Keeps QI


Keeps

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Goooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening

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and welcome to QI, where tonight we are playing for Keeps.

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Keeping his eye on the ball, Jason Manford.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Keeping her ear to the ground, Sarah Millican.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Keeping his nose to the grindstone, Bill Bailey.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And keeping his pecker up, in spite of everything, Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And I'll be keeping the peace, everything on track and the score.

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So, jeepers creepers, let's hear your peepers.

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Jason goes...

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# Keep on movin'. #

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Sarah goes...

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# Keep on runnin'

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# Keep on hidin'. #

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Bill goes...

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# Keep on rockin'

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# Keep on rockin'. #

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-Nice. Nice.

-And Alan goes...

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# We'll keep a welcome in the hillsides... #

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Nice.

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The voice of your forefathers there, the ancestors, isn't it,

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"keeping a welcome in the hillside," isn-at?

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So, before we start...

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-Were they Pakistanis?

-Stop it, stop it. Stop it right now.

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I'm going to lay down the law.

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Like Teacher's first day at school -

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he's strict, just so that people are afraid of him.

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Yes.

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Authority has got to be laid down. I'm not going to have... Right.

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Yes. How's that going?

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Oh, Sir's trying to get all 'umpty...

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-Yes.

-..before we start.

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-WELSH ACCENT:

-Mocking my Welsh accent.

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That wasn't even Northern Europe.

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SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: It was from Cape Town.

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A welcome to the valleys in Cardiff.

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It was my acc-ccent. You stop halfway through, isn't it?

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"Isn't it?" Yes.

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You've gone all street now.

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"I stop halfway through, innit? Yeah, it's like that."

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-Right, OK. All right.

-"Stephen Fry, yeah. QI, that's it."

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Anyway, an easy K series question to start us going.

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I still think in pounds and ounces,

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but what unit does modern science use to measure weight?

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Kilograms?

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ALARM BLARES

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-GROANING

-Oh, come on!

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-There you go.

-First word!

-First word!

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Kilograms, no. What does "kilogram" weigh?

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2.2 pounds.

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What does it measure, I meant to say?

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-What does the kilogram measure?

-Weight.

-Weight.

-No.

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-Water.

-Kilograms.

-It measures water.

-Water.

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-No.

-Grams.

-Rucksacks.

-No?

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There are a thousand grams in a kilogram,

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but what is it actually measuring?

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-What...?

-In my case, a crying lady.

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LAUGHTER

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What quantity - what aspect of a thing or an object does it measure?

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Hatred. Hatred and vileness.

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Bile. Bile.

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Sarcasm. I don't know.

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-No.

-Perversion.

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No.

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-Mass.

-Valium.

-Mass! It's mass.

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-How many points does he get for that?

-A few.

-Oh, right.

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Yeah. You, I'm afraid, get taken away a few.

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-I don't mind.

-You're in minus already.

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But you can get your points back if you can tell me what weight is measured in.

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So this is the time I shouldn't say kilograms again?

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-Yeah, it doesn't begin with K.

-OK.

-No.

-No.

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-Anyone in the audience?

-What?

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-AUDIENCE MEMBERS:

-Newtons.

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They're good. Our audience is better than the average, let's be honest.

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-Newtons is the answer.

-Newtons.

-I was going to say that!

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-You were going to say it?

-Say it now, edit. Say it now.

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# Keep on rockin'.

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Newtons.

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-CHEERING

-By the time you said it, they're "old-tons", I'm afraid.

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Oh, yeah, I see what you did there.

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No, the weight is the force resulting from gravity of mass,

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and that is how it acts on the earth, is as weight.

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-And, of course, it varies according to the amount of gravity.

-That's right.

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-Which is why it's not a constant. Which is why...

-It varies.

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If you're in a lift, even, you weigh slightly less.

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It sounds weird, but it's slightly less when you're dropping,

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and slightly more when you're going up.

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If you stood on scales, if you were using them for weight...

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On the scales in my bathroom, when the batteries start going,

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because it's only got three digits,

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it says...it starts the word "error", so it says "E-R-R".

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But then when you get on it, it just goes, "err".

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"Eeerrrrr!"

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It's like them not really wanting to tell you.

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How much do I weigh? "Err, well..."

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I don't have bathroom scales, I've just got kitchen scales.

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Well, you could try the...

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But I have measured bits of me on them.

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Let me guess which bits. Really?

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-The left one's heavier.

-Is it?

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-By how much?

-Some newtons.

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Very good. Very good.

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The kilogram is the only metric measure

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that still relies on a physical object,

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which is called the international prototype kilogram.

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And where do you think it's kept?

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Is it kept in the National Physics Laboratory?

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The National Physical Laboratory. No, it isn't.

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-The Queen. The Queen has it?

