Kit and Kaboodle QI


Kit and Kaboodle

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Goo-oo-oo-oo-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI,

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where tonight we're cantering through the whole kit and caboodle.

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It's a catch-all that can cover anything and anyone,

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including the wild expanse of Ross Noble.

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CHEERING

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The far reaches of Noel Fielding.

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CHEERING

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The sweeping vistas of Colin Lane.

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CHEERING

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And the frozen wastes of Alan Davies.

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CHEERING

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So, catch my attention if you can. Ross goes:

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SCHOOL BELL RINGS

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Noel goes:

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TRAIN HORN

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Colin goes:

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WIBBLE WOBBLE

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LAUGHING

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And Alan goes:

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MAN'S VOICE: Stephen, Stephen! I want some points!

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LAUGHTER

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Now, in case anybody's wondering, because he hasn't done that

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much television in Britain, we found Colin in Australia.

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-Colin, in 1994, you won the Perrier Award, didn't you?

-Yes.

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-For comedy at the Edinburgh Fringe.

-Yes.

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Which is an incredibly distinguished award to win, as...

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-HE COUGHS

-..I know.

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And, no, ignore that.

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-But you haven't won the Perrier Award, Stephen?

-Yes, I did win it, yes.

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-Oh, you did?

-I was the... My group was the first to win it, ever.

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-Yeah.

-The first?

-As it happens, yeah.

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But I wonder who you beat in 1994? Who came second or third?

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There were a few other nominees.

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-Yeah, who were the other nominees?

-Er... Um..

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I think the main competition came from a little fellow....

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ALAN YAWNS

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-..his name was Alan Davies.

-Alan Davies.

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-Oh, no, whatever.

-Yes.

-Oh.

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Alan Davies, yes. Yes.

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Then I went to Melbourne and I stayed at Colin's house

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and he'd put the Perrier Award on the bedside table!

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He said he had to look for it, he had to look in the loft for it.

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And the Perrier Award, Alan, was a...

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In case you want to know what it looks like.

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Was like a piece of wood with like a silver Perrier bottle on top,

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with a little cap on it,

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that kind of just fell off a couple of days after we got it.

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And the award for Best Newcomer, was a lovely...

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-Really, you?

-Did you?

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-That was you?

-Did you win it? Yeah!

-That was you!

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It's a better trophy, isn't it? It's like a sort of big cube.

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It's a much better, it's like an oblong Perspex.

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Yeah, like a Star Trek thing.

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With the shape of a Perrier bottle made out of bubbles inside it,

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it's really, it's really, really nice.

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I gave it to my mum, yeah.

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Anyway, that's enough inspecting our own bottoms, it's embarrassing.

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So, suggest, if you may,

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some uses of kitty litter that don't involve a kitty.

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Aaah. There's a kitty. I've got some kitty litter here.

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Anyone could use it for absorbing their urine, couldn't they?

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Well you could use it in the same way that a kitty would use it,

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yeah, because it does soak up liquid.

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Can you - when you drop your phone in the loo - you're supposed to put it in a tub

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-of rice to get the moisture out.

-Indeed.

-Can you do that with cat litter?

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There's an episode of Elementary which is based on that very fact.

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There's an episode of Jonathan Creek where I wee'd in some cat litter.

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I say "I"- the character Jonathan.

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Let's work backwards as to how that could possibly be a plot line

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that you pee'd in cat litter.

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I just got trapped in the cellar for ages and I needed a wee.

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Oh, I see, well that's fair enough.

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When you're at school, when people throw up, don't they put cat,

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-I don't know...

-Sawdust.

-That's a good thing to do.

-Ah.

-That, exactly, anything like that.

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We used to have a sort of weird brown sand.

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Yeah, and they say, "There's nothing to see here,"

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but there is, isn't there?

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Yes, there really is.

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-It's a really good spectacle.

-There's a lot to see there.

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There's a lot to see.

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Also they would draw a chalk line round it, like it had died.

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Yes. The scene of a body.

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The skill was to make it in the shape of a dead body.

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Make it look like a mammal.

