Oddballs QI XL


Oddballs

Sandi Toksvig looks at some oddballs with Jason Manford, Jimmy Carr, Victoria Coren Mitchell and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, and welcome to QI,

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which tonight is an omnibus of Oddballs.

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Let's meet our obliging odd-fellows. An odd bod, Jason Manford.

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-APPLAUSE

-Odd? Odd bod?

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An odd fish, Jimmy Carr.

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APPLAUSE

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Really? Odd fish? OK, fine.

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An odd lot, Victoria Coren Mitchell.

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APPLAUSE

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What is an odd lot?!

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And Odds Bodkins, Alan Davies.

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-APPLAUSE

-Hello.

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Right, let's hear their Odd Ball buzzers.

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Jason Manford goes...

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TABLE TENNIS BALL BOUNCES

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Very good.

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Jimmy goes...

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BALL BOUNCES HEAVILY

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Oh.

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Well, my apologies.

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A Mexican lunch.

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Victoria goes...

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PINBALL MACHINE PINGS

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Oh, you... And Alan goes...

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# Bouncy bouncy

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# Bouncy bouncy

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# Bouncy bouncy

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# Bouncy bouncy. #

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Oddly enough, we start with Oddball games.

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So you've each got a selection of odd balls under your desks.

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Odd balls coming up.

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Kindly invent a new ball game, and I would like you to use your heads.

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LAUGHTER

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-That was funny.

-What did you do, just...?

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I threw it at his head, look.

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Not the baseball!

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OK, can we get the orange one back again?

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Can we have it thrown back by somebody?

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-Somebody will throw it to us, I'm sure. Come on.

-Oh, whoa!

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-That was terrifying!

-Do you know what?

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If you can't throw, don't volunteer.

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-Unbelievable! Unbelievable.

-Underarm, as well.

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If it comes over here again, I'll put a bloody knife through it!

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-Curmudgeonly old man.

-OK.

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There is a German game called Headis,

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and it is ping-pong played without a bat,

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where you just hit it with your head.

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So, it was invented by a sports science student.

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-Push.

-But don't forget the net.

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-The net?!

-Yes - so, there's a net in the way, right?

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OK, are you ready? Try now.

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Yes!

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APPLAUSE

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Can you get that?

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-Result.

-APPLAUSE

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He caught the ball.

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It was in 2006, his name is Rene Wegner,

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and he invented this game Headis.

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It is now played internationally.

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It is on the official sports programme of 15 German universities,

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and have a look at this, because the top players are extraordinary,

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and they use sort of noms-de-guerre -

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like, well there's things like "the Sausage Seller", "Leek Face",

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-and "Bob Der Headmaster", which I'm...

-Wow.

-..very pleased with.

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And they have astonishing rallies.

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So they're replaced the bat with their heads.

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I suppose it's better than the ball.

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Oh!

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ALL: Ooh!

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APPLAUSE

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I can't help thinking of the corners of the table.

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I know, yes.

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Another ball game we've discovered is a Swiss game

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called Hornussen, and this is one of Switzerland's national sports.

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You have two teams, but there seems to be no limit

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to the size of the team, or the size of the pitch,

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and there is a ball, which stands on this little thing like this,

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and then what looks like a bendy golf club, right?

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And you hit the ball and it goes out into a field,

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and then the opposition have these enormous sort of placards.

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So here's the guy who hits the ball.

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It's a bendy golf club, yeah -

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and then a guy with a placard... LAUGHTER

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..tries to stop the ball, OK?

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And yes, a lot of shouting...

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..and then - oh, there they are - and there seems to be no limit.

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-That is good.

-It's good!

-That is brilliant.

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It's been around since the 17th century,

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and it evolved from the ancient tradition

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of hitting burning logs down the mountainside to expel evil spirits.

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LAUGHTER

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But the ball can go up to 306km per hour -

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I mean, it's a fantastically fast thing.

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Ah, well, that explains why that fellow in the video

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-didn't have many teeth left.

-Yeah, I think that's the thing.

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-300km an hour?

-Yeah, yeah.

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-That's really fast, isn't it?

-It's really fast.

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This game I like the look of,

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although I would not be able to play it.

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It's called Cycle Ball, it was invented in 1893,

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it is enormously popular in Germany.

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Anybody work out how you play it?

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Is it not like polo, but they're on bicycles?

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Yes, and you have to use the front wheel of the bicycle -

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and, again, just extraordinary skill that the players have with this.

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Obviously, it's tremendously exciting.

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-Wow!

-Ooh, what a goal. Oh, nice.

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-Yeah, yeah. Look.

-Ooh, he's lobbed him.

-He's lobbed him...

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-Ooh, ooh!

-Crikey O'Reilly.

-Oh, this is a good show reel.

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-Yeah, that's, I mean...

-I would actually watch that.

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-It's quite exciting, don't you think?

-Yeah.

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-I would totally watch that.

-Yeah.

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This is, I think, I seem to...

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-For - I mean, for a bit.

-Yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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One I like is a game called Pushball.

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So, there's a guy called Moses Crane, in the 1890s,

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who watched a lot of American football, and he got confused.

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You know in American football they always have sort of like a scrum?

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They couldn't find the ball, so he invented this game.

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-"It's so big!"

-It is.

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It's a six foot ball that weighs 50 pounds.

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Wow.

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-So those guys are about to die.

-Yeah!

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No, the idea is you have to either get it across the line,

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or you have to get it across a crossbar.

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People played it on horseback.

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Is that the... Is that the American remake of The Prisoner?

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We did some filming once for Jonathan Creek

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and there was a polo ground.

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There was an Argentinian polo player milling around in jodhpurs.

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The make-up and wardrobe department, I swear to God,

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all began to ovulate simultaneously.

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And I thought to myself,

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he was magnificent.

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He was the sexiest thing you've ever seen in your life

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just wandering about in jodhpurs and boots

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looking for his pony.

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There's a line in one of the Jilly Cooper books,

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"Well, everyone looks sexy in jodhpurs."

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No.

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No. Some people look like badly packaged sausages.

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Do you know a football club in Telemark in Norway

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called the Odds Ballklub, do you know that?

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I do not know of them.

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It's just known as Odds, so its greatest claim to fame is that

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it had a goal, believed to be the longest headed goal ever scored.

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There was a man called Jone Samuelsen and he...

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From within his own half...

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Well, he's cheating, to be fair.

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Yes.

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Look at that beauty.

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From within his own half, he headed the ball 190 feet.

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So unbelievable, they called the police in to make sure it was real.

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Someone would have thought it

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and then someone would have had to agree with them.

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-Yeah.

-"Have you seen that header that went in from the other half?

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-"We'd better ring the police."

-Yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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The thing I really love is when football is played

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in a district of Bangkok called Khlong Toei.

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It's a really densely populated area,

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there is no space to play football,

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so what they have done is reclaimed patches of an odd size.

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They carefully designed a pitch

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so that it is exactly two different halves.

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Look at that. That is just to make it fit in

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so they can play a fair football game.

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That's brilliant.

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-They play round the corner?

-Yes.

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They can't even see the ball coming.

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Wonderful, I love that.

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You say it's a good use of the space,

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but they could have built a hospital.

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LAUGHTER

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It's all relative.

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I'm going to guess the football pitch was cheaper,

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what do you think? OK, balls away, please.

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-Balls away.

-I should never have got them out.

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Now, here's an odd question.

