H Animals QI


H Animals

Stephen Fry asks unanswerable questions about animals which begin with the letter H. With Ruby Wax, Ross Noble, Sean Lock and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, how do you do, how do you do, how do you do, how do you do?

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Welcome to the QI zoo for a show about animals that start with an H.

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Lined up for feeding time, we have the hawk-eyed Sean Lock!

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Thank you. Thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-The hare-footed Ross Noble...

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The heavily-petted Ruby Wax!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And the hung like a horsefly Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Now...

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Let's have a peep at your horns. Sean goes...

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MELODIC TONE PLAYS

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Ruby goes...

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SQUEAKY HONKING

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Oh, what's that? That's a woman sound.

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-Ross goes...

-FOGHORN BLARES

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And Alan goes...

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PRETTY TUNE FADES TONELESSLY

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-Oh.

-LAUGHTER

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Where better to begin than question one?

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We start with an opportunity for easy points.

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-Two points for each animal you can name that has horns.

-SQUEAKY HONKING

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-Yes?

-OK, goat, elk,

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buffalo, ox,

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-Dixon, Prancer, Rudolph...

-LAUGHTER

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Cats who dress up as devils on Hallowe'en.

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Um... Oxen, did I say that?

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Goats. My mother.

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Unicorn!

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-KLAXON BLARES

-Unicorn, no!

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-Why?

-Rhino.

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KLAXON BLARES

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-Antelope!

-Cat!

-Antelope is fine.

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-I already said cat!

-What about a Viking dog?

-There we go.

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Cos it would have the horns.

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It might!

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Strictly speaking, I know you'll say the Vikings didn't have horns on.

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The point about a horn is that it must be bone. Technically,

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a horn is bone, not what a rhino has, which is...?

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-Hair.

-Hair, exactly.

-Tell that to the rhino.

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-Exactly.

-I think you'll find it's a horn.

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I don't know if you've ever seen a wet rhino,

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but it actually just flops down, like that.

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Quite often, you'll find, on nature programmes,

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when you zoom in on the sound,

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you hear them going, "Oh, I'm having a bad horn day!"

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-I've got split ends!

-I thought it was like a fingernail.

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-A what?

-Made out of toenail?

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That's the same thing as hair.

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Your nails and your hair - keratin.

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Oh! I had no idea.

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If we let it just go, eventually, we would have a horn?

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Humans can have horns, funnily enough.

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There was a late 18th-century nun who grew a horn.

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Her nunnery was invaded by Napoleonic troops.

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She grew that horn, specifically to ward off people attacking them?

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She went, "Let's not get spears and knives..."?

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She was locked in an asylum and banged her head, regularly,

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against the wall or table and she started to grow a horn.

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-It was a most peculiar thing.

-Brilliant! I'm doing it.

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Just carry on.

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She eventually had it cut off, cos it was going into her eye.

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What a waste! She should've had a Bible with a hook on it

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and she could've hung it there and then she'd be peeling potatoes,

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reading the Bible.

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LAUGHTER

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You're right.

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They should have that on QVC.

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"Are you sick of not being able to read the Bible

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"whilst doing domestic duties? Try banging your head off a wall.

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"It works for nuns. Eight out of ten nuns prefer it."

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That drawing doesn't seem to be the most convincing evidence.

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That sounds like there's a picture and someone thought, "I won't do a Hitler moustache.

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"I'll stick a horn on her!"

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But that looks less like a horn, more like she's put half a croissant.

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-It does!

-It's like all that banging...

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The Mother Superior should've just said, "Just cut half a croissant."

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Little bit of jam and that would've done the job.

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Instead, she went, "Dur!" and stabbed herself in the hand.

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SEAN: Is an antler a horn?

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-Yes.

-Ah, no.

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An antler is different. Why is an antler different?

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It's made of wood.

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-An antler's different cos it's shed.

-It's shed?

-Yes, every year.

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-What do they keep in this shed?

-Ah, no! They shed.

-They keep their antlers in a shed?

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I know so little!

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-So, when they two horned creatures are going at it...

-Locked.

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-When they lock horns.

-Does that ever happen with nuns?

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One of them goes, "That's mine." "It's not!"

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HE TRUMPETS

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I'd pay... I'd walk a mile on broken glass to see that.

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I'd be there. I'd also pay to hunt them as well.

