L-Animals QI XL


L-Animals

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, good evening, guten Abend,

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bonsoir and welcome to the QI L series.

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And this is our L series animals show, so let's meet my lovelies.

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-The leonine Ross Noble.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-The larky Sarah Millican.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Lounge lizard Colin Lane.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And the lesser-spotted Alan Davies.

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-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

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And here's what they sound like. Ross goes...

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LION ROARS

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A lion!

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-Sarah goes...

-LARK SINGS

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A lark, or possibly a ringtone.

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And Colin goes...

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HOWLING CRY

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I thought YOU were supposed to have the worst one.

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See if you can guess what that is.

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-That was a human simulator.

-It's an L.

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HOWLING CRY

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-MIMICS IN AUSSIE ACCENT:

-"I never!"

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It's not a Melbourne housewife, no.

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It's a good score at Scrabble for a four-lettered animal.

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-Lynx.

-Yes, it's a lynx. It's a lynx.

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And Alan, your sound is...

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'Stephen! Stephen! Listen to me!

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'I want points!'

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Right.

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Now, I've given each of you a penny in case you're caught short.

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-One of these.

-TOILET FLUSHES

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Yes, because one of our questions tonight,

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as in throughout this series, will be a little bit lavatorial.

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So, if you think that the answer to the question

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concerns the lavatory, you get a chance to spend your penny.

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It's a joker card. All right.

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Now, what does the loneliest whale in the world sound like?

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LYNX BUZZER

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LAUGHTER

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That's amazing.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I was going to say Richard Littlejohn.

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Someone sent me a thing about blue whales, that they are really loud.

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They can make a noise of 180 decibels.

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It's the loudest noise any animal can make. All whales are loud.

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-It's louder than a plane taking off.

-Oh, completely so.

-Or a baby crying, or anything.

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-And it can be heard 500 miles away.

-And further.

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In fact, the deeper it is, the further it sounds,

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and if it's very, very low-pitched...

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MIMICS WHALE SONG

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HE GETS LOUDER

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HE REACHES SCREAMING PITCH

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Somebody feed him!

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It's not even close.

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I don't know what that sounded like. I never want to hear it ever again.

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Your wife is a very lucky woman. Do you know that?

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Yeah, this particular whale, there's one, we don't actually know

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what species it is, because no-one's found it, but people have heard it.

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And it's very unusual

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because it's the highest-pitched whale that's ever been recorded

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by hydrophones, the microphones you pop down into the depths.

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-But how do they know it's lonely?

-Because it's never been answered.

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-Aww!

-But maybe it just likes spending time on its own.

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Maybe it's like singing in your kitchen in your nightie, maybe it's like that.

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There's a subtle difference between lonely and alone.

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That's very, very true, I agree.

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Maybe he's just reading books and spending some time...

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Not reading books, I don't think we can go that far.

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MIMICS WHALE SONG

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Also, how do we know, if we've never seen it,

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how do we know that it is a whale?

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It might just be a couple of dolphins mucking about with a big shell.

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HE HOOTS

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"They're coming, they're coming." "No, nothing. No."

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"There's a whale over there, I think, but, then..."

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-HE HOOTS

-No, I think...

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-That's the shell.

-That's the shell.

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It's a conch. HE HOOTS

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I didn't think conch when you did that.

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Oh, dear!

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-Are you suggesting that I'm...?

-I'm not suggesting anything.

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Are you suggesting I'm somehow pleasuring a whale?!

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LAUGHTER

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The sperm whale's penis is about three metres long.

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Yeah, you'd need a bigger mouth than even you have got.

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LAUGHTER

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-Isn't it great how we are all so keen to be involved?

-Absolutely.

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I'll have a go!

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Hang on a second, if we're all getting involved,

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I'll start here, have it all the way along the front.

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Here, you hold it like that...

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Right, here you go. Right there we go, there we go!

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Heave ho! Heave ho!

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It's going to blow!

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, dear, dear, dear. Well...

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Where has it been heard, this...?

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It's generally believed that it is a blue

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or a fin whale and it's 52 hertz, which is a far higher register.

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We've actually got it, we can hear it.

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DEEP VIBRATING CALL

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That seems very deep to us, but that's actually the highest.

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It sounds like standing outside a nightclub.

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-Deeper ones travel much further.

-HE MIMICS BEATBOX

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This is the Ministry of Sound.

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Yeah.

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What time are you closing? We're trying to sleep.

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Not with that shirt, mate. Members only.

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At home, you might not be able to hear that,

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because not all televisions can actually take that amount of bass.

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You probably haven't got a woofer at home, as I have.

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LAUGHTER

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And just on the issue of last creatures, not necessarily...

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Some people believe that rather than being a blue whale

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or a fin whale, it could actually be a whale

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that is a result of two different species of whale mating, a calf.

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A new kind of whale, and that it doesn't have a natural mate,

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because it's a sort of mutated voice.

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Well, the 52-hertz whale has a high-pitched voice and no mates.

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Now, what's wild, horny, comes from Northeast England,

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and hasn't been touched by a man in 800 years?

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-Don't look at me!

-I'm not looking at you!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I wasn't!

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No, no, I was touched by a man...

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Well, eh, that was one.

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..on Tuesday last week. There you go.

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-Definitely not me.

-That's one off the list.

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Is it...aaah!

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Watch this. I'm going to seem really smart if this works.

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Is it, is it the white cows? The Chllingham white cows?

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Whoa-ho! Yes, it is! Well done.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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-Very good. Have you seen them?

-I have seen them.

