VG Part 2 QI


VG Part 2

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Goo-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.

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Good evening and welcome to QI,

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where we have an ill-assorted imbroglio of interesting items initiated by I.

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So, when was the First World War first named as such?

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At the outbreak, the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand.

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You think they called it the First World War straightaway?

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Before it started.

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It would be an act of a pessimist to call it the First World War that early, surely?

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It's going to be some point after 1939, isn't it?

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A realist, surely.

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There's going to be more of these.

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BUZZER AND BELL RINGS

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Excuse me, I think what I said, people in the box, is after 1939.

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Which may contain 1939 but does not mean it.

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BUZZER AND BELL RINGS.

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0K, no-no-no.

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After 1939 and after the Second World War are not synonymous.

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Now, this is just giving you time to type.

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BUZZER AND BELL RINGS

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Why don't you just type Mitchell is a cock.

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I'm going to an offer you a reward,

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I've got a plate here of insect related foods, Sarah, and you can choose your award.

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This is a lolly which has got ants in it.

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This is a scorpion brittle, like a peanut brittle

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and it's got a scorpion in it.

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I don't know if you can see it?

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Or just some dried bugs here. Would you like one of those?

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And where's the treat part?

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Chocolate ant, would you like chocolate ant?

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I'll suck it.

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-Would you like...

-No.

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-Are you sure, are you going to risk any one of these?

-I'll have a look at them.

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If I had a chocolate ant would you have one?

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I'll let you go first.

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-I've eaten it.

-I'm not really bothered, to be honest.

-No.

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You made me eat it.

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According to PR Week, the magazine, the bible of PR people.

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-I've done the PR Week awards.

-Have you?

-I have indeed.

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-I'm sure you went down very well.

-Oh, yes, I did.

-Well, everyone said you did.

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-Did you make merry with them?

-I did, I was a little bit cheeky.

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-I just did a really good, clever joke.

-What was it, sorry?

-Oh, I don't know.

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I wouldn't put that much pressure on it, Alan.

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-I heard it.

-I'm sorry.

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Well, you know did the PR Week awards.

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Did you go down well, and I said, "Everyone said he did."

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Oh, right.

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Very good.

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They all went, "Excellent, excellent, excellent."

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Do it again.

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I actually presented the PR Week Awards.

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-Oh, was it a success, did you go down well?

-Everyone said he did.

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Get out of town. Get out of town.

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I actually filled in for one of you.

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I was called as your replacement

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and they didn't have time to reassign the hotel room

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-and my...

-My boy.

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Only one? One?!

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I opened up the minibar, oh, there's a couple of boys.

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A mini boy.

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No, there were no boys, but...

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There's your boy on a rope in the shower.

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I don't know what you think of me,

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you've got it all wrong.

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The thing was they didn't realise, the staff in the hotel didn't realise

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the room had been reassigned.

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So, somebody phoned up and my wife answered

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He went, "Hello." And she went,

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"Yes, hello, could I order some coffees? She doesn't speak like that, I don't know why...

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She's like the Queen, "Hello, could I have some coffee?"

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No, she said, "Hello, can I have some coffee, please?

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And the bloke, he said, "Certainly, Mrs Fry."

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As if to say, "Well done, sir. Finally seen sense."

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STEPHEN COUGHS

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Are you OK?

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Excuse me.

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Take a moment.

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How's that ant working out?

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Oh, no, they're delicious they could solve the problems of starvation by killing us.

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I have got a problem in my throat.

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Look at that man looming over you. "At last,

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"I got you, Fry."

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Maybe that was a mistake.

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One brave ant, what we're going to do, we're going to cover you in chocolate.

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We're going to put you in front of Stephen Fry. You're going to go down there,

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you're going to sort things out.

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Once you're inside, release it.

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They've got a terrible bitter aftertaste the smoked insects, the little ants.

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I had them at Bug World in Liverpool.

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Were you supposed to eat them because isn't that..?

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You can eat them at the end.

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Exactly, is it shut now because you ate everything?

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Going to the National History Museum just lifting the cases.

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I've also got acid reflux, I have to say.

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One little ant, and here am I supposed to be advertising it as the future of humanity,

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and I have to say I feel like shit at the moment.

