Killers QI XL


Killers

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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(YODELS) Gooooooood evening,

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good evening, good evening, good evening

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good evening and welcome to QI, where tonight's theme is Killers.

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And our keen ktenologists - look it up - are...

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the menacing Jason Manford.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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The merciless Sandi Toksvig.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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The murderous Trevor Noah.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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And the mostly harmless Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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So, let's hear their homicidal death-knells. Sandi goes...

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CLOCK CHIMES

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Just once. Jason goes...

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CROW CAWS

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Trevor goes...

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KNIVES SCRAPE

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And Alan goes...

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# Killing me softly with his song Killing me softly... #

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Well, it was common in the Second World War, death by Flack.

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So, name the world's second-best hunter.

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I mean, human beings must be the first, surely.

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We get rid of entire species without any trouble at all.

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Which one is that? Second-best hunter...

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Do you recognise him? Hemingway.

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That's Hemingway, he was mad on hunting.

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And man is indeed the most efficient,

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we wipe out whole species. Yes, so who's second?

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Sharks. Killer whale.

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I always get... Killer whale is the right answer.

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Very good.

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He's even got it in his name.

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That's how successful he is, he even called himself a killer.

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He's even got the word killer in his name, you're right.

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And the point about the killer whale is firstly,

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that they're misnamed, that it was the Spanish name for them,

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which we misinterpreted as killer whale.

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They're actually whale killers. They kill whales.

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I've seen a documentary where they pursued a mother and a baby.

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Grey whale, yeah.

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For hundreds of miles. Up the coast of California, probably.

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Two or three of them, and eventually they get too tired to fend them off

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and then they eat the baby whale.

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I know, the point is they act in packs. And they're not whales.

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They're people.

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Can you tell from, almost from the arcing leap that he's making.

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It's a dolphin.

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They are dolphins that really, really are very intelligent.

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And they have an amazing way of attacking their prey.

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And apart from whales, they're particularly fond of a juicy...?

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Seals. They eat... Yeah, they love their seals.

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But what's so impressive is the technique they use

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and also how they... Well, they beach themselves, don't they?

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They actually... That's one way,

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is they actually get them on land, yeah.

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But there's an even more impressive way, which is they

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try and tilt the little ice flow that the seals will be on...

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Knock them off. And if the ice flow is too big,

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they line up in a row with a leader who sort of blows a signal.

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The young ones watch and they literally,

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they sort of check that the young ones are watching so they learn

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the technique, and then line abreast, they charge the ice flow,

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creating a bow wave, which goes over the ice flow so the seal falls off.

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We can show you that. Here they are.

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There you are, there's the line of them.

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And there's, the wave is going to go right over the...woof!

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Knock the poor thing off.

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But it's very cunning. And sad. And sad, it's true.

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Clever. But, damn, it's clever.

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Another smart move that was observed in 2005 by...

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What is the other word for a killer whale? I'm sure you know. Orca.

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Yeah. A group was found, or at least a single orca was seen,

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regurgitating into the sea.

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And herrings then flocked down to eat the puke...

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Sorry, did I say herrings? I meant herring gulls.

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And I come from the land of the herring

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and I'd lost myself in this story.

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These birds swooped down onto the puke and started to eat it

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and it then ate the birds. So it was a clever strategy. Bait.

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It was bait. It created its own bait by throwing up.

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And then other orcas were seen to imitate it.

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It had never been observed before and that's what's

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so dolphin-like about them.

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They learn new behaviours and transmit them.

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Do you think it discovered it by accident?

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It'd had a bit of a night on the sauce and... Probably.

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Oh, hello, the gulls are coming. Almost certainly.

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It'd probably eaten a dodgy prawn. Yes.

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It's one of the worst things about being sea life.

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Constantly eating seafood all the time.

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That's right, they don't have a vegetarian option.

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Also, as you rightly said, they do attack on land,

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that's to say they come precariously close to beaching themselves.

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They're always in disguise then, aren't they?

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They wear hats and scarves. They look like lifeguards.

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Seal moustaches. Two of them on each other's shoulders with a long coat.

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We can see them doing it actually,

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we've got a little bit of footage of the attack of the orca

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on the poor old...

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The seals think, "We're safe now..." Oh, no.

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Ooh.

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But, oh...

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Well, it's in there somewhere. Oh, there we go.

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You should voice-over more wildlife documentaries.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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That one got away.

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Bizarrely enough, I did voice-over one called Ocean Giants,

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which was about dolphins and whales, yeah, precisely.

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But fortunately it wasn't quite such a vague script.

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I did a show for the BBC called Walk On The Wild Side.

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Oh, yes, I did one of those, yeah.

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And you did, you played a panda I think, that was over-eating

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or something. And we also had Sir Tom Jones do one.

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And everyone, like yourself, we just sent them the script

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and, you know, it takes two minutes just to record it

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and send it back in. And Tom Jones,

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we just got a phone call one day in the studio,

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and he said, "I've been, I've been sent this script

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"saying you want me to play a lion." I was like, "Yeah, that's right.

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He went, "I don't really like lions." And I was like, "What?"

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Like...

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and I said, "Well, we're recording tomorrow,

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"is there any animal you'd prefer?"

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He went, "I'm a big fan of the penguin."

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I had like 24 hours to write a penguin sketch.

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Did it sing, the penguin? Did you get it to sing?

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No, it was just, it was a penguin... It did when he'd finished with it.

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Well, there you are. Killer whales, they're not whales,

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but they are killers.

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Now, how can a bottle of whisky save your life?

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Ah.

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Well, in a fight, I'm assuming.

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Is it the bottle or the contents?

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It's the contents, ingestion of whisky.

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Well, if you suffer trauma and you've got ethanol

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in your system, presumably you're going to be better off. Presumably...

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Shut up! How did you know that?!

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Because I've had a lot of trauma while drunk.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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You are absolutely right.

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There is a documented case where it was literally a bottle of whisky.

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There was a New Zealand chef called Duthie,

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who went on a vodka binge, and he went blind.

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He was literally blind drunk.

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They think it was because he was on diabetic medication,

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and that this basically turned it all into formaldehyde,

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which can cause blindness, as well as preserving you very nicely.

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And the usual thing is to put someone on an ethanol drip.

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They didn't have any medical ethanol in this particular hospital,

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but they did have an offy, so they went and got a bottle

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of Johnny Walker Black Label, and they put him on a drip,

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and five days later, he woke up with sight fully restored.

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Wow! Wow.

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On a whisky drip. It was a whisky drip, literally a bottle of whisky.

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Sounds like a good name for a pub, doesn't it? It does, actually.

