Objects and Ornaments QI XL


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Objects and Ornaments

Sandi Toksvig looks at some objects and ornaments with Sarah Millican, Cariad Lloyd, Alice Levine and Alan Davies.


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APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to QI,

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where tonight, we are ogling an odditorium of objects and ornaments.

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Let's meet some ornaments to their profession.

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The opulent Sarah Millican.

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APPLAUSE

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The ostentatious Cariad Lloyd.

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APPLAUSE

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The oratorical Alice Levine.

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APPLAUSE

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And, objection! Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE

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And their ornamental noises are from priceless objects

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kindly lent to us by the Victoria and Albert Museum. So, Sarah goes...

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GLASS WIND CHIMES RING

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That's nice, pretty, isn't it? Cariad goes...

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MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES

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Lovely. Alice goes...

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MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES

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LAUGHTER

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And Alan goes...

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TAPPING ON GLASS

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Don't touch the exhibit, sir!

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RUMBLING

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GLASS BREAKS, CRASHING

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Well, that's horribly familiar, that.

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Right, top question, where are you most likely to come across a UFO?

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GLASS WIND CHIMES Yes? Millican?

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In the sky?

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KLAXON

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Anybody else?

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-MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES Yes?

-Reading.

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Not much happens in Reading, so...

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Don't you think they'd want to go somewhere where

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-the stuff is happening?

-No, because they want to be secret.

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The whole of Reading could be aliens, you wouldn't even know.

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Why do they want to be secret?

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This big assumption that they come here all this way

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-and then just hide.

-That's true.

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Somebody knows a lot about them, don't they?

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Near airports, because they always look like planes, weirdly.

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-Yes, that is quite a strange thing, isn't it?

-Yeah.

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They do look like planes. And the answer is the ocean.

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The most common and most dangerous UFOs are

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Unidentified Floating Objects.

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These are pieces of lost cargo and they lie along the shipping routes,

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just under the surface, and they can damage ships tremendously.

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Between 2008-2013,

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an average of about 1,700 shipping containers were lost at sea.

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Look at this picture!

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That is seriously bad packing, isn't it? That's...

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Surely not in one go?

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Well, about half of those 1,700

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came from a single ship, the MOL Comfort.

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The ship actually broke in half and all the containers went into the sea.

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-But that's fair enough, then.

-Yeah.

-That wasn't careless, was it?

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No. No.

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Some of the strange stuff that has washed up in the sea,

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-in 2008, a six-foot-tall Lego man - my people...

-What?!

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-..washed up on Brighton beach.

-Aw!

-That's amazing.

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The really extraordinary thing is,

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I've been trying to find out what happened to it.

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Did they just push it back out to the sea?

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It just swam off.

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If anybody knows, please, could you let me know?

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I want to know where the Brighton Lego man is.

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I'd like to come and say hello.

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Why is it never a Lego woman that's washed up?

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Because the Lego woman wasn't beach-ready.

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APPLAUSE

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So...

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February 2017, £50 million worth of cocaine washed up

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on a beach in Norfolk, and I don't know where that is either.

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SHE SNIFFS

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There is a National UFO Reporting Centre, which is

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the UFOs that we normally think of, the Unidentified Flying Objects.

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It was started by a man called Robert Gribble,

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who's a fireman from Seattle and he collects UFO sightings.

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And since 1905, there have been 105,000 reports of alien sightings.

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A tenth of those have been here, in the UK.

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But the photos are never on a camera that's more than one megapixel.

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-Yeah.

-It's always conveniently grainy.

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-A little bit fuzzy.

-Yeah.

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Anybody know the best place in the UK to see a UFO?

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-MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES Yes, Reading!

-Reading!

-No.

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I think there's some near us. I think there's some aliens near us.

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-Do you?

-Because my dog barks at all other dogs,

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but no people, apart from one family near us.

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And whenever they walk past, we just...

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We look at... My husband and I go, "Lizard people."

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And I know that they're walking past going, "He knows."

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-Norfolk.

-No, it's not,

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it's Scotland, it's Bonnybridge in Scotland.

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-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-It's the place where you are most likely.

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-I don't know why.

-Is that one of them? Is that guy an alien?

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This is a man called Billy Buchanan, he's a councillor in Bonnybridge.

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I'm not sure why he photo-bombed our shot of the sign.

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They have 300 sightings a year, roughly, in Bonnybridge.

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-Is it all by one man?

-"I've seen another one, and another one."

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He has 65 days off a year.

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It's also known as the Falkirk Triangle.

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The fact is that Bonnybridge is under three flight paths,

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including those for Edinburgh and Glasgow Airports.

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And just...it's your point there, Alice, isn't it?

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I mean, just saying.

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So the very first flying saucers, in fact, weren't even a saucer shape.

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So in 1947, there was a pilot called Kenneth Arnold,

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and he reported seeing nine objects

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whose movement was "like a saucer if you skipped it across the water",

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is what he actually said, he didn't say they looked like flying saucers.

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In fact, they were more sort of crescent shaped or boomerang shaped.

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But the place in America that you would most likely find a UFO

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is Roswell, is the place that everybody thinks about them.

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Again, 1947. I don't know.

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So these are the street lamps in Roswell. Aren't they great?

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-Well, you're not helping matters, are you?

-No, not really.

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Every night at around 7pm, they come out.

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I really, really love these. They have an annual UFO festival

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where they have an alien pet competition -

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how alien can you make your dog look?

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-A lot of the sightings are near military bases, aren't they?

-Yes.

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Then people say that it's because

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the military are trying to cover it up.

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But is it actually that it's something military related

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but they can't tell us, because top secret?

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-Or...

-Yes.

-The military is entirely made up of aliens.

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-LAUGHTER

-Yes.

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Just offering that out there.

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-I think you're more likely to be right.

-Oh.

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As this is the case, I wondered if I could interest you

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in an insurance policy against alien abduction?

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How much is it?

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Well, for about £120 a year,

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I can protect you against alien impregnation.

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What if I was on the pill?

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Or 41, you know.

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Well, men are also able to purchase impregnation insurance of this kind,

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for protection against the unknown capabilities of alien technology.

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So your pill, not really going to be anywhere.

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-So far, more than 30,000 of these policies have been sold.

-No!

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-30,000?!

-Yeah. One I like is called

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the Goodfellow Rebecca Ingrams Pearson policy,

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which, if you put that together, is GRIP.

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So, "Get a GRIP policy."

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LAUGHTER

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I love these insurance policies.

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In 2000, there were three sisters from Inverness

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who insured themselves against the possibility

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of miraculously conceiving and raising the second Christ.

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-I hate it when that happens.

-Hate it when that happens, yes.

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But we have worried about UFOs for a very long time.

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Probably the earliest picture that we have of a potential UFO

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was 1561 over the skies in Nuremberg.

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That's the sun, though, isn't it?

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Bear in mind, this is the best they could do for a photo in 1561.

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Is that what the sky looked like that day?

