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This programme contains some strong language. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:00:23 | 0:00:25 | |
Good evening, good evening, | 0:00:30 | 0:00:32 | |
good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, | 0:00:32 | 0:00:35 | |
the panel show where fortune favours the brains. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:39 | |
Tonight's show is all about Luck and Loss, | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
so without further ado, let's meet our Lucky Losers. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
The fortunate Sandi Toksvig. | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:46 | 0:00:48 | |
The fortuitous Danny Baker. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
Thank you. APPLAUSE | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
The jammy Jeremy Clarkson. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:57 | 0:01:00 | |
And Mr Jinx, the Jonah, Alan Davies. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
Now, I'm afraid your buzzers are a bit of a lottery, so Sandi goes... | 0:01:10 | 0:01:14 | |
DRUM ROLL 'Release the balls.' | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
Danny goes... | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
'No more bets, please.' | 0:01:19 | 0:01:21 | |
-That sounded like you, didn't it? -How nice. -Yeah. Jeremy goes... | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
FRUIT MACHINE DISPENSES COINS | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
Literally no idea what that was. | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
-I think it was a jackpot. -Ah. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
Now, Alan goes... | 0:01:33 | 0:01:36 | |
BECK: # I'm a loser, baby So why don't you kill me? # | 0:01:36 | 0:01:41 | |
Now, seeing as being as this is the Lucky Losers show, | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
whoever gets the lowest score wins. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:48 | |
Well done, Alan! | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
Well done already, congratulations. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
So, what you have to do, obviously, | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
is try and collect as many Klaxons as you can. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
And that's going to be interesting, we hope. Quite Interesting. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:02 | |
Fingers on the buzzers, here's your first chance. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
What is the oldest you can be on a Club 18-30 holiday? | 0:02:05 | 0:02:09 | |
-Danny? -30. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
Very well done. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:12 | |
You see, you've got the idea, there's the Klaxon. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
But anyone like to have a go at the right answer? | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
What do you imagine is in fact the right answer? | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
We won't punish you for that. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:21 | |
Surely there's some leeway? Those ladies look a little over 30. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:25 | |
Is it sort of mid-20s? | 0:02:25 | 0:02:26 | |
Are they actually... Is it the other way? | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
No, it is a little bit older than 30. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:31 | |
35. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:32 | |
-173. -173, that's a very good number. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
Is it 31? | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
No, it's 36, rather bizarrely. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:39 | |
Well, the oldest you can leave the country with a Club 18-30 ticket | 0:02:39 | 0:02:44 | |
is 35, but you might have your birthday while on the holiday. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:48 | |
Is there not a degree of sadness in your life | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
if you decide to spend your 36th birthday on a 18-30 holiday? | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
Has that woman on the left just turned 36? | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
"I'm so sorry, I've got to go now." | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
Yeah, there you go. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:07 | |
In theory you could celebrate your 36th birthday on a Club 18-30 holiday. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:11 | |
So, what is the youngest you can be to go on an... | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
18. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:17 | |
Ooh, he gets those Klaxons, doesn't he? | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
I like to win. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
Have another go. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
-Well, clearly they are keen on that margin of error. -Yeah. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
There's clearly some margin of error, | 0:03:27 | 0:03:28 | |
so it can't surely be the same margin, it can't be six years. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:31 | |
No, it wouldn't be six, that would be awful. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:34 | |
12-36. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
It's the perfect match. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:39 | |
I'm on the phone to Operation Yewtree as we speak. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:42 | |
-No. -It can't be much more. 16 or 17. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
17 is the right answer, yes. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:47 | |
I'm winning now, so therefore I'm losing. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:50 | |
DANNY: Yeah. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
Do you remember they had rather dodgy slogans...? | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
Do you remember any of them? | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
-"You will get fucked." -Yeah. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:59 | 0:04:00 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
"Would you like to catch chlamydia?" | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
"Both carnally and financially." | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
Well, no, it wasn't quite as on the nose as that. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:18 | |
-It was... -"Herpes." | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
.."Beaver Espana". | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
-GROANING -Oh, God... -I know. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
"It's not all sex, sex, sex - there's some sun and sea as well." | 0:04:25 | 0:04:29 | |
-Oh, dear. -DANNY: I know. -Really puts you off, doesn't it? | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
Chlamydia I think is a very good... | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
There's no symptoms, when you have chlamydia. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
So if somebody says, "How are you?" and you say, "I'm very well," | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
that means you almost certainly have it. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
-It's the perfect disease. -It is. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
So I never know how anyone goes to the doctor's with it, it would be quite interesting... | 0:04:46 | 0:04:50 | |
-So there are no warts, there's no weeping... -No green discharge. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
-GROANING AND LAUGHTER -One has to be frank about these things. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:57 | |
"Absolutely fine" - go to the doctor's, you'll have chlamydia. | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
It's baffling. And koalas all have it. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
-Do they? -Yeah, all got chlamydia. -How do you know that? | 0:05:01 | 0:05:04 | |
Does that come up in general conversation? "Koalas have all got chlamydia." | 0:05:04 | 0:05:09 | |
Huge problem in Australia. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:11 | |
I thought maybe it was an add-on to an 18-30 Australian holiday. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:15 | |
"If you didn't get lucky, there's always the koalas." | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
Brilliant. Thank you so much. Fantastic. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:23 | |
Well, according to the official rules on their website, | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
a 17-year-old CAN go to a, as it turns out rather misnamed, | 0:05:26 | 0:05:30 | |
Club 18-30 holiday. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
Now, a question especially for Alan to lose points with | 0:05:32 | 0:05:34 | |
in this Lucky Losers show. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
Which mammal has the most cells in its body? | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
Blue whale. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:40 | |
FANFARE | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
I'm afraid... | 0:05:44 | 0:05:45 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
..it does! | 0:05:48 | 0:05:50 | |
And you get a lot of points for that. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
