Keys QI


Keys

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hello, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening, good evening,

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and welcome to QI, where tonight we are looking for our keys.

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To help us we have a key man, Tim Minchin.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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A key woman, Isy Suttie!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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A key player, Bill Bailey.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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And an allen key, Alan Davies!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Ah, you see what he did there.

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So, they've all got their keyboards. Tim, give us an A.

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"A" NOTE PLAYS

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That's an A.

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Isy, in the great tradition of Blockbusters, I'd like an E, please.

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"E" NOTE PLAYS

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Very nice. Bill, give us a G.

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"G" NOTE PLAYS

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And Alan, give us a B.

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BEE BUZZES

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LAUGHTER

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Aaah. Aaaah.

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We have given you a musical instrument.

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I have got the thing here, but...

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BILL: Oh. A glockenspiel?

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We didn't trust you with anything electrical.

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It's nice. It's something for you to keep yourself occupied

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if you don't know any answers.

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-Bill could teach me a couple of tunes during the record.

-I bet Bill will, too.

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-Here's a good one.

-There you go.

-Here's a good one, look.

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HE PLAYS TWO NOTES There you are.

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LAUGHTER

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It's Airport Announcement.

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Airport Announcement, by Ravel.

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By Ravel, yes. It's a beautiful piece.

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Absolutely wonderful.

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-FRENCH ACCENT:

-"An announcement airport," yes.

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Exactly. Do know any, any tunes?

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French? No. I don't know any tunes.

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HE PLAYS TWO NOTES

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-Doorbell. Same, similar.

-Oh, very good.

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I don't know who wrote whose first, I imagine doorbell came first.

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ISY: They're always in a major third, as if to herald good news.

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-Yes, exactly.

-Yeah.

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TIM PLAYS TWO NOTES - MAJOR THIRD

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"Your flight is delayed by eight hours."

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"I don't feel so bad!"

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-TIM PLAYS TWO NOTES - MINOR THIRD

-"Boarding now." "Oh, no!"

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BILL: The best doorbells always frighten people away.

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PLAYS NOTES FROM 'CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND'

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LAUGHTER

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Marvellous. You haven't played anything for us yet, Isy,

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just get your fingers warm.

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SHE PLAYS JAUNTY PIANO TUNE

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-That was the jazz version.

-Wow! Pretty good.

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BILL: That was great.

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Anyway, there we are.

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So, I'll give you the keys to the city, all right?

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What's the first thing you'll do?

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-NOTE PLAYS

-Yes?

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I'd make a copy of them.

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-Clever.

-TIM:

-Yeah, good.

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In case I lock myself out when I'm drunk.

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And I'd give a copy to my cleaner.

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Very, very smart.

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What else can you do with the keys to the city?

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Drive a sheep across a bridge.

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KLAXON BLARES

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-Ah.

-What?!

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No. I am a Freeman of the City of London, as it happens.

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-Quite right.

-Oh, thank you.

-Very disappointed if you weren't.

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And I did drive, I did drive a sheep over,

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though in fact it was flagrantly illegal.

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It's just one of those myths.

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Also that supposedly that you can bear a sword in the city,

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but that's not true, either.

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Is there an actual door that you can fit that in?

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-No. No, there really isn't.

-What do you actually get?

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Do you actually get a key in a nice presentation case?

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No, you get a long sort of parchment,

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wherein, heretofore, let it be understood the City and corporation...

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BILL: Is there anything you can do?

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I mean is there anything... You can go naked, or something, or...?

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No, no real rights.

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I mean if you are poor, you can access some

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educational and charitable funds.

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Dick Whittington, probably the most famous London Lord Mayor,

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in the early 15th century, left money in trust for water troughs

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and children's education, and that charity is still giving out money.

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-Really?

-It's been wisely invested. That's pretty amazing, isn't it?

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There are other people to get freedoms of cities.

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To whom do you think Detroit gave the key of their city in 1980?

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Diana Ross.

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No, it wasn't Diana Ross, you'd think it would be a...

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-Someone off of Motown.

-Gary Numan.

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It should be a Motown star. Wasn't Gary Numan.

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-Gary Numan?

-No.

-What wrote Cars?

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No. That would be good. No, it wasn't.

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It was actually Saddam Hussein.

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AUDIENCE LAUGH AND MURMUR

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-What?

-Well, they're sick of him.

-What?!

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It's the usual pattern. In 1980, he was our friend.

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-He was a friend.

-Yeah.

