VG Part 2 QI

Goo-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.

Good evening and welcome to QI,

where we have an ill-assorted imbroglio of interesting items initiated by I.

So, when was the First World War first named as such?

At the outbreak, the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand.

You think they called it the First World War straightaway?

Before it started.

It would be an act of a pessimist to call it the First World War that early, surely?

It's going to be some point after 1939, isn't it?

A realist, surely.

There's going to be more of these.

BUZZER AND BELL RINGS

Excuse me, I think what I said, people in the box, is after 1939.

Which may contain 1939 but does not mean it.

BUZZER AND BELL RINGS.

0K, no-no-no.

After 1939 and after the Second World War are not synonymous.

Now, this is just giving you time to type.

BUZZER AND BELL RINGS

Why don't you just type Mitchell is a cock.

I'm going to an offer you a reward,

I've got a plate here of insect related foods, Sarah, and you can choose your award.

This is a lolly which has got ants in it.

This is a scorpion brittle, like a peanut brittle

and it's got a scorpion in it.

I don't know if you can see it?

Or just some dried bugs here. Would you like one of those?

And where's the treat part?

Chocolate ant, would you like chocolate ant?

I'll suck it.

-Would you like...

-No.

-Are you sure, are you going to risk any one of these?

-I'll have a look at them.

If I had a chocolate ant would you have one?

I'll let you go first.

-I've eaten it.

-I'm not really bothered, to be honest.

-No.

You made me eat it.

According to PR Week, the magazine, the bible of PR people.

-I've done the PR Week awards.

-Have you?

-I have indeed.

-I'm sure you went down very well.

-Oh, yes, I did.

-Well, everyone said you did.

-Did you make merry with them?

-I did, I was a little bit cheeky.

-I just did a really good, clever joke.

-What was it, sorry?

-Oh, I don't know.

I wouldn't put that much pressure on it, Alan.

-I heard it.

-I'm sorry.

Well, you know did the PR Week awards.

Did you go down well, and I said, "Everyone said he did."

Oh, right.

Very good.

They all went, "Excellent, excellent, excellent."

Do it again.

I actually presented the PR Week Awards.

-Oh, was it a success, did you go down well?

-Everyone said he did.

Get out of town. Get out of town.

I actually filled in for one of you.

I was called as your replacement

and they didn't have time to reassign the hotel room

-and my...

-My boy.

Only one? One?!

I opened up the minibar, oh, there's a couple of boys.

A mini boy.

No, there were no boys, but...

There's your boy on a rope in the shower.

I don't know what you think of me,

you've got it all wrong.

The thing was they didn't realise, the staff in the hotel didn't realise

the room had been reassigned.

So, somebody phoned up and my wife answered

He went, "Hello." And she went,

"Yes, hello, could I order some coffees? She doesn't speak like that, I don't know why...

She's like the Queen, "Hello, could I have some coffee?"

No, she said, "Hello, can I have some coffee, please?

And the bloke, he said, "Certainly, Mrs Fry."

As if to say, "Well done, sir. Finally seen sense."

STEPHEN COUGHS

Are you OK?

Excuse me.

Take a moment.

How's that ant working out?

Oh, no, they're delicious they could solve the problems of starvation by killing us.

I have got a problem in my throat.

Look at that man looming over you. "At last,

"I got you, Fry."

Maybe that was a mistake.

One brave ant, what we're going to do, we're going to cover you in chocolate.

We're going to put you in front of Stephen Fry. You're going to go down there,

you're going to sort things out.

Once you're inside, release it.

They've got a terrible bitter aftertaste the smoked insects, the little ants.

I had them at Bug World in Liverpool.

Were you supposed to eat them because isn't that..?

You can eat them at the end.

Exactly, is it shut now because you ate everything?

Going to the National History Museum just lifting the cases.

I've also got acid reflux, I have to say.

One little ant, and here am I supposed to be advertising it as the future of humanity,

and I have to say I feel like shit at the moment.

That has not gone down well

Did you hear that when the Pope was in England,

did you hear about the Irishman who went to visit the Holy Father, he said,

"I need a miracle, can you do something about my hearing?"

