Overseas QI XL


Overseas

Sandi Toksvig ventures overseas to find out about Allotment Annies, who keeps their brothers in a cage. With Bill Bailey, Colin Lane, Desiree Burch and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to QI.

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Tonight we are heading overseas,

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and helping me to oversee proceedings

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are the Maharaja of Mirth, Bill Bailey...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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..the Sultana of Swing, Desiree Burch...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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..the Grand Vizier of Gags, Colin Lane...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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..and on his "gap yah", Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Right, let's OVERSEA their buzzers. Bill goes...

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# Over the hills and far away... #

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That's lovely. Desiree goes...

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# It's a long way to Tipperary... #

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Colin goes...

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# I come from a land down under... #

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Alan goes...

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# Show me the way to go home

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# I'm tired and I wanna go to bed... #

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That's like the ultimate drunk song, isn't it, that?

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-Yeah.

-Now, which Australian icon is regularly smeared in olive oil?

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-# Go home... #

-Oh, Alan was in.

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Colin Lane.

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KLAXON BLARES

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And it's not a good look.

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So, I need an Australian icon regularly smeared in olive oil.

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Well, would it be an animal of some kind?

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A beast, a thing?

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-No, it's not an animal.

-Sydney Harbour Bridge is...

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-OK, you're getting close.

-Ooh.

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-Opera House?

-Yes, the Opera House is absolutely the right answer.

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-Why did you say that?

-It's 200 metres

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-from the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

-Yeah, exactly.

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And you said that was close when he said...

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So there was a Greek migrant who arrived in Sydney in 1964,

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Steve Tsoukalas, and he loved the building immediately.

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It was being built, he immediately decided he wanted to work there.

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He is still working there, he's the longest-serving employee,

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and he was inspired by his own Greek heritage.

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So he said, "Olive oil for the Greeks means a lot of things.

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"The Greeks used olive oil in the Olympic Games to rub on the body.

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"Olive oil protects from the sun."

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And he decided that the building needed to be rubbed in olive oil.

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The fact is, it doesn't protect it from the sun at all,

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but it stops the railings and the door frames

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-and the windows from getting rusty.

-Ah.

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He's still working there more than 50 years later.

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And does it not deter people from clambering on it,

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-I imagine, as well?

-Because you'd slide off because of the olive oil.

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I love the design of it, I think the design of it is extraordinary.

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Apparently the Danish architect Jorn Utzon...

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SHE CHUCKLES

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He got the idea when he was peeling an orange.

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It's the segments of an orange, and then the 14 shells,

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if you put them together, would make a perfect sphere.

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What I love about the story is his design

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was recovered from a reject pile.

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It was a competition and he got £5,000 for winning the competition.

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He got £5,000 and a lot of grief, unfortunately.

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Yes, it didn't go well, did it?

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No, they ran out of money and then they didn't want to do

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his inside design,

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so he was very unhappy and it's not a very funny story.

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No.

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But, anyway, thanks to Australia for treating a Dane so well.

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So, anyway...

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I'm kidding.

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There are lots of different ways of cleaning buildings. So, York Minster

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found that covering the building in a paint made from olive oil

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can also help to protect it from rain damage.

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So one of the components of olive oil is an acid

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that reacts with limestone surfaces,

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and it creates a barrier and stops water getting into the stone itself.

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So, actually, it is a wonderful thing, olive oil.

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It's a panacea, for buildings.

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I remember, we had this neighbour once, who hated squirrels,

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and he painted all the trees with anti-climb paint.

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And... Which was...

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Obviously I don't know whether that's cruel or what,

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-I don't know, but it was hilarious to watch.

-Quite funny, yeah.

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The cat would chase the squirrel, and the squirrel would go,

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"Hey, I'm out of here!"

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If he caught them, he'd drown them in a barrel.

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That's right.

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Yeah, yeah, that's the sort of darker element of his...

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Of his squirrel hatred.

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-You were living next door to a psycho.

-Yeah. Yeah, pretty much.

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-And that's OK? You're allowed to do that?

-You're allowed to do that.

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-In fact, you're encouraged to do it.

-Don't tell people that.

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You're not allowed to do that. Please do not do this at home.

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We had a fox in the garden and it was injured

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and it was not going to make it.

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And, er, the kindest thing to do was to, you know...

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-Put it out on the A40.

-Yeah, yeah.

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Yeah, actually, that's...

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Tie it to some railway tracks.

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No, what we did was...

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I had to, you know, finish it off and...

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Not in that way, obviously!

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I mean, it's going to die, give it a little joy.

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Well, I thought I'd better do it...

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When you do that, is that a guitar, a mic stand, what is that?

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Yeah, with a Flying V guitar. With a shovel.

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And I thought, "I hope nobody's watching this,"

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because that's not a good look, is it?

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Animal lover Bill Bailey, by day.

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By night...

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Mwa-ha-ha!

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Aren't you supposed to put them at the back...

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Put the exhaust on if an animal's injured, put the exhaust on

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and kill it with the fumes

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-from the back of a car?

-Really?

-Is that not a thing?

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Drown it in a barrel suddenly sounds so far the most humane.

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Fake the animal suicide - is that what we're doing?

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Write a little fox note with a paw print at the end.

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"I couldn't go on."

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-Hooked up to the exhaust, yeah, that's it.

-"Not enough rubbish."

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No, what you do, you hang it from a beam...

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..you turn a chair over

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and you put a puddle there as if there had once been a block of ice.

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-Ooh!

-And an electric fire.

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-Oh, you just ring up Bill.

-Just for me, I'll come round.

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-I've got a taste for it now.

-Bill with a shovel.

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There are other things you can do with...

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I don't think I'll be able to say this -

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there are other things you can do with olive oil!

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-Cover opera houses.

-Yes.

-Well, in Turkey, oil wrestling

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is the national sport.

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They have an annual world series, it's called the Kirkpinar.

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40 Springs. It's the oldest continuing sporting event

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in the world.

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There are 13 weight categories, from Best Beginner,

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all the way up to Chief Wrestler, and taking in Big Medium,

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Small Medium Big and Small And Sweet.

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Which I like.

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You are allowed to put your hand down your opponent's trousers.

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-Hmm, there you go.

-But it is explicitly against the rules

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to grab your opponent's testicles

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or invade his rectum.

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That was going to be the one, right there.

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-Just, ooh!

-You can, if you want, you can put a squirrel down there.

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-And that's...

-Yes.

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Yeah, that squirrel will be committing suicide thereafter.

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This looks like an instructional video of a pickpocket.

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It's like, do's and don'ts.

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Do aim for the pocket.

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Yeah.

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The one on the right really looks compliant.

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He's saying, "You can invade it if you like.

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"I won't say a word!"

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"It's not an invasion if I invite you in there."

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Right, moving on, um...

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What did the Romans think the Britons had ever done for them?

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I'm going to give you a clue, it begins with O.

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Orienteering. They just went in straight lines,

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whereas we could go from point to point over all terrain.

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-Via a youth hostel.

-Yes.

-Yes.

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-They've got nothing to eat.

-Octopus.

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Orally.

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THEY ALL MUMBLE SLOWLY

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Ovaltine!

