Naming Names QI XL

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to QI,

where this week the name of the game is Naming Names.

There's an old Chinese proverb that says,

"The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names."

So let's get off on the right foot by naming my guests.

A household name - Romesh Ranganathan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A rose by any other name - Cariad Lloyd.

-Ahh!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A name to conjure with - Phill Jupitus.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And old what's-his-name -

Alan Davies!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, this week, their buzzers are their porn names, OK?

So that's... If you've not played that game,

it's the first pet's name and mother's maiden name.

So Phill goes...

BASS RIFF

-GRAVELLY MALE VOICE:

-'Hi, it's Schroeder Swan.'

That's quite sexy. Very sexy.

I don't know how much you paid that bloke,

but I'd have done that for nothing.

-And more convincingly.

-Well...

-That sounded like you found

an asthmatic tramp on the South Bank out there.

-What was the name?

-Schroeder Swan.

Oh, yes. No, that's very good.

Schroeder, Schroeder was a spiteful pub dog.

Right.

He used to attack Jock, our barman.

You had your own barman? I don't want to know.

We haven't started the show yet.

Cariad goes...

BASS RIFF

-SULTRY FEMALE VOICE:

-'Hello. I'm Snuffy.

'Snuffy Storey.'

-And...

-It does, though, mean you can now...

You can access my bank account, I think.

-That is a very, very specific kind of porn right there.

-Mm-hm. Yeah.

Romesh goes...

BASS RIFF

-REEDY VOICE:

-'Oh, hello. It's Goldie Silveragi.'

-CARIAD:

-Why didn't you get a sexy voice?

-Why've

-I

-been given that one?

It's quite camp.

And Alan goes...

MUSIC: You're the First, the Last, My Everything by Barry White

-NORTHERN VOICE:

-'Ey up, it's Nobby Stiles!'

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I have to say, Nobby Stiles is a very good porn name, isn't it?

-It suggests a certain...

-It's very farming-specific, isn't it?

I'm not really good with my hands but... "Nobby" Stiles!

Now, here's my first, very simple question.

Who is offended by what?

Oh, God, everybody by everything.

Yes, well, there is that.

Anybody who reads a tweet and doesn't understand it immediately

-is offended by it.

-Yeah.

-Do you tweet?

-I do tweet. Yeah, I do.

-Right.

But I'm often scared to tweet about anything that's, you know...

-controversial.

-What do you do?

Just the colour beige, or...?

No, just like Emojis and, like, GIFs of Japanese girls

-cutting hairs with crab hands.

-Right.

-ROMESH:

-Well, that's...

The problem is with Twitter, even if you choose something, like,

that you think is really innocent and can't be offensive, it can be.

You tweet about porridge and somebody goes,

"Well, actually, I had a porridge-related incident

"many years ago and actually I find it highly offensive.

"I can't believe you'd even not bother to consider the feelings

"of people that had Ready Brek-related incidents

"in their childhood."

-Is that, then, @ThreeBears? Is that the sort of...?

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

It's not Twitter-related, so it's more to do with who.

-"Who is offended by what?"

-Yes.

Um...Doctor offended by Daleks.

Er, doctor is the right area.

-But not Doctor Who.

-Oh.

It is to do with doctors.

Generally medical practitioners?

It is a large organisation.

Think of it as an acronym.

World Health Organization.

The World Health Organization. Absolutely right.

And they're offended by What

which is the World Health Annual...

-CARIAD:

-Trust?

-ROMESH:

-..Transportation convention.

No.

They are worried that scientists are naming diseases that offend people

and that, indeed, we've done this too much in the past.

So, for example, Spanish flu would be a good example.

It affects people in Spain, possibly, and tourism.

People might think, if you go to Spain, you'll get Spanish flu.

Legionnaires' disease.

There's not a legionnaire in the world

not been distressed by the thought.

Oh, I know one, Essex wind.

It's awful, innit, Phill?

Terrible. It blows right up your Thames corridor.

Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, which I imagine...

I don't know who that would offend. People called Creutzfeldt?

Jakob Creutzfeldt, I would imagine, very offended.

Swine flu, apparently.

Very offensive to people who work with, I don't know, pigs.

-Mrs Swine.

-Mrs Swine?

-Mrs Swine is upset about it.

I'm very keen on paralytic shellfish

which I could only imagine would offend prawns that drink too much,

right?

I can't see how anyone would be offended by that. Apparently...

Staggering home sideways, crabs, hey?

Paralytic.

I'll be honest, I don't see how you get crabs

if you're staggering sideways but...

I'm doing a crab playing the piano,

I don't know why I'm doing that with my fingers.

Why am I doing that with my fingers? It's that, isn't it?

The kind of idea is you're trying to minimise unnecessary distress.

