VG Part Two QI


VG Part Two

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language.

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening and welcome to QI.

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What does encyclopaedia mean?

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Because it sounds like a kiddy-fiddler on a bike.

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LAUGHTER

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No, I think...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Sometimes it is very tricky, I grant you.

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It could get an idiot into trouble. But...

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That seems so...

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LAUGHTER

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No. I didn't mean that in that way.

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I don't know what you're laughing at.

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The entry for "woman" in the original version

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of the Encyclopaedia Britannica just says, "the female of man, see homo."

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LAUGHTER

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He will tell you everything you need to know.

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-Yes, exactly. Because he's their best friend.

-Ah.

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JIMMY LAUGHS

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In the 1960s, an American called Dr Harvey Einbinder, who so

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-hated the Encyclopaedia Britannica, he wrote a book...

-I hate it!

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Exactly, he wrote a book where he listed all the things that

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were wrong in it. It was 390 pages long.

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-Oh, I like the sound of him.

-The Myth of Britannica.

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-What's his name?

-Harvey Einbinder.

-Harvey.

-Fabulous name, isn't it?

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Does he only have one binder?

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We meet at last, Mr Einbinder. Yes.

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He's a massive binder!

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Don't touch my binder!

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-Maybe that's why he hated Encyclo...

-This is the binder you seek!

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Yes, Encyclopaedia Britannica has 52 binders and I only have one!

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Ein Binder!

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He might have pronounced it "ein BIN-der," for all I know.

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Ein Binder!

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Now, how was it composed, who wrote the entries and articles?

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People on the internet.

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-That's now.

-Sorry, yes.

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That was, that's your Wiki, your wicked-pedia.

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-Was it a group of homos?

-No, it wasn't a group of homos.

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Well, if you ask a homo about everything, obviously they are...

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-Yes, I see what you mean.

-The homos are the...

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I see where you're coming from.

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No, it was experts in their chosen field.

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Prince Edward.

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So, no, in their day, contributors have included...

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-Katie Price.

-Sigmund Freud.

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That would be now, but in the past included

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Sigmund Freud, Albert Einstein, Leon Trotsky, Harry Houdini.

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I only know three of those people.

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And there's strangely no women there at all,

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is that because they're all off seeking homos?

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LAUGHTER

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-I'm incredibly sorry...

-To ask.

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I apologise, I didn't do the picture research for this particular

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item, and if I'd found, I'm sure...

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-That's all right, we're used to it, don't worry.

-Maybe Marie Curie...

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Someone must have written about baking in the book.

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SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

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Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

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I don't know if there's points given for bravery,

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but there's a certain... I think there's a certain,

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but I have to respect that slightly, just in terms of...

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-That is panache, definitely.

-I'm hiding in plain sight, Jimmy.

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Yeah. And maybe, I'd like to think Marie Curie had been asked to do

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-one on radiation, for example.

-Yes.

-Is she a good cook?

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LAUGHTER

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He keeps at it. You've got to hand it to him.

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-Just do that bit of singing again.

-With the...?

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Just do that bit of singing again.

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TREVOR SINGS AND CLICKS

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That's the song.

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You don't know me well, Trevor, but I'm on the turn, I'm telling you.

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LAUGHTER

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SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

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You've only got Jason and Alan left to seduce, Trevor, I have to say.

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-I think he's a cracking fella.

-We're all...

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LAUGHTER

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So, now I want you to take one of those each,

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and tie yourselves together, as it were.

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-This has gone quite dark now.

-It has, hasn't it?

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Is it just me? It's like a party game in the '70s.

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So put each one of those around your wrist.

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No, no, don't undo it.

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-Well, I can't get my hand through that, can I?

-Oh sorry.

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LAUGHTER

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Little cock grab, that is.

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-Try with this one.

-Cock ring!

-Swap.

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-You can give me that one back.

-That's more like it.

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There we are. Put your wrists through.

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-That's it, and then do that, so that you're tied together.

-OK.

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-Yes, is that right?

-Is that good?

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Yes, that, without undoing the knots, untie yourselves.

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LAUGHTER

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-Oh, I see.

-Don't turn around, don't turn around.

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That hasn't helped.

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LAUGHTER

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DAVID: No!

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-No, that's it, you go through there.

-Yes!

-Yes!

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No! Emphatically no!

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-Completely not.

