VG Part 1 QI


VG Part 1

A compilation of some of the best bits from the ninth series of QI - a quiz show in which contestants are rewarded more if their answers are 'quite interesting'.


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Transcript


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Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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and welcome to QI, where tonight, once again, the "I"s have it.

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So, which international head of state snubbed Jesse Owens

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after his triumph at the 1936 Olympics?

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DING-DONG

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-Yes, Jack?

-Hitler.

-Ahhh!

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BUZZER HOOTS

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Oddly enough, it's not true.

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It's what the whole world thinks but it isn't true

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and we know this from no greater source than Jesse Owens himself.

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In fact, it's a really rather sad and a very typically, I'm afraid, unfortunate story.

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Jesse Owens, as you probably know, won four gold medals at the 1936 Berlin Olympics.

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The Olympics was staged-managed, of course, by Hitler.

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Now, on the first day, Hitler congratulated only German winners.

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And someone said to him that he should either congratulate all the winners or none of them.

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So he said, "Well, in that case, I won't congratulate any winners."

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So he didn't snub Jesse Owens at all.

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In fact, according to Jesse Owens, he said,

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"When I passed the Chancellor, he rose, waved his hand at me and I waved back at him."

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"Hitler didn't snub me. It was..."

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King of England.

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No. FDR.

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-Oh, bastard!

-The president of his own country.

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He didn't personally congratulate Jesse Owens.

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LAUGHTER

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Who are you looking at there?

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The bloke on the far right is just going like that...

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He is a bit.

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That bloke on the far right is called Hermann Goering.

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Surely they're all on the far right.

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Ya-hey!

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B-r-r-rilliant!

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It's usual amongst George Formby fans, I believe, that they teach themselves the banjolele.

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And as you are one, we have a banjolele.

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Can you delight us with some Formby?

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-Am I on the spot?

-I don't know if it's tuned or not but just do what you can.

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-Oh, don't worry about that.

-We'll be very happy.

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My dog has fleas, is what you need to remember. My dog has...

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Well, this one doesn't have fleas. He has distemper.

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When I'm Cleaning Windows has got another bit that goes,

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# Eight o'clock, a girl awakes At ten past eight, a bath she takes

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# At quarter past, my ladder breaks When I'm cleaning windows... #

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Heh-heh heh-heh hey! Wahey!

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There's a bit that goes

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# There's a famous movie queen She looks a beauty on the screen

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# She's more like 80 than 18 When I'm cleaning windows

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# She takes her hair down all behind Then takes down her never-mind

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# And finally takes down the blind When I'm cleaning windows. #

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Cheeky!

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Brilliant.

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Now for something terribly important.

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Why did the MoD want the PM to join the AA?

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-This present, David Cameron, PM, or any?

-No.

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The Prime Minister at the time was Harold Macmillan.

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Did the MoD want the country to become part of the temperance movement?

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-Ha ha! No, it's not that AA.

-The Automobile Association.

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The Automobile Association, exactly.

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-It's that AA.

-Really?

-Yes.

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So when Harold Macmillan was Prime Minister, what was going on in the world around that time?

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-The Cold War.

-The Cold War was at its absolute height.

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And they knew that Kennedy had this system where, wherever he was,

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he could retaliate in case the Soviets sent missiles.

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And they thought, "Well, we better have a similar system."

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And they thought...

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There's Lord Mountbatten who was the chief of staff at the time.

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And they said, "Well, you know,

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"you better have men going round with the Prime Minister who

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"have got radios and things in case there's news of a Soviet attack."

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And he said, "Well, that's far too expensive."

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The Prime Minister said,

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"I don't want people following me around all the time."

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"I tell you what, we'll use the system the AA use." So, basically, the idea was

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that they would get a signal from the AA to the car if the Soviets had launched a strike.

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That would mean the Prime Minister could then stop off

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at the nearest telephone and issue the order for a counter-strike.

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And there were some very exciting memos.

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This is very British. You'll like this very much.

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Brian Saunders, private secretary to the Prime Minister, said,

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"It will presumably be necessary for someone to make a daily or weekly call to the AA control station

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"as a check that they are in working order.

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"And I understand that,

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"if an emergency arose while the Prime Minister was on the road,

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"the proposal is to use the radio to get him to a telephone.

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"Perhaps we should see that our drivers are provided with four pennies."

