The Occult QI XL


The Occult

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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to QI.

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Tonight's show is an other-worldly odyssey

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through the mysterious occult.

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Please offer up oblations to the Prince of Darkness - Russell Brand.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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The Beast of Revelations, Aisling Bea.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The Lord of the Flies, Noel Fielding.

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LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And, hell, yes, it's Alan Davies!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hey-hey!

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That was a terrifying outfit. LAUGHTER

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I was really hoping there'd be a new car under there, but it's just Alan.

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And their buzzers are obligingly ominous. Russell goes...

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WOLF HOWLS

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Aisling goes...

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EVIL CACKLING

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And Noel goes...

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EVIL LAUGHTER

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And Alan goes...

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OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC

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FAIRGROUND MUSIC PLAYS ON ORGAN

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Hey, right. We're going to begin with some mind-reading,

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but those of you who are psychic will already know that.

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We have asked some members of our front row to write some

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words on cards and put them in an envelope, which I have not seen.

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So if the QI minion, this is our magic minion,

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can please collect them,

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then we're going to attempt some spooky mind-reading.

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And what are they? Just facts, or?

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It's just a word, a single word, is that right?

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Each one's written a single word.

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So the minion is going to give me the cards.

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Do you believe in this kind of thing?

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-Do you believe in mind-reading?

-Yes.

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OK. LAUGHTER

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So in order for this to work, I need to make my mind a complete blank.

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Alan, how do I do that?

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LAUGHTER

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Oh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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Now, some of you may know I have an ear piece,

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I don't want you to think that in any way that anybody can

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communicate with me, so I can't use that.

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What's going to happen now is that I am going to place the card

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to my head, and I need to concentrate.

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I'm going to say...potato. Who said potato?

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-Anybody say? You did say potato?

-Did you?

-OK.

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Very, very good. Indeed.

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OK, let's do the next one. LAUGHTER

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Let's see. Oh, this one's difficult.

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This one is very difficult.

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I am going to say sin, something to do with sin...

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..synchronicity?

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It is, synchronicity is your word?

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She's a witch, burn her!

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Goodness. Oh, indeed, OK.

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So, we'll just do one more and see if I can think.

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Oh, this one's nice - mushroom. I think it's mushroom.

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Yes. Absolutely. Well, there we go, that will do.

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APPLAUSE

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-So...

-There was a real...

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-There was a real disparity between what inspired you lot there.

-Yeah.

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As in, like, you really dug deep around mushroom, didn't you?

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Yeah. So, anybody know how I did that?

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Does anybody have any idea how that happens?

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-Because you can read minds?

-Yes, that's exactly what happened.

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Basically, you can read menus, is what I got from that.

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LAUGHTER

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-Yeah, mushrooms and potatoes.

-Mushroom, potato.

-Yeah.

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See, I love those tricks, I think they're fantastic,

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-I mean, clearly they are a trick. And...

-What?!

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Of genius, a trick of genius, in some way.

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Are you a fan of magic shows, Russell?

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I'm astounded that we're all just sat here

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while you have unravelled one of the great mysteries of the universe.

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Now we're going to have to work out through which necromancy

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you have taken over Bake-Off.

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LAUGHTER

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You've managed to install Noel Fielding,

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an astonishing piece of casting. What's next?

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I'm channelling Mrs Beeton, that's what's happening.

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-You have powers beyond my comprehension.

-I know, I know.

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So what I'm going to do, I'm going to take a blank card like this

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and I'm going to write a word myself on it,

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and I'm going to stick it in an envelope.

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And then we will place that in this big book,

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so that it's not possible for me to change it.

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Russell can see it from where you are.

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I saw your eyes looking. He's cheating.

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Yeah, but I would never use that knowledge to trick the QI audience.

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OK, let's put it on there, let's put it on there

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so that I can't cheat with it, you can all see it, it's in...

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There it is, it's in plain sight, OK.

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So, there used to be a thought that some people could read

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through something other than their eyes.

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It's called dermo-optical perception, or cutaneous perception.

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And the idea is, so I put it against my head

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so that you could read through your fingers

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or you could read through your skin.

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I've been warned about men where they come at you

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in that sort of position.

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It's like, "I'm going to read you!"

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You're like, "Argh!"

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Well, in World War I, there's a wonderful story.

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There was a lot of paranoia in Europe, as you can imagine,

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and there was a lady's maid, and she was stopped and strip-searched

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in Germany, and they found secret writing on her bottom, OK.

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And they arrested her, they photographed the writing,

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and they sent it to German military intelligence.

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Her bottom was much discussed and much looked at.

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It turned out that the maid, on the train, had been worried

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that the loo would be dirty, and she'd put newspaper on the seat.

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LAUGHTER

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And the writing was several articles from the Frankfurter Zeitung,

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which I like. They were able to read the newspaper off her arse.

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But, in fact, our mind-reading

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was done by a completely different trick.

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There was a mentalist who used to be known as Alexander -

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The Man Who Knows.

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-I've got that very poster.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

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Do you know who he actually is, Alexander, The Man Who Knows?

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-He was called Alexander.

-LAUGHTER

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And he worked as a psychic.

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His real name was Claude Conlin and he was from South Dakota.

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I got it in Coney Island.

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And they still have contortionists

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and people who stick nails in themselves.

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They're people who do actual extraordinary things.

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Get a real job!

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There's one lad who can get himself through a tennis racket.

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But there's no strings on it.

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LAUGHTER

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-Be a bit sick.

-That would be a trick, wouldn't it?

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He comes out like human chips!

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But to do it, he has to dislocate his shoulder to get through it.

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And he's 23, or something.

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-And I said, "Are you not worried by long-term implications?"

-Yeah.

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And he said, "Well, I've been told that my shoulders will be ruined

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"by the time I'm 40."

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I said, "Well, stop doing it, then." And he wouldn't.

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But he was quite a guy, Alexander.

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He married 8 to 14 women, many at the same time.

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We don't know exactly how many, maybe 14 women.

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-14 women?

-Yeah, it's quite a lot.

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That's not that many, is it, Russell?

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LAUGHTER

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A conservative mind-bender!

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I can't tell you how we read the mind of our front row,

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but I can say that we have a plant in the audience.

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-Yeah.

-CHUCKLING

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OK, so I've got an object here for you.

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-There's one for you guys to share.

-Thank you very much.

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And one for you to share.

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And I want you to tell me how you would use it to burgle a house.

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-OK, so...

-I... I've an idea.

-Yes, go on, then.

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Well, I think what you'd do is, you would melt the waxen tips.

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-There are waxen tips.

-There are.

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You would get the finger prints of the person whose house it

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was on their hi-tech James Bond style fingerprint system.

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-Yeah.

-I don't know how you get in that bit,

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cos if you've got that kind of access to the person,

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simply charm them into allowing you in to rob the safe at your leisure.

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And then you put their fingerprints on there,

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then you put this very discreet garment on your other hand

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and wander into Canary Wharf, or wherever it is, and say -

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"I'm just one of the people who happens to live here.

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"Don't judge me by that. I move among you.

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"I love you. I'm a banker, just like you."

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Then you press all the buttons, you're in there,

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-and that's how you rob their house.