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How can I persuade you to do what I want using only my thumb?

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-Er...

-Ah, well, now, well...

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-I can think of a couple of possibilities.

-Yeah.

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-Just...

-Yes?

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-No, I've got nothing that isn't filth.

-Nothing.

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-Nothing, no?

-Nothing that isn't filth.

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It is known as the "thumb of power" and it's a hand gesture

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used very widely by modern politicians when they make speeches.

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Oh, it's to stop you doing this, isn't it? To stop you going...

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-Yeah.

-"You!"

-Apparently it's more powerful -

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don't do that because people don't like it,

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-but if you do that, you look like you're a powerful person.

-Yeah.

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-Never do that as a politician.

-No.

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There's a science of oratorical hand gestures,

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and it's called chironomia,

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and it was set out in precise detail in 95AD, so a really long time ago,

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Quintilian's Institutio Oratoria.

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It says here, "One of the commonest of all the gestures

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"consists in placing the middle finger against the thumb

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"and extending the remaining three.

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"It is suitable in the statement of facts,

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"but in that case the hand must be moved with firmness

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"and a little further forward

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"while, if we are reproaching or refuting our adversary,

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"the same movement may be employed with some vehemence and energy,

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"since such passages permit of greater freedom of extension."

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-You know, I'll tell you who does it...

-Yes?

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I think, Paulie Walnuts in the Sopranos.

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-Does he?

-And Spider-Man.

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LAUGHTER

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But the study of oratory and rhetoric

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dates back a really long time -

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and there's all sorts of rules about classic rhetoric

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based around the rule of three, which is the same as in comedy.

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So, tricolon, "I came, I saw, I conquered."

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Or veni, vidi, Visa - "I came, I saw, I shopped."

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Molossus, so that's three stressed syllables.

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"Yes, we can."

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And epizeuxis, so, "Location, location, location,"

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when you repeat the same word over and over again -

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but it hasn't changed, it hasn't changed.

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So you get ethos, logos and pathos,

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those are the three modes of persuasion.

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So, ethos is how you establish the credibility of the speaker.

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So, "Watch QI, I'm on it."

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Logos, you present the logical argument.

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"Watch QI, it's really good."

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And pathos, appeal to the emotions.

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"Watch QI or we shoot this kitten."

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LAUGHTER

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I was just using it as a rough example.

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There have been manuals about how you gesture

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since there have been speeches.

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-This is a wonderful one.

-Oh, I've done this on a stag do.

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-LAUGHTER

-It's brilliant.

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-Zorb - zorb football, it's called.

-You run downhill.

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It's a right laugh, 12 of you, "Boing, boing..."

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We didn't dress like that.

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Hob, dob, do.

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Hob, dob, do.

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Hob, dob, do.

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Ao.

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LAUGHTER

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I think he might - I think he might be learning the Macarena.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm totally sure.

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A study of TED talks - anybody given a TED talk?

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Erm, no, I think we'd remember.

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-No?

-Have you given a TED talk?

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-Of course I have, yes.

-What was your TED talk?

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I gave a TED talk on how feminism could save the world.

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CHEERING

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What about the other half of the audience? Nothing!

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They know their place.

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Anyway, no, it's cool. So, the most successful ones tend to be the ones

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when people use lots of hand gestures.

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And politicians can't help but use them.

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My favourite example is Richard Nixon

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on the day that he was made to resign as President,

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that's what he chose to do as he left.

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He clearly hadn't got the message it hadn't gone all that well.

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I think I could play a young Nixon.

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-Yes, actually, that's slightly terrifying, isn't it?

-Yeah.

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And Angela Merkel always holds her hands like that.

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In fact, in Germany, it's known as the Merkel-Raute,

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the Merkel diamond, that's just how she always holds her hands.

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Trump, also, lots of signature hand signals.

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When Donald Trump took to office, little did he know.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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-JASON:

-Very good.

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-VICTORIA:

-I like Angela Merkel's one -

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it's like she's going to go, "Open the door, see all the people."

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It does look like that!

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GERMAN ACCENT: "I have ze steeple and zen - oh, look.

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"Ah, zere's no British people."

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LAUGHTER

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-There's a whole conspiracy theory around that.

-Oh?

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It's about an Illuminati symbol.

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I did it once inadvertently on a TV show, like,

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for like a split second.

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Someone did a freeze frame on it and went,

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"Oh, Illuminati. That guy's in the Illuminati."

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Which I am, but that's not...

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If you Google it, there's lots of pictures of Jay-Z doing this...

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-Like...

-Jay-Z's in the Illuminati?!

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-You heard it here first.

-Oh, my!

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Victoria, when you have your photograph taken,

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isn't it awkward to know what to do with your hands?

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If you're a woman, especially.

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-You can't put your hands in your pockets, can you?

-No, yes, terrible.

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I've read things that say, you know,

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if you put one foot forward, you look thinner.

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I like the idea of the one foot forward.

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-Just do that. Always just do that.

-Why is that?

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Because people will always remember you.

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LAUGHTER

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"Remember that man

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"that thought there was a robbery going on all the time?"

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"Yeah, I remember him, yeah."

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-VICTORIA:

-Am I alone in this?

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When you see great-looking women at premieres,

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and they have a picture and they're looking over...

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Whenever I see a picture like that, I don't understand how they do it.

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-No.

-They used to have a pose they did on Page 3

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where it got the tits and the bum in the same shot.

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Really?

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Tits and the bum in the same shot?

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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I think I've got it.

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-Yeah?

-You be the bum, you be the bum, and I'll...

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Bend over, be the bum, like that.

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There we go.

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APPLAUSE

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Enough oratory.

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Let's look at some optical odds and sods.

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Which of these paintings is awful?

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-Is awful.

-Awful.

-As in terrible.

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Which painting is awful?

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Well, the bottom right, as I'm looking at it.

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-You don't like that?

-A kid's done that.

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Yes, and you think it's awful?

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Well, not, I mean... Er, yeah.

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OK.

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Some nice six-year-old called Eloise Fell

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and now you've made her feel terrible.

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LAUGHTER

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-Top row.

-You want to go top row, what do you think about it?

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It's upside-down.

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So this is actually rather a famous painting,

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it is called Libre Mer and it is by Spain's premier abstract artist,

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a man called Antoni Tapies.

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So what we're talking about is what's known as

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outsider art. It is called all sorts of things.

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You know, people call it naive painting,

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or they call it primitive painting, or whatever,

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and now a lot of this work is worth an absolute fortune.

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But have a look at some of the others,

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-some of them you must recognise.

-Lowry, we know Lowry.

0:15:060:15:09

Yeah. He was variously described in his day as a Sunday painter,

0:15:090:15:12

a concealed sophisticate,

0:15:120:15:13

deceptively simple, all those kind of things.

0:15:130:15:15

Primitivist. In fact, he had trained and he looked very annoyed

0:15:150:15:18

when people called him a Sunday painter.

0:15:180:15:20

He said, "I'm a Sunday painter who paints every day of the week."

0:15:200:15:23

He wasn't very well thought of and that is quite often the case

0:15:230:15:25

from people in the outsider art category.

0:15:250:15:27

It was also known as art brut, raw art.

0:15:270:15:30

In fact, the one on the top left there is Jean Debuffet,

0:15:300:15:33

it's actually a sculpture.

0:15:330:15:35

And he rejected what he called beauty in art.