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-Oysters.

-Oysters.

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When they came to Britain, they fell in love with our oysters.

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The first century BC Roman historian, Sallust, he said,

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"Poor Britons, there is some good in them after all.

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"They have produced an oyster."

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So, do you like oysters? I love oysters.

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-Yes.

-Yeah, they're fantastic.

-I think they are just delicious.

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-I'll tell you what is nice.

-Yeah.

-Fish paste.

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Innit, though? Fish paste on toast.

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-Oh, it is, yeah.

-Can you still get that?

-Yeah.

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Yeah, you can get that.

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And Salisbury Cathedral is covered in it.

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It stops the pigeons from landing.

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I just made that up, I don't know. It could be true, I don't know.

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It sounds plausible.

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They used to transport the oysters from here all the way

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over the Alps in carts filled with snow and ice.

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The wealthier Romans used to have salt water tanks in their gardens,

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so they could keep them fresh for parties and that sort of thing.

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-Wait, they went over the Alps...

-Yes.

-..rather than in a boat,

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since they'd already gotten something from the sea?

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I think actually some did go by sea from the Kent coast from Reculver

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and places like that, but certainly a lot went up and over the Alps.

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You can find oyster shells from that part of the Kent coast

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in Rome at some of the archaeological sites.

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-That is pretty weird.

-That is quite strange.

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But oysters aside, I have to say,

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the Romans viewed the British as uncultured and backwards.

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They mocked their abundance of tattoos and lack of clothing.

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-Nothing's changed.

-Nothing's changed.

-No!

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The second-century historian Herodian, he reported the reason

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they didn't wear clothes was to show off their tattoos.

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Oysters have been very popular in this country for a long time.

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There's a horrible story of William Thackeray.

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He tried one the size of a dinner plate when he was in New York,

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in 1852, and he described it,

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"Like swallowing a live baby."

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In the 19th century, London was plagued by a man called Dando,

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the celebrated oyster glutton.

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This man was constantly sent to prison for overeating oysters

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and not paying the bill. And he became a sort of folk hero.

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And every time he left prison,

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he went back out and immediately started eating oysters again,

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not paying for them, and then back in again.

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There's a wonderful story about him leaving Brixton prison,

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still in the prison garb, he eats 13 dozen oysters,

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and washes it down with five bottles of ginger beer,

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because he was, "Troubled with wind in the stomach."

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You'd think he'd eat a quieter food if he'd been thrown in jail.

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It's all that slurping. Eat marshmallows.

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-Yes, something.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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He once ate 240 oysters in one sitting.

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GASPS I know, that is really...

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-Audible gasps!

-Yes.

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-Is it an aphrodisiac?

-It IS an aphrodisiac.

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Casanova had 60 oysters for breakfast every day -

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that was his thing - and they've done studies on this,

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and it's rich in rare amino acids which can trigger increased levels

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of sex hormones, so yes, it is an aphrodisiac.

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Your breath would be pretty bad, wouldn't it?

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I mean, you wouldn't want to have sex with that person

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if they'd eaten 240 oysters.

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And also there'd be a lot of shells kicking around.

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-A lot of shells.

-It'd hurt.

-Be a bit like lying on a bit of Lego,

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wouldn't it?

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I once lacerated my hand quite badly trying to open an oyster shell,

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and I was trying to decide if that was the most middle-class injury

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you could possibly have.

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And then I got my finger stuck in the ladies' lavatory

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at the Dorchester, and I thought, "No, that's quite bad as well."

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No, the most middle-class injury would be

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passing the port the wrong way,

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and then realising it halfway through,

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-and getting a crick in your neck.

-That's it!

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Oh, God... Oh, GOD!

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So, anyway. On the screen we have some anagrams of country names.

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I want you to see how many you can work out.

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And you've got just a few seconds.

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Write them down, please.

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-What are we working out, sorry?

-What countries these are anagrams of.

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Oh, I see.

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Well, I've got the first two.

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After that I'm in trouble.

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OK. Who got all four?

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-# Down under... #

-Oh, Colin!

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KLAXON BLARES

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-"I did." I did is wrong?

-Yes, it is wrong.

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It's not possible to get all four - how many did you get?

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Only the two.

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-Just two?

-Yeah.

-Colin, what did you think they were, darling?

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-Well, Wales.

-Yes.

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-France.

-Yes.

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-Angola.

-Ah, there you go.

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And Kazakhstan.

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Yeah, it would be Kazakhstan, except there is an extra E.

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So the fourth one is not possible.

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Here's the thing.

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-That's very good, I think.

-Well, thank you very much, Alan.

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I mean, obviously there's no E in Kazakhstan,

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-but to get anywhere near is very impressive.

-Thank you very much.

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I mean, I didn't even get Angola, I was so distracted by my own name.

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Yeah!

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-Alan. Alan. Alan.

-We're just celebrating the fact

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-that you saw your name in big letters.

-Alan. Alan. Alan.

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Colin, it's not a good thing that you thought you'd got all four,

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because what they now know is that you're more likely to act immorally

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if you spend time abroad.

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Yes, I just thought that I was right, but I wasn't.

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So I didn't actually purposely lie.

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No, no.

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So they did a study of this.

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They got people to solve anagrams, and what they've discovered is

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that people who spend time abroad

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are more likely to say that they've done something correctly.

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48% of people who spent a year in a foreign country cheated on the test,

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compared with 30% of the others.

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The idea is that your moral compass loses some of its precision.

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The further from your home country?

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Yeah. So a fifth of people admitted to stealing while they've been in a foreign country.

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So, what you're saying is that you go abroad,

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you live abroad for a bit, and you sort of, kind of, almost have

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a bit of licence to reinvent yourself a little bit,

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-and become a different person...

-Be a bit naughty.

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..who would do things you'd not normally do?

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Yeah. So 20% of people admitted to urinating in public when abroad,

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but wouldn't dream of doing it.

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-Oh.

-Although the first time I came over to Europe,

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everyone was pissing everywhere.

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Out along the streets, it was like, this is the way of the Europeans.

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-Everyone...

-Oh. Whereabouts in Britain were you at this point?

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So, lots of people do that. 5% of people who did the survey,

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drinking too much has led to a naked escapade in public,

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but only when abroad.

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I've never... Have you had a naked escapade abroad?

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I don't know why I'm looking at you, Bill.

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Um, no, well, no. Well, all right, well...

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-Yeah, I have.

-Yeah.

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I got locked out of a room once.

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The thing I don't understand, Expedia, a travel company,

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they did a survey in 2002,

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and the British were voted the worst tourists in the world.

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Yeah!

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-Champions!

-Number one!

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In your face, Europe!

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Well, because Europe,

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your liquor laws make everything close at midnight,

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and then you go to these places where you can drink until 4am.

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You don't know how to pace or control yourselves.

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-No, that's true.

-It's like, "Lads! Lads! Lads!" Everywhere.

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And people are like, really, it's OK, you can...

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There's more to drink tomorrow! Stop for now.

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The Danes have a completely different attitude

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to the whole thing.

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I was once taken to the Central Hospital in Copenhagen,

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the A&E department on a Saturday night,

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and it was completely empty.