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Oh, look, a racoon has died in the playground.

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It's always a bit of fun to put it in a sugar bowl,

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so that when somebody adds it to their tea, just, phoom, tea's gone.

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Probably the most profitable use, bizarrely,

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was by the American tobacco industry.

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Can you imagine why that might be?

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There's a tax on tobacco, obviously, there was

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a tax on small cigars and American tobacco companies...

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Filters, in filters?

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They bulked-up their small cigars to become big cigars...

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..using, amongst

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other things, the ingredients of cat litter, which is disgusting.

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That's a big cigar.

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No, I think that's someone's leg! She's just eaten someone.

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That is enormous.

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I think they've bulked that one up too much.

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That's a normal-sized cigar, I think, but she's just a very small woman.

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They apparently reduced their tax take on tobacco by over

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a billion this way, by bumping small cigars into the big-cigar category.

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But unfortunately a lot of cats leapt up and wee'd on their faces.

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"I'm going to celebrate the deal. Aaaah."

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Why did they choose kitty litter as the filling?

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Oh, it was because it's a kind of neutral stuff that burns,

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that doesn't really taste of anything unpleasant,

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-and is cheap and isn't tobacco.

-It burns?

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-So it doesn't have a tax on it.

-What about just some soil, maybe?

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That would be cheaper than kitty litter.

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The trouble with soil is, it wouldn't burn

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-and it would taste unpleasant.

-What about air?

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-Just a foot pump.

-Yeah.

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Or better still, some helium, so that you can just have your cigar

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and you don't have to hold it, you just take your hand away and it just

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floats there like that, and then you can just go back to it and go...

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And then you go...

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HIGH VOICE: "This is a lovely cigar.

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"It's enormous!"

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So it's highly flammable, so basically, if a kitten...

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It's not highly flammable. You can just burn it, like tobacco.

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It doesn't go, whoomf!

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You can put a cup full of litter in a pair of tights, bear with me,

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tie off the top and leave it in your shoes overnight for freshness.

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There's a hint, yes, audience going "ooh!"

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Someone's going to try that in the audience.

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-Someone's got a teenage son with smelly...

-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-..trainers.

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-"Trainers?"

-Is that what went wrong... "Trainers."

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-Ross? "What are you doing to me? I said "trainers."

-Trainers.

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Oh, yeah, he's laughing now, any minute now I'll go...

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So when you see the male ballet dancers in their tights,

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is that what the, is that what's down the front there?

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Absolutely. Yeah.

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When they're lifting, they'll go, "Hmm, fresh. Fresh."

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"Go on love, smell that, eat your dinner off that."

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Yeah, the point is, the last thing that kitty litter needs is

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a kitty, really, you can use it for so many other things.

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Name the product which put Kendal on the map.

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ALL: Ah, oh, aaah...

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-I'm being pointed at.

-Let's do it one letter at a time.

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-Yeah.

-M...

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I just I love saying that word as well. Those words together.

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-Do you?

-Yeah.

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I have no idea what you're talking about.

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You're the only one who doesn't, we're all desperate to say it.

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-Kendal Mint Cake.

-What?

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-KLAXON BLARES

-Oh, that's so unfair!

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There is a mint cake which went up Everest for the first,

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the conquering of Everest, and Scott took on the...

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-High sugar, for giving you energy when you're up a mountain.

-It's rather delicious.

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-I see.

-But it's not what put Kendal on the map, as it were.

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Kendal became famous for another product.

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And it's actually extraordinary, it's a machine that was built

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in 1750, and is possibly the oldest still working machine in the world.

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It's still producing the same stuff now.

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It was actually built to make gunpowder,

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but quite early on in its life, it was schlepped down to Kendal by ass

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or donkey, and then started to make what it still makes to this day.

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Which is of the same consistency as gunpowder.

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-Sherbet Dip.

-Sherbet Dip!

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That map's only of any use really if you're going, driving to Kendal.

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If you're, it is, exactly. You're absolutely right.

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-It's not much use for anything else.

-It's for walking.

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And even then it's pretty vague.

