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APPLAUSE | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
Gooooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening | 0:00:30 | 0:00:35 | |
and welcome to QI, for a show that is unashamedly kinky. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:41 | |
Joining me on the top shelf at the newsagent's tonight are... | 0:00:41 | 0:00:45 | |
dominatrix Janet Street-Porter. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:48 | 0:00:49 | |
Nun-on-the-run Sandi Toksvig. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:53 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:53 | 0:00:56 | |
Naughty vicar Johnny Vegas. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:00 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:00 | 0:01:03 | |
And kinky Tinky Winky, Alan Davies. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:08 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:08 | 0:01:10 | |
Right, but before we get down to business, I want you all to give me the horn. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:16 | |
Janet goes... | 0:01:16 | 0:01:17 | |
BUZZER: You've been a very naughty boy! | 0:01:17 | 0:01:21 | |
Sandi goes... | 0:01:22 | 0:01:23 | |
WHIP CRACKS | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
Johnny goes... | 0:01:26 | 0:01:27 | |
SCREAM | 0:01:27 | 0:01:29 | |
And Alan goes... | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
MUSIC: "Match Of The Day Theme" | 0:01:32 | 0:01:36 | |
Whatever floats your boat. Now, on with our first question. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:39 | |
Describe the technique of the world's greatest kisser. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:42 | |
-Was there a contest? -There was. -An actual winner? | 0:01:42 | 0:01:45 | |
-There was, and there was a winner. Yeah. -Was it a human, or an animal? | 0:01:45 | 0:01:49 | |
It was a human. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
Have you been kissed by an animal, ever? Janet? | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
Mmmmm... A donkey, maybe. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
-I've kissed a... -But only in a non-sexual... -You didn't know? | 0:01:56 | 0:02:00 | |
Do you know, a tiny, tiny bit of bile came up in the back of my throat. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:05 | |
This was a competition, and as you might imagine, | 0:02:05 | 0:02:09 | |
if cliche were piled upon cliche, which nationality would win? | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
-Scandinavia? -The Italians. Italian. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
The Scandinavians, the Italians. No, the... | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
-The French? -Les Francais. Oui. -Oh, it was the French. -It was the Francais. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
-I'm thinking it's the Scottish. -Have you found them particularly good osculators? | 0:02:20 | 0:02:25 | |
No, I just did a quick survey in my head. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
And I could only remember four countries. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
And it certainly wasn't the Australians. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
No. No. No. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
His name was Andre Brule, | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
he was a famous actor in the first part of the 20th century. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
A rather stylish actor. And there was a competition. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
It was just after the First World War, and it was in Biarritz. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
80 participants as far away as Russia and America took part. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:51 | |
And American kisses were described as...? Flaccid. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:55 | |
-Oh. -I would have said forceful. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
Forceful, no, you would have thought. Russians were eruptive. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:02 | |
Italians - burning, which you'd think was good. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:05 | |
Ardent is another word for burning, ardent kisses. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:08 | |
I'm still on "erupting" kisses, what are those like? | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
-I've no idea. Volcanic. -Yes. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
That was the bit of sick in the back of your throat. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
That's not where you think you're getting a normal kiss | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
and they stick their tongue out and you weren't expecting it? | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
Oh, that can happen, yeah, I know. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
Or you kiss something and you put your hands up and you shout, "Bingo!" | 0:03:24 | 0:03:28 | |
-But I'm afraid the word that was described for English kisses is almost all too predictable. -Cheap. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:33 | |
Oh, wet. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
-Frigid. -Wet. -Moist. -Frigid? -Tepid. -Tepid. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:41 | |
GROANING | 0:03:41 | 0:03:42 | |
I know, wonderful! How disappointed as a nation we are. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:46 | |
Spanish were vampirish or "vampeerish", however you would say it. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
Vampire-like. But the winner, who, | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
although he was a Frenchman, French kisses were described as chaste. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:55 | |
-Which is most surprising. -Really? Because French kissing is... -French kissing itself is far from chaste. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:59 | |
-..is cataglysm. -It's cataclysmic. Exactly. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
-The actual word for it is "cataglysm". -Is that what they call it? | 0:04:02 | 0:04:05 | |
Yes, and it's something pigeons do, bizarrely. Who knew? | 0:04:05 | 0:04:07 | |
-When you see two pigeons billing and cooing... -Cooing. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
Yes, they're actually sticking their tongue down each other's... | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
-Not swapping pigeon milk, which is...? -No, it's better to say to somebody | 0:04:13 | 0:04:17 | |
if you want a French kiss, "Do you mind if we do a bit of catagylsm?" | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
-They're bound to say yes, because they've no idea what it is. -You may be thinking of cataglottism? | 0:04:19 | 0:04:24 | |
-Cataglottism! -Which is the tongue, the glot. Cataclysm is a disaster. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:27 | |
-No, I think you misheard me, it's my Danish accent. -Oh, I see, right! Cataglottism. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:31 | |
Can I ask Sandi a question about the pigeons? | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
-Yes. -Do they have sex through their mouths? | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
-No, no, no, it's... -Well, how do they have sex, just by the way? | 0:04:36 | 0:04:39 | |
-The normal way. -In the normal way, they have a... | 0:04:39 | 0:04:41 | |
The normal way, yes, is this news to you? | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
I know you've been married a few times, but you don't have children, do you? | 0:04:43 | 0:04:48 | |
No, I don't have children, but I've never had sex with a pigeon | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
-either, I just couldn't see which bit... -Can I just say that... | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
Call yourself a Londoner! | 0:04:53 | 0:04:57 | |
The pleasure of Janet questioning two homosexuals on this subject is just a... | 0:04:57 | 0:05:01 | |
-Yes, it's true. -I'd love to see you do a nature show. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
"They're doing it! They're doing it!" No, they're feeding. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
Do you have any familiarity with anything kinky, though? | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
Yeah, I once had a boyfriend who said he wanted me to tie him up | 0:05:09 | 0:05:14 | |
and be a dominatrix, and he booked a suite in a hotel | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
and ordered a load of drinks, | 0:05:17 | 0:05:20 | |
and just as the butler brought the drinks, he got out a dildo and | 0:05:20 | 0:05:24 | |
