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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Well, hello.

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Hello, hello, hello and welcome to QI

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for a bracing dose of health and safety gone mad.

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Tonight's community safety officers are the health conscious David Mitchell.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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The heavily insured Ross Noble.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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The discreetly dangerous Jeremy Clarkson.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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And an accident waiting to happen - Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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WHISTLING

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So at a signal from me, activate your hazard warning indicators, please, gentlemen.

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Ross goes...

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-SUBMARINE ALARM

-'Dive! Dive! Dive!'

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David goes...

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'Stand clear of the doors, please.'

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Jeremy goes...

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'Vehicle reversing, vehicle reversing.'

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And Alan goes...

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'Don't touch the button!'

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Now, to demonstrate our sincere commitment to health and safety,

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we've made you all fill in some forms earlier,

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which I hope you've all done.

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-Why is there a picture of Richard Whiteley?

-Because...

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-You can take your hat off, if you like.

-Thanks. Because my hair would be ruined.

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Yes. We can't have that. You all took the...

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Fly away hair?

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You all took the Whiteley test, which is a test for hypochondriasis,

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to test whether or not you are hypochondriacs.

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-The test was a stupid test, though.

-Tests are, as a rule.

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-What was stupid about it?

-Every question, you had to answer 1 to 5.

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1 meant not at all, 2 meant a little bit,

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-3 moderately, 4 quite a lot, 5 loads and loads.

-Yeah.

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And then one of the questions was,

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"Do you worry about your health a lot?"

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How can you answer, "I moderately worry about my health a lot"?

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"I worry about my health a lot a little bit"?

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"I worry about my health a lot a lot."

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-The answers didn't go with the questions.

-They didn't think it through, did they?

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How long did they spend on it? Three minutes?

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It was four, they're idiots.

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-OK. Here we are. Ross...

-Yes.

-..you scored 20.

-Right.

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-And any score between 14 and 28 is not a hypochondriac.

-Right.

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My tendency with those things

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-is to put the thing, basically, all the way through the middle.

-Yes.

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"Do you want to kill children?" Moderately.

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I don't want to be too much either way.

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This test is all about

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-how much are you worried about your health...

-Yes.

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..but the results are meaningless unless we also have medicals.

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It may be that Ross is at death's door,

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in which case he's an idiot for being so laid back.

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-That's true.

-Or maybe one of us who's obsessed with our health

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is also at death's door, in which case that's a very sane response.

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Once again, your relentless, urgent and slightly worried logic

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is making this a nonsense.

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-Ruining the programme again.

-No, it's not, it's spot on.

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-But...

-I didn't read the questions.

-Didn't you?

-No.

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You always put 5. That's the point of those things.

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I'm either absolutely terrified of it or not bothered at all.

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This explains why Alan is a mild hypochondriac,

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Ross is not a hypochondriac, David is a borderline hypochondriac

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-and you are dangerously a hypochondriac.

-That's it.

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Actually, I am. I didn't know it was about hypochondria because I didn't read the questions.

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But I am. I've got every single disease there is, really every one.

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-Are you telling me you've got elephantitis?

-Yes.

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I've got a twisted testicle, a hideous skin disease, two slipped discs

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-a very dodgy elbow...

-# And a partridge in a pear tree. #

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I've got every conceivable disease there is.

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I went outside for a cigarette before the show

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and I thought, "For once, I'm not going to get lung cancer because I'm wearing this."

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You know who I feel sorry for the most is construction-working goths.

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-Oh!

-Cos they love a black outfit. That's what they have to wear.

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But they've got to earn a living and this goes against everything they stand for.

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-It's not fair.

-These are reflective. They could have just the reflectors.

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Ah. Would you want a reflective goth?

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I would. I'd like one in my house.

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Bring out the reflective goth.

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Emos are quite dark as well, aren't they?

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Yeah but they're not the full goth.

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I'd love to see an act called Rod Hull and Emo.

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"Are you going to attack someone?" "No. I'll just be in my room."

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What is hypochondria?

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It's people not expecting to have aches and pains

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and thinking therefore it's very serious.

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A hypochondriac is someone who, if they have a headache, thinks it's a tumour.

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It's an aneurysm. I had one about an hour ago.