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They self medicate, though, don't they?

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They stitch one another up with string.

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Gurdy-gurdy-gurdy. AARGH!

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Bite on this!

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HE YELLS

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I said to the nurse, I said, "Where all the drunks?"

0:14:530:14:56

And she said, "If people are drunk, they should go home."

0:14:560:14:58

And your neighbours, you're very, very organised. Extraordinary.

0:15:000:15:03

I did a festival in southern Sweden, in Lund,

0:15:030:15:05

and it was Friday night,

0:15:050:15:06

and you'd think, Friday night in any town in Britain,

0:15:060:15:08

all the pubs are open, it's, you know, it's like Day Of The Dead.

0:15:080:15:12

But I've been in many, many European capitals

0:15:140:15:17

where the only people still up are the British tourists.

0:15:170:15:19

You know? In a fountain going "whay"!

0:15:190:15:23

But here is the strange thing.

0:15:230:15:24

They did the same survey seven years later,

0:15:240:15:26

and Britain had jumped to second-best tourists,

0:15:260:15:28

so they'd gone from being worst to being second,

0:15:280:15:30

and I can't work out why in seven years.

0:15:300:15:31

-They're trying to get back to number one.

-Yeah, do you think?

0:15:310:15:34

Guess who's the best tourists in the world?

0:15:340:15:36

No, darling, it's not the Australians.

0:15:360:15:38

-Japanese?

-Japanese, yeah, absolutely.

0:15:380:15:39

The most polite, quietest, cleanest, least likely to complain.

0:15:390:15:43

-Yeah.

-And by the way, as far as alcohol is concerned, Australia,

0:15:430:15:46

we never touch the stuff.

0:15:460:15:48

Never touch your shitty lager, that's for sure.

0:15:480:15:51

Well, we... We don't touch it either -

0:15:570:16:00

that's why we sent it all over here.

0:16:000:16:02

My favourite story about people getting drunk abroad

0:16:040:16:06

happened in 2012, two Welsh holiday-makers.

0:16:060:16:08

They drank a litre and a half of vodka, right?

0:16:080:16:11

So this is like two wine bottles, basically, of vodka.

0:16:110:16:14

-Bloody hell.

-They were in Queensland, and they woke up to find

0:16:140:16:16

they were sharing their apartment with a fairy penguin called Dirk

0:16:160:16:21

they had obtained by breaking into SeaWorld the night before.

0:16:210:16:25

They're the smallest species of penguin, about 13 inches high.

0:16:250:16:29

They had apparently also swum with the dolphins

0:16:290:16:31

and let off a fire extinguisher in the shark pool.

0:16:310:16:33

They then tried to care for the penguin by giving it a shower.

0:16:350:16:39

I feel like this is a plot to a Hollywood film.

0:16:410:16:43

Like, they've had the best vacation they'll never remember.

0:16:430:16:46

Yes, you're absolutely right.

0:16:470:16:49

And then they tried to put it in a canal,

0:16:490:16:51

because they didn't know what to do with it.

0:16:510:16:54

-What a night!

-Yeah, seriously!

0:16:540:16:56

-Top night out.

-Yeah.

-Once you've put out a shark that's on fire...

0:16:560:16:59

Can you imagine waking up drunk and there's a penguin right there?

0:17:010:17:04

How did they find out it was called Dirk?

0:17:070:17:10

-I think SeaWorld said, "Where the hell is Dirk?"

-Oh, OK.

0:17:100:17:12

-Dirk's always out with the Welsh lads.

-Yeah.

0:17:140:17:16

Right, what am I doing here?

0:17:170:17:20

Oh.

0:17:200:17:21

OK, it's a cry for help.

0:17:240:17:26

Some of my... Some of my finest work, I think you'll find.

0:17:260:17:28

Overdoing it, overreacting?

0:17:290:17:31

Yes, yes, there is that,

0:17:320:17:34

but where might I... Where do you think...

0:17:340:17:36

-Oh...

-Somewhere in like the prairie, the plains?

-Ohio?

0:17:360:17:39

-Look, watch this, this is good.

-Oh!

0:17:390:17:42

So, keep going - it's beginning with O,

0:17:440:17:46

-somewhere in the United States.

-Austin?

-Ohio?

0:17:460:17:48

Austin doesn't begin with an O.

0:17:480:17:49

Oh, right, yeah.

0:17:490:17:50

-Oh...

-Oklahoma!

-There we go!

0:17:510:17:53

So when Oklahoma was opened up to American settlers,

0:17:560:17:58

you could claim your favourite plot of land by just standing on it,

0:17:580:18:01

waving your hat in the air and shouting "hurrah"!

0:18:010:18:04

In 1889, President Benjamin Harrison declared two million acres

0:18:060:18:09

of Indian territories, so that's the future Oklahoma,

0:18:090:18:12

to be available to white settlers,

0:18:120:18:14

and they did it on one day, April 22nd.

0:18:140:18:16

50,000 Americans set up tents along the border

0:18:160:18:20

and then they galloped...

0:18:200:18:21

Apart from the bloke from the Village People,

0:18:210:18:23

who was on a Penny Farthing.

0:18:230:18:24

He is quite camp, isn't he?

0:18:260:18:27

There was a starting gun at midday,

0:18:280:18:30

and they were called boomers, after the sound of the gun

0:18:300:18:32

and there were special boomer trains as well,

0:18:320:18:34

but they weren't allowed to go any faster

0:18:340:18:36

than the maximum speed of the horse so that nobody could cheat.

0:18:360:18:39

And then you just stood on the land, you waved your hat,

0:18:390:18:41

and shouted "hurrah", and you got your piece of land.

0:18:410:18:43

Well, how would you have a dispute

0:18:430:18:44

if two people got to the same piece of land and one was like "whooo"!

0:18:440:18:47

And the other one was like, "No, whooo!"

0:18:470:18:49

I think in a traditional American way.

0:18:490:18:51

You'd get shot. Yeah. Why, why did I ask?

0:18:520:18:54

There was another way actually you could claim the land -

0:18:540:18:57

-you could stand on it and fire a pistol.

-Oh, there you go.

0:18:570:18:59

There was an amazing woman called Nannita Daisy -

0:18:590:19:02

she's a great legend in the United States

0:19:020:19:04

for fighting gender discrimination,

0:19:040:19:06

but she took part in four Oklahoma land runs,

0:19:060:19:08

and she got her first bit of land by jumping off a train,

0:19:080:19:10

firing a celebratory shot,

0:19:100:19:12

and getting back on the same train,

0:19:120:19:14

-and carrying on to the next piece of land.

-Wow!

0:19:140:19:16

Allegedly, she jumped off the cow catcher at the front,

0:19:160:19:18

although we don't know if that's true or not.

0:19:180:19:20

But she is considered a hero in Oklahoma.

0:19:200:19:22

There's a statue to her in Edmond in Oklahoma.

0:19:220:19:24

How did she jump off the train in those heels?

0:19:240:19:26

-I don't buy it.

-Yeah...

0:19:260:19:28

You didn't choose to re-enact that? No?

0:19:280:19:31

There's a limit to what I'll do for this show and that's it,

0:19:310:19:33

right there.