a pair of handcuffs, so I had to sit on both sex toys at the same time. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:29 | |
-Oh, my God! -Anyway... -Sit on the handcuffs? | 0:05:29 | 0:05:32 | |
I sat on everything! I didn't want me to be associated with all this hardware. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:36 | |
-No. Oh, to sit on them to hide them. Sorry. -Yes! | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:39 | 0:05:43 | |
Sorry. Were they furry handcuffs, the...? | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
No, they were normal ones, and in the morning when he was asleep, | 0:05:47 | 0:05:50 | |
-I just handcuffed his foot to the end of the bed and left. -Wow! | 0:05:50 | 0:05:54 | |
You shouldn't have made him finish your book first. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:58 | |
Hello? | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
-Is it just men in the kissing competition? -Yes, it was. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:04 | |
-I suppose they wouldn't have had women showing off their kissing technique. -No. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
-That would have been thought to be appalling. -Not in those days, exactly. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:11 | |
-So what was he kissing, the back of his hand? -No, women, but HE was kissing THEM, it wasn't | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
-a mutual kiss, if you see what I mean. -Oh. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
He GAVE them kisses. The idea was, he would grab their waist and push himself down. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
The whole thing was almost like a sort of ballet dance. It was not about the actual sort of long snog, | 0:06:20 | 0:06:25 | |
it was about the elegance with which you did it. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
And that's where he won his awards. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
And there's a very famous photograph, | 0:06:29 | 0:06:30 | |
you probably know, of a similar kiss, which is | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
amazingly evocative of a great victory, VJ Day. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
-Oh, the one with the sailor and the... -The sailor and the woman in New York, which is hugely famous. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:41 | |
And in 2012, that recently, they were reunited. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
They're both alive, her name is Greta Friedman. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:48 | |
And he is George Mendonsa. They had never met. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
He just simply saw her in the street, swooped her up and | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
kissed her and the photographer got virtually the photograph of the... | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
-Didn't she rather famously slap him afterwards? -She was not pleased at all, no. Absolutely. -No. | 0:06:57 | 0:07:02 | |
But when they had a reunion in 2012, they were very friendly, and she realised it was a fabulous moment. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:06 | |
-He was swept up in the joy of VJ Day. -So did they shag? | 0:07:06 | 0:07:09 | |
I think not, if she slapped him afterwards, although you probably... | 0:07:11 | 0:07:14 | |
-No, I mean on the reunion. -No, that doesn't mean... | 0:07:14 | 0:07:16 | |
-On the reunion! -That's my point. You know, when there's no, you know, Victory-anywhere-day | 0:07:16 | 0:07:23 | |
and you're just speed-dating and you do that. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
Then you're not likely to be thanked. Yes. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
No, you're likely to end up in a court with Injuries 4U lawyers. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:31 | |
Yeah, exactly. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:32 | |
According to Theocritus in the city of Megara, | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
they had a version of the Olympic Games where there was a kissing competition, | 0:07:34 | 0:07:39 | |
which was only between boys. Yeah, I know. I know. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:42 | |
-"Too late," they cry. -They had to overpower one another. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:44 | |
-No, no, it was... -Back to the Greco-Roman snogging. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:48 | |
No, it's those who so sweetliest presses lip upon lip. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
Sweetliest. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
-If they'd had that in the Olympics, I'd have watched. -Yes! | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
And they returned laden with garlands for their mothers. | 0:07:56 | 0:07:59 | |
So, if you win the boys' kissing competition, you get garlands, | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
which interestingly, in Greek, is "stefan" - Stephen. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
Just thought I'd mention that. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:07 | |
That's what my name means, and you give your mother | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
lots of flowers, saying, "I won the kissing competition with boys." | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
And she goes, "Darling, we have to talk." | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
"Just don't tell your father." So there you go. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
The world's greatest kisser was a French actor named Andre Brule, | 0:08:19 | 0:08:23 | |
but who was the most shocking kisser of all time? | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
-Oh! -Oh, hello. There we've got two, they're probably called... | 0:08:25 | 0:08:29 | |
-Britney Spears and Madonna. -Madonna. | 0:08:29 | 0:08:30 | |
That is, you can just see, is what pigeons do. That's... | 0:08:30 | 0:08:34 | |
Oh, yes, yeah. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:36 | |
There's only one marshmallow left. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
I've only ever had one screen kiss, and it was with the wonderful American comic Mike McShane. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:49 | |
-Oh, yes, terrific. -Mike McShane. -You did a sitcom. -We did a sitcom together. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
He knew I was very nervous about the kiss, because I wanted it | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
to be...I didn't want it to be comic, I wanted it to be real. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
There's always that worry when you're doing a comedy. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
And he knew this and so I was very anxious, | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
and the very first time he leant down and he kissed me and passed me an anchovy with his tongue! | 0:09:02 | 0:09:06 | |
I was less nervous after that. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
Yeah, I had a film where I had to kiss Jude Law | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
and Ioan Gruffudd, it was awful. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
And they were nude. Oh, God! Misery. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:22 | |
But anyway, shocking kisses, that's... | 0:09:22 | 0:09:24 | |
I suppose shocks some people because it's lesbiotic, but... | 0:09:24 | 0:09:28 | |
-"Lesbiotic"? -Well, yes. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
I must go home and give the good news. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
-They had a shocking kiss in Star Trek. -Really? | 0:09:35 | 0:09:39 | |
There's an episode where Captain Kirk kisses Uhura, Lieutenant Uhura. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:44 | |
-So it's interracial. -Oh, very shocking. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
-And that was not thought to go well in the southern affiliates. -Right. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:52 | |
So they shot it so that one of them had their back to camera. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:55 | |
You knew they were kissing but you couldn't actually see it | 0:09:55 | 0:09:59 | |
just in case down south they didn't kick off. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
-So are we talking about a screen kiss, or are we talking...? -An electric shock. | 0:10:04 | 0:10:08 | |
-Thank you, Alan. -Is it something electrical to do with it? -Yes. The Venus Electrificata. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:12 | |
It's one of those things, whenever you invent a new technology, | 0:10:12 | 0:10:15 | |