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-A brain tumour?

-An aneurysm.

-An aneurysm.

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I could feel the artery going... right in the middle. Agony.

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And did it go right down into your testicles?

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It's entirely... That's a different... Anyway.

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I definitely had one earlier.

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Most people have headaches, I have savage pains like lightning bolts.

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Most people have headaches but your headaches are in your head.

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They're 5.

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People moan about their sore knees.

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It's not the same as when it's my knee.

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And with this test, what does it mean

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if you write the answers in your own blood?

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-That would mess with their heads, wouldn't it?

-It would.

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-Not as bad as if you write it in somebody else's blood.

-You're right.

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Now, how would you use one of these to save someone from drowning?

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I've got one here. I'm going to have to put gloves on because I'm not allowed to touch it.

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It's from the Wellcome Collection,

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one of the best medical collections in the world.

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He could save himself by, for example, swimming.

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-Yeah.

-Rather than going, "Huhhhh!"

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Imagine somebody had landed up on a beach, almost dead from drowning,

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-and I had one of these.

-Is it a bellows?

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It is a bellows. It's a set of bellows.

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-You just pump air into his lungs.

-You'd think that but no.

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-Are we saving him from drowning...?

-Alan, repeat what you said.

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-Up his bum.

-Yes. It's up the bottom but it isn't air.

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-There's more to it than that.

-Is it spit?

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-No.

-Brandy!

-You unscrew that and you put tobacco in...

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-Are you ordering?

-Tobacco?

-Tobacco. And you light it. It's smoke.

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-Up the bottom?

-Yes.

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There's several flaws with your argument.

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Chief among which, if you're drowning, you're in water,

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which is going to put it out.

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Secondly, who's got time to fill that with tobacco and light it?

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-And thirdly, it's rubbish.

-Yeah. These are all strong arguments.

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It's basically if you're trying to resuscitate someone

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and it's not like someone once wrote it might be a good idea,

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this was general mainstream medical belief

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and these were hung up all along the Thames

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on the embankment and on canals and waterways

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and people were expected to know, as you might be expected to know where a fire extinguisher is,

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where the bellows were.

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And you fill that with tobacco and presumably you puff it like a pipe

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having washed it from its previous use,

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and then, "Fu-cha, fu-cha," like that.

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-So it would be next to the life ring thing?

-Yes.

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-So you throw the ring and drag them in...

-It seems bonkers.

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What happened in the 17th... There's an example.

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There you are.

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This was before this was invented and you needed someone with a pipe...

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"Blow, man, for God's sake!"

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"Is it sucking or blowing? I can't remember."

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"I think it's blowing." "I don't know."

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"Be sure, man, he's drowning." "I'll suck first."

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So is it just the shock of the sensation of having smoke blown up your arse

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that makes you splutter back into life?

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Who knows. Apparently, in the 18th century, in the late 1700s,

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a woman was found drowning and almost dead

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and people tried the normal things

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and someone suggested blowing smoke up her arse.

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There was a point where they went, "Kiss of life?" "Just wait a second."

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-Exactly.

-"Hand me that pipe."

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So what it is, clearly, is someone managed to get better from drowning

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at a moment coincident with someone having smoke blown up their arse

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and then for years, poor other people,

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on top the indignity of nearly drowning, have had to face that.

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It could have been worse. It could have coincided with having his eyes gouged out by crows.

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-That's true.

-"Go on, gouge his eyes out with crows!"

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It would be a beautiful sight, though.

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We've blown the smoke up there and the person splutters back to life

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and takes off with the smoke coming out the back.

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Look at the speed they're going at!

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-The bloke on left looks like he's going to rob his trousers.

-He does.

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There's always a villain in 18th century London.

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He's generating the smoke.

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They didn't have an all-in-one device like this,

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-so the one on the right has the pipe.

-Christ.

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So he has to French-kiss the one...

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This has nothing to do with saving a drowning man.

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-It isn't.

-Perversions of Old London.

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-We've got another picture, as well.

-Oh, excellent.

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We did have... There you are.

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He's not drowning. He's just in the pub. He's just in the pub.

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It's that scene from Pulp Fiction, with...