-There is a replica of it in the National Physical Laboratory.

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-Here is...

-Geneva. Everything's in Geneva.

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There you go.

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Do we have Ian Robinson from the National Physical Laboratory?

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He's raising his hand. Hello. This belongs to you, yes?

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IAN: It belongs to NPL, yes.

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And this is a replica of the original IPK, yeah?

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It's the same size,

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but it weighs 400g, rather than a kilogram.

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-Weighs or has mass of...?

-Its mass is 400g.

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Don't make me a liar.

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And this is what's inside the case.

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It's so incredibly susceptible

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to either adding weight to it or taking weight away -

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the acidity of the fingers, the addition of dust -

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the original is...

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Well, where did the metric system originate?

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POSH ACCENT: Builth Wells.

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-I don't know, France.

-France. You do know, you see?

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-Of course, of course, yes.

-Of course you know.

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It's actually outside Paris - near Sevres, where porcelain comes from. Yes.

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It's made out of platinum iridium.

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And they're worried that

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it's put on the weight of a small grain of sand

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over the period since it was first made, in 1879.

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So they're going to change... they're going to change -

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next year, possibly, or 2014 -

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to using Planck's universal quantum constant

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instead of the physical one.

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Thank God for that. Phew!

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Then they won't have to worry about bits of dust.

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-What a worry as well, yeah.

-Yeah, what a worry.

-What a worry.

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Thank you, Ian Robinson and the National Physical Laboratory.

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-Yeah, thank you very much.

-Thank you for your time.

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Is there different parts of the world, though, you could go and weigh more or less?

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-If you went to areas of great...

-Yes, on the equator, you...

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America. We'd all weigh less there, wouldn't we?

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That's a comparative scale.

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Yeah. And light - how much does light weigh?

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And does sound weigh more than light?

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You've got a bit of sound there and a bit of light,

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you wouldn't...do that?

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No.

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That's a bit suggestive, really, isn't it?

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Can you get in the bed before you put the light out?

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-Ah, that's true, isn't it? Yeah.

-Yes.

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Turn the light switch off and then get into bed before it went dark.

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-Difficult, but it can be done.

-It can, yeah.

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Didn't Muhammad Ali say that? Didn't he?

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He said he was so fast, he could get into bed before the light went off.

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Yeah, and someone said, "Just get a bedside light."

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-Yeah, exactly.

-Or just one of those ones.

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-Do it at the same time.

-Oh, one of those.

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Then you can clap when you're in bed, and who doesn't like that?

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Ah, yes, but that's very interesting, then, because then the sound...

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-You've just turned the camera off.

-What's that?

-You've just turned the camera off.

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Could you do two? Could you do two now?

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-Thank you.

-Oh, sorry.

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We use the same system. We didn't expect anybody to clap.

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What just happened?

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You turned the camera off by clapping.

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-Just the whole universe, just..."nyoooom".

-Yeah.

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-Nyooom!

-Yeah, you're back again now.

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That's it. Don't clap, though.

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Wwwwwhat would happen...?

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If?

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No, I was just saying... It was rhetorical.

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-Oh, I see.

-I was just saying...

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-What would happen...?

-There's a question.

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"What would happen, Stephen? Discuss."

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-Yes. "Let's see whose house it is."

-"..it is."

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Now, we were talking about bits and bytes.

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What is a kilobyte, in fact? How many bytes in a kilobyte?

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-1,000.

-100,000.

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-10,000.

-100,000. 1,000,000.

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No, no, that's a gig...

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-9.

-9!

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-I just like to be different.

-42.

-Anyone in the audience?

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-MAN IN AUDIENCE:

-1,024.

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-ALARM BLARES

-Oh, the audience gets a big penalty.

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GUFFAWS

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Unfortunately... Unfortunately, our team...

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In your face!

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..our team isn't intelligent enough to know the wrong answer.

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You thought it was 2 to the 10, which is a 1,024.

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But actually, according to the International Electrotechnical Commission,

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it is now 1,000, as you said, is the right answer.

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It's 1,000 bytes, and the...

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-So I beat all those people, then?

-You did, by sheer fluke.

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But didn't you say "10, 100, 1,000"? You just...

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Yeah, yeah, but I started with a 1,000.

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-You did cover quite a lot of bases. You did start with 1,000.

-Yeah.

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There is a new word for 1,024, which is a "kibibyte", which is rather pathetic.

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-Oh, come on.

-I know.

-They're just being silly now, aren't they?

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But it's IEC standard 6027-2. There you go.

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I'm sorry about that. It's not my fault.

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-No, I'm not blaming you, Stephen, it's just...

-I know.

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Now then - finders keepers, losers weepers, right?

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-That's the rules.

-Yes, it is.

-Yes?

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ALARM BLARES

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Oh, what?! What? Hey, you tricked me!

