Inventive QI


Inventive

Stephen Fry waxes inventive with Nina Conti, Sean Lock, Bill Bailey and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.

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Welcome to QI where, tonight, we'll be putting sliced bread to shame

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and reinventing the wheel in a show all about inventions.

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Joining me at the lab bench, we have a world first, Nina Conti and Gran.

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-Hello.

-APPLAUSE

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The peculiarly innovative Sean Lock.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The patently absurd Bill Bailey.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And I'm afraid it's back to the drawing board, Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Now, panel,

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if you have any bright ideas you wish to share,

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-activate the light bulb in front of you. Bill goes...

-BELL

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-Sean goes...

-HIGHER-PITCHED BELL

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-And Nina or Gran goes...

-HIGHER-PITCHED BELL

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-And Alan goes...

-ELECTRIC CURRENT NOISE

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-LAUGHTER

-Excellent.

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-Er...so you've brought your grandmother with you.

-"Hello".

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Is she familiar with our rule we have in this series?

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We have a 'don't know' rule. We have a 'Nobody Knows' rule.

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-Right.

-There's a joker you have, which is the 'Nobody Knows'...

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TANNOY: Nobody knows!

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There may be a question to which nobody actually knows the answer.

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The answer is, nobody knows. Can she...?

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-There you go, Gran.

-"I can hold it."

-Have you got it?

-"It's a bit..."

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-She's got a little bit of arthritis in the fingers.

-"It's mesmerising."

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-Do you want me to hold it for you?

-"No, dear."

-Oh, all right.

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"Slap me on the bottom with it, dear."

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-"I won't be like that, I'm just excited."

-Fair enough.

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Good. Now, my first question is,

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why should you be glad that you didn't invent the flying car,

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the parachute suit or the web rotary press?

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I've got a feeling that the guy with the parachute suit, didn't he die?

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He did.

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Um...and then it does follow that they all died.

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They were all killed by their own inventions.

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The inventor of the web rotary press, for example,

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which was a huge advance and revolutionised printing,

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and unfortunately the inventor fell into the works and got gummed up in them and died.

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-Really?

-Yeah. Very sad business.

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But it did change printing. He was called William Bullock.

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-Which bit of it did he fall in?

-Well, into the gearing. I can't imagine how he managed it.

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A bloke the other day, he went through a machine,

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and his whole body went through a tunnel the size of a CD and he survived.

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What?!

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LAUGHTER

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Was it Ronnie Corbett? LAUGHTER

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Yeah. That would explain it.

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No, his whole head went in, broke every bone in his body...

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-But he did live?

-He lived...

-Wow!

-..to tell the tale.

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Unfortunately, though, he is now in a redundant format.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Sad.

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That was the fate of William Bullock.

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When it comes to the parachute suit, it was a man called Franz Reichelt who was an Austrian,

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who was convinced he could jump off the Eiffel Tower, this was in 1912, wearing a parachute suit.

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People warned him it was not a good idea, but he was utterly confident.

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He ripped a page out of a book to test which way the wind was going

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and his last words were, "A bientot."

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Unfortunately, that was the instruction manual(!)

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He jumped off and hit the ground a little bit too hard,

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and was dead.

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So that was not a good result.

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That's not actually an invention, then, is it?

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That's just a really stupid thing to do.

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Yes.

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Where's the grey area where inventions become...suicide?

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It was a parachute suit that might have worked from higher up.

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The principle behind it was sound, as we know from parachutes, they do work.

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-But he just...

-He invented jumping off things.

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He invented jumping off things badly, yeah.

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The flying car you ought to know about.

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This was a Californian engineer called Henry Smolinski.

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-Look at that.

-"It's lovely.

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"I can't fly or drive though, because I can't see, because my eyes are marbles.

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"But I can point where I want to go, look. There!

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"Higher! There's buildings down there.

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-"Hello."

-Hello.

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-"Pull my finger, dear."

-OK.

-"Nothing happened."

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LAUGHTER

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You've got a very, very warm finger there, Gran.

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"Oh, no, don't say that, dear.