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Yes. So they say.

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It lasted for about an hour

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and there were lights and flashes all over the place.

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What we now think it is, it was something called a mock sun

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or a sun dog.

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What you get, you sometimes get ice crystals

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up in the upper part of the sky.

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So it is just the sun reflecting ice crystals,

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but there was a report in the gazette of the town of Nuremberg -

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"At the dawn of April 4th in the sky of Nuremberg,

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"a lot of men and women saw a very alarming spectacle

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"where various objects were involved,

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"including balls approximately three in the length from time to time,

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"four in a square, much remained insulated,

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"and between these balls, one saw a number of crosses

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"with the colour of blood.

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"Then one saw two large pipes in which small and large pipes

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"were three balls, also four or more.

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"All these elements started to fight, one against the other."

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How many balls did our vendor have?

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LAUGHTER

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It might have lost a bit in translation, I think.

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Do you think so? Yeah.

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Do you think they were, like, paid by the word as well?

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Cos the "colour of blood" could just have been "red".

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Anybody know where the word "gazette" comes from?

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Just a little side bar. I'll give you an extra point if anybody knows.

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I know. I just don't feel like I need to say it right now.

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A small gazer, like a gaze-ette.

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It does sound like that, doesn't it?

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No, is the answer.

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It's a Venetian coin. The very first newspapers in Venice,

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so we're talking early to sort of mid-16th century,

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were sold for a venetian coin called a gazzetta.

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So the newspaper became known as the gazette,

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but it's just the name of the coin,

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like calling it a sixpence or a farthing or something.

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Right - you wake up wrapped in a futon covered in orange paint,

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there's confetti everywhere and you smell of smoke.

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What the heck happened?

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Tha-a-at's Tuesday!

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Now, can anybody, first of all, spot whose face that is, in the picture?

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-We've Photoshopped...

-Cariad.

-It's Cariad's face.

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How do you not recognise your own face?

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Yeah, I mean, no...

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Sarah, to be honest, as a man,

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sexily posing with spots all over his body and an orange haze,

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I wasn't instantly sure it was me.

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I was!

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OK, so all of those things - smoke and confetti and the futon -

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they are all...

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It sounds like someone dressed as a hot dog maybe, doesn't it?

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If you were to lie in the futon, roll yourself up,

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the orange is almost the kind of mustard,

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-or even the frankfurter...

-Yeah.

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My actual answer is going to be so boring by comparison.

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-CARIAD:

-Sandi, tell me, what is it?

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They are all methods...

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LAUGHTER

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I would need to take more clothes off, but I'm not going to,

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unlike the picture.

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-Those are all methods of dealing with offenders.

-What?

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So, anybody waking up with those has probably committed a crime,

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is the truth of it. Take the orange paintballs,

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they're for shop staff in Japan to throw at offenders.

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They are the size of a tennis ball

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and they are known as "bohan yu kara boru" -

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anti-crime colour balls.

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And the idea, if somebody's committing a crime,

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you throw it at them, and then they are marked and easier to track.

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You have to be good at throwing.

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Well, this is the main problem with them.

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-You might hit the wrong person.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, God.

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So, they are widely distributed,

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and under moments of stress, staff either tend to forget they...

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..the staff tend to forget they've got them...

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-You have no reflexes at all.

-No.

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Cariad's reflex is just to go into the position in the photo.

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And people forget they've got them or they freeze,

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or they see that the robber is armed and think,

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"That paintball thing, not going to go so well."

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They have signs in the shops where they've got the orange paintballs,

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that does seem to put some people off from robbing them, but...

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That's what they do in Poundland.

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They have a picture of a policeman in the window, because

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if they put a picture of a policeman in the window, people shoplift less.

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-Do they?

-Yeah.

-So they could put a picture of the balls in the window.

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That's all they need.

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"I have the orange balls."

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-How do you like my orange balls?

-"I will take my business elsewhere."

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Do you feel like you should say something though,

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when you throw it, you should be like, "No!"

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-Yeah, like, "Stop!

-"Don't!"

-"Stop it."

-Yeah.

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-"Bad."

-"I've seen you."

-I quite like that with a robber,

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-"Stop it."

-"Stop it!"

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Do you know, I was on a train once,

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and there were some boys who'd had a sherry too many, and they were being

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very vulgar and loud and frightening some people over on the other side.

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And I suddenly stood up and I went, "That will do!"

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APPLAUSE

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They said sorry.

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The other technique was the futon technique, which is also Japanese.

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It deals with drunk or violent people.

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They wrap them up in plastic futons

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and then carry them to cells to calm them down.

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It apparently works. In 2014, the Japanese police fired only six shots

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in the entire country. When the US, if you look at the comparison,

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had 32,599 gun deaths.

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-Whoa.

-So this has got to be the answer.

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Plastic futons, it seems to be very straightforward.

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I imagine, somehow, that in the US, if they had orange balls,

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-there'd be a lot more orange balls thrown.

-Yeah, probably.

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I think it's just general politeness in Japan.

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Do you think that's what happened to Donald Trump,

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somebody got him right in the face with an orange ball?

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There's a Japanese office supply company that sells

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wearable futon air mat sets.

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They're sold as the perfect solution to people who sleep at work.

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So you go to work wearing your futon,

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and then you blow it up and lie down and sleep.

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There's a big culture in Japan, it's called imeri,

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-which is you sleep anywhere.

-Inemuri.

-Yeah.

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It's because they have this thing of, like, you should work so hard

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that you... It's OK to sleep literally anywhere.

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You see people, like, on the side of motorways,

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salary men they call them, just asleep on the side.

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Yeah. So the other two I had, I had confetti and smoke machines.

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Smoke machines, used in some stores in the UK, they set them off

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and it obscures the view of any stuff in the shop, whatsoever.

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And makes it like an '80s music video.

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"So, we're really mad that you're robbing us, but..."

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# Whooooaaa... #

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And confetti is another safety mechanism.

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When you fire a Taser gun, apparently,

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it also releases a tiny amount of confetti.

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-Oh, how lovely.

-Well, you know, kind of, "Ow!", but, "Ooh, nice."

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"My heart's stopped! Aaaah."

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If you look in the middle picture, you can just see little bits,

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-tiny, coloured bits of confetti.

-Has somebody literally thought,

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"Oh, I mean, it's so sad, let's jazz it up when they get tasered."

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It's supposed to deter people using Tasers to commit crimes.

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In order to get a Taser, you have to register it with the company,

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and then you get a specific number, that number's on the confetti

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to make sure that bad people don't use them.

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You know what they could have done instead?

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when I got married, people threw confetti, which was lovely,

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cos it's, like, pretend-y flowers, but some people threw rice,

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and I don't know if you know this, but rice really hurts.

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It's like being pelted with grit.

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So, anyway -

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what was Lord Montagu's secretary doing on the bonnet of his car?

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-Wow!

-Hmm.

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I don't know, but she called a lot of people before she did it.