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Imagine that, going on a nun hunt!

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Some men fantasise about two nuns locking horns. That's sexy.

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That animal on the left, I hope it's called the Mr Whippy goat.

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LAUGHTER

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Whoever named it missed a real opportunity.

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-I doubt it is called the Mr Whippy goat.

-It's more of an antelope than a goat.

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The animal on the left, would you say that it's evolved

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to have some kind of fear of sound?

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Yes! They are big receptors.

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Aware that perhaps its predators may sneak up on it.

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LAUGHTER

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It is blessed, it is a nervous creature.

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The Princess Leia of the moose world.

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"We'll need bigger ears, cos they're still sneaking up on us."

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Those are all proper horns there, on the antelope,

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-on the horned toad and on the... What's the other one?

-Buffalo.

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-Yes.

-I think the buffalo's horns evolved so nobody took it seriously.

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-Yes, they look upside-down, or something.

-So sad and pathetic. And then nobody would attack it,

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they'd just laugh at it and go, "Oh, you're been lumbered, mate!"

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They just evolved living in a field with quite a low gate.

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Yes!

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Ah, the horns have caught on the gate again.

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How comes, over years of evolution, you've got an animal like that,

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with those sorts of horns and no animal has developed quoits?

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Are you speaking English?

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-Did you just say to him, "Are you speaking English?"

-Yeah, I've never heard it.

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-Have you never heard a Geordie accent before?

-Not from something with hair that's never been combed.

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LAUGHTER

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I'd just point out, I am part of the show. I'm not on the screen.

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OK. I thought that was...

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You're sat there, going, "What the hell is that thing?!"

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LAUGHTER

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-I figured you just banged your head, constantly.

-I'll come at you like a nun!

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I can see where he's a shock to a delicately nurtured creature.

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That's one of the worst threats I've ever heard! "I'll come at you like a nun!"

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"Would you like a sweet?"

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I think I've got a new catchphrase now!

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Excellent, well, well done everybody.

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Many things that we call horns actually aren't.

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What would happen if you threw a hippo in the deep end of your local swimming pool?

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It would sink.

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-It would sink.

-Yeah.

-In the winters, I live in Miami

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and they all look like that. But they have lipstick on,

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-so nobody would bat an eye.

-They wouldn't.

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They walk along the bottom, that's what they do.

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That's exactly what they do. What hippos don't do is swim.

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But it's not the first thing that would happen.

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-You'd get your swimming card revoked, would be the first thing.

-Yes!

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Also, Ross, I think there'd be a huge sense of relief

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that you'd finally got rid of the hippo,

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got through the turnstiles with it, through the changing rooms, and then you think,

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"Oh, Christ, at least I've bloody done it!

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"Oh, dear, wait till the guys hear about this!"

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Probably take the traffic cone off your head.

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So, this one would die, cos he's got floaties on.

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-And, actually, they need...

-That is a mistake. They can float,

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and they can drop to the bottom. What they can't do is swim.

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Is do the backstroke.

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-Which is why that ident on BBC One, where they swimming in a circle...

-All wrong.

-Factually incorrect.

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-They're doing a sort of doggy paddle, aren't they?

-A lot of EastEnders isn't true either.

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LAUGHTER

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That's ridiculous!

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APPLAUSE

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How, then, do they get out of a river?

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-A small boy in pyjamas dives in and saves them.

-No, they walk along the bottom,

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-or bounce and stride...

-Oh, I know!

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-They fill their lungs and float to the top.

-No, they just walk to the shallow part.

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Sometimes they carry a small thing of helium. They get to the surface,

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then just keep going.

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-They certainly can't use a ladder!

-No, you're right.

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You said that with anger, like, "Bloody hippos!"

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Like you've paid a few of them to do some decorating.

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And they were just sat round, smoking.

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"Can't even use a bloody ladder! I'm sick of it."

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The fact is, they just walk up the shallow bit, to get onto land.

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How many teeth does a hippo have?

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MELODIC TONE PLAYS

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A full-grown one has 40. And the reason I know that's a fact

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is I got asked a question by my daughter the other day,

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"Dad, how many teeth has a hippo got?"

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and I went, "Let's go over to this little bit of equipment here..."

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Are you sure you didn't go, "Well, I'd tell you, but I just pushed my last one into a swimming pool."