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The Whisky Drip. I think it's a fact,

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if you have an accident or a serious injury and you're drunk at the time,

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you're probably more likely to recover than if you are...

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Shut up again!

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..sober. Oh, sorry.

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Did you sneak into my dressing rooms and look at my cards?

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No, no, no! I mean, I know this. I wrote a play,

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which was a lot about soldiers and how they deal with things.

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And some of the soldiers who were intoxicated at the time

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of the battle did better, they recovered better.

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Well, you're absolutely right. Did you know this?

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TREVOR: I always knew about the rag doll effect,

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if you have the alcohol and then if you fall or if you're in a

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car accident, because you don't brace,

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it's the same as a baby, if you drop babies, they're fine, they just...

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So if you're drunk, that's why you recover quicker,

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because you just don't brace and then you, it just goes through you.

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Do you think they probably end up in more situations

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where you're likely to get hurt?

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That is a true, because...

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You get other injuries, you get other DRIs, don't you,

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Drink Related Injuries. DRIs, I like the fact you know that.

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That's a bit disturbing. Yeah, well a friend I know...

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All right, we've got Mr Davies presenting with a DRI again.

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I had a friend who had a great DRI where he managed to get home,

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against all odds, and then fell asleep against a radiator.

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Oh!

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Quite a nasty burn on his arm, he had. Yeah.

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There was like a practical joke, like kids did,

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when I was growing up, which was to fill a ball, a football,

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up with cement, for example, you know, from somebody's garden...

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Oh, wow! You fill a football and leave it outside a pub.

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And drunk men cannot resist.

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Oh, Jesus!

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They just can't resist a football.

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"I've got this one, Dave!"

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Oh, argh!

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That is the... It's a hell of a practical joke, but it's...

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Especially if you put a goal post on the wall. Yeah.

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But this is extraordinary, all I have to do is fill in the dots here.

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It was Lee Friedman of the University of Illinois in Chicago

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who spent 14 years examining this effect.

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He analysed the blood alcohol of 190,000 trauma patients.

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He found that with the exception of burns,

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death rates from all types of traumatic injury fell as

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blood alcohol levels rose, which is extraordinary, isn't it?

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190,000 seems like an enormous number of...

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It's a big cohort, as they would say, isn't it?

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Exactly. Which makes it quite a respected study.

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Amongst the extremely drunk, mortality rates were cut by

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nearly 50%. Gunshot and stab victims, however,

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showed the greatest benefit, which wouldn't be the ragdoll effect,

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I don't suppose. There's some kind of anaesthetic element to it really.

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There is the anaesthetic element, which I suppose makes you behave

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less dramatically in a way that increases blood flow.

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Yeah... "Oh! I'm bleeding!"

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You say, "Oh, look at that." "Oh, no! Oh, no!

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"Awww.

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"Must've been shot!

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"Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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"Oh, I'd better just have a short.

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"And then I think I'll go to hospital,

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"it's going to be so busy on a weekend."

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"One more Jager Bomb couldn't do any harm, could it?"

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"Well, this isn't going to wait..."

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Yeah, exactly.

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"Come on, let's go to hospital.

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"They've got a bar, they'll have a bar there."

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"Hobs, hobsital."

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"I'm fine. I've been shot, but I'm fine."

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Amongst drivers, however, you were two to four times more likely to die

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in a car crash, or of a car crash, as it were, involved in a car crash.

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But I think you've covered everything quite brilliantly.

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There's the ragdoll effect

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and there seems to be an improvement in recovery from trauma.

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So if you think you're going to get shot or stabbed, get drunk first.

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Now you use a silver bullet for...?

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Vampires. You could try it on a vampire,

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I don't think it would do any good. Got to be a werewolf.

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Or silver does, or silver...

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Oh, is silver good for vampires? Silver's good for vampires.

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Are these real now? You're very knowledgeable about this.

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The reality of vampires.

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Because part of the myth was that the silver came from the coins

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that Judas got, you remember. Yes, 30 pieces.

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The first vampire came from Judas when he was...

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when he hung himself after Jesus...

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SANDI: Did he turn into a vampire?

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TREVOR: Well, they say that Judas became the first vampire,

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and then the silver burns them

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because that's what they gave Judas to betray.

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He got the silver pieces. So that's why it's silver for all of them,

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but you want a bullet for a wolf because they're fast.

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Vampires, just, the gun is useless, so...

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Well, that's covered the vampire side of the question

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quite perfectly. But the square bullet, on the other hand,

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these don't need to be silver. Against who would...?

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I think this is... I think this is a very old gun

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and I think it's something politically incorrect.

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Is that right? Again, yeah. You've been...

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I'm going to test my cards for your DNA and fingerprints.

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No, it's the... I'm slightly distracted

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cos that so looks like a woman I went out with, but...

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APPLAUSE

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Every morning I'd say the word orthodontist.

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I don't think any man would ask for oral sex

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from that particular werewolf, to be perfectly honest.

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I think that would be a risk.

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You're right, it was designed in the early part of the 18th century,

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in fact in 1718. I think it was to kill Turks. Turks.

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Turks, but most specifically Muslims, I think.

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The square bullet was to show them how great Christianity was.

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I think that was the kind of plan behind the square bullet.

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There was a specific gun...

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It was called the Puckle Gun.

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Puckle Gun, James Puckle. James Puckle, invented it in 1718,

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and his idea was that you used the round bullets for Christians,

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and the square bullets were for the Ottoman Turks.

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Quite a good idea, the square bullet,

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because if you drop one, it won't roll away.

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There is, however, a bad side to it.

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You can't rifle a square bullet,

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and it's the rifling that gives it accuracy through the air.

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So are they a bit rubbish, the square bullets?

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It makes it spin and go fast. It would just go wobble, wobble

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wobble, wobble. Wouldn't hit anybody.

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So if you were a Turk or a Muslim,

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you'd be encouraging the square bullet.

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"I think you should definitely use the square ones on us."

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It was supposed to show the benefits of Christianity,

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in fact it showed, it inferred, the deficiency of James Puckle's ideas

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of aerodynamics and rifling.

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You might hit a Christian!

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You might accidentally hit a Christian.

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It's not really right to call it the first machine gun,

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but it was three times faster to load and fire

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than the current musket.

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It was nine rounds a minute, which wasn't bad for 1718.

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It's interesting, cos I guess technically the first bulletproof

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vests were created by the Zulus, when they were fighting the British.

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And Shaka discovered that if you dip your leather shield in water

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before you go into battle, then the pellets couldn't penetrate.

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Oh, is it really, was that...? Yeah, yeah, that's...

