Lumped Together QI XL

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Go-o-ood evening,

good evening, good evening, good evening,

good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,

where tonight lice, love handles

and lingerie are all lumped together.

Let's meet the lacy Jimmy Carr.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.

The lusty Ronni Ancona.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The leggy David Mitchell.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And the lamentable Alan Davies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, before we even begin with the first question,

one of your buzzers has been investigated by the FBI.

Let's listen to all of them and see if you can get some early points

by guessing which one. Jimmy goes...

# Lola, la-la-la-la, Lola... #

Ronni goes...

# Lay, lady, lay

# Lay across my big brass bed... #

David goes...

# Louie Louie, oh, no

# Gotta go Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi... #

And Alan goes...

# Little Willy really won't go home... #

So, we've got Little Willy really won't go home.

Your song, do you recognise it?

I did... I think I've heard those noises before,

-but I couldn't put words to them.

-You seem to know it?

-Louie Louie.

-Louie Louie.

-Which I think was investigated by the FBI.

-Aha!

-Because I think they thought it was a drug reference.

-They couldn't figure out what the song was about.

-Worse than...

Well, is it worse than drugs? No, it isn't, it's better than, well...

-Sex.

-Oh, it's a moral conundrum.

Is sex better or worse than drugs, when it comes to the FBI?

-Well, it can... It can be better and worse.

-Yeah, you're right.

-Stephen, why can't we do both?

-Yeah. One might assist the other.

-What's sex again? Sorry.

-Aw...

So this is, the FBI investigated the song?

-Yeah, they investigated Louie Louie. You.

-Right.

Yes, your song, because they thought it had very lewd references.

We can see what the lyrics actually were.

-Filth.

-Yes. Well, that's what the lyric was.

-Filth!

Ban this filth!

What they thought was being sung was...

-And...

-That's hysterical.

-My God!

-The weird thing is...

-They wrote a song about my pre-show ritual, Ronni.

The weird thing is, if you listen to it,

you can see why they thought that.

THE SONG PLAYS

LAUGHTER

It does sound like that, doesn't it?

So, they investigated it, played it slowly,

and they explained exactly what the lyrics were.

It's one of those effects, where if you look at the right lyrics and hear it back again,

-it does seem, "Oh, yes, I see what the words are."

-Says more about them than it does about the artist.

Exactly. You're so right.

Well, that's early points then, for Jimmy Carr, who got that -

-that the FBI investigated Louie Louie.

-Yeah! Go, early points!

APPLAUSE

Points early doors. Right, let's begin.

What did the man who invented the lava lamp do for leisure?

-There he is.

-That's John Malkovich.

It does look a bit like John Malkovich.

In a Hawaiian shirt.

Was he into women?

Was he a lover man?

-Well, he was like most men.

-I can't believe I did that.

-You know you said that out loud?

-I know, I know, I know.

-You said, "Was he a lover man?" out loud, just now.

-I know.

-They all heard.

-Sorry.

Yeah, well, actually, I'm going to make a lava lamp...

-Have you got one?

-..for your edification, pleasure and entertainment.

I have here a little tube. This is actually a tube that usually

contains tennis balls, and this is a mixture of vegetable oil and water.

And I have here a little syringe.

Quite hard to mix, by the way, those two things.

Yeah, they are, because...

They separate and... Don't they, David?

-Yes...

-Hello. So you pump the colour in.

And I'm going to use Alka-Seltzer

or any effervescent hangover cure pill will do.

-And I...

-Are you going to say, "Don't try this at home?"

Well, you can, actually.

Honestly, it's not like Mentos, it's not going to explode.

And cue light. There we go. Pop it on.

-And, then, as the...

-Oh, it's a beautiful thing.

..effervescent works, it begins...

Yeah, there we are, beginning to get the effect.

There we are, the colour's now beginning to come into it.

And you're getting a, sort of, lava lamp there.

Obviously, professionally, they're made more permanent.

A lava lamp, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE

But you've all got the equipment, as it were,

-so you can make one yourselves.

-Oh, so exciting!

-Aren't you lucky?

-Yeah.

-It's so exciting.

-We've begun with the thrilling excitement.

-Awesome.

Let's try and get it done quick.

-Do you have to pay something to the format holders of the Generation Game?

-Yeah.

-It is a bit Generation Game, you're right.

-Yeah.

-OK, let's just...

-What do we do with that?

-We inject colour in, I think.

-Inject colour. You've all got different colours to make it thrilling.

-So...

Don't put too much of the effervescent hangover cure...

-Oh, I put all of it in.

-Did you? Oh, no. Did you?

-It's a slightly manic lava lamp.

-Don't put too many pills in.

And now just put a little of the...

No, put loads in, it's brilliant.

-Yeah, just put a little in, yeah.

-Look at that!

-Look at your bullshit lava lamp.

-Mine has dried.

Ours is so brilliant. Look at that!

-Your lava lamp is...

-Hey!

-Give... Steal another one of the...

-RONNI:

-It's happening. It's all happening in our corner.

-I can feed it.

-Won't it explode now?

-Hopefully.

I can... No! No, you don't. No!

You're no fun. Stick another one in, ours has gone mental.

I'm a responsible adult, there has to be one on this programme.