And the Pope grabbed him by the ears and just pressed really hard,

"In nomine, et fili, et spiritus, sancti, amen."

He said, "How is your hearing now?"

"I don't know, it's not till Wednesday."

Sorry, I'm very sorry.

I'm going to give an ingenious interview now

because I wonder if you know about shape-memory alloys?

You know we have one. This is called titinol.

This is a spoon, as you can see, it's a perfectly normal spoon.

Did I say titinol, sorry, that's the Frankie Howerd in me.

It is called Nitinol.

Because of its nickel and titanium

and I've got the glass of cold water here just to show you this.

You pop it in the glass of cold water,

don't expect anything to happen, nothing does, it's a spoon.

But it's a double crystalline structure which was only discovered in 1962.

If I put it into a glass of hot water

it instantly reverts to a memorised shape, like so.

I should put it here so the camera can see it.

Like that, just like that.

I have not bent it, I have not done a Uri Geller trick.

That's rather weird.

What do you mean a memorised shape, though?

Under hot conditions that is its structure.

Under cold conditions, I mean I can straighten it. Like that. There it is.

If somebody put you in cold water, would you be straight?

It seems strange, when you were talking about it earlier, a shrimp,

-it is an insect but we'll quite happily eat that.

-Yes.

Pick the legs off it, take the head off and delicious.

I know, and lobsters and things, as you say,

we'll happily eat them as a treat.

But these, oh, God.

It's not done me any favours.

I felt so confident, I was going to have the scorpion as well.

I'm not now.

I'll have the scorpion.

Do you want the scorpion?

Oh, my dear fellow, there you are.

I've had those.

The aftertaste of them is just horrendous.

It is there for hours. I'll have that.

Are you going to eat it now?

If I put all mouth it might...

-I'll break it in half.

-That's a good idea.

Make it manageable.

Half the poison, half the fun.

That's God telling me something, isn't it?

It is. Wow, that is one tough...

I think the scorpion might be alive. I think it might be like Han Solo.

Not any more, it's not.

Tail end, or front?

I would go for the front, the tail end might have a sting in it.

Always ask a lady.

Ohh, James Carr.

-Oh.

-Well, you could hardly break the thing so...

Come back in nine hours.

You're having one too, good for you, excellent.

Well, I've been licking the brittle. I thought I'm going to be here all night.

I was eating like a Club biscuit. Just to get all the chocolate off.

-Is it quite sweet in there, it's basically sugar?

-It's horrible.

Can't feel my toes.

Oh, dear.

It's like hemlock, it just works all the way up.

It's like bonfire night with death.

Go on, Sarah, you know you want to.

-You've got to be joking.

-Have a lick, anyway.

Is this why you had the chocolate ant?

What if we all develop superpowers as a result of this?

Oh,

Alan had the ant.

How could you eat that?

You saw what it did to me.

He has the problem of nausea?

-That is a repellent.

-It is, isn't it?

-As soon as you break the chocolate it whiffs.

-I know, it's not nice.

Hang on, hang on, something's happening.

Hurray.

Oh, my God.

Johnny the scorpion.

Are scorpions known for forward rolls?

Definitely.

Now, I'm going to hand out some more toys.

-So, there's even more fun to be had.

-Quoits.

I ought to tell you the winner gets the teddy bear.

-Well, the fluffy toy should I say.

-You've got to be joking.

-Oh, you've really raised the stakes, now.

-You will get the fluffy toy.

We'll start with, Dave. Good luck.

Who says this shows been dumbed down?

ALL: Oh.

ALL: Oh.

-It's like being on a fairground.

-For the pride of it. Come on.

I've got a bit of dirt on my poor kit.

Let's have a read?

Oh, the tension.

ALL: Oh.

Did you see that?

I saw it.

I was there.

He'll be unbearable.

It's all right, he's already unbearable.

I was only joking before, I've got my own dirty mags in the dressing room.

-Don't let him get it.

-Watch out for the bloke.

Don't let him get it.