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It must have been a warm day.

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Was she a cog in the patriarchy, but she was getting paid for it,

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so in a way it was OK, because of the time?

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It's possible I love you, Cariad.

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Er, no.

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He was Lord Montagu of...?

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-Beaulieu.

-Lord Montagu of Beaulieu. What is Beaulieu famous for?

0:14:550:14:58

-Motor Museum.

-Motor Museum. So cars, we're talking about cars.

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This is a bit like how they used to entice you to buy lots of things.

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Like washing machines, you're like, "Do I want a washing machine?

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"Oh, a sexy lady is sat on it! I now want that washing machine."

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He was particularly associated with one motorcar.

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-A British-made one?

-Yes, beautiful, amazing...

-A Bentley?

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-No, possibly, I think, the...

-A Ford Ka.

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The most beautiful car of all time.

0:15:230:15:25

-Rolls-Royce?

-Rolls-Royce!

-Rolls-Royce, absolutely right.

0:15:250:15:27

-Oh, was she the lady?

-Yes, the iconic figure.

-Ah!

0:15:270:15:30

The Spirit of Ecstasy.

0:15:320:15:33

Eleanor Thornton, she was the secretary to

0:15:330:15:36

John Walter Douglas-Scott-Montagu, second Baron Montagu of Beaulieu.

0:15:360:15:40

A motoring pioneer.

0:15:400:15:42

And he commissioned a figure as a personal mascot

0:15:420:15:45

on the front of the 1910 Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost.

0:15:450:15:47

It was called The Whisper.

0:15:470:15:48

And so the original one was like that,

0:15:480:15:51

because, allegedly, it was a secret love affair that they were having.

0:15:510:15:54

It's not that secret if you've put it on the front of all the cars.

0:15:540:15:58

Was his wife like, "Oh, right, I see,

0:15:580:16:00

"so you based that on your secretary, but nothing's going on?"

0:16:000:16:04

Yeah, the figure was sometimes known as Ellie in her nightie.

0:16:040:16:07

That's the thing about it.

0:16:070:16:08

-Which doesn't sound dodgy at all, does it?

-No, it doesn't.

0:16:080:16:11

To be fair, you wouldn't necessarily know who that was.

0:16:110:16:13

You'd be like, "Does he work with anyone with one eye,

0:16:130:16:15

"a moustache, a crew cut

0:16:150:16:18

"and one mono-boob?"

0:16:180:16:20

"His secretary!"

0:16:200:16:22

Over the years, people have put lots of ornaments

0:16:220:16:24

and the choice is not always suitable for the sort of things that people have had.

0:16:240:16:28

So there's been...

0:16:280:16:29

-Oh, my God.

-So that's why they standardised it.

0:16:310:16:33

The Whisper became the Spirit of Ecstasy,

0:16:330:16:35

because they didn't want people doing that kind of thing.

0:16:350:16:37

-And then...

-The middle one says Spirit of Ecstasy to me, though.

0:16:370:16:40

We couldn't actually get the car ornament,

0:16:400:16:42

so this is a little model.

0:16:420:16:44

You've skewered a robin.

0:16:440:16:46

In 1907, a picture was circulated of a robin impaled on a car ornament,

0:16:460:16:49

and there was a terrible backlash against having ornaments at all.

0:16:490:16:52

They were banned. In fact, if you have them today,

0:16:520:16:54

they have to be spring-loaded and all kinds of things.

0:16:540:16:56

The ornithologists are going to be on, Sandi.

0:16:560:16:58

-I know.

-They're going to be curious.

0:16:580:17:00

The DVLA has a banned list of licence plates that runs

0:17:000:17:02

to 46 pages, things that you may not have as your licence.

0:17:020:17:06

-Bollocks.

-Well, kind of.

0:17:060:17:08

So, this one is supposed to be rude

0:17:080:17:11

if you read it in your rear view mirror.

0:17:110:17:13

So can anybody work it out?

0:17:130:17:15

-Oral...

-I nearly just did that!

0:17:150:17:18

I haven't got a mirror with me.

0:17:190:17:20

Yeah, it's supposed to be oral sex. Anyway, it's banned, it's banned.

0:17:200:17:24

"Banned! Banned!

0:17:240:17:26

"Ban! Possible humour - banned!"

0:17:260:17:28

"Possible smiling - banned!

0:17:300:17:32

"No smiling on the road - banned!

0:17:320:17:35

"Do not think of sex! Banned!

0:17:350:17:37

"Stop it, stop it!"

0:17:370:17:40

-See if you can work out these other ones?

-"Filth!"

0:17:400:17:44

-Top left?

-Doggers.

-Doggers.

0:17:440:17:46

Doggers. "Banned! Banned! No intercourse."

0:17:460:17:49

-Heroin?

-Heroin.

-Oh, scrotum.

-Scrotum.

0:17:490:17:52

-SARAH:

-Oh, scrotum.

-"How dare you! I feel sick!"

0:17:520:17:54

-What's the bottom one?

-Alcohol.

-Oh.

0:17:540:17:56

"Banned! No!"

0:17:560:17:58

It's fair enough to ban alcohol.

0:17:580:18:00

I love that Sarah just went, "Oh, scrotum, are these available ones?

0:18:000:18:04

-In America, you can buy these, OK?

-Oh, Sandi.

-I know.

0:18:050:18:08

-Do you know how to handle them?

-Hang on a second...

0:18:080:18:11

Hang on a minute.

0:18:120:18:14

I've totally got this. "Cough."

0:18:140:18:16

When you said cough, did you just breathe in a little,

0:18:160:18:19

-have a little sniff?

-She did, she went, "Cough,"

0:18:190:18:22

-and then she went, "Wahey!"

-Hey!

0:18:220:18:25

This is a sight you will see nowhere else in the world.

0:18:250:18:28

Alan, is that normal size?

0:18:280:18:31

Well, they're a little small.

0:18:310:18:32

-They're called...

-Jesus!

0:18:350:18:36

They're called truck nuts.

0:18:370:18:39

-Wow!

-And they are genitals for your car.

0:18:410:18:43

-Do you know what, I'm all right thanks.

-Oh, come on. "Banned!"

0:18:430:18:47

Well, they have been banned in some states.

0:18:470:18:49

Have they? Truck nuts? What, you hang them on your truck?

0:18:490:18:52

Yes, look, there. See the picture.

0:18:520:18:53

What's wrong with that?

0:18:570:18:58

Some states have banned them for indecency.

0:18:590:19:02

In Virginia, the law states,

0:19:020:19:03

"No person shall display upon or equip any motor vehicle

0:19:030:19:06

"with any device that depicts, represents or resembles

0:19:060:19:08

"human genitalia, regardless of size or scale."

0:19:080:19:11

LAUGHTER

0:19:110:19:14

Right, moving on.

0:19:140:19:15

Describe the world's best-dressed crab.

0:19:150:19:19

MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES Alice?

