Holidays QI


Holidays

Stephen Fry asks unanswerable questions about Holidays, with Bill Bailey, Rich Hall, Rob Brydon and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh! Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de- hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi,

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and welcome to QI. We're off on our H for holidays this evening,

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leaving behind Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire

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in favour of Hong Kong, Honduras and Hawaii.

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Hitching a ride along the way are the globetrotting Rich Hall!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The jet-setting Rob Brydon.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The wanderlusty Bill Bailey!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And the itchy-footed Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Now, before we set off, let's hear a bit of world music. Rich goes...

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BANJOS PLAY

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Lovely. Rob goes...

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HARP PLAYS

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Ah, I suppose it's a Welsh harp, probably.

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Bill goes...

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MORRIS DANCE MUSIC

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LAUGHTER

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Aw, and Alan goes...

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TIN WHISTLE JIG

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LAUGHTER

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Ah, tremendous.

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Right, now, settle down.

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The holidays are over and it's time to hand in our homework.

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I've been rather fed up with basically having to say things

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that are quite interesting to you and I thought it was time

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-that you said things to me that are quite interesting.

-Right.

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I want you to interest me. I have sent you all off on your holidays,

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as you will remember, not at the expense of the BBC,

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at my own personal expense I have sent you.

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So there's a special prize of a half day holiday if you can report

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on the most interesting thing in the country that I've sent you to visit.

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Rob, you should start. Where did I send you, where did you go?

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-You sent me to Hungary.

-Hungary.

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Because it had to begin with an H.

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Had to begin with an H, that was the fiendish plan.

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Very fiendishly clever. And I went to Hungary, Stephen.

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-Were they wearing trousers as tight as that?

-They...

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-LAUGHTER

-I was, interestingly enough.

-You did?

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-Good.

-I wore trousers very much like that,

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with the long sock, of course.

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-Ooh!

-LAUGHTER

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-I went...

-We know about your long socks, woah!

-Don't we just.

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-I went to Hungary and I'll tell you what I brought back for you.

-Yes.

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-Curious. Interesting. What am I showing you?

-No gloves?

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-No gloves. Jazz hands?

-I know, you're a really bad glove puppet.

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LAUGHTER

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Glove puppeteer who really has lost the plot.

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-Yeah. Naked glove puppetry.

-No, no. Very clean hands.

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-Oh, clean hands and Hungary?

-Yes.

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Have they jumped up in the corruption tables? Is that a euphemistic thing?

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-No, it's very literal. Very literal.

-Ooh!

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-They don't wipe their bums?

-Oh!

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-Then they wouldn't be clean.

-I don't think there's a need for that, Alan.

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Obsessively washing... OCD.

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I do think there's a need to wipe your bottom. What I was saying

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is I don't think there's a need for you to say "wiping bottoms".

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No, clean pair of hands. Think, if you will, of medicine for a moment.

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Where might I be going with this? Medicine?

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-The operation is very helpful.

-Surgeons.

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The importance of surgeons having clean hands...

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-Scrubbing up, they call it.

-Thank you, Stephen.

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-Scrubbing up, as Stephen says, yes. That's it, opening doors and taps.

-Doing the taps like that.

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Before you know it you've got a Eurovision act, haven't you?

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-Especially if you've got these on!

-For a long time they didn't realise,

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doctors and surgeons didn't realise that it was actually very important

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to wash your hands before you operate,

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cos they weren't aware of the transference of germs.

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It was Ignaz Semmelweis, the Hungarian.

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He came up with this theory,

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because he was at the Vienna Infirmary, you see...

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-I've never sounded this knowledgeable on this show.

-It's very impressive!

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-He started this whole idea of the important of cleanliness and hygiene.

-You're absolutely right.

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There is a museum in Budapest, to which I have been,

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called the Semmelweis Museum, which is where he lived.

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He died in poverty and insanity, in fact. I think he died in an insane asylum.

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-No-one recognised the absolute truth of what he said.