ALL: Yes!

And you get the cuddly toy.

Oh, no.

And here it is.

Oh, it's like the fairground.

I never said it would be that one.

Anything off the bottom, anything off the bottom.

If Lee was a nice man, he'd give that to you, Ronnie, but...

That's true, I would.

We have here a list of job interview questions you shouldn't ask

if you are on this side of the table, as it were.

If we're the panel. You're not supposed ask "Are you a smoker?" I don't know why.

Are you originally from the OK...

From the UK, is a no.

If you're interviewing for a cowboy, that's...

I was going to say it's not OK to say are you from the UK. I just screwed it up.

Do you have children who need to be looked after, you shouldn't ask.

In the event of a fire, will you stop working? Can't ask that.

Do you plan to have children in future, you are not supposed to ask.

Then, what are your weaknesses, is a common question.

The temptation, of course, is to attempt to subvert it

by naming a weakness which is actually a strength.

Oh, my trouble is I'm just a terrible perfectionist.

I just can't stop working at things until they are completely perfect.

I'm so punctual.

Yes, my problem is I'm really nice, I think I'm too nice.

And that is transparent, so don't do that.

So you're supposed to say one that is not terrible,

like I tend to get bogged down in details but I'm making a real effort about that.

I'm a terrible thief.

I love other people's stuff.

I also can't conc... Oh, look there's a squirrel.

What are your weaknesses?

Heroin and masturbating, not necessarily in that order.

What are your strengths? Now, here's another one.

I've got an odour, I've got a powerful odour.

It will only get stronger as the day goes on.

You're still wearing your "I don't want a bloody job" hat, aren't you?

These feet stink by four o'clock.

-I've tried a scorpion and an ant.

-Well done.

-That's it.

That's like the start of a really bad musical.

# I tried a scorpion I tried an ant. #

# Tried an ant. #

# That's it! #

# Try a bug Try a bug.

-# No. #

-Jimmy Carr, what have you eaten?

-I haven't tried anything.

-# Now, I'm an insect sycophant. #

It's like that terrible joke I'm sure you must have been told

about the couple who adopt a German baby.

-Ha-ha-ha.

-You know it, yes? You must know it.

Is there only one joke that involves a German baby?

It doesn't speak. You know the one where he doesn't speak?

Until he's about five. Then they go and take him to be tested.

Cos they think is he stupid? Is he deaf and dumb?

Everything functioning normally, he's fine and then one day.

-Go home.

-They give him, he has some apple strudel and he says...

-(WITH A GERMAN ACCENT)

-This Apfel Strudel is a bit tepid.

And they say, "Wolfgang? You've never spoken before.

"After all these years, now you finally speak.

"Why haven't you spoken before?" He says...

Up until now everything had been satisfactory.

It's a great joke.

-Very pleasing.

-Like a relay joke.

This is the most fun a Danish person has had with a German since 1943.

-So have you had anything?

-No.

-You should try an ant, really.

-I think you should have an ant.

-No, well, you're not me mum, so...

You might all end up with super powers,

but, you know, you'll need somebody to save.

-Oh, that's true.

-We'll need someone to push us round.

-We'll need some home help, once we get our super powers.

-We will.

-We'll all be delirious.

-Oh, goodness.

Remember, never put anything in your mouth that hasn't been boiled.

I thought that was an old mother's thing.

My mum said,

"You don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to."

-Well.

-That was my sex chat.

You're talking to a man with a scorpion lolly.

-JIMMY:

-That was your sex chat?

-Yeah.

Didn't mention your vagina, then, just your mouth.

Well..

Oh, no.

I don't know what came over me.

-This is my first time on the show.

-I know.

Don't make me put a scorpion up my nunny.

Anyway, we've got this little example of a, sort of,

optical illusion here.

If you photograph it in the right way, as you're about to see,

the eye plays extraordinary tricks on you.

So there it is. This is Einstein. There he is in profile.

And there's the inverted bit, but hello.

Your eye tells you that's poking outwards, and yet it isn't.

That's the inside bit,

and your eye refuses to believe it until...

you get to that.

