Kinky QI XL


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Gooooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening

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and welcome to QI, for a show that is unashamedly kinky.

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Joining me on the top shelf at the newsagent's tonight are...

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dominatrix Janet Street-Porter.

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APPLAUSE

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Nun-on-the-run Sandi Toksvig.

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APPLAUSE

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Naughty vicar Johnny Vegas.

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APPLAUSE

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And kinky Tinky Winky, Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE

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Right, but before we get down to business, I want you all to give me the horn.

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Janet goes...

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BUZZER: You've been a very naughty boy!

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Sandi goes...

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WHIP CRACKS

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Johnny goes...

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SCREAM

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And Alan goes...

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MUSIC: "Match Of The Day Theme"

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Whatever floats your boat. Now, on with our first question.

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Describe the technique of the world's greatest kisser.

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-Was there a contest?

-There was.

-An actual winner?

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-There was, and there was a winner. Yeah.

-Was it a human, or an animal?

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It was a human.

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Have you been kissed by an animal, ever? Janet?

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Mmmmm... A donkey, maybe.

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-I've kissed a...

-But only in a non-sexual...

-You didn't know?

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Do you know, a tiny, tiny bit of bile came up in the back of my throat.

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This was a competition, and as you might imagine,

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if cliche were piled upon cliche, which nationality would win?

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-Scandinavia?

-The Italians. Italian.

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The Scandinavians, the Italians. No, the...

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-The French?

-Les Francais. Oui.

-Oh, it was the French.

-It was the Francais.

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-I'm thinking it's the Scottish.

-Have you found them particularly good osculators?

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No, I just did a quick survey in my head.

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And I could only remember four countries.

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And it certainly wasn't the Australians.

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No. No. No.

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His name was Andre Brule,

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he was a famous actor in the first part of the 20th century.

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A rather stylish actor. And there was a competition.

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It was just after the First World War, and it was in Biarritz.

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80 participants as far away as Russia and America took part.

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And American kisses were described as...? Flaccid.

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-Oh.

-I would have said forceful.

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Forceful, no, you would have thought. Russians were eruptive.

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Italians - burning, which you'd think was good.

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Ardent is another word for burning, ardent kisses.

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I'm still on "erupting" kisses, what are those like?

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-I've no idea. Volcanic.

-Yes.

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That was the bit of sick in the back of your throat.

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That's not where you think you're getting a normal kiss

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and they stick their tongue out and you weren't expecting it?

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Oh, that can happen, yeah, I know.

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Or you kiss something and you put your hands up and you shout, "Bingo!"

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-But I'm afraid the word that was described for English kisses is almost all too predictable.

-Cheap.

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Oh, wet.

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-Frigid.

-Wet.

-Moist.

-Frigid?

-Tepid.

-Tepid.

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GROANING

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I know, wonderful! How disappointed as a nation we are.

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Spanish were vampirish or "vampeerish", however you would say it.

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Vampire-like. But the winner, who,

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although he was a Frenchman, French kisses were described as chaste.

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-Which is most surprising.

-Really? Because French kissing is...

-French kissing itself is far from chaste.

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-..is cataglysm.

-It's cataclysmic. Exactly.

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-The actual word for it is "cataglysm".

-Is that what they call it?

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Yes, and it's something pigeons do, bizarrely. Who knew?

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-When you see two pigeons billing and cooing...

-Cooing.

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Yes, they're actually sticking their tongue down each other's...

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-Not swapping pigeon milk, which is...?

-No, it's better to say to somebody

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if you want a French kiss, "Do you mind if we do a bit of catagylsm?"

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-They're bound to say yes, because they've no idea what it is.

-You may be thinking of cataglottism?

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-Cataglottism!

-Which is the tongue, the glot. Cataclysm is a disaster.

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-No, I think you misheard me, it's my Danish accent.

-Oh, I see, right! Cataglottism.

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Can I ask Sandi a question about the pigeons?

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-Yes.

-Do they have sex through their mouths?

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-No, no, no, it's...

-Well, how do they have sex, just by the way?

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-The normal way.

-In the normal way, they have a...

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The normal way, yes, is this news to you?

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I know you've been married a few times, but you don't have children, do you?

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No, I don't have children, but I've never had sex with a pigeon

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-either, I just couldn't see which bit...

-Can I just say that...

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Call yourself a Londoner!

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The pleasure of Janet questioning two homosexuals on this subject is just a...

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-Yes, it's true.

-I'd love to see you do a nature show.

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"They're doing it! They're doing it!" No, they're feeding.

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Do you have any familiarity with anything kinky, though?

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Yeah, I once had a boyfriend who said he wanted me to tie him up

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and be a dominatrix, and he booked a suite in a hotel

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and ordered a load of drinks,

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and just as the butler brought the drinks, he got out a dildo and

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a pair of handcuffs, so I had to sit on both sex toys at the same time.

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-Oh, my God!

-Anyway...

-Sit on the handcuffs?

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I sat on everything! I didn't want me to be associated with all this hardware.

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-No. Oh, to sit on them to hide them. Sorry.

-Yes!

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LAUGHTER

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Sorry. Were they furry handcuffs, the...?

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No, they were normal ones, and in the morning when he was asleep,

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-I just handcuffed his foot to the end of the bed and left.

-Wow!

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You shouldn't have made him finish your book first.

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Hello?

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-Is it just men in the kissing competition?

-Yes, it was.

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-I suppose they wouldn't have had women showing off their kissing technique.

-No.

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-That would have been thought to be appalling.

-Not in those days, exactly.

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-So what was he kissing, the back of his hand?

-No, women, but HE was kissing THEM, it wasn't

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-a mutual kiss, if you see what I mean.

-Oh.

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He GAVE them kisses. The idea was, he would grab their waist and push himself down.

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The whole thing was almost like a sort of ballet dance. It was not about the actual sort of long snog,

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it was about the elegance with which you did it.

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And that's where he won his awards.

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And there's a very famous photograph,

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you probably know, of a similar kiss, which is

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amazingly evocative of a great victory, VJ Day.

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-Oh, the one with the sailor and the...

-The sailor and the woman in New York, which is hugely famous.

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And in 2012, that recently, they were reunited.

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They're both alive, her name is Greta Friedman.

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And he is George Mendonsa. They had never met.

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He just simply saw her in the street, swooped her up and

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kissed her and the photographer got virtually the photograph of the...

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-Didn't she rather famously slap him afterwards?

-She was not pleased at all, no. Absolutely.