-So excessively clean hands actually drive you mad.

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Well, no, what drives you mad is telling you truth and having nobody believe you.

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Doctors couldn't face the fact that he was basically saying that

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the thousands and thousands of deaths that took place in hospitals

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were probably the fault of doctors.

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-It implied they were a little unclean.

-Yes, exactly.

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What else has Hungary given us?

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-Goulash.

-Goulash. What does goulash mean, do you know?

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Goulash means stew of some kind.

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-LAUGHTER

-In Hungarian it actually means...

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HARP PLAYS

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It actually means cowboy.

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-I learned this...

-Cowboy?

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-Cowboy.

-Cowboy, you're right.

-Ride 'em, Goulash.

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It's quite seductive when you press that harp button,

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-it's like we're going back in time.

-Yes!

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Well, tell us, Rob.

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HARP PLAYS Tell us, tell us...

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LAUGHTER

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-It's 1974 and Goulash means cowboy.

-You're quite right.

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-Rubik's Cube, of course, also comes from...

-Yes!

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Erno Rubik was a Hungarian. What do they drink in Hungary?

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-They drink...

-Bull's blood.

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Bull's blood, you're right, and bull's blood was responsible

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for one invention which was not credited.

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They very word tells you who we think invented it. Pasteurisation.

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It was not Louis Pasteur who first thought of that,

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it was an Hungarian, but he wrote a paper on it that was in Hungarian

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and nobody else in the world read it.

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Because it's a very, you know, almost a unique language.

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The other thing that Hungary is famous for is Laszlo Biro.

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-The ball point pen.

-He actually, he also invented the automatic gearbox.

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Yes, he sold it to the Ford Motor Company, didn't he?

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-That's right. Biro.

-There's a lot more to Hungary than meets the eye,

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so why not visit when you get the chance.

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Hungary, there's so much going on.

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-My grandfather was born in Hungary.

-Really?

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He used to say a Hungarian is the only man who can follow you

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into a revolving door and come out first.

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Isn't there something about the language that is uniquely odd?

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Well, it's unlike almost all European languages.

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But it's related to a language that's miles away?

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-Finnish. Finnish and Estonian.

-Suomi?

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Suomi, yes, the Finnish language.

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I thought you said, "You owe me."

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You owe me that, yeah!

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When you say Finnish, do you mean the people or the dishwasher tablets?

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-That's got a language all its own, hasn't it?

-It is, you're so right.

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-I prefer the liquid.

-Powerball. You get all the Powerballs out...

-Yeah.

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You can sell them to teenagers at a disco for ten quid.

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APPLAUSE

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-Powerball.

-Wow!

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They don't get high but their insides are fantastically clean.

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Yes, absolutely!

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-Wow.

-Yeah, when they go to the toilets they clean them.

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LAUGHTER

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Well done, Rob. That's excellent, I'm going to give you a lot of points for that!

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APPLAUSE

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Yup, Rob went to Hungary where they invented washing your hands,

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pasteurisation, the Rubik's Cube, which you mentioned, and, arguably,

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the word hello, did you know that?

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-Because of the telephone.

-Yes.

-Edison's...

-One of his assistants.

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-Went "hallom".

-Hallom.

-Hallom. Hallom.

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Hallom. Means "I can hear you", in I hear you.

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-I'm not so sure, I think that sounds a bit fanciful to me.

-Yes.

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-Not what it means, but the fact it then bastardised...

-Caused us to use the word hello on the phone.

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-I'm not buying that.

-OK.

-Which is why I didn't bring it up.

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Yeah, fair enough.

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-I used to collect stamps for about six months when I was 11.

-Mm.

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-And you could send off for packets of stamps.

-Yes, I remember that.

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About 40p, or something. You would get lots and lots of...

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Triangular ones and strange shapes.

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-I called Magyar stamps but apparently they're...

-"Modjur".

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Those ones. You'd always get loads of those.