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That has not gone down well

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Did you hear that when the Pope was in England,

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did you hear about the Irishman who went to visit the Holy Father, he said,

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"I need a miracle, can you do something about my hearing?"

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And the Pope grabbed him by the ears and just pressed really hard,

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"In nomine, et fili, et spiritus, sancti, amen."

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He said, "How is your hearing now?"

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"I don't know, it's not till Wednesday."

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Sorry, I'm very sorry.

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I'm going to give an ingenious interview now

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because I wonder if you know about shape-memory alloys?

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You know we have one. This is called titinol.

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This is a spoon, as you can see, it's a perfectly normal spoon.

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Did I say titinol, sorry, that's the Frankie Howerd in me.

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It is called Nitinol.

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Because of its nickel and titanium

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and I've got the glass of cold water here just to show you this.

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You pop it in the glass of cold water,

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don't expect anything to happen, nothing does, it's a spoon.

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But it's a double crystalline structure which was only discovered in 1962.

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If I put it into a glass of hot water

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it instantly reverts to a memorised shape, like so.

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I should put it here so the camera can see it.

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Like that, just like that.

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I have not bent it, I have not done a Uri Geller trick.

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That's rather weird.

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What do you mean a memorised shape, though?

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Under hot conditions that is its structure.

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Under cold conditions, I mean I can straighten it. Like that. There it is.

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If somebody put you in cold water, would you be straight?

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It seems strange, when you were talking about it earlier, a shrimp,

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-it is an insect but we'll quite happily eat that.

-Yes.

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Pick the legs off it, take the head off and delicious.

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I know, and lobsters and things, as you say,

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we'll happily eat them as a treat.

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But these, oh, God.

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It's not done me any favours.

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I felt so confident, I was going to have the scorpion as well.

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I'm not now.

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I'll have the scorpion.

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Do you want the scorpion?

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Oh, my dear fellow, there you are.

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I've had those.

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The aftertaste of them is just horrendous.

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It is there for hours. I'll have that.

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Are you going to eat it now?

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If I put all mouth it might...

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-I'll break it in half.

-That's a good idea.

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Make it manageable.

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Half the poison, half the fun.

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That's God telling me something, isn't it?

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It is. Wow, that is one tough...

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I think the scorpion might be alive. I think it might be like Han Solo.

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Not any more, it's not.

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Tail end, or front?

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I would go for the front, the tail end might have a sting in it.

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Always ask a lady.

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Ohh, James Carr.

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-Oh.

-Well, you could hardly break the thing so...

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Come back in nine hours.

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You're having one too, good for you, excellent.

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Well, I've been licking the brittle. I thought I'm going to be here all night.

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I was eating like a Club biscuit. Just to get all the chocolate off.

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-Is it quite sweet in there, it's basically sugar?

-It's horrible.

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Can't feel my toes.

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Oh, dear.

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It's like hemlock, it just works all the way up.

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It's like bonfire night with death.

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Go on, Sarah, you know you want to.

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-You've got to be joking.

-Have a lick, anyway.

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Is this why you had the chocolate ant?

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What if we all develop superpowers as a result of this?

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Oh,

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Alan had the ant.

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How could you eat that?

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You saw what it did to me.

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He has the problem of nausea?

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-That is a repellent.

-It is, isn't it?

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-As soon as you break the chocolate it whiffs.

-I know, it's not nice.

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Hang on, hang on, something's happening.

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Hurray.

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Oh, my God.

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Johnny the scorpion.

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Are scorpions known for forward rolls?

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Definitely.

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Now, I'm going to hand out some more toys.

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-So, there's even more fun to be had.

-Quoits.

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I ought to tell you the winner gets the teddy bear.

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-Well, the fluffy toy should I say.

-You've got to be joking.

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-Oh, you've really raised the stakes, now.

-You will get the fluffy toy.

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We'll start with, Dave. Good luck.

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Who says this shows been dumbed down?

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ALL: Oh.

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ALL: Oh.

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-It's like being on a fairground.

-For the pride of it. Come on.

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I've got a bit of dirt on my poor kit.

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Let's have a read?

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Oh, the tension.

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ALL: Oh.

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Did you see that?

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I saw it.

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I was there.

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He'll be unbearable.

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It's all right, he's already unbearable.

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I was only joking before, I've got my own dirty mags in the dressing room.