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They always have those photos with the massive mouths open,

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-and there's two at the top and two at the bottom.

-That's it.

-No.

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LAUGHTER

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It said that a full-grown hippo has 40, minimum of 40.

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-Is that Wikipedia?

-No. No.

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It was hippoteeth.com.

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Now, the hippo is not afraid of predators sneaking up on it.

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No. Smaller ears.

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-Tiny little ears, barely needs them.

-That's right.

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"What could we hear that would bother us?"

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They're very hard to shoot. Why would that be?

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-Underwater?

-No, it's their...

-Oh, they've got...

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They've got night vision goggles. LAUGHTER

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-They can go underground? They can fly?

-Their skin.

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Their hide is unbelievably thick. Their skin weighs a tonne.

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It's a quarter of their whole body weight is their hide.

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It's unbelievably thick. Most bullets would bounce off, or at least fall down, not penetrate.

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Don't give him ideas. He's already pushing them into swimming pools!

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He's in the water.

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Looking at those light patches round the eyes - has it been on a sun bed?

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People often think do they get, somehow, sunburn?

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-They do.

-They get very red.

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And it looks like sunburn to us,

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but actually, they give off a red oil.

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People genuinely used to think they bled through their skin.

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He puts his ears over his eyes, like that, look.

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What would that be doing for them?

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LAUGHTER

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It keeps their skin moisturised.

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Right, well, moving on...

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Hippos can't swim, but they can float.

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If you threw one in the deep end, it would likely allow itself to sink to the bottom,

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before walking to the shallow end. What's the point of having a head like a hammer?

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Oh, my LORD!

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-Oh, my gracious.

-You mean like a shark?

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-Yes, like a shark.

-Like a shark.

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I know that one.

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When they approach it, I imagine most creatures who approach it don't recognise it as another creature,

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till they get round the side. Whoops, too late!

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Or it's pulling a face, then God said, "If you do that one more time, It's going to stick."

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-Their eyes are on the end, aren't they?

-They've got eyes on the end.

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It's not fully understood, to be honest,

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but it certainly gives it an extraordinary depth perception,

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-to have eyes that far apart.

-It's a bottom feeder.

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-I like to talk about bottom feeders.

-Do you, Ruby?

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-Somebody's got to do it.

-Yep.

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They're like hoovers, hoovers of the sea.

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They eat flatfish and stingrays that live on the bottom that often camouflage themselves under sand.

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How do they detect things that are camouflaged? Not with their eyes.

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With their fins. They go like that. LAUGHTER

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-They have things called...

-Do they smell everything?

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They have ampullae. A lot of sharks do.

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-And it smells?

-No, they detect electrical movement,

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so sensitively that the electrical movement you or I make by operating our muscles,

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they could detect that.

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And they detect it in a shifting fish.

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It seems that gives them a really impressive...

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Rather like a sort of long radar antenna.

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-So you'd really mess with their heads if you chucked in a toaster?

-Yes!

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Cos the trouble with a hammerhead shark is, it's very hard to do a double take.

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Ooh, me neck!

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It's a comic nightmare.

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I've just realised what's missing from your average shark.

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They haven't got any lips.

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No, they haven't.

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-That's why they look so hideous.

-It does give them a nasty look.

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If you gave them collagen, a bit of colour, they'd look quite attractive.

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They would indeed.

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-Much more sinister if a shark came up to you, before it bit you, it went, "Mwah!"

-What about their teeth,

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Sean, as you are an expert on animal teeth?

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-Yeah. How many teeth?

-Do you know about shark teeth?

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Have you got a computer? I can check it for you.

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Sharks' teeth are interesting. They have a row of teeth and then they have teeth behind...

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-They come forward, when they lose them.

-That's it.

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They lose a tooth and another one comes forward, like a conveyer belt.

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-With dolphins, sorry to go off of sharks...

-It's fine.

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They detect when something's dying.

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That's how they figure out to go for it.

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I went swimming with one.

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They say, "If you have false breasts, don't go in, cos it'll ram you over and over again."

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Sometimes kids who are disabled go in,

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-and then it nudges them.

-With sharks?!

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-Not with sharks.

-We're on dolphins.

-Oh, sorry, I missed that.

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I thought you were putting disabled kids in with sharks!

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I was thinking, "What sort of charity is this?!"

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LAUGHTER

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I'm going to give them some money!

