Invertebrates QI

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well!

Goooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.

And welcome to QI for a show that's all about insects and other invertebrates.

Let me introduce our completely spineless panel.

-Busy as a bee, Jimmy Carr.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Snug as a bug, Sarah Millican.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Knee-high to a grasshopper, Johnny Vegas.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-And banging his head fruitlessly against a window, Alan Davies.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So before we begin, we should hear your buzzes. Jimmy goes...

-FLY BUZZING

-Ooh, it's annoying.

-Sarah goes...

-CRICKETS CHIRP Aw!

-Johnny goes...

-MOSQUITO BUZZES / LAUGHTER

-And Alan goes...

-MOSQUITO BUZZES

SPLATTING

Now, don't forget, there are some questions to which nobody knows the answer.

-FANFARE

-'Nobody knows!'

If you play your joker to a question to which nobody knows the answer you get extra points.

-If you use it at the wrong time, you look like a bit of a tit.

-LAUGHTER

-So, to question one.

-Right.

-LAUGHTER

-What's the point?

-LAUGHTER

-Aw!

What do bees do better than dogs?

-BUZZER

-Yes, Jimmy.

Make honey. LAUGHTER

That's probably true, I have to say.

Probably true! You're giving me probably on making honey.

OK, if that's the way you want to play it.

-I'll give you that one.

-Thank you very much. I'm already in the lead. LAUGHTER

They're better at sneaking up on you than dogs are. You'd never know if a bee had sniffed your crotch.

-LAUGHTER

-Well, you might not.

-There'd be a buzzing noise. But oddly enough, you used the word there...

-Is it crotch?

-LAUGHTER

-No.

-Sniffing?

-Sniffing. We use dogs to sniff,

-to sniff in customs and for security...

-Sniffer bees!

..for explosives and drugs.

It takes a dog about three months at least to be trained

to be a sniffer dog. It takes a bee ten minutes.

All you have to do is put it in a box,

add the smell and some sugar simultaneously, do that a few times,

and it will instantly associate that smell with sugar and a reward and next time it comes across the smell,

its proboscis will come out and if you set it all up right, it will cause an alarm.

-So why aren't we in airports killing bees, then?

-It's beginning to happen.

Unless drug dealers have an allergy to stings,

I can't see them being pinned up against the wall by a policeman...

-LAUGHTER

-..with a bee on a bit of kite twine.

There's a company called Inscentinel which has developed this

and it is beginning to be used by the military and airports and various others.

You pop a bee in a little box and you train it.

-That's not a little box, that's like the worst rucksack ever invented.

-LAUGHTER

What if they like savoury stuff? What if the haven't got much of a sweet tooth?

The great thing about bees is they only like sugar.

There may be a rogue bee that likes meat or salami, and that would be useless.

-Pasties?

-Pasties.

-He wouldn't be able to do that as a job.

-A Cornish bee.

-LAUGHTER

-You shove a few in a box

and then waft them near the thing you want them to check, there it is.

That's not a bad idea cos that's the old joke about the best way to smuggle drugs being in a dog's bum.

Because when the sniffer dogs come through... LAUGHTER

..as soon as the dog sniffs, you just go, "Come here, you! Naughty little thing."

-But with bees, how much could you get in a bee's bum? Very little.

-Very little.

My dad once punched a bee.

-Punched a bee?

-Yeah, it went for him, and it was huge, so he just punched it.

He said it was like a velvet tennis ball. LAUGHTER

A rather beautiful phrase, velvet tennis balls of the sky.

I like that he was thinking of such poetic things when he was punching a bee.

-Bees are valuable and they are in trouble. There seems to be...

-That one was.

-LAUGHTER

-I'm going to offer you a reward.

I've got a plate here of insect-related foods, Sarah,

and you can choose your reward. This is a lolly which has got ants in it.

This is a scorpion brittle, like a peanut brittle, only with a scorpion in it.

I don't know if you can see it. Or just some dried bugs here. Would you like one of those?

And where is the treat part? LAUGHTER

-Chocolate ant, would you like a chocolate ant?