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-Don't let him get it.

-Watch out for the bloke.

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Don't let him get it.

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ALL: Yes!

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And you get the cuddly toy.

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Oh, no.

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And here it is.

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Oh, it's like the fairground.

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I never said it would be that one.

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Anything off the bottom, anything off the bottom.

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If Lee was a nice man, he'd give that to you, Ronnie, but...

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That's true, I would.

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We have here a list of job interview questions you shouldn't ask

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if you are on this side of the table, as it were.

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If we're the panel. You're not supposed ask "Are you a smoker?" I don't know why.

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Are you originally from the OK...

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From the UK, is a no.

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If you're interviewing for a cowboy, that's...

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I was going to say it's not OK to say are you from the UK. I just screwed it up.

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Do you have children who need to be looked after, you shouldn't ask.

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In the event of a fire, will you stop working? Can't ask that.

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Do you plan to have children in future, you are not supposed to ask.

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Then, what are your weaknesses, is a common question.

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The temptation, of course, is to attempt to subvert it

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by naming a weakness which is actually a strength.

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Oh, my trouble is I'm just a terrible perfectionist.

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I just can't stop working at things until they are completely perfect.

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I'm so punctual.

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Yes, my problem is I'm really nice, I think I'm too nice.

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And that is transparent, so don't do that.

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So you're supposed to say one that is not terrible,

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like I tend to get bogged down in details but I'm making a real effort about that.

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I'm a terrible thief.

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I love other people's stuff.

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I also can't conc... Oh, look there's a squirrel.

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What are your weaknesses?

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Heroin and masturbating, not necessarily in that order.

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What are your strengths? Now, here's another one.

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I've got an odour, I've got a powerful odour.

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It will only get stronger as the day goes on.

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You're still wearing your "I don't want a bloody job" hat, aren't you?

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These feet stink by four o'clock.

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-I've tried a scorpion and an ant.

-Well done.

-That's it.

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That's like the start of a really bad musical.

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# I tried a scorpion I tried an ant. #

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# Tried an ant. #

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# That's it! #

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# Try a bug Try a bug.

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-# No. #

-Jimmy Carr, what have you eaten?

0:14:450:14:46

-I haven't tried anything.

-# Now, I'm an insect sycophant. #

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It's like that terrible joke I'm sure you must have been told

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about the couple who adopt a German baby.

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-Ha-ha-ha.

-You know it, yes? You must know it.

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Is there only one joke that involves a German baby?

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It doesn't speak. You know the one where he doesn't speak?

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Until he's about five. Then they go and take him to be tested.

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Cos they think is he stupid? Is he deaf and dumb?

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Everything functioning normally, he's fine and then one day.

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-Go home.

-They give him, he has some apple strudel and he says...

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-(WITH A GERMAN ACCENT)

-This Apfel Strudel is a bit tepid.

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And they say, "Wolfgang? You've never spoken before.

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"After all these years, now you finally speak.

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"Why haven't you spoken before?" He says...

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Up until now everything had been satisfactory.

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It's a great joke.

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-Very pleasing.

-Like a relay joke.

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This is the most fun a Danish person has had with a German since 1943.

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-So have you had anything?

-No.

-You should try an ant, really.

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-I think you should have an ant.

-No, well, you're not me mum, so...

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You might all end up with super powers,

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but, you know, you'll need somebody to save.

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-Oh, that's true.

-We'll need someone to push us round.

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-We'll need some home help, once we get our super powers.

-We will.

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-We'll all be delirious.

-Oh, goodness.

0:16:270:16:30

Remember, never put anything in your mouth that hasn't been boiled.

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I thought that was an old mother's thing.

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My mum said,

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"You don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to."

0:16:370:16:40

-Well.

-That was my sex chat.

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You're talking to a man with a scorpion lolly.

0:16:410:16:44

-JIMMY:

-That was your sex chat?

-Yeah.

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Didn't mention your vagina, then, just your mouth.

0:16:490:16:53

Well..

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Oh, no.

0:16:550:16:56

I don't know what came over me.

0:16:580:17:00

-This is my first time on the show.

-I know.

0:17:010:17:06

Don't make me put a scorpion up my nunny.

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Anyway, we've got this little example of a, sort of,

0:17:110:17:15

optical illusion here.