-No.

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But when they had a reunion in 2012, they were very friendly, and she realised it was a fabulous moment.

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-He was swept up in the joy of VJ Day.

-So did they shag?

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I think not, if she slapped him afterwards, although you probably...

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-No, I mean on the reunion.

-No, that doesn't mean...

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-On the reunion!

-That's my point. You know, when there's no, you know, Victory-anywhere-day

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and you're just speed-dating and you do that.

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Then you're not likely to be thanked. Yes.

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No, you're likely to end up in a court with Injuries 4U lawyers.

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Yeah, exactly.

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According to Theocritus in the city of Megara,

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they had a version of the Olympic Games where there was a kissing competition,

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which was only between boys. Yeah, I know. I know.

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-"Too late," they cry.

-They had to overpower one another.

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-No, no, it was...

-Back to the Greco-Roman snogging.

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No, it's those who so sweetliest presses lip upon lip.

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Sweetliest.

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-If they'd had that in the Olympics, I'd have watched.

-Yes!

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And they returned laden with garlands for their mothers.

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So, if you win the boys' kissing competition, you get garlands,

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which interestingly, in Greek, is "stefan" - Stephen.

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Just thought I'd mention that.

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That's what my name means, and you give your mother

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lots of flowers, saying, "I won the kissing competition with boys."

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And she goes, "Darling, we have to talk."

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"Just don't tell your father." So there you go.

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The world's greatest kisser was a French actor named Andre Brule,

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but who was the most shocking kisser of all time?

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-Oh!

-Oh, hello. There we've got two, they're probably called...

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-Britney Spears and Madonna.

-Madonna.

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That is, you can just see, is what pigeons do. That's...

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Oh, yes, yeah.

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There's only one marshmallow left.

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LAUGHTER

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I've only ever had one screen kiss, and it was with the wonderful American comic Mike McShane.

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-Oh, yes, terrific.

-Mike McShane.

-You did a sitcom.

-We did a sitcom together.

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He knew I was very nervous about the kiss, because I wanted it

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to be...I didn't want it to be comic, I wanted it to be real.

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There's always that worry when you're doing a comedy.

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And he knew this and so I was very anxious,

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and the very first time he leant down and he kissed me and passed me an anchovy with his tongue!

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I was less nervous after that.

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Yeah, I had a film where I had to kiss Jude Law

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and Ioan Gruffudd, it was awful.

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And they were nude. Oh, God! Misery.

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But anyway, shocking kisses, that's...

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I suppose shocks some people because it's lesbiotic, but...

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-"Lesbiotic"?

-Well, yes.

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I must go home and give the good news.

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-They had a shocking kiss in Star Trek.

-Really?

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There's an episode where Captain Kirk kisses Uhura, Lieutenant Uhura.

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-So it's interracial.

-Oh, very shocking.

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-And that was not thought to go well in the southern affiliates.

-Right.

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So they shot it so that one of them had their back to camera.

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You knew they were kissing but you couldn't actually see it

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just in case down south they didn't kick off.

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-So are we talking about a screen kiss, or are we talking...?

-An electric shock.

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-Thank you, Alan.

-Is it something electrical to do with it?

-Yes. The Venus Electrificata.

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It's one of those things, whenever you invent a new technology,

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people experiment with it in extraordinary ways,

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and of course electricity, when the power to generate electricity

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first arrived, people tried all kinds of exciting things with it.

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And one of them was to suspend a woman such that she was not

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earthed, and then get men who WERE earthed to kiss her,

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and you can see, he's winding round there in order to create

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an electric current, and you kissed them and you get a tingling feeling.

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Well, when I was a kid, I grew up in the States, we used to have electric shock parties.

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-You had very cheap sort of...

-You put your tongue on batteries?

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No, you had cheap nylon carpet and we'd turn the lights out

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and everybody would stand and rub their feet on the carpet, and then go, "Now!"

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And you'd all kiss and there'd be a little spark.

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Yes, we used to do that. At prep school, we had an area which

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was cut off for the ponies to graze, with an electric fence. Sorry.

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You'd grab the electric fence and the shock would go through,

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like a wave, through the whole line of us.

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It was kind of rather fun.

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There was also Stephen Gray and his amazing "orphan boy",

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who he hung down, and put a current through him.

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And the current attracted various objects,

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and this became so popular, he actually made a kit.

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You had to provide your own boy, but...

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But otherwise you had the kit with various glass rods

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and things like that, that the electricity would pick up.

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But as with all new inventions of any kind, people are going to try...?

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-Electric cock.

-Yes.

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And it was the discoverer of ultraviolet light, Johann Ritter,

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decided he would try...in the early days there was what was known as

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a voltaic pile, ie a battery, and he basically tried it on his groin.

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And he described it,

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"His organ began in a state of medium swelling."

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What we call a semi, I guess.

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LAUGHTER

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"He wrapped it in a piece of cloth," I hope you're taking notes at home,

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"moistened with lukewarm milk," that's lukewarm.

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Try, poke your elbow in it and if it doesn't burn and it's not cold, like with a baby's bath.

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OK, you're following? You're taking notes, I'm doing it slow enough.

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"Then delicately you touch the wire from the positive pole to the

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"cloth and with the other hand, you close the circuit.

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"A shock jolted him, followed by a pleasant tingling.

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"The swelling continued.

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"Warmth spread from his groin and then finally, consummation."

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What kind of sex was he having?!

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-Electric sex.

-Yeah, but I mean before that.

-Oh, before that!

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"You're a lovely person, it's not you, it's me.

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"I just like dipping me testicles in warm milk

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"and then running a wire from me because... No! No! It's great.

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"Christmas was fantastic,

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"but this might spoil it for the rest of the family."

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-Aren't you going to do a display for us?

-I'm not going to do a display!

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-Please!

-I thought you were going to say "demonstration".

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Boil a kettle and throw it on your genitals.

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Don't try this at home.

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You're sitting in your house and the lights start flickering

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-and you know he's at it next door with the milk cloth.

-Yes!

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I mean, I'm sorry, but...

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Channel 5's gone off, it'll be him next door with the milk cloth.

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You know how every Christmas they always say,

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when all the lights go down, and you can't cook your turkey, it's because we're all watching telly.

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It's not, because all over Britain people are...

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-Are trying lukewarm milk on their...

-They've got things, milk on their willies.

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-It's all going on.

-Yes?