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They have been known to save people, haven't they?

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Nudge people to shore who are in trouble?

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There are stories going back to the Ancient Greeks, of course. I've swum with dolphins as well.

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It is quite an extraordinary experience.

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SEAN: It's terrible when they reject you.

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That's horrible.

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All your family and therapists are standing on the beach...

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It's freezing cold and there's loads of dolphins,

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just pissing off back to the sea.

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Then you look round, and you go...

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"I suppose we'd better just carry on with the medication, then?"

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LAUGHTER

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If they rejected you, Sean...

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LAUGHTER

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"I mean, at least we tried."

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LAUGHTER

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"Can I have a towel?"

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Sean, if they rejected you, it's because you're strong and whole.

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They're not interested in fit people.

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They're drawn towards the weak and the disadvantaged -

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you're clearly totally fit.

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I was talking to a marine biologist, who basically said,

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"Oh, they're these amazing creatures and you can swim with them.

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"Actually, they're a bunch of fighting, rag-tag..."

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If you see proper wild dolphins, they've got lumps out of them, bits missing...

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I love the idea that people are going, "I want this amazing experience..."

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Serene and mystical and lyrical...

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When actually, it's just like being chucked in with a bunch of wet skinheads.

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-Yep.

-Get in there!

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And they bully each other. And they attack porpoises.

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How do they tell each other apart?

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-In the same way that anyone else would!

-No, no,

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That's a good question. How do ants tell...

0:15:510:15:55

when they meet a beetle, that it's not an ant? How do they know?

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You meet a beetle, go, "All right?"

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how does it know? Cos they can't see, can they?

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Ants can't see.

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-Yes, they can!

-Oh, go back to school, Stephen!

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LAUGHTER

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Maybe I'm going on the wrong website!

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-I think you might've been!

-It's Jordan's Animal Facts I'm going on.

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LAUGHTER

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"Ask Jordan." That's where I get my animal information.

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It's not often I find myself in a group of people

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thinking I'm the most normal, sane and balanced person there,

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but I'm happy to feel that today.

0:16:320:16:33

Nobody really knows why hammerheads have such odd heads, but it seems it allows them to detect more food.

0:16:330:16:39

Why is it hard to hang on to a hagfish? There's a hagfish.

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-I know.

-Yes?

-It releases mucous.

-The hagfish?

-To defend itself,

0:16:430:16:48

which works in real life.

0:16:480:16:49

If anybody ever comes at me, I just sneeze at them,

0:16:490:16:52

-and they back off.

-I don't think you could produce the kind of slime

0:16:520:16:56

that a hagfish could produce.

0:16:560:16:57

You don't know me. I'm very young and fertile.

0:16:570:17:00

Have a look at a hagfish releasing slime and tell me you could produce as much.

0:17:000:17:05

That is producing that. It can turn a bucket of 20 litres

0:17:070:17:12

of water into slime in minutes.

0:17:120:17:15

I actually think... I think my baby daughter might be a hagfish.

0:17:180:17:23

LAUGHTER

0:17:230:17:25

Cos that's nothing.

0:17:280:17:32

To be honest with you, I've got that on my trousers every morning.

0:17:320:17:38

It also can tie itself into knots, which is another impressive thing.

0:17:380:17:41

It literally does a slipknot or an overhand knot.

0:17:410:17:44

-It's quite bizarre.

-Given the choice,

0:17:440:17:46

if I had to have special powers, I'd like to be bitten by one of them.

0:17:460:17:50

Because excreting mucous would be...

0:17:500:17:53

Spider-Man is all very well - do a bit of climbing and that.

0:17:530:17:57

Imagine if you were just sat in a chair and someone went, "Do your thing," and you just went...

0:17:570:18:01

-That would be fantastic!

-It'd be brilliant.

0:18:010:18:05

If somebody tried to get you in a headlock, you'd just go...

0:18:050:18:08

Voomf!

0:18:080:18:10

-That's what it does.

-Ross, superheroes are meant to help people.

0:18:100:18:13

How would you help people with this?

0:18:130:18:16

Spider-Man helps people. How would you help people with this mucous?

0:18:160:18:19

"There's a child, it's got its head in the railings." Vmfff.

0:18:190:18:22

LAUGHTER

0:18:220:18:24

"Oh, no! This..." APPLAUSE

0:18:240:18:27

That one. Or...

