House and Home QI


House and Home

Stephen Fry asks unanswerable questions about house and home, with Bill Bailey, Eddie Izzard, Danny Baker and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Good evening.

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Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

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Hello, and how do you do?

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We'll be staying in tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

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for a quite interesting look at house and home.

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So, let's see who's "in da house," as my father likes to say.

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We have, very much at home, Danny Baker!

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Thank you.

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APPLAUSE

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And hitting a home run, Eddie Izzard.

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APPLAUSE

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And a beautifully streamlined homing pigeon, Bill Bailey.

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APPLAUSE

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And late with his homework again, my homeboy, Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE

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Well, should my house guests need to attract my attention

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they'll need to ring my chimes. Danny goes...

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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And Eddie goes...

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DOOR BELL RINGS

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And Bill goes...

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BELLS RING A TUNE

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And Alan goes...

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KNOCKING 'Hello? Only me!'

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So, eyes down, please, for a full house.

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Now here's a lovely, homely picture of a modern family.

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But of course they're all rather concerned

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about their ecological footprint.

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Now how can they legally reduce it the most?

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-What is the biggest thing they can do?

-Stop breathing.

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Stop, er, breathing.

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Yes, and defecating.

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DOOR BELL RINGS

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-Are we using these?

-No, we never use them.

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-It's sort of...

-Come in!

-Hello!

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I mean legally, and if you like, biologically viably.

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-Oh right.

-Biologically viably?

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-Yeah, and legally. I mean, it's not...

-How many more...

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-Go vegetarian.

-..little things are you going to add on to this question?

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-Well...

-OK, I'll trigger the screen.

-Go on.

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-Don't drive, car.

-Oh no.

-Yes!

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That is not the biggest way they could help the environment,

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that particular family.

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-Insulating your home.

-That would be reasonable, but getting rid of the car would be better.

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I know. Eat the dog! RINGS BELL

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Yes!

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Yes!

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Or get rid of the dog.

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The dog is by far and away the most ecologically...

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Never turns the lights off, leaves the telly on all night.

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LAUGHTER

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Keeping a dog is the equivalent to two Toyota Land cruisers.

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-What?

-Yeah, right.

-No!

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Yes, everyone in the audience is going, "what?".

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-There's a simple reason.

-I'm getting rid of both of my Land Cruisers.

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And that is the meat it eats.

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-It's that simple.

-Oh, yeah.

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It seems a unfair to put it on the dog. I eat meat.

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Yes, but you can't get rid of a human being without being illegal.

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That's why I said legally. You can get rid of a dog.

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It may be unkind, but that's the point of the question.

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Can you do it? Oh, you could just have it put down.

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Yeah, legally, not ethically.

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Not ethically, no. Definitely not ethically.

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But it was there to surprise you. It is a shock.

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Even a cat, one cat, one little cat,

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is the equivalent to a Volkswagen Golf.

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And I'm including the manufacture of the car

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as well as the use of the car.

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-Wow. So, Stephen, just on a purely technical point...

-Yes.

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I've got four dogs, right.

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Oh, you!

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You're killing us all!

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Kill your dogs, will you!? I can hardly breathe!

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The planet's warming!

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I want to know, what kind of fleet of vehicles I can now own.

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I'm really keen to know.

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-Eight Land Cruisers.

-Yes!

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You could have a lot of land cruisers.

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You'd be like Mad Max. You could go across deserts.

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If you had a bison you could have a Chieftain tank.

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-If they ate veg is it better?

-They are just born to eat meat, I fear.

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-Well our dogs eat rice.

-They will eat it, but not without meat.

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-They'll eat it grudgingly.

-You leave out a Battenburg and that'll disappear instantly.

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They had a whole tin of Quality Street, one Christmas, and they took all the wrappers off. Unbelievable.

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Yeah, they unwrapped the sweets, the Alsatians.

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Did they look through the cellophane and go, "It's all yellow!"

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That's how we got them. They had cellophane over their eyes like that, "wow, man."

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A little bit of green foil under their claws.