-I shared a dressing room for a while with a very short actor,

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and I came into the dressing room one evening. He wasn't expecting me,

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he was completely naked and he was trying to get his entire genitalia up into the basin.

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I said, "What are you doing?" He said, "I thought it was a good idea, I thought it was a good idea."

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I said, "What?" I'd got some muscle heat-rub.

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-Ow!

-He thought, "Well, it feels so nice on your leg..."

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It burns! The men are wincing already in the audience.

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Ah. I'm sure Alan has many similar stories to tell.

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Here's a really weird one.

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In 2005, a boy was admitted to hospital with two neodymium magnets,

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the strongest permanent magnets known to us,

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trapping a fold, shall we say, of his penis.

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He claimed that he had fallen down,

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or they had fallen down his trousers while he was playing with them.

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But they were so strong that they didn't know what to do.

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Magnets can be demagnetized by heating them

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to a very high temperature, which wouldn't be very kind.

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Or they could be hammered apart.

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So they were faced with a real medical problem,

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to save this boy's future, as it were.

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So they tried alternative solutions, such as bigger magnets.

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In the end they managed to remove them by "shearing the magnets away from each other, moving them

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"perpendicular to the force of attraction."

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So, don't try those magnets at home.

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Anyway, let's move on. What's going on here?

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-Oh, are they kissing fish?

-They're not...are they not aware there's a piece of glass?

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-Kissing fish?

-They're fighting.

-Are they fighting?

-They're fighting.

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-They're called kissing fish because it's what it looks like.

-That may well be, but they don't kiss.

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-But they're not kissing, they're fighting.

-Exactly right. Gourami is their name.

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They don't kill each other by doing that, but one will get knackered and sometimes dies of exhaustion.

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It's never utterly fatal.

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It looks like the end of a balloon, doesn't it?

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It does, doesn't it? It's just like the end of a balloon.

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And what other fighting fish do we know?

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-Oh, the...

-The what-y fighting fish?

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Well, they call them Samurai fighting fish, but...

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Not Samurai, no. Siamese fighting fish.

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Very popular, they're used like cock fighting as a sport.

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They keep each separate in a little, just alone in a tank

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so it doesn't waste its energy by seeing another male.

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There's another version and they have little swords.

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Well, they're really vicious fighters,

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and the one that loses just flees for its life, basically,

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but you bet on them, essentially, it's like cock fighting used to be.

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They're not the fish that eat all that spare skin

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-off your feet, are they?

-Oh, supposedly, that's right.

-Have you done that, Janet?

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-Have you done that?

-No, I'm a bit worried that if I put my feet in hot water with the little fish...

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This is for pedicures, where they put these tiny fish in, and they're supposed to nibble your dead skin.

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I'd be more worried that they didn't want my feet.

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-Yes, that would be such an insult.

-You put your feet in and they all go for the side again.

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Ugh!

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And get little mouth washes.

0:16:310:16:33

LAUGHTER

0:16:330:16:37

I've done it. At first it's really strange,

0:16:370:16:40

and then when you get used to it,

0:16:400:16:42

-what's stranger is 15 people filming you.

-Ah.

0:16:420:16:45

-Whilst you've got your feet in a tank going, "Ooh".

-You did it on a TV thing did you?

0:16:450:16:49

No, no, I just did it in a shopping centre.

0:16:490:16:52

-And 15 passers-by decided...

-Yeah, just went, "Oh, look..."

-There's Johnny Vegas having his feet...

0:16:530:16:58

"There's that Johnny Vegas getting off on putting his feet in water."

0:16:580:17:02

Yeah. They have a lung-like organ in their bodies, these fighting fish.

0:17:020:17:06

Which means that they can breathe air.

0:17:060:17:09

And actually, if we had enough supersaturated water with oxygen,

0:17:090:17:14

we would be able to breathe water.

0:17:140:17:16

And some people believe this is the future of the human race,

0:17:160:17:18

you know, for diving and space travel,

0:17:180:17:20

and things like that, that we actually breathe water.

0:17:200:17:23

You do know after this I'm going to go home and drown in the bath,

0:17:230:17:26

-don't you?

-No, don't! I'm going to write out a list...

0:17:260:17:29

I take in bits of what you say to me and then guarantee my family

0:17:290:17:34

it's safe, "Stephen said I can breathe underwater."

0:17:340:17:38

There are certain earlier things...

0:17:380:17:40

I am the future!

0:17:400:17:42

There are some earlier things I've recommended that you can

0:17:420:17:45

certainly do, but not the breathing underwater. But the lukewarm milk is fine, you can try that.

0:17:450:17:50

-Yeah.

-I'd rather...

0:17:500:17:52

I'd rather just drink it.

0:17:530:17:55

What?! Oh, the milk.

0:17:550:17:57

Right. Sorry.

0:17:580:18:00

God, yes, I understand. So, good.

0:18:000:18:02

When gourami appear to be kissing, they're actually fighting.

0:18:020:18:05

What's so attractive about ordinary people?

0:18:050:18:08

Not the movie, which is a very fine movie, of course. Mary Tyler Moore.

0:18:080:18:11

It's them massive cars they drive, the... Buses.

0:18:110:18:16

Ordinary people drive buses.

0:18:160:18:18

-What, you mean ordinary people are on buses?

-Yeah.

-Is it symmetry?

0:18:180:18:22

Well, it's not quite symmetry, this is known as koinophilia,

0:18:220:18:25

and it seems that if you take two not very good-looking people

0:18:250:18:28

and merge their image, people are more likely to be attracted to them.

0:18:280:18:33

And Galton, who was a famous criminologist and was interested in the appearance of criminals, thought

0:18:330:18:37

he would try and find the absolute criminal type by taking photographs

0:18:370:18:40

of criminals and merging them and merging them, and he was astonished

0:18:400:18:44

to find the more he did so, the more pleasant they appeared to be.

0:18:440:18:47

So you average-out people's looks

0:18:470:18:50

and we are more attracted to that, it seems.

0:18:500:18:52

We've actually done a little merge of some of our friends

0:18:520:18:55

around the table, just to show you how attractive you look

0:18:550:18:57

when you put them together.

0:18:570:19:00

-Ta da!

-Oh, yeah!

0:19:000:19:01

It's Jean from Tenerife.

0:19:050:19:06

Oh, no, we look like a tennis player.

0:19:060:19:09

You do look like a tennis player, with an open piano lid.

0:19:090:19:12

It looks very nice. And let's try the other two.

0:19:120:19:15

Oh! Oh!