0:19:190:19:21

I'm going to say a little bit of lime, some chilli, some mayo,

0:19:210:19:25

and then just, yeah, served with, like, brown bread, probably.

0:19:250:19:28

-That does sound delicious.

-Sounds good, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

0:19:280:19:30

-But I'm actually talking about a live crab.

-You didn't say that.

0:19:300:19:33

No, I didn't. I should be clearer.

0:19:330:19:34

-A lot of the things you've said tonight have been ambiguous.

-Yes.

0:19:340:19:37

-And that's difficult for me.

-Welcome to the show.

0:19:370:19:40

Is it in a shell suit?

0:19:420:19:44

APPLAUSE

0:19:440:19:46

I'm proud to be your friend.

0:19:490:19:51

No. There's something called a dresser crab,

0:19:510:19:54

or indeed the decorator crab.

0:19:540:19:55

And what it does is it gathers material from all around itself

0:19:550:19:59

in order to blend in with the surroundings.

0:19:590:20:01

So it's basically making camouflage clothing.

0:20:010:20:03

They cover their shells in seaweed, in sponge and pearls,

0:20:030:20:06

chewing on the material in order to make it fibrous,

0:20:060:20:09

and then it attaches it to itself.

0:20:090:20:10

It's got, like, little, tiny Velcro bits on its claws and legs.

0:20:100:20:14

I love this one, it's seriously getting dressed-up.

0:20:140:20:16

That's Cardiff on a Saturday night, that is.

0:20:180:20:20

That's proper getting ready.

0:20:200:20:22

And they're found off the coast of Australia. They're tiny.

0:20:220:20:25

Just over 1.5 inches.

0:20:250:20:26

And sometimes what they do is they put noxious stuff on them

0:20:260:20:28

to ward off predators. It's called aposematism.

0:20:280:20:31

It's called Lynx.

0:20:310:20:32

Other sprays are available.

0:20:360:20:38

But there are lots of what we call augmented animals,

0:20:380:20:41

so, animals who make themselves look a bit different.

0:20:410:20:43

One of my favourites, Uraba lugens caterpillar.

0:20:430:20:46

-It keeps its old heads and wears them as hats.

-What?!

0:20:460:20:50

Oh, my God.

0:20:520:20:54

That is hoarding gone mad.

0:20:540:20:56

As it grows, it sheds its exoskeleton

0:20:560:20:58

and the protrusion on the top of the head remains,

0:20:580:21:02

and eventually it has a stack, which it uses both as a weapon

0:21:020:21:05

and as a false target for any would-be predators.

0:21:050:21:08

It's known as the Mad Hatterpillar.

0:21:080:21:10

-Yeah, I mean it would be, wouldn't it?

-Yeah.

0:21:100:21:12

Found in Australia and New Zealand. Isn't it wonderful?

0:21:120:21:15

-That's incredible.

-He doesn't even need that.

0:21:150:21:17

Look how much you'd remember him anyway.

0:21:170:21:20

-Yeah.

-"You know the one, do you remember the guy,

0:21:200:21:22

"you met him last week, he had five heads on his, five heads as a hat."

0:21:220:21:25

-Five-Head Gary, yeah.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:21:250:21:27

There's another one which is a beetle that lives

0:21:270:21:30

in the Costa Rican rainforest. It's called Nymphister kronaueri

0:21:300:21:33

and it disguises itself as an army ant's bottom.

0:21:330:21:36

So, that looks like it's just an ant,

0:21:360:21:39

but the bit that is a protrusion,

0:21:390:21:40

as if the ant has got terrible haemorrhoids, is actually a beetle.

0:21:400:21:44

And what it does is, it bites onto the ant

0:21:440:21:47

and then it rides around disguised as an army ant's bottom.

0:21:470:21:50

-What a life.

-We've all done it.

-What a life, I know.

0:21:500:21:55

There are lots of creatures that live with ants.

0:21:550:21:58

They're called myrmecophiles, so they love ants.

0:21:580:22:01

This is the very first one that attaches itself for a ride.

0:22:010:22:04

Do you think the ant knows what's happening,

0:22:040:22:07

why it's got an extra bum?

0:22:070:22:10

Or do you think the ant is like, "Oh, my God, the piles are back?"

0:22:100:22:13

Yeah.

0:22:130:22:15

-It'd keep going like that, wouldn't it?

-"What the hell is that?"

0:22:150:22:18

"There's something... I'm sure there's something..."

0:22:180:22:21

And the beetle's like that...

0:22:210:22:23

"Oh, no, no.

0:22:250:22:27

"You never see me."

0:22:270:22:29

-And every now and then it goes...

-HUMS TWILIGHT ZONE THEME

0:22:310:22:34

"I can hear something, I can hear something."

0:22:340:22:36

But then the ant will shit in its face.

0:22:360:22:39

"Ugh, you ruined it!"

0:22:390:22:41

"You were behind me, you cheeky beetle!"

0:22:410:22:43

All the other ants are going,

0:22:450:22:46

"You haven't put on any weight, you look fine."

0:22:460:22:48

"Oh, really, are you sure?" "You look fine."

0:22:480:22:50

Then the five-head caterpillar goes,

0:22:500:22:51

"Have you seen him? He's hanging onto his arse."

0:22:510:22:53

"Shut up!" "He's hanging onto his arse."

0:22:530:22:55

"Well, he can't possibly be living down there."

0:22:550:22:57

"He is, he's on his arse!"

0:22:570:22:59

"There's a beetle on the ant's arse."

0:23:020:23:03

"There's a beetle on the ant's arse?"

0:23:030:23:05

"Yes, I can see it from here."

0:23:050:23:06

"Swap places, swap places." "All right."

0:23:060:23:08

"Oh, there is, there is, there's a beetle on the ant's arse!

0:23:100:23:14

"Go and have a look." "All right."

0:23:140:23:15

"I can't get up there, why am I always at the bottom?"

0:23:160:23:20

APPLAUSE

0:23:200:23:22

-Something like that.

-I like that they're all from the same animal,

0:23:290:23:31

but they're all from different regions, different places.

0:23:310:23:34

Isn't there a thing - you can have your bottom made bigger?

0:23:340:23:36

-Can you do that?

-Bottom implants, yeah.

-Can you?

0:23:360:23:39

I just eat more.

0:23:390:23:41

How do you guarantee that it goes to the bottom?

0:23:410:23:43

-You just sit a lot.

-OK.

0:23:430:23:45

Now, what is the lady at the back of this picture saying?

0:23:470:23:51

"What's going on?"

0:23:510:23:53

-Has she got a mask on?

-She has got a mask on.

0:23:530:23:56

Is she wondering how she's keeping her mask on?

0:23:560:23:58

Because I can't see any elastic.

0:23:580:24:00

That is exactly the question. So, these are black velvet masks.

0:24:000:24:03

We haven't got black velvet ones, but we have got masks for you.

0:24:030:24:06

They were worn in the 16th century, and the way you kept them on,

0:24:060:24:09

there's a sort of a bead, but we've done a button for you there.

