Keys QI XL


Keys

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hello, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening, good evening,

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and welcome to QI, where tonight we are looking for our keys.

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To help us we have a key man, Tim Minchin.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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A key woman, Isy Suttie!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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A key player, Bill Bailey.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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And an allen key, Alan Davies!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Ah, you see what he did there.

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So, they've all got their keyboards. Tim, give us an A.

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"A" NOTE PLAYS

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That's an A.

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Isy, in the great tradition of Blockbusters, I'd like an E, please.

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"E" NOTE PLAYS

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Very nice. Bill, give us a G.

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"G" NOTE PLAYS

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And Alan, give us a B.

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BEE BUZZES

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LAUGHTER

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Aaah. Aaaah.

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We have given you a musical instrument.

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I have got the thing here, but...

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BILL: Oh. A glockenspiel?

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We didn't trust you with anything electrical.

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It's nice. It's something for you to keep yourself occupied

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if you don't know any answers.

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Bill could teach me a couple of tunes during the record. I bet Bill will, too.

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Here's a good one. There you go. Here's a good one, look.

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HE PLAYS TWO NOTES There you are.

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LAUGHTER

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It's Airport Announcement.

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Airport Announcement, by Ravel.

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By Ravel, yes. It's a beautiful piece.

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Absolutely wonderful.

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FRENCH ACCENT: "An announcement aeroport," yes.

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Exactly. Do know any, any tunes?

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French? No. I don't know any tunes.

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HE PLAYS TWO NOTES

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Doorbell. Same, similar. Oh, very good.

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I don't know who wrote whose first, I imagine doorbell came first.

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ISY: They're always in a major third, as if to herald good news.

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Yes, exactly. Yeah.

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TIM PLAYS TWO NOTES - MAJOR THIRD

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"Your flight is delayed by eight hours."

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"I don't feel so bad!"

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TIM PLAYS TWO NOTES - MINOR THIRD "Boarding now." "Oh, no!"

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BILL: The best doorbells always frighten people away.

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PLAYS NOTES FROM "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND"

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LAUGHTER

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Marvellous. You haven't played anything for us yet, Isy,

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just get your fingers warm.

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SHE PLAYS JAUNTY PIANO TUNE

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That was the jazz version. Wow! Pretty good.

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BILL: That was great.

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Anyway, there we are.

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So, I'll give you the keys to the city, all right?

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What's the first thing you'll do?

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NOTE PLAYS Yes?

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I'd make a copy of them.

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Clever. TIM: Yeah, good.

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In case I lock myself out when I'm drunk.

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And I'd give a copy to my cleaner.

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Very, very smart.

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What else can you do with the keys to the city?

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Drive a sheep across a bridge.

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KLAXON BLARES

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Ah. What?!

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No. I am a Freeman of the City of London, as it happens.

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Quite right. Oh, thank you. Very disappointed if you weren't.

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And I did drive, I did drive a sheep over,

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though in fact it was flagrantly illegal.

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It's just one of those myths.

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Also that supposedly that you can bear a sword in the city,

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but that's not true, either.

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Is there an actual door that you can fit that in?

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No. No, there really isn't. What do you actually get?

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Do you actually get a key in a nice presentation case?

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No, you get a long sort of parchment,

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wherein, heretofore, let it be understood the City and Corporation...

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There've been mayors since 1213 and I said

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"You must feel pretty extraordinary to be in a position that hasn't

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changed for 800 years" and there was a cough at my shoulder

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and it was the sheriff of London.

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He said "There were sheriffs of London 500 years

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before the first mayor."

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He was in the 8th century, the 700s.

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Through plagues and fires and all that. It's pretty amazing.

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What does he do? How does one sheriff these days?

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You wear extraordinary shrieval - it's the adjective of sheriff - shrieval laces and wigs.

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In London you're free to trade without having to pay a toll at the bridge.

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Today, it's a purely symbolic honour.

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The City of London Police do not permit sheep

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to be taken across the bridge aside from the occasional publicity stunt.

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The City of London Police are so boring.

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You can't do that there. Oh, come on. Freedom.

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BILL: Is there anything you can do?

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I mean is there anything... You can go naked, or something, or...?

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No, no real rights.

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I mean if you are poor, you can access some

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educational and charitable funds.

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Dick Whittington, probably the most famous London Lord Mayor,

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in the early 15th century, left money in trust for water troughs

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and children's education, and that charity is still giving out money.

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Really? It's been wisely invested. That's pretty amazing, isn't it?

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There are other people to get freedoms of cities.

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To whom do you think Detroit gave the key of their city in 1980?

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Diana Ross.

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No, it wasn't Diana Ross, you'd think it would be a...

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Someone off of Motown. Gary Numan.

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It should be a Motown star. Wasn't Gary Numan.

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Gary Numan? No. What wrote Cars?

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No. That would be good. No, it wasn't.

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It was actually Saddam Hussein.

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AUDIENCE LAUGH AND MURMUR

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What? Well, they're sick of him. What?!

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It's the usual pattern. In 1980, he was our friend.

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He was a friend. Yeah. Of course.

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The City of Toronto has given the key to

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Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela and Mickey Mouse.

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LAUGHTER

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Never seen in the same room. Pathetic, the Dalai Lama?! Why him?

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The Dalai Lama, what was it?

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Nelson Mandela and Mickey Mouse.

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Ah, my perfect Sunday.

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LAUGHTER Those three round for dinner.

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Corona, California, gave a cat the freedom of its city limits.

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Oh, that's stupid, isn't it?

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Because the cat had hit the Guinness Book of Records

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by being the tallest cat in the world.

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And, because we're QI, we rang up the city of Corona, and it's true.

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They were very pleased to have it verified for us.

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But Cher upset Australians in 2012,

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when she sold her key to Adelaide on eBay.

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Oh. She got 96,000 dollars for it.

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Wow! What?! Yeah.

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Someone paid 96 grand for a symbolic key to Adelaide?

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To Adelaide, not even Melbourne or Sydney!

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I mean, I like Adelaide, but that's...

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BILL: It's a lot though, isn't it? I don't want a key.

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She responded to the inevitable backlash on Twitter.

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She said...

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F'd up. Fudged. Fudged up, yeah.

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Friend. So, there you are. Flowled. Flower-up.

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Flagaba...

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Keep guessing. I don't know.

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Fruity. Flannel. Flannel up.

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Flannel up and wait for me.