-OK, hang on.

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I'm going back up, I'm going back over.

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LAUGHTER

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Right, go, go through.

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-Yes!

-No!

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Hang on, I've got it, I've got it. Right.

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Right. I've got it. If I do a forward flip...

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Now...

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-SUE:

-Right, let's see if we can get...

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Oh, oh.

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I think technically you are now married.

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LAUGHTER

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You have let...

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I'm coming down, I'm coming down.

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You two hold it for a second and watch,

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because I think Sue is onto something.

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OK. This is what we did

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when we were regularly handcuffed together as children.

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No, watch. You mustn't untie the knot. But...

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Oh.

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Yeah!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Well done. Brilliant!

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So, moving on to self knowledge.

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How do you know when you've had enough?

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Someone always tells me.

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It's normally, it's a tap on the shoulder, isn't it?

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Yeah, I think Jimmy, Jimmy...

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That's, it's the cold steel round both wrists.

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LAUGHTER

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And the clanging of the door.

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And the one phone call.

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JIMMY: One phone call.

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I've had enough. Who am I speaking to?

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LAUGHTER

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This is, oh, this is exciting.

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This is a remarkable substance.

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It's called polyethylene oxide, and it's very gloopy

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and also it reacts rather excitedly under ultraviolet light.

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And Alan and Victoria, you've got ultraviolet torches

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and you can point them at it.

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I think we might have some ultraviolet light in the studio.

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-Shall I point them now, sir?

-Yes, please do.

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Oh, look. See. Ooh!

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Wow!

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Now what I'm going to try and do, I'm going

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to stand up to do this, it's a very remarkable effect.

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The effect is, when you pour it, if I get it at the right angle,

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it pulls itself out of the flask and into here.

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It flows uphill and out and down again.

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All right.

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There we go, Oh, it's pulling itself up, it's pulling itself up,

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you see what I mean? It's pulling itself up from the bottom.

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If you look at the top one, it's actually flowing uphill there.

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Did you see that?

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And then it thins out into a little trail of snot.

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I'll try that again, so we'll just get a few takes.

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It's like when you have a wee after a Berocca, isn't it, that?

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LAUGHTER

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It is!

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It's exactly what it's like. Oh, my goodness.

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It's so disgusting. Polyethylene oxide, I don't know what else...

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-What's it used for?

-It's a very good masturbatory lubricant.

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LAUGHTER

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-Particularly in the dark.

-Yeah.

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APPLAUSE

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-All right, we'll try again.

-It's a little bit awkward

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getting two friends to hold the torch though.

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Yeah. There we go, that's pulling itself up there nicely.

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you.

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On the subject of keeping still, how hard is it to be a nude model?

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LOUD LAUGHTER

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Don't you remember that, Alan?

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-I do not remember that.

-Oh, that was a good night.

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It's the woman second from the left who seems to be, er,

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most enjoying the view.

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-The one with the orange scarf.

-Was it cold? Were you being...

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She's going to need a bigger pad than that, I tell you that.

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They're all just drawing sections of you, aren't they?

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I'll do the helmet.

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Yeah, oh you're all right there, yeah.

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Were you, were you being funny there, or...?

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-That's not really him.

-It's Photoshopped.

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-Oh, it's not real? Oh!

-No, we cleverly made it up.

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LAUGHTER

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I've got this little test for you. Here we are.

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And with any luck, the audience might have some bubble wrap too.

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They're waving their bubble wrap Thank you, audience.

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Do not pop it. This is a really important exercise.

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-What do you mean, don't pop it?

-Don't pop it, do not...

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-Ah!

-No! No! No! This is really important.

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-Why?

-OK, OK.

-No problem.

-Why not though?

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This is a test of your worthiness. Don't pop it yet.

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One of mine's already popped, I didn't do it.

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No, that's all right, as long as you didn't,

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because in 2013, a group of Yale psychologists, they found another

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use for bubble wrap, which was to measure aggression, all right.

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They showed pictures of cute animals, all right.

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SUE SQUEALS

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-Oh now, now, wait, wait, wait.

-Oh, the two little chicks...

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-Oooh.

-Stop it.

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People were told to pop bubble wrap as they watched.

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They thought that it was a test for their motor activity and memory.

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In fact, it was a test for what's called cute aggression.

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If you see something very cute, you start popping more and more.