It's the blue whale bonus and you get points, and what do points mean? | 0:05:55 | 0:05:59 | |
Prizes. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
-Bad surprises. Yeah. -Bad what? | 0:06:01 | 0:06:04 | |
No, it does indeed have the most cells, cos it's the largest animal. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
And the larger the animal, the more the cells. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:09 | |
But you can claw your way back if you could tell me | 0:06:09 | 0:06:12 | |
to the nearest trillion how many cells a human being has. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
-It's a certain trillion. -Two. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:22 | |
Ah, it's a bit more than that. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:23 | |
-It's 30 trillion. -Is it? | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
-Yeah. -What if you were a fat blue whale? Then you'd have more. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
Well, no, that's a human I'm talking about. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
-The blue whale would be 2,000 times more cells. -Oh! | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
So you would think, because it has more cells, | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
that blue whales would have more cancers, | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
or at least have a greater number of them, | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
because it has so many more cells. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
And in fact it has fewer than we do, and nobody knows why. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:46 | |
Well, it doesn't smoke. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:47 | |
That's an obvious reason. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:50 | |
There is that. But it's known as Peto's Paradox. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:53 | |
Do they die of cancer, whales? | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
All mammals can get it. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
People who've had cats and dogs will know, it's a very sad thing, | 0:06:57 | 0:07:00 | |
-but all animals get cancers, yeah. -Oh. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
So, five minus points available | 0:07:02 | 0:07:04 | |
if you can tell me what species of whale that is there. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
-Blue. -It's not a blue, actually. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:09 | |
We should have offered you a blue, | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
-but in fact that is a... -Is it a sperm? | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
-No, sperm are the ones with the big, big... -Hump. -It's a humpback. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:17 | |
Oh, sperm's got the big head that fills with stuff. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
With spermaceti. With a milky substance in its head, | 0:07:19 | 0:07:23 | |
which to this day we don't know what it uses it for, | 0:07:23 | 0:07:27 | |
the general theory is it's something to do with the huge depths | 0:07:27 | 0:07:30 | |
it goes down to. And it was used by Nasa, | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
because it kept its viscosity in minus 400 degrees. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:35 | |
Incredibly cold temperatures, it was the same viscosity. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
But it was basically the whole of the Industrial Revolution ran on whale oil, | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
and if it weren't for John D Rockefeller cracking crude oil | 0:07:41 | 0:07:45 | |
into petroleum and various other forms like paraffin and so on, | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
the whales would have unquestionably been extinct. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:52 | |
-So petrol saved the whale. -It did! | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
As I've been saying for many years... LAUGHTER | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
It's very... Yes, it's one of the great ironies of history. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:08:00 | 0:08:01 | |
-Knew it! -It's true. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
I thought that would please you, somehow. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:06 | |
I'm enormously pleased. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:08 | |
You'd rather be a petrolhead than a spermhead. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
-As it is... -LAUGHTER | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
I'd take all the compliments you can get, Jeremy. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
Now, before we continue, I should let you know that, | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
as this is the L series, | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
one of the questions coming up will have a lavatorial theme. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:28 | |
The answer will be wholly lavatorial. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
CASH REGISTER RINGS, TOILET FLUSHES | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
And if it is, you can ask if you can spend your penny, right? | 0:08:32 | 0:08:36 | |
-So if there's a lavatory question, I bring that out? -Yeah. -Right. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:39 | |
And you get extra points. That's right. So, anyway, moving on. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
Which good cause benefited from Britain's first lottery? | 0:08:42 | 0:08:46 | |
FRUIT MACHINE DISPENSES COINS Dale Winton. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
Dale Winton's tanning salon. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
-I'm sure it did very well. -There you go. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:54 | |
But it wasn't Britain's first lottery. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:57 | |
-Is it the Bank of England? -No - that's a very good point. | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
That was almost like a lottery, shares were issued to raise money. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:03 | |
-For the army, wasn't it? -Yeah. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:04 | |
It was virtually like a lottery. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
-But this one was similarly to raise money for... -Building? | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
For a military venture, or at least for a military, perhaps for defence, originally. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:12 | |
-Was it Drake? -Yes, it was indeed in 1567... | 0:09:12 | 0:09:16 | |
-It was Drake. -Yeah, it was... -The Armada. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
What's that doing in my head? Why is that in my head? | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
I'm very impressed. It was Queen Elizabeth and her navy, | 0:09:21 | 0:09:24 | |
and indeed Drake was one of her leading figures. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:26 | |
-There she is. -That was a random guess. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:28 | |
She realised that, should King Philip of Spain send a fleet, | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
-which in Spanish is...? -Armada? -Armada, yes. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
I'm genuinely still reeling from the fact that's in my head. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
It's really great when that happens, isn't it? | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
No, it's odd. Makes me feel weird. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:42 | |
And so she thought, to raise money, she'd try and get | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
those who could afford it to buy lottery tickets | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
and the prize would be enormous. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
And the money raised would be enormous. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
Now, what do you think the average wage was per year? | 0:09:52 | 0:09:55 | |
-It can't have been much, can it? -No, it wasn't much. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
-The average annual income in 1600 was about £9. -Oh. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:02 | |
So tickets were 50 pence, we'd call it now - ten shillings each. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
-That's a lot. -Which is about three week's wages. -Yeah. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:07 | |
So only the rich would be able to. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
Only the rich would be able to. The prize on there was £5,000. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:12 | |
£5,000 then, which is millions today. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
-You could buy America. -You could buy a huge estate. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
Plus, it was paid partly in cash, but also in gold and silver | 0:10:16 | 0:10:20 | |
and fine tapestry and fabrics, and something really extraordinary | 0:10:20 | 0:10:24 | |
to encourage sales. And this later cropped up in one of the most | 0:10:24 | 0:10:28 | |
popular games in our culture, as something that you could tuck away | 0:10:28 | 0:10:32 | |
under the board of the game, for future use. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:33 | |