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POSH VOICE: "Flannel up!

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"Clean yourself and flannel up. I'll be up in five minutes!

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I have to flannel you down!

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"And put on the special ointment!"

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Bring me another one, this one's flannelled-out.

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Oh, dear. All right, OK. I like a flannel.

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What key part did bigots play in the Second World War?

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What do you mean...? You're talking...

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Not that kind of bigot. BIGOT being a diversionary tactic.

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That's a bit of a minor description. I think it is.

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This word is... Oh, he was a bigot, was he? The more I hear about him...

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Is it an acronym for something? "Big-oh". No, it's British.

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Churchill chose it. Oh, really?

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Beware, I've Got One...Trouser.

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Beware, I've Got One Trouser?

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I'm Going Out Tomorrow.

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Blimey, I've Got..Owls...Turned.

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He's so shit at I Spy.

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BIGOT stands for British Invasion of German Occupied Territory.

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So there's Monty and Winnie and they're looking at a map and planning... To flannel over there.

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D-Day... Chaps, got your flannel?

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Everybody got their flannel?

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Churchill was the only person who Monty would let smoke.

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It was so secret that anyone who knew any

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details of the Normandy landings, they were on the BIGOT list

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and they were not allowed under any circumstances to leave the country.

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The only exception was Churchill himself.

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No-one on the BIGOT list was allowed out of Britain.

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Indeed, there was a rehearsal for the invasion

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and ten people on the BIGOT list were killed accidentally.

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All plans for the invasion were put on hold

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until they could account for every single one of the bodies

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just to be absolutely sure so the secret didn't get out. Well...

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It's got out now, yes.

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It wasn't that it was unlikely, that it wouldn't happen. England's there. France is there.

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I know but we did everything we possibly could to

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persuade them that it was going to be further across towards Belgium

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and they withheld divisions further away from Normandy where we landed

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precisely because... Fake landing.

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..they fell for some of the spies - the Zigzag man

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and that poor old chap who was a dead body

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who was dressed as though he was an important officer

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and dropped in the sea outside Gibraltar

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with a chained briefcase with plans and they gave him a whole life.

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He was called the man who never was. There was a film of it.

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Who was he?

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He was probably a very sad down and out Welsh chap who died very young

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and had been found sleeping rough somewhere and they dressed him up

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smartly to look like an officer. You wouldn't have to do that now.

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You would just get someone from Big Brother.

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People would volunteer for it.

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Certainly the rest of us would.

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The surprise is you're going to be killed and you're a fake general.

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OMG!

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It's a good film. If you ever see it coming round on Channel 4,

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it's the sort of thing that pops up now and again. Yes, I will.

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It's funny he didn't know when he was alive what a key part he'd play

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when he was dead.

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I know. Operation Mincemeat, it was called.

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You can sign up to this service

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when you're alive which monitors your Tweets and Facebook

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and when you're dead, it continues to Tweet as you

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until an executor of the will who you've nominated tells it to stop.

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While you're alive, you give it feedback as to how good it is. What?!

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I'm starting this business... No!

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It already exists. That's bizarre.

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And you can set how long it goes on till?

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You give someone's name and say this person makes the decision as to when

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the virtual me dies.

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You give it feedback so if it's slightly funnier than you are,

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you say, it's quite good, but bring it down a notch.

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So somebody's employed to be you after you're dead.

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Or just you going dead, dead, dead, still dead?

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Then your followers go up. Ooh, he's dead, dead.

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You know with one's contact list when people die,

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I never have the heart to cut them out so I have

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friends that have been dead 10, 12,

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15 years who are still in my address book.

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Have they ever called?

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They manifestly haven't called and I haven't called them

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but the act of going delete seems so...

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I've done the same thing but the good thing is

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if someone dead does call you, you'll know it's them.

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I'll know not to answer it.

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Of course that number might be reused. They do recycle them

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so it is possible that one day...

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That would be the shock of one's life.

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In fact it's probable that coincidence will happen.

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Someone who's got the old number of a dead person will accidentally ring a person who...

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I can't wait till that happens.

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Very exciting.

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Now, secrecy, in the least order upwards,

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what's the word for the least secret document?

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For anyone's eyes only. Yes, basically it's "unclassified".

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Then "protect", then "restricted", then up to... Up to look over there!

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"Confidential" and then... I'm going to have to kill you.

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"Secret" then... Top secret. Top secret. Yes.

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It used to be, not top secret but...

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Most secret. Most secret.

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We're going to use this Americanism now - top secret.

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Most secret's so British, isn't it?

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Most secret.

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Totes secret.

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NERDY VOICE: There are some UFO conspiracy theorists

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who will tell you that there are 38, 38 levels of secrecy above

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top secret. Why are you talking like this?

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Because these are UFO conspiracy theories. Is that how they talk?

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They all talk like that.

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NERDY VOICE: They all talk like that.

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You can laugh. All right, I will. Ha ha ha ha.

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You'll be laughing on the other side of your face

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when you've been probed.

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Yes.

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The next level is "cosmic".

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Even the President of the US does not have cosmic clearance.

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Really? Who does? Look it up. It's all there. It's true. Totally true.

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That's my favourite thing about conspiracy theorists.

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This is something that the president doesn't know but I've figured it out!

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Typing away.

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Fantastic, isn't it?

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What is CANUKUS' eyes only?

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I beg your pardon? CANUKUS' eyes only.

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Is there a creature called a canukus

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and it's the only thing that's allowed to look at it?

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But it can't speak and therefore will never tell anyone.

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United States? No. Not bad. Canada, UK and the United States.

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CANUKUS. CANUKUS. There's AUSCANNZUKUS

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which is known as the five eyes,

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which is Australia, New Zealand, Canada, US and UK.

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There's also, basically, don't tell the French.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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BIGOTS were the key men in planning the D-Day landings.

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Now, what's the best way to keep

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the Open Organisation of Lockpickers

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out of your homes?

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Bucket of water over the door, a rake on the floor,

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two miniature beds of nails and a very hungry tiger.

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And you put all that outside the potential lockpicker's door,

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so that they can't even leave their home.

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Ah. You don't need to, is the point, actually.

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The fact is, they are incredibly moral and ethical.

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This organisation, which is literally called TOOOL.

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The Organisation - there it is.

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The Open Organisation of Lockpickers.

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BILL: No, this is made-up. It's Dutch. Is it?

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It's a Dutch organisation of recreational lockpickers.