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It hardened the leather that much. Yeah, and that's how the Zulus

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could kill so many. Because what will happen is,

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they only needed one bullet and then they would advance so quickly

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that then they would kill five or six British people

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before they could reload.

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Do you have Zulu blood in you?

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I do, I guess, yes, because...

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HE CLICKS TONGUE ..Xhosa people are of the Zulus.

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Oh, you're Xhosa. Oh, do that again, I love that. I'm half Xhosa.

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Oh, do it again. Xhosa. Xhosa. I can't do that.

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It's given as an exclamation mark, isn't it?

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No, that's the X. There's three clicks.

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There's the X... LATERAL CLICK

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There's the Q... POSTALVEOLAR CLICK

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And the C, which is... CENTRAL CLICK

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Those are the three different...

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Oh, it's just... I love that. So that's the... You've seduced me.

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Not that you wanted to, I'm sure.

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Who was that wonderful... Was it Miriam Makeba who sang...

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Yes, The Click Song. It goes...

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HE SINGS THE CLICK SONG

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That's the song. Oooooh!

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APPLAUSE

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Yeah, so the Xhosa's were technically...

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they were basically pacifists of the Zulus, you know.

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They were chased out, they separated from the tribe. Right.

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So they weren't as... Like, the Zulus were really our pride...

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In terms of military, they are our pride and joy, they are...

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With the assegais...

0:15:400:15:41

Yeah. Everything they did was revolutionary, just like the first...

0:15:410:15:44

They were the first ones with the shortened spear,

0:15:440:15:47

so Shaka invented a spear that was quicker to stab with

0:15:470:15:50

and not as cumbersome to lug around.

0:15:500:15:52

Right, like a sort of javelin... Yes, yes, yes.

0:15:520:15:54

Cos the spear hadn't really been changed over all those years,

0:15:540:15:57

and he... So he changed that, he changed everything.

0:15:570:15:59

He was one of the best military, you know... Yeah.

0:15:590:16:01

You guys...if it wasn't for the guns, you guys wouldn't be here.

0:16:010:16:04

I know, we wouldn't have had a chance.

0:16:040:16:06

Just do that bit of singing again.

0:16:060:16:08

With the...? Just do that bit of singing again.

0:16:080:16:11

SINGS THE CLICK SONG

0:16:110:16:15

That's the song.

0:16:150:16:16

You don't know me well, Trevor, but I'm on the turn, I'm telling you.

0:16:160:16:20

APPLAUSE

0:16:200:16:21

You've only got Jason and Alan left to seduce, Trevor, I have to say.

0:16:260:16:30

I think he's a cracking fella.

0:16:300:16:32

Well, there you go, that's your man Puckle and again, well done, Sandi.

0:16:350:16:38

The knowledge, just amazing.

0:16:380:16:39

Now, here's a killer question for you, Alan. We are both actors.

0:16:390:16:42

Why are we so grotesquely overpaid?

0:16:420:16:45

Market forces.

0:16:450:16:47

We're not in charge of the distribution of wealth.

0:16:480:16:51

Any excuse we can think of.

0:16:520:16:54

What profession within the film industry might think that

0:16:540:16:58

they are responsible entirely for the way an actor conveys...

0:16:580:17:02

Screenwriters? The screenwriter certainly has a lot,

0:17:020:17:05

as far as the story is concerned, but they can't control,

0:17:050:17:07

as it were, what an audience reads into an actor's eyes.

0:17:070:17:11

Cameraman?

0:17:110:17:13

The editor. The editor, yeah.

0:17:130:17:14

In 1919, when cinema was being born, there was

0:17:140:17:17

a film-maker called Lev Kuleshov

0:17:170:17:19

and he proposed putting together a film in which

0:17:190:17:23

you saw an actor looking at things

0:17:230:17:26

and you noticed that the audience read into the actor

0:17:260:17:31

different emotions according to what they are looking at.

0:17:310:17:34

So the idea is that we think they're looking melancholy

0:17:340:17:37

because they're looking at something... Or hungry. Or hungry.

0:17:370:17:40

But the actor has actually not changed.

0:17:400:17:42

It is exactly the same shot of the actor. That's the trick of acting.

0:17:420:17:45

All actors know that. Yes, it's not to act.

0:17:450:17:47

If in doubt, don't do anything at all. And directors will tell you.

0:17:470:17:50

Milos Forman famously shouts, "Stop acting! Somebody is acting here!"

0:17:500:17:53

There's a famous Bogart one.

0:17:530:17:56

At the end, he looks down on some carnage

0:17:560:17:59

and everyone was very impressed by the emotions he portrayed.

0:17:590:18:02

But the shot had been done much later and the camera went down low

0:18:020:18:06

and he stood up on a balcony and the director said, "Look bored."

0:18:060:18:09

Yes. It works like that. They cut it in. It's extraordinary how it is.

0:18:090:18:13

It is the effect, the timing of the story,

0:18:130:18:15

it's what the actor seems to be looking at

0:18:150:18:18

and it's the audience that does the work.

0:18:180:18:19

They read the emotion into the face.

0:18:190:18:22

Oh, look, we've actually cut our own together.

0:18:220:18:24

So you can see here, what's this emotion? Confusion.

0:18:240:18:28

He's looking hard at something.

0:18:280:18:30

HE GASPS Can he believe it's true?

0:18:300:18:32

LAUGHTER

0:18:340:18:36

Oh, no, Arsenal have lost again.

0:18:360:18:38

LAUGHTER

0:18:400:18:41

LAUGHTER

0:18:420:18:44

What a beautiful bike.

0:18:440:18:46

LAUGHTER

0:18:480:18:51

APPLAUSE

0:18:510:18:52

There you are.

0:18:550:18:56

Proof positive, as if it were needed. Anyway.

0:18:590:19:02

Thanks to the Kuleshov effect, good acting may be just good editing.

0:19:020:19:07

Now, Alan, be honest. Have you ever enjoyed a shower in chocolate sauce?

0:19:070:19:11

Is this a euphemism?

0:19:160:19:17

It emphatically is not.

0:19:200:19:22

And everybody is to put away those thoughts.

0:19:220:19:25

No, I've put my hand in a chocolate fountain...

0:19:250:19:28

KLAXON SOUNDS

0:19:280:19:29

We are almost certain you have enjoyed a shower in chocolate sauce.

0:19:300:19:33

Ooh! Oh, hello.

0:19:330:19:35

I was so drunk, Sandi.

0:19:350:19:37

I suspect that most of you... Not necessarily all of you.

0:19:370:19:41

It sounds a niche area of interest, certainly.