-Of course.

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The City of Toronto has given the key to

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Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela and Mickey Mouse.

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LAUGHTER

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-Never seen in the same room.

-Pathetic, the Dalai Lama?! Why him?

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The Dalai Lama, what was it?

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Nelson Mandela and Mickey Mouse.

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Ah, my perfect Sunday.

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LAUGHTER Those three round for dinner.

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Corona, California, gave a cat the freedom of its city limits.

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Oh, that's stupid, isn't it?

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Because the cat had hit the Guinness Book of Records

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by being the tallest cat in the world.

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And, because we're QI, we rang up the city of Corona, and it's true.

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They were very pleased to have it verified for us.

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But Cher upset Australians in 2012,

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when she sold her key to Adelaide on eBay.

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-Oh.

-She got 96,000 dollars for it.

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-Wow!

-What?!

-Yeah.

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Someone paid 96 grand for a symbolic key to Adelaide?

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To Adelaide, not even Melbourne or Sydney!

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I mean, I like Adelaide, but that's...

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-BILL: It's a lot though, isn't it?

-I don't want a key.

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She responded to the inevitable backlash on Twitter.

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She said...

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-F'd up. Fudged.

-Fudged up, yeah.

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-Friend.

-So, there you are.

-Flowled.

-Flower-up.

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Flagaba...

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-Keep guessing.

-I don't know.

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-Fruity.

-Flannel.

-Flannel up.

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Flannel up and wait for me.

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POSH VOICE: "Flannel up!

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"Clean yourself and flannel up, I'll be up in five minutes!

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"And put on the special ointment!"

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Bring me another one, this one's flannelled-out.

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-Oh, dear. All right, OK.

-I like a flannel.

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Now, what's the best way to keep

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the Open Organisation of Lockpickers

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out of your homes?

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Bucket of water over the door, a rake on the floor,

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two miniature beds of nails and a very hungry tiger.

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And you put all that outside the potential lockpicker's door,

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so that they can't even leave their home.

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Ah. You don't need to, is the point, actually.

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The fact is, they are incredibly moral and ethical.

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This organisation, which is literally called TOOOL.

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The Organisation - there it is.

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The Open Organisation of Lockpickers.

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-BILL: No, this is made-up.

-It's Dutch.

-Is it?

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It's a Dutch organisation of recreational lockpickers.

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LAUGHTER

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They claim to have a good purpose,

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they help spread the word in security

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and show how things can be picked, but the point is, you're not allowed

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ever, in this organisation, to pick a lock that doesn't belong to you.

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That's how moral they are.

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Well, that's boring, isn't it?

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-Pick a lock...

-That's when they're meeting,

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but when they're professionally being lockpickers...

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DUTCH ACCENT: "Hey, what a crazy bunch of guys.

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"Let's go and pick some locks, but not someone we don't know.

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"OK. What a crazy time we're going to have."

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"How come it's only me today?"

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LAUGHTER

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"I am such a toool." Yeah.

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Many of TOOOL's members are obviously lock-makers

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and locksmiths.

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-There they are, tools of their trade.

-Wow.

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It's incredible how you can have such a specific skill in one area

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and be so bad with fonts.

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Yes. Very true.

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It's non-overlapping magisteria.

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-It is not an overlapping magisterian.

-Lock picking and fonts.

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-There's probably a fonts organisation, as well.

-Yeah.

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Let's be honest.

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-Who cannot get into their house.

-That's right.

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Who in poetic law laughs at locksmiths?

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The Queen.

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"Ha ha ha." No.

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The first Tuesday of every month.

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"The official laughing at locksmiths.

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"Locksmiths are lining up. She is now braying in their faces,

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"snorting derisively..." No.

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"You can't open it. Ha ha ha!"

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Audience, who laughs at locksmiths?

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AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Love.

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Love laughs at locksmiths.

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-Oh.

-You lock the girl up, you lock the boy up, or you put locked

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-barriers between them and they'll always find a way through to each other.

-BILL: Aww.

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-Except they don't, do they?

-No.

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If you lock... They won't, will they?

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-No.

-That's the trouble with poetry.

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It's bollocks. I hate it.

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-They just need a good lock.

-It raises false hopes.

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All you need is your lock to be slightly smarter than the two

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people in love and really dumb people are in love,

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and there are really good locks. That's ridiculous!

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You're right, you're right.

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Oh, well.

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Speaking of keys, what's the key part of an arch?

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-BILL PLAYS NOTES

-Yes, Bill?