-RONNI:

-Look at all these little balls.

-DAVID:

-I'm nervous of having them...

-Stop saying that!

-I've got rather...

-This genuinely reminds me so much of school,

when you said, "Don't put all the Alka-Seltzer in,"

and then Alan said, "We're putting it all in," as a result.

And I've gone along with him and now I'm frightened.

You're the one in trouble.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is it going to blow?!

-Sir? Sir?!

-Sir?! Sir?!

All right!

-Sir?! Sir?!

-All right!

-All right.

-Sir!

All right.

David Mitchell, you made me laugh.

You made me laugh, David.

-I've told you before...

-You're in trouble!

It's not funny.

There's nothing funny about making people laugh.

LAUGHTER

Dear, oh, dear. I've got oily hands.

Mitchell's taken the lid off, sir!

Mitchell's taken the lid off, it's not sealed.

This is most unfortunate.

Are you...? Have you just...?

Why haven't you got any little balls in yours?

I beg your pardon?

This is not how it was supposed to happen, at all.

LAUGHTER

I love how broad Stephen's remit is.

That's industrial...

APPLAUSE

We all know why Alan has industrial strength tissues.

LAUGHTER

-RONNI:

-You're not supposed to do that, Jimmy.

Right, everybody put their trays away.

-DAVID:

-You've put gunk all on the eye.

Yeah. Rebel!

So, well done with your lava lamps,

he said, between gritted teeth.

The inventor was Edward Craven Walker,

who was born in 1918 and died in the year 2000.

I asked you at the very beginning

what his other leisure pursuits were.

Let me read you what he said about the lava lamp.

He said, "It starts from nothing, grows possibly a little feminine,

"then a little bit masculine, then breaks up and has children.

"It's a sexy thing."

He was having a "lava", wasn't he?

Sorry, I can't believe I did that again.

-Don't look at me like that.

-Don't punish yourself, it's fine.

Not angry, I'm just disappointed.

LAUGHTER

He thought it was like he'd made an organism.

-A sort of lovely, sexy thing.

-Yeah.

And he was that kind of a man, I'm afraid.

Was he a swinger? Was he one of the swingers?

-He was pretty much a swinger.

-Oh, was he?

He directed nudist films.

-Nudist films?

-Yeah.

He was a nudist, was he?

His were "nat-urist" films, yes, or naturist, depending on how...

The fact that that was his hobby,

did he not turn a profit on the porn?

It wasn't porn...

He had to subsidise his porn-making habit

with his lava lamp business.

LAUGHTER

He got the first naturist film that was on public release.

-That's the point.

-That's not how you do it!

LAUGHTER

It's not porn. It's about people being naked.

And this was a ballet underwater.

-Vulcans do it like that.

-Do they?

-Yes.

-Do they?

Is that one of his? Is that a still from one of his?

No, actually, we've made that up, apparently.

-Are those members of the production team?

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

I don't think they're being paid enough to have to do that.

A couple of our elves...relaxing.

When you say the QI elves,

that's not the image that springs into my mind.

You think of sun-starved, specky creatures who are researching.

I don't want to be unkind, but, yes, I do.

Not a male and a female trying to do some sort of scissor sisters action.

Well, Edward Craven Walker founded the largest nudist colony in Britain, too, or one of the largest.

Milton Keynes!

LAUGHTER

Do you know the name of the company that still sells the lava lamps?

His company?

-It begins with... Something to do... It's Math...

-Mathmos?

Mathmos. Share the points between you.

-Do you know where that name comes from?

-Mathmos?

-Yeah.

-The film starring Jane Fonda.

-Ooh!

-Barbarellis?

-Barbarella.

-Oh, yes!

-Barbarella.

Yes, it was a seething lake of oily substances.

-And Duran Duran comes in that movie as well?

-It does, absolutely.

The city of Sogo in Barbarella had this lake of Mathmos.

At school, we used to call people who were good at maths "math-mos".

-That's right, that's still used.

-Just a different pronunciation?

I like the idea at school you looked down on anyone.

-Like, "Good at maths, bloody idiots!"

-No, I-I...

I deemed it a term of respect.

LAUGHTER

Were they calling you mathmos?

-Wear your mathmo badge with pride! And they did wear badges.

-Yeah?

-Did they?

-You DID wear badges!

-I collected badges!

-RONNI:

-Did you?

-Aww!

Yeah, cos you go to, like, Warwick Castle and London Zoo,

and in order for the Western economy to prosper,

small children have to buy pointless objects.

In all of these places, you could buy a bookmark,

-you could buy a paperweight...

-A pencil-topper!

Exactly. Or you could buy a badge.

And I always bought a badge,

and that's how I expressed my personality.

LAUGHTER

I didn't have to think, "What shall I buy? Ooh..."

No, didn't have to think. I always buy a badge.

It took him ages to take them all off before we came on here as well!

Now, how can I make sure that I dream about scantily clad women?

Does it work to look at a scantily-clad woman just before you go to sleep?

You're along the right lines, yes.

There was a Frenchman with the marvellous name of Marie-Jean-Leon Lecoq, the Marquis d'Hervey...

-"Lay-on The Cock"?

-Leon Lecoq.