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Not because they wanted to hurt the animals, but because they were

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frustrated at not being able to touch them and cuddle them.

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And this is called cute aggression.

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It's when you kind of go, oooh, like that.

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So, audience, hold your bubble wrap,

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we're going to show you some very cute animals and it's all up to you.

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Let's start with the cuteness.

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-Oh, dear.

-AUDIENCE: Aw!

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-That's not, come on, that's not that cute.

-Oh, it is.

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-He looks sort of dead.

-He's not that cute.

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-He's kind of dead.

-He's not that cute. I think he's been shot.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh! That's horrible.

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-He does look like he's been shot.

-Oh, the blue-eyed one.

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-No, not that cute, not worth a pop.

-All right.

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Ah.

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THEY ALL POP BUBBLE WRAP

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-You did it!

-Definitely.

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Yeah, that's getting quite a few pops.

0:11:100:11:12

-Look at his little eye.

-No, I'm not gone yet.

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POPPING CONTINUES

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I want a dog and then I'm going to pop my load.

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LAUGHTER

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-That's the first time I've heard that phrase since last night.

-Yes, I know.

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-Oh, there we go.

-Aw!

-AUDIENCE: Oh!

0:11:220:11:24

THEY POP BUBBLE WRAP

0:11:240:11:26

-That's pretty cute.

-That was the last one.

-Not cute, ginger.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, how can you knock a building down with a feather?

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Like the Shard, for example.

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You could knock it down, I could knock it down,

0:11:360:11:39

if I prepared things correctly, with a whisk of a feather.

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-But not using any electronics.

-A very, very large feather.

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No, using, I've actually got the feather here that I'm going to use.

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It's nice and pink, so it stands out.

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That would be the feather I would use.

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Do you tickle the architect while he's doing a,

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coming up with the plans, so that they're all off? Like that.

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-And it falls over.

-And then they make it, oh, it didn't work,

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well, Stephen was tickling me with a feather.

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A cunning thought, but no, this is the existing, standing Shard.

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And you could reduce that to rubble with a feather?

0:12:070:12:10

Yeah. Shall I show you? I'll show you the principle.

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This is my little template to show me where I have to go.

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You see, I've got them down here and here's my big, oh, my big load.

0:12:170:12:21

-Oops.

-Steady.

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There we go.

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Now, what we've got here is, in varying sizes, kind of dominos.

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You can see.

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And the idea is that each one is just one-and-a-half times bigger

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than the one before it.

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And it may seem like a very little amount,

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but what we're going to do is make a really loud bang with this.

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-Is that meant to be like the Shard?

-Dominos, it's the domino effect.

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-You would aim this at the Shard.

-Yes.

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And you would only need 24 of these.

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Each one just one-and-a-half times bigger than the one before it.

0:12:490:12:53

-That's the point.

-To bring down the Shard.

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You'd only need 24, and the last one would utterly destroy it.

0:12:550:12:59

-Really?

-Blimey.

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It would be, it's the exponential increase of mass,

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just by going one-and-a-half times bigger.

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It's all right, it can only fall, yeah.

0:13:050:13:08

I've got a splinter off my broom now.

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LAUGHTER

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Careful, careful. Right, here we go.

0:13:130:13:15

We've just made the security services' job

0:13:150:13:18

that much more harder, you can bring down the Shard...

0:13:180:13:21

Here we go, so you imagine...

0:13:210:13:22

Who needs to hijack aircraft any more, QI's given it away.

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So you imagine this increasing up to just 24,

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and you'd start with one movement of a feather,

0:13:300:13:33

and all the potential energy stored in these and all

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the mass of them like that, and you just have that effect like, whoa.

0:13:360:13:40

-Wow!

-There you go.

0:13:400:13:42

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:13:420:13:44

Excellent.

0:13:440:13:45

-That's pretty good, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-That's brilliant.

0:13:450:13:48

Recent research, however, from the Australian National University

0:13:480:13:51

suggests that good-looking men earn 22% more

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than not good-looking men.

0:13:540:13:55

-Because they're attractive?

-Yeah, yes.

0:13:550:13:57

Or because they're from Australia?

0:13:570:13:59

No, no, within Australia, they're all Australian.

0:13:590:14:02

Within Australia, the 22 better-looking percentage.