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-Your light came on first.

-Was that you, sorry?

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That's the trouble with these things.

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You can't tell who it is.

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-Do that chord again and I'll know.

-We only know the same chord.

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We're both... We play in C. The keystone is the...

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KLAXON BLARES

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I'm Alan Davies.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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It is commonplace to use the word keystone as being the thing

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that makes the arch work, but it isn't true.

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It's not the most important.

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All the arch stones, or "voussoirs" are equally important.

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But it is the last piece to go in and finishes rather

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-beautifully the arrangement, as it were.

-Yes.

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In Roman times, they'd get the constructor of the arch to

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stand right under the arch when the

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support scaffolding was taken away,

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just to show that he had faith enough in his own...

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Well, it's natural selection of arch builders, isn't it?

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-"Is that guy any good?" Well, he's still here.

-Exactly.

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I like that idea of getting people to test things. It's like going to a

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barbecue and getting someone to try the sausage before you'll eat it.

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-Oh, don't.

-BILL: Oh, yeah.

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There are certain things that you can only test by using.

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So it's then useless.

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I mean, a ring-pull essentially, you say, "I wonder if this ring-pull will work."

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Whoosh! "Oh, yes, it does. Good, now... Oh, you can't..."

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Same with air bags, I suppose and other such things.

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I've really tried to get the air bag to come out, but it's...

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-No? No luck?

-No, if you drive, really whack the dashboard

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really hard with a mallet or something and...

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Well, you realise how much force it is by just trying to

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walk into a wall at two miles an hour and your body won't let you.

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It just won't.

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LAUGHTER

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-Hands will go up.

-No, no, no. I've done that.

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By mistake when...

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I did that after a night on here.

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Yes, when drunk or texting or something.

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But, I mean, if you actually consciously say,

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"I'm going to walk into this wall..."

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Only two miles an hour, not three miles an hour,

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and you just, pah, your hand goes up.

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You can't stop it. It's a reflex, it's so strong.

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Is there a wall here? I'd like to see you not do that.

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LAUGHTER

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I mean, just kind of slowly walk into a wall.

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-Try it at home.

-LAUGHTER

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That's all I'm saying. Maybe it's just me being a coward.

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It will take more than an hour to go two miles

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-if you keep walking into walls, wouldn't it?

-It's true.

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-That's the interesting thing about that.

-That's true.

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So, the fact of the matter is that keystones are no more

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important than any of the other stones in an arch.

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Why were the keys in a QWERTY keyboard arranged the way they are?

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Ah, now, this is that it makes it more difficult to type.

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LAUGHTER

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-That's right.

-And they wanted to slow...

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KLAXON BLARES

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"They wanted to slow...", you were saying...

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-Typists down.

-Typists down. No.

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What it is, is the ones that most commonly are done together

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in English were put furthest apart, so they were less likely to jam.

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So, in fact, it was in order to allow you to type

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more smoothly and speedily,

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so that you didn't get the jamming of the keys as they came up

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-and hit each other.

-Oh, I see.

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Of course, these days, we don't use mechanical typewriters in that

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way, with the keys flopping up. That's how I learnt to type.

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-Enormous typewriters.

-I was tiny.

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LAUGHTER

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I loved typewriters so much, I was obsessed with them.

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-Really?

-Absolutely adored them, yeah.

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Stephen! Dinner's ready. Aaargh!

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Do you know, it's true,

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I once copied out a whole novel on the typewriter.

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-Did you?

-Just to practise.

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Yeah, because I enjoyed the experience of typing so much.

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-Just to, yeah.

-While other people were getting on with their lives, you were doing that.

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-Yeah. What can I tell you?

-It's the sort of man you are.

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-I'm sad.

-I'm so modest.

-What, what novel was it?

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It was Frozen Assets, by PG Wodehouse.

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-It's not one of his best-known novels.

-BILL SNIGGERS

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Look, I'm sorry!

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It's amazing you've come so far, isn't it?

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"Yes, what I like to do in my spare time,

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"I write out Proust, I use my nail and I chip it into an old flint."

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I can't help it.

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"No, get off Nanny, I haven't finished yet."

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You're such a bully!

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-You're mean.

-Sir, sir, Fry's copying out novels again.

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Sir, he's chipping them, he's using a hammer and a chisel,

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he's chiselled out War And Peace on the South Downs.

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You really do live a different life to all the rest,

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you're not like us, are you?

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-You're another, you're not a mortal.

-Clearly not.