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-Yes.

-The thing is, I've got four dogs, two cats, birds, fish, rabbit,

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guinea pig - I could probably get like a jet or something.

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You probably are using the equivalent of a jet. It's quite serious.

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-Really?

-I can give you the figures.

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It takes 43 square metres of land to generate one kilogram of chicken,

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much more for other meats.

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But only 13 per kilo of cereal, you see?

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So someone worked out how much it took, and it's two Land Cruisers per

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dog, much more for German shepherds, for example, which eat a lot more.

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If you kept two hamsters,

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that's the same energy footprint as a plasma television.

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And unfortunately, no, hamsters going round on a wheel will not power the plasma television.

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Is this some kind of Dr Dolittle death list your reading from?

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How many pets have you got to get rid of to get a speedboat?

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They're not green shield stamps, you know!

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That's what they are in my mind, now.

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Nectar points!

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One dolphin.

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Oh don't, bless the dolphins.

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The ecological footprint is a measure of the amount of land needed

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to regenerate consumed resources and deal with the resultant waste.

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Current figures calculated by the United Nations

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are that we are using 1.4 times more than the planet can restore.

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-The thing is...

-Yes?

-We evolved from this planet,

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we are of this planet, we live on this planet,

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-so can't we do what we like?

-Yeah, absolutely.

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We are victims of our own evolution, I happen to have come in at this point.

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Now I have to turn the out and I can't see where I'm going when I go to bed.

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But we appear to be the first creatures

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to have evolved to have a knowledge of what we're doing.

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-Consciousness, that's what we've got.

-That's where we went wrong.

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We also kill each other in huge quantities, that's a good thing.

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Maybe we should big ourselves up sometimes.

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-Last year thousands of people were killed in wars, thousands of people.

-That's right.

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That's the ecological paw print, and it's a bit of a shocker for us all.

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But having children is even more disastrous than having dogs.

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Unless they start wars.

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Unless they start wars.

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But as long as it's killing Nazis then we're a kind of cool with that.

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-And Hitler had a dog.

-He did, and he killed it!

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If you're going to have a war, use animals as weapons and that'll get rid of a few.

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If you've got a mortar, chuck a few guinea-pigs down a mortar, phoom!

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-That's half a plasma screen already.

-Exactly.

-Yeah, brilliant.

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Yes, but the one thing about evolution, evolution has never developed an animal with a wheel.

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And you would have thought by now,

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because they must have seen the car or the bike by now,

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but evolution if it's going anywhere, no animal has a wheel.

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-The paw's better than the wheel.

-A what?

-A paw.

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It's much better than a wheel.

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The Daleks proved this, Daleks couldn't go upstairs.

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-Now they fly!

-We invented the wheel then

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-after the wheel we had to invent the road and the railway line and things to put the wheel on.

-That's true.

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Had nature given us roads, then a wheel might well have been a good evolution.

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Where we're going, we don't need roads.

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How come some fish fly and we don't?

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Yeah. So...

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What about a Blueray player? What are they, a mouse or something?

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-I think a Blueray player would be probably a gerbil.

-Gerbil, right.

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-A gecko would be an iPad.

-Nice! Oh, yes!

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The most ecological would be the worm, because the worm eats us.

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And you cut it in two and you've got four. No, two.

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-That's a conjoined worm, of course.

-You cut two in two you get four.

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You're doing wonderfully, thank you all very much.

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So there you are, yes, a medium-sized dog has a bigger

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ecological footprint than a large car, so draw your own conclusions.

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Now many things can influence the value of the house,

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but what instantly reduces the value of a house in America by a third?

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OJ Simpson lived there.

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-A third.

-Third.

-Third.

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LAUGHTER

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Third...

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Is it a tornado cutting it in...two thirds?

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LAUGHTER

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Two thirds of it is on one side of the San Andreas fault...

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I may say, what it is, is nonsense, but it's the kind of a nonsense

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that Americans, unfortunately, seem to believe in.

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-Whether or not it's near to a drive-in?

-Portal to hell?

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-Well, kind of.