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"It'll draw attention to it. Where it's been."

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All right, thank you! Thank you!

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Thank you, Gran.

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On the face of it, it's rather a marvellous idea.

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Smolinski's idea was that you drove to an airport, you collected the wings,

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you'd fly 500 miles-odd to the next city,

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where you'd take the wings off and you would drive off again.

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And it worked really well.

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Then in 1973 he was on a flight and one of the struts broke

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and he and his co-pilot plunged to their death.

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The idea was never thought of again. I think it should be brought back.

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I thought he would have died when he was in the air

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and he got up to go around with the drinks trolley.

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LAUGHTER

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-It's simple. It worked with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

-Yes.

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Did they have two sets of controls?

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-You've asked an intelligent question.

-Extraordinary(!)

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-Hooray!

-APPLAUSE

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Joysticks and it will turn over like in Thunderbirds?

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Was it a big switch? Plane - car.

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The car steering was modified so you could fly from the driver's seat

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so it was pretty much all-in-one.

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-So you could steer it with the steering wheel?

-Yes.

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-I'd love one of those, wouldn't you?

-I'd love one too.

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-"Difficult to park, dear."

-Yeah, difficult to park.

-I think it's a brilliant idea.

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"I just have to stay in the overhead compartment,

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-"don't I, dear?"

-Yeah, I put her in the overhead compartment.

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-Aw, that's a bit mean.

-"No nuts."

-Right! I feel like I have to open the compartment slowly

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-just in case you fall out and injure someone.

-"Fall out and hurt someone, yes."

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-"It's tragic."

-It is.

-"I'll keep going. Happy days."

-Are you allowed to use the loo?

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"No, I don't have any bodily functions, dear."

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"I just sit there for comfort. But nothing happens."

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-Too much information!

-I imagine there's all these other grans

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in the overhead compartments, all... all crawling about during the flight.

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I don't know why you even go on the plane, why don't you just post yourself?

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"It's very expensive, dear. I'm heavy."

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That's not true. I lost her once on a plane, by an airline,

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-which for legal reasons, I'm not supposed to name.

-"Ryanair."

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LAUGHTER

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-"Would you put your granny in the hold, dear?"

-No, I wouldn't.

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I have a friend who has one of those micro pigs

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and she puts the pig in hand luggage in the cabin without telling them.

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-It's only a pig, isn't it?

-It's one of those tiny pigs.

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Are they easy to look after? My wife would love one of those.

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You can grow them in special tubes so they're triangular and they will fit in a Toblerone box.

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-Well, somebody...

-Is that a Toblerone... Oink! ..no.

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-Sometimes they grow and grow and basically you've got a huge pig.

-You've just got an actual pig.

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What you bought was a piglet.

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Imagine being conned by a pig salesman!

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It's called buying a pig in a poke. It's a phrase for it.

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-Pig salesmen used to be dishonest.

-"Can you say that, Nina?"

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-What? Pig in a poke.

-"Can I say that?"

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-Go on, say, pig in a poke.

-"That's a challenge to a ventriloquist."

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-If I say, pig and a poke, it's fine.

-You say it, Gran.

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-"No."

-AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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-Go on, Gran.

-"Pig in a poke."

-APPLAUSE

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That was impressive!

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-How do they do that?

-I didn't know it meant that.

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A pig in a poke? What's a poke, then?

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A poke is a sack. A pocket is a small poke.

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-So you haven't seen the pig?

-Exactly.

-It could be a dog.

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The point is all those inventions tragically killed their inventors.

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Which well-known invention is the wickedness which lurks in the belly

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and deserves to dwell in the cesspool?

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The wickedness which lurks in the belly.

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-Er...

-Do you know...

-Sunny Delight.

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-"I know!"

-Gran?

-We know because this... Yes...

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Um...I am a belly speaker.

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You are a belly speaker. Ventriloquism.

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That's it. You're a tummy speaker.

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It was considered to be a possession by demons

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if someone could have this voice come from their tummy.

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It didn't seem to come out of their mouths... Or throw their voice.