-I'll suck it.

-Would you?

-No. LAUGHTER

-Are you going to risk any of these?

-Erm, I'll have a look at them.

-If I had a chocolate ant, would you?

-Er, I'll let you go first.

-I've eaten it. There it is.

-I'm not really bothered, to be honest with you.

-Ah!

-LAUGHTER

-You made me eat it!

-APPLAUSE

-Well, I want more bravery, because these are treats.

-I don't even eat brown bread.

Don't give things like that to us.

-You think of brown bread as being some sort of strange life form that's...

-Well, it's unnecessary.

-LAUGHTER

-If that's a new range of pick 'n' mix, no wonder Woolies went under.

-LAUGHTER

-It may well be the world is going to turn towards this kind of food

because 2.5 billion of the world's population already regularly eat insects.

Is that just by mistake when you're on a bike? LAUGHTER

These are treats and it may well be that it will solve the problem.

By the year 2030, they reckon there will be

such a shortage of protein on the planet

that there will be a genuine problem of starvation. There's already a problem with starvation

but it will multiply enormously as the population increases.

And insects and other invertebrates may be the answer.

-Spider is genius. Like chicken legs but they have loads of them.

-Yes!

What do you think are the advantages of eating and breeding insects for food?

-You get to pretend to be a giant.

-LAUGHTER

A giant of commerce.

And you can train them all to come and exercise in front of you and get them to build tiny cars.

-LAUGHTER

-Well, there is that.

-And I'll say, "Call me Johnny Nissan!"

-LAUGHTER

-In the wild, when they lay eggs, they lay billions.

-That's right.

Only a few of them survive. But if you've got them, you can have all billion of them.

Yeah, exactly. And they need far less feed than cattle.

They produce far less noxious gas than cattle.

-But how would you contain the insect equivalent of foot-and-mouth?

-LAUGHTER

-That would be a problem.

-"Have you been near a fly?" "Yes." "Leave the airport."

If you're trying to get this as an idea, this could solve starvation,

could you maybe pick a picture of a guy that looks less nuts? LAUGHTER

If you're trying to market it, if he's meant to be Captain Birdseye of the insect world,

he couldn't look any creepier. LAUGHTER

-"They're good for you."

-HE MOANS

"My vocal chords are swelling up."

-There is no reason not to eat them.

-"I expect you to die, Mr Bond."

-LAUGHTER

-Sorry.

-Shrimp is essentially the same thing. It's just in the sea. That one is on land.

-Exactly.

-They are delicious.

-We eat shrimp if there's a special on at Iceland.

-LAUGHTER

-STEPHEN COUGHS

-Excuse me.

-Take a moment.

-It may be that ant.

-It's the ant!

-LAUGHTER

Oh, no, they're delicious, they could solve the problems of starvation by killing us all.

-LAUGHTER

-I have got a problem in my throat.

Look at that man looming over you going, "At last, I got you, Fry."

-Maybe that was a mistake.

-There's one brave ant. "We're going to cover you in chocolate,

"we'll put you in front of Stephen Fry, you're going to go down there and sort things out."

-"Once you're inside, release it."

-I've eaten those.

They've got a terrible bitter aftertaste, the smoked insects,

the little ants. I had them at Bug World in Liverpool.

Were you supposed to eat them? Cos isn't that like a zoo?

Is it shut now because you ate everything? LAUGHTER

-That giant snail was a mistake.

-LAUGHTER

-It looked like a burger.

-Oh!

-You're offered a bit at the end. But then you're not meant to go back on a frenzy and break the others.

Just with a different hat on every time.

I like a zoo where there's a buffet on the way out. Panda burger anyone? LAUGHTER

Go to the Natural History Museum just lifting the cases.

LAUGHTER

I've also got acid reflux, I have to say. One little ant.

Here am I supposed to be advertising it as the future of humanity,

-and I have to say, I feel like shit at the moment.

-LAUGHTER

-That has not gone down well.

-APPLAUSE

The meat marketing board are watching this at the moment going, "Die! Die!"