0:19:180:19:20

-Serial killer!

-Let's not have children.

0:19:240:19:28

-The eyes...

-Police are currently looking for...

0:19:280:19:30

There's something a bit odd about the eyes there.

0:19:300:19:33

But it's from your photograph, Johnny.

0:19:330:19:36

We just look like the biggest idiot in the world.

0:19:360:19:39

I think someone took your photograph and did one of those,

0:19:390:19:42

-you know, red-eye things.

-No, it looks like someone who walked in

0:19:420:19:45

and caught his parents having sex and they didn't stop.

0:19:450:19:48

He's the sort of man the police say, "Oh, he was quiet, always kept to himself."

0:19:480:19:52

Yes, he was a loner.

0:19:520:19:54

He was just a loner, perfectly nice.

0:19:540:19:55

He used to cry a lot at Christmas.

0:19:550:19:58

Well, as I say, it's called koinophilia, and it is this theory.

0:19:580:20:02

Recent research, however, from the Australian National University,

0:20:020:20:06

suggests that good-looking men earn 22% more than not good-looking men.

0:20:060:20:10

Yeah, because they're attractive because they're from Australia.

0:20:100:20:13

No, within Australia. They're all Australian. Within Australia.

0:20:130:20:16

The 22 better-looking percentage.

0:20:160:20:19

A study of female golfers also found that they were better, they shot

0:20:190:20:23

lower scores, and the theory is that they were more likely to have

0:20:230:20:27

offers of sponsorship, and therefore played that much harder

0:20:270:20:32

knowing how much money they would make.

0:20:320:20:34

Surely it's about confidence.

0:20:340:20:35

If you look in the mirror and you think, "Wow, I'm a dish,"

0:20:350:20:38

then you get out there and think, "And I can play golf."

0:20:380:20:40

-Yeah, I suppose that's right.

-But if you look in the mirror and weep...

0:20:400:20:44

-And think, "What a dog."

-I look in the mirror and I like it.

0:20:440:20:48

-And so you bloody well should.

-I never look in a mirror.

0:20:480:20:50

My partner's much taller than me and she put them all up,

0:20:500:20:53

so I've never seen...

0:20:530:20:54

I have windows at street level and I just pretend I'm different people.

0:20:570:21:01

Just walk past at the same time and go, "Looking good today.

0:21:030:21:06

"Let's get out to that meeting quick while I've got that nice suit on."

0:21:070:21:11

Then I realise I'm wearing a bin bag.

0:21:110:21:14

Anyway, moving on.

0:21:170:21:18

Now, what would you keep in one of these? I have one.

0:21:180:21:22

There it is.

0:21:230:21:25

Is it a...

0:21:250:21:27

-A penis.

-Yeah, a penis is the right answer, Alan.

0:21:270:21:30

It usually is the right answer.

0:21:300:21:32

-Is it from the...?

-Is it hollow?

-Is it an African...

0:21:320:21:35

It's hollow, otherwise you'd have trouble keeping it in.

0:21:350:21:37

-Is it from Africa, Stephen?

-It's not from Africa, no.

0:21:370:21:40

-Where's it from?

-Croydon.

0:21:400:21:41

-It's from Papua New Guinea.

-It's what anteaters wear when they're going to rob a post office.

0:21:410:21:46

"It's just that little bit of disguise...is that you, Frank?"

0:21:490:21:53

"No, no."

0:21:530:21:54

I've been to Papua New Guinea and I've seen it...

0:21:540:21:57

-They can be different sizes.

-..wibbly-wobbling about.

0:21:570:21:59

They can be like this. But, oddly enough, they are not worn for status, they don't deliberately

0:21:590:22:04

have a big thick one like that in order to suggest greater manhood.

0:22:040:22:07

They often have a thin,

0:22:070:22:08

rather strangely trailing-away one with a few hairs on the end.

0:22:080:22:11

Like this, exactly.

0:22:110:22:12

That would really confuse Bugs Bunny.

0:22:120:22:15

"I'm also de wabbit!

0:22:170:22:20

"Or maybe I just wannabe fwiends."

0:22:200:22:22

-What's it made of?

-It's a gourd.

0:22:220:22:24

It's a penis gourd, and it's a sort of relative of the squash family, I think, isn't it?

0:22:240:22:28

-I went to Papua New Guinea and...

-Amazing place.

0:22:280:22:31

It's fantastic, and I was taken to this remote island on a boat

0:22:310:22:35

and then they painted me with war paint and presented me

0:22:350:22:39

with a pig and a pile of yams.

0:22:390:22:42

-Oh.

-Pig, and then they did these gourd dances to me.

0:22:420:22:45

-To, really, right at you.

-Right at me, yes. I was really, really impressed.

0:22:450:22:50

"They dined on yams and clams and human hams and vintage coconut wine,

0:22:500:22:54

"the taste of which was filthy, but the after-effects divine,"

0:22:540:22:57

-as Noel Coward put it.

-I feel just like that in the taxi rank in Wigan.

0:22:570:23:01

But amongst the tribes that have these kotekas,

0:23:020:23:05

as they're called, are, in case there's any members watching,

0:23:050:23:08

and I wouldn't want to leave you out, the Lani, the Mee,

0:23:080:23:11

the Amungme, the Kamoro, the Yali, the Damal and the Moni.

0:23:110:23:14

And the government tried to make them illegal and sent them all clothing.

0:23:140:23:17

And for so many generations, they'd gone without clothing

0:23:170:23:20

and been totally nude, except for these penis gourds,

0:23:200:23:23

the clothing actually gave them rashes and all they do now is

0:23:230:23:26

they use shorts sometimes to put on their heads.

0:23:260:23:30

But they continue to go naked.

0:23:300:23:31

I love the fact that when you read the tribes out, you went,

0:23:310:23:34

"You know, not to offend anyone."

0:23:340:23:35

That would be a brilliant Points Of View when they turn up.

0:23:350:23:38

Yes, it would. Yes.

0:23:380:23:40

"You missed out my tribe!"

0:23:400:23:41

Yes, in an otherwise thoroughly enjoyable programme, exactly.

0:23:410:23:45

So, why is it so difficult

0:23:450:23:46

to research the sexual habits of penguins?

0:23:460:23:49

They're very private.

0:23:500:23:51

-It's not really that they're private.

-It's cold.

0:23:510:23:55

-It's cold, certainly.

-Is it because it's graphic?

0:23:550:23:58

Well, it used to be very difficult to describe

0:23:580:24:00

because we used to be very prudish.