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LAUGHTER

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They claim to have a good purpose,

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they help spread the word in security

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and show how things can be picked, but the point is, you're not allowed

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ever, in this organisation, to pick a lock that doesn't belong to you.

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That's how moral they are.

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Well, that's boring, isn't it?

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Pick a lock... That's when they're meeting,

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but when they're professionally being lockpickers...

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DUTCH ACCENT: "Hey, what a crazy bunch of guys.

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"Let's go and pick some locks, but not someone we don't know.

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"OK. What a crazy time we're going to have."

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"How come it's only me today?"

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LAUGHTER

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"I am such a toool." Yeah.

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Many of TOOOL's members are obviously lock-makers

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and locksmiths.

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There they are, tools of their trade. Wow.

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It's incredible how you can have such a specific skill in one area

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and be so bad with fonts.

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Yes. Very true.

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It's non-overlapping magisteria.

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It is not an overlapping magisterian. Lock picking and fonts.

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There's probably a fonts organisation, as well. Yeah.

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Let's be honest.

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Who cannot get into their house. That's right.

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Do you know about Alfred C Hobbs?

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He was a great American lockpicker and lockmaker.

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He came to Britain for the Great Exhibition

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Our great safemaker, lockmaker was...

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He was a nice stout-sounding name. Chubb. Chubb.

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Chubb safes and Chubb locks and they had an amazing Chubb

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detector lock which was so subtle

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and clever in the mid-19th century that if it detected someone

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was trying to pick it, its tumblers would all fall down and even

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the key for it would no longer fit.

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You'd have to destroy it to open it. He picked that in seven minutes.

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Wow. Astonishing everybody and horrifying Chubb, of course,

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because they had the Bank of England account, apart from anything else.

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The Bank of England then replaced its Chubb locks with Hobbs locks.

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Good old American huckstering salesmanship and know-how.

0:16:470:16:50

It was a highly successful visit for Mr Hobbs.

0:16:500:16:53

Yes, it was till he got locked in a toilet somewhere.

0:16:530:16:56

Who in poetic law laughs at locksmiths?

0:16:580:17:01

The Queen.

0:17:010:17:03

"Ha ha ha." No.

0:17:040:17:07

The first Tuesday of every month.

0:17:070:17:11

"The official laughing at locksmiths.

0:17:110:17:12

"Locksmiths are lining up. She is now braying in their faces,

0:17:120:17:15

"snorting derisively..." No.

0:17:150:17:18

"You can't open it. Ha ha ha!"

0:17:180:17:21

Audience, who laughs at locksmiths?

0:17:210:17:23

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Love.

0:17:230:17:25

Love laughs at locksmiths.

0:17:250:17:26

Oh. You lock the girl up, you lock the boy up, or you put locked

0:17:260:17:29

barriers between them and they'll always find a way through to each other. BILL: Aww.

0:17:290:17:33

Except they don't, do they? No.

0:17:330:17:34

If you lock... They won't, will they?

0:17:340:17:37

No. That's the trouble with poetry.

0:17:370:17:40

It's bollocks. I hate it.

0:17:400:17:42

They just need a good lock. It raises false hopes.

0:17:420:17:44

All you need is your lock to be slightly smarter than the two

0:17:440:17:47

people in love and really dumb people are in love,

0:17:470:17:49

and there are really good locks. That's ridiculous!

0:17:490:17:51

You're right, you're right.

0:17:510:17:53

Oh, well.

0:17:530:17:55

Speaking of keys, what's the key part of an arch?

0:17:550:17:58

BILL PLAYS NOTES Yes, Bill?

0:18:000:18:02

Your light came on first. Was that you, sorry?

0:18:020:18:04

That's the trouble with these things.

0:18:040:18:06

You can't tell who it is.

0:18:060:18:08

Do that chord again and I'll know. We only know the same chord.

0:18:080:18:10

We're both... We play in C. The keystone is the...

0:18:100:18:14

KLAXON BLARES

0:18:140:18:16

I'm Alan Davies.

0:18:170:18:19

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:18:190:18:21

It is commonplace to use the word keystone as being the thing

0:18:240:18:28

that makes the arch work, but it isn't true.

0:18:280:18:30

It's not the most important.

0:18:300:18:32

All the arch stones, or "voussoirs" are equally important.

0:18:320:18:34

But it is the last piece to go in and finishes rather

0:18:340:18:37

beautifully the arrangement, as it were. Yes.

0:18:370:18:40

In Roman times, they'd get the constructor of the arch to

0:18:400:18:43

stand right under the arch when the

0:18:430:18:46

support scaffolding was taken away,

0:18:460:18:48

just to show that he had faith enough in his own...

0:18:480:18:51

Well, it's natural selection of arch builders, isn't it?

0:18:510:18:54

"Is that guy any good?" Well, he's still here. Exactly.

0:18:540:18:58

I like that idea of getting people to test things. It's like going to a

0:18:580:19:01

barbecue and getting someone to try the sausage before you'll eat it.

0:19:010:19:04

Oh, don't. BILL: Oh, yeah.

0:19:040:19:05

There are certain things that you can only test by using.

0:19:050:19:08

So it's then useless.

0:19:080:19:09

I mean, a ring-pull, essentially, you say, "I wonder if this ring-pull will work."

0:19:090:19:13

Whoosh! "Oh, yes, it does. Good, now... Oh, you can't..."

0:19:130:19:17

Same with air bags, I suppose and other such things.

0:19:170:19:19

I've really tried to get the air bag to come out, but it's...

0:19:190:19:22

No? No luck? No, if you drive, really whack the dashboard

0:19:220:19:26

really hard with a mallet or something and...

0:19:260:19:29

Well, you realise how much force it is by just trying to

0:19:290:19:32

walk into a wall at two miles an hour and your body won't let you.

0:19:320:19:35

It just won't.

0:19:350:19:36

LAUGHTER

0:19:360:19:38

Hands will go up. No, no, no. I've done that.

0:19:380:19:41

By mistake when...

0:19:410:19:42

I did that after a night on here.

0:19:420:19:44

Yes, when drunk or texting or something.

0:19:440:19:46

But, I mean, if you actually consciously say,

0:19:460:19:48

"I'm going to walk into this wall..."

0:19:480:19:50

Only two miles an hour, not three miles an hour,

0:19:500:19:52

and you just, pah, your hand goes up.

0:19:520:19:54

You can't stop it. It's a reflex, it's so strong.