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They must have printed a lot of stamps,

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or no-one was sending any letters there, or...

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I collected stamps for a very brief period, like you,

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I was in my early teens, and I gave it up. I thought to myself,

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"Philately will get me nowhere."

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AUDIENCE GROAN

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Rob, press this!

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Go back in time!

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HARP PLAYS

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I collected stamps for a period when I was an early teenager. I loved it.

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Yes, good, isn't it?

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APPLAUSE

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Phew!

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Well done, well done.

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Good news.

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Hungary, great success, lots of points. Bill, where did I send you?

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Well, I went to the Kingdom of Bhutan.

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Which is in the Himalayas.

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It's actually the only country in the world which is a carbon sink.

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Which means that it actually absorbs more CO2 than it actually gives out.

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-So the greenest country on Earth?

-It's the greenest country on Earth.

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It's written into the constitution

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that the forest area of Bhutan shall never dip below 60%.

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-Wow.

-And the cows are not allowed to fart.

-No.

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LAUGHTER It's a Buddhist country,

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and the national sports are archery and darts.

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But not darts as we know it. Jocky Wilson style, many lagers

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and shouting.

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They're huge, they're quite big darts. Quite lethal.

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That's the archery. That's the big dart he's chucking.

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-It's obviously miles away. It's not like the oche.

-Yes.

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Or he's rubbish at it.

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Yes... It's not a target, it's actually a hunting skill.

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He's trying to bring down a seagull there.

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A beautiful, green country. And its main export is hydroelectric power.

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So it's even exporting renewable energy.

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So it's a wonderful paradise.

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The general state of Bhutan is measured not in money,

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but in happiness.

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-Oh!

-It's sort of their equivalent of currency.

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It's gorgeous.

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Well, I have to say, Bill, that is fantastic.

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It makes me want to go there, I've never been. Thank you!

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Bill Bailey and Bhutan.

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APPLAUSE

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Yeah.

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-Yes?

-Can I take this off? I'm getting a rash.

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-OK.

-Thank you. I'm allergic to souvenirs.

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Anyway, Bill Bailey was in Bhutan

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where they have the world's only carbon sink.

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Dance is the national sport and they pursue Gross National Happiness

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-by painting huge phalluses on them.

-I have been to Hawaii.

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-Hey!

-Yeah.

-What can you tell us... Aloha!

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OK, I'll tell you many interesting things about Hawaii.

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It was discovered by Captain Cook after he discovered Sydney Harbour.

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And then moved to New Zealand, met very friendly people

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and he got to Hawaii and they ate him.

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It's true, isn't it?

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Yeah, very happy...

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..cannibals.

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-I have here an outrigger canoe.

-Oh, yeah. I've been on one of those.

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This part keeps it afloat, the outrigger part.

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You tear through the waves, when you come back you ride the waves.

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-Basically, it's surfing.

-Yeah.

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This wood is called wiliwili.

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-Excuse me?

-Which means...wili twice.

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Because Hawaiians like to repeat stuff a lot.

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-Yes!

-They only have 12 letters, so...

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I know a word beginning with W they repeat that is one we use a lot

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-on the internet.

-Wikipedia.

-Wikipedia. Wiki is...

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Wikiwiki means quick quick. There's also a word...

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-If you can't think of a word in Hawaii just say "Da kine".

-Right.

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That means any word you can't think of.

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It's a fantastic way of communicating.

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-The majority of land is owned by the Doyle pineapple company.

-Dole.

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-Dole.

-Yeah, Dole.

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I thought they'd sold out, cos I was there a year and a half ago,

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and they'd closed down some of the pineapple plantations.

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-They bought it back.

-Oh, have they?

-Just after you left.

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-And the highest mountain on the planet is in Hawaii.

-Yes!

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Why do we say it's higher than Everest?

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Because the island of Maui is actually...

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The mountain itself is called Mauna Loa. And from the...

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-If you count from the base...

-It is the highest mountain in the world.