people experiment with it in extraordinary ways, | 0:10:15 | 0:10:18 | |
and of course electricity, when the power to generate electricity | 0:10:18 | 0:10:21 | |
first arrived, people tried all kinds of exciting things with it. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
And one of them was to suspend a woman such that she was not | 0:10:24 | 0:10:29 | |
earthed, and then get men who WERE earthed to kiss her, | 0:10:29 | 0:10:32 | |
and you can see, he's winding round there in order to create | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
an electric current, and you kissed them and you get a tingling feeling. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:38 | |
Well, when I was a kid, I grew up in the States, we used to have electric shock parties. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:42 | |
-You had very cheap sort of... -You put your tongue on batteries? | 0:10:42 | 0:10:44 | |
No, you had cheap nylon carpet and we'd turn the lights out | 0:10:44 | 0:10:47 | |
and everybody would stand and rub their feet on the carpet, and then go, "Now!" | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
And you'd all kiss and there'd be a little spark. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
Yes, we used to do that. At prep school, we had an area which | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
was cut off for the ponies to graze, with an electric fence. Sorry. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:58 | |
You'd grab the electric fence and the shock would go through, | 0:10:59 | 0:11:03 | |
like a wave, through the whole line of us. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
It was kind of rather fun. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:07 | |
There was also Stephen Gray and his amazing "orphan boy", | 0:11:07 | 0:11:11 | |
who he hung down, and put a current through him. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:16 | |
And the current attracted various objects, | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
and this became so popular, he actually made a kit. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:22 | |
You had to provide your own boy, but... | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
But otherwise you had the kit with various glass rods | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
and things like that, that the electricity would pick up. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:32 | |
But as with all new inventions of any kind, people are going to try...? | 0:11:32 | 0:11:37 | |
-Electric cock. -Yes. | 0:11:37 | 0:11:39 | |
And it was the discoverer of ultraviolet light, Johann Ritter, | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
decided he would try...in the early days there was what was known as | 0:11:42 | 0:11:46 | |
a voltaic pile, ie a battery, and he basically tried it on his groin. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:52 | |
And he described it, | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
"His organ began in a state of medium swelling." | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
What we call a semi, I guess. | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
"He wrapped it in a piece of cloth," I hope you're taking notes at home, | 0:12:01 | 0:12:05 | |
"moistened with lukewarm milk," that's lukewarm. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:08 | |
Try, poke your elbow in it and if it doesn't burn and it's not cold, like with a baby's bath. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:12 | |
OK, you're following? You're taking notes, I'm doing it slow enough. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:15 | |
"Then delicately you touch the wire from the positive pole to the | 0:12:15 | 0:12:18 | |
"cloth and with the other hand, you close the circuit. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:22 | |
"A shock jolted him, followed by a pleasant tingling. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:26 | |
"The swelling continued. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
"Warmth spread from his groin and then finally, consummation." | 0:12:31 | 0:12:37 | |
What kind of sex was he having?! | 0:12:37 | 0:12:39 | |
-Electric sex. -Yeah, but I mean before that. -Oh, before that! | 0:12:39 | 0:12:43 | |
"You're a lovely person, it's not you, it's me. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:46 | |
"I just like dipping me testicles in warm milk | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
"and then running a wire from me because... No! No! It's great. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:53 | |
"Christmas was fantastic, | 0:12:53 | 0:12:55 | |
"but this might spoil it for the rest of the family." | 0:12:55 | 0:12:57 | |
-Aren't you going to do a display for us? -I'm not going to do a display! | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
-Please! -I thought you were going to say "demonstration". | 0:13:04 | 0:13:07 | |
Boil a kettle and throw it on your genitals. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:11 | |
Don't try this at home. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:14 | |
You're sitting in your house and the lights start flickering | 0:13:16 | 0:13:19 | |
-and you know he's at it next door with the milk cloth. -Yes! | 0:13:19 | 0:13:23 | |
I mean, I'm sorry, but... | 0:13:26 | 0:13:27 | |
Channel 5's gone off, it'll be him next door with the milk cloth. | 0:13:27 | 0:13:31 | |
You know how every Christmas they always say, | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
when all the lights go down, and you can't cook your turkey, it's because we're all watching telly. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:39 | |
It's not, because all over Britain people are... | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
-Are trying lukewarm milk on their... -They've got things, milk on their willies. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:45 | |
-It's all going on. -Yes? -I shared a dressing room for a while with a very short actor, | 0:13:45 | 0:13:49 | |
and I came into the dressing room one evening. He wasn't expecting me, | 0:13:49 | 0:13:52 | |
he was completely naked and he was trying to get his entire genitalia up into the basin. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:56 | |
I said, "What are you doing?" He said, "I thought it was a good idea, I thought it was a good idea." | 0:13:56 | 0:14:00 | |
I said, "What?" I'd got some muscle heat-rub. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
-Ow! -He thought, "Well, it feels so nice on your leg..." | 0:14:02 | 0:14:06 | |
It burns! The men are wincing already in the audience. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:09 | |
Ah. I'm sure Alan has many similar stories to tell. | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
Here's a really weird one. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:16 | |
In 2005, a boy was admitted to hospital with two neodymium magnets, | 0:14:16 | 0:14:21 | |
the strongest permanent magnets known to us, | 0:14:21 | 0:14:25 | |
trapping a fold, shall we say, of his penis. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
He claimed that he had fallen down, | 0:14:28 | 0:14:31 | |
or they had fallen down his trousers while he was playing with them. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:35 | |
But they were so strong that they didn't know what to do. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
Magnets can be demagnetized by heating them | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
to a very high temperature, which wouldn't be very kind. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:43 | |
Or they could be hammered apart. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
So they were faced with a real medical problem, | 0:14:45 | 0:14:48 | |
to save this boy's future, as it were. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:50 | |
So they tried alternative solutions, such as bigger magnets. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:54 | |
In the end they managed to remove them by "shearing the magnets away from each other, moving them | 0:14:54 | 0:14:58 | |
"perpendicular to the force of attraction." | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
So, don't try those magnets at home. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:04 | |
Anyway, let's move on. What's going on here? | 0:15:04 | 0:15:08 | |
-Oh, are they kissing fish? -They're not...are they not aware there's a piece of glass? | 0:15:09 | 0:15:13 | |
-Kissing fish? -They're fighting. -Are they fighting? -They're fighting. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:16 | |
-They're called kissing fish because it's what it looks like. -That may well be, but they don't kiss. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:21 | |
