Intelligence QI


Intelligence

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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh!

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Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.

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And welcome to an idiot-proof episode of QI for a quite interesting look at intelligence.

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Joining us tonight are some of the biggest brains of Britain.

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The discerning David Mitchell.

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The judicious Jo Brand.

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The perspicacious Phill Jupitus!

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And the...Alan Davies.

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And they're absolutely buzzing with intelligence. David goes...

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-MASTERMIND THEME

-Jo goes...

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MASTERMIND THEME

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-Phill goes...

-MASTERMIND THEME

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-And Alan goes...

-"Er, pass."

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LAUGHTER

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There we are.

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Don't forget your "Nobody knows" jokers. Would you dream of forgetting them?

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Yes, in this series there is one question to which nobody knows the answer.

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Question one is pretty challenging and very much what is discussed by academics in the finest universities

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so you may want to make notes. How do you get a goose interested in volleyball?

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Jo?

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I'd like to reply with a question. How do you get ANYONE interested in volleyball?

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I believe the removal of clothes is part of the...

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That's beach volleyball.

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Well, when I say "in volleyball", I should use an indefinite article.

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-There's being interested in volleyball and in a volleyball.

-Ah! Make one out of goose food.

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Oddly enough, you don't need to do that. Their natural egg is light blue and flecked with grey.

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Scientists have found that you can make the eggs bigger and bigger and really bright blue

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with great big black polka dots and they'll sit on those instead.

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-There's no upper limit...

-It's about the shape and the colour.

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It's like us. We should eat enough food to keep ourselves alive, but we have no upper limit.

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-We'll eat another bar of chocolate and end up looking like me.

-Is that why you wear the Cadbury's livery?

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LAUGHTER

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Hoping for a freebie as always.

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It is, evolutionarily speaking, the bigger the egg, the more likely it is to want to sit on it

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-because it's more likely to be a healthy, larger chick.

-"This will be the most amazing goose ever!"

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And so they'll sit on a volleyball. That's a kind of flaw in nature, if you like.

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We have to include ourselves in this. There are certain things we don't need in excess,

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like sugar and fat and sex, but we spend lots of time eating chocolate and doing things on the internet.

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Sounds like my perfect holiday. Sugar, fat and sex. Yes, please!

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-But we've got the awareness that we do that.

-We do.

-The goose on the volleyball isn't thinking,

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"This is a bit much. The world doesn't need giant geese."

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You're right. We have the extra curse of consciousness that we are fools.

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It's called supernormal stimuli and it seems to exist in a lot of species, actually.

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Anyway, geese like their eggs the bigger the better.

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They don't know when to stop, which seems stupid, but name an intelligent bird.

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Yes?

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Me.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I don't think there are any intelligent birds. Their brains are so incredibly tiny.

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-Well...

-Like an owl. I know this as a thing.

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-65% of the skull is the eyes. The brain is virtually nothing.

-You're right.

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It's very hard to judge in a bird.

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Can they count, is one. There are birds that can count.

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Cormorants can count to eight.

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You may say, "No, hang on..." but they are used by Chinese fishermen.

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-They catch a fish and drop it on the boat...

-One!

-And the eighth one they keep for themselves.

-Eight!

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-"That's mine."

-Finished.

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"Nine!" Erp!

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But the generally smartest group is not smart because they count, but because they solve problems.

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-These are the corvids.

-Crows!

-The crows, the ravens, the jackdaws,

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the magpies. What's interesting is they can look at a problem.

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I've seen experiments where they've had a gate that's pulled up on a string

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which goes round a sort of pulley system and they will look at it

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and then go straight to pull the right piece of string.

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We've got film here, for example, of a crow. There. It hasn't seen this hook at all.

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Ever. It's its first time.

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It's working it out. It's seen that it has a bent end.

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-And now it's pulling that out.

-How bizarre.

-Quite extraordinary.

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And now it's got its food.

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-They do seem like the most evil birds.

-They're often considered creatures of ill omen, aren't they?

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But you're just seeing them with Carmina Burana playing.

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-Imagine a crow...

-I should get something else for my iPod?

-Tijuana Taxi by Herb Alpert.

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That's a nice crow. Put a sombrero on it, take the edge off it.

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-But if you had Carmina Burana and a robin, you wouldn't think it was evil.

-I would!

-Would you?

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Dirty bastard robin!

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Anyway, there are intelligent birds and the crow family display intelligence aplenty.