-And that's that sorted.

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-Simple business.

-Yeah. I don't know why we didn't think of that.

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LAUGHTER

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What we really needed was the pickled hand of a hang...

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That one's gone rogue!

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I think you could only rob a house if Freddy Krueger lived there.

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Just put your hand through the letterbox and the dog lets you in.

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We wanted to set fire to them,

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but apparently it's a health and safety nightmare.

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There's a fire there, though.

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Why is fire allowed there and not near Noel?

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-Now I understand.

-I think the worry was that...

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LAUGHTER

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-Who wants me to try?

-CHEERING

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-OK.

-Don't put it near your hair product, will you?

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-Are you left or right handed?

-Well, the glove is left handed.

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Yeah, but...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-OK. So hang on, is that it?

-There we go.

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Light the others. I used to do this with...

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-AISLING:

-So, in answer to your question, Sandi,

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-while they're doing that, I go and burgle the house.

-Yes.

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Is that what it is?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Hi, nice to meet you.

-OTHERS SING:

-Happy birthday to you.

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A really rubbish kid's thing.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Is it the flame that's significant?

-Kind of.

-Or the rubber?

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So, you needed the pickled hand of a hanged man, OK?

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-Oh, wow.

-You then needed to make

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a candle from the fat of the condemned man.

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-Ugh!

-And then, in an idea world, you would make the wick out of his hair.

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It's called a Hand of Glory.

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If you were holding the Hand of Glory,

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and the Hand of Glory had a...

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LAUGHTER

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That's not the Hand of Glory, Sandi. That's the Hand of Glory.

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It was a race.

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It's sweet when boys are so pleased with themselves.

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LAUGHTER

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It's a good job this desk is here.

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No, you're all right. Um...

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So the idea was, if you held one of these

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when you went into somebody's house,

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it would have a stupefying effect upon them, and put them to sleep.

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Now, the only photograph that we have of a genuine Hand of Glory

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is courtesy of the Whitby Museum,

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and that is probably the only one still in existence, and that was...

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It's quite a wild pitch, like, for Dragons' Den, to go,

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"I've got this idea, all we need is one hand

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"of a hanged man, we stick his hair in there,

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"make a candle out of his skin, the hair is going to be the wick.

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"That's important. When we go into the house,

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"it'll automatically send people to sleep

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"and that's how we're going to burgle the house."

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"I'm in, £250,000. I see nothing wrong with this idea."

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-NOEL:

-Or just wait till they go on holiday.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, the Observer, in 1831,

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reported on the 16th of January, "Burglars entered a house

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"in County Meath, armed with a dead man's hand

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"with a lighted candle in it, believing in the superstitious

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"notion that it would prevent those who may be asleep from awaking."

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-Do you think it worked?

-No.

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No, they woke instantly and raised the alarm.

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-Screamed their heads off.

-Yeah, absolutely.

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-He's got a burning hand!

-LAUGHTER

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Anybody know where the term Hand of Glory comes from?

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-Russell!

-LAUGHTER

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I feel I'm looking the wrong way, really, for this...

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I don't know, but I'm going to Google it

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and see whose picture comes up.

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-It's an old word for the mandrake root, mandragore.

-Oh.

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Which was supposed to look a bit like human beings.

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But the good thing is, if you thought that somebody

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was going to come at you with a Hand of Glory,

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you could protect yourself. This is good. There's an unguent

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which you can rub around the threshold

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of your house, and it's very simple. You just need a...

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-I'm glad you said "of your house," then.

-Yes.

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LAUGHTER

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You need gall of black cat, fat of white hen and blood of screech owl.

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And if you do those things, then that'll protect you.

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What's a screech owl?

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One of them.

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The Irish were very keen on all these old folklores.

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In fact, Irish butter makers would incorporate a dead man's hand

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taken fresh from the graveyard in their recipes

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and the milk would be stirred around nine times with the hand.

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Erm, just on behalf of Ireland, that is no longer done.

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Please continue to buy Irish butter, where and if you can.

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LAUGHTER

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-Shares in Kerrygold have just gone through the floor.

-Yeah.

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My favourite of these is from a book called Folklore Of Herefordshire.

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The cure for whooping cough

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was to make a child eat a slice of bread and butter

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that had sat in the hand of a corpse.

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LAUGHTER AND GROANS

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"You'll eat it till it's finished,

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"and then we'll return the corpse."

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But I didn't mention, in the recipe for the Hand of Glory,

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it needs to be the left hand. Why would that be?

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Makes it feel like it's someone else.

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LAUGHTER

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So you can deny it was you burgling the house.

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"It didn't feel like me!"

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-NOEL:

-Is it something to do with Satan?

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It's to do with it being sinister.

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-So, sinister is the Latin word for left.

-Oh.

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So that's where we get sinister from.

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That's another thing, in Ireland they used to beat...

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My mother was a left hand, with a left... "Was a left hand!"

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LAUGHTER

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Here she is!

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"Oh, hiya, Mammy." "Hello, Aisling."

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"I still love you and I never left."

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"Oh, thanks, Mammy."

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LAUGHTER

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My mother was left handed,

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and in Ireland, they think the devil is in your left hand.

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They used to beat it out of kids and force them

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to write with their right hand.

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The... I don't want to say it, but, like...

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It was the nuns!

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LAUGHTER

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But, yeah, they used to beat them across the hands,

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and most kids were forced, probably, I'd say, until the '70s,

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-to do everything with their right hand.

-Wow.

-Yeah. Yeah.

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Well, the occult was also used against burglars.

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So there used to be quite a lot of book curses,

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because books were phenomenally expensive.

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So in the Middle Ages they wanted to stop people from stealing books.

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This is a fantastic one from a 15th-century manuscript

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owned by Count Jean d'Orleans.

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-He's covering a lot of bases, there.

-He is really, yeah.

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-He don't want that book stolen.

-No, that's not going to...

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-Look after it.

-Yeah.

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And, in fact, if you go to Edinburgh now,

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you can go to the Writers' Museum.

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It was built in 1622 by William Gray of Pittendrum.

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And he was so worried about burglars,

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if you look at the steps, they're all different heights,

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because he knew that they were different heights,

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he would have heard a burglar coming.

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It's a rather clever idea, isn't it?

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Because you'd hear them going, "These steps are ridiculous!"

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It's actually called Lady Stair's House. Have you ever been?

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I went there, but I found the stairs quite taxing.

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So I turned around and went home.

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It was midnight, no-one else was there, it was dark.

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Now, which horny member of royalty

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is immune from any form of legal prosecution?

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EVIL CACKLING Yes?

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Prince Andrew?

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KLAXON Oh, no.

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-It's going to be something with horns?

-Yes.

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Is it, like, a royal cow, or something?

0:14:560:14:58

-No. There should be, I think.

-The Royal Cow.

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-NOEL:

-That's a snail, what you're doing.

0:15:010:15:03

LAUGHTER

0:15:030:15:06

-Brian from Magic Roundabout.

-Magic Roundabout.

-Hello.

0:15:060:15:10

-Who was it - Florence and Dougal?

-Yeah.

0:15:100:15:11

And there was the one who's based on Bob Dylan, the rabbit.