0:14:020:14:05

A study of female golfers also found that they were better,

0:14:050:14:09

they shot lower scores.

0:14:090:14:11

And the theory is that they were more likely to have

0:14:110:14:14

offers of sponsorship, and therefore just played that much harder,

0:14:140:14:18

knowing how much money they would make.

0:14:180:14:20

Surely it's about confidence as well.

0:14:200:14:21

If you look in the mirror and you think, oh-ho-ho, I'm a dish,

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then you get out there and think, and I can play golf.

0:14:240:14:27

Yeah, I suppose that's right.

0:14:270:14:28

-But if you look in the mirror and weep.

-And think, what a dog.

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Well, I look in the mirror and I like it.

0:14:320:14:34

And so you bloody well should.

0:14:340:14:35

I never look in a mirror, my partner's much taller than me

0:14:350:14:38

and she put them all up, so I have never seen...

0:14:380:14:40

LAUGHTER

0:14:400:14:42

I don't have mirrors, I have windows at street level

0:14:420:14:45

and I just pretend I'm different people.

0:14:450:14:47

LAUGHTER

0:14:470:14:48

I just walk past at the same time and go, I'm looking good today.

0:14:480:14:52

Best get out to that meeting quick, while I've got that nice suit on.

0:14:540:14:57

Oh, dear.

0:14:570:14:59

And then I realise I'm wearing a bin bag.

0:14:590:15:01

Now we have a Knick-Knack exploding custard powder experiment.

0:15:030:15:07

For something to explode, you need certain things,

0:15:070:15:10

you need something to light, in this case custard powder.

0:15:100:15:14

You need something to light it with and you need oxygen.

0:15:140:15:17

But you need a little bit more than that,

0:15:170:15:20

because if I try and light this custard powder, you will see...

0:15:200:15:24

Boof!

0:15:240:15:26

LAUGHTER

0:15:260:15:27

-..That nothing happens.

-The trick custard powder, ha-ha-ha!

0:15:270:15:31

I blew his arm off! Ha-ha-ha.

0:15:310:15:33

It doesn't, the whole point is, nothing happens.

0:15:330:15:36

Nothing would happen to that, it's custard, you fool.

0:15:360:15:39

-I bet Heston could make it burn.

-Ah. He couldn't in this state.

-No?

0:15:390:15:42

What you need, in order to get something like custard,

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or any powder, even metallic powder, to burn and really burn,

0:15:460:15:50

is one of these ordinary everyday objects like this.

0:15:500:15:53

As you may see, I have a funnel

0:15:540:15:57

and I have some safety glasses,

0:15:570:16:01

to save my beautiful eye lashes.

0:16:010:16:03

And I have a lighter.

0:16:050:16:07

I miss Jacques Cousteau.

0:16:070:16:08

And I have a pump.

0:16:100:16:13

HE MIMICS BREATHING UNDERWATER

0:16:130:16:15

I have a pump that rather wants to fall over.

0:16:150:16:17

So we'll just raise this here. So it doesn't fall over.

0:16:170:16:20

OK, now.

0:16:200:16:23

LAUGHTER

0:16:230:16:25

What I'm going to do...

0:16:250:16:26

I don't want to know what you're going to do!

0:16:260:16:29

What I'm going to do is

0:16:290:16:31

I'm going to pour the custard powder in this funnel.

0:16:310:16:35

And I'm going to, I'm going to present a flame across it.

0:16:350:16:39

-ALAN GASPS

-Yes. Yes. Be afraid, be very afraid.

0:16:390:16:42

Can I use Alan as a human shield?

0:16:420:16:45

No, you, you're the shield, you're new!

0:16:450:16:47

Oh, my God!

0:16:510:16:52

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

0:16:520:16:54

There's flame, there's custard powder in there.

0:16:540:16:57

I feel the need! The need for speed!

0:16:570:16:59

-All I need to do...

-Where are you going?!

0:16:590:17:02

Why the fuck am I next to it?!

0:17:020:17:04

I'm going to the pump.

0:17:040:17:05

I'm just going to the pump, because I'm going to pump...

0:17:060:17:10

We are now nearer than you!

0:17:100:17:11

Can you see what I'm going to do? I'm pumping air...

0:17:110:17:14

There's just too many double entendres, you pumping custard.

0:17:140:17:18

Stop it. Are your ready for me to pump the custard?!

