H Anatomy QI


H Anatomy

Stephen Fry asks unanswerable questions about parts of the body beginning with the letter H, with Sue Perkins, Bill Bailey, Gyles Brandreth and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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Hey, hey hey hey, hey hey, hey, hey, hey,

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hey hey hey hey, and welcome to the QI H-anatomy lesson,

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where we're discussing heads, hands, hips, hearts,

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and indeed any other part of the body beginning with H.

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And joining me with scalpels at the ready are four prime specimens of the human body.

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So give a big hand for Sue Perkins!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

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And a hearty cheer for Bill Bailey.

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APPLAUSE AND HEARTY CHEERS

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And a hip-hip-hip replacement hooray for Gyles Brandreth!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Hip, hip, hooray!

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Wahey! Very good. And a hair-raising scream for Alan Davies!

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-AUDIENCE SCREAMS

-Wow.

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I like the way it stopped dead.

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That was good. And now, thanks to the handiwork of my audio elves,

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your buzzers should be ready. And Sue goes...

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-APPLAUSE

-Ooh!

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I think it was a round of applause. And Bill goes...

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-CHEER

-And Gyles goes...

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-HIP-HIP-HOORAY!

-And Alan goes...

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-SCREAM

-Oh!

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-We recorded, cleverly, the audience.

-GYLES: Isn't that clever? Wow.

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-So, let's start with H...

-This is already one of the weirdest shows I've ever been on.

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-LAUGHTER

-We try and do our best.

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-This sounds like a pensioner sitting on a bag of Rice Krispies.

-APPLAUSE

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-LAUGHTER

-You're right!

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APPLAUSE

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It's certainly not someone under 65 sitting on Rice Krispies, is it?

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Or somebody putting their fingers in a socket. Do it again.

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APPLAUSE Slow way to go, but nice!

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-Ooh, lovely.

-Easy, tiger.

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-Easy.

-Careful.

-Pleasure delay, remember?

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Well. Let's start with H for h-h-h-hands.

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What can I tell about you by looking at your palms?

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Sorry, Stephen, why did you say that in that very strange way? H-h-hands!

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Just to emphasis it begins with H.

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Like we were under any illusion that "hands" started with anything else.

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-"HANDS!"

-I was just trying to be helpful!

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-Subtitles for the hard of thinking.

-Remember who you're sitting next to.

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-Oh, yes, of course. LOUDLY:

-Hands, dear!

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ALL: Hands!

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-Hands?!

-Yes, look! At the end of your harms!

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LAUGHTER

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So, settling down, what... What can you tell about someone from their palms?

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-How long they're going to live, whether they'll get married, children...

-BILL: The future.

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KLAXON

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I didn't say "the future"! He said "the future"!

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I just joined in!

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Maybe we'll halve the forfeit between you.

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Oh, I can't believe I get...!

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But no. Empirically and obviously it's never been proved that any such thing

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could ever be demonstrated, but there are things you can tell.

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-GYLES: Forgive me. When you say it's never been proved...

-Yeah.

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-But there are people who feel they've done it.

-Feeling you've done something is not quite the same

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as empirical... Thank God you're not in the government.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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They sweat, that's all they do.

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-To varying degrees.

-But they have ridges.

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We'll ignore the lines of palmistry for the moment, but there is such a thing as palm diagnosis.

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There is a way of finding out predispositions towards

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-rather important and life-threatening...

-Oh, good God.

-..happiness-threatening illnesses.

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-Oh. It actually will spell something?

-LAUGHTER

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-"You're going to..."

-Alphabetic! "You're going to d..."

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-GYLES: And where do we see this?

-Do they swell up? Go red?

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It's the ridges of the palms.

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Who was responsible for discovering fingerprints?

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-No.

-It was a very famous scientist called Francis Galton,

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whose name was rather ruined by the fact that he believed in eugenics,

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-which was rather discredited.