-But they're not kissing, they're fighting. -Exactly right. Gourami is their name. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:25 | |
They don't kill each other by doing that, but one will get knackered and sometimes dies of exhaustion. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:29 | |
It's never utterly fatal. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:30 | |
It looks like the end of a balloon, doesn't it? | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
It does, doesn't it? It's just like the end of a balloon. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
And what other fighting fish do we know? | 0:15:36 | 0:15:38 | |
-Oh, the... -The what-y fighting fish? | 0:15:38 | 0:15:40 | |
Well, they call them Samurai fighting fish, but... | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
Not Samurai, no. Siamese fighting fish. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:47 | |
Very popular, they're used like cock fighting as a sport. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
They keep each separate in a little, just alone in a tank | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
so it doesn't waste its energy by seeing another male. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
There's another version and they have little swords. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
Well, they're really vicious fighters, | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
and the one that loses just flees for its life, basically, | 0:16:01 | 0:16:04 | |
but you bet on them, essentially, it's like cock fighting used to be. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:07 | |
They're not the fish that eat all that spare skin | 0:16:07 | 0:16:10 | |
-off your feet, are they? -Oh, supposedly, that's right. -Have you done that, Janet? | 0:16:10 | 0:16:14 | |
-Have you done that? -No, I'm a bit worried that if I put my feet in hot water with the little fish... | 0:16:14 | 0:16:18 | |
This is for pedicures, where they put these tiny fish in, and they're supposed to nibble your dead skin. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:22 | |
I'd be more worried that they didn't want my feet. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
-Yes, that would be such an insult. -You put your feet in and they all go for the side again. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:29 | |
Ugh! | 0:16:29 | 0:16:31 | |
And get little mouth washes. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:33 | 0:16:37 | |
I've done it. At first it's really strange, | 0:16:37 | 0:16:40 | |
and then when you get used to it, | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
-what's stranger is 15 people filming you. -Ah. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
-Whilst you've got your feet in a tank going, "Ooh". -You did it on a TV thing did you? | 0:16:45 | 0:16:49 | |
No, no, I just did it in a shopping centre. | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
-And 15 passers-by decided... -Yeah, just went, "Oh, look..." -There's Johnny Vegas having his feet... | 0:16:53 | 0:16:58 | |
"There's that Johnny Vegas getting off on putting his feet in water." | 0:16:58 | 0:17:02 | |
Yeah. They have a lung-like organ in their bodies, these fighting fish. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:06 | |
Which means that they can breathe air. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:09 | |
And actually, if we had enough supersaturated water with oxygen, | 0:17:09 | 0:17:14 | |
we would be able to breathe water. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:16 | |
And some people believe this is the future of the human race, | 0:17:16 | 0:17:18 | |
you know, for diving and space travel, | 0:17:18 | 0:17:20 | |
and things like that, that we actually breathe water. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
You do know after this I'm going to go home and drown in the bath, | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
-don't you? -No, don't! I'm going to write out a list... | 0:17:26 | 0:17:29 | |
I take in bits of what you say to me and then guarantee my family | 0:17:29 | 0:17:34 | |
it's safe, "Stephen said I can breathe underwater." | 0:17:34 | 0:17:38 | |
There are certain earlier things... | 0:17:38 | 0:17:40 | |
I am the future! | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
There are some earlier things I've recommended that you can | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
certainly do, but not the breathing underwater. But the lukewarm milk is fine, you can try that. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:50 | |
-Yeah. -I'd rather... | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
I'd rather just drink it. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
What?! Oh, the milk. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:57 | |
Right. Sorry. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:00 | |
God, yes, I understand. So, good. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
When gourami appear to be kissing, they're actually fighting. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
What's so attractive about ordinary people? | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
Not the movie, which is a very fine movie, of course. Mary Tyler Moore. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
It's them massive cars they drive, the... Buses. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:16 | |
Ordinary people drive buses. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
-What, you mean ordinary people are on buses? -Yeah. -Is it symmetry? | 0:18:18 | 0:18:22 | |
Well, it's not quite symmetry, this is known as koinophilia, | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
and it seems that if you take two not very good-looking people | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
and merge their image, people are more likely to be attracted to them. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:33 | |
And Galton, who was a famous criminologist and was interested in the appearance of criminals, thought | 0:18:33 | 0:18:37 | |
he would try and find the absolute criminal type by taking photographs | 0:18:37 | 0:18:40 | |
of criminals and merging them and merging them, and he was astonished | 0:18:40 | 0:18:44 | |
to find the more he did so, the more pleasant they appeared to be. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
So you average-out people's looks | 0:18:47 | 0:18:50 | |
and we are more attracted to that, it seems. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:52 | |
We've actually done a little merge of some of our friends | 0:18:52 | 0:18:55 | |
around the table, just to show you how attractive you look | 0:18:55 | 0:18:57 | |
when you put them together. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
-Ta da! -Oh, yeah! | 0:19:00 | 0:19:01 | |
It's Jean from Tenerife. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:06 | |
Oh, no, we look like a tennis player. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:09 | |
You do look like a tennis player, with an open piano lid. | 0:19:09 | 0:19:12 | |
It looks very nice. And let's try the other two. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:15 | |
Oh! Oh! | 0:19:18 | 0:19:20 | |
-Serial killer! -Let's not have children. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:28 | |
-The eyes... -Police are currently looking for... | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
There's something a bit odd about the eyes there. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:33 | |
But it's from your photograph, Johnny. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:36 | |
We just look like the biggest idiot in the world. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:39 | |
I think someone took your photograph and did one of those, | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
-you know, red-eye things. -No, it looks like someone who walked in | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
and caught his parents having sex and they didn't stop. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:48 | |
He's the sort of man the police say, "Oh, he was quiet, always kept to himself." | 0:19:48 | 0:19:52 | |
Yes, he was a loner. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:54 | |
He was just a loner, perfectly nice. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:55 | |
He used to cry a lot at Christmas. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
Well, as I say, it's called koinophilia, and it is this theory. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:02 | |
Recent research, however, from the Australian National University, | 0:20:02 | 0:20:06 | |