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I used to sell those maps and people would come in and they'd go,

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"I'm going to Birmingham," and I'd go, "No, you can't."

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-"Yeah, I've only got a Kendal map."

-Do you use it in the home?

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We nowadays very rarely use it.

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It was the most popular form of delivery of this drug,

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up until about 1900.

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Nicotine?

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Nicotine is the right answer. How was nicotine most delivered?

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-Snuff.

-Snuff.

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Kendal has a snuff mill that has been going

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-since 1750 and still produces snuff.

-Ah, the old Kendal snuff mill.

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-The old Kendal snuff mill.

-I think I knew that.

-Exactly.

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I have some snuff for you to try, in different flavours.

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You can see whether the lid is lying or not.

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Arrgh!

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In special QI lids. You can take it if you want.

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-You obviously inhale it up the nose.

-You do it all, right?

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Oh!

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You're going to spill...

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Don't do it all, no. It's very sharp.

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It is, it's sharp.

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Nothing. Nothing.

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Oh really! No!

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Nothing.

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-Oh, you're licking it.

-Woooooo!

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On the gums. Oh, a moustache. It is quite sharp.

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You've had a go. What's your flavour saying, Alan?

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The only time... it says Christmas pudding.

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You've got Christmas pudding.

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The only time I've had a...

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Ross Noble!

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Honestly, it's fine, it's good, put it in your eyes.

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It's good.

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This is probably the only time my nan's going to watch me

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on telly and I'll be like that the whole show.

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What do you reckon, Colin?

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Oh, that is the... the flavour says "kitty litter."

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Ah-ha-ha.

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-That is awful!

-You're not a fan?

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-I'm not a fan. It says "champagne."

-Yeah, they're different.

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There are so many, I mean hundreds,

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-thousands of different flavours or sorts, as they're called.

-Ugh!

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What does yours say on the lid, Noel?

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-What flavour?

-Yeah.

-Jealousy.

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-By Calvin Klein.

-Whisky and honey.

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-Whisky and honey. Does it taste...? Yours, Ross?

-No, not really.

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-When you've come down?

-I can't see!

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I couldn't see anything.

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-Noel will read it to you.

-Who's talking to me?!

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-Your flavour's madness.

-It says "peanut butter"!

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-No, it says "Perrier".

-Oh, does it? Arrgh!

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Ah, Perrier smells of victory.

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The problem is, it makes your snot brown,

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so there are snuff handkerchiefs which are brown silk

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handkerchiefs or dark coloured silk handkerchiefs.

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But that will, really, you'll see, you'll get a...

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It'll look as if you've wiped your arse, I'm afraid.

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Ugh!

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That, from here, looks like the Turin Shroud.

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I can see the face of our Lord! You're right!

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Even though you know it's snuff, you're like, "Urggh!"

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-Even though, exactly.

-"He's shat in his hanky!"

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Even though they know.

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Aaarggh!

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It's like your eyeball comes out in the wet wipe.

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It's fine.

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What are the advantages, if one can put it that way, of taking snuff instead of smoking?

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Sorry.

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-Well there's no smoky stinkiness.

-Yeah, that you...

-It's very self-contained.

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Lung cancer, emphysema, heart disease are unlikely.

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-Not bothering other people.

-It doesn't bother other people.

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-It doesn't make your clothes smell.

-It could be perfumed.

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-But it will rot inside your nose, sinuses and...

-Nasopharyngeal...

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-NASAL VOICE: "It affects the way you talk as well, Stephen."

-Yeah, well there is that.

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It does slightly increase your chances of nasopharyngeal

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-cancer, but only slightly.

-Oh great, thanks very much(!)

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Not one pinch, I promise.

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It is, of course, necessary for me at this point not to

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recommend snuff, or any other tobacco products.

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Is that Little Mix?

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I don't want to alarm anyone, but the one at the top left is me.

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It is! Oh, my goodness.

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There's no doubting it. Anyway, s'nuff said about Kendal.

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Why isn't the tiny woman in your snuff box wearing any pants?

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There's a picture in the lid of your snuff box.