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This is actually... This is bad

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because people can say at almost any point, "I think I might be drowning,"

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if they fancy this sort of thing.

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As if that isn't bad enough and that doesn't look wrong enough,

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the bloke in the background went,

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"I think I'll get me donkey in on this."

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It's like...

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"Oh, when you said, 'Blow smoke up my ass,' I thought..."

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APPLAUSE Maybe. I don't know.

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Oh, dear.

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I know. What a strange world we lived in

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but that was mainstream medical science.

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Oh, God. That's got stuck in me throat, that.

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-The bellows!

-No, you don't!

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Yes, it used to be thought that the best way to revive a drowning man

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was by pumping tobacco smoke up his backside.

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Speaking of life-saving devices, I have some here

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and I'd like you to tell me what you think they're for.

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These are the real thing.

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And they are there to save lives.

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How would that save your life? Can you see?

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You've got to look at your neighbour to see what you look like

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and see if you can work out how this could be of any use.

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-Is it for doing complicated experiments?

-Not really.

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It's if you're dealing with some animal that doesn't like being looked at in the eye.

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Oh, Alan, you are on sparkling form. You're absolutely right.

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-What sort of animal?

-A bear?

-Not a bear, actually, in this case.

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-Some dogs don't like it.

-Plenty of animals don't.

-Ants hate it.

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Ants? Not so much ants, to be honest, David.

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-Bears don't like it.

-It's great that you're trying.

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-But not ants.

-A tiger or a lion or a cat?

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-It's a big primate.

-Ooh, gorilla.

-It's a bear!

-No, a big primate. It's a gorilla.

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-You'll see it has written on the side of it there...

-Gorilla.

-..in Dutch

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-HE SPEAKS DUTCH

-But just a moment...

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And then it says "Bokito kijker",

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which means, "Bokito viewer" - kijker is to look.

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The trouble with these is is it does look a bit like you're going...

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-and then...

-But gorillas like that.

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-But...

-They like that. What they don't like is a long, loving look.

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In Rotterdam zoo there was a gorilla called Bokito

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and a woman thought she was bonding with him

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and she would sit and smile and gaze lovingly into his big brown eyes

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and that is the worst thing you can do to a silverback, a dominant male.

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And one day he just grabbed her. He leapt over. He bit her 100 times

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and he broke many of her bones and she was very nearly killed by him.

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And she was revived by smoke being blown up her arse.

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Fortunately, being Dutch...

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I'd like to have a pair in case I get pulled over for speeding.

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"Do you know why you're being pulled over?" "I have no idea."

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"Where are you? Where have you gone?

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"You big gorilla, you."

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We went to the zoo and my mate, he's an odd bloke anyway.

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We were in the monkey enclosure and he was staring at a monkey

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for ages.

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The monkey stared back at him and went like this.

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-Hello!

-Yeah.

-And what did that mean, do we think?

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Well, they're married now, so...

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-Yeah.

-If you're feeling a bit sad, can you put them on upside down?

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-Oh.

-I suppose you could, yes.

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So this woman thought she was getting on well with this gorilla

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-and the gorilla was thinking, "I hate that."

-Yes.

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"I'm going to do something, at some point, I'm going to crack."

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But did they check that it wasn't just an incredibly annoying woman?

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-They didn't put the gorilla down?

-He was tranquillised.

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After attacking her, he went into a cafe and caused a bit of a sensation,

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as you can imagine.

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"Cappuccino. Don't look at me!"

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-To be perfectly honest...

-"Here he comes. What would you like, sir?"

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"A cappuccino and a packet of biscuits? We'll bring it over.

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"No, it's on the house."

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"I'm sorry that the cappuccino isn't actually in the cup

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"but I'm not looking properly."

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That would be a nightmare. If you had those on

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-and the cappuccinos were there...

-Yes.

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..or the cappuccinos were there

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and the gorilla goes, "Why are you looking at cappuccinos there?"

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The gorilla would think you were giving him the shoddy one.

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-It's just a nightmare.

-Would dark glasses not do?

-They would.

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To be honest, this was more or less a publicity gimmick

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by a health insurance company

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but it emphasised the fact, also, and they gave them out at the zoo,

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don't look directly into the eyes of Bokito the gorilla.