Monopoly, a "get out of jail free" card. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:36 | |
You got a "get out of jail free" card. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
For anything except murder, serious felonies, treason... | 0:10:38 | 0:10:42 | |
And parking. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:43 | |
-LAUGHTER -Yeah. Parking your horse, obviously that was not allowed. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:47 | |
Or piracy, that was one thing. But everything else was. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:51 | |
Very good, wasn't it? | 0:10:51 | 0:10:52 | |
-That would sell tickets now, wouldn't it? -Brilliant idea. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
-I learnt about the Mary Rose. Do you want to know about the Mary Rose? -Tell me. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:58 | |
The Mary Rose sank because they didn't close | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
-the cannon portholes. -Oh, my goodness! | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
They let off a broadside, and it tipped back | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
-and the water all went in. -Every... -500 men on board. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:09 | |
And they drowned because they'd put the netting across the deck | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
to prevent people boarding the boat | 0:11:12 | 0:11:13 | |
-and they were unable to get off. -They couldn't get out. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
And I have to say, the Mary Rose Museum in Portsmouth is | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
one of the single best museums I've ever been, it's only just opened. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:22 | |
And there was some controversy about it | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
because they were able to resurrect skeletons | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
and using forensic artists show us pictures of what they actually | 0:11:26 | 0:11:30 | |
looked like - you can stand and look the cook in the face... | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
It is the most astonishing thing. And see all his things. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
And what I love is that even though they were going to war | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
and they were fighting and so on, they had violins | 0:11:38 | 0:11:40 | |
and they had chessboards and dice and they wanted to play games. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:44 | |
I love the fact that they must have been having a laugh | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
and enjoying themselves, apart from it was such a tragic end. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
But it's the most amazing time capsule of that period, | 0:11:50 | 0:11:54 | |
because the ship sank with everything there. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:56 | |
-It is an amazing thing. -Well, I'm going to go. | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
Well worth a visit, I think. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
Exactly, let's go to Portsmouth. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:04 | |
Very good, thank you so much. Brilliant. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:07 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:12:07 | 0:12:08 | |
So, the good cause in the first national lottery | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
was beating up the Spanish. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
What do newsagents sell that makes people suddenly want to vote Tory? | 0:12:12 | 0:12:16 | |
Is it going to be the Daily Mail? | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
KLAXON | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
Makes me want to vote Communist, but there you go. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
Will you get one for the Daily Telegraph as well? | 0:12:31 | 0:12:33 | |
-You probably might... -KLAXON | 0:12:33 | 0:12:37 | |
He's clawing his way back to victory. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:39 | |
No, this is a very odd thing - well, newsagents sell them. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:44 | |
What about The Sun? | 0:12:44 | 0:12:46 | |
KLAXON | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
You're on fire! | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
This is not a newspaper, I will now say, but it's something newsagents sell. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:54 | |
They sell something that makes you want to vote Conservative? | 0:12:54 | 0:12:56 | |
Well, it does if things turn out well | 0:12:56 | 0:12:58 | |
after you've bought this particular item. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:00 | |
-OK. -So we're really back to the last question. -Is it a lottery ticket? | 0:13:00 | 0:13:04 | |
It's a lottery ticket. If you win the lottery, | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
many Labour voters who've won the lottery | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
said that they had changed their mind and were now Tory voters. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:12 | |
-So... -What a depressing comment on humanity that is. -It is a bit. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:17 | |
Perhaps even more depressing is that the American therapists | 0:13:17 | 0:13:20 | |
have a name for the syndrome, which is Sudden Wealth Syndrome, | 0:13:20 | 0:13:25 | |
which is presumably what they suffer from whenever they name a syndrome, | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
if they make money by deciding you have a syndrome. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:31 | |
But that's a really boring name for it, though. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
You'd think so. But these are the same people who said | 0:13:33 | 0:13:36 | |
if you lose someone you love, they die, and you are still... | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
ALAN SNEEZES SPECTACULARLY | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
-DANNY: Whoa! -Wow! | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
-Wow, that was huge! -That was so impressive. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:46 | |
-JEREMY: Alan's exploded. -That was enormous. -The day had to happen. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:50 | |
-That was an explosion. -That was extraordinary. -Are you all right? | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
There are people in California now | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
looking at their seismographs, going, "Jesus Christ!" | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
- DANNY: What a thing! - JEREMY: "What was that?" | 0:13:58 | 0:14:02 | |
Is that because I said the word "die?" Will you do it again? | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
So sorry for interrupting you. | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
It's fine, it's just it was a revolting thing about psychologists | 0:14:07 | 0:14:11 | |
who have said if someone you love dies and you're still inconsolable with grief six months later, | 0:14:11 | 0:14:15 | |
that is a mental condition, it's not healthy. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
And what's that called? Six Months Later Dead Person Syndrome? | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
It's called grieving. It is perfectly reasonable, in fact, yeah. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:24 | |
A syndrome I read of - you know when you come out of the pictures and you sneeze, | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
-when you go from a dark thing or look at the sun? -Yes. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
It's got a real fancy name now. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
I've never sneezed when walking from the dark. Is that normal, am I...? | 0:14:32 | 0:14:36 | |
It's because you don't suffer from it. Don't mock people who do. LAUGHTER | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
Presumably you don't go to matinees. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
-You go to evening performances. -Yeah. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
So he comes out and it's dark. But it's from the dark into the light. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
Yeah, it's a syndrome. It's a real syndrome. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:49 | |
We've got the name in front of me, | 0:14:49 | 0:14:51 | |
my Elves have been busily hacking away. It's called | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
Autosomal Dominant Compelling Helio-Ophthalmic Outburst. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:57 | |
There you go. Look at that. | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
-JEREMY: I want to have him round for dinner. -So, there we are. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:02 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:15:02 | 0:15:03 | |
For short, it's called ACHOO Syndrome. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
We're still with lotteries. This is more astonishing. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
I mean, what a coincidence. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
In 2001, guess who won the Zimbabwe Banking Corporation's jackpot? | 0:15:15 | 0:15:19 | |
No! Mugabe. | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
It was Robert Mugabe! | 0:15:21 | 0:15:22 | |