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They'd gone and thought it through.

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So imagine them stopping and going, "All right, we've got the signal.

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"There are bombs on the way from the Soviet Union."

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"Stop off at the nearest kiosk," and nobody's got any money.

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But they thought about that. Bligh, the Prime Minister's private principal secretary, replied,

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"Shortage of pennies should not present any difficulties, such as you envisage.

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"In such cases, it's a simple matter to have the cost

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"of any telephone call transferred by dialling 100 and requesting reversal of the charge."

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This is all true!

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"And this doesn't take any appreciable extra time.

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"The system works in both normal and STD telephone kiosks. And our drivers are well-aware of it."

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So we were safe all the time.

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The Prime Minister would have got a message and said,

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"Look, there's a red kiosk,"

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would have stopped, got in and called... called up the operator and said,

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"I want to call the Ministry of Defence armed bunker.

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"And could you reverse the charges?"

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-Scouting for Boys has got something on suicide?

-It has.

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-It has an amazing entry on suicide. Maybe you'd like to hear it?

-I would love to hear it.

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"When a man has gone so far as to attempt suicide..."

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They don't count women for some reason - "..a scout should know what to do with him.

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"In a case where the would-be suicide has taken poison, give milk and make him vomit,

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"which is done by tickling the inside of the throat with a finger or a feather.

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"In the case of hanging, cut down the body at once,

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"taking care to support him with one arm while cutting the cord.

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-"A tenderfoot, which is scouting for novice..."

-That's not hard.

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-To me, that sounds very simple.

-It does, doesn't it?

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"A novice is sometimes inclined to be timid about

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"handling an insensible man or dead man, or even seeing blood.

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"Well, he won't be much use till he gets over such nonsense."

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Slaughtering cattle. Advice to young boys on how to slaughter cattle.

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"If you're a beginner in slaughtering with a knife,

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"it's sometimes useful to first drop the animal insensible

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"by a heavy blow with a big hammer or the back of a felling axe on top of the head."

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The kindest thing to do, really.

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Stopping a runaway horse?

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-He doesn't give advice on that, does he?

-He does, yes.

-Lie down.

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-That would stop the horse?

-Oh, no. They don't tread on you.

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What you don't do is stand in front of it waving your arms. That's the mistake to make.

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What you should do is go to the side and basically ease it towards the side of a wall or side of a house.

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-What, when it's running?

-Yeah.

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You ease a running horse to the side of a wall?

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Don't worry, mate, I'll just ease this running horse to the side of the wall.

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It'll see you and will be pushed towards it. That will slow it down naturally according to Baden-Powell.

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"Give us a hand."

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"I can't. Uncle Pete's hung himself."

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What about saving someone who's fallen in front of a train?

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Oh, well, I know this. You ease the train up against the wall.

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"If the train is very close, lie flat between the rails.

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"Make the man do the same till the train passes over,

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"while everyone else will be running about, screaming and excited, and doing nothing."

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-You're supposed to jump on the track with him.

-Yeah.

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-And push his head down?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, sure. I'm going to do that.

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Does that work, though? Is there such a big gap between the wheels?

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It does in movies but I wouldn't be the one to try it.

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It'd be great if you hung yourself and then a Scout cut you down

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and you went, "Oh, don't worry, I'll jump under a train."

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-And, again...

-He's here again!

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All right, mate?

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I've just done voice for them.

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So if you have Tom-Tom or Garmin...

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Huh-huh! No!

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You'd drive along and it goes, "Now the interesting thing is..."

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

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"The most daft thing. You would not believe it but..."

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Did you do it as if you were talking to me? That's the worry.

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"Left, you moron!"

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If you take a wrong turn instead of making a U-turn,

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does the hooter come on?

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I've put my voice on Katie's. When she drives, it's me.

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Oh, that's nice, because you can put your own voice on, can't you?

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Yeah, you can record it. "Left, left, left! LEFT!"

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Which is funny the first couple of times.

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Yes, that's the problem.

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I had a sat-nav and the Nullarbor Plain in Australia, the big, long...

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Between Adelaide and Perth.

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Yeah, the longest straight road in the world.

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And I started my bike, turned it on and it said,

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"Drive forward for two days."

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But the best bit was, it went, "Then turn left."