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You could have said no.

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You... That's...that's a dirty trick, Fry!

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You've done this program long enough to know that dirty tricks are us.

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Stephen, I didn't think that even you would stoop...

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-Stoop.

-..so low.

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-Well, I did.

-How dare you?

-It doesn't work in law.

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If you find lost property

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and don't make reasonable steps

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to discover the person to whom it belongs,

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then that's the crime of theft by finding.

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So just...how does this apply to...?

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If you're in the supermarket, right, and you put some fresh herbs in,

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and you're walking round, "da da-da,"

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all oblivious, thinking no-one's going to mess with your head.

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And then before you get to the checkout,

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someone's nicked the herbs out of your trolley

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and you go back and then there's none left.

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-That's a dirty trick, isn't it?

-It is a dirty trick.

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-Did this happen today?

-That's just immoral bad citizenship.

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But it's not technically theft, though.

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No, that's not theft. It's bad citizenship.

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-They weren't yours until you'd paid for them.

-No. They were morally mine.

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If they took them after you'd paid... They were morally yours.

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-I'd agree with you.

-How urgent were the herbs?

-Well, they're...

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Look, there was a chilli con carne that was ruined because of that.

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Garnish at least.

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If you decked that lady, I don't blame you.

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-Yes, I imagine, yeah...

-If you smashed her round the gizzard.

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Yeah, smacked her round the head with a tin of tomatoes.

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"Don't do it again!"

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-She's learnt her lesson.

-Yeah, that's right.

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So, I mean, if you... Technically, with that rule,

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is if someone's done their full shop

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and then right at the end, they've just wandered off for a tin of something,

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you could go, "Right, I'll have that lot, then."

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-That's brilliant.

-That would be so immoral.

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You've sort of stolen their time there.

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So you just follow somebody round the shop

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who looks like they might like what you like, and then...

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This is a wholly different question. I never asked this.

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Bill raised it. It's got nothing to do with the question.

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-It's a very important point.

-It's an interesting ethical issue.

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I'm applying the ancient law to the modern-day context.

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If you find something on the bus, or on the street...

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Yeah, or if, for example, you're a dry cleaner

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and you find a £20 note in a pair of trousers

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that's taken in, you don't think, "Oh, I can keep that."

0:11:330:11:35

That definitely is theft because you know whose trousers they are.

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-Exactly.

-But, like, on the bus or something...

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Also, if you found a lottery ticket on the floor

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and it was a winning number and you cashed it in

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and it wasn't yours, you would be committing a crime.

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-You wouldn't care, though.

-Yes, you would - it'd be taken away from you.

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-Because you'd be a millionaire.

-You wouldn't be paid.

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-You wouldn't get the money. You'd go to court.

-You wouldn't. How, though? How would they know?

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Because of the number and the time it was bought and the shop it was bought from.

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-CCTV.

-Oh, shit!

-So, yeah.

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In 2009, a Wilshire couple got an 11-month suspended sentence

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for doing exactly that - they cashed a winning lottery ticket.

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I used to work in a cinema

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and anything that was found on the floor in the screens,

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sort of depending on what it was...

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So if it was an umbrella, it would go in lost property.

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If it was a pound coin,

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it would just... the guy, whoever would just...

0:12:170:12:19

-Conveniently disappear.

-Exactly, yeah.

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But there was one time that a pair of used pants were found.

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And they didn't really...

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They sort of took them out on a stick

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and they didn't really know what to do with them.

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And then two weeks later, they got a letter from a man saying,

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"I was in the 11:20 showing of Titanic

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"in Screen 6 on the 23rd of February

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"and I appear to have left my pants.

0:12:420:12:45

"Could you return them to me in the Jiffy bag provided?"

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-Oh, my God!

-Oh, I don't know.

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I don't think I'd have put them in a Jiffy.

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If they were used pants,

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they would have gone in one of those things they put nuclear waste in, you know?

0:12:560:13:00

-I think you're right.

-A lead-lined casket.

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Ugh.

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Well, it is true that

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if you haven't made reasonable attempts to find something,

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well, we know that it's morally wrong...

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-It behoves you to do the right thing.

-Yeah. We hope you will.

0:13:090:13:12

But if property is deliberately abandoned, you can keep it.

0:13:120:13:15

Now, let's have a round of Keep Still Or Scarper?

0:13:150:13:18

I'm going to show you some dangerous animals

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and I want you to tell me what you should do -

0:13:200:13:22

stand your ground or skedaddle for the hills?

0:13:220:13:24

-All right?

-OK.

0:13:240:13:26

So, let's start with the first animal.

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Here it is. It's a snake.

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With a snake, should you keep still or scarper?

0:13:310:13:34

-# Keep on rockin'. #

-Bill?