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How long does the perfect job interview last?

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Yes, Jo?

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How long does a blowjob take?

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LAUGHTER

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The extraordinary thing is the answer is exactly what I've got on my card - 12 seconds!

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-LAUGHTER

-You're absolutely right!

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Wow. Very good.

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It does seem that 12 seconds is enough.

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And, bizarrely, you don't even have to hear. You can see video of someone and most people will agree

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to give him or her the job. After 12 seconds, the mind has been made up, it seems.

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Something about the attitude, the confidence, whatever it is,

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if it hasn't come across in 12 seconds, it won't.

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-Or so it would seem. Have you ever had to apply for a job?

-Loads.

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-Never got any of them.

-You're here, aren't you?

-True.

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-But I slept with you, as you well know.

-One of the best 12 seconds of my life!

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But I have applied for loads of jobs and not got a lot of them,

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but so much is to do with appearance, isn't it?

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As a fat person, you are pretty swiftly written off if there's a thin person in the offing.

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-That sort of thing makes a really big difference.

-And they would never dare admit it.

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Well, they told me a few times.

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"We'd love to employ you, but we've got a thin person."

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-"I understand."

-Outrageous! How about you, Alan? What have you done before you went into comedy?

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-I never wanted to have a job.

-Really?!

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-In the event of an interview, wear flip-flops.

-LAUGHTER

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You will never be employed. Go in, put your feet up on the desk.

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-And they'll get the next person in!

-That's fair.

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We have here a list of job interview questions you shouldn't ask, if we're the interviewing panel.

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You're not to ask, "Are you a smoker?" "Are you originally from the OK?" The UK!

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But if you're interviewing for a cowboy, it's a good question.

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I was going to say it's not OK to say, "Are you originally from the UK?" I screwed it up.

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-"Do you have children who need to be looked after?"

-"In the event of a fire, will you stop working?"

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"Do you plan to have children in future?" And then, "What are your weaknesses?" is a common one.

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The temptation, of course, is to attempt to subvert it by naming a weakness that is a strength.

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"Oh, my trouble is I'm just a terrible perfectionist. I can't stop until it's perfect."

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-"I'm so punctual!"

-"My problem is I'm really nice. I'm too nice."

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That is transparent. Don't do that. Say one that is not terrible,

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like, "I tend to get bogged down in details, but I'm making an effort."

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-"I'm a terrible thief."

-LAUGHTER

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-"I love other people's stuff."

-"I can't concentr... Oh, look! A squirrel!"

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"What are your weaknesses?" "Heroin and masturbating, not necessarily in that order."

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-"What are your strengths?" Here's another one.

-"My odour. I've got a powerful odour.

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"It only gets stronger as the day goes on."

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LAUGHTER

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-You're still wearing your "I don't want a bloody job" hat!

-"These feet stink by four o'clock."

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Don't say, "I'm confident, outgoing and a natural leader." That suggests a reincarnation of Adolf Hitler.

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Say, "I have good interpersonal skills." If I met someone who said that, I'd get a rusty knife and...

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-Until they bled to death!

-"I've got good interpersonal skills" is proof that you don't!

-Exactly!

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You immediately annoy the person you're talking to.

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"I'm comfortable taking instructions from idiots like you."

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LAUGHTER

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There are weird things like the person interviewing you falls asleep. The smart thing to do

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-is leave a note saying, "I enjoyed meeting you."

-Is it?!

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-I'd say that's an incredibly unassertive thing to do.

-I agree.

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"Wake up, you lazy sod! This is my life we're talking about!"

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So you mustn't lick their face?

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-LAUGHTER

-Now that would be good.

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Imagine them waking up and you're there with your tongue on their nose.

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I had a job in the Civil Service - loved that(!) - for six months and they asked me the wrong question.

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If they'd said to me, "Are you likely in three months' time to get pissed in the club bar,

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"go back to your desk, fall asleep and then fall off your chair?"

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I could have said yes and they could have not given me the job, but that is what happened and I got sacked.

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-They stupidly didn't have a question for that.

-The wrong question.

-No one but themselves to blame.

-Absolutely.

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They also ask, "How many piano tuners are there in the UK?"

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-What?!

-It tests your initiative or your wit when you give an answer.

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"Will you take advantage of Bring Your Kestrel To Work Thursday?"

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The whole thing sounds horrible, the world of job interviews.

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The thing that seems unfair to me is people expected to pretend to care about jobs they don't care about.