0:19:330:19:35

So as well as boomers, there were also sooners,

0:19:360:19:37

and these were people who in the Oklahoma Territory

0:19:370:19:40

before the legal date and time,

0:19:400:19:42

and because of that, Oklahoma is known as The Sooner State.

0:19:420:19:44

The name Oklahoma comes from the Choctaw phrase okla humma,

0:19:440:19:48

which literally means red people.

0:19:480:19:50

The thing I love about the Choctaw people,

0:19:500:19:52

in 1847 there's a great famine in Ireland,

0:19:520:19:55

and they were so moved to hear about people starving in Ireland

0:19:550:19:58

that they gathered together 170...

0:19:580:20:01

So, these are a poor people,

0:20:010:20:02

gathering together what was a huge sum of money at that time.

0:20:020:20:05

People did suffer terribly in their removal from the Indian territory.

0:20:050:20:09

..and sent it to the Irish.

0:20:090:20:10

-Do you not think that is wonderfully affecting?

-That's incredible.

-Yeah.

0:20:100:20:13

Now, we all know who was overpaid, oversexed and over here.

0:20:130:20:16

But who was overpaid, undersexed and over there?

0:20:160:20:20

-Well, these are GIs we're talking about.

-OK, GIs. Yeah.

0:20:200:20:23

-But you're saying there was an equivalent?

-Yes.

-Oh, OK, undersexed.

0:20:230:20:26

Oh, all the women who were left behind waiting,

0:20:260:20:29

-although they weren't overpaid, were they?

-No.

-Well, it depends.

0:20:290:20:32

So, during the Second World War,

0:20:320:20:33

the wives of the American servicemen who'd been sent to fight abroad,

0:20:330:20:36

they got an allotment. It was known as an allotment,

0:20:360:20:39

and it was 50 a month for their husband's tour.

0:20:390:20:41

And if the husband died in battle, they got 10,000 life insurance.

0:20:410:20:46

Some of the women thought, "That's a marvellous idea."

0:20:460:20:48

So they married as many men as they could!

0:20:480:20:51

So, they were bigamists.

0:20:520:20:53

They were known as Allotment Annies.

0:20:530:20:56

There's a fabulous story about one of them, Elvira Taylor.

0:20:560:20:58

She was 17 years old, and she had married two men,

0:20:580:21:02

and she was caught out by the most unbelievably unlucky coincidence.

0:21:020:21:05

There were two American sailors in a pub - this is not them,

0:21:050:21:07

this is just us showing two American sailors.

0:21:070:21:09

And they both showed a photograph of their wife...

0:21:090:21:12

..to the other, and it turns out she was in fact married to both of them,

0:21:150:21:18

as well as four other sailors.

0:21:180:21:20

Oh, hashtag role models.

0:21:200:21:22

In fact, the practice was considered so widespread

0:21:240:21:26

that warnings against possible bigamists

0:21:260:21:28

were printed in every civil notice of every single marriage.

0:21:280:21:31

There was even a film, Allotment Wives, released about them.

0:21:310:21:34

Hundreds of women were convicted after the war

0:21:340:21:36

of having been Allotment Annies.

0:21:360:21:38

-Wow.

-Allotment Annies.

-I know, it's a great phrase, isn't it?

0:21:380:21:40

It is, yeah.

0:21:400:21:42

Now, when Americans were first described as overpaid,

0:21:420:21:45

oversexed and over here, where was here?

0:21:450:21:48

Kent.

0:21:480:21:50

I love this picture!

0:21:510:21:52

-Colin should know this.

-Australia.

0:21:560:21:58

Australia is absolutely the right answer.

0:21:580:21:59

-ALL:

-Ah!

-Wave the flag! Australia flag?

0:21:590:22:02

Yay!

0:22:020:22:03

-This one's like...

-SHE GROWLS

0:22:030:22:05

So the first GIs arrived in Australia, December 1941,

0:22:050:22:08

and a couple of months later they arrived in the UK,

0:22:080:22:11

so that expression "overpaid, oversexed and over here"

0:22:110:22:14

initially was used to refer to them in Australia.

0:22:140:22:17

-But they must have been very sexy to the Australian women.

-Oh, yes.

0:22:170:22:19

I mean, they were well dressed and well paid.

0:22:190:22:22

Are you saying that the Americans were attractive,

0:22:220:22:24

or are you saying that Australia's women are desperate? Or...

0:22:240:22:27

Any time anyone comes over from another place,

0:22:270:22:30

they're always like, "Ooh, exotic!

0:22:300:22:32

"I like the way you talk, you say what we say but different.

0:22:320:22:35

"Nom."

0:22:350:22:36

Exactly.

0:22:370:22:39

Except if you're from Birmingham.

0:22:390:22:41

-BRUMMIE ACCENT:

-Hullo!

0:22:420:22:44

And letters from Birmingham can be addressed directly to Bill Bailey...

0:22:440:22:48

No, they're all in Birmingham, all going,

0:22:480:22:50

-BRUMMIE ACCENT:

-"It's true, that, it's true."

0:22:500:22:52

"Hullo, oi'm from anuther countray!"

0:22:520:22:54

"Do you fancy going to... Don't go!"

0:22:560:22:58

Allotment Annies could make 50 per month per husband,

0:23:000:23:04

and that's a-lot-men.

0:23:040:23:05

GROANING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:060:23:08

OK, who am I talking about? A great beauty, pouty lips, long legs,

0:23:130:23:18

good posture, firm ears,

0:23:180:23:20

and spits in your face when you annoy them?

0:23:200:23:23

-Camel.

-It is a camel, indeed.

0:23:230:23:25

-Yeah.

-Pouty lips?!

0:23:250:23:27

Pouty lips, yes. There you are, look -

0:23:270:23:29

they have naturally pouty lips.

0:23:290:23:31

Every year the government of which country...

0:23:310:23:34

It's the only one in the world begins with O?

0:23:340:23:35

-Oman.

-Oman. ..runs a camel beauty contest.

0:23:350:23:39

So I've got the guidelines for a beautiful camel.

0:23:400:23:42

"Well-proportioned body and face."

0:23:420:23:44

-Essential.

-Essential.

0:23:440:23:45

"A long gharib."

0:23:450:23:47

Anybody know what the gharib is?

0:23:470:23:49

-Gharib.

-The penis.

0:23:490:23:50

Is it their neck thing?

0:23:530:23:54

It is the area between the hump and the neck, is the gharib.

0:23:540:23:57

-Oh, OK.

-"Long body, firm ears, pouty lips.

0:23:570:24:01

"Broad cheeks, big whiskers, a long, straight neck,

0:24:010:24:04

"long straight legs, and fur shimmer."

0:24:040:24:06

A shiny coat, I guess.

0:24:060:24:08

Yeah. And the most important thing is it's got to be large.

0:24:080:24:10

There are no hybrid breeds, no fur dying, colouring, tattooing,

0:24:100:24:13

that kind of thing. The natural look is what they want.

0:24:130:24:16

But there are other animal beauty contests,

0:24:160:24:18

and one of them is held here in the UK.

0:24:180:24:20

It's an annual tarantula beauty contest.