LAUGHTER

He was the Marquis d'Hervey de Saint-Denys, and he was a beardy old Victorian aristocrat,

as you can see from this picture of him. There he is, with his medals.

I thought you were going to say "pervert" there.

-"Beardy old Victorian pervert."

-His technique...

What are the medals for?!

He's looking at a scantily-clad lady right there.

I can tell you what they are.

The first one, he went to Warwick Castle...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

..the next one was London Zoo. That's a pencil-topper.

He was very much the French David Mitchell of his age.

So, what was his technique for dreaming of scantily-clad women?

Well, what he would do is he would paint a scantily-clad woman

all day while chewing an orris root.

Orris root is used in potpourris and perfumes and such things.

And then he would go to sleep and his servant would place,

while he was asleep, some orris root in his mouth, very gently.

And this would summon up the memory of scantily clad women

and he would have what is known, technically, as a lucid dream.

A dream which you are aware of and which you have a kind of control over. A bit like...

Presumably, it was an improvement for the servant on what

he was previously asked to do.

LAUGHTER

Yes, I imagine so!

But there are ways you can do this for yourself without a servant,

according to Richard Wiseman,

who has written a new book called Night School.

And one of them is you check your watch regularly,

as much as you can, being absolutely sure to

look at the numbers, the numerals on the watch, throughout the day.

Right.

And this is likely to cause you to dream of yourself

looking at the watch when you're asleep.

But you won't be able to see the numbers properly.

And this forces you, somehow, to be aware that you're in a dream.

You kind of know you're looking for the numbers and they're not there,

and that kind of puts you in control in the sort of Holodeck

of your dream, as it were.

-I can see a very serious flaw in this man's plan.

-Yes?

What happens if, one day, when you're awake,

you put on a watch that doesn't have numbers, just has little lines.

You look at it later in the day and you think,

-"Oh, brilliant, I'm in a dream!"

-LAUGHTER

"I can do what I like! I'm not really at work.

"The receptionist from work isn't really here. I can do what I like!"

It could be like Terry-Thomas,

-and call Sir Dennis an "old buffoon".

-Exactly!

The people will be calling each other "old buffoons" all the time before you know it.

I imagine, in that scenario, you woke up in the office, you thought, "Oh, I'm in a dream."

I imagine you would quietly get on with your work.

LAUGHTER

Sad to say, but I think that's what would happen!

Apparently, 50% of us have had a lucid dream, in that sense,

in our lives.

And you're more likely to have one if you are a computer gamer as well.

Which is perhaps not surprising, spending your time...

sort of, you know, Grand-Thefting.

LAUGHTER

Now, on to lingerie.

Whom did your great-great- great-great-grandmother

throw her pants at?

-Great-great... How many greats?

-Four greats and a grandmother.

-Great-great-great-great-grandmother.

-That's...Victorian.

-Yeah.

If that's Scouse, though, that could be the '70s.

LAUGHTER

Oh! Ohh!

APPLAUSE

What?!

-I love the way you go, "What?!"

-I think they'll be all right.

They've got a sense of humour, don't panic!

Could you do the next five minutes in a Scouse voice,

so that we won't get letters of complaint?

-SCOUSE ACCENT:

-OK. OK, then.

What were you going to say?

SCOUSE ACCENT: Oh, I want some chicken and a can of Coke.

I can do only Scouse if I say...

SCOUSE ACCENT: ..I want some chicken and a can of Coke.

That's what they say, isn't it? Sorry, no! No, no!

-DAVID:

-Let's get on to something...

-Disgraceful. Disgraceful.

Let's get on to Israel or something less contentious.

LAUGHTER

Would it have been kind of, like, at the time... So we're talking...

-that would be about 1850?

-Yeah, early Victorian era.

Early Victorian. So, didn't they get...?

Their celebrities at the time

were people who were doing useful things,

-like Isambard Kingdom Brunel, or someone?

-No.

-RP ACCENT:

-No-one does suspension like him.

I love his cantilevers.

I love the fact that your great-great-great-great-grandmother

-was always old.

-Yeah, I don't know why I did that.

Even when she was throwing her knickers at people,

she was an old lady.

I don't know... It was a celebrity of the time?

He was a celebrity.

And the most famous pant-throwing receptor was Tom Jones,

or is Tom Jones, of course - still very much alive and booming.

What do you mean, "still very much alive"?

Have you not seen The Voice?

LAUGHTER

I don't get this phenomenon of throwing your pants at someone,

because at what point... Do you go out with extra pants?

Do you, literally, go, "I've got the car keys, travel card,

"pants on, pants to throw?"

The gesture is meaningless

unless they're the pants you were wearing for functional reasons.

If you've just brought a bag of other pants,

-then it might as well be a term of abuse.

-Yeah.

But what if it's David Cassidy?

What if you've got flares on, David,

and you're watching a David Cassidy thing,

do you take them off down one leg or do you take them all off?

We still haven't clearly approached...

-DAVID:

-Garibaldi.

-Not Garibaldi.

You're in the right area with music.

-He was popular, Garibaldi.

-Yes, but he wasn't a musician!

-Oh, music. Oh, right.

-Oh, is it a composer?

-Bourbon. Custard cream.

-A composer, but a performer,

-the most extraordinary performer of his day.

-Liszt!

Franz Liszt is the right answer.