So, for example, if you called something sudden death syndrome,

that's just too frightening.

Hold on a sec. If you're about to die imminently,

you can't just say something cuddly so they're not offended.

-No.

-If they're going to die in the next 20 minutes,

-you can't just go, "You've just got the chills"...

-Yeah.

..because you don't want them to be upset.

No, but here's the thing,

doctors have certain acronyms, and I love these.

There's SBI,

which is "something bad inside".

And it means the doctor knows there's something wrong,

not entirely sure what it is.

SVBI - "something VERY bad inside".

Again, don't know what it is, but it'll definitely kill you.

Which I like.

There's loads for fat people. There's CBT,

which is "chronic biscuit toxicity".

The other best one for fat people is BW.

"Beached whale".

AUDIENCE GROANS

And my favourite acronym, PRATFO.

"Patient reassured and told to F off".

APPLAUSE

There used to be loads of occupational diseases.

Certain diseases that were entirely...

Miners' cough.

Yeah, miners' lung.

Joggers' nipple.

Joggers' nipple, yes.

The very first one ever was chimney-sweep's scrotum.

-What?!

-Yep. Chimney-sweep's scrotum.

-What...?

Well, he should put the fire out!

-LAUGHING:

-Bagpiper's fungus! Bagpiper's fungus!

Bagpiper's fungus is a terrible thing.

It's apparently if you don't clean the bagpipes,

you can get a sort of horrible microbe.

Imagine getting a fungus from an instrument that makes that noise.

Do you know what I mean?

Sounds like it's trying to kill you anyway, doesn't it?

I've seen all these things listed outside a flat in Amsterdam.

Is chimney-sweep's scrotum because once they're up there

and if you poke the sweep up...?

I'm just guessing.

Poor Dick Van Dyke.

-AS DICK VAN DYKE:

-"Oh, Mary Poppins,

"me scrotum's playing me up something rotten.

"Step in time!

"ARRRRGH!"

That was the subplot they never managed in the film.

# A spoonful of... #

That's why they're all doing that! That's why they're all doing that!

APPLAUSE

Do you think he was in too much pain to do the accent properly?

So, anyway. Can you tell me what this bird's name is?

Is it a wagtail?

It is not a wag...

What I really want is I want its actual name.

Is it Phillip, Jeremy, Mabel?

Well, to assist you, you have some bird whistles beside you.

-Ooh!

-Yeah.

See if you can come up with the actual name.

HE PLAYS A TRILL

Oh. That's better than mine.

SHE PLAYS LIKE A CLANGER

Oh, here we go. "..said Tiny Clanger."

Oh, you've got lots of different ones.

CARIAD CONTINUES PLAYING

ALAN PUFFS

HE LAUGHS

The famous calling sound of a goose with asthma.

THEY PLAY A CLANGER CONVERSATION

What is going on?

What are you doing?

It's just my ears popped.

HONKING CALL

Is that a duck call?

It's supposed to be a duck. A duck call. Sounds like a...

HALF-HONK AND PUFFING

Try the littlie.

HONKING CALL Hang on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well... THEY ALL PLAY AT ONCE

..it could be any one of these tunes.

Here is the extraordinary thing.

This bird is called - and this is such a lovely name -

it's called a superb fairy-wren.

-Ah!

-Isn't that the sweetest thing?

And every single nest has a family name.

So it's like it has a surname, and the surname is given to the mother

when the kids are all in the eggs

and what she does is she lays the eggs

and she waits for nine days and then she sits by the eggs

and she starts singing a unique tune. So it might be...

GASPING TWEETS

..better than that.

What beautiful song does she sing, Sandi?

UPBEAT TWITTERING

THEY ALL PLAY AT ONCE

Can I...?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Basically, she sings the same tune every four minutes,

over and over, for a week.

Now, I would imagine this drives the chicks in the eggs completely barmy.

My daughter does that with Let It Go.

Oh, I hate that song. I can't be doing with it.

I didn't used to but, holy smokes, it's a test.

Anyway, what happens is the chicks in the egg,

they actually hear it and they commit it to memory,

and Mum and Dad and eggs, they all know the tune. It's a unique tune.

# Waterloo... #

I don't think there are lyrics.

What happens is she goes away and gets food,

when she returns to the nest, she sings this particular tune

that they all know and they have to sing it back to her

and that way she can be absolutely sure

there isn't a cuckoo in the nest.

So, they have, as it were, a surname just for that nest.

-That is amazing.

-That really is amazing.

-But if they were people...

-Yeah.

..how annoying would they be to have round for dinner?

Unbelievably irritating.

"Andrew, shall we do our song?

"We all know this song, we've sung it from when we were children.

"Let's do it, shall we?"

They're not even real, I'm going to leave!

I knew a family that did that.

