A Medley of Maladies QI XL


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A Medley of Maladies

Quiz show in which the aim is to be interesting. Stephen Fry mulls over some medical matters with Lucy Porter, Ross Noble, Matt Lucas and Alan Davies.


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APPLAUSE

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Goooooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,

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where this week we're under doctor's orders as we dissect a Medley of Maladies.

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Joining me in the waiting room,

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with a 1984 edition of The People's Friend, we have Dr No, Lucy Porter.

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APPLAUSE

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Dr Strangelove, Matt Lucas.

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APPLAUSE

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Dr Zhivago, Ross Noble.

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APPLAUSE

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And Dr Snuggles, Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE

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So, buzzers please, nurse. Lucy goes...

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DR ZHIVAGO THEME TUNE

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For the ignorant nonsenses amongst you,

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that was Dr Zhivago's theme tune. LAUGHTER

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Matt goes...

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DR FINLAY'S CASEBOOK THEME TUNE

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For those under 80, that was Dr Finlay's Casebook.

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So Ross Noble, he goes...

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DR WHO THEME TUNE

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Hmm, no, I don't know what that was. And Alan goes...

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# Oh, doctor, I'm in trouble

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# Well, goodness gracious me... #

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Oh, more of that.

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-Yeah, Goodness Gracious Me.

-Can't get enough of it.

-Well, there you are.

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So, come in, lie down, pop your feet in the stirrups

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and let's see what the trouble is.

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What did Typhoid Mary die of?

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Oh, don't...start!

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LAUGHTER

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DR WHO THEME TUNE Yes, Ross?

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Was it a lack of circulation to her toe?

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That is a possibility.

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Yeah. Is it typhoid?

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-Oh!

-One!

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Her name, as the label around that toe said, was Mary Mallon,

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and she was known as Typhoid Mary.

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What did she die of? It wasn't typhoid.

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Er...why am I interrupting you? I don't even know.

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-That's QI.

-Yeah.

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There was nothing wrong with her. Boredom, she'd had boredom from...

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-Car crash.

-That's what I was going to say.

-Waiting to get typhoid and never getting it.

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-Boredom.

-She had typhoid. She didn't suffer from typhoid.

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But she never had symptoms.

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Yes, thank you. Thank you, Lucy Porter.

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-You're welcome, Stephen Fry.

-She didn't have the symptoms, as Typhoid Mary,

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round about the turn of the century was a cook in New York.

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-An Irish immigrant.

-As the name would suggest, Irish.

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Yeah. And she had typhoid, but no symptoms, she wasn't ill.

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She was immune to it, to all intents and purposes.

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But, she was able to give it to others, and she did.

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30, 40, 50 people, possibly.

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It must have been freezing in that ward with all that snow.

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That's normally on the...

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It's taking... It's taking his mind off the fact he's being

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attacked by an octopus, at the back there.

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Something with trailing legs.

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Presumably they're, they're all lying there going,

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-"Sorry, what did you say your name was? What Mary?"

-Exactly.

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-"Glad to sharing a ward with you."

-Well, the sad thing is that she was not a nice person,

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by any way of looking at it.

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All right, Stephen, she's dead - come on.

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Well, the thing is, she worked in households as a cook

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and people would die of typhoid in the household where she cooked,

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and she would mysteriously leave and take up a job in another one.

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-So she knew that she was a carrier.

-Oh, she was a carrier.

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Because she was put into quarantine, and then she could go free

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as long as she never worked in service again, didn't cook.

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Within weeks, she got another job as a cook, and she tried to

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hide from the authorities, and so she ended up, the last two

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decades of her life in quarantine

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and she died of pneumonia, in fact.

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Ah.

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How did she pass it on? Saliva, fluids, body fluids.

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Oh, because she was, yeah, she had typhoid.

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-She went...

-BREATHES OUT AND MIMES COUGHING

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Yeah. But she actually coughed, anything like that. Yeah.

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-She didn't have to wee in the soup.

-And so her name has become synonymous.

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I don't know about it, I thought it was waterborne. Or was that cholera?

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Well, it's spread by the...

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The germ in question is salmonella typhi.

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The salmonellas.

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I thought you said that it's spread by a German.

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I thought you said, just one German, walking around the place.

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Is that the fella there, is it?

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There it is, yeah.

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-Yeah.

-Unpleasant-looking. Why is it called salmonella?

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Salmon, that's salmon it's from, so it's fishborne.

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They were named by a bacteriologist called Salmon.

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-Oh, of course.

-Dr Daniel Salmon.

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Of course.

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Who also died of pneumonia, as it happens, not of salmonella.

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Well, I'll tell you what, I'm looking at that, I'm never going to eat Wotsits again.

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Now, what's the most deadly thing

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you can find in a doctor's waiting room?

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-And you can look at that picture.

-Oh, a copy of the Daily Telegraph.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm guessing, looking at that example,

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is it the tiny baby bear which has crawled out

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from inside that plant there?

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Oh, is it going to be that lethal water carrier thing in the corner?

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Hang on, right next to a lamp?! Water next to electricity?

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That's a Health and Safety nightmare!

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-POSH VOICE:

-These people are seconds from death, why?

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You've got a fire engine there, you'll be fine.

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-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-That's true.

-On an electrical fire?! Are you mad?!

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LAUGHTER

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-Come on!

-Does she take the pen and stab everyone in the waiting room?

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-That's another...

-That would be dangerous.

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-Actually, Ross got it straightaway.

-Shut your face!

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-It's the bear.

-I knew it was the bear.

-The bear?

-Yeah.

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-Why is it the bear?

-Ha-ha, the murderer is in this very room!

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Well, you can't trust bears. Bears are shifty.

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LAUGHTER

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-Can I say that isn't ACTUALLY a bear.

-Ah.

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-It looks like a bear.

-Well...

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If it were a bear, it would be far and away

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the most dangerous thing in the room. It's...

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I'd say to you, "prove it"!

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It's a soft cuddly toy.

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-Covered in germs! It's a carrier of diseases.

-Yes.

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It's Bear Mary.

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LAUGHTER

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-Big bear's bear, you're right.

-Typhoid bear.

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-Typhoid Beary, yeah.

-Yeah. Typhoid bearer.

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Did you see what she did there?

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Typhoid Bearer, eh? Ha-ha!

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Because a bear can't...

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A bear can't shit in the woods...

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A bear can't be cut... A bear can't...

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I don't know if I can really say this, because it sounds odd,

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but a bear can't be wiped down.

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-LAUGHTER

-You've tried!

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Well, I mean, it can obviously be wiped down.

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You've wiped a lot of bears down. Come on, Stephen.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Not as hygienically as, say, an abacus, is that a Barbie or a Sindy?

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-I'm not really...

-That's a Sindy.

-That's a Sindy.

-Sindy...

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You've got to wipe them down every 45 minutes.

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-Lego tower... Her legs go all the way up.

-The doll, of course...