Absolutely. Well done.

-APPLAUSE

-Phew. We got there.

It looks more as if he'd been attacked by a swarm of bees,

but that is supposed to indicate ladies

and their husbands trying to restrain them.

These women - some of them fainting, throwing kisses -

you can see, they're absolutely rapturous.

And they were completely astounded by this man, his virtuosity.

Was he as good as Liberace...?

I knew that would upset him.

Look at him - he's livid.

He was an astounding composer as well as a remarkable pianist.

And, of course, he was exploiting the new developments in pianos

and the arrival of the pianoforte

as opposed to the fortepiano, which preceded it.

And he was remarkable for many other reasons, as well.

He had affairs with a lot of people, including Lola Montez.

Do you know of Lola Montez?

An extraordinary Irish woman who'd had an affair

with Ludwig of Bavaria and caused a revolution in Bavaria, in fact.

There she is.

And then, amazingly, Liszt became an abbe -

an abbot, essentially. A man of the cloth.

"He is very thin and tall," Charles Halle said.

"He has perfectly lank hair so long

"that it spreads over his shoulders, which looks very odd.

"When he gets excited and gesticulates,

"it falls right over his face and one sees nothing of his nose."

So, he was like an old English sheepdog, perhaps, in that sense.

He had Olga Janina,

who was a former pupil with whom he'd had a fling,

who pursued him all over Europe

and eventually got so upset and hysterical

that she stalked him and tried to stab him and committed suicide.

So, he really, you know, was a star.

I mean, a real, real star in the most extraordinary way.

It's a very odd thing, that.

The guy that killed John Lennon was such a huge fan of John Lennon.

It's a very weird thing when people get so...

"For each man kills the thing he loves."

Let this be known.

The brave man does it with the sword, the coward, etc.

-How many fans have you got, Jimmy?

-Not enough to be worried.

LAUGHTER

It's a lovely level of fame, a comedian, I think.

People come up and tell you jokes all day, which is very pleasant,

but no-one's ever outside your house going,

"I made you a cake."

Well, there's always the Daily Mail, Jimmy - they're always outside.

They're happy.

So, yeah, the ladies went loopy for Liszt,

the Justin Bieber of his day.

That's hardly right, come on, but you know what I mean.

All right, Harry Styles.

Stop it. He was a genius. Total genius.

Now for a game of Spot The Leaf.

I want you to tell me how many leaves are in this picture.

Oh, that's going to be easy.

# Lay, lady, lay... #

Six? Six...

-ALARM BLARES

-Oh!

It's going to be five and a creepy-crawly.

Five and a creepy-crawly is the right...

Creepy-crawly is the technical term. He is pretty good, though, isn't he?

He is very impressive.

Even with the little, sort of, disease marks.

And you'll see - we have film of him -

he, kind of, waves in the wind, like a leaf.

Insects, of course, get eaten whole by birds,

and so his strategy is to look like that. But the problem is,

he occasionally gets bits of himself nibbled by caterpillars. So...

So you've got to be a bit careful when the you're looking like a leaf.

I imagine the caterpillar's livid. It's going, "I'm a vegetarian!"

Well, that's it, exactly.

They take one bite and go, "Eugh, that's not what I wanted at all!

-What does HE eat?

-Good point. I think he eats leaves.

-So he looks like his own lunch?

-Yes!

-LAUGHTER

-That would disturb me, if I...

-That's what you call being hoisted by your own petard, that is.

-Definitely.

If I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked like some delicious mashed potato...

-In a way, I do.

-LAUGHTER

It's not... Doesn't do my self-esteem any good.

-You think he ever looks at his wife and goes, "Oh, she looks amazing."

-"Tasty! Very tasty!"

-"I'm ravenous."

-It's Phylliidae, called walking leaves, leaf insects, many other things.

They are found in southeast Asia and Australia.

But we have also the satanic leaf-tailed gecko,

which looks like an autumnal leaf.

-SHE GASPS

-That is extraordinary!

Because it's in the dry deciduous forests of Madagascar. And there...

-It curls up like a curled up leaf.

-That's amazing.

-But can he only come out in autumn?

-Well, it's an interesting point.

I've been to the deciduous forests of Madagascar.

It was in the summer, and there was so much dead litter on the ground.

-It's dry, they are dry forests.

-Yeah.

-So I think he's probably...

All year round, it's kind of OK to be on this, kind of, stuff...

There he is. Amazing, really.

-Either that, or living in the '70s, he'd be fine.

-Yeah, he would.

Or, they don't exist and someone has drawn eyes on a leaf.

LAUGHTER It's worth considering that.

Now, rather astonishingly,

there's a plant that is a master of disguise.

-See if you can spot which plant.

-Looks like a badger!

LAUGHTER

I would say, if it's trying to not look like a plant, it's failed.

LAUGHTER

Does it look like another planet? Is that what it's doing?

That's it. One of those leaves is actually a totally different species

and it has made itself look like that species.

There it is, the arrow's pointing at it.

It's only recently been discovered that it's a totally different species.

I think the point is, it tries to look like a leaf

that isn't very digestible or pleasant.

Because it itself is,

and so it has learnt how to look like something that is not tasty.

Why didn't it learn not to be tasty?