0:19:540:19:56

Is there a wall here? I'd like to see you not do that.

0:19:560:19:58

LAUGHTER

0:19:580:20:00

I've got this image of you not being able to walk at 2mph into a wall.

0:20:000:20:03

2mph, that's... What's a normal walking pace? 4mph?

0:20:030:20:07

So that's half speed. Half normal walking speed.

0:20:070:20:10

It's still enough to break your nose.

0:20:100:20:12

It would break your nose.

0:20:120:20:14

Is it the theory that, if you're walking at exactly 2mph, magic happens?

0:20:140:20:19

You've got to get it exactly right. I mean, just kind of slowly walk into a wall.

0:20:190:20:24

Try it at home. LAUGHTER

0:20:240:20:26

That's all I'm saying. Maybe it's just me being a coward.

0:20:260:20:29

It will take more than an hour to go two miles

0:20:290:20:31

if you keep walking into walls, wouldn't it? It's true.

0:20:310:20:34

That's the interesting thing about that. That's true.

0:20:340:20:37

So, the fact of the matter is that keystones are no more

0:20:370:20:39

important than any of the other stones in an arch.

0:20:390:20:41

Why were the keys in a QWERTY keyboard arranged the way they are?

0:20:410:20:45

Ah, now, this is that it makes it more difficult to type.

0:20:450:20:50

LAUGHTER

0:20:500:20:51

That's right. And they wanted to slow...

0:20:510:20:53

KLAXON BLARES

0:20:530:20:55

"They wanted to slow..." you were saying...

0:20:550:20:58

Typists down. Typists down. No.

0:20:580:20:59

What it is, is the ones that most commonly are done together

0:20:590:21:02

in English were put furthest apart, so they were less likely to jam.

0:21:020:21:06

So, in fact, it was in order to allow you to type

0:21:060:21:08

more smoothly and speedily,

0:21:080:21:10

so that you didn't get the jamming of the keys as they came up

0:21:100:21:13

and hit each other. Oh, I see.

0:21:130:21:15

Of course, these days, we don't use mechanical typewriters in that

0:21:150:21:18

way, with the keys flopping up. That's how I learnt to type.

0:21:180:21:21

Enormous typewriters. I was tiny.

0:21:220:21:25

LAUGHTER

0:21:250:21:28

I loved typewriters so much, I was obsessed with them.

0:21:280:21:31

Really? Absolutely adored them, yeah.

0:21:310:21:34

Stephen! Dinner's ready. Aaargh!

0:21:340:21:37

Do you know, it's true,

0:21:370:21:39

I once copied out a whole novel on the typewriter.

0:21:390:21:41

Did you? Just to practise.

0:21:410:21:43

Yeah, because I enjoyed the experience of typing so much.

0:21:430:21:46

Just to, yeah. While other people were getting on with their lives, you were doing that.

0:21:460:21:49

Yeah. What can I tell you? It's the sort of man you are.

0:21:490:21:52

I'm sad. I'm so modest. What, what novel was it?

0:21:520:21:55

It was Frozen Assets, by PG Wodehouse.

0:21:550:21:57

It's not one of his best-known novels. BILL SNIGGERS

0:21:570:22:00

Look, I'm sorry!

0:22:000:22:02

It's amazing you've come so far, isn't it?

0:22:040:22:06

What should I have been doing? Anything else!

0:22:080:22:11

Listening to Flink Poyd or something?

0:22:110:22:13

Yes. Clearly I was just lying somewhere wasting my life

0:22:130:22:19

when I should have been copying out novels on some archaic old bit of kit.

0:22:190:22:24

"Yes, what I like to do in my spare time,

0:22:240:22:27

"I write out Proust, I use my nail and I chip it into an old flint."

0:22:270:22:35

I can't help it. "No, get off, Nanny, I haven't finished yet."

0:22:350:22:38

You're such a bully!

0:22:380:22:41

You're mean. Sir, sir, Fry's copying out novels again.

0:22:420:22:47

Sir, he's chipping them, he's using a hammer and a chisel,

0:22:470:22:51

he's chiselled out War And Peace on the South Downs.

0:22:510:22:57

You really do live a different life to all the rest,

0:22:570:23:01

you're not like us, are you?

0:23:010:23:03

You're another, you're not a mortal. Clearly not.

0:23:030:23:06

You're like sent from some other planet.

0:23:060:23:08

You are, the planet Aesthete, that's what you are.

0:23:080:23:11

I have cosmic clearance. Yes, you do. You know when it's all going to end.

0:23:110:23:16

I always thought I was normal, and now I... No, you're not.

0:23:160:23:18

Oh, well, anyway... You're a freak.

0:23:180:23:21

You can reprieve my fury at you by telling me

0:23:230:23:26

a word that can be typed on the top line.

0:23:260:23:29

It's quite pleasing.

0:23:290:23:31

Twiquminator...

0:23:310:23:33

Typewriter.

0:23:330:23:35

Ah! It's nice, isn't it?

0:23:350:23:40

It's just a coincidence, typewriter across the top?

0:23:400:23:42

Yes, I believe so. There are a lot of people who believe... A lot of conspiracy theory.

0:23:420:23:48

People who believe it was brought to us by falcons from the planet Bletch.

0:23:480:23:53

Now, what starts with K and is killed by curiosity?

0:23:530:23:58

A kitten.

0:23:580:24:00

Oh! Oh, no. I'm sorry.

0:24:000:24:05

It's an animal species, but not a cat.

0:24:050:24:08

A lot of these begin with Ks... Kangaroo.

0:24:080:24:10

No, but you're in the right hemisphere. Koala.

0:24:100:24:12

Again, right hemisphere, not the right country. Kiwi.

0:24:120:24:14

Sorry? Kiwi? Kiwi. You're the right type of animal.

0:24:140:24:17

Kora. A kea. Kea is the right answer. Very good.

0:24:170:24:20

A kea is? A New Zealand parrot. A flightless bird.

0:24:200:24:23

No, it's not flightless, oddly enough, it's a parrot.

0:24:230:24:26

And there was a bounty put on them some years ago.

0:24:260:24:28

Kea, which as you can see, look quite ravenous,

0:24:280:24:30

they look almost like eagles, but they are parrots,

0:24:300:24:33

would ride the sheep, peck at them and eat the fat off the poor sheep.

0:24:330:24:37

And so there was a bounty put on their heads

0:24:370:24:40

and New Zealanders found keas were very curious animals.