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Wow! I think the snuff's kicked in.

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-I've only got a head shot.

-Well it's only a head shot.

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I don't know what she's wearing.

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But as it happens, she wouldn't be wearing any pants.

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-I've got a full, a full...

-Have you?

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-No.

-You liar.

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I've taken her face and arranged the snuff

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so it looks like she's a bearded lady.

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-Like that magnetic thing with the iron filings.

-Yeah, yeah.

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-I used to love that.

-Pants as in undergarments? Those sort of pants?

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Well it's a woman who was probably you could regard as almost

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the first celebrity, in a strange sort of way.

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In as much as she wasn't an aristocrat, a politician,

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an artist, a warrior, she had no accomplishment whatsoever.

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Katie Price.

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Basically, she was...

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That's quite extraordinary.

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She was an 18th-century courtesan, which is not a word we use any more.

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So she really rose to fame in the mid 18th century,

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when she fell off her horse in St James's Park,

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and it was revealed to the astonished onlookers...

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She was going commando.

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She was going commando, she had no underwear.

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There is a picture, which is slightly overdone,

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but it's an example of how famous...

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Slightly missing the crucial aspects as well.

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Yeah, exactly, somewhat.

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-That's what going commando is? No pants?

-No pants.

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Yeah.

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-Kitty Fisher, for such was her name.

-Kitty Fisher?

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Kitty Fisher. She went commando, and she exploited it enormously.

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And there were snuff boxes produced with pictures of her in them, and...

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Muff boxes?

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Well, ah, ah, and...

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-Just for her.

-And there were watches.

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Called montres lubriques, lubricous watches, which used

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the clockwork to show her doing rather pornographical things, in

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a sort of like a sort of automaton kind of thing, a little movement.

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Oh, God, you wouldn't want the grandfather clock with

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a pendulum version, would you?

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No, you certainly wouldn't. She, she led a sensationally dissolute...

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I don't even know why that's funny.

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No, but it is. We'll just sort of imagine.

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-Just don't over-think it.

-No.

-That's my approach to life.

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Her life was sensationally dissolute.

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Casanova describes a moment when she ate a 1,000 guinea note,

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with butter spread on it.

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-And 1,000 guineas in those days could buy you, you know, an estate.

-The kingdom of...

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It could buy a country house with servants and,

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-I mean it's staggering.

-So, she was an idiot.

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She, well... Just incredibly carefree, I suppose you'd describe that.

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She had portraits painted of her by Reynolds,

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the great portraitist of his day, and she, apparently...

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The one in the middle doesn't really look like her.

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No that, no, that...

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The one in the middle looks like Alan Sugar.

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These are, these are...

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IMITATES ALAN SUGAR: "I started with nothing! I had a van."

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"I have taken, I've taken my wealth and I've swallowed it.

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"And I'll tell you what, you're going to get down on your knees

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"and you're going to wait for that note to come out."

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Is that why she didn't have the knickers on?

0:16:230:16:24

She was waiting for the, she was just waiting for, that's all it was.

0:16:240:16:28

-People thought she was...

-Oh!

0:16:280:16:29

There it is! There it is!

0:16:290:16:31

Here it comes, I can see the Queen's face!

0:16:310:16:34

-Oh, it's gone back in again.

-It was a king in the mid 18th century.

0:16:340:16:37

-Oh, was it a king?

-Yes.

0:16:370:16:38

So anyway, Reynolds, these are not examples of paintings of her, but she got through

0:16:380:16:42

so many lovers that he had to keep all the paintings he did,

0:16:420:16:45

because a man would say "I'm in love with Kitty and I want you to

0:16:450:16:48

"do a painting of her," and about halfway through she was onto a new man.

0:16:480:16:51

-She was extraordinary.

-So he made a flick book.

0:16:510:16:53

Basically a flick book of pictures of her. Yeah, she was pretty extraordinary.

0:16:530:16:57

Perhaps the first celeb, but like some modern celebs,

0:16:570:17:00

she sometimes forgot to wear any pants.

0:17:000:17:02

So, moving on now, we have some kits.

