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APPLAUSE | 0:00:23 | 0:00:25 | |
Good...evening! | 0:00:30 | 0:00:33 | |
Good evening. Good evening, good evening, good evening, | 0:00:33 | 0:00:36 | |
and welcome to an absolutely choice edition of QI, | 0:00:36 | 0:00:39 | |
which is all about indecision. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
All in a dither tonight are A, Jimmy Carr... | 0:00:42 | 0:00:46 | |
CHEERING | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
-..B, Rich Hall... -CHEERING | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
-..C, Phill Jupitus -CHEERING | 0:00:53 | 0:00:57 | |
..or D, none of the above, Alan Davies. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:03 | |
CHEERING | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
Your buzzers are designed to help you make up your mind. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
-Jimmy goes... -WOMAN: "Turn right. Turn right." | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
-Phill goes... -WOMAN: "Turn left. Turn left." | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
-Rich goes... -WOMAN: "Turn around. Turn around." | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
-And Alan goes... -MAN: "Excuse me, sir. Is this your vehicle? Are you sure? | 0:01:21 | 0:01:27 | |
"Would you blow into this bag, please, sir?" | 0:01:27 | 0:01:30 | |
And don't forget your "nobody knows" jokers. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:33 | |
Have you got them there? | 0:01:33 | 0:01:34 | |
FANFARE "Nobody knows." | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
There is a question, to which the answer is "nobody knows". | 0:01:36 | 0:01:40 | |
If you can flag it up, you get extra points. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
Now, why was this tosser thrown out of The Magic Circle? | 0:01:42 | 0:01:47 | |
-"Tosser" is a technical term in this particular - -Was he using real magic? | 0:01:47 | 0:01:52 | |
That's not the reason, but it's a damn good thought. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:55 | |
-What gets you thrown out? -Giving away the secrets. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:59 | |
Yes. This guy, John Lenahan, was thrown out of The Magic Circle | 0:01:59 | 0:02:03 | |
for giving away a particular, a very famous, | 0:02:03 | 0:02:07 | |
you just have to buy a book and you know how to do it. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
He said if he'd been a murderer, he'd have been let out of prison by now, | 0:02:10 | 0:02:14 | |
but he's out of The Magic Circle for life | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
because he appeared on Des Lynam's "How Do They Do That?" | 0:02:16 | 0:02:20 | |
-and revealed... -Oh, Lynam! | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
..one of the classic card scams | 0:02:22 | 0:02:24 | |
that is used on street corners to make money. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:28 | |
-Find the Lady? -Or as they call it in America, Three-card Monte. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:32 | |
-Exactly. -Because Find the Lady... | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
I prefer Three-card Monte because I had a really bad experience in Thailand once. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:39 | |
-Did you feel a bit of a dick?! -LAUGHTER | 0:02:39 | 0:02:43 | |
Oh, I'm sorry! | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
-Have you got some money there? -OK. -I have some to pay you, in case you get it right. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:54 | |
Here you are. Watch the screen. All you have to do is find the lady. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:58 | |
Watch and then... There we go. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:01 | |
-There she is. -Oh, OK. -Keep your eyes on her. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:05 | |
OK, which is she? | 0:03:05 | 0:03:08 | |
-On the left. -The left? -Yes. -Middle. -Middle?! | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
-Audience? -ALL: Left. -It's obviously the left. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
Course it's on the left. You just follow it with your eyes. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:18 | |
OK, let's have another go. This time, we'll do it for money. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:22 | |
Keep your eyes on the lady. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:26 | |
-There she is. -OK. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:31 | |
-OK. Where's she gone? -Right, OK, you three put that on a card each, | 0:03:33 | 0:03:38 | |
and I will stick this in a lady's knickers in the audience. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:42 | |
That's a whole other game! That's a whole other lady to find. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:45 | |
There's a lady put her hand up over there. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
-She put her hand up what? -LAUGHTER | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
That's the trouble with this game. You always want to see it a second time. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:57 | |
-Place your bets. -I'm going left. -Left. OK. -I'm going left. | 0:03:57 | 0:04:03 | |
-Right. -Right. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:04 | |
-Left. -Three lefts and a right. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