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-You can chuck in the machine, can't you, your teddy bear?

-I do.

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-You can do what?

-Chuck it in the machine.

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-Chuck it in the machine. On a hot wash, on a boil.

-You can, you can.

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So, are we coming to the conclusion that Pudsey needs to die?

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LAUGHTER

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That's how he lost his eye, because somebody...

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No, he just needs to be boiled. Not killed, just boiled!

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Not too boiled.

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That would be the best opening to Children In Need ever,

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if it was literally cut to Terry Wogan,

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he was just there going, "Ah, good old Pudsey!"

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HE YELLS

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"Give me the money or Pudsey boils."

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There is something very eerie when you put kids' toys in the machine

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and wash them and then you just see their little faces

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-pressed against the glass.

-Aah, and the children sit...

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Because you say to the kids, "You next, yeah."

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The children sit there watching them going round and round.

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-Now we know why it's called Winnie The Pooh.

-Hey, you're right!

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His real name is "Winnie The Filthy Shit".

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, dear!

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Thank you very much.

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APPLAUSE

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13.5% of "hard" toys

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in GP's waiting rooms...

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-Don't google that, whatever you do!

-LAUGHTER

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-Don't google "hard toys"!

-No.

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Don't google "wiping down bears".

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LAUGHTER

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Basically, it's a nightmare, isn't it?

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Certainly not "Winnie The Filthy Shit".

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She's a lovely girl, but she should never have started that website.

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You don't want to see... Not while you're eating, anyway.

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A shocking 90% of soft toys

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had serious moderate to heavy bacterial contamination.

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That's what I want to leave you with.

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LAUGHTER Magazines...

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Why do you think that the magazines

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in doctors' waiting rooms are so dull, so uninteresting?

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Because people steal the good ones, presumably!

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Is the right answer!

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CHEERING Very good!

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APPLAUSE

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It's as simple as that.

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Well, I'm not the only one, then. That is good...

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LAUGHTER

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I would never buy Now or Chat, but if it's there...

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Yeah. Nobody steals New Statesman or The Economist.

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You might be able...

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Where do we stand on the gentleman's literature...

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in the booths...

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at a place of...fluid deposits?

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LAUGHTER

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-The sperm banks?

-That's the word I'm looking for.

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-Are they taken away?

-What I'm saying is, is that, you know,

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-when they provide the...

-HE MUTTERS

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..where does that stand in the... You know...

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Like, on the filth scale, what are we...?

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LAUGHTER

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Because I've only done that once

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and there wasn't literature.

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Strictly speaking, it wasn't a sperm bank, but...

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LAUGHTER

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Hang on, no, no, I... It was a regular doctor...

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It was the sperm building society.

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-It was a...

-It was a regular doctor's?

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-It was a... No, wait...

-You went to the doctor's for a wank?

-Yes!

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No, no, no.

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What happened was, I used to live right out in the bush,

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-right out in the countryside, right, miles away, right.

-Yeah, good!

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LAUGHTER

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-And I needed to do the...

-Were you on a register?

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LAUGHTER

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I am now! But the...

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No, but we lived too far away.

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By the time you've done the deposit in the beaker...

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-Your sperm have died.

-Exactly. By the time you drove in.

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So, my wife just said,

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"Hey, why don't we just go to the regular doctor's

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"and then you nip into the... and then have..."

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and the only thing that was in there was,

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you know on a lady's sanitary bag,

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-they have a picture of a woman in Victorian costume?

-Yes.

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LAUGHTER

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There's very few things that I'm happy to admit in public,

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but I can't look at Mary Poppins in the same way now.

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LAUGHTER

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-I fully, to the... With the...

-You didn't do it in the bag?

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LAUGHTER

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-What I'm saying is...

-Yes?

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What I'm saying is, when a gentleman goes to a sperm bank,

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-and they provide you with...

-No gentleman goes to a sperm bank, sir!

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LAUGHTER

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They provide you with a copy of Smash Hits, The One Direction Special...

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah.

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-That's... Yes.

-Or whatever, yeah.

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I believe that's why Harry Styles's hair goes like that.

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-Something about Harry.

-Right across like that. Yeah.

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APPLAUSE

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So, there we are.

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The most dangerous thing in a waiting room is a cuddly toy.

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Which bits of your bodies could you do without?

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I'm going to give you an example of a human body.

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So, that you can possibly... That's for you two.

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-Kidney, you can lose a kidney, can't you?

-This is for you two. This is...

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That is one of the most macabre

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Bobbleheads I've ever seen. Look at that.

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LAUGHTER

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-"Good afternoon."

-Woohoo!

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-Shall we take out the bits we think?

-Yeah, take out the...

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Take out the bits we think?

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Take out a bit that you think we can do without.

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-You're taking out the entire intestines.

-Stop it.

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LAUGHTER

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There goes the liver. There goes one lung and another.

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I don't know what that is, but it's going.

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ALAN GROANS

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-You got that right.

-He died. It's died.

-That's one dead human.

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Are you offering me a lung? Half a brain.

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No, I was just trying to make a pork pie.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh!

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Fine, it's fine...

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There it is!

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What have you got there? A kidney.

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A kidney. That's what I was looking for!

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It's not good surgical practice to get rid of everything else

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-between you and the kidney.

-I couldn't get to the kidney!

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And now, I can't get it back together again.

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-I'm going to say...

-Nurse!

-Right.

0:13:430:13:46

I'm going to say, if you're a man, you don't... Do you need a nipple?

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It's a very good question, as to why men have nipples at all.

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They look hot when they're pierced, but apart from that.

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I don't really know why else you would need one.

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Well, the fact is that, there are lots of bits you can do without.

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-Tonsils, obviously, you knew that.

-Appendix, you have those out.

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Appendix, you knew that. What else have you come across?

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You've given me a kidney, which is good.

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I can't get it back together again.

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-Gall bladder you could give me. Sinuses.

-Head.

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-Sinuses?

-Yeah.

-You don't need a face.

-Appendix. Testes.

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I mean, obviously, we LIKE having testes, if you're a man,

0:14:170:14:20

but you won't die if they're taken away.

0:14:200:14:22

-Mine hasn't got any testes, sir.

-Uterus.

-Uterus, ovaries,

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-all that shebang.

-You can lose the ovaries.

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-Basically, all you need is a neck.

-Yeah. Half your brain can go.

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In fact, there's an operation, a hemispherectomy.

0:14:300:14:33

-Well you've done very well with that, haven't you?

-Thanks, yes.

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LAUGHTER

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-Congratulations.

-Thank you very much.

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APPLAUSE

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-If you remove...

-Oh, hang on, hair! What about hair?

0:14:420:14:45

Yes. And what do you reckon, Matt?

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LAUGHTER

0:14:490:14:52

Well, I don't know why you're asking me.

0:14:550:14:59

-What happens if I were to remove four fifths of your liver?

-Yeah.

0:14:590:15:02

It would grow back.

