's impossible.

-Yeah.

The service is now leaving.

My wife was pregnant, coming down the steps, and they shut the door.

I said, "There's my wife there. She's pregnant.

"Can you wait just 19 seconds?"

Because it was before the time the train was supposed to go. "No."

-Seriously? You missed the train?

-They shut the doors.

-They shut the doors.

-You could have just left her.

-She can get the next one.

-"Darling, you take the next one."

-Oh, fine.

-Here's an interesting thing. Have you been to India?

-Yes.

Do you remember India's time difference from us?

Five or six hours.

It's actually five-and-a-half hours.

But there is a very interesting thing

about a five-and-a-half hour difference.

You'd think, "Oh, God, how am I going to work out the difference?"

Old Aggers put me onto this, the cricket commentator,

because he's often in India.

He said, "This is what you want to do, old boy, take your watch."

So here we are, let's say it's 9:05 in England.

Right?

-If you turn the watch upside down, you get...

-2:35.

Yeah. And that's the time it is five-and-a-half hours ahead.

-So it's just the watch upside down.

-Mine's digital.

There you are, you see?

-Well, that's useless!

-It's 8:15.

-Oh, that's hopeless, I'm afraid.

But with an analogue watch, as you can see, it works.

-That's brilliant.

-It's really neat, isn't it?

-Clever.

-Well neat.

Neaty, neat, neat. Why do clocks go clockwise?

Why do they go that way round?

-Because that's the way we see things, isn't it?

-Not necessarily.

-Because it's forward.

-There's a particular reason.

And it's in the Northern Hemisphere, that's how sundials,

sun moves that way round.

So we're just used to the shadow from the gnomon of the sundial.

Now a question about keeping quiet.

-SOFTLY:

-How quiet is the quietest place in the world?

-Well quiet.

-Well quiet.

Is it...? There's an anechoic chamber somewhere in America.

There is. There's one in Britain too.

-And there's one here?

-Yeah.

Which is... It's completely devoid of all sound.

-And it sort of absorbs sound when you go in it.

-That's right.

It's at the University of Salford,

and it is minus 12.4 decibels.

As you can see there,

it's got all these sort of wedges and things to stop any kind of echoing.

Actually there's a hemi-anechoic chamber,

with a reverberation chamber as well,

in the National Physical Laboratory,

and I went there and I recorded myself popping a balloon,

first in the reverberation chamber

and then in the hemi-anechoic chamber,

which is slightly less than a full anechoic,

but it's still pretty bloody amaze-oid.

Did I just say "amaze-oid"? How tragic.

You really did.

Oh, God, I'm sad. Hang on.

-ECHOING RECORDING OF STEPHEN:

-'I am in the reverberation chamber.

'It's extraordinary.

'Wow!

'Arrgh! I'm going to burst the balloon now.'

EXTENDED ECHOING POP

-So remember that.

-Right. That's the balloon.

That's the reverberation chamber. OK, it's still going.

-'Gee, that was fantastic!'

-LAUGHTER

'Just an ordinary ickle balloon!'

You were off your face in there, weren't you?

-ECHOLESS RECORDING:

-'And now I am in a hemi-anechoic chamber.

-'Here we go. Three, two, one.'

-SHARP POP

Isn't that incredible?

'It's a dead flat sound. How exciting is that?'

-There we are. That's it.

-That is amazing.

Thank you. Thank you to the National Physical Laboratory.

So, who has the world's biggest mouth?

-Blue whale.

-Oh!

SIREN BLARES

It wouldn't be QI, would it, Alan?

Oh, the strange thing is, you're so close.

The blue whale's the biggest animal on earth that's ever been.

The second-biggest has the biggest mouth, oddly enough.

Another whale? A different sort of whale?

It's another whale, yes. It's usually found in the Arctic.

-Oh, right.

-Under the ice pack.

It's a hugely slow animal, beautiful.

One was found recently that had an 1870s harpoon in it.

It was still alive. They live a very long time.

-Good gosh.

-Huge things.

They've got a lovely smile on their face that is curved, bit like a bow.

So they're known as...?

Bowhead whales.

Aren't they marvellous?

Beautiful. The idea of killing them is just...

But they have the most blubber of any whale.

-That's probably why he's not so happy.

-Yeah.

The bowhead has a unique organ in its mouth.

There's really nothing quite like it.

The only thing you could say is like it, frankly...

Those are its baleen plates -

the sort of hairy feathery bits that it sieves food with.

-Wow.

-But the bit underneath it isn't a tongue, it's actually more like a penis.

-I know that sounds silly, but it's...

-Sounds great.

Well, yes...

I was supposed to just think that, sorry.

It's fine.

It is a sort of material.

I mean, a fleshy material that engorges...

..it engorges with blood and becomes absolutely huge with blood.

-Erect.

-And erect, in its mouth.

-Yes.

And it cools it, because it takes all the blood right up

and it pushes it out and gets the water over it.

So when it overheats, all this water goes...

and all its blood is in its sort of mouth cock,

if you can call it that.

-We SHALL call it that.

-The way of cooling the mouth.

SARAH CACKLES

The way of cooling its brain.

It's the corpus cavernosum maxillaris, is its proper name.

-"Mouth cock".

-But it's a tissue...

-"Mouth cock."

It opens the mouth, the Arctic water flows in.

-Mouth organ.

-Cools the organ.

-Yeah.

-"Mouth organ"! That's much better.

-There you go.

And that cools its brain.

So it's a kind of 12-foot-long penis in its mouth.

12-foot-long, I mean, it's like a lamp post in length.

I don't think he's a member of the RAM society.

No, I don't think he is.

-So it's like its own thermostat, then, really. So it's...

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-Absolutely, a cooling system.

-Oh, OK.

So, anyway, there's your bowhead whale.

Now, that brings us to the business of the scores.

Oh, I say, damn, it's close.

In first place, with minus 7, it's Bill Bailey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-And second-equal, with minus 9, it's Jason and Sarah.

-Oh, wow!

Fourth place, with minus 10, is the audience!

Yes!

But our runaway loser, with minus 27, is Alan Davies.

Very good. Good work.

So, it's thanks from Sarah, Jason, Bill, Alan and me.

You all keep in touch now, you hear? Goodbye.