OK, let's show. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
-It is indeed the left! -Two in a row! Come on! | 0:04:10 | 0:04:14 | |
-That's brilliant. -That's it, I'm getting my real money out. I'm on a roll! | 0:04:14 | 0:04:19 | |
That's the time to quit! | 0:04:19 | 0:04:20 | |
I ought to explain when talking about John Lenahan, | 0:04:20 | 0:04:24 | |
when I called him a tosser, that is the name for the guy who does that trick. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:29 | |
It's called tossing. You can win a lot of money by tossing. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
-Agh! -What the...? | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
I think somebody thought it was real money. Anyway... Interesting. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:44 | |
-OK. -What the hell was that? -We'll find out, maybe or maybe not. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:49 | |
-OK, so - -I'm not in on that, I just want you to know! | 0:04:49 | 0:04:53 | |
John Lenahan was expelled from The Magic Circle | 0:04:54 | 0:04:57 | |
for exposing the secret of Find the Lady on TV. | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
The real secret is, even if you choose correctly, | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
someone is likely to run off with the money, because that's the way they work. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:06 | |
Now for something beginning with "I" that you wouldn't choose in 100 years. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:10 | |
Who expected the Spanish Inquisition? | 0:05:10 | 0:05:14 | |
Was it... Er... Was it... | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
No. LAUGHTER | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
According to Monty Python, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:22 | |
But, in fact, they couldn't be more wrong. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:24 | |
The Spanish Inquisition always gave you 30 days' notice. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:28 | |
They said... They said, "We're coming to inquisite you," or whatever verb they would use. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:34 | |
"Is that Mr Rabinowitz? It's the Inquisition here. How are you? Good. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:41 | |
"We're going to come round and pull your balls out through your mouth." | 0:05:41 | 0:05:45 | |
"We're in the area. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:47 | |
"But only for the next 30 days. Take advantage." | 0:05:47 | 0:05:51 | |
-They gave you 30 days? -They're like the TV licence van! | 0:05:51 | 0:05:55 | |
They gave you 30 days to prepare and prove that you weren't a heretic. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:58 | |
You had to wait around the house all day. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:01 | |
-"We'll be there between eight and five." -Or get a priest! | 0:06:01 | 0:06:06 | |
Or say, "Torture my neighbour. I won't be in. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:09 | |
"He'll take my torture for me." | 0:06:09 | 0:06:12 | |
No, it is a surprising thing, perhaps. But when was it instituted? | 0:06:12 | 0:06:17 | |
It went on for 350 years. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
-Give me a century. -1483. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
-I can tell you - -Bloody hell, that's close! Did you say 1483? | 0:06:22 | 0:06:26 | |
-Yes. -Is that a guess? | 0:06:26 | 0:06:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
I'm right! | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
It was 1478. But five years... That's very close. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:44 | |
They called and said, "We're coming around in five years," so in '78... | 0:06:44 | 0:06:49 | |
The Spanish took it upon themselves to have their own inquisition. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:54 | |
There was a Papal Inquisition, but they wanted their own. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
It was an anti-Semitic piece of legislation. | 0:06:57 | 0:07:00 | |
They doubted that Jews who had to convert to stay in Spain, | 0:07:00 | 0:07:04 | |
they doubted that they actually really meant it. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:07 | |
-It was under these rulers of Spain at that time, Ferdinand and Isabella. -Wow. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:12 | |
-Yes. -She's a dog. -LAUGHTER | 0:07:12 | 0:07:15 | |
She wouldn't mind you saying that. She'd take it on the chin. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:19 | |
The Catholic Church, you won't be surprised to know, still has the Inquisition. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:23 | |
-What?! -It's changed its name. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
In 1908, it changed to the Sacred Congregation of the Holy Office, | 0:07:25 | 0:07:29 | |
in 1965, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, | 0:07:29 | 0:07:32 | |
and the leader, Pope John Paul II, was... | 0:07:32 | 0:07:36 | |
-Who was in charge of it? -Ratzinger. -It was indeed. Our current Pope. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:39 | |
He was in charge of the Spanish Inquisition? | 0:07:39 | 0:07:42 | |
-Not the Spanish. -They're good at changing their name. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