0:15:350:15:38

He said he liked the savagery of it,

0:15:380:15:40

especially art that exists outside the normal tradition of art.

0:15:400:15:43

Initially it was people, as it were, outside of society,

0:15:430:15:46

it was people who had been put into an asylum,

0:15:460:15:49

rough sleepers, anybody who'd been socially excluded.

0:15:490:15:52

One of my favourites is Grandma Moses,

0:15:520:15:54

she didn't start painting until she was 78.

0:15:540:15:56

So bottom left there.

0:15:560:15:58

She was a friend of Norman Rockwell's.

0:15:580:16:00

What I like is that she was named as Mademoiselle's Magazine

0:16:000:16:03

Young Woman of the Year at the age of 88.

0:16:030:16:05

-Brilliant!

-Isn't that wonderful?

-That's great.

0:16:050:16:08

She hadn't started painting until she was 78.

0:16:080:16:10

There's a difference between the naive art and the bad art.

0:16:100:16:12

There is a Museum Of Bad Art in Boston, Massachusetts

0:16:120:16:15

and here are two examples from it.

0:16:150:16:16

You see, I have no confidence about this,

0:16:160:16:19

I don't... You could have told me these are hugely expensive paintings

0:16:190:16:22

that went for millions and everyone thinks they're wonderful

0:16:220:16:26

and I'd go, "Wow, OK." I don't know why they're awful.

0:16:260:16:28

Why are they worse than the ones we looked at before?

0:16:280:16:30

Yeah.

0:16:300:16:31

They say that the definition of bad art is that it lacks

0:16:310:16:34

both artistic inspiration and technical competence.

0:16:340:16:37

If it's meant to be a picture of a horse,

0:16:370:16:39

it lacks technical competence.

0:16:390:16:40

LAUGHTER

0:16:400:16:41

If it's a horse that's run into some French window...

0:16:410:16:44

My kids bring pictures home sometimes, we put them on the wall.

0:16:470:16:51

-Yeah.

-I mean, a lot of them are rubbish.

0:16:510:16:54

Like, terrible.

0:16:540:16:55

Eloise Fell, who you picked out, our lovely six-year-old...

0:16:550:16:58

Be nice about my painting, or the dog gets it.

0:16:580:17:01

Pathos. Pathos.

0:17:040:17:06

What's the youngest someone's been taken seriously by the art world?

0:17:060:17:09

Well, Picasso, by the time he was 18 could draw anything to look

0:17:090:17:12

exactly the way it was supposed to.

0:17:120:17:14

He said he spent the rest of his life trying to draw like a child,

0:17:140:17:16

trying to release the child inside himself.

0:17:160:17:18

But, yeah, I guess because we're not trained in what to look for

0:17:180:17:21

we would...if you said that was done by a genius,

0:17:210:17:24

we'd go, "Oh, right." And that's worth £12 million.

0:17:240:17:26

"All right, fair enough." Like the Tracey Emin unmade bed thing,

0:17:260:17:29

we've all got unmade beds but she's made millions of pounds out of it.

0:17:290:17:33

Like, how... What separates that from the rest of us?

0:17:330:17:35

Pure evil.

0:17:350:17:37

LAUGHTER

0:17:370:17:39

I sometimes think it would be nice if artists

0:17:430:17:45

would think inside the box, for a change.

0:17:450:17:47

Now, here's another kind of outsider.

0:17:470:17:49

How did this man's bare bottom help Britain win World War I?

0:17:490:17:53

He looks really different with his suit off, doesn't he?

0:17:530:17:55

LAUGHTER

0:17:550:17:57

Like, you wouldn't even know that was him.

0:17:570:18:00

Do you know what that bit's called, the cleft there?

0:18:000:18:02

-Do you know what that's called?

-The fun bit?

0:18:020:18:05

Which cleft are we talking about?

0:18:050:18:07

Where you might park your bicycle?

0:18:070:18:08

No, I don't know what that's called. I'm excited to learn.

0:18:080:18:11

It's called the intergluteal cleft.

0:18:110:18:13

You old romantic, you.

0:18:130:18:15

It's just a great thing to say to a builder as you go past.

0:18:170:18:20

"Oh, hello, intergluteal cleft on display.

0:18:200:18:22

"And your sacral dimples."

0:18:220:18:24

Give us a clue about the man -

0:18:240:18:26

-did something go into his bottom or come out of it?

-Well...

0:18:260:18:29

-The man is called William Lawrence Bragg...

-Oh!

0:18:300:18:33

..he was a physicist. He was a Nobel laureate.

0:18:330:18:36

In fact, he remains the youngest recipient of the Nobel Prize -

0:18:360:18:40

he received it in 1915, along with his father, a famous physicist.

0:18:400:18:43

In 1915, he was serving as a subaltern in Flanders,

0:18:430:18:46

trying to find out ways to use sound to locate enemy artillery.

0:18:460:18:50

So, one day he was sitting on the latrine

0:18:500:18:53

at the house where he was billeted - it was a tight little closet,

0:18:530:18:56

with no window at all, and he'd shut the door,

0:18:560:18:57

and so there was no other opening to the outside world

0:18:570:19:00

apart from the one that he was sitting on -

0:19:000:19:02

and he noticed that when there was gunfire nearby,

0:19:020:19:04

his backside momentarily lifted off the seat.

0:19:040:19:07

Even when he didn't really hear the explosion,

0:19:070:19:09

there was a sort of a thing, like this -

0:19:090:19:11

and meanwhile, another physicist he was working with,

0:19:110:19:13

a man called William Tucker, was billeted in a tar paper hut,

0:19:130:19:17

and he noticed that by his cot there were just a couple of little holes,

0:19:170:19:20

and even on a day when there was no wind,

0:19:200:19:22

little puffs of air were blowing through,

0:19:220:19:24

and they compared notes, the two of them,

0:19:240:19:26

one from the loo and one from these two little holes,

0:19:260:19:29

and they deduced that this was the result

0:19:290:19:31

of inaudible low frequency sounds of artillery,

0:19:310:19:34

and they set about devising detectors,

0:19:340:19:36

and by 1917 it was so advanced

0:19:360:19:38

that the allies had a really devastating advantage

0:19:380:19:40

in locating and targeting enemy guns...

0:19:400:19:43

-Wow.

-..and it all came about

0:19:430:19:44

-because his backside lifted off the lavatory.

-Ooh!

0:19:440:19:46

Is this maybe the most inspiring story I have ever heard...

0:19:460:19:49

-About a lavatory.

-..about a men's toilet and holes in a wall.

0:19:490:19:51

LAUGHTER

0:19:510:19:53

-Normally, these end super differently.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:19:550:19:57

Normally it's, "Then they had to shut down that garage."

0:19:570:19:59

LAUGHTER

0:19:590:20:01

And did they have to use his specific arse on all of this?

0:20:010:20:04

No, I don't...

0:20:040:20:05

Did he have to go round the whole - "Oh, it's over there."

0:20:050:20:07

That's how he discovered it. You get other ones in history.

0:20:070:20:10

Martin Luther, so 16th century,

0:20:100:20:11

he also had his eureka moment sitting on the privy.

0:20:110:20:13

Martin Luther, the man who led to the Reformation,

0:20:130:20:16

suffered from terrible constipation and he was sitting there for so long

0:20:160:20:19

-that he decided to read the New Testament in Greek.

-Yeah.