-It's buried on a graveyard?

-Haunted!

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Haunted is the right answer. Haunted.

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Obviously it won't be haunted because...

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There's no such thing as ghosts.

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Exactly. But, the point is the stigma of haunting is enough.

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If it's merely mentioned or that people seem to believe

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there are ghosts there, then it will reduce...

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Have they told you about the haunting?

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-They told you about the ghost?

-There should be ghosts everywhere.

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-There should be dinosaur ghosts, cows ghosts, sheep ghosts, worm ghosts...

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Yeah, dinosaur ghosts, that's a brilliant idea!

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There should be stromatolites ghosts...

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-Exactly.

-The most plausible thing I ever heard on the ghost front

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is the idea it can be the atmospheric thing like

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a lightning bolt, it's because of a peculiarity and a magnetic force.

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These people are unaware they're ghosts and that's why

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they appear to walk through doors because as far as they're concerned, the door isn't there...

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and I can kind of buy that!

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I can buy that brains are affected by magnetic fields

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and there are certain circumstances where it's common for people to feel

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chill and dread and to hallucinate and indeed to die

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-and this is quite common...

-Yeah, what a night that was.

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That's carbon monoxide poisoning.

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-Oh!

-From gas boilers and so on and it causes all those symptoms.

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As for dead people coming back...

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-There should be dead cows.

-I so agree with you!

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The Meatpacking District in New York.

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Yeah, why do you draw the line? Suddenly it's only human beings.

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Because if you pass a field and you see a cow,

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you don't say, "That's a ghost!".

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If you saw one in your house, you would.

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Yeah, but cows aren't going to be in the house.

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-They are because...

-Houses are built on all kinds of pieces of land.

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I'm not advocating for the Ghost Party over here but...

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I love the idea of a Ghost Party. Woooh!

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The other parties are just scaremongering.

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Very good.

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First appearance of the pipe.

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The pipe in high-definition for the first time.

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What happened to pipes?

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-That's where they went.

-I love pipes.

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Would you like to meet the last ever winner of the pipe-smoker of the year?

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AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes!

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How do you do!

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I answered no!

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You're a pipe-smoker?

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The first QI was about to start and I was asked to some press for it

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and I left the house to go to this interview

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and I realised I had no cigarettes -

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in those days I was a smoker - and I just saw a pipe

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and some tobacco and I put it in my pocket.

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You saw a pipe just lying there in the street?

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No, in my house! Two days after the Independent article opened,

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I was asked if I would be the pipe-smoker of the year!

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Did you accept?

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I said, yeah. Absolutely!

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It confers a kind of respectability, I think. Trustworthiness.

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I never think you can truly give directions without a pipe and that's why I envy you, Bill.

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Really! Could you tell me where the station is?

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What you do, you go down there...

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HE MUMBLES

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-And recognising a friend! Ah!

-Ah!

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Great prop for that.

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Ah!

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Now a good haunting

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can knock a third off the value of an American house.

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Describe the arrangements for moving house in the fourth largest island in South America.

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-The fourth...?

-Largest island in South America.

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-Look at your tats.

-I've got them covered up at the moment.

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I can tell you the third largest. They just get it in a van and go.

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What the hell is the fourth largest?

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Its name is Chiloe.

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-That helps.

-What?

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There are the people of Chiloe. It's off the coast of Chile.

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Obviously they'll get a yak first. Two yaks.

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Actually they called it a yunta, which is like a team of cattle.

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The point is, when they move house, they literally move house.

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If they have a haunting, if there's a bad spirit,

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rather than just leave the house and build a house somewhere else,

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they move the house thinking that the spirit will stay behind and I think we've got VT

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of them moving house. Here they go.

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That's the yunta, and they've got logs and there it goes.

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That's cos there's a ghost inside?

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-What if the ghost can travel with them?

-Apparently the ghost doesn't.

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The ghost goes, "I'm still here!"

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Apparently it doesn't.

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The ghost gets left behind going, "What happened?"

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Do cows have any idea where they're going?