-That's always a shame.

-It is.

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But he also noticed the ridges and whorls on the palm,

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and 30 years later in the 1920s it was discovered that those with Down's Syndrome

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have completely different palms from anyone else.

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And then by the 1960s, at least 20 conditions

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were shown to present themselves on the palms.

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How gullible are we?

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We're just like this, Gyles and I, like that. "Heal us!"

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-"Make us whole again!"

-There are also indications...

-"Tip us!"

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-LAUGHTER

-"We work for food!"

-Yeah.

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Going back, if I may, to the palmistry,

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all I will say is this. That you dismiss palmistry,

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but there were people 100 years ago,

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perhaps the wisest people of the time, who consulted palmists.

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Indeed there were. Including, of course, our mutual hero...

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Our mutual friend, Oscar Wilde. And Mark Twain did. Queen Victoria, I think, did. Edward VII did.

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-Gladstone.

-And they...

-Who was the palmist they consulted?

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They consulted a man... Oscar Wilde certainly consulted a man called Cheiro,

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-based on...

-Called "cheiro" from...

-From the Greek meaning hand.

-But his real name was?

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-His real name was William Warner.

-You're right. There he is.

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-He was Irish.

-He was Irish, and his great-great-grandson's brother

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married Elizabeth Taylor - Senator Warner.

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-But that's just incidental.

-No, it's good to know. He also called himself Count von Hamon.

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That's a really good answer on William Warner and superb to hear.

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Splendid answers all round. Thank you very much.

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The fact is, palmistry won't tell you your future,

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-but it can tell you your past...

-RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER

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in the form of genetic markers that were set down while you were in the...womb...

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There's somebody playing with me...

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It sort of looks funny with what you're doing.

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There is a piece of wire.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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I've been goosed by the palm of a skeleton.

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I've been sitting for ten minutes thinking "When shall I do it?

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"They're talking about palms! It should be now! It should be now!"

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Wahey!

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Oh! Oh!

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You see?

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It had to end...

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Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

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GYLES: You just don't know your own strength!

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"Sorry!"

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BILL: Keith! Keith, man, me head's come off.

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-GYLES: Oh, my heavens!

-That'll do it!

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-Carry on, carry on.

-LAUGHTER

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They actually look a little bit like the Cheeky Girls.

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LAUGHTER

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They do. Yes. Er... answer me another question.

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-Marcel Proust.

-BILL: A La Recherche Du Temps Perdu.

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Very good. Now why did Marcel Proust have such a limp handshake?

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There he is. There's Marcel.

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-He hasn't slept for five years.

-APPLAUSE

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-I feel bad saying this, but he was a known homosexual.

-He was well gay.

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Now I don't... He was well gay. But I don't want to say

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that he had the limp handshake because he was gay...

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It's like saying he... loved to buy scatter cushions and throw them around the gaff.

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I mean, it seems a really reductive thing to say. But I don't know if...

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There are types of gay who go round in muscle vests and are very butch,

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and there are types of gay, like Marcel, who are rather limp-wristed and who like ornament and design.

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He famously wrote only in a cork-lined room, he was very sensitive.

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-But...

-BILL: He was very buoyant.

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-Buoyant...

-LAUGHTER

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-Exactly! He was very buoyant.

-He could go cruising at any time.

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-He could set sail.

-He could write anywhere in the world. Oceans, anywhere.

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-HIP-HIP-HOORAY!

-Yes.

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-I'm going to offer a thought.

-Yeah.

-OK?

-Right.

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He, being gay, spent a lot of time in North Africa.

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-BILL: Tangiers?

-North Africaaaah.

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-One of the things that I discovered when I spent time in Africa...

-Are you coming out?

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Is this a coming-out statement?

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Cos if it is, that'll be the picture, so just watch out.

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Why not? Tonight could be the night, you're right.

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-I know your party's behind you.

-Indeed. LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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-It's time.