0:15:110:15:14

Dylan. And he was stoned all the time.

0:15:140:15:16

Yeah, exactly, it was the '70s.

0:15:160:15:18

You were allowed to be stoned in a children's cartoon.

0:15:180:15:21

-AISLING:

-Helen, did you say?

0:15:210:15:23

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Dylan.

-Dylan, yeah.

-Dylan.

-Dylan, yeah.

0:15:230:15:25

Yes, we just said that, thanks. We said that.

0:15:250:15:27

That person just woke up. "Dylan, they're talking about Dylan!"

0:15:270:15:30

LAUGHTER

0:15:300:15:31

"They're talking about Magic Roundabout! Dylan!"

0:15:310:15:34

The guy's just beginning to get the hang of mind-reading.

0:15:370:15:39

-"Mushroom! Mushroom!"

-LAUGHTER

0:15:410:15:44

"Potato!"

0:15:440:15:45

Come on, now - horny member of royalty.

0:15:450:15:47

-In the context of the occult...

-Yes.

0:15:470:15:49

-..who is a horny royal?

-The Devil.

0:15:490:15:51

The Devil is exactly right.

0:15:510:15:52

The Devil. You can't prosecute the Devil?

0:15:520:15:55

No, so, in 1971, there was an American called Gerald Mayo,

0:15:550:15:58

attempted to sue the Devil.

0:15:580:16:00

And there is the case.

0:16:000:16:02

"United States ex rel. Gerald Mayo

0:16:020:16:04

"vs Satan and His Staff."

0:16:040:16:07

And it was heard by the US District Court

0:16:070:16:10

for the Western District of Pennsylvania.

0:16:100:16:12

Mr Mayo alleged, "Satan has on numerous occasions caused

0:16:120:16:15

"plaintiff misery and unwarranted threats.

0:16:150:16:18

"Against the will of the plaintiff, Satan has placed deliberate

0:16:180:16:20

"obstacles in his path and has caused the plaintiff's downfall."

0:16:200:16:24

The first point that was raised by the judge,

0:16:240:16:26

a man called Gerald J Weber, was that he wasn't sure that they

0:16:260:16:30

could prosecute Satan, as Satan was technically a foreign prince

0:16:300:16:34

and, if sued, he might be able to claim immunity.

0:16:340:16:37

Surely it's a typo, he meant "Stan."

0:16:370:16:39

LAUGHTER

0:16:390:16:41

And in the end they refused his request,

0:16:430:16:45

because nobody could find an address to serve Satan the papers.

0:16:450:16:48

You actually have to put it in their hand, don't you?

0:16:480:16:50

-Yeah.

-Otherwise it doesn't count.

0:16:500:16:51

-Yeah.

-Wow!

0:16:510:16:52

There was a guy who filed a suit against God,

0:16:520:16:54

seeking a permanent injunction against His harmful activities.

0:16:540:16:57

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers.

0:16:570:16:59

Again, the suit dismissed cos God was not properly notified.

0:16:590:17:02

Although Chambers said, you know,

0:17:030:17:05

"His omniscience would surely mean that He knows already."

0:17:050:17:08

In fact, Ernie Chambers brought the case

0:17:080:17:09

to show that some court cases are frivolous.

0:17:090:17:11

But do you know about the Devil's Advocate?

0:17:110:17:13

-Do you know about that?

-Avocado?

-As in being one?

0:17:130:17:15

Well, it's a Roman Catholic thing, the Devil's Advocate.

0:17:150:17:17

Yeah, as in to play Devil's Advocate?

0:17:170:17:19

Well, that's where the phrase comes from,

0:17:190:17:21

but it used to be a proper job.

0:17:210:17:22

It was the job of the Devil's Advocate to argue the case

0:17:220:17:25

against proposed sainthoods. So his job was to say,

0:17:250:17:28

"This person is going to come up to be a saint,

0:17:280:17:30

"I don't think it's a good idea."

0:17:300:17:31

It was got rid of by Pope John Paul II in 1983,

0:17:310:17:34

and the number of saints just shot through the roof.

0:17:340:17:36

482 in his 27-year tenure,

0:17:360:17:38

compared with 98 for the rest of the 20th century,

0:17:380:17:41

and more than all his predecessors combined,

0:17:410:17:43

going back to the 16th century.

0:17:430:17:44

It's quite cool. It's like a casting, isn't it?

0:17:440:17:46

-Just went crazy, making saints. AISLING:

-Yeah.

0:17:460:17:48

I think I should be a saint. Mm, not sure...

0:17:480:17:50

So, when Mother Teresa was nominated for the sainthood,

0:17:500:17:52

Christopher Hitchens was asked by the Roman Catholic Church

0:17:520:17:55

to say why it was a bad idea for her to be.

0:17:550:17:56

And he stood up and made a speech and said, basically,

0:17:560:17:59

-"She was a wrong 'un."

-Wow.

0:17:590:18:01

-It's like a roast.

-Yeah, it is exactly like that!

0:18:010:18:04

Anybody know the correct way to greet the Devil?

0:18:050:18:07

-High-five?

-No.

-I reckon there's got to be some deference in it,

0:18:070:18:11

you go down on one knee, little bit of a hornpipe,

0:18:110:18:13

stick an elbow out, two thumbs up, come on,

0:18:130:18:16

take us on a wild, giddy journey.

0:18:160:18:18

OK, yeah. Down on one knee is a good place to start.

0:18:180:18:22

-See?

-Like, no, not a blowy.

-LAUGHTER

0:18:220:18:25

It's the kiss of shame, you have to kiss the Devil's...

0:18:270:18:29

-You kiss his ring?

-His arse, you have to kiss his arse. There it is.

0:18:290:18:33

-The Devil's arse?

-What?!

-Yeah.

-Kiss his bum.

0:18:330:18:35

The Osculum Infame, the Kiss of Shame. Kissing the Devil's arse.

0:18:350:18:39

I like the idea of the Devil presenting his anus to you

0:18:390:18:42

and you not going for it, and just leaving, and him being embarrassed.

0:18:420:18:45

Do you think he lifts his own tail or do you have to lift his tail?

0:18:450:18:49

Flick that tail right up, reveal the anus, a little wink.

0:18:490:18:52

Give us a kiss.

0:18:520:18:54

I'd like it if it was like a Pez dispenser,

0:18:540:18:55

so, like, when it lifts up, you get a little Devil sweet.

0:18:550:18:58

You're like, yum-yum, thank you.

0:18:580:18:59

You've crossed... You've crossed the line, did you hear that noise?

0:18:590:19:02

LAUGHTER

0:19:020:19:04

-Sweets from the Devil's arse? No.

-Not on the BBC.

0:19:040:19:07

The rest of that chat's fine, but we're drawing the line there.

0:19:070:19:12

We like Pez and you've ruined it for us!

0:19:120:19:15

-LAUGHTER

-Mushroom!

0:19:150:19:17

Alan actually knows the parameters.

0:19:190:19:21

We think of you as a sort of a shambling, lovable figure,

0:19:210:19:25

but you actually are sensing stuff, like a shaman.

0:19:250:19:28

-You're reading their minds, Alan.

-Yeah.

0:19:280:19:31

No, they just made a funny noise.