0:17:190:17:22

Oh, my God, don't do it!

0:17:220:17:24

LAUGHTER

0:17:240:17:26

All right.

0:17:270:17:29

Oh, God!

0:17:310:17:32

Yes, I'm ready for you to pump your custard.

0:17:320:17:35

I need a countdown from the audience.

0:17:350:17:37

This is not how I wanted to go, I've got to be honest.

0:17:370:17:40

Audience, I want you to count me down from three...

0:17:400:17:43

AUDIENCE: Three, two, one... Go!

0:17:430:17:46

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:17:460:17:48

Wasn't that dangerous?!

0:17:500:17:53

Well, I've got, it's quite warm there actually.

0:17:530:17:55

-There's...

-Can you feel the heat?

-Yeah, I can feel the heat.

0:17:550:17:58

If I'd been sitting there, I could have been,

0:17:580:18:01

I could have been ignited.

0:18:010:18:03

You could have been covered in hot custard.

0:18:040:18:06

-Nobody knows what colour petrol is.

-Well quite, exactly.

0:18:100:18:13

Because it goes into your car and you don't see it.

0:18:130:18:15

-That's right.

-It could be any colour.

-And no-one has ever checked.

0:18:150:18:18

Nobody's ever gone, what colour is this?

0:18:180:18:20

They used to have pink or blue diesel, didn't they, for farmers.

0:18:200:18:22

-Yeah, red diesel.

-For farmers.

0:18:220:18:24

Which you are not allowed to put in your car, and I don't.

0:18:240:18:27

No. Quite right.

0:18:270:18:28

Evading tax, Jeremy, it's a slippery slope!

0:18:300:18:32

All right, now.

0:18:320:18:34

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:18:340:18:36

Just saying.

0:18:370:18:38

There's various people who were given the title of

0:18:400:18:42

"the last man to know everything there was to know."

0:18:420:18:45

Erasmus, Leibnitz, Von Humboldt, and this man here, Kircher, his name is.

0:18:450:18:49

He was a German Jesuit, Athanasius Kircher.

0:18:490:18:52

And he certainly was very interested in lots of things,

0:18:520:18:54

he was lowered into Vesuvius, he believed the Bubonic plague

0:18:540:18:58

was caused by microbes, well ahead of germ theory.

0:18:580:19:01

Claimed falsely to have interpreted Egyptian hieroglyphics.

0:19:010:19:04

He regarded things like magnetism

0:19:040:19:05

and love as branches of the same topic, attraction,

0:19:050:19:08

which is a very QI way of looking at things, I like that.

0:19:080:19:11

-Yeah, yeah.

-But the cats though, what are the cats doing?

0:19:110:19:14

Well, we'll come to that. Some things he got right.

0:19:140:19:16

He denied the possibility of flying tortoises.

0:19:160:19:19

LAUGHTER

0:19:190:19:20

I don't know who'd raised the possibility,

0:19:200:19:22

but he damn well squashed it and said, no,

0:19:220:19:24

-there won't be such a thing as a flying tortoise.

-Rubbish.

0:19:240:19:27

But he did invent the megaphone, and the Katzenklavier.

0:19:270:19:31

Klavier is in fact German for key, from Klaven, Latin, key,

0:19:310:19:35

but it's a keyboard instrument.

0:19:350:19:37

Key. The cat playing the piano, he invented YouTube.

0:19:370:19:40

LAUGHTER

0:19:400:19:41

I'm afraid for cat-lovers

0:19:410:19:42

it's a little bit more disturbing than that.

0:19:420:19:44

Oh, cat string, gut string.

0:19:440:19:46

No, not cat gut, no, arrange live cats in the right order,

0:19:460:19:49

-according to their voice.

-Oh.

0:19:490:19:50

-And you play...

-Drums.

-And there you go.

0:19:500:19:53

Oh, brilliant.

0:19:530:19:55

-Oh.

-That's awesome! Oh if only they had YouTube back then.

0:19:550:20:00

LAUGHTER

0:20:000:20:02

The outrage on the cat's face.

0:20:020:20:03

It's another thing for your list, isn't it?

0:20:030:20:05

It's on the list. Yes, right up there. Ho-ho.

0:20:050:20:08

You've got to get one of those.

0:20:080:20:10

Their tails are fixed in place underneath hammers.