0:24:090:24:12

And you put that in your mouth.

0:24:120:24:13

If anyone turns on now, this is like an episode of Black Mirror.

0:24:130:24:16

So the answer is, she's not saying anything, because she's using...

0:24:180:24:21

-MUFFLED:

-Because she's got a button in her mouth.

-Sorry, what?

0:24:210:24:24

-She's got a button...

-MOCK MUFFLED: She's got a button in her mouth.

0:24:240:24:26

Is exactly right.

0:24:260:24:28

She's saying, "I'm not marrying a hippo."

0:24:280:24:30

Why...?

0:24:340:24:35

The glasses are a triumph, if I may say so.

0:24:400:24:44

I have a re-occurring nightmare and it's this. This, right here.

0:24:440:24:47

Why might she be wearing it? What's the reason?

0:24:470:24:49

Is it scars from horrible sexually transmitted diseases?

0:24:490:24:52

She's proving how rich she is. So how is she doing that?

0:24:520:24:54

Oh, to keep her skin so white?

0:24:540:24:56

-I was going to say, she looks almost as pale as me.

-Yeah.

0:24:560:24:59

So, the idea is to avoid sunburn.

0:24:590:25:01

The most complete example that we have of one of these

0:25:010:25:03

is the Daventry Mask, which was discovered - there it is -

0:25:030:25:06

in Northamptonshire, found inside a wall while they were

0:25:060:25:08

renovating a 16th-century building. And the idea is...

0:25:080:25:10

They've spent about five seconds making that, haven't they?

0:25:100:25:13

"You'd be better off not going out!"

0:25:190:25:21

The idea was to say, "I'm too rich to get a tan,

0:25:230:25:25

"I don't work in the fields, I'm a fantastically wealthy person."

0:25:250:25:27

They do that in Vietnam, you know.

0:25:270:25:29

You'll go on a beach and all the girls are completely covered.

0:25:290:25:32

Their face is covered, arms covered right up to there

0:25:320:25:34

cos they want to have white skin, otherwise you look like a peasant.

0:25:340:25:37

-I have to wear factor 50.

-Do you burn badly?

0:25:370:25:40

I don't take a glowing tan.

0:25:400:25:42

Yeah, I look like a newborn fish. You can see, like, through my skin

0:25:430:25:46

and see my organs, yeah.

0:25:460:25:47

-That's deeply unpleasant.

-Yeah, it is.

0:25:470:25:49

The lady in our painting is actually wearing something called

0:25:510:25:54

a moretta muta, it was a Venetian variation on the mask.

0:25:540:25:57

Does anybody know what this painting is?

0:25:570:25:59

It's a wonderful painting of Clara the Rhinoceros, from 1751.

0:25:590:26:02

This is a sort of sad story.

0:26:020:26:03

17 years, she was toured round Europe, and of course it was

0:26:030:26:06

an extraordinary thing, nobody had ever seen rhinoceroses.

0:26:060:26:08

They've just taken the horn off, is that what they've done?

0:26:080:26:11

Well, as far as we know, the year before she was displayed in Venice,

0:26:110:26:14

she had rubbed the horn off in Rome, where she was on display.

0:26:140:26:17

So, clearly, an animal in some distress. And she eventually...

0:26:170:26:20

Whenever I'm in distress, I rub a horn. Always. Yeah.

0:26:200:26:23

Eventually, she came to Britain. In fact, she died in Lambeth,

0:26:230:26:26

at the Horse and Groom pub, where she was being shown for sixpence.

0:26:260:26:28

We've all died at the Horse and Groom.

0:26:280:26:31

So, your factor 50 -

0:26:330:26:34

in 1938, there was a chemistry student called Franz Greiter.

0:26:340:26:37

He got sunburned while he was climbing

0:26:370:26:40

the Piz Buin peak in the Alps.

0:26:400:26:42

He went on to develop sunscreen,

0:26:420:26:44

which he called glacier cream,

0:26:440:26:46

but we now know it as the company that is named after the mountain.

0:26:460:26:48

That's what they say in Wales,

0:26:480:26:50

if you've been sick the next morning from alcohol,

0:26:500:26:53

-"I was piz buin." Instead of spewing.

-Is that right?

0:26:530:26:55

"I was hanging and I've been piz buin all morning."

0:26:550:26:59

Wouldn't he be proud to know that?

0:27:000:27:03

-So, Alan, I've got a question just for you.

-Oh.

0:27:030:27:05

What is the largest creature that gets sunburn?

0:27:050:27:08

Blue whale?

0:27:120:27:13

Yes, it is!

0:27:130:27:15

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:150:27:17

It spends less time breathing at the surface,

0:27:230:27:25

about two minutes, than the sperm whale,

0:27:250:27:27

which spends about ten minutes,

0:27:270:27:28

but the blue pigmentation means it is more likely to get sunburned.

0:27:280:27:32

Very vulnerable. Yes. It's a lot of Ambre Solaire.

0:27:320:27:34

Where would you find these ornaments?

0:27:350:27:39

-MANTLE CLOCK CHIMES

-Oh.

-Yes?

0:27:390:27:41

-That is an orchid.

-It is.

0:27:410:27:43

That's genuinely called something like the...

0:27:430:27:45

Oh, like, the hanging willy man, or something.

0:27:450:27:47

-It's called the Orchis italica.

-Oh, OK!

0:27:470:27:49

"Ha-ha-ha! The Orchis italica!"

0:27:510:27:53

"Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

0:27:550:27:58

It's known amongst gardeners as, like, the naked man, isn't it?

0:27:580:28:00

-It is called the naked man orchid, is its nickname.

-People who can't do Latin, like.

0:28:000:28:04

-FARMER VOICE:

-"My naked man's come up lovely this year."

0:28:040:28:07

"I've got 16 naked men in my garden."

0:28:070:28:09

"I've been giving a lot of attention to my naked man."

0:28:090:28:13

Which is funny, because the orchid is named after the female genitalia.

0:28:130:28:16

That's where the Latin comes from.

0:28:160:28:18

I think the orchid's name means testicles.

0:28:180:28:20

You've got your genitalia round the wrong way, which...

0:28:200:28:23

-That could explain a lot.

-I can help you with that.

0:28:230:28:26

But orchids come in the most wonderful shapes.

0:28:290:28:32

There's one shaped like the laughing bumblebee, on the left there.

0:28:320:28:35

-Wow.

-The other one is the swaddled baby.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:28:350:28:38

And then the one on the right, it's a birthwort flower.

0:28:380:28:41

-Do you not think it looks a bit like Darth Vader?

-Yes.

0:28:410:28:44

That's an STI.

0:28:440:28:45

"I'm not going to come in,

0:28:490:28:51

"I'm just going to send you a photograph of it."

0:28:510:28:53

"I can't get any clothes on with this thing.

0:28:540:28:57

"Could we Skype? Could we Skype it?"