What are the odds against that? I mean... | 0:15:23 | 0:15:27 | |
-Wow, lucky man. -Yeah. Lucky, lucky, lucky. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:29 | |
Anyway, less fortunate was Clarence "Inaction" Jackson. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:32 | |
The name tells it all. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
He won, in 1995, 5.8 million on the Connecticut lottery. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:39 | |
-Didn't get it? -Failed to turn up. -Didn't pick it up? | 0:15:39 | 0:15:42 | |
The collect-by date passed, and they wouldn't pay out. He tried to sue and he lost. Very sad. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:47 | |
A woman in 1980 called Maureen chose the correct winning numbers for both Massachusetts and Rhode Island. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:52 | |
-Unfortunately, she... -She was burned as a witch. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
No, she played the Massachusetts numbers in Rhode Island... | 0:15:55 | 0:15:59 | |
ALL GROAN | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
No! The odds against that are 30 trillion to one. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:04 | |
Well, quite. Anyway, yes, | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
lottery winners tend to turn right after collecting their winnings. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:10 | |
What's the most disgusting thing | 0:16:10 | 0:16:11 | |
a Liberal-Tory coalition has ever done? | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
I think you've got the photo right there! | 0:16:15 | 0:16:18 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:18 | 0:16:19 | |
-So much choice. -Mmm. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
I'm going to guess it's NOT this Liberal... | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
It's not, it's the Liberal Party rather than | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
the Liberal Democratic Party, which is the Lib Dems. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:29 | |
Is it Whiggery...? | 0:16:29 | 0:16:30 | |
It's later than that. 100 years later, roughly. 1890s, in fact. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:34 | |
Is it something to do with sewers? | 0:16:34 | 0:16:36 | |
It's in your favourite city, Birmingham. It's not sewers... | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
Is it something to do with Thomas Crapper? | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
No, it's not a spend a penny answer. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:45 | |
-It's eating something, in public. -In Birmingham? | 0:16:45 | 0:16:47 | |
A liberal person ate something in Birmingham in the 1850s. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
-A group of liberal people. -It's getting closer and closer. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
-Dog shit. -It was a scandal that rocked the nation. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
-It wasn't dog SHIT, it was... -A dog. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
-A dog. -Oh! -They ate a dog. | 0:16:58 | 0:16:59 | |
Not only that, they celebrated their victory... | 0:16:59 | 0:17:03 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:03 | 0:17:04 | |
-That was not a real headline. -No... | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:08 | 0:17:09 | |
We did mock that one up, I grant you. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:14 | |
But the top bit is correct - "Birmingham Gazette, | 0:17:14 | 0:17:16 | |
"largest sale with one exception of any provincial morning newspaper." | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
I love the "with one exception" - | 0:17:19 | 0:17:20 | |
"I'll grant you that, there is one exception." | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
Why don't they just put "second-largest"?! | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
So they ate this dog - not only that, they roasted it | 0:17:26 | 0:17:29 | |
and portions of the dog's limbs were used to create fun | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
by some of the men rubbing them over the faces of their companions. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:35 | |
But a few days later, the Birmingham Gazette | 0:17:35 | 0:17:37 | |
was scooped by the Birmingham Post - still going, I think - | 0:17:37 | 0:17:40 | |
which revealed that one of the men involved was a Tory, | 0:17:40 | 0:17:43 | |
so in fact it was a coalition disgrace. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
-Why did they do this? -To celebrate - they were obviously drunk, I suspect. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:49 | |
Yeah, but there's drunk, and there's... | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
There's really unpleasant. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:55 | |
I've been drunk many, many times, | 0:17:55 | 0:17:56 | |
-and I've never looked at my dogs... -Or your neighbours' dogs. | 0:17:56 | 0:18:00 | |
You've had a kebab. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:03 | |
GROANING | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
Did you know that how disgusted you feel about something, like eating a dog, | 0:18:05 | 0:18:09 | |
will reflect on your political inclinations? | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
So conservative people are more likely | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
to feel repulsed by things than liberals. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
And it's something to do with your physical reaction to something, | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
so it tells you something about what political persuasion you are. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:24 | |
That's how I know I'm so liberal. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
Cos I'll eat anything. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
-I've never eaten a dog, though, that's very odd. -No. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:31 | |
Well, like most meat-eaters they're not very tasty. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:34 | |
Well, you shouldn't eat anything that's more than two from the sun, | 0:18:34 | 0:18:37 | |
-and a dog eats meat... -Exactly. Meat-eaters are not good. I mean, | 0:18:37 | 0:18:41 | |
those who do eat meat, eat vegetarians - | 0:18:41 | 0:18:43 | |
we eat cows, and sheep... | 0:18:43 | 0:18:44 | |
You're a vegetarian, aren't you? | 0:18:44 | 0:18:46 | |
-I eat fish. -Mmm... I could still eat you. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:48 | 0:18:50 | |
Technically I could eat you. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
-I'd leave the hair. -I think we'd have to have a vote. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
This next question is even more incomprehensible than usual, | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
so I thought I'd spice things up by getting you all to wear hats. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:03 | |
Could you pass that to Jeremy? | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
And you can have that. And yours, you'll notice, says "Leader". | 0:19:05 | 0:19:09 | |
And you can have the fez. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:13 | |
I have the largest head in the world. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:14 | |
-And you can have a nice straw boater. -LAUGHTER | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
-It's extraordinary. You do have a large head. -Enormous head. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:22 | |
DANNY: Elmer Fudd! | 0:19:22 | 0:19:23 | |
I saw Bob Dylan in concert at the O2 Arena, | 0:19:25 | 0:19:29 | |
and he didn't have screens on, you can't... He's this size. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:33 | |
And he wore a ten-gallon hat for the whole thing, and he never spoke. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:37 | |
So it could have been anyone. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:39 | 0:19:40 | |
Right, OK, here we go with this question. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
What do Amy Freeze and Larry Sprinkle | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
have in common with D Weedon and AJ Splatt? | 0:19:46 | 0:19:51 | |
Is this some dark part of the internet? | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
It's a real thing, it's not a dark part of the internet, | 0:19:53 | 0:19:56 | |
it's a joyous part of real life and... | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
They're real people? | 0:19:58 | 0:19:59 | |
Weedon and Splatt are both Australian urologists. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:04 | |
Ah. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
In other words they cover splatting and being weed on. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
Well, not necessarily being weed on - weeing, sorry. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:11 | |
And Amy Freeze and Larry Sprinkle are American...? | 0:20:11 | 0:20:16 | |
-Chefs. -Antifreeze manufacturers. -Ice cream. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
-JEREMY: Garden sprinkler manufacturers. -Weather forecasters. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:21 | |
So it freezes, you get a sprinkle of rain. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:23 | |
-I don't believe that's their real names. -It really is. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:26 | |
Now, what is the name for people having jobs | 0:20:26 | 0:20:28 | |