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You should be allowed to say, "You can't put in my contract that I have to seem like I give a shit".

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-LAUGHTER

-That's expecting too much.

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I really like living in a country with such poor customer service.

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I've got respect for that.

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"This is a horrible train, you're tearing tickets. Of course you're in an awful mood."

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Now that you've put it like that I shall feel better about it.

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Why have a cheesy grin on your face if you work in an awful supermarket?

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It's the sign either of a liar or a moron.

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-Exactly.

-It's funny when people are rude in shops, isn't it? It still takes you by surprise.

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My wife went to a shop today to buy an ironing basket. "I've never heard of such a thing.

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-"I have no idea where you would find something like that."

-"You've just put two words next to each other

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-"in a mad way!"

-Me and my mates would deliberately go to a Chinese restaurant

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near Wardour Street because they were so foul to you.

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The best ever time we went there, we were actually moved mid-meal to a different floor.

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LAUGHTER

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"You go upstair now!"

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"Excuse me?" "You go upstair now. This table booked."

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"I'm in the middle of my dinner!" "You go upstair!"

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An army of waiters moved our meal. I was pissing myself!

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LAUGHTER Fantastic.

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Job interviews only need to last 12 seconds, it seems. Would you like to see an ingenious interlude?

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-I've been trying to get better at these chemistry experiments.

-These are my favourite bits.

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They are fun. This is a speaker, as you can see.

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This is cornflour mixed with water, as you would buy in any high street cornflour shop or supermarket.

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-It's used as a thickening agent.

-It's not green, though.

-We've made i green to make it stand out more.

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It has a particular property. It's a non-Newtonian fluid. It's very peculiar.

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I'm going to pour it here. Gloopy, I think, is the word.

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And unlike most liquids which change their viscosity according to their temperature,

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these change according to pressure

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and we hope that a bit of sound played by Ben, our sound man...

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-LOW VIBRATING SOUND Hello!

-It's beginning to vibrate.

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As it gets louder, the effect will get more extraordinary... It's a wonderful feeling.

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-LAUGHTER

-I might be able to give it a tickle with a spoon. There we go.

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There you are.

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If I keep... Oops!

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And you start to get basically little Morphs making love with each other.

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LAUGHTER

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-It's so weird.

-Isn't it? There you go.

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You have just screwed every stereo of every QI viewer.

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Isn't that creepy?

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-Margaret, get the cornflour!

-It's like little wavy, green people.

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And they're all rising and making love.

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-That's what you say!

-You're adding that.

-It looks like it.

-I think they're being burned alive.

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-Some of them are waving.

-"Help me, I'm drowning!"

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Isn't it extraordinary?

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And all that is is water and cornflour. It's quite amazing.

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-What?!

-It's the actual vibrations, the physical effect that changes the viscosity.

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Let's all gather round.

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-They climb out... They look as if they're trying to climb out.

-Yes.

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-It's rather beautiful.

-That is fantastic.

-Isn't it?

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It's like a glimpse into hell, isn't it?

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-All the souls writhing around, trying to escape.

-That's just what it looks like.

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-Maybe it is.

-Yes, souls in agony.

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And then it goes quiet again and settles back into liquid form.

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-Isn't that amazing?

-APPLAUSE

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Well, I've got, um...

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I've got clingfilm, but they've not furnished me with a wet wipe.

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Oh, look at the muck on 'ere!

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-Would you like a tissue?

-"I was at work tonight and I got green gunk all over me purple suit!

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-"Eeh, I look like Jack Nicholson!"

-Oh, there we are.

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There are various non-Newtonian fluids. They are working on a liquid armour,

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which is weird, but the higher the pressure of the bullet, the more solid the liquid will become.

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-How am I only seeing this for the first time tonight?

-It's exciting.

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Every time I go round someone's house, why aren't they playing dub reggae and getting the cornflour out

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You know what to do next time. Now, what is this robot designed to do?

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-"MASTERMIND" THEME

-Blimey! Yes?

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To overthrow the puny humans?

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That's what most robots are designed to do.

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-It's for hanging a jacket on.

-This is actually an iron-shirt robot.

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It irons your shirt. You put on a shirt and it puffs up and irons it, gets rid of its creases.

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I think it might be a replacement husband because it's just sitting there doing fuck-all.

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That would be a good job. The fact is, there was so much promise for robots

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and a lot of artificial intelligence research.

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Sorry, is it just this atmosphere? Are you thirsty?