0:24:000:24:02

Yes, I mean, Scott's trip to the Antarctic, Levick,

0:24:020:24:05

the scientist, wrote it all out in Greek,

0:24:050:24:08

he was so appalled by what they were up to.

0:24:080:24:10

Absolutely right. He wrote it in Ancient Greek,

0:24:100:24:12

knowing that only a gentleman would be able to translate it.

0:24:120:24:15

George Murray Levick, the naturalist on Scott's ill-fated expedition,

0:24:150:24:18

and he discovered what he called the astonishing depravity

0:24:180:24:23

of penguin behaviour, which includes rampant homosexuality.

0:24:230:24:27

Not just homosexuality, but rampant.

0:24:270:24:29

To be fair, it's Antarctica - there's nothing else to do!

0:24:290:24:34

Necrophilia and, I'm sorry to say, paedophilia.

0:24:340:24:36

And on their night off, they dress as pandas.

0:24:360:24:38

It just muddies the water.

0:24:400:24:42

So he wrote his account in Ancient Greek, absolutely right,

0:24:420:24:45

so that an educated English gentlemen

0:24:450:24:47

would be the only person to understand it.

0:24:470:24:49

The penguins in the London Zoo, are they doing all this

0:24:490:24:52

-in full view of school parties?

-They may well be.

0:24:520:24:55

-These particular species...

-You've got to have...

0:24:550:24:59

You've got to go to the zoo a lot before you go,

0:24:590:25:02

"Not Kevin!" Generally, you just go, "There's penguins."

0:25:020:25:06

I'm just worried whether there's a warning outside the penguin enclosure.

0:25:060:25:12

How would you phrase that for visiting school parties?

0:25:120:25:15

"Warning! Penguin might be buggering auntie, uncle, granddad..."

0:25:150:25:19

Stephen, maybe they can't tell, right, and I just... Don't go mad,

0:25:200:25:26

the animal rights people or anyone else, but maybe if we drug them

0:25:260:25:32

and sex them and then we put tiny bikinis on some of them.

0:25:320:25:35

Then the grown-up penguins

0:25:370:25:39

can tell who they should be having sex with and who they shouldn't.

0:25:390:25:42

Not bikinis. A nun's habit.

0:25:420:25:43

That would confuse the priests!

0:25:460:25:48

But the Adelie penguins were the kind this man looked at,

0:25:500:25:53

and it's now thought that his idea of necrophilia was probably wrong.

0:25:530:25:58

-They were asleep.

-Yeah, they were!

0:25:580:26:00

Was it not that a female lying there dead with their eyes like that

0:26:020:26:05

looked a bit like a "come hither" look to a penguin?

0:26:050:26:08

Yes, they can't tell the difference between a frozen dead one

0:26:080:26:11

and a living one. They look as if they're coming on to you if they're lying there dead.

0:26:110:26:15

I've had that experience quite a few times.

0:26:150:26:17

It's actually very hard to sex a penguin,

0:26:190:26:22

-by which I mean to determine its gender.

-Give it that stick.

0:26:220:26:25

Not for them. They seem to know instinctively,

0:26:250:26:27

either by smell or some other thing.

0:26:270:26:29

One of the common ways of being pretty sure,

0:26:290:26:32

assuming it's a straight penguin, is muddy footprints on the female

0:26:320:26:35

tells you that it's a female because it's been walked on by the male.

0:26:350:26:39

The feminists are going to love this bit. Footprints on a woman.

0:26:390:26:44

That's for sex.

0:26:460:26:48

It's quite Almodovar, though, isn't it, if it's high heels.

0:26:480:26:51

But I don't think it's high heels in the case of penguins.

0:26:510:26:53

You don't THINK?

0:26:530:26:55

I was trying to be, you know, not too assertive in my knowledge.

0:26:580:27:02

Their life is astounding.

0:27:020:27:04

I mean, you kind of think they've drawn the short straw in life.

0:27:040:27:07

The miserable cold they have to endure for so long.

0:27:070:27:09

Is it true they used to fall over during the Falklands? Is that true?

0:27:090:27:13

Lots of planes came over, which they hadn't seen before,

0:27:130:27:17

and they went, "Whoa!"

0:27:170:27:19

-It's unfortunately a myth. It's not true.

-Oh, it's a lovely story.

0:27:200:27:23

It's a nice story, but it's not true.

0:27:230:27:25

Can you imagine in the bird world if you introduced postcodes?

0:27:250:27:29

Penguins would move.

0:27:290:27:31

-Yes, they would! SW3.

-Somewhere warmer and bigger wings.

0:27:310:27:35

I don't think they would want to move,

0:27:350:27:37

because they've got flippers and flat feet.

0:27:370:27:40

-They need ice to move around on.

-They're born for it.

0:27:400:27:42

They're not going to say, "I'm going to move to the Himalayas,"

0:27:420:27:45

-or, "I'm going to move somewhere..."

-You know what, Janet?

0:27:450:27:47

You haven't thought this through, because one,

0:27:470:27:49

they wouldn't know what a postcode is.

0:27:490:27:52

And two, they can't fly!

0:27:520:27:55

And I doubt one of them getting on a plane,

0:27:550:27:58

by themselves, acting casual after raping all the family.

0:27:580:28:02

I would imagine they'd be on a no-flight...

0:28:050:28:07

APPLAUSE

0:28:070:28:10

I'm just saying, in an ideal world, given the choice, the penguins

0:28:120:28:15

would go, "We've had the short end of the deal." That's all I'm saying.

0:28:150:28:21

Don't turn this into Question Time!

0:28:210:28:23

-It's like being in a home for the elderly.

-It really is.

0:28:250:28:28

They keep taking me stuff!

0:28:280:28:30

All right, all right, whatever...

0:28:300:28:34

LAUGHTER

0:28:340:28:36

Are we having fish?!

0:28:360:28:37

-Wheel him into the sun lounge...

-Shut up, Mr Penguin!

0:28:390:28:42

So, how did a bunch of choir boys plan to drive Hitler mad?

0:28:440:28:49

We've been very literal there. There's Hitler in a straitjacket.

0:28:500:28:54

It's a, it's a plot. I do know this.

0:28:540:28:56

-Yeah?

-Porn.

-Pornography.

-Pornography, they were going to drive him mad with pornography.

0:28:560:29:00

-That's absolutely right.

-Was the plan.

-Yeah.