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And a Patriarch of Constantinople by the name of Photius,

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who once excommunicated the Pope, and he was the one...

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There you are! Have a go. Have a go.

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Oh, have we all got these?

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-MUMBLING:

-Pig in a poke.

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-APPLAUSE

-I am very impressed.

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-Here's one.

-The weird thing is...

-ELECTRIC CURRENT NOISE

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That puppet is a ventriloquist

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and its lips didn't move when you said that

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so it's operating you which is fantastic.

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It really is a lot...

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-MUMBLING:

-"It really is a lot harder than it looks."

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-"You've had a stroke, dear."

-LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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"He looks like ET."

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-No, don't, Gran.

-"I am Bogdan.

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"I like you very much."

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"You are attractive lady."

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"If I start on you, you'll never see the light of day again."

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"Come with me. I have Oyster Card."

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LAUGHTER

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-MUMBLING:

-"Are you moving your lips?"

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MUMBLING

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MUMBLING

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Sean, let's see if you can do any better.

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-Are you hoping...

-I'm not moving my lips.

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Oh, sorry, it's a left-handed puppet. Sorry!

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GROANING

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That's the only thing I tend to do is... GROANING

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LAUGHTER

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"Pieces of eight. Pieces of eight."

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You don't actually have to stretch your mouth.

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It's the only way I can do it. I can't do it any other way.

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SCREAMING

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-BELL

-Hey!

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"Oh, no."

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-Oh, I've broken it.

-You have!

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Oh!

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-BELL

-Oh, Bill Bailey!

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"What the hell's he doing?"

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0h, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

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What a wretched disappointment to us all you are.

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SOBBING

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I can't get the talking to... I can't get the talking to you.

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-MUMBLING:

-"You're an idiot."

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-It's very difficult.

-You have to look like you're listening when you're talking.

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-You look at her?

-Yes, you have to look like you're listening

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when you are in fact talking. It's quite difficult.

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-"The first rule of showbusiness, make everything look easy."

-Sorry.

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-That's true.

-"Not like this half-wit over here,

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-"milking it for all it's worth."

-LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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I think...it doesn't matter if your lips move because, surely, this gives the game away.

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LAUGHTER

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-In those circumstances, yes.

-A stick here suggests it's not actually a real thing

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so it doesn't really matter whether my lips move, does it?

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"I thought this was a highbrow show."

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In order to make it highbrow, I'm sure you can help us, Nina, on the history of ventriloquism.

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I know that it has a very dark history

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and that ventriloquists used to earn a living as if their words were Divine utterances.

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-Yes, that's the point.

-LAUGHTER

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I'm so sorry.

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I'm sorry. I was listening but my hand came out of the top.

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I shocked myself(!)

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-That's very disturbing.

-It is quite disturbing.

-Really disturbing.

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That's horrible. It looks like Alien.

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SCREAMING

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It looks like Lady Gaga's sleeves.

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Well, you're absolutely right,

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it was regarded as Divine utterance or demonic possession, in fact.

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-And I know one woman died from her ventriloquism.

-Who was that?

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Um...but I don't know her name. I bet you do.

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-With her utterances, she was objecting to the marriage of Henry VIII...

-To Anne Boleyn.

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-To Anne Boleyn.

-Her name was Elizabeth Barton

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and she was known as the Holy Maid of Kent.

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She was a very good ventriloquist

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and these voices would come without her mouth moving as if from her stomach.

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-"Nice tits too."

-LAUGHTER

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She became very popular until she started to say...

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-Look at the bloke looking at her tits as well!

-LAUGHTER

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"You've got yours out as well tonight.

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"Is that to distract from the lip movement?"

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She was very popular until she said

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that if Henry VIII married Anne Boleyn he would be deposed.

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Henry VIII didn't like that so had her head chopped off.

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-Ironically, her head was put on top of a pole...

-And carried on talking(!)

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It was quite a strange fate for a ventriloquist to have their head stuck on a pole.

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But she was indeed, she suffered for her art.