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Can we have a drink? Thank you.

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-I've got a friend here who's going to give me a drink.

-It's not like Yo! Sushi, is it?

-No. Here we are.

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APPLAUSE

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'This is for you.'

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Thank you.

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That's very kind of you. Welcome to QI, Asimo.

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'Thank you, Stephen. It is great to be here.'

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Isn't he marvellous?

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"Here I am, brain the size of a planet, opening doors..."

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-You're the most advanced humanoid robot on the planet? Is that right?

-'That is what they tell me.'

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Why don't you show us what you can do?

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'I would love to.'

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-Is he going to kill me?

-Honestly, I promise you you are going to be impressed.

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I mean, this is... This movement that is so simple to us...

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They can do calculations we could never dream of doing, any computer, but this movement he's doing...

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He's going to go down a step, right?

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-Give him time.

-If he falls over, that's 20 million quid up the Swanee!

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APPLAUSE

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Now...

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LAUGHTER

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Now he'll do something that I think no-one in this room will ever have seen, which is truly miraculous.

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"Studio audience killed by runaway robot!"

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No, he's going to run. I'd like you to run, Asimo. This takes him a bit of time.

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Both feet will leave the ground and he will run.

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There he goes.

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Ohh! APPLAUSE

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Isn't that amazing?

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-It is.

-Isn't that incredible?

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Well done.

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Well done, Asimo. I think it's only fair that you get some points.

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'Thanks, but what I would really lik is a dance with Jo.'

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LAUGHTER

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-Oh, my word!

-I think that can be arranged.

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He wouldn't say that if he'd met me.

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'Hi, Jo.'

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Hi, Asimo. I'm married. Sorry.

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DISCO MUSIC

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Oh, yes!

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CHEERING

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Well done, everybody.

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-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-And he's bowing!

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LAUGHTER

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Amazing!

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-I've scored!

-Thank you very much, Asimo.

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Goodbye then.

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-What's the battery like on one of these?

-Love you!

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APPLAUSE

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There he goes.

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-Round the corner.

-I can't help feeling he's heavily weaponised.

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-Should be in the movies.

-Why do you think he's called Asimo?

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It's bloody depressing that even a robot can dance better than I can!

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I presume it's an acronym, is it?

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-Asimo?

-Is it a tribute to Isaac Asimov?

-No, that's what a lot of people assume.

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It's a coincidence. It's from the Japanese. "Asi" means "feet" and "mo" is short for "movement".

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They're most proud, you can see why, of his extraordinary ability.

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The amount of technology that goes into a machine that can walk bipedally like that and run!

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I'm not absolutely sure about the voice. It sounds a bit like Michael Jackson which is a bit chilling.

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Yeah, it would be more reassuring if it was a mechanical voice.

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What, like a more sort of...

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GRUFF VOICE: "Hello, Jo, do you want to dance?"

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Or maybe Bernard Manning?

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-Or Ste-phen Haw-king, it could talk to you like him.

-That's very good.

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I think it would have been more reassuring if its dancing was like robotic dancing,

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rather than trying to be human.

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I find its attempts to be human tragic.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, aren't you easily pleased(?)

0:23:070:23:09

I'd like for it to be like Jerry Springer. The robot runs on and goes "Who are you cal-ling rub-bish?"

0:23:090:23:15

LAUGHTER

0:23:150:23:17

Then big blokes in QI black T-shirts have to pull it off... LAUGHTER

0:23:170:23:22

ROBOTIC VOICE: "Get off me, you slags! Get off me, you slags!

0:23:220:23:26

"He was asking for it."

0:23:260:23:28

"I want a DNA test!"

0:23:280:23:31

LAUGHTER

0:23:310:23:33

APPLAUSE

0:23:330:23:34

At the moment, he can recognise people, objects and gestures. He has cameras in there.

0:23:380:23:43

He can calculate distances and the direction of movement and create flexible routes to a destination.

0:23:430:23:50

He can hear and speak to an extent. He can understand about 50 different calls and greetings,

0:23:500:23:55

as well as 30 different commands and react to them accordingly.

0:23:550:23:59

There's a long way to go, but I was bloody impressed. Thank you very much to Asimo and his handlers.

0:23:590:24:05

APPLAUSE

0:24:050:24:08

That brings us to the all-too human world of general ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, if you please.

0:24:110:24:17

How many piano tuners are there in the UK?

0:24:170:24:21

Is the right answer!