-Oh, you're twisting my melon, man.

-Isn't that extraordinary?

-Why does it do that?

-Well, it does that

because your brain is programmed to recognise human faces,

and it's one of the first things babies do, is look at faces.

And you expect to see a face, and even though you know it isn't a real face,

your brain fills in the gaps.

Do it again. And does this, Stephen, does it only work with Einstein?

-No.

-Would it work with another man?

-It would work with any human being.

-Aa-aah.

-It is really creepy, it's amazing, isn't it?

-But it's done it...

I can't believe it did the same trick twice.

We're not going to fall for it this time.

No way, not three times on the run.

-OK, outside, outside, outside, outside.

-Outside, outside.

-This is going to be inside, Lee.

-Inside, inside, inside, inside, inside.

-Aaah, aaah.

-How'd it do it?

-It's so clever, isn't it? We literally filmed this.

-I mean, you can see, that's all it is.

-This is a great trick.

I might cut my head in half and scoop out my brain.

What a wonderful thing!

It would make the most wonderful blancmange or something, wouldn't it?

Are we going to bother with the rest of the show? Cos I could happily...

-Watch it go.

-I'm... It's lovely chatting and everything,

-and I love what we do, but let's just...

-You're hypnotised.

Shakespeare coined over 1,000 new words,

but not all of them caught on.

Here are some of the ones that didn't.

See if you can put them into a sentence for me.

-Swoltery. Quatch.

-Quatch.

-I've got a swoltery quatch at the moment.

Already we're there, aren't we?

It wappened when I put my kickie-wickies on.

-Your foxship, what wappened, cockled boggler?

-Carlot?

-That's a thing - that's where people sell second-hand cars.

-That's a sexy garage.

-Well, that's true, actually.

-A boggler is a very clumsy burglar.

Urr-rrgh.

A burglar that can't believe the stuff he's getting his hands on.

Look at this DVD player!

What is a kickie-wickie? Is that like Russell Brand's version of a football or something?

-It's an affectionate term for a wife.

-Aw.

-Ah, my dear kickie-wickie.

A kickie-wickie is not an affectionate term for a wife!

-Kickie.

-Domestic violence was a lot more acceptable.

Ah, the old smashie-washie.

The old battery-wattery.

Punchie-wunchie.

Well, you've all done very well. So you can have some balloons as a reward.

You should find some balloons down there.

They're modelling balloons, and all I want to do is to see what you can make

in as quick a time as you can.

Stop it.

Behave.

-There's an example behind you.

-Excuse me,

but I have never, ever seen brown balloons before.

-It is a first.

-What sort of...? What are you celebrating with...?

Ah, they've put out the brown balloons!

-It is an usual colour, I'll grant you.

-Starfish.

A starfish, well done.

-Oh, hello. Oh, something's happening there.

-Sausages.

Sausages. Excellent.

I'm still scared of balloons banging, ever since I was a kid.

These balloons are special, kind of, balloonable...

That's a condom, this one.

It looks...

-Yes.

-Oh, very good. Brian's having the most trouble, I'd say.

-Yes.

No, you're on, you've got two together, you've done well.

-Oh, Alan!

-It's a three-legged dog.

-It's excellent!

Alan! Triumph!

It's a three-legged dog with an erection.

A three-legged dog with an erection. That may be a first.

You know, in America, there are two... Oh, hello! Very fine!

That'll be a joy at Ascot. That's superb, superb.

That's the, er... That.

-Yeah?

-That's the gonorrhoea molecule.

-Very fine.

-Kids love it at parties.

"Can you get us another one of them molecules?

"With venereal diseases?"

Of all these moons... Like, this is the one thing I wanted to ask you.

Of all these moons, which one's most likely to be the home to ewoks?

It would be, er, Titan.

-Titan, yeah?

-Titan, it's got a thicker atmosphere than the Earth.

So, you'd need to be furry.

Good answer.

We just have to destroy the one that has Jar Jar Binks on it, though.

It's very important when you're learning,

-studying, to know which notes to take. Not just to take any old notes.