0:19:310:19:33

Now, over to O for Osterreich.

0:19:340:19:37

Here are four sculptures.

0:19:370:19:40

Which is the constipated one?

0:19:400:19:43

LAUGHTER

0:19:430:19:44

Hmm...

0:19:440:19:45

They look like the four stages of Victor Meldrew.

0:19:450:19:48

Are they done by the same person?

0:19:490:19:51

They're all done by exactly the same sculptor.

0:19:510:19:53

I can tell you what the other ones are called.

0:19:530:19:55

There's one called The Yawner.

0:19:550:19:57

There's one called The Strong Odour.

0:19:570:19:59

And there's one called The Vexed Man.

0:19:590:20:00

So let's have a look and see which ones they are.

0:20:000:20:03

The Constipated One is number three.

0:20:030:20:06

Strong Odour and the Vexed One.

0:20:060:20:07

And there's also one called the Incapable Bassoonist.

0:20:070:20:10

LAUGHTER

0:20:100:20:11

These are all by an 18th-century German sculptor

0:20:110:20:14

called Franz Messerschmidt.

0:20:140:20:16

There are 43 that survive today.

0:20:160:20:18

The man suffered from terrible digestive disorders,

0:20:180:20:21

and to distract himself during really painful episodes,

0:20:210:20:24

he would pinch himself all over.

0:20:240:20:25

And he noticed in the mirror the expressions that he would make,

0:20:250:20:28

and he decided to record what he referred to as

0:20:280:20:30

the 64 canonical grimaces of the human face with sculpture.

0:20:300:20:34

And he spent 11 years making those amazing heads.

0:20:340:20:38

But he had hallucinations, and he believed that he saw ghosts,

0:20:380:20:41

and he was much troubled, frankly.

0:20:410:20:43

I feel like that's the order of me waiting on a text back from a guy.

0:20:430:20:47

LAUGHTER

0:20:470:20:49

I love them,

0:20:490:20:50

because it's as though you can see inside the pain of somebody.

0:20:500:20:53

-I think they...

-Did he do any cheerful ones?

0:20:530:20:55

-He wasn't given to...

-Watching Morecambe and Wise.

0:20:550:20:57

Yeah, he wasn't really given to cheerfulness.

0:20:570:20:59

-How big are they?

-They're proper busts, you know.

-Right.

0:20:590:21:02

-There's... I mean, the man was a skilled Baroque sculptor.

-Right.

0:21:020:21:05

And after his death, they were exhibited at the Citizens Hospital in Vienna.

0:21:050:21:08

You mentioned necromancy, he was very interested in that,

0:21:080:21:10

using magic to communicate with the dead,

0:21:100:21:12

it was one of the things that he was very interested in.

0:21:120:21:14

-He had a wide range of interests, didn't he, the fella?

-Yeah.

0:21:140:21:17

He's sculpting faces, trying to depict mental illness,

0:21:170:21:19

-and still trying to summons up the dead.

-Yeah. He was very busy.

0:21:190:21:22

-Where'd he find the time?

-I know.

0:21:220:21:24

Now, time for mind-reading number two.

0:21:240:21:28

OK, so for this, I'm going to ask Aisling, please, to channel

0:21:280:21:32

Carol Vorderman for me, if you don't mind.

0:21:320:21:35

-Vr-o-o-o-p.

-So here is a pen.

0:21:350:21:37

So you've got to hold it up so that everybody can see.

0:21:370:21:40

-Yes.

-So maybe Alan can help you with that.

0:21:400:21:42

Well, I think I'm all right.

0:21:420:21:44

No, no, I mean hold it up so that the audience can see

0:21:440:21:47

what you're writing.

0:21:470:21:48

-Oh, I see what you mean. Yes.

-LAUGHTER

0:21:480:21:51

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Thank God I got this big strong man with me

0:21:520:21:55

to carry this heavy old board.

0:21:550:21:57

-Oh!

-LAUGHTER

0:21:570:21:59

There's a gentleman wearing a T-shirt

0:22:010:22:02

that says "Love Is" something.

0:22:020:22:04

Any random number, please.

0:22:040:22:06

-Just single-digit number.

-Eight.

-It wasn't a difficult question.

0:22:060:22:10

-LAUGHTER

-Eight.

-He's gone eight.

0:22:100:22:13

-Write that down, please.

-OK.

0:22:130:22:15

Just to warn you, you're going to write a three-digit number

0:22:150:22:17

and there's going to be quite a lot of numbers.

0:22:170:22:19

-So, eight.

-Oh, dear God. LAUGHTER

0:22:190:22:22

Could you just start again? OK.

0:22:290:22:31

That was just me having a gentle laugh with you, Sandi.

0:22:310:22:34

I love it. There is... Let's go right up the back there,

0:22:340:22:37

first row at the very back.

0:22:370:22:39

-The blue shirt at the end?

-Two.

-Two, number two.

0:22:390:22:42

-OK, two.

-OK, there we go.

0:22:420:22:45

-Squeaky.

-Shut up, Debbie McGee!

0:22:450:22:49

And let's go over here, lady with a patterned top?

0:22:490:22:51

-Seven.

-Seven. 827. OK.

0:22:510:22:54

-Whoa.

-So what I want you to do now is reverse the digits underneath.

0:22:540:22:58

Oh, yes. Oh...

0:22:590:23:02

..but that's always going to be two in the middle.

0:23:020:23:04

Yeah, that's fine, keep going.

0:23:040:23:05

-That's still...

-Put it upside down.

0:23:050:23:07

It's not really complicated, what I'm asking you to do.

0:23:070:23:10

-LAUGHTER

-Yes, yes, yes.

0:23:100:23:11

Could you now subtract the smaller

0:23:110:23:14

number from the larger?

0:23:140:23:15

Right, yeah. OK,

0:23:170:23:18

so we're going to do this now.

0:23:180:23:20

SANDI LAUGHS

0:23:200:23:22

So we take eight from seven, just not possible,

0:23:220:23:24

I think we all know that.

0:23:240:23:26

OK. Yes, so we're going to do...

0:23:260:23:30

-Wow!

-I mean, I'm in the arts, you see, so...

0:23:300:23:33

-Yeah.

-It's just...

-Nine, nine, nine!

0:23:330:23:35

-Um...um...

-Stop saying "no" at me in German

0:23:350:23:38

-and tell me what this is.

-LAUGHTER

0:23:380:23:40

-Nine.

-Yeah, and then it's going to be nine again.

0:23:410:23:43

-And then this one comes down here...

-It's going to be nine again.

0:23:430:23:46

So it's three from nine, God!

0:23:460:23:47

So I need to have three numbers, so put a zero now please.

0:23:470:23:50

So you have three numbers.

0:23:500:23:52

Now reverse those digits, please.

0:23:520:23:54

-Zero...

-Always nine.

0:23:540:23:57

And please could you add them together?

0:23:570:23:59

-Um...

-LAUGHTER

0:23:590:24:03

-So, 18.

-No. So... LAUGHTER

0:24:030:24:06

-So nine and zero, start again.

-Oh!

0:24:070:24:10

Nine and zero is nine. Nine and nine is eight, carry one.

0:24:100:24:13

-18.