-LAUGHTER

-Talking of bees and dogs,

do you know the premier site on the internet for dogs that are dressed as bees?

LAUGHTER The best one? My favourite or the most popular one?

LAUGHTER It's beedogs.com.

Can you imagine a bee flying back and going, "I've found the queen!"

-LAUGHTER

-"I've found the mother of all queens!"

I've still got a little scaly something in the back of my throat.

-Have a bit of scorpion brittle to take it away.

-Take the edge off, yeah.

I was so looking forward to being brave and butch and taking this insect.

Revolting! There it is. Oh, a little wing casing or something.

-AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

-Very unpleasant.

What's the best way to charm a worm?

There's a worm. How would you charm a worm?

You tap, don't you? Because when it rains, they come up.

Birds do that when they jump up and down, they make a noise like rain and they come up.

Yes, actually, what they think is that there is a mole nearby.

And the earthworm's way of escaping is to come to the surface, because moles don't come up.

-Are they not friends? I imagine they would be friends.

-No, Moley and Wormy, not friends.

-Moley eaty Wormy.

-I'm going to stop you there, because in my mind, they are quite good friends.

-Aww.

They live underground and they have a terrific old time.

Could you charm a worm with a tiny flute?

Well, it's good you should say this because worm charming is a big, I won't say industry,

but it is a big pastime, both in America and in this country. There is the commercial side of it.

-Erm, because...

-Oh, for God's sake!

-I know.

-LAUGHTER

-I know you've got your "get a life" look on.

-LAUGHTER

-And I do know what you mean, but...

-I really have.

There's nothing that discernable, is there? When you go, "Hi, you've got lovely..."

-Oh, you mean charming them in that sense.

-No eyes.

-They have a little saddle, that can be attractive.

-But that's that myth, that that's where they've been cut in half.

-Oh, I see, and re-grown. Yes.

-Something happened between...

-You can chop them in half. You can do it with any animal.

-Yeah, but they...

-LAUGHTER

-They don't join back together.

No, they can't. It's a myth. But in America they call it grunting, worm charming,

and it's reasonably big business because Americans love to fish,

and obviously bait shops need worms as well as maggots as...

-The girl in the foreground is tapping the ground with flip-flops.

-She is.

-She's got flip-flops on so she's taken extra flip-flops.

-LAUGHTER

-She's only done it to annoy you.

-It looks like a car boot sale where everyone forgot the cars.

-LAUGHTER

-They've been Photoshopped out of the picture.

-APPLAUSE

-It does rather, doesn't it?

-What it is, in Britain, the sport, if I can call it that...

-You may not!

..involves dozens of competitors. Oh, my God!

-Is that a worm on her T-shirt?

-She has a worm on her shirt!

-I don't know if that's a worm. I don't think we should look at that.

-Oh, dear.

-You have to lure as many worms...

-Ken Dodd on the right.

-..as you can in 30 minutes.

-With a recorder?

-Well, with anything you choose. You can just tap...

And why the time constraint, is that because you're out on day release?

-LAUGHTER

-Possibly. The low-point was in Woodhall.

The Woodhall worm charming festival in Lincolnshire, none of the entrants in August 2010

-managed to lure a single worm.

-This is the worm-charming festival, isn't it?

Were those people inside at the time, were they in a building?

Yeah, it was raining, they had to do it in the church hall.

-LAUGHTER

-That would explain it.

-I'm getting nothing.

LAUGHTER

How do they decide the winner if nobody actually lured any worms?

Well, a spokesman said they were all winners because they raised more than £200

for the Woodhall Spa Twinning Association. I don't know who Woodhall is twinned with.

I don't think it's twinned with anywhere. I think they had a suicide pact.

-LAUGHTER

-Why has she got string on her fork? What's going on with these people?

That's her fork, like when you're at the airport, with your case going round, you put a ribbon on.

-At least when you go trainspotting, there are trains.

-LAUGHTER

That's the best thing. The trainspotters are stood on the hill going, "Losers!"