When people talk about the Roman Empire falling, I don't think they did fall. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:50 | |
-They continued on regardless. -Basically. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
Now then, given the choice, | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
what would be the next best thing to having a Nobel Prize-winner in our audience tonight? | 0:07:54 | 0:07:59 | |
Dennis Leary had a joke about the Peace Prize. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
He said, "I'd kill for one of those." | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
That's very good. There is a sort of comic version of the Nobel Peace Prize. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:11 | |
-It's the Ig Nobel Awards. -Yes! | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
The prize is given to people who usually are genuine scientists | 0:08:13 | 0:08:17 | |
who have conducted research, some of which is just a little bit weird. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:21 | |
We have on our left a woman who invented an emergency bra | 0:08:21 | 0:08:26 | |
that can be torn apart and turned into a gas mask. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
Two gas masks, obviously! | 0:08:29 | 0:08:32 | |
On the right is the inventor of the Ig Nobel Prize, Marc Abrahams. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:36 | |
I'm proud to say that in our audience, we have a winner of the Ig Nobel Prize, | 0:08:36 | 0:08:41 | |
Professor Chris McManus! Are you there? | 0:08:41 | 0:08:44 | |
There he is! Whaa-hey! | 0:08:44 | 0:08:47 | |
-Now... -APPLAUSE | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
Professor McManus, they called you in the Press the "Oddball Professor". | 0:08:51 | 0:08:56 | |
Perhaps you'd like to tell us the reason you won the Ig Nobel Prize. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
I got the prize in 2002 | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
-for some work that was done half a lifetime earlier in 1976. -Yes? | 0:09:02 | 0:09:07 | |
And the paper was published in the most prestigious of science journals, Nature, | 0:09:07 | 0:09:11 | |
and it was called "Scrotal Asymmetry In Man and In Ancient Sculpture". | 0:09:11 | 0:09:17 | |
So, your work was looking at how male testicles were asymmetrical? | 0:09:17 | 0:09:22 | |
-Precisely. -I've got an issue. Maybe you could help. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:26 | |
Perhaps I should examine you afterwards. It's probably easier. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:31 | |
I think I can explain. One of mine is bigger than the other two. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:36 | |
Very good. You are actually speaking with purpose, aren't you? | 0:09:40 | 0:09:45 | |
A higher percentage of men have one ball lower than the other. Tell us which that is. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:49 | |
Most people have the right one is higher and the left one is lower. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:54 | |
-Right. -And that's the normal way round. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
Wait a minute. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:57 | |
Ohh! | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
-Phill, it's OK...! -LAUGHTER | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
I've got two on the left. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:08 | |
-There's nothing on the right at all! -Right! | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
But the surprising thing is, in Ancient and indeed Renaissance sculpture, | 0:10:11 | 0:10:17 | |
-you found... -If you look at Michelangelo's David or any of these great sculptures, | 0:10:17 | 0:10:22 | |
the right one is higher and the left one is lower and it's bigger. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:26 | |
Which makes sense, if you think about it. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
Why does that makes sense? | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
-You'd expect the heavier one to go lower. -Oh, I see. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:36 | |
-But it's against - -The trouble is, it ain't that way. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
-When you get home later, you'll find that... -No need, man! | 0:10:39 | 0:10:44 | |
..the higher one is also the bigger one. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:47 | |
So the Greeks got it wrong. That was where it got interesting. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
That's odd, because they had bodies. Is it because they used mirrors | 0:10:50 | 0:10:54 | |
and therefore got it the wrong way round, or was there some other reason? | 0:10:54 | 0:10:59 | |
Their real problem is that they had a theory, | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
-and there's nothing more dangerous than a theory that's wrong. -Yes. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:06 | |
They didn't know what the testicles were for. It seems strange, but they hadn't quite worked it out. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:11 | |
JIMMY: Mine are purely decorative. LAUGHTER | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
-What was the theory? -Aristotle had this charming theory | 0:11:14 | 0:11:17 | |
that little boys have tiny testicles and very high voices. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:21 | |
But as you get bigger and you go into puberty, the testicles get bigger, | 0:11:21 | 0:11:25 | |