0:28:570:29:00

It is known as a Dutchman's pipe, is its nickname.

0:29:000:29:02

Oh! You do not want one of those.

0:29:020:29:04

Apparently it stinks, it smells of rotting flesh.

0:29:040:29:06

So what it does - those membranes, which look like eyes,

0:29:060:29:09

are really, really thin and it lets the light through.

0:29:090:29:11

The insects are attracted to the smell of the rotting flesh.

0:29:110:29:14

Then they go down into those little holes there,

0:29:140:29:16

and they get trapped in hairs and it makes them shake about,

0:29:160:29:19

like that, and they get pollen all over themselves,

0:29:190:29:22

and then the hairs wither away just before the insect dies

0:29:220:29:24

and the insect can release itself from the flower

0:29:240:29:26

and go and pollinate. Isn't it amazing?

0:29:260:29:28

-No, orchid means testicles, because in...

-Sorry, I got my...

0:29:280:29:31

In middle English it was called bollockwort.

0:29:310:29:35

I think you would have got that one. You would have known that one.

0:29:350:29:38

The next time you're backstage with somebody and a marvellous orchid

0:29:380:29:41

has been delivered, you go, "Oh, nice bollockwort."

0:29:410:29:43

I think we should bring that back.

0:29:430:29:45

Bollockwort is much better than orchids.

0:29:450:29:47

I've got two lovely bollockworts, actually, on my windowsill.

0:29:470:29:50

-Good for you.

-Hmm.

0:29:500:29:52

Talking about mimicry, have a look at these.

0:29:520:29:55

-These are snapdragons.

-Oh, yeah, skull ones. Yeah.

0:29:550:29:57

-Oooh.

-Snapdragon skulls. Amazing.

0:29:570:30:00

So there was a mania for collecting orchids,

0:30:000:30:02

it was called orchid delirium.

0:30:020:30:04

It hit the UK in the early 19th century.

0:30:040:30:06

There was a naturalist called William John Swainson,

0:30:060:30:08

and he packed some orchids which hadn't flowered,

0:30:080:30:11

he mistook them for weeds, and he used them as packaging material.

0:30:110:30:14

When they arrived in Britain, they burst into bloom,

0:30:140:30:16

and people couldn't believe it.

0:30:160:30:17

Flowers were beginning to change hands

0:30:170:30:19

for more than 1,000 per plant. Amazing amounts of money.

0:30:190:30:22

About 25 grand they were exchanging for a single plant.

0:30:220:30:25

-Isn't it amazing?

-For one bollockwort?

0:30:250:30:27

For one bollockwort, yes.

0:30:270:30:28

What you really want is a pair, obviously.

0:30:280:30:31

One of the UK's rarest plants is an orchid,

0:30:310:30:33

it's a beautiful thing called the ghost orchid.

0:30:330:30:35

It was first discovered in Britain in 1845,

0:30:350:30:37

and isn't it delicate and amazing?

0:30:370:30:40

They were seen 11 more times in the 1950s,

0:30:400:30:42

sometimes a few...

0:30:420:30:44

It was one of the rarest things. Anybody who was interested in plants

0:30:440:30:46

wanted to find one of these ghost orchids.

0:30:460:30:49

There's a sweet story,

0:30:490:30:50

there was a motorbike salesman called Mark Jannink.

0:30:500:30:52

He was searching and searching, and in 2009 he finally found one.

0:30:520:30:56

Apparently when he saw it, he said, "Hello, you. So there you are."

0:30:560:30:59

-Aw! You can see some today in the Welsh National Herbarium.

-Of course.

0:30:590:31:04

-There's a lovely vase of them.

-Yes.

0:31:040:31:06

So they get their name, partly because of the colour,

0:31:090:31:11

but also they were a little bit spooky, they have no chlorophyll

0:31:110:31:13

at all, so all plants, we think, have photosynthesis,

0:31:130:31:16

that's how they stay alive. But it's a parasite.

0:31:160:31:18

It steals energy from funguses below,

0:31:180:31:19

so it can live in the dark, shaded woods.

0:31:190:31:21

That's another reason why we can't find them. Aren't they gorgeous?

0:31:210:31:24

I like the one with the cock more.

0:31:240:31:25

What I like about you, Sarah, is you're reliable.

0:31:270:31:29

Now, name an object that is designed to fail.

0:31:350:31:39

MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES Yes, Alice.

0:31:390:31:41

I feel like all phones and laptops are designed to fail

0:31:410:31:45

after exactly 24 months.

0:31:450:31:47

Weirdly, when your contract's up, they just...

0:31:470:31:49

They just stop working immediately.

0:31:490:31:51

There does seem to be something in that, doesn't there?

0:31:510:31:53

It's a thing called planned obsolescence.

0:31:530:31:55

Built-in obsolescence. All white goods have it.

0:31:550:31:58

-Yeah.

-Eventually they fall apart and you have to buy another one.

0:31:580:32:01

So it started in the 1920s. There was a group of light bulb companies

0:32:010:32:04

known as the Phoebus cartel.

0:32:040:32:06

They got together to reduce the lifespan of a light bulb

0:32:060:32:10

down to 1,000 hours. They used to test each other's light bulbs.

0:32:100:32:13

There were fines levied if your light bulb was able to last longer.

0:32:130:32:16

The idea was that you deliberately gave all your products

0:32:160:32:18

a limited life span.

0:32:180:32:20

Aren't there still light bulbs that work from yesteryear?

0:32:200:32:23

Ooh, there's a light bulb in a Californian fire station

0:32:230:32:25

which is still going after 115 years.

0:32:250:32:28

Weirdly, there's a webcam...

0:32:280:32:30

Oh, I totally want to look at that.

0:32:310:32:33

..that you can look at to make sure that it's actually working.

0:32:330:32:36

But, I mean, the modern energy saving light bulb,

0:32:360:32:39

I can see nothing when they're on.

0:32:390:32:41

What about the ones that come on a bit,

0:32:410:32:43

-and then they come on really slowly...

-I like those ones.

0:32:430:32:46

You can use those ones for, like, sort of sexy time.

0:32:460:32:48

-Yeah.

-If you're quick.

0:32:480:32:50

"Getting brighter! It's getting brighter!"

0:32:500:32:52

"Oh, I'm getting... Oh, no! Aaaarrrrgh!"

0:32:540:32:58

"Get the mask! Get the mask!"

0:33:000:33:02

Well, those modern energy saving light bulbs,

0:33:030:33:05

they last about 2,500 hours.

0:33:050:33:07

But there are lots of planned obsolescences.

0:33:070:33:09

So DuPont, who invented nylon in the 1930s.

0:33:090:33:12

Nylon, tough stuff, you make parachutes out of it, right?

0:33:120:33:14

It's fantastic stuff. But they were reportedly told to make it fragile

0:33:140:33:18

-for making nylon tights.

-That's so irritating.

0:33:180:33:20

Why did they do that to us?