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The other option is, you don't have to wear these,

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you could just hide under a picnic table and you'll be fine.

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-I would say so.

-Why are they hiding under...?

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Because there's a bloody big gorilla.

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The fact is, if you don't want to be beaten up by a gorilla,

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arm yourself with anti-gorilla spectacles and you should be fine.

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Your safety is always our priority.

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Now it's time for a round of "You're the health and safety officer."

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What equipment do children need to play conkers?

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-Don't say it.

-They're not allowed to, are they?

-If...

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-We haven't heard that noise.

-No? Goggles, are you saying?

-Yeah.

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ALARMS GO OFF Ah, you see that's...

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I'm afraid, much as we may deprecate the health and safety culture

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of our country,

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that whole thing was absolute nonsense.

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-It was a school near Carlisle...

-I was going to say Cumbria.

-Right.

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And the headmaster didn't like health and safety

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and to make a joke of it,

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he issued his schoolchildren with these goggles

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and said, "The way it's going, this is how you have to play."

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And all the papers, of course...

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Why, if we're dismissing the notion that schools are pro massive injuries,

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-did they close when it was a bit snowy and icy?

-I don't know.

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I'm not saying there isn't a health and safety culture,

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merely that the conkers one was all made up.

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The best thing to do and I do this every time I go to the supermarket.

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You see these yellow things here, wet floor,

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I like to walk along there and then just fall

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so your bum hits the top of it and it goes "Bang!" like that.

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And you lie there going, "Oh, my God," and people are going, "Are you all right?"

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And you go, "Some idiot's left this thing here."

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It just freaks them out and they just can't handle it

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and they're, "Aaarrghhh!"

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There should be a "Warning - wet floor sign" sign, shouldn't there?

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Yeah, getting progressively... Starting small and building up

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to the actual one itself.

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OK, good. All you need to play conkers are conkers and string.

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Now, speaking as a health and safety officer,

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why would I stick my finger up your bottom...

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if you couldn't name seven bald men, apart from Yul Brynner?

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That is one of the oddest questions I've ever asked anyone.

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-I can name seven bald men, easily.

-You can?

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-Well, then I won't have to put my finger up your bottom.

-Ross Kemp. Kojak.

-Telly Savalas.

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-You can't mention him, though.

-Er...

-Does Kojak and Telly Savalas count as two?

-Blofeld.

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-Blofeld.

-That's three and I'm struggling to name any more.

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-I may have to put my finger up your bottom.

-Duncan Goodhew.

-Duncan Goodhew.

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-Famously bald.

-Matt Lucas.

-Matt Lucas is pretty bald.

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We're terrified! We've got to get to seven.

0:17:370:17:40

-I'm not going to put my finger up any of your bottoms.

-And don't blow smoke up my arse.

0:17:410:17:46

-That guy over there.

-You haven't named him, have you?

0:17:460:17:48

-Is this...?

-Willy Thorne!

0:17:480:17:51

Sorry. Sorry.

0:17:510:17:53

You know you're supposed to put your finger up a dog's bum if it's biting you?

0:17:530:17:58

I didn't know that. I didn't know that.

0:17:580:18:02

Yeah, bull terriers, dogs like that, because their jaws lock

0:18:020:18:05

and the only way you can make them release it, finger up the bum.

0:18:050:18:08

-OK.

-Oh, no. You can use a stick or other implement.

0:18:080:18:12

The dog doesn't go, "Is that a pen? I'm not releasing him."

0:18:120:18:17

APPLAUSE Thank you, Ross.

0:18:200:18:22

I think it would show considerable sang-froid

0:18:230:18:26

to take out a pen while a dog is clamped to your arm.

0:18:260:18:31

"I will... No, no, not the fountain pen, just a Bic."

0:18:310:18:35

But to be fair, to be fair,

0:18:370:18:39

the dog in my scenario is also a talking dog,

0:18:390:18:43

so you can go, "Have you been on your holidays?"

0:18:430:18:46

"Well, the thing is... Oh! I let go!"

0:18:460:18:48

Tell it a joke. It'll go, "Ha, ha, ha!"

0:18:480:18:52

OK, good, that's nice but...

0:18:520:18:55

-coming back to...