0:17:020:17:04

What would you use these kits for?

0:17:040:17:08

Window cleaning.

0:17:090:17:10

That's the first one. Well, no, they go together.

0:17:100:17:13

Scratching a window and then cleaning it.

0:17:130:17:16

Well, this has a very specific ecological purpose,

0:17:160:17:18

rather bizarrely.

0:17:180:17:19

A wire wool, is that a wire wool brush affair? Probably not.

0:17:190:17:23

It's a scourer, it's a pan scourer. Which you get from your average high street pan scourer shop.

0:17:230:17:27

-Indeed.

-Yeah.

0:17:270:17:28

No-one's ever held a scourer like that. "Arrrgh!"

0:17:280:17:31

-Yeah, they haven't, have they.

-"Come and do the dishes. Arrgh!"

0:17:310:17:35

That sounds like a scouring super-hero.

0:17:350:17:37

-Because there are some...

-"By the power of scourer!"

0:17:370:17:40

Also, the man on the right doesn't really need the extended

0:17:400:17:43

-squeegee for that.

-No, he doesn't.

0:17:430:17:45

With a little more effort, I think he could have got to the top.

0:17:450:17:49

"I'd better get the extension out. Oooh, that's better!"

0:17:490:17:52

We're in a world of ecology.

0:17:530:17:56

And we're in a world of the second largest fish in the world, in fact.

0:17:560:18:00

-Is it a big squid?

-Fish.

0:18:000:18:02

-A jellyfish?

-A fish!

0:18:020:18:05

The great white.

0:18:050:18:06

The Buddha shark?

0:18:060:18:08

-Basking. Basking!

-Basking!

0:18:080:18:09

-The basking shark!

-Basking shark.

0:18:090:18:11

For the last time, a basking...

0:18:110:18:13

I WANT POINTS!

0:18:130:18:15

In your dreams.

0:18:150:18:16

There it is, with its rather wonderful mouth open.

0:18:160:18:18

-Wow!

-Whoa!

-Isn't that fabulous.

0:18:180:18:20

"I've got a coat hanger stuck in my mouth! Help me!

0:18:200:18:24

"I've got a coat hanger in my mouth!!

0:18:250:18:28

"I feel so vulnerable!"

0:18:290:18:31

It's a beautiful animal and unfortunately...

0:18:310:18:34

Not really.

0:18:340:18:35

Well it is. Unfortunately, it's hunted to the verge of extinction.

0:18:350:18:38

So we need to know a lot about them, because they're so in danger,

0:18:380:18:42

and to take a core of their DNA is difficult, you need to sort of,

0:18:420:18:45

it's like tagging them, so what they've come up with is...

0:18:450:18:48

Is that one being examined now? Is that why he's got his mouth open?

0:18:480:18:51

Say "Ah".

0:18:510:18:53

No, what you do is you get a window-cleaning rod,

0:18:530:18:55

you shove a pan scourer on the end

0:18:550:18:58

and you scrape off the slime from each particular one,

0:18:580:19:01

which has got its DNA, and you send it to the University of Aberdeen,

0:19:010:19:04

where it's marked and then you check its progress by marking other ones.

0:19:040:19:07

Occasionally do they swallow slightly smaller sharks?

0:19:070:19:10

Yes, I hope they do.

0:19:100:19:12

And there's, like Russian dolls, there's 19 in here.

0:19:120:19:15

-Just pull them out.

-It's a lovely thought. Yeah.

0:19:150:19:18

It's a couple, Graham Hall and his wife, Jacky.

0:19:180:19:20

Is that the name of that shark?

0:19:200:19:22

-No.

-Graham Hall? It's not quite as frightening when you say, quick there's a Graham!

0:19:220:19:26

-There's a Graham.

-Here comes Graham.

0:19:260:19:28

-Graham Hall and his wife Jackie.

-Ooh, lovely.

0:19:280:19:30

From the Isle of Man, go out into the Irish Sea and scrape...

0:19:300:19:33

..basking sharks with pan scourers.

