VG Part Two QI

APPLAUSE

Well, hello.

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to QI

for a bracing dose of health and safety gone mad.

Speaking of life-saving devices, I have some here.

And I'd like you to tell me what you think they're for.

These are the real thing.

And they are there to save lives.

How would that save your life? Can you see...?

If you look... You've got to look at your neighbour to see what you look like

and see if you can work out how this can be of any use.

JEREMY: Is it for doing complicated experiments?

Not really a complicated experiment.

It's for dealing with animals that don't like being looked at in the eye.

Oh, Alan, you are on sparkling form. Absolutely right.

-What sort of animal might that be?

-A bear?

Not a bear, actually, in this instance.

-Some dogs don't like it.

-Plenty of animals don't like it.

-Ants?

Ants? Not so much ants.

It's great that you're trying.

But not ants.

-A tiger or a lion?

-It's a big primate.

-A gorilla?

-It's a gorilla.

It's a gorilla,

you'll see it has written on the side of it there, in Dutch,

"De oplossing..." And then it says, "Bokito kijker",

which means "Bokito viewer".

"Kijken" is to look.

But the trouble with these is it does look a bit like you're going, "Oh!"

Gorillas like that.

What they don't like is a long, loving look.

What happened was in Rotterdam Zoo, this gorilla called Bokito,

and a woman thought she was bonding with him,

and she would sit and smile,

and gaze lovingly into his big brown eyes, and that's the worst thing you can do to a silverback,

to a dominant male.

One day, he just grabbed her.

He leapt over, bit her 100 times and he broke many of her bones, shall we say.

She was very nearly killed. But fortunately, being Dutch...

I'd like to have a pair of these if I ever get pulled over for speeding.

"Do you know why you've been pulled over?" "I've no idea."

"Where are you? Where have you gone?"

"You big gorilla, you."

We went to the zoo, and my mate Mike, who's an odd bloke anyway,

we were in the monkey enclosure, and he was staring at a monkey for ages.

And the monkey stared back at him and went like this...

Hello!

And what did that mean, do we think?

Well, they're married now, so...

-So if you're feeling a bit tired, can you put them on upside down?

-I suppose you could.

So, for weeks and weeks, this woman had been thinking, "I'm getting on really well with this gorilla".

And the gorilla's been thinking, "I hate her."

I'm going to do something, at some point, I'm going to crack.

But did they check that it wasn't just an incredibly annoying woman?

-Tell me they didn't put the gorilla down, or anything.

-No, he was tranquillised.

After attacking her, he went into a cafe where he caused a bit of a sensation.

"Cappuccino. Don't look at me!"

"What would you like, sir?"

"Cappuccino and biscuits? Certainly, we'll bring it over.

-"No, no, it's on us."

-"I'm sorry the cappuccino isn't actually in the cup

-"but I'm not really looking properly."

-That would be a nightmare.

Because if you had those on like that, and the cappuccinos were there,

or the cappuccinos were there,

and the gorilla's going, "Why are you looking at the cappuccinos there?"

The gorilla would think you were giving him the shoddy one.

-Would dark glasses not do?

-They would, they would.

To be honest with you, David, this was more or less a publicity gimmick

by a health insurance company. It was to emphasise the fact, also,

and they gave them out at the zoo, don't look directly into the eyes of Bokito the gorilla.

The other option you have is, you don't have to wear these,

just hide under a picnic table, and you'll be fine.

-I would say so, yes.

-Why are they hiding under there?

Because there's a bloody great gorilla!

Splendid answers, all round, thank you very much.

Palmistry won't tell you your future but it can tell you your past in the form of genetic markers

that were set down while you were in the womb.

There's somebody playing with me.

-He sort of looks funny with what you're doing.

-There's a piece of wire.

-I've been goosed by the palm of a skeleton.

-I've been sitting here for 10 minutes,

thinking, "When shall I do it, when shall I do it?

"They're talking about palms, it should be now, it should be now!"

Yay!

You see? It had to end...

Oh, dear.

-Oh, dear.

-I just don't know where this goes.

"Sorry."

"Keith, man, me head's come off."

-Heavens, thank you.

-Carry on, carry on.