0:17:150:17:16

If you photograph it in the right way, as you're about to see,

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the eye plays extraordinary tricks on you.

0:17:190:17:22

So there it is. This is Einstein. There he is in profile.

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And there's the inverted bit, but hello.

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Your eye tells you that's poking outwards, and yet it isn't.

0:17:280:17:32

That's the inside bit,

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and your eye refuses to believe it until...

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you get to that.

0:17:370:17:38

-Oh, you're twisting my melon, man.

-Isn't that extraordinary?

0:17:380:17:41

-Why does it do that?

-Well, it does that

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because your brain is programmed to recognise human faces,

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and it's one of the first things babies do, is look at faces.

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And you expect to see a face, and even though you know it isn't a real face,

0:17:490:17:54

your brain fills in the gaps.

0:17:540:17:56

Do it again. And does this, Stephen, does it only work with Einstein?

0:17:560:18:01

-No.

-Would it work with another man?

0:18:010:18:03

-It would work with any human being.

-Aa-aah.

0:18:030:18:05

-It is really creepy, it's amazing, isn't it?

-But it's done it...

0:18:050:18:09

I can't believe it did the same trick twice.

0:18:090:18:11

We're not going to fall for it this time.

0:18:110:18:14

No way, not three times on the run.

0:18:140:18:16

-OK, outside, outside, outside, outside.

-Outside, outside.

0:18:160:18:19

-This is going to be inside, Lee.

-Inside, inside, inside, inside, inside.

-Aaah, aaah.

0:18:190:18:25

-How'd it do it?

-It's so clever, isn't it? We literally filmed this.

0:18:280:18:31

-I mean, you can see, that's all it is.

-This is a great trick.

0:18:310:18:35

I might cut my head in half and scoop out my brain.

0:18:350:18:38

What a wonderful thing!

0:18:420:18:43

It would make the most wonderful blancmange or something, wouldn't it?

0:18:430:18:46

Are we going to bother with the rest of the show? Cos I could happily...

0:18:460:18:50

-Watch it go.

-I'm... It's lovely chatting and everything,

0:18:500:18:53

-and I love what we do, but let's just...

-You're hypnotised.

0:18:530:18:57

Shakespeare coined over 1,000 new words,

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but not all of them caught on.

0:19:000:19:02

Here are some of the ones that didn't.

0:19:020:19:04

See if you can put them into a sentence for me.

0:19:040:19:06

-Swoltery. Quatch.

-Quatch.

-I've got a swoltery quatch at the moment.

0:19:060:19:11

Already we're there, aren't we?

0:19:130:19:15

It wappened when I put my kickie-wickies on.

0:19:200:19:23

-Your foxship, what wappened, cockled boggler?

-Carlot?

0:19:230:19:28

-That's a thing - that's where people sell second-hand cars.

-That's a sexy garage.

0:19:280:19:31

-Well, that's true, actually.

-A boggler is a very clumsy burglar.

0:19:310:19:37

Urr-rrgh.

0:19:370:19:38

A burglar that can't believe the stuff he's getting his hands on.

0:19:380:19:42

Look at this DVD player!

0:19:430:19:46

What is a kickie-wickie? Is that like Russell Brand's version of a football or something?

0:19:460:19:51

-It's an affectionate term for a wife.

-Aw.

-Ah, my dear kickie-wickie.

0:19:510:19:56

A kickie-wickie is not an affectionate term for a wife!

0:19:560:19:58

-Kickie.

-Domestic violence was a lot more acceptable.

0:19:580:20:01

Ah, the old smashie-washie.

0:20:030:20:05

The old battery-wattery.

0:20:050:20:07

Punchie-wunchie.

0:20:070:20:09

Well, you've all done very well. So you can have some balloons as a reward.

0:20:090:20:13

You should find some balloons down there.

0:20:130:20:15

They're modelling balloons, and all I want to do is to see what you can make

0:20:150:20:18

in as quick a time as you can.

0:20:180:20:20

Stop it.

0:20:210:20:23

Behave.

0:20:260:20:27

-There's an example behind you.

-Excuse me,

0:20:270:20:30

but I have never, ever seen brown balloons before.

0:20:300:20:33

-It is a first.

-What sort of...? What are you celebrating with...?

0:20:340:20:40

Ah, they've put out the brown balloons!

