Kris Kringle QI

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

Noel, noel, noel, noel.

"Hell is empty, all the devils are here," to quote Shakespeare.

Welcome to the QI Christmas Show, otherwise known as the Feast of Stephen.

Let's meet our merry players. Miss Scarlet, Jo Brand.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Colonel Mustard, Phill Jupitus.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Mrs Brown, Brendan O'Carroll.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And the lead piping in the bathroom, Alan Davies.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And their buzzers are adorable. Jo goes...

FEMALE AUDIENCE: # Oh, come let us adore him

Brendan goes... MALE AUDIENCE: # Oh, come let us adore him

Phill goes... ALL: # Oh, come let us adore him.

And Alan goes... ALL: # Rudolph the red nosed reindeer. #

Ever one to spoil a party, thank you, Alan.

And so to our first question.

Ooh, you've been given a truly horrible sweater for Christmas.

Oh, sorry, that's the question.

What's the best way to get rid of it?

Some comedic unravelling that they used to always do in films

when I was little on the telly, and you never see that joke any more.

There's always someone getting a thing and it's unravelling and they never know.

THEY MIMIC UNRAVELLING

That definitely would do it. Tom and Jerry. That would do it.

Any other thoughts?

Well, you can get in touch with the people at CERN,

who have been working on the Higgs Boson, which I'm fairly sure

will lead to time travel, and then you can turn them back into sheep.

Reversing time is a very good idea. That would do it. It's complex.

Yeah. Brendan? I would just say "Thank you very much" and burn it.

Ever the practical, positive solution.

I'd do the same, I'd set fire to it, but I'd make

sure my least favourite relative was trying it on at the time.

Well...

You could give it to charity.

There was a lady who lived in our road who used to donate

three shirts, four shirts a week to charity,

and then she'd go back and buy them back for 50p each,

because it was cheaper than leaving them into the cleaners.

Yes, that is fantastic. That's brilliant.

Well, the funny thing is,

between you, you've oddly got near the truth of it.

Unravel it whilst travelling through time?

You sort of do the effect of travelling through time.

If you take a sweater on a journey back through time,

eventually it becomes a ball of wool.

And is there a machine that can take a pullover

and unravel it back into its constituent woollen parts?

Or a scarf, for example?

Why would you make such a thing?

Why indeed?

We have the only person we know on the planet who has done it.

Imogen Hedges, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, Imogen. Hi.

Lovely to see you.

Now...

to explain ourselves, you're a student at?

Kingston, I've just graduated.

And one of your projects was an un-knitting machine.

And is this something you've built yourself? Yeah.

Which is fantastic. What a mind.

Most people think, "I'll try and make something,"

but to un-make something, to go back in time.

Could you take Alan's scarf and return it to a ball of wool? Yeah.

Seriously? Yeah.

Oh, charming!

Can you, once you've un-knitted it, can you knit it again?

Yeah. OK.

She can do anything. Can we see your machine?

There it is and that's your brother there? My brother.

Tristan, give us a wave. My helpful assistant.

Hello, Tristan. He's going to operate it, it's pedal powered. Yes, it's pedal.

Do they not have electricity in Kingston at the university?

Has the recession bitten that hard?

It's like the wind-up radio, it's for use around the world.

Can I ask a question? Has Tristan got a girlfriend?

He is quite, he is... He's very cute, isn't he?

Yes. One would, one feels.

He's going to pedal fast now, I tell you that.

Stop it, stop it, stop it at once. All right.

Slow down, Tristan, slow down. Just behave. I'm sorry.

He'll be ploughing across the studio. "Sod your knitting!"

Stop it, stop it, stop it. Imogen, thanks very much, you can take the scarf away

and we'll be looking in on you.

APPLAUSE

Oh, dear!

I just hate it when you two get all Christmassy like that.

We'll be looking in on her from time to time.

Now, we're all loyal servants of Her Majesty here -

what do you think the Queen's going to give you for Christmas this year?