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There they are... In fact, as a boy, as I frolicked in the...

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That's where I'm from. I'm from the Northumberland...

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I'm up that neck of the woods.

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And then in the foot-and-mouth, everyone...

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"Oh, the white cows, they're all going to go!"

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And so they were quarantined off, and no-one was allowed near them,

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and it was all touch and go, touch and go...

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-Or NOT touch and go.

-Yeah.

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That's right. They haven't been touched certainly for 100 years

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-and probably for much longer.

-Well, when I was a kid,

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we used to ride 'em, so that's not true.

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LAUGHTER

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I shouldn't have said that on the telly.

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-Oh, please.

-Depends what you mean by "touched".

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They are fed during the winter months.

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Hay is pitchforked over the enclosure and they eat that.

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But no-one has dared touch them. They are pretty feral,

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and from them are descended many of the cattle that we now know.

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They look very different now, but you can see the relationship.

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Is that one cleaning out its nostril with its tongue?

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Yes. You could if you would.

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LAUGHTER

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-You mean the other way round.

-Would if you could.

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That was all wrong. Yeah, the Chillingham cattle.

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Do you know how many there are?

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-Er, 40?

-There are about 100.

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-Ah, 100.

-They have been going up.

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Oh, yeah, when I saw them as a kid there was only 40.

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The harsh winter of '46/'47, they were down to 13 of them.

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but they've come back up to around 100, which is encouraging.

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Again, incest seems to be best.

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-Er...

-Not in that neck of the woods, I can assure you.

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The Chillingham cattle, as Ross knew, live wild

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and haven't been touched in 800 years. From livestock to larvae.

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What form of transport might a caterpillar use?

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Do they hitch onto things?

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They do. And I wonder what they hitch onto.

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Furry mammals. Furry mammals carry a lot of stuff about.

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They do, but in this case they use each other.

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-Aww!

-They use a principle which is quite fun.

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The one that's on the bottom layer is going at a certain speed

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and the one above twice the speed,

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and the one above that thrice the speed.

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So all told, the whole group goes faster.

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And we've done a little experiment using stop-motion photography.

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Some boot's going to come in in a minute. Splat!

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Awful, isn't it? But if you watch, we've got two yellow pieces there

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and they're both moving one step at a time.

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But you'll see the one on the top layer is going faster

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and the single one can't catch up with it.

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And that's the principle they use -

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that the top layer is going quicker.

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And so that's how caterpillars move at greater speed

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to get to where they need to be.

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-It's like a travelator.

-The travelator.

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-Except when people get on the travelator, they slow right down.

-So annoying.

-It drives me mad.

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-When I get on a travelator, I really make the most of it.

-Me too.

-I accelerate.

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I love the way that the windows and everything just speed past you.

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Oh, it's fabulous.

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-Travelator!

-Yeah.

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-People even on the travelator, they just stop.

-I know!

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-Yes.

-Yeah, but it's doing the moving for you, so you don't have to move.

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That's why we're a nation of morbid... Oh, dear...

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LAUGHTER

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Or if you have small children, they turn around and run the other way.

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-Yes, they will do that.

-And then there's people coming and you're like...

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You have to do quite a lot of loud coughing and harrumphing

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and, "My flight's about to leave," sort of stuff,

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in order to get people to move across.

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It's just politeness to take one side of the travelator.

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Or say, "GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

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Yes, all right. That's an option too.

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Anyway, moving from larvae on to adult Lepidoptera.

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What's a sure-fire way of telling two butterflies apart?

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Different colour wings.

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-ALARM BLARES

-That would be true of those that were different colours.

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But suppose they looked identical?

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-Well, then, you can't.

-And were different species or genus.

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-Then you can't. That's it.

-Well, you might be able to.

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-Their breath.

-Their breath!

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Is it the prettier they are, the stinkier their breath?

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Their address.

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Their address, yes. That would do it.

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-Are they the same but different?

-Their names.

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-They're all the same but they're not?

-There are two genera

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of butterfly that look almost identical,

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and it's a type of evolution called Mullerian.

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There they are. And one of them tastes disgusting to birds,

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and the birds quite quickly learn that.

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-You just lick them?

-Well, the birds did.

-Just get a bird to lick it.

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And so the other one evolved to look as much like the one

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that's disgusting, without actually being disgusting.

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Because it doesn't need to develop the disgusting taste,

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because the birds will assume that it IS disgusting.

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And this is a thing that happens in nature.

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-You look identical just to survive.

-How smug must THEY be?

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-It's very, very good.

-So smug.

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And also, the one on the right there seems to have a tiny roll

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of gaffer tape in its mouth.

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-It does, doesn't it?

-LAUGHTER

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They're not even his real wings. He's made them.

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He's like that...

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"Look at that, I'm just like him. Come on."

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You go round the other side of that,

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that's all sticky-back plastic round there.

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But there is an answer to how you would tell the difference, and it's deeply personal.

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-Oh, it's the downstairs, is it?

-You would look at their genitalia.

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And there's a truly great novelist of the 20th century,

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although English was his third language,

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and he was very good at sexing butterflies. Indeed...

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-Sexing?

-Telling their...

-Sexing.

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-..telling their gender, examining their penises.

-Sexing or texting?

-Sexing.

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-Texting.

-No, sexing. There is a collection at Harvard University of these tiny

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little phials filled with penises of butterflies that he collected.

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There he is. He lived in America, hence Harvard, but he was born in Russia

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and then moved to Paris from a rather nobby family.

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And his name was Vladimir Nabokov.