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But in the 19th Century it became known to be a piece of entertainment rather than demonic spirits.

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-But the first ventriloquists on stage didn't have dummies.

-What did they have?

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They used to do things like voices inside suitcases.

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There would be ones who did chimney sweeps, there'd be a chimney

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and they'd do the sound of the boy going up and getting more and more

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smothered and quieter and more distant as he went.

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Huge rounds of applause but it was a man called Fred Russell

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-who came up with his character Coster Joe was one of the first.

-Was he blind?

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He made that one afternoon.

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It's not the most beautiful object you've ever seen, is it?

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That's when dummies became popular. Speaking of which,

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which of you here has ever had an imaginary friend?

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Did you ever have an imaginary friend, Gran?

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-"Bill..."

-She can't say his name!

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"I think Bill Bailey, that is a hard one,

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-"I think you're my imaginary friend. And slightly out of focus."

-Really?

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-"Fuzzy kind of, and you, Sean..."

-That is strange.

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My reality is being called into question by...

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LAUGHTER

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It's one of the odder conversations I've had but...

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"If your imaginary friend falls over in the forest and there's no-one to hear, does that...? I can't finish."

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That's a good philosophical point. We're getting Bishop Barclay from Gran, I'm impressed!

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Did you have one? A lot of children do.

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-I'm not aware of it.

-Your mother would have told you.

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They didn't use to come round much.

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-Quite!

-An imaginary friend that doesn't play with you.

-An imaginary friend who cuts you dead!

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I wanted to be his friend but...

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LAUGHTER

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-Aw, that's so sad.

-He just wasn't interested.

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We're all familiar obviously with the concept of it

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and the fact that lots of children do seem to have an imaginary friend which can worry their parents.

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-Really peculiar.

-It is peculiar. You have to lay places at table for them.

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They have to be given seats on the sofa to watch TV and so on. They have tea parties for them.

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But, according to psychiatrists, having an imaginary friend is a very good thing for a child

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and that children have had them tend to have more social and verbal skills than those who don't.

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Although, a certain proportion of them are malevolent.

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Some people have imaginary friends who scare them, a worrying thought. A nasty imaginary friend.

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-I hear voices.

-Do you?

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But I ignore them and I just carry on killing.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-The voices say, "Stop killing people, Sean!"

-Stop it!

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You know this is wrong, Sean, they don't deserve it.

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I ignore them.

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It is quite a phenomenon.

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It was actually Yasser Arafat who said the history of religious wars

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is the history of people fighting over their imaginary friends.

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It is weird that the leader of the PLO,

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who founded the Palestinian movement which is now of course so bound up with

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religious extremism, was himself rather sceptical about it all.

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The world is hardly come on, has it? Let's be honest.

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The interesting thing I knew about him, he married a Frenchwoman.

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You wouldn't think that, would you?

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It's not beyond the bounds of reason!

0:18:240:18:27

Well, you'd think he's very interested in helping his local area,

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he'd choose one of his local women.

0:18:310:18:33

Yes, but the very nature of being a Palestinian meant

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he had no homeland, so it is quite likely he'd choose someone from a land where he'd resided in exile.

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And many did in France.

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Or maybe she was just an imaginary wife.

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Maybe she was. Or maybe she was just damn hot.

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She was foxy.

0:18:500:18:52

Foxy, exactly.

0:18:520:18:54

-Was he...?

-Was he a pussy hound?

-I don't know.

0:18:540:18:57

I... Wow! LAUGHTER

0:18:570:18:59

Did I say that?

0:18:590:19:02

LAUGHTER

0:19:020:19:03

Something has gone wrong.

0:19:030:19:07

I'm intrigued to think that is what you thought I was about to say.

0:19:070:19:12

You looked into my eyes and thought, he's going to say "pussy hound".

0:19:120:19:17

I'll beat you to it! I'll beat you to the punch.

0:19:170:19:20

LAUGHTER

0:19:200:19:22

Now...

0:19:220:19:23

Is a pussy hound like a liger?

0:19:230:19:26

It's a kind of a cat and a dog together.