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But the stupid thing was, it was such a long road,

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I missed the left-hand turn!

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Patrick Lichfield once told me a very good story.

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-Oh! Beautiful name-drop, if I may say so.

-He was lovely. Did you know him?

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-I did.

-Such a lovely man. He'd been asked to photograph a royal wedding at Hampton Court.

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The Queen told him it'd be the first time all the crowned heads of Europe

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were together, available for a photograph. He said,

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"Well, I know them all, ma'am. Everyone except Princess Catherine of Greece.

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"She's very elderly. She's in a wheelchair." She said, "Oh, right."

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"It's very difficult with all these heads, about 60 of them and everyone's ma'am," and so on.

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And he noticed in the corner an elderly lady in a wheelchair.

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He said, "Oh, marvellous!"

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He went over and pushed her into the photographs like this

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and he took the picture.

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And the Queen said, "Patrick, who's that woman?

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"Princess Catherine of Greece." She said, "No, it isn't."

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Anyway, apparently some bloke had been on a tour of the house with his mother...

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..and needed the lavatory. And he just opened the door and shoved his mother through,

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just to keep her quiet while he went to the lavatory.

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And Patrick gave her a Polaroid of this elderly woman with all the crown heads of Europe.

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That's fantastic!

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Have a look at this glass tank behind me

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and tell me how many balls there are in there.

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One.

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-Two, three.

-Well done, Alan.

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-Four.

-So far, so good.

-Yep. Five.

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The worst episode of the National Lottery, ever.

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-So how many are there in there, would you say?

-Five.

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Five? Five. Well, it looked like five, didn't it?

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HOOTER BUZZES

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But you might be rather surprised to know that there are actually over a thousand.

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-A thousand.

-And we can show you, perhaps, a better view of how many there are.

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Watch that.

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They're all invisible and, in fact,

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we have an example of precisely these kinds of...

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There they are.

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-Yeah, they're gooey.

-They're really weird.

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-They're called hydrogel beads.

-Are they edible?

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-I wouldn't want to take responsibility but I don't think they'll do you any harm.

-Try one.

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What are they used for?

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Well, they have a commercial use, actually.

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-Oh, I broke it!

-Oh, no! Has it burst?

-Yeah, burst.

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No, it's sort of gone into pieces, actually.

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It's a rather strange material. Can you guess their commercial use?

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-Packing things.

-No, flower arranging is one.

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Is it for packing goldfish, when you get them through your...

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Why aren't they making battleships out of it?

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-All kinds of new uses may be found.

-Submarines. Make a submarine out of it.

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I have to say, this feels gorgeous.

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-JACK: It's quite good, isn't it?

-It's actually quite addictive, isn't it?

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-Something quite gorgeous about that.

-Yeah.

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-JACK: Might have a play around with that later.

-Yep, you might.

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Another use is the manufacture of...

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Behave!

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That's disgusting.

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Another use...

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Jack's going to put his willy in it.

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-Oh, dear!

-I've already put it in that one.

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It's weird because when he put it in, you couldn't see it.

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Ohhh!

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-It's the refractive index.

-I need time to think of a comeback!

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What variety of lettuce did they serve on board the Titanic?

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Iceberg.

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GROANS

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BUZZER HOOTS

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-Well, bless you for...

-I took one for the team, as it were.

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You did take one for the team.

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The iceberg lettuce had been developed in Pennsylvania

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but was not available in Europe until many years later.

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Was it is rocket, lollo rosso?

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-The answer is, we don't know.

-Oh.

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We do know there were 700 heads of lettuce on board.

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-You make them sound like heads of state.

-I know!

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The most grand of all the lettuce, the head of lettuce.

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Why did they only have 700 lettuce - how many were on the Titanic?

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Either they'd already eaten that much and that's how much was saved, or they just didn't order that much.

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What, they saved the lettuce, but not the people?

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1,500 people died and they're going,

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"Get the lettuce, for crying out loud!"

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I have a horrible feeling I misread my card.

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It was, "Hold the front page. 7,000 heads of lettuce."

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No wonder the bloody thing sank, then, if it was full of lettuce.

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Lettuces float.

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Well, why did it sink, then?

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What is wrong with these people?

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What about the durable Mike Malloy, have you heard of him?

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Now here's a man who really wouldn't die.

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This is a very extraordinary story.