0:24:220:24:25

-'Nobody knows.'

-Yes, get in there...

-APPLAUSE

0:24:250:24:29

Yes, it's a very strange thing,

0:24:290:24:32

but even the British Association of Piano Tuners has no idea how many piano tuners there are.

0:24:320:24:38

Somewhere between 1,000 and 10,000 is their guess.

0:24:380:24:42

-That's a very wide gap.

-It is a very wide gap. They just don't know.

0:24:420:24:46

You could try and work it out. You could look in the Yellow Pages and count them.

0:24:460:24:51

Don't people have to put what their job is in the Census?

0:24:510:24:55

A piano tuner is often a moonlighting job, not necessarily a full-time one.

0:24:550:25:00

Now, when was time immemorial?

0:25:000:25:03

# The Simpsons! #

0:25:050:25:07

LAUGHTER

0:25:070:25:10

HUMS "THE SIMPSONS" THEME TUNE

0:25:120:25:15

-The time before The Simpsons started?

-That would count.

0:25:170:25:21

-I don't understand what "time immemorial" means.

-If you say, for example...

0:25:210:25:25

If you can prove in a court of law that you've been grazing your sheep on some land since time immemorial,

0:25:250:25:31

you don't have to re-justify your right to do it.

0:25:310:25:35

-It's an established practice that has been done since time immemorial.

-It doesn't mean "for ever"?

-No.

0:25:350:25:42

It specifically, originally meant the 6th of July, 1189.

0:25:420:25:45

LAUGHTER

0:25:450:25:47

There must have been a lot of excitement in the run-up to that. "It's time immemorial tomorrow!"

0:25:470:25:54

-And there'd be...

-"At last we can get things sorted.

0:25:550:25:59

"Whatever's happening tomorrow, we stick to."

0:25:590:26:02

It was the day of the coronation of a particular sovereign in our country.

0:26:030:26:09

-Richard I.

-You read History and that's damn good. It wasn't a wasted education. It was indeed Richard I

0:26:090:26:15

who was crowned in 1189.

0:26:150:26:18

It was decided then that the first Statute of Westminster,

0:26:180:26:23

which was a few years after his reign, it defined his reign as the limit of legal memory.

0:26:230:26:28

Did they have to raise such an army just to catch those two seagulls?

0:26:280:26:33

LAUGHTER

0:26:330:26:36

"There they are!

0:26:360:26:38

"After them, men!

0:26:380:26:41

"They've been flying since time immemorial!"

0:26:410:26:44

The one on the right is saying, "I can't believe we're doing all this for those two poxy seagulls!"

0:26:440:26:50

Do you think the French, when they saw them, thought, "Oh, my God, it's the Red Cross people!

0:26:500:26:56

"Try and not meet their eye. Sorry, mate, I've got to go. I can't stop."

0:26:560:27:00

It brings us to the end of this QI IQ test,

0:27:020:27:05

so hand in your papers and I'll tally up the scores and oh, my goodness me!

0:27:050:27:10

Well, it's very exciting, actually.

0:27:100:27:13

Top of the class

0:27:130:27:15

with four points

0:27:150:27:17

is David Mitchell!

0:27:170:27:20

APPLAUSE

0:27:200:27:22

In second place with minus four is Phill Jupitus.

0:27:240:27:28

APPLAUSE

0:27:280:27:31

And in third place with minus eight is Jo Brand.

0:27:340:27:37

APPLAUSE

0:27:370:27:40

In clear last place with minus 16 is Alan Davies.

0:27:420:27:46

APPLAUSE

0:27:460:27:49

But...

0:27:510:27:53

the clear, clear winner this week with an extraordinary 32 points

0:27:530:27:58

is the magnificent Asimo!

0:27:580:28:01

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:010:28:03

So it's good night from David, Phill, Jo, Alan and not forgetting Asimo and me.

0:28:120:28:18

And I just want to share with you the cover story of a recent National Geographic magazine,

0:28:180:28:24

which is about the recreation by archaeologists at Gobekli Tepe in Turkey.

0:28:240:28:29

It's the oldest temple in the world. Some people think it's the oldest building in the world.

0:28:290:28:35

It's 11,600 years old and what excites me is that it looks like this.

0:28:350:28:40

Does it remind you of anything?

0:28:400:28:42

Good night. On that bombshell, good night.

0:28:420:28:45

APPLAUSE

0:28:460:28:48

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2011

0:29:040:29:08

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0:29:080:29:11

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