0:20:190:20:22

That's when you start reading the back of the Domestos bottle.

0:20:220:20:25

LAUGHTER

0:20:250:20:26

Why is there a phone number...?

0:20:270:20:30

And his theological breakthrough, the Justification By Faith,

0:20:300:20:33

happened while he was sitting on the loo, suffering from constipation.

0:20:330:20:36

There are still 40,000 outside lavatories in the UK.

0:20:360:20:39

I'm surprised they've not all been turned into cereal cafes or summat.

0:20:390:20:42

That's the sort of thing people keep doing now,

0:20:420:20:45

turning toilets into bars.

0:20:450:20:46

-Yeah, there's one not far from here.

-Yeah?

0:20:460:20:48

-It's a toilet.

-That turned into a bar?

0:20:480:20:50

It's called The Toilet, I think.

0:20:500:20:52

I think it is, actually, that's right!

0:20:520:20:55

Where you go to the loo, God knows.

0:20:550:20:58

You can go out on the street and do it up the side of a pub, like...

0:20:580:21:00

There used to be a thing,

0:21:020:21:04

when people were peeing up the sides of buildings, boys, let's be honest.

0:21:040:21:07

-Let's be honest, yeah.

-Boys peeing outside buildings.

0:21:070:21:10

-And talented girls.

-Yeah, and talented - very talented girls

0:21:100:21:12

who were straight from Page 3,

0:21:120:21:14

showing their arse and their tits at the same time.

0:21:140:21:16

Lots of London buildings had special tilted metal bars,

0:21:160:21:19

so that if somebody did pee against it,

0:21:190:21:22

the pee would splash back on the person's shoes.

0:21:220:21:25

The most southerly public loo in Britain

0:21:250:21:28

is on the island of the Minquiers.

0:21:280:21:30

Here is a picture of it. It says, "This toilet has the distinction

0:21:300:21:33

"of being the most southern building in the British Isles.

0:21:330:21:35

"Please use with care as the nearest alternative is in Jersey, which is 11 miles away."

0:21:350:21:39

LAUGHTER

0:21:390:21:40

It looks like those rocks are leaning against the toilet.

0:21:400:21:43

It looks like they're queuing up, doesn't it?

0:21:430:21:46

It does look like a queue, doesn't it, and they've solidified waiting.

0:21:460:21:49

LAUGHTER

0:21:490:21:51

"Oh, hello, we're the Minquiers.

0:21:510:21:55

"Is there anyone in there?"

0:21:550:21:57

That's a great title for a band.

0:21:570:21:59

-"Hey, hey, we're The Minquiers."

-"Hey, hey, we're The Minquiers."

0:21:590:22:02

On a lighter note, who takes their mother-in-law to a lunatic asylum?

0:22:020:22:06

-LAUGHTER

-Ooh...

0:22:060:22:09

-Terrible picture.

-Look at us there.

0:22:090:22:11

-I'm just thinking of mother-in-law jokes now.

-Go on, then.

0:22:110:22:13

Well, the Les Dawson one is the best mother...

0:22:130:22:15

KLAXON Ah!

0:22:150:22:17

-I haven't even told a joke!

-APPLAUSE

0:22:170:22:21

Damn you! That is not fair!

0:22:210:22:23

He had the cl...,

0:22:260:22:28

I was walking down the street with my wife

0:22:280:22:31

and I saw my mother-in-law,

0:22:310:22:33

and she was being beaten and robbed by six men.

0:22:330:22:36

And my wife said, "Aren't you going to help?"

0:22:360:22:38

-I said, "No, six should be enough."

-LAUGHTER

0:22:380:22:41

-AS LES DAWSON:

-I knew the mother-in-law was around,

0:22:410:22:43

-because all the mice were throwing themselves on the trap.

-Yeah!

0:22:430:22:46

-He's amazing, amazing.

-Fantastic comic.

0:22:490:22:51

-Is this the old school... Like, the day out?

-Yeah.

0:22:510:22:53

-Like you would take...

-Yeah.

-..to watch.

-Absolutely right.

0:22:530:22:55

-It was just down the road from here, wasn't it? Bethlem Hospital.

-Yeah.

0:22:550:22:58

You could go and they had a viewing gallery,

0:22:580:23:00

-where you used to watch the crazy people.

-Yeah.

0:23:000:23:02

In 19th-century America, if you could afford a honeymoon,

0:23:020:23:05

you would go on a grand tour, like you'd go to Niagara Falls,

0:23:050:23:07

but you would also take an excursion to an insane asylum, prisons,

0:23:070:23:10

battlefields, homes for the deaf and dumb, orphanages -

0:23:100:23:13

and it was normal practice to take your new in-laws along with you.

0:23:130:23:16

Can you imagine?

0:23:160:23:18

It's funny how, like, there's a part of you that hears about that,

0:23:180:23:22

and you suddenly think, "Oh, well, I'm glad we've moved on,"

0:23:220:23:24

and then you think, "Isn't Big Brother still on the telly?"

0:23:240:23:27

-Yeah, yeah.

-And Britain's Got Talent auditions.

0:23:270:23:31

-Yeah, I know!

-It's pretty much the same thing.

0:23:310:23:33

I only actually watch those at the beginning,

0:23:330:23:35

when you've got the nutters. "Where are you from?" "Hull."

0:23:350:23:38

"Where are you from?" "Carlisle." "Where are you from?" "Narnia!"

0:23:380:23:41

"Right, you're in."

0:23:410:23:42

LAUGHTER

0:23:420:23:44

So, odd outings, and odd days out, if you were interested -

0:23:440:23:47

-sewage treatment works, for example.

-Oh, yeah.

0:23:470:23:50

The Sha Tin sewage works in Hong Kong

0:23:500:23:52

offers, "Thematic tours, display panels,

0:23:520:23:55

"model exhibitions and game booths,"

0:23:550:23:57

as well as "stage performances,

0:23:570:23:59

"a fun area for kids and photo-taking corners."

0:23:590:24:01

Can you see the guy in the bottom right?

0:24:010:24:04

LAUGHTER

0:24:040:24:06

That really, that's very much like, "Oh, this is a terrible..."

0:24:060:24:09

-Yeah!

-"I thought it was a funny idea,

0:24:090:24:11

"and now I'm here and it's bad."

0:24:110:24:13

There's a treatment plant in New Zealand.

0:24:130:24:15

"Sturdy, flat-soled and closed-in shoes are required,

0:24:150:24:19

"and rain coats are recommended."

0:24:190:24:20

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:24:200:24:22

That sounds like they need a redesign,

0:24:220:24:24

-if you've got to wear a raincoat.

-Yeah.

0:24:240:24:26

-Going on a log flume.

-LAUGHTER

0:24:260:24:28

Yeah. "Close your mouth!"

0:24:350:24:37

The Dubbo Sewage Treatment Plant in New South Wales,

0:24:400:24:42

their open day includes "spectacular drone footage plus a free barbecue."

0:24:420:24:47

As the man in charge said, "I would be surprised

0:24:470:24:49

"if we didn't have at least dozens of people through."

0:24:490:24:52

LAUGHTER

0:24:520:24:54

Other open days on offer, a halal abattoir in the West Midlands.

0:24:550:24:59

A cigarette filter factory being demolished because of asbestos.

0:24:590:25:03

-That is the one that you want to go and see.

-Wow!

0:25:030:25:05

-There's an open day there.

-Yes.

-You can go...