They had a whistle and in the supermarket,

the mum would do a certain whistle and the kid would whistle back.

No, darling, that's the Von Trapps. That's a film.

They did, they had a whistle in the supermarket in case they got lost.

My mum would summon me home by whistling.

-Seriously?

-Yeah.

She taught me how to do it with the two fingers.

HE WHISTLES LOUDLY

-Wow.

-Now, I could hear that, er...

three miles away.

So me and me brother would be playing with mates

and we'd be out all day and then, at tea-time,

my mum would go out the back door and go...

HE WHISTLES LOUDLY

-And then we would...

-Wow. That is a seriously good whistle.

-We would come back.

-One time, do you remember, we were in Manchester?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-And I had to get a train...

-Yeah.

..and a taxi went by and I went, "TAXI!" like that,

and he ignored me and it went about 50 yards

and he did that and it braked.

-PHILL IMITATES SQUEALING BRAKES

-And he did a U-turn and came back.

-ROMESH:

-Oh, was the taxi driver your mum?

APPLAUSE

Here is the thing about the birds which is extraordinary,

it isn't just birds who do this.

Horses also do this. They have a signature whinny.

Wow.

Serious.

-Has the picture budget been slashed?

-Yeah.

-Why...?

That's from Horses And Orthodontistry.

I'm so allergic to horses

-that I just sneezed at the sight of that picture.

-Seriously?

I don't think it's an allergy. That photo is terrifying.

He's going, "WHERE ARE MY EYES?! WHERE ARE MY EYES?

"THE CROWS HAVE GOT MY EYES!

"AAAAARRRRGH!"

That's the mother horse going,

"WHERE ARE YOU?! COME HOME!"

"KIDS, BRING MY EYES BACK!"

That overbite reminds me of my games teacher at school.

So, here's the thing. Horses have signature whinnies.

So, say, for example, you have a horse - shall we call it Alan? -

in a stall, and another horse called Shergar walks by

and goes out of sight behind a barrier.

Alan notices that and...

You're being Alan the horse?

..goes back to eating. If, when Shergar is behind the barrier,

scientists play his identifying whinny,

Alan won't really pay any attention.

If they play the identifying whinny of a different horse,

Alan gets really freaked out because he knows

that the horse he saw walk past wasn't the one that he's just heard.

This is on the list of things scientists can be arsed to do.

So horses have a signature whinny and dolphins as well.

PHILL MIMICS A DOLPHIN

Flipper's here. There's two children down a mine shaft!

A dolphin taxi is going to come through now.

They meet at sea, dolphins, and one of the very first things they do

is to introduce themselves with their unique whistle

and then when they hear someone calling that unique whistle,

-they answer with the same whistle so it's sort of...

-Wow.

-.."I'm here" kind of thing.

-Oh, dolphins.

-I know.

-Are they nice, really?

-Well, I once swam with wild dolphins,

I've never been more terrified in my life, frankly.

Wrens, horses and dolphins all give themselves names.

Who sold seashells on the seashore?

Is it someone who's got no idea

about the laws of sort of supply and demand?

APPLAUSE

Interestingly, there were plenty of seashells,

and lots of people who wanted to buy them. So who...?

-The answer is "she", isn't it?

-KLAXON

Yay!

Er, well, it is in the rhyme. Can you do the rhyme?

-Do you know the rhyme?

-She... No, I can't, because I've got a lisp.

Ah!

What a fantastically mean thing to do to you.

Make him do it, Sandi! Make him do it!

-CARIAD:

-She sells seashells on the seashore.

-Mm-hm.

And then she goes home again. I don't know the second bit.

The shells she sells are seashells, I'm sure

For if she sells seashells on the seashore

Then I'm sure she sells seashore shells.

-Wow.

-Is the full rhyme.

AUDIENCE OOHS Thank you very much. Oh, yes.

APPLAUSE Oh, yes.

-That is not...

-I know, I know!

That is the first time I've heard that typical British reaction

to a tongue twister.

And it is "Ooooh!"

That's what we think of articulate people.

"Ooooh!"

I didn't know we had that in our make-up.

So "she", but who was "she"?

The woman who sold seashells?

Was she a Cockney woman who some white Victorian man

made up a nice rhyme about, but actually, she was probably

a prostitute who died of syphilis?

Well...

That turned Dickens really quickly.

-That was...

-I wonder why they didn't include that bit in the rhyme.

-"..and then she got syphilis."

-It's like those nursery rhymes...

-What a dark place your head is, Cariad.

-Yes, it's very dark.

It was an actual woman, she worked in Lyme Regis.

-Aargh!

-"Aargh!"

Have you had that seizure or do you want me to get somebody...

-No.

-..or are you all right?

-No, no, it's the...

-AUDIENCE MEMBER SNEEZES

-..Dorset lady...