that come after their names? So, if you were a baker, say... | 0:20:28 | 0:20:31 | |
Yes, exactly. I don't know the... I don't know the term. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:34 | |
JEREMY: My dad was a clerk. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
-Exactly, that would do it. -Yeah. -It's called nominative determinism. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:39 | |
It's called nominative or onomastic determinism, | 0:20:39 | 0:20:41 | |
because you're determined by your name. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:44 | |
But I've always been interested by this, | 0:20:44 | 0:20:45 | |
because there was a family many years ago | 0:20:45 | 0:20:47 | |
and they were called the Gauntletts. | 0:20:47 | 0:20:49 | |
And they christened their son Victor. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:52 | |
I knew Victor, he ran Aston Martin. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:53 | |
Exactly. He was destined to run Aston Martin, | 0:20:53 | 0:20:55 | |
simply because his parents had christened him Victor. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
If they'd called him Stan, he would have been a plumber. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:02 | |
You see it all the time, | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
where somebody called Fotherington Major Fortescue | 0:21:05 | 0:21:09 | |
has always got a sandwich shop in Fulham. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
Whereas somebody called Ron Twatt is a builder from somewhere. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:17 | |
-Very simple names tend to... -Yeah. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:20 | |
-I know Ron Twatt. -Do you? | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
Bloody good builder. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:24 | |
Surely Ron Twatt should be a gynaecologist? | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:21:27 | 0:21:28 | |
-Ron Twatt. -Denis Norden and Frank Muir, | 0:21:34 | 0:21:37 | |
when they were writing their scripts, they used to get bored, | 0:21:37 | 0:21:39 | |
and come up with improbable TV shows. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
And the best one was "By day, she dispensed justice | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
"on the streets of LA. By night, she was queen of the music halls. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:48 | |
"Join us at 8:00, for Tara Raboom, DA." | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
Ta-ra-ra boom-di-ay! Oh, that's brilliant. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:57 | |
-I love it. -That was my favourite one of those. | 0:21:57 | 0:21:59 | |
Well, some examples you might know - | 0:21:59 | 0:22:01 | |
they're called aptronyms as well, because they are apt-onyms. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
-Mark Avery, where would he work? -In an aviary. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:07 | |
Well, no, that's a bit too specific. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:08 | |
-In a zoo. -Birds, something to do with birds. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:10 | |
He's of the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds, yes. Very good. | 0:22:10 | 0:22:13 | |
The poet Wordsworth, when you think about it, | 0:22:13 | 0:22:16 | |
he went to Cambridge to read mathematics, | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
and he probably thought, "Well, I'm called Wordsworth, words, words." | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
Stephen, why am I wearing this hat? | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
You'll see. You're the leader, | 0:22:23 | 0:22:25 | |
you've got to have a way of indicating your leadership. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
And you're the leader. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:28 | |
I did a programme years ago sailing around Britain with John McCarthy, | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
and we had to go and be fitted for life jackets | 0:22:31 | 0:22:33 | |
at Crew Saver Life Jackets, and they were fitted, | 0:22:33 | 0:22:36 | |
and I promise you, I've still got his card, | 0:22:36 | 0:22:38 | |
by a man called Will Drown. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:39 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:22:39 | 0:22:42 | |
You see, it's just fantastic. It's just bliss when that happens. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:46 | |
Well, you've rather beaten mine, my rather sorry lot left. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:51 | |
I mean, Danone UK, the managing director is called Bruno Fromage. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:56 | |
You probably remember the former Lord Chief Justice was... | 0:22:56 | 0:22:59 | |
-Lord Judge. -Lord Judge. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:00 | |
That really is pretty straightforward, isn't it? | 0:23:00 | 0:23:02 | |
-What is Fry, darling? What is it...? -The Frys? | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
Bristol chaps, and chapesses, a very famous chapess. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:09 | |
She was on our £5 note until very recently - Elizabeth Fry. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:13 | |
And she was a Gurney and the Frys were Frys | 0:23:13 | 0:23:15 | |
and they were both Quaker families, as many of the chocolatiers were. | 0:23:15 | 0:23:18 | |
Were you plagued at school by people saying "Turkish Delight"? | 0:23:18 | 0:23:21 | |
Of course. "Fry's Turkish Delight, keeps you up in the night." | 0:23:21 | 0:23:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
-No, it doesn't. -Happy days. -It's a pleasant comestible. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:28 | |
Try, "Dan, Dan, the lavatory man, washed his hair with | 0:23:28 | 0:23:31 | |
"a frying pan, combed his hair with the leg of a chair, Dan, Dan..." | 0:23:31 | 0:23:34 | |
And Danny Boy. There's certain songs that do curse you through your life | 0:23:34 | 0:23:37 | |
if you have a certain name. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:39 | |
I just got, "What sort of a fucking name is Jeremy?" | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:42 | 0:23:43 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:23:44 | 0:23:45 | |
Just a couple of nominative determinism facts. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:51 | |
One is this fellow called Robert Lane, who was a New Yorker, who, | 0:23:51 | 0:23:54 | |
for various reasons, decided to give his sixth child the name Winner | 0:23:54 | 0:23:58 | |
and his seventh and last child, rather unkindly, Loser. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
Something of an extraordinary experiment, | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
but it at least reversed the effect you might expect | 0:24:04 | 0:24:07 | |
and Loser Lane, known as Lou, | 0:24:07 | 0:24:09 | |
went on to become a pillar of the NYPD and... | 0:24:09 | 0:24:11 | |
probably arresting his older brother, Winner, | 0:24:11 | 0:24:14 | |
who was arrested for burglary more than 30 times. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:18 | |
So it didn't work at all. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:19 | |
Now, if I told you that two of our biggest fans are called Joyce Baker | 0:24:19 | 0:24:23 | |
and Amanda Pastry, what do you think you might have handed out to you? | 0:24:23 | 0:24:27 | |
-Is it cake? -Well, it's not cake, actually, it's biscuits. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:30 | |
So you can help yourself. You have to eat them all. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
Well, it's nice, but mildly disappointing. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:35 | |
Yeah, you've got to eat them. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:37 | |
-This is all part of the experiment. -Do we have to eat them? -Yeah. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:40 | |
The third one has to go, and Alan's taken the third one, | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
-and that's the important thing. -What? | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
Because it's got the word leader... | 0:24:44 | 0:24:45 | |
This happens in experiment after experiment with human beings, | 0:24:45 | 0:24:48 | |
if you tell someone they're the leader, | 0:24:48 | 0:24:50 | |
and you give them three of something, an odd number, | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
with an even number of people, the leader always takes. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
Well, it's a bit like, my father once went out for tea with somebody | 0:24:55 | 0:24:59 | |
and two cakes were delivered - one was very small, one was very large. | 0:24:59 | 0:25:04 | |
And the chap just leant over and took the large one. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:06 | |
And my dad said, "If that had been me and I went first, | 0:25:06 | 0:25:09 | |
"I would have taken the smaller one." And he said, | 0:25:09 | 0:25:11 | |
"Well, you've got it anyway, so what are you complaining about?" | 0:25:11 | 0:25:15 | |
-That's so logical. -It is. -That's brilliant. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:17 | |
But I think boys and girls have a very different way of doing this. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
I was once at a party and they were handing out things on this slate, | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
they seem to do nowadays, with canapes, don't they? | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