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Yes, that's the thing about livers, they do, they regenerate,

0:15:040:15:07

you get that back.

0:15:070:15:08

-Teeth, obviously.

-Bladders can also be regrown, amazingly.

0:15:080:15:11

The bones in your leg, the fibula and tibia,

0:15:110:15:14

the fibula isn't load-bearing,

0:15:140:15:16

so you could lose that and you'd still be able to walk.

0:15:160:15:19

Really? I'll have that out. I'm going to do it.

0:15:190:15:23

Can you name one of the most famous people on earth

0:15:230:15:26

who has gone without a lung since he was a teenager?

0:15:260:15:30

-He, so, it's a he.

-Justin Bieber.

0:15:300:15:33

Possibly more famous than Justin Bieber.

0:15:340:15:36

Barack Obama. No, I can't. I don't know.

0:15:360:15:38

Hang on a minute, more famous than Justin Bieber?

0:15:380:15:41

-Harry Styles?

-Argentinian.

0:15:410:15:45

"I don't know foreign people, what's all this about?!"

0:15:450:15:48

-There's only one truly famous Argentinian.

-"Well, I don't know 'em,

0:15:480:15:51

"I don't know, I tell you, I don't watch that show."

0:15:510:15:53

-Pele.

-Diego Mara...

-Diego Maradona.

0:15:530:15:55

Diego Maradona's the only one I know.

0:15:550:15:57

-No. The Pope! ALL:

-Oh.

0:15:570:15:59

-Oh, yes, he is quite famous!

-Pope Francis, there he is.

0:15:590:16:01

-The Pope, yes.

-Yeah.

-He's only got the one lung?

0:16:010:16:04

He's gone happily without a lung for a long time.

0:16:040:16:06

What happened when they were picking him

0:16:060:16:08

and all that smoke's coming out of the top...

0:16:080:16:10

Oh, I bet he was wheezing up that bit, wasn't he?

0:16:100:16:13

Going "Hey! You're the Pope!"

0:16:130:16:15

He's going, "Oh, oh, me lungs! Oh, me one lung's playing up, mate!"

0:16:150:16:18

Was he born with one lung, or did he have it removed, he lost it?

0:16:180:16:21

As a teenager he had one removed. So, good.

0:16:210:16:24

-Can you pop your bodies away. Did I just say that?

-Yes.

0:16:240:16:26

-Put your bodies away.

-And we just reacted as if that was normal.

0:16:260:16:30

There's your kidney. OK, so, Alan, I've got a question for you.

0:16:300:16:33

It's quite complicated in a way.

0:16:330:16:36

If you had kidney failure...

0:16:360:16:37

Right.

0:16:370:16:39

I would willingly, happily, gladly donate a kidney to you.

0:16:390:16:43

LAUGHTER

0:16:430:16:46

There you are...

0:16:460:16:48

I don't like the way they're looking at me, I must say.

0:16:480:16:51

-So, you've got one of my kidneys, I'm glad...

-Thank you, Stephen.

0:16:510:16:54

There's no greater cause.

0:16:540:16:56

That would leave me with one kidney, obviously.

0:16:560:16:58

How many kidneys would you have?

0:16:580:17:00

Well, I presume that I've lost one,

0:17:000:17:03

one's failed, and you've given me one, so I've got two.

0:17:030:17:07

KLAXON BLARES Oh!

0:17:070:17:09

-It's a strange thing...

-14 years!

0:17:110:17:14

..in the world of renology,

0:17:150:17:17

is that when someone has a kidney transplant...

0:17:170:17:21

-Yes. They take them both out.

-The old one stays in.

0:17:210:17:23

-Oh, does it?

-Yes. So you'd have three.

-Oh.

-Very odd, isn't it?

0:17:230:17:28

-That's greedy, isn't it?

-It's greedy, it seems it.

0:17:280:17:30

There's a case of a man who had repeated transplants

0:17:300:17:33

and he has five kidneys inside him.

0:17:330:17:35

-Enough for a pie, isn't it?

-He's almost a stew.

0:17:350:17:38

LAUGHTER

0:17:380:17:40

Oh, I wish I was wearing a hat,

0:17:440:17:46

I would have taken it off to you for that.

0:17:460:17:48

Here's another handshake.

0:17:480:17:50

Well, there are many body parts that anybody can do without.

0:17:500:17:53

What's wrong with 80% of medical students?

0:17:530:17:56

They're so tired from pole dancing all night...

0:17:590:18:01

LAUGHTER

0:18:010:18:03

..they can't focus.

0:18:050:18:08

They're exhausted from complaining about being tired.

0:18:080:18:11

Well, medical students do get a hard time of it,

0:18:110:18:13

they get very tired, but they have a condition.

0:18:130:18:15

I'm going to say

0:18:150:18:17

that they imagine that they're ill a lot, because they...

0:18:170:18:22

It's what I have, where you read about stuff, and you go,

0:18:220:18:25

"Oh, my God! Totally got that! I've got totally got that!"

0:18:250:18:28

Yes, hypochondria is what it's all about.

0:18:280:18:30

And medical students tend to believe they have the disease of the week.

0:18:300:18:34

Each week, they learn about some extraordinary new condition

0:18:340:18:39

and they believe they have it.

0:18:390:18:41

And vets get that as well and they think they've got myxomatosis.

0:18:410:18:44

LAUGHTER

0:18:440:18:45

If you were a vet, then you'd end up just loving your ball.

0:18:450:18:48

LAUGHTER

0:18:480:18:50

"Oh, he loves his food, don't you, Doctor?" "Yeah!"

0:18:520:18:56

"Stop licking that, Doctor, stop licking it!"

0:18:580:19:00

"He doesn't mind, he likes it!"

0:19:000:19:01

LAUGHTER Yeah, it's called Medical Student Syndrome,

0:19:010:19:05

and it was first identified in 1908,

0:19:050:19:07

so it's well over 100 years old.

0:19:070:19:09

If they read about Medical Student Syndrome,

0:19:090:19:11

they will also believe they've got that.

0:19:110:19:13

-They'll think they've got everything.

-Even if they haven't,

0:19:130:19:16

they will then get it. So, it's long been recognised.

0:19:160:19:20

The worst case scenario is always death.

0:19:200:19:23

It could be, you may just have a headache,

0:19:230:19:25

-or it may be a terminal brain tumour.

-Yeah.

0:19:250:19:28

We just don't know. Good day.

0:19:280:19:29

When you smell something that isn't there and no-one else can smell,

0:19:290:19:32

Like, "Can you smell burning rubber or burning hair?"

0:19:320:19:34

And they go, "No. Oh, you might have a brain tumour."

0:19:340:19:37

-Yeah. Or you're pregnant.

-Or your head might be on fire!

0:19:370:19:40

Oh, yeah.

0:19:400:19:41

"I can smell burning hair." "Yeah, you want to put that out, mate."

0:19:410:19:45

Yeah, possibly.