0:18:290:18:31

Yeah, that's a really good comic book story, isn't it?!

0:18:310:18:35

This gravy is unnecessarily runny. Vmfff.

0:18:350:18:39

Hagfish are hard to hold because they tie themselves in a knot and ooze slime in all directions.

0:18:390:18:44

How would you collect the snot from a sneezing humpback?

0:18:440:18:48

-Is mucous our word of the day?

-No, just linked.

0:18:480:18:51

-They sneeze through their blowhole.

-They don't sneeze,

0:18:510:18:55

they can't sneeze, but they breathe out. When you see a humpback whale breathing out,

0:18:550:19:00

it is breath. It contains mucous.

0:19:000:19:03

-So, who collects it?

-A scientist interested in monitoring

0:19:030:19:09

the health of a humpback. Why is it important to see whether humpbacks have got colds or flu?

0:19:090:19:14

-Because a sick one, you can push it towards the Japanese.

-No, no!

0:19:140:19:18

-Because...

-LAUGHTER

0:19:180:19:20

Then they go, "Oh, we'll have that one and knock off early."

0:19:200:19:24

No, because, like birds, like pigs, they get flu that jumps species to man. And if that flu

0:19:240:19:32

-jumps to us, which is possible...

-That'd be a nightmare!

0:19:320:19:35

-It's a whole new genetic code.

-Well, not just that.

0:19:350:19:38

Think at the waiting room at the doctor's!

0:19:380:19:41

You'd be squashed against the wall like that, he'd be there...

0:19:410:19:44

When you get bird flu, you don't get all small and grow wings.

0:19:440:19:48

To get a flu is not the same as to turn into the animal.

0:19:480:19:52

No, but what I'm saying is if that humpback whale has got the flu,

0:19:520:19:56

-he's taking up all the chairs...

-Oh, I see!

-All the pensioners and me are pressed against the wall.

0:19:560:20:01

We'll have to encourage the whales to ring NHS Direct.

0:20:010:20:05

The only trouble with that is, NHS Direct pick up the phone

0:20:050:20:10

and think it's a fax machine. HE IMPERSONATES A WHALE

0:20:100:20:12

It's true!

0:20:120:20:16

"Wrong number again!" and the whale's there, going, "I'm really ill

0:20:160:20:20

"and they won't let me come down the doctor's, cos I take up too much room.

0:20:200:20:24

"And I keep knocking the posters off the wall, with me barnacle arse."

0:20:240:20:29

LAUGHTER

0:20:290:20:32

If I can just guide you away for a moment, towards that snot.

0:20:320:20:35

How do you collect it?

0:20:350:20:37

With a bag over its head, an ordinary bag from Greggs?

0:20:370:20:41

It has to be from Greggs?

0:20:410:20:43

-It has to be.

-You put pepper in the hole?

-It started...

0:20:430:20:47

Karina Acevedo-Whitehouse, her name was, a researcher

0:20:470:20:52

who was very much a specialist.

0:20:520:20:53

She used to have a Petri dish on the end of a stick

0:20:530:20:56

and try to get it through the plume, but it was too difficult.

0:20:560:20:59

-There was too much turbulent water.

-She swims next to it?

0:20:590:21:02

Originally, but what does she do now? She's got a really good system.

0:21:020:21:06

-Big condom over the top of the hole?

-A remote-control toy helicopter,

0:21:060:21:12

that flies... There.

0:21:120:21:14

-There it is, isn't that perfect?

-Collecting it.

0:21:140:21:17

If you're going to be a scientist, specialising in collecting snot...

0:21:170:21:20

Has she come up with anything?

0:21:200:21:23

-Now that she has the collection.

-Good data on the transmission

0:21:230:21:26

of flu between humpback whales...

0:21:260:21:29

Which is jolly difficult, cos they travel more than any other - 5,000 miles a year, routinely.

0:21:290:21:34

Trying to get away from the remote-control helicopter...

0:21:340:21:37

Meehhhhh!

0:21:370:21:39

I wouldn't fancy being the bloke who works in her local toy shop either!

0:21:390:21:45

"Oh, it's broken again, is it?"

0:21:450:21:47

"Yeah, got all mucous in the rotor blades."

0:21:470:21:50

So, people who do research into whale flu collect snot using remote-control toy helicopters.