0:19:410:19:43

Well, let's think of films that have got showers in them. Psycho.

0:19:430:19:47

Did you enjoy it? Yeah, it was a good film.

0:19:470:19:50

Yeah. And the shower scene is the pivotal scene. Oh, now.

0:19:500:19:52

Oh, because it's black-and-white.

0:19:520:19:54

It's black and white. The water doesn't read on film.

0:19:540:19:57

The water does. No, it's the blood. Which was chocolate sauce.

0:19:570:20:00

Bosco chocolate sauce.

0:20:000:20:02

Bosco's chocolate sauce was used for the blood.

0:20:020:20:04

Actually, talking, as we were, of editing,

0:20:040:20:07

one of the reasons it is the most famous scene, possibly,

0:20:070:20:10

that Hitchcock directed

0:20:100:20:11

and one of the most famous scenes in all cinema is that it contains

0:20:110:20:14

77 different camera angles and 50 cuts and lasts only three minutes.

0:20:140:20:19

I have done this.

0:20:190:20:20

I've sat there, counting the number of cuts in three minutes.

0:20:200:20:23

You must get out, Stephen, really.

0:20:230:20:25

I'm never sitting next to you at the cinema. No, not at the cinema.

0:20:260:20:30

Who's brought Rain Man with them?

0:20:300:20:32

50 cuts there! Stop the clock.

0:20:340:20:38

When I was a kid in the States, we used to have ice cream with

0:20:380:20:41

Bosco chocolate sauce on it and you couldn't serve it without going...

0:20:410:20:44

IMITATES PSYCHO THEME

0:20:440:20:45

So you all knew. Have you seen Psycho? TREVOR: I have not, no.

0:20:450:20:49

Your generation, you just don't go for the classics.

0:20:490:20:52

Cos it's black-and-white, you go... HE YAWNS

0:20:520:20:54

I'm waiting for it to come out on Twitter and then I'll...

0:20:540:20:57

LAUGHTER

0:20:570:20:58

Exactly. The sound of the stabbing, I think, was a knife in a melon.

0:20:580:21:02

Absolutely right.

0:21:020:21:03

And, actually, Hitchcock first wanted the scene to be just,

0:21:030:21:07

as they say, effects. In other words, the sound of the water,

0:21:070:21:10

the sound of the shower curtain being torn

0:21:100:21:12

and the sound of the knife going into the melon.

0:21:120:21:15

But his favourite composer, who composed a lot of his films,

0:21:150:21:18

Bernard Herrmann,

0:21:180:21:19

wrote this astounding score with these jagged things

0:21:190:21:22

and begged him to listen to the version with it and Hitchcock

0:21:220:21:25

said, "You're right," and actually doubled his pay on the movie.

0:21:250:21:28

Hitchcock sounds like Jeremy from Top Gear.

0:21:280:21:32

He sounds exactly like that.

0:21:320:21:34

AS JEREMY CLARKSON/ALFRED HITCHCOCK: "You're right!"

0:21:340:21:37

Yes. "Just two seconds in and you're nursing a semi."

0:21:370:21:42

LAUGHTER

0:21:420:21:43

APPLAUSE

0:21:430:21:44

Everybody was against him making the film.

0:21:510:21:53

He'd just made North By Northwest,

0:21:530:21:55

one of his most lavish, colourful, beautiful, extraordinary thrillers

0:21:550:21:58

and he wanted to be known for a different kind of film

0:21:580:22:00

cos he was always experimenting, always trying different things.

0:22:000:22:03

That film was so clever, Psycho.

0:22:030:22:05

You're with Janet Leigh all the way from the beginning.

0:22:050:22:08

She hatches this plan, she's got this money.

0:22:080:22:10

She steals 40 grand. You can't wait to see what's going to happen.

0:22:100:22:13

And then she's gone, halfway through the film.

0:22:130:22:16

Oh, thanks for spoiling it!

0:22:160:22:18

LAUGHTER

0:22:180:22:20

APPLAUSE

0:22:200:22:21

I don't feel I have, really,

0:22:240:22:26

given the picture of her being murdered in the shower.

0:22:260:22:30

Do you remember the last shot of the shower scene?

0:22:300:22:32

Just to get really nerdy.

0:22:320:22:34

Isn't the eye and the plughole?

0:22:340:22:36

Her head is sideways down. All the shots are...

0:22:360:22:39

There's no long shots, it's all mid-shots and mostly close-ups.

0:22:390:22:42

He was so concerned to get it right that there just wasn't

0:22:420:22:45

time for her to get accustomed to these contact lenses that would give

0:22:450:22:48

her dilated pupils, which freshly stabbed people have, apparently.

0:22:480:22:51

So that was the one inaccuracy he was rather annoyed with.

0:22:510:22:54

No-one wanted to make it. Paramount said they wouldn't.

0:22:540:22:56

He said, "I'll make it black and white. It'll be cheaper."

0:22:560:22:59

They said, "No." He said, "I'll use my TV crew."

0:22:590:23:01

He used a TV crew to make it, not a film crew.

0:23:010:23:03

It's one of the most successful movies of all time.

0:23:030:23:05

Nominated for Best Picture Oscar.

0:23:050:23:08

It's worth seeing, Trevor, but not with Stephen. No.

0:23:080:23:11

Sandi'll take you.

0:23:130:23:14

Do you know, this evening has changed my life?

0:23:190:23:21

Now, describe the curriculum at the British Hate Training Academy.

0:23:230:23:27

Oh, dear. Watching Jeremy Kyle all day and all night.

0:23:310:23:35

Yeah, that would be... That would be good hate training.

0:23:350:23:37

It would, actually, wouldn't it?

0:23:370:23:39

I would imagine that maybe it's very difficult to get soldiers

0:23:390:23:42

to hate anybody. Kill, yeah.

0:23:420:23:44

I would imagine maybe there was some scheme to try and get them...

0:23:440:23:47

In the Second World War, we had hate schools.

0:23:470:23:50

Has there ever been a more pointless padlock in the world?

0:23:500:23:53

"You're not getting my shirts!

0:23:590:24:01

"Back orff!"

0:24:040:24:05

It's a pretty astonishing look, isn't it?

0:24:060:24:09

But, no, Sandi, you're right.

0:24:090:24:10

There were hate schools.

0:24:100:24:12

"These medals are sticking into my chest! Arrrgh!"

0:24:120:24:16

LAUGHTER

0:24:160:24:18

"Aaargh, God!

0:24:210:24:24

"All of them are pinning me in the chest!

0:24:240:24:26

"My hat is too small!