0:19:450:19:47

Who might be having sex

0:19:470:19:49

on your face

0:19:490:19:51

right now?

0:19:510:19:52

LAUGHTER

0:19:520:19:54

Kim and Kanye?

0:19:540:19:55

-In your dreams!

-They love it!

0:19:580:20:00

Who is having sex on your face right now?

0:20:000:20:04

-Bacteria. It's usually bacteria, go with me on this.

-Mites.

0:20:040:20:08

Mites, you said mites. Mites was the right answer.

0:20:080:20:11

-Mites.

-Mites.

0:20:110:20:13

-Well, it MIGHT be.

-Let's... Hey!

0:20:130:20:16

-Mites, maybe.

-Let's consider this.

0:20:160:20:19

There are mites that live on the human face.

0:20:190:20:22

They, unfortunately...

0:20:230:20:24

They're disgusted already, don't go any further!

0:20:240:20:27

Only 14% of them are visible to the human eye,

0:20:270:20:30

-most of them are not. ALL:

-14%?!

0:20:300:20:33

-Yes.

-Visible?

-Yeah. Listening very closely.

0:20:330:20:35

What, just... "I like your moustache!"

0:20:350:20:37

And then it starts curling up like that.

0:20:370:20:40

HE JABBERS

0:20:400:20:41

Not that visible, I mean, they're really, really tiny.

0:20:410:20:45

They're very small. They have no anuses.

0:20:450:20:48

Oh, thank God for that!

0:20:480:20:50

No!

0:20:500:20:51

I don't mind the intercourse, it's the shitting I can't stand.

0:20:510:20:54

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:540:20:57

Unfortunately, Alan, the fact they have no anuses means

0:20:580:21:01

that when they die,

0:21:010:21:03

a whole lifetime's waste is deposited on your face.

0:21:030:21:07

LAUGHTER

0:21:070:21:09

That's what happens.

0:21:090:21:10

Is this 14% waste you can see?

0:21:100:21:13

No. But what percentage of human...

0:21:130:21:15

That's a lovely tan you've got there, Stephen.

0:21:150:21:18

LAUGHTER

0:21:180:21:21

You may be right.

0:21:240:21:26

But what percentage, tracking that waste,

0:21:270:21:30

voided at the death of the mite,

0:21:300:21:32

on account of its having no anus,

0:21:320:21:34

what percentage of human beings

0:21:340:21:36

has been calculated to have mites on their face?

0:21:360:21:39

-Oh, I know this.

-Yeah?

-But I'm not going to tell you.

0:21:390:21:43

Oh, I'll guess at either 12 or 86.

0:21:430:21:47

-Any other thoughts?

-High.

-0.1%.

-High.

-91%.

0:21:490:21:51

No, the answer is 100%.

0:21:510:21:53

-Oh...

-We all have these mites on our faces.

0:21:530:21:58

LAUGHTER All of us, all of us.

0:21:580:22:01

And there's nothing... You can't wash them out,

0:22:010:22:04

-they're perfectly happy to have water...

-Her Majesty the Queen?

-Yes.

0:22:040:22:08

-Her Majesty the Queen has...

-Royal mites.

0:22:080:22:11

..has anus-less mites wandering about willy nilly on her face?

0:22:110:22:14

Jawohl! German mites!

0:22:140:22:16

Unbelievable!

0:22:160:22:18

Her Royal Highness?!

0:22:180:22:20

Yeah, I know. Hard to believe, isn't it?

0:22:200:22:23

But there it is, we all have mites on our face,

0:22:230:22:25

but there are also, some people believe two thirds

0:22:250:22:27

and other scientists believe 98% of us have eyebrow mites.

0:22:270:22:32

Although one of us here,

0:22:320:22:35

one of us here won't have eyebrow mites.

0:22:350:22:39

Matt might not have eyebrows.

0:22:390:22:41

So, he doesn't, so he doesn't!

0:22:410:22:44

I don't got no eyebrows, cos...

0:22:440:22:46

Mum says it's cos I'm special.

0:22:460:22:48

LAUGHTER

0:22:480:22:50

-Well, you are special.

-I am.

-You are.

0:22:500:22:54

I lost my hair when I was six.

0:22:540:22:56

Was it traumatic? Did you bang your head or something?

0:22:560:22:58

-Well you know, Duncan Goodhew fell out of a tree.

-Yeah.

0:22:580:23:02

Well, it was my head he landed on and my hair...

0:23:020:23:05

Hey! No, because.

0:23:050:23:07

Why? I think it's an overactive immune system,

0:23:070:23:10

that something happened,

0:23:100:23:12

then something inside me said, "Right, we don't need no hair!"

0:23:120:23:15

-Like I'm not...

-And treated your hair as a foreign invader.

0:23:150:23:19

Yeah, maybe it was just a warm day,

0:23:190:23:21

and we didn't have the window open, I don't know.

0:23:210:23:23

Maybe you're just a super-evolved human,

0:23:230:23:25

because we don't really need hair and we're all going...

0:23:250:23:28

No, we do, this country's cold!

0:23:280:23:30

LAUGHTER

0:23:300:23:33

We do, we do.

0:23:330:23:35

I suffer, I do suffer.

0:23:350:23:37

Well, I would say, I mean, I feel your pain,

0:23:370:23:40

but I would say that I'm quite a hairy-chested man,

0:23:400:23:43

and with small children, when you're holding a small child,

0:23:430:23:46

they like to grab a hold of the chest hair and then just lean back.

0:23:460:23:51

LAUGHTER Ow. You don't want that.

0:23:510:23:54

And it's when you've got a beautiful little face just there,

0:23:540:23:57

-just looking at you and you go...

-HE SCREAMS

-..into it.

0:23:570:24:00

-Apparently, that's not good for raising a child.

-Right.

0:24:020:24:05

-You're trying to make me feel better?

-Yeah.

-Well, you didn't,

0:24:050:24:08

because I'm gay. I don't have children, I'm very lonely.

0:24:080:24:11

AUDIENCE: Ahhh.

0:24:110:24:12

All right, then, well here's the thing,

0:24:120:24:14

-we'll work out a time-share thing.

-OK.

0:24:140:24:17

-I will make you a chest wig out of my own chest hair...

-Yes.

0:24:170:24:22

-And glue it onto you.

-All right.

0:24:220:24:24

-And then allow my children to rip it off.

-OK.

0:24:240:24:27

I'm all about equality, I want you to feel the pain

0:24:270:24:29

-of having your tits ripped off by a small child.

-All right.

0:24:290:24:33

And I will arrange for a whole group of men

0:24:330:24:35

-to come and have sex with you.

-Marvellous!

0:24:350:24:38

APPLAUSE

0:24:380:24:41

Wow! Marvellous. You were there, ladies and gentlemen.

0:24:430:24:47

Now, which of your organs most resembles an elephant's trunk?

0:24:470:24:51

Come on.

0:24:510:24:53

LAUGHTER

0:24:530:24:55

Oh, God.