-Coming back to your question.

0:18:550:18:59

I supposing you had this problem that I wanted to cure,

0:18:590:19:02

one of the ways to cure it might be to get you name seven bald men.

0:19:020:19:05

Another way might be to drink water while a friend plugs your ears.

0:19:050:19:09

-Hiccups!

-Hiccups.

0:19:090:19:11

There are many supposed cures for hiccups.

0:19:110:19:13

Thinking of bald people does something to your brain that apparently can help you.

0:19:130:19:18

But there is only one absolutely sure-fire medical way

0:19:180:19:21

of stopping hiccups and that is...

0:19:210:19:23

-Death.

-..digital rectal massage,

0:19:230:19:28

-putting a finger up a bottom and having a wiggle.

-Digital...

0:19:280:19:31

I never knew that the bottom was a passage to so many cures.

0:19:310:19:35

It's what I'm here to tell you, Jeremy.

0:19:350:19:38

I thought it was just a means of expelling excrement but no.

0:19:380:19:41

When you say digital rectal massage,

0:19:410:19:44

was there a point where it changed from analogue rectal massage?

0:19:440:19:48

APPLAUSE

0:19:500:19:52

I think I remember because...

0:19:520:19:54

I think there was a big campaign on the TV at the time

0:19:540:19:57

-and they would go...

-People were going, "Oh, no, it's not a very good signal."

0:19:570:20:01

"I'll go up on the roof and adjust the aerial."

0:20:010:20:04

-I tell you what...

-"Hurry up."

0:20:040:20:07

I tell you what, I can't wait till 2012.

0:20:070:20:10

It's somehow colder, the digital. It's not as warm as the analogue.

0:20:100:20:14

-But it's a lot more vivid.

-It is.

0:20:140:20:16

Spell hiccup.

0:20:170:20:18

H-IC-C-O-U-G-H.

0:20:180:20:20

-Why is it pronounced...?

-Oh! ALARM GOES OFF

0:20:200:20:23

It's considered an error. It's considered an error.

0:20:240:20:27

-It's always written like that in the paper.

-It shouldn't be.

0:20:270:20:30

-Every newspaper has a house style.

-True.

0:20:300:20:33

A lot of people do spell it like that

0:20:330:20:36

but it's an erroneous back formation

0:20:360:20:39

because it was considered something to do with a cough but it's not.

0:20:390:20:42

The Old English was always hiccup spelt in different ways

0:20:420:20:45

with Ys and CKs and "hiccop" and various things.

0:20:450:20:48

Anyway, digital rectal massage is the only proven cure for chronic hiccups,

0:20:480:20:53

although there are plenty of folk remedies if you don't have any rubber gloves handy.

0:20:530:20:58

Now, what about the Working At Height Directive?

0:20:580:21:01

What should somebody having an out of body experience look out for

0:21:010:21:05

as they near the ceiling?

0:21:050:21:07

Spinning fans. Ceiling fans, is it?

0:21:070:21:09

Well, yes, but presumably their spirit can go through the fan.

0:21:100:21:14

They should look out for a couple of undertakers coming in

0:21:140:21:17

-and taking their body away.

-That's the kind of thing.

0:21:170:21:20

-Is this something to do with health and safety?

-Not really.

0:21:200:21:24

It's to do with the nature of the out of body experience.

0:21:240:21:27

A doctor at the University of Southampton has undertaken a three-year test in 25 hospitals

0:21:270:21:31

to see if it really is possible.

0:21:310:21:33

And the way he's done it is on top of cupboards and shelves

0:21:330:21:38

he's put randomly generated pictures,

0:21:380:21:41

so that if someone genuinely had risen up above that level

0:21:410:21:46

and looked down and then survived,

0:21:460:21:48

they're asked to fill in a form and say what they'd seen.

0:21:480:21:52

I think they'd be more focused on their own chances of life and death than something on top of a cupboard.

0:21:520:21:57

But that isn't the history of what people say.

0:21:570:22:00

The anecdotal evidence is that they look down and describe what they've seen.

0:22:000:22:04

It's a long shot, let's be honest, but it's a genuine experiment.