CHOIR SINGS # ..reindeer... #

A message! She will certainly be giving us all a message,

that's true. Is that not a klaxon, I felt certain it would be a klaxon.

It should have been, but it's true.

For years, it's actually been a robot.

But she only gives things to people when they're 100.

She gives Maundy money. She gives Maundy money on Maundy Thursday...

What else does she give? Well, her staff, which is obviously extensive,

used to be...they could choose from a catalogue...

Argos? LAUGHTER

..and...with a value between... What, choose their present?

..between ?20-25, according to length of service.

Between 20 and...? That's a very small window.

It's not exactly...! ?26.99? No.

AS QUEEN: Too much!

In 2006, it sort of changed. They all get the same thing, the staff.

These are her equerries and butlers and so on.

Obviously, her family is different. This is if you are a servant,

in some way. How many staff?

I don't have the number, but it's pretty enormous. I'm sorry.

You don't know?! I've failed you, Brendan, on the first fence.

'Sake! I apologise from the very heart of everything.

I thought you would know every light bulb in the Palace. Oh, damn it.

I'll just say a number and you'll believe me. Yes.

There are over 4,000 light bulbs in the Palace. My God.

That's some bill. Have you not met the Queen yet?

I... Yes. She nudged me once.

Quite hard, in the ribs. It was...quite funny!

It was at her son's wedding, to Camilla,

at Windsor Castle, and...

she'd made a very funny speech, she'd got on a table,

she'd stood on the table... She got on a table?! Yeah.

Sort of clambered up? She stood on the chair, got on the table,

then she made a very funny speech, got down,

and just mingled among everybody. I got this rib...

"Is anybody going to give me cake?"

LAUGHTER It was brilliant!

I tell you...!

So I said, "Of course, Ma'am, I'll get you some cake."

This must be a dream, you've dreamed all of it!

I know it sounds mad, but it's absolutely true.

I'm going outside for a fag!

It was in the days I smoked and I was caught by a photographer

in the buttresses of the chapel at Windsor.

The bu...! LAUGHTER

With my big top hat and everything, smoking.

Coming out of the top! You can take the woolly hats off now if you like,

if you're getting hot.

You don't like yours? Thank you.

Pop it under the thingy. Shall I pop it under?

Or you can keep it on, which...they like.

LAUGHTER

Let's see how Imogen is getting on, shall we? That would be rather fun.

Have you started your machine?

Oh, there it is! And there's Tristan pedalling away.

Yes, indeed!

He's looking so shy now, I feel terrible! Ha!

That is amazing, you can see it. It is absolutely unravelling

before our eyes - brilliant!

APPLAUSE

Wow!

I thought they would have got it done ages ago,

if Tristan wasn't quite so relaxed.

LAUGHTER

Oh, no! No! GASPS

You have made...! You...! Jo Brand!

Oh, the humanity!

Oh!

You deliberately spilled boiling water on his trousers,

so you can mop them down.

You wicked, wicked woman.

As soon as they go off-screen, Imogen is going to beat him!

Is Tristan wearing corduroys,

so the heat generated by the whiff-whiff of the corduroy

is powering the kettle?

You have embarrassed the brother and sister team almost to death.

Sorry, Imogen, sorry. If he gets snagged up in that,

he might get unravelled himself.

A full human being being unravelled! Little piles of...

I'm going to build one of those for next Christmas.

It would be great. Well, you should!

Thank you very much, Imogen and Tristan - sorry about that.

We'll let you replace it. Ruined. It's not ruined.

Let's go back to Her Maj...

Now, the fact is, if you work for the Queen - nowadays -

you all get the same present,

instead of being able to choose from the catalogue.

We've done a montage of them - bottle of bubbly, silver plate...

2008 reflected the mood of financial restraint -

was just coasters.

And in 2012, Jubilee Year, a special themed trinket box.

You all get the same thing, with monogrammed...something -

cigar box, or whatever it was.