0:24:400:24:44

It's partly a result of having grown up in a country with no mammals

0:24:440:24:48

for millions of years.

0:24:480:24:49

Anyway, what you do is, you stand behind a rock and wait for a kea

0:24:490:24:53

to come along, and then you drop behind the rock and disappear.

0:24:530:24:56

And the kea thinks, that's odd.

0:24:560:24:59

And he wanders up and he takes a look over,

0:24:590:25:01

and you just, with your club, just go bang, like that.

0:25:010:25:04

Then, that's the beauty of it, you've only just started,

0:25:040:25:07

because you don't have to move, you take the kea and you put it down.

0:25:070:25:11

The kea's friend goes, "Where's Kevin?"

0:25:110:25:13

Where's Kevin! Wanders round, comes along like that.

0:25:130:25:16

Are they all called Kevin? Then you drop down and disappear, and he goes, "What happened there?

0:25:160:25:20

"There was someone, then there wasn't. How does that happen?"

0:25:200:25:22

And he looks over, bash, like that.

0:25:220:25:24

"Where's Keith?" And so on, all the way through.

0:25:240:25:27

All the Ks. You get a huge swag bag of kea.

0:25:270:25:30

They're not the brightest of birds. They're not the brightest.

0:25:300:25:33

But the point is, they never needed to be.

0:25:330:25:35

Because New Zealand, just apart from a few bats, never had any mammals...

0:25:350:25:39

That's true. All they needed to do was mate and survive.

0:25:390:25:41

The kakapo, for example, another type of parrot,

0:25:410:25:44

the only thing likely to predate on it was a vast eagle

0:25:440:25:47

that used to live in New Zealand called the Haast's eagle

0:25:470:25:51

and so the kakapo solved that by becoming nocturnal like the kiwi.

0:25:510:25:54

So it could be afraid of nothing.

0:25:540:25:56

It developed this extraordinary mating ritual which is just beyond belief.

0:25:560:26:01

It's called the bowl and track. It's the only example of this particular version.

0:26:010:26:06

It would dig a bowl, a crater then a path towards it, the track that it would immaculately pick clean

0:26:060:26:13

and then it would sit for months during the mating season.

0:26:130:26:16

It has this huge booming sac.

0:26:160:26:18

It sounds like a giant blowing across a beer bottle. Whoo noise.

0:26:180:26:23

It would boom and boom and the females in the valley

0:26:230:26:26

below would listen to the boom they most liked and waddle up.

0:26:260:26:29

If by some terrible chance, a leaf had fallen on the track,

0:26:290:26:32

the female would turn and walk away.

0:26:320:26:34

The poor old male would have to pick it clean

0:26:340:26:37

and go back to booming again.

0:26:370:26:38

Sometimes three years would pass, booming away,

0:26:380:26:41

not getting his rocks off.

0:26:410:26:43

The only evolutionary pressure on this bird is to get laid. That's it.

0:26:430:26:47

There's nothing else.

0:26:470:26:49

It's fat, stupid, nocturnal horny bird and he couldn't even get laid.

0:26:490:26:53

That's like my life.

0:26:530:26:56

Kiwis aren't the most exciting birds, I have seen kiwis.

0:26:560:26:59

Have you burrowed into one of their dens? No, I haven't bothered to do that.

0:26:590:27:03

I did. It's exciting.

0:27:030:27:05

There's one on YouTube playing the piano.

0:27:050:27:08

Oh! No, no. Falling down an escalator.

0:27:080:27:11

I've seen them in special areas, you know.

0:27:110:27:13

I went out with this guide and he found one, and he said,

0:27:130:27:16

"Get in there, get in there."

0:27:160:27:17

And so I burrowed and burrowed and burrowed and burrowed.

0:27:170:27:20

And you just see this little eye winking at you,

0:27:200:27:23

and that long wonderful beak, and it just winked.

0:27:230:27:26

Aah. And I winked back and then sort of...

0:27:260:27:29

With a little look that just says, "you just destroyed my house."

0:27:290:27:32

Yeah. I was careful not to.

0:27:320:27:35

Aaah. Aah, lovely! It took three years to make this.

0:27:350:27:39

The New Zealand government,

0:27:390:27:41

they were given two pandas by the Chinese government in return for

0:27:410:27:44

two kiwis, and I just thought it was a bit of a swiz, you know.

0:27:440:27:48

It's like New Zealand, you know, the zoo in Auckland, all these

0:27:480:27:52

people going, aah, look at them, look at the pandas, and aah!

0:27:520:27:55

Some zoo in Beijing, people going, what?

0:27:550:27:57

What are they? These kiwis don't even sneeze. They don't, nothing.

0:27:570:28:02

Very good, very good, very good.

0:28:020:28:03

Now, what is this woman doing, though?

0:28:030:28:06

What the...? Is this Lady Gaga's new album cover, is it?

0:28:070:28:12

She's wearing a... It's an experiment.

0:28:140:28:17

No, she's using a device that's for sale, or was for sale,

0:28:170:28:20

it was built in 1929.

0:28:200:28:22

A new device. Knitting jumpers?

0:28:220:28:25

Patented by Dr Kurt Johnen, it records the motions

0:28:250:28:28

and bodily reactions.

0:28:280:28:29

A lady is pictured being examined by the device.

0:28:290:28:32

A pneumatic belt records the change of the circumference of her chest.

0:28:320:28:36

Pneumatic cuffs above the upper arms control the changes of muscle tension.

0:28:360:28:41

Through a hose is recorded the rhythms of respiration,

0:28:410:28:44

and another hose transfers the strength of touch.

0:28:440:28:47

It's a sex toy. You would think, wouldn't you?

0:28:470:28:49

But what about her hands? That's the clue, and our theme today?

0:28:490:28:53

Piano, she's learning piano.

0:28:530:28:54

Piano? A keyboard. Yes, it's a piano teaching machine.

0:28:540:28:58

Oh. Oh. Extraordinary, isn't it?

0:28:580:29:00

Wow. It's supposed to help you with your piano playing.

0:29:000:29:03

Your posture, your breathing.

0:29:030:29:05

There have been many others along those lines.

0:29:050:29:07

There was the Chiroplast, which was clamped to the piano

0:29:070:29:10

and trapped the player's arms, that's the one on the left,

0:29:100:29:13

so you were forced to play using only your wrist and finger action.

0:29:130:29:16

You were then crippled.