-they pull down and they tension the body and the voice gets deeper. -Oh! | 0:11:25 | 0:11:29 | |
So they thought they were weights to tension the male body. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:33 | |
JIMMY: And is that not the case? | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
Which is why Barry White never did a marathon. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:40 | |
Well, Professor McManus, thank you very much indeed. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
Congratulations. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
-That is quite interesting. -It is quite interesting. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:50 | |
Anyway, the next best thing to winning a Nobel Prize is winning an Ig Nobel Prize. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:56 | |
First they make you laugh and then they make you think. | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
You've got a big decision coming up in 40 minutes, imagine, OK? | 0:11:59 | 0:12:03 | |
What's the best thing you can do now to make ensure you make the right choice? | 0:12:03 | 0:12:08 | |
-Just make the decision now. -STEPHEN CHUCKLES | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
No, it's coming up. You may not know what it is, like Dwight here. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:15 | |
Get into a rage. You make the right choices when angry. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:18 | |
Very well remembered from a previous edition. One of them is anger. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:23 | |
Apparently you make better decisions when you're angry. I'm giving you a clue. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:27 | |
-You're giving me a clue? -Have some water. -Yes. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:30 | |
Lots and lots of water. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
-Drink lots of water... -So that in 40 minutes... | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
You'll be in the loo and you won't have to make the decision. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:38 | |
Bizarrely, no. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
You'd be popping to go to the loo and that's when we make our best decisions. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:44 | |
-When we need a wee? -Shut up! -Yes. -Shut up! | 0:12:44 | 0:12:48 | |
It's true, girlfriend! | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
APPLAUSE Shut up! | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
-Absolutely. -I think I'm definitely going to do Celebrity Mastermind now. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:57 | |
-You should! -Just 20 bottles of Evian before I go on. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:02 | |
HE BARKS WORDS | 0:13:04 | 0:13:07 | |
"Red! Orange! Hitler! | 0:13:07 | 0:13:11 | |
"I've got to go, John!" | 0:13:11 | 0:13:12 | |
"Red, orange, Hitler"? I'm trying to think what that would be... | 0:13:12 | 0:13:16 | |
What is your specialist subject?! | 0:13:16 | 0:13:20 | |
Painting. JIMMY: Love it! | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
Now, what big decision did the driver of the number 78 London bus have to make | 0:13:23 | 0:13:29 | |
in December 1952? | 0:13:29 | 0:13:31 | |
-"Turn right." -Ooh, yes, Jimmy? | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
-The Coronation is all I know about '52. -Ah, yes. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
-The Queen didn't get the bus, did she? -No, she didn't! | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
You might, if you were bus users, know where the 78 goes. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
-It's... -It doesn't go my way. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
-Tower Bridge. -Sorry? Where? -Tower Bridge. -It does! | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
-He had to jump the bridge. -Brilliant! | 0:13:47 | 0:13:50 | |
He had to jump the bridge! | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
-APPLAUSE -Whoa! | 0:13:53 | 0:13:56 | |
There was some mistake with the warning sign. | 0:13:57 | 0:14:00 | |
As he was getting on... Do you know what they call these? | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 | |
They're called bascules, for the French for a seesaw. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:06 | |
And as he was approaching the first one, he was already on it when he saw they were rising. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:11 | |
He took a split-second decision and accelerated. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:14 | |
The second one was lower down | 0:14:14 | 0:14:16 | |
and, three foot in the air, whatever it was, he landed on the second one. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:20 | |
No-one was injured. And he won, for his bravery, £10. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:24 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
And Employee of the Month. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:27 | |
-I'm sure Employee of the Month. -Maybe Driver of the Week. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
It was very brave. Very brave fellow. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
-You'll want to know his name. -Bob Knievel. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:36 | |