0:20:100:20:12

When a key is pressed, the hammer hits the corresponding,

0:20:120:20:15

you can even get chords and of course there's dynamics.

0:20:150:20:17

-The harder you hit, it the more of a yowl.

-ALAN MEOWS

0:20:170:20:20

It wouldn't necessarily have to be cruel, you could get the same

0:20:200:20:22

mechanism, but just have it sort of tickle the bollocks of a cat.

0:20:220:20:25

So it's more like, "meow!" As opposed to, "MEOWWW!"

0:20:250:20:28

-For a trill.

-Yeah.

0:20:280:20:29

HE MEOWS THE DOGGY IN THE WINDOW

0:20:290:20:33

What do they think, that you have an A cat and a B cat?

0:20:330:20:36

-Yeah.

-And a C cat?

-I guess you just go round.

0:20:360:20:38

-Fantastic.

-Yeah. Fantastic.

0:20:380:20:39

But there are only six cats and there are more than six keys, so...

0:20:390:20:43

Well, that's true, that's a limited range, it's very...

0:20:430:20:45

-Experimental music.

-Experimental music.

0:20:450:20:48

All the other keys hit mice inside the box.

0:20:480:20:50

Ah, very good.

0:20:500:20:52

Look at this. Phil, I've got this.

0:20:520:20:54

-Ooh!

-Wow, Christmas party!

-Yeah.

0:20:540:20:57

-Snow balls.

-Yeah. Absolutely.

-Oh, I'll have some of that!

0:20:570:20:59

It's going to be quite a violent reaction to this.

0:20:590:21:02

I'm sure you've all seen dry ice as they call it. And I've got here,

0:21:020:21:04

this is sort of bubbles, you blow...

0:21:040:21:06

-I don't know where that's going...

-Blow bubbles.

0:21:060:21:08

So what we're trying to do is make little, little smoky bubbles.

0:21:080:21:12

It's a little sort of Christmassy effect, here,

0:21:120:21:14

God, I hope I can get the lid on in time.

0:21:140:21:16

YELPING AND LAUGHING

0:21:160:21:19

-Woo!

-Get down there.

0:21:190:21:21

Woo, hey, yeah, woo!

0:21:210:21:23

What are you doing, Fry?! Get the lid on.

0:21:230:21:25

-No! No!

-Get the lid on!

0:21:250:21:27

PHIL YELPS

0:21:270:21:29

Lid, lid! Lid is on, lid is on! Lid is on.

0:21:290:21:31

It's going everywhere!

0:21:310:21:33

LAUGHTER

0:21:330:21:35

Bubbles. Here are my little bubbles.

0:21:350:21:38

-Oh, oh!

-There's one, look, big one! Pop it. Ping!

0:21:380:21:43

-Ooh!

-Smokey bubble.

-Ah.

0:21:430:21:45

-Smokey bubble!

-Oh, oh!

0:21:450:21:47

-Smokey bubble!

-Oh!

0:21:470:21:48

Smokey bubble!

0:21:480:21:50

APPLAUSE

0:21:500:21:52

-Oh, you've really got it going now.

-There we are.

0:21:520:21:55

I've gone completely reflective.

0:21:550:21:58

Oh, there you are. Look, you've made a bauble.

0:21:580:22:01

Look at that.

0:22:010:22:02

You've made a bauble, because your little experiment,

0:22:020:22:05

invented by Mr Tollens, one of the things

0:22:050:22:08

he used was silver nitrate, the same thing used in film photography.

0:22:080:22:12

-And that is silver.

-Wow.

0:22:120:22:14

You've got a beautiful silver bauble that you've made

0:22:140:22:16

just by mixing those two chemicals.

0:22:160:22:18

Can I just say, I've just seen myself, I didn't realise that

0:22:180:22:21

I look like Last Christmas by Weight Watcher's Wham.

0:22:210:22:24

LAUGHTER

0:22:240:22:26

There's one man in micromort who we don't know is Yasuhiro Kubo.

0:22:260:22:30

He is a Japanese sky diver, who jumps out of a plane without

0:22:300:22:34

a parachute, and then collects it from a partner on the way down.

0:22:340:22:38

And we don't know his micromort, because he's still alive,

0:22:380:22:41

and it may be that he'll do 4,000 jumps and then die.