0:24:550:24:56

-Go on, who wants it? Alan, Ross, me?

-No, no, no, no.

0:24:560:24:59

-Who wants it?

-Go on, you go on.

0:24:590:25:01

I'm just trying to think of the most humorous way to phrase it.

0:25:010:25:05

Yeah, well, no, it's not. It's not penis. It isn't.

0:25:060:25:08

-Of course, it isn't. Well...

-Isn't it? Nose?

-Can your penis do that?

0:25:080:25:12

An elephant's penis...

0:25:120:25:13

It may, there may be it's a dangling, pendulous appendage, your penis,

0:25:130:25:19

and so is a trunk, but really,

0:25:190:25:21

truly resembling in structure.

0:25:210:25:23

That's not one there, is it? Down the bottom there?

0:25:230:25:25

It's swinging, yes.

0:25:250:25:27

-That's it, that's the...

-He's got tusks down there...

0:25:270:25:30

-There's a lot going on...

-Stephen, move out of the way.

0:25:300:25:33

The, yeah, no, the elephant can...

0:25:330:25:35

-It has a...

-Yeah.

0:25:350:25:38

Good God!

0:25:380:25:39

-Yes, all right. All right, class.

-It has a...

0:25:390:25:44

Very amusing. There's an animal that has organs of generation,

0:25:440:25:47

let's laugh at that for a long time.

0:25:470:25:49

-Hmm.

-Yeah, but it is quite funny.

-It is funny, though.

0:25:490:25:52

LAUGHTER

0:25:520:25:54

HE GIGGLES

0:25:550:25:57

The elephant, this is...

0:25:570:25:59

And this is true this,

0:25:590:26:01

-the elephant is the only mammal that has a chin.

-Yes.

0:26:010:26:04

Well, what about humans?!

0:26:060:26:07

LAUGHTER

0:26:070:26:09

Well, yeah, obviously, apart from humans.

0:26:090:26:11

-Apart from humans. Bruce Forsyth.

-He's got two.

0:26:110:26:14

Exactly, if he was an elephant. Imagine that.

0:26:140:26:16

But what is it about the trunk that... What is...?

0:26:160:26:19

We have an organ that is like the trunk.

0:26:190:26:21

Is it the "prehensility", is that a word?

0:26:210:26:23

African elephants have almost like lips

0:26:230:26:26

which can pick up a blade of grass,

0:26:260:26:28

prehensile kind of little bits there,

0:26:280:26:31

but the actual tongue itself is interesting, it's a muscle.

0:26:310:26:34

-Oh, hang on, so what about the lip?

-I mean, the trunk.

0:26:340:26:37

-Ah, have you given us a hint?

-The trunk is...

-Ah, the tongue!

0:26:370:26:40

-The trunk and our tongue is the same.

-Ah.

-So what about...?

0:26:400:26:43

Our tongue is also a muscle. It's a muscular hydrostat.

0:26:430:26:46

The reason the trunk can take on any shape is because it's all muscle.

0:26:460:26:50

And mostly water, which you wouldn't think of a muscle, but it's true.

0:26:500:26:54

And water can't be compressed, of course,

0:26:540:26:57

liquids cannot be compressed.

0:26:570:26:58

I've had a Capri-Sun

0:26:580:27:00

and they've got that packet,

0:27:000:27:02

-and they carry it around.

-You can put them under pressure, but they will burst out.

0:27:020:27:05

So, that means like, so you can pull a muscle, so does that mean

0:27:050:27:08

that sometimes an elephant will be flicking away and...

0:27:080:27:11

And pull his tongue.

0:27:110:27:12

And he'll go, "Ow! I've cramped-up me trunk!"

0:27:120:27:15

-It's a horrible thought.

-And they have to rub a bit of Deep Heat.

0:27:150:27:18

You have to go some to pull a muscle in your tongue though, don't you?

0:27:180:27:22

Well, while on the subject of muscles,

0:27:220:27:25

which of us here has the strongest muscle?

0:27:250:27:27

Well, it's bound to be the lady, isn't it?

0:27:270:27:30

I don't look like that.

0:27:300:27:32

-Yeah, for the birthing.

-Yes, so, which muscle would it be?

0:27:320:27:36

Pelvic floor? They're always going on about the pelvic floor.

0:27:360:27:39

LAUGHTER

0:27:390:27:40

-It's the uterus.

-Oh, the uterus!

-The uterus is a muscle. Yeah.

-Yes.

0:27:400:27:44

And of all the muscles in the human body,

0:27:440:27:47

it exerts the most pressure, pound for pound.

0:27:470:27:50

The amount of force that it exerts is the equivalent to a long bow,

0:27:500:27:55

-so if you imagine someone...

-Good God!

0:27:550:27:57

Pray God, I'm looking under the desk going,

0:27:570:28:00

"Don't have a long bow under there, please."

0:28:000:28:02

I am not prepared to do that!

0:28:020:28:03

Is that why when my wife went into labour she put an apple on my head?

0:28:030:28:06

LAUGHTER

0:28:060:28:08

Well, the jaw can exert pressure which is extremely high

0:28:090:28:14

and 500 pounds per square inch, roughly, which is enormous.

0:28:140:28:18

And the gluteus maximus is the largest muscle in the human body,

0:28:180:28:21

the buttock muscle. But it is the uterus that wins the prize.

0:28:210:28:25

Now, you mentioned the gluteus maximus,

0:28:250:28:27

the arse muscles there.

0:28:270:28:29

This is a true thing, right.

0:28:290:28:31

It is physically impossible for the human buttocks to break an egg.

0:28:310:28:37

-LAUGHTER

-That is true.

0:28:370:28:40

That is absolutely 100% true

0:28:400:28:43

and I've tried it, and...

0:28:430:28:45

-And the beautiful thing...

-You put it in the crack in the cleavage?

0:28:470:28:50

As much as you want.

0:28:500:28:51

He's not allowed to work in kitchens any more.

0:28:510:28:55

And he keeps going back like Typhoid Mary.

0:28:550:28:57

Yeah, if you put the egg between the buttocks,

0:28:590:29:02

and then it doesn't matter how hard you squeeze,

0:29:020:29:04

impossible to crack the egg.

0:29:040:29:06

Now, here's the thing, I know that to be true,

0:29:060:29:08

there might be people watching this who question that.

0:29:080:29:10

But I like to think all over the country...

0:29:100:29:12

People are now introducing eggs into the area.

0:29:120:29:16

Heading for the kitchen,

0:29:160:29:18

"Is Noble lying or not?" Hmm.

0:29:180:29:20

I mean, if you've got somebody lying there, you put an egg there,

0:29:200:29:23

if somebody else is there to go like that.

0:29:230:29:24

Ah, but then that's not the muscle doing it.

0:29:240:29:27

-Ah, OK, yeah.

-That's the point.

0:29:270:29:29

It's the muscle, can you by a twitch, a pulling in?