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Excellent. Surfing, what can you tell us about surfing?

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Surfing was invented by the Polynesians.

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I've never surfed... You may be surprised to know.

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-I've seen some surfing moves.

-You've crowd surfed!

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-At Blackadder recordings.

-Oh, yes, naturally.

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There was a mosh pit there.

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It's really, really hard. I surfed when I was younger.

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It's very hard to get out behind the waves, so that you catch 'em.

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It's very tiring. I took some lessons in Bondi in Australia,

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the getting up is very hard.

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You know, that chap seems to have got the hang of it.

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Then when the moment comes, you've got to hop up in a fluid motion.

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-I go surfing in Devon.

-Do you?

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-It's great.

-Oh, right.

-In the winter, it's hardcore, surfing.

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You have to wear a wetsuit, hood, gloves,

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-you know, the whole bit.

-Overcoat.

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Sometimes. Sometimes you're in up to your waist.

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So how good are you? Could you do something like that?

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Oh, yeah.

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Seriously, though, can you do it?

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I've got up on the board.

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That's more than most of us can do.

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It's very hard to get up on the board.

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I stood on the board and I was so excited about it,

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I immediately fell off.

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I went, "Look..." Oh.

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Have you done it, Alan?

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I've been on those boogie board things,

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-where you go on your tummy.

-Nah...

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It's good fun.

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In Australia, I couldn't, like Rich was saying,

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I couldn't get past the waves.

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We did a bit of splashing and got a bit tired.

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They get a guy on a jet ski to tow you out. That's the way to do it.

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Well, wonderful. Thank you, Rich Hall, with your gems on Hawaii.

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APPLAUSE

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Now, unfortunately, Alan didn't get a holiday this year

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because, well, he was in detention,

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-but well done, everybody else.

-APPLAUSE

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Let's get hydrographical.

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How would you like to spend two weeks lying on a pile

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of parrotfish droppings,

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covered in phenylbenzimidazole sulfonic acid?

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-Does that sound like a good...

-Is that sun cream?

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Oh, very good. Excellent.

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APPLAUSE

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So that may not be such a bad thing after all.

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-That's lying on a beach covered in sun cream.

-Yes.

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Parrotfish droppings is a special kind of beach,

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-the kind we most like.

-White sand?

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Soft, white, coral island sand is parrotfish droppings.

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It's called a parrotfish because it has a beak like a parrot's

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and it scrapes away and eats at coral.

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And it excretes this white sand.

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And each fish will excrete over a ton of it in a year.

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-Good work.

-And lots of them.

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That builds up as the white soft sand that is the particularly prized sand

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of such a beautiful island as that, for example.

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Each fish excretes a ton of...

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What?!

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-A little parrotfish like that?

-Yeah.

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Every single day, it's eating it, a ton a year.

0:15:520:15:55

I suppose, if you're constantly processing.

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How much does your average man excrete in a year?

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I don't know why I'm looking at you. Why would you know?

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I'm afraid I don't.

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Your classical education has failed you again.

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Stephen'd knock that up in an afternoon.

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The average man will excrete the Isle of Sheppey.

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By lunchtime.

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And the sun cream?

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What's the maximum sun protection factor, the SPF...?

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-50, isn't it?

-50, yes. What does it mean when it's SPF 50?

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You can stay 50 times as long in the sun as you would do

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if, say, for example,

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the sun was so hot, you were going to burn in one minute,

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-if you put that on, you can stay 50 minutes.

-That's right.

0:16:400:16:43

Or if you put it on in England, you can stay for a lifetime.

0:16:430:16:47

Well, well done. There we were, somehow, talking about sand,

0:16:490:16:53

and coral, and how lovely it all was.

0:16:530:16:56

Sand of coral beaches is made from the excrement of parrotfish.

0:16:560:16:58

Now what was the largest steam engine of all time used for?

0:16:580:17:02

I know that one.

0:17:020:17:03

BUZZER

0:17:030:17:04

The SS Great Britain.