0:19:340:19:37

-Disgusting! Filthy, filthy!

-And send the DNA to Aberdeen.

0:19:370:19:39

Dirty bastards!

0:19:390:19:41

And it's been jolly useful. It's jolly, jolly useful.

0:19:420:19:44

Would anybody like to know how you know that you're being

0:19:440:19:48

followed by a gay shark?

0:19:480:19:50

Yeah, go on.

0:19:500:19:51

How do you know you're being followed by a gay shark?

0:19:510:19:54

HE HUMS: "Jaws Theme"

0:19:540:19:57

CHANGES TO: "Can't Take My Eyes Off You"

0:19:570:19:59

That's very good. I like that. And here's another kit.

0:20:040:20:09

What's that? It's luminous pins and reels of cotton.

0:20:090:20:13

-What would they be used for?

-Sewing in the dark.

0:20:130:20:15

That would certainly...

0:20:150:20:18

Disco nanas?

0:20:180:20:19

That is popular.

0:20:220:20:24

HE HUMS

0:20:240:20:26

That's all that went, you know when John Travolta was doing that?

0:20:260:20:29

-Yes.

-He had wool around that one...

0:20:290:20:31

HE SINGS: "Staying Alive" by Bee Gees

0:20:320:20:35

..because it's "Thanks, love."

0:20:350:20:37

This was part of the kit of a man called Dr Eric Dingwall.

0:20:370:20:39

Oh.

0:20:390:20:41

Doctor Eric Dingwall specialised in exposing something.

0:20:410:20:45

Not his own dingwall.

0:20:470:20:49

But...?

0:20:490:20:50

The wall of his ding.

0:20:500:20:52

Yeah. Fake mediums. In other words, fakes.

0:20:530:20:55

People who pretend that dead people speak.

0:20:550:20:57

-Is it to do with Ouija boards or anything?

-Yeah.

0:20:570:21:00

There are people who pretend, quite wrongly,

0:21:000:21:02

that dead people can speak, which they can't, they're dead.

0:21:020:21:06

They won't talk to you, they're dead.

0:21:060:21:08

But there are people, a class of fraud,

0:21:080:21:10

but I'm saying this directly into camera, you are a fraud

0:21:100:21:13

if you are a medium, you are fraudulent, and...

0:21:130:21:17

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:21:170:21:20

Hang on, hang on, hang on, my, my granddad says, "Shut your face."

0:21:230:21:28

Dr Eric Dingwall cunningly used...

0:21:310:21:34

Stop it, Granddad, stop it!

0:21:340:21:36

It's quite weird, because we look like we're in a seance.

0:21:360:21:39

Yes, you do actually.

0:21:390:21:41

You always look like you're in a seance!

0:21:410:21:43

Yes, you do, let's be honest. Woo!

0:21:430:21:46

I'm getting a basking shark.

0:21:490:21:51

What's that?

0:21:510:21:53

You were touched inappropriately by a man called Graham?

0:21:530:21:55

Anyway, no, Eric Dingwall specialised in exposing mediums,

0:21:590:22:01

and he would tie thread to their legs

0:22:010:22:04

so that he could feel what their bodies were doing in the dark.

0:22:040:22:08

He would also attach luminous pins to them, so again when it was

0:22:080:22:11

dark, he could see where they were moving and what they were doing,

0:22:110:22:14

what machinery they were operating, what tricks they were up to.

0:22:140:22:17

Now it's time for a bit of General Ignorance,

0:22:170:22:19

so fingers on buzzers please. What was a Roman soldier's salary?

0:22:190:22:22

-Wine, prostitutes?

-The outfit, just the outfit.

0:22:220:22:25

-Audience?

-Forty quid a week.

0:22:250:22:27

-AUDIENCE MEMBERS: SALT.

-Salt, oh, dear!

-KLAXON BLARES

0:22:270:22:30

Audience, minus points.

0:22:300:22:33

Losers!

0:22:330:22:35

Whoa, ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:22:350:22:37

Is there joy in trapping the audience there?

0:22:380:22:41

Yes, it's true that the word derives from the Latin for salt,

0:22:410:22:44

but it is never true that they were paid in salt.