LAUGHTER

Well, the deliciousness is a given, but...

Evolution...

Give living things millions of years

and they will just go through strange processes.

Did chocolate sauce evolve to look like diarrhoea?

LAUGHTER

-So that people wouldn't eat it?!

-Yeah. "It might be diarrhoea...

"This seems like quite a nice restaurant,

"I doubt it is diarrhoea, but... let me give it a sniff first."

That's why God gave us noses. I think!

Leaves aren't always what they seem.

Now, a question about larceny.

Where did the 40 shoplifting Elephants hide their loot?

LAUGHTER

-In a cave?

-Mmm...

-Like Ali Baba's thieves?

-Ali Baba's 40 thieves.

In their trunks.

-ALARM BLARES

-Oh, dear, oh, dear!

Totally worth it, David. Totally worth it!

Somebody had to fall on their sword and that was very noble.

No, the Elephants existed from the 1700s all the way to the 1950s.

And they took their name from an area of London that has

-the word Elephant in it, which would be...

-Elephant and Castle.

Elephant and Castle, that's right.

-Is this a pickpocket gang?

-Not pickpocket.

They were a gang of shoplifters, and they had special clothing made

and special muffs and special false hands and all kinds of things,

and they would sometimes attack all types of shops at the same time,

and then have huge, lavish parties to celebrate.

-Tinfoil in your coats.

-Yeah, or any number of clever little tactics.

It means when you got out, it doesn't go "bleep-bleep".

-Yeah.

-That's... Don't tell the ladies and gentlemen...!

LAUGHTER

-I only tell them how they get caught.

-Aha!

A friend of mine wrote an article about a current group

of really serious shoplifters called The Oysters.

And he called them up and said, "Why are you called The Oysters?

"Is it something to do with, you know, because you clamp things shut...?"

"Well, because we 'oist stuff, isn't it?"

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

He had to go through and change the spelling, do a global search

and replace to "Hoister".

-But these were The Hoisters.

-The Hoister cult.

-Yeah, The Hoisters.

We know other things about real elephants who are criminals.

In 2013, not that long ago,

the second-tallest elephant in India was arrested for murder.

-Which is rather unfair.

-Did it run amok? That's what they do, isn't it?

They always run amok, that is the phrase.

There was an elephant that was hung. Is that one you're talking about, the elephant that was hung?

I think they're all pretty well hung! LAUGHTER

Yeah, yeah, there was one that was hanged, absolutely right.

-We've covered this.

-I heard about some criminals... It was a smuggler.

Do you know the story? It's a famous story.

From Pakistan to Afghanistan, there was a famous smuggler

-who used to smuggle things across the border.

-Right.

He was known as a brilliant smuggler.

And they used to stop him at border control

and they would check these elephants, like, "What have you got here?"

Go through all the bags, and they could never find the contraband.

And eventually, he was like... He was retiring.

They said, "You've got to tell us..." One of the guys bumped into him.

"What were you smuggling all those years?" He went, "Elephants."

There's something about that that's entirely beautiful.

So, the Forty Elephants were lady shoplifters,

with lots of loot in their muffs.

Who has the world's largest love handles

and what do they use them for?

Eric Pickles.

-ALARM BLARES

-Oh, dear!

You're joking! You are joking!

You see.

# Lola... #

Oh, I'd forgotten about that.

Blue whale?

Not the blue whale.

Sorry, so it's not the blue whale, but I'm close?

-You are.

-A barnacle.

Stay with setaceous creatures. Stay with a mammal.

-So, it's a type of whale?

-A mammal that lives in the sea.

It's a whale. And it begins with a B.

Blue whale.

Have another look, Stephen, because I'm pretty sure I got it right.

There are other kinds of whale that begin with a B.

Bum whale, bull whale...

-Well, there's the bowhead.

-RONNI:

-Bull whale. Big whale.

What's the famous and expensive kind of caviar?

-Beluga.

-RONNI:

-Oh, beluga whale!

Beluga whale, yes.

There one is.

Look at it, that one's going, "Hello!"

It's lying on its side.

"Hello!

"Hello!

"I'm a beluga whale, you know.

"Ayoo!

"This is all I can do!"

He's very chirpy. They have no dorsal fin and amazingly...

"I haven't got a dorsal fin, you know!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Whoo-hoo-hoo-hooo!

"I don't feel the cold! I don't feel it."

They don't, because of their blubber.

It's all in the blubber.

They have midriff blubber, which they can control...

"Feel my love handles, baby! Hello!"

They control their love handles with special muscles,

so that's how they move around and that's how they...you know.

-That's how I roll.

-That's how they roll!

Exactly. Exactly right.

They move up and down with their love handles.

And they're hunted by the local Inupiat people in the Arctic.

"I hate them!"

You've got a career in animation ahead of you.

It's like Richard Attenborough's programmes

being revoiced by South Park.

LAUGHTER

There is no show that wouldn't be improved

by being revoiced by South Park.

It's true.

And their fat is called muktuk.

and is highly prized by the Inuits, and the Inupiat,

because it's high in vitamin C, surprisingly.

Oh, look at that. Double chips with that.

Mmm. There's one in Baltimore.

Yeah, the beluga whale. Full of love handles.

I've just spotted that guy pointing at it in the front there.