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Or are all the houses just at one end of the field?

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Possibly.

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That is an adventure movie, isn't it? That just looks fantastic.

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It's Fitzcarraldo writ small.

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I think it's Die Hard with a cow.

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-Or the guy in the window's going, "I want to stay here!".

-The person at the door's going, "What the hell?

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"I just came down because there was a rumbling."

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It's quite a sight.

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Apparently tourists come from Chile to watch it.

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The ceremony is called the Minga.

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They have a great feast called the curanto and they dance a waltz.

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So, what kind of person builds a house out of straw?

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Not a...pig.

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Damn you.

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-Damn you for the "not" word.

-A pig!

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ALARM

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-You just wanted to be spanked.

-I just wanted to hear the sound.

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I've been making it myself watching - "wooohoooh!"

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Like some demented child.

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What kind of a person would build a house out of straw?

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A straw person would live in a straw house, for example, a scarecrow.

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When they weren't working out in the field.

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Somewhere you could only get straw to make a house out of?

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-Yeah.

-Does it have to be a person? Not a bird?

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The fact is it's an incredibly good building material for houses.

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There's almost nothing not to find remarkable about it.

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I was astonished by this. It's more fire-resistant than conventional buildings.

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You'd think it was a fire hazard but in fact the straw is so compacted, it just won't burn.

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There's no air in it.

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It's structurally sound and strong, it's resistant to earthquakes, inhospitable to insects

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and rodents, more so than wood, so particularly in America where

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houses are wood-framed, it's fantastically useful.

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Clean straw has no allergy issue.

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It's relatively cheap, it's a below zero carbon rating.

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Can be locally grown, excellent insulation and sound proofing

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compared to conventional buildings, it's biodegradable

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at the end of the building's life, it's easy to work with,

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necessary skills are easier to learn than bricklaying.

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Sounds great until it rains.

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No because that one on the right is that straw house.

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It's not left straw like that. You can clad it and plaster it.

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Clapboard and everything else.

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-You would never know it was a straw house.

-You'd need a a metal roof.

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Yeah, the whole thing isn't made of straw but it's straw where otherwise you'd be using concrete or wood.

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Why are we just learning this?

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I know! It was a 19th-century Nebraskan invention, a baled straw buildings.

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In Nebraska, they have huge grasslands and you'd start when it's the nearest material to you.

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There aren't that many trees and things for wood.

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So how big can the structures get?

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-As big as any. You know...

-The sky's the limit.

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Big question - can a wolf blow it down?

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It'll huff and it'll puff and I think it will fail to blow it down.

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If a wolf came back and saw that... "Ha-ha! Oh..."

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The wolf would be going, "this is not supposed to happen!

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"I've got a brick one to come yet!"

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The wolf would be going, "I love what you've done here."

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The early Nebraskan settlers even tried them with balls of tumbleweed compressed.

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And it blew away?

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There was a house built of hay, it was a schoolhouse in Nebraska.

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It was eaten by a herd of cows.

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That was bad but they wouldn't eat straw.

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This information throws everything into chaos.

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A man of straw is supposed to be weak and now we're learning it's right up there with concrete.

0:17:430:17:49

Now the pigs have got a panic room anyway...

0:17:490:17:52

Straw is cheap, strong, warm and fire and earthquake resistant,

0:17:520:17:55

making it an excellent choice of building material.

0:17:550:17:58

Now, the Queen is coming for tea.

0:17:580:18:00

What should you do with your lavatory seat?

0:18:000:18:03

Cover it with money!

0:18:030:18:06

-EDDIE:

-Wear it round your neck with pride.

0:18:060:18:10

No. There is a rumour, an urban legend, a nonsense, a fallacy,

0:18:100:18:14

that you have to get a new lavatory seat for the Queen's visit.

0:18:140:18:18

Superglue it.

0:18:180:18:19

Put clingfilm over the bowl. See if she complains!

0:18:190:18:26

I don't know why that pleases me so much but it really does.