0:29:290:29:32

-Exactly.

-I'm doing it now.

0:29:320:29:35

-LAUGHTER

-I think the worry would be...

0:29:350:29:38

Underneath... Oh, that Cadbury's Creme Egg is gone.

0:29:380:29:41

LAUGHTER

0:29:410:29:42

That's probably melting rather than...

0:29:420:29:44

The worry is that you do it and the egg could go right up.

0:29:440:29:47

-That's a worry?

-You see, that's interesting.

0:29:470:29:50

LAUGHTER

0:29:500:29:52

APPLAUSE

0:29:520:29:53

Sorry.

0:29:530:29:54

So, yes, your tongue is a muscular hydrostat,

0:29:580:30:02

like an elephant's trunk.

0:30:020:30:04

What's the difference between "post-orgasmic illness syndrome"

0:30:040:30:09

and "floppy trunk syndrome"?

0:30:090:30:11

GIGGLING

0:30:110:30:12

It was a mistake to choose the blue costume, wasn't it?

0:30:140:30:17

-Those pink ones are floppy trunks, technically.

-Yes.

0:30:190:30:22

He needs a bra, doesn't he, that fella...

0:30:220:30:24

-It's show-casing the medal lovely though, isn't it?

-Yeah.

0:30:250:30:29

LAUGHTER

0:30:290:30:31

Are these human conditions?

0:30:310:30:33

In the case of floppy trunk syndrome,

0:30:330:30:35

I can tell you that it's not a human condition,

0:30:350:30:38

-you'll be pleased to know.

-Is it an elephant?

0:30:380:30:40

It is a condition that affects elephants,

0:30:400:30:43

a very unhappy condition, affects African elephants.

0:30:430:30:46

They can't do anything, without that, can they?

0:30:460:30:48

No, they absolutely can't.

0:30:480:30:50

It just seems to lose all power and it flops

0:30:500:30:52

and they often push it over their heads to keep it out of the way...

0:30:520:30:55

-What, flick it away?

-..to stop it trailing on the ground.

0:30:550:30:58

And then the lady elephant says, "Don't worry, it's happened before."

0:30:580:31:02

-Yes, leaf through these books.

-Doesn't matter.

0:31:020:31:04

And they have to half immerse themselves in water just to drink.

0:31:040:31:07

They can't eat properly, they get emaciated

0:31:070:31:10

and they're very often put to death

0:31:100:31:11

as a kind of mercy killing, because there's no cure for it

0:31:110:31:14

and there's no understanding of where it comes from.

0:31:140:31:16

There must be some kind of erectile dysfunction technology

0:31:160:31:20

-that could help.

-I suppose, it's a muscle after all, therefore...

0:31:200:31:24

What you don't want is it suddenly shooting straight up.

0:31:240:31:27

LAUGHTER

0:31:270:31:29

That's equally useless.

0:31:290:31:30

It's true, that is just hopeless.

0:31:320:31:34

"Equally useless" is a very good phrase.

0:31:340:31:38

It can't get out from the tree.

0:31:380:31:40

LAUGHTER

0:31:400:31:41

So that's your floppy trunk syndrome.

0:31:410:31:44

What's your post-orgasmic illness?

0:31:440:31:45

-I presume that does affect humans rather than...

-This is human, yeah.

0:31:450:31:49

Is it those feelings of revulsion that you get after...

0:31:490:31:51

Yes, yeah, absolutely.

0:31:510:31:53

Where you're just saying, "I don't even care what is,

0:31:530:31:55

-"I don't know the name, I just want them to leave."

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:31:550:31:59

You can say, "Just here, please, driver," and get out.

0:31:590:32:04

This is a worse version. These are the symptoms.

0:32:040:32:07

After sex, flu-like symptoms,

0:32:070:32:08

rashes, itching, exhaustion and concentration difficulties,

0:32:080:32:13

Alan.

0:32:130:32:14

I'm sorry?

0:32:150:32:17

It happens to men

0:32:170:32:18

and it's believed to be a result of being allergic to your own semen.

0:32:180:32:24

Ah.

0:32:240:32:26

Not because you've drunk it or tasted it,

0:32:260:32:28

though let's face it, which of us hasn't?

0:32:280:32:31

It's...

0:32:310:32:33

Oh... Oh, dear.

0:32:330:32:35

Did I mis...? Did I misjudge?

0:32:350:32:37

Stephen, Stephen, my mum's sitting just up there.

0:32:380:32:42

-Oh! I'm sorry.

-She told me not to do this show.

0:32:420:32:44

I am so sorry.

0:32:440:32:46

See if you can guess the cure for being allergic to your own semen?

0:32:460:32:50

Introduced onto your skin or anything like that,

0:32:500:32:52

it caused the problem.

0:32:520:32:54

To solve it, because you know, like, if you're like allergic to cats

0:32:540:32:59

-and you slowly bring a cat closer...

-Yes.

-Is it the same thing?

0:32:590:33:03

-Yes.

-Do you just...?

-Yes, it is.

-You stand on your head and, well...?

0:33:030:33:06

Well, you don't have to do that,

0:33:060:33:08

-you ask a doctor to do it for you.

-Oh, God, no!

0:33:080:33:10

Multiple subcutaneous injections of your own semen.

0:33:100:33:14

Well, I've injected into others, but not into myself.

0:33:140:33:18

Oh!

0:33:180:33:20

I would...

0:33:200:33:21

How dare you?! Your mum's in tonight!

0:33:210:33:23

Oh, yeah, sorry, Mum. Sorry.

0:33:230:33:25

I'd be less comfortable injecting into myself,

0:33:250:33:28

I don't think it would reach.

0:33:280:33:29

Right, yes, absolutely, completely.

0:33:290:33:31

Oh, don't go coy, now, Stephen Fry! You brought it up!

0:33:310:33:35

Why, on this picture of sperm, have they blotted out all the faces?

0:33:350:33:38

LAUGHTER

0:33:380:33:40

Good question.

0:33:400:33:42

Well, that seems to be the problem with multiple...

0:33:420:33:44

Oh, post-orgasmic syndrome.

0:33:440:33:47

LAUGHTER

0:33:470:33:50

I imagine the effort, the physical effort.

0:33:500:33:52

Another unfortunate allergy is suffered by Ian Wragg,

0:33:520:33:55

spelled W-R-A-G-G,

0:33:550:33:57

a Yorkshire magician,

0:33:570:33:59

-who is allergic to the rabbits that he pulls out of the hat.

-Aah.

0:33:590:34:01

Well, why doesn't he pull out cocker spaniels, or kittens or...

0:34:010:34:06

That must be brilliant though, seeing his show.

0:34:060:34:08

Because the top hat, if he puts his hand in,

0:34:080:34:11

his hand comes out twice the size.

0:34:110:34:13

He doesn't even need to pull the rabbit out.

0:34:150:34:18

-"Look at this, kids!"