0:24:200:24:24

So we are going to have a look to see how beautiful tarantulas are.

0:24:240:24:27

Please welcome zoologist Mark Amey.

0:24:270:24:29

APPLAUSE

0:24:290:24:31

Thank you, Mark. Now, here is the thing,

0:24:360:24:38

is that we don't in any way want to upset the tarantulas, obviously.

0:24:380:24:42

-COLIN:

-Don't open the lid, don't open the lid. Don't open the lid.

0:24:420:24:45

So only one person is going to handle.

0:24:450:24:49

-This is Rosie the tarantula.

-Don't!

0:24:490:24:51

And Bill's volunteered, haven't you, Bill?

0:24:510:24:53

-Yes, I have.

-Ah, he's... Oh, yeah.

0:24:530:24:56

-And what is this one?

-That's a Mexican redknee tarantula.

0:24:560:25:00

-Right.

-And this one is a Chilean rose tarantula.

0:25:000:25:03

She is called Rosie, isn't she?

0:25:030:25:04

-Yeah.

-OK. How dangerous are they?

0:25:040:25:06

I mean, some people are afraid of them.

0:25:060:25:08

Their venom is very mild.

0:25:080:25:09

-Right.

-So it's equivalent to a...

0:25:090:25:11

COLIN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

0:25:110:25:12

-Completely natural.

-Venom is mild?

0:25:140:25:17

It's similar to bees' and wasps' stings.

0:25:170:25:19

So it's a neurotoxin, but it's a low-level neurotoxin.

0:25:190:25:21

-Oh, that's all right, then!

-But tell me about the...

0:25:210:25:24

Like a nettle sting that they can give off from their abdomen -

0:25:240:25:27

-is that right?

-Yeah, it's called urticating.

0:25:270:25:29

And those hairs are like little javelin spears

0:25:290:25:31

that go in an upward direction, and they're all barbed.

0:25:310:25:34

So when they hit something like eyes or skin, they stick in.

0:25:340:25:37

It comes from the Latin for nettle, so it feels like a nettle sting?

0:25:370:25:40

-Is that the sensation?

-Yeah, it does.

-Oh.

0:25:400:25:41

And do they mind being handled?

0:25:410:25:43

No, this one's quite used to it, and quite enjoys it.

0:25:430:25:45

Have you known Rosie from... I don't, from...?

0:25:450:25:47

I've had her for over 20 years, but that...

0:25:470:25:49

I don't know how long they'll live.

0:25:490:25:51

-She could live another 10, 20 years?

-Yeah.

-It's very sweet.

-But the boys,

0:25:510:25:54

the boys reach sexual maturity, and then what?

0:25:540:25:56

-Oh, then they're pretty doomed.

-Right.

0:25:560:25:57

They stop feeding, and their whole purpose in life

0:25:570:26:00

is to try and find females.

0:26:000:26:01

-Yes.

-And then they'll usually die of starvation.

0:26:010:26:03

If not,

0:26:030:26:05

the last female that they mate with generally kills him.

0:26:050:26:07

Well, I think they're both super. Thank you so much, Mark,

0:26:070:26:10

for bringing them in and thank you to Rosie.

0:26:100:26:12

-Thank you very much.

-APPLAUSE

0:26:120:26:15

Now, why would you keep your brother in a cage?

0:26:180:26:21

If he was a bit like my brother,

0:26:220:26:24

who used to like to pin me down and dribble into my mouth...

0:26:240:26:27

Oh, yeah.

0:26:270:26:28

-Oh!

-Eurgh.

-It's a funny relationship with brothers, isn't it?

0:26:280:26:31

So, my brother and I, we used to play this game at night.

0:26:310:26:34

We'd turn out the lights and roll up a pair of socks

0:26:340:26:37

and throw them, and if you hit each other, then you got a point.

0:26:370:26:39

And I always won. And that is because

0:26:390:26:41

he had a luminous dial on his watch.

0:26:410:26:43

And I never told him, right,

0:26:460:26:49

until his 50th birthday.

0:26:490:26:51

And he's STILL cross about it!

0:26:520:26:54

I had a big brother who used to bully me,

0:26:580:27:00

and I had a little brother as well.

0:27:000:27:02

And he was one day in the bathroom, and he was nude,

0:27:020:27:05

came out of the bathroom and just went, "I am a robot, I am a robot."

0:27:050:27:09

We thought that was pretty funny. And then he turned around,

0:27:090:27:12

and he had a battery sticking out of his bum.

0:27:120:27:14

Actually, we're going right back to Ottoman times.

0:27:160:27:19

So, as the Ottoman Empire expanded,

0:27:190:27:21

it was decreed that when a sultan ascended to the throne,

0:27:210:27:23

he should kill all his brothers,

0:27:230:27:25

to prevent sibling rivalry and that kind of thing.

0:27:250:27:27

And then this guy pitched up, Sultan Ahmed I.

0:27:270:27:30

1603, and he said, "I don't want to kill my brothers."

0:27:300:27:33

He's obviously a nice guy, so he made this very special pavilion

0:27:330:27:35

and it was called The Cage. And they were cut off from the world,

0:27:350:27:38

all his brothers, they were accompanied by eunuchs,

0:27:380:27:40

and concubines past child-bearing age,

0:27:400:27:42

so they couldn't have any progeny to mess up everything.

0:27:420:27:46

And they spent all their time doing macrame.

0:27:460:27:48

Ah, how lovely.

0:27:480:27:50

-I know.

-In the shape of a noose.

0:27:500:27:52

Yeah. And then if a sultan died without a son,

0:27:520:27:55

one of the brothers would be taken from the cage and made Sultan.

0:27:550:27:58

Right, so is this a way of protecting the line, the lineage?

0:27:580:28:01

-Yeah.

-Right.

-It is exactly that.

0:28:010:28:03

But the one who came from the cage,

0:28:030:28:04

that wasn't just whoever's the oldest, there was terrible fighting.

0:28:040:28:08

1622, Sultan Osman II died by...

0:28:080:28:11

"Compression of the testicles at the hands of an assassin,

0:28:110:28:16

-"Pehlivan the Oil Wrestler."

-Ah!

0:28:160:28:18

You can die from compression of the testicles?

0:28:210:28:23

-Yeah!

-Ooh...

-Oh, I don't know, embarrassment, maybe.

0:28:230:28:27

It would hurt a lot, I imagine you might black out.

0:28:270:28:29

-If that happens in the bathtub, you're a goner.

-Absolutely, yeah.

0:28:290:28:33

They had quite a lot of strange rules.

0:28:330:28:35

One of my favourites, if a grand Vizier of the Ottoman Empire was

0:28:350:28:38

sentenced to death, he could have the sentence commuted to banishment

0:28:380:28:41

if he beat the head gardener, who was also the chief executioner,

0:28:410:28:45

in a race around the royal palace.

0:28:450:28:47

So the Vizier would be summoned by the gardener,

0:28:470:28:50

and he would be handed a cup of sherbet.

0:28:500:28:52

If it was white, it was all fine, if it was red, it meant death.

0:28:520:28:55

And he had to run 300 yards from the palace to a place

0:28:550:28:58

called the Fish Market Gate,

0:28:580:28:59

and if he survived, then he could carry on living.