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But you must have heard of his most famous novel.

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Yeah, 50 Shades Of Butterflies.

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Come on.

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-Yeah, it was amazing.

-Don't let us down.

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-Lolita.

-Lolita, thank you, Alan. Yes.

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He wrote Lolita, amongst many other magnificent novels.

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Operation Yewtree are all over him at the moment.

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LAUGHTER

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-"Lolita, light of my loins."

-The Russian Yewtree.

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-And he collects the penises.

-Well, he was a...

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But he's not bothered about the rest of it.

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He was an incredibly enthusiastic lepidopterist.

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And then he lets them go.

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-And he went, in fact, on index cards...

-Without a penis!

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That's a butterfly that's had its penis removed by Vladimir Nabokov.

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I got it, I got it, it was really good, Alan.

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-Was his name...?

-Stick to girls!

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Was his name Knob-off, did you say?

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Vladimir Knob-off.

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"Knob-off by name, knob-off by nature. I'll do anything.

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"Start with a butterfly, work my way up. Don't care."

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He was, as well as being a great writer,

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one of the finest lepidopterists of his time.

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He used his index cards, on which he wrote his scientific notes about Lepidoptera,

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to write the entire novel of Lolita, in fact, his most famous work.

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Did he try and collect all of the ladygardens of the butterflies?

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-LAUGHTER

-That's a very good point.

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I don't know if he exclusively confined himself to the penises of butterflies,

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but I suppose they were the easiest bits to see in such a small insect.

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The wings are easier to see.

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Well, yeah, no. When it comes to sexing, I mean.

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Butterfly pubes, imagine that.

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Imagine a pillow - how soft would that pillow be?

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-Just filled with butterfly pubes.

-Ohhh...

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He gave a very, very...

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LAUGHTER

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That's what... Not many people know this.

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Not many people know this, but all of Stephen's suits

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are lined with butterfly penises.

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That's true.

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By the finest tailors in the land.

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-No, I do have...

-Butterfly tailors, no less.

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That's right. Tiny moths come in.

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"Mr Fry, we have collected the butterfly pubes

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"of a million butterflies."

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They've been donated willingly.

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More than willingly.

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That's why he looks so comfortable on this show.

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See, look, he's even flapping like a butterfly.

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The power of the pubes are moving through the fine...

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LAUGHTER

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Look at him moving. There it goes again!

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The best way to tell butterflies apart

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is to look them straight in the genitals.

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Can you give me your impression of a puffer fish on the pull?

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LYNX BUZZER

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LAUGHTER

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That's the gift that keeps on giving.

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Oh, you're puffing your face.

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They play down the puffiness, I reckon.

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They do. Well, what they do is play up some whole other skill,

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which is really astonishing, in order to attract a female.

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They turn themselves inside out. Fully inside out.

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I would be impressed by that.

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What, if a bloke came up to you in a nightclub and went,

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"Watch this, love!" Woomf -

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and his lungs and heart and all the rest...

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-I mean, I wouldn't hug him, but I'd be impressed.

-Yeah.

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Fish, like birds, as you probably know, the males tend to be more colourful

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-and put on a good show to attract females.

-I did not know that.

-Did you not?

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-I knew it about birds.

-Hmm, beautiful plumage.

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Has he just had a Slush Puppy?

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LAUGHTER

0:16:030:16:05

A blue Slush Puppy. What he does...

0:16:050:16:08

It was in such a big glass, he went like that, it's gone on his eyes.

0:16:080:16:11

-Gone on his eyebrows.

-LAUGHTER

0:16:110:16:13

What they do is actually remarkable.

0:16:130:16:16

If you watch what he does, at first you'll think it's just random,

0:16:160:16:19

but then you'll go, "Oh, my goodness."

0:16:190:16:21

It takes nine days for him to prepare this for the female.

0:16:210:16:23

Is that just farting, what he's doing there?

0:16:230:16:26

-LAUGHTER

-No, that's... He turned, oh.

0:16:260:16:29

-It's extraordinary.

-Aww!

0:16:290:16:31

-He's made this enormous crater with ridges.

-He's made a lair.

0:16:310:16:34

Which are decorated with seashells. And it's there.

0:16:340:16:36

WOMEN: Aaah!

0:16:360:16:37

The ladies are so impressed. Is that what you want, a sand castle?

0:16:370:16:41

No, I think their "aaah" was they were impressed.

0:16:410:16:45

-Nine days' work to attract a female.

-How many days?

0:16:450:16:48

-Nine.

-Hmm...

0:16:480:16:50

LAUGHTER

0:16:500:16:51

A lot of females say that. They go, "No, not good enough." It has to be absolutely perfect.

0:16:510:16:55

And then when it is perfect, the female lays her eggs right in the middle.

0:16:550:16:59

And he then fertilises them and looks after them for six days, just to protect them.

0:16:590:17:03

That's nice, and then she can go back to work.

0:17:030:17:06

Or go to another crater.

0:17:060:17:07

No, the most amazing thing about that is, that's actually on the beach.

0:17:070:17:10

That's not even under the water.

0:17:100:17:13

-That would be...

-It comes out, like that.

0:17:130:17:16

Puts little flags in every ridge as well.

0:17:160:17:19

It's...I won't say entirely unique, because we know

0:17:190:17:22

so little about what goes on in the ocean, but it's one of the few

0:17:220:17:25

we know which is quite so marvellous and distinctive, the puffer fish.

0:17:250:17:29

But nine days is a long time. I mean, if you, Sarah...