You can't expect the woman to go

down the high street shopping, can you?

No! No! Especially not if she's in one of her cake frenzies.

More cake!

Cake!

Give me cake!!

Have to pull her away from Greggs.

Yeah! Oh...!

It takes three equerries...

Or are they e-QUE-rries? Or are they eclairs?

It's e-QUE-rries. Is that a cake? I don't know!

Anyway...

Now, why is Santa off the rich list?

Aw!

Poor Santa. Cutbacks?

That might be...! Austerity drive.

Austerity drive... He only works one day a year.

Only works one day a year... Has he developed a conscience?

He used to be on the rich list, until 2006 - Forbes Magazine

famously invented virtually the idea of a rich list.

Is there some...? Yes, young Brendan?

Is it because...

WHISPERS: ..he may not be real?

BELL AND KLAXON SOUND

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Thank you!

Oh, and poor Phill!

LAUGHTER

Phill - that got a klaxon, so that can't be right.

Don't worry...

There!

Poor little soul!

Two things - Forbes Magazine genuinely publishes

a fictional rich list.

And Santa Claus used to be on it, because they reckoned

he must be infinitely rich, because he is able to distribute

presents every year to all the children of the world.

They said, "I don't believe he does..."

I don't know why... Richie Rich. That's Richie Rich, of course.

Scrooge... Scrooge, I guess, on the left. Father Christmas himself...

The late Bernard Manning, on the right?

LAUGHTER

Can you name... I've got the top five. ..name any in the top five

that you imagine might be on the rich list?

Real people or imaginary? No, fictional, that's the point.

Scrooge McDuck. No - but number two

IS the enemy of Scrooge McDuck.

SOMEONE MAKES DUCK SOUNDS

BRENDAN MAKES DUCK SOUNDS Good one.

Flintheart Glomgold...is his name.

Flintheart Glomgold. Flintheart Glomgold, yeah.

And number one... played Benedict Cumberbatch...

the richest fictional creature in the world -

human or... They know in the audience!

MAN IN AUDIENCE: Smaug. Smaug.

Smaug was the dragon in The Hobbit.

$62 billion worth of gold, he sits upon,

until of course he... Well, I'm not going to tell you the ending,

because I happen to be in it. Don't spoil it.

But why is Santa taken off, because surely he must be really rich

to give everyone a present...? It's a very simple reason.

Tax evasion. Not tax evasion!

Unusual answer. Because it's a fictional...

And he's real! ..list, and Santa is real!

ALL: Aw!

Forbes decided that, so there you go!

Good result, Santa!

APPLAUSE

Just let's see how Imogen's doing, shall we? Imogen and Tristan?

Oh, you... Spool it back up...

He's turning slowly...

Oh, he's doing two tasks now. Hey, very good!

He's getting it back into a ball.

It actually doesn't just unravel it, it balls it up as well.

Look at th... Balls it up - sorry!

Beautifully!

Look at how cunning that little thing is, the way it moves,

the little shuttley... It's called Tristan, Stephen. No!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Imogen, what do you call that... sort of unit, that winds it up?

BRENDAN: Her brother.

Erm...

Did you design the way that it moves like that, so that it could...?

The little tiny thing? Yeah. That's from eBay.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I think British industry in the future has nothing to fear.

We're going to win over the world. Congratulations.

We'll come back when that ball of wool is complete. That's brilliant.

Now, historic moment... Baaa!

Baaa!

What's Baldrick brought for me this Christmas?

Baldrick... Right, OK.

Bought for you, Melchett? Are we Melching...?

Well, it's for me. It's for you?

And who is that there on the screen?

Tony Robinson. Tony Robinson.

And there is a Tony Robinson, Baldrick, who is about to come on.

But in the First World War, as you

probably know, and we've covered before... Football.

..there was a Christmas football truce. Truce, yes.