0:21:500:21:55

What am I describing here?

0:21:550:21:57

Pure, intense, brilliant pain,

0:21:570:22:01

like fire-walking over flaming charcoal

0:22:010:22:03

-with a three-inch rusty nail in your heel.

-Childbirth.

0:22:030:22:07

-HE LAUGHS

-Probably!

0:22:070:22:09

Probably.

0:22:090:22:10

SEAN: Is it a bee sting?

0:22:100:22:13

There is a man, called Schmidt,

0:22:130:22:14

who has devoted his life to creating the Schmidt scale of insect bite or sting pain.

0:22:140:22:20

He has been bitten or stung by just about every stinging, biting insect there is.

0:22:200:22:27

And he writes rather wine connoisseur descriptions...

0:22:270:22:30

Ow! There, look at that. ..of the pain.

0:22:300:22:34

It starts at 1.0 and goes up to plus 4.0,

0:22:340:22:38

the one we just heard - the bullet ant. It starts with the sweat bee,

0:22:380:22:42

which you can see on the left there.

0:22:420:22:44

That's light, ephemeral, almost fruity,

0:22:440:22:46

a tiny spark has singed a single hair on your arm.

0:22:460:22:50

-Notes of blackberry.

-Yes, exactly. Leather and tobacco!

0:22:500:22:54

Is 10.0 like listening to Westlife?

0:22:540:22:57

LAUGHTER

0:22:570:22:59

Then 1.8 is the bullhorn acacia ant,

0:22:590:23:02

"A rare, piercing, elevated sort of pain, someone has fired a staple into your cheek."

0:23:020:23:07

LAUGHTER

0:23:070:23:09

-He's done these things to make a comparison?

-I guess he has.

0:23:090:23:13

Then there's the bald-faced hornet, rich, hearty, slightly crunchy,

0:23:130:23:17

similar to your hand being mashed in a revolving door.

0:23:170:23:20

LAUGHTER

0:23:200:23:22

That's a very good thing to document.

0:23:220:23:24

Then there's a yellowjacket, "Imagine WC Fields extinguishing a cigar on your tongue."

0:23:240:23:29

Specifically WC Fields?! LAUGHTER

0:23:290:23:33

Just go, "Oh, that one, it's more like Jimmy Savile.

0:23:330:23:38

"No, no, that's WC Fields."

0:23:380:23:41

3.0 - the paper wasp, caustic, burning, distinctly bitter aftertaste,

0:23:410:23:45

like spilling a beaker of hydrochloric acid on a paper cut.

0:23:450:23:49

That's nasty. Then there's the bullet ant,

0:23:490:23:51

which is the one I described,

0:23:510:23:53

Pure, intense, brilliant pain... It's called the bullet ant, cos it's like getting shot. There it is.

0:23:530:23:58

A nasty piece of work. Anyway, yes.

0:23:580:24:01

They fact is entymologist Justin Schmidt has been stung by almost every insect

0:24:010:24:05

and describes the bullet ant sting as the most painful on Earth,

0:24:050:24:08

which brings us face-to-face with the vicious predator of general ignorance.

0:24:080:24:12

Fingers on buzzers, please. I have some points available for you.

0:24:120:24:17

All you have to do is to identify every animal in front of you.

0:24:170:24:22

SQUEAKY HONKING

0:24:220:24:24

-Hedgehog, mouse...

-KLAXON BLARES

0:24:240:24:26

-You've not done well to start with.

-Not a hedgehog?

0:24:260:24:30

Is one of them a bilby?

0:24:300:24:31

There's no bilbies there. And there's no mouse there.

0:24:310:24:35

-A shrew?

-A shrew?

-A buffalo?

-Shrew?

0:24:350:24:38

-No, there is no shrew.

-KLAXON BLARES

0:24:380:24:41

Let's have a look again.

0:24:410:24:43

Let's see them again.

0:24:430:24:46

-A mole?

-Is that a baby mole?

0:24:460:24:48

They're all different species of one kind of animal.

0:24:480:24:52

Dog.

0:24:520:24:54

No! Not a dog.

0:24:540:24:56

-Think of a place where species have evolved...

-New Zealand?

0:24:560:25:01

-Like New Zealand.

-G-G-G-G... Galapagos!

-No.