"Look at that. In case you haven't spotted it.

"Look, there's a whale."

The other guy's pointing, as well.

"Where? There!"

-"I've spotted him. There he is."

-"Where is it? There!"

"What do you mean you can't see? He's there!"

-"Oh, there? Oh!"

-He's there.

And the other guy there, he's there.

"I'm sorry, I don't recognise anything that's not wearing a hat."

Anyway, the beluga whales steady themselves

with the world's largest love handles.

"All that we caught, we left behind,

"and carry away all that we did not catch."

What am I talking about?

Venereal disease.

LAUGHTER

Somewhere along the line, I'm sure.

What I'd already caught, I left behind,

by giving it to other people.

-Yeah.

-By breathing it out?

Well, it is a riddle.

It was a riddle given to a man of mythic status,

so much so, we don't even know if he existed,

and yet his name is incredibly famous and there are statues of him,

even though we don't know that he existed.

-King Arthur?

-No, older than that. An oracle.

The most famous of the oracles in the Western Canon of Delphi

told him that he would die on the island of Ios

and that he should beware the riddles of young children.

And this man went round the Greek islands as a minstrel,

because that's what he did -

he sang poems to a lyre.

So, they were lyric, but they're known as epic, in fact.

And the great epic poems of Greek civilisation, the two are...?

-Homer.

-Homer.

-Homer. And it's Homer we're thinking of.

Homer, supposedly, in this story,

went to Ios where he encountered a group of fisher boys.

He went to Ios? But the guy just said don't go!

I know, but this always happens in Greek myths

when to do with the Delphi. I mean, think of Oedipus and...

-RONNI:

-They don't listen.

Well, sometimes, the Oracle is quite enigmatic and difficult.

-Yes.

-But if he said, "Don't go to Ios..."

-That's really straightforward.

-..and he goes, you know...

Anyway, Homer went to Ios and he encountered a group of fisher boys.

He asked them what they'd caught and they gave him this riddle.

And I'll repeat it again. "All that we caught, we left behind,

"and carry away all that we did not catch."

And he suddenly remembered, Homer,

"Oh, my God, I shouldn't have asked riddles AND I'm on Ios."

And maybe that's the thing about being cursed or having a prophecy,

that you stop concentrating. He slipped, cracked his head, died.

Should've gone to Argos.

LAUGHTER

-Absolutely right.

-You can get everything there.

Argos was Jason's ship, of course, wasn't it? Hence the Argonauts.

-Yes. Yes.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

In fact, Argos, the chain,

call their staff Argonauts to this day.

-Oh, do they?

-No.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, wow!

-I'm going to give you two riddles from the Essex Book...

-By the way, what's the solution...?

-I haven't given you the solution, what am I thinking?!

-Yeah!

-The solution is lice.

Lice, you see.

-You catch the lice in your hair, you leave them behind.

-Yes?

And you carry away those you don't catch,

-because they're stuck in your hair.

-The nits?

-Yeah, the nits. Exactly.

-Those are the worst fishermen ever.

Yeah, I know.

But I've got the Essex Book, one of the great Anglo-Saxon books.

-I've got an Essex riddle.

-It is filled with riddles.

-No, Exeter, sorry.

-Oh, sorry.

-Go on with your riddle. We know you want to say it.

How do you turn the lights on after sex?

-Open the car door.

-Oh! Very good!

So, moving way west, way west, all the way to Devon, we're in Exeter.

One of the great works of Anglo-Saxon literature,

the Exeter Book, written in the 10th century,

contains more than 90 riddles, most of which are rather rude.

Here's one. "My stem is erect.

"I stand up over the bed, hairy somewhere down below.

"A peasant's daughter lays her hand on me, seizes me,

"red, plunders my head, confines me in a stronghold.

"Wet be that eye."

What is being referred to?

-Shagging.

-My junk!

Surely, it's shagging.

That's the point, it's a riddle.

It makes you think that it's full of double entendres.

-Obviously made to sound like a penis.

-Is it a plant or something?

It is a plant. But, "Wet be that eye." What plant wets your eye?

And is hairy down below...when you pull it out of the ground?

-Like a novelty flower...

-Audience?

AUDIENCE: Onions!

You must feel ashamed of yourselves!

-LAUGHTER

-Another one.

"A curiosity hangs by the thigh of a man under its master's cloak.

"It is pierced through in the front,

"it is stiff and hard, and when the man pulls up

"his own robe above his knee,

"he means to poke with the head of his hanging thing

"that familiar hole of matching length which he has often

"filled before."

Just kiss me, Stephen.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All this messing around!

-Sounds like shagging again.

-It does, yeah!

"It hangs by his thigh"?

-RONNI:

-Is it a hilt, the hilt of a sword?

-Keys in a hole?

-Keys is the right answer. It is a key.

"A curiosity hangs by the thigh of a man."

They hang that by their belt. "Under its master's cloak."

It's pierced through in the front, as it is a pierced piece of iron.

"It is stiff and hard." No question about that.

"When the man pulls up his own robe above his knee,

"he means to poke with the head of his hanging thing that

"familiar hole of matching length," which is the keyhole.

Which he's often filled before.

Because he has unlocked the door before. And it is a key.

-Quite clever.