It was a good bus driver's name. Albert Gunton. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:40 | |
-Berty Gunton. -Of course it was. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:42 | |
He should be proud. If his family are watching, I hope you're still proud of him. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:46 | |
What is that thing about split-second decisions? | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
-I don't know. He just made the right one. -He must've needed a wee. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:52 | |
Making a split decision and coming close to something and... | 0:14:52 | 0:14:57 | |
It's weird when that happens. There are two odds. | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
One is, there may be something small you've seen that you can't remember. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:04 | |
The other is, you wouldn't be able to tell the story if you'd got it wrong. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:08 | |
-Everybody is alive, by definition - -So, all the anecdotes about | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
"I made a split-second decision and it went very badly", they're not here? | 0:15:11 | 0:15:15 | |
-They're not there to be told! There is that side of it! -Yes... | 0:15:15 | 0:15:18 | |
-Anyway... -Like the conductor who fell out the back! -Exactly! | 0:15:18 | 0:15:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:23 | 0:15:26 | |
-The one thing we can say - -As he falls into the Thames, | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
"Gunton...!" | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
One thing we can say with confidence, Boris, | 0:15:36 | 0:15:39 | |
is that that wouldn't have happened with a bendy bus. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:43 | |
The brilliant thing with the bendy bus, | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
it would go between the two things, and the bridge could play the accordion! | 0:15:46 | 0:15:50 | |
That's true! It never occurred to me! | 0:15:50 | 0:15:54 | |
Now, identity parades... Fascinating things. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:57 | |
As you know, you are a suspect and the police are supposed to get people who look vaguely like you, | 0:15:57 | 0:16:02 | |
wear the same clothes, and an eyewitness says "number three" or whatever. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:06 | |
-Nowadays, they use something called VIPER. -Viper? | 0:16:06 | 0:16:10 | |
Video Identification Parade Electronic Recording. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
Because as recently as 1997, South Yorkshire Police had a suspect | 0:16:13 | 0:16:18 | |
who was six foot three, 16 stone and black. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:20 | |
They couldn't find anyone of that description, | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
so they got a makeup artist to black-up a group of white men, | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
-but not including their hands. -GROANING | 0:16:26 | 0:16:30 | |
Unsurprisingly, the eyewitness chose the genuinely black person. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:33 | |
These days, they have all kinds of ID parades, | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
but the old type is not regarded as reliable. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:40 | |
There are reasons for that, and we might be able to demonstrate what those reasons are. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:46 | |
Earlier in the show, you may remember a rascal ran across the set | 0:16:46 | 0:16:50 | |
and stole some money from my hand. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
-You all saw it happen. -You apprehended him! -Can you pick the culprit from this line-up? | 0:16:52 | 0:16:57 | |
We've apprehended him and we've got some others | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
to see if you can find out who it is. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
Here they are. One, two, three and four. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
Was it number one, stealing our money? | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
Was it number two, stealing our hearts? Or is that just me? Er... | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
-Was it number three... -LAUGHTER | 0:17:11 | 0:17:14 | |
Was it number three, stealing himself for a spanking? | 0:17:14 | 0:17:18 | |
Or was it number four, stealing a format idea from Never Mind The Buzzcocks? | 0:17:18 | 0:17:23 | |
STEPHEN CHUCKLES | 0:17:31 | 0:17:34 | |
Steady! | 0:17:34 | 0:17:35 | |
Very good control from our ID parade. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
So I'll ask each one of you to give me a number. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
You all saw the moment, or at least very briefly, which is how crimes are committed. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:47 | |
-Phill, one, two, three or four? -Er... | 0:17:47 | 0:17:51 | |
This isn't fair. Phill's had much more experience in this game. He's built a career on this game. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:57 | |
He knows which one is in The Kooks. | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
I think... | 0:17:59 | 0:18:00 | |
If you could just stick a bass player in there for me...! | 0:18:00 | 0:18:04 | |
-It was fleeting, wasn't it? -It was. -Two. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