0:19:270:19:30

It's like a dog that gentlemen would send out to find ladies.

0:19:310:19:35

WHISTLES

0:19:350:19:37

So, it's kind of independent and yet loyal.

0:19:390:19:44

-Yes.

-Yes, I like that.

0:19:440:19:47

-Very good.

-"Disgusting."

0:19:470:19:48

Now, you all have an invention under your benches. And we'd like to know what they are.

0:19:480:19:54

-What are we looking it?

-It's some kind of measuring device.

0:19:540:19:57

-We've given it you for a reason.

-Oh!

0:19:570:20:00

-Really?

-Yes, a particular quality you have.

0:20:000:20:03

-You might be more likely to guess it than others.

-I see.

0:20:030:20:07

Is it a beard measuring device?

0:20:070:20:08

No, I would not call your beard a quality. It's a lovely beard but it's not a quality.

0:20:080:20:14

-Whoa, whoa!

-It's a feature!

-You've crossed the line, Fry.

0:20:140:20:20

-It is a lovely, charming facial feature.

-Right.

-It has a musical connection.

0:20:200:20:24

If you were certain kind of instrumentalist,

0:20:240:20:26

-you might be born, as it were, with limitations that annoy you.

-Ah! Wait a minute.

0:20:260:20:31

-Is this something which stretches the reach of the pianist?

-Yes. That is exactly what it is.

0:20:310:20:35

-Wow.

-Well done.

0:20:350:20:38

That's right. Most people might be able to manage an octave C to C

0:20:400:20:46

and some as you know can do C to E.

0:20:460:20:48

-I can do C to E.

-Can you? That's a wide reach.

-It is a wide reach.

0:20:480:20:52

I see. So, a hand would go in there,

0:20:520:20:54

-and you'd undo this thing here.

-That's right and stretch and stretch until...

0:20:540:20:58

-This would then stretch and stretch.

-Yeah.

0:20:580:21:00

-Stretch and stretch like that.

-Yeah.

0:21:000:21:02

Yeah, supposedly that would give you...

0:21:020:21:04

-Ow!

-Exactly.

0:21:040:21:06

So, what have you got there, Sean?

0:21:060:21:09

-It's a bottle, Stephen.

-And what do you think it's for?

0:21:090:21:12

For putting stuff in.

0:21:120:21:14

OK, so, next, moving onto you.

0:21:140:21:17

What have you got there?

0:21:190:21:21

"Is this one mine? It's a suppository."

0:21:210:21:24

Well, the bizarre thing is you're not far off.

0:21:240:21:27

-Really?!

-"Oh, no."

0:21:270:21:28

If you unscrew the bottom.

0:21:280:21:30

-You have to help me, Gran.

-"With my teeth!"

0:21:300:21:34

-Help me.

-"I can't get a grip."

0:21:340:21:37

-Maybe Bill will help.

-You get one of those with...

0:21:370:21:39

"I can't do it, dear!"

0:21:390:21:41

-Yes?

-With Preparation H.

0:21:410:21:43

-Alan's on it.

-Has this been up someone's arse?

-Yes!

0:21:430:21:47

Alan has exactly got it.

0:21:490:21:51

When you get Preparation H, you screw a plastic one of those on the top.

0:21:510:21:55

-You insert it in your rectum.

-Yeah.

0:21:550:21:57

And the dark oil comes out of the holes.

0:21:570:22:00

Comes the haemorrhoid treatment - exactly right. For the treatment of haemorrhoids.

0:22:000:22:04

-So what happens? This unscrews?

-Yes, and you pop in the ointment.

0:22:040:22:08

-The ointment goes in there.

-Then you screw it up.

0:22:080:22:11

Then you put the thing up your botty. Up the old...

0:22:110:22:14

You screw that and, the ointment squirts up, reaches all places it needs to reach.

0:22:140:22:18

-"It squirts up, happy days, dear."

-That's quite clever.

0:22:180:22:22

Because half the people on the planet will be afflicted with haemorrhoids in their lives.

0:22:220:22:27

Ah... Wha...is this something you could self medicate or...?