0:22:040:22:08

They should put like a £20 note up here

0:22:080:22:10

and then when they go, "Oh, thank God I'm alive,"

0:22:100:22:13

and they're just looking slyly.

0:22:130:22:15

"I'll just wait till the doctors leave. I'll be cashing in."

0:22:150:22:19

It may be better psychology. You can suggest it to him.

0:22:190:22:22

-What are the results of this survey?

-Dr Sam Parnia did it.

0:22:220:22:26

It's due to be announced in 2011 and we called him up

0:22:260:22:30

and he refused to give us the scoop, so we just don't know.

0:22:300:22:33

How annoyed would you be if you did all that research

0:22:330:22:36

and it turned out that the top of thing was so dusty

0:22:360:22:39

you couldn't see the picture?

0:22:390:22:41

-You'd be like, "Oh!"

-That would be annoying.

0:22:410:22:43

OBEs, they're called. Out of body experiences.

0:22:430:22:47

I reckon it will turn out

0:22:470:22:50

that they can't see the things on the top of the cupboards.

0:22:500:22:53

That's what I think.

0:22:530:22:56

If you're having an out of body experience, check what's on top of the cupboards.

0:22:560:23:00

And now it's time to proceed with extreme caution

0:23:000:23:03

as we approach the hazardous environment of General Ignorance.

0:23:030:23:06

Please place your fingers carefully on the appropriate location.

0:23:060:23:10

Which of these birds would you trust to take home with you?

0:23:100:23:13

I'm sorry, I should put that better.

0:23:160:23:19

Which of these birds would you trust to take you home?

0:23:190:23:21

You've been confusing me with your dirty talk.

0:23:210:23:25

So the question is, is a blind pigeon better than a one-eyed robin?

0:23:260:23:30

Yeah, or a particular one-eyed robin, because one is...

0:23:300:23:33

'Vehicle reversing!'

0:23:330:23:34

-It's the pigeon.

-The pigeon?

-It follows magnetic lines. It doesn't need eyes for that.

0:23:340:23:40

You're right. The pigeon could take you home

0:23:400:23:43

but so could the robin on the right, the one whose left eye is covered.

0:23:430:23:48

The one of the left whose right eye is covered

0:23:480:23:51

couldn't navigate at all.

0:23:510:23:52

-Cos he's pissed.

-No.

0:23:520:23:54

Because his right eye is covered. That's the weird thing.

0:23:540:23:57

-So the left eye is just ornamental, is it?

-It really is peculiar.

0:23:570:24:02

We know, now, that they use magnetism to navigate in their long journeys.

0:24:020:24:09

We know this because you can disorient them, pigeons and robins,

0:24:090:24:14

by placing magnets near them and they suddenly no longer know where to go.

0:24:140:24:18

But they also need to see,

0:24:180:24:20

that's to say, they're not just sensing it.

0:24:200:24:23

They obviously see some magnetic flux

0:24:230:24:26

in the way that we see light and colour or whatever.

0:24:260:24:28

But the weird thing they discovered, gosh knows why they tried it,

0:24:280:24:32

that a robin, it's only its right eye that sees the magnetism.

0:24:320:24:38

With its left eye covered, it can find its way using magnetism

0:24:380:24:42

but with its right eye covered, it can't.

0:24:420:24:45

So like an Apache helicopter pilot. They have to have binocular rivalry, they call it.

0:24:450:24:49

So you're saying it would be physically impossible

0:24:490:24:52

for a pigeon, a homing pigeon, to deliver a fridge magnet?

0:24:520:24:56

Yes.

0:24:570:24:59

-It's a shocker.

-No wonder my business failed.

0:25:000:25:03

-Ridiculous.

-You're right. It is a shocker.

0:25:040:25:07

What do they think, if the robin's right eye can see magnetism...

0:25:070:25:11

They think it's controlled in the left brain.

0:25:110:25:14

-What's the left eye's special power?

-It's just an ordinary seeing eye.

0:25:140:25:18

-Or maybe it can see smells.

-Maybe it can.

0:25:180:25:21

Like a sort of Bisto brown thing, you know?

0:25:210:25:24

It can see deliciousness.

0:25:240:25:26

There's clearly more work to be done.