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The durable Mike Malloy.

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We're in the age of Prohibition.

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And we're in New York City.

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And we've got a gang of criminals because, obviously,

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anyone who runs a speakeasy is a criminal by definition, during Prohibition.

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And they hit on a scam.

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They thought, "We'll get some drunks. We'll get them to sign life insurance forms to our benefit.

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"And then we'll just feed them so much alcohol that they'll die."

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"And we'll get all their money."

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What can go wrong?

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Had they never met Irish people before?

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-That's the problem.

-They were bankrupt.

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They ran out of booze!

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-So owner Anthony Marino hatched this plan.

-"We're going to need a bigger pub."

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He got this Irishman called Mike Malloy. They befriended him, they plied him with free drinks.

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And they got him to sign three different life insurance policies,

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amounting to nearly 2,000, which was a lot of money in those days.

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After several weeks of free booze, they started to get a bit impatient because, because he wasn't...

0:15:200:15:24

-He kept singing the same songs!

-So they started...

0:15:240:15:27

"God, he's doing that one again"!

0:15:270:15:30

# Oh, Danny boy The pipes, the pipes... #

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They started adding antifreeze.

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He collapsed a bit but he kept coming back for more drink.

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So they then gave him drinks that were filled with turpentine,

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horse liniment, rat poison, rotten oysters in wood alcohol

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and sardines mixed with carpet tacks.

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-Do we have any record of... "Oh, thanks very much."

-None of this would have any effect.

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-I suppose if it's on the house...

-Yeah.

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He's downing that.

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So, next, they got him drunk, they stripped him naked - this is midwinter in New York - and

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they poured five gallons of cold water on him, before dumping him on a snow bank.

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-New York in midwinter is seriously cold, minus 20 degrees sometimes.

-Why didn't they just shoot him?

0:16:070:16:12

-A bullet hole might have been a...

-..a bit of a giveaway.

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Oh, I don't know. I think naked on a mound of snow is quite a giveaway.

0:16:150:16:18

-Well, he was very drunk.

-So drunk he was having sex with a snowman?

0:16:180:16:23

But the police found him and he turned up the next day saying,

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"You'll never guess what happened. They found me in Central Park, on the snow, naked.

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"Dunno how! They took me to a hostel and got me these nice new clothes."

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So he carried on drinking and they were really getting desperate.

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They paid a cab driver 150 bucks to knock him over.

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After two attempts, they left him sprawled in the road,

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awaiting news of his death.

0:16:420:16:44

Several weeks later, he came fresh out of hospital and turned up, looking for a drink.

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So, finally, they challenged him to a rigged drinking contest.

0:16:490:16:53

They got him really, really pissed

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-and then pushed a gas hose in his throat and gassed him to death.

-Aw.

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-So they cheated.

-Yeah.

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But a few months later, don't worry, they started squabbling amongst themselves

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and all went down the river to Sing Sing and got fried in the electric chair, the whole gang of them.

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The thing I find interesting about that story is when you said they put a gas hose in his mouth and cheated,

0:17:100:17:16

the audience went, "Aww." But, before that, when they were trying to kill the man,

0:17:160:17:20

you were going, "Well, that just sounds like bloody good fun!"

0:17:200:17:23

Then, the gas hose, you went, "Now that's not playing straight."

0:17:230:17:27

Not cricket.

0:17:270:17:29

It's an interesting morality you're working with there.

0:17:290:17:32

Take a good, hard look at yourselves.

0:17:320:17:35

There it is. That's the story of durable Mike Malloy.

0:17:350:17:39

A hero of his time.

0:17:390:17:40

I've got a little task for you to do. A little Christmas party game.

0:17:400:17:44

I've got these phonebooks here and they've been interleaved.

0:17:440:17:47

That's all it is. There's no glue or anything.

0:17:470:17:50

They've literally, like a pack of cards, one page inside another...

0:17:500:17:53

-That must have taken ages.

-It did. Our props people are very proud of their work. There you are.

0:17:530:17:58

-We'll share.

-All I want you to do - you've got ropes there - is just pull them apart.

0:17:580:18:03

-So you can take one each.

-Can't be done.

-Go on, pull them apart.

-It can't be done.

0:18:030:18:08

-Go on. Try. You can't, can you?

-It can't be done.

0:18:080:18:10

You literally can't.