0:17:040:17:07

No. Again places beginning with H.

0:17:070:17:10

-Oh... A HUGE boat.

-Holland.

-Holland.

0:17:100:17:13

I said Holland before! LAUGHTER

0:17:130:17:16

-Will it be reclaiming land?

-Yeah, you're absolutely right.

0:17:160:17:20

-Tugging the sea back.

-Exactly.

0:17:200:17:23

Reclaiming land. The Polder Land they call it

0:17:230:17:25

-in Holland. Some might say that the Haarlemmermeer...

-Yeah.

0:17:250:17:29

..is the largest man-made structure, if you can call it man-made, on earth.

0:17:290:17:33

It's obviously nature, but... Schiphol Airport is on reclaimed land.

0:17:330:17:37

First to go when the old Polar Cap melts.

0:17:370:17:40

-Blub, blub...

-I'm afraid it will have a...

-Yeah.

0:17:400:17:43

It's a constant battle against nature.

0:17:430:17:46

Schiphol. Crazy place.

0:17:460:17:47

Yeah, I went through Schiphol Airport and I had a guitar with me

0:17:470:17:50

and the bloke said, "What is in the case please?"

0:17:500:17:52

I went, "Here we go. Anything to do with drugs."

0:17:520:17:55

I opened up and I went, "It's a guitar. It's a guitar."

0:17:550:17:58

They're so cool. The guy's there, I went, "It's a guitar".

0:17:580:18:01

He went, "That's no guitar, that's a Gibson 71 with a flying pickup!"

0:18:010:18:04

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:18:040:18:06

-Oh that's funny.

-So I went, "You guys, you guys are cool, yeah?"

0:18:060:18:11

"Hey let's jam a little bit."

0:18:110:18:14

"No, I've got to go. You're weird!"

0:18:140:18:16

LAUGHTER

0:18:160:18:17

-"Get off!"

-Charming English friendliness!

0:18:170:18:21

"Hey, we have an amplifier system in the Customs Office. Come on, guys!"

0:18:210:18:26

The Dutch indeed reclaimed a lot of their land because it's low lying, it's the Low Countries.

0:18:270:18:32

They're called that not by accident.

0:18:320:18:34

One of the flattest places in the world, Holland. Very, very flat.

0:18:340:18:37

Yes.

0:18:370:18:38

All of which aimless rambling brings us to the tourist trap of general ignorance.

0:18:380:18:43

So fingers on buzzers if you please.

0:18:430:18:45

Which country contains the most of the River Nile?

0:18:450:18:49

BUZZER

0:18:490:18:51

-Egypt.

-Oh!

-HOOTER AND BELL

0:18:510:18:54

-Anybody else?

-Is it Uganda?

0:18:540:18:56

Not... It is... The Nile does go through Uganda, but that's not the most of it.

0:18:560:19:00

-Most of the River Nile is in...

-Chad.

-No.

-Belgium.

0:19:000:19:03

LAUGHTER

0:19:030:19:04

-You're groping.

-Buying time, I'm buying time. Romania.

0:19:040:19:07

-Djibouti.

-Sudan is the right answer.

0:19:070:19:10

If you look at a map you will see it is massively the most.

0:19:100:19:13

It is the largest country in Africa.

0:19:130:19:14

Look how much of the Nile goes through Sudan.

0:19:140:19:16

It nearly decides to come back again.

0:19:160:19:18

It does. It goes up and then back down again all the way through to Uganda.

0:19:180:19:21

So why...? Does Egypt have the sponsorship deal?

0:19:210:19:25

Like when Pepsi sponsor The Rolling Stones. Is there some kind of...?

0:19:250:19:29

It's the fertility from the delta down through there.

0:19:290:19:32

-Is a lot of Sudan desert?

-Yeah.

0:19:320:19:34

-Pretty much I fear.

-OK.

0:19:340:19:35

But it's huge. It is the biggest country in Africa, Sudan, in fact.

0:19:350:19:40

-But the bottom is called...?

-Lake Victoria.

-Victoria, yes.

0:19:400:19:45

And where is the source of the Nile?

0:19:450:19:48

-It's not the um...

-It's Rwanda, in fact, though it was thought to be

0:19:480:19:51

where it ends in Uganda -

0:19:510:19:54

the green one there. Jinja, the north of Lake Victoria.

0:19:540:20:00

-The source of The Nile is Rwanda.

-It's now determined to be Rwanda.

0:20:000:20:03

A bit controversial because it goes into the Lake and out the other side.

0:20:030:20:07

But apparently that's what riverologists, as it were, now claim.

0:20:070:20:10

So we're currently now,

0:20:100:20:13

not giving too much away, in a studio in London.

0:20:130:20:16

Where is the nearest piece of American soil to us here?

0:20:160:20:21

Grosvenor Square?

0:20:210:20:23

-No!

-HOOTER AND BELL

0:20:230:20:26

A pity, but the fact is that most people wrongly think...

0:20:260:20:30

You're right that the American Embassy is in Grosvenor Square - at the moment.

0:20:300:20:34

They're about to move it. But an embassy is not considered the sovereign soil of the nation

0:20:340:20:39

whose embassy it is. It belongs to Britain, the soil there. It's not American soil. This is a myth,

0:20:390:20:44

this idea that the moment you step foot you're on American soil.

0:20:440:20:47

They wanted to buy the lease. Who owns Grosvenor Square?

0:20:470:20:50

The Duke Of Westminster I expect.

0:20:500:20:52

The Grosvenor family, yeah, the Duke Of Westminster.

0:20:520:20:55

They asked for the freehold, and do you know what he said?

0:20:550:20:57

He said, "Yes, if you give my family back the State Of Virginia which you confiscated from us...

0:20:570:21:02

LAUGHTER

0:21:020:21:04

-So...

-Yeah!

-..they decided not to.

0:21:040:21:08

-Um...

-Good work, the Duke Of Westminster. I like him already.

-Very funny.

0:21:080:21:12

But there IS American soil in Britain. The nearest to us is in Surrey.

0:21:120:21:15

It's a tiny area. It's a memorial,

0:21:150:21:17

a place in Surry famous for an extraordinary British event in 1215.

0:21:170:21:21

-Do you know what that is?

-The signing of the Magna Carta.

0:21:210:21:24

BILL BAILEY: I know where it is. BUZZER

0:21:240:21:25

-Runnymede.

-Runnymede.

-Runnymede?

-Yes.

0:21:250:21:28

-But what is the memorial in Runnymede?

-There's a JFK memorial.

0:21:280:21:31

-It's the memorial to John F Kennedy.

-I've been there. I've been there.

-Yeah!

0:21:310:21:35

And it's deliberately this sort of isometric, or whatever the word is, asymmetric steps,

0:21:350:21:40

higgledy-piggledy, to suggest a journey of pilgrimage towards him

0:21:400:21:43

and it is officially American soil. Anyway, what might

0:21:430:21:46

land on your head if you live under a flight path?

0:21:460:21:50

I know what you get if you sit under a cow.

0:21:500:21:52

LAUGHTER

0:21:520:21:54

-Right.

-A pat on the head!

-Heyyy!

0:21:540:21:56

Very nice.

0:21:560:21:59

Urine, frozen urine.

0:21:590:22:02

-Frozen urine.

-HOOTER AND BELL

0:22:020:22:04

Nay! No! That won't happen.

0:22:040:22:08

They do not jettison their pooh or their pee.

0:22:080:22:11

-Is this the blue ice?

-I think that's loo water that's frozen.

0:22:110:22:14

But it just doesn't happen. It's completely sealed in.

0:22:140:22:17

-Is it pollution?

-You might get ordinary ice from the wings because...

0:22:170:22:22

-Wings, yeah.

-From the engines and the wings, but you will not get pooh or pee water,

0:22:220:22:27

-but some trains still however do, just when you flush...

-Do they?

0:22:270:22:32

-..it goes onto the track.

-Is that why they say don't do it

0:22:320:22:35

while waiting in the station?

0:22:350:22:37

I thought that was because they might be changing the barrel.

0:22:370:22:40

Like in a pub with beer? Goodness me! What a thought.

0:22:400:22:43

Taking a barrel out at Crewe.

0:22:430:22:45

So aeroplanes don't dump their waste while in flight.

0:22:450:22:48

If some ice falls off a plane it probably came from the wings.

0:22:480:22:51

Which country has the lowest age of consent in Europe?

0:22:510:22:53

Kazakhstan.

0:22:530:22:56

In Europe. In Europe.

0:22:560:22:58

BUZZER

0:22:580:22:59

-Holland.

-No. Not Holland.

0:22:590:23:02

-Is it a H?

-No, it's not.

0:23:020:23:04

Well there's... The person who runs it is a double H.

0:23:040:23:08

-Oh, er, Holiness?

-Yes!

-His Holiness?

-Yes.

-The Vatican.

-The Vatican City

0:23:080:23:14

has the lowest age of consent. Age of 12 is the age of consent in the Vatican City.

0:23:140:23:19

-Gasp!

-Yes, quite!

-12?

-It's for peculiar reasons.

0:23:190:23:22

-It's because...

-I think we know what the reasons are, Stephen.

0:23:220:23:26

LAUGHTER

0:23:260:23:27

It's to do with the Lateran Treaty in which the Vatican City became a sort of sovereign state.

0:23:270:23:32

So they elected to choose the laws of Italy from 1924

0:23:320:23:36

and it so happened that then Italy

0:23:360:23:39

changed its consent from 12 to 16

0:23:390:23:42

and the Vatican didn't and they've never bothered to change it since.

0:23:420:23:45

It also has the highest crime rate.

0:23:450:23:48

Yeah. By a long way as I... What would you say its population is?

0:23:480:23:52

Five.

0:23:520:23:53

LAUGHTER

0:23:530:23:54

-Five... I'd say 800.

-500 is the answer.

0:23:540:23:58

-Yes.

-500, but there are 600 offences per year.

-What sort of offences?

0:23:580:24:03

-Well.

-Family. A really bad family.

0:24:030:24:05

They've got tyres out in the front drive.

0:24:050:24:08

If you knock on the door they knock you out.

0:24:080:24:10

Proportionately, per capita, it has the highest rate in the world.

0:24:100:24:13

-A lot of 11 year-olds getting married.

-That's what it is exactly.

0:24:130:24:18

But it has the most helipads and TV stations per capita in the world as well.

0:24:180:24:22

-It's a strange place.

-Nuts.

-Yeah.

0:24:220:24:25

The Vatican City has the lowest age of consent and the highest crime

0:24:250:24:27

rate anywhere in Europe.

0:24:270:24:29

But alas our holiday romance is nearly over. Let's see who's scored.

0:24:290:24:34

Uh. Ah! We have a clear winner.

0:24:340:24:36

A clear winner with plus seven it's Rob Brydon!

0:24:360:24:40

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:400:24:42

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:24:420:24:44

And...only 12 points behind on minus five, Rich Hall.

0:24:470:24:52

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:520:24:54

In third place on minus 22, Bill Bailey.

0:24:570:25:01

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:010:25:04

And with minus 28 is Alan Davies.

0:25:040:25:07

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:25:070:25:09

So all that's left for me to do is to thank Rich, Rob,

0:25:150:25:18

Bill and of course Alan, and I leave you with this.

0:25:180:25:20

The extremely fragile jazz singer Billie Holiday said,

0:25:200:25:23

"Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married.

0:25:230:25:26

"He was 18, she was 16, and I was three."

0:25:260:25:29

Goodnight.

0:25:290:25:31

APPLAUSE

0:25:310:25:32

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