And there were two small canapes on this piece of slate, | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
and there were three of us. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:29 | |
And all three of us went, "No, that's very kind, thank you," | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
and as we were saying it, a man walked past, | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
picked up one canape, put it on top of the other and ate them both. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
Excellent. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:39 | |
So he ate the other one not just cos he's Alan Davies... | 0:25:39 | 0:25:42 | |
But because he's got "leader" | 0:25:42 | 0:25:43 | |
and he felt like somehow it was just put into his brain | 0:25:43 | 0:25:46 | |
that he was the leader and he would have that. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:48 | |
-It's not behavioural... -Sorry, Jeremy. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:50 | |
Behavioural science is... | 0:25:50 | 0:25:51 | |
I was looking forward to that biscuit. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:53 | |
Hand in your plates. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:54 | |
It doesn't help that I forgot I'd got "leader" on my hat. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:58 | |
-Oh, you forgot you were the leader, that really doesn't help. -Yes, no. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:02 | |
I'll eat those as well, if you like. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
Right, so, skimming on. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:07 | |
What did lucky old Edward VII use this for? | 0:26:07 | 0:26:11 | |
Oh, I say! | 0:26:11 | 0:26:12 | |
-I say lucky, I mean, it's an extraordinary contrivance. -Oh, God! | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
What do we know about it this? | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
-Ah, ah. -No, quite wrong. | 0:26:17 | 0:26:19 | |
He didn't poo on yellow silk. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:20 | |
-You thought it lifted up into a commode. -A commode, yes. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
-Is it sexual, some kind of...? -It was sexual, yeah. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
It's sexual and I'm not going to say it on television, frankly, | 0:26:27 | 0:26:30 | |
-I'll just be in trouble. -Well, no, you won't. I mean, it's... | 0:26:30 | 0:26:33 | |
-Well, I will a bit. -Yeah. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
For what I've got in mind, if I said that... | 0:26:35 | 0:26:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:37 | 0:26:38 | |
I'll accept that then. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:40 | |
I guess a young lady sits on the top bit and he's not... | 0:26:42 | 0:26:47 | |
He's elsewhere. | 0:26:47 | 0:26:48 | |
Well, this is what we find hard to work out. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:50 | |
The Chabanais was a maison de passe in Paris - a brothel, | 0:26:50 | 0:26:53 | |
as we would say - and he had this constructed for him, | 0:26:53 | 0:26:56 | |
it was called the siege d'amour, the seat of love. | 0:26:56 | 0:26:59 | |
And the idea was that he could service, pleasure, | 0:26:59 | 0:27:03 | |
-have his way with two prostitutes at the same time. -Oh. | 0:27:03 | 0:27:08 | |
How this worked I'm not quite... I say at the same time, I mean that... | 0:27:08 | 0:27:11 | |
With his extra penis. | 0:27:11 | 0:27:12 | |
It does make you worry. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:14 | |
The King's penis. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:17 | |
-Behold. -Two birthdays, two penises. | 0:27:17 | 0:27:19 | |
It's got stirrups at the top, so there's clearly... | 0:27:19 | 0:27:21 | |
It has got stirrups. Her legs could go, or his... | 0:27:21 | 0:27:24 | |
Is this why Queen Victoria didn't talk to him? | 0:27:24 | 0:27:26 | |
-I think it might well be. -"What have you got there now, dear?" | 0:27:26 | 0:27:29 | |
"Ah, Your Majesty." | 0:27:31 | 0:27:32 | |
Dirty Bertie, as he was known, quite rightly. His name was Bertie. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:35 | |
Do you know that wonderful story, | 0:27:35 | 0:27:37 | |
-he had a long-standing affair with Lillie Langtry? -Yes. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
Probably it's not true at all, | 0:27:39 | 0:27:41 | |
but it is said that he was very cross with her one day | 0:27:41 | 0:27:44 | |
and he said, "I've spent enough on you to build a battleship." | 0:27:44 | 0:27:47 | |
And she said "You've spent enough in me to float one." | 0:27:47 | 0:27:49 | |
LAUGHTER AND GROANS | 0:27:49 | 0:27:51 | |
So, what did the Ancient Greeks use this for? | 0:27:53 | 0:27:55 | |
-Yes, go on. -Is it that this? | 0:27:59 | 0:28:02 | |
Ah, no, it isn't. | 0:28:02 | 0:28:04 | |
You're not seeing all of it, which is rather unfair of us. | 0:28:04 | 0:28:06 | |
You just seeing the head. It then goes on quite a long way down. | 0:28:06 | 0:28:09 | |
-Is it sexual as well? -Something protrudes. -Is it sexual? | 0:28:09 | 0:28:12 | |
-It is, isn't it? -Is it? -There you are. -There you go. | 0:28:12 | 0:28:15 | |
-Oh. -Well, you can't... -Well, it doesn't look like much fun. | 0:28:15 | 0:28:19 | |
He got his bollock shut in the lift. | 0:28:19 | 0:28:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:28:20 | 0:28:21 | |
There are very few left in good condition, I have to say. | 0:28:21 | 0:28:24 | |
Well, somebody's pulled that one's arms off. | 0:28:24 | 0:28:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:28:27 | 0:28:29 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:29 | 0:28:31 | |
It's the only way he'll learn. | 0:28:31 | 0:28:32 | |
The only way he'll learn not to play with himself. | 0:28:37 | 0:28:40 | |
These were called herms, as in Hermes the god, | 0:28:40 | 0:28:44 | |
and these were little pillars - or large pillars in some cases - | 0:28:44 | 0:28:47 | |
with a phallus on them and they were rubbed in oil | 0:28:47 | 0:28:50 | |
and then, as you passed one, you'd give it a good fondle... | 0:28:50 | 0:28:52 | |
There you are, another one there. ..to give you good luck. | 0:28:52 | 0:28:54 | |
-And where is it from, darling? -Greece. | 0:28:54 | 0:28:56 | |
The great period of Greece, if you like. | 0:28:56 | 0:28:58 | |
In fact, during the Peloponnesian War | 0:28:58 | 0:29:01 | |
in about 415 BC there was a terrible incident | 0:29:01 | 0:29:03 | |
known as The Mutilation of the Herms | 0:29:03 | 0:29:05 | |
when they were at war with Sparta, the Athenians, | 0:29:05 | 0:29:07 | |
and every single penis had been hacked off. | 0:29:07 | 0:29:10 | |
And they blamed this on the disastrous expedition to | 0:29:10 | 0:29:12 | |
-Sicily a little later. -Well, it changes... | 0:29:12 | 0:29:15 | |
That period of history, the discovery that the penis | 0:29:15 | 0:29:18 | |
has anything to do with reproduction changes everything. | 0:29:18 | 0:29:21 | |
There's no natural reason to suppose that the predisposition to | 0:29:21 | 0:29:25 | |
pop it in a snug hole somewhere, which is what all humans | 0:29:25 | 0:29:28 | |
and animals...we can observe animals doing, | 0:29:28 | 0:29:30 | |
and humans have the same predisposition, the idea that, | 0:29:30 | 0:29:33 | |
nine months later, the thing that pops out of you is connected to it | 0:29:33 | 0:29:36 | |
is not a rational one at all. | 0:29:36 | 0:29:37 | |
Until the Greeks, nobody had worked that out? | 0:29:37 | 0:29:39 | |
Plenty of cultures hadn't worked it out at all until they were told. | 0:29:39 | 0:29:42 | |
In fact, you get mostly godless cultures prior to that | 0:29:42 | 0:29:44 | |
where the woman is revered | 0:29:44 | 0:29:46 | |
cos she's the one who is producing the new child | 0:29:46 | 0:29:48 | |
and the men suddenly go, "Oh, it's something to do with me!" | 0:29:48 | 0:29:52 | |
And that ruined the world, actually. | 0:29:52 | 0:29:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:29:53 | 0:29:55 | |
Very good. | 0:29:57 | 0:29:58 | |
Now, what's the worst thing you can do with a gympie-gympie? | 0:29:58 | 0:30:02 | |
Gympie-gympie? | 0:30:03 | 0:30:05 | |
Remove her leaf? | 0:30:05 | 0:30:06 | |
Well, that would... Yeah, she would be upset. | 0:30:06 | 0:30:09 | |
It's wipe your bottom. | 0:30:09 | 0:30:11 | |
You've missed your Spend A Penny chance. | 0:30:11 | 0:30:14 | |
Does it make it poisonous or do something dreadful to you? | 0:30:14 | 0:30:16 | |
I think poison is... | 0:30:16 | 0:30:17 | |
It's kind of poison, but it's sort of worse than that. | 0:30:17 | 0:30:20 | |
Is it full of bugs that crawl up your bum? | 0:30:20 | 0:30:22 | |
Imagine a stinging nettle turned up to the absolutely unbearable max. | 0:30:22 | 0:30:26 | |
Why would you wipe your bottom with it? | 0:30:26 | 0:30:28 | |
Well, because it looks a bit like a leaf that would be safe to. | 0:30:28 | 0:30:31 | |
-Oh, a dock leaf type thing. -Yeah, a dock-leafy sort of thing. | 0:30:31 | 0:30:33 | |
It's from Queensland | 0:30:33 | 0:30:34 | |
and it has one of the most vicious stings in nature. | 0:30:34 | 0:30:37 | |
A brush against it feels apparently like being burnt with hot acid | 0:30:37 | 0:30:40 | |
and electrocuted at the same time. | 0:30:40 | 0:30:42 | |
According to one account, a soldier in the bush | 0:30:42 | 0:30:44 | |
in the Second World War was caught short and picked the wrong leaf | 0:30:44 | 0:30:47 | |
-and found himself in so much pain that he shot himself. -No! | 0:30:47 | 0:30:50 | |
-AUDIENCE GASPS -Exactly. | 0:30:50 | 0:30:51 | |