0:18:300:18:33

There was a rumour - but it's a nonsense -

0:18:330:18:37

-that she carried her own calfskin one around, a calfskin lavatory seat.

-Wow.

0:18:370:18:42

But apparently Prince Charles did have his own.

0:18:420:18:45

He was given one as a present and he liked it so he used to carry it around.

0:18:450:18:48

Charlie's got his own seat and he goes around with it?

0:18:480:18:51

No, he was given it and he used to take it around as a joke.

0:18:510:18:54

-As a joke?

-All right!

0:18:540:18:57

-I mean, the people who deal with royalty, they do say...

-HE MUTTERS

0:18:570:19:03

And they would have bolted it on in a trice.

0:19:030:19:06

-Probably.

-No-one would take the joke.

0:19:060:19:08

"We've made nine of them."

0:19:080:19:10

I don't know how that works in the toilet but...

0:19:120:19:15

People powering the toilet.

0:19:150:19:19

-Jet-powered toilets.

-Yes.

0:19:190:19:21

A royal flush.

0:19:210:19:23

You can be sucked out of a jet toilet.

0:19:230:19:27

You can get wedged in and create a vacuum.

0:19:270:19:31

Then the whole plane sucks in on its own.

0:19:310:19:34

Like Oddjob...

0:19:340:19:38

-Goldfinger himself goes out of the window.

-But not out of the loo.

0:19:380:19:43

ALAN IMITATES FLUSH

0:19:430:19:46

Isn't it funny how you just have to press the button and then you think,

0:19:460:19:49

I'll have to press it again because it didn't, and then woah!

0:19:490:19:52

Stand well back. You don't leave your tie dangling over. Waah!

0:19:520:19:57

According to Buckingham Palace, the idea that the Queen requires a new lavatory seat is a complete myth.

0:19:570:20:02

Though you might want to run a damp cloth over the old one.

0:20:020:20:04

So, homing in now on General Ignorance.

0:20:040:20:08

Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:20:080:20:09

When did slavery become a criminal offence in England?

0:20:090:20:12

It was one of these odd little New Labour laws, in about 1996, '97, '98.

0:20:120:20:18

What an odd law, to outlaw slavery.

0:20:180:20:21

It's political correctness gone mad!

0:20:210:20:24

-I'm going to be odd and say it was a bit late.

-Yes, that's exactly right.

0:20:240:20:27

It was 1807 when the slave trade was ended, and then finally, in 1834,

0:20:270:20:32

it was illegal anywhere in the British Empire to own a slave.

0:20:320:20:36

It has never been illegal to have a slave in England until April 2010.

0:20:360:20:43

I'm saying I could have had you as a slave. Legally.

0:20:430:20:48

-You mean this series I'm finally free?

-Yes!

0:20:480:20:52

APPLAUSE

0:20:520:20:54

Absolutely.

0:20:550:20:58

You know what?

0:20:580:21:00

I'll be one of those slaves that just goes back to the master. "I don't know what to do now.

0:21:000:21:04

"Can I work for you any way, please?"

0:21:040:21:07

There are now estimated to be 27 million people held essentially in bondage, in slavery, on this planet.

0:21:070:21:12

-But the show will be over soon and you can go.

-Yeah.

0:21:120:21:16

-More than there ever were in the days of cotton picking and s on.

-27 million?

-27 million.

0:21:160:21:20

-In the world?

-Yeah. That is the estimate. It's a pretty grim problem, still, slavery.

0:21:200:21:25

The point is it was never illegal in England because it was never recognised as a state of being.

0:21:250:21:31

I wish I had known that!

0:21:310:21:34

There were laws against kidnapping and abduction, and false imprisonment,

0:21:340:21:39

and sexual trafficking and all that we might associate,

0:21:390:21:42

though it was not illegal for one human to own another human, which it now is.

0:21:420:21:47

This isn't one of those laws where they thought, "That needs clearing up. It's a loose end from history."

0:21:470:21:52

It kind of was. In 1967, there were a number of obsolete crimes that were taken care of.

0:21:520:21:57

Barratry had been illegal right up until 1967, which is vexatious lawsuits.