-Exactly. I saw that.

Intelligence at work. Now...

There is something unique as well about the Brazil nut.

As you probably know, there are people who are allergic to nuts,

but the Brazil nut, uniquely, amongst all the nuts,

this is really unfortunate,

you can sexually transmit Brazil nut to a partner.

That is to say, if a male has eaten a Brazil nut

and they inseminate a person who is allergic,

that person's allergy will... they will be affected by it.

-That's a good murder plot.

-Isn't it?

It is amazing.

I actually feel right in the middle of an episode of House now.

Cos that is... How on Earth has that been found out?

Surely, the woman would feel the Brazil nut.

I think you may have slightly misunderstood.

A man would too, really.

May contain nuts.

Can you imagine the circuit of Saturn's moon, Titan?

-That's so cold that it's got liquid methane.

-Hold on, I know a Titan.

Titan's the one where the ewoks live!

-Titan, yes.

-Yeah!

-That place.

-Go on.

-You see.

So, hang on, I've got it, I've got it.

-So, basically, you're saying you can shatter an ewok?

-Yes.

-Because it got lakes of liquid methane because it's so cold.

-Wow!

And the methane behaves exactly like water on Earth.

So, you get rain, methane rain.

You get methane snow, methane ice and lakes of methane.

-There's a lake there which is as large as Lake Superior.

-Of methane?

-Which is essentially a fart. Liquid fart?

-Yeah, exactly.

I don't want to go there, strike it off.

If I could stand on a planet and throw an ewok

into a lake of fart, that'd just be...

-that'd be like...

-Smash it into a fart.

Well, you couldn't because it would shatter.

Even better!

So, right. So, I could be tossing ewoks into a lake of fart. Ah.

That's your heaven. Everyone has their own heaven - that's yours.

-That is, ah...

-When you say tossing ewoks into a lake of fart?

-Steady.

-No. That's exactly what I meant.

-Ooh.

You know what, after this show finishes,

I'm off, I don't care, you'll never see me again.

"Where is he?" "He's off tossing ewoks again.

"Into his lake of fart on a pedalo made of smoke."

The fact is, there was so much promise with robots

and a lot of artificial intelligence research.

And the fact is... Sorry, is it just this atmosphere? Are you thirsty?

I could do with... Can we have a drink? Thank you.

I've got a friend, here, that's going to bring me a drink.

-It's not that YO! Sushi, is it? When the thing comes round.

-No, no. Here we are.

-ROBOT: This is for you.

-Thank you.

That's very kind of you. Welcome to QI, Asimo.

Thank you, Stephen. It is great to be here.

-Isn't he marvellous?

-Here I am, brain the size of a planet...

opening doors.

So, you're the most advanced humanoid robot on the planet,

-is that right?

-That is what they tell me.

-Why don't you show us what you can do?

I would love to.

-Is it going to kill me?

-Honestly.

I promise you, you're going to be impressed.

I mean, this is... It's this movement that is so simple to us.

You know, they can do calculations we could never dream of doing.

Any computer. But this movement he's doing, he's going to go down a step.

Right?

Give him time.

If he falls over, that's 20 million quid up the Swanee, isn't it?

Now.

Now he's going to do something that I think no-one in this room will ever have seen,

which is, I think, truly miraculous.

Studio audience killed by runaway robot.

No, he is going to run. I'd like you to run, Asimo.

And this takes him a bit of time, but both feet will leave the ground, and he will run.

Here he goes.

Oh!

Isn't that amazing?

Isn't that incredible?

Well done.

Well done, Asimo. I think it's only fair that you get some points.

Thanks, but what I would really like is a dance with Jo.

I think that can be arranged.

He wouldn't say that if he'd met me.

-Hi, Jo.

-Hi, Asimo. I'm married. Sorry.

FUNKY MUSIC

Oh, yes.

Well done, everybody.

And bowing!

STEPHEN LAUGHS

Amazing.

-I've scored.

-Thank you. Thank you very much, Asimo.

Goodbye, then.

-What's the battery life on one of these?

-Love you.

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