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You're like sent from some other planet.

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You are, the planet Aesthete, that's what you are.

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-I always thought I was normal, and now I...

-No, you're not.

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-Oh, well, anyway...

-You're a freak.

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Now, what starts with K and is killed by curiosity?

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A kitten.

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-Oh!

-Oh, no.

-I'm sorry.

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It's an animal species, but not a cat.

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-A lot of these begin with Ks...

-Kangaroo.

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-No, but you're in the right hemisphere.

-Koala.

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-Again, right hemisphere, not the right country.

-Kiwi.

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-Sorry?

-Kiwi?

-Kiwi.

-You're the right type of animal.

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-Kora.

-A kea.

-Kea is the right answer. Very good.

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-A kea is?

-A New Zealand parrot.

-A flightless bird.

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No, it's not flightless, oddly enough, it's a parrot.

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And there was a bounty put on them some years ago.

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Kea, which as you can see, look quite ravenous,

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they look almost like eagles, but they are parrots,

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would ride the sheep, peck at them and eat the fat off the poor sheep.

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And so there was a bounty put on their heads

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and New Zealanders found keas were very curious animals.

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It's partly a result of having grown up in a country with no mammals

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for millions of years.

0:14:370:14:39

Anyway, what you do is, you stand behind a rock and wait for a kea

0:14:390:14:42

to come along, and then you drop behind the rock and disappear.

0:14:420:14:46

And the kea thinks, that's odd.

0:14:460:14:48

And he wanders up and he takes a look over,

0:14:480:14:51

and you just, with your club, just go bang, like that.

0:14:510:14:54

Then, that's the beauty of it, you've only just started,

0:14:540:14:57

because you don't have to move, you take the kea and you put it down.

0:14:570:15:00

The kea's friend goes, "Where's Kevin?"

0:15:000:15:02

-Where's Kevin!

-Wanders round, comes along like that.

0:15:020:15:05

-Are they all called Kevin?

-Then you drop down and disappear, and he goes, "What happened there?

0:15:050:15:09

"There was someone, then there wasn't. How does that happen?"

0:15:090:15:12

And he looks over, bash, like that.

0:15:120:15:13

"Where's Keith?" And so on, all the way through.

0:15:130:15:16

-All the Ks.

-You get a huge swag bag of kea.

0:15:160:15:19

-They're not the brightest of birds.

-They're not the brightest.

0:15:190:15:22

But the point is, they never needed to be.

0:15:220:15:24

Because New Zealand, just apart from a few bats, never had any mammals...

0:15:240:15:28

-That's true.

-All they needed to do was mate and survive.

0:15:280:15:30

The kakapo, for example, another type of parrot,

0:15:300:15:33

the only thing likely to predate on it was a vast eagle

0:15:330:15:37

that used to live in New Zealand called the Haast's eagle

0:15:370:15:40

and so the kakapo solved that by becoming nocturnal like the kiwi.

0:15:400:15:44

So it could be afraid of nothing.

0:15:440:15:46

Kiwis aren't the most exciting birds, I have seen kiwis.

0:15:460:15:49

-Have you burrowed into one of their dens?

-No, I haven't bothered to do that.

0:15:490:15:53

I did. It's exciting.

0:15:530:15:55

There's one on YouTube playing the piano.

0:15:550:15:57

-Oh!

-No, no.

-Falling down an escalator.

0:15:570:16:00

I've seen them in special areas, you know.

0:16:000:16:03

I went out with this guide and he found one, and he said,

0:16:030:16:05

"Get in there, get in there."

0:16:050:16:07

And so I burrowed and burrowed and burrowed and burrowed.

0:16:070:16:09

And you just see this little eye winking at you,

0:16:090:16:12

and that long wonderful beak, and it just winked.

0:16:120:16:15

-Aah.

-And I winked back and then sort of...

0:16:150:16:18

With a little look that just says, "you just destroyed my house."

0:16:180:16:21

-Yeah.

-I was careful not to.

0:16:210:16:24

-Aaah.

-Aah, lovely!

-It took three years to make this.

0:16:240:16:28

The New Zealand government,

0:16:280:16:30

they were given two pandas by the Chinese government in return for

0:16:300:16:34

two kiwis, and I just thought it was a bit of a swiz, you know.

0:16:340:16:38

It's like New Zealand, you know, the zoo in Auckland, all these

0:16:380:16:41

people going, aah, look at them, look at the pandas, and aah!