0:22:440:22:47

The money would go towards the buying of salt, but also towards the

0:22:470:22:50

buying of their uniform, the buying of almost everything else, because,

0:22:500:22:53

a bit like British officers, they have to buy everything

0:22:530:22:56

themselves out of their salary, but they were never paid in salt.

0:22:560:23:01

We're getting paid in salt though, aren't we?

0:23:010:23:03

You're getting paid in salt, oh, yes. Oh, yes.

0:23:030:23:05

-Kitty litter.

-And kitty litter, in fact.

0:23:050:23:08

Yeah, the Romans, in fact, planted vineyards, as you may know,

0:23:080:23:11

in parts of Britain, so here's a question.

0:23:110:23:13

Where does British wine come from?

0:23:130:23:16

-Somerset.

-Somerset, no.

0:23:160:23:18

-Kent.

-No.

0:23:180:23:19

Kendal?

0:23:190:23:20

Kendal, no. Which country does it come from?

0:23:200:23:23

France.

0:23:230:23:24

It might do.

0:23:240:23:26

The point is, British wine is made from grape concentrate,

0:23:260:23:29

which comes from abroad.

0:23:290:23:31

Whereas English wine is proper English wine from English vineyards.

0:23:310:23:35

And so English wine gets a very bad reputation,

0:23:350:23:37

because people have tried British wine and think it's the same,

0:23:370:23:40

and it isn't.

0:23:400:23:41

There are over 400 vineyards in Britain now,

0:23:410:23:43

and maybe global warming will see an increase in that.

0:23:430:23:45

But certainly in Roman days, in the medieval warm period,

0:23:450:23:48

as it's called, wine was commonly made there.

0:23:480:23:51

So, anyway, English wine comes from England,

0:23:510:23:53

but British wine can come from anywhere.

0:23:530:23:55

And now...

0:23:550:23:57

This is where it gets scary,

0:23:570:23:58

I'm going to try and impress you with my martial art skills.

0:23:580:24:02

-Really?

-Karate.

0:24:020:24:05

Let's break stuff with our bare hands,

0:24:050:24:07

and we're going to begin with you.

0:24:070:24:08

-You should have a piece of paper and a ruler.

-Yes.

0:24:080:24:11

And what I want you to do is put the ruler on the table,

0:24:110:24:15

two thirds of the way, something like that,

0:24:150:24:18

and put the paper on top of it.

0:24:180:24:20

Mm.

0:24:200:24:21

Like so. Not wholly over it, leave the bit out.

0:24:210:24:23

That's it.

0:24:230:24:25

Yeah, Colin's got it right. Thank you Colin.

0:24:250:24:27

-Yes.

-OK. Very good.

-All right.

0:24:270:24:29

Now, without putting your hand over the paper...

0:24:290:24:31

That's how he got that award.

0:24:310:24:33

..simply karate chop and break the piece of wood,

0:24:330:24:36

because the air pressure over the paper will act as a...

0:24:360:24:40

you think that can't be possible, so, Colin, you try.

0:24:400:24:42

-Really?

-Yep.

0:24:420:24:43

Oh!

0:24:450:24:46

APPLAUSE

0:24:460:24:47

Isn't that surprising?

0:24:470:24:48

CHEERING

0:24:490:24:52

Who'd have thought?

0:24:540:24:55

Who would have...?

0:24:580:25:00

And I didn't believe you, so I really put my shoulder into it.

0:25:000:25:03

-Yeah, you have to, a nice bit of follow-through.

-Yeah.

0:25:030:25:05

Alan, you have a go.

0:25:050:25:07

Yeah - oh, well it is in half,

0:25:070:25:09

you can see, but it slipped out, unfortunately.

0:25:090:25:11

Go on, Ross.

0:25:110:25:12

-Is it in half?

-Yeah!

0:25:130:25:15

Noel next. All right, Noel.

0:25:170:25:19

-Yah!

-Ah!

0:25:210:25:23

There it is.

0:25:230:25:25

It's very surprising.