0:24:280:24:30

"Get me a new hat!"

0:24:350:24:37

What do you suppose the chances are

0:24:410:24:43

of twins getting the same number of medals?

0:24:430:24:46

It's a good point.

0:24:480:24:50

Do you know, I've gone deaf in my left ear now?

0:24:500:24:53

Very sorry.

0:24:530:24:55

Back to the serious and terrible fact, is that in order

0:24:550:24:58

supposedly to encourage British troops of the Second World War,

0:24:580:25:01

we put them into rooms and showed them appalling atrocities.

0:25:010:25:04

Rotting corpses, starving people.

0:25:040:25:07

They were then taken to slaughter houses, where they watched sheep

0:25:070:25:10

being killed and they were smeared with their blood, and made to...

0:25:100:25:13

This was common, though, wasn't it? Because didn't they say to

0:25:130:25:16

the Vietcong that the US Marines ate babies, that kind of...

0:25:160:25:20

Oh, it was certainly true that this black propaganda was given out.

0:25:200:25:23

You know, in the First World War the Germans raped nuns and all that.

0:25:230:25:26

But this was actually being made to witness really awful things,

0:25:260:25:30

in order to get your blood up, was the idea.

0:25:300:25:32

But when the papers and the public found out,

0:25:320:25:34

there was an absolute uproar.

0:25:340:25:36

No less a figure than the Bishop of St Albans said,

0:25:360:25:39

"The attempt to inculcate hatred in the fighting forces

0:25:390:25:42

"and civilians is doing the devil's work."

0:25:420:25:45

And General Sir Bernard Paget,

0:25:450:25:46

who was Commander in Chief of the home forces, he agreed.

0:25:460:25:49

He said that, "Hate was foreign to British temperament.

0:25:490:25:52

"And we hate it."

0:25:520:25:53

But it is a... It is a...

0:25:530:25:55

He didn't say that bit.

0:25:550:25:57

It is a very serious issue.

0:25:570:25:59

I think it was after the Second World War,

0:25:590:26:01

they estimated only between 15 and 20% of anybody

0:26:010:26:06

in any armed force had ever fired their gun. Yeah.

0:26:060:26:09

Because mostly people don't want to. That's right.

0:26:090:26:12

And if they do fire their gun, they tend to try and miss.

0:26:120:26:15

All of us know stories of people who have survived wars, and

0:26:150:26:17

the one thing that absolutely tears them up is the fact

0:26:170:26:20

that they've killed someone. The closer you are to the actual kill...

0:26:200:26:23

If you kill somebody with a bayonet rather than shoot them at a distance,

0:26:230:26:26

the more likely you are to suffer trauma.

0:26:260:26:28

TREVOR: They very famously said the most gentlemanly fighters

0:26:280:26:32

in the wars were the air forces,

0:26:320:26:34

because they almost had an unspoken rule that they wouldn't shoot a plane

0:26:340:26:38

that's already going down.

0:26:380:26:39

And you wouldn't shoot a guy on a parachute either, you would...

0:26:390:26:42

He's down, he's out, so you wouldn't... No, never do that.

0:26:420:26:45

And if it was a good fight, and you respected them

0:26:450:26:47

and they were going down, they would do a little wing tip salute

0:26:470:26:50

as they flew away from them, which is just touching.

0:26:500:26:52

Yeah, that would be like, "Argh... Oh, that's nice.

0:26:520:26:54

"Arrgh!

0:26:540:26:56

"Oh, fair enough, right."

0:26:580:27:00

APPLAUSE

0:27:000:27:00

Anyway, the fact is they stopped them,

0:27:050:27:07

not because of public outrage but because it didn't work.

0:27:070:27:10

The effect it had on soldiers was to depress them.

0:27:100:27:12

It's interesting cos the Germans,

0:27:120:27:14

instead of showing videos of the opposing side to get

0:27:140:27:17

the soldiers desensitised, they famously made them kill their dogs.

0:27:170:27:21

I don't know if you remember... Not remember it, like you were there.

0:27:210:27:24

But I mean...

0:27:240:27:26

Stories where they would have a dog, a puppy to raise their whole lives,

0:27:260:27:30

and when they graduated from training, then the last assignment

0:27:300:27:33

was to kill the dog, which you obviously have grown to...

0:27:330:27:36

SS training. Yeah, it was the SS. That must have been absolutely...

0:27:360:27:39

That's unspeakably brutal to ask someone to shoot a puppy. Or a dog.

0:27:390:27:42

Anyway, which is most dangerous - 1,000 bananas,

0:27:450:27:50

half a litre of wine,

0:27:500:27:52

1.4 cigarettes or two days in New York?

0:27:520:27:55

You could fall on quite a lot of those banana peels.

0:27:570:27:59

Slip, yes, you could. You could. Or spiders inside.

0:27:590:28:02

Yes, you could have a tarantula on the inside, yeah, yeah.

0:28:020:28:04

But they're all quite dangerous, I suppose.

0:28:040:28:06

In fact, we know that they're all equally dangerous.

0:28:060:28:10

Oh. And how can we know that?

0:28:100:28:12

Is there a scale of dangerousness-ness-ness?

0:28:120:28:16

TREVOR: There's the banana-cigarette-New York scale

0:28:160:28:18

that they generally use. Exactly. That's the scale.

0:28:180:28:22

Is it about toxins, that you absorb or take in?

0:28:220:28:25

Well, it's a Professor from Stanford called Ronald Howard,

0:28:250:28:29

as long as it's not the guy who was in Happy Days,

0:28:290:28:32

and directed Apollo 13.

0:28:320:28:34

It was in 1968 he developed the micromort.

0:28:340:28:37

And a micromort is a one-in-a-million chance of death.

0:28:370:28:41

So the higher the risk, the more micromorts, obviously.

0:28:410:28:44

So if a million outings on a hang glider result in eight deaths,

0:28:440:28:49

then there's a fatal risk of eight micromorts attached to hang gliding.

0:28:490:28:53

So how many micromorts in a banana? Well, I'll tell you.

0:28:530:28:56

If you take the normal background risk in the UK,

0:28:560:29:00

it's actually 41.6 micromorts.

0:29:000:29:03

So the chances of sudden death in Britain,

0:29:030:29:05

from leading a normal life are about four in 100,000.

0:29:050:29:08

What, four people die unexpectedly from eating a banana?

0:29:080:29:11

No, no, just that's background. This is just background.

0:29:110:29:14

We've not come to the bananas yet.

0:29:140:29:16

Oh, sorry, I'm over-excited.

0:29:160:29:18

Yeah.

0:29:180:29:19

Your ordinary risk... Yes.