-So the answer is...?

-1,089.

0:24:130:24:16

OK, so we've come to 1,089. OK, thank you very much.

0:24:160:24:18

AISLING SIGHS Wow, that was painful.

0:24:180:24:21

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Really painful.

0:24:210:24:23

So what was the number that we had? We had 1,089.

0:24:260:24:29

So, Noel, I'm going to pass you a copy of 1,342 QI Facts

0:24:290:24:33

To Leave You Flabbergasted. LAUGHTER

0:24:330:24:37

-Noel?

-Yes?

-Could you, let's see, 1089,

0:24:370:24:41

take the tenth word on page 89

0:24:410:24:44

-and tell me what it is.

-Yeah.

0:24:440:24:46

-What is it?

-French.

0:24:460:24:48

French. Here is the envelope that I did earlier.

0:24:480:24:52

-And there is the word French.

-No!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:24:520:24:56

-Whoa!

-Isn't that fab?

-That's a very good trick.

0:25:030:25:08

-I mean, that's nuts.

-Yeah.

0:25:080:25:09

I feel like you've taken Bake Off, you've taken QI,

0:25:090:25:11

-and now, you're going to take Derren Brown shows.

-Yeah.

0:25:110:25:14

-It's over, Brown.

-Amazing.

0:25:140:25:15

Sandi, you clearly are Satan born again, show me

0:25:150:25:17

-the correct greeting once more.

-LAUGHTER

0:25:170:25:22

APPLAUSE

0:25:220:25:25

I'm ready.

0:25:260:25:28

And the powers it will surely imbue.

0:25:280:25:30

Anyway, thank you very much to our audience,

0:25:320:25:35

and very well done to Carol, there. Very good.

0:25:350:25:37

APPLAUSE

0:25:370:25:38

-Why was...?

-Yeah?

0:25:410:25:43

Why was six afraid of seven?

0:25:430:25:45

I don't know.

0:25:450:25:46

Because seven ATE nine.

0:25:460:25:47

LAUGHTER

0:25:470:25:49

And that's brought us right back to the level...

0:25:490:25:52

..that we're normally used to.

0:25:520:25:54

-Does anybody want to know how I did it?

-Yes.

0:25:540:25:56

Nah, I'm not telling.

0:25:560:25:57

Can you tell me the final title in Shakespeare's oeuvre?

0:25:590:26:03

-Anybody know?

-He was very cranial, wasn't he?

0:26:030:26:06

-Big forehead.

-Yes. Receding.

0:26:060:26:07

Really, you'd like to hit him with a teaspoon.

0:26:070:26:10

Dip a soldier in him.

0:26:100:26:12

It would come out with sonnets on it.

0:26:130:26:15

The sonnets would be in his mind in the form of a fluid

0:26:170:26:19

that you could access with soldiers.

0:26:190:26:22

He is a genius. Make him a saint, or should we?

0:26:220:26:26

I'm hungry and Noel's hungry too.

0:26:280:26:30

Has anyone got a banana?

0:26:310:26:33

Someone's usually got a banana.

0:26:330:26:35

Has anybody got a banana?

0:26:350:26:37

-There, that lady's got one.

-Is that mind-reading?

0:26:370:26:39

-Yes.

-There it is.

-Oh, yes.

0:26:390:26:42

-NOEL:

-Don't throw it!

-Two people have got bananas!

0:26:420:26:45

There's two bananas. How many...?

0:26:450:26:46

Can we do a whole hand of bananas amongst all the audience?

0:26:460:26:49

I've never stopped to have a banana during the show.

0:26:490:26:52

That's never been...

0:26:520:26:53

Why has the whole audience got bananas?

0:26:530:26:56

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:580:27:01

Has anyone got a bit of toast with Marmite on it?

0:27:020:27:05

LAUGHTER

0:27:050:27:06

Never mind that, who's got a Scotch?

0:27:060:27:08

Seriously. LAUGHTER

0:27:080:27:09

Do you feel better now?

0:27:090:27:10

Yeah, thank you. It was starting to affect my consciousness.

0:27:100:27:14

Well, the good thing is, it didn't show, so...

0:27:140:27:16

LAUGHTER

0:27:160:27:18

I once spent a whole day in Stratford

0:27:180:27:20

trying to ask everybody how Shakespeare died.

0:27:200:27:23

And they don't like to tell you.

0:27:230:27:24

Does anybody know how Shakespeare died?

0:27:240:27:26

-NOEL:

-Kissing Satan's arse.

0:27:260:27:28

LAUGHTER

0:27:280:27:29

Someone cracked his head and put a soldier in it.

0:27:290:27:32

Well, it gives it away that he was born and died on the same day.

0:27:320:27:35

-April 23rd.

-April 23rd. He was born and died on the same...

0:27:350:27:38

Oh, something happened with his birthday cake.

0:27:380:27:40

We think he possibly had too much to drink on his birthday!

0:27:400:27:43

# Happy birthday to you! #

0:27:430:27:45

LAUGHTER

0:27:450:27:46

-Yeah, it killed him. NOEL:

-Wow, that's a lot to drink.

0:27:470:27:49

I know, but they don't like to say, "Oh, yeah, drunk on his birthday."

0:27:490:27:52

They don't want to say, "You know Shakespeare - lightweight!"

0:27:520:27:55

Yeah, really, yeah.

0:27:550:27:56

-Come on. Last work authored by Shakespeare?

-Tempest, ain't it?

0:27:560:27:59

-The Tempest.

-Oh.

-BELLS RING, KLAXON HOOTS

0:27:590:28:03

-No.

-You've been in that?

0:28:030:28:05

Is it definitely a play, or could it have been a poem?

0:28:060:28:09

It's not a play, it is a work authored by Shakespeare.

0:28:090:28:12

Did he have a diary or something?

0:28:120:28:14

I can tell you it was written in 1920.

0:28:140:28:16

-OK...

-Yeah. And we're doing the occult.

0:28:170:28:19

-Did someone channel him?

-That's exactly right.

0:28:190:28:21

-That's what they used to do, didn't they?

-According to a wonderful book

0:28:210:28:24

called Essential Cataloguing: The Basics, it's the guide

0:28:240:28:27

followed by the British Library and the US Library of Congress,

0:28:270:28:29

books written by authors after their death

0:28:290:28:31

are still catalogued under their own name.

0:28:310:28:34

So his last work, published in 1920,

0:28:340:28:36

The Book For Him I Name For Jesus' Sake,

0:28:360:28:39

by William Shakespeare (spirit)...

0:28:390:28:42

LAUGHTER

0:28:420:28:43

-Wow.

-..is in fact the last listed work by William Shakespeare

0:28:430:28:46

in the British Library.

0:28:460:28:47

So, the royalties of that go to his family?

0:28:470:28:49

Sadly not, I think they go to Sarah Taylor Shatford, who wrote it.

0:28:490:28:52

-Shatford?

-Shatford. LAUGHTER

0:28:520:28:55

She deserves some cash.

0:28:550:28:57

Mark Twain wrote a book seven years after his death entitled

0:28:570:28:59

Jap Herron: A Novel Written From The Ouija Board.