0:22:410:22:45

Be a good dumb show, you could see if he,

0:22:450:22:47

if you see them falling and then he goes over to the bloke who's

0:22:470:22:51

got the parachute, and you see the bloke going...

0:22:510:22:54

LAUGHTER

0:22:560:22:57

-I knew there was something.

-Yeah.

0:22:570:22:59

HE MIMES SPEECH

0:22:590:23:01

Oh, that is so distressing. Anyway...

0:23:040:23:07

LAUGHTER

0:23:070:23:09

I'll show you this little thing here.

0:23:090:23:12

And what's strange about this is that I can spin it one way,

0:23:120:23:15

but not the other.

0:23:150:23:16

If I spin it anticlockwise, it goes very happily anticlockwise.

0:23:160:23:19

But if I try and spin it clockwise, it not only will resist,

0:23:190:23:22

it will stop and spin anticlockwise. As you'll see.

0:23:220:23:24

So I'm now going to try and spin it clockwise.

0:23:240:23:26

Is it because of the shape, the particular shape?

0:23:260:23:28

-You'll see, well that obviously is the reason, yes.

-Yeah.

0:23:280:23:31

-You're twisting its melons, man.

-Then it goes round again.

-Yeah.

0:23:310:23:34

So...

0:23:340:23:36

And then round and round and round again.

0:23:360:23:38

-That's extraordinary, isn't it?

-I know, it is very mysterious.

0:23:380:23:41

You've got to have the right flick of the wrist,

0:23:410:23:43

which you're clearly very good at, Stephen, which is good.

0:23:430:23:45

-What if you did a murder with your reflex?

-It does happen.

0:23:470:23:50

If someone sort of attacked your knee and then the reflex,

0:23:500:23:53

you had a knife attached to your shoe or something.

0:23:530:23:56

You broke their neck.

0:23:560:23:57

And you killed them, would you be able to say,

0:23:570:23:59

ah, but the reflex, it didn't go to my brain, it

0:23:590:24:01

-only went to the bottom of my spine, so I didn't really do it.

-Yes.

0:24:010:24:04

But it does happen if you're driving,

0:24:040:24:06

you have an automated response called murder by autometer.

0:24:060:24:09

You don't go to prison.

0:24:090:24:10

If you sneeze, for instance, and then you run someone over...

0:24:100:24:12

-Someone sneezed, literally.

-Yeah.

0:24:120:24:14

LAUGHTER

0:24:140:24:15

Literally at that moment. Talk about a reflex!

0:24:150:24:17

-That means there's been a murder!

-There's a killer!

0:24:170:24:20

LAUGHTER

0:24:200:24:21

They've just murdered someone.

0:24:210:24:23

-Now they know they'll get away with it.

-Wow.

0:24:230:24:26

-It's something like...

-The SE1...

0:24:260:24:27

So if I walk into a room with a gun cocked, sneeze, it goes off,

0:24:270:24:30

you kill someone, you're in the clear?

0:24:300:24:32

So, if you want to kill your wife, what you do is,

0:24:320:24:35

you drive down to Dover, you get her right up against a cliff.

0:24:350:24:38

You put your leg behind her and then get a doctor to tap her knee.

0:24:380:24:41

-Off she goes.

-That I'm afraid would...

0:24:410:24:43

And the doctor would go to prison.

0:24:430:24:44

-The doctor would go to prison.

-I think so.

-And you.

0:24:440:24:47

What if he was sneezing as he tapped her knee? Yes!

0:24:470:24:50

-The perfect crime.

-Yeah.

0:24:500:24:53

Broadchurch series two sorted.

0:24:530:24:57

LAUGHTER

0:24:570:24:58

What I'm going to do is, I've got three bricks here.

0:24:580:25:01

STEPHEN WHIMPERS

0:25:010:25:03

And it is, ah.

0:25:030:25:06

It's like the first ever game of Jenga.

0:25:060:25:09

It is. All right, OK. Yeah. Oh, God.

0:25:090:25:13

I have to focus my energy.

0:25:130:25:16

I know, it's, all right, it sounds...

0:25:160:25:18

But I have to focus, have to go through, I have to...

0:25:180:25:21

Oh, God.

0:25:210:25:23

I'm so nervous now.

0:25:230:25:24

APPLAUSE

0:25:260:25:28

Didn't get them all.

0:25:340:25:37

Last time I got them all.