0:16:410:16:44

Some zoo in Beijing, people going, what?

0:16:440:16:47

-What are they?

-These kiwis don't even sneeze.

-They don't, nothing.

0:16:470:16:51

Very good, very good, very good.

0:16:510:16:53

Now, what is this woman doing though?

0:16:530:16:55

What the...? Is this Lady Gaga's new album cover, is it?

0:16:570:17:01

-She's wearing a...

-It's an experiment.

0:17:040:17:06

No, she's using a device that's for sale, or was for sale,

0:17:060:17:10

it was built in 1929.

0:17:100:17:12

-A new device.

-Knitting jumpers?

0:17:120:17:14

Patented by Dr Kurt Johnen, it records the motions

0:17:140:17:17

and bodily reactions.

0:17:170:17:19

A lady is pictured being examined by the device.

0:17:190:17:21

A pneumatic belt records the change of the circumference of her chest.

0:17:210:17:25

Pneumatic cuffs above the upper arms control the changes of muscle tension.

0:17:250:17:30

Through a hose is recorded the rhythms of respiration,

0:17:300:17:33

and another hose transfers the strength of touch.

0:17:330:17:36

-It's a sex toy.

-You would think, wouldn't you?

0:17:360:17:39

But what about her hands? That's the clue, and our theme today?

0:17:390:17:42

Piano, she's learning piano.

0:17:420:17:44

-Piano?

-A keyboard.

-Yes, it's a piano teaching machine.

0:17:440:17:47

-Oh.

-Oh.

-Extraordinary, isn't it?

0:17:470:17:49

-Wow.

-It's supposed to help you with your piano playing.

0:17:490:17:52

Your posture, your breathing.

0:17:520:17:54

There have been many others along those lines.

0:17:540:17:56

There was the Chiroplast, which was clamped to the piano

0:17:560:17:59

and trapped the player's arms, that's the one on the left,

0:17:590:18:02

so you were forced to play using only your wrist and finger action.

0:18:020:18:06

You were then crippled.

0:18:060:18:08

The one in the middle was the Dactylion, from the Greek "dactyl", meaning finger.

0:18:080:18:11

A contraption designed to strengthen the fingers, because

0:18:110:18:14

they're springs that you're going against in that middle picture.

0:18:140:18:17

And it's said that Robert Schumann used that

0:18:170:18:19

and it actually hurt his fingers.

0:18:190:18:21

Though others say that was syphilis.

0:18:210:18:24

-It's a fine line, isn't it?

-It is a fine line.

-Oh, always.

0:18:240:18:28

When you're into fingering, syphilis is never far away.

0:18:280:18:32

Next to that is the Chiro, or the Chirogymnaste,

0:18:320:18:35

which is a tiny finger gym,

0:18:350:18:36

which has got little finger events and you can see them.

0:18:360:18:39

But if you do harm yourself by using one of these things,

0:18:390:18:42

you can always use the bed piano, for bedridden people.

0:18:420:18:45

-Wow.

-Which is a rather splendid device. I think you'll agree.

0:18:450:18:50

I hope that's securely attached.

0:18:500:18:52

That is the laziest keyboard player in the world.

0:18:550:18:58

And as you see, it rolls up, pushes away neatly.

0:18:580:19:00

-That's fantastic.

-It's great, isn't it?

-I want one.

0:19:000:19:03

You can slide pizzas down from the back.

0:19:030:19:07

-Yes.

-Bill's sitting there going "I am going to get one of those."

0:19:070:19:11

-I will, I'm going to get one.

-Bill will have one of those.

0:19:110:19:13

-That's the piano for the bedroom.

-Ha-ha!

0:19:130:19:15

-The upside-down piano, virtual.

-That's magic.

0:19:150:19:18

-Be easier to strap yourself into bed and tilt the bed up to a normal piano.

-Yeah.

0:19:180:19:22

How would a left-handed piano work?

0:19:220:19:24

It would be high notes at the left.

0:19:240:19:27

-There it is.

-And there it is. That is a left-handed piano.

-Wow.

0:19:270:19:29

-It would take a hell of a lot of unlearning for you to play on that, wouldn't it?

-Good God!

0:19:290:19:34

-Can you imagine? It would drive you mad.

-It would.

0:19:340:19:36

Transposing pianos, have you ever played with one of those?

0:19:360:19:39

Well, there's a device on the keyboard that will do that for you.

0:19:390:19:42

-On an electric keyboard.

-On an electric one.

0:19:420:19:44

-There are pianos with a mechanism that can...