0:28:590:29:03

And noted spiritualist and dead person Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

0:29:030:29:05

got in touch in 1983 to write The Great Mystery of Life Beyond Death.

0:29:050:29:10

Are these all by a Ouija board, or are some of them

0:29:100:29:12

with automatic writing? That was a thing, wasn't it?

0:29:120:29:14

Some of them are automatic writing, so they're a kind of a mix.

0:29:140:29:16

That is a weird Ouija board scenario,

0:29:160:29:19

that's a gingham shirt and they're clearly on public transport.

0:29:190:29:21

LAUGHTER

0:29:210:29:24

First we summons the dead, then a hoedown.

0:29:240:29:26

And Thomas Edison, too, he tried to invent a spirit telephone.

0:29:280:29:31

He revealed it in 1920 and then he denied it in 1926,

0:29:310:29:34

saying he was playing a joke.

0:29:340:29:35

But, in fact, after he died, they discovered

0:29:350:29:37

The Diary And Sundry Observations Of Thomas Edison,

0:29:370:29:40

and it does talk about him trying to use a valve

0:29:400:29:42

to amplify and capture voices of spirits. It wasn't really a joke.

0:29:420:29:45

But it's no sillier than anything else.

0:29:450:29:46

-Like you were saying, we do want to believe in magic.

-Yeah.

0:29:460:29:49

I remember this blind lady who came to Dublin,

0:29:490:29:51

and she said that she could talk to the dead.

0:29:510:29:53

And it's really odd, because you do get swept away by it.

0:29:530:29:56

Because she starts feeling people out, and you all get swept up,

0:29:560:29:58

-thinking it could be...

-Yeah. Cos you want to believe it.

-You want to believe it.

-Sure.

0:29:580:30:02

Everyone in the room is there because they want to believe.

0:30:020:30:04

No-one's a true sceptic, I think, if they're in the room.

0:30:040:30:06

There was a very famous Irish medium called Geraldine Cummins,

0:30:060:30:09

and my great aunt, Signe Toksvig, edited her book of automatic writing.

0:30:090:30:11

So there's my Aunt Signe and her husband.

0:30:110:30:13

And she wrote a book called Swan On A Black Sea,

0:30:130:30:15

it's all about automatic writing.

0:30:150:30:17

-Anyway, Signe...

-Automatic writing, quickly, is...?

0:30:170:30:19

-Is when you just sit down with a pen...

-And you're channelling a spirit.

0:30:190:30:22

And you're channelling the spirit, and the spirit is telling you what to write.

0:30:220:30:25

-Oh.

-Like when you was doing that maths.

-Yeah.

0:30:250:30:27

LAUGHTER

0:30:270:30:28

Just like that.

0:30:280:30:29

Anyway, when Signe died, she left very clear instructions

0:30:290:30:33

for the family, how we were to contact her after death.

0:30:330:30:36

So my mother very kindly did exactly what she said,

0:30:360:30:38

and she went along to meet this particular woman,

0:30:380:30:40

who was apparently very good at getting in touch with the dead.

0:30:400:30:43

And the woman said... So, this is my father's side of the family,

0:30:430:30:46

but it's my mother who's gone, right.

0:30:460:30:47

"I'm seeing an old lady and she's sitting,

0:30:470:30:49

"she's got her cup of tea in one hand

0:30:490:30:51

"and a piece of cheese in the other."

0:30:510:30:53

And my mother went, "Oh, my God, that's MY grandmother."

0:30:530:30:56

And the woman went, "Oh, isn't it typical?

0:30:560:30:58

"You finally get through and you get the wrong old woman!"

0:30:580:31:00

LAUGHTER

0:31:000:31:02

Look at that jumper. That's automatic knitting, right there.

0:31:020:31:06

LAUGHTER

0:31:060:31:07

William Shakespeare's last work was written

0:31:070:31:09

through the medium of a medium.

0:31:090:31:11

What did the yoghurt say to the CIA interrogator?

0:31:110:31:15

Probably saying, "This will get rid of your thrush in two days."

0:31:150:31:18

LAUGHTER

0:31:180:31:20

So, there was an interrogation specialist for the CIA.

0:31:210:31:25

He's the man who's claimed to have founded the agency's polygraph programme.

0:31:250:31:28

He's called Cleve Backster.

0:31:280:31:30

And in 1966, on a rather strange whim,

0:31:300:31:33

he hooked up a house plant to a lie detector.

0:31:330:31:36

And here he is, doing it.

0:31:360:31:38

And he was looking for an anxiety response, so he got a match,

0:31:380:31:41

and he didn't actually set fire to the leaf,

0:31:410:31:43

he just thought about doing it.

0:31:430:31:44

And he said the levels on the lie detector suddenly spiked, OK.

0:31:440:31:48

And he took this as a sign

0:31:480:31:50

that plants had what he called primary perception.

0:31:500:31:53

In other words, they were sentient, almost as if they had ESP.

0:31:530:31:55

This caused a sensation, and he expanded his research further,

0:31:550:31:58

and he hooked up the polygraph machine to lettuce, to onions,

0:31:580:32:01

to oranges, bananas, chicken, eggs,

0:32:010:32:03

sperm...

0:32:030:32:05

-..and yoghurt.

-Very chatty.

-Never shuts up.

-Yeah.

0:32:050:32:08

It says here, "One sample of yoghurt, for example,

0:32:080:32:11

"will react when another is being fed, as if to say,

0:32:110:32:13

"'That one's getting food, where's mine?'"

0:32:130:32:16

LAUGHTER

0:32:160:32:17

He was absolutely convinced of this,

0:32:170:32:19

and his assertions basically hindered science for years.

0:32:190:32:23

Now, what's the worst omen you can see on a football pitch?

0:32:230:32:27

-An omen?

-Yeah. Are footballers superstitious?

0:32:270:32:31

-Yes!

-Is it a young woman with a list of allegations?

0:32:310:32:34

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:32:340:32:37

But is there something about the markings on the field

0:32:420:32:44

that are significant to occultists?

0:32:440:32:47

It's to do with the many superstitions

0:32:470:32:49

that are associated with football. 1990 World Cup...

0:32:490:32:52

-Right.

-..there was an Argentine goalkeeper called Sergio Goycochea.

0:32:520:32:56

Did he have a body part of an animal or something in the goal net?

0:32:560:32:59

No, what happened to him was, Argentina's quarterfinal

0:32:590:33:02

was against Yugoslavia, and it ended in a draw, which meant?

0:33:020:33:05

-Penalty shoot-out.

-They had to do a penalty shoot-out.

0:33:050:33:08

He needed to wee, but he wasn't allowed to leave the field.

0:33:080:33:11

So his team-mates surrounded him

0:33:110:33:12

and he had a wee and he then blocked two penalty shots.

0:33:120:33:15

So, the coach thought this was a marvellous thing,

0:33:150:33:18

took it as an omen,

0:33:180:33:19

and he went on to urinate on the field again, with his team-mates

0:33:190:33:23

around him, before the semifinal penalty shoot-out against Italy.

0:33:230:33:26

He blocked two shots and they went on into the finals,

0:33:260:33:29

but they lost the finals against West Germany, because...?

0:33:290:33:31

-He didn't urinate.