-Yeah.

-Bless you.

We're a caring, sharing show.

It was the Dorset lady.

-She's a killer! Look at the weapon!

-There she is.

She found the first dinosaur in the UK, didn't she?

-The first whole...?

-She was the inspiration for the tongue twister.

She's a Victorian fossil hunter called Mary Anning.

-Mary Anning.

-Oh, she's the fossil hunter -

-she's all over the Natural History Museum.

-Yeah.

All over the Natural History Museum, and she's incredible.

She was very brave, because it's very dangerous.

That is a picture of her with her dog, Tray.

-She's about to kill it and put it in that bag.

-Well...

I can't tell if the dog is already...

"And now I shall make a fossil!"

Bang! Bang!

"Finish your painting, please, before the dog wakes up."

I don't know if the picture shows the dog already dead.

It died in a landslide, and she was very fond of it.

In a landslide caused by...?

Well, it is... I don't know if you...

-She found HUGE fossils.

-Yeah.

She is really an extraordinary woman.

And her findings absolutely made important changes

in scientific thinking because, up until the 1820s,

lots of people didn't believe extinctions could happen,

cos it would imply that God's creations were less than perfect.

But she, in fact, discovered the very first

ichthyosaur skeleton correctly identified,

the first two plesiosaur skeletons

and the first pterosaur skeleton outside Germany.

She also found... I'm going to give you some examples. She found these,

and she's the very first person who worked out what they are.

So I'm going to pass you one there for you to share.

Do you know what that is?

Oh. This is...

£9.50 in a Cornwall gift shop.

Is this dinosaur shit?

It is. It is absolutely that.

OK. Now I feel weird.

These have been tumbled to prove you can, in fact, polish a turd.

But, um...

That's amazing.

People thought they were bezoars, so stomach stones,

something from the inside of the stomach, but what she did,

she cracked one open and she discovered...

PHILL LAUGHS

-Oh, God!

-It's science, it's science!

She discovered fish scales and teeth,

and she's the first person who realised that, in fact, coprolites -

which is the correct term for them - is in fact dinosaur poo.

Isn't that extraordinary?

To have a dinosaur's bit of poo in your hands, I think it's incredible.

I feel a bit sorry for her, that, you know,

she's done all these amazing things

and when they decide to come up with a rhyme about her

they made up one about she used to knock out seashells.

Well, here's the thing. That's how she made a living.

She was very poor. Her father was a cabinet-maker,

he died when she was 11. And so she had to make a living.

And actually, people selling fossils

has been a big thing on the Lyme Regis coast...

She did start finding them when she was 12 or 13, didn't she?

Yeah. She could sell them to tourists.

It was one of the very first...

So your £9.50 for a coprolite is probably about right.

She really sort of pains me slightly,

because she sold things to men

who then wrote scientific articles about them,

and she didn't get the credit. She wasn't allowed to join,

for example, the Geological Society of London.

They didn't admit women until 1904.

She didn't get full credit until, 163 years after her death,

the Royal Society included Anning in a list of the ten British women

who have most influenced the history of science.

Was she not allowed to join the society because she was a woman?

Or because she killed that dog?

I think the dog didn't help, if I'm honest with you.

Right, time for a look in Mother Toksvig's

Bumper Book Of Neological Novelties, I think.

Here are some new names for things.

But can you tell me what any of them are?

-Adorkable?

-Adorkable. Do you know what it is?

Is that when somebody's, like, really into comic books,

-but it's quite cute?

-CARIAD:

-It's manic pixie dream girl syndrome.

Adorably dorkish, so socially inept but charming with it.

Are these...?

These are new words that have recently... What's happening here?

They're what's known as neologisms,

so they are new terms that have entered the language.

-Oh, I see.

-Al desco is having your lunch...

-Having your lunch at your desk.

-Yeah.

A belfie, I can't remember what a belfie is.

A belfie is where you take a selfie, but you have a bell.

-Really?

-No, it is a selfie, but what of?

What part of you is a belfie?

-Oh, my God!

-Yes.

-CARIAD:

-Oh!

-ROMESH:

-Really?

-Your bell end?

-It's...

APPLAUSE

I thought that was a dick pic.

-It's your bottom.

-Oh, your bottom?

-Yes, it's a picture of your...

-That's a bumfie!

A bumfie?

How is "belfie" bum?

I don't... Darling, I didn't write them.

I'm just telling you. These are all examples

that have been included in the OED in recent years.

The OED have got to stop adding now.

-Stop adding.

-Those are just...

It's like the OED has been taken over

by a 14-year-old boy who's bored.

-BREAKING VOICE:

-"Yeah, we'll put 'em all in! Ha-ha!

"And I'll make up 12."

I like that one, stoor-sooker.

-What is that?

-Is that Scottish?