0:13:340:13:36

-Keep still.

-Why?

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Because...you're so terrified of the snake.

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The snake will not attack a moving object.

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-In which case, so you should move.

-What?

0:13:480:13:51

You said, "It will not attack a moving object".

0:13:510:13:54

-I mean it will attack.

-Right.

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It will attack a moving object.

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It actually forgets you're there if you stand still.

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-Yeah.

-It will just ignore you.

-I get that a lot.

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It's like being married.

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Does it depend on how fast you run?

0:14:050:14:07

Because if you can run - outrun it...

0:14:070:14:09

They can strike very quickly, and if you're close to it,

0:14:090:14:11

just the act of turning to run would... Like that.

0:14:110:14:14

-Oh, right, OK.

-If it felt threatened.

0:14:140:14:15

The best thing to do is stand stock-still and then nothing will happen.

0:14:150:14:18

You'd feel a fool if you stood still and it bit you anyway, wouldn't you?

0:14:180:14:21

-You would.

-Your mobile went off or something.

0:14:210:14:25

That's true.

0:14:250:14:26

Don't have your mobile on vibrate. That would be the worst...

0:14:260:14:28

They have a marvellous sense of vibration.

0:14:280:14:30

OK, our next ones.

0:14:300:14:32

Let's have a look at this little trio harmonising.

0:14:320:14:34

Aww.

0:14:340:14:35

"Aww," you say. "Aww"?! They can tear you to pieces!

0:14:350:14:38

Three of a wolf pack, a wild wolf.

0:14:380:14:40

-When they've finished their song.

-So should you keep still?

0:14:400:14:42

Should you keep still or scarper?

0:14:430:14:46

-# Keep on movin'. #

-Yes, Jason?

0:14:460:14:49

I'm going to say scarper.

0:14:490:14:52

I'm afraid not, no. No, they are "coursing predators".

0:14:520:14:55

They actually tear and eat things on the run.

0:14:550:14:59

So that's how they like to eat.

0:14:590:15:01

You should just shout, throw stones, pebbles, whatever,

0:15:010:15:03

and then back slowly away and you'll be fine.

0:15:030:15:06

Shout at... What...?

0:15:060:15:08

-YELLS GIBBERISH

-Like that.

0:15:080:15:10

Throw things at them.

0:15:100:15:11

-They're not used...

-I'm terrified.

0:15:110:15:13

-They're not used to that behaviour.

-I'm glad I asked.

0:15:130:15:16

And they're wolves - they just back away going, "He's mental!"

0:15:160:15:20

So what do you do with a monkey? Keep still or scarper?

0:15:210:15:24

-Ah, that's nice, isn't it?

-Well, just reason with it.

0:15:240:15:26

How many heads has it got?

0:15:260:15:28

Sign language.

0:15:280:15:29

-Keep still.

-Yes, but not dead-still.

0:15:300:15:32

There's a particular open-mouthed, open-lipped...

0:15:320:15:35

-Like dancing? No.

-..thing that you do.

0:15:350:15:37

You bare your teeth.

0:15:370:15:38

A round mouth, bare your teeth. Round.

0:15:380:15:41

-Keep shaking around like that.

-That's it, that's it. Raise your eyebrows.

0:15:410:15:45

By the time I've done it, he's killed me.

0:15:450:15:46

And raise your eyebrows.

0:15:460:15:48

That's it. Show your teeth. Raise your eyebrows.

0:15:480:15:51

-What does that mean?

-IMITATES MONKEY CHATTER

0:15:510:15:53

-Back off!

-That's good.

-Back off!

0:15:530:15:57

You have monkeys, don't you?

0:15:580:16:00

-Yes, we have golden-handed tamarinds.

-Oh, lovely.

0:16:000:16:02

-You just have them round your house?

-Do they live in the house easily?

0:16:020:16:05

They live in the house, yeah. We don't let them out.

0:16:050:16:07

-Are they house-trained?

-Yes, of course.

0:16:070:16:09

-That's amazing.

-Yeah.

0:16:090:16:10

I think Jane Goodall discovered when you try and house-train a chimpanzee,

0:16:100:16:14

their intelligence is of a different order, and it's kind of smart but stupid.

0:16:140:16:17

And she had these chimpanzees

0:16:170:16:20

and when one pooed on the floor

0:16:200:16:21

of this little wooden bungalow that she had in Africa,

0:16:210:16:24

what she'd do is, she would make it confront its own poo,

0:16:240:16:27

spank it on the bottom and throw it out of the window.

0:16:270:16:29

-And...

-This is ground floor, yeah?

0:16:290:16:31

It's ground... I said "bungalow", yes.

0:16:310:16:33

So she did that twice and then the third time she saw one poo,

0:16:330:16:36

slap its own bottom and jump out of the window.