They actually look a little bit like the Cheeky Girls.

They do. Yes.

There's some characters behind me, shifty looking characters.

What were they up to last night?

They were up all night making a picnic table.

Before you get too insulting, they're in the studio tonight.

I just thought I would warn you.

-They were winning the Mr Handsome contest.

-That's more like it.

Were they harming horses?

-You know, when people harm horses, slash horses?

-No!

It was a night-time covert activity like slashing horses.

-Slashing goats?

-No, let's assume we wouldn't invite into the studio people who maimed animals.

Were they pretending to be gas men?

And thereby sealing the property of aged people?

No. If I told you this was in Wiltshire, would that help?

Cathedral stealing!

Grave robbing? Grave robbing's always...

They drew something rude on Stonehenge?

They drew something rude on Stonehenge?

-Crop circles!

-Oh, Alan, well done! Crop circles, absolutely right.

APPLAUSE

There they are. The equipment needed for crop circling,

a plank with rope, but what was the crop circle?

-We commissioned them.

-A QI symbol.

A QI crop circle, and they did it for us.

-It's impressive, we're rather pleased with it.

-Because QI's run by aliens.

-Would you like to see it?

-I certainly would.

-Let's have it,

-we went to the expense of having a travelling aerial shot.

-Oh!

-What do you think of that?

-Oats!

Extraordinary thing is, within half-an-hour of its completion and the dawn rising,

we were contacted.

Someone wanted to know, they said, "Is it real, or is it man-made?"

-You know the Burns address to the haggis?

-Yes, it's a poem.

It's a poem which on Burns Night, at a Burns supper, somebody would address it.

It comes in...that's obviously been cut open, as you can see.

Before it's cut, someone addresses it, and it starts with -

"Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,

"Great chieftain o' the puddin' race, Aboon them a' ye tak your place,

"Painch, tripe, or thairm. Weel are ye wordy of a grace As lang's my arm."

Bravo!

APPLAUSE

But...

There it is, being piped in.

But there's somebody I know was doing a Burns supper abroad

and they had sent the address over to Germany, and it was translated into German

but the German translated it back,

and the line instead of, "Great chieftain o' the puddin' race",

was translated back as, "Mighty Fuhrer of the sausage people."

Oh, that's fabulous.

You can't fit a square peg in a round hole,

so how would you make a square hole with a round drill?

That's the question, can it be done?

-BONG

-Yes, Jack Dee?

I would drill four small holes...don't laugh before it's happened.

I might surprise you yet. I'm thinking while I talk.

-I would drill four small holes that would describe a square.

-The corners?

-Corners.

And then with a hacksaw, I would join them, and knock the square through, and thus creating a square.

It's a way of punching a square into the surface.

But there is actually a way of using a round drill bit.

Well, my way's better.

That would have been brilliant if it had gone...woo-woo

and every word you said....

One day.

-Even the bit where you said...

-Don't laugh before you hear it.

There's a particular shape, a sort of circular triangle,

which, when it revolves, a part of it makes a square.

-A circular triangle!?

-Well...

Oh, no, no, no, this is your first time -

this sort of thing happens all the time on his show.

"It's a sort of circular triangle."

Yeah, and it makes a square.

It's not the fact that I'm boggled by that, it's the fact that

I now realise there's a possibility you could have

-a Toblerone-Rolo combo.

-Yes!

-Something you've dreamt about for years.

-A Roblerone.

Do you know what will freak you out completely, Ross Noble?

The name for this form of triangle is a Reuleaux.

It genuinely is.

LAUGHTER

I'm not joking...

I think you have to have points for that,

you somehow found a triangle that was a Rolo.

It's called a Reuleaux triangle, and it's a very particular shape.

We come on this show and we discover things,

and tonight I've just discovered that the best three words to hear

in a Geordie accent are Toblerone-Rolo combo.

Thanks, now everyone I meet's going to go,

"Could you say Toblerone, please?

"Go on, Geordie man, dance for us."

You've got to form a band now, called that.

All right, me and Cheryl Cole?

Her, me and Jimmy Nail as a trio.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the Toblerone-Rolo combo."

You've got to play the trombone.

The trombone?

My God.

Right, OK, do you want to see a picture of this Reuleaux triangle?

-Is it only available in airports?

-Let's roll it.

You see, that's a sort of round-ended triangle, there it is.

And that is the drill bit, and it is describing a square,

if you see, exactly.

Isn't that crazy?

How loony is that?

You sicken me.

I use a greasy shampoo.

-Do you?

-What do you use, Stephen?

I use a sort of normal- to-intelligent-aristocratic hair...

Did you not find when they stopped you taking your shampoo on holiday,

the first three or four hours of your holiday

you're looking around for a shampoo in Spain that suits you?

It is a nightmare, isn't it?

And I go, "Bloody Al Qaeda!"

"I don't know what greasy is in Spanish."

I've got greasy in Spanish in my dictionary,

but I can't see it on any of the shampoo bottles,

and I just think, "I'm on holiday here!

"I'm trying to relax, and I'm going round finding a shampoo that works for me!"

And that's Osama Bin Laden's fault!

And when I catch you, you're going to pay!

Wow.

It really inconvenienced me.

You've got no hair at all.

I've got thick hair!

-Where!?

-What!?

I've got lots of hair!

-I've got thick hair, that's thick!

-Yeah!

I just don't grow it.

Anyway, you're the last person to be laughing at my hair!

He's not wandering around Spain for five days looking for greasy shampoo, you weirdo!

You can just put your shampoo in your hold luggage, cut out the problem.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You can't do that.

Yes, you can.

Why have you been...?

Because I cut and run.

When I hit holiday, I don't stand around like some dummy,

waiting for the carousel to bring my bag around - I cut and run!

No, I spend five hours looking for shampoo.

I go out there and get some shampoo.

Why are you sticking up for Al Qaeda?!

LAUGHTER

What's the matter with you people?!

I'm suffering here, and you don't care, do you?

You're turning into Michael Caine more every second.

It's quite disturbing.

I've got something else to give you here.

I'm going to hand these blank £2 coins.

Just try and draw the Queen's head as she is on the coin.

-The Queen's head on a coin?

-Yeah, wearing a crown, you know, an outline.

Which way does she look?

No-one knows.

Don't ask for help.

Oi! Alan Davies, I'm going to take points away if you cheat.

How do you think I got through school?

I asked for help.

Is everyone done? Yes.

She looks like Lenny Henry on mine, unfortunately.

That's all right.

OK, done.

OK, hold them up.

I like it.

Mine looks like a triceratops.

And let's have a look at yours.

Extraordinary.

The point is, you've all - especially Bill, somehow -

you've all made the fundamental error that everybody makes,

in thinking she faces left.

-She faces right.

-KLAXON

You said left!

Because most people think that.

I'm sorry, it's too late now.

88% of people think the Queen faces left on her coins.

-On every coin that ever was stamped since she was Queen, it's always faced the right.

-Never ask for help.

Do they take it in turns? So did her father face the other way?

-Yes.

-And Prince Charles...

He's full-on with the ears like that.

They've alternated since Charles II.

But does she not face the other way on the paper money?

-No, on the stamp.

-All right.

One theory as to why 88% of people seem to think she faces left is because she does on the definitive

edition of the stamps, which we can see here. But on the other

hand, that's true in Denmark - Queen Margrethe,

they also think she faces left, but on the stamp she looks out and on the coin she looks to the right.

If you ask a Dane which way she faces on their coins, they will say, as most of us would, left.

It's something to do, probably, with right-handedness.

We just picture a profile that way.

It's really strange, cos we handle these things

every day, unless you're Giles when you have someone to do it for you.

It's bizarre that we just don't notice, isn't it?

The worst I ever saw, and it was just me and I did want to help, was on a cross-Channel ferry.

We've all been there when it's a terrible storm and everybody was being sick, really badly sick, and I

went in to the loos and you know the doors have got those sort of ships' doors so there's a lip at the bottom?

The entire lavatory was sick and, as the ship rolled, there was a man,

a businessman, you know, a suit, a tie,

respectable-looking man, lying and the sick...

Oh!

..would come across him, break over his head.

I stood at the door looking at this sight and he was being sick

and he just looks straight at me and just went,

"Kill me."

LAUGHTER

And I thought, "If I had a heart, I would."

Moving on. The point is, it isn't easy predicting what the future will look like

beyond saying that hopefully we'll all have jet packs and smoke pipes.

Sorry, did you just say Beyonce?

Probably. I usually do.

It isn't easy to predict what the future will look like beyond saying that hopefully we'll all be riding

-round on jet packs and smoking pipes.

-He said Beyonce! Did he not say Beyonce?

APPLAUSE

Where did I say Beyonce?

"Beyond saying." Oh, golly.

Oh.

-What are you actually trying to say?

-Beyond saying.

-"It's difficult to

predict what the future would be like beyond saying..." You can't say

that without saying Beyonce.

You can't! OK.

OK, I'm watching, I'm listening.

It isn't easy to predict what the future will look like beyond remarking that hopefully...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You have to get up pretty early in the morning. He's got the big money in the middle there.

Now it's time for a round of quick-fire hypotheticals.

So, all you have to do is tell me the first thing that comes into your head, basically.

Let's say you found a fallen tree in the forest.

Obviously, it fell down before you arrived, but did it make a sound as it fell?

Ooh, um... No.

KLAXON BLARES

Well, no-one's going to say yes, are they?

Yeah, you're right. Do you know where this question comes from?

-It's a famous...

-Bishop Berkeley.

Yes. If there's no-one to hear a sound, is there a sound?

It depends so much what you mean by sound, doesn't it?

-Well, there isn't because sound is the vibration of the eardrum.

-Is it?

Well, it depends, though, cos part of the

definition of sound is that there has to be a recipient for the sound.

There's the thing that makes the noise and there's the transmission of the noise and then

the reception of the noise. But if there's no reception, maybe the noise doesn't exist.

Other things are still vibrating, but whether that vibration counts as a sound or not...

The definition of sound is what happens in the ear.

-There isn't any sound if there's no-one to hear it.

-It's a mooty point.

There's the speed of sound and it's only what happens in the ear.

How do you get that speed between that and your ear?

LAUGHTER

No. I'm...

Maybe by the time that tree's fallen and you've got there, that sound's halfway round the world

and making someone else very nervous. "Argh!"

Stephen, are you sure about this?

Well, no-one is sure. That's why it's a hypothetical.

To a semanticist or a neurologist, they may say that sound is that, but

to a physicist, they would say the propagation of sound waves is sound.

Whether or not there is an ear to vibrate, it is a sound wave. And if it's a sound wave...

I disagree that they are sound waves because...

You may disagree, but that's... You're welcome to.

They only become a sound wave when there's an ear to receive it.

Do you remember we talked about that thing that really astonished me?

Did you know that light's invisible? In a dark vacuum,

if you shoot a beam of light across the eyeballs like that,

you can't see it, because you can only see what light hits.

But people said, "But that's a stupid answer because the definition of

light is something that goes into your eye and is then received.

-Until it does that, it's not light.

-Mmm.

But we have all kinds of things like, not ears, for example.

Are you saying that it's not sound if it registers on a recording device that is left there without

a human there, that it's bending the needle of a recording device?

Does the machine not hear? Is it not a sound wave that is actually causing the machine to register?

-Yes, but in Bishop Berkeley...

-I talked about you, not about Bishop Berkeley.

The point is, it's not as simple as just to say yes or no.

Go on, Stephen, go on!

You've got him! You've got him!

APPLAUSE

I've swam with dolphins as well and it is quite an extraordinary experience.

SEAN: It's terrible when they reject you.

That's horrible and all your family and all your therapists are standing on the beach

and it's freezing cold and there's loads of dolphins just pissing off back to the sea.

And then you look round and you go, "Hmm...

"I suppose we'd just better carry on with the medication, then."

No, Sean. If they rejected you...

"I mean, at least we tried.

"Can I have a towel?"

There was a Frenchman who had nothing better to do than to

electrocute people's faces, in order to make their lips turn upwards

without their eyes moving. There we are.

That's what he liked to do.

-It's a job.

-He's only ten years old, that boy.

"As you can't have real sideburns, have these electric ones."

His name was Guillaume Duchenne and he defined a true smile as having to involve the face

and the eyes and what he discovered was that you can't control your eyes, can't make your eyes smile -

it's involuntary - whereas you can make your lips smile. Here are some rather

horrifying attempts to try and make people smile.

These are all the QI researchers. Bending over backwards for the show.

It's disturbing.

Couldn't he get a different volunteer?

Poor Barry. Day 60...

Urgh! Day 61...

Uragh!

The second one from the bottom, looks like the bloke's come in from the side.

He's been surprised, I suppose.

No, there is actually, Andy, a third probe you can't see.

Mr Duchenne actually gave the numbers out. 58 is, "I forgot my mother's birthday".

61 - "Left the gas on".

That's not "Left the gas on". That's "I've just trodden on a cat and it's died".

The real smile is called the Duchenne Smile, and with only the mouth smiling, it's known

-in the trade of happiness studies, gelotology, it's known as...

-A Gordon Brown.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There have been things like yokes, you put them on your shoulders. There, look at that.

Splendid. And it's extraordinary how much they did give you a slight advantage.

It looks silly, but I find myself, more and more,

as I enter my 30s now... LAUGHTER

-..doing that.

-Yes.

And it makes a hell of a difference. Take them away, David.

Hello, David... Not yet.

-Hello, David, it's lovely to see you. Now try them.

-Sorry, what?

Put them there.

Hello, David.

-Oh, sush!

-You see. Practical proof.

He's misunderstanding, for comic effect, but it's...true.

Hello, David, lovely to see you.

It genuinely makes a difference.

It sounds much better.

That's very disorienting.

And when you talk yourself with them, you almost fall over.

So don't talk yourself like this. Also, you look like an idiot.

-I feel like I'm in front of myself.

-Yes.

What's nice is it also has a nice warming effect on the ears.

It's really a win win win win win win win, isn't it?

I find it very comforting, and also it means you can't hear

all the horrible things people behind me are saying.

You have to reverse it like that.

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

I've just had a bizarre realisation that I know loads about hedgehogs and I don't know why.

-When did that happen?

-I think it's rather nice.

-You know those tapes that you get, when you listen to them subliminally...

-During the night?

..to learn foreign languages? I think that Chinese one was a hedgehog tape.

It was, cos a hedgehog snuck in and swapped tapes.

Didn't even change tapes. It just sat by the bed going, "For many years, we were feared

and despised by the British public and then along came Beatrix Potter..."

I'll be getting you back for the cheese.

I wouldn't call your hedgehog knowledge "loads".

You know a couple of things, but compared to what you know about other stuff, it's loads.

-All right, let's compare my hedgehog knowledge with your hedgehog knowledge.

-OK.

OK, Sean, here's a chance for you to pound him into the dust.

It's a hedgehog slam down!

What do you call a baby hedgehog?

FOGHORN

Tiggy-Winkle Junior.

There is a name. Two names.

A...hoglet.

-Yes, it's the right answer!

-In your face!

In your face!

Nothing like a graceful winner, is there(?) You could have said urchin.

-They're also known as urchins.

-There's saliva coming out.

-Graham.

-Come with me, Daniel Radcliffe.

-Oh, I say.

-This did seem like a good idea. So if you want to kneel down there.

-Right.

This feels very wrong, doesn't it?

Children are watching and sobbing.

"What's he doing?!"

"He found Dorothy, now he's killing Harry Potter."

-Are you all right there?

-Yeah.

Daniel, have you finished both of the Harry Potter films?

It'll be fine, it'll be fine, it'll be fine.

They can easily finish them without you.

I'm so bad at this. I was about to lean through.

-Are you all right there? Are you comfortable?

-Yes, it's lovely, thank you.

Nothing can go wrong. Wouldn't it be awful?

We had the stuff about the bullet and soon there'll be some story -

"and then Graham got distracted by a bright light".

Have I done it..? I think I've done it all right.

You'll live on in films for ever.

DRUM ROLL

-Drum roll.

-OK, here we go.

So, three...two...

AUDIENCE: One...

Argh!

On that bombshell, ladies and gentlemen...

..it's thanks to Graham and the late Daniel Radcliffe.

Goodnight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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