0:25:010:25:05

But it is an island. It's Madagascar. In Madagascar,

0:25:050:25:08

a few mammals, millions of years ago,

0:25:080:25:10

were hived off from Africa and the evolved separately.

0:25:100:25:14

They filled niches similar to those in Europe

0:25:140:25:16

and this particular animal is known as a tenrec

0:25:160:25:20

and it is...various species of it.

0:25:200:25:22

They fill the same niches as hedgehogs do.

0:25:220:25:25

They're not in any way connected or related to hedgehogs.

0:25:250:25:28

They have just solved the problems of existence in the same way.

0:25:280:25:32

Plants that have done the same. There are things you would swear blind are a cactus,

0:25:320:25:36

-but are not in any way a cactus.

-A bogus?

-Yes! Exactly.

0:25:360:25:41

So, the tenrec is a Madagascan mammal

0:25:410:25:43

that has evolved over millions of years

0:25:430:25:46

to create species that look like mice, shrews and hedgehogs.

0:25:460:25:49

Now, what are these animals fighting about?

0:25:490:25:52

LAUGHTER

0:25:540:25:56

FOGHORN BLARES They're not fighting?

0:25:560:25:58

Hmm...

0:25:580:26:00

-They're just, er...

-Sparring?

0:26:000:26:02

- Trying to get... - Trying to do a high five,

0:26:020:26:05

but they can't get it together.

0:26:050:26:07

LAUGHTER

0:26:070:26:09

They do it in springtime, when they're getting a bit frisky.

0:26:100:26:13

It's two males fighting over a girl?

0:26:130:26:16

-Ohhh, Ruby!

-KLAXON BLARES

0:26:160:26:19

How bad can it get? It doesn't matter now.

0:26:190:26:22

-Go for it now.

-What do I know?

0:26:220:26:26

A hare's got no chance of having sex with a girl. Has to be another hare, surely?

0:26:260:26:30

A girl hare!

0:26:300:26:32

Girl is way out of their league.

0:26:320:26:35

-They might get a kiss off a girl.

-It's not two males fighting.

0:26:350:26:39

It is a female fighting off a male who is too frisky.

0:26:390:26:42

She's basically saying she's not up for it.

0:26:420:26:45

-Get some pepper spray!

-Maybe that would happen.

0:26:450:26:48

When two hares box, it's more than likely that a female is boxing away

0:26:480:26:51

an overexcited male she doesn't want to mate with. And finally,

0:26:510:26:55

what is rhino horn used for in traditional Chinese medicine?

0:26:550:26:58

-What do you want us to say?

-You've finally got wise.

0:26:580:27:02

I will let you off the hook. It has never been used as an aphrodisiac.

0:27:020:27:05

It is a fallacy.

0:27:050:27:07

It's used, supposedly, to keep fevers at bay.

0:27:070:27:10

It makes no more sense at keeping fevers at bay

0:27:100:27:13

than it does as an aphrodisiac,

0:27:130:27:15

because it is, as we discussed earlier, simply hair. It isn't true,

0:27:150:27:18

rhino horn is not used as an aphrodisiac in traditional Chinese medicine,

0:27:180:27:22

it's most often taken for a fever.

0:27:220:27:24

Which brings us all the way back to our horns and, indeed,

0:27:240:27:27

to the end of the show. Let's have a look at the scores.

0:27:270:27:31

Goodness gracious me.

0:27:310:27:32

The dominant male this evening, on seven points, is Ross Noble!

0:27:320:27:36

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:360:27:39

And in second place, with a highly respectable -5,

0:27:400:27:43

Sean Lock and Jordan!

0:27:430:27:45

Thank you. Thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:450:27:47

And really improving now, -6, Alan Davies!

0:27:470:27:51

-Thank you. Thank you very much.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:510:27:54

I'm afraid at the very bottom of the food chain,

0:27:540:27:57

as thick as two short planktons,

0:27:570:28:00

Ruby Wax with -36!

0:28:000:28:01

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:010:28:05

So, goodnight from Ruby, Sean, Ross and Alan.

0:28:100:28:13

I leave you with this piece of wisdom from Homer Simpson -

0:28:130:28:15

"Weaselling out of things is important to learn.

0:28:150:28:18

"It's what separates us from the animals,

0:28:180:28:20

"except the weasel." Thank you and good night.

0:28:200:28:22

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:390:28:43

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:430:28:48

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