0:18:100:18:11

It's quite extraordinary.

0:18:110:18:13

-Strong as Brian is...

-Go on, pull, Brian, pull!

0:18:130:18:16

Sean's alive!

0:18:280:18:30

How come your water wasn't spilt? That's magical.

0:18:370:18:40

Yes. Yes, it's an old trick.

0:18:400:18:42

Me and Brian have been doing this trick for years.

0:18:420:18:45

That is, I think, proof positive...

0:18:450:18:48

I'm trying to sit on top of me tipped-up chair.

0:18:480:18:50

A man as strong as Brian, he may pull Sean off his chair, but it can't be done.

0:18:500:18:55

In fact, you need 8,000lbs of force in order to do it.

0:18:550:18:58

-Really?

-Why?

-It really is quite bizarre.

0:18:580:19:00

-It's friction.

-And it's just replicated each time by...

0:19:000:19:03

If you loosen them...

0:19:030:19:06

STEPHEN LAUGHS

0:19:060:19:08

This time it's me. This time it's personal!

0:19:080:19:11

He's having a tantrum.

0:19:110:19:13

ROSS: You can't, can you?

0:19:220:19:24

BRIAN: Still can't do it!

0:19:260:19:28

Hooray!

0:19:300:19:33

How can you tell which of these chicks is male and which is female?

0:19:420:19:46

Oh this must be, this must be.

0:19:460:19:50

-Oh, I'm afraid not.

-BUZZER HOOTS

0:19:500:19:53

In the 1920s, the answer would have been "Nobody knows".

0:19:530:19:58

-Oh, for crying out...

-But in 1929, the Japanese astonished the world

0:19:580:20:02

by revealing that they found a way to sex chicks.

0:20:020:20:05

In other words, to determine their gender. It sounds...

0:20:050:20:08

It sounds so wrong, doesn't it? I know how to sex a chick!

0:20:100:20:13

It seems impossible to the naked eye to do it

0:20:150:20:18

because you have to wait until they're six weeks old.

0:20:180:20:21

In the egg-laying industry, that's a heck of a waste

0:20:210:20:24

because male chicks are of no use whatsoever to the egg-laying industry.

0:20:240:20:28

Gassed on the first day?

0:20:280:20:29

Enjoy your eggs!

0:20:290:20:31

That's why... Ha! Quite.

0:20:310:20:33

So how do you tell the sex, how do you sex a chicken?

0:20:330:20:35

Well, it's very complex. That's the point. It's highly...

0:20:350:20:38

No, we do know. It's highly paid.

0:20:380:20:41

And the discovery lowered the price of eggs worldwide overnight.

0:20:410:20:44

That's how important it was.

0:20:440:20:47

And the Zen Nippon Chick-sexing School was founded.

0:20:470:20:50

That is true.

0:20:560:20:57

You're looking at a graduate.

0:20:570:21:00

And they taught their sexers in such a rigorous way that

0:21:000:21:04

only 5 to 10 percent of applicants received accreditation.

0:21:040:21:08

When you passed, you were paid huge sums of money.

0:21:080:21:10

-COD-CHINESE ACCENT: You're a chick master.

-Yeah, hundreds of dollars a day.

0:21:100:21:14

-It was a really big business.

-Boy.

-It still is.

-How do you know?

0:21:140:21:17

I know.

0:21:170:21:20

-You don't know.

-There was one handsome...

0:21:200:21:22

The best in the business can sex around 1,200 chicks an hour and there

0:21:240:21:28

are some incredibly talented ones who can have one in each hand...

0:21:280:21:31

Boy. Girl. Boy. Boy. Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl. Boy. Girl. Girl. Girl.

0:21:310:21:35

Boy. Girl. Boy. Girl. Boy-y-y.

0:21:350:21:38

The point is, the point is you pick them up and you just go like that and pop them in bins.

0:21:400:21:46

Girl bin, boy bin. Girl bin, boy bin.

0:21:460:21:48

And you can do 1,200.

0:21:480:21:50

So, something to do with the weight?

0:21:500:21:51

-No, it's not. They look, they do a slight squeeze...

-A girl.

0:21:510:21:55

You won't like this, they do a slight squeeze.

0:21:550:21:57

Eek! And if they go, "Ow," they're a girl.

0:21:570:22:00

-That's naughty.