-It's a lever on it.

0:19:440:19:48

-It moves it across to the next string.

-Oh, right.

0:19:480:19:50

Irving Berlin used one, because he only composed in F sharp.

0:19:500:19:53

-He's like Stevie Wonder, who likes the black notes.

-He couldn't read music,

0:19:530:19:56

but was the most successful song-writer of his age.

0:19:560:19:59

-Really?

-Yeah. He couldn't read music, he was fantastically talented,

0:19:590:20:02

He wrote White Christmas, let alone Top Hat, White Tie.

0:20:020:20:05

He lived long enough to be able to see his own songs go

0:20:050:20:09

out of copyright, because his first hit was in 1911,

0:20:090:20:12

with Alexander's Ragtime Band.

0:20:120:20:13

You know, "Come on and hear, come on and hear Alexander's Ragtime Band."

0:20:130:20:16

They only go out of copyright after you're dead.

0:20:160:20:18

No, they do now, but in his day, it was 75 years after it was written.

0:20:180:20:22

-Right.

-So he lived long enough to see some of his songs

0:20:220:20:24

go into the public domain. Now it's 70 years after you've died.

0:20:240:20:27

-How old was he when he wrote it?

-Early twenties. But had this extraordinary talent.

-Amazing.

0:20:270:20:31

There's a long list of things I have to get after this show.

0:20:310:20:34

There's the upside-down piano, the upside-down dinner, I mean, everything, yeah.

0:20:340:20:38

Yeah. So, what did the man who knew everything think cats were good for?

0:20:380:20:44

Well...

0:20:440:20:45

Catching mice.

0:20:450:20:47

-Catching mice.

-Isn't the man who knew everything Thomas Young?

0:20:470:20:51

Well, there's various people who were given

0:20:510:20:54

the title of the last man to know everything there was to know.

0:20:540:20:57

Erasmus, Leibnitz, Von Humboldt, and this man here, Kircher, his name is.

0:20:570:21:01

He was a German Jesuit, Athanasius Kircher.

0:21:010:21:04

And he certainly was very interested in lots of things,

0:21:040:21:06

he was lowered into Vesuvius, he believed the Bubonic plague

0:21:060:21:10

was caused by microbes, well ahead of germ theory.

0:21:100:21:12

Claimed falsely to have interpreted Egyptian hieroglyphics.

0:21:120:21:16

He regarded things like magnetism

0:21:160:21:17

and love as branches of the same topic, attraction,

0:21:170:21:20

which is a very QI way of looking at things, I like that. Yeah.

0:21:200:21:24

But what are the cats doing?

0:21:240:21:26

Well, we'll come to that. Some things he got right.

0:21:260:21:29

He denied the possibility of flying tortoises.

0:21:290:21:31

I don't know who'd raised the possibility,

0:21:310:21:34

but he damn well squashed it and said, no,

0:21:340:21:36

there won't be such a thing as a flying tortoise.

0:21:360:21:38

-Rubbish.

-But he did invent the megaphone, and the Katzenklavier.

0:21:380:21:43

Klavier is in fact German for key, from Klaven, Latin, key,

0:21:430:21:47

-but it's a keyboard instrument.

-The cat playing the piano, he invented You Tube.

0:21:470:21:51

I'm afraid, for cat-lovers it's a bit more disturbing than that.

0:21:510:21:56

Oh, cat string, gut string.

0:21:560:21:58

No, not cat gut, no, arrange live cats in the right order,

0:21:580:22:01

-according to their voice.

-Oh.

-And you play...

-Drums.

0:22:010:22:03

-And there you go.

-Oh, brilliant.

0:22:030:22:05

That's awesome!

0:22:070:22:08

Oh, if only they had YouTube back then.

0:22:100:22:13

The outrage on the comments page.

0:22:130:22:15

It's another thing for your list, isn't it.

0:22:150:22:17

It's on the list. Yes, right up there.

0:22:170:22:20

You've got to get one of those.

0:22:200:22:21

Their tales are fixed in place underneath hammers,

0:22:210:22:24

when a key is pressed, the hammer hits the corresponding,

0:22:240:22:26

you can even get chords and of course there's dynamics.

0:22:260:22:29

The harder you hit, it the more of a yowl.

0:22:290:22:31

It wouldn't necessarily have to be cruel,

0:22:310:22:33

you could get the same mechanism,

0:22:330:22:35

but just have it sort of tickle the bollocks of a cat.