0:16:360:16:40

-Which is completely logical.

-That's amazing.

0:16:400:16:42

That's brilliant.

0:16:430:16:44

Thinking it had been really good, and you kind of go...

0:16:440:16:47

That not dissimilar to...

0:16:470:16:48

My daughter's nearly four, right, and...

0:16:480:16:51

Save her embarrassment for future shows.

0:16:510:16:53

She'll be fine. I won't tell you which one. I've got twins.

0:16:530:16:55

-Oh, fine.

-And she's...

0:16:550:16:56

There's a point where they're slapping each other and fighting

0:16:560:16:59

and you go, "Right, get on the naughty step."

0:16:590:17:01

And there's a point where she's so annoyed,

0:17:010:17:03

that she will just slap her sister, you know, in the face or whatever,

0:17:030:17:06

and then go and get on the naughty step herself

0:17:060:17:08

and sit there with a face saying, "It was worth it."

0:17:080:17:10

Yeah.

0:17:100:17:12

That's very good. Very good.

0:17:160:17:18

Excellent. Cows?

0:17:180:17:19

Why would you need to?

0:17:190:17:21

Well, you say that, but more than 50 a year,

0:17:210:17:23

injuries caused by cows.

0:17:230:17:25

-Really? 50 idiots.

-Particularly calving mothers.

0:17:250:17:28

-They can get more aggressive than bulls.

-Fair enough, because they've...

0:17:280:17:32

We're afraid of bulls, but actually cows are...yeah.

0:17:320:17:34

But, presumably, if you're putting your arms up a cow's nunny

0:17:340:17:37

to pull a calf out, she's allowed to kick you in the face.

0:17:370:17:40

Oh, there'll be a bit of that. I don't think we're talking about that.

0:17:400:17:43

-No, we're talking about...

-Ramblers.

0:17:430:17:45

Yeah, ramblers, and what happens is, particularly dogs tease them,

0:17:450:17:48

the cow then gets aggressive with the dog and chases the dog

0:17:480:17:50

and the dog, of course, yelps back to its owner.

0:17:500:17:53

And then the cow will butt the owner.

0:17:530:17:54

They crowd you, don't they?

0:17:540:17:56

And then if you fall down, you get trampled.

0:17:560:17:58

-Yeah.

-So get the hell out.

-So you need to scarper.

0:17:580:18:00

You do need to scarper, is the answer, yeah.

0:18:000:18:02

So, how do you get an ant to keep still?

0:18:020:18:04

-# Keep on hidin'. #

-Sarah?

0:18:040:18:06

Stop the music.

0:18:060:18:08

And then... Like that. That's very good.

0:18:090:18:12

Do you know, by any chance,

0:18:120:18:14

who was the first person accurately to portray small insects?

0:18:140:18:19

Most famously the flea, which is a very recognisable image,

0:18:190:18:21

which is the cover of his book Micrographia.

0:18:210:18:24

He was a remarkable scientist, town planner,

0:18:240:18:27

he has a law named after him of tension and springs.

0:18:270:18:30

He was a contemporary of Newton and Christopher Wren.

0:18:300:18:33

He was responsible for much of the town planning

0:18:330:18:35

after the Fire of London.

0:18:350:18:37

And he used a microscope to see animals,

0:18:370:18:40

including this little flea.

0:18:400:18:42

And an ant! And there it is.

0:18:420:18:44

He was an amazing artist, as you can see.

0:18:440:18:46

And he describes precisely how he got the ant to keep still.

0:18:460:18:51

He said, "I gave it a gill of brandy,

0:18:510:18:53

"which after a while knocked him down dead-drunk."

0:18:530:18:57

"He struggled..." Wonderful phrase this.

0:18:570:18:59

"..for a pretty while very much."

0:18:590:19:01

Sounds like he was drinking it himself there.

0:19:010:19:03

"For a pretty while very much till at last..."

0:19:030:19:05

-SLURRED:

-One for you, one for me.

-Yeah.

0:19:050:19:07

"Till at last, certain bubbles issuing out of its mouth,

0:19:070:19:10

"it ceased to move and remained moveless for a good while."

0:19:100:19:13

-"Remained moveless"?

-"Moveless", yeah.

0:19:130:19:15

Well, it was in 1665, the book came out, Micrographia.

0:19:150:19:18

-Well done.

-A gill, by the way, is a quarter of a pint.

0:19:180:19:20

Wow.

0:19:200:19:21

They can hold their booze, can't they, ants?

0:19:210:19:23

-Yeah, they can.

-Cooee!

0:19:230:19:25

-Eight times their body weight.

-What was this man's name?

0:19:250:19:28

Do you remember?

0:19:280:19:29

-Audience?

-"Do you remember?"!

-IAN: Robert Hooke.