-Yes, Gyles.

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I'm going to suggest this. When I went to Africa,

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I was quite disconcerted to find that traditionally, the African handshake

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is not simply very soft, but it lingers.

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-Shake my hand.

-Oh, this is just an excuse. Again!

-No, no!

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-The injunction, Gyles!

-In Europe we shake hands... BILL: Don't touch him!

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In Europe we shake hands like that. I think in Africa, you shake hands

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-like this...and we hold there.

-Stop.

-I have a lot of experience of this.

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Stop it... He's glued me! I can't get out.

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I don't wish to name-drop, but I went to interview Archbishop Desmond Tutu

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-and he held my hand like this for a long, long time.

-Did he?

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BILL: And he was saying to his aides, "Who is this again?"

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I'm thinking that Marcel Proust spent time in North Africa and rather liked this tradition,

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and brought it back with him to Paris.

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It's an interesting idea, I have no evidence that proves it. I know that Andre Gide went to North Africa...

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That's who I'm thinking of!

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APPLAUSE

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You sweated on my hand for that?

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Andre Gide was out and proud.

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He was probably the man who invented the word "homosexual", as it were, in his book Corydon.

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And he was out. Marcel was not out.

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Marcel was embarrassed and ashamed of being gay

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and indeed, he went to brothels to try and cure himself.

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Oh, we've all tried that.

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LAUGHTER

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You heard it here first, folks.

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"The North Africans hold their hands like that, my darling."

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It's a sort of double-bluff is the only way I can explain it.

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He had a friend, a Romanian count, who said to him,

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"Look, I can teach you how to do a more manly handshake, then people wont think you're an invert."

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-As the word was then.

-Invert?

-An invert.

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-That was the gayer.

-A gayer, yeah.

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And Marcel Proust said, "No, if I do that, people will think I'm trying to look straight."

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-Whereas, if I, confidently am all limp...

-It's a double-bluff!

-A double-bluff.

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Now, to handshakes. We said that palms don't reveal personality, do handshakes?

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I don't like a feeble handshake, gives me the creeps.

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-BILL: It's not right, is it?

-I don't like a sweaty hand.

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I don't like when there's something left on your hand after...

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-Residue!

-I don't like the other hand coming in to clasp, either.

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That's a power thing.

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Isn't that like a dominance thing?

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-Is it?

-When you see people holding hands, the dominant figure, when you see them walking down the street,

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the dominant figure is the figure with the hand on the outside. Hold my hand.

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-Oh, is that right?

-Close your eyes and hold my hand.

-Not again, Gyles!

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It's over in a moment, just take my hand.

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-I'm looking away.

-All right.

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You do it, you've got to take my hand.

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Oh! You let me dominate you.

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You've let me dominate you.

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-Oh, Sue, you've let the sisters down!

-You chose, you chose!

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You chose! I just...

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Please tell me what you... You want to be submissive or dominant? I mean, with...

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Stop stroking me on the thing...

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LAUGHTER

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Who does that? Who does that? He did...he did inverted crab.

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-Earlier you said you liked it.

-No...

-You said you liked it!

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Oh, God. Oh, God. They're having a row.

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-I've now got two soiled...

-Did it tickle?

-It did tickle!

-The crazy spider.

-He did do the crazy spider.

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Handshakes do tell us a lot, don't they? Individually we instinctively respond, as we've just show.

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-I don't like a cruncher.

-Handshakes that repel us. Exactly. Paul Flynn,

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a Labour MP in Wales, actually suggested that people who gave really strong handshakes

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should be charged for assault.

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-He's not a busy man, is he?

-No.

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So anyway, Marcel Proust used a limp handshake because he wanted to conceal the fact that he was gay

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in an elaborate double-bluff.

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I want you to imagine you've been transported to the 19th century

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and the trip has given you a banging headache.

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You want to have a hole drilled in your head to get rid of the pain and the pressure.

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So where's the best place to have it?

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-Umm...

-The trepanning?

-Germany?

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KLAXON

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APPLAUSE

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I'm slightly worried they can now read my mind, these people.

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Yes, that's amazing!

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-It is new each series, I suppose.

-It basically is.

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Germany, you said, no. Germany probably not the best place.

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-The top, they trepan in the top.

-Literally, where is the best place to go?

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It's the 19th century. Should it be Europe, should it be America?

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GYLES: Harley Street.

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Harley Street was a very bad place to go.

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-They would go to...

-Margate.

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-France.

-France?

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-Didn't they, in Africa, they trepan.

-Africa, probably a better bet than Harley Street.

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But it seems that Papua New Guinea would be the best place.

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-In the 19th century, if you had this, what's the word?

-Trepanning.

-Trepanning, yeah.

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78% of those who had it done in London in the west died.

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From blood poisoning?

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But in Papua New Guinea... Yes, from cross-infections.

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Why did people keep going? Eight out of ten people die. "I'm up for it."

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It wasn't because they had a hole drilled in their head, it was because they got infected.

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What was it for, the trepanning?

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To relieve pressure, supposedly.

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It's the original form of surgery, as far as we know from archaeology, the oldest form that ever there was.

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And we know that it was, well, I wont say "successful", we know that it wasn't a failure.

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As a way of knowing that it didn't kill people which is...?

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-Some of them survived.

-A little bit of tissue grows.

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You see the skull has re-healed, because people have lived for years afterwards.

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Didn't they used to put coins in the hole and stuff like that?

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Because you're left with a big, gaping hole...

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-You are...

-You could put a dispenser in and turn your head into a Pez machine.

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LAUGHTER

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Just press your ear.

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Originally, in older cultures, you clamp the victim's head between your legs,

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and you just get a stone, a sharp piece of obsidian or flint,

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and you'd scrape on to the scalp. until it grooves and grooves. You can see this in old skulls,

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-and here, even there...

-He's not happy about that.

-He's not happy.

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The point is, in New Guinea, they used found sharp things to do the hole

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and then poured coconut milk over it, which is sterile.

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In the 19th century in Britain, they were in hospitals where all kinds of cross-infections were possible,

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and it was a lot more dangerous for that reason.

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Do you know about open craniotomies?

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Open-brain surgery where someone is conscious.

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-Why would you want someone to be awake?

-So you know that they can use their fingers...

-That's right.

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So you're not... Because we still know so little about the brain,

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there is every chance you're an inch out

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in where you're operating and you can ruin the speech or motion centre.

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There's a man called Eddie Adcock,

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I think his name was, he's quite a senior figure in the world of bluegrass music.

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He had a hand tremor and they decided to do one of these conscious craniotomies on him

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-and we have a film of it. He plays the banjo...

-No!

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..while they're operating on his brain to check they're not interfering

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with his... Can we see Mr Adcock? There he is.

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How about now? No problems?

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ADCOCK SINGS

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That's pretty astonishing, isn't it?

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-That is mental.

-I saw in Star Trek, they took Spock's brain clean out

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and replaced it with another one. They did it all...

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He lay on his back and they put a board over his head

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and a man stood behind, going... "The brain's out now.

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"The new brain's in." They took the board up and his head was absolutely fine!

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The fact is, trepanning IS the oldest known form of surgery.

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In the 19th century, you were better off having it done in Papua New Guinea

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than in the hospitals of London. How would you know if you had a shrunken head? Ah.

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I'm going to give you...

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LAUGHTER

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-Oh!

-Oh!

-Oh, yeah.

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Is it real?

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That's my question. How can you tell whether you have an authentic shrunken head?

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Oh, I see. How can you tell if you actually have a shrunken head yourself?

0:16:030:16:07

Does it come with a certificate?

0:16:070:16:09

ALL TALK AT ONCE

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Is one of these real?

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What do you know about shrunken...? Where would you get one? There are some real ones.

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-Ecuador.

-Ecuador is exactly right. This is brilliant.

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You're on fire. That is impressive.

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-Do you know the name of the tribe?

-No.

-The Shuar people.

-Shuar?

-Shuar people.

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-They are a clan...

-Bush monkeys.

-Bush monkeys!

0:16:300:16:34

Oh, look, you put this in the back of your car!

0:16:340:16:38

-Yes!

-So you think this is an early nodding dog?

-Yes.

0:16:380:16:43

-That feels like horse hair or something to me.

-It doesn't feel...

0:16:430:16:47

-It smells.

-Are they still doing it?

-Well, no, not officially. It's against the law.

0:16:470:16:51

But in every Ripley's Believe It Or Not! museum, there's at least one.

0:16:510:16:55

29, by our count.

0:16:550:16:57

Oh, that's lovely!

0:16:570:16:59

SCREAM

0:16:590:17:01

-How would you do it?

-SCREAM

0:17:030:17:06

How would you shrink a head?

0:17:060:17:08

Put it in the washing machine at a very high heat.

0:17:080:17:12

So I mean, it's a normal human head, but it's reduced to the size...

0:17:120:17:17

-Those are real size.

-You'd have to take all the skin off someone.

0:17:170:17:21

You take all the skin off in one go, including the hair. You throw away the skull and the eyes

0:17:210:17:26

into a river, if you're Shuar tribe. So you've got the skin, this whole skin.

0:17:260:17:30

Then you turn it inside out and you scrape it.

0:17:300:17:34

SCREAM

0:17:350:17:37

I didn't invent this.

0:17:370:17:38

-Get it back the right way, keeping the features as perfect as you can...

-Like skinning a rabbit.

0:17:380:17:43

Yeah. You bind the lips together, you sew them together,

0:17:430:17:46

-and sew the eyelids, right? Then you pop in hot stones and sand.

-Mmm.

0:17:460:17:54

-To give it shape?

-I'm making note of this.

-Then you simmer it.

0:17:540:17:59

-How long do you simmer it for?

-Boiling water.

0:17:590:18:02

-Gas mark 2, my darling.

-Bay leaf?

-Yeah.

0:18:020:18:06

And then you kipper it, you smoke it, essentially.

0:18:060:18:10

-Voila.

-To what purpose?

0:18:100:18:12

They're a pretty ferocious group of people, these Shuar.

0:18:120:18:15

-They're the ones who are famous...

-Oh! For the man with the molten lava.

0:18:150:18:19

Are these the cruellest people in the history of the world?

0:18:190:18:22

-They're certainly...

-I remember the teacher who taught us this.

0:18:220:18:25

He was pretty vicious himself.

0:18:250:18:27

-And there was a Spanish general who tried to tame this Shuar tribe...

-Yes.

0:18:270:18:32

They had the last laugh. They took him, they pulled open his mouth,

0:18:320:18:37

they poured molten gold down his gullet until his bowels burst.

0:18:370:18:43

-Right. Sounds like a good repayment for his greed for gold.

-Indeed.

0:18:430:18:47

-That's why they used gold.

-Indeed.

0:18:470:18:49

-Why are they so unpleasant?

-They're the tribe famous for dipping darts in curare, the poison beloved

0:18:490:18:55

-of detective writers.

-That's the one that gets your central nervous system?

-Absolutely.

0:18:550:19:00

-They've got lovely hats, though.

-It's a good look.

0:19:000:19:03

Yours are not human, they are goat or alpaca.

0:19:030:19:08

These are available in Ecuador as tourist knick-knacks.

0:19:080:19:11

So that's a goat's face?

0:19:110:19:13

Goat skin. You can usually tell, one that's done by someone imitating

0:19:130:19:18

the tribesmen has lips too neatly sown up.

0:19:180:19:21

In the originals, they were pretty basic.

0:19:210:19:24

Is it to preserve relatives?

0:19:240:19:26

It's a kind of gleeful, joyous, gloating, "I own you."

0:19:260:19:30

-Take the spirit out of you.

-But it's not a compliment,

0:19:300:19:33

-it's not, "Granny's gone, let's keep her at the end of the bed."

-Oh, no.

0:19:330:19:37

-What do you really think about Uncle Bill, Grandma?

-I hated him!

0:19:370:19:41

If you hand them back, I've got another little experiment.

0:19:420:19:45

I've got something else to give you. All we want you to do,

0:19:450:19:49

I'm going to hand these blank £2 coins.

0:19:490:19:51

Just try and draw the Queen's head as she is on the coin.

0:19:510:19:55

-The Queen's head on the coin?

-Yeah.

0:19:550:19:57

Is she wearing a crown, is she... An outline.

0:19:570:20:00

Which way does she look?

0:20:000:20:01

No-one knows.

0:20:010:20:03

No, don't ask for help! Oi!

0:20:030:20:06

Alan Davies, I'll take points away if you cheat.

0:20:060:20:10

How do you think I got through school without asking for help?

0:20:100:20:13

-Everyone done?

-She looks like Lenny Henry in mine.

0:20:130:20:17

Well, that's all right.

0:20:170:20:20

OK, done.

0:20:200:20:21

Oh, Alan's done. You...

0:20:210:20:24

Mine looks like a triceratops.

0:20:240:20:26

Let's look at yours there.

0:20:260:20:28

LAUGHTER

0:20:280:20:29

And yours? Extraordinary.

0:20:290:20:32

The point is, you've all, especially Bill,

0:20:320:20:35

you've all made the fundamental error that everybody makes

0:20:350:20:38

in thinking she faces left. She faces right.

0:20:380:20:41

KLAXON

0:20:410:20:43

Yeah, because most people think that.

0:20:430:20:46

88% of people think the Queen faces left on her coins.

0:20:490:20:52

On every coin that ever was stamped since she was Queen,

0:20:520:20:57

it's always face to the right.

0:20:570:20:59

Never ask for help.

0:20:590:21:00

Do they take it in turns?

0:21:000:21:01

-Did her father face the other way?

-Yes.

0:21:010:21:04

-And Prince Charles.

-He's straight on, with the ears, like that.

0:21:040:21:08

They've alternated since Charles II.

0:21:080:21:11

But does she not face the other way on the paper money?

0:21:110:21:15

No, on the stamp. That's one theory.

0:21:150:21:18

Whoa!

0:21:180:21:20

One theory as to why 88% of people seem to think she faces left

0:21:200:21:24

is because she does on the definitive edition of the stamps.

0:21:240:21:28

We're all familiar with that image.

0:21:280:21:30

On the other hand, that's true in Denmark,

0:21:300:21:33

Queen Margrethe, they also think she faces left, but on the stamp

0:21:330:21:37

she looks out, and on the coin she looks to the right.

0:21:370:21:40

But if you ask a Dane which way she faces, they will say left.

0:21:400:21:44

It's something to do, probably, with right-handedness. We just picture a profile that way.

0:21:440:21:49

It's really strange, cos we handle these things every day,

0:21:490:21:53

unless you're Gyles, when you have someone to do it for you.

0:21:530:21:58

It's bizarre that we just don't notice.

0:21:580:22:01

-That's all coins, is it?

-All coins with the Queen's head on.

0:22:010:22:05

-How long has that been?

-Since the beginning of time.

0:22:050:22:07

It alternates between monarchs, so her father faced left.

0:22:070:22:11

Oh, I see.

0:22:110:22:12

And his father, George V, not counting the abdication,

0:22:120:22:17

George VI.

0:22:170:22:18

If you could get all the coins of all the monarchs together,

0:22:180:22:22

alternating monarchs, and could just flick through them, they'd be...

0:22:220:22:25

It would. It would be like a tennis match. It'd be exhausting.

0:22:250:22:29

Which brings us to the unappealing nether regions of our show,

0:22:290:22:32

the place that we call General Ignorance. Hands on horns,

0:22:320:22:34

if you'd be so kind.

0:22:340:22:36

What should you do with your head if you have a nosebleed?

0:22:360:22:39

HIP-HIP-HOORAY!

0:22:390:22:42

Yes?

0:22:420:22:43

You have to answer.

0:22:430:22:45

I'm doing it.

0:22:450:22:46

You should do that with your head?

0:22:460:22:49

-Pressing...

-Your lip.

0:22:490:22:51

No, pressing the bit below the nose.

0:22:510:22:54

No.

0:22:540:22:55

Because the nose...

0:22:550:22:57

Actually, not worry. A nosebleed won't harm you.

0:22:570:23:00

OK, you might stain your clothes.

0:23:000:23:04

You might stain your clothes, but a nose bleed is all right.

0:23:040:23:07

-You could lie back.

-No!

0:23:070:23:09

KLAXON

0:23:090:23:11

Oh, you're so angry, so competitive, I like it.

0:23:130:23:15

-The point is, most people think...

-No, I remember this.

0:23:150:23:18

-Because, do you know. No!

-And you can get it in the lungs.

0:23:180:23:23

Worse than that,

0:23:230:23:24

this is why I should've remembered this. You lie back, it goes into you,

0:23:240:23:27

but you can also have a nosebleed through your eyes.

0:23:270:23:30

It is possible to have a nosebleed that comes out of these bits.

0:23:300:23:33

-An eyebleed?

-Yes,

0:23:330:23:35

but it's a misdirected nosebleed. Wrong to call it an eyebleed,

0:23:350:23:39

-cos it's coming out from the nose part.

-Just tilt your head forward

0:23:390:23:42

from now on, love.

0:23:420:23:44

So the point is, forwards, not back.

0:23:440:23:46

If it lasts longer than 20 minutes, it is very much recommended to seek medical advice.

0:23:460:23:52

And if you've caused it from anything other than the most common causes, which would be...

0:23:520:23:55

Bouncy castle.

0:23:550:23:57

LAUGHTER

0:23:570:23:58

-Classic.

-Inevitable.

0:23:580:24:01

Another one is being punched in the face. That's one, yep.

0:24:010:24:04

That can bring it on. There you are.

0:24:040:24:07

That would do it. Tilt your head forward.

0:24:070:24:10

-Can you name them? I think that's Larry Holmes and...

-Spinks, is it?

0:24:100:24:14

Ray Mercer. Merciless Ray Mercer.

0:24:140:24:17

There are various others. Blowing your nose too hard, picking it.

0:24:170:24:22

Yeah. You shouldn't tilt your head back if you have a nosebleed,

0:24:220:24:24

it can be dangerous. Tilt your head forwards and pinch your nose,

0:24:240:24:28

then eventually, after 12 minutes or so, it'll clot naturally.

0:24:280:24:31

What might happen if you swallow your tongue, however?

0:24:310:24:34

HIP-HIP-HOORAY!

0:24:340:24:36

Nothing. I don't believe you can swallow your tongue.

0:24:360:24:40

Is the right answer.

0:24:400:24:42

Absolutely.

0:24:420:24:43

APPLAUSE

0:24:430:24:45

That sort of busybody person who says "lots of hot, sweet tea"

0:24:450:24:50

when someone's fainted or had a seizure and say "do this"

0:24:500:24:53

and they pull the tongue down cos they might swallow, it's nonsense.

0:24:530:24:57

-What do they mean then?

-It might obstruct an airway, possibly...

0:24:570:25:01

-It's very rare.

-If you have a bash and you bite it or something...

0:25:010:25:05

You can bite it, yeah, but you can't swallow it.

0:25:050:25:07

There was literally this idea that it goes backwards, down your throat,

0:25:070:25:10

causes you to choke. That cannot happen. And, finally!

0:25:100:25:14

Why shouldn't you crack your knuckles?

0:25:140:25:16

Ooh.

0:25:160:25:18

Can you do lasting damage?

0:25:180:25:20

-The bone...

-HIS KNUCKLE CRACKS

0:25:200:25:22

-Oooh!

-Oh, no!

0:25:220:25:25

There's a... I think it's an old wives' tale,

0:25:260:25:29

that if you do that, it causes arthritis.

0:25:290:25:32

Because there was a famous doctor

0:25:320:25:34

called Dr Unger,

0:25:340:25:36

who believed that it did, and for 50 years, this doctor, every day,

0:25:360:25:39

cracked the knuckles on his left hand

0:25:390:25:42

-and didn't on his right.

-But the story is that his mother,

0:25:420:25:46

when he was very young, he cracked the knuckles on both hands,

0:25:460:25:49

his mother said, "You do that, you'll get arthritis."

0:25:490:25:53

And he thought, being of a scientific turn of mind...

0:25:530:25:56

-REDNECK VOICE:

-You gon' get arthritis!

0:25:560:25:58

He thought, "I'll test this by only doing it on the left hand."

0:25:580:26:03

I ain't gettin' no arthritis, and I'll show you how!

0:26:030:26:06

So he did it on his left hand only, and for 60 years he cracked,

0:26:060:26:11

and then he had various tests and there was no suggestion of arthritis

0:26:110:26:15

on the left hand more than the right. Apparently he shouted,

0:26:150:26:18

-"You were wrong, Mother, you were wrong!"

-"I wasted my life."

0:26:180:26:23

-You were wrong!

-Well, there we are!

0:26:230:26:25

That is indeed the answer. You can't get arthritis

0:26:250:26:28

from cracking your knuckles. At worst, you could end up

0:26:280:26:31

with a limp handshake, and goodness knows what impression that'll give people(!)

0:26:310:26:35

Which handily brings us to the heart of the matter - the scores.

0:26:350:26:39

And the winner, who really used his head...

0:26:390:26:41

They're two heads, because, ladies and gentlemen,

0:26:410:26:44

we have a tie for first place.

0:26:440:26:46

On -8, it's Gyles and Sue!

0:26:460:26:49

APPLAUSE

0:26:490:26:52

Oh, but missing out on a hair's breadth with -12, Bill Bailey!

0:27:000:27:06

APPLAUSE

0:27:060:27:08

Throwing his hands up in the air on -25, Alan Davies!

0:27:100:27:15

APPLAUSE

0:27:150:27:19

So all that's left for me is to thank Sue, Gyles, Bill and, of course, Alan.

0:27:240:27:29

And I leave you with this. It's an anatomy lesson.

0:27:290:27:31

In order to accustom medical students

0:27:310:27:36

to the business of getting used to dead human flesh,

0:27:360:27:40

an anatomy professor basically said to the class,

0:27:400:27:43

"Look, you've got to get used to doing this, I need one of you to come forward."

0:27:430:27:47

They were first year. Stood him by the body, said, "Do what I do."

0:27:470:27:50

He put his finger up the rectum of this dead body,

0:27:500:27:53

like that, and then just sucked it.

0:27:530:27:56

-AUDIENCE GROANS

-He said, "I know, I know,

0:27:560:27:58

"but you've got to learn how to be a doctor."

0:27:580:28:00

So this medical student puts the finger up like that.

0:28:000:28:03

He said, "The other thing about being a doctor is you must be observant.

0:28:030:28:08

"I put my middle finger up the rectum and sucked my index." Thank you and goodbye.

0:28:080:28:13

APPLAUSE

0:28:130:28:16

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0:28:200:28:23

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0:28:230:28:26

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