-He didn't wee, because...?

0:33:310:33:34

-It didn't go to a shoot-out.

-It didn't go to a shoot-out.

0:33:340:33:36

But wasn't Germany's winning goal a penalty?

0:33:360:33:38

It was a late penalty and it was in the main body of the game,

0:33:380:33:41

-so he didn't have time to wee.

-Didn't have time for a wee.

-No.

0:33:410:33:43

When they stood around him, did they look in or out, do you know?

0:33:430:33:47

Do you know, I always think I've got all the information

0:33:470:33:50

I need for this show.

0:33:500:33:51

Do you think he was a bit self-conscious?

0:33:510:33:53

-His team-mates around him.

-Well, because he might have been wearing somebody else's underpants -

0:33:530:33:57

apparently that's a very common footballer thing,

0:33:570:34:00

is that they swap underpants. Some of them wear them inside out.

0:34:000:34:02

-They do not!

-Yeah.

0:34:020:34:04

Was it Barry Fry who weed in all four corners of the ground?

0:34:040:34:06

-Do you remember that?

-Yes, I believe that is a fact,

0:34:060:34:09

that Barry Fry, whilst manager of Birmingham,

0:34:090:34:11

perhaps, weed in every corner of the ground.

0:34:110:34:14

I thought you said Barry Cryer!

0:34:140:34:16

No, not Barry Cryer.

0:34:160:34:19

He's weed in all four corners of the Just A Minute studio.

0:34:190:34:22

Yeah, just for that.

0:34:220:34:24

And he thought... No, it was a superstitious thing.

0:34:240:34:26

-NOEL:

-During the game?

-No, I think he did it in his own time.

0:34:260:34:30

Birmingham City Football Club had a belief for a while

0:34:300:34:33

that they were cursed by gypsies evacuated from the ground in 1906.

0:34:330:34:37

I was just worried about the men

0:34:370:34:39

who do the grass for the football pitches,

0:34:390:34:41

if everyone's weeing on them all the time.

0:34:410:34:43

-Yes, it's going to go a horrible colour.

-It's going to go a horrible colour.

0:34:430:34:46

So, big shout-out to those guys at home listening, we feel your pain.

0:34:460:34:48

No, no, that's dogs, that do that.

0:34:480:34:50

I don't know, I've left some crazy marks on some exes' lawns.

0:34:500:34:53

LAUGHTER

0:34:530:34:55

Does this photo go back to the times where you had to

0:34:560:34:59

blow the ball up before the match?

0:34:590:35:00

Now, it's time for the ritual sacrifice of rationality

0:35:020:35:05

that we call General Ignorance.

0:35:050:35:07

Fingers on buzzers, please. Take a look at this.

0:35:070:35:11

This is Tommaso, the world's richest cat.

0:35:110:35:13

According to legend, how many lives does he have?

0:35:130:35:16

-Well, now, usually, they have...

-Yes?

0:35:160:35:19

-..one less than ten.

-Yes? LAUGHTER

0:35:190:35:22

BELLS RING KLAXON WAILS

0:35:220:35:25

That isn't fair! I was being so clever.

0:35:260:35:30

So, I can tell you that he is Italian, and that has a bearing.

0:35:300:35:34

-He's Italian? That cat?

-Yes.

-Where's his mouth?

0:35:340:35:37

So, why would it matter that he's Italian?

0:35:390:35:41

Why would that make a difference?

0:35:410:35:42

Because he has got so many past-a lives.

0:35:420:35:45

COLLECTIVE GROAN

0:35:450:35:48

Look, that is actually professional comedy you just witnessed.

0:35:480:35:51

LAUGHTER

0:35:510:35:53

Are they superstitious, Italians, about cats?

0:35:530:35:55

Yeah, but the number of lives that a cat has in superstition

0:35:550:35:58

varies from culture to culture.

0:35:580:35:59

So the Italians believe it is seven.

0:35:590:36:01

In Turkish and Arabic tradition, it's six.

0:36:010:36:04

Germany, Greece, Brazil,

0:36:040:36:05

a few Spanish-speaking places, it's seven as well. We have nine.

0:36:050:36:08

Tommaso is possibly just one of the world's richest cats.

0:36:080:36:11

He was a stray adopted by an elderly Italian woman named

0:36:110:36:14

Maria Assunta, and when she died in 2011, she bequeathed him

0:36:140:36:18

13,000,000

0:36:180:36:20

to make sure he would be loved and cuddled.

0:36:200:36:24

I would totally do it, and I don't like cats. I'm...

0:36:240:36:27

I'd sit at the bottom of an old man's bed

0:36:270:36:30

and drink milk naked for 13,000,000.

0:36:300:36:32

-For probably 20 quid.

-Just for 20...

0:36:320:36:34

Why do so many cultures have an idea that cats always come back?

0:36:360:36:39

It's more they're cheating death, isn't that the thing?

0:36:390:36:42

-Yeah, they cheat death.

-They fall off a roof and they walk away.

0:36:420:36:44

Lots of people think that they...

0:36:440:36:46

-But, if you put them in a tumble dryer, they will die.

-They will.

0:36:460:36:48

-LAUGHTER

-Eventually.

0:36:480:36:51

On the ninth time. "He's still alive!

0:36:530:36:56

-"Go again!"

-This is the eighth cycle!

0:36:560:36:59

"I can't even touch him, he's so hot!

0:37:010:37:04

"Arrgh, boof!"

0:37:040:37:06

"Meow, bang, meow, bang."

0:37:060:37:08

-NOEL:

-Can you put my socks in with it?

0:37:100:37:12

Cats are sometimes associated with bad luck,

0:37:120:37:14

but naval traditional generally believes they protect vessels,

0:37:140:37:17

and that even extended to airships.

0:37:170:37:18

So the America was a dirigible, it was built in 1906,

0:37:180:37:22

for a newsman called Walter Wellman.

0:37:220:37:24

He was trying to reach the North Pole.

0:37:240:37:26

And they brought along a cat called Kiddo, and it was a mascot.

0:37:260:37:29

And Kiddo hated being on a dirigible,

0:37:290:37:32

and he just skittered all over the place.

0:37:320:37:34

He loathed it.

0:37:340:37:36

What's interesting about the America,

0:37:360:37:38

it was the very first airborne vessel to be fitted with a radio.

0:37:380:37:42

And the first-ever air-to-ground radio communication from an aircraft was,

0:37:420:37:47

"Roy, come and get this goddamn cat!"

0:37:470:37:50

LAUGHTER

0:37:500:37:52

And the second one was that bloke in the back going,

0:37:520:37:55

"I've lost half my glasses."

0:37:550:37:57

LAUGHTER

0:37:570:37:59

Now, what should you use to make a traditional jack-o'-lantern?

0:38:020:38:07

-NOEL:

-Pumpkin.

0:38:070:38:08

BELL RINGS KLAXON BLARES

0:38:080:38:11

No, it's not a pumpkin.

0:38:120:38:14

EVIL GIGGLING Yes?

0:38:140:38:15

A turnip.

0:38:150:38:17

A turnip is exactly right. Yes, very good.

0:38:170:38:19

So turnips there on the left, and if you can't get a turnip,

0:38:190:38:21

something called a mangelwurzel, which is on the right.