0:17:290:17:31

-It's not really, though, is it?

-If she's worth it.

0:17:310:17:34

I mean, when she comes in, she comes in and just goes,

0:17:340:17:37

"Well, you've done that all wrong.

0:17:370:17:39

"Been waiting six months for you to get that finished and it's wrong.

0:17:390:17:43

"Do it again. I should have got somebody in to do it."

0:17:430:17:46

LAUGHTER

0:17:460:17:48

Anyway, the male puffer fish attracts his lady with

0:17:480:17:51

a heart exhibition.

0:17:510:17:53

Now, what do we call a fish that drives a tank?

0:17:530:17:55

Tank fish.

0:17:550:17:57

You might call it tank fish, but when I say "we", I mean WE.

0:17:570:18:02

What do we here at QI Central call a fish that drives a tank?

0:18:020:18:09

Sir.

0:18:090:18:11

ALARM BLARES

0:18:110:18:12

LAUGHTER

0:18:120:18:14

APPLAUSE

0:18:140:18:15

That was a shock. We read you like a book.

0:18:170:18:20

No, we're going to show you a fish driving a tank.

0:18:200:18:24

-What?

-Yes.

0:18:240:18:26

So if my splendid porters can come on with a little tank tray...

0:18:260:18:30

-The porters, ladies and gentlemen.

-Yeah!

0:18:300:18:33

There we are.

0:18:370:18:38

So, we've got a tank and we've got a fish who's going to drive the tank.

0:18:380:18:43

And there's our fish. He doesn't live here,

0:18:430:18:45

I want you to know, this is just his transport system. And...

0:18:450:18:48

This is, like, the poshest fairground ever.

0:18:480:18:51

Yeah. And if I turn on his little motor here...

0:18:510:18:54

-So this is a fish tank tank.

-And as soon as he moves, he will...

0:18:540:18:58

Give him some food, or poke him with a biro.

0:18:580:19:00

Every different direction he goes, he moves the tank.

0:19:000:19:06

And, whoa, there you go.

0:19:060:19:08

Let's move you into the middle here.

0:19:080:19:10

There you are, because you were getting all excited.

0:19:100:19:13

There you are, a few ant's eggs for him,

0:19:160:19:18

or whatever it is we feed him with.

0:19:180:19:20

Butterfly penises.

0:19:200:19:22

-But you obviously want to know...

-LAUGHTER

0:19:220:19:24

I said, what do we call him? His name is Alan.

0:19:250:19:29

LAUGHTER

0:19:290:19:30

He's Alan the QI goldfish, and just to put your minds at rest,

0:19:300:19:34

this is not his tank, he has a beautiful...

0:19:340:19:37

It's MY tank.

0:19:370:19:38

Yeah, exactly. He has a beautiful place where he hangs out, which is

0:19:380:19:41

full of wonderful toys and fronds.

0:19:410:19:43

It's near Watford and he drives there himself every morning.

0:19:430:19:46

Yeah, exactly. And you might like to meet our splendid elf Alex Bell,

0:19:460:19:50

who built this particular contraption for Alan.

0:19:500:19:53

Come on, Alex.

0:19:530:19:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:550:19:57

-We mustn't...

-Here we have the classic elf.

0:20:000:20:03

Absolutely.

0:20:030:20:05

Educated to within an inch of his life. Smartly turned out.

0:20:050:20:09

So how long did it take you to build this?

0:20:090:20:11

A couple of days. It's made of Lego, completely, so...

0:20:110:20:14

-It's entirely Lego?

-Yeah, it's all Lego.

0:20:140:20:16

Can we race it against caterpillars? LAUGHTER

0:20:160:20:19

And why did you make it?

0:20:190:20:21

-Someone...

-No, it's not rude, just asking.

0:20:210:20:24

There's a Dutch company called Studio Dip,

0:20:240:20:26

and they made a bigger version of this for a fish to live in,

0:20:260:20:29

and we thought we'd have a go at making our own.

0:20:290:20:31

Did you build it over two days to attract girls?

0:20:310:20:34

LAUGHTER

0:20:340:20:36

APPLAUSE

0:20:360:20:37

Sarah, are you impressed?

0:20:410:20:44

It's working for me.

0:20:440:20:46

I think the question that everyone wants to ask is that

0:20:460:20:49

if you were to make a full-size version out of the Pope-mobile...

0:20:490:20:53

LAUGHTER ..and the Pontiff was to swim very hard,

0:20:530:20:56

could he...would that work?

0:20:560:20:58

-Could we do that?

-Yeah, probably.

0:20:580:21:01

Just to put at rest those who are wondering what

0:21:010:21:03

the principle behind it is, when he swims forward, what happens exactly?

0:21:030:21:06

There are four sensors, one in each corner,

0:21:060:21:08

so whichever corner he goes to, it goes in that direction.

0:21:080:21:11

-It's that simple, nothing to do with the pressure of the water?

-No.

0:21:110:21:14

Would it be possible to build a giant one,

0:21:140:21:16

put a dolphin in it that could swim up,

0:21:160:21:19

do a somersault and then the whole vehicle could loop the loop?

0:21:190:21:22

-Yes.

-Theoretically, yes.

0:21:220:21:24

Let's do it.

0:21:240:21:26

I shall pay for that out of my own pocket.

0:21:260:21:28

-Are there future uses for this?

-Maybe military, I think...

-Military uses.

0:21:290:21:33

-The British Army IS on its uppers.

-Yeah, I think they'll probably be the only ones who'll fund it.

0:21:330:21:38

Well, it's very exciting for him.