But what happened later,

in 1915,

was that because football had been banned at Christmas Day,

a soldier smuggled into the trench a football -

it was deflated, so that no-one would spot it.

And then he blew it up before the Battle of Loos.

And in the morning, when the whistle blew

to commence the offensive,

he threw it out of the trench, shouting,

"Play up, London Irish,"

because he was from the London Irish Regiment,

which I'm sure you'll be aware of. I am, indeed.

Great regiment. And they found the football

when they got to the German trench -

they kept it,

and it so happens, a member of that London Irish

happens to be called Tony Robinson,

and is therefore always called Baldrick by his fellows -

and he has brought that football along today.

ALL: Wow!

APPLAUSE

My God!

Flies up, man!

LAUGHTER

# Oh, Christmas came early...! #

Darling, take that man's name!

And address. Erm...

This really is, Tony, the football. It is indeed.

And where is it kept? It is kept in the museum,

which is now down in Camberwell, at the London Irish Rifles.

Is it called the London Irish Regiment or the London Regiment?

We're D Company London Irish Rifles of the London Regiment.

Right, D-Company.

And it's still an active regiment in the British Army,

and we have some of your fellow soldiers over here.

If you'd like to stand up, here they are...

APPLAUSE

Fabulous to see you, boys.

They're all recently back from Helmand Province in Afghanistan.

This is a very historic year for Irish soldiers. Tell me why.

Well, last May, all Irish soldiers

who deserted the Irish Army... Oh, yes! Have been...

I haven't finished the fucker yet! No, no. Sorry.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Carry on. All soldiers who deserted the Irish Army

in both First World War and Second World War periods

and joined the British Army to fight for the British Army

were granted a pardon. That is extraordinary, isn't it?

Well, it's too late now, they're dead. Almost all of them are dead,

but it was true, that if you were Irish and anti-fascist, say...

Yes. ..and you wanted to fight for the Allies against Germany,

and so you joined the British Army,

it was considered by the Irish Government that you were a traitor.

Correct. You got no pension, you couldn't work for the government.

You could barely go home. Yeah, indeed.

Thank you very much, and please sit down. Members of D Company,

thank you so much.

APPLAUSE

Anyway, erm, Baldrick... Sir.

..I've never seen you looking better.

You're still an absolute disaster of a human being.

Thank you so much for bringing me...lunch.

Erm, I'm not very hungry - you can take it away.

Thank you, sir. Thank you very much indeed.

Wonderful. APPLAUSE

Tony Robinson.

So, yeah - that football you've just seen

was kicked right across no-man's land by Rifleman Frank Edwards

and the London Irish in 1915.

Now, let's test your beer goggles, as it were.

We have a man who is going to hold up a picture -

who is it of?

Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn Monroe. Yeah.

You can see the picture there - Marilyn Monroe.

Now, Sam, walk towards us, if you'd be kind enough...

I don't think it... I thought...

I think it's supposed to look like her but I'm suspicious.

Albert Einstein!

Albert Einstein! Holy crap!

It is rather extraordinary. It's both... They're related?!

No! LAUGHTER

They were in the same room, Brendan!

You'd hardly imagine they would be, would you?

I think Marilyn Monroe did have quite a bad facial hair problem.

Did she?! From a distance, the image DOES look like Marilyn Monroe,

because what they do is... It's created by the MIT,

this illusion - the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

They removed Marilyn's fine-grained features,

like wrinkles and little blemishes,

and Einstein's coarser features,

like the shape of his mouth and nose,

and then they superimposed the two.

And from a distance, we see just the broader strokes -

we see her, Marilyn Monroe.

And close up, we see the fine details of Albert Einstein.

And we've done another version, just to show this really does work,

it's not just Marilyn...

Erm, who's that? Handsome man.

That's Stephen Fry - I know him well. That's me! That's me!

Hurray! And if you come towards us...

Hello? Ah!

Hello?

It's Alan Davies! Yeh!

APPLAUSE

How about that?

Who is it now? Oh, yeah, look at that.