0:19:290:19:31

Well, yeah, Ian Robinson shouted out.

0:19:310:19:34

Ian Robinson is a physicist. That's cheating.

0:19:340:19:36

But, yes, Robert Hooke.

0:19:360:19:37

And he suffered, as many did,

0:19:370:19:38

although he was one of the greatest geniuses who ever lived...

0:19:380:19:41

Isaac Newton was a really thoroughly ghastly man,

0:19:410:19:45

and he particularly hated Hooke and had him erased from history,

0:19:450:19:48

because anybody who wasn't Newton was just not good enough.

0:19:480:19:51

And all the portraits of him, he got rid of,

0:19:510:19:53

because he was so powerful, Newton,

0:19:530:19:54

because he was such a genius and so recognised around the world.

0:19:540:19:57

And an artist named Rita Greer has set herself the task

0:19:570:19:59

of creating more portraits of Hooke than there are of Newton, to redress the balance.

0:19:590:20:03

-Really?

-And here's one.

0:20:030:20:04

It's based on meticulously researched likenesses of him.

0:20:040:20:07

There are now 20 in the world, as opposed to 16 of Newton.

0:20:070:20:10

So Hooke has won, though, obviously, Newton was a truly great man.

0:20:100:20:14

So Newton did this, did he? He was a bit of a wrong'n?

0:20:140:20:16

-I'm afraid he was.

-A terrible egomaniac.

0:20:160:20:18

-Total egomaniac.

-Gravity, see, it goes to your head.

0:20:180:20:21

Yeah. Gravity goes to your head!

0:20:210:20:23

He looks like he's had a few gills of whisky there, doesn't he?

0:20:230:20:27

He does a bit, doesn't he? He's a little...bleugh.

0:20:270:20:29

He doesn't look as if he's had much sun.

0:20:290:20:31

SLURRED: "Look, there's two little ants metting in a pub."

0:20:310:20:34

"Hello!" "Would you like a brandy?"

0:20:340:20:38

"Arghhhh."

0:20:380:20:39

"I love you." "No, I love YOU."

0:20:430:20:47

Well, there you go.

0:20:470:20:49

How hard is it to be a nude model?

0:20:490:20:52

LAUGHTER

0:20:530:20:56

Don't you remember that, Alan?

0:20:590:21:01

-I do not remember that.

-Oh, that was a good night.

0:21:020:21:05

It's the woman second from the left

0:21:050:21:07

who seems to be, uh, most enjoying the view.

0:21:070:21:10

-The one with the orange scarf.

-Was it cold? Were you being...?

0:21:100:21:14

She's going to need a bigger pad than that, I tell you.

0:21:140:21:17

They're all just drawing sections of you, aren't they?

0:21:190:21:23

"I'll do the helmet."

0:21:230:21:25

"Yeah. Oh, you're all right there, yeah."

0:21:250:21:27

Were you being funny there, or...?

0:21:270:21:29

-That's not really him.

-Oh, it's not real? Oh!

0:21:290:21:31

No, we cleverly made it up.

0:21:310:21:33

-I assumed...

-Bless you.

0:21:330:21:35

..that you would be funny naked. I'm sorry, Alan.

0:21:350:21:37

You assumed he'd be funny naked?

0:21:370:21:39

Well, that's what I can see. I'm sorry.

0:21:390:21:41

-Yes. You say what you see.

-Yeah.

0:21:410:21:43

But there is actually a Register of Artists' Models -

0:21:430:21:47

"RAM" - that looks after the interests of models,

0:21:470:21:50

and it thinks the idea that life modelling is a breeze is completely wrong.

0:21:500:21:53

To keep still for a long while is very, very hard.

0:21:530:21:56

-You get pins and needles and cramp.

-Yeah.

-Pins and needles, cramp.

0:21:560:21:58

You have to do one thing at a time.

0:21:580:22:00

You start with short poses called "gestures" -

0:22:000:22:02

bold action-oriented poses - which are used as a warm-up.

0:22:020:22:04

You go two minutes, then five minutes

0:22:040:22:06

and then eventually 30-plus.

0:22:060:22:07

There's more work for women than men.

0:22:070:22:09

The classes prefer them

0:22:090:22:11

and there are more of them in the market, it appears.

0:22:110:22:13

And in 1998, a man called George Bond

0:22:130:22:16

took Northampton College to an industrial tribunal,

0:22:160:22:19

claiming that he was not being employed on the basis of his gender

0:22:190:22:22

and that it was sexual discrimination.

0:22:220:22:24

In fact, they were able to demonstrate that it was personal,

0:22:240:22:27

and the reason was he couldn't hold a pose, he fidgeted,

0:22:270:22:30

went to the loo too often, had a background in erotic films,

0:22:300:22:33

which troubled the A-level students,

0:22:330:22:35

particularly one 16-year-old at whom he winked when she was drawing.