0:21:380:21:40

But I'm sure he wants to get back to his huge

0:21:400:21:42

and very luxurious accommodation

0:21:420:21:44

-in the QI offices.

-He lives in a cistern.

-I'll hand him over to you.

0:21:440:21:48

-LAUGHTER

-Thank you, Alan.

0:21:480:21:52

-Thank you, Alan and Alex.

-APPLAUSE

0:21:520:21:54

That was very pleasing.

0:21:560:21:57

-The porters!

-APPLAUSE

0:21:590:22:02

So, anyway, moving on. What has 32 brains and sucks?

0:22:030:22:09

-The front row.

-LAUGHTER

0:22:100:22:14

Is there a creature that has 32 brains?

0:22:140:22:16

Does an octopus have lots of brains in its tentacles?

0:22:160:22:19

Yes, and genitalia at the end as well, if you remember.

0:22:190:22:21

-Oh, yes, I do remember.

-Really?

0:22:210:22:24

-On one of them.

-How do you know which one?

0:22:240:22:27

-You'll soon find out.

-LAUGHTER

0:22:270:22:31

Get a few lagers into it. Wee-e-ey!

0:22:320:22:36

But it's not an octopus.

0:22:360:22:38

It is an animal that is associated with moist conditions, and...

0:22:380:22:42

A slug.

0:22:420:22:43

It looks rather like a slug.

0:22:430:22:46

Here's a thing you can do to test this particular animal.

0:22:460:22:49

They've done it, they've filled a condom with blood

0:22:490:22:51

-and dropped it in the water where these creatures...

-Leech.

-Yes!

0:22:510:22:55

-And they've found...

-People have done that intentionally? Filled a condom with blood?

0:22:550:22:59

-In order to demonstrate how leeches..

-Some intentionally.

0:22:590:23:04

-Others accidentally.

-LAUGHTER

0:23:040:23:06

Exactly, exactly.

0:23:060:23:07

"Are you all right in there?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

0:23:110:23:14

LAUGHTER

0:23:140:23:16

"Don't flush it down the... No!"

0:23:180:23:20

That's why it's always...

0:23:210:23:23

LAUGHTER

0:23:230:23:25

That's horrific.

0:23:300:23:31

What it doesn't do is catch a leech,

0:23:310:23:33

because leeches haven't evolved expecting humans to splash through

0:23:330:23:36

the marshes, but they have expected other kinds of animal. And...

0:23:360:23:39

A frog, perhaps?

0:23:390:23:40

A frog is a perfect example.

0:23:400:23:42

If you put the condom in covered in blood,

0:23:420:23:45

leeches will not be attracted to it.

0:23:450:23:47

If you just wipe the condom over a frog,

0:23:470:23:50

and then drop it in, the leeches will go pha-doing!

0:23:500:23:52

-Because they smell frog.

-And the frog will be your friend for life.

0:23:520:23:56

They go, pha-dong, boing! Wheee!

0:23:560:23:59

-Exactly. They hop around.

-Yeah.

0:23:590:24:01

So we needn't be as afraid of leeches as we seem to be.

0:24:010:24:04

So, the merest whiff of frog will lure a leech to lunch.

0:24:040:24:08

But what part do Twiglets play in a mugger's lunch?

0:24:080:24:12

We've been very literal with our picture.

0:24:130:24:15

Is that Annie Lennox?!

0:24:150:24:17

LAUGHTER

0:24:170:24:19

Is a "mugger's lunch" a euphemism for something?

0:24:190:24:22

A mugger is a type of creature.

0:24:220:24:24

-A mugger is a...

-Lives in this kind of environment.

0:24:240:24:27

-Is it a crocodile or...?

-It is a crocodile, yes.

0:24:270:24:29

A mugger crocodile.

0:24:290:24:31

So it goes to parties...

0:24:310:24:33

No, it's not a Twiglet, it is a twiglet in the most literal sense.

0:24:330:24:36

-A little twig.

-A stick.

-A little stick.

-It hides behind the...

0:24:360:24:40

-Not behind it.

-It's a very small...

-It uses it as a tool.

0:24:400:24:43

It uses it as a tool in order to entrap.

0:24:430:24:46

-Like chopsticks.

-Catches Hula-Hoops.

-It catches wading birds

0:24:460:24:49

who think, "I'm building my nest... Oh, look, there's a log

0:24:490:24:52

"with some twigs on it!"

0:24:520:24:53

No way. How stupid are birds?!

0:24:530:24:55

LAUGHTER

0:24:550:24:57

Tiny brains, haven't they? Tiny little brains.

0:24:570:24:59

-Useless.

-Tiny.

0:24:590:25:01

They deserve to be eaten.

0:25:010:25:03

LAUGHTER

0:25:030:25:04

On the one hand, you think, "I'd love to be able to fly like a bird,"

0:25:040:25:07

but you'd be an idiot. They always fly into windows and lorries...

0:25:070:25:11

Crows are very intelligent. Crows, ravens...

0:25:110:25:13

-Crows?!

-Yeah.

-What, right, here's a crow, swooping around.

0:25:130:25:17

"Oh, yeah, that looks like a nice field!

0:25:170:25:19

"Ooh, better not go in there..."

0:25:190:25:21

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:230:25:25

"Oh, no, he's scary. He's clearly a trained assassin."

0:25:250:25:30

It doesn't make any sense at all.

0:25:310:25:33

At least set your scarecrow up like this.

0:25:330:25:36

-Rrr!

-Or just doing that, like that.