That is a serious... I mean, just the agony of it. | 0:30:51 | 0:30:54 | |
One of the first mentions is from 1866, a surveyor reported | 0:30:54 | 0:30:57 | |
that his pack horse was stung, got mad and died within two hours. | 0:30:57 | 0:31:01 | |
Les Moore, a scientific officer with the Queensland government, was stung | 0:31:01 | 0:31:04 | |
across the face, ended up looking like Mr Potato Head, apparently. | 0:31:04 | 0:31:08 | |
I still think it can't be as bad | 0:31:08 | 0:31:10 | |
as the toilet paper we had at boarding school. | 0:31:10 | 0:31:13 | |
I know what you mean. Izal and Bronco. | 0:31:13 | 0:31:15 | |
I used to write home to my mother on it, airmail letters, | 0:31:15 | 0:31:18 | |
that's how bad it was. | 0:31:18 | 0:31:19 | |
-Yes, it was crispy tissue. -Is that that shiny stuff? | 0:31:19 | 0:31:21 | |
Nothing would stick to it, it was like grease paper. | 0:31:21 | 0:31:24 | |
You'd think, "I've definitely had a poo, but there's no evidence." | 0:31:24 | 0:31:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:31:27 | 0:31:29 | |
It wouldn't come off on it. It seemed to serve no purpose. | 0:31:29 | 0:31:33 | |
Shall we move along? | 0:31:33 | 0:31:34 | |
Yes. Let's do that. | 0:31:34 | 0:31:36 | |
So, it was the Spend A Penny round after all. | 0:31:36 | 0:31:38 | |
If you're caught short in the bush, don't use a gympie-gympie, | 0:31:38 | 0:31:41 | |
you might end up shooting yourself. | 0:31:41 | 0:31:43 | |
Now, which football team is the worst in the world | 0:31:43 | 0:31:45 | |
at losing major trophies? | 0:31:45 | 0:31:47 | |
The worst in the world, | 0:31:47 | 0:31:48 | |
so it's a team that presumably has never won a game. | 0:31:48 | 0:31:51 | |
-It's not that. They've won quite a lot of games. -Oh. | 0:31:51 | 0:31:53 | |
They've even won trophies. | 0:31:53 | 0:31:55 | |
-Have they had the trophies stolen? -But then they've lost them. | 0:31:55 | 0:31:58 | |
They've lost them. | 0:31:58 | 0:31:59 | |
-Aston Villa? -Very good. | 0:31:59 | 0:32:01 | |
Well, there you go. | 0:32:01 | 0:32:02 | |
JEREMY: We're back in Birmingham again now | 0:32:02 | 0:32:04 | |
and you're being rude, aren't you? By knowing so much. | 0:32:04 | 0:32:06 | |
How do you know that? | 0:32:06 | 0:32:08 | |
He does a sports programme, he's a football lover. | 0:32:08 | 0:32:10 | |
-Yeah. -Ah. I must listen. | 0:32:10 | 0:32:11 | |
But in the 1964 FA Cup Final, | 0:32:14 | 0:32:18 | |
which was won by...? | 0:32:18 | 0:32:19 | |
West Ham. | 0:32:19 | 0:32:20 | |
Yes, you can see Bobby Moore there. Who was their manager? | 0:32:20 | 0:32:23 | |
At that point? Er, 1964... | 0:32:23 | 0:32:27 | |
Would have been, not Ron.... | 0:32:27 | 0:32:29 | |
-It was Ron. -It was? -Ron Greenwood, yeah. | 0:32:29 | 0:32:31 | |
He took it home by Tube, discreetly covering it... | 0:32:31 | 0:32:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:32:34 | 0:32:36 | |
..wrapped in a cloth. | 0:32:36 | 0:32:38 | |
That lady, she's got her eye on it. | 0:32:38 | 0:32:40 | |
I was talking to Jackie Charlton once. | 0:32:41 | 0:32:43 | |
The centre-half for England when they won the World Cup in 1966. | 0:32:43 | 0:32:47 | |
His brother, Bobby, of course. | 0:32:47 | 0:32:49 | |
And Jack Charlton said that after the World Cup final, he said, | 0:32:49 | 0:32:52 | |
"Myself and Alan Ball and a few of the lads, | 0:32:52 | 0:32:54 | |
"we headed to the Talk Of The Town," | 0:32:54 | 0:32:56 | |
and he said, "I woke up in a couple's house in Dagenham who I've never seen | 0:32:56 | 0:33:01 | |
"before or since, and the first thing I did was get my jacket and go... | 0:33:01 | 0:33:05 | |
"Cos I still had the World Cup winners' medal in my pocket. | 0:33:05 | 0:33:08 | |
"We made a few excuses and went." So it's not unusual in that period. | 0:33:08 | 0:33:11 | |
I love the fact Bobby Charlton | 0:33:11 | 0:33:13 | |
used to have a cigarette at half-time in every match. | 0:33:13 | 0:33:16 | |
There's a wonderful ladies football team called the Dick Kerr Ladies | 0:33:16 | 0:33:19 | |
and the Dick Kerr Ladies existed for years and years. | 0:33:19 | 0:33:22 | |
During the Second World War, they were the most popular football team | 0:33:22 | 0:33:25 | |
and there was a woman who used to play for them | 0:33:25 | 0:33:27 | |
who smoked Woodbines while playing. | 0:33:27 | 0:33:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:33:29 | 0:33:30 | |
Well, Ron Greenwood had good reason to be worried, | 0:33:30 | 0:33:33 | |
and that's the point. | 0:33:33 | 0:33:34 | |
Football trophies do have a history of going missing, | 0:33:34 | 0:33:37 | |
and Aston Villa seem to have been more to blame than anyone else. | 0:33:37 | 0:33:39 | |
In 1895, their FA Cup was stolen from the window of a sports shop | 0:33:39 | 0:33:43 | |
in Birmingham and, 63 years later, a man called Harry Burge | 0:33:43 | 0:33:49 | |
confessed that he had been the man who had stolen it, | 0:33:49 | 0:33:52 | |
-and he had melted it down and made counterfeit half-crown coins. -Wow! | 0:33:52 | 0:33:56 | |
The second major trophy to have been mislaid by Aston Villa | 0:33:56 | 0:33:58 | |
-was the European Cup in... What year did they...? -1981. | 0:33:58 | 0:34:02 | |
Yes, they mislaid it in '82. Two members of the... | 0:34:02 | 0:34:05 | |
-1982. -It would have been, yes. | 0:34:05 | 0:34:07 | |
Two members of the team decided | 0:34:07 | 0:34:08 | |
to take the cup to a darts match, where it disappeared. | 0:34:08 | 0:34:11 | |
And many years later a man called Adrian Reed | 0:34:11 | 0:34:13 | |
was identified as the culprit. | 0:34:13 | 0:34:15 | |
He took it to a local police station. | 0:34:15 | 0:34:17 | |
But it didn't end there, | 0:34:17 | 0:34:18 | |
cos the police decided to have a football match for it. | 0:34:18 | 0:34:20 | |
So they kept it, so that they could brag | 0:34:20 | 0:34:22 | |
about being the European Cup winners. | 0:34:22 | 0:34:25 | |
And the FA Cup gets damaged so much every year | 0:34:26 | 0:34:29 | |
that it has to get repaired every single year | 0:34:29 | 0:34:31 | |
because it gets bashed about in the bath. | 0:34:31 | 0:34:33 | |
-I love they've got a pot of tea by the bath. -Yes. | 0:34:33 | 0:34:37 | |
A bottle of milk. A bottle of milk is very nice. | 0:34:37 | 0:34:40 | |
You always used to see them. Quite often you'd see them drinking milk. | 0:34:40 | 0:34:43 | |
It must have been this early sponsorship thing. | 0:34:43 | 0:34:45 | |
But always after the FA Cup... I just remembered this now. | 0:34:45 | 0:34:49 | |
In the post-match interviews, they'd be standing holding a pint of milk. | 0:34:49 | 0:34:53 | |
-The last thing you want. -Probably sponsored by the Milk Board. | 0:34:53 | 0:34:57 | |
The Milk Marketing Board. | 0:34:57 | 0:34:58 | |
So Aston Villa may not have a great record of winning trophies, | 0:34:58 | 0:35:01 | |
but they have a rather impressive record of losing them. | 0:35:01 | 0:35:04 | |
Speaking of losers, | 0:35:04 | 0:35:05 | |
it's time for the lucky dip that is General Ignorance. | 0:35:05 | 0:35:07 | |
Fingers on buzzers, please. | 0:35:07 | 0:35:09 | |
And don't forget that tonight the lowest scorer will be the winner. | 0:35:09 | 0:35:12 | |
Which day is added to a leap year? | 0:35:12 | 0:35:14 | |
Yeah? | 0:35:16 | 0:35:17 | |
February 29th. | 0:35:17 | 0:35:18 | |
Yeah, well done, absolutely. No, it isn't. | 0:35:18 | 0:35:21 | |
Right, well, it is. | 0:35:22 | 0:35:23 | |
I'm standing my ground on this one. | 0:35:26 | 0:35:28 | |
They squeeze into the middle of February | 0:35:28 | 0:35:31 | |
and add an extra 24th, so the 24th becomes the 25th, | 0:35:31 | 0:35:34 | |
25th becomes 26th, 26th becomes 27th, | 0:35:34 | 0:35:36 | |
27th becomes 28th, 28th becomes 29th. | 0:35:36 | 0:35:39 | |
The reason for that is that | 0:35:39 | 0:35:40 | |
the Roman calendar was divided into three. | 0:35:40 | 0:35:43 | |
The Kalends, the Nones and the Ides. | 0:35:43 | 0:35:45 | |
And when it came to discovering, which they did, | 0:35:45 | 0:35:48 | |
that a year was actually not 365 days but 365 days and a quarter, | 0:35:48 | 0:35:54 | |
they added it into one of those calendar series. | 0:35:54 | 0:35:58 | |
Now you may say this is just ridiculous, they added 29, | 0:35:58 | 0:36:01 | |
but they didn't, and in fact the proof of this is that in Denmark, | 0:36:01 | 0:36:05 | |
the day on which a woman is allowed to propose to a man | 0:36:05 | 0:36:09 | |
is the 24th of February, not the 29th. | 0:36:09 | 0:36:12 | |
That's the reason. Yeah. | 0:36:12 | 0:36:13 | |
There's an extra day in the middle of February that, apart from Denmark, | 0:36:13 | 0:36:16 | |
nobody else has noticed it. | 0:36:16 | 0:36:18 | |
Well, the Catholic church did until the '70s, | 0:36:18 | 0:36:20 | |
it was St Matthias's Day. | 0:36:20 | 0:36:21 | |
-So vicars were going, "Ah, it's the secret day today." -Yeah. | 0:36:21 | 0:36:25 | |
St Matthias's day was the 24th February, | 0:36:25 | 0:36:27 | |
but on leap years it was the 25th. | 0:36:27 | 0:36:29 | |
I was with you, Alan, really. | 0:36:29 | 0:36:30 | |
-But it's good, because he got his extra points. -He did. | 0:36:30 | 0:36:32 | |
-Yeah, you see, don't forget that. -Lucky bastard, as it turns out. | 0:36:32 | 0:36:36 | |
So the day you add for a leap year is actually February 24th. | 0:36:36 | 0:36:39 | |
In which year did World War II begin? | 0:36:39 | 0:36:42 | |
-Oh, yes? -1939. | 0:36:42 | 0:36:44 | |
Well now, there, well done. | 0:36:44 | 0:36:46 | |
Coming up on the rails. | 0:36:46 | 0:36:48 | |
Yes, absolutely. Overuse of the whip. | 0:36:48 | 0:36:50 | |
I just wanted to make sure it's working. | 0:36:50 | 0:36:52 | |
Yes, you're still winning. Yeah? | 0:36:52 | 0:36:54 | |
-'39? -He just said that. -I know. | 0:36:54 | 0:36:56 | |
It doesn't work twice. | 0:36:56 | 0:36:57 | |