0:22:350:22:38

-What with? What did he wink with?

-They claimed he was...

0:22:380:22:41

Oh, don't say that!

0:22:410:22:42

-"What did he wink with?!"

-GROANING AND LAUGHTER

0:22:420:22:45

My little eye.

0:22:490:22:50

Having said that, he explained to them

0:22:500:22:52

that he didn't have glasses so he was squinting,

0:22:520:22:54

but he did also improvise a pose which involved sticking his bottom into the air,

0:22:540:22:57

which was described by some students as giving "an unfortunate view".

0:22:570:23:00

-So...

-They didn't want him. They didn't want him there.

0:23:000:23:03

-They didn't want to draw him.

-They just didn't want George there.

0:23:030:23:06

-Get out, George.

-So he lost the case.

0:23:060:23:08

But there are contentious issues

0:23:080:23:09

described by the Register of Artists' Models,

0:23:090:23:12

and the contentious issues include

0:23:120:23:15

raids on studios by amusing non-art students

0:23:150:23:18

who just want to see a nudey person.

0:23:180:23:20

-Ah, yes.

-Which is very silly.

0:23:200:23:21

A warning against passing window cleaners.

0:23:210:23:25

And their policy is to suspend any member -

0:23:250:23:27

that's an odd way of phrasing it -

0:23:270:23:29

who gets an erection during a sitting.

0:23:290:23:31

-When I say "Suspend any member"...

-"Suspend a member".

0:23:310:23:34

-I mean...

-Right, OK, yeah.

-From a great height.

0:23:340:23:36

You'd suspend yourself, wouldn't you?

0:23:360:23:38

..are forced out of the Register.

0:23:380:23:39

You'd have to say, "All right, I'll get my coat."

0:23:390:23:41

-Right, yeah.

-And then just hang it over the...

0:23:410:23:44

Is that like being struck off, then, is it?

0:23:440:23:46

Yes. Basically, it is, yeah.

0:23:460:23:48

You can't ever be a nude model if you can't control yourself.

0:23:480:23:50

You can't ever be. Absolutely. Well, there you are, that's RAM.

0:23:500:23:54

Now a question about keeping quiet.

0:23:540:23:56

-SOFTLY:

-How quiet is the quietest place in the world?

0:23:560:23:59

-Well quiet.

-Well quiet.

0:24:010:24:03

Is it...? There's an anechoic chamber somewhere in America.

0:24:030:24:08

Yes, there is. There's one in Britain too.

0:24:080:24:10

-And there's one here?

-Yeah.

0:24:100:24:11

Which is... It's completely devoid of all sound.

0:24:110:24:13

-And it sort of absorbs sound when you go in it.

-That's right.

0:24:130:24:17

It's at the University of Salford,

0:24:170:24:19

and it is minus 12.4 decibels.

0:24:190:24:23

As you can see there,

0:24:230:24:24

it's got all these sort of wedges and things to stop any kind of echoing.

0:24:240:24:27

Actually there's a hemi-anechoic chamber,

0:24:270:24:30

with a reverberation chamber as well,

0:24:300:24:32

in the National Physical Laboratory,

0:24:320:24:34

and I went there and I recorded myself popping a balloon,

0:24:340:24:38

first in the reverberation chamber

0:24:380:24:40

and then in the hemi-anechoic chamber,

0:24:400:24:42

which is slightly less than a full anechoic,

0:24:420:24:44

but it's still pretty bloody amaze-oid.

0:24:440:24:46

Did I just say "amaze-oid"? How tragic.

0:24:460:24:48

You really did.

0:24:480:24:50

Oh, God, I'm sad. Hang on.

0:24:500:24:52

-ECHOING RECORDING OF STEPHEN:

-'I am in the reverberation chamber.'

0:24:520:24:56

'It's extraordinary.'

0:24:580:25:00

'Wow!'

0:25:010:25:03

'Arrgh! I'm going to burst the balloon now.'

0:25:030:25:07

EXTENDED ECHOING POP

0:25:080:25:10

-So remember that.

-Right. That's the balloon.

0:25:110:25:14

That's the reverberation chamber. OK, it's still going.

0:25:140:25:17

-'Gee, that was fantastic!'

-LAUGHTER

0:25:170:25:21

'Just an ordinary ickle balloon!'

0:25:230:25:24

You were off your face in there, weren't you?

0:25:240:25:27

-ECHOLESS RECORDING:

-'And now I am in a hemi-anechoic chamber.'

0:25:270:25:31

-'Here we go. Three, two, one.'

-SHARP POP

0:25:310:25:35

Isn't that incredible?

0:25:360:25:38

'It's a dead flat sound. How exciting is that?'