0:29:200:29:23

..of dying suddenly is four in 100,000.

0:29:230:29:25

I've got it now. Right.

0:29:250:29:27

But activities that raise the level of risk...

0:29:270:29:30

Have you died suddenly? I died suddenly.

0:29:320:29:34

There you are. Activities that raise the level of risk

0:29:340:29:37

from 41.6 micromorts, which is the average risk we all share,

0:29:370:29:41

by one micromort alone, are smoking 1.4 cigarettes yourself,

0:29:410:29:45

living for two months with someone else who smokes.

0:29:450:29:49

Half a litre of wine.

0:29:490:29:50

Not doing a wee when you really need one.

0:29:500:29:52

1,000 bananas is actually because of their radioactivity. SANDI: What?

0:29:540:29:57

They do contain a lot of potassium. Ah, yes.

0:29:570:29:59

But they are faintly radioactive. Wow.

0:29:590:30:01

Very faintly. 40 tablespoons of peanut butter...

0:30:010:30:04

So, I'm still on the bananas, you have to...

0:30:040:30:07

You have to eat 1,000 bananas?

0:30:080:30:11

If you ate 1,000 bananas, not necessarily all at once,

0:30:110:30:13

cos that would kill you straightaway. Yes.

0:30:130:30:16

Obviously, you would burst.

0:30:160:30:18

The point is, for every 1,000 bananas you eat... Yes.

0:30:180:30:21

..your chances of sudden death increase by one micromort,

0:30:210:30:24

which is... What is the matter with scientists?!

0:30:240:30:27

Who? Who is going to eat 1,000 bananas?

0:30:270:30:29

Why would you even work this out?!

0:30:290:30:31

Over your lifetime. I've eaten 1,000 bananas.

0:30:310:30:34

So should you be counting how many bananas you've had? No.

0:30:340:30:37

It's only one micromort, it's a one-in-a-million chance.

0:30:370:30:39

But how does the thousandth banana kill you?

0:30:390:30:41

Because of the level of radioactivity. Oh, God!

0:30:410:30:45

For every 1,000 you eat, you're...

0:30:470:30:49

You've already got 41.6 micromorts, which is...

0:30:490:30:51

I feel unwell.

0:30:510:30:52

I'll give you a book to read afterwards and it'll explain it.

0:30:550:30:58

Thank you, darling. Cos it takes too long.

0:30:580:31:00

But go to New York, have a cigarette with a glass of wine

0:31:000:31:02

and a banana split.

0:31:020:31:03

And say, "Fuck you, world!"

0:31:030:31:06

APPLAUSE

0:31:060:31:08

All of these increase your...

0:31:120:31:15

They're such tiny margins, that's all.

0:31:150:31:18

"I'm going down."

0:31:180:31:20

My headmistress at boarding school was always in a terrible panic

0:31:200:31:23

about fruit. Fruit?

0:31:230:31:25

Fruit, yes. She found that...

0:31:250:31:26

She spent hours teaching us how to eat a banana correctly,

0:31:310:31:34

because of the manners, and I remember her saying...

0:31:340:31:37

Which mustn't make the cheeks bulge, no...

0:31:370:31:39

And you don't, you don't do this either.

0:31:410:31:44

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:31:440:31:46

So she didn't like... She taught you how to eat a banana.

0:31:530:31:55

She was very worried and she'd spent a long time on bananas, and I said,

0:31:550:31:58

"How do you eat an orange," and she looked over the top of her glasses

0:31:580:32:01

and said, "No young woman should ever embark upon an orange."

0:32:010:32:05

Wise words.

0:32:050:32:06

Scuba-diving adds five micromorts to background levels.

0:32:060:32:10

Taking heroin adds 30.

0:32:100:32:11

A night in hospital adds 75.

0:32:110:32:13

Just one night in hospital.

0:32:130:32:15

But giving birth raises the risk to 80 micromorts.

0:32:150:32:18

So it is double the background.

0:32:180:32:20

So, if you're feeling ill,

0:32:200:32:22

you'd be better off taking a bit of heroin than going to the hospital.

0:32:220:32:26

A night in hospital can be rather perilous.

0:32:260:32:29

Is it a myth that heroin is

0:32:290:32:32

the only thing in the world that cures a cold?

0:32:320:32:34

Is that a myth? I think the guy underneath the arches...

0:32:360:32:39

A guy trying to sell me some heroin, yeah.

0:32:390:32:42

Is that how they peddle it in Manchester?

0:32:420:32:44

"Cure your cold, this will, lad."

0:32:440:32:48

Do you know the Irish cure for a cold?

0:32:480:32:50

My dad always used to say, "What you do is you get into bed with

0:32:500:32:52

"a hat and a bottle of whiskey and you put the hat on the end

0:32:520:32:56

"left bedpost and then you drink until you can see it on the right."

0:32:560:33:00

That's brilliant.

0:33:010:33:03

Absolutely superb.

0:33:030:33:05

There is one man whose micromorts we don't know.

0:33:050:33:08

He is Yasuhiro Kubo and he's a Japanese skydiver

0:33:080:33:11

who jumps out of a plane without a parachute

0:33:110:33:14

and then collects it from a partner on the way down.

0:33:140:33:17

We don't know his micromort because he is still alive

0:33:170:33:21

and it may be that he'll do 4,000 jumps and then die.

0:33:210:33:24

It'd be a good dumb show. If you see them falling and then he

0:33:240:33:29

goes over to the bloke who has the parachute and you see them going...

0:33:290:33:32

I knew there was something!

0:33:340:33:36

Oh, that is so distressing. Anyway...

0:33:440:33:46

Now, what can we do to stop the killer robots?

0:33:480:33:51

SANDI: Oh!

0:33:530:33:54

Go upstairs. Go upstairs! Daleks have shown that doesn't work now.

0:33:540:33:59

They can hover. Is this a Robot Wars one? Yes, Robot Wars.

0:33:590:34:02

It's about legislation, isn't it?

0:34:020:34:04

Are they not trying to legislate against these...? They are indeed.

0:34:040:34:07

There's a global campaign led by a group of academics

0:34:070:34:09

and Nobel Peace Prize winners, who see a very real threat.

0:34:090:34:12

And they're not wrong.

0:34:120:34:13

Look at the development of drones in the American army.

0:34:130:34:16

Robotic killing machines are very close indeed and yet...

0:34:160:34:19

The thing about the drone is that the drone has a human, as it were,

0:34:190:34:23

in the loop. But I think the thing with the idea of the killer robots

0:34:230:34:27

is that there is no human... That's the idea. ..in the loop.