-Number two. -I'm going one. -Two and one. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
-Two. -Two? -It's number one. -Number one. We're split between two and one. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:15 | |
Those in the audience who think it's number one, raise your hand. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:19 | |
That's quite a fair number. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:21 | |
-Who thinks it's number two? -You probably had a better view. -That's quite a lot. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:25 | |
Number three? | 0:18:25 | 0:18:27 | |
A few of you. And number four? Again, a few of you. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
-Would the real thief please step forward? -Wait a minute! | 0:18:30 | 0:18:34 | |
There you are! Number two. Well done. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:37 | |
Well done. Very good. Very good indeed. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:41 | |
Thank you all for our line-up, including the three innocents. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:46 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
It isn't entirely useless having an ID parade. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:52 | |
-You did very well. -I got it right! -You got it right. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:56 | |
-You know how I got it right? -How? -I wet my pants. | 0:18:56 | 0:19:00 | |
-That's it! Exactly! -LAUGHTER | 0:19:00 | 0:19:04 | |
You're learning! All right. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:09 | |
It is more difficult than we think, or realise, to pick a suspect from a parade, | 0:19:09 | 0:19:13 | |
although half our panel did very well. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:15 | |
And now to the moment when I'm afraid you have no choice at all. Fingers on buzzers, please. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:20 | |
Remember, we haven't had our "nobody knows" question. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:24 | |
Who was the first person to go round the world in 80 days? | 0:19:24 | 0:19:28 | |
"Turn right." Michael Palin. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
KLAXON WAILS | 0:19:31 | 0:19:32 | |
-Really? -Yes! | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
I meant a real person. I'm not counting fictional. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
-In fiction, of course... -Phileas Fogg. -Yes. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:42 | |
A blue whale. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
The "first person" was very much in the question. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
But it's interesting I said "person". It was a woman. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:51 | |
Amy Johnson? WOMAN SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
Shout that again, in the audience. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
-Nellie Bly! -Well done, audience member! | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
-Nellie Bly is the right answer! -Nellie Bly? -Yes. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:02 | |
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
Very impressed indeed. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
Nellie Bly is someone we all should've heard of. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:11 | |
She was possibly the world's first investigative journalist. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:15 | |
She was a remarkably bold, brave and adventurous woman. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:18 | |
She worked for The World, which was Joseph Pulitzer's newspaper. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:22 | |
In 1890, after the astonishing success of Jules Verne's Around The World In Eighty Days, | 0:20:22 | 0:20:27 | |
Joseph Pulitzer decided that he would try and get someone genuinely to go round the world in 80 days. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:32 | |
He awarded the role to one of his journalists and Nellie Bly said, | 0:20:32 | 0:20:37 | |
"If you don't give me the task, I will go to another newspaper." | 0:20:37 | 0:20:42 | |
And so valued was she, he said, "You've got the job." | 0:20:42 | 0:20:45 | |
And she did it in 72 days, which is pretty damned impressive. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:49 | |
In those days, before aeroplanes, obviously, | 0:20:49 | 0:20:52 | |
getting from one place, all the way round the globe, to another | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
in that amount of time was a heck of an achievement. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
-It took a long time to get from Scotland to London in those days. -Quite! | 0:20:58 | 0:21:02 | |
Can you remember in the book the forms of travel Phileas Fogg used? | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
-There were some trains, weren't there? -Trains. -Hot air balloons. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:09 | |
-Not hot air balloons! -There's a balloon on the screen! -Because of the film. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:13 | |
In the Michael Todd film with David Niven, | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
one always thinks of the balloon, but he doesn't use a balloon. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:19 | |