0:29:160:29:18

The one in the middle was the Dactylion, from the Greek "dactyl", meaning finger.

0:29:180:29:22

A contraption designed to strengthen the fingers, because

0:29:220:29:25

they're springs that you're going against in that middle picture.

0:29:250:29:28

And it's said that Robert Schumann used that

0:29:280:29:30

and it actually hurt his fingers.

0:29:300:29:33

Though others say that was syphilis.

0:29:330:29:36

It's a fine line, isn't it? It is a fine line. Oh, always.

0:29:360:29:39

When you're into fingering, syphilis is never far away.

0:29:390:29:44

Next to that is the Chiro, or the Chirogymnaste,

0:29:440:29:47

which is a tiny finger gym,

0:29:470:29:48

which has got little finger events and you can see them.

0:29:480:29:51

They still encourage you to do that.

0:29:510:29:53

There's little spring-loaded strengthening things

0:29:530:29:57

that I was given in the brief time I got someone to teach me the piano

0:29:570:30:01

and they said "You should strengthen your fingers."

0:30:010:30:03

I thought "I might as well be playing the piano."

0:30:030:30:06

My old piano teacher, she would be much better than that cos she'd use a ruler

0:30:060:30:11

and if you got it wrong, she'd whack you on the top of the...

0:30:110:30:14

That is more of a powerful incentive than any of this...

0:30:140:30:18

But if you do harm yourself by using one of these things,

0:30:180:30:21

you can always use the bed piano, for bedridden people.

0:30:210:30:24

Wow. Which is a rather splendid device. I think you'll agree.

0:30:240:30:29

I hope that's securely attached.

0:30:290:30:30

That is the laziest keyboard player in the world.

0:30:330:30:36

And as you see, it rolls up, pushes away neatly.

0:30:360:30:39

That's fantastic. It's great, isn't it? I want one.

0:30:390:30:42

You can slide pizzas down from the back.

0:30:420:30:45

Yes. Bill's sitting there going "I am going to get one of those."

0:30:450:30:49

I will, I'm going to get one. Bill will have one of those.

0:30:490:30:52

That's the piano for the bedroom. Ha-ha!

0:30:520:30:54

The upside-down piano, virtual. That's magic.

0:30:540:30:56

Be easier to strap yourself into bed and tilt the bed up to a normal piano. Yeah.

0:30:560:31:01

How would a left-handed piano work?

0:31:010:31:03

It would be high notes at the left.

0:31:030:31:05

There it is. And there it is. That is a left-handed piano. Wow.

0:31:050:31:08

It would take a hell of a lot of unlearning for you to play on that, wouldn't it? Good God!

0:31:080:31:12

Can you imagine? It would drive you mad. It would.

0:31:120:31:15

Transposing pianos, have you ever played with one of those?

0:31:150:31:17

Well, there's a device on the keyboard that will do that for you.

0:31:170:31:20

On an electric keyboard. On an electric one.

0:31:200:31:23

There are pianos with a mechanism that can... It's a lever on it.

0:31:230:31:26

It moves it across to the next string. Oh, right.

0:31:260:31:28

Irving Berlin used one, because he only composed in F sharp.

0:31:280:31:31

He's like Stevie Wonder, who likes the black notes. He couldn't read music,

0:31:310:31:35

but was the most successful songwriter of his age.

0:31:350:31:37

Really? Yeah. He couldn't read music, he was fantastically talented,

0:31:370:31:40

He wrote White Christmas, let alone Top Hat, White Tie.

0:31:400:31:44

He lived long enough to be able to see his own songs go

0:31:440:31:47

out of copyright, because his first hit was in 1911,

0:31:470:31:50

with Alexander's Ragtime Band.

0:31:500:31:51

You know, "Come on and hear, come on and hear Alexander's Ragtime Band."

0:31:510:31:55

They only go out of copyright after you're dead.

0:31:550:31:57

No, they do now, but in his day, it was 75 years after it was written.

0:31:570:32:00

Right. So he lived long enough to see some of his songs

0:32:000:32:03

go into the public domain. Now it's 70 years after you've died.

0:32:030:32:05

How old was he when he wrote it? Early twenties. But had this extraordinary talent. Amazing.

0:32:050:32:09

There's a long list of things I have to get after this show.

0:32:090:32:12

There's the upside-down piano, the upside-down dinner, I mean, everything, yeah.

0:32:120:32:16

It's funny you should say a list of things cos that brings me to Franz Liszt.

0:32:160:32:20

Ho ho! # Accidental segue! #

0:32:200:32:24

How did he change the piano? Did he have huge hands, Liszt?

0:32:240:32:29

He did. He could expand them, long, long span.

0:32:290:32:32

There were pianos made specifically for him.

0:32:320:32:35

Well, yes, then they became the standard type.

0:32:350:32:37

He gave it so much bloody welly that they made it out of an iron frame.

0:32:370:32:41

Before that, they'd been a wooden frame.

0:32:410:32:44

In Jane Campion's film The Piano,

0:32:440:32:46

when the piano is thrown out to sea, it should have floated.

0:32:460:32:50

instead of sinking because the film's set in 1850.

0:32:500:32:52

It would have been a pre-Lisztian piano.

0:32:520:32:55

Did that ruin it for you?

0:32:550:32:57

You won't be copying that film out. What's this rubbish?!

0:32:590:33:02

Plainly not possible!

0:33:020:33:05

Right, so... Good.

0:33:050:33:10

So, what did the man who knew everything think cats were good for?

0:33:100:33:14

Well...

0:33:140:33:16

Catching mice.

0:33:160:33:18

Catching mice. Isn't the man who knew everything Thomas Young?

0:33:180:33:22

Well, there's various people who were given

0:33:220:33:24

the title of the last man to know everything there was to know.

0:33:240:33:27

Erasmus, Leibnitz, Von Humboldt, and this man here, Kircher, his name is.

0:33:270:33:31

He was a German Jesuit, Athanasius Kircher.

0:33:310:33:34

And he certainly was very interested in lots of things.

0:33:340:33:37

He was lowered into Vesuvius. He believed the bubonic plague

0:33:370:33:40

was caused by microbes, well ahead of germ theory.

0:33:400:33:43

Claimed falsely to have interpreted Egyptian hieroglyphics.

0:33:430:33:46

He regarded things like magnetism

0:33:460:33:48

and love as branches of the same topic, attraction,

0:33:480:33:51

which is a very QI way of looking at things, I like that. Yeah.