0:34:270:34:30

It's Dr Noel Sharkey, professor of computer science at Sheffield,

0:34:300:34:33

who was, in fact, the consultant and appeared on Robot Wars,

0:34:330:34:37

that '90s TV show.

0:34:370:34:39

Did you have such a thing on South Africa television?

0:34:390:34:42

I think we might have gotten your Robot Wars. We had none.

0:34:420:34:45

I was very astonished when I first went to South Africa

0:34:450:34:48

and I was in Cape Town asking for directions, and they said,

0:34:480:34:52

"Turn right at the third robot."

0:34:520:34:54

Oh, yeah, we call...

0:34:540:34:55

I said, "What?" We call traffic... We call them robots.

0:34:550:34:58

We call traffic lights robots.

0:34:580:35:00

We have a very low bar for...

0:35:000:35:03

These are the same guys who invented apartheid so, I mean,

0:35:050:35:08

if you look at the... They were impressed. They were impressed.

0:35:080:35:13

Even more shocking was when I was filming there and it was

0:35:130:35:17

incredibly hot and someone asked me if I wanted some arse cream.

0:35:170:35:21

LAUGHTER

0:35:210:35:23

SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: "Do you want some arse cream?"

0:35:230:35:25

And I realise they were saying, "Ice cream," of course.

0:35:250:35:30

Chocolate arse cream.

0:35:300:35:32

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

0:35:320:35:33

You just always go that bit too far.

0:35:350:35:37

Yes, he does, doesn't he? I know.

0:35:390:35:40

Presumably, the robots,

0:35:400:35:41

they're not covered by the Geneva Convention in any way.

0:35:410:35:44

That's the problem. They are not regulated.

0:35:440:35:46

That is the real issue.

0:35:460:35:48

Do you not think we are just slowly going towards a video game?

0:35:480:35:51

That's what we're building towards.

0:35:510:35:53

Trevor, guess who the US Army is recruiting right as we speak?

0:35:530:35:56

If you play video games, they say you are at least 50% better than

0:35:560:35:59

just an average recruit off the street.

0:35:590:36:01

They're the ones they're hiring for...

0:36:010:36:03

What I'm saying is if we get to a point where we are fighting

0:36:030:36:05

the things only on video game...

0:36:050:36:07

Farting? You said it.

0:36:070:36:09

LAUGHTER

0:36:090:36:10

That's what you do in war. You can't control yourself and you just...

0:36:100:36:14

I don't know how you fight, Stephen, but that's how we...

0:36:140:36:17

SANDI: Surely, the really civil thing would be

0:36:170:36:20

to not have fighting at all. You have a game of Twister.

0:36:200:36:22

That's just ridiculous. How do you settle things?

0:36:220:36:25

Vladimir Putin and... Or Risk. Yes, Risk.

0:36:250:36:29

Or Scrabble. Lovely. Lovely games.

0:36:290:36:32

Vladimir Putin versus Obama at Scrabble. Or Twister.

0:36:320:36:35

Anyway, killer robots don't exist yet

0:36:360:36:39

but now might be a good time to make sure they never do.

0:36:390:36:42

So, here are some killers, but what do they prey on?

0:36:420:36:45

I'll perhaps give you a clue, if you don't know its name.

0:36:450:36:48

Sea food, that's a seal. It's a seal.

0:36:480:36:50

It is, it's called the crab-eater seal. It eats fish.

0:36:500:36:53

So the clue...

0:36:530:36:54

CROW CAWS

0:36:540:36:56

Yes?

0:36:560:36:57

Crab. Oh! Hey!

0:36:570:36:58

KLAXON SOUNDS

0:36:580:37:00

Surely you'd know better. Just getting it out of the way,

0:37:000:37:04

just so we could all move on and find out what the real answer is.

0:37:040:37:08

If we show you its teeth more close up,

0:37:080:37:10

you might get a sense of it. It's pretty...

0:37:100:37:13

SANDI: Oooh.

0:37:130:37:14

That's weird, why would you have teeth like that?

0:37:140:37:16

To be on a show like this?

0:37:160:37:18

It's to sieve. It's like a baleen plate in a whale.

0:37:190:37:22

It sieves out all the bigger things, so it actually just has,

0:37:220:37:25

like a whale...?

0:37:250:37:26

Krill. Krill.

0:37:260:37:27

Yeah. It just eats krill. And our next contender is...

0:37:270:37:32

Oh, I say.

0:37:330:37:34

Yes. That's called the Bagheera Kiplingi spider.

0:37:340:37:38

Does that ring a bell?

0:37:380:37:39

TREVOR: They kill tigers, don't they?

0:37:390:37:42

Well, bagha is the Hindi for tiger, and Bagheera is? The Jungle Book.

0:37:420:37:46

Is in the Jungle Book, and is a panther. Is it the panther?

0:37:460:37:48

Panther, and hence the Kiplingi,

0:37:480:37:50

so for some reason it's named after Rudyard Kipling.

0:37:500:37:53

It eats Bakewell tarts.

0:37:530:37:54

Lemon slices.

0:37:570:37:59

Oh, the Bakewell tart. I could eat five of them. Easy.

0:38:000:38:05

They don't do five in a pack, do you know what I'm saying?

0:38:050:38:08

You have probably no idea what we're talking about, poor Trevor.

0:38:100:38:14

They've surely got Kipling cakes in South Africa. No, we don't.

0:38:140:38:17

No? Really?

0:38:170:38:19

They're exceedingly good.

0:38:190:38:20

LAUGHTER

0:38:200:38:22

APPLAUSE

0:38:220:38:23

Do you not think the spider looks like he's trying to be cute

0:38:260:38:29

for the photograph? He does, he's posing. "Hi."

0:38:290:38:32

"Hiya, you all right?"

0:38:320:38:32

Spiders are known to be feeders on what? Flies.

0:38:320:38:35

Flies. They're known to be carnivorous.

0:38:350:38:37

But this is the only vegetarian spider on earth.

0:38:370:38:41

Well, no wonder he's cute. Yeah. Exactly.

0:38:410:38:43

They actually go out of their way to avoid rather nasty-looking ants

0:38:430:38:46

and hide round corners, until they can get to their staple food,

0:38:460:38:49

which is the buds of acacia trees. The acacia is very thorny.

0:38:490:38:52

They're the laughing stock of the spider community.

0:38:520:38:55

Yeah, they are, they're probably...

0:38:550:38:56

"Call yourself a spider? You're a disgrace."

0:38:560:38:58

Yes. They occasionally, to be fair, will eat meat.