0:25:280:25:30

It seems that robins detect magnetic fields with their right eye

0:25:300:25:33

but that pigeons can do it blindfold.

0:25:330:25:36

Why shouldn't you drink on antibiotics?

0:25:360:25:38

-Ah...

-'Dive! Dive!'

0:25:390:25:42

Because that's what doctors say.

0:25:420:25:44

All the time. And operate machinery, as well.

0:25:440:25:48

Oh, and just heavy machinery. Any sort of machinery, that's fine.

0:25:480:25:51

A sewing machine, you can do that.

0:25:510:25:53

You can operate a sewing machine off your tits.

0:25:530:25:56

But not the space shuttle.

0:25:570:25:58

You sort of... You can, really, can't you?

0:25:580:26:01

They just don't want you to have too much fun.

0:26:010:26:04

It's like you can use a mobile phone in a petrol station.

0:26:040:26:08

When antibiotics arrived, it was mostly in the 1940s

0:26:080:26:12

and one of the first things that antibiotics was brilliant at

0:26:120:26:15

was syphilis.

0:26:150:26:17

and so they gave men with syphilis antibiotics

0:26:170:26:19

and the trouble is, they'd still be infectious for the first week of taking the antibiotics

0:26:190:26:24

and so they would say to them, "Don't get drunk, don't drink,"

0:26:240:26:28

because, basically... Keep your trousers on.

0:26:280:26:30

-So it's tradition. It's tradition.

-Yes.

0:26:300:26:33

I'm told when they give me antibiotics for my endless array of diseases,

0:26:330:26:37

they say don't drink.

0:26:370:26:39

They're just doing that for traditional...

0:26:390:26:42

There are some antibiotics, there's one, I think it's called Flagyl,

0:26:420:26:45

which is like Antabuse, which will make you vomit, it's really horrific.

0:26:450:26:49

It doesn't stop the antibiotic working but you feel awful.

0:26:490:26:53

I hate being in the pub with someone going, "I'm on antibiotics. I better not."

0:26:530:26:59

I'll go, "Whoa!"

0:26:590:27:00

It's great that you say it's tradition, actually.

0:27:000:27:03

That's made me so much less likely to drink on antibiotics now.

0:27:030:27:07

-Really?

-If it's traditional, I'll go, "Well, that's fine.

0:27:070:27:11

"I respect traditions. I like these traditions.

0:27:110:27:14

"If we stop observing them, they'll disappear."

0:27:140:27:18

Surely by that logic, you'd be dressed as morris dancer?

0:27:180:27:21

-That's not a good thing.

-We do all sorts of...

0:27:230:27:25

Christmas lunch, I wear a stupid paper hat

0:27:250:27:29

-that makes my scalp itch.

-Yes, that's true.

0:27:290:27:32

And I wouldn't want to stop doing that just for a reduction in scalp discomfort.

0:27:320:27:36

Well spoken. Very true.

0:27:360:27:39

So, yes, with a few specific exceptions -

0:27:390:27:42

please ask your doctor -

0:27:420:27:43

there is no general pharmacological reason not to mix antibiotics and alcohol.

0:27:430:27:48

Which brings us to the scores.

0:27:480:27:49

Oh, and how interesting they are.

0:27:490:27:52

Safe as houses tonight with a very healthy lead of plus 6 points

0:27:520:27:56

is our winner, David Mitchell!

0:27:560:27:58

-APPLAUSE

-Oh!

0:27:580:28:00

Followed... Followed at a reasonably safe distance with plus 2

0:28:030:28:09

by Ross Noble!

0:28:090:28:10

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:100:28:12

In third place with minus 4 is Jeremy Clarkson.

0:28:140:28:17

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-I thought I'd come last.

0:28:170:28:20

But I think I'm safe in saying

0:28:210:28:24

that tonight's loser with minus 6 is Alan Davies.

0:28:240:28:27

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-How did I get minus 6?

0:28:270:28:30

Well, it's thanks from David, Jeremy, Ross, Alan and me

0:28:350:28:39

and I leave you with this thought from Mark Twain.

0:28:390:28:41

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

0:28:410:28:45

Take care and good night. APPLAUSE

0:28:450:28:48

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0:29:080:29:10

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0:29:100:29:11

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