0:22:350:22:37

So it's more like... As opposed to...

0:22:370:22:40

-For a trill.

-Yeah.

0:22:400:22:41

MIMICS CATS PLAYING 'HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY IN THE WINDOW?'

0:22:410:22:46

What do they think, that you have an A cat and a B cat?

0:22:460:22:49

-Yeah.

-And a C cat?

-I guess you just go round.

0:22:490:22:51

But there are only six cats and there are more than six keys, so...

0:22:510:22:54

Well, that's true, that's a limited range, it's very...

0:22:540:22:58

-Experimental music.

-Experimental music.

0:22:580:23:00

All the other keys hit mice inside the box.

0:23:000:23:02

It's doubtful he actually built it,

0:23:030:23:05

but he certainly wrote out the plans to one.

0:23:050:23:07

There are comparable records of pig organs,

0:23:070:23:09

that Louis XI of France, had one made by the Abbot of Baigne.

0:23:090:23:13

There you are, getting ascending order of pig, pig, pig.

0:23:130:23:16

That's fantastic.

0:23:160:23:17

I like the woman singing along with them as well.

0:23:170:23:20

You think she's playing the pigs, but the pigs are playing her.

0:23:200:23:23

And as late as the mid-19th century,

0:23:240:23:27

there was some instruments known variously as the Pig Organ,

0:23:270:23:30

the Hog Harmonium, Pigano, the Porko Forte,

0:23:300:23:33

or worst of all, the Swineway Grand.

0:23:330:23:36

So there you are, yes,

0:23:390:23:40

several people have tried to make musical instruments

0:23:400:23:42

out of live animals,

0:23:420:23:43

although it doesn't really work very well in practice.

0:23:430:23:46

And now for the welcome return of a keynote of QI,

0:23:460:23:48

a bit of General Ignorance very quickly. Fingers on keypads.

0:23:480:23:51

Nicely flexed and name something written by Winston Churchill?

0:23:510:23:55

Who was that? Yes?

0:23:550:23:57

-The Second World War.

-Oh!

0:23:570:23:59

Have another go.

0:24:000:24:02

He won the Nobel Prize, didn't he.

0:24:030:24:05

He won the Nobel Prize for Literature. Yes, he did.

0:24:050:24:07

He wrote so much.

0:24:070:24:08

Our Prime Minister won the Nobel Prize for Literature, no question.

0:24:080:24:11

Winston Churchill did not write under the name Winston Churchill.

0:24:110:24:14

-Our Prime Minister didn't.

-Oh, that's right.

0:24:140:24:16

-What did he write under the name of?

-Anne Bronte.

0:24:160:24:19

The Gathering Storm, by Anne Bronte.

0:24:210:24:24

Daphne du Maurier.

0:24:240:24:26

My early years.

0:24:260:24:28

Katie Price.

0:24:280:24:29

No, what's his full name? Do you remember his full...?

0:24:320:24:34

-Spencer.

-William Leonard Spencer Churchill.

0:24:340:24:37

-Oh, Leonard.

-So he wrote under the name of Winston S Churchill.

0:24:370:24:39

Because when he started writing,

0:24:390:24:41

there was a very successful American novelist called Winston Churchill.

0:24:410:24:44

And so out of politeness to him

0:24:440:24:46

he wrote to him this very complicated letter,

0:24:460:24:48

which was sort of jokey, I think, he says -

0:24:480:24:50

"Winston Churchill has no doubt that Mr Winston Churchill will recognise from this letter,

0:24:500:24:54

"if indeed by no other means,

0:24:540:24:55

"that there is grave danger of his works being mistaken for those of Mr Winston Churchill.

0:24:550:24:59

"He feels sure that Mr Winston Churchill desires this as little as he does himself.

0:24:590:25:03

"In future to avoid mistakes as far as possible,

0:25:030:25:06

"Mr Winston Churchill has decided to sign all published articles, stories or other works,

0:25:060:25:09

"Winston Spencer Churchill and not Winston Churchill as formerly.

0:25:090:25:12

"He trusts that this arrangement will commend itself to Mr Winston Churchill."

0:25:120:25:16

And Winston Churchill replied,

0:25:160:25:18

"Mr Winston Churchill appreciates the courtesy of Mr Winston Churchill

0:25:180:25:21

"in adopting the name of Winston Spencer Churchill in his books, articles, etc.

0:25:210:25:24

"Mr Winston Churchill makes haste to add that had he possessed any other names,

0:25:240:25:28

"he would certainly have adopted one of them."