0:33:510:33:55

But what are the cats doing?

0:33:550:33:56

Well, we'll come to that. Some things he got right.

0:33:560:33:59

He denied the possibility of flying tortoises.

0:33:590:34:01

I don't know who'd raised the possibility,

0:34:010:34:04

but he damn well squashed it and said, no,

0:34:040:34:06

there won't be such a thing as a flying tortoise.

0:34:060:34:09

Rubbish. But he did invent the megaphone, and the Katzenklavier.

0:34:090:34:14

Klavier is in fact German for key, from clavis, Latin, key,

0:34:140:34:17

but it's a keyboard instrument. The cat playing the piano. He invented You Tube.

0:34:170:34:22

I'm afraid, for cat-lovers, it's a bit more disturbing than that.

0:34:220:34:27

Oh, cat string, gut string.

0:34:270:34:28

No, not cat gut, no, arrange live cats in the right order,

0:34:280:34:31

according to their voice. Oh. And you play... Drums.

0:34:310:34:34

And there you go. Oh, brilliant.

0:34:340:34:36

That's awesome!

0:34:370:34:39

Oh, if only they had YouTube back then.

0:34:400:34:43

The outrage on the comments page.

0:34:430:34:45

It's another thing for your list, isn't it.

0:34:450:34:47

It's on the list. Yes, right up there.

0:34:470:34:50

You've got to get one of those.

0:34:500:34:52

Their tails are fixed in place underneath hammers.

0:34:520:34:54

When a key is pressed, the hammer hits the corresponding...

0:34:540:34:57

you can even get chords and of course there's dynamics.

0:34:570:34:59

The harder you hit, it the more of a yowl.

0:34:590:35:01

It wouldn't necessarily have to be cruel.

0:35:010:35:04

You could get the same mechanism,

0:35:040:35:05

but just have it sort of tickle the bollocks of a cat.

0:35:050:35:08

So it's more like...YAAH! As opposed to...YEAGHH!

0:35:080:35:10

For a trill. Yeah.

0:35:100:35:12

MIMICS CATS PLAYING "HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY IN THE WINDOW?"

0:35:120:35:16

What do they think, that you have an A cat and a B cat?

0:35:160:35:19

Yeah. And a C cat? I guess you just go round.

0:35:190:35:22

But there are only six cats and there are more than six keys, so...

0:35:220:35:25

Well, that's true, that's a limited range, it's very...

0:35:250:35:28

Experimental music. Experimental music.

0:35:280:35:30

All the other keys hit mice inside the box.

0:35:300:35:33

It's doubtful he actually built it,

0:35:340:35:36

but he certainly wrote out the plans for one.

0:35:360:35:38

There are reports for comparable devices for Philip II of Spain

0:35:380:35:41

which had the additional layer of hilarity by being played by a bear(!)

0:35:410:35:44

There are comparable records of pig organs,

0:35:440:35:46

that Louis XI of France, had one made by the Abbot of Baigne.

0:35:460:35:51

There you are, getting ascending order of pig, pig, pig.

0:35:510:35:54

That's fantastic.

0:35:540:35:55

I like the woman singing along with them as well.

0:35:550:35:58

You think she's playing the pigs, but the pigs are playing her.

0:35:580:36:01

And as late as the mid-19th century,

0:36:030:36:05

there was some instruments known variously as the Pig Organ,

0:36:050:36:08

the Hog Harmonium, Pigano, the Porkoforte,

0:36:080:36:12

or worst of all, the Swineway Grand.

0:36:120:36:15

So there you are, yes,

0:36:170:36:18

several people have tried to make musical instruments

0:36:180:36:20

out of live animals,

0:36:200:36:22

although it doesn't really work very well in practice.

0:36:220:36:24

And now for the welcome return of a keynote of QI,

0:36:240:36:26

a bit of General Ignorance very quickly. Fingers on keypads.

0:36:260:36:29

Nicely flexed and name something written by Winston Churchill?

0:36:290:36:33

Who was that? Yes?

0:36:330:36:35

The Second World War. Oh!

0:36:350:36:37

Have another go.

0:36:390:36:40

He won the Nobel Prize, didn't he?

0:36:420:36:43

He won the Nobel Prize for Literature. Yes, he did.

0:36:430:36:45

He wrote so much.

0:36:450:36:46

Our Prime Minister won the Nobel Prize for Literature, no question.

0:36:460:36:50

Can you out of interest name the only person to have won the Nobel Prize and an Oscar?

0:36:500:36:53

People wrongly say Al Gore because there was an Oscar given

0:36:530:36:56

to An Inconvenient Truth and he was given a Nobel Peace Prize,

0:36:560:36:58

but he didn't win the Oscar personally.

0:36:580:37:01

Any offers, punters? Sean Connery.

0:37:010:37:04

Shaw is the answer. George Bernard Shaw.

0:37:040:37:07

George Bernard Shaw came through the door.

0:37:070:37:12

He had a ladies' public conveniences built.

0:37:120:37:17

Yeah, he was very interested in stuff like that.

0:37:170:37:20

People said it was outrageous and disgusting

0:37:200:37:21

that there should be a public convenience for women. How appalling?

0:37:210:37:24

And he said, "No, I think women need to go too."

0:37:240:37:28

The first ladies' loos in London.

0:37:280:37:32

Winston Churchill did not write under the name Winston Churchill.

0:37:320:37:35

Our Prime Minister didn't. Oh, that's right.

0:37:350:37:37

What did he write under the name of? Anne Bronte.

0:37:370:37:40

The Gathering Storm, by Anne Bronte.

0:37:420:37:45

Daphne du Maurier.

0:37:450:37:47

My early years.

0:37:470:37:48

Katie Price.

0:37:480:37:50

No, what's his full name? Do you remember his full...?

0:37:530:37:55

Spencer. William Leonard Spencer Churchill.

0:37:550:37:57

Oh, Leonard. So he wrote under the name of Winston S Churchill.

0:37:570:38:00

Because when he started writing,

0:38:000:38:02

there was a very successful American novelist called Winston Churchill.

0:38:020:38:05

And so out of politeness to him

0:38:050:38:07

he wrote to him this very complicated letter,

0:38:070:38:09

which was sort of jokey, I think, he says -

0:38:090:38:10

"Winston Churchill has no doubt that Mr Winston Churchill will recognise from this letter,

0:38:100:38:14

"if indeed by no other means,

0:38:140:38:16

"that there is grave danger of his works being mistaken for those of Mr Winston Churchill.