0:29:000:29:02

They had groups called the Cowboys, who were behind enemy lines,

0:29:020:29:05

and the Choir Boys were the people in Washington.

0:29:050:29:07

-That's right.

-And they came up with bonkers ideas.

0:29:070:29:10

All kinds of suggestions. I mean, we did too, bouncing bombs, ridiculous

0:29:100:29:13

and yet that was one that worked.

0:29:130:29:15

And Churchill chose the date precisely in May 1943,

0:29:150:29:18

when the floods were at their full height in the dams

0:29:180:29:21

and he was in Washington, so that if it worked he could announce it.

0:29:210:29:24

And it would be the first real invasion into German territory

0:29:240:29:27

that caused a massive difference.

0:29:270:29:30

And Lord Cherwell, his scientific adviser, said to him, reportedly,

0:29:300:29:33

"But what if it doesn't work?"

0:29:330:29:36

And Churchill said, "Then no-one will ever hear anything about it."

0:29:360:29:40

And that's the point about these mad schemes.

0:29:400:29:42

There were all these really zany plans. But most of them we don't know about.

0:29:420:29:46

And a lot of them were covered up and probably we never will. We know about the ones that work.

0:29:460:29:50

This is one that didn't work but we do know about.

0:29:500:29:52

-But this was smut. They were going to drop smut.

-Basically, it was pornography.

0:29:520:29:55

-All over Germany, and...

-Well, particularly to drive Hitler mad, over Berchtesgaden,

0:29:550:30:00

his residence.

0:30:000:30:01

So leaflets were going to cascade down from the sky.

0:30:010:30:04

-That would drive him mad.

-Absolutely.

0:30:040:30:06

The US Army Air Corps described it as insane and refused to do it.

0:30:060:30:09

But it did have an important role to play, pornography.

0:30:090:30:12

And of course, these were ones that the Germans

0:30:120:30:14

dropped on the Allies, because they did the same thing.

0:30:140:30:17

Germans and Japanese.

0:30:170:30:19

We didn't have much of a porno war effort, in Britain.

0:30:190:30:22

We were squeamish. The senior officers,

0:30:220:30:24

one was quoted saying he would, "Rather lose the war than take part".

0:30:240:30:28

Which is simply extraordinary. Air Marshal Sir Arthur "Bomber" Harris didn't approve,

0:30:280:30:31

said it was just like sending them free lavatory paper.

0:30:310:30:34

What does it say about our troops that the German troops were willing

0:30:340:30:38

to drop the pornography and ours are going, "Well, I'm not giving it away.

0:30:380:30:42

-"Keep it Frank, we'll sell..."

-I like to think it was a more decent reason than that, Johnny.

0:30:420:30:47

"We'll sell it when we get back."

0:30:470:30:48

But dropping leaflets was a big thing, the first the Danes knew of

0:30:480:30:51

the Germans invading was that the leaflets were dropping over...

0:30:510:30:54

Yes, leaflet dropping was a huge thing. Absolutely right.

0:30:540:30:57

It was what's called a black op, we'd call it now.

0:30:570:30:59

Do you know, you must know, Stephen, about the eavesdropping cat

0:30:590:31:02

-that the CIA came up with.

-I've heard about it.

0:31:020:31:04

The most brilliant idea.

0:31:040:31:06

They got this cat and they inserted a transmitter

0:31:060:31:09

and the aerial was in its tail, and this was in Moscow,

0:31:090:31:14

and the idea was that it would walk past Russian spies

0:31:140:31:17

sitting on a bench and it would overhear.

0:31:170:31:20

And they spent millions on this cat, and it was terrific

0:31:200:31:24

and they'd worked it all out, and on its very first outing in the park,

0:31:240:31:27

it got hit by a taxi.

0:31:270:31:29

-It was known as Acoustic Kitty.

-That's right, Acoustic Kitty.

0:31:300:31:34

Poor Acoustic Kitty.

0:31:340:31:35

The bouncing bomb would be a war crime now, wouldn't it,

0:31:350:31:38

-for the civilians killed?

-There were a lot of civilians killed.

0:31:380:31:41

I don't know if it was a legitimate war target or not, in total war. I don't think...

0:31:410:31:44

-I think since they've agreed.

-There was a good story I came across

0:31:440:31:47

when I was writing a script for the Dam Busters

0:31:470:31:50

and there was one of the members of one of the crews which

0:31:500:31:53

crashed after dropping its bomb, and was picked up by the Germans.

0:31:530:31:56

And they were treated pretty well, and one of them said,

0:31:560:31:59

"Well, what do you need? You know, according to the laws of, you know,

0:31:590:32:03

"the Geneva Convention, you know, are you thirsty?" They said a glass of water would be lovely.

0:32:030:32:07

And he said, "Are you joking? You have just destroyed our water supply."

0:32:070:32:10

And that was the first time the guy realised that one of the bombs had actually worked.

0:32:100:32:14

And that's how he found out that the Mohne had gone, because he was

0:32:140:32:17

saying there is no water, which is quite sweet in its own peculiar way.

0:32:170:32:20

-Anyway...

-HE HUMS DAMBUSTERS THEME

0:32:200:32:23

One mad idea to win the war was to use pornography to drive

0:32:230:32:27

Hitler mad, as if he wasn't already.

0:32:270:32:29

So, what is 80% of the Kama Sutra about? Back to kinkiness.

0:32:290:32:33

-Hygiene.

-Hygiene!

0:32:330:32:36

-Gymnastics.

-Intercourse.

0:32:370:32:41

Oh! Dear me, no.

0:32:410:32:43

Well, intercourse can have the meanings,

0:32:430:32:46

but the fact is only 20% is about sex.

0:32:460:32:49

Most of it is about all kinds of other fascinating subjects.

0:32:490:32:52

How to be a good citizen, insight into relationships between men

0:32:520:32:55

and women, tips on tattooing, the art of making your bed,

0:32:550:32:59

playing on musical glasses which are filled with water,

0:32:590:33:02

making lemonade, solving word puzzles, knowledge of mines

0:33:020:33:06

and quarries, the art of cockfighting. No, don't...

0:33:060:33:10

The art of teaching parrots and starlings to speak.

0:33:110:33:14

Nine pages devoted to the care of wives

0:33:140:33:18

and 26 pages on how to seduce other men's wives.

0:33:180:33:20

That's a bit strange.

0:33:210:33:23

I love this idea of a child setting up a lemonade stand and saying,

0:33:230:33:25

"Courtesy of the Kama Sutra."