-Had a lot of time on their hands, didn't they?

They did! Absolutely right.

"The job for today,

"let's find an incredibly rude way of referring to a key."

LAUGHTER

And they were presumably religious figures,

because they were reading and writing in the 10th century. So, there you are.

Now for the riddle of the sphincter that we call general ignorance.

Fingers on mushroomoids, please.

How many Spartans died at the Battle of Thermopylae?

Oh!

# Lola... #

It's going to be 300.

ALARM BLARES

Well...

I saw a documentary about this

and I'm pretty sure it's definitely 300.

The film is called 300.

Is there not a thing that one...

because there weren't just Spartans there.

-Sparta!

-There were...

That is how it's pronounced.

There weren't just "Spartans!" there.

There were other... But I think one of the Spartans...

The Spartans sound nasty.

There was a narrow coastal pass that was defended just by Spartans,

300 of them, plus their king -

-played by Gerard Butler - who was...

-Spartan!

-..called?

-The 301st?

His name was? He was the 301st.

-Leoni...

-AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS OUT

-Leonidas, if you prefer.

-Leonidas?

He's now got a chain of chocolate shops, hasn't he?

I was brought up to call him Leon-idas,

but Leonidas seems to be the way now.

I don't know, who knows? But Leon-idas or Leonidas, thank you.

He defended a narrow coastal pass, and so there were 301.

Only 299 Spartans died, though, so it leaves two who didn't.

Leonidas did. Two survived because they never took part.

Mike and Bernie Winters.

A lot of nudity going on, which was a very Spartan thing.

The couple by the tree seem very fond of each other -

one's grasping the nipple of the other.

LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah.

Their swords casually laid against the...

To go to so much effort and not put your pants on.

-I know.

-LAUGHTER

Isn't there something about one of the ones,

that they were ashamed, the two that didn't die?

They were desperately ashamed.

One called, rather wonderfully, "Pantitties"...

LAUGHTER

-It's a bit like the...

-Do you mean Pantites?

There was an MP who was introduced to Churchill, his name was Bossom,

and Churchill said, "Neither one thing nor the other."

But anyway, "Pantitties", or "Pant-titties"

or whatever he was, Pantites,

went off to deliver a diplomatic message, apparently, at the embassy,

but he hanged himself from shame when he got back

and saw that he was the only survivor.

But he wasn't the only survivor.

Eurytus couldn't fight because of an eye infection.

The Spartans have taken all the credit

for winning the battle of Thermopylae,

but it was a combined effort with the Athenians,

who were their allies at the time.

Herodotus, known as the Father of History,

and was born four years after the battle,

is the closest contemporary source.

He estimated the Greeks numbered about 5,000.

He was born four years after it had happened

and he's the best we can do?

He's the closest. I'm afraid so. No-one else wrote...

-That's better than a lot of ancient history.

-It is.

-The Father of History, what's he called?

-Herodotus.

Herodotus. It must have been a lot easier when he was around.

-I'm not having a go at him.

-No, it's a fair point.

But less things had happened back then.

-Fewer things...

-Yes.

-..I think you mean.

LAUGHTER

Some of the audience had you there.

Common usage, play the common usage card.

It's so like being back at school, it's unbelievable.

Apparently, you can say less if you want to now. Apparently, you can.

You can just say what you like, these days.

Apparently, that's the new thing.

Apparently, you're not allowed to scream "Idiot!" at people.

LAUGHTER

What is the point in getting an education at all?!

I know how to use the apostrophe. Apparently, now it doesn't matter!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What I want, I want the time it took me to learn that back!

You need to be less bothered about this, or fewer bothered.

LAUGHTER

You need to be fewer bothered about this kind of thing.

Just let it go. Be fewer upset.

Now, what type of birds did the Birdman keep

in his cell in Alcatraz?

Is it, is it a canary?

-ALARM BLARES

-A canary? Or canaries.

I can't believe I got a buzzer again.

I might be close, because last time I said 300, it was 299.

Yeah, you were one off.

Did he keep them in the cell or did they come to the window?

I can't remember the film. Burt Lancaster, wasn't it?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER CALLS OUT:

-It wasn't allowed!

It wasn't allowed is the right... Well done, audience. Very good.

APPLAUSE

You weren't allowed birds in your cell, were you?

He was in his previous prison,

which is why he was called the Birdman.

He ended up in Alcatraz,

which is why, I suppose, he was called the Birdman of Alcatraz.

He was an amazing expert on canaries,

so that was his bird of choice.

-And sparrows.

-But I said that.

I know. But he didn't keep them in Alcatraz.

299, I was one away! Canaries, I said canaries.

-What do you want from me?

-Do you know his name?

Robert Franklin Stroud.

He was moved to the Great Rock, as they call it,

from which no-one escapes, according to Patrick McGoohan.

-"Welcome to the Rock."

-Yes.

-I think Sean Connery got out, yeah.

"Welcome to the Rock."

"WELCOME TO THE ROCK!"

One more time, we'll go again. "Welcome to the Rock."

Thank you. So kind.

We can have a look at Alcatraz, that's the inside.

-You can do a tour of it.

-I've done a tour of it.

-Have you?

-RONNI:

-You've been?

It's great, I liked it a lot.