0:22:270:22:31

Yes, you don't need to, ask a friend to do it if you want.

0:22:310:22:35

I imagine that would be best, to be perfectly honest.

0:22:350:22:39

What are yours, Alan? What have you got?

0:22:390:22:41

I have got a pair of glasses that enable me to see into my lap.

0:22:410:22:44

I wonder if they are...

0:22:440:22:48

-cos I can read this book.

-Yeah.

-But I am looking up at you whilst I'm looking down, I can read

0:22:480:22:54

and write but see straight ahead.

0:22:540:22:58

So are they for an artist or painter?

0:22:580:23:00

Actually, they're more lazy than that.

0:23:000:23:02

They're called lying down spectacles.

0:23:020:23:04

You can lie in bed with a book on your chest and you'd be able to read like that.

0:23:040:23:08

Lying down. It is rather elegant.

0:23:080:23:10

I see, that is exactly what you need when you're sunbathing

0:23:100:23:13

-when you have to hold the book like that.

-Yes!

0:23:130:23:16

You can do it perfectly.

0:23:160:23:18

SEAN: Doesn't look weird at all, it looks great!

0:23:180:23:20

If you got the sun on the mirror, you'd be instantly blinded.

0:23:230:23:26

It's a surprisingly clear image, isn't it?

0:23:260:23:29

Here I have this little device with a cork on the end.

0:23:290:23:34

It's in the shape of a policeman's whistle.

0:23:340:23:37

That is a hint because policemen would carry these around with them.

0:23:370:23:40

That's for blowing bubbles.

0:23:400:23:41

It does look like it. There would be a liquid in there, you're absolutely right.

0:23:410:23:45

It could be a salts of ammonia, sal volatile.

0:23:450:23:48

Oh, smelling salts!

0:23:480:23:50

Smelling salts, exactly. This was called a policeman's Lady Reviver.

0:23:500:23:54

-So...

-LAUGHTER

0:23:540:23:56

"Can I have a sniff?"

0:23:560:23:59

So when a lady fainted in the street,

0:23:590:24:00

the policeman would whip it out there and...

0:24:000:24:03

LAUGHTER

0:24:030:24:05

Please!

0:24:050:24:06

-APPLAUSE

-Oh!

0:24:060:24:09

That was them!

0:24:090:24:14

He would whip it out and wave it under the lady's nose.

0:24:140:24:16

-That would wake her up.

-Wave it under the whoo-hoo!

0:24:160:24:20

Yes. The sharp smell of ammonia,

0:24:200:24:22

which was what was in the smelling salts.

0:24:220:24:24

Have you come to a more sensible decision as to what your flask is for?

0:24:240:24:28

It has it written on it. If you took the trouble to bloody read it.

0:24:280:24:31

LAUGHTER

0:24:310:24:33

-"Harden Star Hand Grenade."

-Yeah.

0:24:330:24:36

It's a hand grenade, Stephen.

0:24:360:24:39

-It's a kind of hand grenade. It's a fire extinguisher hand grenade.

-It's a water grenade.

0:24:390:24:43

You'd fill it with aqueous solution

0:24:430:24:45

and you'd throw it at the fire.

0:24:450:24:46

That was the idea. You'd throw it. Those are our inventions,

0:24:460:24:50

lots of very imaginative ones and they were kindly lent to us by the Maurice Collins Collection.

0:24:500:24:56

All in beautiful condition. Thank for that and for not breaking them.

0:24:560:24:59

Right, that's enough inventions - let's turn our attentions to

0:24:590:25:03

the very real but entirely impractical business of general ignorance.

0:25:030:25:07

So fingers on the buzzers, those that are still working, how did dinosaurs have sex?

0:25:070:25:11

You're right!

0:25:130:25:15

You're right. We just don't know.

0:25:150:25:17

APPLAUSE

0:25:170:25:20

You're good at those.

0:25:200:25:23

No extant genitals.

0:25:230:25:27

No soft tissue, it wouldn't necessarily be soft,

0:25:270:25:30

but the soft tissues are the bits that don't survive in fossils of course.