-LAUGHTER

-"Get a life!"

APPLAUSE

-Oh, dear. It's true.

-"Keep digging, Cynthia, they're only jealous."

-LAUGHTER

Well, the fact is, yes, you can vibrate worms to the surface by pretending to be a mole.

Now, how did the thing with the amazing eyes escape from the tank?

Look at that. It's known as a mantis shrimp, although it isn't a true shrimp.

-It's a crustacean.

-It doesn't sound like anything.

-It looks amazing, doesn't it?

Are those the eyes on the top?

The top bits are the eyes, which are extraordinary because they're divided into three.

-So they have three types of vision in each eye. Look at it.

-Like bifocals?

-Yes, they are.

They've got two of these eyes, but even more than that, they have power that is almost beyond belief.

-They can cut through glass.

-Hang on, this is sounding like Saturday morning kids' TV.

-Power beyond belief.

-They do! It's extraordinary...

-Is it the power of prayer, Stephen? Do they pray...

LAUGHTER Do they pray to get out of the tank to the little baby Jesus?

They're mantis shrimps, but not praying mantis shrimps.

Nice though, come on! LAUGHTER

They can accelerate, they can accelerate through the water at 10,000 times the force of gravity,

which causes the water in front of them to boil. I know it sounds mad.

-That's how extraordinary they are.

-It seems like a disadvantage cos when you stop, you're in boiling water.

LAUGHTER "I seem to have cooked myself." So they cook themselves?

They have this amazing power.

They have been known to break out of aquarium glass with one strike of their claw.

-They can actually break the glass and get out of their aquariums.

-Have we got footage of this?

-I can show you one punching its prey.

-It had better have a "Kapow!"

That's it on the left there. And this is obviously massively slowed down.

-And there it... Bang!

-Ooh.

And that was a really... There you go...

-That is insect domestic violence.

-LAUGHTER

It really is. They're very powerful creatures.

They have three sections of each eye. They can see ultra-violet, infrared, polarised,

and are the only creature on earth that can see circularly-polarised light.

-Does that mean they can watch Avatar without the glasses?

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

That's exactly what it means, basically. They're very remarkable creatures.

-Where do they live?

-Vietnam, that's where you find them.

-Would you like to see a shrimp on a running machine?

-More than you know! LAUGHTER

-Take a look at this.

-It's the Iceland research facility.

LAUGHTER

-Aw! How good's that?

-It's very good, isn't it?

-They've not got it with a stop button.

No, I know, it doesn't have control. Do you know, they can go three hours before they get exhausted?

What has he got on the iPod?

-Yeah.

-He does look much slimmer than he did at the beginning of the footage.

There are various excuses that scientists have given for why they're doing that to them.

Was it mainly boredom? LAUGHTER

Are they doing any research into Marie Rose sauce? LAUGHTER

Because you need the two together, in a wine glass.

It's like shrimp horse-jumping. When the white line comes round, it jumps.

-Oh, does it? Oh, yes!

-LAUGHTER

-Oh!

-Whey!

-LAUGHTER

-And he's coming up here now on the third turn.

-LAUGHTER

And he's looking strong. He's not looking bad.

-He's lost his jockey but he's still in the race.

-LAUGHTER

The man responsible is called Professor David Scholnick of Pacific University in Oregon.

-He gives his name out?

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

He said, "These studies will give us a better idea of how marine animals can perform in their native habitat

"when faced with increasing pathogens and immunological challenges". How I've no idea.

-We have to take his word for it.

-I'm waiting to see a crab with some dumbbells.

LAUGHTER It is strange, when you look at that,

because the shrimp is an insect, but we quite happily eat that.

-Pick the legs off it, take the head off.

-I know. And lobsters and things.

As you say, we'll happily eat them as a treat.

-But these... Oh, God.

-LAUGHTER

It's not done me any favours. And I felt so confident.

-I was going to have the scorpion, as well, but I'm not now.

-LAUGHTER

-I'll have the scorpion.

-Would you like the scorpion?

-I'll have it.

-Oh, my dear fellow. There you are.