0:20:400:20:42

-It is an usual colour, I'll grant you.

-Starfish.

0:20:420:20:47

A starfish, well done.

0:20:470:20:48

-Oh, hello. Oh, something's happening there.

-Sausages.

0:20:490:20:53

Sausages. Excellent.

0:20:530:20:54

I'm still scared of balloons banging, ever since I was a kid.

0:20:570:21:00

These balloons are special, kind of, balloonable...

0:21:000:21:03

That's a condom, this one.

0:21:030:21:04

It looks...

0:21:090:21:11

-Yes.

-Oh, very good. Brian's having the most trouble, I'd say.

-Yes.

0:21:110:21:16

No, you're on, you've got two together, you've done well.

0:21:160:21:20

-Oh, Alan!

-It's a three-legged dog.

-It's excellent!

0:21:200:21:24

Alan! Triumph!

0:21:240:21:26

It's a three-legged dog with an erection.

0:21:260:21:28

A three-legged dog with an erection. That may be a first.

0:21:290:21:33

You know, in America, there are two... Oh, hello! Very fine!

0:21:340:21:38

That'll be a joy at Ascot. That's superb, superb.

0:21:440:21:48

That's the, er... That.

0:21:490:21:50

-Yeah?

-That's the gonorrhoea molecule.

0:21:500:21:54

-Very fine.

-Kids love it at parties.

0:21:570:22:01

"Can you get us another one of them molecules?

0:22:010:22:05

"With venereal diseases?"

0:22:050:22:07

Of all these moons... Like, this is the one thing I wanted to ask you.

0:22:080:22:11

Of all these moons, which one's most likely to be the home to ewoks?

0:22:110:22:17

It would be, er, Titan.

0:22:180:22:21

-Titan, yeah?

-Titan, it's got a thicker atmosphere than the Earth.

0:22:210:22:24

So, you'd need to be furry.

0:22:240:22:28

Good answer.

0:22:300:22:31

We just have to destroy the one that has Jar Jar Binks on it, though.

0:22:390:22:42

It's very important when you're learning,

0:22:420:22:45

-studying, to know which notes to take. Not just to take any old notes.

-Exactly. I saw that.

0:22:450:22:49

Intelligence at work. Now...

0:22:490:22:51

There is something unique as well about the Brazil nut.

0:22:510:22:55

As you probably know, there are people who are allergic to nuts,

0:22:550:22:59

but the Brazil nut, uniquely, amongst all the nuts,

0:22:590:23:03

this is really unfortunate,

0:23:030:23:06

you can sexually transmit Brazil nut to a partner.

0:23:060:23:11

That is to say, if a male has eaten a Brazil nut

0:23:110:23:14

and they inseminate a person who is allergic,

0:23:140:23:18

that person's allergy will... they will be affected by it.

0:23:180:23:24

-That's a good murder plot.

-Isn't it?

0:23:240:23:28

It is amazing.

0:23:310:23:32

I actually feel right in the middle of an episode of House now.

0:23:340:23:39

Cos that is... How on Earth has that been found out?

0:23:390:23:42

Surely, the woman would feel the Brazil nut.

0:23:420:23:45

I think you may have slightly misunderstood.

0:23:480:23:51

A man would too, really.

0:23:510:23:52

May contain nuts.

0:23:520:23:56

Can you imagine the circuit of Saturn's moon, Titan?

0:23:580:23:59

-That's so cold that it's got liquid methane.

-Hold on, I know a Titan.

0:24:000:24:04

Titan's the one where the ewoks live!

0:24:040:24:08

-Titan, yes.

-Yeah!

-That place.

-Go on.

-You see.

0:24:080:24:12

So, hang on, I've got it, I've got it.

0:24:120:24:14

-So, basically, you're saying you can shatter an ewok?

-Yes.

0:24:140:24:17

-Because it got lakes of liquid methane because it's so cold.

-Wow!

0:24:170:24:22

And the methane behaves exactly like water on Earth.

0:24:220:24:24

So, you get rain, methane rain.

0:24:240:24:26

You get methane snow, methane ice and lakes of methane.

0:24:260:24:30

-There's a lake there which is as large as Lake Superior.

-Of methane?

0:24:300:24:33

-Which is essentially a fart. Liquid fart?