suggests that good-looking men earn 22% more than not good-looking men. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:10 | |
Yeah, because they're attractive because they're from Australia. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:13 | |
No, within Australia. They're all Australian. Within Australia. | 0:20:13 | 0:20:16 | |
The 22 better-looking percentage. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
A study of female golfers also found that they were better, they shot | 0:20:19 | 0:20:23 | |
lower scores, and the theory is that they were more likely to have | 0:20:23 | 0:20:27 | |
offers of sponsorship, and therefore played that much harder | 0:20:27 | 0:20:32 | |
knowing how much money they would make. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
Surely it's about confidence. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:35 | |
If you look in the mirror and you think, "Wow, I'm a dish," | 0:20:35 | 0:20:38 | |
then you get out there and think, "And I can play golf." | 0:20:38 | 0:20:40 | |
-Yeah, I suppose that's right. -But if you look in the mirror and weep... | 0:20:40 | 0:20:44 | |
-And think, "What a dog." -I look in the mirror and I like it. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:48 | |
-And so you bloody well should. -I never look in a mirror. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
My partner's much taller than me and she put them all up, | 0:20:50 | 0:20:53 | |
so I've never seen... | 0:20:53 | 0:20:54 | |
I have windows at street level and I just pretend I'm different people. | 0:20:57 | 0:21:01 | |
Just walk past at the same time and go, "Looking good today. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:06 | |
"Let's get out to that meeting quick while I've got that nice suit on." | 0:21:07 | 0:21:11 | |
Then I realise I'm wearing a bin bag. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:14 | |
Anyway, moving on. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:18 | |
Now, what would you keep in one of these? I have one. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:22 | |
There it is. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
Is it a... | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
-A penis. -Yeah, a penis is the right answer, Alan. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:30 | |
It usually is the right answer. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:32 | |
-Is it from the...? -Is it hollow? -Is it an African... | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
It's hollow, otherwise you'd have trouble keeping it in. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
-Is it from Africa, Stephen? -It's not from Africa, no. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
-Where's it from? -Croydon. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:41 | |
-It's from Papua New Guinea. -It's what anteaters wear when they're going to rob a post office. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:46 | |
"It's just that little bit of disguise...is that you, Frank?" | 0:21:49 | 0:21:53 | |
"No, no." | 0:21:53 | 0:21:54 | |
I've been to Papua New Guinea and I've seen it... | 0:21:54 | 0:21:57 | |
-They can be different sizes. -..wibbly-wobbling about. | 0:21:57 | 0:21:59 | |
They can be like this. But, oddly enough, they are not worn for status, they don't deliberately | 0:21:59 | 0:22:04 | |
have a big thick one like that in order to suggest greater manhood. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:07 | |
They often have a thin, | 0:22:07 | 0:22:08 | |
rather strangely trailing-away one with a few hairs on the end. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
Like this, exactly. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:12 | |
That would really confuse Bugs Bunny. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:15 | |
"I'm also de wabbit! | 0:22:17 | 0:22:20 | |
"Or maybe I just wannabe fwiends." | 0:22:20 | 0:22:22 | |
-What's it made of? -It's a gourd. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:24 | |
It's a penis gourd, and it's a sort of relative of the squash family, I think, isn't it? | 0:22:24 | 0:22:28 | |
-I went to Papua New Guinea and... -Amazing place. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
It's fantastic, and I was taken to this remote island on a boat | 0:22:31 | 0:22:35 | |
and then they painted me with war paint and presented me | 0:22:35 | 0:22:39 | |
with a pig and a pile of yams. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:42 | |
-Oh. -Pig, and then they did these gourd dances to me. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:45 | |
-To, really, right at you. -Right at me, yes. I was really, really impressed. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:50 | |
"They dined on yams and clams and human hams and vintage coconut wine, | 0:22:50 | 0:22:54 | |
"the taste of which was filthy, but the after-effects divine," | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
-as Noel Coward put it. -I feel just like that in the taxi rank in Wigan. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:01 | |
But amongst the tribes that have these kotekas, | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
as they're called, are, in case there's any members watching, | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
and I wouldn't want to leave you out, the Lani, the Mee, | 0:23:08 | 0:23:11 | |
the Amungme, the Kamoro, the Yali, the Damal and the Moni. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
And the government tried to make them illegal and sent them all clothing. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
And for so many generations, they'd gone without clothing | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
and been totally nude, except for these penis gourds, | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
the clothing actually gave them rashes and all they do now is | 0:23:23 | 0:23:26 | |
they use shorts sometimes to put on their heads. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:30 | |
But they continue to go naked. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:31 | |
I love the fact that when you read the tribes out, you went, | 0:23:31 | 0:23:34 | |
"You know, not to offend anyone." | 0:23:34 | 0:23:35 | |
That would be a brilliant Points Of View when they turn up. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:38 | |
Yes, it would. Yes. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:40 | |
"You missed out my tribe!" | 0:23:40 | 0:23:41 | |
Yes, in an otherwise thoroughly enjoyable programme, exactly. | 0:23:41 | 0:23:45 | |
So, why is it so difficult | 0:23:45 | 0:23:46 | |
to research the sexual habits of penguins? | 0:23:46 | 0:23:49 | |
They're very private. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:51 | |
-It's not really that they're private. -It's cold. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:55 | |
-It's cold, certainly. -Is it because it's graphic? | 0:23:55 | 0:23:58 | |
Well, it used to be very difficult to describe | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
because we used to be very prudish. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
Yes, I mean, Scott's trip to the Antarctic, Levick, | 0:24:02 | 0:24:05 | |
the scientist, wrote it all out in Greek, | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
he was so appalled by what they were up to. | 0:24:08 | 0:24:10 | |
Absolutely right. He wrote it in Ancient Greek, | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
knowing that only a gentleman would be able to translate it. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:15 | |
George Murray Levick, the naturalist on Scott's ill-fated expedition, | 0:24:15 | 0:24:18 | |
and he discovered what he called the astonishing depravity | 0:24:18 | 0:24:23 | |
of penguin behaviour, which includes rampant homosexuality. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:27 | |
Not just homosexuality, but rampant. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
To be fair, it's Antarctica - there's nothing else to do! | 0:24:29 | 0:24:34 | |
Necrophilia and, I'm sorry to say, paedophilia. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:36 | |
And on their night off, they dress as pandas. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:38 | |
It just muddies the water. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
So he wrote his account in Ancient Greek, absolutely right, | 0:24:42 | 0:24:45 | |
so that an educated English gentlemen | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
would be the only person to understand it. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:49 | |
The penguins in the London Zoo, are they doing all this | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
-in full view of school parties? -They may well be. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