-HE YELLS

0:34:180:34:20

We had a lady who came in to work on Little Britain,

0:34:220:34:25

an animal handler, and she was terrified of...

0:34:250:34:29

Is that for bringing in David Walliams? "Here he is!"

0:34:290:34:33

-HE GROWLS

-"Oh!"

0:34:340:34:37

It was...

0:34:370:34:38

I'm diplomatically not laughing, but I'm laughing inside.

0:34:380:34:41

And this animal handler was terrified of mice

0:34:430:34:46

and she had mice on the show.

0:34:460:34:47

-She was like... "Ugh, ugh!"

-No?

-Yeah.

0:34:470:34:50

And I just thought, "Pick another job, there's a lot of other jobs."

0:34:500:34:53

-It's ridiculous.

-Yeah, I know.

-That's very funny.

0:34:530:34:56

I once worked with an animal handler who,

0:34:560:34:58

he had a parrot on his shoulder

0:34:580:35:00

and he was chatting away

0:35:000:35:01

and then every now and again,

0:35:010:35:03

the parrot would just steal his hearing aid.

0:35:030:35:05

LAUGHTER

0:35:050:35:08

And every time he did it, he looked at him as if to go,

0:35:080:35:11

"Oh, my parrot's just stolen my hearing aid."

0:35:110:35:13

And then he had to try and get it back off the parrot...

0:35:130:35:16

"The parrot's got it." "What?"

0:35:160:35:18

"The parrot's got it." "What? Oh..."

0:35:180:35:20

-Well, there you go.

-"I've got it... What?"

0:35:200:35:23

That's one of the worst things an elephant can suffer from,

0:35:230:35:26

it's floppy trunk syndrome.

0:35:260:35:29

Who has the best teeth in the world?

0:35:290:35:31

-I really like this question and the answer.

-The Bee Gees.

0:35:310:35:33

-Bee Gees, they have good teeth.

-John Bishop?

0:35:330:35:36

-I'm looking for a nation, I'm looking for a people.

-Americans.

0:35:360:35:40

KLAXON BLARES Who did you say, Americans? No.

0:35:400:35:43

No, I didn't say that.

0:35:430:35:44

Is it Scandinavian, it must be the Scandinavians...

0:35:440:35:47

-No.

-Oh, no, it'll be...

-The English.

-It'll be the...

0:35:470:35:50

-Yes! The British.

-Yeah!

-The British have the best teeth in the world!

0:35:500:35:53

CHEERING

0:35:530:35:55

It's true. According to...

0:35:550:35:58

We win again!

0:35:580:36:00

According to the OECD,

0:36:000:36:01

the Organisation of Economic Co-operation and Development,

0:36:010:36:05

-international body.

-Well remembered.

0:36:050:36:07

They looked at all the different nations of the Earth

0:36:070:36:10

and they found that, according to fillings and decay, and so on,

0:36:100:36:13

that British children had the best teeth on Planet Earth!

0:36:130:36:19

Did they just go to one particular school in Notting Hill?

0:36:190:36:21

I don't think so. I think it was...

0:36:210:36:23

Yeah, they said that's because we've got less fillings,

0:36:230:36:26

it may be because we don't go to the dentist at all.

0:36:260:36:29

-"Fewer" fillings.

-Fewer fillings.

0:36:290:36:31

-Ooh! Stephen...

-I was just being silly.

0:36:310:36:34

-Knock knock.

-Yeah, who's there?

0:36:340:36:36

-To.

-To who?

0:36:360:36:37

No, it's "to whom".

0:36:370:36:39

LAUGHTER

0:36:390:36:41

APPLAUSE Yes, touche!

0:36:410:36:43

-Yes.

-Tou-bloody-che!

0:36:430:36:45

Yes. Yes.

0:36:450:36:47

-Oh, I love that.

-LAUGHTER

0:36:470:36:49

But, actually, you could argue that the best teeth in the world

0:36:490:36:53

-are in fact not human, but the limpet.

-The limpet.

0:36:530:36:57

-What's so great about limpets' teeth?

-They get them stuck in a rock.

0:36:570:37:00

Yeah, they're on their tongue

0:37:000:37:01

and they're the strongest biological matter on Earth.

0:37:010:37:05

Incredible power. To give you an example...

0:37:050:37:08

-"Limpets' teeth"?

-Limpets' teeth.

0:37:080:37:10

Now how do they compare, on the scale, bees' knees, limpets' teeth?

0:37:100:37:14

Where are we on the scale there?

0:37:140:37:19

Well, it's about hanging things from spaghetti.

0:37:190:37:23

-Right.

-Right.

0:37:230:37:25

The "bees' knees", I have to tell you,

0:37:250:37:27

is just an American way of expressing

0:37:270:37:30

when immigrants from Italy and other places said, "It's the business."

0:37:300:37:34

It's the "beesness".

0:37:340:37:35

-Oh.

-Became "bees' knees",

0:37:350:37:37

So, it's not really anything to do with the knee of a bee, as such.

0:37:370:37:41

Oh, what about, "It's-a the dog's-a bollocks!"

0:37:410:37:43

LAUGHTER

0:37:430:37:46

But their teeth strength is the equivalent of

0:37:460:37:49

a single string of spaghetti

0:37:490:37:52

holding up 3,000 half-kilo bags of sugar.

0:37:520:37:57

-Or 1,500 kilo bags.

-LAUGHTER

0:37:570:38:00

Aaah, right.

0:38:000:38:02

So. Moving on.

0:38:020:38:04

And now, as is our general practice,

0:38:060:38:08

it's time to prescribe a dose of General Ignorance.

0:38:080:38:12

Fingers on buzzers.

0:38:120:38:13

What did Gabriele Falloppio call these?

0:38:130:38:17

DR ZHIVAGO THEME TUNE Yes, Lucy?

0:38:180:38:21

"My bloody tubes."

0:38:210:38:22

"My bloody tubes!"

0:38:220:38:24

He didn't call them tubes. DR FINLAY'S CASEBOOK THEME TUNE

0:38:240:38:27

Are they those, what do they call it, Beats?

0:38:270:38:30

Those headphones, the Beats.

0:38:300:38:32

LAUGHTER

0:38:320:38:34

-Fallopians by Dre.

-Yeah.

-Dr Dre.

0:38:340:38:37

Fallopian tubes, we think of.

0:38:370:38:40

-Yeah.

-But Falloppio...

-He called them something else.

0:38:400:38:43

He thought, when he identified these shapes inside the lady person...

0:38:430:38:47

A lady's pipes.

0:38:470:38:48

Yeah, he thought they reminded him of what were

0:38:480:38:51

in those days rather long musical instruments

0:38:510:38:53

with an end like a trumpet's bell, these were tubas.

0:38:530:38:56

And so he called them "tubas".

0:38:560:38:59

And if you have a tuba,

0:38:590:39:01

if you have a word ending in A in Italian,

0:39:010:39:05

how do you pluralise it? What is two "tuba"?