0:33:200:33:22

Do people still put nail polish on their...?

0:33:220:33:23

Yeah, I used to put nail polish on, and then you'd forget,

0:33:230:33:26

-and it had stuck to your leg.

-Yeah.

-Took a couple of hairs out,

0:33:260:33:28

if you were lucky, so you didn't have to shave that bit.

0:33:280:33:31

I only ever had red nail polish. I looked like a mild burns victim.

0:33:310:33:35

You have to use the clear nail polish.

0:33:350:33:37

Yeah. In the 1920s, the American car market was saturated,

0:33:370:33:40

and the head of General Motors, a man called Alfred P Sloan,

0:33:400:33:43

he came up with the idea of changing the design each year.

0:33:430:33:46

That was the idea. It's called dynamic obsolescence.

0:33:460:33:49

The idea is you say, "I want the new car."

0:33:490:33:52

There was a man called Bernard London in 1932, wrote a book

0:33:520:33:55

called Ending The Depression Through Planned Obsolescence.

0:33:550:33:58

That's why they invented that ham with the face on it.

0:33:580:34:00

-Sorry?

-Because people bought ham, but then they were like,

0:34:000:34:04

"How do we change up ham?"

0:34:040:34:05

So then they put a face on it, and everyone was like, "Great.

0:34:050:34:08

"Face meat. This is so much better."

0:34:080:34:10

There's meat with a face on it?

0:34:110:34:13

That's called a pig.

0:34:130:34:14

The other thing, of course, that seems to me

0:34:170:34:20

to have planned obsolescence is bloody printer cartridges.

0:34:200:34:23

-Yeah.

-Finally, someone's talking about the big issues.

-I know!

0:34:230:34:27

In North America, more than 350 million

0:34:270:34:30

often not empty cartridges are dumped every single year.

0:34:300:34:33

-That's a lot.

-Does everybody have a printer that doesn't work, though,

0:34:330:34:36

-under a chest of drawers?

-Yes.

0:34:360:34:37

I don't remember mine ever working, but it must have printed once.

0:34:370:34:40

Now I just keep it under a chest of drawers.

0:34:400:34:42

Why are you keeping it?

0:34:420:34:44

Well, exactly. You've got one. We've all got one.

0:34:440:34:46

-Why do we keep them?

-Yeah, I've got a couple of those.

0:34:460:34:48

-Yeah.

-About four computers and eight phones.

0:34:480:34:50

Someone's doing all right for themselves.

0:34:500:34:53

I had a fax machine until fairly recently.

0:34:560:34:59

Shall I tell you what I've got?

0:34:590:35:00

No matter how many times you clear out the under stairs cupboard,

0:35:000:35:03

there's a fondue set.

0:35:030:35:04

You clear it out, you get rid of it, it goes to the charity shop.

0:35:060:35:09

Next time you clear it, there's a bloody fondue set.

0:35:090:35:11

Do you know what? That's the most relatable thing I've heard all day.

0:35:110:35:15

Now, the object of the game is to avoid the klaxons,

0:35:150:35:17

as we play General Ignorance.

0:35:170:35:19

So, fingers on buzzers, please.

0:35:190:35:20

What would a medieval knight call this?

0:35:210:35:24

-Chain mail.

-Chain mail. KLAXON

0:35:240:35:26

-No, it's just mail.

-Oh.

-I know.

0:35:310:35:34

Is that like saying PIN number?

0:35:340:35:36

Yes, it is what's called a Victorian pleonasm.

0:35:360:35:38

It's when you use many more words to explain something

0:35:380:35:41

than is necessary, you don't really need that many words.

0:35:410:35:44

-Isn't that QI?

-It is QI, yes.

0:35:440:35:47

It's only been called chain mail since the turn of the 19th century.

0:35:470:35:50

We could save valuable time,

0:35:500:35:52

couldn't we, by dropping the extra word?

0:35:520:35:54

I think I'd save days a year.

0:35:540:35:56

It's the same for suit of armour, because, of course,

0:35:560:35:58

armour is a suit, so you don't need suit of armour.

0:35:580:36:01

In Lord Of The Rings, you know they had all that chain mail?

0:36:010:36:03

It took seven years to film the Lord Of The Rings films,

0:36:030:36:06

and there was a man whose only job was to slice a thin plastic tube

0:36:060:36:09

every single day, and in that plastic tube he made the chain mail.

0:36:090:36:13

And on the special features of the DVD of Lord Of The Rings -

0:36:130:36:15

it's, like, 40 hours, you can watch it...

0:36:150:36:17

-Wow! We're lucky you're here tonight.

-Yeah, I know.

0:36:170:36:19

And this man, they said to him at the end, "So, you've been doing this for seven years."

0:36:190:36:23

He went, "I wouldn't take back a day, it's been the best experience of my whole entire life."

0:36:230:36:27

-But what's it for?

-To make fake chain mail,

0:36:270:36:29

they couldn't give them real, cos it's too heavy.

0:36:290:36:31

So they made it out of plastic and sprayed it silver.

0:36:310:36:33

-So, why are they remaking it every day?

-Cos there were so many extras,

0:36:330:36:36

there was so much to make, they had to constantly make it.

0:36:360:36:38

Had everyone thrown it away at the end of the day?

0:36:380:36:40

No, it's plastic, so it just kept breaking.

0:36:400:36:42

And also, Viggo Mortensen probably was, like, really living it, because he was so...

0:36:420:36:46

LAUGHTER

0:36:480:36:49

Seriously, between that and the ham with the face,

0:36:500:36:53

I have no idea what anybody is talking about.

0:36:530:36:56

Moving on, medieval battles were full of mail-on-mail action.

0:36:560:37:01

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:37:010:37:02

Working me arse off here, people.

0:37:050:37:07

What would you have seen tumbling across the prairie

0:37:080:37:11

after George Washington made a terrible joke?

0:37:110:37:15

ALICE GROANS

0:37:150:37:16

MUSIC BOX LULLABY CHIMES Alice?

0:37:160:37:18

-Tumbleweed...

-KLAXON

0:37:180:37:21

The answer is, we don't know whether he ever made a joke,

0:37:240:37:26

is the truth of it. But we do know it wasn't tumbleweed,

0:37:260:37:29

because during his lifetime there was...?

0:37:290:37:31

-No tumbleweed?

-No tumbleweed.

0:37:310:37:33

It's native to Russia, not to the USA, and it arrived in the USA

0:37:330:37:38

long after he had passed away, in the late 19th century.

0:37:380:37:41

It was accidentally imported in shipments of flax seed from Russia.

0:37:410:37:45

Although when you drive now, you do see it just like that.

0:37:450:37:48

And a single tumbleweed can become the size of a Volkswagen Beetle.

0:37:480:37:53

They can bury houses, they can fuel forest fires,

0:37:530:37:55

-I mean, it is fearful stuff.

-Oh, my God!

0:37:550:37:58

As it tumbles, it scatters seeds up to 250,000 per plant.