Anyway, she did it in 72 days, six hours and 11 minutes from New York to New York. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:25 | |
She should be remembered for campaigns against bad landlords, | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
injustice, injustice to women in prisons | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
and, most amazingly, she managed to smuggle herself into an insane asylum | 0:21:31 | 0:21:34 | |
and wrote an extraordinary report about the unbelievable cruelty dealt to the mentally ill. | 0:21:34 | 0:21:39 | |
It sounds like she managed to talk her way out of an insane asylum... | 0:21:39 | 0:21:45 | |
-Good point! -..with a story about being an investigative journalist. That is genius. | 0:21:45 | 0:21:49 | |
In both cases, impressive. | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
How can you tell which of these chicks is male and which is female? | 0:21:51 | 0:21:56 | |
This must be... This must be... | 0:21:56 | 0:21:59 | |
-I'm afraid not! -KLAXON WAILS | 0:21:59 | 0:22:02 | |
No. | 0:22:02 | 0:22:04 | |
Had you said that in the 1920s, the answer would've been "nobody knows". | 0:22:04 | 0:22:08 | |
But in 1929, the Japanese astonished the world | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
by revealing that they'd found a way to sex chicks. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:15 | |
In other words, to determine their gender. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:17 | |
It sounds... It sounds so wrong, doesn't it? | 0:22:17 | 0:22:20 | |
-"I know how to sex a chick!" -JIMMY: I can do that! | 0:22:20 | 0:22:24 | |
It seems impossible with the naked eye to do it | 0:22:24 | 0:22:27 | |
because you have to wait till they're six weeks old. | 0:22:27 | 0:22:30 | |
And in the egg-laying industry, that's a heck of a waste, | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
because the male chicks are of no use whatsoever to them. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:37 | |
Gassed on the first day. Enjoy your eggs! | 0:22:37 | 0:22:40 | |
That's why... Good point! | 0:22:40 | 0:22:42 | |
In 1927, at the World Poultry Congress in Ottawa, | 0:22:42 | 0:22:45 | |
-this was announced - -The what?! -The World Poultry Congress. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
That's a lot of chickens. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
"Will the representative of Albania make himself known?" | 0:22:50 | 0:22:53 | |
"Albanian chicken!" CLUCKING | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
It's one of the biggest businesses in the world. | 0:22:56 | 0:22:59 | |
The most popular bird we eat, then we eat their eggs. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
And so there are World Poultry Congresses! | 0:23:02 | 0:23:04 | |
We've all done corporate gigs. I imagine I did 20 minutes at the end. | 0:23:04 | 0:23:09 | |
I once did Phillips Small Appliances. Sounds mad. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
-That poor boy! -It was a long time... -LAUGHTER | 0:23:12 | 0:23:17 | |
-It was a long time ago - -Leave his appliances alone! | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
-It was a long time ago - -Which is why I won't have him in the house any more! | 0:23:20 | 0:23:25 | |
-How do you sex a chicken? -It's very complex, that's the point. | 0:23:25 | 0:23:29 | |
And it's highly... No, we do know. It's highly paid. | 0:23:29 | 0:23:33 | |
The discovery lowered the price of eggs worldwide overnight. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:38 | |
That's how important it was. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:40 | |
The Zen-Nippon Chick Sexing School was founded. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:43 | |
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER | 0:23:43 | 0:23:45 | |
I know you're laughing, but it's true! It's true! | 0:23:45 | 0:23:50 | |
You're looking at a graduate. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
And they taught their sexers in such a rigorous way | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
that only five to ten percent of applicants received accreditation. | 0:23:56 | 0:24:00 | |
When you passed, you were paid huge sums of money. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
-You are chick master! -Yes. Hundreds of dollars a day. It was a really big business. | 0:24:03 | 0:24:08 | |
-It still is! -"Boy..." "How do you know?" "I know." | 0:24:08 | 0:24:12 | |
-"You don't know. You pay." -LAUGHTER | 0:24:12 | 0:24:16 | |
The best in the business can sex around 1,200 chicks an hour | 0:24:16 | 0:24:20 | |
and there are some talented ones who can have one in each hand... | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
"Boy, boy, girl, girl, boy, boy, boy, girl, | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
girl, girl, boy, boy. Boy, girl, boy, girl. Boyyyy." | 0:24:26 | 0:24:32 | |
-The point is... -LAUGHTER | 0:24:32 | 0:24:35 | |
The point is, you go like that, and pop them in bins. Girl bin, boy bin. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:40 | |
And you can do 1,200. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
-Is it to do with the weight? -No. They do a slight squeeze - | 0:24:42 | 0:24:46 | |
-"A girl!" -You won't like this. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:49 | |
-They do a slight squeeze - -And if they go, "Oww!" it's a girl. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:54 | |
And if they go... | 0:24:54 | 0:24:55 | |