Yeah, we have to be that close. That's fantastic. Isn't that interesting?

It's an extraordinary illusion. Hope they've done two of them

so we can have one each in our bedrooms. I want one in my house! What distance do you want it though?

Ha-ha! I want to be far away from it, Stephen.

LAUGHTER

Toss you for it. Oh! Sorry.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed. Thanks, our picture bearers, and...

That's class. And thank you, Albert and Marilyn.

So the take-home message tonight is...don't trust your eyes,

even when you're sober. In fact, you probably shouldn't really trust anything,

but we've just come to that bit which we call General Ignorance.

So fingers on buzzers for very quick ones. What year was Jesus born?

MALE AUDIENCE: # Oh, come let us... #

Yes, Brendan? 5BC.

Ooh, it's not the right answer.

Damn close though. Four.

No. Three?

No.

Two? No.

Other direction, eight? Six?

Yes! Ah, come on!

He was born six years before Christ!

Well done, Jesus. How crazy is that?

That's how clever he is. Now how do we know?

Somebody told us.

It's, the only authority we could possibly have is...

There's a book about him, come on!

The Bible doesn't give the date, though. Doesn't it?

It's been worked out by the only man we've ever been able to call,

certainly for over 1,000 years, I think, Pope Emeritus.

Who is he? Emeritus, what does Emeritus mean?

An ex-Pope. An ex-Pope. Is there an ex-Pope in the world?

We've got one now. We have.

Benedict, yes. You didn't phone him, did you?

It is Pope Emeritus Benedict the 16th. Pope Emeritus.

His Holiness wrote a book with the catchy title -

Jesus Of Nazareth, The Infancy Narratives.

And the calculation made by Dionysius Exiguus,

which is basically Latin for Dennis the Small,

on which the modern dating system is based,

was wrong by several years, he says, and so he puts the date at 6BC,

which you eventually got to, Alan, in your usual method.

What was the year before 1AD?

FEMALE AUDIENCE: # Oh, come... #

Yes, Jo? Nought.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!

BUZZER

No. Hurray. Well done.

APPLAUSE

Much admired.

1BC. Is the right answer.

Oh, I was going to say that!

Why there, you're so surprised. Ah!

You're right, it went from December the 31st 1BC to 1st January 1AD.

The BC/AD scheme, for some reason, doesn't have a zero.

Anyway, here's an obviously easy one -

is zero an odd number or an even number?

It's not a number.

No, it is a number. I give up.

No, that's, it's an interesting thought.

BUZZER

Yes!

So it is one of them.

Right, no, hang on. It's even.

Yes! Yes, it's even, isn't it?

Oh. Class goes wild.

In an all criteria

by which you judge an even number, it is even.

An even number is divisible by two without leaving a remainder.

Well, nought over two is nought, with no remainder.

Or it's a number that ends in zero, two, four, six or eight.

Well, zero obviously ends in zero, because it is zero.

Also, it has either side of it minus one and one,

which are both odd numbers.

Our maths elf at QI thinks it's the easiest question

that's ever been asked on QI.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take away my glory now! I'll get my points.

It's the easiest question that's ever been asked, yeah!

But he is a maths elf.

The sun isn't there, I had that about four series ago,

and I'm looking at it and it's not there, but this is easier!

I know, maths people are odd. I hate this show!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Phill. So you're so good at it.

So you feel bad, I got it wrong!

That's true, where does that put you?

Now, who wants to see one of my knick-knacks?

My first knick-knack is for you to do.

I want you to create some extraordinarily magical

Christmassy things using the power of chemistry alone.

And chemistry, let's not forget, means magic. Ooh.

Alchemit, alchemit, the magic. So, you should have...

Stephen, are we going to make a seasonal meth lab?

Maybe. Take out your little chemistry lab.

You have to put on your gloves, I'm afraid, for health and safety reasons.

Ooh, the gloves are good. Oh. While you're doing yours,

because yours takes a bit of time, as you'll see, pour one in.