-If they go, "steady on, mate..."

-..it's a boy.

0:22:030:22:07

They have a cloacal tract, which is their reproductive and their excretory tract,

0:22:070:22:12

and there is a slight difference in the ridges and bumps - sort of innies and outies that they have.

0:22:120:22:16

So you do a slight squeeze.

0:22:160:22:18

If it's too big, you throttle them or the outie becomes an innie,

0:22:180:22:22

so it's a real skill.

0:22:220:22:23

This is something I vaguely knew about growing up in Norfolk.

0:22:230:22:26

Because, in Norfolk, there is a community of Vietnamese turkey-sexers who live...

0:22:260:22:30

I know it sounds mad!

0:22:320:22:34

I can never watch Platoon again!

0:22:340:22:36

You've ruined Apocalypse Now for me.

0:22:360:22:39

I'm sorry about that.

0:22:390:22:40

What sexy chicken?

0:22:400:22:42

You tell me now!

0:22:420:22:43

This is this.

0:22:450:22:46

I know it sounds bonkers.

0:22:460:22:48

They live in tunnels under the Fens.

0:22:480:22:52

This is not in the Fens, it's in Norfolk, he said, defensively.

0:22:520:22:55

The Fens are in Cambridgeshire, I mean Huntingdonshire.

0:22:550:22:58

Tell me they work for Bernard, please.

0:22:580:23:01

Well, of course. Bernard Matthews is the largest employer for...

0:23:010:23:04

Mr Matthew, this one beau-iful.

0:23:040:23:06

Imagine being conned by a pig salesman.

0:23:140:23:17

It's called buying a pig in a poke.

0:23:170:23:20

There is actually a phrase for it.

0:23:200:23:22

-Pig salesmen used to be dishonest.

-Really?

-Yeah.

0:23:220:23:24

Can I say that, Nina?

0:23:240:23:25

-What, pig in a poke?

-Can I say that?

0:23:250:23:27

-Is that what that means?

-Go on, say pig in a poke.

0:23:270:23:29

That is a challenge to a ventriloquist. Come on.

0:23:290:23:32

-No, if I said pig in a poke, it's fine.

-You say it, Gran.

0:23:320:23:36

-No.

-Ohhh!

0:23:360:23:38

Go on, Gran. Pig in a poke.

0:23:380:23:40

Yay!

0:23:400:23:41

That was impressive.

0:23:410:23:44

Oh, indeed.

0:23:440:23:45

How long do the best hugs last?

0:23:460:23:50

-20 seconds.

-That's a very long hug.

0:23:500:23:52

I would start getting embarrassed and restless if someone hugged me for 20 seconds.

0:23:520:23:56

Do you want to test that? Can we test that?

0:23:560:23:59

Yeah, no, please.

0:23:590:24:00

Oh, hello. Here we go.

0:24:020:24:04

That was lovely.

0:24:080:24:11

I'm on the clock.

0:24:110:24:12

I'm on the clock.

0:24:120:24:14

Yep. That was... Oh, God, this is too long.

0:24:140:24:16

-It is really bad.

-This is too long.

-This is really long.

-Oh, I'm embarrassed now.

0:24:160:24:21

Dave, did you say, "I'm on the clock"?

0:24:210:24:23

-On the clock, yeah.

-And, lovely! Thank you.

0:24:230:24:27

-That's got to be at least 20 seconds and that was embarrassing.

-That was very uncomfortable.

0:24:270:24:31

-See if you can beat it!

-Oh, God!

0:24:310:24:33

Oh that's lovely. Lovely.

0:24:380:24:40

Gather round. Come on.

0:24:400:24:43

Group hug.

0:24:430:24:44

Heavens above!

0:24:480:24:49

I've been waiting years to do this.

0:24:500:24:52

Well, if you lot are all hugging, I'm playing tiddlywinks so sod the lot of you!

0:24:520:24:57

Right, that was love... That was unusual.

0:24:570:25:00

-RONNI: Aw, that was lovely.

-I wasn't expecting that response

0:25:000:25:04

-but it was charming. You're both wearing very nice aftershave, by the way.

-Want your watch back?

0:25:040:25:09

Which well-known invention is

0:25:110:25:14

"the wickedness which lurks in the belly and deserves to dwell in the cesspool"?