-You mean you're going to take it...

-I've had those. The aftertaste is just horrendous.

It's there for hours. But I'll have that.

-Yeah? Are you going to eat it now in front of us?

-If I put it all in my mouth, it might...

-I'll break it in half.

-Good idea.

-Make it manageable.

-Yep.

-# Half the poison, half the fun

LAUGHTER

-Ready?

-God, it...

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-That's God telling me something, isn't it?

-Wow, that is one tough...

-I think the scorpion might be alive. I think it might be like Han Solo.

-Hey!

-Not any more, it's not.

-Erm... Tail end or front?

I would go for the front. The tail end might have a sting in it.

-Always ask a lady.

-Hey!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Ohh!

James Carr!

Well, you could hardly break the thing, so...

-LAUGHTER

-Come back in nine hours.

LAUGHTER

-I can't feel my toes.

-Oh, dear.

-LAUGHTER

It's like hemlock. It just works all the way up.

It's like bonfire night with death.

-LAUGHTER

-Go on, Sarah, you know you want to.

-You've got to be joking.

-Have a lick anyway.

-Is this what you had, the chocolate ant?

-Sarah, just think, what if we all develop superpowers as a result?

-LAUGHTER

-Ohh!

-LAUGHTER

-Ohhh...

-Alan had the ant.

-How could you eat that?

-He has the power!

-You saw what it did to me.

-He has the power of nausea!

-LAUGHTER Ohh!

-That is absolutely repellent.

-As soon as you break the chocolate, if whiffs.

-I know, it's not nice.

Something's happening. Something's happening!

-LAUGHTER

-Whey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, my word!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Something...

-Power of the scorpion!

LAUGHTER Can I ask, are scorpions known for forward rolls?

-LAUGHTER

-Definitely.

-Oh, yes, Sarah, you're showing your ignorance there.

-LAUGHTER

-I've tried a scorpion and I've tried an ant.

-Well done.

-And that's it.

-All right.

-That's like the start of a really bad musical.

BOTH: # I tried a scorpion, I tried an ant

-# And that's it

-LAUGHTER

-# Try a bug, try a bug, no

-LAUGHTER

-I mean...

-# Now I'm an insect sycophant

-LAUGHTER

-Have you had anything, Sarah?

-No.

-You should try an ant.

-I think you should have an ant.

-Well, you're not me mam, so...

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

My mam said you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to.

-LAUGHTER

-That was my sex chat.

-That was your sex chat?

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

-She didn't mention your vagina, then? Just your mouth.

-LAUGHTER

-Well...

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, no!

-LAUGHTER

-I don't know what came over me.

-APPLAUSE

-This is my first time on the show!

-I know.

Don't make me put a scorpion up me nunny.

LAUGHTER Sarah, if you would just entertain...

I'm not saying now, I'm not saying now,

but if you did five minutes before an gynaecological appointment

and you went, "I've got a bit of an itch..."

-LAUGHTER

-You would be the subject of a medical paper

that would be published around the world!

-Wow. Fame.

-You would be the miracle woman.

-Anyway...

-That shrimp is now looking like it's going, "Hurry up".

-LAUGHTER

-"Is there another round? Cos I don't think I've got another jump in me."

-LAUGHTER

Apparently it'll take him three hours to get exhausted.

And so to the inevitable backbone of QI, General Ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers if you please. Name a vertebrate with no backbone.

Nick Clegg. LAUGHTER

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Whey!

A popular answer.

-Er...

-A vertebrate without a backbone?

-It seems an impossibility.

-But there is something that is classified as a vertebrate that has no backbone.

-Worms?

-No, a big...

-Like a whale or something?

-Well, it's not a mammal. It is a fish, though. Big fish.

-Eel.

-Dolphin?

-Er, a dolphin isn't really a fish, to be honest.

-LAUGHTER Well, it looks like one.

-It looks like one, I agree.

-Stingray.

-Well, stingrays and mantas don't have them, but it's the shark.

Sharks are classified as vertebrates.

They neither have ribcages nor do they have backbones.