0:25:250:25:27

-It feels good though, doesn't it.

-It feels good.

0:25:270:25:29

-You feel like Bruce Lee for about four seconds.

-Now, I...

0:25:290:25:31

What I'm going to do is, I've got three bricks here.

0:25:310:25:33

HE GRUNTS WITH EFFORT

0:25:330:25:35

And it is, ahh...

0:25:350:25:39

It's like the first ever game of Jenga.

0:25:390:25:42

It is.

0:25:420:25:43

All right, OK.

0:25:440:25:46

Yep.

0:25:460:25:48

-It's Kendal Mint Cake.

-Kendal Mint Cake. OK.

0:25:480:25:51

Oh, God...

0:25:510:25:53

I have to focus my energy.

0:25:530:25:56

I know, it's... All right, it sounds...

0:25:560:25:57

But I have to focus.

0:25:570:25:59

Have to go through... I have to - oh, God.

0:25:590:26:03

I'm so nervous now.

0:26:030:26:04

Ah!

0:26:050:26:06

Ooh...

0:26:060:26:09

CHEERING

0:26:090:26:13

Ow! Didn't get them all.

0:26:130:26:15

Last time I got them all.

0:26:160:26:19

OK. But, even more...

0:26:190:26:22

Oh, I've got another one.

0:26:220:26:23

Another load here and this time, in theory...

0:26:230:26:26

You're going to do it with your penis.

0:26:260:26:28

Ah-ha-ha!

0:26:280:26:29

In theory here... Ow.

0:26:290:26:32

Er...

0:26:330:26:34

So, choose top middle or bottom.

0:26:350:26:38

-Middle.

-Oh, no!

0:26:380:26:41

OK.

0:26:410:26:42

I'll try and break just the middle, then.

0:26:420:26:43

I'll bet you Chuck Norris is crapping himself.

0:26:430:26:46

I'm going to try and break just the middle one.

0:26:460:26:49

Again, this takes extreme focus and extreme pain.

0:26:490:26:53

(Go through.)

0:26:540:26:55

I just don't want to do this.

0:26:570:26:58

You don't want to do it again.

0:26:580:27:01

Oh!

0:27:010:27:02

CHEERING

0:27:020:27:05

That was the middle one.

0:27:070:27:09

Oh, thank you very much indeed.

0:27:090:27:11

Thank you.

0:27:120:27:14

Ow.

0:27:140:27:15

I can't believe I've put my hood on

0:27:170:27:19

in case there were shards flying around.

0:27:190:27:22

What, shards of his splintering wrist?

0:27:220:27:25

Kendal Mint Cake.

0:27:250:27:27

The truth is, there's no mystique to karate-chopping bricks,

0:27:270:27:30

just good old physics, and in our case, to be honest, trick bricks.

0:27:300:27:34

So don't try and do it at home.

0:27:340:27:36

I'm still very strong and hench and butch, though.

0:27:360:27:39

But anyway, it must be time for the scores.

0:27:410:27:44

And it is fantastic.

0:27:440:27:46

In first place, wow, with a plus four, is Ross Noble.

0:27:460:27:52

Yeah!

0:27:520:27:54

The Noble Prize.

0:27:580:28:00

In second place, with a plus one, Noel Fielding.

0:28:020:28:06

How did that happen?

0:28:090:28:11

There's been a mistake.

0:28:110:28:12

It's incredible.

0:28:120:28:14

In third place, with minus six, Alan Davies!

0:28:140:28:18

Thank you very much. Great.

0:28:180:28:21

And certainly worth the airfare, in fourth place with minus nine,

0:28:220:28:28

-it's Colin Lane.

-Yeah!

0:28:280:28:30

But...

0:28:310:28:33

But, in last place, with minus ten, the Audience.

0:28:340:28:39

Hey!

0:28:410:28:43

Well.

0:28:430:28:45

And it only remains for me to thank Noel, Ross, Colin and Alan.

0:28:480:28:52

Whatever you do, keep your kit on. Good night.

0:28:520:28:55

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0:28:580:29:01

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