0:25:280:25:30

-There you go. So how polite.

-That's so lovely.

0:25:300:25:32

I like the fact they refer to themselves in the third person.

0:25:320:25:35

Mr Churchill all the time, I know.

0:25:350:25:37

Now, what truly grim reading matter was banned in Germany after the War?

0:25:370:25:41

Romantic comedies? Mills and Boon?

0:25:430:25:46

"Say what you hear. The clue is in the question."

0:25:460:25:48

-What was the question again?

-Say the question again.

0:25:480:25:51

What truly grim reading matter was...?

0:25:510:25:53

The Brothers Grimm.

0:25:530:25:54

-Brothers Grimm.

-Oh, right.

0:25:540:25:56

Because people believed that real savagery of the Grimm fairy tales

0:25:560:26:00

had contributed to something that had turned the German people nasty,

0:26:000:26:04

the perceived barbarity of the people.

0:26:040:26:06

The argument they'd fostered obedience, discipline,

0:26:060:26:10

authoritarianism, nationalism, glorification of violence,

0:26:100:26:14

all that kind of thing, became part of the national character.

0:26:140:26:16

According to a British Major, TJ Leonard,

0:26:160:26:18

he said the fairytales had helped teach German children

0:26:180:26:21

"all the varieties of barbarousness."

0:26:210:26:24

Including light flannelling.

0:26:240:26:26

And it made them easy to fit the role of hangman,

0:26:280:26:31

and so on and so forth.

0:26:310:26:32

One of the stories was called

0:26:320:26:34

How Children Played Butcher With Each Other,

0:26:340:26:37

which was really savage.

0:26:370:26:38

That was removed from the second edition.

0:26:380:26:40

And in the Frog King, the frog is not kissed by the princess,

0:26:400:26:44

he's hurled against a wall with all the strength she has,

0:26:440:26:48

to turn him into a prince. A rather battered, bruised prince.

0:26:480:26:51

-That'll do it.

-Yeah.

-At two miles an hour.

0:26:510:26:53

Two miles an hour, against a...

0:26:530:26:55

And he goes like that... Argh!

0:26:560:26:58

It was all he could do.

0:26:590:27:00

-He's got little froggy arms.

-Yeah.

0:27:000:27:02

On the other hand, there is a lyrical quality.

0:27:030:27:05

The last in the collection, you'll love this story.

0:27:050:27:08

There's a little poor boy goes out into a wintry forest

0:27:080:27:11

to collect wood on a sled.

0:27:110:27:13

In the snow he finds a tiny key and next to it an iron box.

0:27:140:27:18

The boy inserts the key, he turns it, he lifts the lid.

0:27:200:27:25

SUSPENSEFUL TUNE PLAYS

0:27:250:27:32

He lifts the lid...

0:27:320:27:35

TUNE CONTINUES

0:27:350:27:41

End of story.

0:27:410:27:43

Oh, really?

0:27:430:27:45

That's Pulp Fiction.

0:27:450:27:46

Exactly, it's the suitcase in Pulp Fiction,

0:27:460:27:48

exactly what I thought of it.

0:27:480:27:49

The rest is up to your imagination, boys and girls.

0:27:490:27:52

-What do you think was in that box?

-A frog.

-Porn.

0:27:520:27:54

-I think it was a stash of porn. Yeah.

-A flannel.

0:27:540:27:56

That's why I used to go into the woods.

0:27:580:28:00

Well, we've ended on a sour, bitter and very rude note.

0:28:030:28:05

Which is the way we like to end on QI.

0:28:050:28:08

-Once again.

-Yes, hurrah.

0:28:080:28:09

Which brings us to the scores. And let's have a look.

0:28:090:28:11

My word, my goodness, my gracious, my goodness and my everything,

0:28:110:28:15

in first place, with plus three, is Bill Bailey!

0:28:150:28:18

Wow. I've never won!

0:28:200:28:23

How did you end up with plus three?

0:28:230:28:25

Second place for a first timer, with minus eight, it's Isy.

0:28:260:28:29

Oh, well done.

0:28:290:28:31

Third place, on his first appearance, is really not bad,

0:28:350:28:38

it's Tim Minchin.

0:28:380:28:39

And yes, in fourth place is Alan Davies!

0:28:420:28:46

So that's it from Isy, Tim, Bill, Alan and me.

0:28:530:28:56

And good night.

0:28:560:28:58

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0:29:200:29:23

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