0:37:580:38:03

So it keeps perpetuating itself.

0:38:030:38:04

And in 2016, there's a rural city in Australia called Wangaratta,

0:38:040:38:09

and they were hit by a type of tumbleweed called hairy panic.

0:38:090:38:13

-That could be your wrestling name, Sandi.

-Yeah.

0:38:150:38:17

"Here she comes, all the way from Denmark, it's Hairy Panic!

0:38:190:38:24

"She's small, but she's fierce!"

0:38:240:38:26

The truth is we don't know whether George Washington ever told a joke,

0:38:260:38:29

but when I was a child, I grew up in the United States,

0:38:290:38:31

and we celebrated Washington's birthday.

0:38:310:38:33

You were made to tell George Washington jokes.

0:38:330:38:35

So I've got a couple to see what you think of them, that I have recalled.

0:38:350:38:38

What would George Washington be if he were alive today?

0:38:380:38:41

Dead.

0:38:410:38:42

If he were alive today.

0:38:450:38:46

-Old.

-Yes, really, really old. Well done.

0:38:480:38:50

Oh.

0:38:500:38:51

How did George Washington speak to his army?

0:38:510:38:54

Up his sleevies? No.

0:38:540:38:56

-Loudly?

-In general terms.

0:38:580:39:01

GROANING

0:39:010:39:03

They're as good as they were when I was eight.

0:39:030:39:06

-They haven't aged a day.

-Not a day.

0:39:060:39:09

Right, does anybody fancy a cup of tea?

0:39:090:39:11

-Yes.

-Tea all round?

-Yes, please. Yes.

-Ooh, yes.

0:39:110:39:14

Yes, I feel there's not enough tea breaks.

0:39:140:39:16

-So what I'm going to do, I'm going to...

-Do you have any herbal?

0:39:160:39:19

Jesus Christ!

0:39:190:39:20

No, I haven't.

0:39:220:39:24

Right, anybody know, to the nearest 100ml,

0:39:240:39:28

how much water did it take to make this tea?

0:39:280:39:31

-To make the whole pot?

-To make the cup of tea I'm giving you.

0:39:310:39:34

So one cup of tea, I'm going to... I've given you a little bit of milk.

0:39:340:39:37

And everybody gets two sugars, you don't have to use them, but I'm...

0:39:370:39:40

So, that's what I'm asking. There's a cup of tea.

0:39:400:39:43

-Tea, Cariad?

-Thanks, darling.

-Thanks.

-Do you want sugar?

0:39:430:39:46

-Do you guys want sugar?

-That's piss weak, Sandi.

0:39:460:39:49

I didn't actually... I didn't make the tea.

0:39:490:39:52

I have people for that.

0:39:520:39:54

To the nearest 100ml?

0:39:540:39:57

-300.

-300! KLAXON

0:39:570:39:59

Do you mean to the cup or in the flask?

0:40:030:40:05

Yes, so one cup, to the nearest 100ml,

0:40:050:40:06

-how much water did it take to make the tea?

-200.

0:40:060:40:09

KLAXON

0:40:090:40:11

-I sense a pattern here.

-Any more?

0:40:110:40:13

-100?

-100! KLAXON

0:40:130:40:15

Ten litres.

0:40:170:40:18

-Ten... You're getting closer.

-Oh?

0:40:180:40:20

Yes. The answer is 52,000ml.

0:40:200:40:25

-Oh, to grow the tea plants?

-That's why it's so weak.

0:40:250:40:28

-That wasn't the question!

-It was, to make this...

0:40:280:40:30

I'm trying to work out how much that is.

0:40:300:40:32

Yes, but it's QI.

0:40:320:40:35

Oh, I forgot what programme I was on!

0:40:350:40:37

52 litres of water, roughly, go into white tea with two sugars.

0:40:370:40:41

So we'll see how it breaks down.

0:40:410:40:43

Around 30 litres to make the amount of tea in a single tea bag.

0:40:430:40:47

Ten litres to make the dash of milk.

0:40:470:40:49

And six litres needed for every teaspoon of sugar.

0:40:490:40:51

So, 60 billion cups of tea consumed in Britain every year.

0:40:510:40:55

So that gives us a footprint of 3,000 billion litres of water.

0:40:550:40:59

That's about ten times the volume of water in Lake Windermere

0:40:590:41:02

that is needed to make the tea for Britain.

0:41:020:41:04

Imagine making Lake Windermere into a giant cup of tea.

0:41:040:41:07

So, what are your cups made of?

0:41:070:41:10

# Polystyrene. #

0:41:100:41:13

Styrofoam?

0:41:130:41:14

KLAXON

0:41:140:41:16

Duh!

0:41:210:41:22

APPLAUSE

0:41:250:41:26

No. You're right, they're polystyrene, they're not Styrofoam.

0:41:290:41:32

All right, don't pick on me.

0:41:320:41:34

-That's what we have new people on for.

-Oh, OK.

0:41:340:41:37

Welcome to the show. So they're totally different.

0:41:370:41:41

Styrofoam is extruded polystyrene, which is the stuff on the left.

0:41:410:41:45

Does it come out of her bum?

0:41:450:41:46

The strawberry laces she's got through.

0:41:490:41:51

"How much did you want?"

0:41:510:41:53

So there's a difference between extruded polystyrene,

0:41:560:41:58

which is Styrofoam, and the stuff that we're drinking out of,

0:41:580:42:01

which is expanded polystyrene.

0:42:010:42:02

Now that you have dodged that round, let's take a look at the scores.

0:42:020:42:06

And in fourth place, with a magnificent -34, it's Alan.

0:42:060:42:10

-Thank you very much.

-APPLAUSE

0:42:100:42:12

In third place, with a very creditable -29, Sarah.

0:42:140:42:18

APPLAUSE

0:42:180:42:19

In second place, and considering it's her first show,

0:42:210:42:23

what an incredible score, -18, Alice.

0:42:230:42:25

APPLAUSE

0:42:250:42:27

And, finally, in first place, with four points, Cariad!

0:42:280:42:33

APPLAUSE

0:42:330:42:35

Tonight's prize, Cariad, obviously...

0:42:400:42:45

This lovely pair of truck nuts. There you are, congratulations.

0:42:450:42:48

Thank you, thank you.

0:42:480:42:49

APPLAUSE

0:42:490:42:50

It only remains for me to thank Alice, Sarah, Cariad and Alan,

0:42:550:42:58

and you've all been so great it's practically criminal, so let's

0:42:580:43:02

break out my favourite object - confetti cannons. There we are.

0:43:020:43:07

Ready? Steady, fire!

0:43:070:43:10

CHEERING

0:43:100:43:12

Good night. APPLAUSE

0:43:140:43:16

Sandi Toksvig looks at some objects and ornaments. Along the way, the panel discover where you can find an actual UFO and meet the world's best-dressed crab. With Sarah Millican, Cariad Lloyd, Alice Levine and Alan Davies.