0:38:210:38:24

And if you go to south Somerset,

0:38:240:38:25

the last Thursday of October every year, they have Punkie Night,

0:38:250:38:28

which is celebrated,

0:38:280:38:29

and the children carry around lanterns called punkies,

0:38:290:38:31

and those are hollowed-out mangelwurzels.

0:38:310:38:34

Do you know where the tradition of Halloween comes from?

0:38:340:38:37

-I'm looking at Aisling.

-Best country in the world, Sandi.

0:38:370:38:40

-Denmark.

-Oh, no.

-No?

0:38:400:38:43

Ireland, it came from Ireland, from Samhain, S-A-M-H-A-I-N,

0:38:430:38:47

which is Halloween, All Hallows Eve, we celebrate our dead.

0:38:470:38:51

How do you say it? Because it looks like sam-hain.

0:38:510:38:53

-Yeah, sow-an.

-Sow-an.

-Samhain.

0:38:530:38:55

-Just haven't got time to say the whole thing properly.

-Yeah. Very busy people.

0:38:550:38:58

So it's actually about respecting the dead

0:38:580:39:00

and letting them all hang around,

0:39:000:39:02

and then, the next day, they get buried,

0:39:020:39:04

so the first of November is where... It's All Saints' Day.

0:39:040:39:06

But it's all over the world.

0:39:060:39:07

In England, they used to carve turnips into something

0:39:070:39:10

rather similar called Hoberdy's Lantern, and put them on...

0:39:100:39:12

LAUGHTER

0:39:120:39:13

That looks like someone had an infection after a long weekend.

0:39:130:39:16

-Yeah. NOEL:

-That is...

0:39:160:39:18

-You can see why they moved on to pumpkins.

-Yeah.

0:39:180:39:20

So, the first jack-o'-lanterns were carved from turnips.

0:39:220:39:25

Now, I've got each of you some magic sticks,

0:39:250:39:28

but I want you to tell me which of these sticks is a wand.

0:39:280:39:33

So I'm going to give this one to Aisling, there we go.

0:39:330:39:36

I am going to give this one to Noel.

0:39:360:39:41

-There we go.

-That's it.

0:39:410:39:43

I'm going to give this one to Russell.

0:39:430:39:45

Oh, they're getting bigger and bigger. There we go.

0:39:450:39:48

And, ah. LAUGHTER

0:39:480:39:51

That's for Alan.

0:39:510:39:53

-Aw.

-Actually, I've got two for you.

0:39:530:39:55

You can have that one, as well.

0:39:550:39:57

-Anybody know what a wand used to be?

-A walking stick?

0:39:570:40:00

It's a unit of length.

0:40:000:40:02

This was originally equivalent to a modern metre.

0:40:020:40:05

So, in fact, Aisling has the original wand.

0:40:050:40:07

Ooph! LAUGHTER

0:40:090:40:12

Now, they're all old lengths.

0:40:140:40:16

So, Noel, you've got something, it's called an "ars."

0:40:160:40:19

LAUGHTER

0:40:190:40:21

It's an old Turkish unit meaning forearm.

0:40:210:40:23

So, you know in the Bible, it says Noah builds the ark using cubits?

0:40:230:40:26

-Yes, by cubits.

-That's that measure. That's the one you've got there.

0:40:260:40:29

-OK.

-And the one you've got, Russell, is Mongolian, it's an "ald",

0:40:290:40:32

so it's the width of a man's arms outstretched.

0:40:320:40:34

It was used in the time of Genghis Khan.

0:40:340:40:36

I don't know if your arms would be the same as that span?

0:40:360:40:38

Yeah. So it's roughly about...

0:40:380:40:40

In his own world, with Genghis and his army,

0:40:400:40:41

out there on the plains, fighting on horseback, bows and arrows,

0:40:410:40:44

up against the Chinese, why the hell not?

0:40:440:40:46

What else are you going to do, just sit quietly?

0:40:460:40:48

To hell with it, we've got me wand, I'm off out there.

0:40:480:40:51

LAUGHTER

0:40:510:40:52

-Alan, your little one is actually a measure.

-Oh.

0:40:540:40:57

It's a pyramid inch, which briefly in the 19th century

0:40:570:41:00

they believed was the measure that had been used by the Egyptians

0:41:000:41:03

to build their pyramids. And it was a sort of sacred measure.

0:41:030:41:05

The theory in fact fell out of popularity in 1880.

0:41:050:41:07

The Egyptologist Flinders Petrie re-measured and thought it wasn't quite...

0:41:070:41:11

The other one you've got, Alan, is a Scandinavian measure,

0:41:110:41:13

and do you know what it's called? It's 60cm long.

0:41:130:41:15

A...er... No.

0:41:150:41:18

-It's called an "alen."

-Aw.

0:41:200:41:22

-Is it?

-None of them are in fact magic wands.

0:41:220:41:25

Does anybody know what you have to say in order to get a magic wand?

0:41:250:41:28

Please.

0:41:280:41:29

-GASPING

-Ah! Ah!

0:41:290:41:32

-She's a witch! Witch!

-APPLAUSE

0:41:320:41:35

-That was genuinely alarming.

-Genuinely.

0:41:370:41:40

Which brings us to the hellfire and damnation of the scores,

0:41:400:41:43

and, oh, my. Last place, with minus 17 -

0:41:430:41:47

Noel Fielding. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:41:470:41:49

In a very creditable third place -

0:41:520:41:55

Russell!

0:41:550:41:57

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:41:570:41:59

In second place, with minus two -

0:42:020:42:04

it's Alan!

0:42:040:42:06

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:060:42:10

And that means...

0:42:100:42:11

SHE GASPS

0:42:110:42:13

Oh, my God!

0:42:130:42:14

This week, I've won! No, it means...

0:42:140:42:17

..with no points at all, this week's winner is Aisling.

0:42:170:42:22

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:220:42:25

And that means that Aisling is the winner

0:42:310:42:33

of tonight's objectionable object.

0:42:330:42:35

This is the skull of one of the QI researchers, as a matter of fact.

0:42:350:42:39

So, there you are, Aisling, there is your object to take home.

0:42:390:42:42

-Oh, goodness me.

-Is it a real skull?

0:42:420:42:43

-Yes, of course, darling, look at the size of it.

-Oh.

0:42:430:42:46

Just... Your biology as good as your maths.

0:42:460:42:49

LAUGHTER

0:42:490:42:52

Thank you to Russell, Noel, Aisling and Alan.

0:42:520:42:55

And I leave you with this -

0:42:550:42:57

the great French zoologist Georges Cuvier was irritatingly logical.

0:42:570:43:01

One day, to teach him a lesson,

0:43:010:43:02

a colleague broke into his bedroom dressed as a devil with

0:43:020:43:05

horns on his head, and shouted, "Mr Cuvier, I'm going to eat you!"

0:43:050:43:08

To which he replied,

0:43:080:43:09

"All animals with horns and hooves are herbivorous."

0:43:090:43:12

And he went back to sleep. LAUGHTER

0:43:120:43:14

Thank you and good night.

0:43:140:43:16

APPLAUSE

0:43:160:43:17

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