Yes. It's to do with sucking. It's to do with sucking.

-Really?

-Oh, it's something nasty again.

-I think I'll leave the quiz now.

-No, no, it's fine.

It's a Scottish neologism for a vacuum cleaner.

It's a stair-sucker, a stoor-sooker. PHILL LAUGHS

Oh, right. What's honkenbonkers?

Honkenbonkers, it just means amazing.

Is that the one you were thinking,

"That's the one I might take from this"?

Yeah.

"What am I just going to throw into casual conversation?"

The good thing about any of these words,

is if I hear someone using them,

I can beat them to death with the OED, which is quite a hefty book.

Wabsteid is another Scottish one for website.

What's cauldpress?

Cauldpress is a Scottish neologism for a fridge.

These are just Scottish words!

Does anybody know where the word "quiz" comes from?

As we're doing a kind of quiz.

I feel like I do know, but I can't remember.

-I feel like that.

-ROMESH:

-Do we get a point for that?

Alan can have a point for that, I'm fine with that, yeah.

So when you say it, I'm going to go...

"Oh, yeah..."

-You watch. Watch, watch.

-OK.

-We don't really know.

-Oh... Oh!

So it used to mean a sort of eccentric person.

How it has come to mean asking people questions for points,

we don't really know. There's a story that Richard Daley,

who was a proprietor, a theatre proprietor in Dublin in 1791,

made a bet that, within 48 hours,

he could get a word into common parlance.

And he distributed the word "quiz"

to be put up on walls all over Dublin,

and it became part of the language.

So really, when they say the police are quizzing the suspect,

that's wrong, isn't it?

No, that's from inquisitive. And inquisition.

So that's a separate...

You've got it, you're in the right chair.

I had a little cold feeling then!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, OK.

A new word is created in English every 98 minutes or so.

Now, we're going to name our little piggies.

You all know the rhyme. Come on, let's do this together.

This little piggy went to market...

-ALL:

-This little piggy stayed home This little piggy had roast beef

This little piggy had none...

And what did the last one do?

-ALL:

-This little piggy went "wee-wee-wee" all the way home.

Unbelievably irritating.

So, what we're going to do is we're going to play with Alan's feet.

-Are we all right to play with your feet, darling?

-Yes.

I don't really like feet, can I just say this?

I consider them the frayed edges of the body. I don't...

-Do you want both feet?

-We just need one.

-In fact, do you want to play?

-I believe my feet died in 1987...

..and the rest of my body will catch up eventually

but I think my feet went some time ago.

Right. So, here's what we're going to do.

-Oh...

-What's that noise?

What is that noise?!

We've never had an audience that's so judgmental.

-When you hear a tongue twister...

-OK.

-"Urgh!"

-What's the matter with you?

-Very nice...

Someone else will get their foot out and you'll go, "Yay!"

OK. Romesh, there's a little stick...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, imagine that your big toe is number one

and the next toe is number two, three...

So number five is your little toe.

-OK.

-I want you to shut your eyes and Romesh...

Romesh is going to gently touch one of your toes

and you tell us which one it is he's touching.

I can't actually see which ones are being touched

so let me just come and have a look. I'm coming behind you!

OK, go ahead, then. Do it again.

-Yep, which one?

-Four.

Yeah. And keep going.

-Three?

-Ah, so, OK.

So, you can stop now, that's fantastic

because rather marvellously and rather pleasingly

you've entirely proved the point

that I was trying to make which is very nice.

So, you said it was number three and, in fact, it was number two.

-Was it?

-Yeah, it was actually number two that was being poked

-and here's the extraordinary thing.

-I can't get my leg down, hang on.

Are you all right?

So, people at Oxford University research this kind of thing,

in 2015, so they asked people to close their eyes

while somebody pressed on one of their fingers

and they were correctly able to identify, 99% of the case,

which finger was being simulated.

-It sort of defeats the object...

-You can't do it yourself.

Yeah, to go home and do it yourself.

-You know which one you're prodding.

-Yeah, yeah.

-And also...

-I'll actually admit I went right through with it

and I did one of the toes myself and then thought,

"Oh, that's number one," and of course it was!

Have you ever been involved in scientific research in anything?

I just have to let myself down, Sandi, all the time.

-I'm an unbelievable idiot.

-I think you're lovely.

So you can recognise your big and little toes about 94% of the time

but the ones in the middle are the troublesome ones.

We particularly struggle, as you did,

between the second and the third toes

and about half the people when the second toe was pressed,

actually, think it's the third one. And also, even more strangely,

lots of people find it difficult to keep track of their toes entirely.

Nearly half the testers reported feeling as if one toe was gone.

A huge number of people with their eyes shut

thought they only had four toes.

Wouldn't you have just thought

-"We've picked the wrong person for the experiment"?

-Yeah.

Just gone entirely.

Right, a question for all of us here on the panel,

which of us is the most common?

-It's either me or Alan.

-Why?

-Oh, why?

No, hang on, no!

There's more women in the world so it's one of you two.

-It's not that. It isn't that.

-It must be Romesh.

No, in fact, the most common...

You've got to give an argument, "It must be Romesh."

-Him...

-Oh, I see! OK.

-I had a look to see whose name was the most common.

-Oh.

So whose name do we think is the most common?

It's quite... Well, I'd say Romesh, Sandi and Cariad probably not...

-Not going to be...

-..going to be top of the list, yeah.

-No.

-Davies is a very common name.

-I'm afraid it is you, Alan.

I had a look.

Ranganathan is used, according to a website called Namespedia,

is used 1,789 times in at least 26 countries.

So, what does it mean, the name? Do you know what the name means?

I think it means, like...

"Love God."

OK, so...

I...

I broke it down.

APPLAUSE

I broke it down, Romesh. Ranga means "source of amusement for others."

-Right.

-And Nathan means "he will give."

Oh, right.

Lloyd is used 65,467 times

in at least 46 countries.

-We get about, the Welsh.

-There is that.

Phill, I searched your name, honestly, you come up,

there's nothing, you Lithuanian bastard.

It's an accidental name because it's actually Seputis

but when they arrived in 1917 in the UK,

some bloke at Tilbury, when they arrived, went "Name."

And they go, "Seputis."

And he went, "Jupitus."

So he just wrote down what he heard

and so that's why it came out as Jupitus.

I have lovely hair.

-No wonder I'm so smug.

-Yeah.

I don't know who's upset Alan.

I look like I've been pulled over for speeding.

You're like, "Ugh, come on."

Davies is the most popular, 47 different countries, it appears.

Did you know there was an entire group of Indo-Iranian people

in the Caucasus Mountains that were called the Alans?

I did not know that.

They've died out.

She gives and she takes away.

And my own name I looked up on this thing, Toksvig,

and it said that it is used at least 23 times in three countries

-and then it listed all the people.

-# Da-da-dah! #

And all of them...

All of them are relatives of mine and I'm not on the list.

What does Toksvig mean?

It means "river by the burial ground."

Oh, that's nice. Poetic.

Having a huge name can help with your uniqueness.

Have a look at these, these are some of the longest names in history.

Look at that.

That's one person's name, this was a woman,

the long-reigning ruler of Yemen in the 11th and 12th century

and she was the greatest of the rulers of the Sulayhid dynasty

and she is sometimes referred to as the Little Queen of Sheba.

Imagine how annoyed you'd be if you were doing the school trophy,

she won the hundred.

-Look at that name, that's great, isn't it?

-Wow.

That's a fantastic name. Queen of Bali, circa 1088 to 1101.

Do you think she fell asleep and just collapsed onto the keyboard?

That last bit at the end, that ain't a name. That is a...

That is a two-year-old,

that's a two-year-old on an iPhone.

Now, would you rather be in a non-routine operation

or a mass deposition event?

It looks like Alan's in The Simpsons from here.

Well, I don't like the sound of a non-routine operation.

-I'd prefer a non-routine operation.

-Do you?

-I just think, if it's routine...

-It's a better story.

Well, if it's routine,

the person's more likely to be a bit blase about it

if you've done it loads of times.

Where, if it's non-routine, he'll think,

"I probably should stay awake while I'm doing this."

If it's non-routine, they're going to have the book open.

Exactly. Like they're doing it for the first time.

-I imagine it being like a chef.

-If it's routine, they'll go,

"Just for a game, I'm going to do it with my blindfold on."

I can tell you that the non-routine operation

is a phrase used by Trans-Florida Airlines.

OK. Crash landing?

-It is. It is their word for a plane crash.

-Oh-ho!

-"Notice to passengers..."

-Must be in the lead!

"..in case of a non-routine operation,

"we'd like you to be familiar with the location of the airplane exits."

-You'd hope they'd call that non-routine, wouldn't you?

-Yeah.

What a damning indictment of the airline if they don't.

Can I show you my favourite airport sign?

Cos you know you never get proper information.

I think this is absolutely fantastic. There we go.

It kind of says everything, doesn't it?

-It's fair enough.

-Loses something in translation.

-It's honest.

-It's absolutely fine.

The other thing is, a mass deposition event is, in fact,

a huge pile of poo.

In fact, it's a rather specific pile of poo.

It's a euphemistic term given by archaeologists

to the discovery of a thick layer of horse dung

at a site called the Col de la Traversette,

and it's believed to be associated

with Hannibal's crossing of the Alps into Italy in 218 BC.

I love this. The team analysing the poo, OK,

are hoping to find signs of elephant droppings.

Here's a quote from one of the team.

"There's even the possibility of finding an elephant tapeworm egg.

"This would really be the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow."

Tapeworm egg.

-Not even a tapeworm...

-No.

-..just a tapeworm egg.

Just a tapeworm egg. While we're on euphemisms,

what is a nondiscernible microbionoculator?

-Something you can't see.

-It's very small, very small.

You don't want to have it.

-So, like a parasite?

-It's nondiscernible, you can't see it.

It's a man-made thing.

Bullet.

-Sort of.

-A lethal injection.

You're absolutely in the right area, it's a poison dart gun,

devised by the CIA in 1975.

I'm on fire, I'm bound to win!

-You're doing...

-I've only had one klaxon.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

I have to say this during the show to flag it up.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-You've done fantastic.

Otherwise they would just give me -40 and tell me to piss off.

That looks like a particularly tough night at the Rotary Club.

"I think I'm going to kill Alan."

-He's got the sight on back to front.

-The thing I don't understand...

-Yes.

The bloke on the right is saying, "Back to front, you idiot!"

"He's bloody miles away, the dart will never get him!"

Why wouldn't you want to get caught in bed with a Norfolk Howard?

Cos it's probably cattle, is it, or something like that?

No, but it is a creature of some kind.

Oh, some sort of a bug or a flea or a tick...

Oh, yes, you are on fire. Yes.

-What's going on with you today?

-Yeah.

-Suddenly you know shit.

-Oh, it's a sub...

It's, like, a substandard panel this week.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

It's, in fact, it's a euphemism for a bedbug,

a Norfolk Howard.

Turn of the 20th century, there was a guy,

he's either called Bugsy or Joshua Bug.

Anyway, he really hated being called Bug

and so he changed his name to Norfolk Howard

and his friends, to take the mickey,

referred to all bedbugs as Norfolk Howards and in the end,

bedbugs became known as Norfolk Howard.

Oh, that's horrible.

I think that is a beautifully designed...

-It's an amazing things.

-..and coloured...

-Yeah.

-I mean...

-They are amazing, bedbugs, yeah.

-..that is a stunner.

-Look at the shell on that.

-You wouldn't accept that from a hotel,

though, if they said that to you, would you?

"Bedbugs, yeah, but look how beautiful..."

And so we reach that round that dare not speak its name.

Fingers on buzzers, please, for General Ignorance.

Name the place where all the Vikings who died in battle went.

'Schroeder Swan.'

I'll take the hit, Valhalla.

KLAXON

No.

You'd think, right, that any warrior, death in battle,

you'd get to go to the Hall of the Fallen in Asgard.

It's amazing, it has a roof entirely made of golden shields,

it's got 540 doors, you can get 800 men in and out, whenever you like.

-Sounds brilliant.

-It's amazing, it's amazing.

But only half of the Viking heroes actually go to Valhalla.

So in Viking mythology, there are actually two sets of gods,

the Aesir, which is Odin and co,

and the Vanir and both sets get to choose their dead.

So half go to Valhalla,

which is where they all want to go, basically,

and the other half go to the goddess Freya's field of Folkvangr,

which was probably, you know, a blow, I would imagine.

I have never been more aroused on a TV show than I am right now.

-Same, same.

-Do the voice, do the voice, do the voice.

-Folkvangr.

-Folkvangr.

-Folkvangr.

See, I think you'd like to go there, Phill.

Yes, I would like to go to Folkvangr.

-Because there are women there.

-There's no women in Valhalla?

No, just the Valkyries riding in and out.

That's a great name of a porn film.

No Women In Valhalla!

So, if you didn't die in battle you died a natural death,

where did you go?

Because you didn't go to Valhalla and you didn't go to Folkvangr.

Did you go to Loki's Kingdom of Mischief?

It's place we don't want to go today when we die.

-We don't want to go...

-Hell.

-We don't want to go to hell.

Fantastic, it's exactly right. They went to hell, yeah.

-Indeed they did.

-If they died of natural causes?

If they died of natural causes, they went to hell which was...

"I feel terrible. Quick, start a fight!"

"There's that battle today..."

"Oh, this is so unfair.

"I've been in all the battles, trying to get killed."

Hell is ruled over by a goddess called Hell,

it's where we get the word hell from.

Anyway, only half of Viking warriors ever got to Valhalla.

Name a self-confessed Nazi.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

-Phill Jupitus.

-OK.

-Erm...

-All those guys.

They're like "Me, it's me."

They didn't call themselves Nazis.

Absolutely right. There are none,

there are none because they didn't call themselves Nazis.

You are just doing brilliantly.

Yep. Absolutely right.

APPLAUSE

-All this time...

-Yep.

All this time you've been intimidated to say what you know

and now you can just, you can just speak! It's lovely, Alan.