-These particular species... -You've got to have... | 0:24:55 | 0:24:59 | |
You've got to go to the zoo a lot before you go, | 0:24:59 | 0:25:02 | |
"Not Kevin!" Generally, you just go, "There's penguins." | 0:25:02 | 0:25:06 | |
I'm just worried whether there's a warning outside the penguin enclosure. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:12 | |
How would you phrase that for visiting school parties? | 0:25:12 | 0:25:15 | |
"Warning! Penguin might be buggering auntie, uncle, granddad..." | 0:25:15 | 0:25:19 | |
Stephen, maybe they can't tell, right, and I just... Don't go mad, | 0:25:20 | 0:25:26 | |
the animal rights people or anyone else, but maybe if we drug them | 0:25:26 | 0:25:32 | |
and sex them and then we put tiny bikinis on some of them. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
Then the grown-up penguins | 0:25:37 | 0:25:39 | |
can tell who they should be having sex with and who they shouldn't. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:42 | |
Not bikinis. A nun's habit. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:43 | |
That would confuse the priests! | 0:25:46 | 0:25:48 | |
But the Adelie penguins were the kind this man looked at, | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
and it's now thought that his idea of necrophilia was probably wrong. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:58 | |
-They were asleep. -Yeah, they were! | 0:25:58 | 0:26:00 | |
Was it not that a female lying there dead with their eyes like that | 0:26:02 | 0:26:05 | |
looked a bit like a "come hither" look to a penguin? | 0:26:05 | 0:26:08 | |
Yes, they can't tell the difference between a frozen dead one | 0:26:08 | 0:26:11 | |
and a living one. They look as if they're coming on to you if they're lying there dead. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:15 | |
I've had that experience quite a few times. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
It's actually very hard to sex a penguin, | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
-by which I mean to determine its gender. -Give it that stick. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
Not for them. They seem to know instinctively, | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
either by smell or some other thing. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
One of the common ways of being pretty sure, | 0:26:29 | 0:26:32 | |
assuming it's a straight penguin, is muddy footprints on the female | 0:26:32 | 0:26:35 | |
tells you that it's a female because it's been walked on by the male. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:39 | |
The feminists are going to love this bit. Footprints on a woman. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:44 | |
That's for sex. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:48 | |
It's quite Almodovar, though, isn't it, if it's high heels. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
But I don't think it's high heels in the case of penguins. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:53 | |
You don't THINK? | 0:26:53 | 0:26:55 | |
I was trying to be, you know, not too assertive in my knowledge. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:02 | |
Their life is astounding. | 0:27:02 | 0:27:04 | |
I mean, you kind of think they've drawn the short straw in life. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:07 | |
The miserable cold they have to endure for so long. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:09 | |
Is it true they used to fall over during the Falklands? Is that true? | 0:27:09 | 0:27:13 | |
Lots of planes came over, which they hadn't seen before, | 0:27:13 | 0:27:17 | |
and they went, "Whoa!" | 0:27:17 | 0:27:19 | |
-It's unfortunately a myth. It's not true. -Oh, it's a lovely story. | 0:27:20 | 0:27:23 | |
It's a nice story, but it's not true. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
Can you imagine in the bird world if you introduced postcodes? | 0:27:25 | 0:27:29 | |
Penguins would move. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:31 | |
-Yes, they would! SW3. -Somewhere warmer and bigger wings. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:35 | |
I don't think they would want to move, | 0:27:35 | 0:27:37 | |
because they've got flippers and flat feet. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:40 | |
-They need ice to move around on. -They're born for it. | 0:27:40 | 0:27:42 | |
They're not going to say, "I'm going to move to the Himalayas," | 0:27:42 | 0:27:45 | |
-or, "I'm going to move somewhere..." -You know what, Janet? | 0:27:45 | 0:27:47 | |
You haven't thought this through, because one, | 0:27:47 | 0:27:49 | |
they wouldn't know what a postcode is. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:52 | |
And two, they can't fly! | 0:27:52 | 0:27:55 | |
And I doubt one of them getting on a plane, | 0:27:55 | 0:27:58 | |
by themselves, acting casual after raping all the family. | 0:27:58 | 0:28:02 | |
I would imagine they'd be on a no-flight... | 0:28:05 | 0:28:07 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:07 | 0:28:10 | |
I'm just saying, in an ideal world, given the choice, the penguins | 0:28:12 | 0:28:15 | |
would go, "We've had the short end of the deal." That's all I'm saying. | 0:28:15 | 0:28:21 | |
Don't turn this into Question Time! | 0:28:21 | 0:28:23 | |
-It's like being in a home for the elderly. -It really is. | 0:28:25 | 0:28:28 | |
They keep taking me stuff! | 0:28:28 | 0:28:30 | |
All right, all right, whatever... | 0:28:30 | 0:28:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:28:34 | 0:28:36 | |
Are we having fish?! | 0:28:36 | 0:28:37 | |
-Wheel him into the sun lounge... -Shut up, Mr Penguin! | 0:28:39 | 0:28:42 | |
So, how did a bunch of choir boys plan to drive Hitler mad? | 0:28:44 | 0:28:49 | |
We've been very literal there. There's Hitler in a straitjacket. | 0:28:50 | 0:28:54 | |
It's a, it's a plot. I do know this. | 0:28:54 | 0:28:56 | |
-Yeah? -Porn. -Pornography. -Pornography, they were going to drive him mad with pornography. | 0:28:56 | 0:29:00 | |
-That's absolutely right. -Was the plan. -Yeah. | 0:29:00 | 0:29:02 | |
They had groups called the Cowboys, who were behind enemy lines, | 0:29:02 | 0:29:05 | |
and the Choir Boys were the people in Washington. | 0:29:05 | 0:29:07 | |
-That's right. -And they came up with bonkers ideas. | 0:29:07 | 0:29:10 | |
All kinds of suggestions. I mean, we did too, bouncing bombs, ridiculous | 0:29:10 | 0:29:13 | |
and yet that was one that worked. | 0:29:13 | 0:29:15 | |
And Churchill chose the date precisely in May 1943, | 0:29:15 | 0:29:18 | |
when the floods were at their full height in the dams | 0:29:18 | 0:29:21 | |
and he was in Washington, so that if it worked he could announce it. | 0:29:21 | 0:29:24 | |
And it would be the first real invasion into German territory | 0:29:24 | 0:29:27 | |
that caused a massive difference. | 0:29:27 | 0:29:30 | |
And Lord Cherwell, his scientific adviser, said to him, reportedly, | 0:29:30 | 0:29:33 | |
"But what if it doesn't work?" | 0:29:33 | 0:29:36 | |
And Churchill said, "Then no-one will ever hear anything about it." | 0:29:36 | 0:29:40 | |
And that's the point about these mad schemes. | 0:29:40 | 0:29:42 | |
There were all these really zany plans. But most of them we don't know about. | 0:29:42 | 0:29:46 | |
And a lot of them were covered up and probably we never will. We know about the ones that work. | 0:29:46 | 0:29:50 | |
This is one that didn't work but we do know about. | 0:29:50 | 0:29:52 | |
-But this was smut. They were going to drop smut. -Basically, it was pornography. | 0:29:52 | 0:29:55 | |
-All over Germany, and... -Well, particularly to drive Hitler mad, over Berchtesgaden, | 0:29:55 | 0:30:00 | |
his residence. | 0:30:00 | 0:30:01 | |
So leaflets were going to cascade down from the sky. | 0:30:01 | 0:30:04 | |
-That would drive him mad. -Absolutely. | 0:30:04 | 0:30:06 | |
The US Army Air Corps described it as insane and refused to do it. | 0:30:06 | 0:30:09 | |
But it did have an important role to play, pornography. | 0:30:09 | 0:30:12 | |
And of course, these were ones that the Germans | 0:30:12 | 0:30:14 | |
dropped on the Allies, because they did the same thing. | 0:30:14 | 0:30:17 | |
Germans and Japanese. | 0:30:17 | 0:30:19 | |
We didn't have much of a porno war effort, in Britain. | 0:30:19 | 0:30:22 | |
We were squeamish. The senior officers, | 0:30:22 | 0:30:24 | |
one was quoted saying he would, "Rather lose the war than take part". | 0:30:24 | 0:30:28 | |
Which is simply extraordinary. Air Marshal Sir Arthur "Bomber" Harris didn't approve, | 0:30:28 | 0:30:31 | |
said it was just like sending them free lavatory paper. | 0:30:31 | 0:30:34 | |
What does it say about our troops that the German troops were willing | 0:30:34 | 0:30:38 | |