0:25:050:25:07

-You can go.

-Well, that's date night sorted.

-Mmm.

0:25:070:25:10

The council tip in Padworth, Berkshire holds a free

0:25:100:25:12

family fun day.

0:25:120:25:14

LAUGHTER

0:25:140:25:15

A chance for children to sit in a bin lorry.

0:25:150:25:19

Now, here's something rather odd, who keeps their cheese in the bank?

0:25:190:25:22

The Swiss.

0:25:220:25:24

It should be, shouldn't it?

0:25:240:25:26

You're not far off, though, it is about cheese and money.

0:25:260:25:29

In this case, it is about overdrafts.

0:25:290:25:32

Since the 1950s, the regional banks in Emiliano have accepted

0:25:320:25:35

Parmesan as collateral against overdrafts of cheese producers.

0:25:350:25:40

The bank needs to help with cash flow, and so they accept young

0:25:400:25:43

wheels of Parmesan as security.

0:25:430:25:45

-What's the deal with the Parmesan? I like the taste of Parmesan.

-Mmm.

0:25:450:25:48

But it smells like sick, what's going on?

0:25:480:25:50

Well, it does give off bacteria.

0:25:500:25:52

Cheese and the stuff that's growing in your feet

0:25:520:25:54

is almost exactly the same kind of bacteria that it's giving off.

0:25:540:25:57

I'm really working up an appetite.

0:25:570:25:59

So next time the guy comes round, no.

0:25:590:26:01

"Parmesan?" "No, you're all right, mate."

0:26:010:26:03

"You're all right, but can I have a lick of your sock?"

0:26:030:26:06

-The banks have special cheese vaults...

-They actually take it?

0:26:060:26:09

They take it. Millions of pounds' worth of Parmesan

0:26:090:26:12

in a climate-controlled vault.

0:26:120:26:14

There are specialist staff who clean the cheese

0:26:140:26:16

and hit it with little metal hammers to make sure it hasn't gone soft.

0:26:160:26:19

-To this day, they do this?

-Yes.

0:26:190:26:21

It is thought that without it, the Parmesan industry would have died

0:26:210:26:24

because it takes so long for it to mature.

0:26:240:26:27

As with any valuable commodity, of course,

0:26:270:26:29

it's a wonderful thing for thieves.

0:26:290:26:31

Parmesan is the most stolen food on the planet.

0:26:310:26:33

-Wow!

-In fact, more than 3% of all cheese produced in the world

0:26:330:26:37

is stolen each year.

0:26:370:26:39

LAUGHTER

0:26:390:26:40

And the most large-scale theft of cheese is Parmesan in Italy.

0:26:400:26:43

2013-15, six million euros' worth stolen,

0:26:430:26:46

most notably from Italian bank vaults.

0:26:460:26:48

So 2009, they tunnelled into a vault and made off with

0:26:480:26:51

570, 40kg wheels of cheese.

0:26:510:26:54

Imagine being the kids of those robbers.

0:26:540:26:56

Every day... "What's for dinner?

0:26:560:26:58

"Oh, you're joking!"

0:26:580:26:59

LAUGHTER

0:26:590:27:01

It's the most shoplifted item in Italy, Parmesan.

0:27:010:27:03

It is 10% of all goods stolen from shops and, in fact,

0:27:030:27:06

they've now started microchipping some cheeses

0:27:060:27:09

to make them traceable.

0:27:090:27:11

-You can get it up your sleeve, I suppose.

-Yeah.

0:27:110:27:13

It's easy, it's a good shape.

0:27:130:27:15

The world's most expensive cheese, Pule,

0:27:160:27:18

anybody know what it's made from?

0:27:180:27:20

It's from the Balkans. It's a creature that...

0:27:200:27:22

A war criminal?

0:27:220:27:23

It's a wa... LAUGHTER

0:27:230:27:25

APPLAUSE

0:27:290:27:31

It's made from the Balkan donkey's milk.

0:27:330:27:36

-Oh.

-Yeah.

0:27:360:27:37

That sounds like a euphemism, doesn't it?

0:27:370:27:40

-LAUGHTER

-Donkey cheese.

-Donkey cheese.

0:27:400:27:42

-About £1,000 a kilo.

-Wow!

0:27:420:27:44

The weirdest and the most disgusting is casu marzu.

0:27:440:27:46

It's a sheep cheese from Sardinia.

0:27:460:27:48

It means rotten cheese

0:27:480:27:50

and it is literally filled with maggots.

0:27:500:27:53

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:27:530:27:55

There's live insect larvae in there

0:27:550:27:57

and locals consider it unsafe to eat once the larvae have died.

0:27:570:28:01

So it's served while these translucent white worms,

0:28:010:28:04

about a third of an inch long,

0:28:040:28:06

-are still squiggling.

-Wow.

0:28:060:28:08

Some people clear the maggots from the cheese before consuming,

0:28:080:28:11

others think, "Get right in there!"

0:28:110:28:13

-You don't have to eat everything.

-No.

0:28:130:28:14

LAUGHTER

0:28:140:28:15

The people who leave the maggots, they have to cover the cheese

0:28:150:28:18

with their hands because when disturbed,

0:28:180:28:20

the maggots can jump six inches in the air.

0:28:200:28:22

Stop it!

0:28:220:28:23

It's like my dad still eats tripe.

0:28:230:28:25

I'm like, "Dad, we're not even at war."

0:28:250:28:27

LAUGHTER

0:28:270:28:28

"People are making food now that's nice."

0:28:300:28:33

So another way to secure your overdraft,

0:28:330:28:35

hunting, shooting, fishing types in the UK

0:28:350:28:37

would deposit their valuable shotguns after the end

0:28:370:28:39

of the shooting season.

0:28:390:28:41

With their stockbrokers they would buy shares,

0:28:410:28:44

and this was a perfectly reasonable way to do it.

0:28:440:28:46

When the shooting season reopened

0:28:460:28:47

they would sell their shares and buy their guns back.

0:28:470:28:49

That was another way of having an overdraft.

0:28:490:28:51

So you go in with a gun and you say, "Give me some money?"

0:28:510:28:54

-It seems like it.

-It feels like an armed robber

0:28:540:28:57

that's sort of lost his bottle.

0:28:570:28:59

They walk into a bank with a shotgun and they go,

0:28:590:29:01

"What are you doing?"

0:29:010:29:02

"Er, I want to buy some shares."

0:29:020:29:04

Then he just styled it out.

0:29:070:29:09

He went, "Yeah, yeah, I thought maybe you could just..."

0:29:090:29:11

"Why is it loaded?" "No reason."

0:29:110:29:13

Anyway, moving on.

0:29:140:29:16

Which is the odd one out of these four?

0:29:160:29:20

Odd, odd, odd or odd?

0:29:200:29:22

Um...

0:29:220:29:24

Er...

0:29:240:29:25

KLAXON

0:29:250:29:27

It feels like this is...

0:29:280:29:30

I can't... Yeah.

0:29:300:29:31

I think the last one we pick is going to be the good one, right?

0:29:310:29:34

-Do you think?

-One.

0:29:340:29:35

KLAXON

0:29:350:29:37

Does someone get paid when that sound effect goes off?

0:29:380:29:42

KLAXON

0:29:420:29:44

LAUGHTER

0:29:440:29:45

APPLAUSE

0:29:450:29:47

They've been waiting 15 years for that gag!