0:25:380:25:40

Exactly. "I'll take you down."

0:25:400:25:43

So that is one example of... It's the only example we know

0:25:430:25:46

of a reptile using tools. And it's only a recent discovery.

0:25:460:25:49

How does it get them on its head with its little hands?

0:25:490:25:52

It cleverly manoeuvres. It doesn't use its hands.

0:25:520:25:54

-Puts them in the water and does that?

-It takes nine days.

0:25:540:25:57

LAUGHTER

0:25:570:25:58

I'm impressed by anything that takes nine days.

0:25:580:26:00

He has to lie under a tree till a twig lands on his head.

0:26:000:26:03

And then another, and then another.

0:26:030:26:05

It's not the only animal, however, that uses...

0:26:050:26:07

The principle is a lure. That lures other animals.

0:26:070:26:10

You can see there's a type of snake, for example,

0:26:100:26:13

that has a very clever lure.

0:26:130:26:14

-Oh, it makes...

-It pretends to be a worm!

0:26:140:26:18

But look what happens. It's scary.

0:26:180:26:20

The furry thing...

0:26:200:26:22

Whoa!

0:26:220:26:23

It's so quick.

0:26:230:26:25

And it's eaten itself a nice little furry meal.

0:26:250:26:28

Because the furry thing thought, "Oh, there's a nice worm."

0:26:280:26:30

And you can see, it pulls back, you can see what it's just eaten.

0:26:300:26:34

-Oh, dear.

-Oh, wow.

0:26:340:26:35

Some of the snakes do a similar thing, very clever.

0:26:350:26:38

They'll pretend to be a draught excluder.

0:26:380:26:41

LAUGHTER

0:26:410:26:43

And then when the mouse approaches, they'll strike, like that,

0:26:460:26:50

and... But the mouse gets the last laugh,

0:26:500:26:52

cos it's not a mouse, it's an old lady's slippers!

0:26:520:26:56

HE CHOKES DRYLY

0:26:570:26:59

It's just a laughing Nana.

0:26:590:27:01

Aww.

0:27:010:27:03

I ought to express my gratitude to the one and only

0:27:030:27:06

Al the Viper Keeper for that footage.

0:27:060:27:08

He's lent us that footage.

0:27:080:27:10

Anyway, crocodiles are the only reptiles known to use tools.

0:27:100:27:13

Now, what's the most energetic thing that a slow-th, or sloth, ever does?

0:27:130:27:17

Whichever you prefer.

0:27:170:27:20

Oh, you're spending your penny. And you're right to!

0:27:200:27:23

-Is it?

-Yes. Well done.

0:27:230:27:25

APPLAUSE

0:27:250:27:26

-Going to the lavatory.

-Going to the lavatory.

0:27:300:27:32

They spend all their time in the trees except when they go down

0:27:320:27:35

and use a communal lavatory, which they share.

0:27:350:27:38

And this habit of sharing lavatories has given rise to some pretty

0:27:380:27:42

-unpleasant...

-Oh!

-Somebody's missed the lavatory there.

0:27:420:27:44

Well, I'm afraid it gets...

0:27:440:27:46

-Go and wee on a friend.

-It gets really, really worse.

0:27:460:27:50

It's grim beyond believing, this,

0:27:500:27:52

but at the Estacion Biologica Quebrada Blanco in Peru,

0:27:520:27:57

which is a field research site in the Amazon,

0:27:570:28:00

they observed very odd feeding habits of two-toed sloths.

0:28:000:28:02

They were hanging upside down from the roof of the scientists'

0:28:020:28:05

latrine, and they started to drop down into it

0:28:050:28:09

and scoop up handfuls of human excrement and toilet paper,

0:28:090:28:15

-and they would eat it.

-ALL: Ugh!

0:28:150:28:18

They even plunged into the pit itself, which you can see,

0:28:180:28:21

and emerged covering, after a liquid lunch, in poo.

0:28:210:28:24

The research paper noted, "It was scooping with one hand

0:28:240:28:26

"from the semi-liquid manure, and then eating from the hand.

0:28:260:28:30

"When more persons gathered around the latrine to watch this bizarre behaviour,

0:28:300:28:34

"the sloth emerged from the latrine and climbed into the nearest tree."

0:28:340:28:37

So it didn't like being watched. It might have been slightly ashamed.

0:28:370:28:41

You know when the film Jaws came out and it was really terrifying

0:28:410:28:44

to go to the toilet in case a shark came up and bit your bum...?

0:28:440:28:48

-I don't remember feeling that, to be honest.

-Maybe that was just our house.

0:28:480:28:52

But now we've got to worry about sloths coming up and...

0:28:520:28:55

-Clawing at your arse. Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:28:550:28:57

Well, it wouldn't do that, it would just sit there like that, going...

0:28:570:29:01

LAUGHTER

0:29:010:29:03

Hit me! Hit me! Ah, oh...

0:29:060:29:09

-Oh, God!

-As Supernanny would say, that was unacceptable.

0:29:110:29:15

-Unacceptable, yeah.

-I mean, dear...

0:29:150:29:18

It must be hard for them to be both an animal and a deadly sin.

0:29:180:29:23

-LAUGHTER

-That's true. That's true.

0:29:230:29:26

Because every morning they just go, "Ohhh..."

0:29:260:29:29

Is it the sloth - I might be wrong here, you'll know -

0:29:300:29:33

when they die, they stay in the trees, don't they?

0:29:330:29:37

-Totally.

-How long for?

0:29:370:29:39

-Just for ever.

-For ever?