0:21:570:22:02

-Vexatious?

-What they call a vexatious litigate, someone who just keeps coming.

0:22:020:22:09

-Dorothy Squires.

-Yes.

-The singer, towards the end of her life when she did have a mania,

0:22:090:22:14

but she was probably the last person to be done for vexatious litigants.

0:22:140:22:17

-But if you kept prosecuting someone for it, you'd be prosecuted...

-Yourself.

-Yeah.

0:22:170:22:22

Any way, there's scolding.

0:22:220:22:24

Scolding was a crime in 1966, but not in 1967.

0:22:240:22:27

-With hot water, you mean?

-No, not scalding. Scolding. Scolding! "You!

0:22:270:22:31

"What time of the night do you call this, Eddie Izzard?"

0:22:310:22:35

-12.00. 12.30. I don't know.

-Give you a good scolding.

0:22:350:22:38

-And that was illegal?

-That was illegal.

0:22:380:22:41

-And now it's legal?

-Eavesdropping was illegal.

0:22:410:22:44

Challenging someone to a fight was also illegal until 1967.

0:22:440:22:47

What about going round a roundabout more than three times?

0:22:470:22:51

That certainly wouldn't have been a medieval law, would it?

0:22:510:22:54

Well, I don't know. If you had a horse and cart and a couple of hours spare.

0:22:540:22:58

-On the medieval roundabout.

-The medieval roundabout.

-Yes. Any way. There you are.

0:22:580:23:03

Due to a quirk of English law, it only became an offence

0:23:030:23:06

to keep a slave in the year 2010, so you just missed your chance.

0:23:060:23:10

Who lives in the tiniest houses in Europe?

0:23:100:23:13

-DING-DONG

-German. Belgians. French. Italians.

-Whoa.

0:23:130:23:16

-Slovenia?

-Slovenia?

0:23:160:23:19

Whoa, interesting. No.

0:23:190:23:22

-Greece, Turkey.

-Albania.

-Albania.

0:23:220:23:24

-No.

-Lithuania. England.

0:23:240:23:26

-Ireland. Czech Republic.

-Wales.

0:23:260:23:28

Well..

0:23:280:23:30

-Wales?

-Well...

-Pygmies.

-Anglesey. The Welsh?

0:23:300:23:34

-Brittany...

-Britain!

0:23:340:23:37

Britain.

0:23:370:23:39

-Great Britain.

-Great Britain?

0:23:390:23:41

-Britain, UK.

-We got that easy!

-Our country. Where we live.

-Us?

-Yes. We have.

0:23:410:23:46

-We have?

-We have, in Britain. We have the smallest by quite a way.

0:23:460:23:50

It's rather embarrassing. Easily the pokiest accommodation in Europe.

0:23:500:23:53

Yeah. In terms of overall floor space, that's where we live.

0:23:530:23:56

Isn't that tragic? Compared to America.

0:23:560:24:00

Yeah. We have a miserly 76 square metres on average.

0:24:000:24:04

-We're quite crammed together, aren't we?

-We are.

0:24:040:24:06

But even given that, our houses are jolly titchy, it seems.

0:24:060:24:10

Until you told us we weren't that bothered. But now...

0:24:100:24:13

-Where does the phrase, "There isn't room to swing a cat" come from?

-Cat o' nine tails?

0:24:130:24:18

Cat o' nine tails?

0:24:180:24:19

No, it's not, oddly enough. You'd think it was.

0:24:190:24:23

It's the kind of think people think.

0:24:230:24:25

-It's when they used to flog people with an actual cat.

-No, literally,

0:24:250:24:29

it means what it says.

0:24:290:24:30

It's just a kind of common folk expression meaning to swing a cat round.

0:24:300:24:35

But the first use of cat o' nine tales was 1695 in the English language.

0:24:350:24:40

And at least 40 years earlier than that there are references to not being able to swing a cat.

0:24:400:24:44

It's so disappointing when you find that out.

0:24:440:24:46

-I think it's good.