to drop the pornography and ours are going, "Well, I'm not giving it away. | 0:30:38 | 0:30:42 | |
-"Keep it Frank, we'll sell..." -I like to think it was a more decent reason than that, Johnny. | 0:30:42 | 0:30:47 | |
"We'll sell it when we get back." | 0:30:47 | 0:30:48 | |
But dropping leaflets was a big thing, the first the Danes knew of | 0:30:48 | 0:30:51 | |
the Germans invading was that the leaflets were dropping over... | 0:30:51 | 0:30:54 | |
Yes, leaflet dropping was a huge thing. Absolutely right. | 0:30:54 | 0:30:57 | |
It was what's called a black op, we'd call it now. | 0:30:57 | 0:30:59 | |
Do you know, you must know, Stephen, about the eavesdropping cat | 0:30:59 | 0:31:02 | |
-that the CIA came up with. -I've heard about it. | 0:31:02 | 0:31:04 | |
The most brilliant idea. | 0:31:04 | 0:31:06 | |
They got this cat and they inserted a transmitter | 0:31:06 | 0:31:09 | |
and the aerial was in its tail, and this was in Moscow, | 0:31:09 | 0:31:14 | |
and the idea was that it would walk past Russian spies | 0:31:14 | 0:31:17 | |
sitting on a bench and it would overhear. | 0:31:17 | 0:31:20 | |
And they spent millions on this cat, and it was terrific | 0:31:20 | 0:31:24 | |
and they'd worked it all out, and on its very first outing in the park, | 0:31:24 | 0:31:27 | |
it got hit by a taxi. | 0:31:27 | 0:31:29 | |
-It was known as Acoustic Kitty. -That's right, Acoustic Kitty. | 0:31:30 | 0:31:34 | |
Poor Acoustic Kitty. | 0:31:34 | 0:31:35 | |
The bouncing bomb would be a war crime now, wouldn't it, | 0:31:35 | 0:31:38 | |
-for the civilians killed? -There were a lot of civilians killed. | 0:31:38 | 0:31:41 | |
I don't know if it was a legitimate war target or not, in total war. I don't think... | 0:31:41 | 0:31:44 | |
-I think since they've agreed. -There was a good story I came across | 0:31:44 | 0:31:47 | |
when I was writing a script for the Dam Busters | 0:31:47 | 0:31:50 | |
and there was one of the members of one of the crews which | 0:31:50 | 0:31:53 | |
crashed after dropping its bomb, and was picked up by the Germans. | 0:31:53 | 0:31:56 | |
And they were treated pretty well, and one of them said, | 0:31:56 | 0:31:59 | |
"Well, what do you need? You know, according to the laws of, you know, | 0:31:59 | 0:32:03 | |
"the Geneva Convention, you know, are you thirsty?" They said a glass of water would be lovely. | 0:32:03 | 0:32:07 | |
And he said, "Are you joking? You have just destroyed our water supply." | 0:32:07 | 0:32:10 | |
And that was the first time the guy realised that one of the bombs had actually worked. | 0:32:10 | 0:32:14 | |
And that's how he found out that the Mohne had gone, because he was | 0:32:14 | 0:32:17 | |
saying there is no water, which is quite sweet in its own peculiar way. | 0:32:17 | 0:32:20 | |
-Anyway... -HE HUMS DAMBUSTERS THEME | 0:32:20 | 0:32:23 | |
One mad idea to win the war was to use pornography to drive | 0:32:23 | 0:32:27 | |
Hitler mad, as if he wasn't already. | 0:32:27 | 0:32:29 | |
So, what is 80% of the Kama Sutra about? Back to kinkiness. | 0:32:29 | 0:32:33 | |
-Hygiene. -Hygiene! | 0:32:33 | 0:32:36 | |
-Gymnastics. -Intercourse. | 0:32:37 | 0:32:41 | |
Oh! Dear me, no. | 0:32:41 | 0:32:43 | |
Well, intercourse can have the meanings, | 0:32:43 | 0:32:46 | |
but the fact is only 20% is about sex. | 0:32:46 | 0:32:49 | |
Most of it is about all kinds of other fascinating subjects. | 0:32:49 | 0:32:52 | |
How to be a good citizen, insight into relationships between men | 0:32:52 | 0:32:55 | |
and women, tips on tattooing, the art of making your bed, | 0:32:55 | 0:32:59 | |
playing on musical glasses which are filled with water, | 0:32:59 | 0:33:02 | |
making lemonade, solving word puzzles, knowledge of mines | 0:33:02 | 0:33:06 | |
and quarries, the art of cockfighting. No, don't... | 0:33:06 | 0:33:10 | |
The art of teaching parrots and starlings to speak. | 0:33:11 | 0:33:14 | |
Nine pages devoted to the care of wives | 0:33:14 | 0:33:18 | |
and 26 pages on how to seduce other men's wives. | 0:33:18 | 0:33:20 | |
That's a bit strange. | 0:33:21 | 0:33:23 | |
I love this idea of a child setting up a lemonade stand and saying, | 0:33:23 | 0:33:25 | |
"Courtesy of the Kama Sutra." | 0:33:25 | 0:33:28 | |
-But on the video, on the film of the book... -Yes, on 20% of the book. | 0:33:29 | 0:33:33 | |
There's very, very little starling chat. | 0:33:33 | 0:33:36 | |
I suspect you were getting a video of 20% of the Kama Sutra. | 0:33:36 | 0:33:41 | |
The author was a celibate Indian sage, | 0:33:41 | 0:33:43 | |
so what he knew, goodness knows, | 0:33:43 | 0:33:46 | |
but he was called Vatsyayana, | 0:33:46 | 0:33:47 | |
and he lived sometime between the first and sixth century. | 0:33:47 | 0:33:50 | |
Sometimes, very cleverly, there is a moral tone that distances itself | 0:33:50 | 0:33:53 | |
between what it tells you... It says, for example, | 0:33:53 | 0:33:56 | |
all oral sex is wrong. It then spends pages and pages | 0:33:56 | 0:33:58 | |
telling you how to do it. | 0:33:58 | 0:34:00 | |
-Now, who came up with the missionary position. -A missionary. | 0:34:02 | 0:34:05 | |
No! | 0:34:05 | 0:34:07 | |
KLAXON SOUNDS | 0:34:07 | 0:34:09 | |
What is the missionary position, first? | 0:34:09 | 0:34:11 | |
It's the approved position by a missionary. | 0:34:11 | 0:34:14 | |
Lady on her back, man on top. | 0:34:15 | 0:34:18 | |
Yes, it's a mistake made by the famous sexologist Kinsey | 0:34:18 | 0:34:23 | |
who named it... | 0:34:23 | 0:34:24 | |
What has been Photoshopped out of that picture? | 0:34:24 | 0:34:26 | |
Has Mrs Kinsey been removed? | 0:34:29 | 0:34:32 | |
He of course wrote a book on the sexuality of the American male | 0:34:32 | 0:34:35 | |
and the American female, which shocked America extraordinarily. | 0:34:35 | 0:34:39 | |
He said that 96% of American males masturbate regularly | 0:34:39 | 0:34:43 | |
and he was asked what the hell that said about the American male. | 0:34:43 | 0:34:46 | |
He said, "It says 4% lie." | 0:34:46 | 0:34:48 | |
But as far as the missionary position is concerned, | 0:34:49 | 0:34:52 | |
it was an anthropologist called Bronislaw Malinowski | 0:34:52 | 0:34:55 | |
who described an engaged couple holding hands | 0:34:55 | 0:34:58 | |
and leaning against each other in what was known as "misinari si bubunela", | 0:34:58 | 0:35:03 | |
missionary fashion, and that was just friendliness, leaning on each other. | 0:35:03 | 0:35:06 | |
It was nothing to do with man-on-top sex. | 0:35:06 | 0:35:08 | |
He said it was introduced by white traders, | 0:35:08 | 0:35:11 | |
planters or officials, but never used the word missionary, | 0:35:11 | 0:35:14 | |
but it was Kinsey who somehow just got it wrong. | 0:35:14 | 0:35:16 | |
Kinsey himself was a very odd man. | 0:35:16 | 0:35:18 | |
He had an irrational hatred of... the potato. | 0:35:18 | 0:35:22 | |
-Even chips? -I guess all forms of the potato. -Do we know why? | 0:35:22 | 0:35:27 | |
No, it was irrational, that's the point. | 0:35:27 | 0:35:29 | |
I was married to a man that had an irrational fear of tomatoes. | 0:35:29 | 0:35:33 | |
He was a great big burly film director, very macho bloke, | 0:35:33 | 0:35:37 | |
but put a tomato in front of him and he'd start crying. | 0:35:37 | 0:35:40 | |
Day in, day out, you did that. A cherry won in the medicine cabinet. | 0:35:42 | 0:35:47 | |
Ah! | 0:35:47 | 0:35:48 | |
-Did you know why? -Irrational. | 0:35:50 | 0:35:54 | |
If there was a reason, it would a rational fear of tomatoes. | 0:35:56 | 0:36:00 | |
There's no such which thing as a rational fear of tomatoes! That's ridiculous. | 0:36:00 | 0:36:03 | |
An irrational fear can have some starting point. | 0:36:04 | 0:36:07 | |
As a child, a tomato reared up at him. | 0:36:07 | 0:36:09 | |
If I didn't want to have sex, | 0:36:09 | 0:36:10 | |
-I had a tomato sandwich by the bed. -Very clever. | 0:36:10 | 0:36:13 | |
"Come on, Janet. Oh, God! A tomato sandwich. Good night." | 0:36:13 | 0:36:19 | |
When Kinsey was nervous, he would speak in a Scottish accent, | 0:36:23 | 0:36:26 | |
although he was born and raised in New Jersey. | 0:36:26 | 0:36:28 | |
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: "I'm so upset. I'm afraid." | 0:36:28 | 0:36:31 | |
That's right. | 0:36:31 | 0:36:33 | |
And he trained himself to be able to insert pencils into his penis. | 0:36:33 | 0:36:37 | |
-Into his penis? -Into, into the urethra. -He trained himself? | 0:36:37 | 0:36:41 | |
You wouldn't train anyone else, would you, to do that? | 0:36:41 | 0:36:45 | |
He might have put a sign up and then thought, | 0:36:45 | 0:36:47 | |
"Due to lack of applicants..." | 0:36:47 | 0:36:49 | |
-That not only a pencil, but a toothbrush, bristles first. -No! | 0:36:51 | 0:36:56 | |
-Yes! -Every year, when his wife's going, "He's impossible to buy for," | 0:36:56 | 0:37:00 | |
and he's going, "A travel pouch. A pencil case! | 0:37:00 | 0:37:05 | |