0:28:590:29:03

And this carried on quite well into the 19th century.

0:29:030:29:05

It's such an interesting period of history, the Ottoman Empire.

0:29:050:29:08

So 1517, they had one of their most famous victories,

0:29:080:29:11

over the Mamluks of Egypt.

0:29:110:29:13

And it's largely down to the fact

0:29:130:29:15

that the Mamluks considered guns beneath their dignity.

0:29:150:29:18

-Huh.

-They refused to use them, and that's how they were...

0:29:180:29:20

-Idiots!

-Yeah, exactly. Totally wiped out.

-Yeah.

0:29:200:29:24

When the Ottomans invaded Constantinople the previous century,

0:29:240:29:27

they had to get from here to here with their boats.

0:29:270:29:30

How did they do it?

0:29:300:29:32

Walking? Is it shallow?

0:29:320:29:33

Walking is in fact the correct answer.

0:29:330:29:35

So it was impossible to get into the Golden Horn

0:29:350:29:38

because there was a huge iron chain floating on logs

0:29:380:29:41

that had been installed across the entrance to defend it,

0:29:410:29:43

so they secretly built a road,

0:29:430:29:45

and they rolled the boats along on logs.

0:29:450:29:49

They had all previously hidden their guns there...

0:29:490:29:51

How do you secretly build a road?

0:29:510:29:54

And why can't construction workers do that now? They're so loud!

0:29:540:29:57

The very first railways,

0:29:580:29:59

or what we think of as railways,

0:29:590:30:01

were rather a similar system.

0:30:010:30:02

You used to move ships around in this way.

0:30:020:30:04

You can see here, it's a paved trackway near Corinth.

0:30:040:30:07

It's called the Diolkos,

0:30:070:30:09

and it allowed ships to be moved over the isthmus of Corinth,

0:30:090:30:11

and that's kind of considered to be the early railways,

0:30:110:30:14

but it's basically rolling ships on logs.

0:30:140:30:16

Or you could just cover the ground in olive oil and they'd just slide.

0:30:160:30:19

-Just slide along!

-Yeah!

0:30:190:30:21

Now, what can you tell about

0:30:210:30:22

somebody who wears socks with sandals?

0:30:220:30:24

They're English.

0:30:250:30:27

KLAXON BLARES

0:30:270:30:29

-They don't care any more.

-They've given up.

0:30:350:30:37

They've got at least three embarrassed children behind them,

0:30:370:30:40

like, "Dad, God, come on!"

0:30:400:30:42

They've gone for comfort over style.

0:30:420:30:44

Well, here's the curious thing.

0:30:440:30:46

Wearing socks with sandals actually once saved somebody's life.

0:30:460:30:49

There's a man called Hiroo Onoda,

0:30:490:30:51

and he was a Japanese army officer

0:30:510:30:52

who refused to believe that World War II had ended.

0:30:520:30:56

He was in the mountains of the Philippines,

0:30:560:30:58

and they dropped leaflets saying the war was over,

0:30:580:31:00

but he didn't believe it.

0:31:000:31:02

He was in hiding until 1974.

0:31:020:31:04

There was a man called Norio Suzuki.

0:31:040:31:06

He was the person who eventually found him.

0:31:060:31:09

There they are together,

0:31:090:31:10

and he was spared by Onoda because

0:31:100:31:13

he was wearing socks with his sandals.

0:31:130:31:16

And Onoda wrote, "I might have shot him,

0:31:160:31:18

"but he had on these thick woollen socks,

0:31:180:31:19

"even though he was wearing sandals."

0:31:190:31:21

The islanders would never do anything so incongruous,

0:31:210:31:24

so he thought he'd spare him from that.

0:31:240:31:26

I like Suzuki - he dropped out of college

0:31:260:31:29

and announced that he was going to look for the abominable snowman,

0:31:290:31:33

a panda bear,

0:31:330:31:34

and Hiroo Onoda.

0:31:340:31:36

And he died, in fact, in an avalanche in 1986,

0:31:360:31:38

whilst still searching for the abominable snowman.

0:31:380:31:41

-Should have ticked off the panda first, really.

-Oh, yeah!

0:31:410:31:44

But Onoda,

0:31:440:31:45

the gentleman who was conducting guerrilla warfare for 30 years,

0:31:450:31:47

he effectively got away with murder,

0:31:470:31:49

because he killed 30 people during his guerrilla campaign,

0:31:490:31:51

but he was pardoned because he thought he was at war,

0:31:510:31:54

so there would be no crime if he is at war.

0:31:540:31:56

And he's not the only Japanese holdout.

0:31:560:31:58

In 1972, there was another soldier found on the island of Guam,

0:31:580:32:01

also still under the impression that he was at war.

0:32:010:32:03

He got back to Japan and said,

0:32:030:32:05

"It is with much embarrassment I have returned."

0:32:050:32:07

And he was missing for 28 years, and got 300 back pay.

0:32:070:32:10

-He wasn't wearing sandals?

-No.

0:32:120:32:14

-I mean, it is quite a Japanese thing wearing socks and sandals.

-It is.

0:32:140:32:18

They wear these socks which are called tabi, which stop chafing.

0:32:180:32:20

It's a thing.

0:32:200:32:22

If you see someone wearing socks and sandals,

0:32:220:32:24

they are probably either an Englishman abroad,

0:32:240:32:26

or a Japanese officer still fighting World War II.

0:32:260:32:28

Now we arrive at the slippery individual

0:32:290:32:31

that we call General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:32:310:32:34

Where are most of the world's obelisks?

0:32:350:32:39

# Go home... #

0:32:390:32:41

-Alan?

-London.

0:32:410:32:43

-No.

-Oh, come on, we've got one.

0:32:430:32:45

We've got one!

0:32:460:32:48

# Down under... #

0:32:480:32:49

-Tasmania.

-I want that to be true.

0:32:490:32:52

But no, they are in Rome.

0:32:520:32:53

There are twice as many obelisks in Rome as there are in Egypt.

0:32:530:32:58

So 13 in Rome, six in Egypt.

0:32:580:32:59

They were nicked by... Well, five of the ones in Rome are home-grown,

0:32:590:33:03

but the rest were taken from Egypt.

0:33:030:33:04

The Egyptians called them tekhenu.

0:33:040:33:07

We call them obelisks because Herodotus, the Greek traveller,

0:33:070:33:09

was the first one to write about them, so we get the Greek name.

0:33:090:33:12

So you said Britain has one.

0:33:120:33:13

-What is the name of the one that we have?

-I don't know.

0:33:130:33:16

-There it is.

-It's Cleopatra's Needle, right?

0:33:160:33:19

Yes! The American gets the point!

0:33:190:33:21

APPLAUSE

0:33:210:33:23

Of course, as soon as you say it, of course!

0:33:250:33:28

Yes!

0:33:280:33:29

It's 3,000 years old, I do know that.

0:33:290:33:31

Well, do you know that it nearly didn't get here?

0:33:310:33:33

It was given to the UK in 1819 by the then ruler of Egypt,

0:33:330:33:35

-Muhammad Ali, who went on to have a very fine boxing career...