0:33:250:33:28

-But on the video, on the film of the book...

-Yes, on 20% of the book.

0:33:290:33:33

There's very, very little starling chat.

0:33:330:33:36

I suspect you were getting a video of 20% of the Kama Sutra.

0:33:360:33:41

The author was a celibate Indian sage,

0:33:410:33:43

so what he knew, goodness knows,

0:33:430:33:46

but he was called Vatsyayana,

0:33:460:33:47

and he lived sometime between the first and sixth century.

0:33:470:33:50

Sometimes, very cleverly, there is a moral tone that distances itself

0:33:500:33:53

between what it tells you... It says, for example,

0:33:530:33:56

all oral sex is wrong. It then spends pages and pages

0:33:560:33:58

telling you how to do it.

0:33:580:34:00

-Now, who came up with the missionary position.

-A missionary.

0:34:020:34:05

No!

0:34:050:34:07

KLAXON SOUNDS

0:34:070:34:09

What is the missionary position, first?

0:34:090:34:11

It's the approved position by a missionary.

0:34:110:34:14

Lady on her back, man on top.

0:34:150:34:18

Yes, it's a mistake made by the famous sexologist Kinsey

0:34:180:34:23

who named it...

0:34:230:34:24

What has been Photoshopped out of that picture?

0:34:240:34:26

Has Mrs Kinsey been removed?

0:34:290:34:32

He of course wrote a book on the sexuality of the American male

0:34:320:34:35

and the American female, which shocked America extraordinarily.

0:34:350:34:39

He said that 96% of American males masturbate regularly

0:34:390:34:43

and he was asked what the hell that said about the American male.

0:34:430:34:46

He said, "It says 4% lie."

0:34:460:34:48

But as far as the missionary position is concerned,

0:34:490:34:52

it was an anthropologist called Bronislaw Malinowski

0:34:520:34:55

who described an engaged couple holding hands

0:34:550:34:58

and leaning against each other in what was known as "misinari si bubunela",

0:34:580:35:03

missionary fashion, and that was just friendliness, leaning on each other.

0:35:030:35:06

It was nothing to do with man-on-top sex.

0:35:060:35:08

He said it was introduced by white traders,

0:35:080:35:11

planters or officials, but never used the word missionary,

0:35:110:35:14

but it was Kinsey who somehow just got it wrong.

0:35:140:35:16

Kinsey himself was a very odd man.

0:35:160:35:18

He had an irrational hatred of... the potato.

0:35:180:35:22

-Even chips?

-I guess all forms of the potato.

-Do we know why?

0:35:220:35:27

No, it was irrational, that's the point.

0:35:270:35:29

I was married to a man that had an irrational fear of tomatoes.

0:35:290:35:33

He was a great big burly film director, very macho bloke,

0:35:330:35:37

but put a tomato in front of him and he'd start crying.

0:35:370:35:40

Day in, day out, you did that. A cherry won in the medicine cabinet.

0:35:420:35:47

Ah!

0:35:470:35:48

-Did you know why?

-Irrational.

0:35:500:35:54

If there was a reason, it would a rational fear of tomatoes.

0:35:560:36:00

There's no such which thing as a rational fear of tomatoes! That's ridiculous.

0:36:000:36:03

An irrational fear can have some starting point.

0:36:040:36:07

As a child, a tomato reared up at him.

0:36:070:36:09

If I didn't want to have sex,

0:36:090:36:10

-I had a tomato sandwich by the bed.

-Very clever.

0:36:100:36:13

"Come on, Janet. Oh, God! A tomato sandwich. Good night."

0:36:130:36:19

When Kinsey was nervous, he would speak in a Scottish accent,

0:36:230:36:26

although he was born and raised in New Jersey.

0:36:260:36:28

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: "I'm so upset. I'm afraid."

0:36:280:36:31

That's right.

0:36:310:36:33

And he trained himself to be able to insert pencils into his penis.

0:36:330:36:37

-Into his penis?

-Into, into the urethra.

-He trained himself?

0:36:370:36:41

You wouldn't train anyone else, would you, to do that?

0:36:410:36:45

He might have put a sign up and then thought,

0:36:450:36:47

"Due to lack of applicants..."

0:36:470:36:49

-That not only a pencil, but a toothbrush, bristles first.

-No!

0:36:510:36:56

-Yes!

-Every year, when his wife's going, "He's impossible to buy for,"

0:36:560:37:00

and he's going, "A travel pouch. A pencil case!

0:37:000:37:05

"I'm tired of carrying things round in my penis."

0:37:050:37:09

"What about a travel iron?" "No!"

0:37:090:37:13

His wife actually said, "I don't see much of Alfred since he got interested in sex,"

0:37:130:37:17

which is a terribly sad thing for a wife to say about her husband.

0:37:170:37:20

-Why he pushed things up his penis, again, no idea.

-Irrational.

0:37:200:37:24

So, anyway, which of these foods would give you the same

0:37:240:37:27

number of calories as used in the average sex session?

0:37:270:37:30

-I don't think it's a lot of...

-You don't think it's many calories.

0:37:300:37:33

-I think it's quite a lot.

-You think it's a lot.

-Do you? You think it's pizza lot?

0:37:330:37:37

I think it's about 400 calories.

0:37:370:37:39

400 calories, which would be a good pizza at least, wouldn't it?

0:37:390:37:42

-Maybe a slice of pizza, not a whole one.

-Slice of pizza, yeah. You think it's fewer?

0:37:420:37:46

I'm going to go for the steak.

0:37:460:37:47

-Well, it's interesting.

-I'm going to go for the burger.

0:37:470:37:50

-You'll have the burger.

-I'll have a slice of tart.

-You'll have a slice of tart. Hey.

0:37:500:37:54

-But without the bread.

-And what about you?

-I'll have the courgette and the shrimp,

0:37:540:37:57

-because it's got quite a lot of possibilities.

-Yes, that is a good ploy.

0:37:570:38:01

Well, David Allison, who is a bio-statistician at the University of Alabama, looked into it.

0:38:010:38:06

And the average sex session takes only six minutes.

0:38:060:38:10

What, from beginning to end?

0:38:100:38:13

So the amount of calories used would be 20,

0:38:130:38:15

that's about the same as one egg white or a very small meringue.

0:38:150:38:18

LAUGHTER

0:38:180:38:23

There you are. That's...

0:38:230:38:24

Does the six minutes include the bit where you watch the news?