0:25:300:25:34

It's only in the last 15 years they've been able to sex a dinosaur fossil,

0:25:340:25:37

the female dinosaurs have a special sort of cavity for making extra calcium for eggs.

0:25:370:25:43

That's how you can tell from a fossil whether it's female or male.

0:25:430:25:46

Obviously, that would be wrong because that would be inter-species dinosaur sex.

0:25:460:25:51

The weirdest kind and that would be wrong.

0:25:510:25:54

I think he's just looking for a cheap thrill.

0:25:540:25:58

That's not about procreation at all.

0:25:580:26:01

-No, it isn't.

-That is a dinosaur S&M dungeon that.

0:26:010:26:03

And the best guess is that like most birds and reptiles,

0:26:050:26:08

dinosaurs had a cloacal sac.

0:26:080:26:10

Oh!

0:26:100:26:12

A single opening for both waste and reproduction.

0:26:120:26:15

-Like sharks.

-Like sharks, exactly.

0:26:150:26:17

And they mated by cloacal kiss.

0:26:170:26:20

There we are.

0:26:200:26:21

Name a disease spread by feral pigeons.

0:26:210:26:24

Erm...bum hair.

0:26:240:26:27

-There aren't any.

-Exactly.

0:26:270:26:29

There's nothing wrong with them. Again that's the answer, you're doing awfully well, Alan,

0:26:290:26:34

-you're on fire tonight!

-I'm doing awfully well!

0:26:340:26:36

Basically, this idea that they are disease-infested

0:26:360:26:41

and disease-spreading vermin,

0:26:410:26:43

is nonsense according to experts on pigeons.

0:26:430:26:46

This thing of them being rats with wings is considered very unfair by those in the know,

0:26:460:26:50

they don't spread that much disease.

0:26:500:26:52

They do leave a fair amount of poo but then so do humans, don't we?

0:26:520:26:56

We've just got a better way of dealing with it perhaps.

0:26:560:26:59

I tend not to leave it on people's shoulders.

0:26:590:27:02

Well, that's the difference!

0:27:020:27:05

I mean, I wouldn't say I was well brought up but,

0:27:050:27:08

there's a few benchmarks we tried to set early on...

0:27:080:27:13

in my toilet training.

0:27:130:27:15

That was one - never on the shoulder.

0:27:150:27:17

It had a big red NO through it. It was in my bedroom on the door.

0:27:170:27:20

There's a picture of a man with a turd over his shoulder, and it says, "No, Sean!"

0:27:200:27:27

You learnt your lesson and we're all very tidy pooers I'm sure here in this room, including Granny.

0:27:270:27:34

-"Not at all. Don't even do them, dear. Don't eat, don't excrete."

-Oh!

0:27:340:27:39

That's the secret of a long and happy life.

0:27:390:27:42

And that is your lot. Time to invent the scores.

0:27:420:27:45

Oh, my goodness me! Very exciting. Very exciting indeed.

0:27:450:27:50

I'm afraid, despite some remarkable performances, in last place

0:27:500:27:54

with -3, it's Bill Bailey.

0:27:540:27:57

APPLAUSE

0:27:570:28:01

And erm, in a very creditable fourth place with one point - Alan Davies.

0:28:020:28:06

APPLAUSE

0:28:060:28:10

Third place with three, Sean Lock.

0:28:130:28:15

APPLAUSE

0:28:150:28:19

In second place with four is Gran!

0:28:190:28:22

"Oh! Very nice."

0:28:220:28:24

APPLAUSE

0:28:240:28:28

Which means that our winner with plus five is Nina Conti!

0:28:280:28:31

APPLAUSE

0:28:310:28:33

My thanks to Bill, Nina, Gran, Sean and Alan and I leave you with this from Sid Caesar,

0:28:370:28:42

the guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.

0:28:420:28:46

The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius. Good night.

0:28:460:28:50

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:500:28:52

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:060:29:09

E-mail [email protected]

0:29:090:29:12

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