-Meeeeow!

0:24:460:24:48

-The whole nine yards?

-The whole nine yards? No.

-Alan's doing cat stuff.

0:24:520:24:54

-It's an American sports thing, isn't it?

-How would you swing it, though?

0:24:540:24:57

There's that way, but there's also that way, up and down.

0:24:570:25:02

LAUGHTER Round and round.

0:25:020:25:04

I think it's by the tail, definitely, whatever.

0:25:040:25:07

Do you do it in a big loopy swing, or do you get some speed up?

0:25:070:25:11

-It'd be nice to find a room where there was enough room to swing a cat.

-Just.

-Just.

0:25:130:25:18

The cat's close and you just go, "Ah!"

0:25:180:25:21

By a whisker!

0:25:210:25:23

-By a whisker.

-Literally.

0:25:230:25:24

The whole nine yards, I believe, is not a sporting thing, it's America's and the B52s going

0:25:240:25:30

over Nazi Germany, and they shot the whole nine yards of bullets.

0:25:300:25:34

-Oh, right, it's a nine yard...

-It's 10 yards in American football.

0:25:340:25:37

Everyone thought it was something to do with American football.

0:25:370:25:40

Nice. If that's true, there will be points in it.

0:25:400:25:43

-I think that's quite interesting.

-Yes, I'm excited.

0:25:430:25:45

So, yes, it turns out the British build the meanest houses in Europe.

0:25:450:25:49

Why don't any bleaches claim to kill 100% of all germs?

0:25:490:25:53

They'd get sued if you found a living germ left?

0:25:530:25:57

KLAXON

0:25:570:25:59

No, it's not that.

0:26:010:26:03

It's because they don't kill...

0:26:030:26:04

They probably do kill 100% of all germs, it's just almost impossible to prove.

0:26:040:26:10

What's left behind, we just don't have the technology to inspect whether or not there

0:26:100:26:15

are any germs left. The fact is, certainly you can prove 99.999% of germs are killed by bleach.

0:26:150:26:21

-When you wipe up afterwards, you put more germs back in.

-You often do.

0:26:210:26:24

Because everyone pees on their hands and then goes and gets mints.

0:26:240:26:29

Looking like that when they do.

0:26:290:26:32

I save time. I just take the mints to the loo.

0:26:320:26:35

-Those are those things in the urinal, you can't eat them.

-I thought they were mints.

0:26:350:26:42

Good! So, no bleach claims to kill 100% of germs because some microbial remnants

0:26:420:26:48

left after the standard test are just too small to measure.

0:26:480:26:51

They come pretty close, though. And so we end our weary journey homewards and it's time to look

0:26:510:26:57

at the house of cards that represent our scoring system.

0:26:570:27:02

Home and dry, in the lead, with an astonishing plus three, Bill Bailey!

0:27:020:27:07

APPLAUSE

0:27:070:27:10

Very well played.

0:27:130:27:15

Just about keeping the home fires burning with minus 16, Eddie Izzard!

0:27:150:27:21

-I'm second? Second?

-Second.

0:27:210:27:25

I'm second. Minus 16.

0:27:250:27:26

And with home in sight at minus 17, Danny Baker!

0:27:260:27:31

Pippe me by a minus point. Minus one.

0:27:310:27:35

It's a terrible shock, but finally, home alone with minus 19, Alan Davies!

0:27:350:27:41

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:27:410:27:43

THEME TUNE PLAYS

0:27:430:27:45

That's all for this homely edition of QI,

0:27:490:27:51

so it's good night from Eddie, Danny, Bill and Alan and myself.

0:27:510:27:55

And now it's time to bolt the door, drink up your cocoa, and then off to

0:27:550:27:58

bed with the lot of you, but not before I snuggle down with this thought from a recent survey.

0:27:580:28:03

30 years ago, 65% of men, on leaving their house, kissed their wife goodbye.

0:28:030:28:10

Today, 88% of men when they leave their wife,

0:28:100:28:13

have to kiss their house goodbye. Good night.

0:28:130:28:16

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