-Yeah!

0:33:350:33:40

..to commemorate Lord Nelson's victory at the Battle of the Nile.

0:33:400:33:43

The British government thought it marvellous,

0:33:430:33:45

but didn't want to transport it because it cost a fortune

0:33:450:33:47

to bring such a big piece of stone over

0:33:470:33:49

and eventually there was a purpose-built iron cylinder made -

0:33:490:33:52

there it is - and it was towed towards Britain by a ship

0:33:520:33:54

called the Olga, and then the Olga unfortunately was wrecked,

0:33:540:33:57

and the obelisk was lost at sea,

0:33:570:33:58

it was bobbing up and down for five days,

0:33:580:34:00

and a passing ship thought, "I wonder what that is."

0:34:000:34:03

And grabbed it on a rope,

0:34:040:34:06

and towed it back, and that is how it eventually ended up in Britain.

0:34:060:34:09

-Now, what's it outside Mongolia?

-A lot of things...

0:34:090:34:13

-Outer Mongolia?

-KLAXON BLARES

0:34:130:34:16

It's just like you're walking into a spider web.

0:34:190:34:21

I know! Come into my trap, my pretties!

0:34:210:34:23

-No, doesn't exist, Outer Mongolia.

-What?

-I know!

0:34:250:34:28

-It's in Tintin!

-No, see...

0:34:280:34:30

When it did exist, it was inside the modern country of Mongolia,

0:34:340:34:36

so it did exist, 1644 to 1911,

0:34:360:34:40

but it was a semi-independent territory of China's Qing Dynasty.

0:34:400:34:44

So "outer" just differentiated it from inner,

0:34:440:34:46

which was under more direct Chinese rule.

0:34:460:34:48

And then it declared independence in 1912,

0:34:480:34:51

and finally became Mongolia again in 1992,

0:34:510:34:53

but the very first person to use the phrase Outer Mongolia

0:34:530:34:55

to mean a place in the middle of nowhere was the American explorer,

0:34:550:34:58

the director of the American Museum of Natural History,

0:34:580:35:01

Roy Chapman Andrews,

0:35:010:35:03

and he is thought to have been the person on whom

0:35:030:35:05

Indiana Jones was modelled.

0:35:050:35:07

Yeah, and it was an expedition to Komodo

0:35:070:35:10

by the American Natural History Museum,

0:35:100:35:12

that eventually led to King Kong.

0:35:120:35:14

Yeah. Because they went to Komodo Island

0:35:140:35:15

and found these extraordinary things, the Komodo dragons,

0:35:150:35:18

and they brought one back to America...

0:35:180:35:21

And it was a huge sensation,

0:35:210:35:23

but the idea of a creature that was terrorising the locals

0:35:230:35:27

then became, you know, the giant ape,

0:35:270:35:31

so that was the origin of the King Kong story.

0:35:310:35:33

-You should have some points for that, I think.

-Yeah. Yeah.

0:35:330:35:36

Anyway, Outer Mongolia is now in Mongolia,

0:35:360:35:39

while Inner Mongolia is, and always has been,

0:35:390:35:42

out of Mongolia.

0:35:420:35:43

That's cleared that up.

0:35:430:35:44

Name an endangered mammal that eats bamboo.

0:35:440:35:48

-Panda!

-Panda.

0:35:490:35:51

-KLAXON BLARES

-Panda!

-He-e-ey!

0:35:510:35:54

-DESIREE:

-Glad you said it! Yeah.

-Not so, why?

0:35:540:35:57

-Bill, any ideas?

-Well, they're not that endangered.

0:35:570:36:00

-They're no longer endangered.

-No.

-Oh, they're all over the place.

0:36:000:36:03

-They're vulnerable.

-You can't go in any shopping centre in London

0:36:030:36:06

without them taking up all the seats.

0:36:060:36:08

-Yeah.

-Elephants eat bamboo - is there a right answer?

0:36:080:36:11

There is, but it isn't panda,

0:36:110:36:13

because they are no longer designated as endangered.

0:36:130:36:15

-Tree sloths.

-It's a golden bamboo...

0:36:150:36:17

-..Eater.

-Lemur.

0:36:180:36:20

-There, look, how cute is that?

-Look at his little face!

0:36:200:36:23

Look, cute!

0:36:230:36:24

Bird of prey!

0:36:240:36:25

-Argh!

-HE SCREECHES

0:36:250:36:28

"There's only the two of us left now!

0:36:290:36:32

"Phone the World Wildlife Fund."

0:36:320:36:34

"Stop eating the bamboo! That's why they're upset!"

0:36:340:36:37

"We're making the same mistakes again and again and again!

0:36:440:36:48

"We need to adapt to new habitats!"

0:36:480:36:50

"Shut up, I'm eating all the bamboo before the bird comes back."

0:36:500:36:53

I love bamboo. I bloody love it!

0:36:550:36:56

You can do so much with it.

0:36:570:36:59

You can grill it, you can fry it. You can chop it up and it's good.

0:36:590:37:02

You can make scaffolding out of it, for building a lemur house.

0:37:020:37:06

It's a very flexible plant - everyone knows that!

0:37:060:37:08

You can make a xylophone out of it, for God's sake!

0:37:080:37:10

There's loads of it - why are we dying out?!

0:37:100:37:12

-We should be thriving.

-We're not having enough sex.

-No.

0:37:130:37:17

It doesn't really look like bamboo.

0:37:180:37:20

It looks like he's crimping the end of a joint.

0:37:200:37:22

"Yeah, let's crimp it, here we are, that's that.

0:37:260:37:28

"Right, OK, come on, everyone."

0:37:280:37:30

The Camberwell Carrot.

0:37:310:37:33

Yeah!

0:37:330:37:34

That's why they're dying out - they're just not doing anything.

0:37:340:37:37

Best job ever, I think, in 2014,

0:37:380:37:41

China's Giant Panda Protection and Research Centre

0:37:410:37:43

started recruiting panda nannies.

0:37:430:37:45

-Awww!

-Oh, my.

0:37:450:37:48

-Oh, my gosh.

-You get paid the equivalent of £28,000 a year.

0:37:480:37:51

You get free meals, travel, accommodation.

0:37:510:37:53

And you get to hug pandas all day.

0:37:530:37:56

What are any of us doing with our lives?

0:37:560:37:58

Some basic knowledge of pandas is required,

0:37:590:38:02

as well as the ability to take pictures.

0:38:020:38:04

The work has only one mission,

0:38:040:38:05

spending 365 days with the pandas,

0:38:050:38:08

and sharing in their joys and sorrows.

0:38:080:38:10

Aw. I don't think they have any joy or sorrow though, do they?

0:38:100:38:13

-Yeah, what are panda sorrows?

-They're just pandas, aren't they?

0:38:130:38:16

I like the little one in the middle.

0:38:170:38:19

"I may be small, but I'll take any of you.

0:38:190:38:21

"I can take on any of you."

0:38:210:38:23

-He's a tough one.

-They're about to drop that one.

0:38:230:38:25

And ready... Go!

0:38:250:38:27

Argh!

0:38:290:38:31

It would just be the softest crash in the world, though.