0:29:500:29:53

So they are all acronyms.

0:29:560:29:58

The number one ODD is One-Day Decorating.

0:29:580:30:01

And this is a service you can get, particularly in California.

0:30:010:30:03

It's called the One-Day Decorating.

0:30:030:30:05

Anybody have any idea what that might be?

0:30:050:30:07

Um, decorating in a single day.

0:30:070:30:10

No, it's slightly weirder than that.

0:30:100:30:12

It's professional furniture rearranging.

0:30:120:30:15

-Ah.

-So, it's a person who comes in, looks at how you've had it for ages

0:30:150:30:19

and goes, "It's not working."

0:30:190:30:20

And just moves everything around.

0:30:200:30:22

That's it.

0:30:220:30:23

It's a rearrangement specialist.

0:30:230:30:26

-I like that.

-Yeah. OK, here's the next one.

0:30:260:30:28

Outdoors And Dirty - they're pastimes for the person

0:30:280:30:31

who likes to be active.

0:30:310:30:32

That's presumably on, like, dating sites and things.

0:30:320:30:35

-It's things like camping and hiking and climbing.

-OK.

0:30:350:30:37

Paintballing, that sort of thing.

0:30:370:30:39

The other that we had was the Official Designated Driver.

0:30:390:30:42

This is an idea that began in Scandinavia as early as the 1920s

0:30:420:30:45

but in the 1980s, the US had a campaign

0:30:450:30:47

led by the Harvard School of Public Health

0:30:470:30:50

because at the time drink-driving

0:30:500:30:51

was one of the leading causes of death in the US,

0:30:510:30:53

aged between 15 and 24.

0:30:530:30:54

What they did is, they approached Hollywood script writers,

0:30:540:30:57

people writing sitcoms and movies and so on

0:30:570:30:59

and they got them to put lines in.

0:30:590:31:02

So he'd say to somebody, "Would you like a drink?"

0:31:020:31:04

"No, thanks, I'll just have a soft drink because I'm driving these guys home."

0:31:040:31:08

That was how they introduced the idea

0:31:080:31:10

of the Official Designated Driver.

0:31:100:31:12

When it became part of culture, death figures dropped dramatically,

0:31:120:31:15

it really did work. So the odd one out, obviously,

0:31:150:31:17

-is the other ODD.

-Ah.

0:31:170:31:19

How could we possibly have got this?

0:31:190:31:21

It's the word "odd" four times.

0:31:210:31:23

-I know. The point of the game is for you not to win.

-Oh.

0:31:230:31:26

LAUGHTER

0:31:260:31:28

It is an actual thing, Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

0:31:290:31:32

It is the odd one out

0:31:320:31:33

because it's the only bona fide medical condition.

0:31:330:31:36

And, I don't really get this, OK,

0:31:360:31:38

because it's when children, or teenagers exhibit

0:31:380:31:41

an ongoing pattern of defiance.

0:31:410:31:42

-Is it teenagers being...?

-Yeah.

0:31:420:31:44

You know, argumentative, angry.

0:31:440:31:46

-So you can actually go and see a doctor...

-My child's a bit ODD.

0:31:460:31:50

-You child, ODD.

-Yeah.

0:31:500:31:52

Just, it's a diagnosis.

0:31:520:31:54

It turns out that ODD was the odd one out.

0:31:540:31:56

What were the odds?

0:31:560:31:58

LAUGHTER

0:31:580:32:00

Now, what do vegetarian goatsuckers eat?

0:32:000:32:03

LAUGHTER

0:32:030:32:05

-Right, wow...

-Can you show that on television?

0:32:050:32:09

I think that's taking vaping too far.

0:32:090:32:11

Is that a goat bagpipe?

0:32:120:32:14

It is a goat bagpipe.

0:32:140:32:16

He's done something odd to his hair.

0:32:160:32:18

Yeah, his hair, that's the problem with that picture.

0:32:180:32:20

LAUGHTER

0:32:200:32:21

So vegetarian goatsuckers, what do they eat?

0:32:230:32:26

He must eat the rest of the goat, surely,

0:32:260:32:27

before it becomes his instrument?

0:32:270:32:29

It's a vegetarian goatsucker.

0:32:290:32:31

-VICTORIA:

-So...

0:32:310:32:33

-Not goats.

-It's no use saying that.

0:32:330:32:34

What's a goatsucker?

0:32:340:32:36

-It's a kind of bird, it's an order of birds called goatsuckers...

-Oh.

0:32:360:32:39

..and they were named

0:32:390:32:40

because there was an ancient belief that they lived nocturnally

0:32:400:32:43

sucking the milk from the teats of goats,

0:32:430:32:44

-which sent them blind.

-Ooh, God!

-Ooh, hello.

0:32:440:32:46

-Feels like a fun-size owl.

-Well...

0:32:460:32:49

Like, if you're like, "Oh, I want to get an owl,

0:32:490:32:51

-"but I haven't got the space."

-Yeah.

0:32:510:32:52

LAUGHTER

0:32:520:32:54

"I'll get one of these."

0:32:540:32:55

They're called oilbirds, also known as guacharo,

0:32:550:32:58

and they are the only vegetarian species of goatsuckers.

0:32:580:33:02

Most goatsuckers eat insects.

0:33:020:33:03

These oilbirds eat fruit.

0:33:030:33:05

Sorry, you said that like it's like a huge surprise to us.

0:33:050:33:07

-What?

-We only just heard they existed,

0:33:070:33:09

and you went, "These are the only ones that are vegetarians."

0:33:090:33:12

Well, I've just found out. I mean, I literally couldn't care less.

0:33:120:33:14

LAUGHTER

0:33:140:33:15

And I'm speaking on behalf of everyone in the room

0:33:150:33:18

when I say, "No, really, these are the only vegetarian ones?!

0:33:180:33:21

"Wow, let's get this down."

0:33:210:33:23

What are you talking about? You've lost your mind!

0:33:240:33:27

They live in caves in the northern part of South America.

0:33:300:33:32

Well, no wonder they're vegetarian - what is there to eat in there?

0:33:320:33:35

Well, the thing about them is that they get so fat

0:33:350:33:38

from the fruit that they eat that they become incredibly plump

0:33:380:33:42

and there's an annual oil harvest,

0:33:420:33:44

where people take the plump babies in their thousands,

0:33:440:33:46

the local people, and they render them for the oil.

0:33:460:33:49

Because apparently, it's excellent for fuel, and also for cooking.

0:33:490:33:51

Do they still suck the goats?

0:33:510:33:53

Nobody sucks goats, it's...

0:33:530:33:55

There is no goat-sucking.

0:33:550:33:57

-How do you get the oil out of the bird?

-This is like a...!

0:33:570:34:00

Well, you can render any bird for its fat.

0:34:000:34:02

If you've ever cooked a duck,

0:34:020:34:03

you can get an enormous amount of duck fat out of it.

0:34:030:34:05

-Imagine a world where I've never cooked a duck.

-OK.

0:34:050:34:08

-LAUGHTER

-Imagine - I mean, it's...

0:34:080:34:10

I mean, it's like...

0:34:120:34:13

We're not really on the same wavelength here at all.

0:34:130:34:16

But fat runs off a chicken.

0:34:170:34:19

Have you cooked a bird of any kind?

0:34:190:34:20

-You'll have a drip tray.

-Yes. Yes, you have a drip tray.

0:34:200:34:23

-You've got one under your bed.

-Yeah.

0:34:230:34:25

LAUGHTER

0:34:250:34:26

APPLAUSE

0:34:280:34:29

Do you remember when Sandi had a breakdown on television

0:34:330:34:36

and she was talking about goatsuckers?

0:34:360:34:38

And then we just gave up, we asked about three times,

0:34:380:34:40

"What has this goat got to do with anything?"

0:34:400:34:42

and she just went, "Oh, it's a bird,"

0:34:420:34:44

and then she kept on talking about goats for ages before,

0:34:440:34:47

but then we just let it go.

0:34:470:34:48

You could look back on it as the tipping point,

0:34:480:34:50

they say that was it, it was one show too many -

0:34:500:34:51

and she explained to everyone,

0:34:510:34:53

"It's the only vegetarian goatsucker,

0:34:530:34:54

"but it doesn't suck goats, doesn't do it,"

0:34:540:34:56

-and she thought it made sense.

-Yeah, and then...and then she was...

0:34:560:34:59

..she was someone's mother-in-law, and then she ended up in an asylum.

0:34:590:35:02

LAUGHTER

0:35:020:35:03

And we went to visit her. Yeah.

0:35:030:35:05

It was an ancient belief that they sucked

0:35:050:35:08

the teats of goats for the milk, but they don't.

0:35:080:35:11

Sometimes, in the old days, they got things wrong.

0:35:110:35:15

I'd quite like to live in a cave.

0:35:160:35:18

Would you? Why?

0:35:180:35:19

I don't know, I always like being in a cave.

0:35:190:35:22

Whenever I'm in a cave, I feel quite relaxed.

0:35:240:35:27

This is the weirdest therapy session of all time.

0:35:270:35:30

I went into some really big caves once, and it was great in there.

0:35:300:35:34

LAUGHTER

0:35:340:35:36

I'd say whatever Sandi's got is catching.

0:35:380:35:41

LAUGHTER

0:35:410:35:42

And do you know what?

0:35:420:35:44

If my calculations are correct, I think the wind's blowing that way.

0:35:440:35:47

I don't think Jason's got much hope.

0:35:470:35:50

But you talk about the things that -

0:35:500:35:51

you say they're called goatsuckers and you don't believe me,

0:35:510:35:54

-there are...

-Oh, we're back to this, are we?

0:35:540:35:56

I mean, God bless Alan for taking one for the team,

0:35:560:35:59

but you really... Oh, yeah, no, back to the goatsuckers, yeah,

0:35:590:36:03

let's pull this round, because this lot can't believe it.

0:36:030:36:06

There is a thing that's also known as an oilbird,

0:36:070:36:09

but the type of bird it is a goatsucker.

0:36:090:36:12

That's just the - what they became called

0:36:120:36:14

even though it isn't actually the...

0:36:140:36:16

Hundreds, thousands of years ago somebody went,

0:36:160:36:18

-"I bet they suck the teats of goats."

-Yes, exactly.

0:36:180:36:22

-"Let's call them goatsuckers."

-Yes, and it stuck.

0:36:220:36:24

Everyone else went, "But they don't do that."

0:36:240:36:26

-"I've named them now!"

-Yes.

0:36:260:36:28

"OK? I've written it down in the bird book!"

0:36:280:36:32

LAUGHTER

0:36:320:36:33

It's like that joke, "You shag one sheep..."

0:36:340:36:37

Yeah, exactly.

0:36:370:36:38

One of them mistook a goat's nipple for a berry...

0:36:380:36:42

..and the whole species was named.

0:36:420:36:45

Right, moving on.

0:36:450:36:48

The oilbird is the only vegetarian goatsucker.

0:36:480:36:51

It eats nothing but fruit. Right.

0:36:510:36:54

Let us move on to the outer limits of knowledge,

0:36:540:36:56

the odd world of General Ignorance.

0:36:560:36:58

Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:36:580:37:00

How many time zones are there in China?

0:37:000:37:03

Ooh.

0:37:030:37:04

Yes, Jimmy?

0:37:040:37:06

One.

0:37:060:37:07

-Yes.

-Come on!

-You're absolutely right, one.

0:37:070:37:10

APPLAUSE

0:37:100:37:11

-So...

-No, no, no, don't even explain, let's just...

0:37:130:37:16

Let's just enjoy that moment for a second.

0:37:160:37:18

I mean, I've never got anything on this bloody show.

0:37:180:37:20

-You're absolutely right.

-It's one, actually.

-Why do you think that?

0:37:200:37:23

Well, do you know what? That's not important. What matters is...

0:37:230:37:26

LAUGHTER

0:37:260:37:27

-..there's one time zone in China.

-Yeah.

0:37:270:37:29

-You can take that to the bank.

-Yeah.

0:37:290:37:31

I imagine the Communist Party decided what the time was

0:37:310:37:34

-and that was it.

-Yeah. You're absolutely right.

0:37:340:37:36

So, given the size of the nation,

0:37:360:37:37

-you would think that it would be many different...

-At least four.

0:37:370:37:40

At least four - but it's always Beijing time,

0:37:400:37:42

no matter where you are. So, if it is noon in Beijing,

0:37:420:37:44

then 3,000 miles away, it is also noon.

0:37:440:37:46

It was standardised, time, in 1949,

0:37:460:37:47

following the revolution and the civil war.

0:37:470:37:49

Are there people in the middle of the night forcing lunch down them?

0:37:490:37:52

-Yes.

-"Ooh, lunchtime again."

0:37:520:37:55

HE YAWNS Yes.

0:37:550:37:57

In the summer, there are places where the sun sets

0:37:570:37:59

in the middle of the night, and then in the winter

0:37:590:38:01

the sunrise might not come until ten o'clock in the morning.

0:38:010:38:04

Hang on, what's this? Is this an eye cutting out salon?

0:38:040:38:06

That's right.

0:38:060:38:07

LAUGHTER

0:38:070:38:09

He's the village blinder.

0:38:100:38:12

I'm looking for a haircut,

0:38:150:38:17

have you got anything near an oil pipeline?

0:38:170:38:19

First adoption of standard time in Britain?

0:38:200:38:23

-Why did we adopt it?

-Was that wartime?

0:38:230:38:25

No. 1847, so we're talking about the railways.

0:38:250:38:27

It's because there's no point in having the railways

0:38:270:38:30

-if you're all on different times.

-Oh.

0:38:300:38:32

You say that, but I don't know if you've used Southern Rail...

0:38:320:38:34

LAUGHTER

0:38:340:38:36

GMT. You start to get it -

0:38:380:38:39

1855, about 98% of the country is using it,

0:38:390:38:42

and then it became Britain's legal time in 1880 -

0:38:420:38:45

but there were still places,

0:38:450:38:47

some British clocks have got two minute hands,

0:38:470:38:49

so there is a still working public clock

0:38:490:38:52

over the old Corn Exchange in Bristol,

0:38:520:38:53

and it has a black minute hand for GMT

0:38:530:38:56

and it has a red minute hand for what was known as Bristol Time,

0:38:560:38:59

and it's ten minutes behind,

0:38:590:39:01

and that clock is still working.

0:39:010:39:03

Ten minutes behind!

0:39:030:39:04

-I've done some gigs in Bristol, that makes sense.

-Yeah.

0:39:040:39:06

LAUGHTER

0:39:060:39:08

Sometimes they don't get it straight away.

0:39:080:39:10

RENEWED LAUGHTER

0:39:100:39:11

I think they might be in.

0:39:110:39:13

-That reaction.

-What should I do if my child has got flat feet?

0:39:150:39:19

Oh, store them on a flat surface.

0:39:190:39:22

LAUGHTER

0:39:220:39:24

Why would I mind?

0:39:240:39:25

Ah, well, you're absolutely right, it doesn't matter.

0:39:250:39:28

-Nothing, nothing.

-It doesn't matter in the slightest.

0:39:280:39:30

-I've got very flat feet.

-Yes, it doesn't matter.

0:39:300:39:32

I mean it doesn't matter to me.

0:39:320:39:33

I don't give a damn about your feet. LAUGHTER

0:39:330:39:35

You've... You've really changed.

0:39:350:39:37

You were super-friendly earlier.

0:39:370:39:39

Why has it ever mattered?

0:39:390:39:41

You used to be able to get out of military service.

0:39:410:39:43

-Yeah.

-Pike in Dad's Army - it was his feet, wasn't it?

0:39:430:39:46

-Yeah.

-That and his stupidity.

0:39:460:39:48

LAUGHTER

0:39:480:39:49

It's an old wives' tale, and we have no idea

0:39:490:39:51

why both the medical and the military establishment

0:39:510:39:54

decided to adopt it as something that was important -

0:39:540:39:56

and you could indeed be given exclusion from service

0:39:560:39:58

in the Armed Forces because you had flat feet.

0:39:580:40:00

-Not any more.

-Those are nice little feet.

0:40:000:40:02

-They're so... I love babies' feet.

-Mm.

-They're just so...

0:40:020:40:04

Like little slices of rare roast beef.

0:40:040:40:06

LAUGHTER

0:40:060:40:08

OK, that wasn't where I was going, but, yes.

0:40:080:40:10

LAUGHTER

0:40:100:40:11

-JASON:

-I've got a feeling the wind's blowing the other way now.

0:40:110:40:14

LAUGHTER

0:40:140:40:15

It's really, it used to be seen as a disability.

0:40:170:40:19

Some people thought it needed treatment, even surgery,

0:40:190:40:21

-but nowadays it's...

-That would feel like taking the piss,

0:40:210:40:24

if you parked in a disabled bay and went, "Yeah, I've got..."

0:40:240:40:26

-Flat feet, mate.

-Flat feet.

-"I've got very flat feet."

0:40:260:40:29

What we think now is that feet just come in different shapes and sizes.

0:40:290:40:32

-That'll be it.

-Like ears and noses,

0:40:320:40:33

they come - you know, there's no right or wrong.

0:40:330:40:35

It's possible that the whole concept of arched feet

0:40:350:40:38

is just a cosmetic ideal.

0:40:380:40:39

People thought it was rather beautiful.

0:40:390:40:41

I don't really get the foot fetish thing.

0:40:410:40:42

-Do you not?

-Like, how did that start?

0:40:420:40:45

Well, there was a goatsucker and...

0:40:450:40:47

LAUGHTER

0:40:470:40:48

APPLAUSE

0:40:480:40:49

The best treatment for flat feet is no treatment at all.

0:40:530:40:56

When a boa constrictor squeezes its prey,

0:40:560:40:58

what is the cause of death?

0:40:580:41:00

Oh, that's so horrible.

0:41:000:41:01

No, snakes are brilliant.

0:41:010:41:03

It'll be something creepy.

0:41:030:41:04

-Yeah.

-Snakes are real murderers.

0:41:040:41:07

Is the answer, you're beaten to death with a candlestick?

0:41:070:41:10

Oh! In the library by the boa constrictor.

0:41:100:41:13

They are the absolute Agatha Christie of killers.

0:41:130:41:16

Do you know, I normally quite like snakes,

0:41:160:41:18

-but that one is just rude.

-Yeah.

0:41:180:41:20

Don't they, don't they sort of trigger a heart attack?

0:41:200:41:23

-Yes, that is exactly right.

-Is that their thing?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:41:230:41:25

It used to be thought that they squeezed so hard

0:41:250:41:27

that the victim couldn't breathe,

0:41:270:41:29

and that each time the prey exhaled,

0:41:290:41:31

the snake would tighten its grip

0:41:310:41:32

until they couldn't breathe any more -

0:41:320:41:34

but what they've now discovered is,

0:41:340:41:35

it's stopping the blood flow to the vital organs.

0:41:350:41:37

They've done these studies

0:41:370:41:38

to know how the snake knows when to stop squeezing.

0:41:380:41:40

Dickinson College in Pennsylvania, they gave their boa constrictor

0:41:400:41:44

dead rats into which little robot hearts had been inserted.

0:41:440:41:49

So, although the rat was dead, it still had a heartbeat,

0:41:490:41:51

and the snakes didn't relax their grip

0:41:510:41:53

until they turned off the heartbeat.

0:41:530:41:55

They seemed to have the ability to work out, to monitor the heartbeat.

0:41:550:41:58

They're like a, they're like a demon blood pressure cuff.

0:41:580:42:01

LAUGHTER

0:42:010:42:02

Listen to the things people have done,

0:42:020:42:03

and you haven't even cooked a duck!

0:42:030:42:05

LAUGHTER

0:42:050:42:07

APPLAUSE

0:42:070:42:09

That's told me! That's told me.

0:42:140:42:18

Time to look at some odd numbers.

0:42:180:42:20

It is the final scores -

0:42:200:42:22

and our winner, with minus four, this is very exciting,

0:42:220:42:26

is Victoria.

0:42:260:42:27

-Oh, fair play.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:42:270:42:30

In joint second place, with minus eight,

0:42:330:42:36

it's Jason and Alan.

0:42:360:42:38

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Oh!

-That's good.

0:42:380:42:40

We came second.

0:42:400:42:42

I've never even cooked a duck!

0:42:440:42:45

Or sucked a goat.

0:42:450:42:47

In...

0:42:470:42:48

-LAUGHTER

-Well...

0:42:480:42:50

-Too much information.

-I had a fabulous gap year,

0:42:510:42:54

I don't want to discuss it.

0:42:540:42:55

With minus 23, last place goes to Jimmy!

0:42:550:42:58

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:580:43:00

So, Victoria takes home

0:43:070:43:08

our objectionable object of the week.

0:43:080:43:10

It's this lovely piece of outsider art by her six-year-old.

0:43:100:43:14

APPLAUSE

0:43:140:43:16

So, it's thanks to Victoria, Jimmy, Jason and Alan -

0:43:170:43:20

and we leave you with a memory of Winston Churchill,

0:43:200:43:23

who was not only a great orator, but a great student of oratory.

0:43:230:43:26

He used to rehearse his speeches constantly

0:43:260:43:28

to make them sound natural.

0:43:280:43:29

He'd practise in the bath, for instance,

0:43:290:43:31

and it's said that the first time his valet heard him doing this,

0:43:310:43:33

he asked, "Were you speaking to me, sir?"

0:43:330:43:35

"No," said Churchill, "I was addressing the House of Commons."

0:43:350:43:38

Good night.

0:43:380:43:39

APPLAUSE

0:43:390:43:40

Sandi Toksvig looks at some oddballs. Tune in for the odd ball games, but be sure to stay for the vegetarian goatsuckers - you won't regret it. With Jason Manford, Jimmy Carr, Victoria Coren Mitchell and Alan Davies.


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