What are we doing?

You pour the contents of your smaller into the larger.

Ah-ha, the usual!

Yeah, what it is is, there is a...

So let me get this straight,

we're providing a sample, is that what we're...?

No. Now it should turn brown, put the lid on.

And then you just swirl until,

sort of just swirl gently, sort of twist and swirl.

Is it like that? And you need to do that for about two minutes, just,

not too violently, just that's it, lovely. I've done this before.

Right, and while you're doing that,

I'll just do my demonstration of using dry ice,

which as we know, always makes a marvellous reaction with water.

Am I doing this right? Keep swirling.

What are the chances of us being busted by the Feds while we're doing this?

And I've got this. Stephen Fry's crack house.

It's like Tom Cruise in Cocktail. Look at this. Oh.

Phill, I've got this. Ooh! Wow, Christmas party!

Yeah. Oh, I'll have some of that!

OK, now, it's going to be quite a violent reaction to this, as

I'm sure you've all seen dry ice, as they call it, and I've

got here, this is sort of bubble,

you know, like bubbles you blow.

I don't know where that's going.

So what we're trying to do is make smoky bubbles.

It's a little sort of Christmassy effect, here, God, I hope

I can get the lid on in time.

Oh, Stephen... Woo-hoo...! Woo!

Get down there.

Wo, hey, yeh, wo! What are you doing, Fry?!

Wo! Where's that...?

Get the lid on! Oh, no!

Get the lid on! Argh! Argh!

Lid! Lid is on, lid is on!

Lid is on. It's going everywhere!

Bubbles. Here are my little bubbles.

Oh, oh!

There's one, look, big one! Pop it.

Ping! Ooh!

Smoky bubble.

Aah. Smoky bubble! Oh, oh! Smoky

bubble! Oh! Smoky bubble!

APPLAUSE

There we are.

I've gone completely reflective.

Oh, there you are.

Look, you've made a bauble.

Look at that.

You've made a bauble, because your little experiment,

invented by Mr Tollens, is one of the things

he used was silver nitrate, the same thing used in film photography.

And that is silver. Wow.

You've got this beautiful silver bauble that you've made,

just by mixing those two chemicals.

Can I just say, I've just seen myself, I didn't realise that

I look like Last Christmas by Weight Watchers Wham.

LAUGHTER

That is hideous.

But it is, oh, careful, it is very beautiful, isn't it?

Gorgeous.

And they used to use exactly that for lining the inside

of Thermos flasks, you know how they're silvered on the inside?

Oh. Yeah. That's lovely. And mirrors.

And there it is, you've made your own little home-made silver ball.

And I've finished my little bubbles.

And there we are.

Cool, man!

So, there's only one last thing to check, and that...

Has anyone got any worries?

Deeply.

There's just one last thing to check,

what's happened to Alan's gran's scarf?

Imogen, what do you have for us?

There it is! Literally.

APPLAUSE

There you go. Four balls of wool!

Thanks very much(!)

A brilliant invention.

I hope they gave you first class with honours and...

They didn't.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, frankly...

Quite wrong, quite wrong.

For the New Year show, I want to see what the one who got a first made!

But meanwhile, thank you, Imogen and Tristan Hedges. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The one who got a first probably made a scarf, Stephen.

LAUGHTER

You're absolutely right.

Well, that brings us to the little,

not inconsequential matter, of the Christmas scores.

And they are very interesting.

I'm afraid, in last place,

with a very creditable minus 19 is Brendan O'Carroll.

APPLAUSE

In third, with minus nine - Jo Brand.

APPLAUSE

That's Weight Watchers.

In Santa's second place, with minus six - Alan Davies.

Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

But our big Father Christmassy winner, with plus three,

is Phill Jupitus!

APPLAUSE

So, that's it from Brendan, Phill, Jo, Alan and me.

Merry Christmas to you all, everywhere. Bye-bye.