But they used to put people in the cells...

All the cell doors, they can open them from one end, and they slide,

-because they don't have doors that open.

-Yes. That's right.

They used to put prisoners in them...tourists, I mean, in them.

And then, one day, they couldn't get them out.

So they had some tourists in there for ten hours.

And lots of other tourists coming past.

LAUGHTER

Who were all, suddenly, on much better behaviour.

LAUGHTER

They didn't buy anything from the gift shop.

LAUGHTER

You can see it very clearly from San Francisco.

It looks so near, and it was quite easy to escape from your jail

and swim, but nobody survived the swim,

even though it seems quite a short distance.

Because the currents are so strong, you get swept away.

And Alcatraz, of course, is a word of what origin, would you imagine?

Mexico.

Well, Spanish, the language. Yes, indeed.

And a lot of the Spanish words come from?

Spain.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I can't fault you. I can't fault you.

It begins with Al. So, like Alhambra and...

-Oh, the Moors.

-The Moors. It's an Arabic word. From Arabic.

And, oddly enough, in Spanish, Alcatraz means "gannets", sea birds,

but it used to mean "pelicans".

So when they've called the rock Alcatraz,

they were calling it after the pelicans.

But the actual Arabic words mean something completely different -

"the sea eagle".

So, it's a strange thing.

Alcatraz was "the sea eagle", then it was used to mean the pelican

by the Spanish, then they changed it to mean the gannet.

So, confusing, but that was how it changed its meaning.

You were allowed hot showers in Alcatraz, but not cold ones.

Why would that be?

-Hot showers, but not cold ones...

-I don't know, cos... I don't know.

It's so that you wouldn't be acclimatised to the cold water.

-Acclimatised to the cold water!

-Yes!

LAUGHTER

But if you are going to be that determined, you wouldn't just

dip your foot in and go, "Ooh, bit nippy, I think I'll got back in. That was a mistake."

Have they not done it now...?

You get these Ironmen that do these swims. Someone must've done it.

But some of the prisoners who did escape were never found, so...

It was assumed, I think, to keep the reputation.

-Assumed dead, but they may have escaped.

-Yeah.

It probably suited everyone.

Yeah, because they didn't want the myth of Alcatraz to die.

Who was the first person to put stuff

between two slices of bread and eat it?

# Lay, lady, lay... #

Lord Sandwich.

ALARM BLARES

Oh, what a shame. What a pity. You were doing so well.

I knew that.

The Earl of Sandwich certainly gave his NAME to what we call

the sarnie or the sandwich or the butty,

and all kinds of words for it, but...

Was it the Earl of Butty?

LAUGHTER

We know that mankind has been making bread for 30,000 years,

and it seems inconceivable that no human being decided

to put something between two of those.

So, we're just assuming it must have been ages ago.

Someone must have done it ages ago.

Well, yes, we do know for a fact that 1,200 years ago,

there was a Hillel the Elder, a rabbi, in the first century BC -

the first person known to have made and eaten a sandwich.

He started the Passover custom of putting a mixture

of chopped nuts, apples, spices and wine between two flat breads.

That's a Peshwari naan.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, I love a Peshwari naan.

-Oh, now you've said Peshwari...

Oh, I'd have one right now, wouldn't you?

-ALAN AND JIMMY:

-O-o-oh!

Just mopping up the end... Ohh!

Just out of the bag, when it comes.

Don't, it's so good.

With all the almonds and the coconut in it. O-o-oh!

We've put in a good shift. Shall we...?

I'm drooling, stop it.

I prefer a plain naan.

Oh, what's the matter with you?!

LAUGHTER

Have you got a badge for that?

There's always one, isn't there? At every party.

Plain naan?!

So, we'll have five Peshwari naans and one for him.

-RONNI:

-And one plain.

So, anyway, John Montagu was the 4th Earl of Sandwich,

certainly gave his name to it in our culture, as it were, in our...

-He's on Gogglebox now, the Earl of Sandwich.

-Is he?

LAUGHTER

Oh, why do I fall for these?!

APPLAUSE

I fall for everything.

The idea was that he just called for it because he was very busy.

Most people think gambling, because he was an inveterate gambler,

though his biography says,

actually, he was very busy with his ministerial work.

He was Postmaster General, he was First Lord of the Admiralty.

Before that, he was...

Never mind all that. When he got together with Mr Branston...

-It was magic.

-NEW YORK ACCENT:

-It was moy-der.

When they got together, it was moy-der.

So anyway, that's the last of the questions.

Let's see who's victor ludorum.

Oh, my actual God.

I'm sorry to say, in last place, with -29,

is the girl of many faces and voices, Ronni Ancona.

Stop that. Can't be!

APPLAUSE

-29!

And in third place, with -11, is Jimmy Carr.

APPLAUSE

Perfectly acceptable. -11 is fine. Fine.

In second place, with -7, it's David Mitchell.

APPLAUSE

Can I be uttering these words? With a plus score...

three points,

Alan Davies!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that is all from Ronni, Jimmy, David, Alan and me.

And I leave you with the last words of Nancy, Lady Astor.

Waking up to find her bed surrounded by her entire family

as she was dying, she said, "Am I dying?

"Or is it my birthday?" Good night.

APPLAUSE