I was just waiting to hear why it wasn't 1939. | 0:36:57 | 0:37:00 | |
Well, that's a very Anglo-Franco point of view. | 0:37:00 | 0:37:03 | |
Certainly it's when the British and the French joined the war, | 0:37:03 | 0:37:07 | |
but before then the Germans had been at war with other countries | 0:37:07 | 0:37:10 | |
and the Chinese had been at war with the Japanese. | 0:37:10 | 0:37:12 | |
That was a very global sort of event, it spread out, | 0:37:12 | 0:37:15 | |
and of course there were alliances and other such things. | 0:37:15 | 0:37:17 | |
So you could argue it was '37, you could argue it was '35, | 0:37:17 | 0:37:20 | |
you could say the Spanish Civil War with all the International Brigades | 0:37:20 | 0:37:23 | |
that went in, that was the beginning of the world conflict. | 0:37:23 | 0:37:26 | |
But could it strictly speaking be the WORLD war at that point? | 0:37:26 | 0:37:28 | |
-I mean, how many countries does it take? -I don't know. | 0:37:28 | 0:37:31 | |
It certainly is nothing like the entire globe. | 0:37:31 | 0:37:33 | |
-Austria-Hungary is probably not enough. -No. | 0:37:33 | 0:37:36 | |
My father was an MEP along with Otto von Habsburg who, | 0:37:36 | 0:37:39 | |
had things been different, would've had much more power. | 0:37:39 | 0:37:42 | |
My father was watching the football in the common room at the Parliament | 0:37:42 | 0:37:45 | |
and Otto came in and said, "Who's playing?" | 0:37:45 | 0:37:47 | |
My father said, "Austria Hungary." | 0:37:47 | 0:37:48 | |
He said, "Oh, against whom?" | 0:37:48 | 0:37:50 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:37:50 | 0:37:53 | |
So Britain joined World War II in 1939, yes, | 0:37:53 | 0:37:55 | |
but it had been going on since at least 1937 and arguably since 1935. | 0:37:55 | 0:38:01 | |
Could you beat a T-Rex at arm-wrestling? | 0:38:01 | 0:38:04 | |
Yes, easily. | 0:38:04 | 0:38:05 | |
-KLAXON -Yes, easily. | 0:38:05 | 0:38:07 | |
Well done. Even the word "easily" you got. | 0:38:07 | 0:38:10 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:38:10 | 0:38:13 | |
Either that's the fastest typist in the world or I was bang on. | 0:38:13 | 0:38:16 | |
-A couple of points for both words. -Very good indeed. | 0:38:16 | 0:38:19 | |
No. It may be that, in relation to its body, | 0:38:19 | 0:38:21 | |
the T-Rex's arms look rather spindly and puny. | 0:38:21 | 0:38:24 | |
In fact, they are enormous | 0:38:24 | 0:38:26 | |
and powerful they are able to lift the equivalent to about 400 lbs, | 0:38:26 | 0:38:30 | |
whereas the average human being would be about 150 lbs. | 0:38:30 | 0:38:33 | |
-Plus I did once lose an arm-wrestle to Boris Johnson. -Did you? | 0:38:33 | 0:38:37 | |
Lost, can you believe that? I thought he was all blubber. | 0:38:37 | 0:38:40 | |
He is a horse of a man. | 0:38:40 | 0:38:41 | |
-He is, he's Turkish, he's got Turkish blood in him. -Hugely strong. | 0:38:41 | 0:38:44 | |
Low centre of gravity. | 0:38:44 | 0:38:47 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:38:47 | 0:38:48 | |
We were in a Turkish bath at the time. | 0:38:48 | 0:38:51 | |
-So, you were in a Turkish bath... -I wasn't in a Turkish bath. | 0:38:51 | 0:38:54 | |
I was just arm-wrestling him over who had vomited most | 0:38:54 | 0:38:57 | |
in an F-15 fighter jet. How manly is that? | 0:38:57 | 0:39:00 | |
Yes, I went in a Jaguar, and Hugh Laurie went in one as well. | 0:39:01 | 0:39:05 | |
And Hugh is the butchest man you've ever met - | 0:39:05 | 0:39:07 | |
he's just extraordinarily athletic, natural athlete. | 0:39:07 | 0:39:10 | |
And we each got on this aeroplane. | 0:39:10 | 0:39:13 | |
He looked at me, the squadron leader, as he belted me up | 0:39:13 | 0:39:17 | |
and said, "Hmm, yeah, oh, OK." And I thought, "Of course, | 0:39:17 | 0:39:19 | |
"I'll be the one who throws up and Hugh would be flying beside | 0:39:19 | 0:39:22 | |
"and look at me and go, 'ha-ha'." | 0:39:22 | 0:39:24 | |
Hugh threw up for the entire journey and I was completely fine. | 0:39:24 | 0:39:27 | |
But the bad bit was when we landed | 0:39:27 | 0:39:29 | |
and I said to the squadron leader, | 0:39:29 | 0:39:30 | |
"When you were just belting me up and you looked at me and you went, | 0:39:30 | 0:39:33 | |
"Erm, yeah, OK," what was that about? | 0:39:33 | 0:39:35 | |
He said, "Oh, I didn't want to worry you. | 0:39:35 | 0:39:37 | |
"If we had had to use the ejection seat, | 0:39:37 | 0:39:40 | |
"your kneecaps would have stayed behind." | 0:39:40 | 0:39:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:39:43 | 0:39:45 | |
-My legs were just... -Exactly the same. -You would have the same. | 0:39:45 | 0:39:48 | |
Exactly the same in a Hawker Hunter. I would have shot out | 0:39:48 | 0:39:51 | |
and the lower half of my legs would have remained in the plane. | 0:39:51 | 0:39:55 | |
It's a bomb underneath you. It's just... Not a chance. Anyway. | 0:39:55 | 0:39:59 | |
God, I was sick. | 0:39:59 | 0:40:00 | |
I was supposed to be dropping a laser-guided bomb | 0:40:00 | 0:40:03 | |
and I had these three screens and you have to... | 0:40:03 | 0:40:05 | |
This was a dream. | 0:40:05 | 0:40:07 | |
I kept vomiting all over the screens and so I missed | 0:40:07 | 0:40:11 | |
not just the target but all of North Carolina with my bomb. | 0:40:11 | 0:40:15 | |
I have no idea where it landed, to this day. | 0:40:15 | 0:40:17 | |
I was sick a lot into their machinery. | 0:40:17 | 0:40:20 | |
Well, despite having mimsy arms, | 0:40:21 | 0:40:23 | |
Tyrannosaurs were very strong indeed. | 0:40:23 | 0:40:25 | |
What is the length of an Olympic swimming pool? | 0:40:25 | 0:40:28 | |
50 metres. | 0:40:31 | 0:40:32 | |
100 metres. | 0:40:32 | 0:40:33 | |
50 metres, no. | 0:40:33 | 0:40:35 | |
It is counted as 50 metres, but it isn't 50 metres. | 0:40:35 | 0:40:38 | |
It's 50 metres. | 0:40:38 | 0:40:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:40:39 | 0:40:40 | |
According to the Federation Internationale Natation - | 0:40:41 | 0:40:46 | |
-de Natation, "of swimming"... -Oh. Those bastards. | 0:40:46 | 0:40:49 | |
Olympic swimming pools are over-sized | 0:40:50 | 0:40:53 | |
by a centimetre at each end. Why? | 0:40:53 | 0:40:56 | |
So you don't bash your ankles when you do that spin-turn thing. | 0:40:56 | 0:40:58 | |
No, it's not that. What do you need in order to have an Olympic race? | 0:40:58 | 0:41:02 | |
A winning tape. | 0:41:02 | 0:41:03 | |
Well, you need a lap counter and you need something that | 0:41:03 | 0:41:06 | |
makes sure that the guy has completed the lap, or the girl. | 0:41:06 | 0:41:09 | |
-A sensor. -The sensor pad. In each lane you need one of those. | 0:41:09 | 0:41:14 | |
-Which is a centimetre at each end. -They have to touch it. | 0:41:14 | 0:41:16 | |
What about peeing in the pool? | 0:41:16 | 0:41:18 | |
Is that considered a bad thing by Olympic swimmers? | 0:41:18 | 0:41:20 | |
Oh, it is bad. It's very bad, isn't it? Because... | 0:41:20 | 0:41:23 | |
Pooing is right out, but... | 0:41:23 | 0:41:25 | |
It does something with the chlorine, it mixes with the chlorine. | 0:41:27 | 0:41:30 | |
Well, Olympic swimmers are perfectly happy to do it | 0:41:30 | 0:41:33 | |
-and perfectly happy to admit that they do it. -No! -Ugh! | 0:41:33 | 0:41:35 | |
And Michael Phelps, the greatest Olympian of all time | 0:41:35 | 0:41:38 | |
in terms of his medal haul, old bucket-hands himself... | 0:41:38 | 0:41:40 | |
Old Pissy Phelps. | 0:41:40 | 0:41:42 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:41:42 | 0:41:45 | |
He says, "Everybody pees in the pool, | 0:41:45 | 0:41:47 | |
"it's kind of a normal thing to do for swimmers. | 0:41:47 | 0:41:49 | |
"When you're in the water for two hours, | 0:41:49 | 0:41:51 | |
"we don't really get out to pee. Chlorine kills it." | 0:41:51 | 0:41:53 | |
-Two hours?! -What two-hour race has he been in? | 0:41:53 | 0:41:56 | |
They do actually practise. | 0:41:56 | 0:41:58 | |
Well, the fact is, an Olympic-sized swimming pool is actually | 0:41:58 | 0:42:01 | |
two centimetres longer than you think. | 0:42:01 | 0:42:03 | |
And full of piss. | 0:42:03 | 0:42:04 | |
And indeed, almost entirely full of urine. | 0:42:04 | 0:42:07 | |
How old do you have to be to go on a Club 18... | 0:42:07 | 0:42:10 | |
Oh, that must mean that we've come to the end of the show. | 0:42:10 | 0:42:14 | |
Let's look at the scores and see who's tonight's lucky loser. | 0:42:14 | 0:42:18 | |
Well, well, well, well, well. | 0:42:18 | 0:42:20 | |
The clear, outright and extraordinary winner, | 0:42:20 | 0:42:23 | |
with an amazing minus 23 | 0:42:23 | 0:42:26 | |
is Danny Baker! | 0:42:26 | 0:42:27 | |
Hurray, thank you. | 0:42:27 | 0:42:29 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:42:29 | 0:42:31 | |
Thank you. Thank you. Couldn't be more proud. | 0:42:32 | 0:42:35 | |
In second place, with a very, very impressive minus five, | 0:42:35 | 0:42:38 | |
Jeremy Clarkson. | 0:42:38 | 0:42:40 | |
Is that good or bad? APPLAUSE | 0:42:40 | 0:42:43 | |
The wrong side of the ledger with plus three, Sandi Toksvig. | 0:42:44 | 0:42:47 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:42:47 | 0:42:48 | |
But the joker in a pack of 52 cards, | 0:42:53 | 0:42:56 | |
yes, plus 52 for Alan Davies. | 0:42:56 | 0:42:59 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:42:59 | 0:43:00 | |
-The blue whale. -Blue whale. -The blue whale was a very bad, bad call. | 0:43:06 | 0:43:10 | |
That's all from Sandi, Danny, Jeremy, Alan and me. | 0:43:10 | 0:43:14 | |
And I leave you with a last word from actor Edmund Gwenn. | 0:43:14 | 0:43:17 | |
When asked if dying was tough, he said, | 0:43:17 | 0:43:20 | |
"Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy." | 0:43:20 | 0:43:23 | |
Good night. | 0:43:23 | 0:43:24 |