0:25:140:25:18

"The wickedness which lurks in the belly..."

0:25:200:25:23

-Nina's cooking?

-Sunny Delight.

0:25:250:25:28

-Oh, I know!

-Yes, Gran?

-We know cos this is...

0:25:300:25:32

Er, yes, because, erm,

0:25:320:25:34

I'm a belly-speaker.

0:25:340:25:36

You are a belly-speaker. Ven-tril-o-quism.

0:25:360:25:38

That's it. So you're a tummy-speaker.

0:25:380:25:40

And it was considered to be possession by demons if someone

0:25:400:25:43

could have this voice come from their tummy, that didn't seem to come out of the mouth,

0:25:430:25:47

-or throw their voice, as you used to say.

-Ah.

0:25:470:25:50

And there was a Patriarch of Constantinople by the name of Photios

0:25:500:25:53

who once ex-communicated the Pope.

0:25:530:25:55

LAUGHTER

0:25:550:25:56

And he was the one...

0:25:560:25:58

There you are! Have a go. Have a go.

0:25:580:25:59

Oh, have we all got one of these?

0:25:590:26:01

-Pig in a poke.

-Yes.

0:26:010:26:04

I'm very impressed.

0:26:060:26:07

The weird thing is...

0:26:090:26:11

ELECTRICAL BUZZ

0:26:110:26:12

That puppet is a ventriloquist and its lips didn't move when you said that.

0:26:120:26:17

Really?

0:26:170:26:18

So it is operating you, which is fantastic.

0:26:180:26:22

It really is a lot...

0:26:220:26:23

It really is a lot harder than it looks.

0:26:230:26:26

Give me hope.

0:26:260:26:29

-You've had a stroke, dear.

-Hello.

0:26:290:26:31

-It's like ET.

-Hey!

0:26:350:26:37

-Ohhh!

-Hig in a hoke.

0:26:370:26:39

No, don't, Gran.

0:26:390:26:40

Oh, no, let's not kiss.

0:26:400:26:42

I am Bogdan. I like you very much.

0:26:420:26:45

You are attractive lady.

0:26:450:26:47

-You're too small for me, dear.

-Oh.

0:26:470:26:50

For certain, you'd never see the light of day again.

0:26:500:26:53

Come with me. I have Oyster card.

0:26:530:26:57

Are you, are you moving your lips?

0:27:000:27:02

How about that? Urgh-urr, der, er, der.

0:27:020:27:06

You do look like you're in a state, you really do.

0:27:060:27:10

Sean, let's see if you can do any better.

0:27:100:27:14

SILENCE

0:27:140:27:15

LAUGHTER

0:27:150:27:17

-Are you hoping we're going to...

-I'm not moving my lips. I'm just...

0:27:170:27:21

Oh, sorry. It's a left-handed puppet, isn't it? Sorry.

0:27:210:27:25

I'll speak.

0:27:250:27:27

Oooh.

0:27:270:27:29

-It looks like he's...

-Ooh.

0:27:290:27:31

That's the only thing I tend to do, this "oooh".

0:27:310:27:34

This is great. This is great!

0:27:380:27:42

You don't actually have to stretch your mouth to do it.

0:27:420:27:45

It's the only way I can do it. I can't do it any other way.

0:27:450:27:49

BELL DINGS

0:27:560:27:59

Wa-hey!

0:27:590:28:00

Oh, no. Oh, I've broken it.

0:28:000:28:03

Oh! Oh, Bill Bailey.

0:28:080:28:10

What the hell's he doing?

0:28:100:28:14

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

0:28:170:28:19

What a wretched disappointment to us all, you are.

0:28:220:28:25

I can't get the talking to... I can't get to talking to you.

0:28:290:28:33

Well, you're an idiot.

0:28:330:28:35

It's very difficult.

0:28:360:28:38

-You have to look like you're listening when you're talking.

-You look at her when she's talking?

0:28:380:28:43

You have to look like you're listening when you're talking.

0:28:430:28:46

-It's quite difficult.

-The first rule of showbusiness - make everything look easy.

0:28:460:28:50

-Yes, that's true.

-Like this half-wit over here.

0:28:500:28:53

I'm milking it for all it's worth, dear.

0:28:530:28:55

APPLAUSE

0:28:580:29:01

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:040:29:07

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0:29:070:29:10

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