0:38:580:39:01

It's a bit like, I don't know, the spectacled bear...

0:39:010:39:04

If they've had a drink. ..will be known to eat, you know, ants.

0:39:040:39:06

He'll have a kebab on the way home. Yes.

0:39:060:39:10

They can't resist it.

0:39:100:39:11

Oh! Let's have a kebab.

0:39:110:39:13

Would you like to see a great tit? Always. There you go.

0:39:130:39:16

There is a great tit. Great. That's a good picture.

0:39:160:39:19

It's a lovely picture of a great tit, isn't it? They mostly eat...

0:39:190:39:23

Insects. Yes. Caterpillars, in particular.

0:39:230:39:25

They are very fond of a good, juicy caterpillar.

0:39:250:39:27

Which is, of course, part of the cycle of an insect.

0:39:270:39:29

And, in Hungary, something very astonishing

0:39:290:39:31

has been observed with great tits.

0:39:310:39:33

They eat goulash.

0:39:330:39:34

They have been observed,

0:39:360:39:37

possibly because of lack of caterpillars in Hungary...

0:39:370:39:40

Eating chips. No, it's rather gross, actually.

0:39:400:39:42

They've been eating roosting bats.

0:39:420:39:44

They've been eating the entire innards and brains

0:39:440:39:46

and scooping out every part of a sleeping bat. Which is really...

0:39:460:39:50

That's a lovely story. Isn't it? It's quite a move for a great tit.

0:39:500:39:54

And we come finally to this chap.

0:39:540:39:56

Piranha. It looks like a piranha. It's a distant relative, though.

0:39:580:40:01

It lives in a completely different part of the world.

0:40:010:40:03

In Papua New Guinea. And is known as a pacu fish,

0:40:030:40:05

but has a nickname, which might give you a hint.

0:40:050:40:08

The teeth it has are designed to deal with its main food source,

0:40:080:40:10

which are seeds and nuts which fall down from trees above.

0:40:100:40:13

Which quite a lot of fish do.

0:40:130:40:15

But, if you happen to be swimming naked,

0:40:150:40:17

as many a Papua New Guinean might...

0:40:170:40:19

Uh-oh. ..it fully deserves its nickname, the ball-cutter fish.

0:40:190:40:24

AUDIENCE GROAN

0:40:240:40:25

There are at least two recorded examples of people

0:40:250:40:29

dying from castration from these.

0:40:290:40:31

Oh, does that count...? Does that count as a background mort?

0:40:310:40:33

Yes, that's definitely a micromort.

0:40:330:40:36

Presumably you can tell as the screams get higher and higher. Yes.

0:40:360:40:39

SHE SCREAMS

0:40:390:40:40

Until they're beyond the range of human hearing.

0:40:400:40:42

So they're pretty nasty. Wow.

0:40:420:40:43

But, what's the worst thing a swan can do to you?

0:40:430:40:46

They can famously break a child's arm.

0:40:460:40:48

Aaah!

0:40:480:40:49

KLAXON SOUNDS

0:40:490:40:51

No, there is no recorded example ever.

0:40:530:40:55

They have hollow bones, and the chances are they would break

0:40:550:40:58

their own wings if they attempted to swipe hard on the human bone.

0:40:580:41:01

Oh, I've been cautious of them ever since primary school.

0:41:010:41:04

Well, they're aggressive, they'll chase after you.

0:41:040:41:06

And I dare say, if anyone rings in and says I know someone who

0:41:060:41:09

claims their arm was broken, the chances are almost certain...

0:41:090:41:12

The school liar. Well, not if they were the school liar,

0:41:120:41:14

or they might well have... If you're running away and fell.

0:41:140:41:17

They might well have fallen over. Yeah. Exactly.

0:41:170:41:19

Where is that place where the swan goes and rings a bell? Fairyland.

0:41:190:41:22

No, no... LAUGHTER

0:41:220:41:24

Somebody shouting in the audience? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Wells in Somerset.

0:41:240:41:27

Wells in Somerset.

0:41:270:41:28

In Wells in Somerset there's a bell on the outside

0:41:280:41:30

and the swans learned to ring the bell and then they get fed.

0:41:300:41:33

That's marvellous. Little Pavlovian swans.

0:41:330:41:35

And if you don't feed them, they break your arm.

0:41:350:41:39

You're absolutely right. I mean, you're absolutely wrong.

0:41:390:41:42

Everyone else is marvellously right.

0:41:420:41:43

They are very aggressive. They can't break your arm, so there.

0:41:430:41:47

And now it's time for one of my Knick Knacks.

0:41:470:41:50

Crikey, how did that get there?!

0:41:500:41:52

I'm now, I'm going to demonstrate.

0:42:000:42:02

What a marvellous outing for the word "crikey". Yes.

0:42:020:42:04

I'm going to demonstrate to you how a chain reaction takes place.

0:42:040:42:08

Imagine these are little atoms,

0:42:080:42:11

and what I have is a series of mouse trap... Ow!

0:42:110:42:15

Mouse traps. Used for,

0:42:150:42:17

obviously, killing...mice!

0:42:170:42:20

And, fortunately, no mice will be harmed in this experiment.

0:42:200:42:23

All you will see

0:42:230:42:25

is the spectacular sight of random and explosive chain reaction

0:42:250:42:30

caused by one atom touching another, which are all in...

0:42:300:42:33

"Ball number 16, the eighth appearance this year."

0:42:330:42:36

LAUGHTER

0:42:360:42:37

So are you ready? Yes.

0:42:370:42:39

Here we go.

0:42:390:42:40

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:440:42:46

All that for three seconds.

0:42:460:42:49

It's a lot of effort for the money.

0:42:510:42:53

On that nuclear bombshell, we reach the final curtain.

0:42:570:43:00

It's time for the scores. And how fascinating they are.

0:43:000:43:05

Way out in front, as you might imagine,

0:43:050:43:07

with her astonishing knowledge is Sandi Toksvig on 14 points!

0:43:070:43:11

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:43:110:43:12

Points-wise, one of the greatest debuts of all time,

0:43:140:43:18

Trevor Noah has plus nine!

0:43:180:43:20

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:43:200:43:21

And in third place, with minus six, Jason Manford.

0:43:240:43:27

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I'll take that. I'll take that.

0:43:270:43:31

Colour me astonished! In last place,

0:43:310:43:33

but with a deeply encouraging minus 28, Alan Davies!

0:43:330:43:36

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:43:360:43:38

Thank you.

0:43:450:43:47

And it only remains for me to thank Trevor, Jason, Sandi and Alan.

0:43:470:43:50

Good night.

0:43:500:43:51

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