They have things that look very like a backbone, but they're half the weight of bone,

they're cartilaginous matter with connective tissue. You can see a cross-section.

-He doesn't look very happy.

-No. It's a very cross section.

LAUGHTER You see the thing behind his eye going all the way back to his tail,

along his back that looks like a bone? LAUGHTER

-Yes.

-I'm just saying...

-I know. It's not actual bone, though. It's cartilaginous matter.

Cartilage, as we would say in England.

-LAUGHTER

-That's all I have to say on that subject. So, there we are.

-Fine.

-Let that be an end to it!

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

What's the strongest creature for its weight in the world?

-Is it Johnny? LAUGHTER

-Geoff Capes.

-Geoff Capes?

There is a stronger man than Geoff Capes in the world at the moment.

-Zydrunas Savickas, who can...

-Can he pull a lorry along with his teeth?

A 70-tonne plane. But that's only 411 times his own weight and it has to have wheels.

This creature can pull a force equal to 100,000 times its body weight.

When I say creature, I mean, it is a living thing,

-but it's not even an insect, it's tinier.

-Our old friend bacteria.

It's a bacterium. It's a bug in that sense. And it's not one you want to catch.

It's one that would be most unwelcome in the trouser department.

-Crab.

-No, no, no, it's an actual bacterium, not an insect.

-Gonorrhoea.

-Gonorrhoea is the right answer.

-The strongest thing in the world?

-Yep, the gonorrhoea...

-It pulls down your pants and...

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, that's your excuse for catching it.

-Seriously, love, I didn't stand a chance.

Stripped me bare! Do you know how strong they are?

They have these bundles of long, thin, contractile filaments called pilis...

-Why is all that toast on screen?

-They use these to crawl

and they can pull along 100,000 times their weight, which is a very small weight.

Do you know what the cure for gonorrhoea used to be?

-Er...

-Yeah. They'd put a sort of umbrella up the urethra,

press a button to open the umbrella inside the shaft and then pull out...

-We've heard it all. We don't need to hear it.

-I'd like to hear it. Tell us again.

-LAUGHTER

-If you had a particularly unsympathetic doctor,

he'd then jump around the room going # I'm singing in the rain

-LAUGHTER

-Yes.

And he'd splash in your own tears.

LAUGHTER They then cover it in chocolate and sell it as ants.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, dear me. Yeah.

That's enough of gonorrhoea, I feel. Now, why are moths attracted to light?

-FANFARE

-'Nobody knows!'

-Oh, Alan! Well done!

-You're good at this.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Very good!

-Well, I just feel that it would've come up, someone would've told me.

Yes, you're right. There are various theories.

One is that they're used to the moon and that other sources of light disorient it

-and they use the moon for navigation and...

-It does seem odd that they only come out at night.

-If they saw the sun, they would love it.

-Yes, you'd think!

-It would be... LAUGHTER

If they got up in the morning, they'd go, "Look at that!"

-Cos the amount they love my bedside lamp...

-Exactly.

I mean, they love my beside lamp, but the sun is significantly bigger than my bedside lamp.

Maybe that's why they don't, cos if they went for the sun,

they would all just go for the sun and then fly into the atmosphere and that would be a disaster.

I like their ambition. They think it's the moon and they go, "I could make it. Look at these. Come on!"

If you try and catch one and then you turn the light off, I always feel really guilty

-cos it's as if they go...

-SHE SIGHS

-LAUGHTER

-So, nobody knows.

And that mystery brings us to the eternal mystery of the scores and how fascinating they are.

In a resolute last place with minus-24, it's Mr Jimmy Carr!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Almost teetering on the brink of plusness is Alan with minus-1!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Minus-1.

And Sarah Millican's first performance has been astonishing with plus-2!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But tonight's winner with plus-4 is Johnny Vegas!

-Yes!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ohh! That's all from Jimmy, Johnny, Sarah, Alan and me,

apart from this final word from Bill Vaughn.

"We hope that when the insects do take over the world,

"they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on our picnics." Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

.