-No, indeed and...

-Hang on, I'll throw him off his game.

-AS STEPHEN FRY:

-Maa! Maa!

Although I like that Churchill called them "Nazzies".

-"Nazzies", yeah.

-And he referred to the Gestapo as the "Jester-po".

That was very good. You're absolutely right.

No self-respecting Nazi ever called themselves a Nazi,

it was the German exiles who called them that.

Name the cause of the first mass extinction?

Oh, now this is a trick one,

because you're trying to get us to do the dinosaur one,

but there was one before that, wasn't there?

After 14 years, he understands the format!

APPLAUSE

And the thing I still can't do is think in my head.

Where do you think, then?

-In my mouth.

-In your mouth.

Is it ice? Ice?

-It is not ice, no. CARIAD:

-Baby!

-Very good.

-They had a problem, but they didn't solve it.

There was a massive extinction.

It's sea anemone greed and, really, the invention of the mouth.

So what happens is...

So many problems come when we invent the mouth!

These are ediacarans,

and ediacarans are the very first complex life forms on earth.

And they hung around on the sea floor for about 37 million years.

They didn't have a mouth, they didn't have an anus.

They just lived through osmosis.

They got along fine!

They were just fine. And then, what happens is, the Cambrian explosion,

so that's - give or take a Tuesday - about 542 million years ago.

You suddenly get life forms suddenly rocketing

cos there's more oxygen around,

and you get sea anemone-like creatures, they have a mouth.

-And do you know what they did?

-They ate them.

-They ate them.

Absolutely right. They ate the lot of them.

And the terrible, tragic thing

was that they couldn't tell each other what was happening.

-Oh, don't! That's so sad!

-Yeah.

-No mouth.

-Just lying there being eaten and not being able to...

-Or warn each other.

I've had boyfriends like that, and I understand how they feel.

Nothing you can do. Just let them get on with it.

It's been a learning experience being with you, Cariad.

That's why I'm adorkable!

I thought for a moment you meant you'd had boyfriends

with no mouth or anus.

-It felt like that, Alan.

-They can't cry for help.

-No.

-Can't speak.

-Anyway...

what's French for nom de plume?

Oh, hang on a minute.

'Snuffy Storey.'

Is it that they don't have,

that doesn't mean pseudonym in French?

-Er, yeah, kind of.

-They don't have...

In fact, the French for when an author chooses to write

-under a different name is nom de guerre.

-Oh, yeah.

It is now nom de plume in French

but the British didn't like nom de guerre,

they didn't think it was a good idea

and so they changed it to nom de plume

and now the French have used it, they've taken it from us.

That's unusual that they would take it

because normally they hold on to their French words...

Yeah, like "le weekend." Like crazy they hold on to those words.

My favourite nom de plume...

-Voltaire had loads and he had about 173.

-What?!

Defoe had loads and loads, in fact, including Daniel Defoe,

his real name was Daniel Foe,

-he just bigged himself up with the "De" part.

-Oh.

-And Benjamin Franklin.

-He lived in Stoke Newington.

-Who did? Daniel Defoe?

-Daniel Defoe.

See, I like that because that is where somebody like that

ought to live. There's a wonderful story about a book written by

a man called T Lobsang Rampa.

He was supposedly a Tibetan monk and it was a huge hit, this book,

it was called The Third eye, it was published in 1954, massive hit.

In fact, it was written by a plumber from Plympton...

his name was Cyril Henry Hoskin.

-Hoax, a total hoax.

-A total hoax but what I like about it...

-Brilliant.

..he didn't, he wouldn't back down, right?

So he claimed that the soul of the original Lobsang Rampa

had inhabited his body after he fell out of a fir tree in his garden

in Thames Ditton while attempting to photograph an owl.

-If you're going to lie...

-Lie big. Go for it.

-Yeah.

The French for nom de plume is nom de guerre.

So our panellists emerge at the scores,

but let's see who has made a name for themselves,

and who has a black mark next to theirs.

In fourth place, with a magnificent -2,

it is Phill!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yes!

-In third place, with 4 points,

it's Romesh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, I don't know if you're going to be able to guess who wins

if I tell you who's in second place. With 5 points,

it's Cariad.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Alan! Oh, my God!

And the winner is Alan, with 7.

EXCITED CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It only remains for me to thank...

I'm going to be UNBEARABLE!

SANDI LAUGHS

I shall bear with it.

It only remains for me to thank Cariad, Phill, Romesh and Alan.

Finally, let me leave you with this Neolithic newspaper nugget

from the Johannesburg Star.

The Sunday morning quiet of the city centre was shattered

when a man went berserk in Plain Street.

He smashed about 4,000 rands' worth of shop windows

before being shot in the thigh

by a passing churchgoer.

Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE