Omnishambles QI XL


Omnishambles

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Omnishambles. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:00:230:00:27

Good evening!

0:00:310:00:33

Welcome to QI.

0:00:330:00:36

Tonight, we have a show that promises to be

0:00:370:00:41

an outright omnishambles,

0:00:410:00:43

and trying to stay on top of it all,

0:00:430:00:45

we have the cack-handed Josh Widdicombe.

0:00:450:00:48

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:00:480:00:50

The ham-fisted Stephen K Amos.

0:00:500:00:53

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:00:530:00:57

The butter-fingered Cally Beaton.

0:00:570:00:59

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:00:590:01:02

And the...Alan Davies.

0:01:030:01:05

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:01:050:01:08

And their buzzers are going all over the place. Josh goes...

0:01:110:01:14

BARKING, MOOING

0:01:140:01:17

That doesn't sound good, does it?

0:01:180:01:20

No. It went on far longer than I'd expected, as well.

0:01:200:01:23

Stephen goes...

0:01:230:01:24

BARKING, NEIGHING, GALLOPING

0:01:240:01:27

Wow, that's terrifying. Cally goes...

0:01:280:01:30

BARKING, CLUCKING

0:01:300:01:34

And Alan goes...

0:01:340:01:36

BARKING Fenton! Fenton! Fenton! Fenton!

0:01:360:01:39

APPLAUSE

0:01:410:01:43

OK, what's this all about?

0:01:450:01:48

A disgrace!

0:01:490:01:51

Dangerous!

0:01:510:01:53

Not a very edifying spectacle!

0:01:530:01:55

Wretched women! What...?

0:01:550:01:57

Is this about women on panel shows?

0:01:570:02:00

Ah, yes. Only last year, in fact, I think!

0:02:000:02:03

-Horrified.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, a bit horrifying to be here.

0:02:040:02:07

So, panel shows, it's to do with games of some kind.

0:02:070:02:11

Is it women playing sport?

0:02:110:02:13

Yes, women doing sport.

0:02:130:02:14

It was thought to be one of the most shocking things in the world.

0:02:140:02:17

These are descriptions of the women's 800 metres

0:02:170:02:21

at the 1928 Olympics, OK? So, women had been allowed

0:02:210:02:24

to compete in the track and field events for the very first time,

0:02:240:02:27

and the media reported that it was a disaster.

0:02:270:02:29

According to these reports,

0:02:290:02:30

out of the 11 runners, five collapsed before getting to the end,

0:02:300:02:33

five fainted at the finish line and only one was still standing,

0:02:330:02:37

and she passed out in the dressing room moments later.

0:02:370:02:40

Some of the women took 15 minutes to regain consciousness.

0:02:400:02:44

Those who hadn't won sobbed hysterically.

0:02:440:02:46

And, as a result, the 800 metres race was deemed to be

0:02:460:02:49

just too injurious to these women and it was dropped

0:02:490:02:52

from the Olympics for 32 years.

0:02:520:02:55

We can see here the German, Lena Radca,

0:02:550:02:57

winning and Japan coming second.

0:02:570:02:59

She must have an early iPod in, cos she's doing something.

0:02:590:03:01

In reality, there were nine women runners,

0:03:030:03:06

they all completed it, no-one collapsed,

0:03:060:03:08

no-one became hysterical and six of them beat the existing world record.

0:03:080:03:13

So, was this in the mainstream British press?

0:03:150:03:18

I know, it's shocking to think that the press might ever tell you

0:03:180:03:21

something that's not a fact.

0:03:210:03:23

Please don't tell me it was in the Murdoch papers!

0:03:230:03:26

This wasn't the first Olympics women competed in, though, was it?

0:03:280:03:31

-No.

-They'd competed before.

-Only in some sports.

0:03:310:03:33

So, the founder of the modern Olympics, Pierre de Coubertin,

0:03:330:03:36

he vehemently opposed female participation,

0:03:360:03:38

he absolutely wasn't having it.

0:03:380:03:39

That's Rowan Atkinson!

0:03:390:03:41

It does look like him, doesn't it?!

0:03:440:03:46

Anyway, him, Pierre de Coubertin,

0:03:460:03:48

he vehemently opposed female participation.

0:03:480:03:50

He said it would be, "impractical, uninteresting, unaesthetic

0:03:500:03:53

"and improper."

0:03:530:03:54

He said women's primary role should be, "to crown the victors,

0:03:540:03:58

"since they were, above all, a companion to men."

0:03:580:04:00

But you're absolutely right,

0:04:000:04:02

they had been allowed to compete from 1900, but only in five sports,

0:04:020:04:05

-and they were considered the kind of easy ones.

-Sewing.

0:04:050:04:07

Sewing, yes, was a big one. LAUGHTER

0:04:070:04:09

It was tennis, croquet, golf, sailing and equestrian.

0:04:090:04:12

And the women got fed up with this.

0:04:120:04:14

So, in 1922, they held their own Olympics in Paris.

0:04:140:04:18

20,000 people attended.

0:04:180:04:20

-Oh, wow!

-There were 18 world records set.

0:04:200:04:23

One of the more unusual events is that one on the right,

0:04:230:04:25

it's the two-handed javelin.

0:04:250:04:27

And athletes had to throw once with their right hand, then once

0:04:270:04:30

with their left hand, and the score was the combined distance

0:04:300:04:33

-of the two throws.

-So a sort of ambidextrous javelin.

0:04:330:04:36

-Yes, yes.

-Yeah.

-And then your team-mate had to catch it!

-Yes.

0:04:360:04:39

I wouldn't want to be the one who had to measure it

0:04:390:04:41

when people were throwing the javelin left-handed.

0:04:410:04:44

But one of the great...

0:04:440:04:45

Is that two together that you're doing?

0:04:470:04:49

That's two, that's getting the javelin and throwing them.

0:04:490:04:52

-Quite difficult, I'd have thought.

-I would think it was quite tricky.

0:04:520:04:56

I think she's going too far up, that one, it's going to go straight up

0:04:560:04:59

-and down in front of her.

-Her trajectory is all wrong.

0:04:590:05:01

One of the reasons why women wanted to take part in the Olympics was the

0:05:010:05:04

incredibly restricted clothing that they wore in the traditional games.

0:05:040:05:07

So, up until the mid 1900s, female swimmers had to wear blouses

0:05:070:05:10

and bloomers in the pool.

0:05:100:05:12

They used to play tennis in dresses that covered the ankle

0:05:120:05:15

and multiple petticoats and corsets, and so on. Shoes with heels.

0:05:150:05:18

But I think that's why it took so long for women

0:05:180:05:21

to get involved in sports, because I run, and it's all about two bras.

0:05:210:05:24

-Yeah.

-Keeping... Nothing should move.

0:05:240:05:26

Because otherwise, honestly, take your eye out.

0:05:260:05:28

Yeah. Yeah.

0:05:280:05:30

I feel like giving tips out at race days,

0:05:300:05:32

sometimes to middle-aged men, to be honest.

0:05:320:05:35

I was not a really big sports fan at school at all, because I come

0:05:370:05:41

from quite a big family, and all my stuff was hand-me-downs.

0:05:410:05:44

So I'd be the only boy on the sports field with a training bra.

0:05:440:05:47

So, I know what you're talking about, yeah.

0:05:490:05:51

The very first American woman to win an Olympic medal,

0:05:520:05:55

she never knew she'd done it.

0:05:550:05:57

Her name was Margaret Abbott, she won the golf in 1900,

0:05:570:06:01

but the entire tournament was such a shambles that she assumed

0:06:010:06:04

-it was just a regular sports contest.

-What, she didn't realise

0:06:040:06:07

-it was the Olympics?

-She didn't realise it was the Olympics.

0:06:070:06:09

In fact she died in 1955 without ever realising

0:06:090:06:12

that she'd earned an Olympic medal. And, in fact, her mother

0:06:120:06:14

also entered the same competition in 1900.

0:06:140:06:16

That's the only instance we have of mother and daughter taking part

0:06:160:06:19

-in the same Olympics.

-During the London Olympics...

-Yeah?

0:06:190:06:22

..I went for a run and I live in East London,

0:06:220:06:24

so there's a chance I don't know that I've won gold.

0:06:240:06:28

And now is the moment that we can...

0:06:280:06:30

Surprise, surprise!

0:06:310:06:33

-Have you run marathons, Cally, have you done...?

-Yes, I have.

-You have?

0:06:330:06:37

-Have you?

-I ran the London marathon, I wore three bras that day.

0:06:370:06:41

-Because it was a special occasion.

-Yeah, no.

0:06:410:06:43

So, I did, I quite enjoyed it in a strange way.

0:06:430:06:45

But I've got two teenage kids at home,

0:06:450:06:48

-so I'm just glad to get out of the house.

-Yes.

0:06:480:06:50

Well, there was a huge thing about the marathon, so, 1967,

0:06:510:06:54

there was a woman in the United States called Kathy Switzer,

0:06:540:06:57

and she attempted to run the Boston marathon,

0:06:570:06:59

there's a very famous photograph.

0:06:590:07:00

The person on the right of her is the race official

0:07:000:07:04

called Jock Semple.

0:07:040:07:05

He attempted to tear the number off her back, he was so angry,

0:07:050:07:08

and that's her boyfriend trying to make sure

0:07:080:07:11

that she can actually finish.

0:07:110:07:12

And afterwards the man in charge of the race,

0:07:120:07:14

the Boston Athletic Association Director, Will Cloney,

0:07:140:07:17

asked his opinion of her competing in the race.

0:07:170:07:19

He said, "I don't make the rules, but I try to carry them out.

0:07:190:07:22

"We have no space in the marathon

0:07:220:07:23

"for any unauthorised person, even a man.

0:07:230:07:26

"If that girl were my daughter, I would spank her."

0:07:260:07:28

She did finish, but it would be another five years before

0:07:280:07:31

-the rules changed. It was just...

-Tell you what, men are wankers.

0:07:310:07:35

LAUGHTER

0:07:350:07:37

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:07:370:07:39

Anyway, moving on.

0:07:420:07:43

When is it cool to wet your pants?

0:07:430:07:46

Is it when it's, like, in a hot situation?

0:07:470:07:50

Obviously, we're going to be, yes, somewhere hot.

0:07:500:07:52

Somewhere where your wee is cooler than everything else around you.

0:07:520:07:55

OK. It's...

0:07:550:07:57

Or if you've had a really cold drink and you get it out quick.

0:07:570:08:00

Is it to do with, um, jellyfish, you know,

0:08:000:08:03

when you have to pee on a...

0:08:030:08:04

-Because my daughter got stung by a jellyfish in South Africa.

-Right.

0:08:040:08:07

And she was crying, really upset, and so I pulled my tankini -

0:08:070:08:10

which is what older women wear instead of a bikini -

0:08:100:08:13

I pulled it to the side to pee, and the sight

0:08:130:08:16

of my pulled-to-the-side gusset fully stopped her crying.

0:08:160:08:19

I would imagine.

0:08:190:08:20

It worked really well.

0:08:200:08:22

And she begged me not to pee on the sting.

0:08:220:08:24

-No.

-Is it to do...? No.

-Does she still have dreams about this?

0:08:240:08:26

-She does. We're working on it.

-It's best.

-We're working it through.

0:08:260:08:29

I think we're all going to have dreams about it, aren't we?

0:08:290:08:31

Is it in space?

0:08:330:08:35

It is not in space.

0:08:350:08:36

We're not doing people at all,

0:08:360:08:38

and "wet their pants" is more of a...

0:08:380:08:40

What's another expression for pant?

0:08:400:08:42

-An animal panting.

-Oh.

-An animal panting. It is ostriches, in fact.

0:08:430:08:46

Ostriches have a phenomenal capacity for water.

0:08:460:08:49

They can swallow up to ten litres of water in one go.

0:08:490:08:52

And then what they do is, they pant really quickly,

0:08:520:08:55

so that the air that they bring into their bodies evaporates

0:08:550:08:57

the water, and it works exactly the same way as us

0:08:570:08:59

evaporating sweat on our skin, in order to keep us cool.

0:08:590:09:03

And they have to avoid getting too much oxygen

0:09:030:09:05

into their bloodstream while they do this, and so,

0:09:050:09:07

as they pant, their windpipe redirects the air away

0:09:070:09:10

from the lungs. Essentially, they pant without breathing.

0:09:100:09:12

Did you know this? They're the only birds to have a bladder.

0:09:120:09:15

Birds do not wee, because they'd be too heavy to be

0:09:150:09:17

carrying around a big bladder, and so on.

0:09:170:09:19

But the flightless ostrich can cope with the extra thing.

0:09:190:09:21

So there's a little takeaway for you - birds don't wee.

0:09:210:09:24

-Who knew that?

-Wow!

0:09:240:09:26

Any creature that's got an eye here

0:09:260:09:28

-and an eye there that goes that way, nah.

-Yes.

0:09:280:09:31

It's not right!

0:09:320:09:35

The thing that we know about them is that it's possible that they dream.

0:09:350:09:39

What do you think an ostrich would dream of?

0:09:390:09:41

-Flying, it might dream it could fly like we do.

-Yeah.

0:09:410:09:43

-Because it can't, can it?

-No, they're just too heavy,

0:09:430:09:46

because they are between six and nine foot in height.

0:09:460:09:48

And they're 140lbs to sometimes as much as 300lbs.

0:09:480:09:51

But look at that massive wingspan.

0:09:510:09:53

I really do think they're quite creepy.

0:09:530:09:54

Would you like them more if they could fly? Can you imagine that?

0:09:540:09:57

This thing in the sky, argh!

0:09:570:09:59

-Ugh!

-Do you think they'd fly with their necks up,

0:09:590:10:02

or would they just put their necks forward?

0:10:020:10:04

Or their neck up, looking behind them.

0:10:060:10:09

"WHOA!"

0:10:090:10:10

"Whoa-ho! Ho-ho-ho!"

0:10:120:10:16

I imagine they'd do that all the time.

0:10:160:10:19

The first one that went up would do that.

0:10:190:10:20

I'd like to have an ostrich, though,

0:10:200:10:22

because one scrambled ostrich egg is the same as 25 chicken eggs,

0:10:220:10:25

so you'd only have to go and collect the one. That would be...

0:10:250:10:28

And that would save you time, because normally you have to make

0:10:280:10:31

25 chicken eggs in the morning.

0:10:310:10:32

I know. It's a nightmare.

0:10:320:10:34

The other thing about them is, their legs go the wrong way.

0:10:340:10:37

So, when they're running, if you show an ostrich running

0:10:370:10:41

and reverse the film, it looks like a person.

0:10:410:10:43

It looks like Bernie Clifton.

0:10:430:10:45

There, you can see, right, if you look at it,

0:10:470:10:49

it looks like it's running that way, but its body is on backwards.

0:10:490:10:52

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Do you get it, are you seeing it now?!

0:10:520:10:55

-So if it was running that way, you'd think, "Yeah."

-"Yeah, fair enough."

0:10:550:10:58

-Yeah.

-That's like, that's Bernie Clifton, right.

0:10:580:11:00

But Bernie's got to get his...

0:11:000:11:01

-If he'd had major surgery in about 1972...

-Yeah.

0:11:010:11:05

Alan, it sounds like you've done quite a lot of research on this.

0:11:050:11:08

I did, I shared a dressing room with Bernie Clifton at the recent

0:11:080:11:10

-Royal Variety Performance.

-Did you?

0:11:100:11:12

-Did you?

-Oh.

-Me, Bernie Clifton and the Chuckle Brothers.

0:11:120:11:15

-I swear to God, it was...

-Talk about knowing your place in showbiz.

0:11:170:11:20

-I'll tell you what...

-I'm 51 now, right...

0:11:220:11:24

I've been doing stand-up for a very long time, nearly 30 years,

0:11:240:11:27

and I was such a junior person in that room.

0:11:270:11:31

I loved it, absolutely loved it!

0:11:310:11:33

And the older... I cannot remember the Chuckle Brothers' names.

0:11:330:11:36

-Paul and Barry.

-Paul and Barry, but, yeah, I can't remember...

0:11:360:11:39

LAUGHTER

0:11:390:11:40

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:11:400:11:43

I knew that one day I'd get something on QI!

0:11:430:11:47

-Who knew it was going to be that?

-I can't remember which.

0:11:470:11:49

I've been waiting for that to come up four series!

0:11:490:11:53

One of them went out, that was Paul went out, went round looking,

0:11:530:11:56

there were a lot of dancers about to socialise with, you know.

0:11:560:11:59

And me and Barry and Bernie, we all stayed in the room

0:11:590:12:03

and a girl was sort of allocated to look after us.

0:12:030:12:06

"Do you want anything?" And Barry goes,

0:12:060:12:08

"Wouldn't mind a tea. Can we have a tea?"

0:12:080:12:11

And she goes, "Do you want any sugar?"

0:12:110:12:12

-And Barry goes, "Yeah, six."

-Six sugars?

0:12:120:12:16

That's what she said. "Six?!" And he goes,

0:12:160:12:19

"Are they sachets?" And she said, "They are."

0:12:190:12:23

And he goes, "Yeah, six."

0:12:230:12:24

It was absolutely incredible.

0:12:260:12:28

I was in heaven.

0:12:280:12:29

I like to think that they totally ignored you for the whole time.

0:12:290:12:33

They had no idea who I was.

0:12:330:12:34

But you're right about the legs,

0:12:380:12:40

and look at the extraordinary feet of the ostrich, they're amazing.

0:12:400:12:43

So, the scientific name is Struthio camelus,

0:12:430:12:45

so it's from the ancient Greek, it literally means "camel sparrow."

0:12:450:12:48

And the Greeks considered it similar to the camel because if you look

0:12:480:12:51

at the hooves of the ostrich and you look at the hooves of the camel.

0:12:510:12:54

Hang on, what's what? The ostrich is on the left?

0:12:540:12:56

The ostrich is on the left, the camel on the right.

0:12:560:12:58

-Look at those toes.

-That toenail, that needs bringing in, doesn't it?!

0:12:580:13:02

He's getting through some socks with that, isn't he?

0:13:030:13:06

Unlike any other bird and also they have this in common with camels,

0:13:060:13:09

ostrich's have eyelashes. That's a thing. They can bat them at you.

0:13:090:13:13

-That was a good noise you made there.

-Yeah.

0:13:130:13:15

-"Ooh."

-It's all just, it's just, oh, no.

0:13:150:13:19

I just did not know you were anti-ostrich. I just...

0:13:190:13:22

-I've tried ostrich steak before.

-CALLY:

-Yeah, I've had it as well.

0:13:230:13:26

They sell it in Aldi now. They do, they do.

0:13:260:13:29

-STEPHEN:

-Where is this place?

0:13:290:13:31

-I ate it in Swaziland, because they dished up goat steak.

-Right.

0:13:320:13:36

And I said I was vegetarian, so they gave me ostrich steak.

0:13:360:13:39

And I wasn't vegetarian, I just said it

0:13:400:13:42

because I didn't want to eat goat.

0:13:420:13:43

Yeah. Is it lean? Is it sort of lean?

0:13:430:13:45

It's lean, it's actually... Aldi were promoting it as being very lean

0:13:450:13:48

-and cheaper...

-STEPHEN:

-Stop saying Aldi.

0:13:480:13:50

-CALLY:

-..and better for you than beef.

0:13:500:13:52

Right. We must try this Aldi place.

0:13:520:13:55

Oh, come, come, come, are we at war? I don't think so.

0:13:580:14:01

-All these supermarkets are like anagrams at the moment.

-Yeah.

0:14:040:14:07

Why can't they have a proper word?

0:14:070:14:08

-Like what, what would you like it to be called?

-Sainsbury's.

0:14:080:14:11

Am I the only person here who isn't being sponsored by a supermarket?

0:14:140:14:17

Can I just say, Waitrose is excellent value for money.

0:14:190:14:22

APPLAUSE

0:14:220:14:24

Applause for Waitrose!

0:14:240:14:26

You're not on Take Me Out, audience.

0:14:280:14:30

Right, moving on.

0:14:340:14:35

What's the wrong way to get out of a car?

0:14:350:14:39

Sunroof.

0:14:390:14:40

Yeah, that's not good, is it?

0:14:400:14:42

But let's all imagine we're driving in the UK.

0:14:420:14:45

So, let's all do driving.

0:14:450:14:46

Can I do MY driving, please?

0:14:460:14:48

-Driving, we arrive...

-I drive like this.

0:14:560:14:59

-I'm going to park, brake...

-Yeah.

-OK, brake now.

0:14:590:15:02

So, you're in a right-hand drive.

0:15:020:15:04

Brake, yeah. So now I want you to open the door.

0:15:040:15:06

-Open the door.

-Yeah.

-You've done it like that. What have you done?

0:15:060:15:09

Like that. So, none of that...

0:15:090:15:10

HOOTER

0:15:100:15:13

And if you never learn anything else from this show,

0:15:130:15:16

learn this thing, which I think is wonderful.

0:15:160:15:19

You should always do what is called the Dutch Reach.

0:15:190:15:23

You have to open with the hand... Exactly that.

0:15:230:15:25

Furthest from the door.

0:15:250:15:26

And it makes you automatically look over your shoulder.

0:15:260:15:29

It's to spot, particularly, oncoming cyclists.

0:15:290:15:33

So, in the Netherlands it is required

0:15:330:15:35

as part of the driving test,

0:15:350:15:36

and it prevents what's called "dooring," which is basically

0:15:360:15:39

just hitting a cyclist with your car door.

0:15:390:15:41

Do you not think it's the simplest...

0:15:410:15:44

It's brilliant, it's brilliant.

0:15:440:15:46

But it suggests that when people get out of their car this way,

0:15:460:15:49

-that they just go...

-And they do. They do.

0:15:490:15:51

So, you know that noise that, if he shuts that door,

0:15:510:15:53

it's going to make a sort of clunking noise, it's fake.

0:15:530:15:56

-Did you know this?

-No!

-Yes, it's a throwback to the olden days.

0:15:560:15:59

So, we like that noise. It's the first thing we hear

0:15:590:16:02

when we get into a new car.

0:16:020:16:03

So, what happened about 15 years ago,

0:16:030:16:04

new safety standards meant the door design was changed

0:16:040:16:07

and it also changed the noise when it closed.

0:16:070:16:09

And it made it sort of tinny and metallic.

0:16:090:16:11

So, they changed the mechanism to make that sound.

0:16:110:16:14

So, the door doesn't need to make that sound, that clunking thing.

0:16:140:16:18

-Wow.

-But actually we want it to.

0:16:180:16:21

-We like that noise.

-Oh, it's nice.

-Yeah.

0:16:210:16:22

If they can choose the noise, I'd have like, you know

0:16:220:16:25

like spooky, creaking door.

0:16:250:16:26

So, the idea of making cars seem a little bit old-fashioned

0:16:280:16:30

is not a new idea. 1899, a patent was filed

0:16:300:16:33

for a Horsey Horseless vehicle, and it was a motorcar

0:16:330:16:37

with a full-size wooden horse head attached to the front.

0:16:370:16:40

-Amazing.

-That is brilliant.

-And the idea was,

0:16:400:16:42

if the car looked like a horse, it wouldn't scare the other horses.

0:16:420:16:45

I think if I was a horse and I saw the head of a horse...

0:16:450:16:49

..I would think it would cause more problems than it would solve.

0:16:500:16:53

I'd have an ostrich on the front of mine.

0:16:530:16:56

Bernie Clifton driving it.

0:16:570:16:59

So, out of the car and into the closet.

0:16:590:17:02

What's the most exciting thing you can do in a cupboard that

0:17:020:17:05

begins with O?

0:17:050:17:08

Orlando Bloom.

0:17:080:17:09

APPLAUSE

0:17:110:17:13

I organise my pants.

0:17:160:17:18

-Organising is a good one, yes.

-Organising, yeah, I enjoy that.

0:17:180:17:21

-Yeah.

-Do you organise your pants, Josh?

-Not my pants, but you know.

0:17:210:17:24

-What?

-What would you organise?

0:17:240:17:26

Well, just like a soiree.

0:17:260:17:27

Are you saying you put your pants in a cupboard?

0:17:300:17:33

Well, you can do, darling, it's not that weird.

0:17:330:17:36

No, I thought a cupboard was like, you know, in the kitchen.

0:17:360:17:39

-So, it's a new thing, you sometimes have cupboards in bedrooms.

-Yeah.

0:17:390:17:43

It's never going to take off, you're absolutely right.

0:17:440:17:48

That's the larder. I call the cupboard in the kitchen the larder.

0:17:480:17:50

Yeah. We've all got different names for these things.

0:17:500:17:52

And in the bedroom, it's the cupboard

0:17:520:17:54

-or the hanging one's a wardrobe.

-Because my girlfriend,

0:17:540:17:56

-who I live with, has got too many...

-She's in a cupboard?

0:17:560:18:00

Oh, I understand that, I spent years in the closet.

0:18:000:18:03

I totally understand that.

0:18:030:18:05

APPLAUSE

0:18:050:18:08

When you say...exciting, do you mean...?

0:18:080:18:12

-Yes, something exciting, yes.

-Like physically...

0:18:120:18:15

Unbelievably physically exciting. So, who is this in the picture?

0:18:150:18:17

Boris Becker. Because he conceived a child in a cupboard, didn't he?

0:18:170:18:20

-STEPHEN:

-Yes.

-We are in a sexual area.

0:18:200:18:22

-CALLY:

-So, orgasming in a cupboard.

0:18:220:18:24

It is an orgasm in a cupboard, but it's a very specific one.

0:18:240:18:26

-So...

-Oh, not that Woody Allen film, The Orgasmatron.

0:18:260:18:28

It is exactly this sort of thing.

0:18:280:18:30

So, in 1940 there was an Austrian psychologist called

0:18:300:18:33

Wilhelm Reich, and he started building... There he is.

0:18:330:18:36

-Doesn't look bonkers at all.

-Ooh, look at him.

0:18:360:18:38

He's got Chris Packham's haircut.

0:18:380:18:41

He wanted to harness the power of a force that he called "orgone" -

0:18:410:18:45

an amalgam of orgasm and ozone. And he said other people call it God.

0:18:450:18:48

He believed it was all around us, that it was what made the sky blue,

0:18:480:18:52

for instance. So, the idea was that you had one of these compartments,

0:18:520:18:55

you climbed naked into his special cupboard - this

0:18:550:18:58

is for illustration purposes only, but ideally she should be naked.

0:18:580:19:00

-No way.

-And you absorbed the concentrated orgone within it,

0:19:000:19:04

to reach a state of sexual satisfaction.

0:19:040:19:07

And that could cure anything from, I don't know, cancer to blisters.

0:19:070:19:10

-It was really, it was a full-range thing.

-So...

0:19:100:19:12

But are the people in that box, are they volunteers or hostages?

0:19:120:19:16

-No, people wanted to do this. It was hugely popular.

-Oh, OK.

0:19:160:19:20

-What year was, when was this?

-So, 1940.

0:19:200:19:21

He believed that sexual repression was responsible for almost

0:19:210:19:24

all physical and psychological and emotional problems, and so on.

0:19:240:19:27

-I think that's fair.

-He was a slightly strange fellow. So...

0:19:270:19:31

-No shit!

-Yeah.

0:19:310:19:33

Does it clean itself, like one of those toilets?

0:19:330:19:35

-GROANING Well, none of it's...

-"I've finished!"

0:19:350:19:39

It was very, very popular, lots of celebrities owned these cupboards.

0:19:390:19:42

JD Salinger, Norman Mailer, Sean Connery had one.

0:19:420:19:45

-AS SEAN CONNERY:

-"Sure, let's go into the cupboard."

0:19:450:19:49

The vibrator was developed by Victorian doctors, you'll know this.

0:19:500:19:54

-Yeah, I do.

-It was, wasn't it to stop women being hysterical?

0:19:540:19:56

You're absolutely right.

0:19:560:19:58

So it's widely believed that it was very damaging to women

0:19:580:20:00

-if they didn't orgasm enough.

-Yeah.

-And I think that's entirely true.

0:20:000:20:03

They had steam-operated vibrators, the first ones.

0:20:040:20:07

-Yes.

-So I'm just wondering why,

0:20:070:20:09

he's a bit late to the party with this cumbersome vibrator.

0:20:090:20:12

Well, this doesn't actually touch your pudenda in any way.

0:20:120:20:16

-But how's it...?

-It's this thing called orgone,

0:20:160:20:18

which he believed was in the ether

0:20:180:20:20

and that it would accumulate within the cupboard,

0:20:200:20:22

-and this would make you feel...

-Oh, so that's a mask?

0:20:220:20:24

No, it's just to go into the cupboard, it's an orgone shooter.

0:20:240:20:27

I can't... I'm trying to make it more sensible than it really is.

0:20:270:20:29

-Right.

-Does it work?

0:20:290:20:32

No. The US courts formally declared that orgone doesn't exist

0:20:320:20:35

and all of the cupboards were ordered to be destroyed,

0:20:350:20:38

all of the literature, and, in fact...

0:20:380:20:40

Destroyed? You could just convert it into a pant cupboard, couldn't you?

0:20:400:20:43

Yeah, you could have done.

0:20:430:20:44

Reich was imprisoned for not complying with the ban,

0:20:440:20:47

and so he actually ended up dying in prison.

0:20:470:20:50

But you're absolutely right, this whole thing about orgasm,

0:20:500:20:52

Victorian doctors, it was not uncommon, women with hysteria,

0:20:520:20:55

that they needed to get rid, they thought it was anxiety,

0:20:550:20:58

irritability, bloated stomach, any of these things could be got rid of.

0:20:580:21:01

And the prescription was to have a pelvic massage.

0:21:010:21:05

And it was a routine part of doctors' work.

0:21:050:21:07

LAUGHTER

0:21:070:21:10

That's a water jet, is it?

0:21:100:21:12

It looks like one of those Olympic sports.

0:21:120:21:15

And now...

0:21:160:21:19

..35 feet. Personal best.

0:21:190:21:21

Only 35 feet, Alan?

0:21:230:21:25

I think I can do better than that.

0:21:250:21:27

Apparently it was really boring. It was really, really boring.

0:21:280:21:31

Yeah, they used to complain about it, didn't they?

0:21:310:21:33

The doctors thought it was dull work,

0:21:330:21:35

and so there was a doctor called Dr J Mortimer Granville,

0:21:350:21:37

and he pioneered the very first vibrator.

0:21:370:21:39

It was known as Granville's Hammer...

0:21:390:21:41

..with which you percussed yourself.

0:21:430:21:45

Did he used to just hit women on the head? "Pull yourself together now."

0:21:450:21:48

-"It's great. The Barker."

-Yeah.

0:21:500:21:52

That quote isn't attributed to anyone.

0:21:520:21:54

-Where are you looking?

-That should say, "It's great.

0:21:540:21:57

-"The Evening Standard."

-Yes.

0:21:570:21:59

I think that man is telling you how marvellous it is, Mr James Barker.

0:21:590:22:02

-Oh.

-And that smile on his face, do you reckon he's using one himself?

0:22:020:22:04

-Oh, this is for girls only, this one.

-Oh, what? Oh, really?

0:22:060:22:08

-For girls only. CALLY:

-Stephen begs to differ, don't you?

0:22:080:22:11

Apparently, we've all been there.

0:22:110:22:12

OK, moving on.

0:22:140:22:15

Wilhelm Reich thought the solution to all our problems

0:22:170:22:19

was an orgasm in a cupboard.

0:22:190:22:21

What definitely won't happen to you when you sneeze?

0:22:210:22:26

You won't have a 16th of an orgasm.

0:22:260:22:29

-Isn't it a tenth?

-Is it a tenth?

0:22:290:22:31

But that might be inflation, I don't know.

0:22:310:22:33

Is there a, is there a little thrill to be had from sneezing?

0:22:340:22:36

Apparently, well, that was the myth,

0:22:360:22:38

-that if you sneezed, you'd go...

-HE SIGHS

0:22:380:22:40

But you can't physically sneeze with your eyes open, isn't that right?

0:22:420:22:46

Yeah, well, we did say that sneezing with your eyes open can't

0:22:460:22:49

make them pop out, but in fact, that is not entirely correct.

0:22:490:22:52

If you have something called floppy eyelid syndrome,

0:22:520:22:55

a sneeze can in fact force your eyeball out of your socket.

0:22:550:22:59

And we're all going to have a go!

0:22:590:23:01

So, like this.

0:23:020:23:04

So, it would be like that, and then you... Atchoo!

0:23:040:23:07

And out they pop. So that's so you can see.

0:23:070:23:09

Give it a go, have a sneeze.

0:23:140:23:15

Atchoo!

0:23:150:23:17

So, there's a technical name for it.

0:23:190:23:21

So, if your eyeball actually pops out, spontaneous...

0:23:210:23:24

ATCHOO!

0:23:240:23:25

GROANING

0:23:280:23:30

Spontaneous globe luxation is what it's called.

0:23:300:23:34

So, mostly obese men get this syndrome where your eyelid

0:23:340:23:37

can pop out. So the upper eyelid becomes very floppy

0:23:370:23:40

and it's easily turned inside-out.

0:23:400:23:42

What would the medical advice be if your eyeball popped out?

0:23:420:23:45

-Oh...

-Pop it back.

-Put it on ice.

0:23:450:23:47

Get it back in as quickly as possible, yeah.

0:23:470:23:49

No, don't put it on ice, darling, it's still attached, most likely.

0:23:490:23:52

If it's still attached,

0:23:520:23:53

look round corners that you couldn't previously look round.

0:23:530:23:56

-That's a good idea.

-Yeah.

0:23:570:23:59

Keeping an eye on you.

0:23:590:24:00

Just draw eyes on the eyelids.

0:24:000:24:03

-So, people think you can still see them.

-Yeah.

-But then

0:24:030:24:05

-you walk into things and you can't.

-No, but what are you going to do

0:24:050:24:08

about the eyeball that's out? Are you just going to leave it

0:24:080:24:11

-hanging on your cheek? What are you going to do there?

-Come Halloween,

0:24:110:24:14

your trick or treating is going to be top notch.

0:24:140:24:16

Atchoo! Argh!

0:24:160:24:19

I think the main advice is to get a medical person to do it, don't you?

0:24:190:24:22

And apparently they use a tool that looks a bit like a bent paperclip,

0:24:220:24:25

which I think would be...

0:24:250:24:26

GROANING Yes.

0:24:260:24:28

There was an American basketball player

0:24:280:24:30

called Akil Mitchell, in early 2017.

0:24:300:24:32

-No!

-He got poked in the eye during a game, he fell to the ground,

0:24:320:24:36

he was clutching his face.

0:24:360:24:37

And he described afterwards that he knew something was wrong because he

0:24:370:24:40

could feel his eyeball on his cheek, and could still see out of it.

0:24:400:24:44

GROANING

0:24:440:24:47

Oh, my God!

0:24:470:24:48

And they popped it back in all right?

0:24:480:24:50

They popped it back, he's absolutely fine now.

0:24:500:24:52

Can you just do it with your finger? Do you need the paperclip thing?

0:24:520:24:55

-No, my advice is to...

-If it happens.

0:24:550:24:56

Honestly, this is a moment for a doctor.

0:24:560:24:59

If you have a child and one of their eyeballs fall out, don't go,

0:25:000:25:03

"Darling, stop fussing," and...

0:25:030:25:04

But losing your eye, there's a famous moment in history,

0:25:060:25:09

Federico da Montefeltro, he was a famous military man during the

0:25:090:25:12

Renaissance in Italy, and he lost an eye during a jousting tournament.

0:25:120:25:16

And he was so paranoid about plans to assassinate him,

0:25:160:25:19

and the fact that he couldn't see out of one side of his face,

0:25:190:25:22

he had a notch cut, he basically had the bridge of his nose cut off

0:25:220:25:25

so that he could still see on the other side.

0:25:250:25:28

-So he could see across.

-Oh, my God!

0:25:280:25:30

Now, who would like to see a seriously eye-popping demonstration?

0:25:300:25:35

As long as no-one's eye is coming out.

0:25:350:25:37

I don't like this whole area.

0:25:370:25:39

No, it's not that. So, what we're going to do...

0:25:390:25:41

-If you get out a hoover now...

-Have a look at this.

0:25:410:25:43

So, let me just put this here.

0:25:430:25:45

And hopefully I'm going to get this the right way round.

0:25:450:25:48

-Then I have...

-Is that a steam-powered vibrator, Sandi? No?

0:25:480:25:51

No, it's adapted. OK.

0:25:510:25:53

So we can see that we have got a mirror here,

0:25:530:25:56

and if you look at this one, you can see squares,

0:25:560:25:58

and if you look in the mirror, you can see circles.

0:25:580:26:01

And if I take this one and I turn it, you can

0:26:010:26:03

see a square up here and a circle down here.

0:26:030:26:07

And if I then carry on turning it,

0:26:070:26:09

and we keep going round like this, you will see that this one at the

0:26:090:26:15

bottom will turn into a square

0:26:150:26:17

-and that one will turn into a circle.

-Witchcraft!

0:26:170:26:20

It is. I'm going to move that out the way, so I can get my hand in.

0:26:200:26:24

You can see the square, and you can see the circles in there.

0:26:240:26:26

And, as I turn, and I keep turning it like this,

0:26:260:26:30

you'll see it change and the one in the mirror becomes the square,

0:26:300:26:35

-and this one here becomes the circles.

-Oh, I don't like this.

0:26:350:26:38

-Ooh!

-And the same with this one here, as I turn it... It is

0:26:380:26:43

faintly astonishing, isn't it, you can see it becoming the circles.

0:26:430:26:47

-Oh, wow!

-And then the squares.

-That's amazing.

0:26:470:26:50

-What's happening?!

-I know! It is called

0:26:500:26:52

the Ambiguous Cylinder Illusion. It is designed by a man...

0:26:520:26:55

-Catchy name.

-Yeah.

-It is a catchy name.

0:26:550:26:58

Designed by a man called Dr Sugihara Kokichi.

0:26:580:27:02

And from one angle, the shapes look circular,

0:27:020:27:05

while in the other angle they look like cuboids. And, in fact,

0:27:050:27:08

they are a cross between the two.

0:27:080:27:10

Squircles, or rather, squircle prisms.

0:27:100:27:12

And if you want to make this at home, you absolutely can.

0:27:120:27:15

Just look up "Ambiguous Cylinder Illusion cut-out"

0:27:150:27:18

and there's a template for a paper version.

0:27:180:27:19

So you can work out how to do it. So I'm just going to put that one

0:27:190:27:22

-away.

-That's amazing.

-It IS amazing.

0:27:220:27:24

Do give it a go, because I think it's really extraordinary.

0:27:240:27:26

And the fact that our brains are flawed in this way is what

0:27:260:27:29

distinguishes us from robots.

0:27:290:27:30

Robots won't be fooled by optical illusions,

0:27:300:27:32

only human beings are fooled by optical illusions.

0:27:320:27:34

There's a very famous thing called the Adelson chequerboard illusion.

0:27:340:27:37

So, this is a chequerboard, all right?

0:27:370:27:40

And if you look at it, you would imagine that there are light

0:27:400:27:43

squares and there are dark squares.

0:27:430:27:45

But, in fact, what's happened is,

0:27:450:27:46

the green cylinder there has cast a shadow.

0:27:460:27:49

And what happens is, our eyes correct.

0:27:490:27:52

What is the truth of that is A and B are exactly the same colour.

0:27:520:27:58

-So if you see...

-No!

-If we join them together, so just those squares,

0:27:580:28:01

but because we have understood

0:28:010:28:03

there's a shadow from the green cylinder,

0:28:030:28:04

we have, in our minds, made B a lighter colour.

0:28:040:28:08

But, actually, A and B are exactly the same colour.

0:28:080:28:11

-And...

-Oh, is this how the robots are going to finally defeat us?

0:28:110:28:14

-Well, this is certainly...

-They'll chase us into a Escher painting.

0:28:140:28:17

Yes! But it's how computers may eventually be able to distinguish

0:28:170:28:21

a bot from a person, because you could give a test like this.

0:28:210:28:24

If you get the answer wrong, then you're human.

0:28:240:28:26

Because, even though I've told you A and B are the same colour,

0:28:260:28:29

when you look back to the one on the left,

0:28:290:28:31

you believe that they are different colours.

0:28:310:28:33

-Yeah.

-I still don't believe you.

0:28:330:28:35

Anyway, what's the most frightening thing you could find in an orchard?

0:28:360:28:40

Half a maggot in your apple.

0:28:420:28:44

Oh, that is a horrible thing, yeah. Yeah. What else?

0:28:440:28:49

Some sort of lethal fruit-destroying insect, or something like that?

0:28:490:28:52

-Scrumpers.

-It is an old practice.

0:28:520:28:54

People used to go scrumping, didn't they?

0:28:540:28:57

-Yeah, they did where I grew up.

-In Devon.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:28:570:28:59

-Where did you grow up?

-I was Dorset. Were you Devon?

0:28:590:29:01

-I was Devon, oh.

-How did we not scrump together, Josh?

0:29:010:29:04

-I know...

-Because I'm old enough to be your mum, that's partly why.

0:29:040:29:07

-STEPHEN:

-I'm from the big city, so "scrumping"?

-Stealing apples.

0:29:070:29:12

Stealing apples. Oh, theft? Oh.

0:29:120:29:15

So, it's something ancient called "wassailing" or "apple howling."

0:29:230:29:27

It's the practice of shouting at apple trees to get them

0:29:270:29:30

to bear good fruit. And it dates back to at least the 16th century.

0:29:300:29:33

Go out there going, "Pears! PEARS!"

0:29:330:29:36

There's an old English folk song called the Wassailing Song.

0:29:400:29:42

Yeah, there are lots of wassailing songs, and they used to beat

0:29:420:29:45

the trees while they were singing. It's to drive out the evil spirits,

0:29:450:29:48

to make sure that we get jolly good fruit.

0:29:480:29:50

They used to pour cider onto the roots.

0:29:500:29:52

And then, this is one I don't get, tie slices of toast

0:29:520:29:55

to the trunks of the tree.

0:29:550:29:57

That's just drunk people.

0:29:570:29:59

But the tradition is kept up in Somerset and Devon orchards today.

0:29:590:30:02

It's supposed to take place on the 12th day of Christmas,

0:30:020:30:04

but it quite often takes place on January 17th. Why would that be?

0:30:040:30:07

They got the dates wrong? I don't know, what's happening there?

0:30:070:30:09

No, it's the historical root, so it corresponds to the 12th day

0:30:090:30:12

of Christmas before the calendar was changed.

0:30:120:30:14

-It was changed in 1752.

-Oh.

-But orchards, hugely popular.

0:30:140:30:18

So, really beginning to proliferate in Britain in the 17th century,

0:30:180:30:21

because cider suddenly becomes popular.

0:30:210:30:23

-Oh, cider.

-And that is due to the death of the English vines.

0:30:230:30:26

We forget how much wine was originally grown in England.

0:30:260:30:28

There was a little ice age of prolonged cold weather,

0:30:280:30:31

and there was a man in 1640 called Lord Scudamore,

0:30:310:30:34

and he worked out how to make cider fizzy

0:30:340:30:36

long before people in Champagne worked out how to do Champagne.

0:30:360:30:39

And the new drink was so popular that John Evelyn, a popular writer,

0:30:390:30:42

said, "All Herefordshire has become but one entire orchard."

0:30:420:30:46

But there was some danger cos the bottles used to explode,

0:30:460:30:49

and so people would bury them in sand or hang them down wells

0:30:490:30:52

to keep them cool and prevent it happening.

0:30:520:30:54

And there were vaults cut into the side of well shafts

0:30:540:30:56

specifically for storing strong cider.

0:30:560:30:58

It was unbelievably popular. And mulled cider.

0:30:580:31:00

-Has anybody ever had hot cider? Have you ever?

-Hm.

0:31:000:31:02

-Oh, I love a mulled cider.

-Mulled cider, yes.

0:31:020:31:04

-Beautiful, isn't it?

-It's really nice.

0:31:040:31:06

-Have you seen...? STEPHEN:

-Yes, Devon thing again.

0:31:060:31:08

-Yeah.

-"Oh, cook it, better cook it! Hmm."

0:31:080:31:10

There was a thing called a "cider shoe," which was invented.

0:31:120:31:15

It was a shoe-shaped tumbler,

0:31:150:31:17

and you could poke the toe into the fire to warm the drink up.

0:31:170:31:19

-That's a good idea, isn't it?

-It's rather fine, isn't it?

0:31:190:31:22

-They'll be inventing cupboards next for clothes, won't they?

-I know.

0:31:220:31:25

Now, who stumbles into someone else's house

0:31:250:31:28

and vomits on the floor?

0:31:280:31:30

-Oh, now.

-That could be... I share a house with a 17-year-old,

0:31:300:31:33

a 19-year-old, my cat's got IBS, so it could be anybody.

0:31:330:31:36

CLAXON

0:31:360:31:38

-Yeah.

-Is it an urban fox?

-No, although that's...

0:31:430:31:46

That's what my kids said, they had all their mates round

0:31:460:31:48

from sixth form and there was a lot of debris,

0:31:480:31:50

-and they said it was urban foxes. Was that...?

-Oh, wow!

0:31:500:31:53

-What do you mean by debris?

-Well...

-Teenage detritus.

0:31:530:31:56

-Empty vodka bottles.

-Yeah.

-Oh, that, yeah. Bloody foxes, yeah.

0:31:560:31:59

-Well, we are in an animal area.

-Has it got four legs? Is it furry?

0:32:020:32:05

Does it have a tail?

0:32:050:32:07

-It's a bird.

-We play this game a lot in the car.

-It's a bird.

0:32:070:32:09

An ostrich, an emu.

0:32:090:32:11

-A blackbird.

-"Ooh-ooh."

-A cuckoo.

0:32:110:32:13

-Owl.

-No, that's a really shit impersonation I've done.

0:32:130:32:16

-It's an owl.

-That owl looks absolutely livid about something.

0:32:170:32:20

Yeah, owls almost never build their own nests.

0:32:200:32:24

And in the case of great horned owls, they steal from other birds.

0:32:240:32:28

And one of the only contributions the owl makes

0:32:280:32:31

to the nest's construction is to vomit on the floor.

0:32:310:32:33

It regurgitates pellets of undigested food

0:32:330:32:37

and when those are trampled down, that makes

0:32:370:32:39

a rather nice, soft surface on which you can incubate your eggs.

0:32:390:32:42

Apart from that, they do nothing of domestic upkeep.

0:32:420:32:44

They live in the nest until it disintegrates and then they leave.

0:32:440:32:47

There's an interesting relationship between snakes and owls,

0:32:470:32:50

actually, because the screech owl uses real snakes for protection.

0:32:500:32:53

So, if they can, they catch what's called a blind snake,

0:32:530:32:56

so that's one of these here.

0:32:560:32:57

They're about six inches long, something like that.

0:32:570:32:59

And it brings it back to the nest, and they don't eat the snake,

0:32:590:33:02

the snake burrows down into the nest floor

0:33:020:33:05

and it feeds on all the vermin and parasites.

0:33:050:33:07

And we have no idea whether they do this intentionally,

0:33:070:33:09

or the snake just escapes before the chicks can eat it,

0:33:090:33:12

but, either way, the snake helps the baby owls to grow bigger and faster.

0:33:120:33:15

-So, it's a really nice relationship.

-What else does that snake do?

0:33:150:33:18

It doesn't look good for much, to be honest, does it?

0:33:180:33:20

-STEPHEN:

-It looks like it sings, doesn't it?

-Yes. Yes.

0:33:200:33:23

Singing to the owl. "Hello. Hello."

0:33:230:33:27

Now, what's a little bit orange and very over-sensitive?

0:33:290:33:33

Donald Trump.

0:33:350:33:36

HOOTER, APPLAUSE

0:33:360:33:39

-Someone had to say it, didn't they?!

-Cally, I might be looking at you.

0:33:450:33:50

-Something to do with being ginger.

-It is to do with being red-headed.

0:33:500:33:54

So are there any particular characteristics that are

0:33:540:33:56

-more associated with redheads than...?

-Fiery.

-Fiery.

0:33:560:33:59

-They're fiery, aren't they?

-We're very attractive.

0:33:590:34:01

-Very, very attractive. STEPHEN:

-Generally translucent.

0:34:010:34:04

No, you can see, yeah, quite pale, aren't they?

0:34:060:34:08

-Pale? OK.

-Yeah.

-Quite pale.

-Yeah.

0:34:080:34:10

The fact is multiple studies have shown

0:34:100:34:12

that redheads are more sensitive to pain than the rest of us.

0:34:120:34:16

-So, unfortunately, you are more susceptible to pain.

-Do you know,

0:34:160:34:19

I think there are studies that say the opposite. I'm just saying,

0:34:190:34:22

I've also seen studies that say we've got a higher pain threshold.

0:34:220:34:25

Well, they worked out that, typically,

0:34:250:34:26

20% more anaesthetic is needed by a redhead.

0:34:260:34:29

And the way they work this out, researchers administered

0:34:290:34:32

electric shocks to redheads, while giving them

0:34:320:34:34

increasing amounts of painkiller until they stopped feeling pain.

0:34:340:34:38

And the reason is that having red hair is usually

0:34:380:34:41

caused by a mutation on a gene called MC1R.

0:34:410:34:44

And that is also involved in pain modulation.

0:34:440:34:47

And it explains why redheads are twice as likely to avoid

0:34:470:34:50

going to the dentist as the rest of us. Because you feel more pain.

0:34:500:34:53

I don't believe any of this. I don't want to cry in the face of QI,

0:34:530:34:57

but, no, I don't believe it.

0:34:570:34:58

Fair enough. Where do you think the most common red-hair gene

0:34:580:35:01

first appeared in the world? Where does it come from?

0:35:010:35:04

-Scotland.

-Ireland.

0:35:040:35:06

HOOTER

0:35:060:35:08

I think...

0:35:080:35:10

It's got to be Scotland.

0:35:110:35:13

-Scandinavia.

-No, it isn't - it's Asia, in fact. It's Central Asia.

0:35:130:35:16

-So, 20,000...

-What?!

-..or maybe 100,000, years ago.

0:35:160:35:18

It only really took off when it reached the colder,

0:35:180:35:20

darker places, like northern Europe, probably because, and you're going

0:35:200:35:23

to dispute this as well, redheads produce vitamin D more efficiently.

0:35:230:35:26

So, they can make better use of the limited sunlight.

0:35:260:35:29

Oh, I'm sure that's correct.

0:35:290:35:32

But it's very common in various parts of the UK. Why do you think that might be?

0:35:320:35:35

-Surely it's the lack of sun.

-Yeah, it's got to be the climate.

0:35:350:35:37

In places like Scotland.

0:35:370:35:39

I mean, look at our Scottish cousins, but their skin isn't just

0:35:390:35:42

sheet-white from the lack of sun, but their hair has turned red,

0:35:420:35:44

as it attempts to start its own fire for warmth.

0:35:440:35:47

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

0:35:490:35:52

Is it about people desperately wanting to procreate

0:35:550:35:57

with other ginger people, because we're so deeply attractive?

0:35:570:36:01

STEPHEN ROARS WITH LAUGHTER It's, the fact is...

0:36:010:36:04

-Sorry.

-The fact is, it's a recessive gene,

0:36:050:36:08

so it excels in relatively closed communities, I'm afraid.

0:36:080:36:12

-Oh.

-It requires a level of inbreeding.

0:36:120:36:14

We're from Dorset and Devon, thank you very much!

0:36:140:36:17

Honestly, it requires a level of in-breeding.

0:36:170:36:20

-That's the truth.

-My friend, she's got red hair

0:36:200:36:23

and she went on holiday to the Philippines, and people were

0:36:230:36:27

stopping her in the street to have their photo taken with her.

0:36:270:36:31

-Because they just love...

-They just couldn't believe that she existed.

0:36:310:36:34

Like she was a celebrity.

0:36:350:36:37

I was in mainland China for the first time ever, doing gigs,

0:36:370:36:40

and I could not tell you how many people stopped me

0:36:400:36:43

in the street, asking to take a selfie with me, right?

0:36:430:36:45

I mean, it was as though they'd never ever seen a tall person before.

0:36:450:36:49

So, can you imagine if I was ginger as well?

0:36:520:36:54

They'd be carrying me out of the building!

0:36:540:36:57

Obviously I don't speak Mandarin or Cantonese, I'm in a packed lift

0:36:580:37:01

in China, all these people - I'm not even joking -

0:37:010:37:03

the only phrase I could decipher was this...

0:37:030:37:06

"..pube-head."

0:37:060:37:08

You absolutely need to put that on your posters.

0:37:110:37:14

I think that should be...

0:37:140:37:16

Now for the oddly shambolic omnishambles that we call

0:37:170:37:20

General Ignorance.

0:37:200:37:21

Fingers on buzzers, please. What did the Nazis call this?

0:37:210:37:25

-Um...

-Aaah...

0:37:250:37:28

Aah. Who's going to go for it?

0:37:290:37:31

Stephen?

0:37:310:37:32

The future.

0:37:320:37:33

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

0:37:330:37:36

Not... I'm told they didn't call it a swastika.

0:37:420:37:44

They did not call it the swastika.

0:37:440:37:46

They called it the Hakenkreuz. It's the German for "hooked cross,"

0:37:460:37:49

and in Germany, in fact, it's still referred to, except when discussing

0:37:490:37:52

it in a neo-Nazi context, in which case it's called the swastika.

0:37:520:37:55

But Hitler was mad for it.

0:37:550:37:56

And after his party adopted the swastika, he actually

0:37:560:37:59

changed his signature to S Hitler,

0:37:590:38:01

because the shape of the S mimicked...

0:38:010:38:03

There, you can see there, it mimicked the shape of the swastika.

0:38:030:38:06

-Sadolf.

-Yes, Sadolf.

0:38:060:38:08

Sadolf Shitler.

0:38:090:38:12

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

0:38:120:38:14

Anyway, who was the last monarch to be crowned

0:38:190:38:23

at the abbey in Westminster?

0:38:230:38:25

Has there been one since the Queen?

0:38:260:38:29

HOOTER

0:38:290:38:32

-That's wrong, then, is it?

-So it's not her.

-Not her.

0:38:320:38:34

-So it's not her.

-Oh, was it Queen Latifah?

0:38:340:38:36

Here's the thing, it's not actually an abbey.

0:38:400:38:43

And that is what makes it a trick question.

0:38:430:38:46

So, Henry VIII is the answer,

0:38:460:38:47

because since his dissolution of the monasteries, it is

0:38:470:38:49

no longer technically an abbey, so if it's not an abbey, it's a...?

0:38:490:38:53

-Church.

-It's called a Royal Peculiar.

0:38:530:38:56

-A Royal Peculiar.

-It's called a Royal Peculiar.

0:38:560:38:58

So, it's a church subject to the direct jurisdiction of the monarch.

0:38:580:39:01

And although Henry VIII officially did make it a cathedral

0:39:010:39:04

by charter in 1540, it was Elizabeth who made it into a Royal Peculiar.

0:39:040:39:08

And that is what it is today.

0:39:080:39:09

It's the Collegiate Church of St Peter at Westminster.

0:39:090:39:12

Did you know, it's home to the oldest stuffed parrot in the world?

0:39:120:39:16

It was an African Grey that belonged to the Duchess of Richmond.

0:39:160:39:20

It died within days of its owner, in 1702.

0:39:200:39:24

And it was placed on a perch next to a model of the Duchess.

0:39:240:39:27

And they have remained together ever since. But they're in

0:39:270:39:29

-the building's attic.

-You don't see that in Madame Tussauds, do you?

0:39:290:39:32

You do not, and you should, frankly.

0:39:320:39:34

There is one person buried in Westminster Abbey standing up.

0:39:340:39:36

-Anybody know who that is?

-A William?

-No, it's in Poet's Corner.

0:39:360:39:40

Queen Latifah.

0:39:400:39:42

No, it's Ben Johnson.

0:39:430:39:45

He was England's very first Poet Laureate,

0:39:450:39:47

but, despite that, he died very, very poor.

0:39:470:39:49

And you had to be able to buy the space,

0:39:490:39:50

so you needed a six foot long space.

0:39:500:39:52

He didn't have that much money, so he bought a two foot square

0:39:520:39:55

piece of floor space and was buried standing up.

0:39:550:39:57

-They just dropped him in it?

-They dropped him in it, yeah, absolutely.

0:39:570:40:00

Headfirst or feet first? Hopefully feet first.

0:40:000:40:02

-I would imagine feet first.

-Don't know, he's dead, mate.

-Yeah.

0:40:020:40:05

But Henry VIII's dissolution of the monasteries,

0:40:050:40:07

as well as changing the status of Westminster,

0:40:070:40:09

it also meant that we hardly have any physical record of Old English

0:40:090:40:12

left whatsoever, because he destroyed most of the texts.

0:40:120:40:15

All of the surviving Old English poems, including Beowulf,

0:40:150:40:18

could fit in an average cardboard box.

0:40:180:40:21

That's all that we have left, because it was all got rid of.

0:40:210:40:24

Westminster Abbey is not an abbey, peculiarly enough, it's a Peculiar.

0:40:240:40:29

How many species of camel are there?

0:40:290:40:32

Two.

0:40:330:40:35

HOOTER

0:40:350:40:37

-More than that...?

-More than that. Yes.

0:40:400:40:43

We used to think it was two, so Carl Linnaeus,

0:40:430:40:45

he named the dromedaries and the domestic Bactrians, back in 1758.

0:40:450:40:49

120 years later, the Russian geographer

0:40:490:40:52

Nikolay Przhevalsky, discovered wild Bactrians.

0:40:520:40:55

So, the truth is that there are actually three of them.

0:40:550:40:58

They used to think wild Bactrians were

0:40:580:41:00

a subspecies of the Bactrians, but we now know from recent DNA analysis

0:41:000:41:03

they're a totally different species.

0:41:030:41:05

-Beautiful, aren't they?

-Aren't they stunning? I think they ARE stunning!

0:41:050:41:09

Who was it said a camel is a horse designed by committee?

0:41:090:41:13

Have you been on a camel ride?

0:41:140:41:16

-I have.

-It's glorious.

0:41:160:41:17

I have been on a camel ride. It doesn't go well.

0:41:170:41:20

Oh.

0:41:200:41:22

I did a... I did a magic show once, where I was asked

0:41:220:41:25

to "magically" appear on a camel.

0:41:250:41:28

And you know my feelings of beasts like this.

0:41:280:41:30

-Hm. CALLY:

-Why did you point at me when you said that?

0:41:300:41:33

Don't, she's very sensitive to pain!

0:41:340:41:37

And it was one of those one-hump ones.

0:41:370:41:39

I'm not sure - what's the big difference

0:41:390:41:41

between the two humps and the one hump?

0:41:410:41:43

-It's the number of humps.

-Is that it?

0:41:430:41:45

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

0:41:450:41:49

-OK, so I was on the one with the one hump.

-Right.

0:41:510:41:54

-And they put this sort of square seat on the hump.

-Yeah.

0:41:540:41:57

-I'm like, "How am I going to get on the hump?"

-Yeah.

0:41:570:42:00

And I had to have a man... and give me one of those, like...

0:42:000:42:02

-But you get a ladder.

-They don't like it.

-No.

0:42:020:42:04

-They don't want you on their backs!

-And they turn around and look at you

0:42:040:42:07

with their faces, like...

0:42:070:42:08

It's too much.

0:42:110:42:12

There's a couple of them in London Zoo

0:42:120:42:14

and they're great big things, and they look at you with contempt.

0:42:140:42:17

You know, "What, are you back again?" "I'm a member, all right?!

0:42:170:42:20

"I've got a family membership.

0:42:220:42:24

"So, why don't you just, for once, just change your whole attitude?"

0:42:240:42:27

"I don't like you. I don't like you."

0:42:270:42:29

There are three species of camel,

0:42:290:42:31

but sadly, the third doesn't have three humps.

0:42:310:42:33

Which brings us to the scores.

0:42:330:42:34

This week's winner,

0:42:340:42:36

with minus 12, it's Josh.

0:42:360:42:38

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:42:380:42:40

In second place, with a magnificent debut,

0:42:430:42:45

minus 14, Cally.

0:42:450:42:47

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:42:470:42:49

Third place, minus 18,

0:42:530:42:55

Stephen. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:42:550:42:57

And, with a truly marvellous minus 69, Alan.

0:42:590:43:04

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:43:040:43:06

So, Josh takes home this week's objectionable object prize,

0:43:120:43:15

which is this hilarious comedy eyeball.

0:43:150:43:18

There you go, there you go, fantastic.

0:43:180:43:20

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:43:200:43:22

So, it's thanks to Cally, Josh, Stephen and Alan,

0:43:220:43:24

and I leave you with this advice from La Code Gourmand,

0:43:240:43:28

a book of etiquette written in 1828.

0:43:280:43:30

"When you are seated next to a lady,

0:43:300:43:32

"you should be only polite during the first course.

0:43:320:43:34

"You may be gallant in the second,

0:43:340:43:36

"but you must not be tender till the dessert.

0:43:360:43:38

"When you have the misfortune to sit next to a child,

0:43:380:43:41

"your only plan is to make him drunk as soon as possible."

0:43:410:43:44

Goodnight.

0:43:440:43:45

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:43:450:43:48

Sandi Toksvig organises an omnishambles. Learn how to throw the two-handed javelin, meet the woman who never knew that she had won an Olympic gold medal, and much more besides. With Josh Widdicombe, Stephen K Amos, Cally Beaton and Alan Davies.


Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS