Hoaxes QI


Hoaxes

Stephen Fry asks unanswerable questions about hoaxes, with Sean Lock, David Mitchell, Danny Baker and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND WHISTLING

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Well!

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He...llo, there!

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Hello, there, hello, there, hello

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and welcome to QI,

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where tonight we'll be looking at all manner of hoaxes, hokum,

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hucksters and hogwash

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and to help or more likely hinder us,

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a veritable horde of hornswogglers.

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With ten top tips to increase your manhood, it's Sean Lock.

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-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

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And joining him,

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the esteemed president of the Bank of Nigeria, Danny Baker.

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APPLAUSE

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By his side, professor of hoaxology at the university of the internet,

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David Mitchell. APPLAUSE

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And believe it or not, Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE

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Now, in keeping with our theme tonight,

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one of our buzzers is a hoax,

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so see if you can tell me which one of these buzzing calls is not the mating call of a deer.

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Sean goes... DEEP ROARING NOISE

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Danny goes... ROARING

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David goes...

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AGONISED ROARING

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And Alan goes...

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-SCOTS ACCENT

-"Hullo, dear!"

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Now, starting as we mean to go on, we've actually hidden...

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-Is it Alan's?

-Yes.

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I thought it was Danny's. I was going to say Danny's, right up to my one.

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Now listen, you've got hoax cards here, jokers to play,

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because, in keeping with the theme, there will be one question which is a hoax.

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You play your hoax card and you get extra points.

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If you play it and it isn't a hoax, you lose points,

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but don't have your hoax cards unspent at the end of the game.

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-What happens?

-Well, I'm not going to tell you.

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Can we play them more than once?

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Er, you could, possibly... No.

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-Oh.

-I don't think this format has been worked out in enough detail.

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-If we can play them more than once, that's crucial.

-You can't.

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I was thinking of being generous but no.

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At the pilot of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,

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did somebody go, "And if we get one wrong, that's OK, is it?" "Yeah, that's OK.

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"Oh, hang on."

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How many lives do we get?

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Can we just do it on the first question, then none of us can lose out?

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If we all do it on the first question, we all lose points

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and then it's just done.

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LAUGHTER

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I can see I've made a terrible rod for my own back here.

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Well, erm, anyway, let's see what happens.

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There's some characters behind me, shifty looking characters.

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What were they up to last night?

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They were up all night making a picnic table.

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Before you get too insulting, they're in the studio tonight.

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I just thought I'd warn you.

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They were winning the Mr Handsome contest.

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-That's more like it.

-Were they harming horses?

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You know when people harm horses, slash horses?

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-No!

-Do they slash...?

-But it was a night-time covert activity, like slashing horses.

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-Goats. They were slashing goats.

-No. Let's...

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Let's assume we wouldn't invite into the studio people who maim animals.

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Were they pretending to be gas men

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and thereby stealing the property of aged people?

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No. If I told you that this was in Wiltshire, would that help?

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Cathedral stealing.

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Grave robbing. Grave robbing's always...

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They drew something rude on Stonehenge.

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-They drew something rude on Stonehenge.

-Crop circles!

-Oh, Alan, well done.

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Crop circles. Absolutely right. APPLAUSE

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There they are.

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The equipment needed for crop circling, a plank with rope,

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but what was the crop circle we commissioned them?

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-A QI symbol.

-A QI crop circle and they did it for us

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-and it's rather impressive.

-QI is run by aliens.

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-Would you like to see it?

-I certainly would.

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Well, let's have it. We went to the expense of having a travelling aerial shot.

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MUSIC: "The Ride of the Valkyries" by Wagner.

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-What do you think of that?

-It's a hoax!

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-We did!

-That's real? It looks like a Led Zeppelin cover.

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Oh, you've failed, I'm afraid, it was real.

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Almost within half an hour of it being completed and the dawn rising,

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we were contacted by people...

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Someone wanted to know, "Is it real or is it man-made?"

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To which the answer is... Er, both.

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I ask that about sandwiches all the time.

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But it's a rather marvellous example of a breed of phenomenon

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that has been going since when?

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-Is the farmer here tonight?

-We recompensed the farmer. It doesn't actually do much damage.

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How many mice were frightened in the making of that?

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-We can't tell that.

-I bet this is older than we suspect.

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-It's actually very recent.

-Is it?

-It is, really, yeah.

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-'80s?

-Well, '70s it began and it got more and more refined.

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-There was a man called...

-Like Pizza Express.

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There were a couple called... Yeah.

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Doug Bower and Dave Chorley admitted that they'd been responsible for most of the crop circles.

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They used to be on the news every summer.

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There would be aerial shots

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and people called cereologists believed these were the work

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of people from outer space

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or from magnetic forces from ley lines, all kinds of nonsense.

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They'd do things like they'd do a crop circle and leave a couple of scorch marks,

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from where the engine blasts off back into space.

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Where are our three here? Is that John Lundberg?

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There you are. There's John.

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Can you tell me how you did yours?

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What's the most technological item you need?

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We need a stalk stomper, which is a plank of wood and a loop of rope

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that you put under your foot to flatten the crop

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and to mark out the design, you use surveyor's tape,

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so they're very simple techniques and very simple tools.

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What about your spaceship? What spaceship do you use?

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I'm saving up for one but the fee I got for this, it's going to take a while.

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So how many do you do a year in the season?

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Er, we don't say how many we make

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but we've made hundreds over the years.

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And are there still those who refuse to believe

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that it's all hoaxers like you?

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Absolutely. They've been ringing your production office.

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-John Lundberg, thank you very much indeed.

-Thank you.

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There you are.

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Anyway, yes, far from being proof of a more intelligent life form,

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crop circles can be made using a plank of wood, some rope,

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a couple of coat hangers.

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But conversely, would you believe that they put a man on the moon?

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-Who?

-NASA.

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Oh. NASA. Yes, I believe so.

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-You believe that?

-I believe it, yes.

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Good. That's all. That's the end of the question, really.

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-But you probably know that a lot of people don't believe it.

-I sort of believe one thing.

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-Uh-oh!

-Yeah?

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I kind of believe that they might have done some mocked-up fake photographs.

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Really? Why?

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Because someone convinced me of it...

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-Yeah?

-..by talking about the angle of light and the shadows

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but then I did an advert with Patrick Moore

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and I said, "So, Patrick, did they land on the moon?" and he looked so annoyed.

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He explained how he had helped map the moon for NASA

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and the landing site was partly his idea

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and if I ever spoke to him again, he was going to be sick in my eyes.

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It... They are a rather tired of...

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Buzz Aldrin might have punched you.

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-Buzz Aldrin punched someone...

-Did he?

-..because he got so tired of these conspiracy arses.

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Actually, I think it was a television documentary about...

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There have been several.

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"This photo couldn't possibly have been taken on the moon.

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"It was obviously taken in a studio."

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You've got me started now but there are a lot of conspiracies.

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6% of Americans believe that man didn't land on the moon

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but 25% of Britons believe that they didn't, a quarter of our nation.

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-So we're...

-Not convinced, apparently.

-That's so depressing.

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The flag. It's one of the things that I read.

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The flag is another thing, yes. There it is.

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Well, obviously, they've starched the flag so they could get a good photograph of it.

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They haven't stiffened it. It's rumpled.

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There's no breath of wind out there, obviously, cos you're in space,

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which is a vacuum.

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What there is is movement. If you impart movement to something, it doesn't stop for a long time.

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There's no resistance against it. So they unfurled it and it moved back and forth.

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People said, "Ah! Breeze!"

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As if, a, they would be stupid enough to fake it

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and allow the take that had the breeze in it to go out.

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But if you went to the moon,

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the least you'd expect is a flag moving a bit strangely.

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You know what I mean?

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You're expecting to meet the Soup Dragon. "OK, he's not there."

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The flag moves a bit strangely... I can go with that.

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Why isn't one of them holding up a camera?

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The one taking the picture is reflected in the visor of the other and he's not holding a camera.

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-Like that, you see.

-Ah.

-That's because they didn't put the camera up in front of their visor.

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-They were mounted.

-You couldn't imagine them getting a camera out.

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Click, winding it on with gloves...

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-I'd like to go to the moon.

-Would you?

-I'd love to do that.

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Two of other things, in case people are saying, "You haven't mentioned the clincher."

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One was the idea that below the lunar module that landed

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there was no crater or sense of disturbed dust.

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The fact is, the engines cut off and it hovered down

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and it very quickly landed.

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And unlike in science fiction films,

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it doesn't send out spears of flame as it descends.

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That just didn't happen.

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And, of course, it was designed by geniuses

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and not people tapping away at the internet who've got to go to work in the morning. Who do you trust?

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We are in trouble as a species

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if people refuse to believe in things they couldn't actually do themselves.

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So true! That's so true. The other one was the footprints.

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"There's too much moisture because look how clear they are,

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"only caked mud could do that."

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But you can do that with flour. It's very fine ground

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and it's a vacuum again, it coheres.

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And the other thing with the mirrors, that Apollo 12 astronauts put on the moon,

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which are now used for bouncing lasers off

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for detecting, for example, how far the moon is away from us.

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You can make incredibly accurate measurements

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because of mirrors on the surface of the moon.

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Perhaps for me the clinching one is that America's enemy at the time

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in the space race was the Soviet Union

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and not once did they suggest that America hadn't done it.

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-They never said, "No, we know this was hoax."

-Yeah.

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The fact is, for every ill-conceived argument

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that the moon landings were a hoax, there's an explanation to put our minds at rest.

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Now for something closer to home.

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How would you make your house the most famous house in Britain?

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-That's easy.

-Yeah?

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You murder lots and lots of people, dismember them

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and bury them in the garden.

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-That...

-Marry the Queen.

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-You marry the Queen...

-Yes?

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..and you say, "No, love, you're not living in those palaces any more."

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You're living in 3 Ironside Crescent, Carlisle.

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OK. Those would work. Those would work.

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Some sort of spectacular suicide?

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-Mmm...

-I suppose the murdering people would work better. I was trying to make it sad.

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-But this is...

-Balloons. You tie loads of balloons and your house goes...

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Oh, that would be sweet.

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This was a bet that took place in 1810

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between Samuel Beasley and Theodore Hook,

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that Hook could make any house he chose the most famous residence in London

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in one week.

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He had a week in which to do it.

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He prepared over the week

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-but it all happened in one day.

-I've heard of this.

-Yeah?

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He started ordering goods, all kinds of different goods.

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4,000 different tradesmen and services

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in all the commercial directories all over London.

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He ordered chimney sweeps.

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First thing in the morning, there were 12 chimney sweeps arriving.

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And then more and more and more and more arrived.

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It became absolutely gigantic.

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12 coal carts, there were cake makers, doctors, apothecaries, surgeons, lawyers,

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-priests...

-We've all done this, haven't we?

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..hat makers, haberdashers, boot makers, butcher's boys,

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a dozen pianos arrived.

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The governor of the Bank of England turned up to what the fuss was about.

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It was in Berners Street, just north of Oxford Street,

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and er... There it is.

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-That sign doesn't fit that bit of wall.

-It doesn't really.

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I suppose if they put it the way it would,

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-you'd have to read it in portrait...

-It's back to the drawing board.

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-They've got that all wrong.

-Or just chill out about the whole thing.

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-You'd have folded it round, mate.

-Yeah, right.

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HE CHUCKLES

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-So it's like going on the internet and ordering the lot?

-Yes.

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-I'll have everything.

-Exactly.

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And the poor woman, whose name was Mrs Tottenham, was besieged.

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-So he didn't live there?

-No! He chose... He just chose this house. That was the point of the bet.

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"I can make that house, 54 Berners Street,

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"the most famous house in London."

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Theodore Hook bet a man called Beasley

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that he could make 54 Berners Street the most famous house in London.

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What conclusion did the great biologist Stephen Jay Gould draw

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from a lifetime's study of fish?

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-Oh.

-Yeah?

-They haven't got any legs.

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Is that his lifetime's study?

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-No. It wasn't a study of

-a

-fish.

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-He was...

-"After a while, they smell."

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He was a bit thick and he just stared at them and went, "They haven't got any legs."

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Starfish don't have brains. It's the Louis Walsh of the aquatic world.

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They don't have brains, starfish.

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And they're not really fish, to be honest.

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The word fish is in there, which qualifies them, I think.

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Is a starfish a fish? Is a jellyfish a fish?

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Is a cuttlefish a fish?

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-Is a seahorse a horse?

-But the starfish...

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There's a division, isn't there, in the world

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whether it should be down to experts in biology whether things are fish

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or whether it should be down to menus.

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-Yes!

-For example, a crayfish comes under fish on a menu...

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He looks like he's reading the sell-by date on that fish.

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-The small print. Is that him?

-Yes, he's dead now.

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He won the Nobel Prize, he was a palaeontologist and a biologist

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-and he came to the conclusion, which is?

-They can feel no love.

-No, that they...

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That there is no such thing as a fish.

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Fish has no biological meaning.

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-There is just...

-So I'm absolutely right. Go with menus.

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But on a menu a fish is not the same as shellfish or seafood, is it?

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It often comes in the same bit and separate from puddings.

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-Things that live in the sea.

-Fish and pudding are different.

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How can something not be something?

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Something can't be not be not something.

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If you've created a something, then something has to be that something

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otherwise you haven't created a something,

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so it has to be a fish if there is the idea of fish in the first place.

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I swear there's a philosophy lecturer somewhere who said...

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That's an ontological argument. Of course, we use the word fish.

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But biologically speaking, a salmon is more related to, say, a camel

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than it is to a hagfish.

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Like, there are lots of things that fly.

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A bumblebee flies, a vulture flies and there are flying lizards.

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They're not all birds

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but we call things that swim in the sea fish

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and actually, biologically, evolutionarily,

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they have absolutely nothing to do with each other at all.

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So after a lifetime's study of fish,

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biologist Stephen Jay Gould concluded there was no such thing as a fish.

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What did Nostradamus get right?

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The hat. The hat. He got the hat right. The hat's good.

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The big, big mistake - the green coat with the brown hat.

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It's crazy. The hat looks cool.

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-Who is he?

-Have you not heard of Nostradamus?

-I've heard of him. I've no idea where he lived.

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His name was Michel de Nostredame. He lived from 1503 to 1566.

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He was a Provencal apothecary

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and he did many things, including writing hundreds of quatrains,

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these four-line verses.

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Were they deliberately obtuse?

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I'm aware there'll be headlines on it

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but why were they so obscure?

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He was a mystic and I suppose he... Who knows? He got drugged up

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and he just wrote down a four-line verse of whatever he saw.

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-He was a chemist.

-An apothecary.

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-He had access to all kinds of crazy hooch.

-Exactly.

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-So he published a book of, essentially, gibberish.

-Yes.

0:17:290:17:33

-And a lot of idiots...

-Because even the people now

0:17:340:17:37

who said, "That predicts Hitler or that predicts 9/11,"

0:17:370:17:40

would think, if you bought that in 1530,

0:17:400:17:44

that's not good value for money

0:17:440:17:46

because all the things it's predicting won't happen for ages

0:17:460:17:50

and so what it is, then, is nonsense.

0:17:500:17:53

In fact, it's only use is to predict something just after it's happened.

0:17:530:17:57

Yes, because then people go, "Wow."

0:17:570:17:59

But one thing he did do that is genuine and this is the question,

0:17:590:18:03

is he did a fantastic recipe for cherry jam.

0:18:030:18:05

He read all the books and one of the books he read was about jams.

0:18:070:18:10

And his cherry jam recipe, we are assured today,

0:18:100:18:13

-is still as good as it ever was.

-Really?

0:18:130:18:16

That is the thing Nostradamus did that is provably, demonstrably and repeatedly true.

0:18:160:18:20

He also made aphrodisiac jams

0:18:200:18:22

made of sparrows' brains and all that sort of thing.

0:18:220:18:25

-But generally speaking his cherry jam...

-Was a triumph.

-It's something he got right.

0:18:250:18:29

Anyway, yes, when Nostradamus wasn't predicting stuff,

0:18:290:18:32

he was busy compiling a rather excellent collection of jam recipes.

0:18:320:18:36

-Now?

-Who's the most famous person to have been beaten... Hello?

0:18:360:18:40

Do you think that's a massive hoax?

0:18:400:18:43

Yeah. Hoax.

0:18:430:18:44

JINGLE PLAYS Oh! You're wrong.

0:18:440:18:47

Oh.

0:18:470:18:48

Davies, you idiot!

0:18:500:18:52

That was entirely true.

0:18:520:18:54

Oh, well.

0:18:540:18:55

It was too late, the question had finished.

0:18:550:18:58

No! No, no, no.

0:18:580:19:00

-It was too late.

-You stopped me.

0:19:000:19:02

So who was the most famous person to be beaten by a machine at chess?

0:19:020:19:06

-You get double points if you can name the machine.

-Me.

0:19:060:19:10

-Are you the most famous person?

-Yeah, I got beaten by a Hoover.

0:19:100:19:13

-Is that right?

-Yes.

0:19:150:19:16

Somebody left it on and it moved the pieces around and it still beat me.

0:19:160:19:20

That's how bad I am at chess.

0:19:200:19:22

The key thing in the question is not most famous chess grand master.

0:19:240:19:28

-It could be Marilyn Monroe or...

-It's not a famous chess player?

0:19:280:19:32

No. Very well worked out.

0:19:320:19:34

-There is...

-The Queen.

0:19:340:19:35

-Garry Kasparov, the great grand master...

-He lost to...

-Deep Blue.

0:19:350:19:40

-But that wasn't...

-The Queen is the most famous person in the world.

0:19:400:19:43

Did she lose to a ZX80?

0:19:430:19:45

This was someone who was more famous than the Queen in his day

0:19:450:19:48

and was bigger than the Queen, as it were.

0:19:480:19:50

Had a higher rank than queen.

0:19:500:19:53

Jesus.

0:19:530:19:55

Jesus...

0:19:550:19:56

Jesus isn't really a rank.

0:19:560:19:58

He's famous, though, Jesus.

0:19:580:20:00

-It's a rank.

-"I am Jesus."

0:20:000:20:02

-"I outrank you!"

-He's more famous than the Queen, though.

0:20:020:20:05

-Yes, that's true.

-You can't handle the truth.

0:20:050:20:08

Jesus plays chess sounds like an indie band

0:20:090:20:12

or it will be.

0:20:120:20:14

-Napoleon.

-Napoleon is the right answer.

0:20:140:20:17

Do you know what the machine might have been?

0:20:170:20:20

-Was it some sort of clever wind-up automaton?

-It was an automaton

0:20:200:20:25

and it was unbelievably clever.

0:20:250:20:26

It was called the Mechanical Turk

0:20:260:20:28

and the Turk was made of machinery

0:20:280:20:31

and you would open the doors, rather like a magician, showing it was empty,

0:20:310:20:36

though in fact, there would be a man inside who was a chess master.

0:20:360:20:40

He would manipulate the machinery to make the Turk pick up and move the pieces.

0:20:400:20:44

So it was a genuinely astonishing piece of machinery

0:20:440:20:48

that unfortunately burned in a fire in 1854.

0:20:480:20:51

Napoleon rather fancied himself at chess

0:20:510:20:53

and of course, being Emperor, I daresay nobody ever dared beat him,

0:20:530:20:57

so he was extremely annoyed to be beaten in 19 moves

0:20:570:21:01

by this machine.

0:21:010:21:02

So, yeah. And many others were beaten, you might like to know.

0:21:020:21:05

Benjamin Franklin, who was in Paris at the time

0:21:050:21:08

as ambassador for the newly formed United States.

0:21:080:21:11

What was the deal with it?

0:21:110:21:13

-They were unaware that there was a grand master inside?

-Yeah.

-OK.

0:21:130:21:16

They thought it was a machine. Charles Babbage was beaten by it.

0:21:160:21:20

He's the father of computing. He invented the difference engine.

0:21:200:21:24

Maybe if he'd known there was a man inside,

0:21:240:21:26

-he would never have invented the difference engine.

-Exactly.

0:21:260:21:30

But it was the sensation of the age, a remarkable thing.

0:21:300:21:33

The Mechanical Turk.

0:21:330:21:34

A manned automaton that beat Napoleon at chess, amongst other people.

0:21:340:21:38

But enough hoaxes. It's time for some general ignorance.

0:21:380:21:41

So, fingers on buzzers, if you please.

0:21:410:21:43

How can you tell if someone is lying?

0:21:430:21:46

"Hello, dear!"

0:21:460:21:47

Sweaty palms, their pulse starts racing,

0:21:490:21:52

their heartbeat goes faster, their sphincter...

0:21:520:21:55

If they clench up their sphincter...

0:21:550:21:58

Let's suppose you haven't got a finger on their sphincter... DEER BELLOWING

0:21:580:22:02

..and you aren't holding their hand. Yeah?

0:22:020:22:04

-What they've said turns out not to be true.

-Yeah.

0:22:040:22:06

APPLAUSE

0:22:090:22:10

Yay!

0:22:100:22:12

-Hello!

-"Hullo, dear!"

0:22:130:22:15

They work for an estate agent's.

0:22:160:22:18

APPLAUSE

0:22:190:22:20

Oh! Is there a bitterness behind that?

0:22:220:22:24

No, it's just an observation.

0:22:240:22:26

-Is it something physical?

-It is but not tactile. You can't touch them.

0:22:260:22:32

Is it the thing, and I fear claxons,

0:22:320:22:34

but is it something about whether when they're just about to think about it,

0:22:340:22:38

they look up left instead of up right

0:22:380:22:40

or up right instead of up left or something like...?

0:22:400:22:43

CLAXONS HOWL

0:22:430:22:44

-Yes! You were right to fear claxons.

-Yeah, I was.

0:22:440:22:47

-I think I know what it is.

-Embrace the claxon.

-I'm trying to.

0:22:470:22:51

As they're about to deliver the crucial detail, they go,

0:22:510:22:54

"Yeah, well, it's about, ooh, er..."

0:22:540:22:58

"l-l-l-l...

0:22:580:23:00

"Let me... T-t-t-t-t-t-t...

0:23:000:23:03

"About ten. About ten, I reckon. I mean..."

0:23:040:23:06

Sean, you are more right than David by a long way.

0:23:060:23:10

The point is it's very hard to see if someone's lying.

0:23:100:23:13

There's nothing in the body language or the face or the eyes,

0:23:130:23:16

nothing in the nose touches, the things that people think are to do with it.

0:23:160:23:20

It's all to do with how they're speaking.

0:23:200:23:22

-Is this why it's easier to tell if someone's lying on the phone than face to face?

-Exactly so.

0:23:220:23:28

They tested over 20,000 subjects,

0:23:280:23:30

showing them videos of people telling the truth and lying.

0:23:300:23:33

They found that people performed no better than chance.

0:23:330:23:36

Not only that, so-called experts -

0:23:360:23:38

polygraph operators, police investigators, judges and psychiatrists,

0:23:380:23:42

returned the same result.

0:23:420:23:44

But if you do it just on sound alone, people are much more accurate.

0:23:440:23:48

About 73% accuracy listening to lies.

0:23:480:23:51

So the thing to do is shut your eyes.

0:23:510:23:53

-Is that man going to shoot him?

-It's a very early polygraph.

0:23:530:23:57

-It does look rather bizarre, doesn't it?

-Right. "Name?" "John."

0:23:570:24:01

"Wrong." Boom.

0:24:010:24:02

Presumably that means it's easier to dupe the deaf than the blind.

0:24:030:24:08

-Which isn't what you'd think.

-No, it isn't. That's true.

0:24:090:24:12

Having said all that I've said, Dr Ekman, a leading researcher, claims

0:24:120:24:16

that 50 out of 20,000 people do have a natural ability to detect lies

0:24:160:24:20

by actually looking at expressions.

0:24:200:24:22

It is very, very few people.

0:24:220:24:24

He named them the truth wizards

0:24:240:24:26

and they're able to read micro-expressions that last milliseconds

0:24:260:24:30

in ways that others aren't.

0:24:300:24:31

So, there you are.

0:24:310:24:32

Most people can't tell if you're lying

0:24:320:24:35

but they'll have a better chance if they focus on your speech.

0:24:350:24:38

What's the one thing you know for sure about oranges?

0:24:380:24:41

-They're orange.

-They're orange?

0:24:410:24:43

CLAXONS GO OFF Oh! That's the problem.

0:24:430:24:47

There are red ones and most of them aren't orange, in fact.

0:24:470:24:51

I know. Supermarkets tend to use a gas to de-green, as they call it,

0:24:510:24:55

to take the chlorophyll out,

0:24:550:24:58

because we shoppers prefer to see an orange skin.

0:24:580:25:01

In warm countries, oranges are actually green.

0:25:010:25:06

And there you can see how green they are.

0:25:060:25:09

Do you know where the word comes from or what the original word was?

0:25:090:25:13

-It's naranja.

-Naranja. That's the Spanish for orange.

0:25:130:25:16

The original naranja is Sanskrit

0:25:160:25:18

and what happened, as words do, it loses the N.

0:25:180:25:21

So you get an orange, a "norange",

0:25:210:25:24

and we think, "Oh, that 'a norange' must be 'an orange',"

0:25:240:25:27

but in fact it was a norange, like a nadder was a snake.

0:25:270:25:31

The French say "orange", don't they? It should be called a nanorange.

0:25:310:25:36

-Just a norange would do.

-A norange?

0:25:360:25:38

-Norange juice.

-Norange juice, yeah.

0:25:380:25:41

That'll do it. Well done.

0:25:410:25:42

Should an apple be called a napple?

0:25:420:25:44

No, it doesn't work with apple.

0:25:440:25:47

There must be... A napron, for example.

0:25:470:25:49

-A nau pair.

-No, that's just silly.

0:25:490:25:52

But er...

0:25:520:25:54

It works with a nadder. That's now become an adder but is was originally "a nadre."

0:25:540:25:59

An adder. Right.

0:25:590:26:00

And an ick name.

0:26:000:26:03

Your ick name, nickname, it became a nickname

0:26:030:26:06

but it was originally an ick name.

0:26:060:26:08

-What's an ick...?

-It became a nickname.

-Right.

0:26:080:26:11

A nickname is a name you give someone that isn't their real name, Sean.

0:26:110:26:16

-What was it called before?

-Ick name.

0:26:160:26:19

What does that mean, an ick name? Where does that come from?

0:26:190:26:22

-That's not a fruit.

-No! Arrgh!

0:26:230:26:27

APPLAUSE

0:26:270:26:28

Oh, man.

0:26:290:26:31

Heaven help us all.

0:26:310:26:32

Oranges are not necessarily orange

0:26:320:26:35

and there's a good case for saying that they started as greens.

0:26:350:26:38

What do swimming pools smell of?

0:26:380:26:40

-Hmm.

-Children.

0:26:400:26:42

Probably true.

0:26:440:26:45

-The answer I suspect you're looking for...

-"Hello, dear!"

0:26:450:26:49

..is chlorine.

0:26:490:26:50

CLAXON SOUNDS Ow!

0:26:500:26:52

I bet they don't even put chlorine in them.

0:26:520:26:54

You don't smell the chlorine.

0:26:540:26:56

In fact, if there is that smell that we don't like,

0:26:560:26:59

the way to get rid of it is to add chlorine.

0:26:590:27:01

-Chlorine reacting with urine.

-Yeah.

0:27:010:27:04

Chloramines are formed by sweat and urine and faecal matter

0:27:040:27:09

and lots of other horrible things in swimming pools added to chlorine.

0:27:090:27:12

To get rid of them, add chlorine.

0:27:120:27:14

So before I make up your scores,

0:27:140:27:17

I should tell you that not one of you managed to identify the hoax

0:27:170:27:21

because the idea of the hoax was itself a hoax.

0:27:210:27:23

There was no hoax. GROANING

0:27:230:27:26

APPLAUSE

0:27:260:27:28

This... This is an outrage. This is like the end of Lost.

0:27:320:27:37

It's endearing how much it matters to them.

0:27:370:27:39

So everything you heard was as true as trousers.

0:27:390:27:42

So the winner tonight...

0:27:420:27:44

Wow! A-ha!

0:27:440:27:45

The winner tonight with an impressive minus one is Sean Lock.

0:27:450:27:49

-APPLAUSE

-Oh, I won?

-You won.

0:27:490:27:52

-And...

-You won this discredited show.

0:27:530:27:56

..second with an improbable minus 13, is David Mitchell.

0:27:560:28:00

APPLAUSE

0:28:000:28:01

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

0:28:040:28:06

Third with a pretty good minus 14, Danny Baker.

0:28:060:28:10

APPLAUSE

0:28:100:28:11

And last with a surprisingly convincing minus 38, Alan Davies.

0:28:120:28:16

-Thank you very much.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:160:28:19

Thanks to David, Danny, Sean and Alan. I leave you with an observation from Will Rogers.

0:28:260:28:30

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

0:28:300:28:34

Thank you and goodnight. APPLAUSE

0:28:340:28:36

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0:28:550:28:57

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0:28:570:28:59

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