0:38:240:38:28

What, to see if you've made it on?

0:38:280:38:30

"We've done it, let's put the news on."

0:38:300:38:33

Kinsey showed that it is no easy task describing people's sex lives,

0:38:330:38:36

so these figures are up for argument.

0:38:360:38:38

A 2008 survey by Durex, who might be regarded as having

0:38:380:38:41

a sort of vested interest, as makers of...

0:38:410:38:43

Oh. That's The Graduate, isn't it? The stage version. Anyway...

0:38:430:38:47

She's got that look, hasn't she?

0:38:470:38:48

She has. That was a disappointment, quite clearly.

0:38:480:38:51

-Yeah.

-That was half a meringue.

-Yeah.

-"Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Robinson?"

0:38:510:38:55

Anyway, Durex reported the average Briton enjoys 22.5 minutes of foreplay,

0:38:550:39:00

while another survey at around the same time in Men's Health

0:39:000:39:04

claimed that British men only last 18.64 minutes from foreplay to climax.

0:39:040:39:09

So if we level out those different statistics, we could argue that British men take,

0:39:090:39:13

in terms of actual intercourse itself, minus 3.86 minutes.

0:39:130:39:17

In the Second World War,

0:39:190:39:21

they used condoms to protect the ends of the rifle.

0:39:210:39:23

-In the north, in the final attack on Norway.

-It was so successful

0:39:230:39:26

that they decided that they could do with some

0:39:260:39:28

for their 18-inch guns and special condoms were manufactured by...

0:39:280:39:32

-Is this the Churchill story?

-Yes, by Durex.

0:39:320:39:34

We've told it on QI, but tell it again, because it's good.

0:39:340:39:37

Well, Churchill insisted that they be sent out in boxes marked

0:39:370:39:40

"for British service personnel use only. Size small."

0:39:400:39:43

He added, "That'll show 'em who's the master race."

0:39:450:39:48

So, if you want to work off the weight gained by eating

0:39:580:40:01

a tiny meringue, sex should do it.

0:40:010:40:03

Now it's time for one of my knick-knacks,

0:40:030:40:05

a little scientific experiment.

0:40:050:40:07

And all I have to do, yes, I know, it's terribly exciting,

0:40:070:40:09

-isn't it, is bring up this.

-Ah ha!

0:40:090:40:11

I don't know if you can see in here the tiny little

0:40:110:40:13

grains of a little kind of, a little crystalline matter.

0:40:130:40:18

-And a bottle here.

-Salt and vinegar.

0:40:180:40:21

It looks like salt and vinegar. Bizarrely, that is what is used

0:40:210:40:23

for flavouring salt and vinegar, sodium acetate.

0:40:230:40:26

It's got caustic soda and vinegar, which is what makes sodium acetate.

0:40:260:40:30

It's then dissolved slowly in water. It's very unstable, if I shook it, it would instantly crystallise,

0:40:300:40:34

so I'm going to be very careful about this. But if you add it to crystals, it also crystallises,

0:40:340:40:38

-and I hope to make a dildo for you.

-Oh, good.

0:40:380:40:41

A dildo just out of this liquid.

0:40:410:40:43

I'm going to stand up to do it, if the camera allows me to, because

0:40:430:40:46

it needs a steady hand and I need to keep rising as I'm slowly pouring.

0:40:460:40:49

It's a bit like making mayonnaise, you know, very slowly adding,

0:40:490:40:52

adding the oil.

0:40:520:40:54

-It's nothing like making mayonnaise.

-No, you very slowly...

0:40:540:40:57

You're making a phallus.

0:40:570:40:58

You very... No, no, in terms of the making, but in terms of the pouring.

0:40:580:41:01

This could ruin Mothers' Day for some people.

0:41:010:41:03

I'm just going to slowly pour it.

0:41:030:41:05

Can you see there's a tiny bit of crystal on there?

0:41:050:41:07

So a really very, very small amount.

0:41:070:41:09

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Here we are.

0:41:090:41:10

I've got to have a steady slow stream, let's just hope it works.

0:41:100:41:14

Oooh!

0:41:190:41:20

Oh, I say.

0:41:200:41:22

-JOHNNY:

-It's a snowman dildo.

0:41:240:41:27

# We're walking in the air... #

0:41:290:41:31

LAUGHTER

0:41:310:41:33

# We're going to land for just awhile... #

0:41:350:41:39

"Snowman needs his private time!"

0:41:390:41:41

"Get off me back!"

0:41:460:41:48

It's not very easy to be very accurate.

0:41:480:41:51

I've got to keep doing higher, otherwise it'll touch itself

0:41:510:41:54

and blow back into the bottle. But there you go. How's that?

0:41:540:41:57

Aah!

0:41:570:41:58

APPLAUSE

0:41:580:42:01

It's exothermic nucleation,

0:42:050:42:07

for the science heads out there.

0:42:070:42:09

It's slightly warm. It feels rather gorgeous, and, I mean...

0:42:090:42:13

-It's a nice...

-He made one earlier.

0:42:150:42:17

It's a nice consistency, it's not poisonous, it's not dangerous, but it's a wonderful effect, isn't it?

0:42:170:42:23

-Yes, I like it.

-It's gorgeous. Yeah, there you are.

0:42:230:42:25

It's not an absolutely perfect dildo, but it's...

0:42:250:42:27

What's disturbing is it looks like mine.

0:42:270:42:29

Yes, exactly.

0:42:290:42:31

So that was the supersaturated sodium acetate knick-knack.

0:42:310:42:35

And these are the final scores.

0:42:350:42:37

And for possibly the first time, we have three people on plus scores.

0:42:370:42:42

-It's thrilling.

-What?

0:42:420:42:44

The winner, with 11 is Sandi Toksvig.

0:42:440:42:47

APPLAUSE

0:42:470:42:49

In a very, very fine second place

0:42:490:42:52

with three points is Johnny Vegas.

0:42:520:42:55

APPLAUSE

0:42:550:42:59

And with a shatteringly impressive plus two, Janet Street-Porter.

0:42:590:43:03

Brilliant!

0:43:030:43:05

And the only one plunging into sub-zero conditions,

0:43:050:43:09

I'm afraid, is Alan Davies with minus 15.

0:43:090:43:13

APPLAUSE

0:43:130:43:15

So it's good night from Sandi, Johnny, Janet, Alan and me.

0:43:200:43:24

Be very, very special with yourselves, goodbye, bye.

0:43:240:43:27

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0:43:410:43:44

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