-That's naughty! -If they go, "Steady on, mate..." -It's a boy! | 0:24:55 | 0:25:00 | |
They have a cloaca tract, which is their reproductive and excretory tract, | 0:25:00 | 0:25:04 | |
and there is a slight difference in the ridges and bumps, the innies and outies. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:09 | |
So you do a slight squeeze. If it's too big, you throttle them, or the outie becomes an innie. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:14 | |
It's a real skill. It's something I vaguely knew about growing up in Norfolk, | 0:25:14 | 0:25:18 | |
because in Norfolk there is a community of Vietnamese turkey sexers, who live... | 0:25:18 | 0:25:24 | |
I know it sounds mad! | 0:25:24 | 0:25:26 | |
I can never watch Platoon again! | 0:25:26 | 0:25:28 | |
You've ruined Apocalypse Now for me. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
-I'm sorry about that. -"What sex is chicken?! | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
-"You tell me now!" -This is... | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
-JIMMY LAUGHS -I know it sounds bonkers. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:41 | |
They live in tunnels under the fence! | 0:25:41 | 0:25:45 | |
-Not in the fence, it's in Norfolk, he said defensively. -I beg your pardon. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:51 | |
-Tell me they work for Bernard, please! -Of course! | 0:25:51 | 0:25:53 | |
Bernard Matthews is the largest employer. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:56 | |
"Mr Matthew, this one bootiful!" LAUGHTER | 0:25:56 | 0:26:00 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
All right. Chicken sexing is a fine art these days. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:08 | |
The sun rises roughly in the east, as we know, and sets in the west. But what does the moon do? | 0:26:08 | 0:26:14 | |
-What direction does the moon - -Which moon are we talking about? | 0:26:14 | 0:26:17 | |
KLAXON WAILS | 0:26:17 | 0:26:20 | |
-This show is getting tough. -Whoa! | 0:26:21 | 0:26:24 | |
Wow! | 0:26:24 | 0:26:26 | |
-It goes the other way. -The opposite direction? -Yes. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:29 | |
-Actually... That isn't true, either. -KLAXON WAILS | 0:26:29 | 0:26:34 | |
-No, it's the same. -It's the same. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:37 | |
-"Are you sure?" -The same. -Correct! Well done! | 0:26:37 | 0:26:42 | |
The moon rises in the east and sets in the west. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
Lastly, how many different species of mussel can you see here? | 0:26:45 | 0:26:50 | |
-Is this it? -Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! There you go. | 0:26:50 | 0:26:54 | |
-"Nobody knows." -Jimmy got there first! | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
-I just found it quicker than Phill. -It had to be! | 0:26:57 | 0:27:01 | |
-Well done. -It's the last one. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:03 | |
-It's almost impossible to identify - -Even themselves. -Yes. | 0:27:03 | 0:27:07 | |
-Impossible to do or impossible to care? -Well...! | 0:27:07 | 0:27:10 | |
Do you think they just go, "Shall we just boil these and eat them? Time's a-wasting." | 0:27:10 | 0:27:16 | |
We used to think, by size and appearance, you could tell. | 0:27:16 | 0:27:19 | |
We now find the genome tells us. Species we thought were different we've discovered are the same. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:24 | |
And conversely, species we thought were the same are different. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:28 | |
But the time has finally come to act decisively and declare tonight's winner. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:33 | |
It's very exciting. Yes, indeed. | 0:27:33 | 0:27:36 | |
Let's... Well, let's start at the top. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:39 | |
With a fantastic result, | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
our winner with a clear plus-10 points is Phill Jupitus! | 0:27:42 | 0:27:45 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:27:45 | 0:27:48 | |
I don't know how that happened. I never know how that happens. | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
In a rather surprising second place, with four points, it's the audience! | 0:27:51 | 0:27:58 | |
Congratulations! | 0:27:58 | 0:28:01 | |
Very impressive! | 0:28:01 | 0:28:04 | |
That puts Jimmy, who would otherwise have come second, | 0:28:05 | 0:28:09 | |
-in third place with minus one. -APPLAUSE | 0:28:09 | 0:28:12 | |
And in fourth place with minus two, Rich Hall! | 0:28:16 | 0:28:20 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:20 | 0:28:21 | |
But, erm, it still doesn't stop Alan from coming last, I fear, | 0:28:21 | 0:28:26 | |
-with minus 14! -APPLAUSE | 0:28:26 | 0:28:29 | |
END-OF-SHOW JINGLE | 0:28:29 | 0:28:32 | |
So, thanks to Rich, Jimmy, Phill and Alan. | 0:28:34 | 0:28:37 | |
I leave you with this tail of choice in Soviet Russia from comedian Yakov Smirnoff. | 0:28:37 | 0:28:43 | |
"In Russia, we had only two channels. Channel One was propaganda. | 0:28:43 | 0:28:47 | |
"Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you, | 0:28:47 | 0:28:51 | |
"'Turn back at once to Channel One.'" | 0:28:51 | 0:28:53 | |
-Thank you and goodnight. -CHEERING | 0:28:53 | 0:28:57 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:58 | 0:29:02 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:29:02 | 0:29:06 |