0:25:370:25:39

OK. But, even more... Oh, I've got another one.

0:25:400:25:44

Another load here and this time, in theory...

0:25:440:25:46

You're going to do it with your penis.

0:25:460:25:48

LAUGHTER

0:25:480:25:50

In theory here, ow.

0:25:500:25:52

STEPHEN MOANS

0:25:550:25:56

So choose top middle or bottom?

0:25:560:25:58

-Middle.

-Oh, no.

0:25:580:26:01

-OK. I'll try and break just the middle then.

-Top.

0:26:020:26:04

I'll bet you Chuck Norris is crapping himself.

0:26:040:26:06

LAUGHTER

0:26:060:26:08

I'm going to try and break just the middle one.

0:26:080:26:10

Again, this takes extreme focus and extreme pain.

0:26:100:26:13

Go through.

0:26:150:26:16

-I just don't want to do this.

-You don't want to do it again.

0:26:170:26:20

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:220:26:24

That was a good one. Oh, thank you very much indeed.

0:26:290:26:33

Thank you.

0:26:330:26:34

Has your crown slipped?

0:26:360:26:38

Yeah, it's, look, it's done that, you see, that's a... Like that.

0:26:380:26:42

It's a medieval torture.

0:26:420:26:43

Yeah, this is what they put round royal dogs to stop them

0:26:430:26:47

nibbling their stitches.

0:26:470:26:48

Imagine the crown maker...

0:26:480:26:50

-Has your head lost weight?

-Yes, it has, yes. Yeah.

0:26:510:26:54

You've lost even more hair than when we started, sorry.

0:26:540:26:58

-That's right.

-That's very unfair.

0:26:580:26:59

-Yes, I do apologise. It's just...

-You're welcome to take it off.

0:26:590:27:03

-We're going to need a bigger king.

-You can abdicate.

0:27:030:27:06

LAUGHTER

0:27:060:27:07

-No, that's going to hurt.

-Shall I...?

-Just, no!

0:27:070:27:10

-It's like watching a two-year-old take their clothes off.

-How's that?

0:27:100:27:13

Bill, try and get it down the other way.

0:27:130:27:15

Shall I try and go through it?

0:27:150:27:17

Yeah, try and go through it. I think this is...

0:27:170:27:19

LAUGHTER

0:27:190:27:21

Come on, Bill.

0:27:210:27:22

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:250:27:27

And that's the last we ever saw of him.

0:27:270:27:30

That's not good, that's not a good look.

0:27:300:27:32

LAUGHTER

0:27:320:27:34

I was thinking of Zoidberg from Futurama.

0:27:340:27:36

You honestly, you look fine. You look fine.

0:27:360:27:39

That's so like something out of Lord of the Rings now.

0:27:390:27:41

-It's a great look.

-Even more than ever.

0:27:410:27:43

I'm going to wear, I'm going to put this as my passport photo.

0:27:430:27:47

What do you do?

0:27:470:27:48

I'm a fighting king, what do you want?

0:27:480:27:50

And now it's time for one of my Knick-Knacks.

0:27:520:27:55

Crikey, how did that get there?!

0:27:550:27:57

LAUGHTER

0:27:570:27:59

APPLAUSE

0:28:010:28:03

I'm going to demonstrate...

0:28:060:28:08

-What a marvellous outing for the word "crikey."

-Yes.

0:28:080:28:11

I'm going to demonstrate to you how a chain reaction takes place.

0:28:110:28:14

Imagine these are little atoms,

0:28:140:28:16

and what I have is a series of mouse trap, ow, mouse traps.

0:28:160:28:22

Used for obviously killing mice!

0:28:220:28:24

HE YELPS

0:28:240:28:25

And fortunately no mice will be harmed in this experiment.

0:28:250:28:30

All you will see is the spectacular sight of random and explosive

0:28:300:28:34

chain reaction caused by one atom touching another,

0:28:340:28:38

which are all in...

0:28:380:28:39

Ball number 16, the eighth appearance this year.

0:28:390:28:41

Yes. So are you ready?

0:28:410:28:44

-Yes.

-Here we go.

0:28:440:28:46

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:490:28:52

JASON: All that, all that for three seconds.

0:28:520:28:55

It's a lot of effort for the money.

0:28:560:28:59

Good night.

0:29:010:29:02

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