-Yeah.

-Shut up!

0:29:390:29:42

Honestly, they're like... they'll be like...

0:29:420:29:45

-They'll rot away.

-..a skeleton, like just a...

0:29:450:29:47

They'll be eaten, perhaps, by other things.

0:29:470:29:49

-Yeah, but not the bones, just the outside.

-Yeah.

0:29:490:29:51

That's a hell of a way to find your nana, isn't it?

0:29:510:29:54

That's how we found mine. In the local park.

0:29:540:29:58

"What are you doing? Oh, no. Oh, God."

0:29:580:30:01

She'd only gone on the climbing frame.

0:30:010:30:04

Oh, dear. The only...

0:30:040:30:06

Not really!

0:30:060:30:08

Why...why did people go, "Ohhh"?

0:30:080:30:10

As if my nan genuinely... "Oh, that's terrible."

0:30:100:30:14

We don't know much about what goes on in the Northeast, but we hear things.

0:30:140:30:18

LAUGHTER

0:30:180:30:21

-Mainly from you.

-Yes.

0:30:210:30:23

So, the only reason, as Alan knew,

0:30:240:30:27

that sloths ever move out of a tree is to spend a penny.

0:30:270:30:30

But now it's time to wallow for a while in the filthy pile of ordure

0:30:300:30:33

that we call General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers, please.

0:30:330:30:37

How can you tell your labradoodle is pleased to see you?

0:30:370:30:40

Aren't they wonderful dogs? Yes.

0:30:400:30:43

It's got an erection.

0:30:430:30:44

LAUGHTER

0:30:440:30:46

You mean it's got its lipstick out?

0:30:510:30:53

Yeah. It's beetroot. It was always beetroot in our family.

0:30:530:30:56

"Mam, it's got its beetroot out again!"

0:30:560:30:58

Don't you think it's more like lipstick?

0:30:580:31:00

I'm going to look next time a bit closer.

0:31:000:31:03

-Is a labradoodle a cross between a Labrador and a poodle?

-Yep!

0:31:030:31:06

-Which is like a seeing-eye dog...

-Yes.

0:31:060:31:09

..and a poodle, which is like a fashion accessory dog.

0:31:090:31:13

So it's like a dog to see with, and be seen with!

0:31:130:31:16

Very well put!

0:31:160:31:18

The labradoodle is not, like some people think, like an Etch-a-Sketch.

0:31:180:31:22

Cos that's a magnadoodle, isn't it?

0:31:220:31:23

-Aww, sweet.

-A magnadoodle is a dog that just attracts spoons.

0:31:230:31:28

Whoo!

0:31:280:31:30

ROSS BARKS

0:31:300:31:33

The point is, it's not just a labradoodle,

0:31:330:31:36

it's all about dogs' expressions of pleasure to see their owners.

0:31:360:31:40

And we know about tail-wagging, obviously,

0:31:400:31:43

but tail-wagging is very subtle

0:31:430:31:45

and it's really for signals to other dogs.

0:31:450:31:47

But the answer is actually rather sweet.

0:31:470:31:49

And you may, if you have dogs at home, check this out

0:31:490:31:52

when you get home next after a little period of absence.

0:31:520:31:55

It's very, very quick, so it has to use high-speed cameras,

0:31:550:31:58

usually, to have found this out, but you may be able to see it.

0:31:580:32:01

Your dog will welcome you by lifting its left eyebrow,

0:32:010:32:05

if you are the owner and master of your dog, or mistress.

0:32:050:32:07

And that is the rather touching thing. The left eyebrow goes up.

0:32:070:32:10

-Very, very quickly.

-How do you know it's not just being quizzical?

0:32:100:32:13

Well, it only happens to their owners

0:32:130:32:15

and it doesn't happen to strangers. You'd expect them

0:32:150:32:18

to be more quizzical with people they hadn't met.

0:32:180:32:20

-Mmm.

-But with people they haven't met, there are other things.

0:32:200:32:23

Their left ear will go back, for example.

0:32:230:32:26

If it's an object they don't know, their right ear will go forward.

0:32:260:32:29

So let me get this right.

0:32:290:32:30

-Owner comes in, left eyebrow goes up.

-Yeah.

0:32:300:32:33

-Stranger comes in, ear goes that way.

-Yeah.

0:32:330:32:36

So if you were to get... If I was to come in the house,

0:32:360:32:40

and then quickly get a stranger to come in,

0:32:400:32:43

I could flip my dog.

0:32:430:32:45

LAUGHTER

0:32:450:32:47

What's it mean when it licks its willy?

0:32:470:32:50

What does that mean?

0:32:500:32:52

It just wants to have a good time, I should think.

0:32:520:32:55

-I can't think of any other reason.

-Noted.

0:32:550:32:57

Yeah. So, dogs show they're pleased to see you by raising an eyebrow.

0:32:570:33:02

Which cat never changes its spots?

0:33:020:33:04

Well, now, see, I sense a trap.

0:33:060:33:08

Do you?

0:33:080:33:10

-LION BUZZER

-Oh, lion.

0:33:100:33:12

Is it the jaguar?

0:33:120:33:15

Good.

0:33:150:33:16

Because if you shave a jaguar, it's got that,

0:33:160:33:20

the jaguar pattern on its skin, that's not its fur.

0:33:200:33:24

So therefore, it doesn't matter how many times you shave it,

0:33:240:33:27

the spots remain the same.

0:33:270:33:29

Interesting. It's not the correct answer.

0:33:290:33:32

All right, I'll be off, then.