0:39:050:39:08

-Tube.

-"Tube."

-Tube.

0:39:080:39:10

Tube. With an E on the end, spelled T-U-B-E.

0:39:100:39:13

So, when it went around the world as his "tube", his "tubas",

0:39:130:39:18

people saw the word "tube".

0:39:180:39:19

-But, in fact, he had called them "tubas".

-Gosh!

0:39:190:39:22

So now, when a lady breaks wind,

0:39:220:39:23

she can say, "I'm sorry, "it's just my fallopian tubas."

0:39:230:39:26

-ALAN PARPS

-Just the old tuba.

0:39:260:39:27

-HE PARPS

-Sorry about my tuba.

-Her tube.

0:39:270:39:29

That's quite interesting, a reasonably interesting piece.

0:39:290:39:32

-That is quite interesting.

-Quite interesting, yes.

0:39:320:39:34

He also gave the world the condom.

0:39:340:39:36

He was 16th century, so it was in 1540s and '50s.

0:39:360:39:39

-What were they made of, then?

-I will show you. This. Linen.

0:39:390:39:42

Oh, is it the old pig's bladder?

0:39:420:39:43

-Would you like to play with a condom?

-What, is that a real one?

0:39:430:39:46

No, that's not a real one.

0:39:460:39:47

No, made by our director's wife, as a matter of fact.

0:39:470:39:50

HE PUFFS

0:39:530:39:56

I love blowing up a condom, don't you?

0:39:560:39:58

Falloppio was very...

0:39:580:40:00

Didn't answer.

0:40:000:40:01

..ahead of his time.

0:40:010:40:02

A condom for you, there you are.

0:40:020:40:04

He was very ahead of his time.

0:40:040:40:05

He reckoned that the use of these would save a lot of deaths

0:40:050:40:10

and infections from syphilis.

0:40:100:40:12

And he actually gave...

0:40:120:40:14

1,100 men, he gave condoms

0:40:140:40:18

and none of them developed syphilis.

0:40:180:40:20

Not one of those men got pregnant. Very good.

0:40:200:40:24

-And I'll tell you what, keep you warm, wouldn't it.

-Yeah.

0:40:240:40:26

-Yeah, it's...

-Not right for the woman, because it's quite abrasive.

0:40:260:40:30

-Well, yes.

-Well...

-LUCY GIGGLES

0:40:300:40:33

Yes, I don't know. Oh, Lucy! My!

0:40:350:40:37

Well, it seems that a fallopian tube

0:40:370:40:40

should really have been a fallopian tuba.

0:40:400:40:43

So, which of these couples is most likely to catch a cold?

0:40:450:40:48

Couple on the left, because you get more of it from contact with hands.

0:40:480:40:53

-You're right.

-Yeah, because then you scratch your eyes and you...

0:40:530:40:56

-That's exactly the point.

-Yes.

0:40:560:40:58

Mucus and the nose, and people who do that who've got a cold.

0:40:580:41:01

They get left everywhere on door handles.

0:41:010:41:03

They shake hands with someone. But saliva is not a problem,

0:41:030:41:06

as far as cold transmission is concerned, at all.

0:41:060:41:08

-Really? Saliva, what you can't, oh...?

-No.

0:41:080:41:10

You can osculate as much as you like,

0:41:100:41:12

you can give it good French and you won't necessarily get a cold from it.

0:41:120:41:16

-You may get another disease, but...

-Who's that? I've seen her.

0:41:160:41:19

-What's her name?

-It's Dame Vera Lynn.

0:41:190:41:21

In the blue, I've seen her. Oh, um, on the stamp, that's it.

0:41:210:41:24

Look at her face, covered in mites! Look at it!

0:41:240:41:28

LAUGHTER

0:41:280:41:30

Disgusting!

0:41:300:41:31

You disgust me, Your Majesty! You disgust me!

0:41:310:41:34

Look at Dame Vera Lynn there, you could eat your dinner off her face!

0:41:340:41:38

That's why we won the war.

0:41:380:41:40

-She's let the country down with those mites.

-Yeah.

0:41:400:41:43

Look at Terry Wogan leaning forward going,

0:41:430:41:45

"Oh, Jesus, I poked his eye out,

0:41:450:41:47

"I put him in a pan and boiled his head!"

0:41:470:41:49

LAUGHTER

0:41:490:41:51

Anyway, this could go on for ever, but it mustn't.

0:41:510:41:53

It mustn't, and it won't, and it shan't and shut up!

0:41:530:41:56

So, you're more likely to catch a cold

0:41:560:41:58

from holding someone's hand than tickling their tonsils.

0:41:580:42:02

Here's an easy question, what's a hip fracture?

0:42:020:42:06

It's cracking the hip bone?

0:42:060:42:08

Is it not really a fracture and that's why you're asking us...?

0:42:080:42:10

KLAXON BLARES

0:42:100:42:12

-A fracture of the hip.

-Oh, I see.

0:42:120:42:15

-A hip fracture is not a fracture of the hip.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:42:150:42:17

It's weird to say this, but it's true.

0:42:170:42:20

A hip fracture is a fracture of the femur, of the long thigh bone,

0:42:200:42:23

-there.

-OK, but, what if you actually fracture your hip, you'll...

0:42:230:42:26

That's a pelvic fracture.

0:42:260:42:27

But what if you actually fracture your pelvis? We could go on...

0:42:270:42:30

-I know, I know.

-It's a different name for every one!

0:42:300:42:33

I know, it does seem mad, it's a question that was designed

0:42:330:42:36

simply to get points out of Alan and it worked, and so...

0:42:360:42:38

God, well, no wonder the doctors are going mad.

0:42:380:42:41

Yeah, it is a bit peculiar, I grant you.

0:42:410:42:43

And we now come coughing and spluttering

0:42:430:42:45

to the most heavily doctored part of the whole evening - the scores.

0:42:450:42:51

Oh, my. Well, in first place, with not a cough, not a tickle,

0:42:510:42:56

clear skin, free of mites,

0:42:560:42:58

on 9 points, it's Lucy Porter.

0:42:580:43:00

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:000:43:03

I thank you.

0:43:030:43:04

I know.

0:43:040:43:07

In second place, almost as healthy,

0:43:070:43:09

it's Ross Noble on 7 points!

0:43:090:43:11

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:110:43:14

On -5, with a tickly throat,

0:43:160:43:19

and not looking too well,

0:43:190:43:21

it's Matt Lucas.

0:43:210:43:23

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:230:43:24

Thank you.

0:43:240:43:25

And groaning and wheezing

0:43:290:43:33

at death's door on -44, Alan Davies.

0:43:330:43:37

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-What?!

0:43:370:43:40

So, it only remains for me to thank Matt, Ross, Lucy and Alan.

0:43:460:43:50

I leave you with the words of Rodney Dangerfield.

0:43:500:43:53

"When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother."

0:43:530:43:57

Goodnight.

0:43:570:43:59