0:38:310:38:33

This one, this is my favourite.

0:38:330:38:34

Yeah, this one. That's the best.

0:38:340:38:36

"Show business!"

0:38:360:38:37

# There's no business like... #

0:38:380:38:40

A panda with jazz hands - you don't see that very often, do you?

0:38:410:38:44

Now, how many hills was Rome built on?

0:38:440:38:48

-Seven.

-Seven!

0:38:480:38:50

KLAXON BLARES

0:38:500:38:52

Six? Six? Five?

0:38:540:38:56

-Five?

-Four? Three?

-Eight?

-Seven and a half.

0:38:560:38:58

-Eight.

-Eight!

-Oh, no, you've done it again!

0:38:580:39:00

COLIN SINGS HAPPILY

0:39:010:39:03

It's always been known as seven, but it seems to be a misunderstanding.

0:39:030:39:06

They used to have a big festival called the Septimontium,

0:39:060:39:08

which means "seven hills" - they celebrated the whole thing.

0:39:080:39:11

But, actually, when you look at the ancient list of the hills involved

0:39:110:39:14

that they are celebrating, there are eight.

0:39:140:39:16

And Mary Beard, who's a wonderful classicist,

0:39:170:39:20

says, "Something has got confused there somewhere along the line."

0:39:200:39:23

There's about 75 cities in the world

0:39:230:39:25

that claim to have been built on seven hills.

0:39:250:39:27

There are two Romes, two Athens.

0:39:270:39:29

There's a Seven Hills in Ohio, which is rather aptly named.

0:39:290:39:32

About a quarter of Europe's capital cities claim to be.

0:39:320:39:34

Bath, where I grew up, that's supposed to be based on Rome.

0:39:340:39:37

-Right.

-Cos of seven hills, but, you know. I don't know.

0:39:370:39:40

Lisbon's very hilly.

0:39:400:39:41

What's that?

0:39:410:39:42

They have a funicular railway.

0:39:440:39:46

It's like the worst TripAdvisor review.

0:39:460:39:48

No, no, on the contrary, it's a very good tip about Lisbon.

0:39:480:39:52

It's very hilly -

0:39:520:39:54

it's what you need to know more than anything else.

0:39:540:39:56

"They said it was hilly on TripAdvisor."

0:39:560:39:58

You need to be warned about it - you're absolutely right.

0:40:000:40:02

-Edinburgh's hilly.

-Yeah.

0:40:020:40:05

OK, let's stop doing places that are hilly.

0:40:050:40:07

-Dublin's not very hilly.

-No. OK, moving on from hilly.

0:40:080:40:11

Holland!

0:40:110:40:12

Holland's completely flat, no hills at all.

0:40:120:40:14

Amsterdam, no, barely an incline.

0:40:140:40:16

Nothing at all. No, there's no crime in Holland or Belgium.

0:40:160:40:19

-You can see people coming from miles off.

-Because you can see everyone!

0:40:190:40:22

Denmark is very, very flat, and the area that I come from,

0:40:230:40:26

there's a tiny little hill, just one,

0:40:260:40:28

-and we call it Little Switzerland.

-Oh!

0:40:280:40:31

Prague's quite hilly.

0:40:310:40:33

Wales.

0:40:340:40:35

Scotland. That's really hilly!

0:40:350:40:37

Cardiff isn't, though, really.

0:40:370:40:38

Do you know, I can imagine you in a home, somehow.

0:40:380:40:40

APPLAUSE

0:40:430:40:46

Will you come and see me?

0:40:460:40:48

Yeah... No.

0:40:480:40:49

I'll bring you some mashed banana.

0:40:500:40:52

Argentina - that's really hilly.

0:40:520:40:54

Shut up!

0:40:540:40:55

I'll be in the next bed.

0:40:570:40:59

"What was that, Alan?"

0:40:590:41:01

Vancouver, but it's not a capital, doesn't count.

0:41:020:41:04

Yeah.

0:41:040:41:06

-Fiji - is that hilly?

-Shut up!

0:41:060:41:07

Do you think this is sharp enough to kill somebody?

0:41:090:41:11

Yeah, if you have enough intention behind it.

0:41:110:41:14

-Yeah.

-Oslo.

0:41:140:41:16

-Oslo's hilly.

-That's true.

0:41:170:41:18

They've got a funicular railway, and don't deny it!

0:41:180:41:21

That's right.

0:41:230:41:25

OK!

0:41:250:41:26

On the subject of Rome...

0:41:280:41:29

Yes.

0:41:290:41:31

THAT is hilly - it's famous for it.

0:41:310:41:33

They thought it was seven, but it turns out it's eight.

0:41:350:41:37

Eight, we know that.

0:41:370:41:38

-COLIN:

-Does this qualify as entertainment?

-No!

0:41:380:41:41

The seven hills...

0:41:410:41:42

The seven hills of Rome are actually eight.

0:41:420:41:45

There are many other places in the world that are also hilly,

0:41:450:41:47

and I can't be arsed to tell you about them.

0:41:470:41:50

When I am in the company of men in a group like this,

0:41:510:41:53

I feel happy about my life choices. And so...

0:41:530:41:56

APPLAUSE

0:41:570:42:00

And so, our international odyssey is over,

0:42:050:42:08

and it's time to work out what it's cost us.

0:42:080:42:10

Let's have a look at the scores.

0:42:100:42:12

In last place, we have, with...

0:42:120:42:14

Ah, this is magnificent. Minus 57, it's Alan.

0:42:140:42:18

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:180:42:20

A very creditable minus 3, Bill.

0:42:220:42:24

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:240:42:27

And considering it was her very first show,

0:42:270:42:30

she got a full 3 points, Desiree.

0:42:300:42:32

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:320:42:35

Colin, 16 points, you are the winner.

0:42:360:42:40

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:400:42:42

# Australians all let us rejoice

0:42:480:42:52

# For we are young and free... #

0:42:520:42:55

-No, you're not...

-Colin...

0:42:550:42:58

# Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours... #

0:42:580:43:03

And the suburb where they make Neighbours is quite hilly.

0:43:030:43:06

Quite hilly.

0:43:100:43:11

The winner takes home this week's Objectionable Object,

0:43:110:43:14

and it is this lovely souvenir spider.

0:43:140:43:17

Awwww!

0:43:170:43:18

-There you go.

-Aww, no!

-There you go.

-Oh...

0:43:180:43:20

Ow!

0:43:230:43:24

It only remains for me to thank Desiree, Bill, Colin and Alan.

0:43:240:43:28

And to end this Overseas show,

0:43:280:43:30

I leave you with this story about travel.

0:43:300:43:32

Muhammad Ali was on a flight,

0:43:320:43:34

when a hostess asked him to put on his seat belt.

0:43:340:43:37

"Superman don't need no seatbelt," said Ali.

0:43:370:43:39

To which she replied, "Superman don't need no plane."

0:43:390:43:42

Thank you, goodnight.

0:43:420:43:44

Sandi Toksvig ventures overseas to find out about Allotment Annies, who keeps their brothers in a cage, and much else besides.

With Bill Bailey, Colin Lane, Desiree Burch and Alan Davies.


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