0:33:320:33:33

We avoided saying the leopard.

0:33:330:33:36

Yes, because that was the trap I sensed.

0:33:360:33:38

We can see a little leopard kitten, with its mother,

0:33:380:33:41

and you can see the leopard kitten

0:33:410:33:43

really does have quite tight spots, very close together,

0:33:430:33:45

and the mother has what are called rosettes, which are very different.

0:33:450:33:48

The animal actually is a lion

0:33:480:33:50

and the spots are where its whiskers sprout from.

0:33:500:33:53

And you can see those little lines of dots there.

0:33:530:33:55

-Oh. Like it's been sniffing glue, like that.

-They never change.

0:33:550:33:58

They never ever change, so they're like fingerprints - you can

0:33:580:34:00

identify a particular lion just by the array of its spots.

0:34:000:34:03

You'd have to get very close to it, though.

0:34:030:34:05

-And you wouldn't necessarily want to do that.

-No.

-No, exactly.

0:34:050:34:07

So, it's lions, not leopards, that never change their spots.

0:34:070:34:10

Which is the biggest of the big cats, though?

0:34:100:34:13

-LION BUZZER

-Yes, lion in first.

0:34:130:34:15

Is it the jaguar?

0:34:150:34:17

-LAUGHTER

-No. Not even the V12. No, I'm afraid not.

0:34:170:34:21

Any other thoughts?

0:34:210:34:23

Well, the lion?

0:34:230:34:25

ALARM BLARES

0:34:250:34:27

-The leopard? No.

-Panther?

0:34:270:34:29

-The tiger, is it the tiger?

-You're both half-right.

0:34:290:34:32

-The cougar.

-Oh, it's the...

0:34:320:34:33

It's the labratiger. Labratiger.

0:34:330:34:36

The labratiger!

0:34:360:34:37

-The liger?

-It is the liger, and the liger is composed of what?

0:34:370:34:41

-A lion and a tiger.

-But which gender round?

0:34:410:34:44

The front half is a tiger. LAUGHTER

0:34:440:34:47

The back half, it's like a dodgy safari salesman.

0:34:470:34:50

-"Tell you what, mate, that's lovely, that's a lion, that is."

-Cut and shove.

0:34:500:34:53

-A male tiger and a female lion.

-Yes.

0:34:530:34:55

In both cases, they put the male first,

0:34:550:34:57

so if it's a liger, it's a lion male and a tiger female.

0:34:570:34:59

And if it's a tigon, then it's a male tiger and a female...

0:34:590:35:03

-The best one is the zeraffe. Yeah.

-Well...

0:35:030:35:06

It's just got a zebra body and then a giraffe neck,

0:35:060:35:09

and it's always falling forward.

0:35:090:35:11

LAUGHTER

0:35:110:35:13

There are zebroids, which are zebras crossed with all kinds of...

0:35:130:35:17

Asteroids. Haemorrhoids.

0:35:170:35:19

LAUGHTER

0:35:190:35:21

-That's an example...

-A dragon and a...

0:35:210:35:23

That's a very extraordinary mixture. In January 2014,

0:35:230:35:27

the first set of white ligers was born, and there they are.

0:35:270:35:31

-Aww.

-And they are possibly going to be the biggest big cats ever.

0:35:310:35:35

They're already pretty huge.

0:35:350:35:36

Looks like one of those things on the end of your bed with a zip

0:35:360:35:39

-that you used to put your pyjamas in.

-Yes!

0:35:390:35:42

A footstool for All Saints.

0:35:420:35:43

Haven't seen All Saints for years.

0:35:430:35:45

Their, er, their diet is exclusively magicians.

0:35:450:35:50

LAUGHTER

0:35:500:35:52

So you get a zebroid, you get a wholfin...

0:35:530:35:55

A wolf and a dolphin?!

0:35:550:35:58

No!

0:35:580:35:59

-Wh-olfin.

-They howl out their blowholes.

0:35:590:36:03

HE HOWLS

0:36:030:36:06

The best one is a werewholfin.

0:36:060:36:08

That's where every full moon,

0:36:080:36:11

a wolf-dolphin leaps out of the sea

0:36:110:36:13

and changes into a man.

0:36:130:36:15

It's a mixture of what's known as a false killer whale

0:36:150:36:19

and a bottlenose dolphin.

0:36:190:36:21

There you are. There's only one in existence in captivity,

0:36:210:36:24

but there have been others reported in the wild.

0:36:240:36:26

They've been seen on the M1 in big tank cars.

0:36:260:36:28

Indeed.

0:36:280:36:30

So, good, excellent.

0:36:300:36:33

That brings me to the scores. Let's leap to them.

0:36:330:36:36

In last place, I'm afraid,

0:36:360:36:37

he's come thousands of miles to be minus 20, it's Colin Lane.

0:36:370:36:42

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:36:420:36:45

In third place, twice as good a score,

0:36:480:36:51

but still minus 10, Sarah Millican.

0:36:510:36:53

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:36:530:36:56

And minus 5, Alan Davies!

0:36:570:37:00

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:37:000:37:02

Which means that our winner on a staggering plus 6 is Ross Noble!

0:37:040:37:08

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:37:080:37:11

So, it's good night from Sarah, Ross, Colin, Alan and me.

0:37:160:37:19

And I leave you with the last words of Noel Coward, of all people,

0:37:190:37:22

and how sad they are - "Good night, my darlings, I'll see you tomorrow."

0:37:220:37:26

Good night.

0:37:260:37:27

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:37:270:37:29

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