-Yeah, exactly.

0:24:330:24:37

I don't want to go there, strike it off.

0:24:370:24:39

If I could stand on a planet and throw an ewok

0:24:390:24:43

into a lake of fart, that'd just be...

0:24:430:24:45

-that'd be like...

-Smash it into a fart.

0:24:450:24:48

Well, you couldn't because it would shatter.

0:24:480:24:51

Even better!

0:24:510:24:53

So, right. So, I could be tossing ewoks into a lake of fart. Ah.

0:24:540:25:00

That's your heaven. Everyone has their own heaven - that's yours.

0:25:000:25:03

-That is, ah...

-When you say tossing ewoks into a lake of fart?

-Steady.

0:25:030:25:08

-No. That's exactly what I meant.

-Ooh.

0:25:080:25:12

You know what, after this show finishes,

0:25:120:25:15

I'm off, I don't care, you'll never see me again.

0:25:150:25:18

"Where is he?" "He's off tossing ewoks again.

0:25:180:25:22

"Into his lake of fart on a pedalo made of smoke."

0:25:220:25:26

The fact is, there was so much promise with robots

0:25:280:25:30

and a lot of artificial intelligence research.

0:25:300:25:33

And the fact is... Sorry, is it just this atmosphere? Are you thirsty?

0:25:330:25:36

I could do with... Can we have a drink? Thank you.

0:25:360:25:39

I've got a friend, here, that's going to bring me a drink.

0:25:390:25:41

-It's not that YO! Sushi, is it? When the thing comes round.

-No, no. Here we are.

0:25:410:25:45

-ROBOT: This is for you.

-Thank you.

0:25:530:25:55

That's very kind of you. Welcome to QI, Asimo.

0:25:580:26:01

Thank you, Stephen. It is great to be here.

0:26:020:26:04

-Isn't he marvellous?

-Here I am, brain the size of a planet...

0:26:050:26:10

opening doors.

0:26:100:26:11

So, you're the most advanced humanoid robot on the planet,

0:26:130:26:17

-is that right?

-That is what they tell me.

-Why don't you show us what you can do?

0:26:170:26:23

I would love to.

0:26:230:26:25

-Is it going to kill me?

-Honestly.

0:26:250:26:27

I promise you, you're going to be impressed.

0:26:270:26:32

I mean, this is... It's this movement that is so simple to us.

0:26:320:26:38

You know, they can do calculations we could never dream of doing.

0:26:380:26:41

Any computer. But this movement he's doing, he's going to go down a step.

0:26:410:26:44

Right?

0:26:440:26:46

Give him time.

0:26:460:26:48

If he falls over, that's 20 million quid up the Swanee, isn't it?

0:26:480:26:51

Now.

0:26:530:26:55

Now he's going to do something that I think no-one in this room will ever have seen,

0:27:010:27:04

which is, I think, truly miraculous.

0:27:040:27:07

Studio audience killed by runaway robot.

0:27:070:27:10

No, he is going to run. I'd like you to run, Asimo.

0:27:100:27:13

And this takes him a bit of time, but both feet will leave the ground, and he will run.

0:27:130:27:18

Here he goes.

0:27:180:27:20

Oh!

0:27:200:27:21

Isn't that amazing?

0:27:230:27:25

Isn't that incredible?

0:27:260:27:29

Well done.

0:27:310:27:33

Well done, Asimo. I think it's only fair that you get some points.

0:27:330:27:37

Thanks, but what I would really like is a dance with Jo.

0:27:370:27:42

I think that can be arranged.

0:27:460:27:49

He wouldn't say that if he'd met me.

0:27:510:27:54

-Hi, Jo.

-Hi, Asimo. I'm married. Sorry.

0:27:570:28:02

FUNKY MUSIC

0:28:030:28:06

Oh, yes.

0:28:090:28:11

Well done, everybody.

0:28:390:28:42

And bowing!

0:28:430:28:45

STEPHEN LAUGHS

0:28:470:28:49

Amazing.

0:28:490:28:51

-I've scored.

-Thank you. Thank you very much, Asimo.

0:28:510:28:55

Goodbye, then.

0:28:550:28:57

-What's the battery life on one of these?

-Love you.

0:28:570:29:00

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0:29:130:29:16

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0:29:160:29:20

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