0:25:380:25:41

-There we are. That's it.

-That is amazing.

0:25:410:25:44

Thank you. Thank you to the National Physical Laboratory.

0:25:460:25:50

So, who has the world's biggest mouth?

0:25:500:25:52

-Blue whale.

-Oh!

0:25:520:25:54

SIREN BLARES

0:25:540:25:56

It wouldn't be QI, would it, Alan?

0:25:560:25:58

Oh, the strange thing is, you're so close.

0:25:580:26:01

The blue whale's the biggest animal on earth that's ever been.

0:26:010:26:04

The second-biggest has the biggest mouth, oddly enough.

0:26:040:26:06

Another whale? A different sort of whale?

0:26:060:26:08

It's another whale, yes. It's usually found in the Arctic.

0:26:080:26:10

-Oh, right.

-Under the ice pack.

0:26:100:26:12

It's a hugely slow animal, beautiful.

0:26:120:26:14

One was found recently that had an 1870s harpoon in it.

0:26:140:26:17

It was still alive. They live a very long time.

0:26:170:26:19

-Good gosh.

-Huge things.

0:26:190:26:21

They've got a lovely smile on their face that is curved, bit like a bow.

0:26:210:26:25

So they're known as...?

0:26:250:26:27

Bowhead whales.

0:26:270:26:28

Aren't they marvellous?

0:26:280:26:30

Beautiful. The idea of killing them is just...

0:26:300:26:32

But they have the most blubber of any whale.

0:26:320:26:34

-That's probably why he's not so happy.

-Yeah.

0:26:340:26:36

The bowhead has a unique organ in its mouth.

0:26:380:26:40

There's really nothing quite like it.

0:26:400:26:42

The only thing you could say is like it, frankly...

0:26:420:26:44

Those are its baleen plates -

0:26:440:26:46

the sort of hairy feathery bits that it sieves food with.

0:26:460:26:49

Wow.

0:26:490:26:50

But the bit underneath it isn't a tongue, it's actually more like a penis.

0:26:500:26:53

-And I know that sounds silly, but it's...

-Sounds great.

0:26:530:26:55

Well, yes...

0:26:550:26:56

I was supposed to just think that, sorry.

0:27:010:27:04

It's fine.

0:27:040:27:05

It is a sort of material.

0:27:050:27:07

I mean, a fleshy material that engorges...

0:27:070:27:10

..it engorges with blood and becomes absolutely huge with blood.

0:27:110:27:16

-Erect.

-And erect, in its mouth.

-Yes.

0:27:160:27:18

And it cools it, because it takes all the blood right up

0:27:180:27:21

and it pushes it out and gets the water over it.

0:27:210:27:23

So when it overheats, all this water goes...

0:27:230:27:26

..and all its blood is in its sort of mouth cock,

0:27:260:27:28

if you can call it that.

0:27:280:27:30

-We SHALL call it that.

-The way of cooling the mouth.

0:27:300:27:34

SARAH CACKLES

0:27:340:27:35

The way of cooling its brain.

0:27:350:27:37

It's the corpus cavernosum maxillaris, is its proper name.

0:27:370:27:41

-"Mouth cock".

-But it's a tissue...

-"Mouth cock."

0:27:410:27:43

It opens the mouth, the Arctic water flows in.

0:27:430:27:46

-Mouth organ.

-Cools the organ.

-Yeah.

0:27:460:27:49

-"Mouth organ"! That's much better.

-There you go.

0:27:490:27:51

And that cools its brain.

0:27:510:27:53

So it's a kind of 12-foot-long penis in its mouth.

0:27:530:27:55

12-foot-long, I mean, it's like a lamppost in length.

0:27:550:27:58

I don't think he's a member of the RAM society.

0:27:580:28:01

No, I don't think he is.

0:28:010:28:03

-So it's like its own thermostat, then, really. So it's...

-Yes.

0:28:030:28:06

-Yeah.

-Absolutely, a cooling system.

-Oh, OK.

0:28:060:28:08

So, anyway, there's your bowhead whale.

0:28:080:28:12

Now, that brings us to the business of the scores.

0:28:120:28:15

Oh, I say, damn, it's close.

0:28:150:28:17

In first place, with minus 7, it's Bill Bailey!

0:28:170:28:20

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:200:28:22

-And second-equal, with minus 9, it's Jason and Sarah.

-Oh, wow!

0:28:250:28:29

Fourth place, with minus 10, is the audience!

0:28:330:28:36

Yes!

0:28:370:28:39

But our runaway loser, with minus 27, is Alan Davies.

0:28:400:28:44

Good work.

0:28:470:28:48

So, it's thanks from Sarah, Jason, Bill, Alan and me.

0:28:520:28:55

You all keep in touch now, you hear? Goodbye.

0:28:550:28:57

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