"I'm tired of carrying things round in my penis." | 0:37:05 | 0:37:09 | |
"What about a travel iron?" "No!" | 0:37:09 | 0:37:13 | |
His wife actually said, "I don't see much of Alfred since he got interested in sex," | 0:37:13 | 0:37:17 | |
which is a terribly sad thing for a wife to say about her husband. | 0:37:17 | 0:37:20 | |
-Why he pushed things up his penis, again, no idea. -Irrational. | 0:37:20 | 0:37:24 | |
So, anyway, which of these foods would give you the same | 0:37:24 | 0:37:27 | |
number of calories as used in the average sex session? | 0:37:27 | 0:37:30 | |
-I don't think it's a lot of... -You don't think it's many calories. | 0:37:30 | 0:37:33 | |
-I think it's quite a lot. -You think it's a lot. -Do you? You think it's pizza lot? | 0:37:33 | 0:37:37 | |
I think it's about 400 calories. | 0:37:37 | 0:37:39 | |
400 calories, which would be a good pizza at least, wouldn't it? | 0:37:39 | 0:37:42 | |
-Maybe a slice of pizza, not a whole one. -Slice of pizza, yeah. You think it's fewer? | 0:37:42 | 0:37:46 | |
I'm going to go for the steak. | 0:37:46 | 0:37:47 | |
-Well, it's interesting. -I'm going to go for the burger. | 0:37:47 | 0:37:50 | |
-You'll have the burger. -I'll have a slice of tart. -You'll have a slice of tart. Hey. | 0:37:50 | 0:37:54 | |
-But without the bread. -And what about you? -I'll have the courgette and the shrimp, | 0:37:54 | 0:37:57 | |
-because it's got quite a lot of possibilities. -Yes, that is a good ploy. | 0:37:57 | 0:38:01 | |
Well, David Allison, who is a bio-statistician at the University of Alabama, looked into it. | 0:38:01 | 0:38:06 | |
And the average sex session takes only six minutes. | 0:38:06 | 0:38:10 | |
What, from beginning to end? | 0:38:10 | 0:38:13 | |
So the amount of calories used would be 20, | 0:38:13 | 0:38:15 | |
that's about the same as one egg white or a very small meringue. | 0:38:15 | 0:38:18 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:38:18 | 0:38:23 | |
There you are. That's... | 0:38:23 | 0:38:24 | |
Does the six minutes include the bit where you watch the news? | 0:38:24 | 0:38:28 | |
What, to see if you've made it on? | 0:38:28 | 0:38:30 | |
"We've done it, let's put the news on." | 0:38:30 | 0:38:33 | |
Kinsey showed that it is no easy task describing people's sex lives, | 0:38:33 | 0:38:36 | |
so these figures are up for argument. | 0:38:36 | 0:38:38 | |
A 2008 survey by Durex, who might be regarded as having | 0:38:38 | 0:38:41 | |
a sort of vested interest, as makers of... | 0:38:41 | 0:38:43 | |
Oh. That's The Graduate, isn't it? The stage version. Anyway... | 0:38:43 | 0:38:47 | |
She's got that look, hasn't she? | 0:38:47 | 0:38:48 | |
She has. That was a disappointment, quite clearly. | 0:38:48 | 0:38:51 | |
-Yeah. -That was half a meringue. -Yeah. -"Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Robinson?" | 0:38:51 | 0:38:55 | |
Anyway, Durex reported the average Briton enjoys 22.5 minutes of foreplay, | 0:38:55 | 0:39:00 | |
while another survey at around the same time in Men's Health | 0:39:00 | 0:39:04 | |
claimed that British men only last 18.64 minutes from foreplay to climax. | 0:39:04 | 0:39:09 | |
So if we level out those different statistics, we could argue that British men take, | 0:39:09 | 0:39:13 | |
in terms of actual intercourse itself, minus 3.86 minutes. | 0:39:13 | 0:39:17 | |
In the Second World War, | 0:39:19 | 0:39:21 | |
they used condoms to protect the ends of the rifle. | 0:39:21 | 0:39:23 | |
-In the north, in the final attack on Norway. -It was so successful | 0:39:23 | 0:39:26 | |
that they decided that they could do with some | 0:39:26 | 0:39:28 | |
for their 18-inch guns and special condoms were manufactured by... | 0:39:28 | 0:39:32 | |
-Is this the Churchill story? -Yes, by Durex. | 0:39:32 | 0:39:34 | |
We've told it on QI, but tell it again, because it's good. | 0:39:34 | 0:39:37 | |
Well, Churchill insisted that they be sent out in boxes marked | 0:39:37 | 0:39:40 | |
"for British service personnel use only. Size small." | 0:39:40 | 0:39:43 | |
He added, "That'll show 'em who's the master race." | 0:39:45 | 0:39:48 | |
So, if you want to work off the weight gained by eating | 0:39:58 | 0:40:01 | |
a tiny meringue, sex should do it. | 0:40:01 | 0:40:03 | |
Now it's time for one of my knick-knacks, | 0:40:03 | 0:40:05 | |
a little scientific experiment. | 0:40:05 | 0:40:07 | |
And all I have to do, yes, I know, it's terribly exciting, | 0:40:07 | 0:40:09 | |
-isn't it, is bring up this. -Ah ha! | 0:40:09 | 0:40:11 | |
I don't know if you can see in here the tiny little | 0:40:11 | 0:40:13 | |
grains of a little kind of, a little crystalline matter. | 0:40:13 | 0:40:18 | |
-And a bottle here. -Salt and vinegar. | 0:40:18 | 0:40:21 | |
It looks like salt and vinegar. Bizarrely, that is what is used | 0:40:21 | 0:40:23 | |
for flavouring salt and vinegar, sodium acetate. | 0:40:23 | 0:40:26 | |
It's got caustic soda and vinegar, which is what makes sodium acetate. | 0:40:26 | 0:40:30 | |
It's then dissolved slowly in water. It's very unstable, if I shook it, it would instantly crystallise, | 0:40:30 | 0:40:34 | |
so I'm going to be very careful about this. But if you add it to crystals, it also crystallises, | 0:40:34 | 0:40:38 | |
-and I hope to make a dildo for you. -Oh, good. | 0:40:38 | 0:40:41 | |
A dildo just out of this liquid. | 0:40:41 | 0:40:43 | |
I'm going to stand up to do it, if the camera allows me to, because | 0:40:43 | 0:40:46 | |
it needs a steady hand and I need to keep rising as I'm slowly pouring. | 0:40:46 | 0:40:49 | |
It's a bit like making mayonnaise, you know, very slowly adding, | 0:40:49 | 0:40:52 | |
adding the oil. | 0:40:52 | 0:40:54 | |
-It's nothing like making mayonnaise. -No, you very slowly... | 0:40:54 | 0:40:57 | |
You're making a phallus. | 0:40:57 | 0:40:58 | |
You very... No, no, in terms of the making, but in terms of the pouring. | 0:40:58 | 0:41:01 | |
This could ruin Mothers' Day for some people. | 0:41:01 | 0:41:03 | |
I'm just going to slowly pour it. | 0:41:03 | 0:41:05 | |
Can you see there's a tiny bit of crystal on there? | 0:41:05 | 0:41:07 | |
So a really very, very small amount. | 0:41:07 | 0:41:09 | |
-Yeah. -OK. -Here we are. | 0:41:09 | 0:41:10 | |
I've got to have a steady slow stream, let's just hope it works. | 0:41:10 | 0:41:14 | |
Oooh! | 0:41:19 | 0:41:20 | |
Oh, I say. | 0:41:20 | 0:41:22 | |
-JOHNNY: -It's a snowman dildo. | 0:41:24 | 0:41:27 | |
# We're walking in the air... # | 0:41:29 | 0:41:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:41:31 | 0:41:33 | |
# We're going to land for just awhile... # | 0:41:35 | 0:41:39 | |
"Snowman needs his private time!" | 0:41:39 | 0:41:41 | |
"Get off me back!" | 0:41:46 | 0:41:48 | |
It's not very easy to be very accurate. | 0:41:48 | 0:41:51 | |
I've got to keep doing higher, otherwise it'll touch itself | 0:41:51 | 0:41:54 | |
and blow back into the bottle. But there you go. How's that? | 0:41:54 | 0:41:57 | |
Aah! | 0:41:57 | 0:41:58 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:41:58 | 0:42:01 | |
It's exothermic nucleation, | 0:42:05 | 0:42:07 | |
for the science heads out there. | 0:42:07 | 0:42:09 | |
It's slightly warm. It feels rather gorgeous, and, I mean... | 0:42:09 | 0:42:13 | |
-It's a nice... -He made one earlier. | 0:42:15 | 0:42:17 | |
It's a nice consistency, it's not poisonous, it's not dangerous, but it's a wonderful effect, isn't it? | 0:42:17 | 0:42:23 | |
-Yes, I like it. -It's gorgeous. Yeah, there you are. | 0:42:23 | 0:42:25 | |
It's not an absolutely perfect dildo, but it's... | 0:42:25 | 0:42:27 | |
What's disturbing is it looks like mine. | 0:42:27 | 0:42:29 | |
Yes, exactly. | 0:42:29 | 0:42:31 | |
So that was the supersaturated sodium acetate knick-knack. | 0:42:31 | 0:42:35 | |
And these are the final scores. | 0:42:35 | 0:42:37 | |
And for possibly the first time, we have three people on plus scores. | 0:42:37 | 0:42:42 | |
-It's thrilling. -What? | 0:42:42 | 0:42:44 | |
The winner, with 11 is Sandi Toksvig. | 0:42:44 | 0:42:47 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:42:47 | 0:42:49 | |
In a very, very fine second place | 0:42:49 | 0:42:52 | |
with three points is Johnny Vegas. | 0:42:52 | 0:42:55 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:42:55 | 0:42:59 | |
And with a shatteringly impressive plus two, Janet Street-Porter. | 0:42:59 | 0:43:03 | |
Brilliant! | 0:43:03 | 0:43:05 | |
And the only one plunging into sub-zero conditions, | 0:43:05 | 0:43:09 | |
I'm afraid, is Alan Davies with minus 15. | 0:43:09 | 0:43:13 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:43:13 | 0:43:15 | |
So it's good night from Sandi, Johnny, Janet, Alan and me. | 0:43:20 | 0:43:24 | |
Be very, very special with yourselves, goodbye, bye. | 0:43:24 | 0:43:27 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:43:41 | 0:43:44 |