0:38:160:38:20

"He feels sure that Mr Winston Churchill desires this as little as he does himself.

0:38:200:38:24

"In future to avoid mistakes as far as possible,

0:38:240:38:26

"Mr Winston Churchill has decided to sign all published articles, stories or other works,

0:38:260:38:30

"Winston Spencer Churchill and not Winston Churchill as formerly.

0:38:300:38:33

"He trusts that this arrangement will commend itself to Mr Winston Churchill."

0:38:330:38:37

And Winston Churchill replied,

0:38:370:38:38

"Mr Winston Churchill appreciates the courtesy of Mr Winston Churchill

0:38:380:38:41

"in adopting the name of Winston Spencer Churchill in his books, articles, etc.

0:38:410:38:45

"Mr Winston Churchill makes haste to add that had he possessed any other names,

0:38:450:38:48

"he would certainly have adopted one of them."

0:38:480:38:50

There you go. So how polite. That's so lovely.

0:38:500:38:53

I like the fact they refer to themselves in the third person.

0:38:530:38:55

Mr Churchill all the time, I know.

0:38:550:38:57

Clement Freud had a very good story he used to tell about when he was an MP.

0:38:570:39:01

He went to China on a fact-finding visit with other

0:39:010:39:04

parliamentarians including Winston Churchill Jr,

0:39:040:39:07

i.e. the grandson of Winston Spencer Churchill

0:39:070:39:09

who was a Tory MP.

0:39:090:39:12

One day Winston Churchill invited him

0:39:120:39:14

back to his room at the hotel for a nightcap.

0:39:140:39:16

Freud saw that his room was so much better than his.

0:39:160:39:19

So the next day, Freud said to the guide, "I'm not complaining.

0:39:190:39:22

"I just wondered why Mr Churchill's room is so much bigger than mine."

0:39:220:39:26

And the Chinese person said, "Because he has famous grandfather."

0:39:260:39:30

Clement Freud said "It's the only time I've even been out-grandfathered."

0:39:300:39:35

You'd think if your grandfather was Sigmund Freud, you were safe.

0:39:360:39:40

No-one could out-grandfather you.

0:39:400:39:42

You'd have the executive suite.

0:39:420:39:44

You should have seen Steve Hitler's room. It's enormous.

0:39:440:39:48

Now, what truly grim reading matter was banned in Germany after the War?

0:39:510:39:55

Romantic comedies? Mills and Boon?

0:39:570:40:00

"Say what you hear. The clue is in the question."

0:40:000:40:02

What was the question again? Say the question again.

0:40:020:40:05

What truly grim reading matter was...?

0:40:050:40:07

The Brothers Grimm.

0:40:070:40:08

Brothers Grimm. Oh, right.

0:40:080:40:10

Because people believed that real savagery of the Grimm fairy tales

0:40:100:40:14

had contributed to something that had turned the German people nasty,

0:40:140:40:18

the perceived barbarity of the people.

0:40:180:40:20

The argument they'd fostered obedience, discipline,

0:40:200:40:24

authoritarianism, nationalism, glorification of violence,

0:40:240:40:28

all that kind of thing, became part of the national character.

0:40:280:40:31

According to a British Major, TJ Leonard,

0:40:310:40:32

he said the fairytales had helped teach German children

0:40:320:40:35

"all the varieties of barbarousness."

0:40:350:40:38

Including light flannelling.

0:40:380:40:40

And it made them easy to fit the role of hangman,

0:40:420:40:45

and so on and so forth.

0:40:450:40:46

One of the stories was called

0:40:460:40:48

How Children Played Butcher With Each Other,

0:40:480:40:51

which was really savage.

0:40:510:40:52

That was removed from the second edition.

0:40:520:40:55

And in the Frog King, the frog is not kissed by the princess,

0:40:550:40:58

he's hurled against a wall with all the strength she has,

0:40:580:41:02

to turn him into a prince. A rather battered, bruised prince.

0:41:020:41:05

That'll do it. Yeah. At two miles an hour.

0:41:050:41:07

Two miles an hour, against a...

0:41:070:41:09

And he goes like that... Argh!

0:41:100:41:12

It was all he could do.

0:41:130:41:14

He's got little froggy arms. Yeah.

0:41:140:41:16

On the other hand, there is a lyrical quality.

0:41:180:41:20

The last in the collection, you'll love this story.

0:41:200:41:23

There's a little poor boy goes out into a wintry forest

0:41:230:41:25

to collect wood on a sled.

0:41:250:41:27

In the snow he finds a tiny key and next to it, an iron box.

0:41:280:41:33

The boy inserts the key, he turns it, he lifts the lid.

0:41:340:41:39

SUSPENSEFUL TUNE PLAYS

0:41:390:41:42

He lifts the lid...

0:41:460:41:49

TUNE CONTINUES

0:41:490:41:52

End of story.

0:41:550:41:57

Oh, really?

0:41:570:41:59

That's Pulp Fiction.

0:41:590:42:00

Exactly, it's the suitcase in Pulp Fiction,

0:42:000:42:02

exactly what I thought of it.

0:42:020:42:03

The rest is up to your imagination, boys and girls.

0:42:030:42:06

What do you think was in that box? A frog. Porn.

0:42:060:42:08

I think it was a stash of porn. Yeah. A flannel.

0:42:080:42:11

That's why I used to go into the woods.

0:42:120:42:14

Well, we've ended on a sour, bitter and very rude note.

0:42:170:42:20

Which is the way we like to end on QI.

0:42:200:42:22

Once again. Yes, hurrah.

0:42:220:42:23

Which brings us to the scores. And let's have a look.

0:42:230:42:25

My word, my goodness, my gracious, my goodness and my everything,

0:42:250:42:29

in first place, with plus three, is Bill Bailey!

0:42:290:42:32

Wow. I've never won!

0:42:340:42:37

How did you end up with plus three?

0:42:370:42:39

Second place for a first timer, with minus eight, it's Isy.

0:42:400:42:43

Oh, well done.

0:42:430:42:45

Third place, on his first appearance, is really not bad,

0:42:490:42:52

it's Tim Minchin.

0:42:520:42:53

And yes, in fourth place is Alan Davies!

0:42:560:43:00

So that's it from Isy, Tim, Bill, Alan and me.

0:43:080:43:10

And good night.

0:43:100:43:12

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